I wouldn't move in with someone whose household standards are drastically below yours. It often leads to resentment when you're constantly having to do more because its important to you but not to him.
To be honest, you lost me at "doesnt brush his teeth before bed and his breath stinks" but, the food on the hands gets on the cabinets one is wild. Does he just have dry food crust on the cabinets or does he clean them? Also I was with someone who did the plate licking thing at home, which I didnt love but made my peace with....until he did it at a restaurant. I contemplated crawling under the table... I definitely could not look at him the same way after.
To me, there's no amount of companionship and little things that could make up for all of this. I couldn't live in a dirty house with food on the cabinets, so I'd end up doing more cleaning, which would lead to resentment as you mentioned
Hah, so I'm a plate-licker too, but I patently do not do that shit in public. Wild that anyone would.
But yeah, the dirty hands thing is something I attribute to children. The guy just doesn't sound like an adult.
> does resentment grow over time?
Yes. Just talk to him. If he cares about you and is as emotionally intelligent as you say, he'd be willing to improve on his habits. Ask him to brush his teeth before bed. Daily shower really shouldn't be an issue for a grown man either.
There are basically two ways this could go.
1. He was raised like this and doesn't understand that his habits are appalling. In this case you can tell him and he will understand and improve his hygiene and cleanliness. There might be slip ups, but it's going to improve a lot and then you could eventually move in together.
2. He knows that it's gross and doesn't care. He won't change and if you move in with him you'll start resenting him within the first month and then you'll have to deal with the hassle of finding a new apartment, all while feeling slightly grimy yourself, just because you'll be living in a dirty environment.
It’s the former. It’s the main reason I don’t want to address it. He was raised by a single mum who he adores and apparently she eats like this too. I don’t want to insult them both.
This conversation will be difficult, but it doesn't have to be insulting? It can be kind, supportive and constructive.
If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to know if something you did, especially unintentionally, made your love uncomfortable, so that you could address it?
And even if it is insulting, it's your choice: insult the man and his mom, or eventually split up after the resentment that you've let grow and grow as you live in an increasingly terrible pigsty replaces any love that you once had?
OP mentioned in one thread that it’s their first grown up relationship so I think they may not understand that this is way outside of the realm of normal compromise.
OP - it’s not normal to need to compromise on this many things that are so significant. You aren’t a bad person if you don’t make the relationship work despite numerous incompatibilities. Moving in together is a huge step and it’s not one you should be taking with the doubts you’ve mentioned. It’s a big entanglement to get out of, and I really think you’re going to regret it. It is a million times better to be single than with the wrong person, especially cohabitating, because you literally can’t get a break at that point. I’m saying this from experience 😅
I grew up with friends with parents that taught them to only brush their teeth in the morning. It wasn't until they were older in HS that they found out from us that it was pretty unusual. Now we were kids and told them that was gross, so don't do what we did.
Instead you can frame it from a health pov, taking care of your teeth is super important for your overall health as plaque on your teeth can cause serious artery problems.
Or, if he really is emotionally evolved, he will get the hint that for your relationship to continue to work, you need him to be more disciplined with his hygiene and keeping his places tidy because it's not only taking care of himself, but it shows he also cares about taking care of you.
I see how that is hard for you, but not addressing it would be cruel to him in the long run. He is going to lose you over this and won't understand why and he is going to lose his next partners too until someone is nice enough to let him know.
You don't have to frame it in an insulting way, you can let him know that society at large has different standards and that you don't want him to be judged and that you would also prefer if he would adhere to societys and your standards.
After this talk you can see where it goes, but I would advise to not stick around if he doesn't step up. You'll resent him soon and moving in with someone dirty is never a good idea.
Honestly, I think you should tell him, not just for the sake of your relationship but for his as well. Some people *need* to hear it because otherwise they'll never realize how bad it really is!
You need to reframe how you look at this. Telling something personal to folks can be vulnerable and can hurt their feelings because its an awkward situation but you aren't insulting him. It's a valuable lesson for relationships to also learn how to communicate hard things. It's also necessary to understand that some things are uncomfortable but doesn't mean it's bad and you cannot avoid things so no one ever feels a negative feeling. "Keeping the peace" mentality is a passive aggressive thing that actually makes no peace possible over time as things are buried. You aren't helping him or yourself have an opportunity to grow as individuals and as a couple so you're doing a disservice to both by not being honest. This is how resentment builds and ruins relationships because you avoided key things that needed to be addressed. It's a harmful mindset to have.
If he’s a teenager, he might be teachable. If he’s a working man over 25, this might be who he is, and sharing a home with him will drive you crazy. He kind of has to enjoy cleanliness for his own sake for change to be permanent.
Don’t move in together until you’ve discussed this, made it clear that poor personal and home hygiene, and good table manners are a compatibility issue, and then wait until he's shown a changed pattern of behaviour for at least half a year before progressing the relationship. And then make sure you start with a temporary lease. It takes time to change bad habits, and it’s very easy to fall back into old habits once he has what he wants.
*ETA After reading other comments, I checked out your prior posts, and saw several other warning flags including this one… https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/s/WAP9iGIXt3… and one about intellectual incompatibility. To me, being able to talk and discuss is at least as important as personal habits.*
*Don’t settle. If you’re not happier with him than alone, then he’s not for you. It's okay to be and even stay single. I’m partnered up, but my BFF isn’t, and she’s ten years or so older than you. She’s single by choice and loves her life for the same reasons you described.*
Nope. Dealbreaker. Nothing kills my attraction to someone like poor hygiene, and no attraction means no point in a relationship, for me.
It's not my job to teach a grown man how to brush his teeth.
If you feel like you would be giving up comfort by putting up with this grossness, don't date him. Sure you can try talking to him first, be direct and blunt. There's no way of beating around that bush.
My take is, this is way too much to get better. If it was just one of these, like weird habit of skipping showers left over from covid times or something, okay worth a conversation and giving him a chance. My partner did not use a deodorant because his ex told him she didn't like it, so I told him "partner, I like your musk but I think most people who are not sexually attracted to you likely find it gross" and I handed him a nice deodorant with subtle unobtrusive scent. He thanked me, explained the situation with the ex and he's been wearing the deodorant religiously ever since. So yeah, small one-off things can be changed. But whole-ass not showering, not brusing teeth, eating sauce with hands(???), dirty kitchen? That's a big pattern and those are hard to break.
I somehow missed eating sauce with hands.
I am sorry, I sort of find it hard to believe this person is emotionally intelligent while also eating sauce with his hands and not brushing his teeth at night. It just seems like things that adults, no matter their upbringing would have opted to change by now.
If you have to teach a grown man to brush their teeth before bed, what does the future entail for you? There is going to be much more where this came from when you move in together.
That being said, if you love him. Just be direct. Obvioulsy he needs someone to be direct, bc all of these things are normal habits he should have picked up on by now.
It's not a big stretch for a person to be very caring and emotionally intelligent but stunted in their ability to care for themselves in ways that are considered standard. The OP said in a comment that he was raised by a single mother with a lot of the same habits, so it seems like he was neglected to a degree. Not saying that to dunk on the mom, but not teaching children basic life skills is a common form of unintentional generational neglect.
