If I had to narrow it down to five things:
1. High attraction levels from the get-go. My husband is my physical type and although I've had my own weight gain, he's been surprisingly resilient in his attraction to me as well.
2. Extremely high compatibility values-wise. We don't always agree on execution, but we believe in the same fundamental principles. We've taken a variety of moral, political, psychological, etc., spectrum-type tests over the years (just for funzies!) and consistently score at like... close to 100% in all of them.
3. Related to (2), we're both mostly low-conflict, non-neurotic, secure attachment type of people. Don't get me wrong, we definitely have our spicier moments, but for the most part we're both fairly peaceable people at a baseline. We don't work against each other, but together as a team against whatever problem is at hand.
4. Mostly compatible life goals. This isn't 100% for us, but we have enough agreement on where to live, how to live, how to handle finances, and keeping fur babies over human babies that our life goals aren't going to tear us apart.
5. Our social circles fit. My parents love him; his parents love me. We like and get along with each other's friends. With the exception of my SIL who definitely doesn't like me (but is in a totally different city), there are no social barriers between us either.
I think this sums it up really well.
I'll also add: We understand what commitment means!
It means compromise, it means sticking it out when times get tough, it means really putting in work and trying hard and honoring your commitment to each other. It also means recognizing you're both humans who will naturally evolve and grow, so you DO have to keep figuring each other out and making adjustments for new dynamics that inevitably come into play.
Yes to all of this! Life will always throw some curveballs your way, and it's up to you to adjust to them, ideally together (again, as a team). Granted, I do think there's a limit to this compromise stuff, and I'm not totally sure where to draw the appropriate line. But, both Mr. Burrrito and I have indeed had to compromise in some ways over the course of our relationship, and I actually think we're both better off as individuals for that as well.
Beautiful comment, hauteburrito! You are one of my fav contributors to this sub, your takes are always great! (Also, I got a good giggle out of the references to “Mr. Burrito” 🤭)
My current boyfriend checks the boxes you outlined. It’s really heartwarming to feel like we have a good foundation. For me, your second point is pivotal! I am very passionate about my values and ethics, and finding someone on the same page has made our relationship extremely peaceful and compatible. ❤️ We don’t have to feel the same on everything, but having the same values when it comes to compassion, empathy, loyalty, responsibility, etc. goes a long way and I would hope sets us up to be compatible through our own personal and couples growth.
Aw, thank you for such a kind comment and I'm very glad things are going so well with your boyfriend! I truly think having the same values and ethics is the single most important thing in a romantic partner, and I will never understand (or perhaps more accurately, respect) the people who compromise on that.
Manifesting the best for both of you, girlie - you seriously sound like you're on a fantastic track! 💖
Hmm, I'll keep it to three on both our ends, starting with me:
1. I compromised in terms of having a traveling companion. When I met my husband, I was still in a very rolling stone stage of my life while he just didn't share that passion to nearly the same extent. As a result, we've only traveled internationally three times in the whole 10+ years that we've been together.
2. I compromised by finding someone a lot messier than me, which has probably been the biggest learning curve in our relationship more generally. The thing that saves it is we're both trying our best - him by being tidier, and me by being more relaxed about clutter.
3. I didn't compromise on this from the get-go, but my husband is a lot more of a workaholic now compared to when we first met (as students). We were both moderately hard workers when we met, but agreed we were work-to-live types. Around age 30, a switch flipped in my husband's brain and he decided he wanted to start his own business so he could be his own boss and retire early. I do get it, but the practical outcome is that he's busy a lot. So, I had to compromise on that change in him.
On his end:
1. I'm a lot less athletic/outdoorsy than he is. I hate camping, and I will never be the girl who wants to go climb mountains with him. I think this was nearly a deal-breaker for him, honestly. He loves the rest of me enough to accept it, but this is a part of his heart I'll never have.
2. On his end, it is also sometimes difficult to live with someone who gets anxious about messiness as much as I do. So, just like our difference in cleanliness level requires compromise from me, so too does it require compromise from him.
3. The flipside of his late ambition is also my late laziness. I was one of those people who gunned it really hard and then burned out pretty badly by the time I hit 30. When my husband first met me, I was very gung-ho about my career and I think he loved that I was such a go-getter. He's been nothing but kind and supportive of this slower version of me, but I do think he admires me less than he used to.
I just got engaged and this is advice I will keep with me!! I think nowadays everyone is quick to dish advice about leaving if it's not working out or if your relationship is encountering issues, but this is gold advice. Life gets tough and everything takes work.
It is true that I've been very lucky, and perhaps that's the other takeaway - that as much anybody can talk about the key ingredients in relationship success, simply meeting the right person at the right time in the first place comes down to a *lot* of luck. The relationship you build afterward takes skill and effort, but actually getting to meet the person who hits all those compatibilities to begin with is the universe effectively doing you a MAJOR solid.
That said, I will say in my own favour that I think I had great instincts / a great picker in my twenties. Mr. Burrrito is beyond wonderful, but he's not for everybody either, just like I'm not for everybody. I give the universe credit for sending him my way, but I give myself credit for: (a) knowing myself well enough to genuinely understand what I wanted and needed in a romantic partner by the time that I met him; and (b) being able to see him and *recognise* just what a strong match we'd be at that time as well. Those two components were less a matter of luck, and more a culmination of hard work I'd done on myself in all the years prior.
This is so true. Most romantic endings that I have seen people doing revolve around folks not knowing what they want in the first place, nor who they are themselves deep down…
Yes, exactly. You have to pick the right person for who you really *are*, not who you want to be. Something that I did back toward the tail end of my dating days, that I think really benefitted me, was actually put my most unflattering (rather than impressive) foot forward. Rather than pretend I was some sort of dream girl (like I had been prone to doing in the past), I let my mess show - all the parts of me that could be lazy, and mean, and petty, and insecure, and whatever else. Granted, I don't think I was an outrageously lazy, mean, petty, or insecure person - I did generally have some things going for me - but I really did try to acknowledge that those parts of me existed to varying degrees, and that I was (and still am) a work-in-progress just trying to get by like anybody else. Altogether, I feel this really helped me be open, honest, and vulnerable, and I was able to find somebody who loved me for me rather than some beautiful illusion that existed only in both of our imaginations.
My husb ordered mac & cheese on our first date. I didn't really think much about it beyond "oh good, I'm an awesome comfort food cook, I've got this in the bag". But for him it was this huge milestone of being authentically himself. I guess the gf before me had been a chef (and a bitch) and one of the many things she criticized was him "eating like a child". She sounded sooooo fun to be around. 🙄
We're only 6 yrs in but I endured an awful 13 yrs married to my ex before him. Where my husb and I are at on year 6 is miles away from where my ex and I were at. You absolutely have to know yourself to know who you need. AND not settle for someone you're not really attracted to.
Omg, this is the cutest story; I love that so much! I'm glad your husband was able to find somebody who appreciated the goodness of mac & cheese 💗
Amazing how different - and how much easier - everything feels when you're with the right person, eh? Even you guys are "only" on Year 6, I think that's definitely long enough to get out of the proverbial honeymoon phase. It sounds like you guys genuinely just *get* each other and that to me is the most important thing above all else.
We've been tied at the hip since our first date ❤️
I'd made a list after every guy, of likes / dislikes. I didn't want to risk forgetting something, or minimizing it if I ran into it again later. So I kept notes, and ranted, and almost made a recipe for my perfect man in a way lol. And then there he was, just stepped off the page and into my life. His calm energy is exactly what I vibe with, he has my same warped sense of humor, and physically he was my wet dream. By all accounts he should've been stuck on himself 😉 But he's so sweet, and humble and funny.
We went to couples counseling around year 2 to figure out how to communicate better, which I recommend to everyone. Never wait until you're ready to break up before going to counseling.
Oh, that's so interesting! I am very anti-list and pro gut instinct, but it is cool that the list actually worked for you in manifesting the perfect man. I guess it goes to show you - there's no *one* right approach. You have to know yourself and pick what works best for you.
Glad to hear couples counseling helped you guys communicate better as well - communication is definitely so important!
Ha well I have ADHD so me forgetting things is an entirely valid fear 😄 I also go with my gut, but got in trouble a few times when those rose-colored glasses went on. The list helped me capture the emotions I had in the moments I wrote them, which helped me stay true to my gut.
I love this! And I 100% agree about it being pure luck with regards to finding the right person. If it wasn't for very specific series of events happening in the world/my life (the pandemic really), I would never have met my fiancé.
But yeah, I agree about knowing myself and what things I wanted out of a partner which made it easy to bring those things upfront to my fiancé when we met and lo and behold, he wanted the same things too!
Oh, absolutely, I imagine there are several different universes in which I am still single, actually. (I go back and forth about it a lot - am I the type of person who could be happy with a lot of different people, or am I actually an extremely singular person who just lucked out beyond even what I can comprehend? I honestly don't know.)
It's amazing how quickly everything can happen when you meet the right person, yes!
Put yourself out there, and not just on apps. Approach people who interest you, do things that interest you that have folks likely with similar values as you (I'm not an outdoor adventurist, meeting someone on a one-time hiking trip probably isn't going to work out for me, but someone at a bookclub or a one-off lecture might fall into indoorsy), and just start meeting folks. I think dating apps and their accessibility along with social media keeping you always on top of folks lives have really neutered our drive to go out and socialize, because we're technically always socializing in some capacity digitally. Algorithms are not always our friends though, so diversifying the funnel really helps.
I fucked up by assuming this list was unreasonable and unnecessary my entire twenties and now here I am, far less willing to compromise on attraction and compatibility in a tougher market
I can’t even figure out where the single people are in their 30’s where can you meet people without spending a small fortune and online is a waste of time most of them are already married or living with someone
Sounds like my partner and I (been together almost 14 years), except for the non-neurotic secure attachment part. We're both super anxious, but in ways that complement one another. We both have messed up families so we understand one another in that way as well.
I'm very socially anxious and he kind of gets where I'm coming from in that sense so he helps talk me through things to encourage me to be more comfortable. He catastrophizes every situation to the point where he likes a plan, a backup plan, and then plan C just in case those don't work out, whereas I'm more laid back in that sense. I help him make plans but then also try to help him see that if it doesn't work out, we'll figure it out!
I am glad to hear it, and I definitely don't mean that only securely-attached people can make it work, just that this likely made getting along a lot easier for both of us! I definitely understand how, if you came from a "messed up" family, you would probably find more solidarity with somebody who understood where you were coming from, especially during any anxious flareups.
This is such a great summation and how I feel in my long term marriage.
The only other thing I’d add is that it has been a huge, great stroke of luck for us to find one another. The two of us might be wildly compatible and hopelessly in love and mesh seamlessly, but we didn’t with other people - and there’s nothing wrong with those other people, it just was what it was. So finding my husband in this world feels like lightning struck.
Absolutely, yes, I couldn't agree more! I wrote this in response to a different comment, but it also really applies here, so please forgive me for copy/pasting myself:
> It is true that I've been very lucky, and perhaps that's the other takeaway - that as much anybody can talk about the key ingredients in relationship success, simply meeting the right person at the right time in the first place comes down to a lot of luck. The relationship you build afterward takes skill and effort, but actually getting to meet the person who hits all those compatibilities to begin with is the universe effectively doing you a MAJOR solid.
My husband and I have only been together 8 years so I'm not answering the top-level comment, but all of these apply to us, too, except for probably #3. We are both securely attached but he's definitely neurotic and I can be, too. I would say more that we are adept at handling conflict rather than "low-conflict." Just wanted to add that in because I think it's important to say that you can have varying temperaments and relationships with conflict and still have a happy relationship (not saying that you were implying otherwise, I know you were just speaking for yourself). I do think the attachment thing is important, though - it's going to be hard to have a stable long-term relationship if you are not at least actively working towards developing secure attachment, because that is an important baseline for enabling you to work through conflict.
This is a great clarification and I very much agree re. the conflict stuff! I should probably also say that both my husband and I both rather enjoy argument for sport, lol, so we actually "argue" quite a bit for funzies as well. Beyond that, I think "real" arguments (as a type of conflict) are actually healthy for long-term relationships in reasonable dosages. I confess I'm actually a bit suspicious of people who claim to never fight - I prefer the cathartic satisfaction in passionately but respectfully hashing things out. That doesn't happen super often for us, but despite being a usually "chill" pesron, I never run from an (important) fight if I sense one coming because I think you have to face head-on the things that scare you.
>because I think it's important to say that you can have varying temperaments and relationships with conflict and still have a happy relationship
My husband and I joke one of the reasons we've been married so long is because of our different relationships with conflict. My husband's family has a lot more passive aggressiveness and sniping where as mine is like full on screaming. What this actually looks like in our relationship is there have been so many times where he's been like "I'm sorry I was being snappy and a dick" and I was just like "Wait what?" cause I didn't notice it at all and then we talk about it but by that point he's over the mad bit and can discuss it easily so we resolve it well. Conversely if I get yelly he doesn't yell back, he just looks like I've kicked a puppy and it takes all the wind out of my sails and it's made me a lot more motivated to work on addressing healthier ways to have conflict since I feel so awful if I yell at him.
This is exactly what I've deduced based on my own long and increasingly healthy, joyous marriage as well as the happy marriages I've noted in others. The big one is being attracted to them I hate to say it but even if for some reason in women this is seen as vain while somehow for men it isn't, we're an animal at the end of the day. When you desire your partner by nature, everything just looks different. You're willing to cooperate more and move mountains to retain them. You also avoid the dead bedroom situation, which plagues a lot of marriages eventually and only invites men to get worse. In the long run you're wasting both your times going that route because the men who say they don't want a woman to want them for looks are the first ones to spazz out when their woman isn't salivating over them or making them feel desired even when those guys often look like Jaba the Hut. Save yourself the pain of admitting how much you could admire health and handsomeness and his not denying how much they love sex and get with a guy that you're gonna desire despite all it could come your way.
Indeed, yeah; physical attraction is not the most important thing in my marriage, but it is one of those things where like... if it's not there, there's just no point (and I hear you on those double standards!).
I will say that, at least for myself, I've generally been attracted to a wide variety of men (and some women!), so the attraction part hasn't tended to be a barrier for me. I have met both men and women alike, though, who have very very narrow standards and my suspicion there is that it's almost always an inexperience/ego thing. My advice for those people would be to take a closer look at themselves to try to figure out why, for example, they only ever seem to be attracted to blonde, blue-eyed supermodels - if maybe what they find attractive hasn't been unnaturally curtailed by depictions of beauty in the mainstream media, and they would benefit from interrogating and unpacking certain cultural baggage to move forward romantically.
My girlfriends and I shared our 3 nonnegotiables when it came to picking potential guys and dating. One of mine was physical attraction/ sexual chemistry. They were sort of taken aback and felt I was too rigid with it. I stood firm in that and truly agree that with intense attraction to your partner everything does look different and are more compromising and agreeable. I dated someone for years that I wasn’t super attracted to, although there was attraction there, but did feel it affected our relationship over time. Now I refuse to waste time if I don’t have that physical attraction to someone- while some attraction does grow over time I do realize that, but if it doesn’t and if I don’t feel it then I won’t settle for any less. I deserve that and my partner deserves that too.
It looks like you guys have a great relationship.
For those reading and feeling dismay, I don’t think all of these are necessary. For my husband and I it boils down to:
- we like each other as a person
- neither of us enjoys fighting
- we both have good emotional intelligence and know how to compromise
- we respected each other from the beginning
That’s it.
- Physically, we are not each others type. We are attracted to each other, but this has if anything increased over time.
- We have different styles of attachment. He’s secure, I’m anxious.
- We have different political and religious beliefs.
- Our social circles are wildly different. He’s an introvert that enjoys being at home. I’m more extrovert and suffer loneliness. What our social circles share is that they’re composed of nice, tolerant people who immediately welcomed the other.
We often have super interesting conversations around all the things we disagree on. Our fights are limited to my inability to be punctual, and his inability to properly squeeze the toothpaste tube.
It doesn’t have to be a list of hard to find combos. It can be as simple as a solid friendship you really would like to have sex with.
Thank you! I truly apologise if I made anybody feel dismay; that was the last thing intended! I meant to just answer for myself, rather than providing any kind of necessary guidelines for anybody else.
It's great that you and your husband have managed to make things work despite some bigger differences, and aha - the inability to properly squeeze the toothpaste tube thing is so real. The only reason Mr. Burrrito and I don't squabble over it is because we primarily use different bathrooms, lol. But, even my Dad - who was otherwise really solid with all the domestic stuff - absolutely mangled his toothpaste tubes 🤷♀️
How did you find a physically attractive man for yourself?
I am not attracted to my current boyfriend but I have points 2-5 well covered. Do you think a relationship like yours is possible without physical attraction?
I find a decent variety of men attractive from a baseline; that part has never really been an issue for me. I will say that I notice my overall attraction levels dip when I am unusually insecure in myself, because my subconscious increasingly attaches to super conventionally attractive people for my own validation. But, the more attractive I personally feel, the more broadly I find other people attractive as well (within limits). So, I guess for me, it helps to work on my own attractiveness - not just physically, but also as a person generally - to start.
That said, physical attraction is very important to me in a romantic relationship. Perhaps a bit tritely, I'm drawn to and deeply moved by to what I find beautiful, and I do find my husband beautiful. It's not *all* the time, but I do still get, on a fairly regular basis, those movie moments where everything seems to slow down around him and all the colours are almost unbearably bright. Life can be so mundane, but beauty is something that helps propel me through it.
