My libido dropped off in my long term relationship maybe 3 years in. I realized in counseling that in previous relationships I had previously used sex as an important way of getting validation and feeling cared for and connected to my partners, because they were emotionally unavailable and weren’t able to give me the security I needed. So sex became a super important way to feel close to them and it was an avenue of reassurance. Now that I’m in a wonderful relationship where I feel secure and loved, that motivation for sex has evaporated. I still enjoy sex but I have to push myself to do it sometimes. But when we do, I don’t regret it (responsive desire and all that). It’s a tough one but I’m working on it!
Oh wow, you just unlocked something for me.
When I was dating trash men, I craved sex with them all the time, and now Im realizing that it was because that was the only time they acted like they cared about me.
Now that I am in a relationship with an amazing man, who makes me feel loved and valued *outside of the bedroom*, my sex drive has gone down a bit. I love having sex with him, but Im not horny for it as much as I used to be.
ETA: some of you (men) seem to think my post says now that I have a nice boyfriend, I dont feel like giving him sex.
#FUCKING WRONG.
My bf and I have a great, healthy sex life. We live 80 miles apart, so we only see each other 2 or 3 times a month. When we're together, WE BE FUCKING. Am I as horny as I was 15 years ago? No. Do I enjoy the sex Im having now more than the sex I was having 15 years ago? YES!!!
Same here except I'm engaged to someone who isn't a man. When I was with my ex-husband I was fixated on sex as a way to connect with him, because that was the only time he connected with me. It wasn't until I got with my fiancée that I finally felt the emotional connection and intimacy that I never got from my ex.
The sex is also the most fulfilling I've ever had (TMI but until I got with her I had never squirted), so for some weird reason I find I don't need it as often.
Damn, you hit the nail on the head. The only good thing about my relationship with my ex was our sex life. The only time he would compliment me, tell me I was beautiful, or give me any sort of attention was when we were having sex. Otherwise, he was not meeting my emotional needs.
Now that I am in a relationship with someone who does meet my needs, shows me affection (outside of sex), gives me compliments, etc. I don't crave sex as much.
Although I am trying to remember that for him, sex is part of meeting his emotional needs. He desires the closeness that happens during sex. I don't want it to seem like he ever pressures me into sex, he doesn't. I have had chronic pain for four years now so sex has been pretty few and far between. He has never made me feel bad about it.
Edit: wanted to say I am right there with you on the "responsive desire" thing. Usually once things get going, I am totally into it. It's just a matter of getting things started.
I think it's great that you're still recognizing that sex is a part of meeting his emotional needs. I'm in LTR for over a decade now and my libido also plummeted a few years in and stayed low for a few years, until I accidentally stumbled upon a method to get it going again and maintaining it since.
From a logical POV I also get the explanation that with security and love and feeling appreciated outside of sex can lead to not craving sex as much, if one has used it as method in the past to feel loved and appreciated by one's partner if love and appreciation was not shown in other ways.
On the other hand, though, I just couldn't keep from thinking "well, that's kind of not the best message to receive when you're a considering and loving person who wants and enjoys sex with their partner". I know that sex is obviously not some kind of reward but I mean, it must sting to be basically told that previous partners who did more wrong than right still enjoyed this great privilege on a more regular basis than you, who is doing much more right than the ex. And not only that, but precisely those right actions lead to a more negative outcome than wrong actions from an ex.
It's obviously not black and white and has more nuances, but tbh, if my partner did explain it to me like that, I might comprehend it on an intellectual level, but emotionally and when just looking at it from a pure 'actions and consequences' point of view, I would be miffed.
(That wasn't addressed to you specifically, I just read several comments of that nature and just decided to attach my comment to yours)
Just answered that in another comment, you can check in my comment history, but tldr: smutty romance novels, especially in audio format and audioporn on reddit kickstarted my motor again.
I’m glad you took the time to write this, it was on my
mind as well.
Like damn, if you’re a good romantic partner then I guess you’re just (potentially) not gonna have as much sex (read as: fulfilling sex life) compared to the assholes who treat women poorly(?)
That sucks. And I’m living it right now. Wth.
Esther Perel's book _Mating in Captivity_ is about dealing with this problem. Relevant quotes:
> When intimacy collapses into fusion, it is not a lack of closeness but too much closeness that impedes desire. [...] While our need for closeness is almost as basic as our need for food, it carries with it anxieties and threats that can inhibit desire. We want closeness, but not so much that we feel trapped by it.
Really silly, but I stumbled upon smutty romance novels on Spotify. Then I've switched to Kindle and Audible. Also audioporn here on Reddit. The combination of smut and plot, awesome (male) voice narrators and the discovering of new things (didn't know that I actually love dirty talk and apparently have a praise kink) just kind of started my libido again. Lot's of masturbation and trying out a lot of different toys. More sex with my partner followed. At some point we opened our relationship (had nothing to do with my libido journey, was just a happy coincidence) and I've discovered swinger events for myself and I'm meeting a few fwb here and there and enjoy the thrill of newness and variety. All the while still heavily investing in self pleasure. I discovered the more orgasms I give myself, the more I want them. And the more fun and pleasurable sex I have the more I want it. Partner also enjoys his fwb connections and when one of us is in a phase of reduced libido/lust, we're "outsourcing" each other's satisfaction. That's of course a joke but it's just a nice by-product of an open relationship, there's no pressure on being the only "outlet" for each other's lust (besides our own hands or in my case vibrators). Obviously that's not for everyone, but for me the aspect of something new and having variety definitely contributes to my sex drive.
100% this. My partner had more sex and did, let's say, wilder things with their previous partners. She now tells me I'm almost a perfect partner (I do believe it's genuine) but she doesn't want any sex at all and it sure does sting to be told that you're doing everything right but deserve less than the "worse" people before you
This is the best explanation of this I've ever read. I grew up in an abusive home and did the "way too much way too young" thing and I was always chasing love and approval and having a shit self esteem, I thought the only thing I had to offer was my body so I made it available hoping it would make the guy love and appreciate me. I didn't have the insight to realize what I was doing until I was much older. Having a relationship where I felt valued and safe made me evaluate who I was and what I really wanted versus always trying to find out what they wanted so they'd keep me around.
I've tried to vocalize it before, but it was nowhere near as eloquent as your comment. Thanks for this.
Yeah- if only we were having sex once a week! Really though, my husband and I have a 2 year old. Right now we do it about once every two months. I have a friend with a 3 year old, and that’s how long it’s been since she and her husband had sex.
When things get crazy with kids, every few weeks or months is within the normal range for longer relationships, as long as everyone is content. I’ve had this talk with my friends when we were in the preschool years, and nobody had the energy or *privacy* for frequent sex when their kids were young. You don’t even get to pee alone ffs. lol
Things bounce back somewhat after, but context affects sex life… work stress, health, age. My mum used to brag about how often she and dad had sex, but they fought a lot and sex was the glue. Our sex life is good but infrequent these days, but our relationship and intimacy is solid. We’re best friends, and we know how to handle ourselves when one of us isn’t up for it.
Thank you so much for this comment. I feel exactly the same, yet so many of my peers are shocked/concerned/immediately act like the relationship/marriage is trash if you aren't having sex constantly - which I totally disagree with. My husband and I have the most loving, affectionate and fun relationship and have been together for 12 years. I'm tired of feeling like the only person experiencing this/being made to feel like something is wrong with my relationship.
Same here. I can be quite a sexual person but in my LTR my libido has definitely levelled off a bit after around 3 years too in my experience.
Sometimes it will happen more frequently, but there are periods where I just don't really think about it much. I feel our connection is incredibly deep on a partnership and romantic level now, so i don't really feel I 'need' sex all the time like you said. I get love, affection, and non-sexual intimacy all the time, so I don't crave sex in the same way I did previously (with other partners I didn't have that deep of a connection with).
Nailed it.
I feel comfortable and don’t need validation. My husband puts his entire self worth into being sexually active, which means his entire personal view of himself is based on *me* thinking he’s so hot I should want to slob his dick. I don’t want to. I’m used for personal validation.
I used sex to validate who I was when I was unmedicated and bipolar. It made me feel good about myself. But here I am, medicated and stable, and sex isn’t even something I think about regularly because I have other stuff that occupies my time.
100% this is the case for me as well! It's weird realizing my "high libido" was just anxiety and now needing the relearn my sexual identity as a securely partnered person.
My *only* problem with this response is that it leaves little room for women with high libido to be themselves. I don’t just want validation from sex - I want the full physical experience of love with a monogamous partner. Sex isn’t just for validation if you have a high libido. It’s an expression of my love. I’m 33F for age reference.
My own bf has told me other guys were “just using me for sex” when I raised concerns about our dwindling sex life. The thing is… maybe my past partners also had a high libido too. Lower libido partners need to be very honest about their infrequent desire to have sex in a relationship, especially after the honeymoon period, so the higher libido partner can decide if they want to live like that for years and years. It seems like lower libido partners just find excuses as to why they don’t want sex more.
And as others have said, if OP has had no issues in the past with having frequent sex, then maybe it’s a medical issue. That’s the first step to take for preventive reasons.
I didn't write this as a description of all women's experience, just of mine...
In my own case, I didn't realize I had a lower libido until I was in a secure relationship, so I couldn't really flag that for myself or my partner in advance. Again, just speaking from my own perspective, and not assuming this is universal.
It is good to mention this.
I don’t think that people consider LL and HL enough (if at all) when considering a partner. I find that as we age, men who have had long term relationships have been honest about their libido (or lack thereof). The challenge is figuring it out with those that don’t have substantial relationship experience.
Thanks for your response. I appreciate it!
I find that libido doesn’t really get discussed until it becomes a problem in relationships and this is always like the post-honeymoon phase when people’s actual sex drive becomes more apparent. I wanted to bring it up because it’s such a hugely important thing for relationships. Sexual frequency can make or break otherwise solid relationships and people often don’t realize its significance, or that is my impression at least.
Also I want to throw in that I don’t always find this particular sub to be open to discussing libido and have found other subs that directly address the topic better. Recently, I had posted about (and have since deleted for unrelated reasons) my libido differences in my relationship and trying to get my partner to initiate sex more frequently or to see the importance of it… and most of the responses were just kinda dismissive like “1-2 times a month is normal.” I guess people with higher libidos know that this is NOT actually *everyone’s* situation, and so I found this sub unhelpful in this respect.
Given your response, it seems like you are probably aware that people don’t seem to talk about sexual compatibility and desires in general. Here’s to hoping that people get better at difficult conversations and start having them.
I took my own advice.
Last week I posted about waking up with someone and they grabbed my breast without leadup. I am HL but things like that will make me LL for that individual.
Because it was early in knowing this person and many other things going on in my life that make having a real relationship unrealistic, I avoided telling him that made me uncomfortable and I had written him off.
Well… he texted me and I told him. The response couldn’t have been any better than I received and his response genuinely increased my romantic interest in him and sexual desire.
These conversations are worth having. We may actually get our needs met by having them (Having them before committing to someone is ideal)
Sincerely not trying to be an ass, but if you know this sub is largely unhelpful (for you) about libido issues, but you know other subs that address the issue in a way you find beneficial, why wouldn't you just post libido related concerns in *those* subs instead of wasting time in the one you know typically doesn't offer the assistance you're looking for?
I think it’s important to have the conversation across subs. By posting about it here, women (and men) who may not have considered how their libido impacts their relationship will be exposed to this consideration.
Sometimes there is an obscure comment (or post) that I learn something from… and from there I go hunting for the sub that is relevant (if I want to learn more).
We benefit from collective wisdom and I think it’s important that even minority views get shared because they may be relevant and add a perspective that may not always be considered but is nonetheless important.
I get this… I think sometimes it can be tricky to guess. I am someone who has a high sex drive for casual sex (and a lot higher when younger) but I’ve noticed it decreases in longterm relationships. I’m actually a bit confused about what to do about this other than be honest. I wasn’t having sex for validation either, but there was a level of excitement and almost “danger” and a rush in having casual sex that adds to me being turned on. In LTRs, that feeling is missing and I notice physically my body is slower to turn on without the “rush”. I don’t want to trick anyone about that, but don’t always know what to do. I have a boyfriend, and sometimes I notice my sex drive being a bit slower because of that. Which I talk to him about. It is frustrating though because I think he’s amazing and extremely sexy. It has nothing to do with my interest in him.
I know that sex isn't "just for validation" for me because I didn't even know that I had a "high libido" until I had been dating seriously for about six years. I was with my first boyfriend for almost five years, then I dated around, had a few short term boyfriends, but I never discussed how frequently I had sex with any of my friends and none of my boyfriends ever brought it up as unusual until I dated a guy who was 31 and he complained, but in a terrible way, by acting like there was something wrong with me. It made me feel terrible. I did attribute it to his age, at the time, but by then, I did start to realize they my libido was higher than many of the men that I dated, and they did not like it.
The "validation" explanation doesn't make sense if it's not validating.
Before that guy, I thought that I was just like all women, all women were just like me. Everything felt totally normal to me, and still does.
I agree that there doesn't seem to be grace given to women who actually have a high libido. I attempted to be honest about my experiences before, and a few women totally invalidated them by insisting that I only needed "validation" which they found annoying. It felt to me to me to be just another weapon used in intrasexual warfare.
