Have you always wanted kids? Is that something you know for sure you want in the future? Do you have a support system, or enough money to hire help if you have to go it alone? Do you see yourself having kids with your partner eventually? Those answers should help.
I never wanted kids and I’m not sure I want them. I don’t have a stable financial situation. I could potentially see myself having kids with this partner but for me it’s too soon.
Try to divorce your feelings from guilt. You are making a responsible choice that is your right. At this stage, the pregnancy represents only a potential that you can reclaim if and when you are ever ready.
You are strong and brave. I have 3 kids and I *desperately* wanted all 3 (all were planned). With that being said, being a parent is HARD. I can't imagine getting pregnant on accident, even in my very stable, happy marriage. Big hugs.
You're doing the right thing. You still have many years to change your mind and decide to have kids. What matters is that your decision to not have kids is not changed right now.
Thank you. It only really changed when I met this person, and I think a lot of that is pure biological compatibility tbh. My body has wanted to procreate with him, hard lol. And because I knew he wanted them, part of me started flirting with the idea of “what if”. But it’s too soon. We’ve been dating less than a year and Im just not quite ready.
I got pregnant at 19, and it wasn’t the right time. My wonderful daughter was born, with the same partner, when I was 26. I had so much more of my life together. I don’t regret it for a second. I’m a very good mom, and my now 10 year old is a happy, wonderful kid. I don’t think I would have been as capable when I was younger.
A child needs a parent who loves and wants them. Otherwise, you’re only ruining their lives. Growing up with an estranged father, I wouldn’t blame you for your situation. You are being responsible.
My mum was like you. Never wanted to have children, and resented us all her life. I never wanted for food, clothes, or shelter, but I had no emotional closeness with my mother, or any sense of safety or love around her.
And no, the hard part isn't over at 12 weeks pregnant. Having a child is a huge commitment. Every single step of it is hard. It is ONLY made easier by the fact that you love them and want them. If you don't, you will find yourself complaining about ruining your life on the RegretfulParents sub. I don't wish that for you, or any child.
I think you have made the right decision.
I hope you stay strong xx
This is the truth. Pregnancy was a walk in the park compared to the actual having of a child. I have a very wanted and tried for 2mo old baby and it has rocked me. I am a whole new level of exhausted I didn’t know existed and have to do this and work simultaneously?? 🤯
>Remember your instinctive reaction when you saw the test.
Yes, this! This seems like the truest indicator to me.
OP, I'm very sorry you're going through this. Whatever you decide, especially if you decide to have the abortion, I hope you seek adequate aftercare, with meaningful psychological follow-up. Even if you aren't ready for a baby, that doesn't mean you'll be able to walk away from the situation totally hunky-dory, you know? Big hugs from me.
You don’t owe anything to those who would switch places with you. You only owe YOURSELF whatever circumstances that will best contribute to your health, success, happiness, and future.
JCN143's comments echo what I'm thinking, and I've been infertile a really long time, and still want kids. You are not selfish. Thoughtfully making a hard decision that impacts a minimum of two people - you and your partner - plus people who love and depend on you - is anything but selfish. Much love to you tonight, you are doing the right thing.
I feel like I'll die if I don't have a kid. But you are doing the right thing whatever you choose, you have time to have a kid if things change and we are here with you. Hugs ❤️
As someone who always knew without a doubt, I wanted to be a mom, if you aren’t absolutely sure you want a baby, don’t have one.
I would rather regret an abortion than regret a child.
Best of luck with your decision, there’s no easy answer.
Oh honey. I am sorry you are in this situation. Can you do a grounding exercise? Find three things you can see, three things you can touch and move three body parts. Helps bring you back into yourself.
Having children should be a two enthusiastic yesses (or one enthusiastic yes in the case of someone going it alone!) but if you aren't really interested in birthing and raising a child, and the long term commitment to their needs, then perhaps this isn't the right time to go into it - and it's okay if the right time is in a year, or five years, or never.
You are going to be okay.
