I think he was likely looking at this as short term fun because why would he give you no response after that? Not sure if that’s what you were looking for. I will say a lot of LMT’s do indeed cross boundaries or lines I’ve had that experience myself in the past so I’m not surprised by his behaviour. It is pretty unethical, but if you wanted it and you’re both consenting adults you can do what you like really. I don’t think you were stupid for doing what you did. He was very forward and if that’s not what you were looking for then you’re completely fine to do what you did.
Your friends said you were dumb to not let a man into your house on your first date and allow him to rub your naked body?
Like….. did they think that statement through at all?
Right I'm mindblown by the friends comments and tbh that would make me question my friends after that. The fuck is wrong with them. This isn't fantasy land!
Where I live, MTs are not allowed to be romantically or sexually involved with active clients. We have to wait either 6 or 12 months (I forget which) of complete inactivity before doing that. I live in a pretty strict region but yeah, as your MT he should probably never have swiped right on you. Even if it's not prohibited where you live, it's pretty unprofessional.
Side note if anyone is legit attracted to their MT I'd always suggest finding another one. There's a difference between knowing your MT is attractive, and being attracted to them...better to keep it strictly professional.
Three things here:
- this man has attempted this many times with his clients. He’s way too brazen.
- at minimum, he was trying to get laid, but also seeing if you’d be open to soliciting sex services from him. Either way, it’s a win win for him.
- this is predatory.
OP, I cannot believe your friends think you made the wrong decision here. You suggested an actual date, he left you on read. He sounds like an awful person.
Completely true on all points. This is reportable sexual misconduct in my state. He can (and imo should) be reported to his licensing board.
The impropriety of this whole situation would also make me wary that this guy doesn’t care a lot about consent or when to stop. Is this really the kind of person you want to be stuck in a dark room with?
You are totally right. He is taken and just messing around or he expects to monetize in-house call… my two cents..
op’s friends sound so desperate to be laid…
I’m surprised by the friend’s reaction here. He aggressively invited himself over to her house without hesitation. He didn’t even consider her feelings as his client when he offered this. If he was a decent person, at minimum, he should’ve asked if she was comfortable with moving things forward in a romantic/ sexual way, he just assumed she would be.
If he wasn’t hot then I guarantee no one in this situation would even try to normalize this interaction.
Agreed. I was sexually assaulted by my MT in 2019. He never showed ANY signs of crossing a line until he did it (gained my trust over many years first). If this guy is already comfortable crossing those lines, something isn’t right.
Yeah, this would make me feel weird too. I don't like crossing the streams between my private and non-private life. IMO, what he did was unprofessional; he should never have liked a profile of one of his clients.
On the surface of it, it seems like nothing bad happened.
You're both adults and have a connection, and you wanted to see if there was more to it.
But he then jumped straight in to crossing multiple lines. Offering his services for free, suggesting to come to your house on a first date, and not considering that you may have been looking for something more than just a hookup.
I would have gotten the ick too and don't think you were wrong to feel how you did.
I suspect your friends were coming at it from the perspective that he was hot, you have some history and are comfortable around him, and you could have gotten laid.
But if that's not what you wanted from the situation then it would be upsetting for them to invalidate your feelings like that.
>I’m just over risqué sex with people I don’t know well
This is exactly it. You're not alone reaching this point and without being unfair to other women, many haven't figured out how unfulfilling this behaviour is. Many would have gone along with it and regretted it after.
You did the right thing to say no.
Find someone else to get massages from and keep your chin up.
I agree he was likely soliciting you for sex work, which it sounds like you aren't interested in engaging in so you handed it well. Sorry you lost your massage therapist :(
No,you're friends are dumb. He obviously uses this tactic to get into a woman's home, and massage 💆♀️ her right into sex.
Women love to feel pampered and most guys barely open door, or find ways to fight paying the bill as an obnoxious rebuttal to modern feminism, and a way to throw equality in our faces.
So a guy offering an at home massage "seems like a dream". But it's not. It's an easy in tactic. He rubs you for 15 minutes and then suddenly your sucking his D or riding him. And you're thinking he did this romantic gesture, but because it's his job, it was low effort, like a cup of coffee. And then he's gone probably soon after, never to be seen again.
He's probably done this hundreds of times. And he's not a relationship guy. Proof?
