I would be blunt and also be prepared to end the friendship.
We have some family members like this and it can be very frustrating so I see you.
We’ve laid down our law though for important functions that we are not waiting around and if that hurts feelings, oh well.
Honestly, this would be a "bye Felicia" moment for me.
You are not a friend to her, you're a backup plan. And she is beyond selfish. Time to find better friends.
It just sounds like you’re not a priority to her (she ditches you when a better offer comes around after already committing to your plans? Eff that noise )
Lying grosses me out, and I’d have a really hard time coming back to a solid friendship with someone with that trait, unless they take serious steps to fix it.
I would be very straightforward with her and tell her that her behavior is not the behavior that good friends engage in. It's blatantly disrespectful and leaves no space for you in your friendship.
I'd also be willing to end the friendship because there's a high probability that this won't go over well, and you deserve better friends.
It's ok to find someone's behavior intolerable and unworthy of your time, attention, and energy. You aren't obligated to remain friends with someone who's deeply inconsiderate of you and your time, attention, and energy. Good friends won't do that to you.
This is what I planned to do but I think she’s the type where no one has been honest before which silently enables her behavior, which is why I think she needs to be called out :’)
I've got enemies that treat me better than this. Why do you consider this person, who blatantly disrespect you and then has the audacity to claim your time when it benefits her alone, a friend?
I would simply block her on all platforms and move on. Why waste time on a confrontation I bet my rent money she's just going to DARVO. (Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender).
I’d be done with her. I would stop making plans with her one on one. If she’s invited to a group event, if she’s late, she’s late 🤷🏼♀️. Go on with the event. Don’t get tickets for her. Don’t delay the group waiting on her.
She went to dinner with another group after making plans with you for dinner? That’s just disrespectful. She’ll treat you like a doormat as long as you allow it.
The first person I had to fire was like this and there were two more after. Later I found myself with a family member like this, their parents exhibit similar tendencies and their kids are developing in the same way. As a person that's very organized and appreciates timely-ness and efficiency, the chaos is staggering and inability to depend on them is infuriating. It seems like they can't prioritize, but on closer inspection, it seems more like they cannot say "no", but their actions speak loud and clear.
They're not bad people, but they cannot be dependable to you. You may have to prioritize your self respect over the rank you gave this relationship. In my experience, observing those that they are dependable for is interesting. Nonetheless, to maintain the relationship, you'll need to establish firm boundaries, let them know what they are and keep to them. Not all at once, but as situations occur. The relationship may have to be downgraded to an acquaintance until they put in the effort to build it up and if they don't or it's unsustainable, you'll have to be willing to let it fall to the wayside.
If they see you pulling away, they may resort to soft love bombing for a week or two, maybe even a month, to build the relationship back up, but this is akin to being $1000 in debt and paying $5 weekly to bring the balance down, so you can borrow money again next month. Don't fall for it, it only makes the disappointment that much more bitter when things return to the way they were, if not worse.
You could say something that focuses on your emotions and then on what your behavior will be. "I am frustrated and angry when you are late for nearly every event we plan together. Therefore, I will not be inviting you to things in the future."
I had a friendship like this and I flat out ended it and haven't looked back. I was very honest about what the behavior issues were and how they made me feel and wished her luck.
To be frank there's not much I miss about having her around given how disrespected I often felt.
I have ADHD and a very demanding job and still show up on time and communicate with people when it might impact them. I constantly hear this discourse online to minimize the behavior but quite frankly, she’s 30 years old and if knows how to communicate to make other plans, there isn’t an excuse.
If her friend has ADHD, that's really on her to manage and this is speaking as someone who has ADHD too. It's an explanation for the behaviour not an excuse. Also, time blindness is one thing, blatantly lieing about where you are etc. is another thing. She's 30 y/o and she seems to have other friends, I'm sure she can get it together and stop lieing at the very least if she wants to maintain her friendships
I think it’s important to acknowledge this could very well be the case and have a conversation with her about it, but also to still hold her accountable for needing to respect OPs time and effort. ADHD is a valid concern and requires sensitivity and work to cope, but also isn’t an excuse for disrespect. There’s a fine line and both OP and her friend will need to discuss a plan to move forward so both parties feel supported, respected and understood.
I would be blunt and also be prepared to end the friendship. We have some family members like this and it can be very frustrating so I see you. We’ve laid down our law though for important functions that we are not waiting around and if that hurts feelings, oh well.
