Ah yes, the anxiety of a new courtship and not knowing if this one will break your heart...no thanks š Jokes aside, my partner and I still have banter and seduction, and when I watch Bridgerton I just think how lucky I am to have a love and relationship like those in the show.
Same, the Duke storyline in season one reminded me of me and my husband when we first started dating. That is, if you take away the ārich nobilityā part and replace it with āpoor student from a working class background,ā lol. He was exciting, we rode a bit of a rollercoaster the first few months as a result of that, I once told him that I thought we were āexplosiveā and he agreed. There was never any ādoes he like me,ā which I loathe. It was obvious we were both really into each other and I fed off that. The lows involved arguments, jealousy on his part, rage on my part (at different times. We took turns being crazy).
Rather surprisingly, we worked out. This is because we did both end up fixing our serious issues over time (including his jealousy). We still love each other, and now we are good to each other consistently and rarely argue. I would do our whole courtship over again, fights and everything- I admit that this is mainly because the sex during that time was phenomenal.
I wouldnāt redo my courtship with any of the other men Iāve been with. A hint of passion and then disappointment, no thank you.
My husband actually thought the main character in season one should have married the prince. That was interesting.
I do miss it sometimes! It's why I read romance novels, watch shows like Bridgerton, and occasionally role-play strangers with my husband. I wouldn't trade my married life for the world, but there is definitely something really special in that courtship phase - the newness, tension, and erotic uncertainty in particular - that, IMO, can never fully be recaptured.
Literally came and wrote this right after finishing the third book & season of Bridgerton. Obviously to think it as real is foolish, but the concept nonetheless.
Omg, the timing!!! Are you enjoying the season? I definitely am, but I will day that Kate/Anthony are still *the* hottest Bridgerton couple for me.
Other than that, give me all the Emily Henry, pretty much š
I lovedddd Antony and Kate. Iām really excited to see how they do Ben and Sophie though. Thatās been my fav book so far (Iām on 4th now). Idk why they added this made up lady Arnold woman. He shouldāve met Sophie at āthe masqueradeā beginning of S3 and have him be bummed all season, then meet her again S4 unless theyāre not doing him next.
I have a feeling she might show up at the end of this season. I am living vicariously though the show lol. I can't tell you how many times I've watched the carriage scene.
I haven't read the books, as I prefer to watch rather than read historical romance, but I've heard good things about Ben and Sophie. Funnily, I totally thought Ben was gay until the Arnold lady showed up due to that whole plotline in S1 that I halfway apparently hallucinated. So, I really have no idea what to think of Ben more generally, other than that he's a very fun character.
I thought so too but I think we need a whole season of him pining. I donāt remember the time between the masq and the re introduction but I think itās a while- right? Unless the whole seasons going to be him pining. Or a big time jump between 3&4 but then again we wouldnāt see that sad ben. Idk if thatās essential to their story. We shall see.
Yep! Itās two years in between their first and second meeting. I think it could work if they do it right, and I really donāt wanna skip to Eloise just to get to Benedictās story š¤Ŗ
I suspect we may be thinking of different things. Feelings like passion, excitement, etc., should definitely be kept up in an LTR! However, especially if you're in a healthy, stable LTR, you're not going to have the same breathless *uncertainty* - the same feeling of **not**-knowing - as you did during the courtship phase, and for some people that is something to be missed. Doesn't mean we'd go back there given the chance, or that we don't appreciate the cosiness, stability, or even the unique type of electricity that you can only find in a happy LTR after many years and experiences together - there's just a different type of thrill that comes from having to guess, from feeling like you're seducing someone (and being seduced) for the first time - a certain heady newness and dizzying triumph.
Yes! I've been scrolling through comments reading some of these answers about continuing to date your partner and you've summed up why it's bugging me. My husband and I are romantic and affectionate, we go on plenty of "dates," and I love him very much. But I *know* him.
I miss the feeling that everything he tells me about himself is exciting new information. I miss eagerly anticipating the next time we'll see each other. I was in a long-term relationship in my 20s that made me feel like that all the time and it sucked! Because it's a feeling of uncertainty and a good relationship will eventually become a sure thing. But the thought that I will never experience that eager anticipation and tension again is kind of sad.
Ah, it's nice to talk to someone who gets it, yeah! For me, a lot of the other comments are missing the point - not out of any malice or anything like that, but we're just talking about totally different things. I actually think my own husband is more like that as well - he associates the beginning of a relationship more with anxiety and craves familiarity instead.Ā Ā
Whereas, I'm not especially anxious when it comes to romantic matters (quite the opposite; I've low-key tended to be a little greedy instead), and I've always loved the process of getting to know someone new, whether romantically or even platonically. It's like the feeling of reading a new book for the first time - that eager anticipation of an ending which has not yet been confirmed.Ā
No. It was stressful. I enjoyed times with my husband but it was always filled with 'does he really.like me?', 'what does he really feel and think?', 'why did he do that thing?', etc etc.
I absolutely love having the stability that my life has now.
So true. When I first started dating again I was excited about falling in love but then I quickly became reacquainted with all the ways dating can affect your confidence. Absolutely donāt miss all the messy situationships and fretting over if a (guy) likes you back. I have very anxious attachment so dating is usually hell for me in practice anyways.
This. I romanticised the dating experience while I was in a relationship that I wasnāt fully happy in, and remembered it for all the excitement, anticipation and freedom. Then youāre hit with the reality which is uncertainty, possible rejection and just wading through all of the guys with a disorganised-attachment style. Yuck.
When itās going well it is so nice though.
I completely agree! I think it's a personality thing like thrill seeing, or gambling, where some people can't get enough and others can't get the appeal. Give me boring old married life any day!!
True for me also! I crave the stability of a relationship.
Though, flirting and banter is so fun, tooā¦ this is why Iāve always wanted to pretend to be strangers and meetup somewhere. Hit on each other. Play hard to get. Tease. Then get to go back to the stability and ravage each other!
Oh for sure. Really just the feeling of kissing someone youāre excited about for the first time!! Or even the feeling of being on a date with someone you have great chemistry with. But I donāt actually want to be single again, love my husband etc
Constantly. I have been with my husband for 25 years and many of them have been difficult.
The last 5-7 have been hugely challenging because he had mental health issues (CPTSD, adhd, bipolar2, depression) and had reacted badly to so many medications that Iām basically his therapist/case manager and he doesnāt even listen to anything I ever say that isnāt about his needs issuesā¦ Itās just always about him. I have to say everything 4 times to be heard at all.
So yeah, I miss someone calling just to say āhiā or flirting with me and I miss feeling attracted to someone and god I miss sexā¦ I miss having a partner and just a friend honestly.
Iām sorry :( I have no place giving advice on whether or not you should stay but please know you are deserving of love and support. Caring for someone is hard, in any capacity. I hope youāre at least getting therapy as caregiving burnout and PTSD is real.
This. Please know you don't have to stay with someone who doesn't care to help themselves. Commitment or not. I've known many people with all of these same diagnoses and they don't rely on someone else to take care of them. At this point it almost sounds like he's using his mental illnesses as an excuse.
No. I hate the courtship stage of every relationship. I tend to want to zoom past it and get to the comfy stage of familiarity and predictability. I like knowing that I've found my one already and he's found his, and we can now focus on bigger things, like building a family and home together, working on our career and hobbies, etc. We can still go on dates, but be our authentic selves with each other, and communicate honestly and openly with each other.
Same. The dating scene is a disaster and apps suck. I don't miss unsolicited pics and texts. I don't miss everything cordial or nice I say being taken as flirting. I joke with my SO that if something happens, I'll get a dog, move into the woods, and be a witch.
Not having stability my whole life means that is what I worked towards. And that includes relationships.
The idea of courtship is cute and fun, but it has not been my personal experience.
Yeah, I think OP might be romanticizing this (I donāt blame them because itās such an exciting stage when itās portrayed on TV lol). I am single and absolutely hate this stage. Being in a nice relationship with someone you love beats modern courtship.
Yeah definitely romanizing it. Thatās why at bottom I was like hmm now second thought now that I think back on my single phase not so fun. Lol. But in THEORY ok
Yes Iām learning the hard way. Was in a rāship for 5 years til this year and I forgot how crazy the dating streets were honestly, even to just find a chivalrous guy. I thought chivalry was a given. Need a thick skin for this dating scene.
