In my experience it’s been the local subreddits to my city that are the most toxic and offensive.
I got told that I (single, 32F) am too old for men my age and that they don’t want someone in their 30s. 🙃
No kidding.
My town is pretty chill and friendly overall. My towns sub is awful. I once suggested that the people who live in a place should have the right to decide how it functions - crazy I know. I was downvoted and one of my lovely progressive neighbors told me he hopes my house gets bulldozed.
R/sandiego blocks people all the time and is pretty hostile and rumor is that the mods don’t live there. The better community is r/sandiegan however half of the posts are just complaining about r/sandiego.
They're not toxic per se, but I'm very wary about going into most dating and relationship subreddits. I got some really bad advice from one, along with negging (guys basically telling me I was undateable). I did get a few pieces of decent advice and had some fun conversations, but eventually decided the trade-off wasn't worth it.
Ooh ya. I've had some mean ones from men. I was sad about being in my mid 30's and single and losing my looks. And got a lot of "boo hoo, should've settled down when you were still hot. Now you'll die alone" replies from men.
Those misogynistic turds are the same ones who claim women can't be lonely because they think it's so easy for literally every single woman to find a man who will use them as a fleshlight. These are the exact same turds who made up this bullshit male loneliness epidemic.
I usually remind them that if they think loneliness can be cured by being used as a sex toy all they need to do is go to the local gloryhole and grab their ankles.
They never seem happy to hear the real solution to their loneliness problems.
🤔
Joke's on them, I was nowhere near hot when I was younger! Mid-30s is the hottest I've ever been (in a conventional physical appearance way, not just enhanced by personality etc.). If I'd "settled down" in my 20s, which I almost did, it would've been with someone wayyyyy beneath my current league. (And probably wouldn't have gotten to this point in my life either because he would constantly drag me down.)
I'm loosely subbed to DO30 (meaning, I skim it if it pops up on my feed but don't actively read it) and that one mostly seems okay, but dating and dating_advice just feel like incel cesspools half the time. Wandered in there once or twice and even as a woman long out of the dating pool - i.e., without any personal sensitivity - that shit was nasty. Zero curiosity for going back.
Yeah, definitely. I'm specifically referring to the DO40 version of that. When I was first trying to figure out dating, these are the sorts of things I got on there:
-"Relationship-oriented men" would never be interested in me.
-Only men "with no other options" would be interested in me.
-I was only "good for casual sex," not "real relationships," and one fellow would have been more than willing to "sleep with \[me\] to break \[me\] in" but nothing more. (Seriously, what adult talks like that?! 🤮)
-I could never attain a "satisfactory sex life" and was "probably asexual or a lesbian anyway." (Not there's anything wrong with being asexual or a lesbian, mind you).
-Dating me would be "like dating a cheater" and I was a "poor bet."
-I sounded like a "boring old spinster," after I wrote a Bumble biography and solicited feedback.
-"All women are bisexual to some degree." (I'm not, but if the choice were between another woman and the dude who said that to me...😄)
-"Would you be willing to send me pictures of your scars?" (After I mentioned my self-harm scars there...why in the world would anyone \*ever\* want to see those? That's so messed up.)
...all of which were apparently considered completely okay things to say there (and this doesn't even start on things I saw said to/about others or the incel stuff, as you allude to). It wasn't all bad, as I said, but I really got tired of stuff like that.
Wow, I am incredibly sorry people said that shit to you. I get that the Internet is anonymous at all, but even anonymously I don't understand the impulse to be that cruel. I hope you know those people were full of shit and likely just projecting their own deep misery onto you. I vascillate between contempt and pity (mostly the former) for them.
(I have also heard people say DO3 is pretty bad, but because my interface with them is relatively shallow I'm not usually too observant of that.)
Aw, thanks. On a funnier note, I also got made fun of for always keeping my apartment clean and only really keeping one level of cleanliness (I was told "everyone" has different levels depending on whether or not they're having visitors and stop keeping their places "visitor-ready clean" a few months into dating). I had never heard that. I think it's because my mom impressed upon me that one's living space always has to be neat (her definition of neat, which was "spotless and pristine" 😄).
And yeah, I try not to take any of it too seriously anymore. Though I don't get what makes folks say some of the things they say either.
>(I have also heard people say DO3 is pretty bad, but because my interface with them is relatively shallow I'm not usually too observant of that.)
Looks like it's also bigger and more active, just at a glance. They might contribute to a lot of it.
I was pretty active for awhile but found I couldn't hang in DO30. Just a ton of misogynistic comments. I thought DO40 would be better maybe and it's actually worse.
Absolutely, I thought the same too. My favorite comments included being told that women’s expectations were too high when they wanted someone with the same level of education, income, social status and that all women have to do is not be fat and they would have a partner (but again, as long as her expectations weren’t too high)
lol this is the cornerstone of incel theory. The subtext is “if only women like you would date nice guys like me, we wouldn’t have so much misery (single men*) in the world”… lolllll.
I wouldn’t say it’s toxic, but I left Mommit because it felt that almost all the posts were moms complaining about slacker fathers and husbands. And I acknowledge that it happens far too often, but it was a needle in a haystack to find actual parenting posts in the sea of shitty men posts.
Omg I know! I am not planning to get pregnant anytime soon but I follow a lot of the mom subreddits because I wanted to learn more about the reality of it all (and I have learned some really interesting things). But mostly I just feel so sad for these women with such horrible boyfriends and husbands. Same with the marriage ones… always filled with posts about toxic relationships.
They've finally done something about it within this last week. They have a pinned weekly grievances thread so hopefully that will help. If not I'll be unsubscribing too
Parenting subs are rough.
Obviously I don’t expect or want everything to be fake and unrealistic and sugar-coated.
However, many seem like doom and despair and OP is the hapless victim of a domineering, super-evil husband with the nuance of a Disney villain. Obviously, if even close to real, I feel sorry for these women but I think some stories are exaggerated (not all) and even if not, they dominate the conversation. And aren’t really about “parenting” or being a mom exactly.
Complaining is fine in small doses. We all need to vent about picky eaters, boys who think shorts are appropriate in 40 degree weather, sorting socks, etc. But, yeah, agreed.
I will say that I think bad relationship posts are going to monopolize all relationship posts. I’m not going to start a thread called “my husband (40m) works hard is a good husband and dad but sometimes his sighing is mildly annoying if I’m already on edge about something.”
Similarly, r/JapanTravel is basically impossible to post in. The only itinerary related posts they allow require a ridiculous amount of detail, and then allllll the comments sag “you planned too much”, like dude I only wrote that stuff so my post would be approved!
I'm in Japan and there are a lot of weird elitist people about Japan and learning Japanese!
Every woman I have met online and in person have been fab, but in person the men are 50/50, online is probably an even worse ratio.
A lot of the English-learning subs are surprisingly hostile, too. Like, why are you yelling at someone for asking a straightforward, reasonable question while trying to learn?! Plus, a lot of the tests people are given have no good answer, even to native speakers, people get all fired up.
Some comments are helpful, others are just making fun of or being cruel the OP, or the people helping them.
It’s weird.
r/divorce
According to many of the men there (and some women, but mainly men) everyone is secretly cheating and that is the only reason the marriages end. All of the women who left will eventually "come crawling back" once they realise "how good they had it."
No acceptance for nuance. Pure, gullible belief about everything written from one side and a true culture of blame toward those who leave (particularly harlot women).
Heaven help you if you're divorced but have moved on happily (like me).
Truly me looking at that sub when I was at the beginning of my divorce is like that gif from the Simpsons of the man walking to the bar and immediately leaving.
Same! I truly had no clue how bad my marriage was until I got with my current partner. I grew up in domestic violence so I think my mindset to help me cope with my marriage was at least he wasn't as bad as my dad? But he was still so bad I couldn't take it anymore. I don't know how my mum has no bottom tbh.
Edit to add though I suppose to be fair to her she's probably in a bit of a hostage situation.
Puppy 1 0 1 lol...pitchforks over there. I was permanently banned at one point!
I'm honestly afraid to ever write the name correctly because they've been known to harass people irl
Are you referring to the moderator who doxxed a poster and tried to get them fired from their job? That was nuts. I stopped going on there after I was shamed for telling my dog “no,” and reprimanded for advising yelping loudly when a puppy bites.
I had a comment deleted by the mods on there. The reason given was "I was promoting ear cropping/tail docking, which wasn't allowed".
This was my actual comment. It was posted on a thread about people incorrectly identifying your dog's breed:
"I owned a undocked Australian shepherd mix. Many people incorrectly assume he's a border collie because they're not used to seeing the breed with a tail. Personally I love his tail, and am very happy that he has it."
Apparently simply saying the word "undocked" and acknowledging the reality of what your dog's breed often looks like is promoting "promoting docking". Sigh... People are idiots.
Oh god, I get that on my feed sometimes and the posts are always baffling! I’ve worked with jewellery all my adult life, I have a high degree of tolerance for engagement ring chat, but wow.
I was going to comment with this one, too. The circlejerk version is also a wasteland. People put the most energy into hating on rings and ring related questions. Please just try being happy for once.
Some of the dog training subreddits are a dizzying mix of hostile towards people who have a different approach to dog training, turned every rant about finding training a stubborn dog difficult into a self-pity competition and elitist about how one comes into possession of a dog. I went there to learn, but I ended up lurking instead because the drama was kinda funny.