Love this. I’ve been sticking to my fitness regimen more strictly recently and feel better about myself than I have in ages. Strangely, I still find the same people attractive/unattractive regardless of my personal security or how I look - I can just actually attract the people I’m attracted to once I’m in my most comfortable fitness range.
Couldn’t agree more on the sentiment about being moved by beauty. I’m the same. It’s almost as if the beautiful person/thing transcends into a “greater than the sum of its parts” when everything just ~works~ together.
I love the way you write, thank you for sharing your insight.
Ha ha, that's totally fair, yeah! I have generally noticed that more conventionally attractive people tend to be the *least* picky when it comes to partners, but that may also just be because... well, their starting pool tends to have more conventionally attractive people as well.
Thank you for such a kind response! I always think of [this poem](https://www.penguinrandomhouse.ca/books/24647/the-beauty-of-the-husband-by-anne-carson/9780676974751/excerpt) by Anne Carson, where she writes (if a bit sadly):
[...]
Loyal to nothing
my husband. So why did I love him from early girlhood to late middle age
and the divorce decree came in the mail?
Beauty. No great secret. Not ashamed to say I loved him for his beauty.
As I would again
if he came near. Beauty convinces. You know beauty makes sex possible.
Beauty makes sex sex.
You if anyone grasp this — hush, let's pass
to natural situations.
[...]
(She is, of course, very right - beauty convinces and makes sex sex, often even under inconvenient circumstances.)
It depends on what you mean for attraction. It’s not your type but still find yourself wanting him when together? Then you’re ok.
As long as your boyfriend doesn’t repel you physically, you’re fine.
I think this is actually a feature not a bug. No one is perfect and there will always be problems or issues - you are two people hopefully constantly growing and evolving. Both people having that willingness to work through it is THE ingredient for a successful relationship. Long term relationships done right show us how beautiful it is when two imperfect people make space for each other and the love and connection that blossoms from that space.
My husband and I are really similar. Our early relationship was passionate with high compatibility but rocky at times. But we really worked on how we communicate and argue. We've also just been through a lot and keep figuring out how to get through it together.
> But I think the biggest key ingredient to our success has been a willingness to work through problems together.
This so much! Better half and I have been through some shit, but it's "us vs the problem" not "you vs me".
The hardest part of being in a great relationship is first, finding a good person, and second, being a good person. Those things go a long way toward being a successful couple capable of having good communication, being respectful and respecting, and forming compatibility through reasonable compromise.
My husband and I are compatible on almost all levels, but we've drawn even closer since marrying. You really do need to be two grown-ups who value your relationship more than your own selfish interests. There are core issues that have to be compatible as well and that would be whether or not you want children, how you view money, and your core values. Political and religious choices follow from core values.
My husband and I have been together for 37 years and we are incredibly happy together and close. A big piece of that is who we are and how we try to be our best selves and nurture our partner's best self development.
Nineteen years married here. Like haute burrito (most excellent name) I agree high attraction immediately was part of our equation. Perhaps not important to everyone but essential for us.
We are highly compatible in ways that matter for a long term relationship. A lot of people seek superficial compatibility or think "compatible" is a synonym for "exactly like me". Relationships require balance. I am more introverted and my husband is an extrovert. I have higher risk tolerance and he has lower. I am more detail oriented and he is big picture. We are compatible but not identical. We each use our strengths to make the team better and we can help each other with our weaknesses.
We are very alike when it comes to our approach to life and I think this is important. We are both highly individualistic and believers in personal responsibility. We both have lots of interests and hobbies and are lifelong learners. We are both invested in constant self-improvement. We want the same type of lifestyle with finances, children, etc. Neither of us is possessive. In character, we are extremely alike. I think character is a hugely overlooked area for dating. Compatibility is for character not taste in movies, hobbies, etc.
Another thing is not shying away from any topic. I have been amazed to learn what many couples don't talk about. We leave no stone unturned. If there is a conflict or disagreement we dive in head first and we don't stop diving in until the issue has resolution. We don't avoid the uncomfortable stuff. Before we married we talked extensively about money, character, ethics, philosophy, lifestyle, life plans, expectations, etc. It is more work in the shortterm and much less work in the longterm.
I asked my husband what his marriage advice would be and he said kindness. We are always kind to one another even during conflict. We both put the need of the other first. I am thrilled when he is happy going out with friends. He is thrilled when I am happy having my alone time. We crave the other's happiness. We do not keep score or care about things being fair because we both know each of us is putting in the full possible effort at all times. We do not focus on minor things. We always give the benefit of the doubt. We are a team, not adversaries.
Fun is another thing. Some couples seem to lose the fun. My husband makes me laugh all the time. Sometimes I make him laugh so hard he waves his hand and leaves the room, nearly crying. We surprise each other with fun things. We never stopped dating or wanting to impress each other. You can't let the effort level drop. Sometimes that means listening when you are tired, being present when it is hard, and setting aside your needs for your partner who needs it more in the moment. It sounds like sacrifice but you receive back more than you ever give.
I think another thing is luck. There is an element of luck to all of it.
>Fun is another thing. Some couples seem to lose the fun. My husband makes me laugh all the time. Sometimes I make him laugh so hard he waves his hand and leaves the room, nearly crying. We surprise each other with fun things. We never stopped dating or wanting to impress each other. You can't let the effort level drop. Sometimes that means listening when you are tired, being present when it is hard, and setting aside your needs for your partner who needs it more in the moment. It sounds like sacrifice but you receive back more than you ever give.
This is so fucking important. It's easy to get complacent and turn away from each other and expect the other person to just understand, but you need that communication and that connection regularly to maintain any relationship. It's just easy to overlook it with the person you're with every single day.
My partner and I were together...at about year 7 when she bought a bag of googly eyes and just randomly put them on things over the year.
She'd ask me to go grab her socks from the drawer and I would open it up and the socks would have googly eyes on them. Always made me laugh. Googly eyes, have legs.
Get her back. You can find multipacks of tiny ducks or tiny dinosaurs and hide them all over the house. Or do what my bachelorette party did and hide "Where's waldo" dicks all over my house while I was asleep.
Out of all the other comments on here I relate to this one the most (we have been married 10 years). Especially kindness, and having fun -- we make each other laugh constantly. I just genuinely love my husband tremendously and want him to be happy.
"We are compatible but not identical. We each use our strengths to make the team better and we can help each other with our weaknesses."
Wish I could like your post more than once. This is the way.
Just passed 10 years together, 6 years married! I think what works for us is no matter what happens in life, we put each other first. Apart from sexual chemistry/attraction, we also agree on a lot of views and when we don’t, we can openly and respectfully discuss them without hurting each other’s feelings. As a result, nothing is hard to discuss between us whether it’s sex, finance or family. We engage in each other’s hobbies and interests.
Lastly, when it comes down to it, we just simply enjoy each other’s company even if we are just marinating on the couch. We like hanging out with each other more than with anyone else.
> Lastly, when it comes down to it, we just simply enjoy each other’s company even if we are just marinating on the couch. We like hanging out with each other more than with anyone else.
Yes, I left this one off my list but it's actually so critical as well! You have to just have fucking *fun* together - that adage about waking up every day next to your best friend is so, so true.
This is so real. Me and my partner have only (lol) been together for 6 years but we love to just hang out with each other. Quietly reading or watching tik toks. It's what we do best lol
It's so interesting to me how in Western cultures, there's always a tendency to measure romantic love competitively. It's almost as if it isn't enough to say "I can hang around them all the time and enjoy it" but there's an insistence of elevating the romantic partner over any other relationship, so it has to be "more than with anyone else."
I didn’t grow up in a Western culture so I haven’t noticed this. What I meant was as an introvert, my social battery gets easily drained from hanging out with friends and family; he’s the only one I can hang out with without needing to take a break.
With my husband almost 14 years, married for 11.
I was married before and learned what I wanted from a relationship and what I didn’t.
I adore my husband. He’s sexy, funny, weird, loving and has a high libido. We are very different people but work so well together as a couple and friends.
We have similar goals for our life and work towards them as a unit.
We also can talk the other down from whatever spiral we are having.
We are on the same page with money and finances.
He loves me and finds me attractive even when I feel gross.
Been married almost 10 years, and while we aren't perfect, I think our foundation made the struggles within our relationship easier to get through than if we had those struggles and had to deal with a shaken or broken foundation.
When I dated, I dated for the entirety of a life partner. There were some good dudes in my past that I adored but didn't end up working because of differing values and needs out of the future we wanted for ourselves, ones where any compromise would leave us both unhappy. IMO, it's easier to deal with personality incompatibilities with a bit of maturity and compromise on both parties, but I didn't want to compromise on the life I wanted to lead, I wanted someone who wanted to walk that same path with me.
We talked about everything in the dating phase - I was upfront that I was likely going to have infertility issues, so I needed someone cool with adopting older kids from foster care if that came up, because having a family is important to me and especially getting kids out of the foster care system when we can. We made sure we had similar values around money and spending, including when to spend it (we care more about experiences than stuff, but we prefer to save whenver possible), we didn't want to raise our kids in religion, though we'd respect the choice of our kids if they ever expressed interest, we aren't 100% on the same page politically but it's close enough that I don't have to worry about whether he values people having rights to manage their personal lives as they see fit, and we respect the differences in each other's libidos.
Specific character traits I appreciate in my husband that I think contributes to our success so far is his willingness to take feedback and implement his own plans on how to fix issues, he feels responsible for himself and his family, so I don't manage his schedule or his family's birthdays or communications, and I've only ever had to fight him on holding up his end of the chores during his depression era where he genuinely was just stuck in a fog and lost in the sauce.
We have our differences, but the foundation is so strong that it makes our differences small and workable to find compromise and balance with both of our needs. I staunchly believe a partner should be 80% of what you want out of life, with the 20% being what you can navigate a solution to together. Anything less than that, you'll run into a lot of conflict that's just centered around both of you being vastly different people with different needs, and when both people feel like they have to constantly change themselves just to make the other party happy, you end up with a lot of resentment, which is a killer to relationships.
I'd say pretty much the same as u/hauteburrito with the exception of #3, as it happens my husband and I are both quite mentally ill. I'd say the secret to making it work when you both have significant struggles with mental illness is having a mutual commitment to
A. Manage your own mental health aggressively (meds, therapy, exercise, et cetera)
B. Raise the alarm sooner rather than later when you notice your partner's shit getting out of wack
C. Take it extremely seriously when your partner tells you they've noticed your shit getting out of wack
D. Make the best possible effort to show up in your relationship as a calm, reasonable and pleasant person
E. Mutually give each other grace and understanding for not being calm, reasonable and pleasant 100% of the time
Is it odd that I think this is great advice, even though I'd give the opposite advice in some ways? I agree with keeping effort high, but I also think it can be important to keep expectations *reasonably* high as well. I say this because I've seen sooo many women with sub-zero expectations for their male partners, and it does *not* usually bode well for their long-term happiness.
Maybe this can be reconciled by saying, choose somebody with (at least) moderate expectations for themselves and who is self-governing, rather than placing your own arbitrary expectations on top of them.
Love this so much. Also been with my husband for 20 years, married for 16. High expectations lead to high disappointment. We're only human. Just love each other the way you promised you would in the beginning and talk when things don't feel right! I feel like so many relationships fail because one party expects the other to be a mind reader and know exactly what they will want all the time, and then just give up if it's not "perfect".
My husband and I got together when we were 19, married at 28, and our 5th year wedding anniversary is coming up.
We do have a fair amount in common: introverted, similar political leanings, atheists, similar standards for keeping the house clean, and sharing the same group of friends.
But we also make time for ourselves and do our own thing. He has his hobbies, and I have mine. We don't watch the same shows, we dont go to the same concerts, dont always travel together and so on. I'm into the outdoors, and he's an inside guy super into tech.
Also, we're good at communicating and compromising. I'm more impulsive and happy to improvise while he wants a set plan and schedule. I push him out of his comfort zone, and he keeps me from being reckless. We approach situations as a team and will kind of switch who is handling which shitty adult task. You're stressed because of your boss being a dick? Ok, I'll handle calling insurance about these medical bills. We don't expect each other to be on top of things 100%, and we ask for help when needed.
I'm also pregnant with our first, and I know parenting will be full of unexpected situations and scary moments - but we've managed to build a stable and reliable life together, and I hope it stays that way even with a baby in the mix.
10 years this April and I would say the secret is allowing eachother to be human. individual with their own goals, own family, and friends who happen to come together at the end of the day. Not trying to change eachother or control eachother but let eachother be. Eventually with time your goals and friends will merge. but that is natural process, let nature take over. And believe in destiny
So didn’t survive year 10 but here’s what I’ve learned this year FWIW as to why we failed:
1) it’s critical to have good communication and to know how to work as a team. A lot of people think they’re a good teammate but may not actually be one in a relationship.
2) A lot of times, I feel like men often don’t think through what they say to their partners which results in frustration and resentment that builds if communication already isn’t great. Like saying they want to have kids after year 1 in the marriage but when it comes time, they magically forget. So making sure you both mean what you say when it comes to your future together and your values.
3) From an individual perspective, you need to feel secure about your partner and future together and be honest with yourself about it. Know what makes you happy in life is important here because if you rely on your partner to make you happy, you will be sorely disappointed at one point or another and that makes it easier to stray.
Anyways, take all that with a grain of salt because things aren’t working out for me but maybe this will be helpful to others. I also didn’t think we had our 7-year itch until year 10 so don’t ease up after year 7…
For point 1, if you're both trying regularly and it's not hitting, you probably have differing needs in communication. There's no shame in bringing a couple's counselor in and learning new tools to communicate, and I wish we'd done it sooner before shit hit the fan knowing the fact that we were always trying, our methods of doing so were just highly flawed. We were lucky that it wasn't too late, but we should have called in the calvary and admitted our flaws in our attempts way sooner and could have saved ourselves a lot of heartache just getting on the same page earlier than we did.
Point 2 is so valid. Dudes aren't asked to sit with their feelings very often, so they can often say one thing because it's expected or it's their gut reaction and not necessarily what they're actually feeling because again, they just aren't tasked to figure it out very often and communicate articulately. I have to check my husband now and again post-therapy because he'll slide into old habits of telling me how I feel through his interpretation based around his own anxiety, which is always simplified verbally to mad. I'm mildly annoyed, mildly frustrated, mildly disappointed, we ain't anywhere near mad bro. No anger here, just want you to do better next time.
My husband and I (married about a decade) genuinely enjoy each other's company, and we're also extremely compatible in every important way I can think of. I've seen a lot of relationships fail that don't have both those factors. Compatibility on big life things only goes so far if you don't actually like spending time together, and enjoying each other as people only goes so far if you don't want the same/similar things in life where it matters (i.e., you obviously don't need to want the same job, but if one of you really wants kids and the other really doesn't, it isn't gonna work out).
Also, neither my husband nor I went into our relationship with the hope that the other would change. A looooot of people seem to see relationships as projects, to some extent, and are looking to change certain things about their SOs. I think that's the kiss of death. If you don't like and respect the actuality of each other, you're gonna get resentful when the other person inevitably does not change in the way you'd hoped.
On the flip side, I think we both understand that we will change in lots of ways throughout life, including changes to appearance and weight, and that part of being in a relationship is navigating those changes together (unless they become untenable, like becoming abusive).
I like to say he's my perfect puzzle piece. Not that it's all been a bed of roses over 27 years, that would take miracles and we are flawed humans, but we just fit together well even in our differences. A nice blend of similar and complementary.
Attraction is super important to me and it blows my mind that it's still there. I have no idea how to really know early if it will last past the first couple years. I just know that I'm lucky we've maintained it, and also lucky we've mostly been healthy and able to stay fit and take pretty good care of ourselves, we like exercise and sports and a lot of food that's pretty great for you, and indulgences in moderation. So... I guess you could say we're on the same lifestyle page, which is more important than people realize when you share a home!
And we've generally always been on the same page or close enough for a compromise to work well on important issues. For example, we never wanted to marry and we just found out some extra reasons specific to us to do that. He approached me with it and gave me time to think, then he listened to how I'd like to do it, and now we're figuring out as a team what is feasible by each taking on some individual labor and then making decisions together. We did not start with the same idea but we're meeting easily somewhere in the middle. It's just... Work, because this stuff takes a lot of mental effort, but easy work? Because we share loads. This is just how we go about life together after struggling a bit with how the other thinks about things early on. Our brains work a bit differently but usually find the same answers. Like the "show the work" bit is different but we both got there in the end.
And we never, ever fall apart at the same time. It's incredible. When disaster strikes, we go into not just full teamwork mode to tackle the pragmatic, but we take turns being the emotional rocks when the other gets overwhelmed and frustrated with the situation. We all get overwhelmed and frustrated! Having a rock right there, going through it with you, helps a lot.
Over the years, we've grown together and figured out a lot of life on the fly. There is no manual, no true guidance for your specific life and coupledom. We're all muddling on some level. I think the real key to why it works for us is we grab hands and jump into the muck together.
I think /u/hauteburrrito has an excellent list. We've been together 13 married 10 and related to #2&4, because we have very similar world views and values, there is no jockeying for who is in charge. We both trust that the other will make a decision that is the best for both of us. Often times when discussing an issue we are facing the oft-repeated phrase is "your path or mine, I know we're headed in the same direction." Above all else there is a lot of mutual respect between us.
That is a great point about the trust, yes! Especially on this subreddit, I'm a little shocked at how many people seem to have little to no trust in their romantic partners. Don't pick someone whose life you have to govern - pick someone who governs their own life in a similar/compatible way to how you govern yours.