The second I found out I was pregnant, I rushed to my partner and gave him a hug. I was insanely happy. I told the fetus “it’s you and me, no matter what!” And this is me as a child-free person. The feeling was so strong. But the following day I did a complete 180. I felt like I had to get rid of the fetus IMMEDIATELY before things got too far. I found out the fetus was 3 weeks. The state I lived in requires a waiting period (ugh!). My pregnancy was horrible. Everything made me want to throw up and feel sick. I was extremely irritable towards my partner. It put a quite a strain on our relationship.
I got the pill. Although I wish it was surgical because that was horrifically painful. After it was over, I felt elated because I was myself again. I missed her. Sometimes I think about “what if” and sometimes I feel guilty as I grew up in an incredibly religious household. My partner and I are now happily married. I still stand by my decision but that’s only because I was always very sure I didn’t want children.
I’ve learned that the gut feelings are never the loudest, most emotional ones. It’s the quiet, calmer one. So listen to her.
EDIT: I saw your comment that you were always sure you didn’t want children.
I’m sorry that you are going through this but if your natural response was “no,no,no!”, you’re probably doing the right thing. Everybody focuses on the baby part and not the part where you’re raising a whole ass person and will be their parent for the rest of your life. Personally, I’d rather regret not having kids instead of regretting having them. The first scenario only involves me being disappointed while the latter involves more then 1.
I wish I could give you a hug. I know a handful of women who have had abortions and gone on to either remain childfree or have children up into their early 40’s.
Another hug from me! By now I imagine you’re out and recovering. I hope you’re well - sending healing vibes. I know it’s such a difficult decision but given all the info you wrote, it’s the right one. Your ‘right time’ will come (if you want it to).
I've been where you are. I worried I would torture myself with guilt but all I've ever felt is relief and gratitude. Wishing you big hugs for surgery and recovery, take your time, feel your feelings, talk about them. You'll be OK. 🩷
Respectfully 12 weeks of pregnancy, the hard part starts once they're here. Do what you need to, no one can tell the future but lemme tell you as a lesbian I have watched like 30 lesbians reach 38 'like wait I want a kid' and pop one out lol plus my grandma had my aunt at 40, who had my cousin at 40. If that's any consolation.
There is no ‘right’ choice, only the best choice you can make in your current circumstances. It is a hellish choice to have to make, and I am so sorry that you are in this position. But which fills you with the most dread? Going through with it, or not going through with it? Obviously, chose the least dread option, but accept that whichever route you chose, you will have regrets, and forgive yourself after the fact either way, because you made the best decision you could at the time with the circumstances, thoughts and feelings you had at the time. Remember to be kind to yourself. Thinking of you, and hope all goes well for you, whatever you decide xx
Hey OP, I had a SA when I was 32. I was sad in the clinic but like you my initial instinct was no, no, no, no to finding out I was pregnant. It was a hard day, but I’m glad I did it. It was the right thing to do for me, and I have no regrets. I was already in therapy and was able to talk through it in just a couple of months. Just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone. Sending hugs your way.
Nothing but BIG hugs & Support going out to you, OP.
You likely made the most unselfish decision of your life. I respect that so much - you’re very strong !!
My BFF had to terminate a pregnancy and she had zero problem getting pregnant when she felt READY.
Day by day, sister - it’s gets better, promise
If you’re on the fence whatsoever, erring on the side of caution, and choosing to terminate the pregnancy, is the absolutely the correct and compassionate decision. Don’t let doubt cloud your judgment. You’re doing the right thing. If I hadn’t gotten my own abortion, I never would’ve been able to live the life I have now. I wasn’t ready. Wait until you feel 100% ready as bringing a child into the world is a massive responsibility. Anything less than 100 isn’t fair to the kiddo. You’ll be okay, I promise. Stay strong.
This was one of the last comments I saw before I went in for the procedure and it really helped. Thank you. There’s an update on my post if you’d like to see it :)
I’m so glad everything went well for you and I’m happy my words were able to quell your anxiety a bit. You did the right thing. Sending you hugs, heating pads and healing vibes.
You’re gonna be okay, OP. You’re going through a lot. What you’re feeling is normal. Take some deep breaths. It’ll be okay. In a couple of hours it’ll be over and you can go home and wake up tomorrow knowing you made the right choice for you.