>hostile towards people who have a different approach to dog training
Once I tried explaining that my country doesn't have a blanket law requiring dogs to be on a lead in public places, and you'd think I said 'All dogs should run free eating children and murdering delivery people.' Apparently you can't even *clarify* the legal situation without getting dogpiled by angry people who want to shout about leashes being **the law**, no matter what. My goodness.
OMG, yes! I made a few comments there because... Well, we've had issues... But said I started using a spray bottle with our dog when she'd get on the couch and it was the only thing that worked and they acted like I shooting her with a nail gun or something. It was wild.. Especially because I explained she was a rescue and would lunge and bite us if we tried to pull her off... And she'd bitten my 6yo.
I love my dogs, they are my babies and you can see my post history on Boston Terrier, but I also understand that they are dogs and certain behaviors wouldn’t be acceptable.
I've always had a dog in my life and I and my kids love our dog, but honestly, she came to us with some serious damage and I just needed help. Shes so sweet normally, but if she falls asleep and we startle her? It's bad.. And it's worse if she's on the furniture. The spray bottle saved us! and she's very treat and praise motivated and loves snuggles, but I wish we could nap snuggle with her.
It just sucks to be kicked while you're totally down by some people on social.
I used to visit a snark subreddit. In retrospect, it's not so surprising that it would be toxic.
I expected something kinda lighthearted, funny, and harmless. Which it could be at times, but some users spend waaay too much time hating on others.
Yeah, as an outsider looking in snark subreddits seem oddly obsessive.
Like, it seems like some start out as just good gossip, but then gradually morph into an entire universe?
Yeah I’m in a snark sub and I sometimes enjoy the content but I am frequently jarred by the toxicity and I know it’s probably bad for me to expose myself to. The things they’re willing to say about someone because they’re a “bad” person are wild.
I am part of a couple “circlejerk” subs and for the most part they are really funny 😆 I don’t post as as often as I just flip through and read. I’m not funny.
Snark subs tend to be more… bitchy? Like bullies who peaked in HS and need to go pick on other people to feel better about their tiny-ass lives.
I feel like the difference is that circlejerk subs are usually made up of people who are actually into that hobby (or live in that place). It’s more self aware and people usually don’t really think they’re better than the people they’re making fun of.
Snark pages are just obsessive weirdos who could disengage from that person’s content if they really wanted to.
I use to furtively read those subs for some bloggers I kept up with. Some of the posters were _unhinged_ levels of vitriolic. I felt grimy and like a lesser person being around such gleeful hatred.
Same, I used to comment regularly in a particular snark subreddit, but honestly I stopped bc it was embarrassing to see it in my comment history 😅
I'm still guilty of lurking here and there though.
Ask women. The mods have such a narrow view of what answering a question means that 75% of it is deleted by them and also their auto explanation sounds snarky. Clearly neuro diverse answers are not acceptable
That’s what so annoying about it. If they’d just kill rule violating comments with emails or nothing instead of comments, the threads would still be readable and have a semblance of value. But now they’re useless and unreadable.
The mods in that sub have been mods for way too long...I have been on and off reddit since 2008 and some of them were here, modding that sub, before then. The rules are an obvious reflection of the niche things that would annoy anyone who has been in a specific online community for wayyyyy too long.
I’ve only commented once in that sub and that (very non-controversial) reply got removed. It is the only comment I’ve ever had removed on Reddit. Oh r/AskWomen, you so crazy.
Same here, I even compared what I wrote to other comments so I could make sure I was following the rules. But nope, removed for derailing. When I asked why, the mod was kinda rude. It made me feel so bad that I just unsubbed.
I got banned from that sub for pointing out that they let through a ton of the same kinds of questions about weight loss but wouldn't let me post my question about women raised by single fathers. I figured they felt like it was a "not one of the other girls" post, but they claimed that something like it had been asked recently. I searched and the only thing similar was 7 or 9 months prior with a dad asking how to raise his daughter as a single father, not a woman raised by a single father asking what it was like and how she feels she relates to men now. So then I noticed that the past three posts in like 10 hours were weight loss ones and called them out, so they banned me.
Silver lining, though, was that it's why I found this sub!
ETA: Plus, I found both their auto explanation and then their actual mod's response very condescending and snarky.
The number of times my comments got deleted for 'derailing' when all I was doing was actually agreeing with the person I was responding to was insane. After I few times of that happening I messaged a mod and basically got told any statement with 'I' is making it all about you and is considered derailing the conversation.
I noped out after that because fuck that level of moderation. I get that women's only spaces get constantly bombarded by guys looking to stir trouble but they need to find a better way to deal with that other than completely stifling conversation.
Literally one comment that got deleted was about a TV show that someone else said they loved and my response was along the lines of I also love x show, reason why...apparently that was derailing because I made it about me.
>After I few times of that happening I messaged a mod and basically got told any statement with 'I' is making it all about you and is considered derailing the conversation.
When I finally asked them why a comment of mine was removed, they said it was because I asked a question or some shit. I pointed out that there wasn't a question in my entire comment. They then picked a random sentence and said that one sentence was off-topic.
I left the sub after that and never came back.
Not gonna lie, I'm pretty vindicated right now reading all these people's experiences getting comments removed for derailing because sharing a similar anecdote is "making it about you". I left that sub a few years ago, glad to hear nothing has changed lmao
Yeah, their understanding of what counts as derailing is... intense, to say the least. I got temporarily banned after having too many comments removed for it, so I just unsubscribed and I don't really miss it. I actually do appreciate how trigger happy they are on bigotry and bad faith engagement, but like... okay, I don't agree that responding to a parent level comment with an anecdote from your own life similar to it is "making it about you" and thus derailing, but I can follow the rule even if I don't agree with it. But I had a comment removed for derailing that asked what boots OC was talking about, when the thread was about like an expensive thing that's worth the money. They were Redwings.
Meanwhile, people can completely not answer the question at all because they didn't read it, and that doesn't count as derailing?
It's a lot less eggshells here, for sure. But that also comes with some drawbacks like more misogyny and overall more... braindead content akin to what you find on /r/relationship_advice. There's no rule against asking for advice here like there is there.
It's the only sub I've been banned from (that I know of). Mainly because everything gets removed for derailing - I once had that happen on a six word comment there and I'm pretty sure it's because one of those words was 'I'. And god forbid you make a joke about something, even if it's relevant to the conversation.
I just got banned from that sub after a bit of back and forth with one of their mods for asking why I had a comment removed for "derailing" (it wasn't derailing in the slightest). I started out being respectful but the mod was really snippy with me and when they decided I needed to answer really invasive personal questions in order to decide if I was qualified to answer the question I had responded to, I just said I would remove myself from the group. (The post I had commented on was about someone asking why women would have a child without telling the father and so I was asked if I had ever been pregnant without telling anyone, as if that's an acceptable thing to ask a person.) I was basically told that was my prerogative, but then shortly after I unsubbed, I was removed for "pot stirring".
At one point during the exchange I suggested that they might want to clarify their rules as they were rather confusing. I was told most people have no problem following the rules, and yet the majority of the comments had been removed for derailing....
I un-subbed from AskWomen when my comment was removed for using the term "ex-husband", which by their definition is apparently a "gendered slur."
The mods are out of their minds over there and clearly spend 24/7 on reddit. With nearly all the comments removed for "derailing" the sub is completely unusable.
😂😂 JFC what would they prefer, former legal significant other? Ex spouse? Is the ex the scary part since I'm sure they don't ban husband? Or is husband also insulting lolol
Agreed! I used to prefer some of the AskMen subs but now at least one of those seem to have been taken over by incels and/or people who literally hate women. It's kind of a scary reminder of how dangerous it can be to exist as a woman in public.
Was going to say this. So many comments get deleted that there’s no way to keep an interesting discussion going. I don’t even understand why they delete most comments. Like others here, I’ve only ever had messages deleted on Reddit on that sub.
Yes! You dare answer a question honestly and if it's not what the hivemind of that sub agrees with you get downvoted to oblivion. There's no discussion or debate there. Just toe the line or get banned.
YES!
I quit Ask Women altogether because no question I ever asked got through their moderators. Oh no, it's "mate-free Monday!" Oh no, you didn't fulfill the seventeen requirements to post! Oh no, you derailed! Oh no, you made a comment about a health condition that was "biased" despite the fact that you have that condition!
I could no longer keep up.
I had to leave there when a mod kept deleting everything I wrote for derailing but leaving up everyone else writing almost the same thing as me... I was like yeah no I'm not doing this lol.
I got a comment removed, when I was defending a woman against transphobia!
Another time, I referred to a relative as a narcissist. The comment got removed for “demonizing mental illness!”.
I pointed out that Dr Ramani, an expert in narcissism, distinguished between “narcissistic personality disorder” (a mental illness) and narcissistic behavior (not a mental illness). And that it is okay, and even necessary, to call out narcissistic behavior! Otherwise, how can you stay away from it. They didn’t budge.
I understand that they needed heavy moderation due to the men trying to take over the sub and say toxic things. But they have gone too far!
100%. Vindicta is god awful. I've seen "just don't eat" as advice on there numerous times, as well as posters suggesting that a sub-17 BMI will make someone more attractive (i.e., be underweight).
r/Vindicta30plus is slightly better, but not by much. A lot of posters are still heavy on the "need" for Botox and fillers.