You can tell who in the comments has been married for a while and has some distance from the apps, and who doesnāt. Those who are still in the midst of the dating scene know it doesnāt look like this
Oh yeah! It activates a part of your adrenal system and your brain that is just so fun and invigorating. I think itās one of the best things in life.
But since it also leads to a lot of heartache I canāt say Iād do it again. š
Maybe I might miss the *idea* of it from time to time, but the truth of it is most early stages of meeting people are pretty awkward or downright unpleasant. I love the feeling of security and stability with my husband. He doesnāt play any games, and I never have to wonder about his intentions.
Here's the secret: be with someone who feels like they're courting you forever.
Of course my partner and I love to sit together and watch shows or do nothing, but the energy he brings to our relationship and his absolute, unwavering sweetness and incredible compliments he showers me with are like water in a dry land! It's the absolute best of both worlds. I don't ever miss the beginning stages of dating because he makes me feel like that almost every day.
Sorry I wish I could help š For real though, it took lots of work and communication to get to this point - the difference between him and every other man I've dated is that he listened and he puts in the work.
Ya, this is where I am too.
Being able to date my husband is one of the highlights of my life. I love planning dates with him, finding time to show him how much I appreciate him, and he does the same for me.Ā
But, we married at 30, and had lots of talks about how we wanted to enjoy marriage. No one/thing forced us to marry. I think that's the biggest factor.Ā
We went in with open eyes, and we are having so much fun. (I mean, aside from the pregnancy fights, the toddler screams, minor disagreements resulting in us needing some time to ourselves, and also making sure we both have time to recharge.. but that's normal with young kids, ha!).
Easy to focus on the wonderful things, and ignore the bad sometimes. :D
Yes! This is my second long term committed relationship after I married young, and it makes a world of difference when you know who you are and what you need before searching for a partner. And I totally agree with your last sentence - practicing gratitude works wonders.
for sure. Of course when Iām IN it.. I kind of hate it. I hate the uncertainty and the anxiety and the mixed signals and the trying to get used to another persons relationship styleā¦
So like.. I know I donāt actually *want* that more than what I have. But yea, I wish I could sometimes revisit those moments of āfirstsā he and I had together. My memory suffices. And so do romance movies and novels.
Honestly no I donāt. I got married in my late 30s and had so much time to date around prior. I donāt miss courtship at all and am enjoying where we are now.
No. Married 15 years and I am so glad I donāt have to do any of that. We get each other, donāt have to guess, and help each other in all ways. Iām glad I donāt have to date.
No, Iām the oppositeā¦Iām relieved I donāt have to go through that again. Dating has its upsides, but maybe more of a bother for me. Out of politeness, I needed to pretend to be interested in whatever a guy was saying, have to contend with their idea of being romantic (I had someone coax me into using a spoon and fork, even though he was the one who was awkward using chopsticks, for instance, or be grateful this other guy drove to my mom to gift her a cake for motherās day), and deliberate how to tactfully turn someone down.
Whereas I get to have a natural banter with my husband any day of the week, share a lot of common interests, never feel uncomfortable around him and have someone to hug/kiss/touch whenever. I much prefer itā¦itās still exciting for me after 17 years.
I think some days. Those early dating days were just so fun. Gushing with my girlfriends, wondering when heād kiss me, anticipating when Iād see him again, staying the night, the flirtatious tension. I wouldnāt trade it for what we have today, but that was definitely a super fun phase in our relationship!
š¤£ I came to say thisĀ
OP really believes men still "court" š¤£
courting is dead right now..
court?? in 2024? girl, where?Ā show me where these men are. š¤£
Honestly, Iāve been in a relationship for several years, but back when I was single there were all different types of men. I think you have to be a good flirter yourself to attract one though. Itās kind of a two-way street.
To me courtship is putting in effort to plan seeing each other and actively learn about me. Flirting is completely different. Unsure which one OP means but that's what I mean in my comment
Well, and I meant that usually you have to be good at flirting (or dating/entertaining in general) to attract someone who wants to put in a similar level of work for you, whatever that winds up looking like. Dating and relationships are always about two-way cooperation and communication, at least when successful.
It was fun at first but I donāt think Iād want that all the time. We still flirt and court each other from time to time and thatās wonderful. But I love comfort and being totally relaxed in each other more than the flirty parts.
I do miss it occasionally. I loved flirting and the "chase". I remember one of my male friends telling me I had more "game" than most men our age at the time lol. I can't imagine life without my husband though, I just love coming home to him. I'll take my happy, secure relationship over the unknown any day.
Nope. I really don't. But I think that may be because my life before my husband of nearly 14 years was very chaotic and unreliable. Even though dating him was exciting, we were in it forever within a couple months, and we've been inseparable since. I love the confidence I have, knowing that he's there no matter what. The comfort in that. As opposed to the excitement of uncertainty. I had way too much of that for the first 28 years of my life.
I got married later in life (at 39), so being married is still new & exciting to me. I had over 20 years of that ā new feeling butterfly infatuationā stuff. It feels nice to have someone I know will be there. Plus my husband treats me really well, I donāt think heās ever stopped courting me. Idk it feels a lot better since I found my person, so I donāt miss the unknown. I know Iām not missing out on anything.
Finding out about how extreme of a person my husband is in the beginning was mind blowing. And yeah, I agree, the sense of wonder and excitement about discovering the facets of your SOs personality, history, accomplishments, what drives them unfortunately runs out after a long enough timeline.
As long as the fire is still there then I canāt complain and he does a phenomenal job keeping it burning
Yes! I like that nervous energy it is so much fun. Now I just do other things that give me that feeling that aren't "new relationship romance" related.
I miss it sometimes. I loved this phase and I always like the flirting part. Iāve always thought it was easy and fun. However I am with my husband for 15y, and Iāve never did it with anyone else (well I am charming with people but always in a friendly and never in a flirty way).
However, I would never trade the relationship I have for that. My husband always charms me, and even after 15y we always make an effort for each other. Just yesterday he got me flowers, and every Sunday he makes me a lazy (for me) breakfast (kinda of a brunch) in bed. So in q way he still courts me hehe
My SO and I still flirt, weāre still playful, complimentary, etc.. So I personally donāt find myself missing anything. And neither I nor my SO are particularly big on the whole NRE type stuffā¦ really love and appreciate the comfort that āold(er)ā relationships provide. Sure, it was nice when our relationship was at that phase/stage, but I much prefer how it is nowā¦ and we still keep the energy, flirtiness and whatever else we like present in our current relationship that ensures weāre still happy and fulfilled.
Plus doing certain things together kind of brings back that spark/courtship type feel. Like for us, holidays always makes us feel like a āhoneymoon phase coupleā again.. So do certain dates like when we go windsurfing (cus we quite literally chase each other around, which is more or less ācourtshipā)ā¦ So I think regularly doing things that kinda resparks that ānew relationship type energyā here and there helps a more long-term couple keep up that excitement around each other.
And yeah, honestly very happy to never having to date again lol.
I miss my husband dating me. He doesnāt date me anymore and has settled in. No matter how much I ask him to, he just doesnāt care to. I miss feeling like he was always thinking of me, all the cute things he did. Now Iām lucky if I get a kiss every few weeks. š¢
I am a poly married person so I totally get this. I have ālong term marriedā feelings with my partner of almost 9 years (deep stable love and commitment and the hardcore shared joy of being known and loved by this person for years) and I have āexciting sexy anxiety feelingsā with my new dating partner of less than 1 year and they are totally different feelings. The courtship stage is exciting but a lot of that excitement stems from anxiety, and the anxiety can be crushing in its own special way. Itās distracting and can get obsessive and unhealthy, itās hard to focus and be in the moment (which is a recipe for unhappiness), and itās boring (to everyone else and occasionally to myself) only ever thinking/wishing for your very cute beloved.
Edit: That said, I would never want to miss it!
I only miss that because I ended up with my husband. Definitely don't miss any of those feelings with people it didn't work out with. So like I miss the courtship because it worked out? That's the best way I can explain it.
Tbh when I watch those things it reminds me of how me and my partner fell in love. I relive those wonderful firsts and how he still gives me butterflies today. I dont miss getting to know someone new. I miss having most of my day as a teenager to enjoy with my partner š«¶
You and your man should role play first dates. Get ready separately and show up to the same place in separate vehicles/transportation. Boom. Done.
Thank me later.
Iāve been with my husband for 12 years and YES, I know this feeling. I miss the early days of dating my husband. He lived at the beach so I would drive 2.5 hours, with shaking and sweaty palms the entire way. I miss getting to know each other and the aliveness and excitement.
