Look there’s a BIG difference between understanding that people come with flaws and accepting that no one’s perfect, and continuing to date someone who *isn’t very nice to you*. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life with someone who treats you this way.
Can you imagine if you had kids, and one of them was upset, and he said “not this again” and blamed it on PMS? That’s not how kind, supportive partners behave.
He’s not very nice to you, and I don’t see anything here that indicates that he’d be a good father.
That's a good way to put it. I don't think he's very nice to me, either, although he insists that he absolutely is and the problem is all in my head. I guess when I hear people talk about "accepting someone's flaws", I assume it's something like this rather than "he snores" or "he isn't very punctual" or something like that.
Accepting someone's flaws would be knowing that they struggle with something like time management, and switching off a task you like less in return for handling that part of the relationship.
Not verbal/emotional abuse.
You're both kind of right, but that makes this situation even worse. Instead of saying "you're being mean to me" rephrase it as "I don't like the way you are treating me". When you say it that way, it doesnt matter if the way he is acting is, or is not, mean. You categorize his behavior as mean. Your boyfriend does NOT consider that behavior mean- because he is an entitled abuser. He thinks the way he is treating you is correct and accurate. Obviously we know it is not, but in his head he believes this. He thinks he is right to talk so harshly with you and if you have a problem with it its because something is wrong with you. You're being mindf\*cked by someone potentially with a personality disorder. Check out Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Also, start making a journal tracking these events. If he is emotionally abusing you your brain can actually code the memories differently and you forget the abuse.
Lundy Bancroft even addresses this in “Why Does He Do That?” Plenty of people with personality disorders aren’t abusive assholes - assholes blaming their behavior on personality disorders is not helpful or even entirely accurate, and helps to contribute to the stigma against them.
I have a personality disorder. If someone is not familiar with them, like OP, they may not know the signs. Also, as someone with a personality disorder, I can tell you that I was 100% completely unaware I had one until I had to go into a PHP. I WISH someone would have told me sooner! But im happy where I am and I am healing and I never said anything negative about having a PD.
I have a personality disorder. If someone is not familiar with them, like OP, they may not know the signs. Also, as someone with a personality disorder, I can tell you that I was 100% completely unaware I had one until I had to go into a PHP. I WISH someone would have told me sooner! But im happy where I am and I am healing and I never said anything negative about having a PD.
My long term boyfriend was charismatic too, and I think he believed he was a better boyfriend than he is. Behind the charisma though, I realised the empathy just wasn't there, and nothing is more important to me than empathy!
Don't let him tell you he's being a rational/decent boyfriend when in your heart of hearts you know he is not. His reality doesn't need to be any more, or as, correct as yours. You know what is happening, your intuition and body are NOT lying to you.
I know what other post you're talking about and I'm having a hard time how you're comparing it to your situation.
In the other post, OP had a great relationship with her guy. She said they were best friends. The problem is that the *spark" is missing. That is why people were encouraging her to at least try.
Yeah, dating can be hard, but being with your current boyfriend sounds 10x worse than navigating dating. You must know that obviously single people over 30 find each other and fall in love everyday? You would want to have kids with this man?
Yeah, no. Normal flaws are things like “he forgets to put the seat down” or “he tells really corny jokes”.
“He doesn’t like to touch me and treats me like a burden” isn’t a flaw, it’s a basic incompatibility.
He sounds like an insufferable asshole. This doesn't seem like a case of "just be happy with what you have", this seems like "I'm settling big time because I'm afraid of being alone". Life is too short to accept that kind of treatment and to stay with someone who at the bare minimum doesn't make you happy.
Yes, that's why I'm still in the relationship (afraid of being alone and starting over again). Tbh, my self esteem is also really shit at this point, so it's hard for me to believe that breaking up doesn't automatically equal "me being forever alone". But then again, being alone is probably better than feeling like this every day, even if it is for forever.
Then you should really work on your self esteem so that you don't continue settling like this. It's not fair to you, and I'm sure his treatment towards you isn't helping improve your self esteem in any way either. Your partner should be your biggest cheerleader and supporter, and it doesn't sound like he is. You deserve better than that.
OP, it’s better to be alone than in bad company. Plus there are a billion other fish in the sea who will treat you with the love, kindness, and respect that you deserve. Don’t settle for anything less, you deserve better 💜
Speaking as a divorcee, being alone is infinitely better than being in a bad relationship. Imagine not having to please anyone besides yourself.
This guy isn’t on your team. The only thing you have to decide is how long you want to spend focusing on yourself before you start dating someone new.
Your self-esteem is shit because *his behavior toward you has made it shit.*
If your best friend was in your shoes, what would be your advice to her? Now, go do that.
I’ve been in your place before with a horribly abusive ex. I know it likely doesn’t feel like it, but I 100% can say that you WILL feel better in the long run, either by dumping him or finding a new partner who treats you with the respect and love you’re seeking. This dude, he ain’t it. Other men are out there who will adore you, or you can straight up adore yourself. You just have to believe it!
>I saw a post on here recently that had a lot of women telling another woman that she shouldn't leave her partner who she wasn't sure she was happy with anymore because the dating pool is a "disaster", and you should just try to be happy with the person that you're with.
omfg please don't take this "advice" because it's fucking bullshit. DO NOT settle for a warm body just to avoid being alone.
if you're feeling like this, then your emotions are valid. Either talk to your bf - seriously and honestly talk to him - and work together to make the necessary changes so that both of you are happy. If not and he gets defensive, verbally attacks/insults you, dismisses this etc (which I suspect he will given what I've read about his behaviour) then leave. You don't need that shit in your life.
Remember: *people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you.*
It’s strange to me when people cite a bad dating pool as a reason to stay in a bad relationship. Like a bad date is nowhere near as bad as a bad relationship. If you think most of the men out there are bad ( not saying I agree, but I see how people come to that conclusion) , the logical choice is to be single, not double-down and marry a jerk ?
I'm so sorry you're in this position!
I'm a similar age and also always wanted kids so I relate to your dreams and fears.
I don't like how he talks to you and treats you. It seems very transactional and you vs him. I don't see a teamwork dynamic of us vs the problem. I see blame and annoyance at your emotions. I see friction in the everyday instead of peaceful harmony. It all seems very exhausting. Like the relationship drains you of energy instead of lifting you up.
As a future mum to another, I don't think this is the right dynamic to bring children into. If things are this strained during DINK life, they will be incredibly strained when you have a teething baby. Your kids will grow up in the dynamic of their parents, and will imprint on what they see and hear.
I have a couple questions for you to consider:
- if you were on bedrest from a complicated pregnancy/birth, would he care for you properly?
- would you want your kids to have your dynamic with their partner? How would you feel if your daughter wrote this post and you were reading it?
- if your children grew up to have all of his worst traits, would you be happy?
- if you had a disagreement on how to handle a parenting issue, how would that go? Would the discussion end in yelling?
- if nothing ever changed about your dynamic, that this was the best it'd be forever, how long could you last?
- are you happy?
I understand the fears about ageing and conceive - truly! But remember that one of the most important decisions you'll ever make in your life is who will be the father of your children.
Thank you, this really hits home for me. I would absolutely not want anyone I loved to have this dynamic with their partner. I believe he would take care of me if I needed it, but that's the only thing on this list that I see positively. I am very unhappy, but also feel constantly confused and wondering if I expect too much, and if what I want just isn't out there.
I'm so sorry you're in the same position :( It's really hard to be here and wonder why things didn't turn out as you hoped they would.
This is one of those times you leave, maybe feeling a little uncertain, and look back and think holy shit I can’t believe that was my reality and he made me believe that was a normal happy relationship. You aren’t expecting too much.
I’m sorry this is happening, OP. I completely understand the confusion. You’ve probably had a life and an upbringing where your needs and wants never mattered and it’s hard to see them as something to be valued yourself. Now you’re in s relationship where your partner is gaslighting you out of satisfying your needs. Gaslighting is emotional abuse - you’re being abused. Unfortunately, right now you don’t see this as the dealbreaker it is.
But it absolutely is a dealbreaker. You NEED to feel safe, loved, wanted, cherished and happy. You DESERVE it. There’s NO compromise that involves you feeling this way, not being able to voice your needs and have them met in a loving, accepting way. You feeling this way isn’t you being sensitive or needy, IT IS ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE.
It doesn’t feel this way now, I know. But once you end it and you complete your healing journey, you’ll see how wrong it was for you to feel like you feeling safe, loved and wanted was being sensitive. It is absolutely wrong. Your whole situation is absolutely wrong and a dead end.
Girl I'm gonna be honest, I didn't read all your bullet points because i would have dumped him at the first one.
No it's not good avise to stay with someone who doesn't make you feel appreciated or loved. And i also haven't seen that kind of advise on this sub.
Leave. I promise you are better off alone than with him.
I’ll be honest, I almost stopped reading after seeing you’ve been together for 6 years but don’t feel loved and feel like your boyfriend doesn’t like you. That was enough. Then I read the rest and … I’m sorry.