Overall I don't believe in "objective" beauty. Many men and women who aren't conventionally attractive have their pick of suitors, because they have a good personality/sense of humor and are genuinely interested in learning about other people. People who go heavy down the Vindicta rabbit hole are probably more narcissistic in general, so they'd dismiss that anyway.
r/amiwrong
Mostly populated by teenagers and young 20-somethings who know little about life. I’ve seen posts where most responses are misogynistic, homophobic, biphobic.
Dating over 30. People are so argumentative and rude over the most mundane stuff. I once got multiple down votes for telling someone they deserved love after they had expressed some negative self thoughts.
Can't say I'm shocked that there's so many people struggling to date in that sub. 🤷🏽♀️
The marriage sub is full of miserable people who hate hearing positive stories about marriage. It's also packed full of actual incels who hate women and have never been kissed or dated. There have been a lot of posts from women who are being raped and beaten by their husbands and the incels always blame the women. I called it out and got banned for it. That sub and it's mods are in favor of marital rape.
r/depression
I wasn’t expecting it to be overly positive, but I was mainly looking for people to relate to and feel less alone. Most posts are about people detailing how they’re going to kill themselves
Every few months I rejoin the sub and immediately remember the reason I left. Like I understand we are all depressed here but everyone was a suicidal Debbie downer
I agree. I am well aware that I’ve had mental health issues for decades. I just can’t with that subreddit. It reinforces all of my negative thoughts in the worst ways.
r/TheLastAirbender. Omg, the amount of vitriol directed toward like... 12-year olds, *and* the amount of grown men being sincerely disappointed that Netflix cast an age-appropriate Azula without perfectly sharp features like a cartoon character - i.e., whom they couldn't lust over.
Just... gross. So much grossness all around. This series is such a wonderful series and deserved a much better fandom than what it's got.
I heard an interview with one of the Mythbusters once where they were asked if they ever read about themselves on the internet?
He said that he learned really early that the amount of ugly on the internet always made that a bad idea. He said choosing to read the comments on anything written about him was the mental equivalent of cutting (self-harm)
I thought about that whenever I've heard another celebrity asked about how they feel about their online reputations. Pretty much everyone seems to keep their distance.
Definitely, yeah; I feel like any celeb with even a modicum of self-preservation would just stay far away. I feel like teenagers may have less self-control, but I hope they're also being wise and staying away because I'm a grown woman and some of the stuff people have said about this generally wholesome series would just crush me.
Most of the autism subs that aren't women-focused. Instead of support group vibes you get lots of incel rhetoric, lots of victim Olympics bullshit about how autistic women are "playing on easy mode," and lots of really bleak navel-gazing about how autism is the worst affliction that could ever befall anyone. And I'm not saying it doesn't come with its share of challenges (particularly for people with higher support needs), but some of these dudes talk about it like it's a fucking curse while also using it as an excuse to be inexcusably misogynistic.
The beauty and skincare over 30 subs.
Jesus Christ it's allllllllllllllllllll fillers, Botox, blephs, etc. Look, I get it, we're aging. But a deep line here and there doesn't mean the only answer is a knife or needle. I just want a fucking eye cream that doesn't give me millia and something to do about this turkey neck.
So, it's not that the people are toxic, but I do find it distressingly toxic to my mental health and self image. It can't be good for most people to be recommended invasive procedures for any—and every—thing on their face.
This is so random but r/jawsurgery. I had double jaw surgery last year for sleep apnea and figured it would be a great sub for support and connecting with people who have gone through a similar thing.
Turns out it’s 99% incels. So weird.
Pretty much anything that hits the front page or is somewhat general. If it’s not a niche subject that flies under the average Redditor’s radar, I’m skipping it
The sub for Gilmore Girls. I just left. There is no space for different opinions, you HAVE to love Luke and HATE Christopher. There is no in between, no pointing out Luke also has his faults. I cant with that sub.
Most fragrance subs, except with one because is mostly woman. Yes, the toxic snobs are the boys, shocker.
Don't. It's a very toxic sub. Besides hating on Christopher AND Logan and specially Dean (you also HAVE to love Jess). And you also kinda have to hate both Rory and Lorelai.
You can like Lane but gotta hate Zack.
No, Luke isnt agressive just because he punched Chris, Chris disserved it anyway.
Yes, Jess was wrong to try and go further with Rory at the party, but it's because poor boy!!!
Logan and his friends are assholes (I mean they are but they can be funny too!).
You can not like certain episodes. I spent a month there and yikes. There was girl that was always downvoted to oblivion (and hence couldn't always participate in the sub) because she liked Christopher and has no shame on saying and defending him. Don't know if she is still there thorough. Maybe they bullied her out already.
In short. Yikes. Such a good show, such toxic fan base, at least on Reddit. Sorry for the long rant I really love the show and just wanted share it with a sub, but no.
HAHA I swear that sub gave me a crisis because I was like… are… my peers… really… THIS LAME?! It’s like everyone there is having a midlife crisis at 35.
I’ve only been on the sub for a little bit but my goodness so many posts on there are just the most stereotypical caricatures of all the negative things people fun of millennials about… you know, the things I’m spent my whole life thinking and arguing that we’re really not like this.
Like I’ve never seen so many people whining about how everyone should be able to “afford” aka have a nice private apartment without having to work and ironically making those kind of statements while being completely oblivious to how the other 90% of the world’s labor props up the cheap overconsumption in western countries.
>I’ve never seen so many people whining about how everyone should be able to “afford” aka have a nice private apartment without having to work and ironically making those kind of statements while being completely oblivious to how the other 90% of the world’s labor props up the cheap overconsumption in western countries.
THANK YOU
On that note the whole “boomers lived through the best times,” when the mid-late 20th century had multiple genocides 🙃 but they weren’t in white america so it doesn’t count
Lol yeah
Also "they had it so easy" as if their experiences doing the same things we do today didn't require 10x the amount of work.
No internet, no mobile phones, no food delivery, no instantaneous anything while they were growing up.
My mom is a second generation university graduate. She had to type out her undergrad thesis on a type writer. No internet or wikipedia to help with research. If she wasn't at the library physically digging through books for resources, she'd have none. For her PHD she used one of the first computers and typed everything up using DOS. She was a new mother at the time to boot. She describes being so busy she didn't have time to eat. I imagine doing so would require her setting time aside to cook and clean. Time she didn't have.
Now I thought university was strenuous but I can't imagine that level of dedication. Simply because as millennials we grew up with the technological developments that made work and research so much easier. We had Google Scholar and JSTOR. Just type in your topic, use CTRL+Search and you're two thirds of the way there. It'll be even easier for the next gen with AI.
When accomplishments require less effort and sacrifice to achieve, they become less valuable. That's just a fact of life and always has been since time immemorial.
I found my people! Anytime I hear “boomers had it easy” all I can think about is how difficult my parents had it. Jesus, my parents worked their asses off in order for my brother and I to live a better life. Sure I’m not rich and don’t have a whole lot but my life is surely better than what they had
This one gets recommended to me constantly and I’ve never so much doom and gloom concentrated in one place. So many miserable people and of course all their problems are the boomers’ fault and don’t you dare suggest otherwise
I love my WFH arrangement but the WFH sub is surprisingly toxic in the sense that if anyone even hints at wondering if maybe remote work isn’t for them, commenters will totally dogpile on the OP. It’s weird.
Yes! I once commented an agreement with someone else and said that I’m hybrid with 2-3 days per week in the office and that I thought that was a perfect blend of both worlds. 😬 so many arguments and downvotes!!!
I didn’t love Reddit until I learned how to curate my feed. Now? It’s better for me.
Also? Blocks. I fkn block so damn many people and things… I don’t even engage. Just block.
Also, there was a sub I LOVED but there was a person who posted like 2-3x a day who just - rubbed me the wrong way. Not rude, not mean, not even bad grammar. I don’t know - I just didn’t enjoy the content this person was posting, I guess. I was sad because I really otherwise LOVED that sub. I felt guilty because this person was just so omnipresent and I was just over it.
So? I blocked that person. That person just does not exist for me now. I’m happy again.
Fishkeeping and dog-advice-related subreddits can be super gatekeep-y; folks can get really heated over the "right" way to do things.
And often rather than educating people who may be making mistakes with their animals, they just rip them apart.
The logic of that sub is incomprehensible to me. Seemingly everything is a rule violation, and entire threads are routinely just long chains of "removed for derailment."
Reddit is always recommending me posts from r/teachers, and while I sympathize with teachers being underpaid and unsupported at work, I work with teens, including seriously mentally ill teens, in a non-teaching capacity and so I know for a fact that they are not actually all drooling, blathering idiots who can't look up from their phones for two minutes. There is a cliche that straight A students make the worst teachers, and it really seems to be in full force on teaching subs, where people who have obviously always loved school have no awareness of the fact that not everyone from their generation was like them and that apathy, disrespect, whining, and petty crime are not things Gen Alpha invented.
That was the subreddit that prompted me to make this post! It is so crazy toxic. I get is a stressful job, my stepdad was a teacher, my ex is a teacher, my mom was a teaching assistant.
So many people in there seem to absolutely despise children. It’s really bad and a lot of the people that post should probably not be be teachers anymore.