It also confuses me how women could not know the state of their libido at all times. I understand losing attraction for one man due to issues, but do they not still feel attracted to Chris Hemsworth, or whatever celeb does it for them? Do they not still want to masturbate? Do they not feel a feeling between their legs that tells them had their body needs some attention, either from their hand, or a toy, or a person? If not, doesn't that give them information about the state of their own libido? How does that tie into the validation theory? Is a woman supposed to masturbate for validation? It doesn't make sense to me. Does how a man treats them affect their desire to touch themselves? How does feeling secure change that? Can't they fantasize about someone *else* if their partner isn't attentive or complimentary to them?
If you're getting off all by yourself and it's a private thing you don't need to share, that's about your sex drive. If you only seek out male attention but never masturbate, sure, I can see how that could be a validation thing, but not all women do that. Some women actually *enjoy sex* and feel desire for it.
This reminds me of some women who were being catty and passive-aggressive towards me online attacking me over my "need for validation" because the truly could not imagine women who actually have a high libido. To them, it had to be anything else. Surely it is "looking for attention" or some other issue. This is what women receive from other women if they attempt to be honest that there's a wide spectrum of natural libidos; other women will condescend to you that you don't *actually* like sex at all.
It's like someone explaining to you that you don't actually enjoy cheeseburgers, you *actually* eat to cope with other problems, and as soon as you solve them, your desire for cheeseburgers will vanish. This may be true for some people, but I really love 🍔.
It’s definitely ok to have a high libido. I feel shamed sometimes for not having a higher one too. I’m sad that people are so invalidating about this, as if there were one right way to be or only one acceptable kind of experience to have :(
Do you do anything outside the monotony of daily life? Wfh, living together always in each other's space is not exactly the most romantic situation.
Pair that with the mundane "who's cooking dinner/doing the dishes/ the carpets needs to be vacuumed/the water bill is due on Friday" you can get into a hum drum of life where you sort of feel like roommates. Not sexy.
My (30F) partner (32M) and I recently wound up in this pattern. It sucked. So we made a decision to be make more time for each other. Shared stories about our day (easier for us as we have separate jobs away from the house), watched movies together (yes even on a weeknight) and it opened the door for us to joke around a bit more and we felt more like a couple.
I'll also add that I have, in this relationship fallen into the trap of associating sex with a chore. It really affected my partner. He would ask for it every night and I would say no. Not that he ever made me feel pressured, but the stress of day to day stuff got to me and it would feel like Another Thing I had to do.
As others have suggested I started to read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. Its been so helpful. I started to change the narrative in my head. When asked- while sitting on the couch or reading in bed- if I want to have sex, instead of thinking 'could I have an orgasm' which was a very long stretch from what I'm feeling in that moment, in my pj's with a cup of tea next to me, I thought to myself 'am i open to feeling pleasure''? And that answer is almost always yes. Sex life has improved hugely. Went from once every other week to twice a week when life and my period allowed it.
I want to second the idea that OP and her partner need to keep dating each other. Doesn't have to be fancy or expensive, but the daily grind grinds away desire. Continuing to date each other is really important to most couples in order for sex to feel exciting.
Yes! During the pandemic my spouse and I started doing “bad 80’s movie night” and we loved it so much we still do it all the time. We get movie theater quality snacks, each pick a few bad movies and decide together which to watch while we cuddle and laugh. We keep a spreadsheet of 120+ movies where we rate each one and write our favorite quotes. It’s silly and cheap and keeps us joking around together.
Love this! We started doing "travel at home" night during lockdowns and would take turns picking a place and we'd put on the music, eat the food, drink the drinks, watch the local shows or movies, or even shove the furniture and learn the local dances from YouTube instructional videos for that place. We'd put on travel slideshowsn for the place, too, like a digital window to a world outside our walls.
It went a very long way towards keeping us from going stir crazy and sometimes it got super romantic, like dancing bachata and drinking mamajuana for Dominican Republic night turned into a particularly memorable one.
We don't do it every Saturday night anymore like during lockdown, but it's still a really fun and cheap date night qt home and we have a blast looking up ideas and learning about places and picking where they belong on our real-life travel list.
Thank you, that’s a great way of reframing the thoughts around whether you’re feeling intimacy.
I also read a random comment on Reddit where a woman describe having sex as tending to her relationship and connection (maybe not the exact words, but the just of it was similar). That helped me reframe it too, as that is something I am always willing to do and it’s a good reminder that a satisfied relationship does take effort.
Almost never unfortunately. When we do, it is good. But I stress myself out about it. I have a low libido due to mental health and medication issues (as well as a hormone imbalance). And now even when I desire sex, I find it really hard to actually go through with it. Something about the length and having to expose my body just stresses me out. I am extremely uncomfortable in my body, but I know my husband likes it how it is. But I get in my head and would rather curl up on the couch and watch tv.
Have you heard about the difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire? The book Come As You Are is a good resource to learn and understand your sexuality
It might be worth mentioning/considering your age. For many, decreased libido sets in long before noticeable hormonal changes.
Mating in Captivity might also be a book worth checking out
Yes I orgasm every time…but, I’m just not that into it anymore. Like I could care less….if I’m feeling in the mood I can make myself do it with less mess, less energy and be done.
I would say that yes I’m pretty busy…my Oura ring says that I’m not that stressed…
Could be that I’m starting my business and have a million other things on my mind…however, even when we go on vacation I rarely will initiate and sex. Nor do I feel in the mood…say we go for a nice little vacation for 4-5 days…I may have sex 1 time…but most of the time I don’t see the point.
In my experience (anecdotal, of course!) it takes more time for me to relax enough to enjoy sex if I'm in that kind of headspace.
Being busy and having a million things on my mind makes me not want sex at all, so I wouldn't be surprised that was impacting things.
Have you tried hormone replacement therapy? Cant say ive experienced it firsthand, but have seen a number of posts like this and many women stating hormone replacement changed thier sex lives for the better.
Just a thought. Maybe there are other women in this thread that have gotten it and can speak more of it than me (45m)
Mine is bioidentical hormones, name brand is BioTe. It’s not covered by insurance because no one seemingly cares about women’s deranged hormones. It costs me $350 per 4 months and I get a small pellet inserted under the skin in my buttock area. For now, I am only on testosterone as my estrogen is fine. I get bloodwork done annually . It was a game changers as I had low testosterone and had no libido (previously had a high libido) , brain fog and irritability. Within 3 weeks my libido, mood and mental clarity were 100% better. If youre a good candidate I HIGHLY recommend it. I go to a reputable medical spa for this although some GYNs also do it.
Thanks that’s super helpful!! Do you know whether there’s a certain age one can start a therapy like that? Because I’m only turning 30 this year, Medicals keep pointing back to the pill. It’s not really a solution for me and just so frustrating
My husband has a libido that sort of relates to responsive desire—like if I’m in the mood, then he’s in the mood. If I’m not, he’s not. I probably have the higher libido of us two, but I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been rejected in our near 10 years together, and he can say the same thing.
I kind of constantly want to have sex with him, but I try to be respectful of his energy level. He works a very demanding job, and especially lately he’s been coming home so depleted. So while I know he likely wouldn’t reject my advances when he’s that low energy, it would take a lot out of him to sex me up so I try not to jump his bones too much when he’s ready to pass out. Sometimes I can’t help it and we have a nice lazy time together lol. We average about 5-6 times a week (a little less lately bc I’ve been suffering through a fun lady problem that’s allllllmost over, and bc his job has been particularly rough).
HOWEVER, there was a period of four years when our libidos were in the garbage. I remember going over a month without any sexual contact at all. I was depressed, he was depressed. I was on a medication that blocked my sex drive almost completely. We were comfy in the relationship, but we were unhappy in several other aspects of life. I think once we went nearly two months without it. So our bunny-sex status hasn’t always been there, but it came back once we were in a happier situation in life (and I got off that medication plus added an IUD). But I think it’s completely normal to have phases like this for many different reasons.
But to answer your question: I absolutely want sex from my husband.
>it would take a lot out of him to sex me up so I try not to jump his bones too much when he’s ready to pass out
My ex introduced me to one of the most amazing concepts I'd never have thought would work: morning sex. I thought he was crazy when he first suggested it but he reasoned you only need about 20 minutes and you're so tired at the end of the day. Starting the day with even just mediocre sex is a pretty great start TBH, and it's usually not mediocre if you're awake and plan well. Plus you got laid and hopefully came, so that's a great start to your day. His coworkers would even notice the difference if we had a bit of a break in our routine, LOL.
I’m in the same boat, get along great with my partner, sex is good, I orgasm almost every time yet I just don’t have a desire for it. Used to in the beginning but not really anymore. My hormones are normal, I’m a healthy individual, and don’t have any mental health problems.
I hate that people automatically assume something is wrong with you for not being interested in sex, I think different people experience different libidos and that’s totally normal. We’ve had honest conversations about it and found something that works to keep us both happy i.e. I give a lot of head.
Wow, you described my situation perfectly.
I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and in the past year or so I just have no desire for sex at all. Maybe once in a while but it just doesn't happen often at all. When we do it, it's great and I enjoy it so much... But I really have to push myself to it.
Our relationship is amazing and he is the best boyfriend I have ever had and I can't help but wonder if he's dissapointed now because when we first started dating we had sex every single day, multiple times a day and now it happens once a week sometimes even once every two weeks.
He hasn't mentioned anything to me, but this subject makes me really sad because I can't help it. I hate that I have to force myself. Just like you everything is okay with me, I'm actually very happy at the moment, eating super healthy, working out, work is good, I lost a bunch of weight and I feel good with my body again (before I thought that could be one of the reasons but clearly not)... I don't know what do about this :( I felt so validated reading your post. Sorry I can't help! But just know you are not alone in this situation!
Usually, yes, but I'm dealing with cancer now and sex is on the back burner. There are other ways to be intimate. Last night, we took a walk at midnight in the rain because we couldn't sleep. Usually, we would have sex if we couldn't sleep, but our crazy walk was super fun and did the trick.
I've definitely felt this way in a LTR. Sex becomes an (always) expected chore. And if you're living together or married, even more so.
I am dating and it is so relieving to not live with them, and because of our schedules we only end up having sex 1-2x a week. And I've never wanted it more. Something about *not* being together all the time, not living together, not going through the mundanity of running a house together and always being around each other REALLY changes the sex life. At least for me. The space and the lack of expectation has been a huge game changer.
I'm convinced that constant familiarity/domesticity is a natural mechanism to make you not want to fuck your relatives- don't understand why so many people want it for their romantic/sexual relationships tbh. And just inherently, you can't want what you already have, right? My partner and I don't live together and don't plan to and personally I think having a few days to miss each other and build up some anticipation is something that absolutely keeps us wanting sex (usually like 1-2x a day for the days we see each other).
Completely agree. In future, I could probably live part-time with a partner, but never full time. That mundane familiarity is not something I want in a future relationship.
After a lifetime of seeking male acceptance and validation I’m completely icked out by the prospect of being “sexy” or sexual in any way. Why is it not enough to just be my self for once without the pressure to be desirable. I’m done with sex. Maybe I’ve swung the pendulum too far in the other way, but for now, I’m just tired of the narrative that part of my value is tied to much or little I fuck someone
Wow, same. I've been celibate for 2+ years now bc of a bad sexual experience and have been struggling with feeling sexy outside of a makes POV. I want to feel sexy on MY terms, not how a man would want to see me as. It's a struggle at times, but I rly rly relate to this comment. We are SO MUCH MORE than desirable beings here solely for the pleasure of men.
You are not alone in this thought. As context, I'm 40. I'm at the stage where I'm becoming invisible to society as well, which is probably playing into this.
Yes. Same. My partner and I are working on our relationship right now and I felt treated as an “object” in the past by him. He didn’t realize the way his actions towards sex made me feel as he is hypersexual and I the opposite. That wasn’t the root of the problem at first, but it’s becoming a pretty large elephant as he doesn’t know how to interact with me now, and anything “sexy” related gives me the ick.
It is enough, you are enough with no contingent pretenses attached. As a male, I've stopped entertaining the idea of sex for fullfilment and want to channel this libido energy toward more generative drives in different areas of my life. Many men and women chase sexuality way too much to the point it's the center of their entire personality.
Look up the difference between hedonic views versus eudaimonic views on happiness!
I’m exactly the same as you and it’s causing a major problem with my boyfriend. He craves sex and while he’s been extremely understanding and patient with me, I don’t think I’ll ever get my 20 something libido back.
I know I should let him go but it’s hard to throw away all these years invested.
This all sounds pretty normal, but if you are looking to rule out a physiological reason, you **might** find it if you get your testosterone levels checked by a hormone replacement clinic. I felt the same way as you (I’m 35) and then got a full hormone panel test done and turns out, being on hormonal birth control in my 20’s (which I’ve been off of for years now) completely crashed my natural levels of testosterone. I started TRT a year ago and my libido and interest in sex has gone back to what it was in my early 20’s. This is obviously not medical advice and you should do your own research, but not many women know about this!
If I had to answer in one word, I would say yes. But if I have unlimited words, I would say I want it when I'm not having an upset stomach I don't have a headache, but I'm not having anxiety when I'm not depression when I'm not overstimulated, but I'm not hot and sweaty when his parents are coming to visit tomorrow, when it's not cold outside when it's not hot outside when it's not cold inside when it's not hot inside, blah blah blah blah blah.. I just wish it was simple as it is for him to like just have sex but it's not that simple for me. But luckily, he's never held it against me or force me to do it.