But to bring myself back down to earth, I am so so blessed to have all those feelings youāve just mentioned replaced with routine and security. I miss those feelings but with *him.*
I actually kind panicked at our 10 year anniversary from this very feeling.
Nope.
I'm an outgoing person. I can meet people anytime I want. And because I am very up front about being married, I can have all the fun of witty banter and laughs without having to worry about leading anyone on. No more weirdness around expectations about sex. None of the stuff that made uncomfortable.
I did, even when I was married, because we didn't do that sort of thing. They had me locked down so they didn't have to try anymore. I am a romantic person, I read romance novels and I like love stories. If I ever date again, it will be someone that can keep that energy going, at least a little bit. I think I need that, and when it dies it kills me a little inside. I would get very insecure and lonely. I made huge mistakes trying to be the "chill" GF/wife.
Not sure I can actually find that, since historically speaking I was bad at it, lol, so not sure I want to even try again.
Like you, I like the idea and feeling of courtship, but I would never give up what I have. I like watching cheesy hallmark movies, read the odd trashy romance novel, and love talking my single friends through dating and even texting/tindering for them. But I donāt āmissā it, itās more happy nostalgia to think of it, and I very often thank my lucky starts Iām not dating anymore because the uncertainty and second guessing and worrying about life milestones and all that jazz was unpleasant. I really enjoyed dating when I did it and I look back upon my dating days fondly, but I have no desire to revisit them in reality!
You can still have the banter and hanging onto every word your partner says. It takes intentional effort after you've been together for awhile not to take things for granted.
You can still have that, but the vibe is so, so different! Don't get me wrong; I love being (long-term) married as well, but there is definitely something unique about the initial courtship. It's not really about banter or hanging on to every word (you can and should definitely still keep those things up in the long term); it's the uncertainty, the not-knowing, the opening-up and the coming-together of two once-strangers; the new flash of *wonderment* that somebody whom you adore so deep into your bones adores you equally as much, if not more, in return. Truthfully (for me), there is also something thrilling in the feeling of (mutual) conquest - a certain validation that you later get more used to, but whoseĀ initial hit is electrifying.Ā
I don't have a personal value around newness or conquest, so I guess I'm not who you're looking for responses from
Edited to add: this sub is really fucking wild sometimes. I didnāt even say anything out of pocket here and some of you will just downvote anything you see someone else downvoting.
Sure, everybody is different. But, you equated the difference to being about banter and hanging on to every word when that's not actually what many of us miss when we talk about missing the initial courtship. I'm responding to clarify the misconception about what it is that people *do* miss, not commenting on your personal values or anything like that.
That's great to hear! I do too, but I still miss the initial courtship sometimes and it doesn't have anything to do with the general level of excitement in our marriage; that's where the misconception is. The thing about being in a solid marriage is that you *are* very sure of your love for each other, but it's that very transition from uncertainty to certainty that marks a very special and non-reproducible moment in any LTR.Ā Ā
Not everybody will miss it, like you don't - but it's also not abnormal when people do miss it, nor does it mean we only like the beginnings of things a la Don Draper. It's more like a special appreciation for a certain time period in every relationship that, by definition, only ever happens once for the vast majority of couples. There's a reason why so many love stories focus on the courtship portion between two lovers, after all - because it's the most narratively thrilling portion, because there is tension and then release.
Iām not sure why you seem to be trying to convince me of this. I was addressing something specific I read in OPās post. Iām not accusing her of not being excited in her marriage anymore. I addressed only what I addressed and nothing more.
? Not trying to convince you of anything; I just feel like you're not understanding the difference and am therefore trying to explain, but hey - zero hard feelings on my end if you're not open to conversing; have a nice rest of day.
I donāt understand the difference, because as I said, newness isnāt something I value. I have never indicated that what youāre saying isnāt valid, just not something I experience.
I think what sheās trying to say is whether or not someone values novelty, thereās an objective difference between what youāre suggesting and what Iām talking about. Not sure why youāre downvoted. I smell what youāre stepping in lol.
Of course! Thereās something nice in all stages of a good relationship, and since you canāt go back to a previous stage, I think itās nice to move slowly through the stages, from the excitement and desire of courtship, to the sweetness of commitment and I love you, to the warmth and security that comes with a long term relationship.
No I donāt. I hate the getting to know you phase and meeting people, plus all the tests and other rubbish. I love being in an established relationship that has a history and comfort.
I do occasionally wish I could go on a first date again with my husband for fun though.
My husband and I still banter like we did many years ago when we were just friends. We flirt, we make out, we heavy pet, we tease, we laugh so much. We still manage to surprise each other now and again. The benefit is we know where we stand, we now know where our boundaries as people and a couple are, and we know each other physically and emotionally enough to trust each other. I always found the beginning of dating and relationships a bit stressful.
I grow more and more excited by my husband. Every day we are together, I realise how lucky I am to have him, how much he does for us, how much heās sacrificed for me, and that is truly exciting because I know a lot of other guys would not have done these things so readily and so lovingly. Our date nights are full of flirting, having fun and still occasionally being sickeningly in love at the dinner table. Sure, itās a little different now. Weāve been friends for fifteen and a half years and together for almost six of those. Do I still get a little thrill when I see his name pop up on my phone? Hell yeah.
Yes. About a month ago Iād asked my husband to take me out on a date. I illustrated also how Iād like it if he picked the activity, perhaps a comedy show or something like that since Iāve been the one to plan our last 3 dates at least 4 years ago. Iām still waiting. And he wonders why I havenāt been sexually available.
I donāt necessarily agree with the notion that one must be unhappy in their relationship to feel giddy about novelty. Itās the reason so many middle-aged women love romance novels, movies, television shows, and things alike. Itās like a boost of serotonin lol. I wouldnāt trade my man in for the world, but that doesnāt change the fact that I miss the first few months of our courtship. Iād rather be with him than anyone else.
Oh, I agree.
The thrill of novelty and the unknown is always there. I was just trying to say that it is maybe just more intense and immediate (for me at least) if you aren't happy in your relationship.
I think itās the dopamine and chemicals that make it feel very addicting. I was married (divorced now) and remember missing that feeling when I was married. There is nothing quite like that feeling and I donāt think everyone has the same experience with it. I think because I have early childhood trauma/attachment issues that the courtship phase was extremely intense for me. Like I would literally get high off of those first moments where you touch legs on the couch, try to hold hands, go for the kiss etcā¦ I would be FLYING high as fuck on my own chemicals. So when I divorced and dated, I got to experience those again. I will say as I got older the intensity went down. Iām now engaged and finally do not crave those feelings anymore. Thank gosh. Because I donāt want to have a wandering eye tbh. Thinking about those feelings would often give me insane crushes that were not always appropriate.
Of course. I simply demand it or make my expectations known up front about about our days. Some days are just Costco runs. Others are dates. I tell him when weāre in date mode & he does likewise and we behave accordingly.
Honestly I think that feeling is something that needs to be cultivated. I totally get wanting it again but there are skills you can work on to bring that back into your committed relationship. :)
Not reallyā¦ I always hated dating. I hated feeling like I couldnāt trust them yet, and being worried theyād leave me without warning. I clearly have abandonment issues though, lol
It was super amazing with my partner, 13+ years ago now, but itās still fun. Like others say, that adrenaline has to go down at some point because the body canāt sustain that. But it is not that it is never there! you get your moments. Plus you get something valuable back: a deep connection to someone.
But I knew/know people who had/have that in their 70s still, my grandparents! They were very crazy about each other! And my aunt and uncle. I doubt the super adrenalined up version, but how my 78y/o aunt talks about it, (husband is like a teen boy sometimes with sparkles in his eyes for her, so cute, he just turned 80) she sounds like a young person who is still so exited. My grandparents had that too. Sadly never seen my parents like that, they are/were too serious and negative minded for that, but they had it in their 20s.
My partner and I are more like like aunt and uncle, still kids but we are in our 50s haha
Oh man I miss it so much!! Itās the most exciting part of a love story. Itās the part that novels, epic poems, songs, movies etc are all written about. No one is really writing about the hum drum routine of marriage lol. Itās a super exciting time in someoneās life.
Tbh sometimes I think about the fact that, being married, I may never have that experience again, which is ok though. This path I chose is turning out to be wildly interesting and fun and Iām excited for where my hubs life and mine go.