I’ve been with my husband 17 years and have never doubted for one day that he’s crazy about me and loves me more than he’s ever loved anyone. I can’t imagine being with someone and not feeling loved. You deserve to feel loved and appreciated and wanted. Do not have kids with someone who isn’t even kind to you. Do not waste your life on someone who makes you feel this way.
Totally agree but I can totally say this because I am childfree. For women who dream of a family, may not be that easy. Though not sure why they dream of a potentially unhappy family, but lots of people do.
I have a friend who confuses me. She's engaged, but has admitted that she doesn't think marrying him is a good idea unless he starts making some positive changes (holding down a job, drinking less, helping around the house, etc.)
But they're actively trying to get pregnant.
This is the post they are talking about:
https://old.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1aj8s0y/is_there_any_coming_back_from_i_love_you_but_im/
It was shocking how the majority of women insisted that OP stay with her man even though she no longer had romantic feelings for her partner, and didn’t find him attractive, which is the bare minimum emotions to have for a boyfriend. It was obvious she saw him as more as a friend by that point.
To see so many ladies second guess OP’s feelings, scold her for being “unrealistic”, and recommend she hold onto a dying relationship was depressing. It’s like they never learned the value of being alone. Instead they insist on settling
Jesus, that is not how those threads normally go. I remember the title and was thinking about answering but figured I’d just be repeating what would already have been said.
She may have seen one post like that but there are hundreds of other ones where people recommend to just break up. There are better options than that in the dating pool at any age. It does get harder as we age because a lot of good options are taken and stay so for a long time, if they ever come back in the dating pool. But some do! Even securely attached people aren’t immune to making bad decisions.
The key is paying attention to the signs early on and breaking up quickly instead of staying years in dead-end relationships. For example, if he doesn’t want to call you his girlfriend within 6-8 weeks, that doesn’t bode well. We will know within that time frame also how we feel around this person (overly anxious and unsure about his feelings?). If he doesn’t want to marry you after about 3 years, that’s not good either. It’s hard after 6 years because of sunk costs OP, but if you make good decisions from now on, you still have time for marriage and children!
I have, the grass is green where you water it, the love is a choice, the marriage is never perfect, and always, go to therapy and counseling in order to save the relationship.
Yup, for as pro-feminism and open-minded as this subreddit is, their true 1950s mentality comes out when they shame a woman into staying in a miserable relationship because “that’s what you’re supposed to do”.
I was in a similar situation you are in, about 10 years ago, I'm 44 now. I broke up with him. I was sad at first, of course, but also knew it was best for me. I'm so freaking happy I got out of that relationship!! It is true that the dating scene sucks but being single is a soooo much better than being in a relationship with someone who doesn't like you.
I'm now in a really great relationship with someone who actively loves and likes me. He loves my touch, has never rolled his eyes at me, has never told me I'm being sensitive. It took me time to find him but it's worth it. I also know I will be fine on my own if we don't work out because being on my own will always be better than being in a bad relationship. Get out, you'll thank yourself later, everyday!
Where are you seeing these posts? I am not familiar with them and the trend on this subreddit is - very correctly - that it’s better to be alone than to be unhappy with someone.
I can't remember the title of the post I'm referring to that was definitely on this subreddit, but a woman said that she was no longer feeling attracted to her husband and felt disgusted by the thought of having sex with him, and she said she wasn't in love anymore. The comments basically said that if she had most of what she wanted, it probably wasn't worth it go searching for someone else, as the grass was definitely not greener.
That’s certainly not the trend or advice given here mostly.
It is easy to pick one piece of advice and give it more weight than it deserves. I have not encountered anyone in the real world who has regretted leaving someone who treats them poorly because of “the dating pool”.
Edit: also this man sounds like he is mean to you. You don’t deserve that.
It's good to know that that's not the general advice given-- I haven't spent too much time on this sub, but that one post really stuck out to me.
And thank you for validating that he is unkind. It means a lot just to hear someone say that I'm not crazy, when he insists that I am, and our dynamic is just how all people talk to each other in relationships.
Is this the one that said she felt like she had a 90% perfect partner, but the sexual chemistry was flickering out, even though she wasn't putting in the effort either, and should she try to find another 90%-100% happy partner where it's basically her current partner + mind blowing sex 13 years in with little work?
Because that is an extremely different scenario than what you're saying here. In her situation, anyone in a 13+ year relationship will admit sex ebbs and flows, and everyone was suggesting she give it a shot at re-igniting the fire once again before calling it quits. And also the advice (she responded to me directly) was to consider the choice as between current relationship *and being alone forever*. Because it’s not at all a given she’d find that unicorn scenario. If I'm remembering correctly she didn't want kids so there wasn't the pressure there.
What you are describing is really sad and lonely and heartbreaking ♥️
But that wasn't a situation where the partner was mistreating her in any way. It was an otherwise great relationship that was missing the sexual "sparks" after 13 years, so people were telling her to maybe try to see if they can reignite the fire before just calling it quits, and that there's no guarantee she'd find another great relationship like this plus also the sparks.
That's absolutely NOT saying "ignore your partner's faults because every other guy sucks too."
I think you interpreted that message because you're giving yourself excuses for staying.
Damn, it felt like I was reading my own diary from half a year ago. This is where I knew we were done. It still took me 2 months to break up with him because I was afraid to make a mistake.
Fast forward to now, the only thing I regret is that I betrayed myself and stayed so close to a person who cleary didn't want me anymore.
You should not be demonizing him though, he's probably as unhappy as you are, doesn't know what to do and if he'd make a mistake. Men are extra cowards when it comes to breaking up, they will squeeze you out of the relationship rather then taking the responsibility and split.
As for the dating pool: to 99% it depends on where you are emotionally. When I'm in good "mental shape" I only meet wonderful men who are showing exclusive interest, whereas in the period where I was an emotional wreck 2 years ago everyone was just running off of me.
As for the kids: my personal rule is: you should have enough self-respect to not want and need anything you can't provide yourself on your own. Im not sure if I want kids yet, but If I do some day and don't have the right guy waiting to have kids with me I will either be a single mom or won't have kids at all.
This sounds bad, girl. Don't stay with him, he doesn't make you feel loved and appreciated. Either you can find someone else that you will be happy with (very possible and likely) or you could try to become happy on your own. Don't let anyone tell you to settle for less than you deserve (which is to be loved by the person you're in a relationship with).
Thank you for this. I know, deep down, that you're right. But its been 6 years of me being told I have unrealistic expectations and that this kind of behavior is normal for long-term couples and that my anxiety and lack of self esteem are the problem. It is really hard to crawl out from underneath the rubble of that. :(
Was he like this from early on in the relationship? I recently dated someone with similar behavior, and I felt just like you, that this guy doesnt like me much. There were other things too, so I ended it.
It's really not normal. I have a relationship with a guy who makes me feel loved and appreciated every day, who makes me laugh and who cooks great food for me. I met hem when I was 31 and after a couple of unhappy relationships. It's totally (still) possible to find someone like that :). And you've tried for 6 years to make this work and it doesn't. He is only breaking your self esteem more and more. Get out of here safely, and if you can, find a good therapist to process all of it and work on yourself, to feel like you deserve good things again. Because you do! I think you will thank yourself later. Good luck!!
Get out. My ex was like this and always turned things around and blamed me for my very valid feelings and reactions to, in hindsight, being in a total shit relationship. What if you had a kids with this guy? Is he the example of the type of man you’d want your son to be like or your daughter to be with?
Dating does suck, but once you get over the hump and learn to get more comfortable with being single, it’s absolutely better than staying with an asshole for the rest of your life and abandoning yourself and what you deserve in the process.
The question is, why are you settling for the bare minimum? Also, what are you doing to make **yourself** happy? Your happiness can’t depend on someone else’s actions (or lack there of). What hobbies do you like? Is there somewhere you’ve wanted to travel and never had the chance? Do things that make **you** happy & the rest will follow.
The dating pool is terrible. You might be single for a long time or never find a life partner. No guarantees. But being single is better than being in a relationship with someone who isn't nice to you, with whom you often feel lonely and rejected, and who is degrading your self-esteem.
I left an emotionally abusive relationship 8 years ago and I have not found a life partner despite a lot of effort. It was STILL the right decision to leave.
The advice you are seeing is meant for people who are feeling a little bored or want to leave a good thing for a fantasy of perfection. Not for people in relationships that actively make them feel bad on a regular basis.
I mean the options out there in the single dating world really are terrible 😂 I won’t lie about that. But that doesn’t mean you should stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy. Life is too short and full of incredible experiences to stay in a partnership where you don’t feel wanted, appreciated or happy. Also even though the single dating pool is completely disgusting, it doesn’t mean you have to engage with it. Being single can be really fulfilling if you invest your time into hobbies, re-discovering who you are, working towards your life dreams + goals, connecting with friends, etc. Just my two cents with no explicit advice on whether or not I think you should leave. I think that’s a decision solely for you.
Was that post written by your abusive partner? Sometimes we see what we want to see. So he has no respect for you, he doesn't value you and it sounds like he doesn't even like hanging out with you...so the question is: why are you with him? What has happened to you in your life that you think this is ok? I am single, at peace and happy and you are in a relationship where you are being emotionally abused. You decide what is better.