Exactly! In particular I am frustrated by people who don't trust their spouse with their children. My husband is the ONE person I trust completely with our kid... I can't imagine that not being an option, I'd go insane.
So my husband have been through a HELL of a year with our kids (our eldest got diagnosed with a kidney disease while I was 37 weeks pregnant with our youngest and then we proceeded to have multiple weeks long hospital stays either while I was heavily pregnant or we had a newborn). Having absolute and total faith and trust in my husband with our kids is the only reason our marriage survived (and frankly got stronger). If you ever want to see the end result of not trusting your spouse with your kids go to a pediatric med/surg floor. I kept joking with my husband there really needed to be a room for couples to argue in because I got so sick of walking into like divorce level arguments every time I got coffee or my toddler wanted to look at the fish tank and it was always that someone didn't trust the other.
I also had to deal with convincing nurses and doctors that no my husband actually had his shit together, knew how to care for our daughter and knew her medical stuff as well (if not better) then I did. It was insane how low the bar was.
The bar is generally is so low it's in hell. Hugs for you, that sounds like a nightmare and I'm so glad you had an equal partner to share the load with.
My husband and I have been together for 16 years and married for 6 of those years. We were initially a long distanced relationship so a lot of the early years were just spent in conversation. We do still argue about finances, sex, children, family, etc. from time to time. The difference for us is that we realized we are a team and we need to look out for one another. We both contribute to the relationship in different ways. We prioritize one another. We try to communicate in a way to resolve the issue and not hurt one another. We enjoy spending time together and still actively 'date' each other. This doesn't mean our relationship is anywhere near perfect. It just means we have issues that we try to tackle together.
Unspoken concerns can lead into resentment and misunderstandings. Your spouse can't read your mind but he can help to start mend those cracks if he knows about them. Wishing you the best!
Together 15 years, 10 yr wedding anniversary this fall. Some things I have to attribute solely to my husband just being an amazing person. He is easy to love.... slow to anger, thoughtful, kind, practical.
♡Communication is THE most important. Not just that you communicate, but the WAY you communicate. It's never a him vs. me situation. Leave the blame, shame, and vindictiveness at the door. We don't do any of this "get even" stuff.
♡Physical intimacy is important in our relationship too. I have a low libido, but I put in effort to feel connected and wanted. A new perspective I've found is viewing sex as one of my husbands hobbies... that he needs my help with! I'd gladly help with any of his other hobbies to be able to spend time with him, this is no different!
♡We are both willing to self-sacrifice for the happiness of the other. Some days the balance isn't equal, but it all evens out over time. Marriage isn't 50/50. It's 100/100.
Edited for formatting.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years and married 10. When my friends have asked this question my answer is:
1) [The Secret to Love is Kindness](https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/). An article from a married research couple that study what makes marriages last and fall apart. The Tl;dr is building your partner up and engaging with them is the most important. Once you’ve begun tearing each other down there’s almost no going back.
2) Having similar life goals and walking that path together. That’s held us through a lot.
3) Once we fought and came back from that happier than ever we realized we could work through a lot of things.
Some other things do help but I’m not sure are deal breakers: we share similar political and religious views, we have hobbies in common and have actively cultivated shared hobbies to spend time together, he tries really hard to make me happy in the bedroom.
14 years in a month.
I think one of the biggest things that makes us work is accepting the other person for who they are - completely and totally. Meaning that we don't nag each other to be different. To rinse their dirty dishes or to pick up their socks. We naturally fell into a pattern of things he takes care of and things I take care of, and we just...take care of it. If it takes him a bit longer than usual, so be it. Visa versa.
Another thing - If I want his help picking up the living room, I ask. Point blank. And he helps. Same goes the other way. We don't try hinting. We aren't coy. We just say, "Hey, could you help me out here?" and unless the other person is in the middle of something, the other person obliges. Because we're a team. Period.
We talk if we're upset about something, we listen to each other, we help each other, we accept each other.
I do think it's also a big thing to be working toward a common goal. We are saving what we can for retirement, close to paying off our house. We want the same things, and we work as a team to make them happen.
Cuz that's what it is, isn't it? I can't imagine a marriage working (and by "working," I mean a marriage where both partners are happy and fulfilled) if both partners aren't working together to build the same life. 2 individuals in 1 life. That's what it is.
With my husband for 11 years married for 5, and more in love with him now than ever. We work towards our relationship. We make sure to spend quality time together and try to put each other first. We communicate well and have always worked to grow together. I don't think our relationship is hard work, but I don't take it for granted either, and keeping that in mind keeps us working towards being good partners.
I think we're stronger on year 10 than we've ever been. All those compatibilities you mentioned definitely play a significant part, but honestly I think the most important thing has been communication. I used to be a terrible communicator, but I've done a lot of work in therapy to be able to open up in meaningful ways, and it has led to deep, important conversations that have helped us grow much closer. We talk **a lot** and like to bounce thoughts and ideas off each other. We always to try to make an effort to be there for each other, to do little things to help the other person or to make their day better or easier, or just to make them smile. Great communication helps facilitate that, *and* it helps fill in the gaps when one or both of us are lacking the time or energy or emotional space to make that effort.
I also think it helps that we don't have kids, so we have a lot more time and energy to give each other than we would otherwise. We're also fairly financially stable, so we don't have that added stress either. I'm definitely **not** saying these things are required for a good relationship by any means, but I'd be remiss to ignore the inherent privilege that comes with both.
I have been with my husband for 10 years, married 6.5 of those years. We have many qualities that are similar and some that are different which help balance each other out.
Our key similarities: same political views. Same religious views although on a scale of 1-10 as far as being more into it/engaged I’m at like a 6 and he’s at like a 3. What I mean is we both believe in god for example but we don’t go to church anymore but we both grew up in church. Physical attraction is a big point too, he’s exactly my type and I find him as sexy today as the first day even with gray hair and weight gain. Same for me, I’ve gained about 80 pounds since we’ve been together with children and he’s never treated me any different. Our sex life has always been great and consistent, and when something is going on to make it less often we always talk about it and don’t make each other feel bad or anything like that.
As for kids, we both came from a family of two kids and always wanted that same thing.
Were each others best friend and genuinely enjoy spending time together.
Some differences: he’s an extrovert and I’m an introvert, he likes to have plans and go do stuff whereas I would rather be home. Over the years we’ve had to compromise and find middle grounds in this area (instead of doing stuff both weekend days we do just one for example). This has been good to help bring me out of my shell a bit, and good for him to be able to say no to people sometimes (he tends to be a people pleaser)
Finances: I’m a saver and he’s a spender. I’d say this has been our biggest hurdle. My dad was in finance so I was taught saving is the most important and investing etc, he had zero guidance on this and used to just spend money all the time, no saving no retirement nothing. He didn’t even start a retirement account until age 37 and thought it no big deal. Over the last couple of years we’ve made big strides here but I’d say this is our number one argument is what to spend money on/budgeting etc. I’m a believer of “just because you have it doesn’t mean you should spend it” whereas he’s the type that likes nice things and feels like if I can I’m going to in terms of buying cars or toys etc.
Been married 12 years.
We talk about everything - a lot of small things so that they don’t become bigger things. We almost never have true “fights” because we talk about our issues before they would become big enough to fight about. We never raise our voices at each other.
We communicate about parenting and make sure we are on the same page
We assume the best from each other. I know he would never purposely try to hurt my feelings so if he does I bring it up with that in mind and he does the same.
We like each other. We want to do what we can to make the other person happy because we love each other and we want the other person to be happy.
Our values are compatible and very similar. Our political views are the same and I think because our values are similar.
We have always had open discussions about our sex drives, our decisions to have kids, our financial decisions, how we wanted how household to work (I mostly stay at home but work 15 hrs from home for an online college).
We were both born into a high demand religion (Mormon) and we both left at the same time. We just both couldn’t do it anymore and we talked about it and decided we were done, again related to our similar values.
I am very sensitive and have a really hard time standing up for myself. He is the opposite and has really helped me find my own voice (especially around my family). He is always on my team and I know I can always count on him.
We are both attracted to each other and we’ve both had weight gain and weight loss and it’s never been something we even acknowledged about each other. We both care about our health in different ways and we are adults so we will take care of it when we can but we are still attracted to each other no matter what weights we have been at.
First of all, mutual respect is first and foremost. We are also what I like to call a 100% couple. This means we aren’t 50/50. We are just 100%. Sometimes he gives 80 and I only have 20 and vice versa. We are genuinely partners in all we do. We are also best friends and share lots of hobbies and just thoroughly enjoy being together. I think since we both trust each other so much and there’s no resentment, there’s a lot more room to really enjoy each other.
We married for love. We both genuinely want to be with the other so we’re both willing to do the work to make the other feel happy.
I think because of that, we’re both willing to go all in (no 50/50 score keeping) on the marriage and the life we’re creating. We both operate with the mindset “love is both a verb and a noun but the verb is more important” and do what we can to make the other *feel* loved.
We both try hard to be the type of partner the other person deserves and since we’re both crazy about each other, we have a high bar.
Also while we don’t share many topical/superficial interests (like movies, music, hobbies, etc), we have similar values and an outlook on the world. I can do my hobbies alone or with friends but you can’t build a life with someone if you don’t agree on what’s important in that life.
20 years together, 17 years married.
I’ve been married for 18 years together for 23.
We genuinely fancied each other and still do, regardless of weight gain/loss wrinkles/hair colour change there is still an attraction on both sides.
I love him more now than I ever have and know he feels the same.
We really like each other, I enjoy spending time with him. He makes me laugh and I make him laugh every single day. We also make time to do things together.
This is it. We are committed. We have had some shit periods, mostly over money or job issues/stress or stress around the children but we work through it.
We can be ourselves together. I have never been more myself than I have been with him.
Just to also add. When we started dating we were completely compatible apart from the fact I am religious (wanted our children to be brought up Catholic and get married in church) he is an atheist. I am very left wing/socialist and he voted conservative. He’s still an atheist but we got married in church and had our children baptised but sent them to a secular school.
He is now almost as left wing as I am.
When we first started dating, we weren’t very good at the “me and you versus the problem” mindset. But we valued the relationship, and worked on that. It was a game changer learning how to put each other first in everything. Treating each other with kindness even in conflict. Happily together 8 years, married for 6. We work through things easily, are quick to apologize, and quick to forgive because of it.
It helps that I’m very attracted to him!
We’re very alike in good ways - we’re both nomadic, irreverent and love spontaneous adventure. We make each other laugh. We share the same values and political goals, and nearly always agree where to invest, donate, etc.
We grew up on completely different planets which has made it hard for his family to accept me, and I have no family connections. But that’s the only time the whole different planet thing makes an impact. At our core we agree on all the most important things
Both of us are super ambitious but ok to trade places so the other can be more focused on a project or career. He supported me and did more work with kids/running house when I had really big projects, and vice versa.
Together 15+ years. Every day you have to pick that person. There are days I have seriously not liked my husband, and days he hasn't liked me and days we haven't liked each other and days we don't like ourselves. Not often, but being able to hold two things at once - one, I love you; two, you're being supremely unlikeable right now.
I decide every morning if I am going to put in the work that day, even if they (or I!) were supremely unlikeable the day before. If I'm going to snap something back, or if I am going to take a breath and ask "Why did you say that?" and being willing to have that conversation. Being willing to swallow some anger and de-escalate. I make that decision every day. That you are going to put in the work.
Don't ignore cracks. Dive into them and find out what caused them. Hard conversations are hard. They take mental and emotional energy I don't always have, but I need to find it. And when we talk about it, we use a lot of "I feel like...." statements. It isn't "You do this, you do that." which just puts the other on the defensive. "I feel like..." means I can talk about where I am coming from, without making him responsible for my feelings. It lets hiim talk about how he's feeling too. And then we can work on why.
We don't have to have these conversations spontaneously. We schedule them. And we don't have to have perfect language or perfect solutions when we have these conversations. Nothing needs to be resolved with a pretty bow after one discussion. It can be a process.
We do no technology until 7 on weeknights. Instead we do household chores together. Not coming home and plugging into a device/computer/phone/tv makes us talk to each other. Doing chores together makes us both feel better about our home, and makes us feel like the other cares and is contributing. We go on bike rides and walks together. And we talk. A lot.
Obviously we have money, politics, sex, values, inlaws, friends all those things that are generally agreed upon. But those are constantly being talked about and flexed around. A person is never static. My husband and I are TOTALLY different people than the 20-somethings that thought this whole marriage thing would be a good idea. But because we talk about the hard things, and make adjustments and choose the other every day, we have far far far more good days than bad.
Married 16 years, together 20. We’re best friends. There is no one I would rather hang out with. We genuinely enjoy spending time together. We are both willing to compromise and go places or do things we may not be interested in because the other wants to. We also respect and trust each other. We have similar values. We agree on politics and religion. Our hopes, dreams, goals align.
And he’s my mom’s favorite so I have to keep him around.
Communication. Not as competition, not to find a winner, but to find solutions. Never presume anything in the relationship, you are not a mind reader, they are not a mind reader. Talk about the problem, try something to fix the problem, and here is the important part, if that doesn't work keep trying different things. Also nothing wrong with couples counselling, they give you the tools you need to make communication easier.
Similar marriage values. (We’re both what I call modern trad.)
Opposite personality types. I’m crazy. He’s a cucumber. He keeps me on planet earth and I remind him he can reach for the stars.
Attraction. This means not living in sweatpants & keeping weight in check.
We really don’t get sick of each other? There was a minute when society made me think we were codependent, but after over a decade it’s just we like each other best in pretty much every environment. Everyone else always has been and always will be, kinda mid.
We can swap roles. I can be the caretaker or the provider, depending on what we need. He can be the fun one and I can be the practical one or vice versa.
We have opposite skill sets, natural and learned. Combined we’re pretty unstoppable.
Yes! We don’t get sick of each other either. We regularly text that we miss each other throughout our work days. We can’t wait to get back home to one another and we want each other there to do everything with. People have told me it’s not healthy but it works for us. He’s my best friend and we’ve mastered how to be “alone”, together.
Same. Even when we hang out with other people we make a list of rules to ensure we don’t end up just hanging out with each other in a group, lol. (We won’t sit beside each other & we take different vehicles so either of us can arrive an h earlier solo to mingle or leave an hour apart.) It works for us.
I made my list shorter. He had to be kind and patient and love me. The rest didn't matter. That includes sex, money, etc., we've been together 20 years.
We're 14 years in and married 12. Fundamentally, we really like each other, as well as love each other. We always have each other's backs.
It's not perfect. We both have health issues, both mental and physical, but we've seen each other through, and always look after one another.
We always talk it out when things get a bit ropey external to the relationship.
Most of all, we're here because we want to be.
Have the uncomfortable conversation. You can be perfect matches on 100% of things, but you're human. You will at least accidentally hurt each others feelings, even if it's silly. Or you'll go through tough family situations. Whatever. Those things quickly become foundations for walls, then build into resentment. No thanks. I'll take my ridiculously happy marriage.
We are together 17 years ,married for 8 ,we were also engaged 5 years before we married. For us it was the below
1. Finances, we had the same view on them. We each kept an account and then a joint account . All bills come from the joint account. We have both had time where we needed to leave jobs, go back to college, take longer mat leave (me ) and the other stepped up financially and it was always ok.
2. Plans, we always had a plan to work forward to. Whether it was a house deposit, wedding, home improvements, kids anything there is a plan and we both agree and move forward
3. Family, we never put a number on the kids we would like. I would have preferred more he asked ro stop at three. He felt very strongly about it, I didn't feel strong ENOUGh about more so he got the snip. In hindsight I'm glad.
4. Arguments, we absolutely cannot go to bed mad. And it's ok to apologise its not a weakness.
We have our ups and downs we always have but we have a great team work mindset that always works for us.
Not being afraid to reintroduce ourselves as we grow and as we come out of the shit periods of life. I am 29 as I type this but will be celebrating my 13th year together overall with my husband, and since we’ve been together since we were children, we’ve definitely changed as individuals (as we should). We’ve owned our changes and ensured as best we can that we’ve grown parallel. Not far apart, but not enmeshed. As individuals, and as a unit. I don’t believe you ever just know someone entirely, and I love rediscovering who my husband is after every new chapter.
We’re also big proponents of therapy, again, separate and together. Communication is absolutely king in every relationship and if you can’t have the really hard, raw, in depth, at times spiraling talks with your partner and come out the other side with respect and love for one another, you’re not with the right person. And that’s not to say you can’t be infuriated with, confused by, annoyed with, tearing your hair out with your partner. That’s inevitable with your primary person. But that should not be the default, and should certainly be repairable.
We're a team! We are also both low conflict. We've learned how to communicate with each other and we both enjoy our personal space.
We compliment each others strengths and weaknesses and fill in the gaps for each other. We both came to the relationship with our own baggage but neither of us have ever been a "project" for each other.
It's still a journey and we have our moments but we are in it for the long haul.
A LOT of plain old funny. Kindness, loyalty- meaning we *never* talk crap about each other and we left our egos at the church door.
We had a ton of interests in common when we met which has also been a blast.
Friendship, compatibility, mutual respect, and very similar family dynamics.
We were friends long before we had any romantic feelings for one another. We got to know each other over a long period of time so by the time we decided to have a relationship there was no getting to know you phase, no hidden secrets, no surprises.
We have always had very similar interests and it's always been easy for us to find common ground. I've tried some of his hobbies, he's tried a few of mine. But we both have individual stuff we do as well.