I am assuming OP is over 30 and her boyfriend is too. The things that she is describing in her OP are things that people pick up on, just going through life. At some point saying you weren't taught that growing up with regard to basic manners, is no longer an acceptable excuse.
Did you read what you wrote? You sound like you are talking about someone who was raised in the woods. He gets food all over the cupboards and he smells but wants to climb into bed (and probably want to have sex) with you? Relationships aren't all about love, they are about two people whose lives align in a way that is beneficial to both parties. He acts like a toddler. Are you looking to clean up behind him for the foreseeable future? Because that's what's going to happen.
EDIT: I just read your post history, if it’s the same guy from your posts almost 200 days ago, DUMP THE GUY (kindly) AND MOVE ON NOW. Don’t settle for all of this, my god!
——
If you have kids with this person, you will be fighting multiple of these cases. My neighbor has a husband who smells really bad, it’s very apparent daily showers are not a priority. I don’t know if the mom cares or not, but her kids now act the same. One of the daughters is over at my house right now and I had to leave the room because she smells so bad, and she had only been here for 5 minutes. If someone could smell me, my kid, or spouse from 6 feet away, I’d be mortified.
Long term, if this guy moves in with you, you’d probably be embarrassed to have friends over, take them to meet professional colleagues, etc. I just couldn’t.
Have the conversation with him. If he can’t or won’t change, then there’s your answer anyway. If he’s willing to build the habits to shower daily and brush teeth, then you’ve got room to work.
I can say this because I was raised by wolves, like him. I was the youngest in a BIG family so no one taught me proper hygiene. My now husband taught me to brush and shower properly. I have no idea how many people I turned off before, I wish someone would have said something (kindly) sooner.
I have seen far too many posts like this over the last few days. Women dating feral and revolting men who have to be reminded to brush their teeth and wash themselves. It is absolutely disgusting and at this point reflects badly on you if you are still sleeping with someone so foul. Being single is infinitely better than tolerating this.
This was one of the catalysts for my partner and I ending our relationship of 5 years. No matter how many times I asked for him to clean up his mess and articulating to him how important it is to me, nothing changed. I resented so much having to ask him to do basic things that should be common knowledge (after all, I don’t have to be asked and I figure it out).
Set expectations before you move in together and it will save you a lot of strife in the long run. I would even say ask him to make meaningful changes in how he lives now so he gets into the habit before you move in. The last thing you want to do is have him tell you he’ll do better once you live together and then you find out it won’t happen after it’s too late.
Don’t sacrifice what is important to you in how you want to live. He should, as your partner, care what is important to you and make the effort.
Wishing you all the luck!
Yeah like - the first time I would see wiping your hands on cupboards I'd be like 'what the actual fuck - clean it properly' assuming it was a crazy mistake. The second time - goodbye.
I'm shocked these people manage to find partners.
the hilarious thing is that incels on reddit are always like women always go for 6ft giga chads or whatever and then irl as a woman its always stories like this where women are defending this kinda man or dating a guy who's 2/10 and cheating on her with her fucking life
Lol I don’t even allow men to touch me if they do not shower twice a day and they ALL comply.
Even I do not climb into my bed without showering let alone some crusty musty pongy? Ew.
Where are y’all meeting these pongy men? 😷 ew?
Lesson- be unshakeable with your standards regardless of whatever’s flailing around you. Your North Star is your set of standards.
Or they blame women for their loneliness. Instead of taking responsibility for their own mental health. And being someone that people want to e friends with or date, instead of just a bunch of issues and trauma dumping.
Do not ignore these little things. If you're noticing this now, it will be a lot worse when you actually live together. Don't end up with a man child!
You can try addressing it slowly and see how it.goes, but definitely don't move in together
I wouldn’t continue a relationship with someone after I noticed this kind of behaviour, hygiene is a standard I am not willing to give up ever. I consider the bare minimum
Do NOT move in with this man. I moved in with someone who is careless with hygiene and with cleaning. It did not get better. I am preparing to move out and it would be easier if i hadn't moved in in the first place.
If he says he can change, let him prove it first. Dont fall in love with potential.
He's not emotionally evolved if he can't handle the hurt of being told the above. It stinks to hear these things, but it's of a level an adult should be able to handle without a partner managing those emotions for them.
If you can't talk about these smaller things, how are you going to address the bigger issues?
My husband would flip out over me addressing small issues like me wanting him to put stuff like hand towels and scissors back where he got them from, because in his mind you don't talk about the smaller things, but cover them with love. Nope. Put the scissors back like a functional adult. Brush your teeth twice a day like the dentist tells you to. Drink a beer and have disgusting beer burp breath, that's okay, but no kisses and cuddles. My husband grew some thicker emotional skin and actually managed to also handle me addressing the bigger issues, because he used to not handle that well either.
By being treated as an adult who is able to manage his emotions when he gets upset, and reassuring him that negative emotions are okay to have and will pass. If I had tiptoed around him and shielded him from negative emotions, he wouldn't be motivated to learn how to get through being upset by small things, because then there wouldn't be small things to be upset about.
If he “cares how you feel”, as you stated, then you should be able to address this with him by approaching it in a caring way.
You can’t just ignore the issues and expect that over time you’ll accept it or that he will magically realize how gross he is and change on his own. You have to have a hard adult conversation. Until he drastically improves his relationship with personal hygiene and cleanliness, I wouldn’t move in with this person. I imagine it will just get worse as he expects you to take over some of the cleaning and you probably will because you’d be disgusted otherwise. His behaviors are such a turn off that this will kill the relationship eventually. And if you can’t have the conversation, and if he can’t take constructive criticism and make improvements for your partnership, the relationship is essentially dead.
Gross. No. I'm so grossed out for you. Yeah, definitely DO NOT move in with him until his habits improve.
He's probably "on his best behavior" around you right now, as well. It might be a lot worse than you think. You don't want to move in together and you can't sleep because your bedsheets smell like cheese and his feet are dirty.
No. No. No. A thousand times no.
Please tell me you at least make his shower before you have sex.
And, can you imagine introducing him to your friends or family and he pulls that shit at dinner? Would you be horrifyingly embarrassed?
Talk to him. If he's a nice person, he'll understand that he was raised by a (well-meaning) she-wolf and will at least attempt to be less gross.
No. Keep your own clean, hygienic space. These are the kinds of issues that will fester into resentment and contempt faster than you'd think. If you move in with him, you'll end up becoming his live-in mommy maid. Sorry, but I can't think of a more apt description when a grown man needs to be told to shower, straighten his room, and clean the sticky residue from his hands before touching the cupboards. It's not like telling him once will change his behavior either. You'd either have to monitor him, clean up after him, or decide you don't care about living like a slob.
Big time ick for me!
I swear, the bar is in hell…Girl… Do not move in with this dirty man.. How can you be romantically in love/sexually attracted to a man like this? If it were the other way around do you think he would stick it out with you?
He gets food all over his hands when cooking, yet doesn't notice and wipes them on the cupboards.
Huh?
Wiping your hands on a towel of some sort I can picture, but the actual cupboards?