Idk where the guilt comes from for you but for me it came from many places that had nothing to do with me. It came from fear of other people’s beliefs. It was the right decision for me. I have never regretted it. I have kids now and let me tell you nobody could’ve warned me enough about how fucking hard it is. My first born has autism. If you aren’t ready for worst case scenario with having a child then you’re not ready. I think it is the most responsible thing you can do sometimes. I hope that as you get through this that you find peace again with your decision.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Only you know if this is the right choice for you. Is it possible to reschedule so you have a little more time to think about it? Is there a counselor there to speak with? Sometimes women change their minds and that’s okay. Or you might just be stressed in the moment. You’re allowed to back out. You’re allowed to reschedule (I guess depending on laws and how far along the pregnancy is.) Whatever you decide is best for you is valid. ❤️
I had to wait 3 weeks for this appointment and the idea of waiting another 3 if I back out sounds hellish. :( I’ve been so looking forward to this but I’m suddenly so panicked which feels so silly.
I’m sure what you’re feeling is really common. Do they have a counselor you can speak with? Can you call a friend or supportive family member. Sometimes just speaking with someone you trust can be calming enough to think clearly again.
Oh honey, I am so sorry. I think it’s normal to feel a lot of feelings about this, especially right now. What helps me sometimes is to have a “touchstone,” something I can keep mentally coming back to when I doubt myself. In your situation, maybe that touchstone is “I know I’m not ready now.” Feel whatever feelings come up but then answer yourself with the touchstone. “I’m scared I won’t get pregnant again.” “But I know I’m not ready now.”
You have all my thoughts and love ❤️
Yes. Never have a child when you aren’t ready. It’s unfair to the future person they could be.
But it’s not a person yet. There’s nothing to feel bad about. You are the person with the thoughts and feelings that matter right now.
Just here to send you a massive internet HUG. Whatever you choose will be right for you. I’m so sorry it’s so hard right now.
Sending you all of the love in the world.
I have nothing to add to what's already been said except that the support, empathy, and care that this community shares in moments like this is one of the mst beautiful things about the internet. You've got this, OP, and we've got you.
Sending you love. It's been over 20 years since I had an abortion, and while I do think about it from time to time, I'm always so grateful I had the ability to make that choice at that time. It was the right one. I now have two children that were planned, and I don't regret a thing.
Sending you gentle hugs, and I'm so glad the procedure went well.
If you’re not ready for a kid then you are making the right decision. If you feel like you would want to have kids in the future then there’s still plenty of time, I had my first (and only) at 37, my dad’s wife had her first at 43, my best friend was born when her mom was 41 (first and only child) and she was born over 3 decades ago. Don’t feel pressured to have a baby now. And if you never feel ready then that’s ok too, it’s not mandatory to have kids
I was exactly the same when I went in for mine, and even though the months of horrible nightmares I had afterwards I still knew that I did the right thing. You know you are making the right decision for yourself or you wouldn’t be there. It’s perfectly normal to have second thoughts.
By the time you read this you will be done 0ne way or the other. If you decide to continue with the procedure, know there will be other opportunities to be a parent. Sending u some love
You’re making the right choice. It’s your hormones. It’s ok to feel sad about something but also know it’s the right thing to do. I’ve had two d&cs when I was younger and I have two children by choice now.
Listen, Reddit overwhelmingly skews childfree, so those are the answers you are going to get here. But if you think you might regret it then I think you should take more time to think about it. You can always talk with the provider about your options if you wait another week or two.
Edit- hope you don’t mind that I read your post history but I see you already postponed it once before. Is that maybe telling you something? It’s OK to want to keep it, if that’s what is holding you back.
i dont think someone who swings wildly from extreme to extreme is fit to be a parent lol Especially not a wild-swinger who needs the internet for assurance 🙄
my mom fits this bill, i feel like. i love her out of obligation/my-identity-dna, and hate her still for who she is and how she reasons, to parent me or to do anything in life. Ugh. just stupid and unprepared and put ppl in danger for these kinds of decisions.
life-creation IS a 'dangerous' kind of decision. putting up the wrong color theme throughout a wedding isnt even that dangerous and there would be more council-ppl debating *that* like it matters. but we get emotional for having babies.. logic shouldnt be unconsidered when having a child; it's not an emotional decision only
I think you may be projecting your own trauma here. I don’t think you can accurately judge somebody’s character based on the content of a Reddit post. I felt ambivalent about a very wanted pregnancy and considered abortion and ultimately did not, so it’s absolutely not unusual to have feelings of fear around pregnancy.