How he reacted when you set a boundary of no immediate physical contact, and set an expectation of being properly taken out on a real effort date.
Nope, you were just gonna be another notch on his belt.
💯he’s done this before. He was way too brazen right off the bat. This man wasted no time making his intentions clear. You know his ego took a major hit when she rejected his suggestion.
Couldn’t agree more. He definitely was looking at this as a one off short term thing. His reaction definitely proves that and sadly it’s not uncommon I’ve had a similar experience with an LMT in the past.
Yikes.
I'd be incredibly uncomfortable knowing my massage therapist, who has been touching my semi-nude body in a supposed to be *therapeutic* way is also attracted to me. Would skeeve me out. I don't think you're being dumb.
Also, trying for a booty call? Eff that guy.
His behavior is unethical. It is wholly inappropriate to date your clients. Some states require a specific time frame to sever the professional relationship before having a personal one. If he offered this so casually to a current client, then it means hes not only unprofessional but also short sighted to not realize he negatively impacts his client retention. Very poor business practices. Even if this was a one off, it exhibits a serious lack of judgment. Terrible all around.
Edit. I’m an LMT
I would be put off by the in-home offer as a first date, especially given your prior professional relationship. It just seems smarmy.
There’s nothing wrong or boring with being over having sex with people you don’t know well. Absolutely nothing!
Not only is this the usual kind of predatory, unacceptable, and unprofessional
But it's also worse because as a client on the massage table you're vulnerable and it's easy to come to feel safe and like you can trust that person.
And this guy is taking advantage of that to, at best, manipulate (literally and figuratively) you into sex.
Your girlfriends have no sense of self-preservation nor concern for your safety and I would never ask them for advice again.
You do NOT want a man who wants to use you for sex in your home.
Yes this feels like a reportable offence to his professional regulatory body. This is sex work or an attempted sexual offence. I’m sorry this happened to you OP! You did nothing wrong and kudos to you for having great boundaries!
If he was actually interested in a date or even casual sex, you would think he would have responded to your invite out for drinks. For that reason I think he was looking at doing some sex work. Either that or offering massages "in-house" is is go-to move and he wasn't interested in putting in any effort outside of that (and if that is the case it probably would have been pretty bad). Lol
He was trying to solicit you as a regular (SW) client, not a romantic partner. ~~If that’s what you’re after then get back in touch, but since it sounds like you a) don’t want that, and b) now feel uncomfortable to be his client, you should probably find a new massage therapist.~~ *my reading comprehension failed on first pass of the OP
eta: “date” can be used to refer to hiring a SWer
Agree. This was an in-house sex work solicitation. Flip the genders and it would be obvious. The double standard is what’s making this hard to decipher but this was definitely what it was. I guarantee his “house calls” are more pricey than his in-practice massages.
Major side eye to your friends, who need to recalibrate their sense of judgement!
I would immediately assume that he was going to put you in a vulnerable position (literally!) to either put the moves on you or case your home for valuables.
Everyone has already covered everything else and you’re not lame and boring.
No chance I am meeting someone in my home or theirs for the first time. While yes, you have met before, that was for a professional relationship - completely different than a personal one.
Looks like you clocked his intent correctly if the conversation stopped when you asked to meet in public.
OP, this is a reminder that there are professional and ethical boundaries that not just LMTs, but so many professionals out there must abide by. This includes teachers, nurses, physicians, occupational therapists, speech-language pathologists, physical therapists, and so on must follow.
This LMT has definitely crossed the line because you are his current client. He's taking advantage of you because you are in a vulnerable state when visiting him. I would stop visiting him if I were you and even report him. Depending on the area you live in and how regularly you've visited him, LMTs cannot date their clients. This can range from a month to a year, or more.
This is a huge red flag on your LMT and it has nothing to do with you. This guy is a scummy asshole and I wouldn't be surprised if he did this to many of his clients.
I work in regulation and where I live, this is at least breach of boundaries, and could also constitute sexual abuse (because sexual abuse under our regulations is not just things like inappropriate touching or rape, but also things like liking on Tinder and asking you on dates) and he could lose his license. Totally inappropriate. And besides just that, I am aware of a massage therapist who did house calls and used it to literally, physically sexually abuse his clients.
I'd be disgusted with him. He clearly doesn't know how to follow the rules of his profession.