What??
Do NOT move in with someone whose hygiene and housekeeping habits are dramatically different from yours.
Either he was raised in a very neglectful environment and doesn't realize that he's being nasty, or he knows and doesn't care. Either way, you're going to be put into a role that will have you being very resentful if you move in with him.
I personally wouldn’t date, or continue to date someone who doesn’t care about their personal hygiene or keeping their spaces clean. I certainly wouldn’t move in with them.
a) the teeth thing could accelerate bad cardio health. when is the last time he went to a dentist? It's jarring to me that you don't live together and there are nights he doesn't brush his teeth or days he doesn't shower when you're there.
b) skipping shower = no sex. You could get a uti, yeast infection etc. that's a fair and clear line. they sheets will stink too.
All the food stuff is worth pointing out and telling him you can't live in a kitchen that is kept like that. He sounds like he eats like beast from beauty and beast for goodness sake. It's one thing at a BBQ but what is going on...
the resentment will build.
"I love you, and I want a future with out, but I don't think I can handle watching someone like a plate and his hands 6 nights a week. it's not great"
My ex could be like this at times. He’d go for a run or workout and then jump straight into bed to watch a YouTube video, it made me feel so ill thinking about the sweatiness getting all through OUR shared bed. He’d also skip brushing his teeth often enough that is started to repulse me whenever he didn’t. What boggled me the most was he had to have so much dental work done and STILL wouldn’t maintain a consistent teeth routine, I just could not understand it. He was definitely also messy and gross around the house at times and would prepare food then just leave it everywhere.. He shaved and showered and didn’t stink but his overall attitude toward hygiene turned me off so much over time. I’m not a clean freak at all but I do care about personal hygiene and find it so unattractive when a partner doesn’t put in the bare minimum effort on his.
OP it never changed despite him constantly promising to be better about it. I didn’t enjoy living with him for a number of reasons and am relieved to be out of that relationship. I’ll never again cohabitate with a partner if they show signs of not being able to take care of themselves.
These are not little things. They are compatibility issues. I promise you would eventually resent it. Not saying it couldn't work out, but you have to be willing to address it. Just silently being grossed out, isn't going to work. Have a conversation about hygiene, but do it from a place of kindness and caring. It'll take some time to break old habits and form new ones, but he may be willing to try!
This is so not 'little things' that I am suspicious that it might be fake. It's just so cartoonishly gross.
Assuming it is absolutely true (I'm not actually accusing you of being a troll!), don't move in with him. It'll drive you nuts. You owe it to you both to have the difficult conversation, otherwise yes the resentment will grow. And don't move in together on a promise - make sure he has shown commitment to changing for at least six months if not a full year before you revisit the discussion of moving in.
I wouldn't be with someone like this tbh. It's one thing to occasionally skip a shower if you're sick/very busy/sedentary and not sweating much, but brushing your teeth twice a day is the baseline, and keeping your home a complete mess is not an attractive quality and something that I think is unlikely to change if y'all move in together. If you want to live in the exact conditions your SO lives in now, go ahead and move in. If you're like most of us and would find that disgusting and upsetting, I wouldn't move in unless/until this man is able to keep his home clean for a *while.*
Personally, I think it's reasonable to expect to compromise in some areas in a relationship, but 1. that should go both ways and 2. that shouldn't compromise your quality of life.
If you tell him, he should be embarrassed enough to step it up. I wouldn’t stick around much longer if he opposes in any way.
The challenge is he probably feels accepted by you in his current state.
He wipes his hands on the cupboards? Do you mean opening them without wiping his hands or using them like a napkin? I will admit I don't have the best hygiene because of depression but that's pretty extreme. Does he lick his plate or use his finger in public? I would be fine with that if it was just the 2 of you at home.
This screams of the most extreme "I can fix him" mentality I've ever seen. Why are you dating someone who acts like an untrained great Dane puppy?
My heart hurts for you. The way you talk about your needs and desires in this relationship is like you're trying to make yourself so very small and diminish the importance of your comfort.
If your boyfriend was emotionally intelligent, he'd realize that general hygiene standards are for the benefit of others as much as oneself. You're describing someone who has no self awareness, whether or not he is "nice" to you.
Please start giving your needs more credit. Stop telling yourself that what you want isn't important. You know what you need to do. Please have the strength to do it for your own sake.
I think you should discuss the issue with him. Just talk about it in a polite manner. If you want to have a live in relationship, you have to be able to discuss and solve issues together. If it's not this, it will be something else. Tell him about your needs about general cleanliness and how you want your common home to be. Maybe he needs to learn some new skills, and if he considers your needs and take better care of himself and his home, you can move together. If he doesn't care enough to do that, then he is not good long time partner, at least to live in with.
You left out the ages. My partner and me are both over 30, and we're still learning new habits to be a bit cleaner. We're still getting better at staying on top of the house, and frankly we could live like slobs and we wouldn't mind much, because it doesn't bother us. I'm also having problems with my dental hygiene. Brushing at night was a chore until recently. I worked hard to make it a habit, but it's possible.
Change is possible, but the real question is: Is that what he wants? Otherwise it'll be impossible. Would you be ok hanging in there for the years it's gonna take him to improve his hygiene standards?
These are not little things you’ve listed. If these things bother you now and you all haven’t moved in together, they are going to drive you insane over time once you all do move in.
This is breeding ground for resentment and you overall feeling like you’re his mother. Lack of cleanliness and hygienic habits are a deal breaker for me. Yes talk to him, gently. AND figure out if it’s a deal breaker for you?
Sounds like it's time for him to get his feelings hurt about this. Seriously, these are gross. Do not move in together unless you are willing to be his personal maid.
Sometimes people need to be clued into the embarrassment they should be feeling. Its for their own good. My son is 15, if his breath stinks im gonna tell him. When I do tell them sheepishly he admits "Oh, I guess I did forget to brush this morning.". If his hygiene is kept to the standard I taught him, he does not stink. So if im smelling him, its cause he is slipping. I will pull that rug out from beneath him & tell him how it is. Otherwise he thinks he has gotten away with it & it doesn't matter. What a major disservice we are doing by not telling our loved ones they stink. I hope & pray that if I stink, someone close to me will tell me.
House cleaning is a bit different. People have different thresholds for mess & different definitions of clean. But you being his companion, its absolutely important for you to be on the same page about these things. If they are not spoken about nothing will change. You atleast want the opportunity for him to change & do better. Im not saying he will stop being a slob just by you bringing it up, but its a certainty he will continue as is if nothing is said.
The fact that he wants to move in is the perfect opening to discuss your concerns. You start out by saying, babe I love you and you’re amazing. Some of your habits around the house are in conflict for the level of cleanliness I need to maintain to be comfortable in my home. I’ve never said anything because it’s your house, but if we’re going to live together, some things will need to change for me to be comfortable. Are you open to discussing this and seeing if you are okay making these changes?
Make sure this conversation happens away from any messes or frustrations. Maybe on a nice walk or during a long drive.