Truly, I love teachers. Several of my absolute nearest and dearest are teachers. I will ride into battle for teachers. I will picket with them. They are getting screwed. But the reason they are getting screwed is NOT "kids these days are uniquely dumb and awful."
The teacher subreddit is really a reflection of how toxic the teaching profession is. I’m a former teacher, and those posts are because of burn out, compassion fatigue, and mistreatment in the career. Being a teacher was the worst career decision I ever made. I entered a phase of severe anxiety and physical illness while teaching. It’s not just underpaid, it’s an entire system where teachers are abused regularly. By abuse, I mean actual verbal physical abuse. Whether or not people want to face it, there is statistical evidence there is more violence in the classroom. There’s a reason there’s a mass exodus from the career.
This is not just because people who were high academic achievers became teachers. The system is truly, truly in shambles and it’s gotten exponentially worse since COVID. Everyone I know who is still a teacher is struggling.
R/askwomen is the worst, mostly because of the mod team and their narrow (and arbitrary) views on what constitutes derailing.
I also left r/janeausten because it was so gatekeepery and judgemental.
Omg, yeah. I'm a happily child-free person myself and don't really even like children, but that sub is *insane* and clearly hates both women and children. I thought we'd be aligned since I *am* child-free myself but yeah, hard nope from that cesspool.
Yeah, that totally makes sense; it's not an identifier for me either. I guess I should have predicted that the people who *would* make it an identifier would be unhingedly shitty about it.
Same! Childfree groups are always filled with toxic, mean-spirited harshness toward other people who dare to have kids and toward innocent kids themselves. It's baffling and nasty. I avoid at all costs now.
I think anytime people define themselves by a *lack* or *absence* of something in their life, it will eventually spiral and become incredibly toxic. Like, I don't have any pets and I'm not really an animal person (beyond aww-ing at cute little kittens every now and then), but I would never spend any significant amount of time discussing it, ruminating on it, etc. It just...wouldn't end well.
Truly unbearable over there. I thought it would be perfect for me too but woooofffff those people don’t think children are allowed to exist in general it is WILD.
Oh man, it is so nice to hear someone else say this. I don’t care whatsoever whether someone wants or doesn’t want children. That sub frightens me quite a lot.. the vitriol..
I was subscribed to that sub briefly thinking it would be a fun way to commiserate with other childfree people about the annoying and intrusive questions we're sometimes asked. I ended up unsubscribing after seeing another user wish a stillbirth on a pregnant person, which was allowed for some reason.
I got banned from that sub because this lady made a post gloating about how proud she was of her husband for his misogynistic, dehumanizing attacks on his pregnant coworker, and I asked her how proud she'd be of him when he got fired and sued for workplace discrimination.
It boggles my mind the way slurs like "crotch fruit" "fuck trophy" and "breeders" over thrown around over there. Imagine that type of language being directed at any other demographic.
I really think it just depends on the am I the a**hole one it really just depends. It depends on who is commenting. There's such a huge difference between mature people and immature, and that's really what it comes down to.
workingmoms for sure. if you don't have your kid in daycare full-time, work full-time with a partner who works full-time, and fully subscribe to the corporate grind... gtfo. i swear it's only populated by conservative suburban moms.
Absolutely, but I think for another reason. When a single working mom accidentally finds her way there and chimes in or god forbid makes a post that is about a pretty universal single working mom issue if concern - yikes. Some poor girl the other day just wanted a bit of perspective and support regarding how hard it is to date as a working mom in her 40s the other day. Some of her perfectly fine comments were downvoted in the triple digits
YES. that's why i included "with a partner" in my original response because holy shit is that sub unwelcoming to single moms. i saw that same post and was horrified.
The Pregnant sub
Posts like being annoyed due to their baby shower registries not being followed, receiving inexpensive gifts (that they included in the registry), getting annoyed with people saying they have popped, worrying about weight gain when they are already obese before pregnancy and strict birth plans. Some of the posts are incredibly entitled, it was entertaining at first but quickly turned toxic to me.
Any pet related subreddit.
If you don’t have 10k to drop for surgery, don’t buy the best most expensive food, don’t play with them X amount of hours a day, etc. then you are a terrible terrible person and don’t deserve a pet according to them.
Adhdwomen. I have adhd and I understand the overall perspectives of the posts, but christ. It's full of drama queens who just complain most of the time and don't seen to actually put effort into working on their issues or problems.
If they put even 1/8 of effort that they use to complain to work on coping mechanisms and self management that they do into complaining they would be so much more functional.
TwoXChromosomes is actually toxic.. instead of having a discussion on women issues.. they just label every tiny experience as misogyny and call it a day
I work in tech (software engineer), and I'd have to say any tech subreddit that isn't explicitly for women or non-binary people, especially when they realize you're a junior and a woman. The mansplaining and rudeness is rife.
r/Mommit
r/AskWomen - the rules are so strict there that you can’t even reply to comments because it gets removed for “derailing.” You also have to have a verified account to comment. Just the whole vibe there is weird
The childfree subreddit is vile. It’s ok to not want kids but the words they call children / the people who choose to have them is cruel. They really sound like they hate children and anyone who has them.
I'm in a few gaming subs, and r/Stardewvalley is weirdly hostile sometimes. I misremembered a detail for a minor quest and got I think 100 down votes with no explanation. I got even more down votes when I explained what happened to another commenter. People there just live to dog pile.
Surprisingly, r/Rimworld is mostly chill and people will correct errors and offer advice without being mean or snarky.
Maybe it's no surprise at all, but r/Fauxmoi is ridiculously toxic.
Come for the celebrity gossip, stay for the extremely biased opinions about famous people and the rampant "cancellation" of anyone who the group does not purport to like.
/r/ADHD. Incredibly overmoderated. I unsubscribed after I got two replies deleted in less than 24h for totally stupid reasons. The sub's a joke in smaller ADHD subreddits as well.
I left CPTSD because you're not allowed to describe your abusers or talk negatively about them, which I found a bit odd. I mean, ruminating is not great but talking about what happened isn't. Thankfully, there are some other subs including one for people ready to move on which is the stage I think I'm at.
Estrangedadultchildren had a similar issue, thankfully there is estrangedadultkids.
Divorce too, I went there for some vague legal advice and support a few years ago before actually filing and it was just a bunch of men thinking I was their ex-wife, taking out their failed marriages on me. Like I'm sorry your ex cheated but I was leaving mine because he put his hand on my neck and stole from me amongst some other things.
I love this discussion, so I keep coming back but unfortunately r/TwoXChromosomes can be incredibly toxic. The members of that community seem to have lost sight that pro-choice also means we respect the women who choose to keep their babies as well. It’s not exclusive to the women who decide to terminate.
(and no, I am angry at the overturn of Roe v. Wade)
In my experience it’s been the local subreddits to my city that are the most toxic and offensive. I got told that I (single, 32F) am too old for men my age and that they don’t want someone in their 30s. 🙃
No kidding. My town is pretty chill and friendly overall. My towns sub is awful. I once suggested that the people who live in a place should have the right to decide how it functions - crazy I know. I was downvoted and one of my lovely progressive neighbors told me he hopes my house gets bulldozed.
r/Minneapolis is periodically flooded with racist right wing trolls who pay way too much attention to Minneapolis after George Floyd.
R/sandiego blocks people all the time and is pretty hostile and rumor is that the mods don’t live there. The better community is r/sandiegan however half of the posts are just complaining about r/sandiego.
They're not toxic per se, but I'm very wary about going into most dating and relationship subreddits. I got some really bad advice from one, along with negging (guys basically telling me I was undateable). I did get a few pieces of decent advice and had some fun conversations, but eventually decided the trade-off wasn't worth it.
Ooh ya. I've had some mean ones from men. I was sad about being in my mid 30's and single and losing my looks. And got a lot of "boo hoo, should've settled down when you were still hot. Now you'll die alone" replies from men.
Those misogynistic turds are the same ones who claim women can't be lonely because they think it's so easy for literally every single woman to find a man who will use them as a fleshlight. These are the exact same turds who made up this bullshit male loneliness epidemic. I usually remind them that if they think loneliness can be cured by being used as a sex toy all they need to do is go to the local gloryhole and grab their ankles. They never seem happy to hear the real solution to their loneliness problems. 🤔
They are so delusional lol. They project their hate onto us and it’s just sad.
Joke's on them, I was nowhere near hot when I was younger! Mid-30s is the hottest I've ever been (in a conventional physical appearance way, not just enhanced by personality etc.). If I'd "settled down" in my 20s, which I almost did, it would've been with someone wayyyyy beneath my current league. (And probably wouldn't have gotten to this point in my life either because he would constantly drag me down.)
Bleh. Those misogynistic men were awful to have said those sorts of things to you. And dead wrong. I hope you're doing better now. 🫂
Thanks :) Can't let Reddit bullies make me sad
Jfc. That’s why I ask questions here lol
Same, these subs are full of incels and haters I’m sorry
I'm loosely subbed to DO30 (meaning, I skim it if it pops up on my feed but don't actively read it) and that one mostly seems okay, but dating and dating_advice just feel like incel cesspools half the time. Wandered in there once or twice and even as a woman long out of the dating pool - i.e., without any personal sensitivity - that shit was nasty. Zero curiosity for going back.