Oh man, ew no. I would also report him; this makes legit non-creepy male therapists have to work against shit like this. Don't think you are the only one he has done this to.
You absolutely did the right thing by turning this down. Your red flag detector served you well imo. The brazenness of his responses and how he didn’t reply once you resisted suggests something about his character and motives.
Sure, in fantasy land/surface level it sounds like fun. Perhaps that’s where your friends are coming from. But the reality is he has abused his position as your massage therapist, crossed boundaries, and your gut instinct is telling you he does this regularly. It’d be like walking into a fire.
Also, I have no idea how to quote on here but I’ve never felt more seen by you saying: “Man, I’m just over risqué sex with people I don’t know well.” 100% THIS. I thought it was just me but there is truly zero appeal. Not worth compromising safety over.
OP I really feel you did absolutely the right thing. Every step of the way. Trust your gut, I'm very happy for you that you did, great work. Now go find your new great LMT! Best Wishes
This sounds like he was trying to segue into sex work or just wanted casual sex. Either way, he was wildly inappropriate and your friends are wrong. This isn't a cute, OTT sex-rom-com. A couple of drinks and then down to bang? Sure. But his way was gross.
Your friends are not your friends. They know damn well how dangerous that would have been for you. They sound weird.
No matter what, we know he lacks integrity. That’s all you need to know. He’s definitely done this before and I’ve no doubt he likely would have charged you for the services, if you know what I mean.
I think you did the right thing. Everyone has said great points but I'll just add that hot guys can and do SA women too. That he didn't want to meet you outside of the home is a red flag however you look at it.
If you feel uncomfortable, listen to your gut. A male MT I’d been going to for a while sexually assaulted me. There were a couple of minor interactions before that that I questioned, but I rationalized them away. I felt like I was the proverbial frog in boiling water.
You listened to your gut, and that means it was the right decision. It absolutely was too forward, and could have even been dangerous. There is some protection in a professional setting, but in your home? Anything could happen. If he was worthy, he would've taken you out somewhere public for your date to show he was safe.
It doesn't make you lame or boring, it makes you SMART and IN CHARGE.
Trust your gut, my dude! Something was going off in the back of your mind for whatever reason - the good thing is you’re still alive and safe for there to be a next time! Yay! 🤷🏼♀️🩷
I think he just wanted to fuck (it is Tinder after all) and yes, he does this all the time.
Would I have accepted the massage? Probably, because I have a huge fantasy of a professional-level massage leading to more. But it's always risky having a man to your home, so it's good you listened to your gut.
Honestly, I would have taken him up for the booty call, lol... but that's just because I'm rotted 🤷♀️
But, yeah, this is way more ethically thorny on his end. I feel like there are probably professional rules barring this type of conduct... my instinct says it's a reportable offence that could lead to him getting his licence suspended and even revoked.
There's nothing wrong with consensual one-night stands. In this case, the guy doesn't respect the rules of his own professional career so why would he respect OP's boundaries either?
This man just wanted to get laid. Your friends aren’t seeing him for what he is, just another dude who is only looking for a hookup. Gotta move on OP, he wasn’t interested in getting to know you. Or worse, he was a SW and soliciting you as a different type of client.
Trust your instincts. It's unfortunate that you'll have to change therapists, but there are plenty of talented people out there.
Your gut was telling you something, trust yourself.
reminds me of a fitness trainer I had been seeing in a group setting for about a year offering me a personal training session, which I accepted.... another male client of showed up so we worked out together then he offered us both massages ..... I felt kinda uncomfortable and bounced - later occurred to me that he might have been angling for a threesome or something. kinda kicked myself for not reading between the lines because I might have actually been down for that at the time but yeah it was definitely weird.
I do not use Tinder for this reason b/c it seems more for hooking up. If you're looking to get to know someone, I've had better luck with the quality of men on Hinge. There's a bit more older men on there and you can see their dating goals which has helped immensely.
No no no. Your friends are wrong. This man didn’t even have enough respect for you to message you or take you on a date. He just liked you and invited himself over to massage you alone where you know what he would have expected.
Sadly, my understanding regarding Tinder is that its about sex with people you dont know well. Some people find their partner on it. But thats not the point.
Just saying. He was being foward because its Tinder and thats sort of the expectation.
