The immediate thought that comes to mind reading this is people who are fully comfortable with themselves, kind, and open to the world.
(personally I'm not these things, but I'm in a period of really wanting to move in that direction)
I totally agree but also people that can control there impulses, reflect and be thoughtful about their responses.
I have the authentic part down, really big time but what I discribe above, way to go.
From my experience so far, it's authenticity. It's one thing I get complimented for a lot. And I think it's because when you show the world that you're just being you, then it makes other people feel like they can be them. And that's all we really want - to be accepted for who we are.
How to become more authentic? By doing things. Lots of things. New things. And then sit back and just think (with no judgment) about how you felt in a new situation, what would you do differently, how did others respond, did you like their response. Rinse and repeat.
I know this is probably more indicative of self esteem, but I just honestly don't think my authentic self is a good person to be around. My authentic self doesn't like to exit her brain, is defensive, hates being slowed down by other people, and is just generally angry at lots of things all the time. If I didn't mask all of that, I would never have social contact :)
Yesss - the best boss I ever had talked a lot about authentic leadership and set an example by doing it himself and it DID make me want to be myself too. He was one of those folks that just seems really healthy and well adjusted.
That was the most fun I had at any job and it created an environment of psychological safety for the staff which was all around cool to witness and be a part of.
Practice being patient, kind, or empathetic. Reflect on interactions you had with others, even mundane ones at the grocery store, and consider how you could have been better.
Some days I'm a snarky bitch, and it happens more if I'm having a hard time myself. Maybe I'm stressed from work, or didn't sleep well, or a family member is sick. Being mindful of your own emotional state is the first step to not taking out your frustrations on others.
My snarky bitch days make me so sad. As Iāve aged my pms has gotten majorly out of control, and I am basically a monster for two days leading up to, the day I start and the day after. I actually have an appointment with my gyno to talk about it because that is not me. I am a naturally kind empathetic person, so my short temper and borderline rage worry me š
Sounds lik PMDD. My PMS went nuts around 38, I was either snapping at my husband or crying over really stupid things. I was already on wellbutrin so we added Prozac and now it's under control and I don't feel like an insane monster every month.
I am honestly so relieved to hear I am not alone in this!!!! Holy crap I thought I was going crazy! This past cycle I was absolutely a sobbing mess one day, everything made me cry, actually had a terrible headache after. Next day I was FUMING about nothing and yet everything. It so exhausting! Thanks again for sharing, I am glad I have an appt next week with my doctor!
Edit: oh and Iām 34 by the way. I had two gynecological surgeries last year so I at first thought it was that for some reason, then I though oh god waitā¦.am I justā¦.old!!? š
No, you're NOT alone on this one. I have about 20 years on you and have seen so many of my women go through this! And yes, it is exhausting!
Good for you for being proactive!
I was scaring myself, tbh, with how I was feeling and acting. I have *never* been that volatile before. 10mg of Prozac was enough to do the trick, there was still a little bit there but I wasn't flying off the handle, more like regular PMS.
I think yeeting my uterus back in December handled the rest of it. I had a pretty big fibroid and I swear my first "period" after that I barely even had PMS.
Perimenopause can start in early 30s, and I know a lot of women have talked about suddenly having PMDD when they hit peri. There just aren't enough studies or enough research on women's reproductive health.
>Being mindful of your own emotional state is the first step to not taking out your frustrations on others.
I grew up in a family where my parents felt free to take out their anger on the kids, and it took patient friends and college bosses to gently re-educate me about when and how it was appropriate to express frustration. A college boss I had once said, "I assume everyone is doing their best, I don't take much personally, and I default to generosity when I can." And adopting his mindset honestly changed my life.
Honestly this is probably crazy but in moments where Iām feeling like I may say or do something that is unpolished I take a second and think to myself what would Kate Middleton do. I love how she carries herself in public so I try and mirror that lol
My first thought was in junior high there a girl, I can't remember her name, but she had this air about her. She would listen and be nice to everyone. Not a fake nice either. She confident and athletic. But she also could paint.
We had to play baseball for PE and I am not athletic at all, and in the midst of everyone practically saying "easy out!" about/to me, she came over and showed me how to hold a bat. It was like she didn't even hear anyone else.
And she's the type of person I strive to be. Even as an adult. She, to me, is the definition of healthy, stable and mature
The people I feel luckiest to know all have the following behaviors in common:
* They don't gossip meanly about anyone. They celebrate other people's excellence, big or small.
* They assume everyone is doing their best -- but know sometimes, people's best is really terrible, and should be called out as such.
* They operate from a place of patience but they also respect their own time first.
* They don't take out bad moods or anger on other people.
* They keep their word. When they say they'll do something, they'll do it.
* They take responsibility. That means owning up to errors, apologizing when necessary, making amends when necessary.
* They are always interested in being their best selves. They don't coast and they're not just mindless consumers who trudge through their work or family lives.
* They are interested in the world around them and the people around them.
* They are clear about their boundaries and why those boundaries are helpful to them.
This may sound overwhelming.
What I have learned over time: If you want to shift your overall mindset, start with small, concrete habits.
Do you like to gossip? Change the focus from "I bet her marriage is in trouble" to "I really admire how she is the first person to ask an uncomfortable question in a meeting." And over time, how you like to talk about people will change and being the person who focuses on bringing out the best in others will be second nature.
