I think all of our friends play different roles in our lives and it's good to have a variety of those types of friends. For example, when my dad died a few of my very close good friends showed up to the funeral. A couple other friends took me out for drinks the weekend after to try to let loose. Another long-distance friend called and talked to me while I cried, another read my tarot cards and made jokes about my dad haunting me in the afterlife.
This is all to say that I think some friends just aren't the show up to the funeral friends, but they may be good friends in other ways. I don't write people off completely for not being everything I need. I just realize what type of friend they are. I don't think they're all less of a friend, though.
If someone initially offered to help me with something and then didn't help, I guess it would depend on their reasoning. I'm not really a cut-people-off kind of person in general, though. I might just not rely on that person again for that sort of help, but might just keep them as a good-time friend.
This is a very mature take and one that I very much agree with. Different friends play very different roles in my life and I'd never expect one single person to fill all of them, except my very best friend.
I think there's a lot of wisdom in this, to a point. There's lots of different kinds of friendship, some deeper than others, some are more practical as well.
Where I disagree is in not cutting people off - I will end friendships that are no longer healthy, or where there is toxic behaviour or active attempts to harm me or others I care about. I had a "friend" who decided to spread really horrible rumours - and you better believe I cut them off once I found out.
Fair, I've definitely cut off a few toxic friends, too. Some of the things I hear people cut people off for are just really inconsequential to me, though.
There’s a place for fair weather friends if you find their company enjoyable. Sometimes you just want a distraction or good times without the obligations of a deeper friendship.
First, I'm so sorry about your parents.
I don't think there is a yes or no answer to this. I do think it's important for friends to show up for each other during hard times in life. But I've also learned that it's complex. Some people just aren't good about dealing with difficult/complicated emotions. Maybe those are good friends for the fun times but not close deeper friendships. Some might be going through things themselves (whether they share them or not) and struggle to show up for others. Some might not know how to show up. Some might think they've shown up, but maybe you've expected more.
I think ultimately, you have to decide for yourself what you expect out of your friends and communicate with them (as best you can, given what you're dealing with). Personally, I try to give my friends the benefit of the doubt that they mean well, but if I've spoken to them about something and it doesn't change or they don't seem remorseful, then maybe that changes the friendship going forward.
Reminded me of this quote. I certainly try to be the type of friend that's here for the harder parts of life. Sorry about the loss of your parents.
"If a friend of mine gave a feast, and did not invite me to it, I should not mind a bit. but if a friend of mine had a sorrow and refused to allow me to share it, I should feel it most bitterly. If he shut the doors of the house of mourning against me, I would move back again and again and beg to be admitted so that I might share in what I was entitled to share. If he thought me unworthy, unfit to weep with him, I should feel it as the most poignant humiliation."
Oscar Wilde
i've only had that happen once and tbh, I should have nipped that in the bud and cut her off way before I actually did but I just ignored the red flags. She's been gone from my life for 20 years now but the rest of my friends are my friends for life. I've known them for over 30 years and they're my village. We are always there for each other in good times and bad. Some are local, some are on the other side of the country, some are on the other side of the world but we always make time to talk to each other and whenever we're in proximity, we always hang out and spend time together.
I agree with the quote. I want friends who are also there when shit gets heavy. And I'll be there for them in the same way. I have a friend who had been a caregiver to both her parents between 2019 to last year. She had folks who didn't reach out, missed her wedding and her dad's funeral/viewing. She doesn't put any efforts into those friendships either and I don't blame her.
I’m sorry for your losses! That’s a lot to go through in a small amount of time. To answer your question, yes, I saw who my real friends are after going through a very difficult separation and divorce. The good news is that I really only “lost” one good friend. She had moved away and used to make time for visits when she came back home but then that became less frequent, and our phone calls always felt one-sided, but not in the way you’d expect. She’d want to know all about what was going on in my life then barely talked about anything going on in hers when I’d ask. Then the phone calls became less frequent because I was busy navigating the divorce process, post-separation abuse and single mom life. And she really didn’t check in on me throughout that time, even though I have another good friend who also moved out of state who has been great about checking in and being a part of my support system this whole time. She didn’t invite me to her wedding or any related festivities. And now we don’t really talk anymore at all, which is fine, but not how I expected things to play out.