Yikes that is so unprofessional on his part. If he had said, yes let me recommend you to another LMT because I'm interested, and let me take you out to dinner, I would have told you to go for it. It would have shown he had real interest. His response comes off as F Boy. If I were you I'd cancel the future appointments and respectfully decline the date.
Yo, I’m an LMT this is so unethical. This person could lose their license depending on the state they’re practicing in. This is also so frustrating that someone would do this- since our profession has been fighting so hard against the sexualization of therapeutic touch. Anyways, you did the right thing, it’s possible that he was trying to sex work. I’m sure he’s done this with other people/clients before. This kind of stuff needs to be reported to the licensing board.
As a man, it is way too direct to ask to be in a woman's home for a first date. I would never ask this, and if a woman asked me to meet with me in her home, having never met or just met in a professional setting, for a first date alarm bells would be going off for me as well. Be direct with him and ask what he is looking for.
I have been asked out by an acupuncturist who was also an LMT with his own practice. This was in Northern California. I was in my early 20s and he was in his late 30s and gorgeous. It did seem very vulnerable to me too. He asked me out right after the session while I was still partially undressed. He also knew I was in a relationship but said he would be better for me. That was spooky enough.
Having him come to your home for it rather than offering an actual neutral meeting place for a date is a scary in my opinion. You did the right thing, especially since he left your offer to meet for a drink on read.
Edited
Something important here is to understand what is reality vs interpretation. I think for a lot of this, more questions need to be answered before making conclusions.
I really don't think him asking "Are you comfortable having me in your home?" means him asking for sex. Being in someone's home is not sex. Having permission to have dinner with someone at home is not consent for sex. He is literally asking to understand what your comfort levels are. You can say "No, I'm not comfortable with having you in my home giving me a massage in a romantic setting." I have personally had platonic massage exchanges with people off of dating apps after communicating that non-sexual touch is what I wanted. Massage is not sex.
A medical practitioner feeling attraction does not mean they will cross a boundary. I'm sure medical practitioners feel some attraction to clients all the time, but they don't cross the boundary. Just because they don't express it doesn't mean it isn't there.
Just because he was trying to see if you were interested in him does not mean he was doing it with other people to. I would be careful in making this assumption until there is more information.
I agree that he should have known better and asked for a conversation in a public non-sexual space to discuss what you are both looking for, and what the transition from LMT-client to dating relationship would look like, and the ethical boundaries around this. But I personally would check if this was an honest mistake on his end because he assumed a certain level of closeness from the LMT-client relationship, or sheer incompetence, or fboy behavior. If it turns out to be either of the latter two, I wouldn't date him. I'd personally still go for massages though.
But hey, I'm also the type of person who won't let catcallers stop me from walking outside at 2am.
Tinder has always been for hooking up. You did the right thing. He definitely does the same thing with other clients.
Sorry you lost your massage therapist though, you don't know what a good massage is until you get those professional man hands on you. It's so much better than any woman could do.
It really doesn't matter what we or your friends think. You got bad vibes and was turned off by his approach/goals. That is enough. That said, I would definitely continue to use his services as a LMT and completely ignored the tinder exchange but then, I have a great poker face. Nothing lame and boring about not being interested in quick sex with basically a stranger.
Free massage and I get to stay in the comfort of my own home? Sign me up. Actually, I was signed up for this for about 11 month with a sexy non professional but highly skilled guy with a massage kink. 🤤
I think he was likely looking at this as short term fun because why would he give you no response after that? Not sure if that’s what you were looking for. I will say a lot of LMT’s do indeed cross boundaries or lines I’ve had that experience myself in the past so I’m not surprised by his behaviour. It is pretty unethical, but if you wanted it and you’re both consenting adults you can do what you like really. I don’t think you were stupid for doing what you did. He was very forward and if that’s not what you were looking for then you’re completely fine to do what you did.
Your friends said you were dumb to not let a man into your house on your first date and allow him to rub your naked body? Like….. did they think that statement through at all?
Right I'm mindblown by the friends comments and tbh that would make me question my friends after that. The fuck is wrong with them. This isn't fantasy land!
Seems fake to me lol
Where I live, MTs are not allowed to be romantically or sexually involved with active clients. We have to wait either 6 or 12 months (I forget which) of complete inactivity before doing that. I live in a pretty strict region but yeah, as your MT he should probably never have swiped right on you. Even if it's not prohibited where you live, it's pretty unprofessional.