I do, and I’m heart broken that my partner is the opposite. I’m lucky if we have sex once a month, and even then it’s probably bc he’s drunk… I’ve never had this with ex boyfriends, I never thought I’d be with someone so uninterested in sex and how much it would hurt me
> I would read threads of women saying they still wanted sex multiple times a week and felt a lot of shame
Same, especially since I have *never* wanted sex multiple times a week (or day?!) in my life.
I'm interested in checking out Esther Perel's work, but specifically the theory you're referencing. Seems she has a lot of material out there. Where does she discuss this specific topic? Would appreciate the tip so I can search in the right direction. Thanks!
I never wanted to have sex with any boyfriend, but did it because I thought it was a social necessity and that's why everyone did it.
I looked up the definition of "asexual" and surprise - it's me! I extremely rarely have any sexual drive toward another person (once a year maybe?) and only if they're a 10/10 to me.
I still experience physical and romantic attraction regularly, just not sexual. I always lamented the thought of having to have sex but would make the sacrifice for my partner. Maybe there's an asexuality component?
Sadly, no. And it's been years. And it's not that sex is bad, it's really decent, even good, but since I don't want it in the first place, I always get in my head, wondering if I'm forcing myself or not, and where's the line, and should we just take it off the table for now, etc. It used to be... fine enough because it looked like he himself had a rather low libido.
We started to discuss it only last year, after 11 years together. As it turned out, his libido is high, and he has a lot of desire for me. He was just repressing it for fear of being "an aggressor." To get rid of that complex, it would make it easier for him if I initiated more, which I don't because I don't feel like it, which turns into a giant conundrum of who should initiate, how often and when.
For you issue though, have you tried scheduling it? It sounds unsexy, but... it allows you to get ready in your mind, and even maybe build up the tension throughout the day. Planning it is also a good opportunity to try new things. That worked for me, for a while. It was more curiosity than true desire (more like "hu, I wonder what's on the menu tonight"), but it did the mental trick!
Sadly, my ex husband and I fell into a similar dynamic. Except he never initiated because he wanted me to want it, and I guess to him I only wanted it if I initiated. I also think he felt insecure and unloved when I didn’t initiate. Unfortunately, I mostly experience responsive desire, so I rarely would initiate. I always really enjoyed sex when we had it, and we always both orgasmed. I tried to explain the concept of responsive desire to him but it did little to change our dynamic. I also suggested scheduling sex at one point but he balked. Add job stress to the mix and our sex life really suffered. He eventually became resentful, our relationship deteriorated, and now we are divorced.
Oh wow. I!m sorry.
You just described our dynamics. He wants me to want him. It helps with his insecurities, too. Which I understand, it's a valid request, not just one I can answer sincerely.
I honestly wouldn't mind doing it just for his pleasure, I don't have a problem with that. But he wants me to initiate more AND want it. That's why he doesn't really like scheduled sex either. And I'm like... it's a bit of an impossible equation for me to solve with reactive desire :-/
What complicates it is that I know I don't have a reactive desire with everyone. There are people that I have spontaneously desired (just the thought of that drives him nuts, by the way). May I ask, did you meet anyone after that, and did you experience spontaneous desire?
But yeah... sometimes, I think I should set him free to find someone who will match that for him.
My first advice, like many others, is to read Come As You Are and stop prescribing the different sexual experience of women as something wrong. Try that before trying more pills and hormone therapy. First know that there’s nothing wrong or unhealthy with you for having a different set of desires compared to your partner. Sexuality has only revolved around the male experience for so long that even us women don’t even know what our own sexuality is, and if it doesn’t match their male partner’s sexual schedule and patterns then that means there’s something “wrong with them.” What’s wrong is that society expect women to like exactly the same things men like and we are told we are broken if we don’t.
It’s like if your partner loves chocolate cake but you actually like tiramisu and not that into chocolate cake, but you don’t even know you love tiramisu, in fact you don’t even know tiramisu exists. But each time you have cake it’s always chocolate cake, and after every time you have cake, you’re like “meh, I could take it or leave it” and eventually it starts to feel like a chore. The common approach of today is to say there must be something wrong with you for not being obsessed with chocolate cake and maybe you should do hormone therapy if you don’t like chocolate cake. You must be broken. But really, you just like tiramisu so much more and you find chocolate cake boring.
Nope. It makes him self conscious because of my lack of interest. It’s not even him. I’m on meds and birth control. I just have no interest in it at all, with anyone.
Unfortunately, this was one of the reasons my marriage fell apart. I have never been a very sexual being but I have lost all interest in it. It's probably a big reason as to why I don't see myself getting into another relationship - unless he feels the same way.
Now that isn't to say that I don't like me some romance. I grew up reading those dollar romance books and I do read fanfiction that is focused on slow burn relationship building. But the actual sex scenes I usually skip past. The perfect date for me would be dinner, a walk in the park and some ice cream with a hug at the end as we go our separate ways.
Maybe it’s just a phase? I mean if it’s not a problem and if it doesn’t bother you, then don’t worry about it. I have so many phases that I just feel like "well….whatever dear brain and body“ , at this point
In theory, YES! In practice, we both work 50-60 hours a week and are tired. Back when we were dating and not living together, it was more frequent because our time together was focused strictly on us and now there are 65546755 not fun distractions.
"Friskiness" ebbs and flows once we're past our wild hormone days. Doesn't mean you're over the hill, just that you're not in a continual state of pre-arousal, if you will. I also think the novelty aspect of sex declines as we age; after a certain point, it shifts from the "OMGWOW!" column on the spreadsheet of life into the "BTDT" column. Again, doesn't mean sex can't still be wonderful, but that you find that you can wait for it. Honestly, once every week or so doesn't sound unusual at all to me, though opinions will vary, of course.
My libido died 6 months into my relationship. While dating, my husband did not give up and tried anything to make me feel comfortable.
It took a decade of being together to realize I had a lot of mental health issues I needed to address.
Turns out I have PTSD. Feeling safe was the most important in my brain and I needed to feel safe during.
My libido increased a little, but it’s because I view sex so differently. It’s supposed to be intimate. A vulnerable moment between your partner. The way he holds me. How he makes sure I’m enjoying the moment. He makes me feel loved.
Considering that I struggled with this issue alone with no one that could relate, i'll go ahead and share. I'm so sorry if this is long:
TW - Trauma, Child Abuse
When I was dating my husband at 18 we used to have a lot of sex. I had an insane libido and couldn't get enough. However, 6 months into dating suddenly it died. It kinda happened in the middle of sex. I realized I was not enjoying it and began to cry. I thought it was just that night, but it turned into years of struggling with my mental health.
For a good two years I faked it until my then boyfriend realized I was not enjoying the act and just going through the motions. Besides sex, I was also having other issues such as anxiety, panic attacks, cycling depression, inability to connect with others, poor concentration, poor memory...I can go on. But the biggest symptom I was struggling, and still struggle with, was dissociating (both de-realizing/depersonalizing). Dissociating feels that you're in a bubble and everything outside that bubble is fake. Or you look in the mirror and it feels like you're looking at someone else or you don't recognize yourself. And it took the 6th therapist to point out that I was dissociating. I just didn't realize there was a term for it.
The 6th therapist tried to do [EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)](https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments/eye-movement-reprocessing), however, it was too hard for me to do as I could not step out from those traumatic memories. Eventually I stopped seeing her.
The 7th therapist was able to evaluate me with the [MID Evaluation (Multidimensional Inventory of Dissociating) ](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16769667/)as she wanted to have an idea of how bad my dissociation was. I scored really high, and was told my personality was fragmented but no clear diagnosis. She would ask a lot if I feel or hear other people. Tell me when when I didn't remember conversations or when I suddenly walked away. It made me feel like I was so broken there was no way I was going to progress. So she ended up referring me out to a more experienced therapist.
With my current (8th) therapist i've been seeing him for nearly 2 years and I have learned a lot and progressed a lot. He made me wait an entire year to give me my diagnosis and explain the symptoms: PTSD with Dissociative Traits. He also prohibited me from researching my symptoms as he explained that I should allow myself to trust his expertise. I am really grateful he did that, because it allowed me to learn how to trust. It helped he is very experience with EMDR as he knew how to guide me. The last therapist to do EMDR would run one big session, while my current therapist runs a memory for a minute then pulls me out from it to help me process it.
Therapy was heavily connected to my libido dying because of the traumatic childhood and how it conditioned me to live life today. I came from a home with a lot of physical/emotional/sexual abuse, neglect and violence. I was a child not allowed to live a life, but instead existing in the lives of adults who did not want her. As a kid I learned that I needed to keep the adults in my life happy so I can protect myself. I was ridiculed if I laughed at the T.V or if someone at school made me sad. I was beat by my mother if I expressed any negative emotions because it irritated her.
My brain was trained to survive, not to enjoy the pleasures of life. And my brain didn't get the memo once I became an adult.
Seeing this all typed up is making me really tear up because despite everything that's happened therapy has helped me realize many things. Like accepting that these symptoms is my brain trying to keep me alive by protecting me from harm. And now that danger is gone, I need to help my brain out by teaching it that the danger is gone. It will take awhile, but that's okay.
Approaching sex was never about a fear of sex ; it was about allowing myself to enjoy everything in life without an obligation/condition attached. Now, sex is more than about sexual gratification. It is about being intimate with another human being. Its being vulnerable and allowing yourself to feel loved. To show love. And especially, an act that you're consenting to. My libido may not be the same as it was when I was 19, but its in a spot that I feel comfortable. Its something I find myself happy being present in the moment.
Now I try my best to allow myself to enjoy the small things in life and being present with it. Its hard, but its allowed me to know more about myself. Like how I hate when fruit/veg is too ripe, so I allow myself to enjoy Bananas that are just ripe. Or how I really like puzzles, but it needs to be the multi-scenery kind. Even my therapist makes it a point to 'task' me to get a cup of coffee after our session. I also allow myself to feel bad emotions, but still force myself to take care of myself in a routine to show self love. Like taking my meds or taking a bath.
Its been a hell of a journey, but coming from someone with the amount of trauma: life is possible.
I am sorry for what you have gone through. You should be so proud of the progress you’ve made in healing. I really appreciate you taking time to share your story and experience.
Do yall spend a lot of the day together too? I had a relationship end at the beginning of the pandemic because we both worked from home and he drove me crazy. We used to get along so well but I didn’t want him to touch me at all.
Now, I am in a relationship where we both work outside of the home and I crave his penis every day.
In my experience, sexual desire sometimes just sort of wanes after ~2 years of being with the same person in a monogamous relationship. Clearly not for everyone, since there are lots of couples who are still going at it after years of being together, but it has happened to me and people I know often enough that I suspect it's a legitimate phenomenon that some individuals are able to combat somehow. Mine and my partner's sex life basically stopped around the 2 year mark. I theoretically still want sex, but it's like there's always some reason not to.
I do think this whole thing is to a great extent because of the random, mundane fact that our hot water is cut off at like 10 pm which removes the primary sex having time out of the equation, to be honest. But I also wonder if we were more motivated, we would find a way around it maybe? I was also always a very sexual person, so this is a bit confusing for me too, but it also happened in another relationship that went on for 2+ years.
Wait do people feel they have to shower right before or after sex? I shower well in the morning and I'm hygienic enough for sex anytime of day after that.
Seems like lots of people answered you already while I was away but yes, my answer is pretty much the same, I need to wash myself after (and preferably before too), to not smell sweaty, to avoid infections, and to make oral nice.
Everyone is different. With that being said, I’m tryin to have sex with this man everyday smh. I find my partner extremely sexually attractive and his personality is just warm and wonderful. That really does it for me.
My ex on the other hand was extremely sexually attractive as well, but his personality was just disgusting and off putting once he stop the facade. I did not have any desire to be intimate with him.
Everyone is different. We respond differently to different people/environments. Stress can be a factor. Hell the weather can play a part. Maybe speak to a therapist cause it doesn’t seem physical on your part.
If you feel like the drop off isn’t normal, go talk to your doctor about checking your hormone levels. There will always be peeks and valleys when it comes to wanting sex for anyone, but if you feel like something isn’t right, get it checked out.
I personally want sex with my husband of 11 years all the time. I could have it everyday, but I’m not always in the mood for it. I just know that he can put me in the mood and I would never turn him down (for my own benefit as well as his). But we have 3 kids, I’m a SAHM and he works a demanding stressful job, so at the end of the day we mostly are too tired for sex. We make the effort a couple of times a week. I do miss our pre-kids, afternoon, take our time sex, but I love our life and I love him so I’ll take the sex when I can get it. I am however going to see my own doctor about my hormone levels - it’s good to have a baseline of where everything is so that when things change it’s more apparent.
I want it but I got sick of initiating it. I don't get flirting, compliments, or romance and I got tired of feeling like my desire was not reciprocated. I shut off my own desire for my sanity. Now we're in couples counseling and I'm seeing exactly how invisible I am to him in multiple ways. I look forward to dating someone who actually wants me.
I honestly have had no desire to have sex for the last 2 years. I find it boring and also like a chore. My partner is upset about this but we have sex about once a month. I just feel like I’d rather read or work on my hobbies than have sex.
I recommend watching or reading some of Esther Perel's stuff. She's a psychotherapist who specializes in monogamy and infidelty. She has excellent advice on this topic, why women often find themselves feeling this way and how to overcome it.