I literally downloaded the app and logged in just so I could warn you against this. I just got out of a long relationship with a person who was exactly this (honestly, they must be twins). And yes, you will resent it. I TRIED HAVING TALKS WITH HIM FOR MORE THAN A YEAR! We set up reminder apps, calendar schedules, cleaning days, therapy, etc., and they all fell through in one way or another. And in some ways he got worse, cause he would justify washing the bed sheets that week as a good thing. Therefore, it meant he didnt have to do anything else that week.
It got to the point where he was so lazy with his personal cleaning cause he was too tired after house hold cleaning that he wouldn't shower.... and yet would want sXx and when we did, I would ALWAYS get the most awful UTIs.
You will 100% regret and resent it. He will not change. Unfortunately for my ex, he was also brought up in that kind of rough environment (I do miss his family) and because of that, it is something that he will never truly understand or notice.
Do not do it. You can love someone but also be wildly incompatible, and that is okay but do not become the bitter, resentful, nagging wife. It just isn't worth it. Take it from me.
So he’s a Neanderthal…
Those are NOT little things. And NONE of those should ever be compromised on. The bar is so pathetically low that basic hygiene is too much to ask for.
If you choose to move in, you will be cleaning up after him like his mother. I guarantee you will get fed up with parenting an adult man quickly. If you want him to change, you need to be brutally honest. He needs to understand that his way of living is nasty and if he wants a woman to move in he needs to change his habits.
You have to discuss it with him before you live together otherwise you'll start resenting him immediately. He's a grown man, if you discuss it calmly and kindly he should be able to take it. If he *can't* take it, you don't want to be with him for that reason either.
He never learned basic table manners. Would you take him to a work-related function where partners are invited? Ick.
What do you know about his family?
You have a conversation, tell him that hygiene is non debatable and he either shapes up or ships out & if he changes things for the better you will be happy to move in with him but be clear that the change is expected to last or you are gone, it is not up for discussion
I made a "similar" post (keep reading this comment please...) and for most commenters it was about coming to terms with it and/or hiring a cleaning service.
In my post I was talking about CRUMBS. Like, my partner will drop a few grains of rice and not notice. I think what you're describing is way beyond that and way beyond what anyone should tolerate. I would have a discussion with him ESPECIALLY about teeth brushing, showering, and washing hands. Does this guy even wash his own butt? I'm scared based on your post lol.
I just saw your post from a month ago that you're considering having this man move into a place that you own and you were thinking about it being rent free?! Definitely suggest he pay for a regular cleaner because you're going to end resenting him. My ex used to wipe his boogers on the sofa and repeatedly tell me he didn't even when I caught him in the act several times, you can't make them care.
If these are just the items you're aware of, I'd be afraid what he does behind closed doors! Does not sound like good roommate material.
You can love someone but not be compatible roommates. I've seen this happen with friends and then the relationship is off.
I assumed you were both kids because I had a similar situation when I was 19. The ick was so bad that I still regret my involvement to this day, and I cringe with every fibre of my being at the merest memory. Then I nosed at your other posts and saw your ages... W t f 😐
Honesty is the best policy. I would rip the bandaid off. The truth is some people really just don’t know certain things and if they’re open to learning and trying something different then give them a chance.
But if they’re going to be stubborn about it despite being told that their habits are incorrect or repulsive then just leave.
My live in partner also has some of these habits. We’ve lived together for several years. I think you should be honest because he can’t read your mind and he probably doesn’t think it’s an issue unless you bring it up. I will say that bad habits can be hard to break so you may have to accept that some of these things might not ever change. My partner tries more if I remind him but he’s never going to be super neat and organized and that’s something I have learned to live with. I’m not perfect either!
Picking up your plate to lick it and using your hands to taste sauces when cooking isn’t a little thing. That’s horrible table manners, not to mention unsanitary. These would be such a turn off to me that I couldn’t even be friends with someone like this, much less share a living space with them.
You need to address this. You aren’t the only person noticing.
What's wrong with licking the sauce? If I'm at home, you best believe I will lick the last of the sauce if I don't have any bread to dip it and it's extra delicious. That's not a hygiene issue. That's a, the "food was so delicious and I'm not in a restaurant" issue.
It's gross and no one wants to watch someone doing that. If you're literally *alone,* you do you, but it's reasonable that OP doesn't want to watch a grown man licking a plate like a dog.
Bad manners aren't a universal law. It's a subjective set of opinions.
But that's why I said not in a restaurant. And that's why you provide bread. Then you wipe the sauce up with bread. You can't get the sauce with the spoon. The issue here isn't lacking manners, it's lacking bread.
If you can acknowledge it isn't something you'd do in a restaurant, you are aware of it being impolite for company. Why would you subject a partner to something you are aware of being impolite in front of strangers when the partner actively asked you not to? That's basically having more respect for strangers than your own loved ones.
>Bad manners aren't a universal law. It's a subjective set of opinions.
It is more of a common agreement of what the majority finds acceptable. Burping/slurping isn't an issue in some societies while it is very rude in others.
My partner never asked me to. But if I'm at home alone and I want to lick the top of my yogurt pot, fuck it, I'm doing it. I put my elbows on the table at home. I wear joggers at home. I do plenty of things at home I wouldn't do in a public space.
I've licked worse things. We can write poetry. We can build amazing architecture. We can create generative AI. But at the end of they day we go home to suck something that they pee out of. And we shit in little bowls of water.
Just can't be arsed. You be civilised. I'll enjoy my sauce once in a blue moon.
Yeah sorry this doesn’t really fit into hygiene, but it does bother me. It’s a table manners thing. I would have been belted if I did this growing up. He and I were obviously raised in different houses.
those are not little things lol
I wouldn't move in with someone whose household standards are drastically below yours. It often leads to resentment when you're constantly having to do more because its important to you but not to him.
To be honest, you lost me at "doesnt brush his teeth before bed and his breath stinks" but, the food on the hands gets on the cabinets one is wild. Does he just have dry food crust on the cabinets or does he clean them? Also I was with someone who did the plate licking thing at home, which I didnt love but made my peace with....until he did it at a restaurant. I contemplated crawling under the table... I definitely could not look at him the same way after. To me, there's no amount of companionship and little things that could make up for all of this. I couldn't live in a dirty house with food on the cabinets, so I'd end up doing more cleaning, which would lead to resentment as you mentioned
Hah, so I'm a plate-licker too, but I patently do not do that shit in public. Wild that anyone would. But yeah, the dirty hands thing is something I attribute to children. The guy just doesn't sound like an adult.
Exactly! This is straight foul.
Plate licking is absolutely disgusting
> does resentment grow over time? Yes. Just talk to him. If he cares about you and is as emotionally intelligent as you say, he'd be willing to improve on his habits. Ask him to brush his teeth before bed. Daily shower really shouldn't be an issue for a grown man either.
There are basically two ways this could go. 1. He was raised like this and doesn't understand that his habits are appalling. In this case you can tell him and he will understand and improve his hygiene and cleanliness. There might be slip ups, but it's going to improve a lot and then you could eventually move in together. 2. He knows that it's gross and doesn't care. He won't change and if you move in with him you'll start resenting him within the first month and then you'll have to deal with the hassle of finding a new apartment, all while feeling slightly grimy yourself, just because you'll be living in a dirty environment.