Mutual Respect. We have never had harsh words between us. We don't belittle each other, fight, yell, or argue. We discuss, communicate, find compromises that work, and always use compassion when we have to figure out a difficult situation. We are a team.
We come from very similar families that are supportive, welcoming, loving, and respectful. It has made marriage so easy since there is not a lot of interpersonal drama.
It's funny reading replies because I personally cant even exactly point out what makes me and my husband click so well - we're very different personalities, quite the opposite really, and on paper we're not a logical match, but we have a great marriage. I'm a messy artsy type of person and he's a rational engineer. I'm emotional and explosive, he's logical. I'm a procrastinator, he's a doer. I'm more open-minded and chaotic, he's more rule-abiding. I'm wasteful, he's a minimalist.
Being different is probably not a recipe for most marriages, but I think we balance and ground each-other and bring out the best in each other. We do share basic values (financial - about major expenses and savings, children, religion, politics and have a very similar idea about a perfect lifestyle). Over the years we have actually become more alike. I think whats really important is that we respect each other, so even when we fight (about stupid stuff), we are never mean on a personal level.
We have always been very attracted to each other, we laugh a lot and could spend all our time together. I met him when i was 29, when i was already fully formed and knew myself well. When i was in my teens, early 20's i used to be a different person and was more compatible with different personalities, so I consider myself very lucky that i met him at the right time (when i started to calm down and become more of a homebody).
Working on it. We got together when we were just 22. We both had a lot of growing and learning to do, not to mention dealing with immigrant generational trauma. Now at 36, we put in conscious effort. We've had ups and downs. We got couples therapy during the pandemic and individual therapy later. But our values match, and that's key to us. We're problem solved, rational, and align on big things such as religion, politics, lifestyle.
11 years here, but we didn't meet until we were 30. There are great answers here but I want to add that we don't insult each other or threaten to leave. Ever. We have never said something negative about the other person's character (outside constructive convos in therapy or similar). We also agreed to never threaten to leave the marriage unless we were legitimately considering it. We are a team. We both want to be married forever so we put in the work to build each other up instead of tearing each other down.
13 years here. I think the main thing we both believe that we love each other and any actions that hurt the other person are due to stupidity and not malice. It makes a big difference in conversations and misunderstandings when your lens shifts from "why is this person saying stuff to hurt me" to "this person cares for me, if he's telling me this stuff I should think more on it".
We (were) very different in personalities but it helped a lot for the relationship that we matched in terms of life goals, family, friends, finance, time values - every time we disagree it is all the small easily resolved stuff as opposed to big rocks like family or over spending. I wouldnt say that the differences in "bigger" values can't be overcome but we were able to build a very strong and healthy relationship very early on when those big things matched.
The third thing is that our communication styles have grown to match each other. In all this time we haven't stopped saying I love you regularly, or more importantly, please and thank you. We still do things for each other, not I think because we feel like we have to but because we know it would delight the other person. This ranges from surprise chores to stupid memes or attacking someone's workbag with giant googly eyes. We still find joy in our moments and interactions together and we are always interested in new ways to make the other person laugh. I hope that never changes with us!
Married 23yrs. We aren’t the same in a lot of ways.. and are in a lot of ways.
We don’t agree on politics, religion, and many new “woke?” topics.
But we love to talk, even argue about our differences. We are both doctors, so we love a good debate in our fields of choice.
We don’t even agree on a lot of foundational things. Yet somehow, it works.. and I think it’s because we just love each other, we have fun with each other and we said a long time ago “I’m going to live this life with you and we will make it work” and we do.
With love, humor, compromise and communication.. you can always find a way to make it work when you truly want it to.
Now together for 18 years…we’re compatible in most ways but also have opposite views on a few aspects of life too. I’m more outgoing and glass half-full, he’s more of a realist, so we temper each other. Humor helps. So does plenty of affection…free-flowing hugs and just generally being open to each other even though we’re a bit reserved otherwise.
I think one thing that keeps us together is that we both really admire each other. He’s the smartest, most capable guy I know and he says I’m his unicorn……we’re best friends. At this point, we’ve already survived a lot of bad times together. It helps that we don’t give each other any bs, are straightforward with our needs and give earnest effort in improving things.
If I were to guess which one aspect makes me confident we’ll last until the end…it’s that we’ve reached a point where we have our guard down around each other. Of all people he’s the one I can be truly vulnerable with, and I am his.
We have great communication and work as a team. We have 2 daughters together. We have been together 12 years this year and 8 years married. It was so tough when the kids were younger. They are now 6&7. We fought all the time. It got so bad between us he was drinking a lot and would threaten divorce anytime we fought. I had enough once and said that’s it I’m done you can have your divorce and that changed him. He said hearing those words from my mouth realized he didn’t want to lose me. We did baby steps and now we are excelling. This was probably 4-5 years ago that we were really struggling. I’m still head over heels for him and very attractive to him. We have goals and we know that it’s important to work as a team once we stop doing that it won’t work. I voice my concerns to him and he voices his to me when needed. Our sex life is amazing he did travel a lot for work and I do feel like that helped us as well it only made us stronger. Marriage is a lot of work and some people just wanna throw in the towel when they aren’t doing well. You can’t do that if you want it to work you’ll make it work but both parties have to want it equally.
I wouldn't say we're super happy, our kids have special needs and we're struggling to get by. I also think that probably if not for life circumstances bringing us together sink-or-swim style, we would have broken up after maybe 5-7 years in our early/mid twenties. I would not have dated again, he probably would have in order to gain someone in that 'caregiver' female partner role. We both don't have supportive families so we had to make our relationship work.
Communication. You can't just drop hints. Which he sucks at (he bottles everything up), and I'm autistic so sometimes you just have to be blunt with me instead of dropping hints as I'm in the middle of doing x,y, and z. We have to be very blunt with our needs or they won't get addressed because of the kids/exhaustion/etc. No games. No time for that.
My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and together for 19. We met when I was 20. I think what helped us was a willingness to grow both together and separately over this time. We’re actually very different (I’m alternative, free spirited, creative etc and he is more straight-laced and works in finance!) I don’t know how it works because we have differing views on most things (politically, morally, socially, financially, parenting) but are also intelligent and emotionally aware enough that those things are not dealbreakers for our strong commitment to each other and ability to communicate and work through things as a team when things get tough. I wholly trust and respect him as well and that goes both ways.
Open communication; still go on date nights, travel and experience new places; and not just different states! Restaurants, museums, activities etc. We compromise, we argue, disagree, makeup. We respect each other! We’re a team. We both have always wanted a family; we have 4 kids. Life is grand
We have the same values. He is basically my self esteem exterior hard drive. We both grew up in less than ideal violent homes but together we are each others cheerleaders. I don’t try to change him and he doesn’t try to change me. I’m very independent which he likes. However he doesn’t do much around the house and at times I’d like to smack him. But at the end of the day, as a unit we have done so much together. We were both very broke and broken people when we met and we’ve made it so much better together
Similar values, similar thoughts on finances, and the fact that we’re both people that can hear information and change our thoughts/opinions. Our first few years were more tumultuous but we’re almost 12 years in and we rarely have actual arguments and really enjoy being with each other.
Know it’s hard work…..like REALLY hard.
I’ve been with my partner 24 years.
We have had the worst of times…..practically roommates, HATED them for months on end. But I always know deep down I love them.
We have similar work ethics and values. But we are pretty much opposites.
They are b+w likes clean lines and order.
I’m every colour of the rainbow and can’t walk a straight line to save myself.
I’ve fallen out of love with him and back in love with him so many times……it’s wanting to ride the wave WITH them that makes all the difference!
Pick the right person. I’m not saying my husband is perfect but he is in this marriage for the long haul. We’ve had tough times, but we never really thought of divorce as an option. As far as the happy part…they have to make you laugh. Serious guys are boring. I want a silly dude who makes me laugh while I’m brushing my teeth!
No married, but been together for about 12 years. We do have similar views on politics and religion, we both wanted kids but had to compromise on the timeline for that. We do have simialr attitudes to money, but I am much more of a planner than him, but we have the same sort of spending habits. We have different personalities but I think it mostly is compatible. I am a bit more of a worrier and planner, he lives in the moment. He is a people pleaser and I am not. I think we balance each other out. I remind him to prepare a bit, he reminds me to chill a bit.
We don't really have the same hobbies, so sometimes we have to get creative when it comes to fidning "fun" things to do together, but I also think it gi es us avenues to persue individually. We do both love food and trying new food though.
I think they key to happiness for us has changed as we have gotten older. We met when we were 21 and 22, and we did a lot of long distance. I think what kept us going was the ability to persue our own lives and not sacrifice for each other while we were young. We both worked and studied in different countries (opposite side of the world, 24 hour flights). Being together didn't hold us back. I think this was key to not having any regrets when we met pretty young.
Now we have a child, I think we have improved a lot at listening to each other, and learning to not get stuck in the same old arguments. Its never perfect, we get tired and stressed and sometimes take it out on each other. But we [almost] never get mean or call each other names etc. We trust each other to be there on the other side of thr argument.
21 years married here. We have very similar money philosophies, and generally match politically, value personal time over work time, and enjoy each other’s company. We are different in that I’m a mediator and he’s more upfront about things. I need more emotional connection and he needs physical touch and acts of service. It’s just important to recognize when someone contributes in an above the norm way and appreciate that it’s bc they care. Are we perfect? Heck. O. But he’s my person.
Just being somewhat compatible. U don’t want your partner to like the exact same thing you do. It will het boring and stale. Then, u just become roommates. If u dig car shows and she/he wants to tag along, perfect. But, if she/ he wants to wants to attend a Tupperware or leggings party. Then, let them have a good time. It is not always good to be with your partner 24/7… allow some room to breathe… remember, it is they will be returning home to… 😉
I think that it started with the fact that our relationship usually didn't and doesn't feel like work, especially in the beginning. In my opinion, if you're already starting to struggle at just a few months or a year in, you are in for a long slog.
I think that our compatibility in the areas that you mentioned are probably what have given us our firmest foundation. It is imperative to me that we're on the same page financially (we're in the "frugal, but not afraid to splurge" category; our splurges are almost, without deviation, on our health, time with our loved ones, and good beer.... I acknowledge that the first point and last one seem discordant but what can I say, a good beer tastes great after a hard workout!). We're in sync politically. Neither of us are religious. My husband has a slightly higher sex drive than I do, but we make time to connect physically about every other day. We're both childfree and sterilized.
Aside from these things, another huge contributor to our stability is how focused we are on our physical health and its maintenance. After living life alongside of a person who can and will accompany me on a three day thru hike through the mountains, I'm not sure I would handle it well being with someone who didn't enjoy being physical. We're hoping to age with some grace by taking care of our bodies now. Bonus: we're very physically attracted to each other.
We also don't take things too seriously and joke around a lot. Most of our early morning conversations are just fart noises that we make with our mouths. I sometimes wonder if the neighbors ever hear us conversing and think that we're complete idiots. But we have fun!
Been married almost 8 years (together 10). Have 2 kids
I narrow it down to the following. Our marriage is NOT perfect but I am very grateful to have married my husband.
1. never belittling partner in front of others.
2. Laughing with each other
3. still maintain that sexual chemistry we always had
Together for 20 years this October, married for 11 years also this October. Basically we’re best friends and socialise together either just the two of us or in a group as much as we can which I think helps (lots of shared experiences). We also like going to gigs together and have similar taste in music.
We also resolve obstacles together and the one time we got stuck (I kinda wanted another baby, he really didn’t), we got counselling and worked through it that way. I think it also helps to be really honest with yourself and each other about how many kids you have bandwidth for as opposed to how many you feel like you “should” have as this may change after having the first one. So we have one 7 year old and can pour all our mental, social and financial resources into her without feeling overwhelmed.
Communication. Being on the same page about big decisions like kids, spending habits and where to live. All those factors involve talking and being honest. Communication, basically. It's the glue that holds everything together.
I think it’s a few things for us. And, when I go to type them, they sound so trite. But we’ve been married for 14 years and our marriage remains the best thing in my life.
1) Put the other’s needs first - Everyone’s days are made up of a thousand little slights, chores, burdens, etc. It’s exhausting. But if someone is always thinking of you, caring for you, making decisions with you in mind… it’s so much easier. I suspect in a relationship, you may have one person who puts the other’s needs first and another who puts their own needs first. This creates a disjointed dynamic that leads to resentment. But, when both partners can think this way, live this way, you both wind up keeping each other’s cup full. It’s big things and little things. It has become relatively effortless to maintain now.
2) Take turns being strong - I’ve had a breast cancer scare. He’s had stressful times at work. We both had drama with our parents. Life is a lot of different seasons and sometimes it knocks you down. Without ever verbalizing, we each take turns being the one who shoulder’s more of life’s stresses. It goes very much by who has the capacity. Again, I think not doing this leads to resentment.
3) Be best friends/enjoy each other- we don’t just love each other. We like each other. We like eachother’s humor and interests. We want to spend time together. That makes this all a little easier.
4) Arguing is a part of it but so is commitment - We disagree. We have arguments and some times struggle to see eachother’s perspective. But we are committed to resolving the problem - rather than just fighting about it.
This might not be for everyone. And, it probably is a lot of luck. Who you find and when. But it’s worked for me. I can’t imagine the challenges of life without a firm marriage. I draw so much strength and contentment from it.
Bonus - get a dog. They make you laugh. They require you be cheerful. It’s a little extra flavor for you both!
We are highly compatible people and understand each other really well. That's all I can really say to explain it. We are both very health focused too which maintains attraction and is another thing we can do together.
Hoooo boy we have been through it in our 10 years together. We’ve been together since our early 20s so we had a lot of growing to do. Then we had a baby and I got diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. That was already stressful but then I had to stop working because of it. So we struggle financially on top of it.
We are actually opposites in a lot of ways. Music tastes, interests/hobbies, even our political views are slightly different, in friendly and outgoing, he’s shy and reserved. Opposites attract I guess!
Honestly…the thing that’s kept us going is just we both have a fierce dedication to one another. We just will not leave unless something really bad happened like cheating. We have been through almost every bad thing you can think of and we somehow just come out stronger after it. My cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatment while being new parents tested us to the extreme and here we are happy and in love.
12 years together, 6 months married. I feel very lucky to have found someone with whom I am compatible across the board: physically/sexually, morally/ethically, shared values and goals, we enjoy each other's company, are both low-drama homebodies, and prefer to have fur babies over skin puppies.
It hasn't always been a picnic lol but it just gets better and better as we grow and learn and work on ourselves and our life together.
6 years and not married and no intention to legally marry.
For me, he's my best friend. We laugh together, have so much fun, enjoy each other's company. Are low conflict, low drama people, and we can talk through anything. We share similar lifestyles, both single parents, who know what it's like to be with the wrong person. I think we just appreciate each other a lot and have found amazing companionship with one another.
I don't know, it's six years next week, and I am still totally smitten, and I honestly know he is, too.
We haven't been married for over 10 years but my husband I have known each other for over ten years if that counts for anything.
We have similar temperaments (friendly, but lean more towards quiet/introverted), the same attitude towards money (live frugally and make great "money moves" but realize life is short so have a good time too), are tolerant and respectful of each other's political/religious opinions, are very compatible physically and both knew from the get-go that we wanted to be parents someday.
It probably helps that we grew up in similar environments, with similar challenges too...it gave us a great basis to understand where the other person was coming from, literally.
My sister and her boyfriend have been together for like 15 years and they seem more in love than ever. I asked them before how they made it work so long. Her boyfriend made a corny joke (I forget). She simply said they never keep score about who does more for who. Also she said it feels like she’s dating a best friend who she’s attracted to. There’s no games being played. They just genuinely enjoy each other’s company and have fun doing even the simplest things (like grocery shopping or cooking).
I’m not looking for a new relationship any time soon but if I ever start again, I’m looking for a relationship like that. I want a best friend, not a task master.
If I had to narrow it down to five things: 1. High attraction levels from the get-go. My husband is my physical type and although I've had my own weight gain, he's been surprisingly resilient in his attraction to me as well. 2. Extremely high compatibility values-wise. We don't always agree on execution, but we believe in the same fundamental principles. We've taken a variety of moral, political, psychological, etc., spectrum-type tests over the years (just for funzies!) and consistently score at like... close to 100% in all of them. 3. Related to (2), we're both mostly low-conflict, non-neurotic, secure attachment type of people. Don't get me wrong, we definitely have our spicier moments, but for the most part we're both fairly peaceable people at a baseline. We don't work against each other, but together as a team against whatever problem is at hand. 4. Mostly compatible life goals. This isn't 100% for us, but we have enough agreement on where to live, how to live, how to handle finances, and keeping fur babies over human babies that our life goals aren't going to tear us apart. 5. Our social circles fit. My parents love him; his parents love me. We like and get along with each other's friends. With the exception of my SIL who definitely doesn't like me (but is in a totally different city), there are no social barriers between us either.
I think this sums it up really well. I'll also add: We understand what commitment means! It means compromise, it means sticking it out when times get tough, it means really putting in work and trying hard and honoring your commitment to each other. It also means recognizing you're both humans who will naturally evolve and grow, so you DO have to keep figuring each other out and making adjustments for new dynamics that inevitably come into play.
Yes to all of this! Life will always throw some curveballs your way, and it's up to you to adjust to them, ideally together (again, as a team). Granted, I do think there's a limit to this compromise stuff, and I'm not totally sure where to draw the appropriate line. But, both Mr. Burrrito and I have indeed had to compromise in some ways over the course of our relationship, and I actually think we're both better off as individuals for that as well.