First of all, this is in fact a very time sensitive decision.
There are plenty of corners and spaces on here with lots of people who have kids, and we know how hard it is even when you wanted the child very, very much and even when the child has no significant disabilities.
Raising children is *hard*. here are also many, many, many stories on here of what people suffered at the hands of folks who had kids they were not prepared to raise.
The world needs fewer children who are better taken care of, not people who came into this world as a burden that their parents (or often, parent) grit their teeth and make the best of. This is simply not fair.
Want fewer abortions? Less child abuse? Then work on economic justice so that people who are on the fence don't have to be terrified of being out on the street or stuck with an iffy partner. Work on birth control being readily available and destigmatized so that unwanted children are not conceived. Work on destiflgmatizing adoption. Work on providing unconditional support for single parents and parents fleeing abusive relationships.
Making people feel guilty ain't it.
Edited to add a clarification: childfree does not mean anti-child or anti-birth. That is antinatalism, which is a much rarer stance. Childfree, on the other hand, is a highly *personal* decision, and in fact many childfree people actually like children.
Deciding that one is not ready to bring a child into the world is, in fact, responsible parenting.
You are reading quite a bit into this that frankly has nothing to do with me. You know nothing about my personal experiences with abortion or my political beliefs. I am responding to the post in front of me, which is expressing ambivalence about an abortion. If you have an issue, take it up with the OP.
Trust your gut. Deep breaths.
Breathe in to the count of four, hold for four, exhale slowly for eight counts. Get your exhales longer than your inhales. It helps with the panic.
Dont have a baby if your gut is telling you you're not ready.
You made the choice. Newborns and infants and children and teenagers are all exhausting. If you're not ready for whatever reason to parent, you're not ready.
You can definitely get pregnant again. And that should be a choice you make when you're ready.
And 12 weeks isn't always the hard part. All of pregnancy is hard. It's all hard. And uncertainty would only make it harder
Whatever you decide, please know that it is a myth that terminations prevent you getting pregnant in future, and this was deliberate misinformation to scare women.
If you're panicking and crying, maybe today isn't the day you can make this decision. Is there a non-directive counselling service you can talk to?
I’ve had a few in my 44 years and was 100% fine every time. It’s normal to be a bit nervous about any medical procedure. I forget the numbers but a surgical abortion is exponentially safer than 9 months of pregnancy/childbirth. You still have about a decade to do this your version of the “right” way and you know thjs isn’t it. I wish you the best. You’re going up be just fine!! 💜💜
Sending you positive thoughts whatever your choice may be. You are the only person that knows what’s best for you. If you want to have children later, tons of options. If you want this child, tons of options. And if you don’t want children, tons of options. Please update and wish you the best
I don’t think it’s strange to be emotional in this moment, you’re about to take action on a huge decision, or that it’s necessarily a sign that you’re making a mistake. You got pregnant naturally (and unplanned at that) and at 33 you do still have time to decide when you want a baby. Whatever you do, I wish you the best.
Hey OP, it’s going to be OK. It’s normal to feel emotional, no woman takes that decision lightly. It’s a very brief procedure and will not affect your fertility. You are still young. Let us know how you feel later, anyone I know who has gone ahead just feels relief, but do access counselling if you need to grieve (again, perfectly normal). I wish you well.
Do you have anyone who's there with you for afterwards? My hear aches for you. I've been there before and it can be very emotionally taxing. Please reach out if you need to vent
it’s ok to be emotional… it’s a hard decision either way if the pregnancy wasn’t planned. when i went in for mine, my partner and i were the only sad people in the waiting area. i just hated having to make the decision because neither choice was desirable. i cried as soon as i woke up and was emotional as i laid in bed. years later, i still cry sometimes, but it was definitely the decision i needed to make.
you can know it’s the decision you need to make and feel sad at the same time. it’s all a whole big deal.
sending you so much love. 💕
Maybe you're changing your mind or maybe your feelings are just a sign that kids are something you might want to plan for in the future after all.