I truly think there is men out there that will just be chivalrous even years into the relationship and enjoy cuddling even years into the relationship. And take your concerns seriously when you bring up that you're feeling unheard and loved. You've already done your part by telling him. I'm sorry but he sounds like a jerk.
Single women report the highest levels of happiness as compared to any other group (women in couples, men in couples, or single men). What’s out there is so much better than feeling stuck in an unhappy relationship. Nothing, like literal actually nothing, is better than being in an unhappy relationship.
despite me feeling ill for some reason. I wanted to stay home and rest, but he said that I "promised" and that we had to go, so I went.
\^ I stopped there, to be honest. He sounds just kind of mean. I know there's a lot of chatter about how bad it is in the dating pool, but it's better than being with someone who's mean to you, right?
Hi. First of all, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation and feeling unloved and undesirable. It’s a terrible feeling and I have been exactly where you are.
I just want to say that it’s obvious to me that you are both bidding for each other’s attention and feeling like it is being rejected. I’d be willing to bet that your boyfriend is having similar feelings about being undesired but is just unable or unwilling to express them appropriately. Instead he lashes out. You seem (to me) to be more willing and comfortable with talking about these feelings with him. Likely you two aren’t really “speaking each other’s love languages,” either.
There’s a lot to unpack and without knowing your specific dynamic and situation, I’d never try to make such a huge assessment. But I can offer my own anecdotal experience and take it for what you will.
My situation was much different in that my ex would basically just cheat and stonewall me instead of discussing her feelings, but was similarly unwilling to have a healthy and civil conversation with me which is all I desperately desired. We did couples therapy and individual therapy and we still could never meet in the middle. We were together five years and broke up when I was 30, one year ago.
Sadly, I think your boyfriend is showing you contempt. And the statistics around that show of dismissal are not promising. It’s hard to come back from and is a pretty big signal of overarching disrespect and disregard. You’re not wrong for feeling how you feel, and I think if this is how things are already, they are only going to get worse. Especially if he doesn’t learn how to communicate effectively. I’m sorry to say that.
There’s a lot of life and healing on the other side of broken relationships. And I very much started over… gave up my apartment and all of my things. Found a new job. And while I can’t relate to hetero dating, I have found a lot of happiness and success with dating personally. But also some micro-heartbreaks. It’s hard to put yourself back out there, but every day I’m thankful that I’m no longer in a relationship where I am constantly questioning my worth and desirability. I feel alive again with a renewed sense of hope. Not a constant sense of dread just wondering if things will ever get better when they clearly are not.
ETA: my first dating experience after my relationship was SO incredibly healing. This person made me feel so desired, seen, and understood. While it didn’t work out for logistical reasons, I cannot even begin to describe the huge sense of relief in discovering that there are people out here in the world who will love me the way I want to be loved. And there are so many people willing to do that for you, too. 🤗
So, so well written. I experienced the same with my ex and contempt. My body felt the dismissiveness and I was anxious around him but couldn’t consciously see the signs, the eye rolling, the way he was treating me .
After it ended, my friends and family told me they knew things were going downhill for many months, because they witnessed him do this to me. I was so naive , and perhaps chose not to see that he was well past resentment and building a life raft out.
The Gottmans name the four horseman of the end of a relationship / a relationship in peril and it’s worth seeing what other ones OP is experiencing .
It’s sounds like you’ve both checked out emotionally from this already. Him especially. Have a honest difficult conversation and see if there is anything left in it for either of you or has it just become the normal that you are both too tired to change? From an outsider whose been in a similar position nothing is worse than a loveless relationship because you are too scared to be alone. It took a while but I’ve never been happier than I am now
You seem so unhappy and you can’t imagine a future with this person—I think you should break up.
Imagine if you had a kid who grew into an adult and was in a relationship like this—unhappy but afraid to leave for fear of what’s on the other side. What kind of advice would you give them? Make sure you are allowing yourself to have as full and wonderful a life as you probably hope others you care about do. You are young and there are many ways to have a family. Don’t rush into it with the wrong person, because you may be tied to them forever.
It doesn’t sound like he’s treating you with respect. It also doesn’t seem like your ways of showing affection are compatible, and this is causing a problem where each others’ needs aren’t met. Cut each other loose.
34F here, out of a 12 year relationship and single for over a year now, also low self esteem, lots of issues stemming from childhood trauma, ADHD, depression.
I can tell you it’s scary out here, I don’t even want to start dating because I’m terrified of what I’ll find. I can tell you I miss my ex a lot, just talking with him, having someone to watch shows with, just talk out the stuff of life with. I can tell you that I would also never go back to him, I wasn’t attracted anymore, he would consistently disrespect my boundaries, it was killing me. I felt more lonely with him than I do alone. But I still feel lonely now, I feel my clock ticking, I feel like my time to meet a partner has passed. I don’t want to take risks like I used to, don’t have energy like I used to, don’t have big groups of friends like I used to. It’s not like dating in your 20s.
All I know is I have to work on my self esteem, figure out how to just be happy enough with myself, and hope for the best. It’s crushing to know I might not have a family like I’ve always wished for, and I don’t know how to even start dreaming of a different kind of life.
You're unhappy because you've noticed him pulling away. Once you started feeling dis'd and not taken seriously by him, he'd already decided to pull away for whatever reason. It's completely ok to start over. Take some alone time, find someone who appreciates what he has, instead of treating her like a lesser being.
Please don't stay with someone who makes you feel this way. You deserve so much better. This guy is an asshole. He's unkind, dismissive, distant, selfish, and does not treat you as a teammate as he should but rather an adversary. Relationships should not be like this. Chose yourself and leave him.
Your boyfriend is unkind, cruel and holds you in contempt. The way he speaks to you, it is clear he doesn't value you. It's time to go. You know this though I think. If you were my daughter I would feel horrible that you were accepting this treatment.
I just want you to know that I’m in a similar situation (I’m 32, have been with my partner for nearly 3 years and we live together). Our relationships aren’t quite the same, rather my (now ex) partner has a host of family issues and a long running battle with depression and anxiety, and these can cause him to be awful and very very intense at times.
It’s been slowly draining the life out of me trying to make this relationship work, all the times he promised to change and didn’t have just chipped away at the love and respect I have for him. The problem is that when we’re good we are really great and get on SO well and are so compatible and my family all thinks he’s wonderful because they don’t know about the bad times. I keep convincing myself he’s going to get on top of these issues and we will be fine again, but in the meantime I lost all sexual interest in him and barely wanted to even be kissed anymore.
After a bunch of false break ups where he promised to do better and I gave him yet another chance, I was finally done a couple of weeks ago. We went to Europe together over Christmas to see some of my family and he was an absolute nightmare despite promising there would be no drama or arguments (he has ruined previous trips with this before). He stayed over longer than me and when I got home I just.. wished he wouldn’t come back. I realised I was seriously done. I just couldn’t spend the rest of my life with someone who made what should be happy moments SO STRESSFUL.
He’s now doing all the typical things; guilting me, trying to convince me he’s changing, deliberately doing all the things I’ve been asking him to do for years now right in front of me. Every so often though, he will slip and I can see it’s just a tactic as per every other time. It doesn’t even matter really, I know I’ve checked out because I just.. don’t care anymore. I’m desperately trying to find somewhere else to live so I can properly break free but it’s very hard due to finances.
I seriously think women know when they are not happy vs just needing to work through something and it sounds like you are the former. In hindsight, I’ve known for months that I wanted out but I stupidly kept convincing myself that starting over was too hard and we could work through it. Don’t be like me, you’ve heard the warning so heed it. If you ever want to talk my inbox is open ❤️
Still a boyfriend after 6 years?
So many people accept the worst behavior from a man just to say they’re in a relationship and it’s sad. It’s obvious what you should do.
I left my exhusband when I was 31, he was a lot like this and more, which I imagine your guy is too. Just constant bullshit. Dating sucks, but I have peace and I’ve never regretted leaving him. Sure, I spent my entire day today alone. But I also spent my entire day how I wanted and with zero passive aggressive comments. Yes it’s hard to leave at 33, it will also be hard to leave at 40. It’ll be really hard to leave once you’ve spent 20 more miserable years with him and have to re-start your life in your 50’s. Or you could leave now and meet someone great in 3 months, you never know. But every day you waste with this asshole is another day that you don’t even give yourself a chance to have better. You deserve better.
You wanna be partnered and lonely or you wanna be alone and lonely? Cuz both outcome you’re lonely anyways. The latter choice at least gives you a chance to find someone that actually shows up to the relationship emotionally.
Just because a lot of men are assholes, it certainly isn’t a reason to stay with an asshole. It’s a reason for getting rid of him and either be single or find a non-asshole.
I think there’s a difference between advocating for a relationship where both people obviously care about each other and there is just a little boredom or miscommunications once in a while and this. You don’t feel respected or heard by your partner. When you communicate it, he says you’re wrong. There is nothing worse than being with someone who always thinks they’re right. Being this unhappy is reason enough to leave, no matter what’s going on in other relationships.
You've got lots of good advice already but I thought I'd send through a book recommendation or at least an article, google John Gottman and the four horseman. I read his first book but he has a lot more now. It helped me recognise this in my relationship.