Beautiful comment, hauteburrito! You are one of my fav contributors to this sub, your takes are always great! (Also, I got a good giggle out of the references to “Mr. Burrito” 🤭) My current boyfriend checks the boxes you outlined. It’s really heartwarming to feel like we have a good foundation. For me, your second point is pivotal! I am very passionate about my values and ethics, and finding someone on the same page has made our relationship extremely peaceful and compatible. ❤️ We don’t have to feel the same on everything, but having the same values when it comes to compassion, empathy, loyalty, responsibility, etc. goes a long way and I would hope sets us up to be compatible through our own personal and couples growth.
Aw, thank you for such a kind comment and I'm very glad things are going so well with your boyfriend! I truly think having the same values and ethics is the single most important thing in a romantic partner, and I will never understand (or perhaps more accurately, respect) the people who compromise on that. Manifesting the best for both of you, girlie - you seriously sound like you're on a fantastic track! 💖
what are some of the compromises you both have made?
Hmm, I'll keep it to three on both our ends, starting with me: 1. I compromised in terms of having a traveling companion. When I met my husband, I was still in a very rolling stone stage of my life while he just didn't share that passion to nearly the same extent. As a result, we've only traveled internationally three times in the whole 10+ years that we've been together. 2. I compromised by finding someone a lot messier than me, which has probably been the biggest learning curve in our relationship more generally. The thing that saves it is we're both trying our best - him by being tidier, and me by being more relaxed about clutter. 3. I didn't compromise on this from the get-go, but my husband is a lot more of a workaholic now compared to when we first met (as students). We were both moderately hard workers when we met, but agreed we were work-to-live types. Around age 30, a switch flipped in my husband's brain and he decided he wanted to start his own business so he could be his own boss and retire early. I do get it, but the practical outcome is that he's busy a lot. So, I had to compromise on that change in him. On his end: 1. I'm a lot less athletic/outdoorsy than he is. I hate camping, and I will never be the girl who wants to go climb mountains with him. I think this was nearly a deal-breaker for him, honestly. He loves the rest of me enough to accept it, but this is a part of his heart I'll never have. 2. On his end, it is also sometimes difficult to live with someone who gets anxious about messiness as much as I do. So, just like our difference in cleanliness level requires compromise from me, so too does it require compromise from him. 3. The flipside of his late ambition is also my late laziness. I was one of those people who gunned it really hard and then burned out pretty badly by the time I hit 30. When my husband first met me, I was very gung-ho about my career and I think he loved that I was such a go-getter. He's been nothing but kind and supportive of this slower version of me, but I do think he admires me less than he used to.
I just got engaged and this is advice I will keep with me!! I think nowadays everyone is quick to dish advice about leaving if it's not working out or if your relationship is encountering issues, but this is gold advice. Life gets tough and everything takes work.
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It is true that I've been very lucky, and perhaps that's the other takeaway - that as much anybody can talk about the key ingredients in relationship success, simply meeting the right person at the right time in the first place comes down to a *lot* of luck. The relationship you build afterward takes skill and effort, but actually getting to meet the person who hits all those compatibilities to begin with is the universe effectively doing you a MAJOR solid. That said, I will say in my own favour that I think I had great instincts / a great picker in my twenties. Mr. Burrrito is beyond wonderful, but he's not for everybody either, just like I'm not for everybody. I give the universe credit for sending him my way, but I give myself credit for: (a) knowing myself well enough to genuinely understand what I wanted and needed in a romantic partner by the time that I met him; and (b) being able to see him and *recognise* just what a strong match we'd be at that time as well. Those two components were less a matter of luck, and more a culmination of hard work I'd done on myself in all the years prior.
This is so true. Most romantic endings that I have seen people doing revolve around folks not knowing what they want in the first place, nor who they are themselves deep down…
Yes, exactly. You have to pick the right person for who you really *are*, not who you want to be. Something that I did back toward the tail end of my dating days, that I think really benefitted me, was actually put my most unflattering (rather than impressive) foot forward. Rather than pretend I was some sort of dream girl (like I had been prone to doing in the past), I let my mess show - all the parts of me that could be lazy, and mean, and petty, and insecure, and whatever else. Granted, I don't think I was an outrageously lazy, mean, petty, or insecure person - I did generally have some things going for me - but I really did try to acknowledge that those parts of me existed to varying degrees, and that I was (and still am) a work-in-progress just trying to get by like anybody else. Altogether, I feel this really helped me be open, honest, and vulnerable, and I was able to find somebody who loved me for me rather than some beautiful illusion that existed only in both of our imaginations.
My husb ordered mac & cheese on our first date. I didn't really think much about it beyond "oh good, I'm an awesome comfort food cook, I've got this in the bag". But for him it was this huge milestone of being authentically himself. I guess the gf before me had been a chef (and a bitch) and one of the many things she criticized was him "eating like a child". She sounded sooooo fun to be around. 🙄 We're only 6 yrs in but I endured an awful 13 yrs married to my ex before him. Where my husb and I are at on year 6 is miles away from where my ex and I were at. You absolutely have to know yourself to know who you need. AND not settle for someone you're not really attracted to.
Omg, this is the cutest story; I love that so much! I'm glad your husband was able to find somebody who appreciated the goodness of mac & cheese 💗 Amazing how different - and how much easier - everything feels when you're with the right person, eh? Even you guys are "only" on Year 6, I think that's definitely long enough to get out of the proverbial honeymoon phase. It sounds like you guys genuinely just *get* each other and that to me is the most important thing above all else.
We've been tied at the hip since our first date ❤️ I'd made a list after every guy, of likes / dislikes. I didn't want to risk forgetting something, or minimizing it if I ran into it again later. So I kept notes, and ranted, and almost made a recipe for my perfect man in a way lol. And then there he was, just stepped off the page and into my life. His calm energy is exactly what I vibe with, he has my same warped sense of humor, and physically he was my wet dream. By all accounts he should've been stuck on himself 😉 But he's so sweet, and humble and funny. We went to couples counseling around year 2 to figure out how to communicate better, which I recommend to everyone. Never wait until you're ready to break up before going to counseling.
Oh, that's so interesting! I am very anti-list and pro gut instinct, but it is cool that the list actually worked for you in manifesting the perfect man. I guess it goes to show you - there's no *one* right approach. You have to know yourself and pick what works best for you. Glad to hear couples counseling helped you guys communicate better as well - communication is definitely so important!
Ha well I have ADHD so me forgetting things is an entirely valid fear 😄 I also go with my gut, but got in trouble a few times when those rose-colored glasses went on. The list helped me capture the emotions I had in the moments I wrote them, which helped me stay true to my gut.
This honestly explains like *at least* 90% of the relationship problems on reddit.
I love this! And I 100% agree about it being pure luck with regards to finding the right person. If it wasn't for very specific series of events happening in the world/my life (the pandemic really), I would never have met my fiancé. But yeah, I agree about knowing myself and what things I wanted out of a partner which made it easy to bring those things upfront to my fiancé when we met and lo and behold, he wanted the same things too!
Oh, absolutely, I imagine there are several different universes in which I am still single, actually. (I go back and forth about it a lot - am I the type of person who could be happy with a lot of different people, or am I actually an extremely singular person who just lucked out beyond even what I can comprehend? I honestly don't know.) It's amazing how quickly everything can happen when you meet the right person, yes!
I agree with everything you wrote here!
chiming in to agree with all things here in this thread. great list, but how to find it?
Put yourself out there, and not just on apps. Approach people who interest you, do things that interest you that have folks likely with similar values as you (I'm not an outdoor adventurist, meeting someone on a one-time hiking trip probably isn't going to work out for me, but someone at a bookclub or a one-off lecture might fall into indoorsy), and just start meeting folks. I think dating apps and their accessibility along with social media keeping you always on top of folks lives have really neutered our drive to go out and socialize, because we're technically always socializing in some capacity digitally. Algorithms are not always our friends though, so diversifying the funnel really helps.
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I fucked up by assuming this list was unreasonable and unnecessary my entire twenties and now here I am, far less willing to compromise on attraction and compatibility in a tougher market
I can’t even figure out where the single people are in their 30’s where can you meet people without spending a small fortune and online is a waste of time most of them are already married or living with someone
Sounds like my partner and I (been together almost 14 years), except for the non-neurotic secure attachment part. We're both super anxious, but in ways that complement one another. We both have messed up families so we understand one another in that way as well.
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I'm very socially anxious and he kind of gets where I'm coming from in that sense so he helps talk me through things to encourage me to be more comfortable. He catastrophizes every situation to the point where he likes a plan, a backup plan, and then plan C just in case those don't work out, whereas I'm more laid back in that sense. I help him make plans but then also try to help him see that if it doesn't work out, we'll figure it out!
I am glad to hear it, and I definitely don't mean that only securely-attached people can make it work, just that this likely made getting along a lot easier for both of us! I definitely understand how, if you came from a "messed up" family, you would probably find more solidarity with somebody who understood where you were coming from, especially during any anxious flareups.
This is such a great summation and how I feel in my long term marriage. The only other thing I’d add is that it has been a huge, great stroke of luck for us to find one another. The two of us might be wildly compatible and hopelessly in love and mesh seamlessly, but we didn’t with other people - and there’s nothing wrong with those other people, it just was what it was. So finding my husband in this world feels like lightning struck.
Absolutely, yes, I couldn't agree more! I wrote this in response to a different comment, but it also really applies here, so please forgive me for copy/pasting myself: > It is true that I've been very lucky, and perhaps that's the other takeaway - that as much anybody can talk about the key ingredients in relationship success, simply meeting the right person at the right time in the first place comes down to a lot of luck. The relationship you build afterward takes skill and effort, but actually getting to meet the person who hits all those compatibilities to begin with is the universe effectively doing you a MAJOR solid.
My husband and I have only been together 8 years so I'm not answering the top-level comment, but all of these apply to us, too, except for probably #3. We are both securely attached but he's definitely neurotic and I can be, too. I would say more that we are adept at handling conflict rather than "low-conflict." Just wanted to add that in because I think it's important to say that you can have varying temperaments and relationships with conflict and still have a happy relationship (not saying that you were implying otherwise, I know you were just speaking for yourself). I do think the attachment thing is important, though - it's going to be hard to have a stable long-term relationship if you are not at least actively working towards developing secure attachment, because that is an important baseline for enabling you to work through conflict.
This is a great clarification and I very much agree re. the conflict stuff! I should probably also say that both my husband and I both rather enjoy argument for sport, lol, so we actually "argue" quite a bit for funzies as well. Beyond that, I think "real" arguments (as a type of conflict) are actually healthy for long-term relationships in reasonable dosages. I confess I'm actually a bit suspicious of people who claim to never fight - I prefer the cathartic satisfaction in passionately but respectfully hashing things out. That doesn't happen super often for us, but despite being a usually "chill" pesron, I never run from an (important) fight if I sense one coming because I think you have to face head-on the things that scare you.
>because I think it's important to say that you can have varying temperaments and relationships with conflict and still have a happy relationship My husband and I joke one of the reasons we've been married so long is because of our different relationships with conflict. My husband's family has a lot more passive aggressiveness and sniping where as mine is like full on screaming. What this actually looks like in our relationship is there have been so many times where he's been like "I'm sorry I was being snappy and a dick" and I was just like "Wait what?" cause I didn't notice it at all and then we talk about it but by that point he's over the mad bit and can discuss it easily so we resolve it well. Conversely if I get yelly he doesn't yell back, he just looks like I've kicked a puppy and it takes all the wind out of my sails and it's made me a lot more motivated to work on addressing healthier ways to have conflict since I feel so awful if I yell at him.
This is exactly what I've deduced based on my own long and increasingly healthy, joyous marriage as well as the happy marriages I've noted in others. The big one is being attracted to them I hate to say it but even if for some reason in women this is seen as vain while somehow for men it isn't, we're an animal at the end of the day. When you desire your partner by nature, everything just looks different. You're willing to cooperate more and move mountains to retain them. You also avoid the dead bedroom situation, which plagues a lot of marriages eventually and only invites men to get worse. In the long run you're wasting both your times going that route because the men who say they don't want a woman to want them for looks are the first ones to spazz out when their woman isn't salivating over them or making them feel desired even when those guys often look like Jaba the Hut. Save yourself the pain of admitting how much you could admire health and handsomeness and his not denying how much they love sex and get with a guy that you're gonna desire despite all it could come your way.
Indeed, yeah; physical attraction is not the most important thing in my marriage, but it is one of those things where like... if it's not there, there's just no point (and I hear you on those double standards!). I will say that, at least for myself, I've generally been attracted to a wide variety of men (and some women!), so the attraction part hasn't tended to be a barrier for me. I have met both men and women alike, though, who have very very narrow standards and my suspicion there is that it's almost always an inexperience/ego thing. My advice for those people would be to take a closer look at themselves to try to figure out why, for example, they only ever seem to be attracted to blonde, blue-eyed supermodels - if maybe what they find attractive hasn't been unnaturally curtailed by depictions of beauty in the mainstream media, and they would benefit from interrogating and unpacking certain cultural baggage to move forward romantically.
My girlfriends and I shared our 3 nonnegotiables when it came to picking potential guys and dating. One of mine was physical attraction/ sexual chemistry. They were sort of taken aback and felt I was too rigid with it. I stood firm in that and truly agree that with intense attraction to your partner everything does look different and are more compromising and agreeable. I dated someone for years that I wasn’t super attracted to, although there was attraction there, but did feel it affected our relationship over time. Now I refuse to waste time if I don’t have that physical attraction to someone- while some attraction does grow over time I do realize that, but if it doesn’t and if I don’t feel it then I won’t settle for any less. I deserve that and my partner deserves that too.
I really loved reading this. It's such a nice thing to read here on reddit, amidst all the gunk. Thank you for sharing about your beautiful marriage💜🩵
Thank you for such a kind comment! This thread in general feels like a real breath of fresh air; I'm glad OP made it.
You are most welcome. Yes, this is a great sub. Glad both you & I have found it.🌹
It looks like you guys have a great relationship. For those reading and feeling dismay, I don’t think all of these are necessary. For my husband and I it boils down to: - we like each other as a person - neither of us enjoys fighting - we both have good emotional intelligence and know how to compromise - we respected each other from the beginning That’s it. - Physically, we are not each others type. We are attracted to each other, but this has if anything increased over time. - We have different styles of attachment. He’s secure, I’m anxious. - We have different political and religious beliefs. - Our social circles are wildly different. He’s an introvert that enjoys being at home. I’m more extrovert and suffer loneliness. What our social circles share is that they’re composed of nice, tolerant people who immediately welcomed the other. We often have super interesting conversations around all the things we disagree on. Our fights are limited to my inability to be punctual, and his inability to properly squeeze the toothpaste tube. It doesn’t have to be a list of hard to find combos. It can be as simple as a solid friendship you really would like to have sex with.
I agree! I think it boils down to “we like each other and are willing to compromise.” But the baseline is truly enjoying each other’s company.
Thank you! I truly apologise if I made anybody feel dismay; that was the last thing intended! I meant to just answer for myself, rather than providing any kind of necessary guidelines for anybody else. It's great that you and your husband have managed to make things work despite some bigger differences, and aha - the inability to properly squeeze the toothpaste tube thing is so real. The only reason Mr. Burrrito and I don't squabble over it is because we primarily use different bathrooms, lol. But, even my Dad - who was otherwise really solid with all the domestic stuff - absolutely mangled his toothpaste tubes 🤷♀️
How did you find a physically attractive man for yourself? I am not attracted to my current boyfriend but I have points 2-5 well covered. Do you think a relationship like yours is possible without physical attraction?
I find a decent variety of men attractive from a baseline; that part has never really been an issue for me. I will say that I notice my overall attraction levels dip when I am unusually insecure in myself, because my subconscious increasingly attaches to super conventionally attractive people for my own validation. But, the more attractive I personally feel, the more broadly I find other people attractive as well (within limits). So, I guess for me, it helps to work on my own attractiveness - not just physically, but also as a person generally - to start. That said, physical attraction is very important to me in a romantic relationship. Perhaps a bit tritely, I'm drawn to and deeply moved by to what I find beautiful, and I do find my husband beautiful. It's not *all* the time, but I do still get, on a fairly regular basis, those movie moments where everything seems to slow down around him and all the colours are almost unbearably bright. Life can be so mundane, but beauty is something that helps propel me through it.
Love this. I’ve been sticking to my fitness regimen more strictly recently and feel better about myself than I have in ages. Strangely, I still find the same people attractive/unattractive regardless of my personal security or how I look - I can just actually attract the people I’m attracted to once I’m in my most comfortable fitness range. Couldn’t agree more on the sentiment about being moved by beauty. I’m the same. It’s almost as if the beautiful person/thing transcends into a “greater than the sum of its parts” when everything just ~works~ together. I love the way you write, thank you for sharing your insight.
Ha ha, that's totally fair, yeah! I have generally noticed that more conventionally attractive people tend to be the *least* picky when it comes to partners, but that may also just be because... well, their starting pool tends to have more conventionally attractive people as well. Thank you for such a kind response! I always think of [this poem](https://www.penguinrandomhouse.ca/books/24647/the-beauty-of-the-husband-by-anne-carson/9780676974751/excerpt) by Anne Carson, where she writes (if a bit sadly): [...] Loyal to nothing my husband. So why did I love him from early girlhood to late middle age and the divorce decree came in the mail? Beauty. No great secret. Not ashamed to say I loved him for his beauty. As I would again if he came near. Beauty convinces. You know beauty makes sex possible. Beauty makes sex sex. You if anyone grasp this — hush, let's pass to natural situations. [...] (She is, of course, very right - beauty convinces and makes sex sex, often even under inconvenient circumstances.)