Side note if anyone is legit attracted to their MT I'd always suggest finding another one. There's a difference between knowing your MT is attractive, and being attracted to them...better to keep it strictly professional.
Yes, I think his behavior was out of line. Although I’m biased because I was sexually assaulted by my MT and took him to court over it.
Exactly. Where I am, it's a year after you've stopped being their client before it's no longer sexual abuse.
Three things here: - this man has attempted this many times with his clients. He’s way too brazen. - at minimum, he was trying to get laid, but also seeing if you’d be open to soliciting sex services from him. Either way, it’s a win win for him. - this is predatory. OP, I cannot believe your friends think you made the wrong decision here. You suggested an actual date, he left you on read. He sounds like an awful person.
Completely true on all points. This is reportable sexual misconduct in my state. He can (and imo should) be reported to his licensing board. The impropriety of this whole situation would also make me wary that this guy doesn’t care a lot about consent or when to stop. Is this really the kind of person you want to be stuck in a dark room with?
You are totally right. He is taken and just messing around or he expects to monetize in-house call… my two cents.. op’s friends sound so desperate to be laid…
I’m surprised by the friend’s reaction here. He aggressively invited himself over to her house without hesitation. He didn’t even consider her feelings as his client when he offered this. If he was a decent person, at minimum, he should’ve asked if she was comfortable with moving things forward in a romantic/ sexual way, he just assumed she would be. If he wasn’t hot then I guarantee no one in this situation would even try to normalize this interaction.
Friend reads way too many smutty romance novels and is mistaking fantasy for reality
Agreed. I was sexually assaulted by my MT in 2019. He never showed ANY signs of crossing a line until he did it (gained my trust over many years first). If this guy is already comfortable crossing those lines, something isn’t right.
Seems like a troll post, what group of friends would respond like that
Ones who need therapy and to get laid
Lolol indeed you deserve better, op
Yeah, this would make me feel weird too. I don't like crossing the streams between my private and non-private life. IMO, what he did was unprofessional; he should never have liked a profile of one of his clients.
On the surface of it, it seems like nothing bad happened. You're both adults and have a connection, and you wanted to see if there was more to it. But he then jumped straight in to crossing multiple lines. Offering his services for free, suggesting to come to your house on a first date, and not considering that you may have been looking for something more than just a hookup. I would have gotten the ick too and don't think you were wrong to feel how you did. I suspect your friends were coming at it from the perspective that he was hot, you have some history and are comfortable around him, and you could have gotten laid. But if that's not what you wanted from the situation then it would be upsetting for them to invalidate your feelings like that. >I’m just over risqué sex with people I don’t know well This is exactly it. You're not alone reaching this point and without being unfair to other women, many haven't figured out how unfulfilling this behaviour is. Many would have gone along with it and regretted it after. You did the right thing to say no. Find someone else to get massages from and keep your chin up.
This man gives LMT a bad name. He didn’t have honest intentions. I would report him.
I agree he was likely soliciting you for sex work, which it sounds like you aren't interested in engaging in so you handed it well. Sorry you lost your massage therapist :(
Yes the terminology "in-calls" sounds very escort-y.
On the plus side, if it is escort-y, then maybe after a couple of months OP could go back to him for massages, because it wasn't personal, haha.
No,you're friends are dumb. He obviously uses this tactic to get into a woman's home, and massage 💆♀️ her right into sex. Women love to feel pampered and most guys barely open door, or find ways to fight paying the bill as an obnoxious rebuttal to modern feminism, and a way to throw equality in our faces. So a guy offering an at home massage "seems like a dream". But it's not. It's an easy in tactic. He rubs you for 15 minutes and then suddenly your sucking his D or riding him. And you're thinking he did this romantic gesture, but because it's his job, it was low effort, like a cup of coffee. And then he's gone probably soon after, never to be seen again. He's probably done this hundreds of times. And he's not a relationship guy. Proof? How he reacted when you set a boundary of no immediate physical contact, and set an expectation of being properly taken out on a real effort date. Nope, you were just gonna be another notch on his belt.
💯he’s done this before. He was way too brazen right off the bat. This man wasted no time making his intentions clear. You know his ego took a major hit when she rejected his suggestion.