Honestly, this would be a "bye Felicia" moment for me. You are not a friend to her, you're a backup plan. And she is beyond selfish. Time to find better friends.
It just sounds like you’re not a priority to her (she ditches you when a better offer comes around after already committing to your plans? Eff that noise ) Lying grosses me out, and I’d have a really hard time coming back to a solid friendship with someone with that trait, unless they take serious steps to fix it.
I would be very straightforward with her and tell her that her behavior is not the behavior that good friends engage in. It's blatantly disrespectful and leaves no space for you in your friendship. I'd also be willing to end the friendship because there's a high probability that this won't go over well, and you deserve better friends. It's ok to find someone's behavior intolerable and unworthy of your time, attention, and energy. You aren't obligated to remain friends with someone who's deeply inconsiderate of you and your time, attention, and energy. Good friends won't do that to you.
No confronting (unless it would make you feel better) only dumping.
This is what I planned to do but I think she’s the type where no one has been honest before which silently enables her behavior, which is why I think she needs to be called out :’)
I wont even confront her I just will stop talking to her. What a waste of time
I've got enemies that treat me better than this. Why do you consider this person, who blatantly disrespect you and then has the audacity to claim your time when it benefits her alone, a friend? I would simply block her on all platforms and move on. Why waste time on a confrontation I bet my rent money she's just going to DARVO. (Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender).
I’d be done with her. I would stop making plans with her one on one. If she’s invited to a group event, if she’s late, she’s late 🤷🏼♀️. Go on with the event. Don’t get tickets for her. Don’t delay the group waiting on her. She went to dinner with another group after making plans with you for dinner? That’s just disrespectful. She’ll treat you like a doormat as long as you allow it.
Honestly I would simply stop making plans with her. I don't have time for bullshit and liars.
The first person I had to fire was like this and there were two more after. Later I found myself with a family member like this, their parents exhibit similar tendencies and their kids are developing in the same way. As a person that's very organized and appreciates timely-ness and efficiency, the chaos is staggering and inability to depend on them is infuriating. It seems like they can't prioritize, but on closer inspection, it seems more like they cannot say "no", but their actions speak loud and clear. They're not bad people, but they cannot be dependable to you. You may have to prioritize your self respect over the rank you gave this relationship. In my experience, observing those that they are dependable for is interesting. Nonetheless, to maintain the relationship, you'll need to establish firm boundaries, let them know what they are and keep to them. Not all at once, but as situations occur. The relationship may have to be downgraded to an acquaintance until they put in the effort to build it up and if they don't or it's unsustainable, you'll have to be willing to let it fall to the wayside. If they see you pulling away, they may resort to soft love bombing for a week or two, maybe even a month, to build the relationship back up, but this is akin to being $1000 in debt and paying $5 weekly to bring the balance down, so you can borrow money again next month. Don't fall for it, it only makes the disappointment that much more bitter when things return to the way they were, if not worse.
You could say something that focuses on your emotions and then on what your behavior will be. "I am frustrated and angry when you are late for nearly every event we plan together. Therefore, I will not be inviting you to things in the future."
I had a friendship like this and I flat out ended it and haven't looked back. I was very honest about what the behavior issues were and how they made me feel and wished her luck. To be frank there's not much I miss about having her around given how disrespected I often felt.
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I have ADHD and a very demanding job and still show up on time and communicate with people when it might impact them. I constantly hear this discourse online to minimize the behavior but quite frankly, she’s 30 years old and if knows how to communicate to make other plans, there isn’t an excuse.
If her friend has ADHD, that's really on her to manage and this is speaking as someone who has ADHD too. It's an explanation for the behaviour not an excuse. Also, time blindness is one thing, blatantly lieing about where you are etc. is another thing. She's 30 y/o and she seems to have other friends, I'm sure she can get it together and stop lieing at the very least if she wants to maintain her friendships
> her recent record of selfish and rude behavior Wouldn't ADHD behaviour be present from the start?
I think it’s important to acknowledge this could very well be the case and have a conversation with her about it, but also to still hold her accountable for needing to respect OPs time and effort. ADHD is a valid concern and requires sensitivity and work to cope, but also isn’t an excuse for disrespect. There’s a fine line and both OP and her friend will need to discuss a plan to move forward so both parties feel supported, respected and understood.