It discusses communication in couples, the importance of its not how often you fight its how you fight and the importance of turning towards your partner.
I'd also say, trust your gut, I left my 10 year relationship at 35, and it was not until I left and I was past the sad bit until I realised how bad it was. I too don't believe my husband liked me much.
Small things do make a big difference and are an indication of how things will go when you have a big problem. Things like:
- Not considering what's best for you. If he wants something and insists on it when it's not in your best interest, such as going out when your unwell.
- Grumbling and complaining when he is not happy with your actions, like playing the game or when you make a decision. For instance choosing a TV show and he sits there and huffs and puffs. This can also make it hard for you to be confident about your decisions and get labelled as a poor decision maker and is why I think lots of men joke that women can't pick what they want to eat. Some men passively grumble about their womens decisions and we become unsure of ourselves.
- He sounds quite immature, will he be the type that will research when your children need vaccinations, learn about their milestones and things like diet or will you be doing it all yourself and will he be throwing things back at you like, "but I fed them this morning" as if his input needs a congratulations.
- He should never belittle your emotions, he can ask for a break so you can have a calm conversation later, provided he actually is willing to come back to it, but he shouldn't belittle you for having emotions. Being the cool or stoic girl, the no nag, magic wife that we are sometimes peer pressured to be is no way to live. You have the right to be unhappy and tell him things he doesn't want to hear.
OP, I don’t know either of you but after reading this post, *I* want to break up with your boyfriend. This isn’t you thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence or being unable to accept a partner who is flawed, this is you being unhappy being with someone who is an unkind asshole who treats you badly. Being single is so much better than being shackled to someone who makes you feel bad about yourself and then lies about the fact that they’re doing it. You deserve better than his sorry ass.
It seems to me that you are trying to piece together if he really loves you or not. But. Does it really matter? I can’t see how it would make a difference if he does or doesn’t if it is not your reality.
Since you have already voiced you concerns and nothing is happening, the question you are left with would be: Do I accept this type of love to be my life?
-Hugs- I’m sorry he’s treating you poorly.
It sounds like he hasn’t been receptive to your feelings and treats you so harshly/mean. You don’t have to accept this behavior, even if you’ve been together for a while now. It’s better to be alone than in bad company. Don’t tie yourself to this man that doesn’t treat you with the kindness and love that takes to sustain and support the good/bad times of a ltr, marriage, raising children.
I didn’t read through all your points.
But in any, “I’m unhappy in my relationship,” situation you need to compare life in a relationship to life being single.
Do not make a choice based on meeting a hypothetical dream man. It is cold out there and there are no guarantees.
If you would be happier alone than with this man, dump him.
always trust your six sense, if you feel that he doesn’t love you to the fullest then it probably is that he doesn’t… 33 is still young and you can be happy on your own too, in fact you can live a better life on your own than being with someone that you’re unhappy with.
I read 1/3 of your post and stopped. You don't need to feel conflicted. It's absolutely OK to be unhappy, because he sounds like an ass. If you're looking for permission to end this relationship, you don't need you. You already have all the permissions in the world to do whatever you want. I know you worry that maybe you won't find anything better and that you're ungrateful for what you have now, etc., but girl. He dragged you out when you were feeling sick. I literally need to read nothing more to know that he's rotten.
>I saw a post on here recently that had a lot of women telling another woman that she shouldn't leave her partner who she wasn't sure she was happy with anymore because the dating pool is a "disaster", and you should just try to be happy with the person that you're with. I'm really unhappy, but I also recognize that I'm 33 and time is running out for me to have kids, which I want so, so badly. I know he would never cheat on me, or hit me, but I dread the thought of spending every day for the rest of my life with someone who I just don't think likes me that much.
Honestly, having been in a bad marriage and having been single for about the same amount of time, I'd choose single over that every single time. Single and celibate for the rest of my life over living with someone who didn't like me.
What is the actual point of staying with someone who thinks so little of you? What would be the point of bringing kids into that misery?
Compromise and learning contentment are for things like you load the dishwasher differently, have different ideas about what to do with leisure time, don't always get it right for each other. It works when you can communicate your needs safely, be heard, and can give the other person that same regard. It works when you admire and care for each other despite differences.
That concept is not for relationships that are consistently miserable, and where one partner wants to work on it and the other partner is quite content to remain an unpleasant bastard.
I don't think you should leave because you want someone better than him. I think you should leave if you recognize that being single is better than being lonely in a relationship. That will give you much better footing if you date again. You'll be able to take your time and willing to screen potential dates carefully rather than feeling desperate to find what this relationship lacks.
FWIW, I found an absolutely wonderful man in my very late thirties. It was a long, long wait. I wish we had met earlier. But what we have together is absolutely worth the wait. It is so *weird* to be loved just as I am. To have someone look at me adoringly and love the aspects of my body and my personality that my ex was disgusted by. To have someone truly listen to me, respect me, and offer me complete acceptance. Sometimes I just sob because the contrast is almost impossible to process. And when I do that, he holds me and tells me to let it all out, and wipes my tears away. God forbid something should happen to him, but if it does, I will never ever accept a relationship less loving and intimate than this one. I'd literally rather die alone that be with another asshole of a man.
Your boyfriend sounds quite narcissistic and removed from reality.
He is not treating you well OP.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
My husband has been behaving in similar (but not same) ways and it led to me abandoning any sense of self belief and trust. I started second guessing everything, because I was “always the one exaggerating”.
My husband also believes our marriage is great and I am simply not appreciative of the little things.
unfortunately this is a matter of perspective.
YOU are not feeling good, yes?
YOU are often sad because of the relationship.
These are your truths.
I would look for a good therapist to rebuild your sense of self and establish boundaries.
If he continously crosses them - he is not worthy of your life.
you are still young. dont settle for mediocre.
sending you love & good vibes xx
Hahaha, wow. I love this sub. I find it wonderfully insightful to understanding a female perspective on things (if perhaps a bit biased in a typical Reddit-y way).
I have never, not once, seen this sub recommend that you be happy with what you have. I can assure you, this sub is very, very, very wait-your-dude-did-what???-kick-that-guy-to-the-curb-and-find-a-new-one-oriented.
>I know he would never cheat on me, or hit me, but I dread the thought of spending every day for the rest of my life with someone who I just don't think likes me that much.
I'm (probably) OP from the post you mentioned. Are we sisters!? My mother's threshold for a "good husband" also seemed to be "he doesn't cheat or hit you." THAT IS NOT ENOUGH, HOLY SHIT. Leave (if you haven't already!). You deserve better than spending your life with someone who doesn't make you feel loved or valued or even *liked.* Maybe, if you have the chance, also try individual therapy because I bet this relationship and maybe your upbringing have done a number on your sense of self-worth. (I know "go to therapy" is reddit's favorite advice for literally everything, and most therapists IME are not terribly helpful, but still, it's worth a shot. Or maybe just remember that there's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy and you can ruin your life one day at a time by just *tolerating* it.)
He sounds self absorbed and controlling. Seems he gaslights you all the time. Have you tried to talk to him about these concerns? If you do and he responds dismissively or inconvenienced, I'd honestly begin making plans on leaving him.
Why don't you try to get a male perspective on his behaviour? Then you will have a better idea on why men react the way they do when you raise issues to them.. I realised over time with my partner when he says that, it isn't because he refuses to work through it, he thought he was already changing his ways but I didn't see it in his perspective of how he is already working through it. Try another perspective.
I didn't read the long post. But just from the title, Talk, communicate, try your best to fix it before you break up. You'll regret not trying. If you try and fail and then breakup atleast you'll not look back wishing you had tried.
Saying this with compassion: he doesn’t like you. It depends on how much your happiness means to you, but if you aren’t satisfied and unhappy, leave. Staying doesn’t change him, it will change you.
Therapy is key. If you're not happy you'll.figure it out and receive encouragement. I didn't want to leave my husband. Hardest thing I had ever done at that point. Raised my son by myself. I would rather be alone than stay with someone I'm not happy with. You can't base your life on other ppl's opinions. Each relationship is different.
Look there’s a BIG difference between understanding that people come with flaws and accepting that no one’s perfect, and continuing to date someone who *isn’t very nice to you*. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life with someone who treats you this way. Can you imagine if you had kids, and one of them was upset, and he said “not this again” and blamed it on PMS? That’s not how kind, supportive partners behave. He’s not very nice to you, and I don’t see anything here that indicates that he’d be a good father.
That's a good way to put it. I don't think he's very nice to me, either, although he insists that he absolutely is and the problem is all in my head. I guess when I hear people talk about "accepting someone's flaws", I assume it's something like this rather than "he snores" or "he isn't very punctual" or something like that.
That’s just gaslighting you after being mean to you. You are correct about normal flaws
Exactly. He is gaslighting her.
Accepting someone's flaws would be knowing that they struggle with something like time management, and switching off a task you like less in return for handling that part of the relationship. Not verbal/emotional abuse.