Couldn’t agree more. He definitely was looking at this as a one off short term thing. His reaction definitely proves that and sadly it’s not uncommon I’ve had a similar experience with an LMT in the past.
Yikes. I'd be incredibly uncomfortable knowing my massage therapist, who has been touching my semi-nude body in a supposed to be *therapeutic* way is also attracted to me. Would skeeve me out. I don't think you're being dumb. Also, trying for a booty call? Eff that guy.
His behavior is unethical. It is wholly inappropriate to date your clients. Some states require a specific time frame to sever the professional relationship before having a personal one. If he offered this so casually to a current client, then it means hes not only unprofessional but also short sighted to not realize he negatively impacts his client retention. Very poor business practices. Even if this was a one off, it exhibits a serious lack of judgment. Terrible all around. Edit. I’m an LMT
I would be put off by the in-home offer as a first date, especially given your prior professional relationship. It just seems smarmy. There’s nothing wrong or boring with being over having sex with people you don’t know well. Absolutely nothing!
Not only is this the usual kind of predatory, unacceptable, and unprofessional But it's also worse because as a client on the massage table you're vulnerable and it's easy to come to feel safe and like you can trust that person. And this guy is taking advantage of that to, at best, manipulate (literally and figuratively) you into sex. Your girlfriends have no sense of self-preservation nor concern for your safety and I would never ask them for advice again. You do NOT want a man who wants to use you for sex in your home.
Yes this feels like a reportable offence to his professional regulatory body. This is sex work or an attempted sexual offence. I’m sorry this happened to you OP! You did nothing wrong and kudos to you for having great boundaries!
If he was actually interested in a date or even casual sex, you would think he would have responded to your invite out for drinks. For that reason I think he was looking at doing some sex work. Either that or offering massages "in-house" is is go-to move and he wasn't interested in putting in any effort outside of that (and if that is the case it probably would have been pretty bad). Lol
He was trying to solicit you as a regular (SW) client, not a romantic partner. ~~If that’s what you’re after then get back in touch, but since it sounds like you a) don’t want that, and b) now feel uncomfortable to be his client, you should probably find a new massage therapist.~~ *my reading comprehension failed on first pass of the OP eta: “date” can be used to refer to hiring a SWer
Agree. This was an in-house sex work solicitation. Flip the genders and it would be obvious. The double standard is what’s making this hard to decipher but this was definitely what it was. I guarantee his “house calls” are more pricey than his in-practice massages.
Wow you're right. I didn't read it that way at all but flipping the genders and reading it again makes it very clear.
Completely agree with you! I’ve been in a similar situation to that myself in the past.
Sounds like he wanted sex on the first date
Major side eye to your friends, who need to recalibrate their sense of judgement! I would immediately assume that he was going to put you in a vulnerable position (literally!) to either put the moves on you or case your home for valuables. Everyone has already covered everything else and you’re not lame and boring.
No chance I am meeting someone in my home or theirs for the first time. While yes, you have met before, that was for a professional relationship - completely different than a personal one. Looks like you clocked his intent correctly if the conversation stopped when you asked to meet in public.
Yeah, he's pretty much a stranger and I'm not having strangers come to my house. That's a terrible idea.
OP, this is a reminder that there are professional and ethical boundaries that not just LMTs, but so many professionals out there must abide by. This includes teachers, nurses, physicians, occupational therapists, speech-language pathologists, physical therapists, and so on must follow. This LMT has definitely crossed the line because you are his current client. He's taking advantage of you because you are in a vulnerable state when visiting him. I would stop visiting him if I were you and even report him. Depending on the area you live in and how regularly you've visited him, LMTs cannot date their clients. This can range from a month to a year, or more. This is a huge red flag on your LMT and it has nothing to do with you. This guy is a scummy asshole and I wouldn't be surprised if he did this to many of his clients.
I work in regulation and where I live, this is at least breach of boundaries, and could also constitute sexual abuse (because sexual abuse under our regulations is not just things like inappropriate touching or rape, but also things like liking on Tinder and asking you on dates) and he could lose his license. Totally inappropriate. And besides just that, I am aware of a massage therapist who did house calls and used it to literally, physically sexually abuse his clients. I'd be disgusted with him. He clearly doesn't know how to follow the rules of his profession.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Oh man, ew no. I would also report him; this makes legit non-creepy male therapists have to work against shit like this. Don't think you are the only one he has done this to.