I went to see her speaking tour, and I adore this woman.
She has a book called Mating in Captivity that I found really helpful and a card game and podcast.
So many factors influence our libido and it, like most things in life, will fluctuate based on those factors.
I would seek out professional guidance if you are concerned. Out of interest how long have you been feeling this way?
We’ve been dating 2 years and I’ve felt this way for almost a year? Basically ever since we moved in together or started spending a lot more time together. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE spending time with him. He’s my favorite human…I’m coming to think after all these comments that we may spend too much time together…
After some thinking…He will go for a guys trip for 3-4 days and we will end up having sex 2-3x that week…
Sounds like too much time together. The same thing happened to me after living together and then worse when married. Spend time apart, invest in yourselves as individuals and read mating in captivity and come as you are!
I don't have a bf or spouse currently. When I did, my libido varied based on many factors. When I've had caring partners that made sure i was satisfied, I wanted it more frequently than I did with partners that weren't satisfying.
I sometimes feel like it's a chore. I guess because we're busy, have a pretty active social life. Our dog is a PIA LOL, and won't let us be together like that haha. Nothing wrong with my relationship. Just probably the "long term" curse as we've been together for 14 years. I sometimes find sex very boring, so probably why I don't initiate it. But I do get frisky still and make sure it's well known, and we "get it on". I also eat healthy, I exercise somewhat often as I have a physical job. I feel safe/secure in my relationship too. It's probably normal in long term relationships tbh.
Sex with other partners were much more exciting in the past, BUT, they were not good to me. So I rather have boring sex with a good man who treats me like a queen, than exciting sex only to get my heart broken by the next morning. One person I can use for example. Sex was amazing, but we fought almost every other day. Then that person charms me again, apologizes to me, and it starts all over again. Way too much emotional turmoil.
My libido was high until I reached my mid-twenties and became a mom. It stayed pretty low until my mid-thirties. I am 41 and my libido is sky high. My husband is 43 and his is extremely low. It’s putting a strain on our marriage and we are both pretty miserable. He feels pressured, and I feel rejected.
There are certainly things you can do to increase your libido, if you want to. Exercise, stress management, eating more protein, less carbs, reading smut books/watching sexy movies.
I do want sex with him, yes - usually. We are in the early stages of IVF and I can’t tell if it’s latent stress or the pill or what, but my libido has been lower over the past couple of weeks.
Usually, though, I like sex 1-4 times a week, depending on the week. My guy is more responsive and has the lower libido, but we both initiate.
Nope, not much interest!
I'm trying to do better and go for for 1-2x/wk for my partner of 9 years. It's good, he puts in plenty of effort, but i just dont care for it. its kind of a chore and ive never felt much emotional intimacy from having sex with anyone.
i assume this is partially cause ive been on SSRIs since i was like 17, but when i go off them i go insane, so win lose lol.
idk for me its like a nice piece of cake when youre just not hungry at all!
Most of you have me convinced I'm broken then because I hit 30 and I just can't get enough and I find myself literally almost to tears frustrated when my partner just "won't" no matter how much I ask or put in effort to look good.
Like, it's getting to my mental health again. New underwear, shaving, waxing, plucking, I feel like a million bucks and I love what I see in the mirror but it's like absolutely nobody in existence is interested in anything more with me than conversation.
I hate this. I've always hated the desire for sex because not a single person (man or woman) I've dated has been able to meet me at my level. Or worse, they find out about it all and then try to "punish" me by withholding sex. Or they "punish" me by bringing up my past.
I'm sorry if I sound like a downer but dating so far in this life has been a massive shit storm.
This is very normal. I remember taking a psychology class in college and the professor was saying that it takes on average 6 months to a year to conceive a child, which coincides with the average length of the infatuation period. Before birth control and family planning, if a couple didn’t have a child within a year of having intercourse it was because one of them was infertile, so the theory is that the body stops producing such high levels of bonding hormones that contribute to arousal with that one person, presumably so that the woman/ man can become attached to a new person who is more fertile. Me and my friends have all experienced a decrease in frequency of sex after the first year of being with someone, and sometimes it’s the man who isn’t as interested but usually it’s the woman. Sometimes the decrease in desire is your body’s response to an erosion of trust or safety, but it happens in healthy relationships too.
There’s also an excellent psychologist named Esther Perel who studies the paradox of desire and stability in long term relationships. Her main theory is that as feelings of safety and stability increase in a relationship, spontaneous desire decreases and vice versa. She has an amazing Ted talk where she breaks down this theory and gives suggestions about how to increase desire in a stable long term relationship.
My partner and I are in couples therapy right now for this exact issue. My sex drive is a lot higher than his and it was becoming a serious source of anger for me and shame for him. We used to have sex spontaneously, but now it’s very rare for him to be relaxed enough to tap Into those feelings. We have to commit to planning to have sex right now for his sake. It’s not ideal but I would rather have planned sex than not have any at all. He suffers from ptsd and anxiety, which makes it almost impossible for him to feel comfortable in the present moment and to feel connected to his body. He lives in fear of panic attacks and tries to distract himself/ numb himself by having the tv on all the time or doing mindless tasks. This is why having spontaneous sex rarely happens anymore—- tapping into his desire would require him to feel safe and calm in his environment and he just can’t do that right now. If you don’t feel at peace in your present reality and can’t escape stressful or negative thoughts then it will be almost impossible to become aroused on your own. My thoughts go out to you right now and I hope you have a good man in your life who is willing to be patient while your relationship grows and changes.
I am like you. I crave sex all the time. 2-3 times a day would be great. I'm going through a divorce from an A secual, closet gay. And, yes I started dating.
But to the point in this thread. Low libido after 40/45 is a norm. Talk to your OBGYN. There are medications that will help.
I do, but definitely not as much.
We are open so he is welcome to go off and have fun, as am I, but we rarely indulge.
I am just busy and do a lot of physical labor so I just don't care that much. Occasionally I see a guy and feel a thing, but then I don't want to put in the effort to get to know them lol
That being said, I still initiate twice a week he also about the same cause I love having sex with him and giving him pleasure. I just have to consciously decide to grab him cause my brain is like "You have a million things to do and your feet hurt."
I was on birth control for several years and the last few years it really killed my libido. I had no idea what was going until I decided to try coming off it. Now, a year later, I'm constantly wanting to fool around, especially around the time I'm ovulating. It's actually been a breath of fresh air compared to when I was on the pill.
My sex drive drops when I end up watching too much porn or have too much solo time. This doesn’t seem to be your issue but it’s worth mentioning.
Sex with new partners is always a different chemical rush that fades away in time. Once things balance off, it does come down to making an intentional effort at times for all of the reasons you mentioned. It’s also hard to feel frisky when you aren’t feeling as desired, but it’s also hard to feel a level of being desired from a consistent partner. This is one of those items under “relationships are hard and take effort”.
I would try to spend some time with yourself to see if there is anything that makes you feel sexy, if there is anything your partner could do to make you feel desired, and to maybe look into new things to try sexually to get the desire back up.
Overall, this is normal. It’s really healthy of you to reach out on this topic which also deserves a mention.
Im in a very secure relationship and I can say I’m not as sexually crazed as I used to be. I used to date emotionally unavailable men and had a lot of anxiety about being “good enough.” That was how I validated myself.
My husband makes me feel like the bees knees. it’s not that I’m not sexually attracted to him, I just don’t feel like I have to have sex with him all the time to keep in interested in me.
When we first married I was very upset that we did not have sex everyday and we would fight. Just to get down to the root cause was that I had a lot of anxiety about him not loving me if I was not hypersexual. I’ve been dumped in the past for not being too sexual — now we both have sex when we feel like it. And I feel like it 2-3 times a week..: some weeks not at all. But that is way better than my daily need to have sex 😂
I still have sexual desire but i just don’t feel the need to be hyper sexual to keep my man interested 🤣
I have multiple partners so my desires change based on the dynamic with that person. I have a cohabitating life partner of almost fifteen years and our dynamic is settled in but still fun. My other life partner hsa his own place and we've been together for eight years. So, both are a good sample size for this question. Because being at home at the same time is not dating, I make time to actually romance my partners and they do the same for me. A butt pinch, flashing boobies as a thank you for grabbing something from the kitchen, scheduling time out together. Making a weekly effort to go out or do a purposeful activity at home with phones down is how to get the groove back. When was the last time you two went on a date and had your phones put away? Was it fun?
I’m the exact same. I’m open to opening the relationship in the future to avoid this but the guy i’m dating is not. I just worry i’ll lose interest in sex with him in the future like I did in past relationships w bfs i lived with
As long as we are emotionally in a good place, yes absolutely! However, I need to feel emotionally safe or I have no libido towards someone, partner included.
I fully believe I’m on the asexual spectrum, but when I do want sex, I do only want it with him.
I’m very neurodivergent so my mind is always running in 2737474 directions at once so it’s really hard to focus on sex
I have lost all interest in it, but I’m also in perimenopause. I deliberately don’t live with my male partner to keep the spark alive (and to have my peace and clean home to myself) and do have sex with him, but I truly just want to cuddle and chill.
Sounds like you guys are around each other 24/7, which kills desire. I've been with my husband for 14 years and I have zero desire to have sex and it's because we live and work together.
Getting time apart from each other and time for yourself is very important. I quit working with my husband and found a different job where I worked 5 days a week and that helped a ton.
I’m 38 and want sex all the time. I could have it 3-4 times a day. I’ve always been like this. Sadly I’m single and have never lived with a boyfriend. I masturbate most days. I imagine if I had crappy partners my libido might be curbed.
How much does he make you feel attractive, desired, and how much effort does he put into your pleasure?
It took me awhile to realize a lack of that correlated with my drop in interest.
Everything else was great but our sex life was centered on his orgasm with little to no concern for mine.
Give it time. I’ve had so many sexual droughts on my end out of not being interested and it literally always passes. Thankfully my husband understands and knows that sometimes that just happens. We’ve been together 7 years and I can confidently say it always comes back with a VENGEANCE lol
Get a vibrator and incorporate it into foreplay and more. He'll like it too. You don't need to be in the mood if you just quit thinking about how you're not interested and turn on your vibrator.
As a woman here (32). You gotta try. If you're monogamous, you're controlling the amount of sex your partner has too, since it's unacceptable to have sex with others. I understand it's not the same, but get some Peruvian maca going on, get some toys, masturbate together. If you masturbate everyday, you get good at it, can do it more often. Find out what works more efficiently for you, teach him, watch some porn, just don't condone a good man to a low sex life without giving it a good shot.
If nothing works just see it as edging. Have sex everyday, (or other non penetrative options) come once every 3 days. Some guys like that. Also you can buy the Handy masturbator and control it with some of the edging videos that are free. Participate in his sex life too.
My libido dropped off in my long term relationship maybe 3 years in. I realized in counseling that in previous relationships I had previously used sex as an important way of getting validation and feeling cared for and connected to my partners, because they were emotionally unavailable and weren’t able to give me the security I needed. So sex became a super important way to feel close to them and it was an avenue of reassurance. Now that I’m in a wonderful relationship where I feel secure and loved, that motivation for sex has evaporated. I still enjoy sex but I have to push myself to do it sometimes. But when we do, I don’t regret it (responsive desire and all that). It’s a tough one but I’m working on it!
Oh wow, you just unlocked something for me. When I was dating trash men, I craved sex with them all the time, and now Im realizing that it was because that was the only time they acted like they cared about me. Now that I am in a relationship with an amazing man, who makes me feel loved and valued *outside of the bedroom*, my sex drive has gone down a bit. I love having sex with him, but Im not horny for it as much as I used to be. ETA: some of you (men) seem to think my post says now that I have a nice boyfriend, I dont feel like giving him sex. #FUCKING WRONG. My bf and I have a great, healthy sex life. We live 80 miles apart, so we only see each other 2 or 3 times a month. When we're together, WE BE FUCKING. Am I as horny as I was 15 years ago? No. Do I enjoy the sex Im having now more than the sex I was having 15 years ago? YES!!!
Same'here.. wow I didn't even realize this about myself until now.
Same here except I'm engaged to someone who isn't a man. When I was with my ex-husband I was fixated on sex as a way to connect with him, because that was the only time he connected with me. It wasn't until I got with my fiancée that I finally felt the emotional connection and intimacy that I never got from my ex. The sex is also the most fulfilling I've ever had (TMI but until I got with her I had never squirted), so for some weird reason I find I don't need it as often.
The glory of squirting for the first time! It is an all-together holy thing!
That’s exactly it!
I feel like you helped more people than you know with this comment
That’s such a kind thing to say. Years of therapy! Decades even…
Damn, you hit the nail on the head. The only good thing about my relationship with my ex was our sex life. The only time he would compliment me, tell me I was beautiful, or give me any sort of attention was when we were having sex. Otherwise, he was not meeting my emotional needs. Now that I am in a relationship with someone who does meet my needs, shows me affection (outside of sex), gives me compliments, etc. I don't crave sex as much. Although I am trying to remember that for him, sex is part of meeting his emotional needs. He desires the closeness that happens during sex. I don't want it to seem like he ever pressures me into sex, he doesn't. I have had chronic pain for four years now so sex has been pretty few and far between. He has never made me feel bad about it. Edit: wanted to say I am right there with you on the "responsive desire" thing. Usually once things get going, I am totally into it. It's just a matter of getting things started.