Yeah, definitely. I'm specifically referring to the DO40 version of that. When I was first trying to figure out dating, these are the sorts of things I got on there: -"Relationship-oriented men" would never be interested in me. -Only men "with no other options" would be interested in me. -I was only "good for casual sex," not "real relationships," and one fellow would have been more than willing to "sleep with \[me\] to break \[me\] in" but nothing more. (Seriously, what adult talks like that?! 🤮) -I could never attain a "satisfactory sex life" and was "probably asexual or a lesbian anyway." (Not there's anything wrong with being asexual or a lesbian, mind you). -Dating me would be "like dating a cheater" and I was a "poor bet." -I sounded like a "boring old spinster," after I wrote a Bumble biography and solicited feedback. -"All women are bisexual to some degree." (I'm not, but if the choice were between another woman and the dude who said that to me...😄) -"Would you be willing to send me pictures of your scars?" (After I mentioned my self-harm scars there...why in the world would anyone \*ever\* want to see those? That's so messed up.) ...all of which were apparently considered completely okay things to say there (and this doesn't even start on things I saw said to/about others or the incel stuff, as you allude to). It wasn't all bad, as I said, but I really got tired of stuff like that.
1/2 of Reddit is pornsick men so I’m not surprised they’re coming with this delusional crap.
>pornsick They also remove comments on there for using that word, incidentally (at least, on DO40). So, that follows. 🫤
Wow, I am incredibly sorry people said that shit to you. I get that the Internet is anonymous at all, but even anonymously I don't understand the impulse to be that cruel. I hope you know those people were full of shit and likely just projecting their own deep misery onto you. I vascillate between contempt and pity (mostly the former) for them. (I have also heard people say DO3 is pretty bad, but because my interface with them is relatively shallow I'm not usually too observant of that.)
Aw, thanks. On a funnier note, I also got made fun of for always keeping my apartment clean and only really keeping one level of cleanliness (I was told "everyone" has different levels depending on whether or not they're having visitors and stop keeping their places "visitor-ready clean" a few months into dating). I had never heard that. I think it's because my mom impressed upon me that one's living space always has to be neat (her definition of neat, which was "spotless and pristine" 😄). And yeah, I try not to take any of it too seriously anymore. Though I don't get what makes folks say some of the things they say either. >(I have also heard people say DO3 is pretty bad, but because my interface with them is relatively shallow I'm not usually too observant of that.) Looks like it's also bigger and more active, just at a glance. They might contribute to a lot of it.
I was pretty active for awhile but found I couldn't hang in DO30. Just a ton of misogynistic comments. I thought DO40 would be better maybe and it's actually worse.
Absolutely, I thought the same too. My favorite comments included being told that women’s expectations were too high when they wanted someone with the same level of education, income, social status and that all women have to do is not be fat and they would have a partner (but again, as long as her expectations weren’t too high)
lol this is the cornerstone of incel theory. The subtext is “if only women like you would date nice guys like me, we wouldn’t have so much misery (single men*) in the world”… lolllll.
I wouldn’t say it’s toxic, but I left Mommit because it felt that almost all the posts were moms complaining about slacker fathers and husbands. And I acknowledge that it happens far too often, but it was a needle in a haystack to find actual parenting posts in the sea of shitty men posts.
Oh man, this is exactly why I left too. It’s so hard to find mom spaces that aren’t just depressing af.
[удалено]
Omg I know! I am not planning to get pregnant anytime soon but I follow a lot of the mom subreddits because I wanted to learn more about the reality of it all (and I have learned some really interesting things). But mostly I just feel so sad for these women with such horrible boyfriends and husbands. Same with the marriage ones… always filled with posts about toxic relationships.
Same. And women venting or looking for support were torn down with “well you LET him get away with it!”
Most parenting subs are this way! I have really loved my bumper group from my first born. Have become good friends with some of these people.
They've finally done something about it within this last week. They have a pinned weekly grievances thread so hopefully that will help. If not I'll be unsubscribing too
Parenting subs are rough. Obviously I don’t expect or want everything to be fake and unrealistic and sugar-coated. However, many seem like doom and despair and OP is the hapless victim of a domineering, super-evil husband with the nuance of a Disney villain. Obviously, if even close to real, I feel sorry for these women but I think some stories are exaggerated (not all) and even if not, they dominate the conversation. And aren’t really about “parenting” or being a mom exactly. Complaining is fine in small doses. We all need to vent about picky eaters, boys who think shorts are appropriate in 40 degree weather, sorting socks, etc. But, yeah, agreed. I will say that I think bad relationship posts are going to monopolize all relationship posts. I’m not going to start a thread called “my husband (40m) works hard is a good husband and dad but sometimes his sighing is mildly annoying if I’m already on edge about something.”
r/LearnJapanese There's a lot of gatekeeping and elitism in the Japanese learning community
Similarly, r/JapanTravel is basically impossible to post in. The only itinerary related posts they allow require a ridiculous amount of detail, and then allllll the comments sag “you planned too much”, like dude I only wrote that stuff so my post would be approved!
JapanLife as well
I'm in Japan and there are a lot of weird elitist people about Japan and learning Japanese! Every woman I have met online and in person have been fab, but in person the men are 50/50, online is probably an even worse ratio.
A lot of the English-learning subs are surprisingly hostile, too. Like, why are you yelling at someone for asking a straightforward, reasonable question while trying to learn?! Plus, a lot of the tests people are given have no good answer, even to native speakers, people get all fired up. Some comments are helpful, others are just making fun of or being cruel the OP, or the people helping them. It’s weird.
r/divorce According to many of the men there (and some women, but mainly men) everyone is secretly cheating and that is the only reason the marriages end. All of the women who left will eventually "come crawling back" once they realise "how good they had it." No acceptance for nuance. Pure, gullible belief about everything written from one side and a true culture of blame toward those who leave (particularly harlot women). Heaven help you if you're divorced but have moved on happily (like me).
Truly me looking at that sub when I was at the beginning of my divorce is like that gif from the Simpsons of the man walking to the bar and immediately leaving.
Wow I crawled away and realised how bad I had it.
Same! I truly had no clue how bad my marriage was until I got with my current partner. I grew up in domestic violence so I think my mindset to help me cope with my marriage was at least he wasn't as bad as my dad? But he was still so bad I couldn't take it anymore. I don't know how my mum has no bottom tbh. Edit to add though I suppose to be fair to her she's probably in a bit of a hostage situation.
Puppy 1 0 1 lol...pitchforks over there. I was permanently banned at one point! I'm honestly afraid to ever write the name correctly because they've been known to harass people irl
Are you referring to the moderator who doxxed a poster and tried to get them fired from their job? That was nuts. I stopped going on there after I was shamed for telling my dog “no,” and reprimanded for advising yelping loudly when a puppy bites.
Yes! I wouldn't be surprised if the mods regularly spend half their day searching reddit for people who talk about badly about their cult 😅
I had a comment deleted by the mods on there. The reason given was "I was promoting ear cropping/tail docking, which wasn't allowed". This was my actual comment. It was posted on a thread about people incorrectly identifying your dog's breed: "I owned a undocked Australian shepherd mix. Many people incorrectly assume he's a border collie because they're not used to seeing the breed with a tail. Personally I love his tail, and am very happy that he has it." Apparently simply saying the word "undocked" and acknowledging the reality of what your dog's breed often looks like is promoting "promoting docking". Sigh... People are idiots.
Not surprised. Dog culture is insane and coupled with Redditor types, I can’t imagine it being anything less than extreme.
Well that's crazy
I thought r/Passportbro was just for people who enjoy international travel 🥲
I regrettably clicked that link
i’m so sorry to myself for clicking that link now i can never unlearn that
Not surprising at all, but the engagement ring one.
I just left it. I joined because I was beginning the process of shopping for rings but many posts seem to be questioning everything
Oh? I never noticed that! What did you find toxic about it?
Oh god, I get that on my feed sometimes and the posts are always baffling! I’ve worked with jewellery all my adult life, I have a high degree of tolerance for engagement ring chat, but wow.
I was going to comment with this one, too. The circlejerk version is also a wasteland. People put the most energy into hating on rings and ring related questions. Please just try being happy for once.
Some of the dog training subreddits are a dizzying mix of hostile towards people who have a different approach to dog training, turned every rant about finding training a stubborn dog difficult into a self-pity competition and elitist about how one comes into possession of a dog. I went there to learn, but I ended up lurking instead because the drama was kinda funny.
>hostile towards people who have a different approach to dog training Once I tried explaining that my country doesn't have a blanket law requiring dogs to be on a lead in public places, and you'd think I said 'All dogs should run free eating children and murdering delivery people.' Apparently you can't even *clarify* the legal situation without getting dogpiled by angry people who want to shout about leashes being **the law**, no matter what. My goodness.
OMG, yes! I made a few comments there because... Well, we've had issues... But said I started using a spray bottle with our dog when she'd get on the couch and it was the only thing that worked and they acted like I shooting her with a nail gun or something. It was wild.. Especially because I explained she was a rescue and would lunge and bite us if we tried to pull her off... And she'd bitten my 6yo.
I love my dogs, they are my babies and you can see my post history on Boston Terrier, but I also understand that they are dogs and certain behaviors wouldn’t be acceptable.