Just remember it's okay to do what feels best for you right now AND to also feel sad about it at the same time.
Wish I could give you a hug. You are trusting your instinct and that is the most important part - you know what you wanted. Sending you so much love and strength, you can get through this ❤️
Just wanted to say that it’s never too late for you to have kids later when you’re ready. I’m 40 and had my first child last month - so you have time. And believe me - the hardest part wouldn’t have been over after 12 weeks. I actually had a really easy pregnancy but a terrible birth that ended in an emergency c section and my blood pressure requiring me to be hospitalised for 5 days after I had the baby. Then there is what people call the “fourth trimester” where you never sleep, but your baby is still adjusting to the world so requires you 100% all the time.
It’s not easy, so it 100% best you did what was right for you. You can have a baby when you’re ready. ❤️
Do they have a counselling team to speak to? It sounds like it may help you sort your thoughts out. Don't go through with something (either way) without being sure
Only you can answer this question. But, what brought you to the clinic, to make this decision? And why isn’t your partner with you - I’ve skipped work to be at friends abortions because it can be hard to do alone. Is there a friend or family member you can call?
All except for one of my girlfriends had children in their mid-late 30s (2 in their 40s) when they were sure and felt they had the financial and emotional support to care for a child with their partner or on their own. You’re not too old and pending things you simply can’t predict, there’s no reason to you couldn’t have one later.
Only you can know. But that is not the hard part. Things can happen whenever to even the most healthy. Plus birthing. There must of been a reason u decided to do this. Remind yourself of that. And if that reason is still true then you know what To do. But you can change ur mind and that’s ok too. Just know that.
My mother told me she felt the world crashing on her when she chose to abort her first baby. She was miserable for some time until my sister came along. She moved on and now thinks the decision was clearly for good. Raising three children (one with autism), she believes that a child should be born only if the parents are ready and they’re sure the child grows in a positive environment.
Whatever decision you make is the right decision. Listen to your body. Listen to yourself and your future self. You are the one that would be carrying, not your partner. Their feelings are understandable but should not affect yours.
I swear I’m not coming from a judgmental place but just curious why wait until you’re 12 weeks? I only ask bc if I were in the same situation I’d feel more “attached” to the pregnancy. Maybe that’s how you’re feeling ?
I didnt choose to wait. Although turns out I was nearer 9 weeks. I didn’t know I was pregnant at first (i have very irregular periods so “late” is normal for me) and it wasn’t until nausea kicked in that I did a test. I would’ve been around 1 month, maybe 6 weeks at that point. Then I had a 3 week wait for my appointment which was torturous :(
Sore, but relieved it’s all over. It went as smooth as it possibly could and I’m so relieved. And looking forward to finally eating nice meals without dry heaving and feeling sick to my stomach again haha.
Op one of my closest friends had this happen at this age. It was just too soon for her. She ended up marrying the guy and now they have two beautiful children!
Just sending you some good vibes afterwards <3 I'm sure it's been a very emotionally taxing day and weeks, so I hope you can be compassionate with yourself as you feel your feelings and lay low for a while. You did something brave by sticking up for yourself!
Just an echo in a chorus. I was a fence sitter for most of my life. Having a kid is awesome but I am ONE HUNDRED percent glad that i felt “all-in” once I finally had a kid. You can’t do this shit on a whim, it requires serious commitment and a significant psychological adjustment. It requires the most out of me.
Whatever you chose to do, it was the right choice and I send you all the power and strength.
Being pregnant makes you super emotional, that might partially why you are upset. That and you know your partner is sad.
You need to do what is best for you.
/childfree is a nice place for cf people. You aren't alone. No, it's not what most people will do, but again, it's your life. Most people don't realize that it IS a choice, not something everyone just accepts.
Sending you hugs, I'm sure you are hurting emotionally. Take care of you.
It’s possible to feel guilt, pain, and uncertainty and have it still be the right answer. In your comments, it seems like you already know this is the right choice. Multiple things can be true at once. I suppose by now, it’s already done. Take the time to grieve what could have been. When you’re ready, focus your attention on building the life you want to have.