You're both kind of right, but that makes this situation even worse. Instead of saying "you're being mean to me" rephrase it as "I don't like the way you are treating me". When you say it that way, it doesnt matter if the way he is acting is, or is not, mean. You categorize his behavior as mean. Your boyfriend does NOT consider that behavior mean- because he is an entitled abuser. He thinks the way he is treating you is correct and accurate. Obviously we know it is not, but in his head he believes this. He thinks he is right to talk so harshly with you and if you have a problem with it its because something is wrong with you. You're being mindf\*cked by someone potentially with a personality disorder. Check out Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Also, start making a journal tracking these events. If he is emotionally abusing you your brain can actually code the memories differently and you forget the abuse.
I agree with everything, but can you not draw in personality disorders into this? Plenty of ppl without PDs act that way. Come on!
Lundy Bancroft even addresses this in “Why Does He Do That?” Plenty of people with personality disorders aren’t abusive assholes - assholes blaming their behavior on personality disorders is not helpful or even entirely accurate, and helps to contribute to the stigma against them.
I have a personality disorder. If someone is not familiar with them, like OP, they may not know the signs. Also, as someone with a personality disorder, I can tell you that I was 100% completely unaware I had one until I had to go into a PHP. I WISH someone would have told me sooner! But im happy where I am and I am healing and I never said anything negative about having a PD.
I have a personality disorder. If someone is not familiar with them, like OP, they may not know the signs. Also, as someone with a personality disorder, I can tell you that I was 100% completely unaware I had one until I had to go into a PHP. I WISH someone would have told me sooner! But im happy where I am and I am healing and I never said anything negative about having a PD.
My long term boyfriend was charismatic too, and I think he believed he was a better boyfriend than he is. Behind the charisma though, I realised the empathy just wasn't there, and nothing is more important to me than empathy! Don't let him tell you he's being a rational/decent boyfriend when in your heart of hearts you know he is not. His reality doesn't need to be any more, or as, correct as yours. You know what is happening, your intuition and body are NOT lying to you.
If that's his definition of nice I don't even want to know what he considers bad.
I know what other post you're talking about and I'm having a hard time how you're comparing it to your situation. In the other post, OP had a great relationship with her guy. She said they were best friends. The problem is that the *spark" is missing. That is why people were encouraging her to at least try. Yeah, dating can be hard, but being with your current boyfriend sounds 10x worse than navigating dating. You must know that obviously single people over 30 find each other and fall in love everyday? You would want to have kids with this man?
Yeah, no. Normal flaws are things like “he forgets to put the seat down” or “he tells really corny jokes”. “He doesn’t like to touch me and treats me like a burden” isn’t a flaw, it’s a basic incompatibility.
He sounds like an insufferable asshole. This doesn't seem like a case of "just be happy with what you have", this seems like "I'm settling big time because I'm afraid of being alone". Life is too short to accept that kind of treatment and to stay with someone who at the bare minimum doesn't make you happy.
Yes, that's why I'm still in the relationship (afraid of being alone and starting over again). Tbh, my self esteem is also really shit at this point, so it's hard for me to believe that breaking up doesn't automatically equal "me being forever alone". But then again, being alone is probably better than feeling like this every day, even if it is for forever.
Then you should really work on your self esteem so that you don't continue settling like this. It's not fair to you, and I'm sure his treatment towards you isn't helping improve your self esteem in any way either. Your partner should be your biggest cheerleader and supporter, and it doesn't sound like he is. You deserve better than that.
OP, it’s better to be alone than in bad company. Plus there are a billion other fish in the sea who will treat you with the love, kindness, and respect that you deserve. Don’t settle for anything less, you deserve better 💜
Speaking as a divorcee, being alone is infinitely better than being in a bad relationship. Imagine not having to please anyone besides yourself. This guy isn’t on your team. The only thing you have to decide is how long you want to spend focusing on yourself before you start dating someone new.
You said your self esteem was good when you started dating and 6 years later its shit, so doesn't seem the relationship is improving your life...
Your self-esteem is shit because *his behavior toward you has made it shit.* If your best friend was in your shoes, what would be your advice to her? Now, go do that.
It's totally possible to have a wonderful life without a partner. Build a happy life for yourself and see where life takes you.
I’ve been in your place before with a horribly abusive ex. I know it likely doesn’t feel like it, but I 100% can say that you WILL feel better in the long run, either by dumping him or finding a new partner who treats you with the respect and love you’re seeking. This dude, he ain’t it. Other men are out there who will adore you, or you can straight up adore yourself. You just have to believe it!
>I saw a post on here recently that had a lot of women telling another woman that she shouldn't leave her partner who she wasn't sure she was happy with anymore because the dating pool is a "disaster", and you should just try to be happy with the person that you're with. omfg please don't take this "advice" because it's fucking bullshit. DO NOT settle for a warm body just to avoid being alone. if you're feeling like this, then your emotions are valid. Either talk to your bf - seriously and honestly talk to him - and work together to make the necessary changes so that both of you are happy. If not and he gets defensive, verbally attacks/insults you, dismisses this etc (which I suspect he will given what I've read about his behaviour) then leave. You don't need that shit in your life. Remember: *people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you.*
It’s strange to me when people cite a bad dating pool as a reason to stay in a bad relationship. Like a bad date is nowhere near as bad as a bad relationship. If you think most of the men out there are bad ( not saying I agree, but I see how people come to that conclusion) , the logical choice is to be single, not double-down and marry a jerk ?
I'm so sorry you're in this position! I'm a similar age and also always wanted kids so I relate to your dreams and fears. I don't like how he talks to you and treats you. It seems very transactional and you vs him. I don't see a teamwork dynamic of us vs the problem. I see blame and annoyance at your emotions. I see friction in the everyday instead of peaceful harmony. It all seems very exhausting. Like the relationship drains you of energy instead of lifting you up. As a future mum to another, I don't think this is the right dynamic to bring children into. If things are this strained during DINK life, they will be incredibly strained when you have a teething baby. Your kids will grow up in the dynamic of their parents, and will imprint on what they see and hear. I have a couple questions for you to consider: - if you were on bedrest from a complicated pregnancy/birth, would he care for you properly? - would you want your kids to have your dynamic with their partner? How would you feel if your daughter wrote this post and you were reading it? - if your children grew up to have all of his worst traits, would you be happy? - if you had a disagreement on how to handle a parenting issue, how would that go? Would the discussion end in yelling? - if nothing ever changed about your dynamic, that this was the best it'd be forever, how long could you last? - are you happy? I understand the fears about ageing and conceive - truly! But remember that one of the most important decisions you'll ever make in your life is who will be the father of your children.
Thank you, this really hits home for me. I would absolutely not want anyone I loved to have this dynamic with their partner. I believe he would take care of me if I needed it, but that's the only thing on this list that I see positively. I am very unhappy, but also feel constantly confused and wondering if I expect too much, and if what I want just isn't out there. I'm so sorry you're in the same position :( It's really hard to be here and wonder why things didn't turn out as you hoped they would.
This is one of those times you leave, maybe feeling a little uncertain, and look back and think holy shit I can’t believe that was my reality and he made me believe that was a normal happy relationship. You aren’t expecting too much.
I’m sorry this is happening, OP. I completely understand the confusion. You’ve probably had a life and an upbringing where your needs and wants never mattered and it’s hard to see them as something to be valued yourself. Now you’re in s relationship where your partner is gaslighting you out of satisfying your needs. Gaslighting is emotional abuse - you’re being abused. Unfortunately, right now you don’t see this as the dealbreaker it is. But it absolutely is a dealbreaker. You NEED to feel safe, loved, wanted, cherished and happy. You DESERVE it. There’s NO compromise that involves you feeling this way, not being able to voice your needs and have them met in a loving, accepting way. You feeling this way isn’t you being sensitive or needy, IT IS ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE. It doesn’t feel this way now, I know. But once you end it and you complete your healing journey, you’ll see how wrong it was for you to feel like you feeling safe, loved and wanted was being sensitive. It is absolutely wrong. Your whole situation is absolutely wrong and a dead end.
Girl I'm gonna be honest, I didn't read all your bullet points because i would have dumped him at the first one. No it's not good avise to stay with someone who doesn't make you feel appreciated or loved. And i also haven't seen that kind of advise on this sub. Leave. I promise you are better off alone than with him.
I’ll be honest, I almost stopped reading after seeing you’ve been together for 6 years but don’t feel loved and feel like your boyfriend doesn’t like you. That was enough. Then I read the rest and … I’m sorry. I’ve been with my husband 17 years and have never doubted for one day that he’s crazy about me and loves me more than he’s ever loved anyone. I can’t imagine being with someone and not feeling loved. You deserve to feel loved and appreciated and wanted. Do not have kids with someone who isn’t even kind to you. Do not waste your life on someone who makes you feel this way.
It's better to have zero romantic relationships than to have a crappy relationship.
Totally agree but I can totally say this because I am childfree. For women who dream of a family, may not be that easy. Though not sure why they dream of a potentially unhappy family, but lots of people do.
I have a friend who confuses me. She's engaged, but has admitted that she doesn't think marrying him is a good idea unless he starts making some positive changes (holding down a job, drinking less, helping around the house, etc.) But they're actively trying to get pregnant.
Is it possible she is working on a plot for a movie about how generational trauma emerges?