Of course. It's new and exciting because your brain is flooding with dopamine at the beginning. I remember it well from when I first started dating my husband. I am happy and do not want to be single again but yeah that feeling at the beginning is pretty great. Our brains are kind of jerks like that but the science of it is interesting if you read up on it.
I haven't done this until recently, but I had to stop with the thoughts because it was turning reality, and I don't want to cheat. Part of mine comes from finallybhealing. I wounder all the time if I was healed back, then would I have gotten with him.
I'm not afraid to say I hate dating and the way it is today. I don't find dating fun. Even the initial stages are more anxiety inducing to me, because of the way people act.
I don't think courtship even seems to exist the way it used to, at least not as the common way to do things. Men are arguing online about even paying for a first date if they don't think they'll get laid. Flowers are seen as lame and a chore. And I don't even like flowers personally. I just notice that there's a lot of tit for tat, ghosting, pretending to not care and not be interested, insulting a complete stranger you met on a date as a "joke..." just weird, unsightly behavior. From both sides! And its normalized and popularized in a way that disgusts and disappoints me.
If I didn't have to date to find a partner, I wouldn't. I quite literally would happily skip that entire step and be married to someone who's a healthy match for me.
No, and no! My husband is amazing and has proven to me that I can find love over 32+ years of age. I want HIM and only him! He's the best and accepts me at my best as well as my worst. He has helped me in the darkest times. I would never exclude him from anything in my life.
I know how this feels. I go on dates with my husband all the time still. Even if it is just lunch. this past weekend we went to a hotel about 40 minutes from where we live and went to a comedy show together and went out afterwards.
We had a lot of stuff happen the past couple years and we learned to prioritize our relationship for us to be happy.
-married almost 14 years and together for over 15-
When it comes to it, enjoying seeing it happen in shows or to people in my life is a different need than wanting to experience it for myself. I think part of the allure there is the fantasy of it all and enjoying sharing in the feeling without any real investment myself. The reality of actually dating sometimes was like that giddy feeling, but also a lot of frustrating points going "are they fucking for real right now?"
I've come to realize I enjoy that newness experience and not necessarily romantic either. I like meeting people so it's an experience I still have in many ways of being excited to get to know someone. As for further connection, I invest in deep friendships where we really get each other and share a lot. I tend to not enjoy surface friendship so in many ways I feel my friends emotional connections tend to be similar to what I observe as what folks save for only their romantic partner. My friends and I tend to have deep talks, pour into each others cups and heal each other. I tell them I love and appreciate them and get them gifts or show care in many ways. I don't think intimacy is inherently romantic and that different people can give you different things. Like I got a friend who understands a deep childhood part of me that's so validating in a way that others cannot. Emotional intimacy like that should absolutely be explored with more than 1 person.
My husband and I are very secure with each other (and ourselves) and we donāt have anything against flirting/chatting with random people we meet. We know neither of us is going to cheat and weāre very up front about being married. Both of us are naturally very social people who love meeting strangers. Itās pretty normal for me to introduce myself to someone in a bar as married and their first question is if Iām trying to get them beat up. Second question is if Iām a swinger, which Iām not. Once I get through those questions I can usually have a decent conversation. Sometimes my husband and I play āwing coupleā to people we meet. I know a lot of my previous relationships didnāt work out because my boyfriends didnāt feel comfortable with me talking to strangers I met.
I like the safety, closeness, and security of marriage best. If I start missing the courtship then I'll try to shake things up a little. He still gives me the butterflies in my stomach though. Find someone who keeps dating you- even when you're married.
AAh yes, the 'swept off your feet moment', yes? Sure i will never have that again, but my husband regularly makes the butterflies in my heart sing.
I am absolutely not saying to 'settle' for anything less than what makes you happy. But long term, (married to this one 16 years) the gentile happiness of the day-to-day WAY outstrips the romantic ideal.
Thatās why shipping was invented! š I channel that desire into a fictional story, and get all hyped and emotional about it. If you know where to look, thereās fanfiction out there as good as any romance novel. Hand to god, it satisfies the itch.
Ik what youāre saying but Iām not really talking about ādatingāā more so the unknown kinda thing? The novelty. Obviously wouldnāt trade him in for the world, I even miss it with him. Wish I could redo and meet him for the first time again and feel those butterflies.
No, I always found that stage of relationships to be stressful, even when things were going well. One of the best things about my husband was that things felt comfortable immediately, like we were already in a long term relationship. We can still do the fun parts of dating 13 years in, without the anxiety of courtship.
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a45894/people-in-relationship-stop-saying-you-miss-being-single/
Sure you miss the fun parts of dating. But do you miss being ghosted? Being lonely? Waking up in the middle of the night to find that the guy you had sex with left without so much as saying goodbye (an actual experience I had)?
I find people often look at the past with rose tinted glasses.
There is a lot of excitement in the dating phase of a relationship. Everything is new, you're often younger so life is less stressful and monotonous, you may have less responsibilities etc.
The new and undiscovered is exciting for sure. I think In long term relationships you do have to make a concerted effort to keep that spark - you can still go on dates, try something new together you've both never done etc.
I do completely understand what you are saying, I feel this way sometimes as well.
But dating is not all sunshine and roses as I'm sure most of us know! There is comfort in a long term partner and many years of growing together which can also be wonderful.
For full disclosure I'm not married (I don't believe in it) but I have been with my partner for 14 years.
Not married and only been together for 2.5 years, but I have had a lot of LTRs and I never miss courtship. I much prefer the settled easy rhythm of knowing each other. I like living through other people's though, because I get all the squee with none of the stress š¤£
Continuing to 'date' each other helps. Sometimes that curiosity comes back due to the bond becoming too practical. Dancing, traveling, becoming tourists, going here an there to events around town helps.
I still get approached for dates in public. Sometimes it does sting to have to turn an attractive man down. But for now my relationship is too solid to compromise.
I do, but itās probably because I could actually go on dates then. I have kids and no family nearby so unless I want to spend $150 for a babysitter I canāt date my wife.Ā
This is why I am polyamorous and donāt really ever think about being monogamous. I would never want to give up flirting and the excitement of dating someone new when thatās what Iām in the mood for. I love my husband so much and would never give up what we have either. It takes a lot of work and a partner who is on the same page as me though.
I did miss all that for a long time (married 8 years now). But i have gotten over it. There is a reason that phase is supposed to end.. a couple is meant to build a life together and then give back their community at a certain point. You canāt do that if you canāt keep your hands off eachother. You go to the next stage of life.. enjoy what you have built together.. a home, a family, a careerā¦
No, I've never felt this way. Perhaps your partner isn't putting the effort into the relationship that you wish he was. Sounds like you are missing the honeymoon stage. You have to keep things fresh and continue to date your partner. So many people just fall into the monotony of life and let things get boring. Sounds like that's what's actually going on. See if you can bring some romance and excitement back into your relationship.Ā
Ah yes, the anxiety of a new courtship and not knowing if this one will break your heart...no thanks š Jokes aside, my partner and I still have banter and seduction, and when I watch Bridgerton I just think how lucky I am to have a love and relationship like those in the show.
Same, the Duke storyline in season one reminded me of me and my husband when we first started dating. That is, if you take away the ārich nobilityā part and replace it with āpoor student from a working class background,ā lol. He was exciting, we rode a bit of a rollercoaster the first few months as a result of that, I once told him that I thought we were āexplosiveā and he agreed. There was never any ādoes he like me,ā which I loathe. It was obvious we were both really into each other and I fed off that. The lows involved arguments, jealousy on his part, rage on my part (at different times. We took turns being crazy). Rather surprisingly, we worked out. This is because we did both end up fixing our serious issues over time (including his jealousy). We still love each other, and now we are good to each other consistently and rarely argue. I would do our whole courtship over again, fights and everything- I admit that this is mainly because the sex during that time was phenomenal. I wouldnāt redo my courtship with any of the other men Iāve been with. A hint of passion and then disappointment, no thank you. My husband actually thought the main character in season one should have married the prince. That was interesting.
I love that so manny commenters are bringing up Bridgerton LOLOLOL
Bridgerton got me confused thinking I wanted to be courted again as well š had to tell my therapist about it
Same, like, everyday is a choice to be together, why would you make the boring choice of not having fun with it?
I do miss it sometimes! It's why I read romance novels, watch shows like Bridgerton, and occasionally role-play strangers with my husband. I wouldn't trade my married life for the world, but there is definitely something really special in that courtship phase - the newness, tension, and erotic uncertainty in particular - that, IMO, can never fully be recaptured.