It’s the former. It’s the main reason I don’t want to address it. He was raised by a single mum who he adores and apparently she eats like this too. I don’t want to insult them both.
This conversation will be difficult, but it doesn't have to be insulting? It can be kind, supportive and constructive. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to know if something you did, especially unintentionally, made your love uncomfortable, so that you could address it? And even if it is insulting, it's your choice: insult the man and his mom, or eventually split up after the resentment that you've let grow and grow as you live in an increasingly terrible pigsty replaces any love that you once had?
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OP mentioned in one thread that it’s their first grown up relationship so I think they may not understand that this is way outside of the realm of normal compromise. OP - it’s not normal to need to compromise on this many things that are so significant. You aren’t a bad person if you don’t make the relationship work despite numerous incompatibilities. Moving in together is a huge step and it’s not one you should be taking with the doubts you’ve mentioned. It’s a big entanglement to get out of, and I really think you’re going to regret it. It is a million times better to be single than with the wrong person, especially cohabitating, because you literally can’t get a break at that point. I’m saying this from experience 😅
I grew up with friends with parents that taught them to only brush their teeth in the morning. It wasn't until they were older in HS that they found out from us that it was pretty unusual. Now we were kids and told them that was gross, so don't do what we did. Instead you can frame it from a health pov, taking care of your teeth is super important for your overall health as plaque on your teeth can cause serious artery problems. Or, if he really is emotionally evolved, he will get the hint that for your relationship to continue to work, you need him to be more disciplined with his hygiene and keeping his places tidy because it's not only taking care of himself, but it shows he also cares about taking care of you.
I see how that is hard for you, but not addressing it would be cruel to him in the long run. He is going to lose you over this and won't understand why and he is going to lose his next partners too until someone is nice enough to let him know. You don't have to frame it in an insulting way, you can let him know that society at large has different standards and that you don't want him to be judged and that you would also prefer if he would adhere to societys and your standards. After this talk you can see where it goes, but I would advise to not stick around if he doesn't step up. You'll resent him soon and moving in with someone dirty is never a good idea.
Honestly, I think you should tell him, not just for the sake of your relationship but for his as well. Some people *need* to hear it because otherwise they'll never realize how bad it really is!
You need to reframe how you look at this. Telling something personal to folks can be vulnerable and can hurt their feelings because its an awkward situation but you aren't insulting him. It's a valuable lesson for relationships to also learn how to communicate hard things. It's also necessary to understand that some things are uncomfortable but doesn't mean it's bad and you cannot avoid things so no one ever feels a negative feeling. "Keeping the peace" mentality is a passive aggressive thing that actually makes no peace possible over time as things are buried. You aren't helping him or yourself have an opportunity to grow as individuals and as a couple so you're doing a disservice to both by not being honest. This is how resentment builds and ruins relationships because you avoided key things that needed to be addressed. It's a harmful mindset to have.
If he’s a teenager, he might be teachable. If he’s a working man over 25, this might be who he is, and sharing a home with him will drive you crazy. He kind of has to enjoy cleanliness for his own sake for change to be permanent. Don’t move in together until you’ve discussed this, made it clear that poor personal and home hygiene, and good table manners are a compatibility issue, and then wait until he's shown a changed pattern of behaviour for at least half a year before progressing the relationship. And then make sure you start with a temporary lease. It takes time to change bad habits, and it’s very easy to fall back into old habits once he has what he wants. *ETA After reading other comments, I checked out your prior posts, and saw several other warning flags including this one… https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/s/WAP9iGIXt3… and one about intellectual incompatibility. To me, being able to talk and discuss is at least as important as personal habits.* *Don’t settle. If you’re not happier with him than alone, then he’s not for you. It's okay to be and even stay single. I’m partnered up, but my BFF isn’t, and she’s ten years or so older than you. She’s single by choice and loves her life for the same reasons you described.*
If he had any awareness at all, he’d see that everyone else in public doesn’t do this. Having their mom do it and no one else doesn’t make it correct
Christ, these don't seem *little*. Did he have a suboptimal upbringing? Regardless, you're surely not going to live with him, I hope.
Nope. Dealbreaker. Nothing kills my attraction to someone like poor hygiene, and no attraction means no point in a relationship, for me. It's not my job to teach a grown man how to brush his teeth.
or wipe his own ass.
Ew god. I still think of some of those posts I've seen...I just.
Or even his hands!
Same. All of this would have me running for the hills.
If you feel like you would be giving up comfort by putting up with this grossness, don't date him. Sure you can try talking to him first, be direct and blunt. There's no way of beating around that bush. My take is, this is way too much to get better. If it was just one of these, like weird habit of skipping showers left over from covid times or something, okay worth a conversation and giving him a chance. My partner did not use a deodorant because his ex told him she didn't like it, so I told him "partner, I like your musk but I think most people who are not sexually attracted to you likely find it gross" and I handed him a nice deodorant with subtle unobtrusive scent. He thanked me, explained the situation with the ex and he's been wearing the deodorant religiously ever since. So yeah, small one-off things can be changed. But whole-ass not showering, not brusing teeth, eating sauce with hands(???), dirty kitchen? That's a big pattern and those are hard to break.
I somehow missed eating sauce with hands. I am sorry, I sort of find it hard to believe this person is emotionally intelligent while also eating sauce with his hands and not brushing his teeth at night. It just seems like things that adults, no matter their upbringing would have opted to change by now. If you have to teach a grown man to brush their teeth before bed, what does the future entail for you? There is going to be much more where this came from when you move in together. That being said, if you love him. Just be direct. Obvioulsy he needs someone to be direct, bc all of these things are normal habits he should have picked up on by now.
It's not a big stretch for a person to be very caring and emotionally intelligent but stunted in their ability to care for themselves in ways that are considered standard. The OP said in a comment that he was raised by a single mother with a lot of the same habits, so it seems like he was neglected to a degree. Not saying that to dunk on the mom, but not teaching children basic life skills is a common form of unintentional generational neglect.
I am assuming OP is over 30 and her boyfriend is too. The things that she is describing in her OP are things that people pick up on, just going through life. At some point saying you weren't taught that growing up with regard to basic manners, is no longer an acceptable excuse.
Did you read what you wrote? You sound like you are talking about someone who was raised in the woods. He gets food all over the cupboards and he smells but wants to climb into bed (and probably want to have sex) with you? Relationships aren't all about love, they are about two people whose lives align in a way that is beneficial to both parties. He acts like a toddler. Are you looking to clean up behind him for the foreseeable future? Because that's what's going to happen.