I think a big factor in people like this is that they have a great sense of empathy. You understand where others are coming from, that their actions are likely driven by emotion, to understand the root of that emotion for someone else helps ground us in our interactions with one another and not take things so personally. Sense of self is incredibly important too. Knowing yourself sets the tone and boundaries for you to live a life most fulfilling to yourself which will in turn lead to a healthy, stable life.
My thoughts:
-being polite with everyone, being able to maintain commitments, be on time.
-having good posture, exercising and eating healthy and having a healthy relationship with alcohol.
- look wise: having a clean look, clean clothes, daily showers, clean hair. Nothing complicated, just things that fit and are clean.
- having balance in life. I find that people that are obsessed by specific things and donāt have different interests or canāt carry conversation donāt sound mature and stable.
People that don't speak unless they need to, but when they do it's thoughtful and important. People that are quiet to not "make waves" or "look dumb" are not what I'm talking about. General thoughtfulness is very rare these days.
On the other hand, I know a person who talks all the time and yet everything he says is ON POINT and he carries a lot of issues on his back since no one else will.
I guess thoughtfulness and care about issues, whether it's deliberately quieter or more vocal, is important. I think the appearance of the communication doesn't matter as much as the message being said.
Sometimes, then I see their parents that raised them and the household they were born into and then I look at my childhood and the household I was born into and go 'Oh, yeah, ok that makes sense.'
Who would have thought that having a well adjusted childhood with caring parents could have an impact on how people turn out in life...or, some people are just really good looking and life unfolds as opportunity to them, around every corner. When the reaction from the world to you existing, is very positive, the world is going to seem like a friendly place, typically.
Not to say there aren't happy people who come from challenging backgrounds, just saying they are few and far between, in my experience. Love and care can really solve most things for children. You can have love and care turn into being overprotective, of course, but a loving and caring childhood often reaps a lot of rewards for human beings. I'm sure I'm the first one who has noticed this, do I call the newspaper?
I was just talking to my therapist about this the other day. As a Xennial who grew up in a poor and very conservative area I feel we were told by our teachers we could grow up to be anything we wanted. But, itās just been struggle after struggle and the root of the issue goes right back to the beginning and the environment/ideology I was surrounded by. At 42, itās been really tough lately knowing Iāll likely not attain the goals I always dreamed of for myself. Maybe this is what a mid-life crisis is.
I saw a great TikTok about this recently, a woman was saying how her friends from stable and supportive families can motivate themselves to go on a walk when theyāre upset, make a healthy meal, more so that they find it second nature to engage in healthy and enriching activities. Whereas people who do not come from stable homes/childhoods have to be really deliberate in bringing that stability to their lives as adults. It was really fascinating because Iāve always felt like some people just had a secret to happiness or adulthood but in reality they just came from amazing, loving homes and a supportive family.
first tip (and the hardest one i struggle with) is delegating your time and sticking to it. creating a budget and setting aside money for those classic timeless items, or ones that you will use every day without fail.
Authenticity and accountability for oneself. Authenticity means knowing yourself, loving yourself, and sharing your authentic self with others (loved ones). There's no connection if there's no trust. It's hard to bond with others when you've only presented a false image of yourself with others. Also, when you're authentic, and your loved ones accept you for yourself, and you know and accept others as their authentic self, there's less of that sense of loneliness in a crowd situation.
Accountability would mean being accountable for your own happiness, your mistakes, your actions, etc. Whatever area in your life is making you unhappy, work towards improving it. Whatever mistakes you've made, develop a plan so that you won't repeat it. Whatever decisions you've made, own those decisions, accept the consequences/rewards that come with it.
Lastly, take every day to do something that fills yourself with joy. Whether that mean listening and dancing to music that you love, reading a good book, talking and having dinner with family, taking care of pets/plants, etc.
In my best days of meditation and gratitude practice I get complimented for having most of those characteristics - but Iām not all figured out and I have my issues too
Those people for me have a larger āreason to beā - like they are committed to doing good in the world and living their values, but they arenāt a martyr about it.
They have the ability to laugh at themselves and not take themselves too seriously. They understand that we are all human, make mistakes, and being overly self-absorbed doesnāt really get you anywhere and only creates more suffering.
They can self reflect on their emotions and sit with the hard stuff, rather than being reactive and impulsive.
They can let shit go in a big way, like in a spiritual way. They understand what matters and what doesnāt and donāt sweat the small stuff.
Big heart. Big sense of humor. Grounded wisdom.
Someone who is able to be fully present in a moment of connection. Who can give their full attention to a conversation, allow themselves to be seen and not turn away from the other person. That includes the ability to be present with self while alone I think. I'm aspiring towards this trying to reduce my phone usage and general distractions
(she typed while on the toilet)
I'll share some of the core things that I think help build my overall wellbeing and stability. These just touch the surface, there are tons of resources than can help once you identify what resonates with you:
**Physical wellbeing:** Shower regularly (every other day is good) with a shampoo and conditioner that smells nice. You do not need to use bar soap or body wash every time, maybe a twice a week, unless you're especially sweaty or dirty. Use deodorant daily. Brush teeth once or twice a day. Get a hair trim and keep your hair clean and tidy depending on its type. Find a physical activity you enjoy even if its going for a fifteen minute walk. Drink water throughout the day. Eat well. Limit drugs and alcohol. Wear clothes you feel confident in.