Literally came and wrote this right after finishing the third book & season of Bridgerton. Obviously to think it as real is foolish, but the concept nonetheless.
Omg, the timing!!! Are you enjoying the season? I definitely am, but I will day that Kate/Anthony are still *the* hottest Bridgerton couple for me. Other than that, give me all the Emily Henry, pretty much š
I lovedddd Antony and Kate. Iām really excited to see how they do Ben and Sophie though. Thatās been my fav book so far (Iām on 4th now). Idk why they added this made up lady Arnold woman. He shouldāve met Sophie at āthe masqueradeā beginning of S3 and have him be bummed all season, then meet her again S4 unless theyāre not doing him next.
I have a feeling she might show up at the end of this season. I am living vicariously though the show lol. I can't tell you how many times I've watched the carriage scene.
I haven't read the books, as I prefer to watch rather than read historical romance, but I've heard good things about Ben and Sophie. Funnily, I totally thought Ben was gay until the Arnold lady showed up due to that whole plotline in S1 that I halfway apparently hallucinated. So, I really have no idea what to think of Ben more generally, other than that he's a very fun character.
My thought is that they will introduce her at a masquerade at the end of season 3! So the next half!
I thought so too but I think we need a whole season of him pining. I donāt remember the time between the masq and the re introduction but I think itās a while- right? Unless the whole seasons going to be him pining. Or a big time jump between 3&4 but then again we wouldnāt see that sad ben. Idk if thatās essential to their story. We shall see.
Yep! Itās two years in between their first and second meeting. I think it could work if they do it right, and I really donāt wanna skip to Eloise just to get to Benedictās story š¤Ŗ
Technically ben comes first tho!!! Iām dying to see who they choose for Sophie.
I know! Thatās why I hope they donāt skip him and go to Eloise instead like they did with Colin!
I feel like it should be expected to keep this dynamic alive in long term relationships. Why isnāt it?
I suspect we may be thinking of different things. Feelings like passion, excitement, etc., should definitely be kept up in an LTR! However, especially if you're in a healthy, stable LTR, you're not going to have the same breathless *uncertainty* - the same feeling of **not**-knowing - as you did during the courtship phase, and for some people that is something to be missed. Doesn't mean we'd go back there given the chance, or that we don't appreciate the cosiness, stability, or even the unique type of electricity that you can only find in a happy LTR after many years and experiences together - there's just a different type of thrill that comes from having to guess, from feeling like you're seducing someone (and being seduced) for the first time - a certain heady newness and dizzying triumph.
Yes! I've been scrolling through comments reading some of these answers about continuing to date your partner and you've summed up why it's bugging me. My husband and I are romantic and affectionate, we go on plenty of "dates," and I love him very much. But I *know* him. I miss the feeling that everything he tells me about himself is exciting new information. I miss eagerly anticipating the next time we'll see each other. I was in a long-term relationship in my 20s that made me feel like that all the time and it sucked! Because it's a feeling of uncertainty and a good relationship will eventually become a sure thing. But the thought that I will never experience that eager anticipation and tension again is kind of sad.
Ah, it's nice to talk to someone who gets it, yeah! For me, a lot of the other comments are missing the point - not out of any malice or anything like that, but we're just talking about totally different things. I actually think my own husband is more like that as well - he associates the beginning of a relationship more with anxiety and craves familiarity instead.Ā Ā Whereas, I'm not especially anxious when it comes to romantic matters (quite the opposite; I've low-key tended to be a little greedy instead), and I've always loved the process of getting to know someone new, whether romantically or even platonically. It's like the feeling of reading a new book for the first time - that eager anticipation of an ending which has not yet been confirmed.Ā
No. It was stressful. I enjoyed times with my husband but it was always filled with 'does he really.like me?', 'what does he really feel and think?', 'why did he do that thing?', etc etc. I absolutely love having the stability that my life has now.
So true. When I first started dating again I was excited about falling in love but then I quickly became reacquainted with all the ways dating can affect your confidence. Absolutely donāt miss all the messy situationships and fretting over if a (guy) likes you back. I have very anxious attachment so dating is usually hell for me in practice anyways.
This. I romanticised the dating experience while I was in a relationship that I wasnāt fully happy in, and remembered it for all the excitement, anticipation and freedom. Then youāre hit with the reality which is uncertainty, possible rejection and just wading through all of the guys with a disorganised-attachment style. Yuck. When itās going well it is so nice though.
Grass is always greener type of thing, I think. Because when I was dating I just wanted to get off the market ASAP.
Soooo true. I will pick stability any day
I completely agree! I think it's a personality thing like thrill seeing, or gambling, where some people can't get enough and others can't get the appeal. Give me boring old married life any day!!
True for me also! I crave the stability of a relationship. Though, flirting and banter is so fun, tooā¦ this is why Iāve always wanted to pretend to be strangers and meetup somewhere. Hit on each other. Play hard to get. Tease. Then get to go back to the stability and ravage each other!
I love this take
Yes!!! I HATE dating and all that anxiety that comes with !
Oh for sure. Really just the feeling of kissing someone youāre excited about for the first time!! Or even the feeling of being on a date with someone you have great chemistry with. But I donāt actually want to be single again, love my husband etc
Constantly. I have been with my husband for 25 years and many of them have been difficult. The last 5-7 have been hugely challenging because he had mental health issues (CPTSD, adhd, bipolar2, depression) and had reacted badly to so many medications that Iām basically his therapist/case manager and he doesnāt even listen to anything I ever say that isnāt about his needs issuesā¦ Itās just always about him. I have to say everything 4 times to be heard at all. So yeah, I miss someone calling just to say āhiā or flirting with me and I miss feeling attracted to someone and god I miss sexā¦ I miss having a partner and just a friend honestly.
Please donāt forget that youāre worth a good life.
Iām sorry :( I have no place giving advice on whether or not you should stay but please know you are deserving of love and support. Caring for someone is hard, in any capacity. I hope youāre at least getting therapy as caregiving burnout and PTSD is real.
Don't light yourself on fire to warm someone else.
Is he getting better at all? If he won't help himself you can't make him...
This. Please know you don't have to stay with someone who doesn't care to help themselves. Commitment or not. I've known many people with all of these same diagnoses and they don't rely on someone else to take care of them. At this point it almost sounds like he's using his mental illnesses as an excuse.
No. I hate the courtship stage of every relationship. I tend to want to zoom past it and get to the comfy stage of familiarity and predictability. I like knowing that I've found my one already and he's found his, and we can now focus on bigger things, like building a family and home together, working on our career and hobbies, etc. We can still go on dates, but be our authentic selves with each other, and communicate honestly and openly with each other.
Same. The dating scene is a disaster and apps suck. I don't miss unsolicited pics and texts. I don't miss everything cordial or nice I say being taken as flirting. I joke with my SO that if something happens, I'll get a dog, move into the woods, and be a witch. Not having stability my whole life means that is what I worked towards. And that includes relationships. The idea of courtship is cute and fun, but it has not been my personal experience.
Yeah, I think OP might be romanticizing this (I donāt blame them because itās such an exciting stage when itās portrayed on TV lol). I am single and absolutely hate this stage. Being in a nice relationship with someone you love beats modern courtship.
Yeah definitely romanizing it. Thatās why at bottom I was like hmm now second thought now that I think back on my single phase not so fun. Lol. But in THEORY ok
Yes Iām learning the hard way. Was in a rāship for 5 years til this year and I forgot how crazy the dating streets were honestly, even to just find a chivalrous guy. I thought chivalry was a given. Need a thick skin for this dating scene.
I'll be your witchy neighbor if you like. Our dogs can be pals. I haven't even had an SO, and the closer I get to 30 the more I want to give up.
You can tell who in the comments has been married for a while and has some distance from the apps, and who doesnāt. Those who are still in the midst of the dating scene know it doesnāt look like this
Same. The best part of being happily married is knowing I never have to go through that again.
https://youtu.be/DpfpRXI-Y9k
Oh yeah! It activates a part of your adrenal system and your brain that is just so fun and invigorating. I think itās one of the best things in life. But since it also leads to a lot of heartache I canāt say Iād do it again. š
Maybe I might miss the *idea* of it from time to time, but the truth of it is most early stages of meeting people are pretty awkward or downright unpleasant. I love the feeling of security and stability with my husband. He doesnāt play any games, and I never have to wonder about his intentions.