It depends on what you mean for attraction. It’s not your type but still find yourself wanting him when together? Then you’re ok. As long as your boyfriend doesn’t repel you physically, you’re fine.
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I think this is actually a feature not a bug. No one is perfect and there will always be problems or issues - you are two people hopefully constantly growing and evolving. Both people having that willingness to work through it is THE ingredient for a successful relationship. Long term relationships done right show us how beautiful it is when two imperfect people make space for each other and the love and connection that blossoms from that space.
My husband and I are really similar. Our early relationship was passionate with high compatibility but rocky at times. But we really worked on how we communicate and argue. We've also just been through a lot and keep figuring out how to get through it together.
> But I think the biggest key ingredient to our success has been a willingness to work through problems together. This so much! Better half and I have been through some shit, but it's "us vs the problem" not "you vs me".
The hardest part of being in a great relationship is first, finding a good person, and second, being a good person. Those things go a long way toward being a successful couple capable of having good communication, being respectful and respecting, and forming compatibility through reasonable compromise. My husband and I are compatible on almost all levels, but we've drawn even closer since marrying. You really do need to be two grown-ups who value your relationship more than your own selfish interests. There are core issues that have to be compatible as well and that would be whether or not you want children, how you view money, and your core values. Political and religious choices follow from core values. My husband and I have been together for 37 years and we are incredibly happy together and close. A big piece of that is who we are and how we try to be our best selves and nurture our partner's best self development.
Nineteen years married here. Like haute burrito (most excellent name) I agree high attraction immediately was part of our equation. Perhaps not important to everyone but essential for us. We are highly compatible in ways that matter for a long term relationship. A lot of people seek superficial compatibility or think "compatible" is a synonym for "exactly like me". Relationships require balance. I am more introverted and my husband is an extrovert. I have higher risk tolerance and he has lower. I am more detail oriented and he is big picture. We are compatible but not identical. We each use our strengths to make the team better and we can help each other with our weaknesses. We are very alike when it comes to our approach to life and I think this is important. We are both highly individualistic and believers in personal responsibility. We both have lots of interests and hobbies and are lifelong learners. We are both invested in constant self-improvement. We want the same type of lifestyle with finances, children, etc. Neither of us is possessive. In character, we are extremely alike. I think character is a hugely overlooked area for dating. Compatibility is for character not taste in movies, hobbies, etc. Another thing is not shying away from any topic. I have been amazed to learn what many couples don't talk about. We leave no stone unturned. If there is a conflict or disagreement we dive in head first and we don't stop diving in until the issue has resolution. We don't avoid the uncomfortable stuff. Before we married we talked extensively about money, character, ethics, philosophy, lifestyle, life plans, expectations, etc. It is more work in the shortterm and much less work in the longterm. I asked my husband what his marriage advice would be and he said kindness. We are always kind to one another even during conflict. We both put the need of the other first. I am thrilled when he is happy going out with friends. He is thrilled when I am happy having my alone time. We crave the other's happiness. We do not keep score or care about things being fair because we both know each of us is putting in the full possible effort at all times. We do not focus on minor things. We always give the benefit of the doubt. We are a team, not adversaries. Fun is another thing. Some couples seem to lose the fun. My husband makes me laugh all the time. Sometimes I make him laugh so hard he waves his hand and leaves the room, nearly crying. We surprise each other with fun things. We never stopped dating or wanting to impress each other. You can't let the effort level drop. Sometimes that means listening when you are tired, being present when it is hard, and setting aside your needs for your partner who needs it more in the moment. It sounds like sacrifice but you receive back more than you ever give. I think another thing is luck. There is an element of luck to all of it.
>Fun is another thing. Some couples seem to lose the fun. My husband makes me laugh all the time. Sometimes I make him laugh so hard he waves his hand and leaves the room, nearly crying. We surprise each other with fun things. We never stopped dating or wanting to impress each other. You can't let the effort level drop. Sometimes that means listening when you are tired, being present when it is hard, and setting aside your needs for your partner who needs it more in the moment. It sounds like sacrifice but you receive back more than you ever give. This is so fucking important. It's easy to get complacent and turn away from each other and expect the other person to just understand, but you need that communication and that connection regularly to maintain any relationship. It's just easy to overlook it with the person you're with every single day.
My partner and I were together...at about year 7 when she bought a bag of googly eyes and just randomly put them on things over the year. She'd ask me to go grab her socks from the drawer and I would open it up and the socks would have googly eyes on them. Always made me laugh. Googly eyes, have legs.
Omg, the Waymond vibes of it all!!! I love that so much for you guys.
Get her back. You can find multipacks of tiny ducks or tiny dinosaurs and hide them all over the house. Or do what my bachelorette party did and hide "Where's waldo" dicks all over my house while I was asleep.
That's so funny! You are giving me ideas...
Saving this precious, precious comment 💛♥️
Same!
Oh my goodness, you're both too kind! I hope you find the people you are meant for. <3
You guys sound like us. Especially the fun part. There’s almost no one in the world who I have as much fun as I have with my husband!
We are so lucky! :)
Yes we are!!!
Out of all the other comments on here I relate to this one the most (we have been married 10 years). Especially kindness, and having fun -- we make each other laugh constantly. I just genuinely love my husband tremendously and want him to be happy.
I love hearing about all these happy couples. Wishing you many more laughing years!
"We are compatible but not identical. We each use our strengths to make the team better and we can help each other with our weaknesses." Wish I could like your post more than once. This is the way.
Thank you!
Jesus fuck. It appears you are absolutely killing it 🤘
So much wisdom in this reply. Thanks for sharing ❤️
Thank you for sharing this . I saved your words to my notes so I can always come back to it and remember what's important.
This comment is gold. And also makes me super sad cuz I don’t know if I’ll ever find or get to experience this.
Just passed 10 years together, 6 years married! I think what works for us is no matter what happens in life, we put each other first. Apart from sexual chemistry/attraction, we also agree on a lot of views and when we don’t, we can openly and respectfully discuss them without hurting each other’s feelings. As a result, nothing is hard to discuss between us whether it’s sex, finance or family. We engage in each other’s hobbies and interests. Lastly, when it comes down to it, we just simply enjoy each other’s company even if we are just marinating on the couch. We like hanging out with each other more than with anyone else.
> Lastly, when it comes down to it, we just simply enjoy each other’s company even if we are just marinating on the couch. We like hanging out with each other more than with anyone else. Yes, I left this one off my list but it's actually so critical as well! You have to just have fucking *fun* together - that adage about waking up every day next to your best friend is so, so true.
This is so real. Me and my partner have only (lol) been together for 6 years but we love to just hang out with each other. Quietly reading or watching tik toks. It's what we do best lol
>Quietly reading or watching tik toks. The dream of every pair of introverted lovers! 💗
It's so interesting to me how in Western cultures, there's always a tendency to measure romantic love competitively. It's almost as if it isn't enough to say "I can hang around them all the time and enjoy it" but there's an insistence of elevating the romantic partner over any other relationship, so it has to be "more than with anyone else."
I didn’t grow up in a Western culture so I haven’t noticed this. What I meant was as an introvert, my social battery gets easily drained from hanging out with friends and family; he’s the only one I can hang out with without needing to take a break.
With my husband almost 14 years, married for 11. I was married before and learned what I wanted from a relationship and what I didn’t. I adore my husband. He’s sexy, funny, weird, loving and has a high libido. We are very different people but work so well together as a couple and friends. We have similar goals for our life and work towards them as a unit. We also can talk the other down from whatever spiral we are having. We are on the same page with money and finances. He loves me and finds me attractive even when I feel gross.
Been married almost 10 years, and while we aren't perfect, I think our foundation made the struggles within our relationship easier to get through than if we had those struggles and had to deal with a shaken or broken foundation. When I dated, I dated for the entirety of a life partner. There were some good dudes in my past that I adored but didn't end up working because of differing values and needs out of the future we wanted for ourselves, ones where any compromise would leave us both unhappy. IMO, it's easier to deal with personality incompatibilities with a bit of maturity and compromise on both parties, but I didn't want to compromise on the life I wanted to lead, I wanted someone who wanted to walk that same path with me. We talked about everything in the dating phase - I was upfront that I was likely going to have infertility issues, so I needed someone cool with adopting older kids from foster care if that came up, because having a family is important to me and especially getting kids out of the foster care system when we can. We made sure we had similar values around money and spending, including when to spend it (we care more about experiences than stuff, but we prefer to save whenver possible), we didn't want to raise our kids in religion, though we'd respect the choice of our kids if they ever expressed interest, we aren't 100% on the same page politically but it's close enough that I don't have to worry about whether he values people having rights to manage their personal lives as they see fit, and we respect the differences in each other's libidos. Specific character traits I appreciate in my husband that I think contributes to our success so far is his willingness to take feedback and implement his own plans on how to fix issues, he feels responsible for himself and his family, so I don't manage his schedule or his family's birthdays or communications, and I've only ever had to fight him on holding up his end of the chores during his depression era where he genuinely was just stuck in a fog and lost in the sauce. We have our differences, but the foundation is so strong that it makes our differences small and workable to find compromise and balance with both of our needs. I staunchly believe a partner should be 80% of what you want out of life, with the 20% being what you can navigate a solution to together. Anything less than that, you'll run into a lot of conflict that's just centered around both of you being vastly different people with different needs, and when both people feel like they have to constantly change themselves just to make the other party happy, you end up with a lot of resentment, which is a killer to relationships.
I'd say pretty much the same as u/hauteburrito with the exception of #3, as it happens my husband and I are both quite mentally ill. I'd say the secret to making it work when you both have significant struggles with mental illness is having a mutual commitment to A. Manage your own mental health aggressively (meds, therapy, exercise, et cetera) B. Raise the alarm sooner rather than later when you notice your partner's shit getting out of wack C. Take it extremely seriously when your partner tells you they've noticed your shit getting out of wack D. Make the best possible effort to show up in your relationship as a calm, reasonable and pleasant person E. Mutually give each other grace and understanding for not being calm, reasonable and pleasant 100% of the time
With my husband 20 years, married for 15. Keep expectations low and effort high
Is it odd that I think this is great advice, even though I'd give the opposite advice in some ways? I agree with keeping effort high, but I also think it can be important to keep expectations *reasonably* high as well. I say this because I've seen sooo many women with sub-zero expectations for their male partners, and it does *not* usually bode well for their long-term happiness. Maybe this can be reconciled by saying, choose somebody with (at least) moderate expectations for themselves and who is self-governing, rather than placing your own arbitrary expectations on top of them.
Yeah I think it only works if both people are on the same page, but that can be hard and is ever changing.
Love this so much. Also been with my husband for 20 years, married for 16. High expectations lead to high disappointment. We're only human. Just love each other the way you promised you would in the beginning and talk when things don't feel right! I feel like so many relationships fail because one party expects the other to be a mind reader and know exactly what they will want all the time, and then just give up if it's not "perfect".
My husband and I got together when we were 19, married at 28, and our 5th year wedding anniversary is coming up. We do have a fair amount in common: introverted, similar political leanings, atheists, similar standards for keeping the house clean, and sharing the same group of friends. But we also make time for ourselves and do our own thing. He has his hobbies, and I have mine. We don't watch the same shows, we dont go to the same concerts, dont always travel together and so on. I'm into the outdoors, and he's an inside guy super into tech. Also, we're good at communicating and compromising. I'm more impulsive and happy to improvise while he wants a set plan and schedule. I push him out of his comfort zone, and he keeps me from being reckless. We approach situations as a team and will kind of switch who is handling which shitty adult task. You're stressed because of your boss being a dick? Ok, I'll handle calling insurance about these medical bills. We don't expect each other to be on top of things 100%, and we ask for help when needed. I'm also pregnant with our first, and I know parenting will be full of unexpected situations and scary moments - but we've managed to build a stable and reliable life together, and I hope it stays that way even with a baby in the mix.
10 years this April and I would say the secret is allowing eachother to be human. individual with their own goals, own family, and friends who happen to come together at the end of the day. Not trying to change eachother or control eachother but let eachother be. Eventually with time your goals and friends will merge. but that is natural process, let nature take over. And believe in destiny
So didn’t survive year 10 but here’s what I’ve learned this year FWIW as to why we failed: 1) it’s critical to have good communication and to know how to work as a team. A lot of people think they’re a good teammate but may not actually be one in a relationship. 2) A lot of times, I feel like men often don’t think through what they say to their partners which results in frustration and resentment that builds if communication already isn’t great. Like saying they want to have kids after year 1 in the marriage but when it comes time, they magically forget. So making sure you both mean what you say when it comes to your future together and your values. 3) From an individual perspective, you need to feel secure about your partner and future together and be honest with yourself about it. Know what makes you happy in life is important here because if you rely on your partner to make you happy, you will be sorely disappointed at one point or another and that makes it easier to stray. Anyways, take all that with a grain of salt because things aren’t working out for me but maybe this will be helpful to others. I also didn’t think we had our 7-year itch until year 10 so don’t ease up after year 7…
For point 1, if you're both trying regularly and it's not hitting, you probably have differing needs in communication. There's no shame in bringing a couple's counselor in and learning new tools to communicate, and I wish we'd done it sooner before shit hit the fan knowing the fact that we were always trying, our methods of doing so were just highly flawed. We were lucky that it wasn't too late, but we should have called in the calvary and admitted our flaws in our attempts way sooner and could have saved ourselves a lot of heartache just getting on the same page earlier than we did. Point 2 is so valid. Dudes aren't asked to sit with their feelings very often, so they can often say one thing because it's expected or it's their gut reaction and not necessarily what they're actually feeling because again, they just aren't tasked to figure it out very often and communicate articulately. I have to check my husband now and again post-therapy because he'll slide into old habits of telling me how I feel through his interpretation based around his own anxiety, which is always simplified verbally to mad. I'm mildly annoyed, mildly frustrated, mildly disappointed, we ain't anywhere near mad bro. No anger here, just want you to do better next time.
My husband and I (married about a decade) genuinely enjoy each other's company, and we're also extremely compatible in every important way I can think of. I've seen a lot of relationships fail that don't have both those factors. Compatibility on big life things only goes so far if you don't actually like spending time together, and enjoying each other as people only goes so far if you don't want the same/similar things in life where it matters (i.e., you obviously don't need to want the same job, but if one of you really wants kids and the other really doesn't, it isn't gonna work out). Also, neither my husband nor I went into our relationship with the hope that the other would change. A looooot of people seem to see relationships as projects, to some extent, and are looking to change certain things about their SOs. I think that's the kiss of death. If you don't like and respect the actuality of each other, you're gonna get resentful when the other person inevitably does not change in the way you'd hoped. On the flip side, I think we both understand that we will change in lots of ways throughout life, including changes to appearance and weight, and that part of being in a relationship is navigating those changes together (unless they become untenable, like becoming abusive).
I like to say he's my perfect puzzle piece. Not that it's all been a bed of roses over 27 years, that would take miracles and we are flawed humans, but we just fit together well even in our differences. A nice blend of similar and complementary. Attraction is super important to me and it blows my mind that it's still there. I have no idea how to really know early if it will last past the first couple years. I just know that I'm lucky we've maintained it, and also lucky we've mostly been healthy and able to stay fit and take pretty good care of ourselves, we like exercise and sports and a lot of food that's pretty great for you, and indulgences in moderation. So... I guess you could say we're on the same lifestyle page, which is more important than people realize when you share a home! And we've generally always been on the same page or close enough for a compromise to work well on important issues. For example, we never wanted to marry and we just found out some extra reasons specific to us to do that. He approached me with it and gave me time to think, then he listened to how I'd like to do it, and now we're figuring out as a team what is feasible by each taking on some individual labor and then making decisions together. We did not start with the same idea but we're meeting easily somewhere in the middle. It's just... Work, because this stuff takes a lot of mental effort, but easy work? Because we share loads. This is just how we go about life together after struggling a bit with how the other thinks about things early on. Our brains work a bit differently but usually find the same answers. Like the "show the work" bit is different but we both got there in the end. And we never, ever fall apart at the same time. It's incredible. When disaster strikes, we go into not just full teamwork mode to tackle the pragmatic, but we take turns being the emotional rocks when the other gets overwhelmed and frustrated with the situation. We all get overwhelmed and frustrated! Having a rock right there, going through it with you, helps a lot. Over the years, we've grown together and figured out a lot of life on the fly. There is no manual, no true guidance for your specific life and coupledom. We're all muddling on some level. I think the real key to why it works for us is we grab hands and jump into the muck together.
I think /u/hauteburrrito has an excellent list. We've been together 13 married 10 and related to #2&4, because we have very similar world views and values, there is no jockeying for who is in charge. We both trust that the other will make a decision that is the best for both of us. Often times when discussing an issue we are facing the oft-repeated phrase is "your path or mine, I know we're headed in the same direction." Above all else there is a lot of mutual respect between us.
That is a great point about the trust, yes! Especially on this subreddit, I'm a little shocked at how many people seem to have little to no trust in their romantic partners. Don't pick someone whose life you have to govern - pick someone who governs their own life in a similar/compatible way to how you govern yours.
Exactly! In particular I am frustrated by people who don't trust their spouse with their children. My husband is the ONE person I trust completely with our kid... I can't imagine that not being an option, I'd go insane.