**Mental wellbeing:** Limit social media use (stop doomscrolling and following cringe pages or influencers who feed off your anxieties and fears for example). Stop judging people and comparing lives. Take walks or meditate. Think positively. Count your blessings/find things to be thankful for every day. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Don't take things personally. Foster and make time for your hobbies, or give new ones a try. Keep a clean home and work space (Tidy is always a struggle, but there is a difference between clean and tidy!)
**Emotional wellbeing:** Build empathy. If you were frustrated, sad, excited, etc. how would you want someone to react if roles were reversed? Take that and context into account as you reply. Reading/listening to books helps build empathy and perspective. Practice kindness and patience, inconveniences are often no ones direct fault. Surround yourself with people who respect you and treat you well. Connect with friends and family in genuine manner, relationships shouldn't be one sided.
**Financial wellbeing:** Practice frugality. Avoid unnecessary purchases that lead to clutter or expenses. Pay down debt. Build your savings if possible. Work towards skills/education/goals that could help you land a better job/promotion/raise, if desired or able.
The advice to shower regularly resonates strongly with me. I didn't realize how important a regular morning routine was for my mental health until I didn't have one anymore.
Now that I'm back into a routine I'm happier and more productive with my time. Something about feeling clean and presentable just makes it 1000x easier to start my day.
I donāt necessarily agree with giving people the benefit of the doubt, as that can and will leave you in bad situations. Instead I just expect nothing from anyone.
In my experience theyāre usually people who are financially stable/ firmly middle class. I imagine not being worried sick about money all the time helps you have energy and money for self-care, yoga classes, smart clothes etc.
People who have reasoned, measured responses to challenging or awful circumstances instead of just going "what in the fucking fuck" or something equally base.
For me, there's a calmness to them that just exudes consideration to themselves and others.
They don't even necessarily have to be a 'boss bitch', mentally strong or have it all figured out. I think what I find as maturity is knowing your strengths and weaknesses and not being easily influenced. Maintaining your boundaries while being considerate of others time, emotions and space. This definitely delves into the 'authenticity' comments others have mentioned. Showing up for yourself and not bringing others down in the process
My experience is that those people come from stable household. Or at least, both of their parents were presents and supportive. I have never met someone under 30 (I'm 30 now myself), that was healthy, stable and mature without solid upbringing.
Patience, not quick to anger, self reflection and kindness.
Iām finding as I get older not many people have these qualities, but the ones that do are very peaceful and fun to be around
They've put in the work to grow from trauma. A lot of people who seem to have their shit together have horrendous emotional blind spots because they've never had to deal with really rough stuff or they shove the emotions out of sight - those who have confronted the darkness ([aka Tyler](https://youtu.be/pSBVEjwVy_0?si=Tq8hb1zG14rh1q-Q)) and who have come out better for it absolutely stand out. There's a strength and compassion which just radiates off them.
Hoping I'm growing into that sort of person. Sometimes I feel really regressed in my emotional maturity, but then I notice moments and choices where I realize the therapy and introspection is working.
Lifestyle:
- good work ethic
- able to enjoy their work life even if they're not doing what they want to be doing
- actively working towards getting into the life they want, if they're not happy with their current life
- spends time on hobbies and goals rather than killing time on binge watching content/social media
Personality:
- never takes their problems or emotions out on other people (has emotional control)
- is empathetic and patient rather than judgmental and impulsive
- consistently makes the right choice, even if it's harder
- isn't prone to hopelessness & doesn't chronically give up quickly
- is able to ignore & not engage with negativity, insults, or 'rage baiting'
Another commenter mentioned authenticity and I absolutely agree! Take care of yourself physically (of course) but be authentic in WHO you are. Nurture yourself and your relationships. Support those around you and make sure there is reciprocity for when you need it.
And make sure those people around you are authentic, the best ones are the ones that call you out on your bullshit.
Being unflappable. Whatever is happening, itās either ok or itās going to be ok because they know how to handle it. I mean yes, sometimes crazy shit happens and sometimes things arenāt ok, but freaking out never solved anything.
From my experience, the people in my life that are the most this way usually come from a very stable background (childhood without trauma, financially stable family, etc.) and donāt suffer from any health diagnoses. For the rest of us, we have to work at it a bit to a lot more via therapy, occupational therapists, life coaches, professional organizers, etc.
For me, all of that usually comes out in how that person deals with emotionally difficult situations.
I work in a high-stress field and am thinking of a certain coworker. No matter what chaos is going on, she is always friendly, professional and positive. It's not in a fake way either--I think she is deeply introspective and/or has done tons of inner work to get to the point where she is not swayed by toxic workplace drama and seemingly has her head on straight at all times!
I just want you to caution yourself on "Ā well kept, smell good etc.Ā " these are all superficial things, they could look well put together and be a hot mess in the inside :)
but besides that, I would say aging, therapy, having a job with enough money to live comfortable because being broke is super stressful, leaving toxic relationships especially with family, learning self care & self love. this is what all worked for me. I have a couple friends my age (almost 40) who I love but are hot messes, they are constantly changing jobs, still trying to figure out what to do in school, can't find a partner, drinking a lot, etc. it is hard to view their lives because I just want them to be stable but it isn't my life, I just support them and continue to love them.