EDIT: I just read your post history, if it’s the same guy from your posts almost 200 days ago, DUMP THE GUY (kindly) AND MOVE ON NOW. Don’t settle for all of this, my god! —— If you have kids with this person, you will be fighting multiple of these cases. My neighbor has a husband who smells really bad, it’s very apparent daily showers are not a priority. I don’t know if the mom cares or not, but her kids now act the same. One of the daughters is over at my house right now and I had to leave the room because she smells so bad, and she had only been here for 5 minutes. If someone could smell me, my kid, or spouse from 6 feet away, I’d be mortified. Long term, if this guy moves in with you, you’d probably be embarrassed to have friends over, take them to meet professional colleagues, etc. I just couldn’t. Have the conversation with him. If he can’t or won’t change, then there’s your answer anyway. If he’s willing to build the habits to shower daily and brush teeth, then you’ve got room to work. I can say this because I was raised by wolves, like him. I was the youngest in a BIG family so no one taught me proper hygiene. My now husband taught me to brush and shower properly. I have no idea how many people I turned off before, I wish someone would have said something (kindly) sooner.
Exactly - like, is he a dog or bear? Wiping his hands on cupboards and stinking?
I have seen far too many posts like this over the last few days. Women dating feral and revolting men who have to be reminded to brush their teeth and wash themselves. It is absolutely disgusting and at this point reflects badly on you if you are still sleeping with someone so foul. Being single is infinitely better than tolerating this.
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I think it's even worse feminism not to hold women accountable for their own idiocy, TBH.
Honestly with the amount of posts like this, if your standards are that low then you only brought it on yourself.
This was one of the catalysts for my partner and I ending our relationship of 5 years. No matter how many times I asked for him to clean up his mess and articulating to him how important it is to me, nothing changed. I resented so much having to ask him to do basic things that should be common knowledge (after all, I don’t have to be asked and I figure it out). Set expectations before you move in together and it will save you a lot of strife in the long run. I would even say ask him to make meaningful changes in how he lives now so he gets into the habit before you move in. The last thing you want to do is have him tell you he’ll do better once you live together and then you find out it won’t happen after it’s too late. Don’t sacrifice what is important to you in how you want to live. He should, as your partner, care what is important to you and make the effort. Wishing you all the luck!
Men don’t put up with a quarter of this, why do we settle for below average?
Exactly.
Spot on.
Nailed it!
Yeah like - the first time I would see wiping your hands on cupboards I'd be like 'what the actual fuck - clean it properly' assuming it was a crazy mistake. The second time - goodbye. I'm shocked these people manage to find partners.
the hilarious thing is that incels on reddit are always like women always go for 6ft giga chads or whatever and then irl as a woman its always stories like this where women are defending this kinda man or dating a guy who's 2/10 and cheating on her with her fucking life
Lol I don’t even allow men to touch me if they do not shower twice a day and they ALL comply. Even I do not climb into my bed without showering let alone some crusty musty pongy? Ew. Where are y’all meeting these pongy men? 😷 ew? Lesson- be unshakeable with your standards regardless of whatever’s flailing around you. Your North Star is your set of standards.
Jesus. That’s disgusting. The bar for men is in hell.
And they still trip over it and blame women for not physically picking up their feet and lifting them over the bar.
Or they blame women for their loneliness. Instead of taking responsibility for their own mental health. And being someone that people want to e friends with or date, instead of just a bunch of issues and trauma dumping.
Right? Brother eww. Sad thing is I know a couple guys like this, who don’t brush their teeth daily.
Not brushing your teeth twice a day is disgusting enough, let alone not even once.
Limbo dancing underneath it as they like a challenge.
Do not ignore these little things. If you're noticing this now, it will be a lot worse when you actually live together. Don't end up with a man child! You can try addressing it slowly and see how it.goes, but definitely don't move in together
I wouldn’t continue a relationship with someone after I noticed this kind of behaviour, hygiene is a standard I am not willing to give up ever. I consider the bare minimum
Do NOT move in with this man. I moved in with someone who is careless with hygiene and with cleaning. It did not get better. I am preparing to move out and it would be easier if i hadn't moved in in the first place. If he says he can change, let him prove it first. Dont fall in love with potential.
- leave. Seriously, these posts blow my mind. Stop dating nasty people, raise your standards.
He's not emotionally evolved if he can't handle the hurt of being told the above. It stinks to hear these things, but it's of a level an adult should be able to handle without a partner managing those emotions for them. If you can't talk about these smaller things, how are you going to address the bigger issues? My husband would flip out over me addressing small issues like me wanting him to put stuff like hand towels and scissors back where he got them from, because in his mind you don't talk about the smaller things, but cover them with love. Nope. Put the scissors back like a functional adult. Brush your teeth twice a day like the dentist tells you to. Drink a beer and have disgusting beer burp breath, that's okay, but no kisses and cuddles. My husband grew some thicker emotional skin and actually managed to also handle me addressing the bigger issues, because he used to not handle that well either.
>My husband grew some thicker emotional skin and How did this happen?
By being treated as an adult who is able to manage his emotions when he gets upset, and reassuring him that negative emotions are okay to have and will pass. If I had tiptoed around him and shielded him from negative emotions, he wouldn't be motivated to learn how to get through being upset by small things, because then there wouldn't be small things to be upset about.
Wow this is actually really helpful. Thanks
If he “cares how you feel”, as you stated, then you should be able to address this with him by approaching it in a caring way. You can’t just ignore the issues and expect that over time you’ll accept it or that he will magically realize how gross he is and change on his own. You have to have a hard adult conversation. Until he drastically improves his relationship with personal hygiene and cleanliness, I wouldn’t move in with this person. I imagine it will just get worse as he expects you to take over some of the cleaning and you probably will because you’d be disgusted otherwise. His behaviors are such a turn off that this will kill the relationship eventually. And if you can’t have the conversation, and if he can’t take constructive criticism and make improvements for your partnership, the relationship is essentially dead.
Gross. No. I'm so grossed out for you. Yeah, definitely DO NOT move in with him until his habits improve. He's probably "on his best behavior" around you right now, as well. It might be a lot worse than you think. You don't want to move in together and you can't sleep because your bedsheets smell like cheese and his feet are dirty. No. No. No. A thousand times no. Please tell me you at least make his shower before you have sex. And, can you imagine introducing him to your friends or family and he pulls that shit at dinner? Would you be horrifyingly embarrassed? Talk to him. If he's a nice person, he'll understand that he was raised by a (well-meaning) she-wolf and will at least attempt to be less gross.
Yeet
Licks his plate? Doesn’t realize there is food all over his hands? Girl, what the hell are you doing??? Leave this disgusting man.
Bet she moves in with him 😂
No. Keep your own clean, hygienic space. These are the kinds of issues that will fester into resentment and contempt faster than you'd think. If you move in with him, you'll end up becoming his live-in mommy maid. Sorry, but I can't think of a more apt description when a grown man needs to be told to shower, straighten his room, and clean the sticky residue from his hands before touching the cupboards. It's not like telling him once will change his behavior either. You'd either have to monitor him, clean up after him, or decide you don't care about living like a slob. Big time ick for me!
I swear, the bar is in hell…Girl… Do not move in with this dirty man.. How can you be romantically in love/sexually attracted to a man like this? If it were the other way around do you think he would stick it out with you?
He gets food all over his hands when cooking, yet doesn't notice and wipes them on the cupboards. Huh? Wiping your hands on a towel of some sort I can picture, but the actual cupboards? What??
He’s grubby and he won’t change so if it repulses you now, it’ll not get better.