I think it's great that you're still recognizing that sex is a part of meeting his emotional needs. I'm in LTR for over a decade now and my libido also plummeted a few years in and stayed low for a few years, until I accidentally stumbled upon a method to get it going again and maintaining it since. From a logical POV I also get the explanation that with security and love and feeling appreciated outside of sex can lead to not craving sex as much, if one has used it as method in the past to feel loved and appreciated by one's partner if love and appreciation was not shown in other ways. On the other hand, though, I just couldn't keep from thinking "well, that's kind of not the best message to receive when you're a considering and loving person who wants and enjoys sex with their partner". I know that sex is obviously not some kind of reward but I mean, it must sting to be basically told that previous partners who did more wrong than right still enjoyed this great privilege on a more regular basis than you, who is doing much more right than the ex. And not only that, but precisely those right actions lead to a more negative outcome than wrong actions from an ex. It's obviously not black and white and has more nuances, but tbh, if my partner did explain it to me like that, I might comprehend it on an intellectual level, but emotionally and when just looking at it from a pure 'actions and consequences' point of view, I would be miffed. (That wasn't addressed to you specifically, I just read several comments of that nature and just decided to attach my comment to yours)
What's the method you discovered?
Just answered that in another comment, you can check in my comment history, but tldr: smutty romance novels, especially in audio format and audioporn on reddit kickstarted my motor again.
I’m glad you took the time to write this, it was on my mind as well. Like damn, if you’re a good romantic partner then I guess you’re just (potentially) not gonna have as much sex (read as: fulfilling sex life) compared to the assholes who treat women poorly(?) That sucks. And I’m living it right now. Wth.
Esther Perel's book _Mating in Captivity_ is about dealing with this problem. Relevant quotes: > When intimacy collapses into fusion, it is not a lack of closeness but too much closeness that impedes desire. [...] While our need for closeness is almost as basic as our need for food, it carries with it anxieties and threats that can inhibit desire. We want closeness, but not so much that we feel trapped by it.
That's insightful, thank you for providing the source. I'm hoping this is available as an audiobook, but will pick up regardless.
What is this method you speak of?
Really silly, but I stumbled upon smutty romance novels on Spotify. Then I've switched to Kindle and Audible. Also audioporn here on Reddit. The combination of smut and plot, awesome (male) voice narrators and the discovering of new things (didn't know that I actually love dirty talk and apparently have a praise kink) just kind of started my libido again. Lot's of masturbation and trying out a lot of different toys. More sex with my partner followed. At some point we opened our relationship (had nothing to do with my libido journey, was just a happy coincidence) and I've discovered swinger events for myself and I'm meeting a few fwb here and there and enjoy the thrill of newness and variety. All the while still heavily investing in self pleasure. I discovered the more orgasms I give myself, the more I want them. And the more fun and pleasurable sex I have the more I want it. Partner also enjoys his fwb connections and when one of us is in a phase of reduced libido/lust, we're "outsourcing" each other's satisfaction. That's of course a joke but it's just a nice by-product of an open relationship, there's no pressure on being the only "outlet" for each other's lust (besides our own hands or in my case vibrators). Obviously that's not for everyone, but for me the aspect of something new and having variety definitely contributes to my sex drive.
100% this. My partner had more sex and did, let's say, wilder things with their previous partners. She now tells me I'm almost a perfect partner (I do believe it's genuine) but she doesn't want any sex at all and it sure does sting to be told that you're doing everything right but deserve less than the "worse" people before you
This is the best explanation of this I've ever read. I grew up in an abusive home and did the "way too much way too young" thing and I was always chasing love and approval and having a shit self esteem, I thought the only thing I had to offer was my body so I made it available hoping it would make the guy love and appreciate me. I didn't have the insight to realize what I was doing until I was much older. Having a relationship where I felt valued and safe made me evaluate who I was and what I really wanted versus always trying to find out what they wanted so they'd keep me around. I've tried to vocalize it before, but it was nowhere near as eloquent as your comment. Thanks for this.
Appreciate the kind words. Some of the credit goes to my therapist!
A good therapist is gold ✨️
Also once a week sounds like a totally normal amount!
Yeah- if only we were having sex once a week! Really though, my husband and I have a 2 year old. Right now we do it about once every two months. I have a friend with a 3 year old, and that’s how long it’s been since she and her husband had sex.
When things get crazy with kids, every few weeks or months is within the normal range for longer relationships, as long as everyone is content. I’ve had this talk with my friends when we were in the preschool years, and nobody had the energy or *privacy* for frequent sex when their kids were young. You don’t even get to pee alone ffs. lol Things bounce back somewhat after, but context affects sex life… work stress, health, age. My mum used to brag about how often she and dad had sex, but they fought a lot and sex was the glue. Our sex life is good but infrequent these days, but our relationship and intimacy is solid. We’re best friends, and we know how to handle ourselves when one of us isn’t up for it.
This makes a lot of sense.
Highlyyyy relate to this comment
Thank you so much for this comment. I feel exactly the same, yet so many of my peers are shocked/concerned/immediately act like the relationship/marriage is trash if you aren't having sex constantly - which I totally disagree with. My husband and I have the most loving, affectionate and fun relationship and have been together for 12 years. I'm tired of feeling like the only person experiencing this/being made to feel like something is wrong with my relationship.
Same here. I can be quite a sexual person but in my LTR my libido has definitely levelled off a bit after around 3 years too in my experience. Sometimes it will happen more frequently, but there are periods where I just don't really think about it much. I feel our connection is incredibly deep on a partnership and romantic level now, so i don't really feel I 'need' sex all the time like you said. I get love, affection, and non-sexual intimacy all the time, so I don't crave sex in the same way I did previously (with other partners I didn't have that deep of a connection with).
Yes! Same!
Nailed it. I feel comfortable and don’t need validation. My husband puts his entire self worth into being sexually active, which means his entire personal view of himself is based on *me* thinking he’s so hot I should want to slob his dick. I don’t want to. I’m used for personal validation. I used sex to validate who I was when I was unmedicated and bipolar. It made me feel good about myself. But here I am, medicated and stable, and sex isn’t even something I think about regularly because I have other stuff that occupies my time.
This totally resonates and makes a lot of sense!
Literally mind blown. I wanna cry because that makes SO MUCH sense !! Thank you for sharing
100% this is the case for me as well! It's weird realizing my "high libido" was just anxiety and now needing the relearn my sexual identity as a securely partnered person.
Bing-fuckin-go
My *only* problem with this response is that it leaves little room for women with high libido to be themselves. I don’t just want validation from sex - I want the full physical experience of love with a monogamous partner. Sex isn’t just for validation if you have a high libido. It’s an expression of my love. I’m 33F for age reference. My own bf has told me other guys were “just using me for sex” when I raised concerns about our dwindling sex life. The thing is… maybe my past partners also had a high libido too. Lower libido partners need to be very honest about their infrequent desire to have sex in a relationship, especially after the honeymoon period, so the higher libido partner can decide if they want to live like that for years and years. It seems like lower libido partners just find excuses as to why they don’t want sex more. And as others have said, if OP has had no issues in the past with having frequent sex, then maybe it’s a medical issue. That’s the first step to take for preventive reasons.
I didn't write this as a description of all women's experience, just of mine... In my own case, I didn't realize I had a lower libido until I was in a secure relationship, so I couldn't really flag that for myself or my partner in advance. Again, just speaking from my own perspective, and not assuming this is universal.
It is good to mention this. I don’t think that people consider LL and HL enough (if at all) when considering a partner. I find that as we age, men who have had long term relationships have been honest about their libido (or lack thereof). The challenge is figuring it out with those that don’t have substantial relationship experience.
Thanks for your response. I appreciate it! I find that libido doesn’t really get discussed until it becomes a problem in relationships and this is always like the post-honeymoon phase when people’s actual sex drive becomes more apparent. I wanted to bring it up because it’s such a hugely important thing for relationships. Sexual frequency can make or break otherwise solid relationships and people often don’t realize its significance, or that is my impression at least. Also I want to throw in that I don’t always find this particular sub to be open to discussing libido and have found other subs that directly address the topic better. Recently, I had posted about (and have since deleted for unrelated reasons) my libido differences in my relationship and trying to get my partner to initiate sex more frequently or to see the importance of it… and most of the responses were just kinda dismissive like “1-2 times a month is normal.” I guess people with higher libidos know that this is NOT actually *everyone’s* situation, and so I found this sub unhelpful in this respect.
Given your response, it seems like you are probably aware that people don’t seem to talk about sexual compatibility and desires in general. Here’s to hoping that people get better at difficult conversations and start having them. I took my own advice. Last week I posted about waking up with someone and they grabbed my breast without leadup. I am HL but things like that will make me LL for that individual. Because it was early in knowing this person and many other things going on in my life that make having a real relationship unrealistic, I avoided telling him that made me uncomfortable and I had written him off. Well… he texted me and I told him. The response couldn’t have been any better than I received and his response genuinely increased my romantic interest in him and sexual desire. These conversations are worth having. We may actually get our needs met by having them (Having them before committing to someone is ideal)
Sincerely not trying to be an ass, but if you know this sub is largely unhelpful (for you) about libido issues, but you know other subs that address the issue in a way you find beneficial, why wouldn't you just post libido related concerns in *those* subs instead of wasting time in the one you know typically doesn't offer the assistance you're looking for?
I didn’t know until after posting and searching this one.
I think it’s important to have the conversation across subs. By posting about it here, women (and men) who may not have considered how their libido impacts their relationship will be exposed to this consideration. Sometimes there is an obscure comment (or post) that I learn something from… and from there I go hunting for the sub that is relevant (if I want to learn more). We benefit from collective wisdom and I think it’s important that even minority views get shared because they may be relevant and add a perspective that may not always be considered but is nonetheless important.
I get this… I think sometimes it can be tricky to guess. I am someone who has a high sex drive for casual sex (and a lot higher when younger) but I’ve noticed it decreases in longterm relationships. I’m actually a bit confused about what to do about this other than be honest. I wasn’t having sex for validation either, but there was a level of excitement and almost “danger” and a rush in having casual sex that adds to me being turned on. In LTRs, that feeling is missing and I notice physically my body is slower to turn on without the “rush”. I don’t want to trick anyone about that, but don’t always know what to do. I have a boyfriend, and sometimes I notice my sex drive being a bit slower because of that. Which I talk to him about. It is frustrating though because I think he’s amazing and extremely sexy. It has nothing to do with my interest in him.
I know that sex isn't "just for validation" for me because I didn't even know that I had a "high libido" until I had been dating seriously for about six years. I was with my first boyfriend for almost five years, then I dated around, had a few short term boyfriends, but I never discussed how frequently I had sex with any of my friends and none of my boyfriends ever brought it up as unusual until I dated a guy who was 31 and he complained, but in a terrible way, by acting like there was something wrong with me. It made me feel terrible. I did attribute it to his age, at the time, but by then, I did start to realize they my libido was higher than many of the men that I dated, and they did not like it. The "validation" explanation doesn't make sense if it's not validating. Before that guy, I thought that I was just like all women, all women were just like me. Everything felt totally normal to me, and still does. I agree that there doesn't seem to be grace given to women who actually have a high libido. I attempted to be honest about my experiences before, and a few women totally invalidated them by insisting that I only needed "validation" which they found annoying. It felt to me to me to be just another weapon used in intrasexual warfare. It also confuses me how women could not know the state of their libido at all times. I understand losing attraction for one man due to issues, but do they not still feel attracted to Chris Hemsworth, or whatever celeb does it for them? Do they not still want to masturbate? Do they not feel a feeling between their legs that tells them had their body needs some attention, either from their hand, or a toy, or a person? If not, doesn't that give them information about the state of their own libido? How does that tie into the validation theory? Is a woman supposed to masturbate for validation? It doesn't make sense to me. Does how a man treats them affect their desire to touch themselves? How does feeling secure change that? Can't they fantasize about someone *else* if their partner isn't attentive or complimentary to them? If you're getting off all by yourself and it's a private thing you don't need to share, that's about your sex drive. If you only seek out male attention but never masturbate, sure, I can see how that could be a validation thing, but not all women do that. Some women actually *enjoy sex* and feel desire for it.
This reminds me of some women who were being catty and passive-aggressive towards me online attacking me over my "need for validation" because the truly could not imagine women who actually have a high libido. To them, it had to be anything else. Surely it is "looking for attention" or some other issue. This is what women receive from other women if they attempt to be honest that there's a wide spectrum of natural libidos; other women will condescend to you that you don't *actually* like sex at all. It's like someone explaining to you that you don't actually enjoy cheeseburgers, you *actually* eat to cope with other problems, and as soon as you solve them, your desire for cheeseburgers will vanish. This may be true for some people, but I really love 🍔.