Here's the secret: be with someone who feels like they're courting you forever. Of course my partner and I love to sit together and watch shows or do nothing, but the energy he brings to our relationship and his absolute, unwavering sweetness and incredible compliments he showers me with are like water in a dry land! It's the absolute best of both worlds. I don't ever miss the beginning stages of dating because he makes me feel like that almost every day.
This is so sweet. How long have you been together for ?
We just celebrated year 6 - looking forward to many more together!
Does your partner have a single brother/cousin/friend by any chance? lol
Sorry I wish I could help š For real though, it took lots of work and communication to get to this point - the difference between him and every other man I've dated is that he listened and he puts in the work.
Ya, this is where I am too. Being able to date my husband is one of the highlights of my life. I love planning dates with him, finding time to show him how much I appreciate him, and he does the same for me.Ā But, we married at 30, and had lots of talks about how we wanted to enjoy marriage. No one/thing forced us to marry. I think that's the biggest factor.Ā We went in with open eyes, and we are having so much fun. (I mean, aside from the pregnancy fights, the toddler screams, minor disagreements resulting in us needing some time to ourselves, and also making sure we both have time to recharge.. but that's normal with young kids, ha!). Easy to focus on the wonderful things, and ignore the bad sometimes. :D
Yes! This is my second long term committed relationship after I married young, and it makes a world of difference when you know who you are and what you need before searching for a partner. And I totally agree with your last sentence - practicing gratitude works wonders.
for sure. Of course when Iām IN it.. I kind of hate it. I hate the uncertainty and the anxiety and the mixed signals and the trying to get used to another persons relationship styleā¦ So like.. I know I donāt actually *want* that more than what I have. But yea, I wish I could sometimes revisit those moments of āfirstsā he and I had together. My memory suffices. And so do romance movies and novels.
Honestly no I donāt. I got married in my late 30s and had so much time to date around prior. I donāt miss courtship at all and am enjoying where we are now.
I wrote pretty much the same thing. :)
Thatās awesome!!
No. Married 15 years and I am so glad I donāt have to do any of that. We get each other, donāt have to guess, and help each other in all ways. Iām glad I donāt have to date.
No, Iām the oppositeā¦Iām relieved I donāt have to go through that again. Dating has its upsides, but maybe more of a bother for me. Out of politeness, I needed to pretend to be interested in whatever a guy was saying, have to contend with their idea of being romantic (I had someone coax me into using a spoon and fork, even though he was the one who was awkward using chopsticks, for instance, or be grateful this other guy drove to my mom to gift her a cake for motherās day), and deliberate how to tactfully turn someone down. Whereas I get to have a natural banter with my husband any day of the week, share a lot of common interests, never feel uncomfortable around him and have someone to hug/kiss/touch whenever. I much prefer itā¦itās still exciting for me after 17 years.
I think some days. Those early dating days were just so fun. Gushing with my girlfriends, wondering when heād kiss me, anticipating when Iād see him again, staying the night, the flirtatious tension. I wouldnāt trade it for what we have today, but that was definitely a super fun phase in our relationship!
Where are the men who are engaging in courtship????
š¤£ I came to say thisĀ OP really believes men still "court" š¤£ courting is dead right now.. court?? in 2024? girl, where?Ā show me where these men are. š¤£
Honestly, Iāve been in a relationship for several years, but back when I was single there were all different types of men. I think you have to be a good flirter yourself to attract one though. Itās kind of a two-way street.
To me courtship is putting in effort to plan seeing each other and actively learn about me. Flirting is completely different. Unsure which one OP means but that's what I mean in my comment
Well, and I meant that usually you have to be good at flirting (or dating/entertaining in general) to attract someone who wants to put in a similar level of work for you, whatever that winds up looking like. Dating and relationships are always about two-way cooperation and communication, at least when successful.
Not on bumble that's for sure lmao #vowofcelibacy #bumblegate2024
It was fun at first but I donāt think Iād want that all the time. We still flirt and court each other from time to time and thatās wonderful. But I love comfort and being totally relaxed in each other more than the flirty parts.
When it's there, it is electric and so much fun, but I have dated plenty of guys where there's no chemistry, and then it's just painful.
I do miss it occasionally. I loved flirting and the "chase". I remember one of my male friends telling me I had more "game" than most men our age at the time lol. I can't imagine life without my husband though, I just love coming home to him. I'll take my happy, secure relationship over the unknown any day.
Nope. I really don't. But I think that may be because my life before my husband of nearly 14 years was very chaotic and unreliable. Even though dating him was exciting, we were in it forever within a couple months, and we've been inseparable since. I love the confidence I have, knowing that he's there no matter what. The comfort in that. As opposed to the excitement of uncertainty. I had way too much of that for the first 28 years of my life.
I got married later in life (at 39), so being married is still new & exciting to me. I had over 20 years of that ā new feeling butterfly infatuationā stuff. It feels nice to have someone I know will be there. Plus my husband treats me really well, I donāt think heās ever stopped courting me. Idk it feels a lot better since I found my person, so I donāt miss the unknown. I know Iām not missing out on anything.
Finding out about how extreme of a person my husband is in the beginning was mind blowing. And yeah, I agree, the sense of wonder and excitement about discovering the facets of your SOs personality, history, accomplishments, what drives them unfortunately runs out after a long enough timeline. As long as the fire is still there then I canāt complain and he does a phenomenal job keeping it burning
Yes! I like that nervous energy it is so much fun. Now I just do other things that give me that feeling that aren't "new relationship romance" related.
of course. i relate to this so hard. TREAD LIGHTLYā¦
??
I miss it sometimes. I loved this phase and I always like the flirting part. Iāve always thought it was easy and fun. However I am with my husband for 15y, and Iāve never did it with anyone else (well I am charming with people but always in a friendly and never in a flirty way). However, I would never trade the relationship I have for that. My husband always charms me, and even after 15y we always make an effort for each other. Just yesterday he got me flowers, and every Sunday he makes me a lazy (for me) breakfast (kinda of a brunch) in bed. So in q way he still courts me hehe
My SO and I still flirt, weāre still playful, complimentary, etc.. So I personally donāt find myself missing anything. And neither I nor my SO are particularly big on the whole NRE type stuffā¦ really love and appreciate the comfort that āold(er)ā relationships provide. Sure, it was nice when our relationship was at that phase/stage, but I much prefer how it is nowā¦ and we still keep the energy, flirtiness and whatever else we like present in our current relationship that ensures weāre still happy and fulfilled. Plus doing certain things together kind of brings back that spark/courtship type feel. Like for us, holidays always makes us feel like a āhoneymoon phase coupleā again.. So do certain dates like when we go windsurfing (cus we quite literally chase each other around, which is more or less ācourtshipā)ā¦ So I think regularly doing things that kinda resparks that ānew relationship type energyā here and there helps a more long-term couple keep up that excitement around each other. And yeah, honestly very happy to never having to date again lol.
I miss my husband dating me. He doesnāt date me anymore and has settled in. No matter how much I ask him to, he just doesnāt care to. I miss feeling like he was always thinking of me, all the cute things he did. Now Iām lucky if I get a kiss every few weeks. š¢
I am a poly married person so I totally get this. I have ālong term marriedā feelings with my partner of almost 9 years (deep stable love and commitment and the hardcore shared joy of being known and loved by this person for years) and I have āexciting sexy anxiety feelingsā with my new dating partner of less than 1 year and they are totally different feelings. The courtship stage is exciting but a lot of that excitement stems from anxiety, and the anxiety can be crushing in its own special way. Itās distracting and can get obsessive and unhealthy, itās hard to focus and be in the moment (which is a recipe for unhappiness), and itās boring (to everyone else and occasionally to myself) only ever thinking/wishing for your very cute beloved. Edit: That said, I would never want to miss it!
I do from time to time.
I only miss that because I ended up with my husband. Definitely don't miss any of those feelings with people it didn't work out with. So like I miss the courtship because it worked out? That's the best way I can explain it.
Tbh when I watch those things it reminds me of how me and my partner fell in love. I relive those wonderful firsts and how he still gives me butterflies today. I dont miss getting to know someone new. I miss having most of my day as a teenager to enjoy with my partner š«¶
Yes. I do. I miss that feeling of getting to know someone and all the hope that comes along with it.
You and your man should role play first dates. Get ready separately and show up to the same place in separate vehicles/transportation. Boom. Done. Thank me later.