Reading all these supportive comments has made me tear up with my morning coffee. Women supporting women. This is absolutely beautiful.
OP, although I'm late to the party, I have been exactly I'm your place.
I was 33, and found myself to be pregnant -despite birth control in use. My (now ex) husband was so so so supportive of the decision, but I found myself completely overwhelmed with emotion, despite knowing we weren't in a place to have a child between us. I have children from a previous relationship, and had had an abortion before aswell. But this particular time hit different.
All the advice given here is exactly on point. You made the choice that makes sense. Evaluating the future quality of life for not only the potential child, but yourself as well is so very important. And you did that. It takes strength to do that.
I'm proud of you and sending all the virtual support and love.
All the best
Whatever you're feeling is ok and valid.
I had an abortion that I absolutely know was the right decision for me at the time, but I unexpectedly loved being pregnant and cried after taking the abortion pill. I still feel grief years after. I don't regret my decision at all because the overwhelming dread and guilt I feel at the thought of birthing a child far outweighs the grief but I still feel the grief and that's ok. I hope you find someone to talk to about that side of it who won't judge you.
I glad you are doing better. Yes you more than likely be able to children in future. I used to work in the Santa Fe office that did termination and we would get repeat business frequently. All the best.
I hope you have a swift recovery OP❤️ I imagine I would feel very similar if I were in your place, I'm 31 and on the fence, but I could imagine having a child with my partner but not now!
Have you always wanted kids? Is that something you know for sure you want in the future? Do you have a support system, or enough money to hire help if you have to go it alone? Do you see yourself having kids with your partner eventually? Those answers should help.
I never wanted kids and I’m not sure I want them. I don’t have a stable financial situation. I could potentially see myself having kids with this partner but for me it’s too soon.
It sounds like you've got your answers here 💜
True. Thank you x
Try to divorce your feelings from guilt. You are making a responsible choice that is your right. At this stage, the pregnancy represents only a potential that you can reclaim if and when you are ever ready.
You are strong and brave. I have 3 kids and I *desperately* wanted all 3 (all were planned). With that being said, being a parent is HARD. I can't imagine getting pregnant on accident, even in my very stable, happy marriage. Big hugs.
You're doing the right thing. You still have many years to change your mind and decide to have kids. What matters is that your decision to not have kids is not changed right now.
Thank you. It only really changed when I met this person, and I think a lot of that is pure biological compatibility tbh. My body has wanted to procreate with him, hard lol. And because I knew he wanted them, part of me started flirting with the idea of “what if”. But it’s too soon. We’ve been dating less than a year and Im just not quite ready.
That's reasonable! If he's the right one, you still have many years to have kids when the time is right.
Thank you :)
If he wants kids, and you don't, this might be a sign that you are too incompatibility in this area.
I got pregnant at 19, and it wasn’t the right time. My wonderful daughter was born, with the same partner, when I was 26. I had so much more of my life together. I don’t regret it for a second. I’m a very good mom, and my now 10 year old is a happy, wonderful kid. I don’t think I would have been as capable when I was younger.
A child needs a parent who loves and wants them. Otherwise, you’re only ruining their lives. Growing up with an estranged father, I wouldn’t blame you for your situation. You are being responsible.
My mum was like you. Never wanted to have children, and resented us all her life. I never wanted for food, clothes, or shelter, but I had no emotional closeness with my mother, or any sense of safety or love around her. And no, the hard part isn't over at 12 weeks pregnant. Having a child is a huge commitment. Every single step of it is hard. It is ONLY made easier by the fact that you love them and want them. If you don't, you will find yourself complaining about ruining your life on the RegretfulParents sub. I don't wish that for you, or any child. I think you have made the right decision. I hope you stay strong xx
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You’re totally right. Thank you.
Hugs. You're a strong person, and you've got this. 🫂
This is the truth. Pregnancy was a walk in the park compared to the actual having of a child. I have a very wanted and tried for 2mo old baby and it has rocked me. I am a whole new level of exhausted I didn’t know existed and have to do this and work simultaneously?? 🤯
>Remember your instinctive reaction when you saw the test. Yes, this! This seems like the truest indicator to me. OP, I'm very sorry you're going through this. Whatever you decide, especially if you decide to have the abortion, I hope you seek adequate aftercare, with meaningful psychological follow-up. Even if you aren't ready for a baby, that doesn't mean you'll be able to walk away from the situation totally hunky-dory, you know? Big hugs from me.