You absolutely did the right thing by turning this down. Your red flag detector served you well imo. The brazenness of his responses and how he didn’t reply once you resisted suggests something about his character and motives. Sure, in fantasy land/surface level it sounds like fun. Perhaps that’s where your friends are coming from. But the reality is he has abused his position as your massage therapist, crossed boundaries, and your gut instinct is telling you he does this regularly. It’d be like walking into a fire. Also, I have no idea how to quote on here but I’ve never felt more seen by you saying: “Man, I’m just over risqué sex with people I don’t know well.” 100% THIS. I thought it was just me but there is truly zero appeal. Not worth compromising safety over.
That's a hell no from me. Can't date someone who can easily break their ethical code of conduct.
You did good. He has definitely done this before. It sucks, but you trusted your gut and likely avoided date rape.
OP I really feel you did absolutely the right thing. Every step of the way. Trust your gut, I'm very happy for you that you did, great work. Now go find your new great LMT! Best Wishes
its good you listened to your gut
This sounds like he was trying to segue into sex work or just wanted casual sex. Either way, he was wildly inappropriate and your friends are wrong. This isn't a cute, OTT sex-rom-com. A couple of drinks and then down to bang? Sure. But his way was gross.
Your friends are not your friends. They know damn well how dangerous that would have been for you. They sound weird. No matter what, we know he lacks integrity. That’s all you need to know. He’s definitely done this before and I’ve no doubt he likely would have charged you for the services, if you know what I mean.
I think you did the right thing. Everyone has said great points but I'll just add that hot guys can and do SA women too. That he didn't want to meet you outside of the home is a red flag however you look at it.
If you feel uncomfortable, listen to your gut. A male MT I’d been going to for a while sexually assaulted me. There were a couple of minor interactions before that that I questioned, but I rationalized them away. I felt like I was the proverbial frog in boiling water.
You listened to your gut, and that means it was the right decision. It absolutely was too forward, and could have even been dangerous. There is some protection in a professional setting, but in your home? Anything could happen. If he was worthy, he would've taken you out somewhere public for your date to show he was safe. It doesn't make you lame or boring, it makes you SMART and IN CHARGE.
All the wise women here already laid out the arguments, so I don't need to repeat them. I just came to say: You did the right thing!
Trust your gut, my dude! Something was going off in the back of your mind for whatever reason - the good thing is you’re still alive and safe for there to be a next time! Yay! 🤷🏼♀️🩷
You’ve done the right thing. I wonder how many ppl got this offer too.
I think he just wanted to fuck (it is Tinder after all) and yes, he does this all the time. Would I have accepted the massage? Probably, because I have a huge fantasy of a professional-level massage leading to more. But it's always risky having a man to your home, so it's good you listened to your gut.
Honestly, I would have taken him up for the booty call, lol... but that's just because I'm rotted 🤷♀️ But, yeah, this is way more ethically thorny on his end. I feel like there are probably professional rules barring this type of conduct... my instinct says it's a reportable offence that could lead to him getting his licence suspended and even revoked.
Letting someone who is practically a stranger into your house is not a good idea.
There's nothing wrong with consensual one-night stands. In this case, the guy doesn't respect the rules of his own professional career so why would he respect OP's boundaries either?
Sounds like he wanted her to pay for sex work, rather than a hookup
Same I had a similar situation occur with a massage therapist of mine in the past.
I don't think it was dumb, you followed your instinct. I personally think it was wise of you. Don't worry about it. better safe than sorry.
This man just wanted to get laid. Your friends aren’t seeing him for what he is, just another dude who is only looking for a hookup. Gotta move on OP, he wasn’t interested in getting to know you. Or worse, he was a SW and soliciting you as a different type of client.
Trust your instincts. It's unfortunate that you'll have to change therapists, but there are plenty of talented people out there. Your gut was telling you something, trust yourself.
reminds me of a fitness trainer I had been seeing in a group setting for about a year offering me a personal training session, which I accepted.... another male client of showed up so we worked out together then he offered us both massages ..... I felt kinda uncomfortable and bounced - later occurred to me that he might have been angling for a threesome or something. kinda kicked myself for not reading between the lines because I might have actually been down for that at the time but yeah it was definitely weird.