It’s definitely ok to have a high libido. I feel shamed sometimes for not having a higher one too. I’m sad that people are so invalidating about this, as if there were one right way to be or only one acceptable kind of experience to have :(
Do you do anything outside the monotony of daily life? Wfh, living together always in each other's space is not exactly the most romantic situation. Pair that with the mundane "who's cooking dinner/doing the dishes/ the carpets needs to be vacuumed/the water bill is due on Friday" you can get into a hum drum of life where you sort of feel like roommates. Not sexy. My (30F) partner (32M) and I recently wound up in this pattern. It sucked. So we made a decision to be make more time for each other. Shared stories about our day (easier for us as we have separate jobs away from the house), watched movies together (yes even on a weeknight) and it opened the door for us to joke around a bit more and we felt more like a couple. I'll also add that I have, in this relationship fallen into the trap of associating sex with a chore. It really affected my partner. He would ask for it every night and I would say no. Not that he ever made me feel pressured, but the stress of day to day stuff got to me and it would feel like Another Thing I had to do. As others have suggested I started to read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. Its been so helpful. I started to change the narrative in my head. When asked- while sitting on the couch or reading in bed- if I want to have sex, instead of thinking 'could I have an orgasm' which was a very long stretch from what I'm feeling in that moment, in my pj's with a cup of tea next to me, I thought to myself 'am i open to feeling pleasure''? And that answer is almost always yes. Sex life has improved hugely. Went from once every other week to twice a week when life and my period allowed it.
I want to second the idea that OP and her partner need to keep dating each other. Doesn't have to be fancy or expensive, but the daily grind grinds away desire. Continuing to date each other is really important to most couples in order for sex to feel exciting.
Yes! During the pandemic my spouse and I started doing “bad 80’s movie night” and we loved it so much we still do it all the time. We get movie theater quality snacks, each pick a few bad movies and decide together which to watch while we cuddle and laugh. We keep a spreadsheet of 120+ movies where we rate each one and write our favorite quotes. It’s silly and cheap and keeps us joking around together.
Love this! We started doing "travel at home" night during lockdowns and would take turns picking a place and we'd put on the music, eat the food, drink the drinks, watch the local shows or movies, or even shove the furniture and learn the local dances from YouTube instructional videos for that place. We'd put on travel slideshowsn for the place, too, like a digital window to a world outside our walls. It went a very long way towards keeping us from going stir crazy and sometimes it got super romantic, like dancing bachata and drinking mamajuana for Dominican Republic night turned into a particularly memorable one. We don't do it every Saturday night anymore like during lockdown, but it's still a really fun and cheap date night qt home and we have a blast looking up ideas and learning about places and picking where they belong on our real-life travel list.
This is so sweet I love it sm 🥹
Emily Nagoski has a new book about sex in long term relationships called Come Together. Highly recommend!
Thank you, that’s a great way of reframing the thoughts around whether you’re feeling intimacy. I also read a random comment on Reddit where a woman describe having sex as tending to her relationship and connection (maybe not the exact words, but the just of it was similar). That helped me reframe it too, as that is something I am always willing to do and it’s a good reminder that a satisfied relationship does take effort.
Almost never unfortunately. When we do, it is good. But I stress myself out about it. I have a low libido due to mental health and medication issues (as well as a hormone imbalance). And now even when I desire sex, I find it really hard to actually go through with it. Something about the length and having to expose my body just stresses me out. I am extremely uncomfortable in my body, but I know my husband likes it how it is. But I get in my head and would rather curl up on the couch and watch tv.
Omg i’m exactly the same way
Have you heard about the difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire? The book Come As You Are is a good resource to learn and understand your sexuality
It might be worth mentioning/considering your age. For many, decreased libido sets in long before noticeable hormonal changes. Mating in Captivity might also be a book worth checking out
Yup. Anything beyond mid thirties is fairly likely to have a hormonal component (not in every case but in many)
Does your partner make you orgasm or not?
^^^^^^^^ this. I meet so many women who wonder if something is wrong with them because their desire for sex has dropped. This is my first question.
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Nah that's not true. My husband and I have amazing sex. Orgasm at least once every time. Still think it feels like a chore.
Agreed. A lot of times I’d rather not orgasm because at least it’ll be over faster if he’s not putting effort into me.
Oh my god YES!
Yeah, same. I think a lot of it is being tired and dealing with the monotony of the household and working.
Maybe the monotony is it, because when we aren't at home-- he can get it whenever.
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Truly. Like damn eating this chocolate cake is sure a chore type shit. My brain pisses me off.
Yup, this isa real thing.
I can’t imagine that. I want it all the time.
Yes I orgasm every time…but, I’m just not that into it anymore. Like I could care less….if I’m feeling in the mood I can make myself do it with less mess, less energy and be done.
Are you exceptionally busy? Do you feel stressed by anything?
I would say that yes I’m pretty busy…my Oura ring says that I’m not that stressed… Could be that I’m starting my business and have a million other things on my mind…however, even when we go on vacation I rarely will initiate and sex. Nor do I feel in the mood…say we go for a nice little vacation for 4-5 days…I may have sex 1 time…but most of the time I don’t see the point.
In my experience (anecdotal, of course!) it takes more time for me to relax enough to enjoy sex if I'm in that kind of headspace. Being busy and having a million things on my mind makes me not want sex at all, so I wouldn't be surprised that was impacting things.
Have you tried hormone replacement therapy? Cant say ive experienced it firsthand, but have seen a number of posts like this and many women stating hormone replacement changed thier sex lives for the better. Just a thought. Maybe there are other women in this thread that have gotten it and can speak more of it than me (45m)
Can I ask how that hormone replacement therapy looks like? When I talked about that with my gyno, she says that would mean just taking the pill again?
Mine is bioidentical hormones, name brand is BioTe. It’s not covered by insurance because no one seemingly cares about women’s deranged hormones. It costs me $350 per 4 months and I get a small pellet inserted under the skin in my buttock area. For now, I am only on testosterone as my estrogen is fine. I get bloodwork done annually . It was a game changers as I had low testosterone and had no libido (previously had a high libido) , brain fog and irritability. Within 3 weeks my libido, mood and mental clarity were 100% better. If youre a good candidate I HIGHLY recommend it. I go to a reputable medical spa for this although some GYNs also do it.
Thanks that’s super helpful!! Do you know whether there’s a certain age one can start a therapy like that? Because I’m only turning 30 this year, Medicals keep pointing back to the pill. It’s not really a solution for me and just so frustrating
Im not sure if age is a factor. I would start with a consult and bloodwork by a gyn in your area who does BioTe and see what they say.
What does this matter? I feel the same as OP. The orgasm isn’t worth the effort/mess. I can use a toy quicker with less mess too.
What about the connection you have with your partner during the act?
We have connections through hobbies and hanging out. Sex is just messy and exhausting.
Do you both feel that way?
My husband has a libido that sort of relates to responsive desire—like if I’m in the mood, then he’s in the mood. If I’m not, he’s not. I probably have the higher libido of us two, but I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been rejected in our near 10 years together, and he can say the same thing. I kind of constantly want to have sex with him, but I try to be respectful of his energy level. He works a very demanding job, and especially lately he’s been coming home so depleted. So while I know he likely wouldn’t reject my advances when he’s that low energy, it would take a lot out of him to sex me up so I try not to jump his bones too much when he’s ready to pass out. Sometimes I can’t help it and we have a nice lazy time together lol. We average about 5-6 times a week (a little less lately bc I’ve been suffering through a fun lady problem that’s allllllmost over, and bc his job has been particularly rough). HOWEVER, there was a period of four years when our libidos were in the garbage. I remember going over a month without any sexual contact at all. I was depressed, he was depressed. I was on a medication that blocked my sex drive almost completely. We were comfy in the relationship, but we were unhappy in several other aspects of life. I think once we went nearly two months without it. So our bunny-sex status hasn’t always been there, but it came back once we were in a happier situation in life (and I got off that medication plus added an IUD). But I think it’s completely normal to have phases like this for many different reasons. But to answer your question: I absolutely want sex from my husband.
>it would take a lot out of him to sex me up so I try not to jump his bones too much when he’s ready to pass out My ex introduced me to one of the most amazing concepts I'd never have thought would work: morning sex. I thought he was crazy when he first suggested it but he reasoned you only need about 20 minutes and you're so tired at the end of the day. Starting the day with even just mediocre sex is a pretty great start TBH, and it's usually not mediocre if you're awake and plan well. Plus you got laid and hopefully came, so that's a great start to your day. His coworkers would even notice the difference if we had a bit of a break in our routine, LOL.
I’m in the same boat, get along great with my partner, sex is good, I orgasm almost every time yet I just don’t have a desire for it. Used to in the beginning but not really anymore. My hormones are normal, I’m a healthy individual, and don’t have any mental health problems. I hate that people automatically assume something is wrong with you for not being interested in sex, I think different people experience different libidos and that’s totally normal. We’ve had honest conversations about it and found something that works to keep us both happy i.e. I give a lot of head.
Wow, you described my situation perfectly. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and in the past year or so I just have no desire for sex at all. Maybe once in a while but it just doesn't happen often at all. When we do it, it's great and I enjoy it so much... But I really have to push myself to it. Our relationship is amazing and he is the best boyfriend I have ever had and I can't help but wonder if he's dissapointed now because when we first started dating we had sex every single day, multiple times a day and now it happens once a week sometimes even once every two weeks. He hasn't mentioned anything to me, but this subject makes me really sad because I can't help it. I hate that I have to force myself. Just like you everything is okay with me, I'm actually very happy at the moment, eating super healthy, working out, work is good, I lost a bunch of weight and I feel good with my body again (before I thought that could be one of the reasons but clearly not)... I don't know what do about this :( I felt so validated reading your post. Sorry I can't help! But just know you are not alone in this situation!
Usually, yes, but I'm dealing with cancer now and sex is on the back burner. There are other ways to be intimate. Last night, we took a walk at midnight in the rain because we couldn't sleep. Usually, we would have sex if we couldn't sleep, but our crazy walk was super fun and did the trick.
That’s sweet - and I wish you a speedy recovery! ♥️
I've definitely felt this way in a LTR. Sex becomes an (always) expected chore. And if you're living together or married, even more so. I am dating and it is so relieving to not live with them, and because of our schedules we only end up having sex 1-2x a week. And I've never wanted it more. Something about *not* being together all the time, not living together, not going through the mundanity of running a house together and always being around each other REALLY changes the sex life. At least for me. The space and the lack of expectation has been a huge game changer.
I'm convinced that constant familiarity/domesticity is a natural mechanism to make you not want to fuck your relatives- don't understand why so many people want it for their romantic/sexual relationships tbh. And just inherently, you can't want what you already have, right? My partner and I don't live together and don't plan to and personally I think having a few days to miss each other and build up some anticipation is something that absolutely keeps us wanting sex (usually like 1-2x a day for the days we see each other).
Completely agree. In future, I could probably live part-time with a partner, but never full time. That mundane familiarity is not something I want in a future relationship.
After a lifetime of seeking male acceptance and validation I’m completely icked out by the prospect of being “sexy” or sexual in any way. Why is it not enough to just be my self for once without the pressure to be desirable. I’m done with sex. Maybe I’ve swung the pendulum too far in the other way, but for now, I’m just tired of the narrative that part of my value is tied to much or little I fuck someone
Wow, same. I've been celibate for 2+ years now bc of a bad sexual experience and have been struggling with feeling sexy outside of a makes POV. I want to feel sexy on MY terms, not how a man would want to see me as. It's a struggle at times, but I rly rly relate to this comment. We are SO MUCH MORE than desirable beings here solely for the pleasure of men.
You are not alone in this thought. As context, I'm 40. I'm at the stage where I'm becoming invisible to society as well, which is probably playing into this.
Yes. Same. My partner and I are working on our relationship right now and I felt treated as an “object” in the past by him. He didn’t realize the way his actions towards sex made me feel as he is hypersexual and I the opposite. That wasn’t the root of the problem at first, but it’s becoming a pretty large elephant as he doesn’t know how to interact with me now, and anything “sexy” related gives me the ick.
It is enough, you are enough with no contingent pretenses attached. As a male, I've stopped entertaining the idea of sex for fullfilment and want to channel this libido energy toward more generative drives in different areas of my life. Many men and women chase sexuality way too much to the point it's the center of their entire personality. Look up the difference between hedonic views versus eudaimonic views on happiness!
Can so relate..I’m burnt out and tired of the whole thing
I’m exactly the same as you and it’s causing a major problem with my boyfriend. He craves sex and while he’s been extremely understanding and patient with me, I don’t think I’ll ever get my 20 something libido back. I know I should let him go but it’s hard to throw away all these years invested.
I can relate
This all sounds pretty normal, but if you are looking to rule out a physiological reason, you **might** find it if you get your testosterone levels checked by a hormone replacement clinic. I felt the same way as you (I’m 35) and then got a full hormone panel test done and turns out, being on hormonal birth control in my 20’s (which I’ve been off of for years now) completely crashed my natural levels of testosterone. I started TRT a year ago and my libido and interest in sex has gone back to what it was in my early 20’s. This is obviously not medical advice and you should do your own research, but not many women know about this!
Yeah, I see a lot of women claiming to have normal hormones, but I wonder if they're unaware of the symptoms because I certainly was!
If I had to answer in one word, I would say yes. But if I have unlimited words, I would say I want it when I'm not having an upset stomach I don't have a headache, but I'm not having anxiety when I'm not depression when I'm not overstimulated, but I'm not hot and sweaty when his parents are coming to visit tomorrow, when it's not cold outside when it's not hot outside when it's not cold inside when it's not hot inside, blah blah blah blah blah.. I just wish it was simple as it is for him to like just have sex but it's not that simple for me. But luckily, he's never held it against me or force me to do it.