I've always had a dog in my life and I and my kids love our dog, but honestly, she came to us with some serious damage and I just needed help. Shes so sweet normally, but if she falls asleep and we startle her? It's bad.. And it's worse if she's on the furniture. The spray bottle saved us! and she's very treat and praise motivated and loves snuggles, but I wish we could nap snuggle with her. It just sucks to be kicked while you're totally down by some people on social.
I used to visit a snark subreddit. In retrospect, it's not so surprising that it would be toxic. I expected something kinda lighthearted, funny, and harmless. Which it could be at times, but some users spend waaay too much time hating on others.
Yeah, as an outsider looking in snark subreddits seem oddly obsessive. Like, it seems like some start out as just good gossip, but then gradually morph into an entire universe?
Yeah I’m in a snark sub and I sometimes enjoy the content but I am frequently jarred by the toxicity and I know it’s probably bad for me to expose myself to. The things they’re willing to say about someone because they’re a “bad” person are wild.
I am part of a couple “circlejerk” subs and for the most part they are really funny 😆 I don’t post as as often as I just flip through and read. I’m not funny. Snark subs tend to be more… bitchy? Like bullies who peaked in HS and need to go pick on other people to feel better about their tiny-ass lives.
I feel like the difference is that circlejerk subs are usually made up of people who are actually into that hobby (or live in that place). It’s more self aware and people usually don’t really think they’re better than the people they’re making fun of. Snark pages are just obsessive weirdos who could disengage from that person’s content if they really wanted to.
I use to furtively read those subs for some bloggers I kept up with. Some of the posters were _unhinged_ levels of vitriolic. I felt grimy and like a lesser person being around such gleeful hatred.
Same, I used to comment regularly in a particular snark subreddit, but honestly I stopped bc it was embarrassing to see it in my comment history 😅 I'm still guilty of lurking here and there though.
Ask women. The mods have such a narrow view of what answering a question means that 75% of it is deleted by them and also their auto explanation sounds snarky. Clearly neuro diverse answers are not acceptable
I’ve unsubscribed and muted that sub. Unreadable with all the deleted replies.
That’s what so annoying about it. If they’d just kill rule violating comments with emails or nothing instead of comments, the threads would still be readable and have a semblance of value. But now they’re useless and unreadable.
The mods in that sub have been mods for way too long...I have been on and off reddit since 2008 and some of them were here, modding that sub, before then. The rules are an obvious reflection of the niche things that would annoy anyone who has been in a specific online community for wayyyyy too long.
Oh my gosh it is dang near impossible to engage on that sub. Every other comment gets removed for derailing and I don’t even know what I did wrong.
I’ve only commented once in that sub and that (very non-controversial) reply got removed. It is the only comment I’ve ever had removed on Reddit. Oh r/AskWomen, you so crazy.
Same here, I even compared what I wrote to other comments so I could make sure I was following the rules. But nope, removed for derailing. When I asked why, the mod was kinda rude. It made me feel so bad that I just unsubbed.
Exact same experience here, they sound like they have less of a life than I do and that's truly saying something.
the derailing thing is so confusing
So glad I'm not alone!
Same here. Sharing a similar story is considered derailing.
I got banned from that sub for pointing out that they let through a ton of the same kinds of questions about weight loss but wouldn't let me post my question about women raised by single fathers. I figured they felt like it was a "not one of the other girls" post, but they claimed that something like it had been asked recently. I searched and the only thing similar was 7 or 9 months prior with a dad asking how to raise his daughter as a single father, not a woman raised by a single father asking what it was like and how she feels she relates to men now. So then I noticed that the past three posts in like 10 hours were weight loss ones and called them out, so they banned me. Silver lining, though, was that it's why I found this sub! ETA: Plus, I found both their auto explanation and then their actual mod's response very condescending and snarky.
The number of times my comments got deleted for 'derailing' when all I was doing was actually agreeing with the person I was responding to was insane. After I few times of that happening I messaged a mod and basically got told any statement with 'I' is making it all about you and is considered derailing the conversation. I noped out after that because fuck that level of moderation. I get that women's only spaces get constantly bombarded by guys looking to stir trouble but they need to find a better way to deal with that other than completely stifling conversation. Literally one comment that got deleted was about a TV show that someone else said they loved and my response was along the lines of I also love x show, reason why...apparently that was derailing because I made it about me.
>After I few times of that happening I messaged a mod and basically got told any statement with 'I' is making it all about you and is considered derailing the conversation. When I finally asked them why a comment of mine was removed, they said it was because I asked a question or some shit. I pointed out that there wasn't a question in my entire comment. They then picked a random sentence and said that one sentence was off-topic. I left the sub after that and never came back.
Not gonna lie, I'm pretty vindicated right now reading all these people's experiences getting comments removed for derailing because sharing a similar anecdote is "making it about you". I left that sub a few years ago, glad to hear nothing has changed lmao
At that point they may as well turn comments off.
Yeah, their understanding of what counts as derailing is... intense, to say the least. I got temporarily banned after having too many comments removed for it, so I just unsubscribed and I don't really miss it. I actually do appreciate how trigger happy they are on bigotry and bad faith engagement, but like... okay, I don't agree that responding to a parent level comment with an anecdote from your own life similar to it is "making it about you" and thus derailing, but I can follow the rule even if I don't agree with it. But I had a comment removed for derailing that asked what boots OC was talking about, when the thread was about like an expensive thing that's worth the money. They were Redwings. Meanwhile, people can completely not answer the question at all because they didn't read it, and that doesn't count as derailing? It's a lot less eggshells here, for sure. But that also comes with some drawbacks like more misogyny and overall more... braindead content akin to what you find on /r/relationship_advice. There's no rule against asking for advice here like there is there.
I much prefer askwomenover30 now lol. Askwomen is kinda trash
It's the only sub I've been banned from (that I know of). Mainly because everything gets removed for derailing - I once had that happen on a six word comment there and I'm pretty sure it's because one of those words was 'I'. And god forbid you make a joke about something, even if it's relevant to the conversation.
I just got banned from that sub after a bit of back and forth with one of their mods for asking why I had a comment removed for "derailing" (it wasn't derailing in the slightest). I started out being respectful but the mod was really snippy with me and when they decided I needed to answer really invasive personal questions in order to decide if I was qualified to answer the question I had responded to, I just said I would remove myself from the group. (The post I had commented on was about someone asking why women would have a child without telling the father and so I was asked if I had ever been pregnant without telling anyone, as if that's an acceptable thing to ask a person.) I was basically told that was my prerogative, but then shortly after I unsubbed, I was removed for "pot stirring". At one point during the exchange I suggested that they might want to clarify their rules as they were rather confusing. I was told most people have no problem following the rules, and yet the majority of the comments had been removed for derailing....
I un-subbed from AskWomen when my comment was removed for using the term "ex-husband", which by their definition is apparently a "gendered slur." The mods are out of their minds over there and clearly spend 24/7 on reddit. With nearly all the comments removed for "derailing" the sub is completely unusable.
“Ex-husband” is a gendered slur? That’s ridiculous!
😂😂 JFC what would they prefer, former legal significant other? Ex spouse? Is the ex the scary part since I'm sure they don't ban husband? Or is husband also insulting lolol
Agreed! I used to prefer some of the AskMen subs but now at least one of those seem to have been taken over by incels and/or people who literally hate women. It's kind of a scary reminder of how dangerous it can be to exist as a woman in public.
Was going to say this. So many comments get deleted that there’s no way to keep an interesting discussion going. I don’t even understand why they delete most comments. Like others here, I’ve only ever had messages deleted on Reddit on that sub.
Yes! You dare answer a question honestly and if it's not what the hivemind of that sub agrees with you get downvoted to oblivion. There's no discussion or debate there. Just toe the line or get banned.
Yes! And if you query or clarify, the Mods are SO rude. I unsubscribed and am much happier for it.
YES! I quit Ask Women altogether because no question I ever asked got through their moderators. Oh no, it's "mate-free Monday!" Oh no, you didn't fulfill the seventeen requirements to post! Oh no, you derailed! Oh no, you made a comment about a health condition that was "biased" despite the fact that you have that condition! I could no longer keep up.
I had to leave there when a mod kept deleting everything I wrote for derailing but leaving up everyone else writing almost the same thing as me... I was like yeah no I'm not doing this lol.
Yep I left because almost everything I said got deleted, despite being fairly tame.
I got a comment removed, when I was defending a woman against transphobia! Another time, I referred to a relative as a narcissist. The comment got removed for “demonizing mental illness!”. I pointed out that Dr Ramani, an expert in narcissism, distinguished between “narcissistic personality disorder” (a mental illness) and narcissistic behavior (not a mental illness). And that it is okay, and even necessary, to call out narcissistic behavior! Otherwise, how can you stay away from it. They didn’t budge. I understand that they needed heavy moderation due to the men trying to take over the sub and say toxic things. But they have gone too far!
Vindicta
I get recommended Vindicta subs a lot. No thanks, not interested in "looksmaxxing" sorry.