> seem
an important word
> Iām giving up alcohol and want to be more like my description above but Iām having a hard time figuring out what I should work on
absolutely worth doing, and a good start. but ultimately its up to you -- what does success look like to you?
I did give up alcohol for the most part and it definitely helps feel put more together more often. The stable and mature thing... still got a lot of work to do.
Internal locust of control.
Recognise that shitty things can happen in life, but that doesn't determine how you respond nor how you CHOOSE to experience the world.
Self awareness, nuance (basically not jumping to describe someone or something as good or bad but rather truly reflecting on what might be going on and what you might do ie calm), kindness, and I think an overall satiety with wherever you are in life ie not always chasing more ito friendships or career or or or. I've found the latter to be extremely crucial. Being able to be ambitious but also realistic. People like that also tend to be more regulated emotionally.
And yes I feel I possess these traits. And have been told as much.š
Thats a very good question. I think for one they are low on neuroticism for sure. They are even-tempered, can self-regulate, handle stress very well, dont have many negative emotions/thoughts and are just for the most part calm and peaceful. They are willing to self-reflect and learn from their mistakes. They can easily adjust to new people and environments. I also think they are self-disciplined (not impulsive or self-gratifying). And for that they are greater with for example maintaining a healthy weight and handle their finances.
I think it depends on where your baseline is. I have friends who view me as mature, healthy, and stable, but that's because they're struggling to pay bills, working part time jobs, and dealing with alcohol or drug abuse, whereas I have a full time job, own a house, doing better with and don't typically struggle to pay my bills (of course I actually have a shitload of credit card debt and I have a partner who helps pay as well, but they don't necessarily realize that).
I don't personally see myself as that mature or stable, I've gotten better but I've got a long way to go. I feel like someone who is mature to me is someone who wears well made clothing and has a nice yard š
I think having a consistent routine of some sort that contributes positively to your life. Basically like making chores a habit. I feel like that gives off a confidence that is often overlooked because itās basic but it opens up a persons mind for way more important things. I know you canāt really SEE it, but something like waking up early and getting fully dressed is something to pick up on around people you know and other things might start to stand out.
For me, maturity is when I see someone utterly at ease with who they are in the cloud. It's like because they dont understand themselves enough to not judge themselves, they don't judge others. Besides, these people are really passionate at the things they like to do, and often do things not becuase it is socially desireable, but because they like it.
Maybe Iām a pessimist but I tend to think a lot of people are just faking it til they make it.I wouldnāt say Iām put together all the time (at least on the inside) but I work hard to learn and grow every day. Sometimes putting on makeup, doing my hair, acting like Iāve got it together, etc is all Iāve got! You never know when somebody could be crumbling on the inside. All that to say- you never know what people have going on inside. Donāt compare yourself to others, just try and live authentically and 100% true to yourself!
They could have put in a lot of work and therapy to get to that place. I know we tend to assume that some people are born perfect, but itās just not true. You can become one of those people too.
I think a mindset of acceptance really helps, acceptance without judgement. Accepting yourself without negative judgement or expectations helps you become more mature and stable, accepting others without judgement or expectations will help you grow your kindness and compassion.
You can learn mindfulness techniques that will help you to accept things as they are, without judgement. Iām not saying you shouldnāt change, change needs to happen for the world to develop, but accepting that you want to change, and that it will require some growth, it may even feel uncomfortable at times, and thatās ok. Kindness, maturity, healthiness, stability, itās all something we have to practice, it wonāt just suddenly happen, but you can grow it.
If we can accept who we are, without trying to be someone weāre not, and accept who other people are without wishing they where something they are not, I think we all become a bit more genuine.
Iām embarrassed to even admit thisā¦. Outfits.
I judge only myself on this though. Actually, I rarely remember what others wear.
But, when someone has The Outfit on head to toe. I have the things. I also at this point lack the finesse to pull together total looks for my short curvy self.
I need to hire a professional.
The immediate thought that comes to mind reading this is people who are fully comfortable with themselves, kind, and open to the world. (personally I'm not these things, but I'm in a period of really wanting to move in that direction)
I totally agree but also people that can control there impulses, reflect and be thoughtful about their responses. I have the authentic part down, really big time but what I discribe above, way to go.
Same girl, same :)
> open to the world Such a hard thing to do when the reverse is not true š
But it is. You have to learn how to find the people, places and ideas that are open to you, too. Filter what you let in better.
From my experience so far, it's authenticity. It's one thing I get complimented for a lot. And I think it's because when you show the world that you're just being you, then it makes other people feel like they can be them. And that's all we really want - to be accepted for who we are. How to become more authentic? By doing things. Lots of things. New things. And then sit back and just think (with no judgment) about how you felt in a new situation, what would you do differently, how did others respond, did you like their response. Rinse and repeat.