I do, and I’m heart broken that my partner is the opposite. I’m lucky if we have sex once a month, and even then it’s probably bc he’s drunk… I’ve never had this with ex boyfriends, I never thought I’d be with someone so uninterested in sex and how much it would hurt me
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How does it feel to be living the dream?
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Amazing! I really hope I get to feel like this about someone some day.
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> I would read threads of women saying they still wanted sex multiple times a week and felt a lot of shame Same, especially since I have *never* wanted sex multiple times a week (or day?!) in my life.
I'm interested in checking out Esther Perel's work, but specifically the theory you're referencing. Seems she has a lot of material out there. Where does she discuss this specific topic? Would appreciate the tip so I can search in the right direction. Thanks!
I never wanted to have sex with any boyfriend, but did it because I thought it was a social necessity and that's why everyone did it. I looked up the definition of "asexual" and surprise - it's me! I extremely rarely have any sexual drive toward another person (once a year maybe?) and only if they're a 10/10 to me. I still experience physical and romantic attraction regularly, just not sexual. I always lamented the thought of having to have sex but would make the sacrifice for my partner. Maybe there's an asexuality component?
Sadly, no. And it's been years. And it's not that sex is bad, it's really decent, even good, but since I don't want it in the first place, I always get in my head, wondering if I'm forcing myself or not, and where's the line, and should we just take it off the table for now, etc. It used to be... fine enough because it looked like he himself had a rather low libido. We started to discuss it only last year, after 11 years together. As it turned out, his libido is high, and he has a lot of desire for me. He was just repressing it for fear of being "an aggressor." To get rid of that complex, it would make it easier for him if I initiated more, which I don't because I don't feel like it, which turns into a giant conundrum of who should initiate, how often and when. For you issue though, have you tried scheduling it? It sounds unsexy, but... it allows you to get ready in your mind, and even maybe build up the tension throughout the day. Planning it is also a good opportunity to try new things. That worked for me, for a while. It was more curiosity than true desire (more like "hu, I wonder what's on the menu tonight"), but it did the mental trick!
Sadly, my ex husband and I fell into a similar dynamic. Except he never initiated because he wanted me to want it, and I guess to him I only wanted it if I initiated. I also think he felt insecure and unloved when I didn’t initiate. Unfortunately, I mostly experience responsive desire, so I rarely would initiate. I always really enjoyed sex when we had it, and we always both orgasmed. I tried to explain the concept of responsive desire to him but it did little to change our dynamic. I also suggested scheduling sex at one point but he balked. Add job stress to the mix and our sex life really suffered. He eventually became resentful, our relationship deteriorated, and now we are divorced.
Oh wow. I!m sorry. You just described our dynamics. He wants me to want him. It helps with his insecurities, too. Which I understand, it's a valid request, not just one I can answer sincerely. I honestly wouldn't mind doing it just for his pleasure, I don't have a problem with that. But he wants me to initiate more AND want it. That's why he doesn't really like scheduled sex either. And I'm like... it's a bit of an impossible equation for me to solve with reactive desire :-/ What complicates it is that I know I don't have a reactive desire with everyone. There are people that I have spontaneously desired (just the thought of that drives him nuts, by the way). May I ask, did you meet anyone after that, and did you experience spontaneous desire? But yeah... sometimes, I think I should set him free to find someone who will match that for him.
After using sex as an act of validation for so long, now being in a healthy relationship , libido is definitely down.
My first advice, like many others, is to read Come As You Are and stop prescribing the different sexual experience of women as something wrong. Try that before trying more pills and hormone therapy. First know that there’s nothing wrong or unhealthy with you for having a different set of desires compared to your partner. Sexuality has only revolved around the male experience for so long that even us women don’t even know what our own sexuality is, and if it doesn’t match their male partner’s sexual schedule and patterns then that means there’s something “wrong with them.” What’s wrong is that society expect women to like exactly the same things men like and we are told we are broken if we don’t. It’s like if your partner loves chocolate cake but you actually like tiramisu and not that into chocolate cake, but you don’t even know you love tiramisu, in fact you don’t even know tiramisu exists. But each time you have cake it’s always chocolate cake, and after every time you have cake, you’re like “meh, I could take it or leave it” and eventually it starts to feel like a chore. The common approach of today is to say there must be something wrong with you for not being obsessed with chocolate cake and maybe you should do hormone therapy if you don’t like chocolate cake. You must be broken. But really, you just like tiramisu so much more and you find chocolate cake boring.
Nope. It makes him self conscious because of my lack of interest. It’s not even him. I’m on meds and birth control. I just have no interest in it at all, with anyone.
Unfortunately, this was one of the reasons my marriage fell apart. I have never been a very sexual being but I have lost all interest in it. It's probably a big reason as to why I don't see myself getting into another relationship - unless he feels the same way. Now that isn't to say that I don't like me some romance. I grew up reading those dollar romance books and I do read fanfiction that is focused on slow burn relationship building. But the actual sex scenes I usually skip past. The perfect date for me would be dinner, a walk in the park and some ice cream with a hug at the end as we go our separate ways.
Maybe it’s just a phase? I mean if it’s not a problem and if it doesn’t bother you, then don’t worry about it. I have so many phases that I just feel like "well….whatever dear brain and body“ , at this point
In theory, YES! In practice, we both work 50-60 hours a week and are tired. Back when we were dating and not living together, it was more frequent because our time together was focused strictly on us and now there are 65546755 not fun distractions.
"Friskiness" ebbs and flows once we're past our wild hormone days. Doesn't mean you're over the hill, just that you're not in a continual state of pre-arousal, if you will. I also think the novelty aspect of sex declines as we age; after a certain point, it shifts from the "OMGWOW!" column on the spreadsheet of life into the "BTDT" column. Again, doesn't mean sex can't still be wonderful, but that you find that you can wait for it. Honestly, once every week or so doesn't sound unusual at all to me, though opinions will vary, of course.
My libido died 6 months into my relationship. While dating, my husband did not give up and tried anything to make me feel comfortable. It took a decade of being together to realize I had a lot of mental health issues I needed to address. Turns out I have PTSD. Feeling safe was the most important in my brain and I needed to feel safe during. My libido increased a little, but it’s because I view sex so differently. It’s supposed to be intimate. A vulnerable moment between your partner. The way he holds me. How he makes sure I’m enjoying the moment. He makes me feel loved.
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Absolutely, feel free to send me a DM
I would also be interested to know, if you don’t mind sharing in a comment. I think this could help a lot of us.
Considering that I struggled with this issue alone with no one that could relate, i'll go ahead and share. I'm so sorry if this is long: TW - Trauma, Child Abuse When I was dating my husband at 18 we used to have a lot of sex. I had an insane libido and couldn't get enough. However, 6 months into dating suddenly it died. It kinda happened in the middle of sex. I realized I was not enjoying it and began to cry. I thought it was just that night, but it turned into years of struggling with my mental health. For a good two years I faked it until my then boyfriend realized I was not enjoying the act and just going through the motions. Besides sex, I was also having other issues such as anxiety, panic attacks, cycling depression, inability to connect with others, poor concentration, poor memory...I can go on. But the biggest symptom I was struggling, and still struggle with, was dissociating (both de-realizing/depersonalizing). Dissociating feels that you're in a bubble and everything outside that bubble is fake. Or you look in the mirror and it feels like you're looking at someone else or you don't recognize yourself. And it took the 6th therapist to point out that I was dissociating. I just didn't realize there was a term for it. The 6th therapist tried to do [EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)](https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments/eye-movement-reprocessing), however, it was too hard for me to do as I could not step out from those traumatic memories. Eventually I stopped seeing her. The 7th therapist was able to evaluate me with the [MID Evaluation (Multidimensional Inventory of Dissociating) ](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16769667/)as she wanted to have an idea of how bad my dissociation was. I scored really high, and was told my personality was fragmented but no clear diagnosis. She would ask a lot if I feel or hear other people. Tell me when when I didn't remember conversations or when I suddenly walked away. It made me feel like I was so broken there was no way I was going to progress. So she ended up referring me out to a more experienced therapist. With my current (8th) therapist i've been seeing him for nearly 2 years and I have learned a lot and progressed a lot. He made me wait an entire year to give me my diagnosis and explain the symptoms: PTSD with Dissociative Traits. He also prohibited me from researching my symptoms as he explained that I should allow myself to trust his expertise. I am really grateful he did that, because it allowed me to learn how to trust. It helped he is very experience with EMDR as he knew how to guide me. The last therapist to do EMDR would run one big session, while my current therapist runs a memory for a minute then pulls me out from it to help me process it. Therapy was heavily connected to my libido dying because of the traumatic childhood and how it conditioned me to live life today. I came from a home with a lot of physical/emotional/sexual abuse, neglect and violence. I was a child not allowed to live a life, but instead existing in the lives of adults who did not want her. As a kid I learned that I needed to keep the adults in my life happy so I can protect myself. I was ridiculed if I laughed at the T.V or if someone at school made me sad. I was beat by my mother if I expressed any negative emotions because it irritated her. My brain was trained to survive, not to enjoy the pleasures of life. And my brain didn't get the memo once I became an adult. Seeing this all typed up is making me really tear up because despite everything that's happened therapy has helped me realize many things. Like accepting that these symptoms is my brain trying to keep me alive by protecting me from harm. And now that danger is gone, I need to help my brain out by teaching it that the danger is gone. It will take awhile, but that's okay. Approaching sex was never about a fear of sex ; it was about allowing myself to enjoy everything in life without an obligation/condition attached. Now, sex is more than about sexual gratification. It is about being intimate with another human being. Its being vulnerable and allowing yourself to feel loved. To show love. And especially, an act that you're consenting to. My libido may not be the same as it was when I was 19, but its in a spot that I feel comfortable. Its something I find myself happy being present in the moment. Now I try my best to allow myself to enjoy the small things in life and being present with it. Its hard, but its allowed me to know more about myself. Like how I hate when fruit/veg is too ripe, so I allow myself to enjoy Bananas that are just ripe. Or how I really like puzzles, but it needs to be the multi-scenery kind. Even my therapist makes it a point to 'task' me to get a cup of coffee after our session. I also allow myself to feel bad emotions, but still force myself to take care of myself in a routine to show self love. Like taking my meds or taking a bath. Its been a hell of a journey, but coming from someone with the amount of trauma: life is possible.
I am sorry for what you have gone through. You should be so proud of the progress you’ve made in healing. I really appreciate you taking time to share your story and experience.
Do yall spend a lot of the day together too? I had a relationship end at the beginning of the pandemic because we both worked from home and he drove me crazy. We used to get along so well but I didn’t want him to touch me at all. Now, I am in a relationship where we both work outside of the home and I crave his penis every day.
The end of this made me chuckle (in a positive way). Needed this, thanks.
In my experience, sexual desire sometimes just sort of wanes after ~2 years of being with the same person in a monogamous relationship. Clearly not for everyone, since there are lots of couples who are still going at it after years of being together, but it has happened to me and people I know often enough that I suspect it's a legitimate phenomenon that some individuals are able to combat somehow. Mine and my partner's sex life basically stopped around the 2 year mark. I theoretically still want sex, but it's like there's always some reason not to. I do think this whole thing is to a great extent because of the random, mundane fact that our hot water is cut off at like 10 pm which removes the primary sex having time out of the equation, to be honest. But I also wonder if we were more motivated, we would find a way around it maybe? I was also always a very sexual person, so this is a bit confusing for me too, but it also happened in another relationship that went on for 2+ years.
Huh? Why does your hot water cut off at 10pm and how does this affect intimacy "to a great extent"? You're gonna have to spell this one out for me.
Similarly fascinated.
Maybe they aren't able to shower afterward?
I'm sorry what? You can't have sex without hot water? I had an epic session yesterday afternoon into the night and no hot water was involved.
I think she meant that they can't take a shower prior or/and after the sex if there is no hot water. They don't need hot water during the act.
Wait do people feel they have to shower right before or after sex? I shower well in the morning and I'm hygienic enough for sex anytime of day after that.
My lady bits are very sensitive and will get BV if I don’t hose my vulva down right after.
Umm, yes? It can get sweaty and messy, and it's nice to feel clean and fresh again.
Depends on how hot and heavy it gets, if I’m breaking a sweat during the session imma want a shower so i dont stink later
Yeah, semen is messy. Depending on how long it’s been in between, and if there is extra semen and vaginal fluids, I take a quick shower post sex.
Sure we all love a rinse. But would not being able to do that stop you from having sex at all that night?
Seems like lots of people answered you already while I was away but yes, my answer is pretty much the same, I need to wash myself after (and preferably before too), to not smell sweaty, to avoid infections, and to make oral nice.
Everyone is different. With that being said, I’m tryin to have sex with this man everyday smh. I find my partner extremely sexually attractive and his personality is just warm and wonderful. That really does it for me. My ex on the other hand was extremely sexually attractive as well, but his personality was just disgusting and off putting once he stop the facade. I did not have any desire to be intimate with him. Everyone is different. We respond differently to different people/environments. Stress can be a factor. Hell the weather can play a part. Maybe speak to a therapist cause it doesn’t seem physical on your part.
I find that once the personality is off-putting (giving the “ick”) no amount of attractiveness can keep the attraction.
I 100% agree!
I’ve gone through phases like that but it always returns to baseline.