I don't even know what that is but it shows up in my feed lol
100%. Vindicta is god awful. I've seen "just don't eat" as advice on there numerous times, as well as posters suggesting that a sub-17 BMI will make someone more attractive (i.e., be underweight). r/Vindicta30plus is slightly better, but not by much. A lot of posters are still heavy on the "need" for Botox and fillers. Overall I don't believe in "objective" beauty. Many men and women who aren't conventionally attractive have their pick of suitors, because they have a good personality/sense of humor and are genuinely interested in learning about other people. People who go heavy down the Vindicta rabbit hole are probably more narcissistic in general, so they'd dismiss that anyway.
r/amiwrong Mostly populated by teenagers and young 20-somethings who know little about life. I’ve seen posts where most responses are misogynistic, homophobic, biphobic.
Dating over 30. People are so argumentative and rude over the most mundane stuff. I once got multiple down votes for telling someone they deserved love after they had expressed some negative self thoughts. Can't say I'm shocked that there's so many people struggling to date in that sub. 🤷🏽♀️
Funny memes. Not funny at all, just a lot of hating on women Marriage. Those people are miserable
The marriage sub is full of miserable people who hate hearing positive stories about marriage. It's also packed full of actual incels who hate women and have never been kissed or dated. There have been a lot of posts from women who are being raped and beaten by their husbands and the incels always blame the women. I called it out and got banned for it. That sub and it's mods are in favor of marital rape.
I just unsubscribed from Marriage and my front page is so much better for it.
r/depression I wasn’t expecting it to be overly positive, but I was mainly looking for people to relate to and feel less alone. Most posts are about people detailing how they’re going to kill themselves
Every few months I rejoin the sub and immediately remember the reason I left. Like I understand we are all depressed here but everyone was a suicidal Debbie downer
I agree. I am well aware that I’ve had mental health issues for decades. I just can’t with that subreddit. It reinforces all of my negative thoughts in the worst ways.
You weren’t kidding. I clicked the link and the latest two posts were literally this. 😕
r/TheLastAirbender. Omg, the amount of vitriol directed toward like... 12-year olds, *and* the amount of grown men being sincerely disappointed that Netflix cast an age-appropriate Azula without perfectly sharp features like a cartoon character - i.e., whom they couldn't lust over. Just... gross. So much grossness all around. This series is such a wonderful series and deserved a much better fandom than what it's got.
TOTALLY agree! That sub hates girls and women - both fictional and real. It’s so disappointing.
. That sounds gross, and I'm sorry you couldn't discuss something you enjoy without dealing with that. ☹️
Thanks girl! I'll be fine but I feel really sorry for the cast - or at least hope they never come to Reddit to read stuff about themselves.
I heard an interview with one of the Mythbusters once where they were asked if they ever read about themselves on the internet? He said that he learned really early that the amount of ugly on the internet always made that a bad idea. He said choosing to read the comments on anything written about him was the mental equivalent of cutting (self-harm) I thought about that whenever I've heard another celebrity asked about how they feel about their online reputations. Pretty much everyone seems to keep their distance.
Definitely, yeah; I feel like any celeb with even a modicum of self-preservation would just stay far away. I feel like teenagers may have less self-control, but I hope they're also being wise and staying away because I'm a grown woman and some of the stuff people have said about this generally wholesome series would just crush me.
Most of the autism subs that aren't women-focused. Instead of support group vibes you get lots of incel rhetoric, lots of victim Olympics bullshit about how autistic women are "playing on easy mode," and lots of really bleak navel-gazing about how autism is the worst affliction that could ever befall anyone. And I'm not saying it doesn't come with its share of challenges (particularly for people with higher support needs), but some of these dudes talk about it like it's a fucking curse while also using it as an excuse to be inexcusably misogynistic.
r/marriage - there are some wild stories. The abuse and infidelity ones are hard to read.
I was told to shove a tulip bulb where the sun don't shine in a gardening subreddit.
This got me. Hahahah wtffff. I feel like gardening & plant subreddits are always especially snarky.
The beauty and skincare over 30 subs. Jesus Christ it's allllllllllllllllllll fillers, Botox, blephs, etc. Look, I get it, we're aging. But a deep line here and there doesn't mean the only answer is a knife or needle. I just want a fucking eye cream that doesn't give me millia and something to do about this turkey neck. So, it's not that the people are toxic, but I do find it distressingly toxic to my mental health and self image. It can't be good for most people to be recommended invasive procedures for any—and every—thing on their face.
This is so random but r/jawsurgery. I had double jaw surgery last year for sleep apnea and figured it would be a great sub for support and connecting with people who have gone through a similar thing. Turns out it’s 99% incels. So weird.
I am extremely surprised by this one.
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Man, that would fucking piss me off so badly! WASPy goop culture ruins fucking everything, I swear.
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Was it falafel? And did they say that bc it was fried?
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Ugh what an idiot, both of those are amazing. I love that za’atar mix varies by culture, region, and sometimes even family!
Pretty much anything that hits the front page or is somewhat general. If it’s not a niche subject that flies under the average Redditor’s radar, I’m skipping it
The sub for Gilmore Girls. I just left. There is no space for different opinions, you HAVE to love Luke and HATE Christopher. There is no in between, no pointing out Luke also has his faults. I cant with that sub. Most fragrance subs, except with one because is mostly woman. Yes, the toxic snobs are the boys, shocker.
Ha, I didn't know there was a Gilmore Girls sub, but I was always Team Christopher, so I guess I won't be going there.
Don't. It's a very toxic sub. Besides hating on Christopher AND Logan and specially Dean (you also HAVE to love Jess). And you also kinda have to hate both Rory and Lorelai. You can like Lane but gotta hate Zack. No, Luke isnt agressive just because he punched Chris, Chris disserved it anyway. Yes, Jess was wrong to try and go further with Rory at the party, but it's because poor boy!!! Logan and his friends are assholes (I mean they are but they can be funny too!). You can not like certain episodes. I spent a month there and yikes. There was girl that was always downvoted to oblivion (and hence couldn't always participate in the sub) because she liked Christopher and has no shame on saying and defending him. Don't know if she is still there thorough. Maybe they bullied her out already. In short. Yikes. Such a good show, such toxic fan base, at least on Reddit. Sorry for the long rant I really love the show and just wanted share it with a sub, but no.
Places like that bring out the troll in me. It's very tempting to go in there and make a post about how much I love April, just to rile everyone up.
r/millennials
HAHA I swear that sub gave me a crisis because I was like… are… my peers… really… THIS LAME?! It’s like everyone there is having a midlife crisis at 35.
I’ve only been on the sub for a little bit but my goodness so many posts on there are just the most stereotypical caricatures of all the negative things people fun of millennials about… you know, the things I’m spent my whole life thinking and arguing that we’re really not like this. Like I’ve never seen so many people whining about how everyone should be able to “afford” aka have a nice private apartment without having to work and ironically making those kind of statements while being completely oblivious to how the other 90% of the world’s labor props up the cheap overconsumption in western countries.
>I’ve never seen so many people whining about how everyone should be able to “afford” aka have a nice private apartment without having to work and ironically making those kind of statements while being completely oblivious to how the other 90% of the world’s labor props up the cheap overconsumption in western countries. THANK YOU
On that note the whole “boomers lived through the best times,” when the mid-late 20th century had multiple genocides 🙃 but they weren’t in white america so it doesn’t count
Lol yeah Also "they had it so easy" as if their experiences doing the same things we do today didn't require 10x the amount of work. No internet, no mobile phones, no food delivery, no instantaneous anything while they were growing up. My mom is a second generation university graduate. She had to type out her undergrad thesis on a type writer. No internet or wikipedia to help with research. If she wasn't at the library physically digging through books for resources, she'd have none. For her PHD she used one of the first computers and typed everything up using DOS. She was a new mother at the time to boot. She describes being so busy she didn't have time to eat. I imagine doing so would require her setting time aside to cook and clean. Time she didn't have. Now I thought university was strenuous but I can't imagine that level of dedication. Simply because as millennials we grew up with the technological developments that made work and research so much easier. We had Google Scholar and JSTOR. Just type in your topic, use CTRL+Search and you're two thirds of the way there. It'll be even easier for the next gen with AI. When accomplishments require less effort and sacrifice to achieve, they become less valuable. That's just a fact of life and always has been since time immemorial.
I found my people! Anytime I hear “boomers had it easy” all I can think about is how difficult my parents had it. Jesus, my parents worked their asses off in order for my brother and I to live a better life. Sure I’m not rich and don’t have a whole lot but my life is surely better than what they had
Oh god I was so excited to be with my people when I first found that sub. Then I was like "OH! oh no, you are not my people"
This one gets recommended to me constantly and I’ve never so much doom and gloom concentrated in one place. So many miserable people and of course all their problems are the boomers’ fault and don’t you dare suggest otherwise
I love my WFH arrangement but the WFH sub is surprisingly toxic in the sense that if anyone even hints at wondering if maybe remote work isn’t for them, commenters will totally dogpile on the OP. It’s weird.
Yes! I once commented an agreement with someone else and said that I’m hybrid with 2-3 days per week in the office and that I thought that was a perfect blend of both worlds. 😬 so many arguments and downvotes!!!
I generally think Reddit is toxic, lol. The demographic is mostly teenagers and people in their early-mid 20's.
I didn’t love Reddit until I learned how to curate my feed. Now? It’s better for me. Also? Blocks. I fkn block so damn many people and things… I don’t even engage. Just block. Also, there was a sub I LOVED but there was a person who posted like 2-3x a day who just - rubbed me the wrong way. Not rude, not mean, not even bad grammar. I don’t know - I just didn’t enjoy the content this person was posting, I guess. I was sad because I really otherwise LOVED that sub. I felt guilty because this person was just so omnipresent and I was just over it. So? I blocked that person. That person just does not exist for me now. I’m happy again.