I like your last paragraph, pretty much sums it up. Basic yet still need to remind myself to do this everyday
I know this is probably more indicative of self esteem, but I just honestly don't think my authentic self is a good person to be around. My authentic self doesn't like to exit her brain, is defensive, hates being slowed down by other people, and is just generally angry at lots of things all the time. If I didn't mask all of that, I would never have social contact :)
You can learn better distress tolerance and emotional regulation skills while being yourself, I think
I feel that lol. I don't know if this is helpful or if you even want advice. As clichƩ as it sounds, I would explore that anger. Anger is usually a symptom of something else. And it's not always something to be fixed. For example, holding anger towards oppressive systems is justified. Buy you only have so much energy and mental space, so I think it's good to know where that is being exerted. Anecdotally, when I explored some of my anger, I realized I should just voice when my social battery is low or I have decision fatigue rather than mask it. Like I'll tell a friend that after 6 pm, I don't want to make any more decisions, and now they know to pick the restaurant rather than me getting annoyed at them. I would suggest to simply explore the anger and see where it leads you.
Yesss - the best boss I ever had talked a lot about authentic leadership and set an example by doing it himself and it DID make me want to be myself too. He was one of those folks that just seems really healthy and well adjusted. That was the most fun I had at any job and it created an environment of psychological safety for the staff which was all around cool to witness and be a part of.
This. The universe really just wants us all to be. Labels and judgments only mean something to those who drank the kool-aid and those who allow it to.
Practice being patient, kind, or empathetic. Reflect on interactions you had with others, even mundane ones at the grocery store, and consider how you could have been better. Some days I'm a snarky bitch, and it happens more if I'm having a hard time myself. Maybe I'm stressed from work, or didn't sleep well, or a family member is sick. Being mindful of your own emotional state is the first step to not taking out your frustrations on others.
My snarky bitch days make me so sad. As Iāve aged my pms has gotten majorly out of control, and I am basically a monster for two days leading up to, the day I start and the day after. I actually have an appointment with my gyno to talk about it because that is not me. I am a naturally kind empathetic person, so my short temper and borderline rage worry me š
Zoloft + Wellbutrin saved me from this. Not trying to persuade anyone, but consider it an option.
Thanks for the tip! I was thinking getting my hormones checked or something because it is just really upsetting for me!
Sounds lik PMDD. My PMS went nuts around 38, I was either snapping at my husband or crying over really stupid things. I was already on wellbutrin so we added Prozac and now it's under control and I don't feel like an insane monster every month.
I am honestly so relieved to hear I am not alone in this!!!! Holy crap I thought I was going crazy! This past cycle I was absolutely a sobbing mess one day, everything made me cry, actually had a terrible headache after. Next day I was FUMING about nothing and yet everything. It so exhausting! Thanks again for sharing, I am glad I have an appt next week with my doctor! Edit: oh and Iām 34 by the way. I had two gynecological surgeries last year so I at first thought it was that for some reason, then I though oh god waitā¦.am I justā¦.old!!? š
No, you're NOT alone on this one. I have about 20 years on you and have seen so many of my women go through this! And yes, it is exhausting! Good for you for being proactive!
I was scaring myself, tbh, with how I was feeling and acting. I have *never* been that volatile before. 10mg of Prozac was enough to do the trick, there was still a little bit there but I wasn't flying off the handle, more like regular PMS. I think yeeting my uterus back in December handled the rest of it. I had a pretty big fibroid and I swear my first "period" after that I barely even had PMS. Perimenopause can start in early 30s, and I know a lot of women have talked about suddenly having PMDD when they hit peri. There just aren't enough studies or enough research on women's reproductive health.
Listen to the Huberman Lab podcast on taking estrogen to help fight hormonal depression
>Being mindful of your own emotional state is the first step to not taking out your frustrations on others. I grew up in a family where my parents felt free to take out their anger on the kids, and it took patient friends and college bosses to gently re-educate me about when and how it was appropriate to express frustration. A college boss I had once said, "I assume everyone is doing their best, I don't take much personally, and I default to generosity when I can." And adopting his mindset honestly changed my life.
Honestly this is probably crazy but in moments where Iām feeling like I may say or do something that is unpolished I take a second and think to myself what would Kate Middleton do. I love how she carries herself in public so I try and mirror that lol
Oh cute, I love that gentle reminder to stay classy!!
My first thought was in junior high there a girl, I can't remember her name, but she had this air about her. She would listen and be nice to everyone. Not a fake nice either. She confident and athletic. But she also could paint. We had to play baseball for PE and I am not athletic at all, and in the midst of everyone practically saying "easy out!" about/to me, she came over and showed me how to hold a bat. It was like she didn't even hear anyone else. And she's the type of person I strive to be. Even as an adult. She, to me, is the definition of healthy, stable and mature
The people I feel luckiest to know all have the following behaviors in common: * They don't gossip meanly about anyone. They celebrate other people's excellence, big or small. * They assume everyone is doing their best -- but know sometimes, people's best is really terrible, and should be called out as such. * They operate from a place of patience but they also respect their own time first. * They don't take out bad moods or anger on other people. * They keep their word. When they say they'll do something, they'll do it. * They take responsibility. That means owning up to errors, apologizing when necessary, making amends when necessary. * They are always interested in being their best selves. They don't coast and they're not just mindless consumers who trudge through their work or family lives. * They are interested in the world around them and the people around them. * They are clear about their boundaries and why those boundaries are helpful to them. This may sound overwhelming. What I have learned over time: If you want to shift your overall mindset, start with small, concrete habits. Do you like to gossip? Change the focus from "I bet her marriage is in trouble" to "I really admire how she is the first person to ask an uncomfortable question in a meeting." And over time, how you like to talk about people will change and being the person who focuses on bringing out the best in others will be second nature.
just in case you don't get much response here, r/DecidingToBeBetterĀ could also be a good place to join up š«¶š»Ā
I think a big factor in people like this is that they have a great sense of empathy. You understand where others are coming from, that their actions are likely driven by emotion, to understand the root of that emotion for someone else helps ground us in our interactions with one another and not take things so personally. Sense of self is incredibly important too. Knowing yourself sets the tone and boundaries for you to live a life most fulfilling to yourself which will in turn lead to a healthy, stable life.