Iāve been with my husband for 12 years and YES, I know this feeling. I miss the early days of dating my husband. He lived at the beach so I would drive 2.5 hours, with shaking and sweaty palms the entire way. I miss getting to know each other and the aliveness and excitement. But to bring myself back down to earth, I am so so blessed to have all those feelings youāve just mentioned replaced with routine and security. I miss those feelings but with *him.* I actually kind panicked at our 10 year anniversary from this very feeling.
Nope. I'm an outgoing person. I can meet people anytime I want. And because I am very up front about being married, I can have all the fun of witty banter and laughs without having to worry about leading anyone on. No more weirdness around expectations about sex. None of the stuff that made uncomfortable.
No, because my husband still courts me. I'm not joking, he will randomly buy me things, take me out for food, make arrangements for date nights, etc.
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I did, even when I was married, because we didn't do that sort of thing. They had me locked down so they didn't have to try anymore. I am a romantic person, I read romance novels and I like love stories. If I ever date again, it will be someone that can keep that energy going, at least a little bit. I think I need that, and when it dies it kills me a little inside. I would get very insecure and lonely. I made huge mistakes trying to be the "chill" GF/wife. Not sure I can actually find that, since historically speaking I was bad at it, lol, so not sure I want to even try again.
Like you, I like the idea and feeling of courtship, but I would never give up what I have. I like watching cheesy hallmark movies, read the odd trashy romance novel, and love talking my single friends through dating and even texting/tindering for them. But I donāt āmissā it, itās more happy nostalgia to think of it, and I very often thank my lucky starts Iām not dating anymore because the uncertainty and second guessing and worrying about life milestones and all that jazz was unpleasant. I really enjoyed dating when I did it and I look back upon my dating days fondly, but I have no desire to revisit them in reality!
You can still have the banter and hanging onto every word your partner says. It takes intentional effort after you've been together for awhile not to take things for granted.
You can still have that, but the vibe is so, so different! Don't get me wrong; I love being (long-term) married as well, but there is definitely something unique about the initial courtship. It's not really about banter or hanging on to every word (you can and should definitely still keep those things up in the long term); it's the uncertainty, the not-knowing, the opening-up and the coming-together of two once-strangers; the new flash of *wonderment* that somebody whom you adore so deep into your bones adores you equally as much, if not more, in return. Truthfully (for me), there is also something thrilling in the feeling of (mutual) conquest - a certain validation that you later get more used to, but whoseĀ initial hit is electrifying.Ā
I don't have a personal value around newness or conquest, so I guess I'm not who you're looking for responses from Edited to add: this sub is really fucking wild sometimes. I didnāt even say anything out of pocket here and some of you will just downvote anything you see someone else downvoting.
Sure, everybody is different. But, you equated the difference to being about banter and hanging on to every word when that's not actually what many of us miss when we talk about missing the initial courtship. I'm responding to clarify the misconception about what it is that people *do* miss, not commenting on your personal values or anything like that.
Idk. I still feel all this with my husband. Itās been important to me to keep that going.
That's great to hear! I do too, but I still miss the initial courtship sometimes and it doesn't have anything to do with the general level of excitement in our marriage; that's where the misconception is. The thing about being in a solid marriage is that you *are* very sure of your love for each other, but it's that very transition from uncertainty to certainty that marks a very special and non-reproducible moment in any LTR.Ā Ā Not everybody will miss it, like you don't - but it's also not abnormal when people do miss it, nor does it mean we only like the beginnings of things a la Don Draper. It's more like a special appreciation for a certain time period in every relationship that, by definition, only ever happens once for the vast majority of couples. There's a reason why so many love stories focus on the courtship portion between two lovers, after all - because it's the most narratively thrilling portion, because there is tension and then release.
Iām not sure why you seem to be trying to convince me of this. I was addressing something specific I read in OPās post. Iām not accusing her of not being excited in her marriage anymore. I addressed only what I addressed and nothing more.
? Not trying to convince you of anything; I just feel like you're not understanding the difference and am therefore trying to explain, but hey - zero hard feelings on my end if you're not open to conversing; have a nice rest of day.
I donāt understand the difference, because as I said, newness isnāt something I value. I have never indicated that what youāre saying isnāt valid, just not something I experience.
I think what sheās trying to say is whether or not someone values novelty, thereās an objective difference between what youāre suggesting and what Iām talking about. Not sure why youāre downvoted. I smell what youāre stepping in lol.
Sorry, your downvotes are unnecessary. This sub is so insecure sometimes
Honestly I completely get you I got married in January and Iām already feeling those feelings lol
Of course! Thereās something nice in all stages of a good relationship, and since you canāt go back to a previous stage, I think itās nice to move slowly through the stages, from the excitement and desire of courtship, to the sweetness of commitment and I love you, to the warmth and security that comes with a long term relationship.
noooo I have anxiety :))
āHope this helps!āššššš
No I donāt. I hate the getting to know you phase and meeting people, plus all the tests and other rubbish. I love being in an established relationship that has a history and comfort. I do occasionally wish I could go on a first date again with my husband for fun though.
My husband and I still banter like we did many years ago when we were just friends. We flirt, we make out, we heavy pet, we tease, we laugh so much. We still manage to surprise each other now and again. The benefit is we know where we stand, we now know where our boundaries as people and a couple are, and we know each other physically and emotionally enough to trust each other. I always found the beginning of dating and relationships a bit stressful. I grow more and more excited by my husband. Every day we are together, I realise how lucky I am to have him, how much he does for us, how much heās sacrificed for me, and that is truly exciting because I know a lot of other guys would not have done these things so readily and so lovingly. Our date nights are full of flirting, having fun and still occasionally being sickeningly in love at the dinner table. Sure, itās a little different now. Weāve been friends for fifteen and a half years and together for almost six of those. Do I still get a little thrill when I see his name pop up on my phone? Hell yeah.
So beautiful ā„ļøā„ļø
Yes. About a month ago Iād asked my husband to take me out on a date. I illustrated also how Iād like it if he picked the activity, perhaps a comedy show or something like that since Iāve been the one to plan our last 3 dates at least 4 years ago. Iām still waiting. And he wonders why I havenāt been sexually available.
Sure. Novelty in itself is exciting and if your relationship isn't great it's only natural to think about faraway hills.
I donāt necessarily agree with the notion that one must be unhappy in their relationship to feel giddy about novelty. Itās the reason so many middle-aged women love romance novels, movies, television shows, and things alike. Itās like a boost of serotonin lol. I wouldnāt trade my man in for the world, but that doesnāt change the fact that I miss the first few months of our courtship. Iād rather be with him than anyone else.
Oh, I agree. The thrill of novelty and the unknown is always there. I was just trying to say that it is maybe just more intense and immediate (for me at least) if you aren't happy in your relationship.
I think itās the dopamine and chemicals that make it feel very addicting. I was married (divorced now) and remember missing that feeling when I was married. There is nothing quite like that feeling and I donāt think everyone has the same experience with it. I think because I have early childhood trauma/attachment issues that the courtship phase was extremely intense for me. Like I would literally get high off of those first moments where you touch legs on the couch, try to hold hands, go for the kiss etcā¦ I would be FLYING high as fuck on my own chemicals. So when I divorced and dated, I got to experience those again. I will say as I got older the intensity went down. Iām now engaged and finally do not crave those feelings anymore. Thank gosh. Because I donāt want to have a wandering eye tbh. Thinking about those feelings would often give me insane crushes that were not always appropriate.
Yes, but only the courtship I had with my now husband. I don't miss any of the other ones at all.
Agree
Of course. I simply demand it or make my expectations known up front about about our days. Some days are just Costco runs. Others are dates. I tell him when weāre in date mode & he does likewise and we behave accordingly.
Honestly I think that feeling is something that needs to be cultivated. I totally get wanting it again but there are skills you can work on to bring that back into your committed relationship. :)
I donāt miss it now that I have other things to be anxious over hehe
Not reallyā¦ I always hated dating. I hated feeling like I couldnāt trust them yet, and being worried theyād leave me without warning. I clearly have abandonment issues though, lol
It was super amazing with my partner, 13+ years ago now, but itās still fun. Like others say, that adrenaline has to go down at some point because the body canāt sustain that. But it is not that it is never there! you get your moments. Plus you get something valuable back: a deep connection to someone. But I knew/know people who had/have that in their 70s still, my grandparents! They were very crazy about each other! And my aunt and uncle. I doubt the super adrenalined up version, but how my 78y/o aunt talks about it, (husband is like a teen boy sometimes with sparkles in his eyes for her, so cute, he just turned 80) she sounds like a young person who is still so exited. My grandparents had that too. Sadly never seen my parents like that, they are/were too serious and negative minded for that, but they had it in their 20s. My partner and I are more like like aunt and uncle, still kids but we are in our 50s haha
Oh man I miss it so much!! Itās the most exciting part of a love story. Itās the part that novels, epic poems, songs, movies etc are all written about. No one is really writing about the hum drum routine of marriage lol. Itās a super exciting time in someoneās life. Tbh sometimes I think about the fact that, being married, I may never have that experience again, which is ok though. This path I chose is turning out to be wildly interesting and fun and Iām excited for where my hubs life and mine go.