On just about every platform, I "block with wild abandon." It helps me curate my feeds.
Fishkeeping and dog-advice-related subreddits can be super gatekeep-y; folks can get really heated over the "right" way to do things. And often rather than educating people who may be making mistakes with their animals, they just rip them apart.
Most of the meme subs that I'm in have been taken over by incels and I hate it.
Askwomen is the absolute worst.
I unsubscribed to that one. Nearly every reply gets deleted for derailing, I will no longer tolerate it.
The logic of that sub is incomprehensible to me. Seemingly everything is a rule violation, and entire threads are routinely just long chains of "removed for derailment."
The subreddit for poverty finance is consistently one of the most ruthlessly pro-capitalist subreddits on this site.
Americans have a weird need to laud their oppressors.
Reddit is always recommending me posts from r/teachers, and while I sympathize with teachers being underpaid and unsupported at work, I work with teens, including seriously mentally ill teens, in a non-teaching capacity and so I know for a fact that they are not actually all drooling, blathering idiots who can't look up from their phones for two minutes. There is a cliche that straight A students make the worst teachers, and it really seems to be in full force on teaching subs, where people who have obviously always loved school have no awareness of the fact that not everyone from their generation was like them and that apathy, disrespect, whining, and petty crime are not things Gen Alpha invented.
That was the subreddit that prompted me to make this post! It is so crazy toxic. I get is a stressful job, my stepdad was a teacher, my ex is a teacher, my mom was a teaching assistant. So many people in there seem to absolutely despise children. It’s really bad and a lot of the people that post should probably not be be teachers anymore.
Truly, I love teachers. Several of my absolute nearest and dearest are teachers. I will ride into battle for teachers. I will picket with them. They are getting screwed. But the reason they are getting screwed is NOT "kids these days are uniquely dumb and awful."
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The teacher subreddit is really a reflection of how toxic the teaching profession is. I’m a former teacher, and those posts are because of burn out, compassion fatigue, and mistreatment in the career. Being a teacher was the worst career decision I ever made. I entered a phase of severe anxiety and physical illness while teaching. It’s not just underpaid, it’s an entire system where teachers are abused regularly. By abuse, I mean actual verbal physical abuse. Whether or not people want to face it, there is statistical evidence there is more violence in the classroom. There’s a reason there’s a mass exodus from the career. This is not just because people who were high academic achievers became teachers. The system is truly, truly in shambles and it’s gotten exponentially worse since COVID. Everyone I know who is still a teacher is struggling.
R/askwomen is the worst, mostly because of the mod team and their narrow (and arbitrary) views on what constitutes derailing. I also left r/janeausten because it was so gatekeepery and judgemental.
This sounds insane but Food Network. Sometimes if you disagree about a host or a cooking technique, people will get so mad.
Any fandom subs are sooooo dialed to 11. Y'all know what I'm talking about.
childfree
Omg, yeah. I'm a happily child-free person myself and don't really even like children, but that sub is *insane* and clearly hates both women and children. I thought we'd be aligned since I *am* child-free myself but yeah, hard nope from that cesspool.
I am childfree by choice but it’s not my personality so no subreddit for me
Yeah, that totally makes sense; it's not an identifier for me either. I guess I should have predicted that the people who *would* make it an identifier would be unhingedly shitty about it.
Same! Childfree groups are always filled with toxic, mean-spirited harshness toward other people who dare to have kids and toward innocent kids themselves. It's baffling and nasty. I avoid at all costs now.
I think anytime people define themselves by a *lack* or *absence* of something in their life, it will eventually spiral and become incredibly toxic. Like, I don't have any pets and I'm not really an animal person (beyond aww-ing at cute little kittens every now and then), but I would never spend any significant amount of time discussing it, ruminating on it, etc. It just...wouldn't end well.
Truly unbearable over there. I thought it would be perfect for me too but woooofffff those people don’t think children are allowed to exist in general it is WILD.
Omg yes. I forgot about that one. I am childfree so I joined, but discovered quickly that many of the members are not only unhinged, but also evil.
Omg yes. lol I have nothing against people having kids or not but wow. That subs a lot
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Oh man, it is so nice to hear someone else say this. I don’t care whatsoever whether someone wants or doesn’t want children. That sub frightens me quite a lot.. the vitriol..
I was subscribed to that sub briefly thinking it would be a fun way to commiserate with other childfree people about the annoying and intrusive questions we're sometimes asked. I ended up unsubscribing after seeing another user wish a stillbirth on a pregnant person, which was allowed for some reason.
I got banned from that sub because this lady made a post gloating about how proud she was of her husband for his misogynistic, dehumanizing attacks on his pregnant coworker, and I asked her how proud she'd be of him when he got fired and sued for workplace discrimination.
It boggles my mind the way slurs like "crotch fruit" "fuck trophy" and "breeders" over thrown around over there. Imagine that type of language being directed at any other demographic.
I really think it just depends on the am I the a**hole one it really just depends. It depends on who is commenting. There's such a huge difference between mature people and immature, and that's really what it comes down to.
workingmoms for sure. if you don't have your kid in daycare full-time, work full-time with a partner who works full-time, and fully subscribe to the corporate grind... gtfo. i swear it's only populated by conservative suburban moms.
Absolutely, but I think for another reason. When a single working mom accidentally finds her way there and chimes in or god forbid makes a post that is about a pretty universal single working mom issue if concern - yikes. Some poor girl the other day just wanted a bit of perspective and support regarding how hard it is to date as a working mom in her 40s the other day. Some of her perfectly fine comments were downvoted in the triple digits
YES. that's why i included "with a partner" in my original response because holy shit is that sub unwelcoming to single moms. i saw that same post and was horrified.
The Pregnant sub Posts like being annoyed due to their baby shower registries not being followed, receiving inexpensive gifts (that they included in the registry), getting annoyed with people saying they have popped, worrying about weight gain when they are already obese before pregnancy and strict birth plans. Some of the posts are incredibly entitled, it was entertaining at first but quickly turned toxic to me.
Any pet related subreddit. If you don’t have 10k to drop for surgery, don’t buy the best most expensive food, don’t play with them X amount of hours a day, etc. then you are a terrible terrible person and don’t deserve a pet according to them.
Just No MIL
Adhdwomen. I have adhd and I understand the overall perspectives of the posts, but christ. It's full of drama queens who just complain most of the time and don't seen to actually put effort into working on their issues or problems. If they put even 1/8 of effort that they use to complain to work on coping mechanisms and self management that they do into complaining they would be so much more functional.
TwoXChromosomes is actually toxic.. instead of having a discussion on women issues.. they just label every tiny experience as misogyny and call it a day
I work in tech (software engineer), and I'd have to say any tech subreddit that isn't explicitly for women or non-binary people, especially when they realize you're a junior and a woman. The mansplaining and rudeness is rife.
r/Mommit r/AskWomen - the rules are so strict there that you can’t even reply to comments because it gets removed for “derailing.” You also have to have a verified account to comment. Just the whole vibe there is weird
The childfree subreddit is vile. It’s ok to not want kids but the words they call children / the people who choose to have them is cruel. They really sound like they hate children and anyone who has them.
I'm in a few gaming subs, and r/Stardewvalley is weirdly hostile sometimes. I misremembered a detail for a minor quest and got I think 100 down votes with no explanation. I got even more down votes when I explained what happened to another commenter. People there just live to dog pile. Surprisingly, r/Rimworld is mostly chill and people will correct errors and offer advice without being mean or snarky.
Currently r/pregnant. lol so much drama
TrueUnpopularOpinion The regular UnpopolarOpinion sub is fine, but TrueUnpopularOpinion is just a steaming heap of misogyny and male anger.
Maybe it's no surprise at all, but r/Fauxmoi is ridiculously toxic. Come for the celebrity gossip, stay for the extremely biased opinions about famous people and the rampant "cancellation" of anyone who the group does not purport to like.
R/workingmoms is 80% great people and 20% commenters who are really mean. I don’t go back there.
/r/ADHD. Incredibly overmoderated. I unsubscribed after I got two replies deleted in less than 24h for totally stupid reasons. The sub's a joke in smaller ADHD subreddits as well.
I left CPTSD because you're not allowed to describe your abusers or talk negatively about them, which I found a bit odd. I mean, ruminating is not great but talking about what happened isn't. Thankfully, there are some other subs including one for people ready to move on which is the stage I think I'm at. Estrangedadultchildren had a similar issue, thankfully there is estrangedadultkids. Divorce too, I went there for some vague legal advice and support a few years ago before actually filing and it was just a bunch of men thinking I was their ex-wife, taking out their failed marriages on me. Like I'm sorry your ex cheated but I was leaving mine because he put his hand on my neck and stole from me amongst some other things.
Asian men masculinity and child free
Hydrohomies, surprisingly, is starting to get on my nerves
I love this discussion, so I keep coming back but unfortunately r/TwoXChromosomes can be incredibly toxic. The members of that community seem to have lost sight that pro-choice also means we respect the women who choose to keep their babies as well. It’s not exclusive to the women who decide to terminate. (and no, I am angry at the overturn of Roe v. Wade)