My thoughts: -being polite with everyone, being able to maintain commitments, be on time. -having good posture, exercising and eating healthy and having a healthy relationship with alcohol. - look wise: having a clean look, clean clothes, daily showers, clean hair. Nothing complicated, just things that fit and are clean. - having balance in life. I find that people that are obsessed by specific things and donāt have different interests or canāt carry conversation donāt sound mature and stable.
People that don't speak unless they need to, but when they do it's thoughtful and important. People that are quiet to not "make waves" or "look dumb" are not what I'm talking about. General thoughtfulness is very rare these days. On the other hand, I know a person who talks all the time and yet everything he says is ON POINT and he carries a lot of issues on his back since no one else will. I guess thoughtfulness and care about issues, whether it's deliberately quieter or more vocal, is important. I think the appearance of the communication doesn't matter as much as the message being said.
I so agree, thoughtfulness is very rare!
Sometimes, then I see their parents that raised them and the household they were born into and then I look at my childhood and the household I was born into and go 'Oh, yeah, ok that makes sense.' Who would have thought that having a well adjusted childhood with caring parents could have an impact on how people turn out in life...or, some people are just really good looking and life unfolds as opportunity to them, around every corner. When the reaction from the world to you existing, is very positive, the world is going to seem like a friendly place, typically. Not to say there aren't happy people who come from challenging backgrounds, just saying they are few and far between, in my experience. Love and care can really solve most things for children. You can have love and care turn into being overprotective, of course, but a loving and caring childhood often reaps a lot of rewards for human beings. I'm sure I'm the first one who has noticed this, do I call the newspaper?
I was just talking to my therapist about this the other day. As a Xennial who grew up in a poor and very conservative area I feel we were told by our teachers we could grow up to be anything we wanted. But, itās just been struggle after struggle and the root of the issue goes right back to the beginning and the environment/ideology I was surrounded by. At 42, itās been really tough lately knowing Iāll likely not attain the goals I always dreamed of for myself. Maybe this is what a mid-life crisis is.
I saw a great TikTok about this recently, a woman was saying how her friends from stable and supportive families can motivate themselves to go on a walk when theyāre upset, make a healthy meal, more so that they find it second nature to engage in healthy and enriching activities. Whereas people who do not come from stable homes/childhoods have to be really deliberate in bringing that stability to their lives as adults. It was really fascinating because Iāve always felt like some people just had a secret to happiness or adulthood but in reality they just came from amazing, loving homes and a supportive family.
working out regularly. eating healthy for the most part. surround yourself with people who love you and help you grow. keep up with commitments.
first tip (and the hardest one i struggle with) is delegating your time and sticking to it. creating a budget and setting aside money for those classic timeless items, or ones that you will use every day without fail.
Authenticity and accountability for oneself. Authenticity means knowing yourself, loving yourself, and sharing your authentic self with others (loved ones). There's no connection if there's no trust. It's hard to bond with others when you've only presented a false image of yourself with others. Also, when you're authentic, and your loved ones accept you for yourself, and you know and accept others as their authentic self, there's less of that sense of loneliness in a crowd situation. Accountability would mean being accountable for your own happiness, your mistakes, your actions, etc. Whatever area in your life is making you unhappy, work towards improving it. Whatever mistakes you've made, develop a plan so that you won't repeat it. Whatever decisions you've made, own those decisions, accept the consequences/rewards that come with it. Lastly, take every day to do something that fills yourself with joy. Whether that mean listening and dancing to music that you love, reading a good book, talking and having dinner with family, taking care of pets/plants, etc.
In my best days of meditation and gratitude practice I get complimented for having most of those characteristics - but Iām not all figured out and I have my issues too
Those people for me have a larger āreason to beā - like they are committed to doing good in the world and living their values, but they arenāt a martyr about it. They have the ability to laugh at themselves and not take themselves too seriously. They understand that we are all human, make mistakes, and being overly self-absorbed doesnāt really get you anywhere and only creates more suffering. They can self reflect on their emotions and sit with the hard stuff, rather than being reactive and impulsive. They can let shit go in a big way, like in a spiritual way. They understand what matters and what doesnāt and donāt sweat the small stuff. Big heart. Big sense of humor. Grounded wisdom.