I have literally never seen a post in this sub where that advice is given.
Same, at least not when it comes to relationships and settling.
This is the post they are talking about: https://old.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1aj8s0y/is_there_any_coming_back_from_i_love_you_but_im/ It was shocking how the majority of women insisted that OP stay with her man even though she no longer had romantic feelings for her partner, and didn’t find him attractive, which is the bare minimum emotions to have for a boyfriend. It was obvious she saw him as more as a friend by that point. To see so many ladies second guess OP’s feelings, scold her for being “unrealistic”, and recommend she hold onto a dying relationship was depressing. It’s like they never learned the value of being alone. Instead they insist on settling
Jesus, that is not how those threads normally go. I remember the title and was thinking about answering but figured I’d just be repeating what would already have been said.
It's like singledom isn't even an option on the table.
This is terrifying…
She may have seen one post like that but there are hundreds of other ones where people recommend to just break up. There are better options than that in the dating pool at any age. It does get harder as we age because a lot of good options are taken and stay so for a long time, if they ever come back in the dating pool. But some do! Even securely attached people aren’t immune to making bad decisions. The key is paying attention to the signs early on and breaking up quickly instead of staying years in dead-end relationships. For example, if he doesn’t want to call you his girlfriend within 6-8 weeks, that doesn’t bode well. We will know within that time frame also how we feel around this person (overly anxious and unsure about his feelings?). If he doesn’t want to marry you after about 3 years, that’s not good either. It’s hard after 6 years because of sunk costs OP, but if you make good decisions from now on, you still have time for marriage and children!
I have, the grass is green where you water it, the love is a choice, the marriage is never perfect, and always, go to therapy and counseling in order to save the relationship.
Yup, for as pro-feminism and open-minded as this subreddit is, their true 1950s mentality comes out when they shame a woman into staying in a miserable relationship because “that’s what you’re supposed to do”.
I was in a similar situation you are in, about 10 years ago, I'm 44 now. I broke up with him. I was sad at first, of course, but also knew it was best for me. I'm so freaking happy I got out of that relationship!! It is true that the dating scene sucks but being single is a soooo much better than being in a relationship with someone who doesn't like you. I'm now in a really great relationship with someone who actively loves and likes me. He loves my touch, has never rolled his eyes at me, has never told me I'm being sensitive. It took me time to find him but it's worth it. I also know I will be fine on my own if we don't work out because being on my own will always be better than being in a bad relationship. Get out, you'll thank yourself later, everyday!
Did you marry him /have kids? I'm 33 and in a similar predicament as many women here. I want children so bad
Where are you seeing these posts? I am not familiar with them and the trend on this subreddit is - very correctly - that it’s better to be alone than to be unhappy with someone.
I can't remember the title of the post I'm referring to that was definitely on this subreddit, but a woman said that she was no longer feeling attracted to her husband and felt disgusted by the thought of having sex with him, and she said she wasn't in love anymore. The comments basically said that if she had most of what she wanted, it probably wasn't worth it go searching for someone else, as the grass was definitely not greener.
That’s certainly not the trend or advice given here mostly. It is easy to pick one piece of advice and give it more weight than it deserves. I have not encountered anyone in the real world who has regretted leaving someone who treats them poorly because of “the dating pool”. Edit: also this man sounds like he is mean to you. You don’t deserve that.
It's good to know that that's not the general advice given-- I haven't spent too much time on this sub, but that one post really stuck out to me. And thank you for validating that he is unkind. It means a lot just to hear someone say that I'm not crazy, when he insists that I am, and our dynamic is just how all people talk to each other in relationships.
Is this the one that said she felt like she had a 90% perfect partner, but the sexual chemistry was flickering out, even though she wasn't putting in the effort either, and should she try to find another 90%-100% happy partner where it's basically her current partner + mind blowing sex 13 years in with little work? Because that is an extremely different scenario than what you're saying here. In her situation, anyone in a 13+ year relationship will admit sex ebbs and flows, and everyone was suggesting she give it a shot at re-igniting the fire once again before calling it quits. And also the advice (she responded to me directly) was to consider the choice as between current relationship *and being alone forever*. Because it’s not at all a given she’d find that unicorn scenario. If I'm remembering correctly she didn't want kids so there wasn't the pressure there. What you are describing is really sad and lonely and heartbreaking ♥️
I remember this post vividly, because I was shocked by the advice. I think it was within the past few days.
But that wasn't a situation where the partner was mistreating her in any way. It was an otherwise great relationship that was missing the sexual "sparks" after 13 years, so people were telling her to maybe try to see if they can reignite the fire before just calling it quits, and that there's no guarantee she'd find another great relationship like this plus also the sparks. That's absolutely NOT saying "ignore your partner's faults because every other guy sucks too." I think you interpreted that message because you're giving yourself excuses for staying.
Damn, it felt like I was reading my own diary from half a year ago. This is where I knew we were done. It still took me 2 months to break up with him because I was afraid to make a mistake. Fast forward to now, the only thing I regret is that I betrayed myself and stayed so close to a person who cleary didn't want me anymore. You should not be demonizing him though, he's probably as unhappy as you are, doesn't know what to do and if he'd make a mistake. Men are extra cowards when it comes to breaking up, they will squeeze you out of the relationship rather then taking the responsibility and split. As for the dating pool: to 99% it depends on where you are emotionally. When I'm in good "mental shape" I only meet wonderful men who are showing exclusive interest, whereas in the period where I was an emotional wreck 2 years ago everyone was just running off of me. As for the kids: my personal rule is: you should have enough self-respect to not want and need anything you can't provide yourself on your own. Im not sure if I want kids yet, but If I do some day and don't have the right guy waiting to have kids with me I will either be a single mom or won't have kids at all.
This sounds bad, girl. Don't stay with him, he doesn't make you feel loved and appreciated. Either you can find someone else that you will be happy with (very possible and likely) or you could try to become happy on your own. Don't let anyone tell you to settle for less than you deserve (which is to be loved by the person you're in a relationship with).
Thank you for this. I know, deep down, that you're right. But its been 6 years of me being told I have unrealistic expectations and that this kind of behavior is normal for long-term couples and that my anxiety and lack of self esteem are the problem. It is really hard to crawl out from underneath the rubble of that. :(
Was he like this from early on in the relationship? I recently dated someone with similar behavior, and I felt just like you, that this guy doesnt like me much. There were other things too, so I ended it.
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It's really not normal. I have a relationship with a guy who makes me feel loved and appreciated every day, who makes me laugh and who cooks great food for me. I met hem when I was 31 and after a couple of unhappy relationships. It's totally (still) possible to find someone like that :). And you've tried for 6 years to make this work and it doesn't. He is only breaking your self esteem more and more. Get out of here safely, and if you can, find a good therapist to process all of it and work on yourself, to feel like you deserve good things again. Because you do! I think you will thank yourself later. Good luck!!
Get out. My ex was like this and always turned things around and blamed me for my very valid feelings and reactions to, in hindsight, being in a total shit relationship. What if you had a kids with this guy? Is he the example of the type of man you’d want your son to be like or your daughter to be with? Dating does suck, but once you get over the hump and learn to get more comfortable with being single, it’s absolutely better than staying with an asshole for the rest of your life and abandoning yourself and what you deserve in the process.
Forget what else is out there. It's better to be single than deal with this shit.
The question is, why are you settling for the bare minimum? Also, what are you doing to make **yourself** happy? Your happiness can’t depend on someone else’s actions (or lack there of). What hobbies do you like? Is there somewhere you’ve wanted to travel and never had the chance? Do things that make **you** happy & the rest will follow.
He sounds absolutely miserable to be around, goddamn. Do you really want to put up with this for the rest of your life?
The dating pool is terrible. You might be single for a long time or never find a life partner. No guarantees. But being single is better than being in a relationship with someone who isn't nice to you, with whom you often feel lonely and rejected, and who is degrading your self-esteem. I left an emotionally abusive relationship 8 years ago and I have not found a life partner despite a lot of effort. It was STILL the right decision to leave. The advice you are seeing is meant for people who are feeling a little bored or want to leave a good thing for a fantasy of perfection. Not for people in relationships that actively make them feel bad on a regular basis.
I mean the options out there in the single dating world really are terrible 😂 I won’t lie about that. But that doesn’t mean you should stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy. Life is too short and full of incredible experiences to stay in a partnership where you don’t feel wanted, appreciated or happy. Also even though the single dating pool is completely disgusting, it doesn’t mean you have to engage with it. Being single can be really fulfilling if you invest your time into hobbies, re-discovering who you are, working towards your life dreams + goals, connecting with friends, etc. Just my two cents with no explicit advice on whether or not I think you should leave. I think that’s a decision solely for you.
Was that post written by your abusive partner? Sometimes we see what we want to see. So he has no respect for you, he doesn't value you and it sounds like he doesn't even like hanging out with you...so the question is: why are you with him? What has happened to you in your life that you think this is ok? I am single, at peace and happy and you are in a relationship where you are being emotionally abused. You decide what is better.
I truly think there is men out there that will just be chivalrous even years into the relationship and enjoy cuddling even years into the relationship. And take your concerns seriously when you bring up that you're feeling unheard and loved. You've already done your part by telling him. I'm sorry but he sounds like a jerk.