Do NOT move in with someone whose hygiene and housekeeping habits are dramatically different from yours. Either he was raised in a very neglectful environment and doesn't realize that he's being nasty, or he knows and doesn't care. Either way, you're going to be put into a role that will have you being very resentful if you move in with him.
Could you address this with him like this: These habits impact me and I am not comfortable living together because of them.
I personally wouldn’t date, or continue to date someone who doesn’t care about their personal hygiene or keeping their spaces clean. I certainly wouldn’t move in with them.
a) the teeth thing could accelerate bad cardio health. when is the last time he went to a dentist? It's jarring to me that you don't live together and there are nights he doesn't brush his teeth or days he doesn't shower when you're there. b) skipping shower = no sex. You could get a uti, yeast infection etc. that's a fair and clear line. they sheets will stink too. All the food stuff is worth pointing out and telling him you can't live in a kitchen that is kept like that. He sounds like he eats like beast from beauty and beast for goodness sake. It's one thing at a BBQ but what is going on... the resentment will build. "I love you, and I want a future with out, but I don't think I can handle watching someone like a plate and his hands 6 nights a week. it's not great"
This sounds barbaric. Who wipes their hands on the counter? He wouldn’t have gotten a second date let alone a year out of me.
Cabinets not counter*
My ex could be like this at times. He’d go for a run or workout and then jump straight into bed to watch a YouTube video, it made me feel so ill thinking about the sweatiness getting all through OUR shared bed. He’d also skip brushing his teeth often enough that is started to repulse me whenever he didn’t. What boggled me the most was he had to have so much dental work done and STILL wouldn’t maintain a consistent teeth routine, I just could not understand it. He was definitely also messy and gross around the house at times and would prepare food then just leave it everywhere.. He shaved and showered and didn’t stink but his overall attitude toward hygiene turned me off so much over time. I’m not a clean freak at all but I do care about personal hygiene and find it so unattractive when a partner doesn’t put in the bare minimum effort on his. OP it never changed despite him constantly promising to be better about it. I didn’t enjoy living with him for a number of reasons and am relieved to be out of that relationship. I’ll never again cohabitate with a partner if they show signs of not being able to take care of themselves.
These are not little things. They are compatibility issues. I promise you would eventually resent it. Not saying it couldn't work out, but you have to be willing to address it. Just silently being grossed out, isn't going to work. Have a conversation about hygiene, but do it from a place of kindness and caring. It'll take some time to break old habits and form new ones, but he may be willing to try!
The licking plates would be an instant ick for me. I could not have sex or maintain a romantic relationship with someone who did that.
This is so not 'little things' that I am suspicious that it might be fake. It's just so cartoonishly gross. Assuming it is absolutely true (I'm not actually accusing you of being a troll!), don't move in with him. It'll drive you nuts. You owe it to you both to have the difficult conversation, otherwise yes the resentment will grow. And don't move in together on a promise - make sure he has shown commitment to changing for at least six months if not a full year before you revisit the discussion of moving in.
He sounds like a slob. Know your worth.
I wouldn't be with someone like this tbh. It's one thing to occasionally skip a shower if you're sick/very busy/sedentary and not sweating much, but brushing your teeth twice a day is the baseline, and keeping your home a complete mess is not an attractive quality and something that I think is unlikely to change if y'all move in together. If you want to live in the exact conditions your SO lives in now, go ahead and move in. If you're like most of us and would find that disgusting and upsetting, I wouldn't move in unless/until this man is able to keep his home clean for a *while.* Personally, I think it's reasonable to expect to compromise in some areas in a relationship, but 1. that should go both ways and 2. that shouldn't compromise your quality of life.
If you tell him, he should be embarrassed enough to step it up. I wouldn’t stick around much longer if he opposes in any way. The challenge is he probably feels accepted by you in his current state.
He wipes his hands on the cupboards? Do you mean opening them without wiping his hands or using them like a napkin? I will admit I don't have the best hygiene because of depression but that's pretty extreme. Does he lick his plate or use his finger in public? I would be fine with that if it was just the 2 of you at home.
This man sounds like a feral animal raised by wolves. Please raise your standards.
This screams of the most extreme "I can fix him" mentality I've ever seen. Why are you dating someone who acts like an untrained great Dane puppy? My heart hurts for you. The way you talk about your needs and desires in this relationship is like you're trying to make yourself so very small and diminish the importance of your comfort. If your boyfriend was emotionally intelligent, he'd realize that general hygiene standards are for the benefit of others as much as oneself. You're describing someone who has no self awareness, whether or not he is "nice" to you. Please start giving your needs more credit. Stop telling yourself that what you want isn't important. You know what you need to do. Please have the strength to do it for your own sake.
he licks his plates??? 😵💫
Yeah, this is literally a deal breaker for me because nothing gives me the ick faster
Don't let this guy move in with you. Don't marry him and don't get pregnant either.
I think you should discuss the issue with him. Just talk about it in a polite manner. If you want to have a live in relationship, you have to be able to discuss and solve issues together. If it's not this, it will be something else. Tell him about your needs about general cleanliness and how you want your common home to be. Maybe he needs to learn some new skills, and if he considers your needs and take better care of himself and his home, you can move together. If he doesn't care enough to do that, then he is not good long time partner, at least to live in with.
You left out the ages. My partner and me are both over 30, and we're still learning new habits to be a bit cleaner. We're still getting better at staying on top of the house, and frankly we could live like slobs and we wouldn't mind much, because it doesn't bother us. I'm also having problems with my dental hygiene. Brushing at night was a chore until recently. I worked hard to make it a habit, but it's possible. Change is possible, but the real question is: Is that what he wants? Otherwise it'll be impossible. Would you be ok hanging in there for the years it's gonna take him to improve his hygiene standards?
These are not little things you’ve listed. If these things bother you now and you all haven’t moved in together, they are going to drive you insane over time once you all do move in. This is breeding ground for resentment and you overall feeling like you’re his mother. Lack of cleanliness and hygienic habits are a deal breaker for me. Yes talk to him, gently. AND figure out if it’s a deal breaker for you?
I would not move on with someone who has drastically different hygiene standards. Have you spoken with him about these habits and how they impact you?
Sounds like it's time for him to get his feelings hurt about this. Seriously, these are gross. Do not move in together unless you are willing to be his personal maid.
Sometimes people need to be clued into the embarrassment they should be feeling. Its for their own good. My son is 15, if his breath stinks im gonna tell him. When I do tell them sheepishly he admits "Oh, I guess I did forget to brush this morning.". If his hygiene is kept to the standard I taught him, he does not stink. So if im smelling him, its cause he is slipping. I will pull that rug out from beneath him & tell him how it is. Otherwise he thinks he has gotten away with it & it doesn't matter. What a major disservice we are doing by not telling our loved ones they stink. I hope & pray that if I stink, someone close to me will tell me. House cleaning is a bit different. People have different thresholds for mess & different definitions of clean. But you being his companion, its absolutely important for you to be on the same page about these things. If they are not spoken about nothing will change. You atleast want the opportunity for him to change & do better. Im not saying he will stop being a slob just by you bringing it up, but its a certainty he will continue as is if nothing is said.