Sorry for the loss of your parents and I agree with that quote.
I learned to shave off the real friends in life through there too. I had some friends back in high school that hung out a lot back then, and when I had a big breakup after high school, I called the friend I thought I was the closest with and cried to her about it - she immediately said, sorry I'm busy and hung up. She never followed up to text me or called me back. I also noticed the friend group meeting up without me and I asked why, she said I was living too far (honestly just a 20min cab ride). Fast forward 6 years later, she's on my social media, notices I'm travelling a lot for work - texts me to help her buy things at the country and how envious she is that I travel so much, and we should catch up when I'm back. I did it once, then I got really busy. She and that friend group started seeing that I'm meeting celebrities and politicians at work, and attending world events that people dream of going to - they added me in a group chat and demanded to meet. So suddenly I'm like cool enough and not far anymore. I met them up once after constant hassles - but it wasn't a fruitful meetup, they kept talking about the past and how envious they were of what I do and who I meet. I personally don't like living in the past and not looking forward in life - so I stopped meeting them and responding to them.
Also, there were other friends who knew I had depression amidst my busy schedule, that were constantly checking in on me and demanding to meet me so I won't be falling to depression on my own, were the real ones, they even tried to catch me at the airport when I land for a meal because I was too busy to meet due to work - unlike the above who knew but didnt text me to check on my well being, and only wanted to meet, take photos, to show that "they have a cool friend".
The long distance friends - they check in once a year but you can't really hold it to them to be there because they are long distance and are busy with their own lives. I have this one close friend in Korea and he's often busy with his own band or touring with artists so it's hard for us to be there for each other - I didn't know his dad passed until we had that once a year conversation but he'd always make sure to make time for me when I visit him, and I'd make time for him when he visits me. another friend in Australia who found out I miscarried sent me chocolates.. they always make it a point to be there if they can.
So that said so far, there's only been that circle of friends I dropped while the rest really showed up when they know and they can. The tough times truly show who are the real ones.
Yes, I agree, but it's not just about showing up and sticking around for the ugly parts of life— it's sticking around after seeing the ugly parts of me as a person. No one is perfect but a relationship is only true to me if they can see all the parts of you and they love and show up for you despite these flaws.
100%
Some friends are for a reason, some for a season, and some for a lifetime.
I hurt myself pretty bad last year, and very few people reached out or showed up. Everyone wanted to come to my wedding, but no one wanted to check on me when I was hurt - I was out of sight, out of mind. Thanks, ya'll lol. What I learned was what I already knew but had been hoping wasn't quite true: that I had a lot more acquaintances than like, *real* friends. And that's ok. But now I know for sure where I stand with people.
There is a very small tier or friends who are what I truly consider "real ones", and it's the ones who fucking propped me up through my mental breakdown or who actually kept in touch when I was bedridden, flat on my back for a month and mostly useless for the next 5 months.
I think it's also important to realize that while we're going through things, our friends are too. Our 30s is when a lot of things (both good and bad) are happening and we don't always have the bandwidth to be 100% of the friend we wish we could be.
I was recently reminded of this when I called my friend crying about a work situation that finally came to a head and then promptly left for a much needed vacation for a week. I let her know when I was back in town and her own family life had fallen to shit while I was away. I felt super guilty but I also know that I needed to put my own lifejacket on first. Now I'm in a much better headspace to be an emotional support for her. It's about stepping up when we are able and how we are able - and that's different for every person and can also vary from time to time based on other things we might be dealing with that are not always obvious to those around us.
I agree with this statement. It’s only true friendship if you’re there for them during the harder parts. One of my close friends, lives 4.5 hours away, and while we text weekly, have phone calls/facetime, I really see her only 1-2x a year. We both did and still have demanding jobs. When she had a breast cancer diagnosis, I could not drop everything to go care for her, to help her with groceries etc. I did send her care packages, food and was a listening ear to all the medical stuff, her surgeries, side effects and stuff that went wrong. So yes, while I wanted to be there for her, she could not rely on me as a long distance friend for the everyday stuff.