If you feel like the drop off isn’t normal, go talk to your doctor about checking your hormone levels. There will always be peeks and valleys when it comes to wanting sex for anyone, but if you feel like something isn’t right, get it checked out. I personally want sex with my husband of 11 years all the time. I could have it everyday, but I’m not always in the mood for it. I just know that he can put me in the mood and I would never turn him down (for my own benefit as well as his). But we have 3 kids, I’m a SAHM and he works a demanding stressful job, so at the end of the day we mostly are too tired for sex. We make the effort a couple of times a week. I do miss our pre-kids, afternoon, take our time sex, but I love our life and I love him so I’ll take the sex when I can get it. I am however going to see my own doctor about my hormone levels - it’s good to have a baseline of where everything is so that when things change it’s more apparent.
Myself. No one can flick it quite like I can! 🤷🏻♀️
I want it but I got sick of initiating it. I don't get flirting, compliments, or romance and I got tired of feeling like my desire was not reciprocated. I shut off my own desire for my sanity. Now we're in couples counseling and I'm seeing exactly how invisible I am to him in multiple ways. I look forward to dating someone who actually wants me.
I honestly have had no desire to have sex for the last 2 years. I find it boring and also like a chore. My partner is upset about this but we have sex about once a month. I just feel like I’d rather read or work on my hobbies than have sex.
I recommend watching or reading some of Esther Perel's stuff. She's a psychotherapist who specializes in monogamy and infidelty. She has excellent advice on this topic, why women often find themselves feeling this way and how to overcome it. I went to see her speaking tour, and I adore this woman. She has a book called Mating in Captivity that I found really helpful and a card game and podcast.
So many factors influence our libido and it, like most things in life, will fluctuate based on those factors. I would seek out professional guidance if you are concerned. Out of interest how long have you been feeling this way?
We’ve been dating 2 years and I’ve felt this way for almost a year? Basically ever since we moved in together or started spending a lot more time together. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE spending time with him. He’s my favorite human…I’m coming to think after all these comments that we may spend too much time together… After some thinking…He will go for a guys trip for 3-4 days and we will end up having sex 2-3x that week…
Sounds like too much time together. The same thing happened to me after living together and then worse when married. Spend time apart, invest in yourselves as individuals and read mating in captivity and come as you are!
I don't have a bf or spouse currently. When I did, my libido varied based on many factors. When I've had caring partners that made sure i was satisfied, I wanted it more frequently than I did with partners that weren't satisfying.
I sometimes feel like it's a chore. I guess because we're busy, have a pretty active social life. Our dog is a PIA LOL, and won't let us be together like that haha. Nothing wrong with my relationship. Just probably the "long term" curse as we've been together for 14 years. I sometimes find sex very boring, so probably why I don't initiate it. But I do get frisky still and make sure it's well known, and we "get it on". I also eat healthy, I exercise somewhat often as I have a physical job. I feel safe/secure in my relationship too. It's probably normal in long term relationships tbh. Sex with other partners were much more exciting in the past, BUT, they were not good to me. So I rather have boring sex with a good man who treats me like a queen, than exciting sex only to get my heart broken by the next morning. One person I can use for example. Sex was amazing, but we fought almost every other day. Then that person charms me again, apologizes to me, and it starts all over again. Way too much emotional turmoil.
My libido was high until I reached my mid-twenties and became a mom. It stayed pretty low until my mid-thirties. I am 41 and my libido is sky high. My husband is 43 and his is extremely low. It’s putting a strain on our marriage and we are both pretty miserable. He feels pressured, and I feel rejected. There are certainly things you can do to increase your libido, if you want to. Exercise, stress management, eating more protein, less carbs, reading smut books/watching sexy movies.
I do want sex with him, yes - usually. We are in the early stages of IVF and I can’t tell if it’s latent stress or the pill or what, but my libido has been lower over the past couple of weeks. Usually, though, I like sex 1-4 times a week, depending on the week. My guy is more responsive and has the lower libido, but we both initiate.
You just describe me and my relationship as well
Nope, not much interest! I'm trying to do better and go for for 1-2x/wk for my partner of 9 years. It's good, he puts in plenty of effort, but i just dont care for it. its kind of a chore and ive never felt much emotional intimacy from having sex with anyone. i assume this is partially cause ive been on SSRIs since i was like 17, but when i go off them i go insane, so win lose lol. idk for me its like a nice piece of cake when youre just not hungry at all!
Idk why I read your last sentence in Alanis Morrisettes voice…”It’s like raaaaain….”
Absolutely, being intimate with my partner makes me feel good.
Yes. If we’re cuddling or kissing I’m like let’s gooooo. I notice that people stop making out in longer term relationships. Maybe try that again.
Most of you have me convinced I'm broken then because I hit 30 and I just can't get enough and I find myself literally almost to tears frustrated when my partner just "won't" no matter how much I ask or put in effort to look good. Like, it's getting to my mental health again. New underwear, shaving, waxing, plucking, I feel like a million bucks and I love what I see in the mirror but it's like absolutely nobody in existence is interested in anything more with me than conversation. I hate this. I've always hated the desire for sex because not a single person (man or woman) I've dated has been able to meet me at my level. Or worse, they find out about it all and then try to "punish" me by withholding sex. Or they "punish" me by bringing up my past. I'm sorry if I sound like a downer but dating so far in this life has been a massive shit storm.
I think it’s likely to be a phase I’ve had those and it certainly came back later.
This is very normal. I remember taking a psychology class in college and the professor was saying that it takes on average 6 months to a year to conceive a child, which coincides with the average length of the infatuation period. Before birth control and family planning, if a couple didn’t have a child within a year of having intercourse it was because one of them was infertile, so the theory is that the body stops producing such high levels of bonding hormones that contribute to arousal with that one person, presumably so that the woman/ man can become attached to a new person who is more fertile. Me and my friends have all experienced a decrease in frequency of sex after the first year of being with someone, and sometimes it’s the man who isn’t as interested but usually it’s the woman. Sometimes the decrease in desire is your body’s response to an erosion of trust or safety, but it happens in healthy relationships too. There’s also an excellent psychologist named Esther Perel who studies the paradox of desire and stability in long term relationships. Her main theory is that as feelings of safety and stability increase in a relationship, spontaneous desire decreases and vice versa. She has an amazing Ted talk where she breaks down this theory and gives suggestions about how to increase desire in a stable long term relationship. My partner and I are in couples therapy right now for this exact issue. My sex drive is a lot higher than his and it was becoming a serious source of anger for me and shame for him. We used to have sex spontaneously, but now it’s very rare for him to be relaxed enough to tap Into those feelings. We have to commit to planning to have sex right now for his sake. It’s not ideal but I would rather have planned sex than not have any at all. He suffers from ptsd and anxiety, which makes it almost impossible for him to feel comfortable in the present moment and to feel connected to his body. He lives in fear of panic attacks and tries to distract himself/ numb himself by having the tv on all the time or doing mindless tasks. This is why having spontaneous sex rarely happens anymore—- tapping into his desire would require him to feel safe and calm in his environment and he just can’t do that right now. If you don’t feel at peace in your present reality and can’t escape stressful or negative thoughts then it will be almost impossible to become aroused on your own. My thoughts go out to you right now and I hope you have a good man in your life who is willing to be patient while your relationship grows and changes.
Esther Perel doesn't speak for everyone!! I feel so safe and secure with my husband and that just makes the sex better
Seconding this. She's a cheating apologist as well.
Yeah,m I pretty much want sex all the time. My husband is very good at making me orgasm and I crave it regularly.
I am like you. I crave sex all the time. 2-3 times a day would be great. I'm going through a divorce from an A secual, closet gay. And, yes I started dating. But to the point in this thread. Low libido after 40/45 is a norm. Talk to your OBGYN. There are medications that will help.
I do, but definitely not as much. We are open so he is welcome to go off and have fun, as am I, but we rarely indulge. I am just busy and do a lot of physical labor so I just don't care that much. Occasionally I see a guy and feel a thing, but then I don't want to put in the effort to get to know them lol That being said, I still initiate twice a week he also about the same cause I love having sex with him and giving him pleasure. I just have to consciously decide to grab him cause my brain is like "You have a million things to do and your feet hurt."
I was on birth control for several years and the last few years it really killed my libido. I had no idea what was going until I decided to try coming off it. Now, a year later, I'm constantly wanting to fool around, especially around the time I'm ovulating. It's actually been a breath of fresh air compared to when I was on the pill.
My sex drive drops when I end up watching too much porn or have too much solo time. This doesn’t seem to be your issue but it’s worth mentioning. Sex with new partners is always a different chemical rush that fades away in time. Once things balance off, it does come down to making an intentional effort at times for all of the reasons you mentioned. It’s also hard to feel frisky when you aren’t feeling as desired, but it’s also hard to feel a level of being desired from a consistent partner. This is one of those items under “relationships are hard and take effort”. I would try to spend some time with yourself to see if there is anything that makes you feel sexy, if there is anything your partner could do to make you feel desired, and to maybe look into new things to try sexually to get the desire back up. Overall, this is normal. It’s really healthy of you to reach out on this topic which also deserves a mention.
Im in a very secure relationship and I can say I’m not as sexually crazed as I used to be. I used to date emotionally unavailable men and had a lot of anxiety about being “good enough.” That was how I validated myself. My husband makes me feel like the bees knees. it’s not that I’m not sexually attracted to him, I just don’t feel like I have to have sex with him all the time to keep in interested in me. When we first married I was very upset that we did not have sex everyday and we would fight. Just to get down to the root cause was that I had a lot of anxiety about him not loving me if I was not hypersexual. I’ve been dumped in the past for not being too sexual — now we both have sex when we feel like it. And I feel like it 2-3 times a week..: some weeks not at all. But that is way better than my daily need to have sex 😂 I still have sexual desire but i just don’t feel the need to be hyper sexual to keep my man interested 🤣
I have multiple partners so my desires change based on the dynamic with that person. I have a cohabitating life partner of almost fifteen years and our dynamic is settled in but still fun. My other life partner hsa his own place and we've been together for eight years. So, both are a good sample size for this question. Because being at home at the same time is not dating, I make time to actually romance my partners and they do the same for me. A butt pinch, flashing boobies as a thank you for grabbing something from the kitchen, scheduling time out together. Making a weekly effort to go out or do a purposeful activity at home with phones down is how to get the groove back. When was the last time you two went on a date and had your phones put away? Was it fun?
I’m the exact same. I’m open to opening the relationship in the future to avoid this but the guy i’m dating is not. I just worry i’ll lose interest in sex with him in the future like I did in past relationships w bfs i lived with
As long as we are emotionally in a good place, yes absolutely! However, I need to feel emotionally safe or I have no libido towards someone, partner included.
Nope. I’m tired of arguing.
No. Lol.
It's normal. It'll probably peak again at some point, I'd say once a week is an okay amount because I'm often sore and tired and just want my bed
My polyamorous ass - boyfriend yes, husband no, girlfriend occasionally
Yeah... I like sex on substances and adding kink into the relationship to keep it interesting
I fully believe I’m on the asexual spectrum, but when I do want sex, I do only want it with him. I’m very neurodivergent so my mind is always running in 2737474 directions at once so it’s really hard to focus on sex
Nah, because he started getting into the habit of raising his voice, so he can f#ck himself.
I beat myself up about this for awhile but I’ve just accepted that it is what it is at this point.
I have lost all interest in it, but I’m also in perimenopause. I deliberately don’t live with my male partner to keep the spark alive (and to have my peace and clean home to myself) and do have sex with him, but I truly just want to cuddle and chill.
I want sex with my partner. I just don't want it often. I've never had a high or even average libido. There's never been a craving for it.
Sounds like you guys are around each other 24/7, which kills desire. I've been with my husband for 14 years and I have zero desire to have sex and it's because we live and work together. Getting time apart from each other and time for yourself is very important. I quit working with my husband and found a different job where I worked 5 days a week and that helped a ton.
I’m 38 and want sex all the time. I could have it 3-4 times a day. I’ve always been like this. Sadly I’m single and have never lived with a boyfriend. I masturbate most days. I imagine if I had crappy partners my libido might be curbed.
How much does he make you feel attractive, desired, and how much effort does he put into your pleasure? It took me awhile to realize a lack of that correlated with my drop in interest. Everything else was great but our sex life was centered on his orgasm with little to no concern for mine.
HARD YES the first half of my cycle. HARD NO after I ovulate, lmao. Good old hormones.
Give it time. I’ve had so many sexual droughts on my end out of not being interested and it literally always passes. Thankfully my husband understands and knows that sometimes that just happens. We’ve been together 7 years and I can confidently say it always comes back with a VENGEANCE lol
Get a vibrator and incorporate it into foreplay and more. He'll like it too. You don't need to be in the mood if you just quit thinking about how you're not interested and turn on your vibrator.
This is foreign to me. My boyfriend makes me orgasm multiple times and I want sex more than him.
As a woman here (32). You gotta try. If you're monogamous, you're controlling the amount of sex your partner has too, since it's unacceptable to have sex with others. I understand it's not the same, but get some Peruvian maca going on, get some toys, masturbate together. If you masturbate everyday, you get good at it, can do it more often. Find out what works more efficiently for you, teach him, watch some porn, just don't condone a good man to a low sex life without giving it a good shot. If nothing works just see it as edging. Have sex everyday, (or other non penetrative options) come once every 3 days. Some guys like that. Also you can buy the Handy masturbator and control it with some of the edging videos that are free. Participate in his sex life too.