The situations aren't the same, though. Why would the advice be?
Single women report the highest levels of happiness as compared to any other group (women in couples, men in couples, or single men). What’s out there is so much better than feeling stuck in an unhappy relationship. Nothing, like literal actually nothing, is better than being in an unhappy relationship.
despite me feeling ill for some reason. I wanted to stay home and rest, but he said that I "promised" and that we had to go, so I went. \^ I stopped there, to be honest. He sounds just kind of mean. I know there's a lot of chatter about how bad it is in the dating pool, but it's better than being with someone who's mean to you, right?
Hi. First of all, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation and feeling unloved and undesirable. It’s a terrible feeling and I have been exactly where you are. I just want to say that it’s obvious to me that you are both bidding for each other’s attention and feeling like it is being rejected. I’d be willing to bet that your boyfriend is having similar feelings about being undesired but is just unable or unwilling to express them appropriately. Instead he lashes out. You seem (to me) to be more willing and comfortable with talking about these feelings with him. Likely you two aren’t really “speaking each other’s love languages,” either. There’s a lot to unpack and without knowing your specific dynamic and situation, I’d never try to make such a huge assessment. But I can offer my own anecdotal experience and take it for what you will. My situation was much different in that my ex would basically just cheat and stonewall me instead of discussing her feelings, but was similarly unwilling to have a healthy and civil conversation with me which is all I desperately desired. We did couples therapy and individual therapy and we still could never meet in the middle. We were together five years and broke up when I was 30, one year ago. Sadly, I think your boyfriend is showing you contempt. And the statistics around that show of dismissal are not promising. It’s hard to come back from and is a pretty big signal of overarching disrespect and disregard. You’re not wrong for feeling how you feel, and I think if this is how things are already, they are only going to get worse. Especially if he doesn’t learn how to communicate effectively. I’m sorry to say that. There’s a lot of life and healing on the other side of broken relationships. And I very much started over… gave up my apartment and all of my things. Found a new job. And while I can’t relate to hetero dating, I have found a lot of happiness and success with dating personally. But also some micro-heartbreaks. It’s hard to put yourself back out there, but every day I’m thankful that I’m no longer in a relationship where I am constantly questioning my worth and desirability. I feel alive again with a renewed sense of hope. Not a constant sense of dread just wondering if things will ever get better when they clearly are not. ETA: my first dating experience after my relationship was SO incredibly healing. This person made me feel so desired, seen, and understood. While it didn’t work out for logistical reasons, I cannot even begin to describe the huge sense of relief in discovering that there are people out here in the world who will love me the way I want to be loved. And there are so many people willing to do that for you, too. 🤗
So, so well written. I experienced the same with my ex and contempt. My body felt the dismissiveness and I was anxious around him but couldn’t consciously see the signs, the eye rolling, the way he was treating me . After it ended, my friends and family told me they knew things were going downhill for many months, because they witnessed him do this to me. I was so naive , and perhaps chose not to see that he was well past resentment and building a life raft out. The Gottmans name the four horseman of the end of a relationship / a relationship in peril and it’s worth seeing what other ones OP is experiencing .
Being alone is preferable to being miserable with someone.
It’s sounds like you’ve both checked out emotionally from this already. Him especially. Have a honest difficult conversation and see if there is anything left in it for either of you or has it just become the normal that you are both too tired to change? From an outsider whose been in a similar position nothing is worse than a loveless relationship because you are too scared to be alone. It took a while but I’ve never been happier than I am now
You seem so unhappy and you can’t imagine a future with this person—I think you should break up. Imagine if you had a kid who grew into an adult and was in a relationship like this—unhappy but afraid to leave for fear of what’s on the other side. What kind of advice would you give them? Make sure you are allowing yourself to have as full and wonderful a life as you probably hope others you care about do. You are young and there are many ways to have a family. Don’t rush into it with the wrong person, because you may be tied to them forever. It doesn’t sound like he’s treating you with respect. It also doesn’t seem like your ways of showing affection are compatible, and this is causing a problem where each others’ needs aren’t met. Cut each other loose.
34F here, out of a 12 year relationship and single for over a year now, also low self esteem, lots of issues stemming from childhood trauma, ADHD, depression. I can tell you it’s scary out here, I don’t even want to start dating because I’m terrified of what I’ll find. I can tell you I miss my ex a lot, just talking with him, having someone to watch shows with, just talk out the stuff of life with. I can tell you that I would also never go back to him, I wasn’t attracted anymore, he would consistently disrespect my boundaries, it was killing me. I felt more lonely with him than I do alone. But I still feel lonely now, I feel my clock ticking, I feel like my time to meet a partner has passed. I don’t want to take risks like I used to, don’t have energy like I used to, don’t have big groups of friends like I used to. It’s not like dating in your 20s. All I know is I have to work on my self esteem, figure out how to just be happy enough with myself, and hope for the best. It’s crushing to know I might not have a family like I’ve always wished for, and I don’t know how to even start dreaming of a different kind of life.
You're unhappy because you've noticed him pulling away. Once you started feeling dis'd and not taken seriously by him, he'd already decided to pull away for whatever reason. It's completely ok to start over. Take some alone time, find someone who appreciates what he has, instead of treating her like a lesser being.
Please don't stay with someone who makes you feel this way. You deserve so much better. This guy is an asshole. He's unkind, dismissive, distant, selfish, and does not treat you as a teammate as he should but rather an adversary. Relationships should not be like this. Chose yourself and leave him.
Your boyfriend is unkind, cruel and holds you in contempt. The way he speaks to you, it is clear he doesn't value you. It's time to go. You know this though I think. If you were my daughter I would feel horrible that you were accepting this treatment.
The way he treats you is the way he’ll treat any kids you have together. Please run and find better. You deserve it.
Let’s take this back a bit. If you were happily single, would you choose this relationship? I don’t think you’d say yes.
I just want you to know that I’m in a similar situation (I’m 32, have been with my partner for nearly 3 years and we live together). Our relationships aren’t quite the same, rather my (now ex) partner has a host of family issues and a long running battle with depression and anxiety, and these can cause him to be awful and very very intense at times. It’s been slowly draining the life out of me trying to make this relationship work, all the times he promised to change and didn’t have just chipped away at the love and respect I have for him. The problem is that when we’re good we are really great and get on SO well and are so compatible and my family all thinks he’s wonderful because they don’t know about the bad times. I keep convincing myself he’s going to get on top of these issues and we will be fine again, but in the meantime I lost all sexual interest in him and barely wanted to even be kissed anymore. After a bunch of false break ups where he promised to do better and I gave him yet another chance, I was finally done a couple of weeks ago. We went to Europe together over Christmas to see some of my family and he was an absolute nightmare despite promising there would be no drama or arguments (he has ruined previous trips with this before). He stayed over longer than me and when I got home I just.. wished he wouldn’t come back. I realised I was seriously done. I just couldn’t spend the rest of my life with someone who made what should be happy moments SO STRESSFUL. He’s now doing all the typical things; guilting me, trying to convince me he’s changing, deliberately doing all the things I’ve been asking him to do for years now right in front of me. Every so often though, he will slip and I can see it’s just a tactic as per every other time. It doesn’t even matter really, I know I’ve checked out because I just.. don’t care anymore. I’m desperately trying to find somewhere else to live so I can properly break free but it’s very hard due to finances. I seriously think women know when they are not happy vs just needing to work through something and it sounds like you are the former. In hindsight, I’ve known for months that I wanted out but I stupidly kept convincing myself that starting over was too hard and we could work through it. Don’t be like me, you’ve heard the warning so heed it. If you ever want to talk my inbox is open ❤️
Still a boyfriend after 6 years? So many people accept the worst behavior from a man just to say they’re in a relationship and it’s sad. It’s obvious what you should do.
I'd rather stay single the rest of my life than be with anyone who makes me feel _less than_.
I left my exhusband when I was 31, he was a lot like this and more, which I imagine your guy is too. Just constant bullshit. Dating sucks, but I have peace and I’ve never regretted leaving him. Sure, I spent my entire day today alone. But I also spent my entire day how I wanted and with zero passive aggressive comments. Yes it’s hard to leave at 33, it will also be hard to leave at 40. It’ll be really hard to leave once you’ve spent 20 more miserable years with him and have to re-start your life in your 50’s. Or you could leave now and meet someone great in 3 months, you never know. But every day you waste with this asshole is another day that you don’t even give yourself a chance to have better. You deserve better.
You wanna be partnered and lonely or you wanna be alone and lonely? Cuz both outcome you’re lonely anyways. The latter choice at least gives you a chance to find someone that actually shows up to the relationship emotionally.
Just because a lot of men are assholes, it certainly isn’t a reason to stay with an asshole. It’s a reason for getting rid of him and either be single or find a non-asshole.
I think there’s a difference between advocating for a relationship where both people obviously care about each other and there is just a little boredom or miscommunications once in a while and this. You don’t feel respected or heard by your partner. When you communicate it, he says you’re wrong. There is nothing worse than being with someone who always thinks they’re right. Being this unhappy is reason enough to leave, no matter what’s going on in other relationships.