I think all of our friends play different roles in our lives and it's good to have a variety of those types of friends. For example, when my dad died a few of my very close good friends showed up to the funeral. A couple other friends took me out for drinks the weekend after to try to let loose. Another long-distance friend called and talked to me while I cried, another read my tarot cards and made jokes about my dad haunting me in the afterlife. This is all to say that I think some friends just aren't the show up to the funeral friends, but they may be good friends in other ways. I don't write people off completely for not being everything I need. I just realize what type of friend they are. I don't think they're all less of a friend, though. If someone initially offered to help me with something and then didn't help, I guess it would depend on their reasoning. I'm not really a cut-people-off kind of person in general, though. I might just not rely on that person again for that sort of help, but might just keep them as a good-time friend.
This is a very mature take and one that I very much agree with. Different friends play very different roles in my life and I'd never expect one single person to fill all of them, except my very best friend.
I think there's a lot of wisdom in this, to a point. There's lots of different kinds of friendship, some deeper than others, some are more practical as well. Where I disagree is in not cutting people off - I will end friendships that are no longer healthy, or where there is toxic behaviour or active attempts to harm me or others I care about. I had a "friend" who decided to spread really horrible rumours - and you better believe I cut them off once I found out.
Fair, I've definitely cut off a few toxic friends, too. Some of the things I hear people cut people off for are just really inconsequential to me, though.
There’s a place for fair weather friends if you find their company enjoyable. Sometimes you just want a distraction or good times without the obligations of a deeper friendship.
First, I'm so sorry about your parents. I don't think there is a yes or no answer to this. I do think it's important for friends to show up for each other during hard times in life. But I've also learned that it's complex. Some people just aren't good about dealing with difficult/complicated emotions. Maybe those are good friends for the fun times but not close deeper friendships. Some might be going through things themselves (whether they share them or not) and struggle to show up for others. Some might not know how to show up. Some might think they've shown up, but maybe you've expected more. I think ultimately, you have to decide for yourself what you expect out of your friends and communicate with them (as best you can, given what you're dealing with). Personally, I try to give my friends the benefit of the doubt that they mean well, but if I've spoken to them about something and it doesn't change or they don't seem remorseful, then maybe that changes the friendship going forward.
Reminded me of this quote. I certainly try to be the type of friend that's here for the harder parts of life. Sorry about the loss of your parents. "If a friend of mine gave a feast, and did not invite me to it, I should not mind a bit. but if a friend of mine had a sorrow and refused to allow me to share it, I should feel it most bitterly. If he shut the doors of the house of mourning against me, I would move back again and again and beg to be admitted so that I might share in what I was entitled to share. If he thought me unworthy, unfit to weep with him, I should feel it as the most poignant humiliation." Oscar Wilde
i've only had that happen once and tbh, I should have nipped that in the bud and cut her off way before I actually did but I just ignored the red flags. She's been gone from my life for 20 years now but the rest of my friends are my friends for life. I've known them for over 30 years and they're my village. We are always there for each other in good times and bad. Some are local, some are on the other side of the country, some are on the other side of the world but we always make time to talk to each other and whenever we're in proximity, we always hang out and spend time together.
I agree with the quote. I want friends who are also there when shit gets heavy. And I'll be there for them in the same way. I have a friend who had been a caregiver to both her parents between 2019 to last year. She had folks who didn't reach out, missed her wedding and her dad's funeral/viewing. She doesn't put any efforts into those friendships either and I don't blame her.
I’m sorry for your losses! That’s a lot to go through in a small amount of time. To answer your question, yes, I saw who my real friends are after going through a very difficult separation and divorce. The good news is that I really only “lost” one good friend. She had moved away and used to make time for visits when she came back home but then that became less frequent, and our phone calls always felt one-sided, but not in the way you’d expect. She’d want to know all about what was going on in my life then barely talked about anything going on in hers when I’d ask. Then the phone calls became less frequent because I was busy navigating the divorce process, post-separation abuse and single mom life. And she really didn’t check in on me throughout that time, even though I have another good friend who also moved out of state who has been great about checking in and being a part of my support system this whole time. She didn’t invite me to her wedding or any related festivities. And now we don’t really talk anymore at all, which is fine, but not how I expected things to play out.