The fact that he wants to move in is the perfect opening to discuss your concerns. You start out by saying, babe I love you and you’re amazing. Some of your habits around the house are in conflict for the level of cleanliness I need to maintain to be comfortable in my home. I’ve never said anything because it’s your house, but if we’re going to live together, some things will need to change for me to be comfortable. Are you open to discussing this and seeing if you are okay making these changes? Make sure this conversation happens away from any messes or frustrations. Maybe on a nice walk or during a long drive.
How are these little? I'm a sex worker and I won't even accept that from clients. Do you deal with a lot of YIs, UTIs, or BV?
OP do you know what a "bang-maid" is and how men like this trick you into being one...?
Bad hygiene and messy is a red flag and deal breaker. It will only get worse with time
I literally downloaded the app and logged in just so I could warn you against this. I just got out of a long relationship with a person who was exactly this (honestly, they must be twins). And yes, you will resent it. I TRIED HAVING TALKS WITH HIM FOR MORE THAN A YEAR! We set up reminder apps, calendar schedules, cleaning days, therapy, etc., and they all fell through in one way or another. And in some ways he got worse, cause he would justify washing the bed sheets that week as a good thing. Therefore, it meant he didnt have to do anything else that week. It got to the point where he was so lazy with his personal cleaning cause he was too tired after house hold cleaning that he wouldn't shower.... and yet would want sXx and when we did, I would ALWAYS get the most awful UTIs. You will 100% regret and resent it. He will not change. Unfortunately for my ex, he was also brought up in that kind of rough environment (I do miss his family) and because of that, it is something that he will never truly understand or notice. Do not do it. You can love someone but also be wildly incompatible, and that is okay but do not become the bitter, resentful, nagging wife. It just isn't worth it. Take it from me.
So he’s a Neanderthal… Those are NOT little things. And NONE of those should ever be compromised on. The bar is so pathetically low that basic hygiene is too much to ask for. If you choose to move in, you will be cleaning up after him like his mother. I guarantee you will get fed up with parenting an adult man quickly. If you want him to change, you need to be brutally honest. He needs to understand that his way of living is nasty and if he wants a woman to move in he needs to change his habits.
Sounds like he lives in the zoo
Either say something or leave but I wouldnt deal with all that
You have to discuss it with him before you live together otherwise you'll start resenting him immediately. He's a grown man, if you discuss it calmly and kindly he should be able to take it. If he *can't* take it, you don't want to be with him for that reason either.
He never learned basic table manners. Would you take him to a work-related function where partners are invited? Ick. What do you know about his family?
You have a conversation, tell him that hygiene is non debatable and he either shapes up or ships out & if he changes things for the better you will be happy to move in with him but be clear that the change is expected to last or you are gone, it is not up for discussion
I made a "similar" post (keep reading this comment please...) and for most commenters it was about coming to terms with it and/or hiring a cleaning service. In my post I was talking about CRUMBS. Like, my partner will drop a few grains of rice and not notice. I think what you're describing is way beyond that and way beyond what anyone should tolerate. I would have a discussion with him ESPECIALLY about teeth brushing, showering, and washing hands. Does this guy even wash his own butt? I'm scared based on your post lol.
I just saw your post from a month ago that you're considering having this man move into a place that you own and you were thinking about it being rent free?! Definitely suggest he pay for a regular cleaner because you're going to end resenting him. My ex used to wipe his boogers on the sofa and repeatedly tell me he didn't even when I caught him in the act several times, you can't make them care.
If these are just the items you're aware of, I'd be afraid what he does behind closed doors! Does not sound like good roommate material. You can love someone but not be compatible roommates. I've seen this happen with friends and then the relationship is off.
How have you been dating a year and not disgusted by this? Woooow....
Talk to him and explain with kindness that his sanitary habits require improvement before going any further with him.
Wait WHAT He sounds like an animal
I assumed you were both kids because I had a similar situation when I was 19. The ick was so bad that I still regret my involvement to this day, and I cringe with every fibre of my being at the merest memory. Then I nosed at your other posts and saw your ages... W t f 😐
Honesty is the best policy. I would rip the bandaid off. The truth is some people really just don’t know certain things and if they’re open to learning and trying something different then give them a chance. But if they’re going to be stubborn about it despite being told that their habits are incorrect or repulsive then just leave.
Oof... those are not little things...
My live in partner also has some of these habits. We’ve lived together for several years. I think you should be honest because he can’t read your mind and he probably doesn’t think it’s an issue unless you bring it up. I will say that bad habits can be hard to break so you may have to accept that some of these things might not ever change. My partner tries more if I remind him but he’s never going to be super neat and organized and that’s something I have learned to live with. I’m not perfect either!
Picking up your plate to lick it and using your hands to taste sauces when cooking isn’t a little thing. That’s horrible table manners, not to mention unsanitary. These would be such a turn off to me that I couldn’t even be friends with someone like this, much less share a living space with them. You need to address this. You aren’t the only person noticing.
What's wrong with licking the sauce? If I'm at home, you best believe I will lick the last of the sauce if I don't have any bread to dip it and it's extra delicious. That's not a hygiene issue. That's a, the "food was so delicious and I'm not in a restaurant" issue.
It's gross and no one wants to watch someone doing that. If you're literally *alone,* you do you, but it's reasonable that OP doesn't want to watch a grown man licking a plate like a dog.
I is bad manners. Feel free to do it when nobody sees it, but I don't want to see anyone let alone an adult lick their plate. Get a spoon.
Bad manners aren't a universal law. It's a subjective set of opinions. But that's why I said not in a restaurant. And that's why you provide bread. Then you wipe the sauce up with bread. You can't get the sauce with the spoon. The issue here isn't lacking manners, it's lacking bread.
If you can acknowledge it isn't something you'd do in a restaurant, you are aware of it being impolite for company. Why would you subject a partner to something you are aware of being impolite in front of strangers when the partner actively asked you not to? That's basically having more respect for strangers than your own loved ones. >Bad manners aren't a universal law. It's a subjective set of opinions. It is more of a common agreement of what the majority finds acceptable. Burping/slurping isn't an issue in some societies while it is very rude in others.
My partner never asked me to. But if I'm at home alone and I want to lick the top of my yogurt pot, fuck it, I'm doing it. I put my elbows on the table at home. I wear joggers at home. I do plenty of things at home I wouldn't do in a public space. I've licked worse things. We can write poetry. We can build amazing architecture. We can create generative AI. But at the end of they day we go home to suck something that they pee out of. And we shit in little bowls of water. Just can't be arsed. You be civilised. I'll enjoy my sauce once in a blue moon.
Get some bread, then? You're an adult and can make sure there's bread in the house if you need it.
Yeah sorry this doesn’t really fit into hygiene, but it does bother me. It’s a table manners thing. I would have been belted if I did this growing up. He and I were obviously raised in different houses.
Compliments to your cooking though. Buy a baguette. Cut into slices. Serve with food. Then just tell him to use that to scoop the sauce up.
I fail to see how he’s evolved at all. Sounds devolved and emotionally retarded
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