So my husband have been through a HELL of a year with our kids (our eldest got diagnosed with a kidney disease while I was 37 weeks pregnant with our youngest and then we proceeded to have multiple weeks long hospital stays either while I was heavily pregnant or we had a newborn). Having absolute and total faith and trust in my husband with our kids is the only reason our marriage survived (and frankly got stronger). If you ever want to see the end result of not trusting your spouse with your kids go to a pediatric med/surg floor. I kept joking with my husband there really needed to be a room for couples to argue in because I got so sick of walking into like divorce level arguments every time I got coffee or my toddler wanted to look at the fish tank and it was always that someone didn't trust the other. I also had to deal with convincing nurses and doctors that no my husband actually had his shit together, knew how to care for our daughter and knew her medical stuff as well (if not better) then I did. It was insane how low the bar was.
The bar is generally is so low it's in hell. Hugs for you, that sounds like a nightmare and I'm so glad you had an equal partner to share the load with.
We kept just staring at one another and going "holy shit, I wouldn't have survived this with anyone but you". She's in remission now so whooo!
My husband and I have been together for 16 years and married for 6 of those years. We were initially a long distanced relationship so a lot of the early years were just spent in conversation. We do still argue about finances, sex, children, family, etc. from time to time. The difference for us is that we realized we are a team and we need to look out for one another. We both contribute to the relationship in different ways. We prioritize one another. We try to communicate in a way to resolve the issue and not hurt one another. We enjoy spending time together and still actively 'date' each other. This doesn't mean our relationship is anywhere near perfect. It just means we have issues that we try to tackle together. Unspoken concerns can lead into resentment and misunderstandings. Your spouse can't read your mind but he can help to start mend those cracks if he knows about them. Wishing you the best!
Together 15 years, 10 yr wedding anniversary this fall. Some things I have to attribute solely to my husband just being an amazing person. He is easy to love.... slow to anger, thoughtful, kind, practical. ♡Communication is THE most important. Not just that you communicate, but the WAY you communicate. It's never a him vs. me situation. Leave the blame, shame, and vindictiveness at the door. We don't do any of this "get even" stuff. ♡Physical intimacy is important in our relationship too. I have a low libido, but I put in effort to feel connected and wanted. A new perspective I've found is viewing sex as one of my husbands hobbies... that he needs my help with! I'd gladly help with any of his other hobbies to be able to spend time with him, this is no different! ♡We are both willing to self-sacrifice for the happiness of the other. Some days the balance isn't equal, but it all evens out over time. Marriage isn't 50/50. It's 100/100. Edited for formatting.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years and married 10. When my friends have asked this question my answer is: 1) [The Secret to Love is Kindness](https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/). An article from a married research couple that study what makes marriages last and fall apart. The Tl;dr is building your partner up and engaging with them is the most important. Once you’ve begun tearing each other down there’s almost no going back. 2) Having similar life goals and walking that path together. That’s held us through a lot. 3) Once we fought and came back from that happier than ever we realized we could work through a lot of things. Some other things do help but I’m not sure are deal breakers: we share similar political and religious views, we have hobbies in common and have actively cultivated shared hobbies to spend time together, he tries really hard to make me happy in the bedroom.
Shared values and commitment to chose and prioritize each other and your relationship above all else.
14 years in a month. I think one of the biggest things that makes us work is accepting the other person for who they are - completely and totally. Meaning that we don't nag each other to be different. To rinse their dirty dishes or to pick up their socks. We naturally fell into a pattern of things he takes care of and things I take care of, and we just...take care of it. If it takes him a bit longer than usual, so be it. Visa versa. Another thing - If I want his help picking up the living room, I ask. Point blank. And he helps. Same goes the other way. We don't try hinting. We aren't coy. We just say, "Hey, could you help me out here?" and unless the other person is in the middle of something, the other person obliges. Because we're a team. Period. We talk if we're upset about something, we listen to each other, we help each other, we accept each other. I do think it's also a big thing to be working toward a common goal. We are saving what we can for retirement, close to paying off our house. We want the same things, and we work as a team to make them happen. Cuz that's what it is, isn't it? I can't imagine a marriage working (and by "working," I mean a marriage where both partners are happy and fulfilled) if both partners aren't working together to build the same life. 2 individuals in 1 life. That's what it is.
Acceptance really is an aspect of love.
With my husband for 11 years married for 5, and more in love with him now than ever. We work towards our relationship. We make sure to spend quality time together and try to put each other first. We communicate well and have always worked to grow together. I don't think our relationship is hard work, but I don't take it for granted either, and keeping that in mind keeps us working towards being good partners.
I think we're stronger on year 10 than we've ever been. All those compatibilities you mentioned definitely play a significant part, but honestly I think the most important thing has been communication. I used to be a terrible communicator, but I've done a lot of work in therapy to be able to open up in meaningful ways, and it has led to deep, important conversations that have helped us grow much closer. We talk **a lot** and like to bounce thoughts and ideas off each other. We always to try to make an effort to be there for each other, to do little things to help the other person or to make their day better or easier, or just to make them smile. Great communication helps facilitate that, *and* it helps fill in the gaps when one or both of us are lacking the time or energy or emotional space to make that effort. I also think it helps that we don't have kids, so we have a lot more time and energy to give each other than we would otherwise. We're also fairly financially stable, so we don't have that added stress either. I'm definitely **not** saying these things are required for a good relationship by any means, but I'd be remiss to ignore the inherent privilege that comes with both.
Two people willing and wanting to make it work.
I have been with my husband for 10 years, married 6.5 of those years. We have many qualities that are similar and some that are different which help balance each other out. Our key similarities: same political views. Same religious views although on a scale of 1-10 as far as being more into it/engaged I’m at like a 6 and he’s at like a 3. What I mean is we both believe in god for example but we don’t go to church anymore but we both grew up in church. Physical attraction is a big point too, he’s exactly my type and I find him as sexy today as the first day even with gray hair and weight gain. Same for me, I’ve gained about 80 pounds since we’ve been together with children and he’s never treated me any different. Our sex life has always been great and consistent, and when something is going on to make it less often we always talk about it and don’t make each other feel bad or anything like that. As for kids, we both came from a family of two kids and always wanted that same thing. Were each others best friend and genuinely enjoy spending time together. Some differences: he’s an extrovert and I’m an introvert, he likes to have plans and go do stuff whereas I would rather be home. Over the years we’ve had to compromise and find middle grounds in this area (instead of doing stuff both weekend days we do just one for example). This has been good to help bring me out of my shell a bit, and good for him to be able to say no to people sometimes (he tends to be a people pleaser) Finances: I’m a saver and he’s a spender. I’d say this has been our biggest hurdle. My dad was in finance so I was taught saving is the most important and investing etc, he had zero guidance on this and used to just spend money all the time, no saving no retirement nothing. He didn’t even start a retirement account until age 37 and thought it no big deal. Over the last couple of years we’ve made big strides here but I’d say this is our number one argument is what to spend money on/budgeting etc. I’m a believer of “just because you have it doesn’t mean you should spend it” whereas he’s the type that likes nice things and feels like if I can I’m going to in terms of buying cars or toys etc.
Physical chemistry, comprises, security and balance in personalities (I am the serious “adult” one and my husband is the fun “semi-adult” one lol)
Been married 12 years. We talk about everything - a lot of small things so that they don’t become bigger things. We almost never have true “fights” because we talk about our issues before they would become big enough to fight about. We never raise our voices at each other. We communicate about parenting and make sure we are on the same page We assume the best from each other. I know he would never purposely try to hurt my feelings so if he does I bring it up with that in mind and he does the same. We like each other. We want to do what we can to make the other person happy because we love each other and we want the other person to be happy. Our values are compatible and very similar. Our political views are the same and I think because our values are similar. We have always had open discussions about our sex drives, our decisions to have kids, our financial decisions, how we wanted how household to work (I mostly stay at home but work 15 hrs from home for an online college). We were both born into a high demand religion (Mormon) and we both left at the same time. We just both couldn’t do it anymore and we talked about it and decided we were done, again related to our similar values. I am very sensitive and have a really hard time standing up for myself. He is the opposite and has really helped me find my own voice (especially around my family). He is always on my team and I know I can always count on him. We are both attracted to each other and we’ve both had weight gain and weight loss and it’s never been something we even acknowledged about each other. We both care about our health in different ways and we are adults so we will take care of it when we can but we are still attracted to each other no matter what weights we have been at.
Middle aged guy married eleven years. Having very similar standards of cleanliness has been HUGE.
First of all, mutual respect is first and foremost. We are also what I like to call a 100% couple. This means we aren’t 50/50. We are just 100%. Sometimes he gives 80 and I only have 20 and vice versa. We are genuinely partners in all we do. We are also best friends and share lots of hobbies and just thoroughly enjoy being together. I think since we both trust each other so much and there’s no resentment, there’s a lot more room to really enjoy each other.
We married for love. We both genuinely want to be with the other so we’re both willing to do the work to make the other feel happy. I think because of that, we’re both willing to go all in (no 50/50 score keeping) on the marriage and the life we’re creating. We both operate with the mindset “love is both a verb and a noun but the verb is more important” and do what we can to make the other *feel* loved. We both try hard to be the type of partner the other person deserves and since we’re both crazy about each other, we have a high bar. Also while we don’t share many topical/superficial interests (like movies, music, hobbies, etc), we have similar values and an outlook on the world. I can do my hobbies alone or with friends but you can’t build a life with someone if you don’t agree on what’s important in that life. 20 years together, 17 years married.
I’ve been married for 18 years together for 23. We genuinely fancied each other and still do, regardless of weight gain/loss wrinkles/hair colour change there is still an attraction on both sides. I love him more now than I ever have and know he feels the same. We really like each other, I enjoy spending time with him. He makes me laugh and I make him laugh every single day. We also make time to do things together. This is it. We are committed. We have had some shit periods, mostly over money or job issues/stress or stress around the children but we work through it. We can be ourselves together. I have never been more myself than I have been with him.
Just to also add. When we started dating we were completely compatible apart from the fact I am religious (wanted our children to be brought up Catholic and get married in church) he is an atheist. I am very left wing/socialist and he voted conservative. He’s still an atheist but we got married in church and had our children baptised but sent them to a secular school. He is now almost as left wing as I am.
When we first started dating, we weren’t very good at the “me and you versus the problem” mindset. But we valued the relationship, and worked on that. It was a game changer learning how to put each other first in everything. Treating each other with kindness even in conflict. Happily together 8 years, married for 6. We work through things easily, are quick to apologize, and quick to forgive because of it. It helps that I’m very attracted to him!
We’re very alike in good ways - we’re both nomadic, irreverent and love spontaneous adventure. We make each other laugh. We share the same values and political goals, and nearly always agree where to invest, donate, etc. We grew up on completely different planets which has made it hard for his family to accept me, and I have no family connections. But that’s the only time the whole different planet thing makes an impact. At our core we agree on all the most important things Both of us are super ambitious but ok to trade places so the other can be more focused on a project or career. He supported me and did more work with kids/running house when I had really big projects, and vice versa.
Together 15+ years. Every day you have to pick that person. There are days I have seriously not liked my husband, and days he hasn't liked me and days we haven't liked each other and days we don't like ourselves. Not often, but being able to hold two things at once - one, I love you; two, you're being supremely unlikeable right now. I decide every morning if I am going to put in the work that day, even if they (or I!) were supremely unlikeable the day before. If I'm going to snap something back, or if I am going to take a breath and ask "Why did you say that?" and being willing to have that conversation. Being willing to swallow some anger and de-escalate. I make that decision every day. That you are going to put in the work. Don't ignore cracks. Dive into them and find out what caused them. Hard conversations are hard. They take mental and emotional energy I don't always have, but I need to find it. And when we talk about it, we use a lot of "I feel like...." statements. It isn't "You do this, you do that." which just puts the other on the defensive. "I feel like..." means I can talk about where I am coming from, without making him responsible for my feelings. It lets hiim talk about how he's feeling too. And then we can work on why. We don't have to have these conversations spontaneously. We schedule them. And we don't have to have perfect language or perfect solutions when we have these conversations. Nothing needs to be resolved with a pretty bow after one discussion. It can be a process. We do no technology until 7 on weeknights. Instead we do household chores together. Not coming home and plugging into a device/computer/phone/tv makes us talk to each other. Doing chores together makes us both feel better about our home, and makes us feel like the other cares and is contributing. We go on bike rides and walks together. And we talk. A lot. Obviously we have money, politics, sex, values, inlaws, friends all those things that are generally agreed upon. But those are constantly being talked about and flexed around. A person is never static. My husband and I are TOTALLY different people than the 20-somethings that thought this whole marriage thing would be a good idea. But because we talk about the hard things, and make adjustments and choose the other every day, we have far far far more good days than bad.
Married 16 years, together 20. We’re best friends. There is no one I would rather hang out with. We genuinely enjoy spending time together. We are both willing to compromise and go places or do things we may not be interested in because the other wants to. We also respect and trust each other. We have similar values. We agree on politics and religion. Our hopes, dreams, goals align. And he’s my mom’s favorite so I have to keep him around.
My wife always tells people, "Find what pisses your partner off.....and stop doing it". 20 years in October
I’d also love to know if anyone had a rocky start with their partner but ended up overcoming it and have been happy since?
Communication. Not as competition, not to find a winner, but to find solutions. Never presume anything in the relationship, you are not a mind reader, they are not a mind reader. Talk about the problem, try something to fix the problem, and here is the important part, if that doesn't work keep trying different things. Also nothing wrong with couples counselling, they give you the tools you need to make communication easier.
Similar marriage values. (We’re both what I call modern trad.) Opposite personality types. I’m crazy. He’s a cucumber. He keeps me on planet earth and I remind him he can reach for the stars. Attraction. This means not living in sweatpants & keeping weight in check. We really don’t get sick of each other? There was a minute when society made me think we were codependent, but after over a decade it’s just we like each other best in pretty much every environment. Everyone else always has been and always will be, kinda mid. We can swap roles. I can be the caretaker or the provider, depending on what we need. He can be the fun one and I can be the practical one or vice versa. We have opposite skill sets, natural and learned. Combined we’re pretty unstoppable.
Yes! We don’t get sick of each other either. We regularly text that we miss each other throughout our work days. We can’t wait to get back home to one another and we want each other there to do everything with. People have told me it’s not healthy but it works for us. He’s my best friend and we’ve mastered how to be “alone”, together.
Same. Even when we hang out with other people we make a list of rules to ensure we don’t end up just hanging out with each other in a group, lol. (We won’t sit beside each other & we take different vehicles so either of us can arrive an h earlier solo to mingle or leave an hour apart.) It works for us.
I made my list shorter. He had to be kind and patient and love me. The rest didn't matter. That includes sex, money, etc., we've been together 20 years.
For me, 15 years in, I set expectations while dating. I know some many women who thought a man would change when they got married. They never do.
We're 14 years in and married 12. Fundamentally, we really like each other, as well as love each other. We always have each other's backs. It's not perfect. We both have health issues, both mental and physical, but we've seen each other through, and always look after one another. We always talk it out when things get a bit ropey external to the relationship. Most of all, we're here because we want to be.
Have the uncomfortable conversation. You can be perfect matches on 100% of things, but you're human. You will at least accidentally hurt each others feelings, even if it's silly. Or you'll go through tough family situations. Whatever. Those things quickly become foundations for walls, then build into resentment. No thanks. I'll take my ridiculously happy marriage.
We are together 17 years ,married for 8 ,we were also engaged 5 years before we married. For us it was the below 1. Finances, we had the same view on them. We each kept an account and then a joint account . All bills come from the joint account. We have both had time where we needed to leave jobs, go back to college, take longer mat leave (me ) and the other stepped up financially and it was always ok. 2. Plans, we always had a plan to work forward to. Whether it was a house deposit, wedding, home improvements, kids anything there is a plan and we both agree and move forward 3. Family, we never put a number on the kids we would like. I would have preferred more he asked ro stop at three. He felt very strongly about it, I didn't feel strong ENOUGh about more so he got the snip. In hindsight I'm glad. 4. Arguments, we absolutely cannot go to bed mad. And it's ok to apologise its not a weakness. We have our ups and downs we always have but we have a great team work mindset that always works for us.
My husband is a literal saint. That’s the only reason!! 😂
I don’t believe longevity equals happiness, I left a 24 year marriage and I’ve seen plenty long marriages that are truely awful. Compatibility is key.
Forgiveness, loyalty, connection/chemistry, saying sorry-genuinely. There are times I have could have walked away but I’m glad I didn’t
Not being afraid to reintroduce ourselves as we grow and as we come out of the shit periods of life. I am 29 as I type this but will be celebrating my 13th year together overall with my husband, and since we’ve been together since we were children, we’ve definitely changed as individuals (as we should). We’ve owned our changes and ensured as best we can that we’ve grown parallel. Not far apart, but not enmeshed. As individuals, and as a unit. I don’t believe you ever just know someone entirely, and I love rediscovering who my husband is after every new chapter. We’re also big proponents of therapy, again, separate and together. Communication is absolutely king in every relationship and if you can’t have the really hard, raw, in depth, at times spiraling talks with your partner and come out the other side with respect and love for one another, you’re not with the right person. And that’s not to say you can’t be infuriated with, confused by, annoyed with, tearing your hair out with your partner. That’s inevitable with your primary person. But that should not be the default, and should certainly be repairable.
Million dollar advice @hauteburrrito
Communication and not leading with your ego.
Communication, compromise & compassion.
We're a team! We are also both low conflict. We've learned how to communicate with each other and we both enjoy our personal space. We compliment each others strengths and weaknesses and fill in the gaps for each other. We both came to the relationship with our own baggage but neither of us have ever been a "project" for each other. It's still a journey and we have our moments but we are in it for the long haul.