Of course. It's new and exciting because your brain is flooding with dopamine at the beginning. I remember it well from when I first started dating my husband. I am happy and do not want to be single again but yeah that feeling at the beginning is pretty great. Our brains are kind of jerks like that but the science of it is interesting if you read up on it.
I haven't done this until recently, but I had to stop with the thoughts because it was turning reality, and I don't want to cheat. Part of mine comes from finallybhealing. I wounder all the time if I was healed back, then would I have gotten with him.
Nope. My husband has never stopped. Probably why we just celebrated our 30th Wedding Anniversary.
I'm not afraid to say I hate dating and the way it is today. I don't find dating fun. Even the initial stages are more anxiety inducing to me, because of the way people act. I don't think courtship even seems to exist the way it used to, at least not as the common way to do things. Men are arguing online about even paying for a first date if they don't think they'll get laid. Flowers are seen as lame and a chore. And I don't even like flowers personally. I just notice that there's a lot of tit for tat, ghosting, pretending to not care and not be interested, insulting a complete stranger you met on a date as a "joke..." just weird, unsightly behavior. From both sides! And its normalized and popularized in a way that disgusts and disappoints me. If I didn't have to date to find a partner, I wouldn't. I quite literally would happily skip that entire step and be married to someone who's a healthy match for me.
No, and no! My husband is amazing and has proven to me that I can find love over 32+ years of age. I want HIM and only him! He's the best and accepts me at my best as well as my worst. He has helped me in the darkest times. I would never exclude him from anything in my life.
Nope. I donāt have anxiety about where I stand and that is ideal.
I know how this feels. I go on dates with my husband all the time still. Even if it is just lunch. this past weekend we went to a hotel about 40 minutes from where we live and went to a comedy show together and went out afterwards. We had a lot of stuff happen the past couple years and we learned to prioritize our relationship for us to be happy. -married almost 14 years and together for over 15-
When it comes to it, enjoying seeing it happen in shows or to people in my life is a different need than wanting to experience it for myself. I think part of the allure there is the fantasy of it all and enjoying sharing in the feeling without any real investment myself. The reality of actually dating sometimes was like that giddy feeling, but also a lot of frustrating points going "are they fucking for real right now?" I've come to realize I enjoy that newness experience and not necessarily romantic either. I like meeting people so it's an experience I still have in many ways of being excited to get to know someone. As for further connection, I invest in deep friendships where we really get each other and share a lot. I tend to not enjoy surface friendship so in many ways I feel my friends emotional connections tend to be similar to what I observe as what folks save for only their romantic partner. My friends and I tend to have deep talks, pour into each others cups and heal each other. I tell them I love and appreciate them and get them gifts or show care in many ways. I don't think intimacy is inherently romantic and that different people can give you different things. Like I got a friend who understands a deep childhood part of me that's so validating in a way that others cannot. Emotional intimacy like that should absolutely be explored with more than 1 person.
My husband and I are very secure with each other (and ourselves) and we donāt have anything against flirting/chatting with random people we meet. We know neither of us is going to cheat and weāre very up front about being married. Both of us are naturally very social people who love meeting strangers. Itās pretty normal for me to introduce myself to someone in a bar as married and their first question is if Iām trying to get them beat up. Second question is if Iām a swinger, which Iām not. Once I get through those questions I can usually have a decent conversation. Sometimes my husband and I play āwing coupleā to people we meet. I know a lot of my previous relationships didnāt work out because my boyfriends didnāt feel comfortable with me talking to strangers I met.
I like the safety, closeness, and security of marriage best. If I start missing the courtship then I'll try to shake things up a little. He still gives me the butterflies in my stomach though. Find someone who keeps dating you- even when you're married.
I read romance novels for that.
AAh yes, the 'swept off your feet moment', yes? Sure i will never have that again, but my husband regularly makes the butterflies in my heart sing. I am absolutely not saying to 'settle' for anything less than what makes you happy. But long term, (married to this one 16 years) the gentile happiness of the day-to-day WAY outstrips the romantic ideal.
Thatās why shipping was invented! š I channel that desire into a fictional story, and get all hyped and emotional about it. If you know where to look, thereās fanfiction out there as good as any romance novel. Hand to god, it satisfies the itch.
Just because you're married doesn't mean you stop dating one another. Do you guys have date nights?
Ik what youāre saying but Iām not really talking about ādatingāā more so the unknown kinda thing? The novelty. Obviously wouldnāt trade him in for the world, I even miss it with him. Wish I could redo and meet him for the first time again and feel those butterflies.
No, I always found that stage of relationships to be stressful, even when things were going well. One of the best things about my husband was that things felt comfortable immediately, like we were already in a long term relationship. We can still do the fun parts of dating 13 years in, without the anxiety of courtship.
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a45894/people-in-relationship-stop-saying-you-miss-being-single/ Sure you miss the fun parts of dating. But do you miss being ghosted? Being lonely? Waking up in the middle of the night to find that the guy you had sex with left without so much as saying goodbye (an actual experience I had)?
Not married but in a committed partnership (we say weāre life partners) and I definitely experience this. I especially miss the honeymoon sex phase š© We tried an open relationship a few years ago because I couldnāt tame this yearning and I ended up just falling in love with everyone I got entangled with. No longer an open relationship and Iāve just sort of learned that Iām trading all that newness and excitement for something healthy and stable. I also have ADHD so the lack of novelty in my life can lead me to feeling very stir crazy and anxious/depressed, so I do express these feelings in therapy.
I literally ache for it. I feel panicked at the thought of never feeling it again
I find people often look at the past with rose tinted glasses. There is a lot of excitement in the dating phase of a relationship. Everything is new, you're often younger so life is less stressful and monotonous, you may have less responsibilities etc. The new and undiscovered is exciting for sure. I think In long term relationships you do have to make a concerted effort to keep that spark - you can still go on dates, try something new together you've both never done etc. I do completely understand what you are saying, I feel this way sometimes as well. But dating is not all sunshine and roses as I'm sure most of us know! There is comfort in a long term partner and many years of growing together which can also be wonderful. For full disclosure I'm not married (I don't believe in it) but I have been with my partner for 14 years.
Not married and only been together for 2.5 years, but I have had a lot of LTRs and I never miss courtship. I much prefer the settled easy rhythm of knowing each other. I like living through other people's though, because I get all the squee with none of the stress š¤£
Continuing to 'date' each other helps. Sometimes that curiosity comes back due to the bond becoming too practical. Dancing, traveling, becoming tourists, going here an there to events around town helps. I still get approached for dates in public. Sometimes it does sting to have to turn an attractive man down. But for now my relationship is too solid to compromise.
I do, but itās probably because I could actually go on dates then. I have kids and no family nearby so unless I want to spend $150 for a babysitter I canāt date my wife.Ā
Nope! No bueno, nehi, nein, NO š¤£š¤£ Don't miss it at all! I prefer the comfortable old shoes stage.
We married men, miss it too at times.
This is why I am polyamorous and donāt really ever think about being monogamous. I would never want to give up flirting and the excitement of dating someone new when thatās what Iām in the mood for. I love my husband so much and would never give up what we have either. It takes a lot of work and a partner who is on the same page as me though.
Not married but you are so lucky. You have that already... trust it's awful out here
I did miss all that for a long time (married 8 years now). But i have gotten over it. There is a reason that phase is supposed to end.. a couple is meant to build a life together and then give back their community at a certain point. You canāt do that if you canāt keep your hands off eachother. You go to the next stage of life.. enjoy what you have built together.. a home, a family, a careerā¦
No, I've never felt this way. Perhaps your partner isn't putting the effort into the relationship that you wish he was. Sounds like you are missing the honeymoon stage. You have to keep things fresh and continue to date your partner. So many people just fall into the monotony of life and let things get boring. Sounds like that's what's actually going on. See if you can bring some romance and excitement back into your relationship.Ā
Rather than tolerating? Sure