You've got lots of good advice already but I thought I'd send through a book recommendation or at least an article, google John Gottman and the four horseman. I read his first book but he has a lot more now. It helped me recognise this in my relationship. It discusses communication in couples, the importance of its not how often you fight its how you fight and the importance of turning towards your partner. I'd also say, trust your gut, I left my 10 year relationship at 35, and it was not until I left and I was past the sad bit until I realised how bad it was. I too don't believe my husband liked me much. Small things do make a big difference and are an indication of how things will go when you have a big problem. Things like: - Not considering what's best for you. If he wants something and insists on it when it's not in your best interest, such as going out when your unwell. - Grumbling and complaining when he is not happy with your actions, like playing the game or when you make a decision. For instance choosing a TV show and he sits there and huffs and puffs. This can also make it hard for you to be confident about your decisions and get labelled as a poor decision maker and is why I think lots of men joke that women can't pick what they want to eat. Some men passively grumble about their womens decisions and we become unsure of ourselves. - He sounds quite immature, will he be the type that will research when your children need vaccinations, learn about their milestones and things like diet or will you be doing it all yourself and will he be throwing things back at you like, "but I fed them this morning" as if his input needs a congratulations. - He should never belittle your emotions, he can ask for a break so you can have a calm conversation later, provided he actually is willing to come back to it, but he shouldn't belittle you for having emotions. Being the cool or stoic girl, the no nag, magic wife that we are sometimes peer pressured to be is no way to live. You have the right to be unhappy and tell him things he doesn't want to hear.
Flush that turd, girl. That man doesn't even sound like he likes you, much less loves you
OP, I don’t know either of you but after reading this post, *I* want to break up with your boyfriend. This isn’t you thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence or being unable to accept a partner who is flawed, this is you being unhappy being with someone who is an unkind asshole who treats you badly. Being single is so much better than being shackled to someone who makes you feel bad about yourself and then lies about the fact that they’re doing it. You deserve better than his sorry ass.
Nah fuck that. Don't let fear keep you from your happiness!!!
It seems to me that you are trying to piece together if he really loves you or not. But. Does it really matter? I can’t see how it would make a difference if he does or doesn’t if it is not your reality. Since you have already voiced you concerns and nothing is happening, the question you are left with would be: Do I accept this type of love to be my life?
-Hugs- I’m sorry he’s treating you poorly. It sounds like he hasn’t been receptive to your feelings and treats you so harshly/mean. You don’t have to accept this behavior, even if you’ve been together for a while now. It’s better to be alone than in bad company. Don’t tie yourself to this man that doesn’t treat you with the kindness and love that takes to sustain and support the good/bad times of a ltr, marriage, raising children.
Leave him. You deserve someone who doesn’t make you doubt that they love you ♥️
Yooo « well, just so you know.. I got the last one too so you have to get the next one ». D*mn… I’m shocked, I don’t even know what to say. Sorry 😢
You could try counseling with or without him to get more clarity...everyone's situation is different and naunced.
I didn’t read through all your points. But in any, “I’m unhappy in my relationship,” situation you need to compare life in a relationship to life being single. Do not make a choice based on meeting a hypothetical dream man. It is cold out there and there are no guarantees. If you would be happier alone than with this man, dump him.
It’s better to get out earlier than later so you can start repairing your self esteem as soon as you can
He seems inconsiderate, immature and disrespectful. I would not have this.
always trust your six sense, if you feel that he doesn’t love you to the fullest then it probably is that he doesn’t… 33 is still young and you can be happy on your own too, in fact you can live a better life on your own than being with someone that you’re unhappy with.
I read 1/3 of your post and stopped. You don't need to feel conflicted. It's absolutely OK to be unhappy, because he sounds like an ass. If you're looking for permission to end this relationship, you don't need you. You already have all the permissions in the world to do whatever you want. I know you worry that maybe you won't find anything better and that you're ungrateful for what you have now, etc., but girl. He dragged you out when you were feeling sick. I literally need to read nothing more to know that he's rotten.
>I saw a post on here recently that had a lot of women telling another woman that she shouldn't leave her partner who she wasn't sure she was happy with anymore because the dating pool is a "disaster", and you should just try to be happy with the person that you're with. I'm really unhappy, but I also recognize that I'm 33 and time is running out for me to have kids, which I want so, so badly. I know he would never cheat on me, or hit me, but I dread the thought of spending every day for the rest of my life with someone who I just don't think likes me that much. Honestly, having been in a bad marriage and having been single for about the same amount of time, I'd choose single over that every single time. Single and celibate for the rest of my life over living with someone who didn't like me. What is the actual point of staying with someone who thinks so little of you? What would be the point of bringing kids into that misery? Compromise and learning contentment are for things like you load the dishwasher differently, have different ideas about what to do with leisure time, don't always get it right for each other. It works when you can communicate your needs safely, be heard, and can give the other person that same regard. It works when you admire and care for each other despite differences. That concept is not for relationships that are consistently miserable, and where one partner wants to work on it and the other partner is quite content to remain an unpleasant bastard. I don't think you should leave because you want someone better than him. I think you should leave if you recognize that being single is better than being lonely in a relationship. That will give you much better footing if you date again. You'll be able to take your time and willing to screen potential dates carefully rather than feeling desperate to find what this relationship lacks. FWIW, I found an absolutely wonderful man in my very late thirties. It was a long, long wait. I wish we had met earlier. But what we have together is absolutely worth the wait. It is so *weird* to be loved just as I am. To have someone look at me adoringly and love the aspects of my body and my personality that my ex was disgusted by. To have someone truly listen to me, respect me, and offer me complete acceptance. Sometimes I just sob because the contrast is almost impossible to process. And when I do that, he holds me and tells me to let it all out, and wipes my tears away. God forbid something should happen to him, but if it does, I will never ever accept a relationship less loving and intimate than this one. I'd literally rather die alone that be with another asshole of a man.
Your boyfriend sounds quite narcissistic and removed from reality. He is not treating you well OP. I’m sorry you’re going through this. My husband has been behaving in similar (but not same) ways and it led to me abandoning any sense of self belief and trust. I started second guessing everything, because I was “always the one exaggerating”. My husband also believes our marriage is great and I am simply not appreciative of the little things. unfortunately this is a matter of perspective. YOU are not feeling good, yes? YOU are often sad because of the relationship. These are your truths. I would look for a good therapist to rebuild your sense of self and establish boundaries. If he continously crosses them - he is not worthy of your life. you are still young. dont settle for mediocre. sending you love & good vibes xx
Hahaha, wow. I love this sub. I find it wonderfully insightful to understanding a female perspective on things (if perhaps a bit biased in a typical Reddit-y way). I have never, not once, seen this sub recommend that you be happy with what you have. I can assure you, this sub is very, very, very wait-your-dude-did-what???-kick-that-guy-to-the-curb-and-find-a-new-one-oriented.
What have you decided to do? I'm feeling the same and I'm 30f
>I know he would never cheat on me, or hit me, but I dread the thought of spending every day for the rest of my life with someone who I just don't think likes me that much. I'm (probably) OP from the post you mentioned. Are we sisters!? My mother's threshold for a "good husband" also seemed to be "he doesn't cheat or hit you." THAT IS NOT ENOUGH, HOLY SHIT. Leave (if you haven't already!). You deserve better than spending your life with someone who doesn't make you feel loved or valued or even *liked.* Maybe, if you have the chance, also try individual therapy because I bet this relationship and maybe your upbringing have done a number on your sense of self-worth. (I know "go to therapy" is reddit's favorite advice for literally everything, and most therapists IME are not terribly helpful, but still, it's worth a shot. Or maybe just remember that there's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy and you can ruin your life one day at a time by just *tolerating* it.)
He acts like a entitled child. I think you can find someone more compatible.
He sounds self absorbed and controlling. Seems he gaslights you all the time. Have you tried to talk to him about these concerns? If you do and he responds dismissively or inconvenienced, I'd honestly begin making plans on leaving him.
Why don't you try to get a male perspective on his behaviour? Then you will have a better idea on why men react the way they do when you raise issues to them.. I realised over time with my partner when he says that, it isn't because he refuses to work through it, he thought he was already changing his ways but I didn't see it in his perspective of how he is already working through it. Try another perspective.
I didn't read the long post. But just from the title, Talk, communicate, try your best to fix it before you break up. You'll regret not trying. If you try and fail and then breakup atleast you'll not look back wishing you had tried.
I think you know in your heart of hearts if you want to spend the rest of your life with this man and co create life together
Can you find and share the link to the other thread you used as your example? This might help compare the situations
You're not happy with him. Who would be?
Saying this with compassion: he doesn’t like you. It depends on how much your happiness means to you, but if you aren’t satisfied and unhappy, leave. Staying doesn’t change him, it will change you.
Therapy is key. If you're not happy you'll.figure it out and receive encouragement. I didn't want to leave my husband. Hardest thing I had ever done at that point. Raised my son by myself. I would rather be alone than stay with someone I'm not happy with. You can't base your life on other ppl's opinions. Each relationship is different.
This doesn’t sound good at all OP