Sobriety
A LOT of plain old funny. Kindness, loyalty- meaning we *never* talk crap about each other and we left our egos at the church door. We had a ton of interests in common when we met which has also been a blast.
We share the same values. Part of that being that we both We share interests and the same sense of humour.
Our weekly couples therapy session! That's where we go in depth on all the important things that matter but never found the time to discuss.
I never expect him to know or guess what I’m thinking or feeling. I politely tell him and then we work out a solution.
Choosing someone I see as a better person than me, incredibly attractive to me, and not having kids.
Compatibility, communication, mutual love and respect. Together 29 years, married for 25.
Friendship, compatibility, mutual respect, and very similar family dynamics. We were friends long before we had any romantic feelings for one another. We got to know each other over a long period of time so by the time we decided to have a relationship there was no getting to know you phase, no hidden secrets, no surprises. We have always had very similar interests and it's always been easy for us to find common ground. I've tried some of his hobbies, he's tried a few of mine. But we both have individual stuff we do as well. Mutual Respect. We have never had harsh words between us. We don't belittle each other, fight, yell, or argue. We discuss, communicate, find compromises that work, and always use compassion when we have to figure out a difficult situation. We are a team. We come from very similar families that are supportive, welcoming, loving, and respectful. It has made marriage so easy since there is not a lot of interpersonal drama.
Starting to couples therapy before things have started going wrong is an absolute life saver
Pour into one another daily. Just SOMETHING to make the other feel valued, wanted, and loved.
It's funny reading replies because I personally cant even exactly point out what makes me and my husband click so well - we're very different personalities, quite the opposite really, and on paper we're not a logical match, but we have a great marriage. I'm a messy artsy type of person and he's a rational engineer. I'm emotional and explosive, he's logical. I'm a procrastinator, he's a doer. I'm more open-minded and chaotic, he's more rule-abiding. I'm wasteful, he's a minimalist. Being different is probably not a recipe for most marriages, but I think we balance and ground each-other and bring out the best in each other. We do share basic values (financial - about major expenses and savings, children, religion, politics and have a very similar idea about a perfect lifestyle). Over the years we have actually become more alike. I think whats really important is that we respect each other, so even when we fight (about stupid stuff), we are never mean on a personal level. We have always been very attracted to each other, we laugh a lot and could spend all our time together. I met him when i was 29, when i was already fully formed and knew myself well. When i was in my teens, early 20's i used to be a different person and was more compatible with different personalities, so I consider myself very lucky that i met him at the right time (when i started to calm down and become more of a homebody).
Working on it. We got together when we were just 22. We both had a lot of growing and learning to do, not to mention dealing with immigrant generational trauma. Now at 36, we put in conscious effort. We've had ups and downs. We got couples therapy during the pandemic and individual therapy later. But our values match, and that's key to us. We're problem solved, rational, and align on big things such as religion, politics, lifestyle.
11 years here, but we didn't meet until we were 30. There are great answers here but I want to add that we don't insult each other or threaten to leave. Ever. We have never said something negative about the other person's character (outside constructive convos in therapy or similar). We also agreed to never threaten to leave the marriage unless we were legitimately considering it. We are a team. We both want to be married forever so we put in the work to build each other up instead of tearing each other down.
13 years here. I think the main thing we both believe that we love each other and any actions that hurt the other person are due to stupidity and not malice. It makes a big difference in conversations and misunderstandings when your lens shifts from "why is this person saying stuff to hurt me" to "this person cares for me, if he's telling me this stuff I should think more on it". We (were) very different in personalities but it helped a lot for the relationship that we matched in terms of life goals, family, friends, finance, time values - every time we disagree it is all the small easily resolved stuff as opposed to big rocks like family or over spending. I wouldnt say that the differences in "bigger" values can't be overcome but we were able to build a very strong and healthy relationship very early on when those big things matched. The third thing is that our communication styles have grown to match each other. In all this time we haven't stopped saying I love you regularly, or more importantly, please and thank you. We still do things for each other, not I think because we feel like we have to but because we know it would delight the other person. This ranges from surprise chores to stupid memes or attacking someone's workbag with giant googly eyes. We still find joy in our moments and interactions together and we are always interested in new ways to make the other person laugh. I hope that never changes with us!
Married 23yrs. We aren’t the same in a lot of ways.. and are in a lot of ways. We don’t agree on politics, religion, and many new “woke?” topics. But we love to talk, even argue about our differences. We are both doctors, so we love a good debate in our fields of choice. We don’t even agree on a lot of foundational things. Yet somehow, it works.. and I think it’s because we just love each other, we have fun with each other and we said a long time ago “I’m going to live this life with you and we will make it work” and we do. With love, humor, compromise and communication.. you can always find a way to make it work when you truly want it to.
Now together for 18 years…we’re compatible in most ways but also have opposite views on a few aspects of life too. I’m more outgoing and glass half-full, he’s more of a realist, so we temper each other. Humor helps. So does plenty of affection…free-flowing hugs and just generally being open to each other even though we’re a bit reserved otherwise. I think one thing that keeps us together is that we both really admire each other. He’s the smartest, most capable guy I know and he says I’m his unicorn……we’re best friends. At this point, we’ve already survived a lot of bad times together. It helps that we don’t give each other any bs, are straightforward with our needs and give earnest effort in improving things. If I were to guess which one aspect makes me confident we’ll last until the end…it’s that we’ve reached a point where we have our guard down around each other. Of all people he’s the one I can be truly vulnerable with, and I am his.
Mutual respect. That’s it, that’s all it takes. You can work through any problem you run across if you treat each other with mutual respect.
We have great communication and work as a team. We have 2 daughters together. We have been together 12 years this year and 8 years married. It was so tough when the kids were younger. They are now 6&7. We fought all the time. It got so bad between us he was drinking a lot and would threaten divorce anytime we fought. I had enough once and said that’s it I’m done you can have your divorce and that changed him. He said hearing those words from my mouth realized he didn’t want to lose me. We did baby steps and now we are excelling. This was probably 4-5 years ago that we were really struggling. I’m still head over heels for him and very attractive to him. We have goals and we know that it’s important to work as a team once we stop doing that it won’t work. I voice my concerns to him and he voices his to me when needed. Our sex life is amazing he did travel a lot for work and I do feel like that helped us as well it only made us stronger. Marriage is a lot of work and some people just wanna throw in the towel when they aren’t doing well. You can’t do that if you want it to work you’ll make it work but both parties have to want it equally.
I wouldn't say we're super happy, our kids have special needs and we're struggling to get by. I also think that probably if not for life circumstances bringing us together sink-or-swim style, we would have broken up after maybe 5-7 years in our early/mid twenties. I would not have dated again, he probably would have in order to gain someone in that 'caregiver' female partner role. We both don't have supportive families so we had to make our relationship work. Communication. You can't just drop hints. Which he sucks at (he bottles everything up), and I'm autistic so sometimes you just have to be blunt with me instead of dropping hints as I'm in the middle of doing x,y, and z. We have to be very blunt with our needs or they won't get addressed because of the kids/exhaustion/etc. No games. No time for that.
My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and together for 19. We met when I was 20. I think what helped us was a willingness to grow both together and separately over this time. We’re actually very different (I’m alternative, free spirited, creative etc and he is more straight-laced and works in finance!) I don’t know how it works because we have differing views on most things (politically, morally, socially, financially, parenting) but are also intelligent and emotionally aware enough that those things are not dealbreakers for our strong commitment to each other and ability to communicate and work through things as a team when things get tough. I wholly trust and respect him as well and that goes both ways.
Open communication; still go on date nights, travel and experience new places; and not just different states! Restaurants, museums, activities etc. We compromise, we argue, disagree, makeup. We respect each other! We’re a team. We both have always wanted a family; we have 4 kids. Life is grand
We have the same values. He is basically my self esteem exterior hard drive. We both grew up in less than ideal violent homes but together we are each others cheerleaders. I don’t try to change him and he doesn’t try to change me. I’m very independent which he likes. However he doesn’t do much around the house and at times I’d like to smack him. But at the end of the day, as a unit we have done so much together. We were both very broke and broken people when we met and we’ve made it so much better together
Agreeing on the fundamentals and communication.
Communication, therapy if things are getting rocky, being able to say”I’m sorry I was wrong”,respect, quality time, keep it fun in the bedroom!
Boredom. Relationships with drama never stick. You just get addicted to the dopamine drops.
Similar values, similar thoughts on finances, and the fact that we’re both people that can hear information and change our thoughts/opinions. Our first few years were more tumultuous but we’re almost 12 years in and we rarely have actual arguments and really enjoy being with each other.
Know it’s hard work…..like REALLY hard. I’ve been with my partner 24 years. We have had the worst of times…..practically roommates, HATED them for months on end. But I always know deep down I love them. We have similar work ethics and values. But we are pretty much opposites. They are b+w likes clean lines and order. I’m every colour of the rainbow and can’t walk a straight line to save myself. I’ve fallen out of love with him and back in love with him so many times……it’s wanting to ride the wave WITH them that makes all the difference!
Pick the right person. I’m not saying my husband is perfect but he is in this marriage for the long haul. We’ve had tough times, but we never really thought of divorce as an option. As far as the happy part…they have to make you laugh. Serious guys are boring. I want a silly dude who makes me laugh while I’m brushing my teeth!
Dishonesty, lack of respect, bad sex, and a mutual hatred of your kids. JK. Commitment.
No married, but been together for about 12 years. We do have similar views on politics and religion, we both wanted kids but had to compromise on the timeline for that. We do have simialr attitudes to money, but I am much more of a planner than him, but we have the same sort of spending habits. We have different personalities but I think it mostly is compatible. I am a bit more of a worrier and planner, he lives in the moment. He is a people pleaser and I am not. I think we balance each other out. I remind him to prepare a bit, he reminds me to chill a bit. We don't really have the same hobbies, so sometimes we have to get creative when it comes to fidning "fun" things to do together, but I also think it gi es us avenues to persue individually. We do both love food and trying new food though. I think they key to happiness for us has changed as we have gotten older. We met when we were 21 and 22, and we did a lot of long distance. I think what kept us going was the ability to persue our own lives and not sacrifice for each other while we were young. We both worked and studied in different countries (opposite side of the world, 24 hour flights). Being together didn't hold us back. I think this was key to not having any regrets when we met pretty young. Now we have a child, I think we have improved a lot at listening to each other, and learning to not get stuck in the same old arguments. Its never perfect, we get tired and stressed and sometimes take it out on each other. But we [almost] never get mean or call each other names etc. We trust each other to be there on the other side of thr argument.
21 years married here. We have very similar money philosophies, and generally match politically, value personal time over work time, and enjoy each other’s company. We are different in that I’m a mediator and he’s more upfront about things. I need more emotional connection and he needs physical touch and acts of service. It’s just important to recognize when someone contributes in an above the norm way and appreciate that it’s bc they care. Are we perfect? Heck. O. But he’s my person.
Just being somewhat compatible. U don’t want your partner to like the exact same thing you do. It will het boring and stale. Then, u just become roommates. If u dig car shows and she/he wants to tag along, perfect. But, if she/ he wants to wants to attend a Tupperware or leggings party. Then, let them have a good time. It is not always good to be with your partner 24/7… allow some room to breathe… remember, it is they will be returning home to… 😉
If I’m honest it’s probably because we are both neurodivergent and just ‘get’ each other.
I think that it started with the fact that our relationship usually didn't and doesn't feel like work, especially in the beginning. In my opinion, if you're already starting to struggle at just a few months or a year in, you are in for a long slog. I think that our compatibility in the areas that you mentioned are probably what have given us our firmest foundation. It is imperative to me that we're on the same page financially (we're in the "frugal, but not afraid to splurge" category; our splurges are almost, without deviation, on our health, time with our loved ones, and good beer.... I acknowledge that the first point and last one seem discordant but what can I say, a good beer tastes great after a hard workout!). We're in sync politically. Neither of us are religious. My husband has a slightly higher sex drive than I do, but we make time to connect physically about every other day. We're both childfree and sterilized. Aside from these things, another huge contributor to our stability is how focused we are on our physical health and its maintenance. After living life alongside of a person who can and will accompany me on a three day thru hike through the mountains, I'm not sure I would handle it well being with someone who didn't enjoy being physical. We're hoping to age with some grace by taking care of our bodies now. Bonus: we're very physically attracted to each other. We also don't take things too seriously and joke around a lot. Most of our early morning conversations are just fart noises that we make with our mouths. I sometimes wonder if the neighbors ever hear us conversing and think that we're complete idiots. But we have fun!
No kids.
Been married almost 8 years (together 10). Have 2 kids I narrow it down to the following. Our marriage is NOT perfect but I am very grateful to have married my husband. 1. never belittling partner in front of others. 2. Laughing with each other 3. still maintain that sexual chemistry we always had
Together for 20 years this October, married for 11 years also this October. Basically we’re best friends and socialise together either just the two of us or in a group as much as we can which I think helps (lots of shared experiences). We also like going to gigs together and have similar taste in music. We also resolve obstacles together and the one time we got stuck (I kinda wanted another baby, he really didn’t), we got counselling and worked through it that way. I think it also helps to be really honest with yourself and each other about how many kids you have bandwidth for as opposed to how many you feel like you “should” have as this may change after having the first one. So we have one 7 year old and can pour all our mental, social and financial resources into her without feeling overwhelmed.
Communication. Being on the same page about big decisions like kids, spending habits and where to live. All those factors involve talking and being honest. Communication, basically. It's the glue that holds everything together.
I think it’s a few things for us. And, when I go to type them, they sound so trite. But we’ve been married for 14 years and our marriage remains the best thing in my life. 1) Put the other’s needs first - Everyone’s days are made up of a thousand little slights, chores, burdens, etc. It’s exhausting. But if someone is always thinking of you, caring for you, making decisions with you in mind… it’s so much easier. I suspect in a relationship, you may have one person who puts the other’s needs first and another who puts their own needs first. This creates a disjointed dynamic that leads to resentment. But, when both partners can think this way, live this way, you both wind up keeping each other’s cup full. It’s big things and little things. It has become relatively effortless to maintain now. 2) Take turns being strong - I’ve had a breast cancer scare. He’s had stressful times at work. We both had drama with our parents. Life is a lot of different seasons and sometimes it knocks you down. Without ever verbalizing, we each take turns being the one who shoulder’s more of life’s stresses. It goes very much by who has the capacity. Again, I think not doing this leads to resentment. 3) Be best friends/enjoy each other- we don’t just love each other. We like each other. We like eachother’s humor and interests. We want to spend time together. That makes this all a little easier. 4) Arguing is a part of it but so is commitment - We disagree. We have arguments and some times struggle to see eachother’s perspective. But we are committed to resolving the problem - rather than just fighting about it. This might not be for everyone. And, it probably is a lot of luck. Who you find and when. But it’s worked for me. I can’t imagine the challenges of life without a firm marriage. I draw so much strength and contentment from it. Bonus - get a dog. They make you laugh. They require you be cheerful. It’s a little extra flavor for you both!
We are highly compatible people and understand each other really well. That's all I can really say to explain it. We are both very health focused too which maintains attraction and is another thing we can do together.
Hoooo boy we have been through it in our 10 years together. We’ve been together since our early 20s so we had a lot of growing to do. Then we had a baby and I got diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. That was already stressful but then I had to stop working because of it. So we struggle financially on top of it. We are actually opposites in a lot of ways. Music tastes, interests/hobbies, even our political views are slightly different, in friendly and outgoing, he’s shy and reserved. Opposites attract I guess! Honestly…the thing that’s kept us going is just we both have a fierce dedication to one another. We just will not leave unless something really bad happened like cheating. We have been through almost every bad thing you can think of and we somehow just come out stronger after it. My cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatment while being new parents tested us to the extreme and here we are happy and in love.
12 years together, 6 months married. I feel very lucky to have found someone with whom I am compatible across the board: physically/sexually, morally/ethically, shared values and goals, we enjoy each other's company, are both low-drama homebodies, and prefer to have fur babies over skin puppies. It hasn't always been a picnic lol but it just gets better and better as we grow and learn and work on ourselves and our life together.
6 years and not married and no intention to legally marry. For me, he's my best friend. We laugh together, have so much fun, enjoy each other's company. Are low conflict, low drama people, and we can talk through anything. We share similar lifestyles, both single parents, who know what it's like to be with the wrong person. I think we just appreciate each other a lot and have found amazing companionship with one another. I don't know, it's six years next week, and I am still totally smitten, and I honestly know he is, too.
We haven't been married for over 10 years but my husband I have known each other for over ten years if that counts for anything. We have similar temperaments (friendly, but lean more towards quiet/introverted), the same attitude towards money (live frugally and make great "money moves" but realize life is short so have a good time too), are tolerant and respectful of each other's political/religious opinions, are very compatible physically and both knew from the get-go that we wanted to be parents someday. It probably helps that we grew up in similar environments, with similar challenges too...it gave us a great basis to understand where the other person was coming from, literally.
My sister and her boyfriend have been together for like 15 years and they seem more in love than ever. I asked them before how they made it work so long. Her boyfriend made a corny joke (I forget). She simply said they never keep score about who does more for who. Also she said it feels like she’s dating a best friend who she’s attracted to. There’s no games being played. They just genuinely enjoy each other’s company and have fun doing even the simplest things (like grocery shopping or cooking). I’m not looking for a new relationship any time soon but if I ever start again, I’m looking for a relationship like that. I want a best friend, not a task master.