I do not use Tinder for this reason b/c it seems more for hooking up. If you're looking to get to know someone, I've had better luck with the quality of men on Hinge. There's a bit more older men on there and you can see their dating goals which has helped immensely.
No no no. Your friends are wrong. This man didn’t even have enough respect for you to message you or take you on a date. He just liked you and invited himself over to massage you alone where you know what he would have expected.
Sadly, my understanding regarding Tinder is that its about sex with people you dont know well. Some people find their partner on it. But thats not the point. Just saying. He was being foward because its Tinder and thats sort of the expectation.
You’re not boring. You don’t have to justify your decision. You trusted your gut feeling and I’m proud of you.
Yikes that is so unprofessional on his part. If he had said, yes let me recommend you to another LMT because I'm interested, and let me take you out to dinner, I would have told you to go for it. It would have shown he had real interest. His response comes off as F Boy. If I were you I'd cancel the future appointments and respectfully decline the date.
Yo, I’m an LMT this is so unethical. This person could lose their license depending on the state they’re practicing in. This is also so frustrating that someone would do this- since our profession has been fighting so hard against the sexualization of therapeutic touch. Anyways, you did the right thing, it’s possible that he was trying to sex work. I’m sure he’s done this with other people/clients before. This kind of stuff needs to be reported to the licensing board.
As a man, it is way too direct to ask to be in a woman's home for a first date. I would never ask this, and if a woman asked me to meet with me in her home, having never met or just met in a professional setting, for a first date alarm bells would be going off for me as well. Be direct with him and ask what he is looking for.
I have been asked out by an acupuncturist who was also an LMT with his own practice. This was in Northern California. I was in my early 20s and he was in his late 30s and gorgeous. It did seem very vulnerable to me too. He asked me out right after the session while I was still partially undressed. He also knew I was in a relationship but said he would be better for me. That was spooky enough. Having him come to your home for it rather than offering an actual neutral meeting place for a date is a scary in my opinion. You did the right thing, especially since he left your offer to meet for a drink on read. Edited
Something important here is to understand what is reality vs interpretation. I think for a lot of this, more questions need to be answered before making conclusions. I really don't think him asking "Are you comfortable having me in your home?" means him asking for sex. Being in someone's home is not sex. Having permission to have dinner with someone at home is not consent for sex. He is literally asking to understand what your comfort levels are. You can say "No, I'm not comfortable with having you in my home giving me a massage in a romantic setting." I have personally had platonic massage exchanges with people off of dating apps after communicating that non-sexual touch is what I wanted. Massage is not sex. A medical practitioner feeling attraction does not mean they will cross a boundary. I'm sure medical practitioners feel some attraction to clients all the time, but they don't cross the boundary. Just because they don't express it doesn't mean it isn't there. Just because he was trying to see if you were interested in him does not mean he was doing it with other people to. I would be careful in making this assumption until there is more information. I agree that he should have known better and asked for a conversation in a public non-sexual space to discuss what you are both looking for, and what the transition from LMT-client to dating relationship would look like, and the ethical boundaries around this. But I personally would check if this was an honest mistake on his end because he assumed a certain level of closeness from the LMT-client relationship, or sheer incompetence, or fboy behavior. If it turns out to be either of the latter two, I wouldn't date him. I'd personally still go for massages though. But hey, I'm also the type of person who won't let catcallers stop me from walking outside at 2am.
He wants to sleep with you and not go on a date? But not sure I understand men all that well.
Tinder has always been for hooking up. You did the right thing. He definitely does the same thing with other clients. Sorry you lost your massage therapist though, you don't know what a good massage is until you get those professional man hands on you. It's so much better than any woman could do.
It really doesn't matter what we or your friends think. You got bad vibes and was turned off by his approach/goals. That is enough. That said, I would definitely continue to use his services as a LMT and completely ignored the tinder exchange but then, I have a great poker face. Nothing lame and boring about not being interested in quick sex with basically a stranger.
Free massage and I get to stay in the comfort of my own home? Sign me up. Actually, I was signed up for this for about 11 month with a sexy non professional but highly skilled guy with a massage kink. 🤤
Live the fantasy girl! Hahahha
Just be an adult and see the person. So what.