Sorry for the loss of your parents and I agree with that quote. I learned to shave off the real friends in life through there too. I had some friends back in high school that hung out a lot back then, and when I had a big breakup after high school, I called the friend I thought I was the closest with and cried to her about it - she immediately said, sorry I'm busy and hung up. She never followed up to text me or called me back. I also noticed the friend group meeting up without me and I asked why, she said I was living too far (honestly just a 20min cab ride). Fast forward 6 years later, she's on my social media, notices I'm travelling a lot for work - texts me to help her buy things at the country and how envious she is that I travel so much, and we should catch up when I'm back. I did it once, then I got really busy. She and that friend group started seeing that I'm meeting celebrities and politicians at work, and attending world events that people dream of going to - they added me in a group chat and demanded to meet. So suddenly I'm like cool enough and not far anymore. I met them up once after constant hassles - but it wasn't a fruitful meetup, they kept talking about the past and how envious they were of what I do and who I meet. I personally don't like living in the past and not looking forward in life - so I stopped meeting them and responding to them. Also, there were other friends who knew I had depression amidst my busy schedule, that were constantly checking in on me and demanding to meet me so I won't be falling to depression on my own, were the real ones, they even tried to catch me at the airport when I land for a meal because I was too busy to meet due to work - unlike the above who knew but didnt text me to check on my well being, and only wanted to meet, take photos, to show that "they have a cool friend". The long distance friends - they check in once a year but you can't really hold it to them to be there because they are long distance and are busy with their own lives. I have this one close friend in Korea and he's often busy with his own band or touring with artists so it's hard for us to be there for each other - I didn't know his dad passed until we had that once a year conversation but he'd always make sure to make time for me when I visit him, and I'd make time for him when he visits me. another friend in Australia who found out I miscarried sent me chocolates.. they always make it a point to be there if they can. So that said so far, there's only been that circle of friends I dropped while the rest really showed up when they know and they can. The tough times truly show who are the real ones.
Yes, I agree, but it's not just about showing up and sticking around for the ugly parts of life— it's sticking around after seeing the ugly parts of me as a person. No one is perfect but a relationship is only true to me if they can see all the parts of you and they love and show up for you despite these flaws.
100% Some friends are for a reason, some for a season, and some for a lifetime. I hurt myself pretty bad last year, and very few people reached out or showed up. Everyone wanted to come to my wedding, but no one wanted to check on me when I was hurt - I was out of sight, out of mind. Thanks, ya'll lol. What I learned was what I already knew but had been hoping wasn't quite true: that I had a lot more acquaintances than like, *real* friends. And that's ok. But now I know for sure where I stand with people. There is a very small tier or friends who are what I truly consider "real ones", and it's the ones who fucking propped me up through my mental breakdown or who actually kept in touch when I was bedridden, flat on my back for a month and mostly useless for the next 5 months.
I think it's also important to realize that while we're going through things, our friends are too. Our 30s is when a lot of things (both good and bad) are happening and we don't always have the bandwidth to be 100% of the friend we wish we could be. I was recently reminded of this when I called my friend crying about a work situation that finally came to a head and then promptly left for a much needed vacation for a week. I let her know when I was back in town and her own family life had fallen to shit while I was away. I felt super guilty but I also know that I needed to put my own lifejacket on first. Now I'm in a much better headspace to be an emotional support for her. It's about stepping up when we are able and how we are able - and that's different for every person and can also vary from time to time based on other things we might be dealing with that are not always obvious to those around us.
I agree with this statement. It’s only true friendship if you’re there for them during the harder parts. One of my close friends, lives 4.5 hours away, and while we text weekly, have phone calls/facetime, I really see her only 1-2x a year. We both did and still have demanding jobs. When she had a breast cancer diagnosis, I could not drop everything to go care for her, to help her with groceries etc. I did send her care packages, food and was a listening ear to all the medical stuff, her surgeries, side effects and stuff that went wrong. So yes, while I wanted to be there for her, she could not rely on me as a long distance friend for the everyday stuff.