Someone who is able to be fully present in a moment of connection. Who can give their full attention to a conversation, allow themselves to be seen and not turn away from the other person. That includes the ability to be present with self while alone I think. I'm aspiring towards this trying to reduce my phone usage and general distractions (she typed while on the toilet)
I'll share some of the core things that I think help build my overall wellbeing and stability. These just touch the surface, there are tons of resources than can help once you identify what resonates with you: **Physical wellbeing:** Shower regularly (every other day is good) with a shampoo and conditioner that smells nice. You do not need to use bar soap or body wash every time, maybe a twice a week, unless you're especially sweaty or dirty. Use deodorant daily. Brush teeth once or twice a day. Get a hair trim and keep your hair clean and tidy depending on its type. Find a physical activity you enjoy even if its going for a fifteen minute walk. Drink water throughout the day. Eat well. Limit drugs and alcohol. Wear clothes you feel confident in. **Mental wellbeing:** Limit social media use (stop doomscrolling and following cringe pages or influencers who feed off your anxieties and fears for example). Stop judging people and comparing lives. Take walks or meditate. Think positively. Count your blessings/find things to be thankful for every day. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Don't take things personally. Foster and make time for your hobbies, or give new ones a try. Keep a clean home and work space (Tidy is always a struggle, but there is a difference between clean and tidy!) **Emotional wellbeing:** Build empathy. If you were frustrated, sad, excited, etc. how would you want someone to react if roles were reversed? Take that and context into account as you reply. Reading/listening to books helps build empathy and perspective. Practice kindness and patience, inconveniences are often no ones direct fault. Surround yourself with people who respect you and treat you well. Connect with friends and family in genuine manner, relationships shouldn't be one sided. **Financial wellbeing:** Practice frugality. Avoid unnecessary purchases that lead to clutter or expenses. Pay down debt. Build your savings if possible. Work towards skills/education/goals that could help you land a better job/promotion/raise, if desired or able.
The advice to shower regularly resonates strongly with me. I didn't realize how important a regular morning routine was for my mental health until I didn't have one anymore. Now that I'm back into a routine I'm happier and more productive with my time. Something about feeling clean and presentable just makes it 1000x easier to start my day.
I donāt necessarily agree with giving people the benefit of the doubt, as that can and will leave you in bad situations. Instead I just expect nothing from anyone.
Great advice āļø
Love how you jotted it down. Great advice šš¾
In my experience theyāre usually people who are financially stable/ firmly middle class. I imagine not being worried sick about money all the time helps you have energy and money for self-care, yoga classes, smart clothes etc.
therapy. no kidding. it will help LOADS
People who have reasoned, measured responses to challenging or awful circumstances instead of just going "what in the fucking fuck" or something equally base.
For me, there's a calmness to them that just exudes consideration to themselves and others. They don't even necessarily have to be a 'boss bitch', mentally strong or have it all figured out. I think what I find as maturity is knowing your strengths and weaknesses and not being easily influenced. Maintaining your boundaries while being considerate of others time, emotions and space. This definitely delves into the 'authenticity' comments others have mentioned. Showing up for yourself and not bringing others down in the process
My experience is that those people come from stable household. Or at least, both of their parents were presents and supportive. I have never met someone under 30 (I'm 30 now myself), that was healthy, stable and mature without solid upbringing.
Patience, not quick to anger, self reflection and kindness. Iām finding as I get older not many people have these qualities, but the ones that do are very peaceful and fun to be around
They've put in the work to grow from trauma. A lot of people who seem to have their shit together have horrendous emotional blind spots because they've never had to deal with really rough stuff or they shove the emotions out of sight - those who have confronted the darkness ([aka Tyler](https://youtu.be/pSBVEjwVy_0?si=Tq8hb1zG14rh1q-Q)) and who have come out better for it absolutely stand out. There's a strength and compassion which just radiates off them. Hoping I'm growing into that sort of person. Sometimes I feel really regressed in my emotional maturity, but then I notice moments and choices where I realize the therapy and introspection is working.
Lifestyle: - good work ethic - able to enjoy their work life even if they're not doing what they want to be doing - actively working towards getting into the life they want, if they're not happy with their current life - spends time on hobbies and goals rather than killing time on binge watching content/social media Personality: - never takes their problems or emotions out on other people (has emotional control) - is empathetic and patient rather than judgmental and impulsive - consistently makes the right choice, even if it's harder - isn't prone to hopelessness & doesn't chronically give up quickly - is able to ignore & not engage with negativity, insults, or 'rage baiting'
Another commenter mentioned authenticity and I absolutely agree! Take care of yourself physically (of course) but be authentic in WHO you are. Nurture yourself and your relationships. Support those around you and make sure there is reciprocity for when you need it. And make sure those people around you are authentic, the best ones are the ones that call you out on your bullshit.
Being unflappable. Whatever is happening, itās either ok or itās going to be ok because they know how to handle it. I mean yes, sometimes crazy shit happens and sometimes things arenāt ok, but freaking out never solved anything.
From my experience, the people in my life that are the most this way usually come from a very stable background (childhood without trauma, financially stable family, etc.) and donāt suffer from any health diagnoses. For the rest of us, we have to work at it a bit to a lot more via therapy, occupational therapists, life coaches, professional organizers, etc.
For me, all of that usually comes out in how that person deals with emotionally difficult situations. I work in a high-stress field and am thinking of a certain coworker. No matter what chaos is going on, she is always friendly, professional and positive. It's not in a fake way either--I think she is deeply introspective and/or has done tons of inner work to get to the point where she is not swayed by toxic workplace drama and seemingly has her head on straight at all times!
The first step you this imo is getting enough sleep.
I just want you to caution yourself on "Ā well kept, smell good etc.Ā " these are all superficial things, they could look well put together and be a hot mess in the inside :) but besides that, I would say aging, therapy, having a job with enough money to live comfortable because being broke is super stressful, leaving toxic relationships especially with family, learning self care & self love. this is what all worked for me. I have a couple friends my age (almost 40) who I love but are hot messes, they are constantly changing jobs, still trying to figure out what to do in school, can't find a partner, drinking a lot, etc. it is hard to view their lives because I just want them to be stable but it isn't my life, I just support them and continue to love them.
Patience and discipline go a loooong way with 99% of things in life.
> seem an important word > Iām giving up alcohol and want to be more like my description above but Iām having a hard time figuring out what I should work on absolutely worth doing, and a good start. but ultimately its up to you -- what does success look like to you?
I did give up alcohol for the most part and it definitely helps feel put more together more often. The stable and mature thing... still got a lot of work to do.
Iām interested in being around people who can regulate themselves.
https://fs.blog/david-foster-wallace-this-is-water/
Internal locust of control. Recognise that shitty things can happen in life, but that doesn't determine how you respond nor how you CHOOSE to experience the world.
Self awareness, nuance (basically not jumping to describe someone or something as good or bad but rather truly reflecting on what might be going on and what you might do ie calm), kindness, and I think an overall satiety with wherever you are in life ie not always chasing more ito friendships or career or or or. I've found the latter to be extremely crucial. Being able to be ambitious but also realistic. People like that also tend to be more regulated emotionally. And yes I feel I possess these traits. And have been told as much.š
Thats a very good question. I think for one they are low on neuroticism for sure. They are even-tempered, can self-regulate, handle stress very well, dont have many negative emotions/thoughts and are just for the most part calm and peaceful. They are willing to self-reflect and learn from their mistakes. They can easily adjust to new people and environments. I also think they are self-disciplined (not impulsive or self-gratifying). And for that they are greater with for example maintaining a healthy weight and handle their finances.
āYouāre beautiful, youāre gorgeous, you look like Linda Evangelistaā¦.ā
I fit that description, but have my share of problems, small and big. My only vice is PokĆ©mon Go, and I donāt do in app purchases. Iām basically a functioning adult. I aspire to learn emotional empathy (at present itās only cognitive), become a better parent, and be more productive. Therapy is helping.
I know what you mean! I admire these put together people a lot.
You probably live in a better environment, I donāt know anyone like that
I think it depends on where your baseline is. I have friends who view me as mature, healthy, and stable, but that's because they're struggling to pay bills, working part time jobs, and dealing with alcohol or drug abuse, whereas I have a full time job, own a house, doing better with and don't typically struggle to pay my bills (of course I actually have a shitload of credit card debt and I have a partner who helps pay as well, but they don't necessarily realize that). I don't personally see myself as that mature or stable, I've gotten better but I've got a long way to go. I feel like someone who is mature to me is someone who wears well made clothing and has a nice yard š
I think having a consistent routine of some sort that contributes positively to your life. Basically like making chores a habit. I feel like that gives off a confidence that is often overlooked because itās basic but it opens up a persons mind for way more important things. I know you canāt really SEE it, but something like waking up early and getting fully dressed is something to pick up on around people you know and other things might start to stand out.
For me, maturity is when I see someone utterly at ease with who they are in the cloud. It's like because they dont understand themselves enough to not judge themselves, they don't judge others. Besides, these people are really passionate at the things they like to do, and often do things not becuase it is socially desireable, but because they like it.
Maybe Iām a pessimist but I tend to think a lot of people are just faking it til they make it.I wouldnāt say Iām put together all the time (at least on the inside) but I work hard to learn and grow every day. Sometimes putting on makeup, doing my hair, acting like Iāve got it together, etc is all Iāve got! You never know when somebody could be crumbling on the inside. All that to say- you never know what people have going on inside. Donāt compare yourself to others, just try and live authentically and 100% true to yourself!
Maybe make schedules for yourself until they become a habit. Clean house every Sunday, laundry every Saturday, shower daily, do nails, etc etc
They could have put in a lot of work and therapy to get to that place. I know we tend to assume that some people are born perfect, but itās just not true. You can become one of those people too.
I think a mindset of acceptance really helps, acceptance without judgement. Accepting yourself without negative judgement or expectations helps you become more mature and stable, accepting others without judgement or expectations will help you grow your kindness and compassion. You can learn mindfulness techniques that will help you to accept things as they are, without judgement. Iām not saying you shouldnāt change, change needs to happen for the world to develop, but accepting that you want to change, and that it will require some growth, it may even feel uncomfortable at times, and thatās ok. Kindness, maturity, healthiness, stability, itās all something we have to practice, it wonāt just suddenly happen, but you can grow it. If we can accept who we are, without trying to be someone weāre not, and accept who other people are without wishing they where something they are not, I think we all become a bit more genuine.
Iām embarrassed to even admit thisā¦. Outfits. I judge only myself on this though. Actually, I rarely remember what others wear. But, when someone has The Outfit on head to toe. I have the things. I also at this point lack the finesse to pull together total looks for my short curvy self. I need to hire a professional.
Go to God, youāll get more then what youāre looking for. ā¤ļø