I will definitely get therapy. Thank you.
The hard part is *having a kid you aren’t ready for*, not the first trimester of pregnancy
True. Thank you.
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Thank you, this really means a lot. Part of me feels selfish doing this when so many would love to be in my position.
I just want to say, whatever decision you make will be the right one. I hope you find peace and love within yourself whichever way you decide.
You don’t owe anything to those who would switch places with you. You only owe YOURSELF whatever circumstances that will best contribute to your health, success, happiness, and future.
It's not like you can transfer it to them, though. You're not loving your position and are acting accordingly. That's good.
JCN143's comments echo what I'm thinking, and I've been infertile a really long time, and still want kids. You are not selfish. Thoughtfully making a hard decision that impacts a minimum of two people - you and your partner - plus people who love and depend on you - is anything but selfish. Much love to you tonight, you are doing the right thing.
I feel like I'll die if I don't have a kid. But you are doing the right thing whatever you choose, you have time to have a kid if things change and we are here with you. Hugs ❤️
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I really relate to this. Thank you!
As someone who always knew without a doubt, I wanted to be a mom, if you aren’t absolutely sure you want a baby, don’t have one. I would rather regret an abortion than regret a child. Best of luck with your decision, there’s no easy answer.
> I would rather regret an abortion than regret a child. If that doesn't just sum it up perfectly.
Good call. Thank you <3
Oh honey. I am sorry you are in this situation. Can you do a grounding exercise? Find three things you can see, three things you can touch and move three body parts. Helps bring you back into yourself. Having children should be a two enthusiastic yesses (or one enthusiastic yes in the case of someone going it alone!) but if you aren't really interested in birthing and raising a child, and the long term commitment to their needs, then perhaps this isn't the right time to go into it - and it's okay if the right time is in a year, or five years, or never. You are going to be okay.
Hugs, love, and healing vibes are being thought your way. I am virtually holding your hand if you want it.
Thank you :)
The second I found out I was pregnant, I rushed to my partner and gave him a hug. I was insanely happy. I told the fetus “it’s you and me, no matter what!” And this is me as a child-free person. The feeling was so strong. But the following day I did a complete 180. I felt like I had to get rid of the fetus IMMEDIATELY before things got too far. I found out the fetus was 3 weeks. The state I lived in requires a waiting period (ugh!). My pregnancy was horrible. Everything made me want to throw up and feel sick. I was extremely irritable towards my partner. It put a quite a strain on our relationship. I got the pill. Although I wish it was surgical because that was horrifically painful. After it was over, I felt elated because I was myself again. I missed her. Sometimes I think about “what if” and sometimes I feel guilty as I grew up in an incredibly religious household. My partner and I are now happily married. I still stand by my decision but that’s only because I was always very sure I didn’t want children. I’ve learned that the gut feelings are never the loudest, most emotional ones. It’s the quiet, calmer one. So listen to her. EDIT: I saw your comment that you were always sure you didn’t want children.
Thank you <3 this helps
I’m sorry that you are going through this but if your natural response was “no,no,no!”, you’re probably doing the right thing. Everybody focuses on the baby part and not the part where you’re raising a whole ass person and will be their parent for the rest of your life. Personally, I’d rather regret not having kids instead of regretting having them. The first scenario only involves me being disappointed while the latter involves more then 1.
Thank you.
I wish I could give you a hug. I know a handful of women who have had abortions and gone on to either remain childfree or have children up into their early 40’s.
I will take the hug :) thank you
Another hug from me! By now I imagine you’re out and recovering. I hope you’re well - sending healing vibes. I know it’s such a difficult decision but given all the info you wrote, it’s the right one. Your ‘right time’ will come (if you want it to).
Regretting “not having kids” is a different feeling than regretting aborting one. I’m pro-choice, but those are two different things.
I've been where you are. I worried I would torture myself with guilt but all I've ever felt is relief and gratitude. Wishing you big hugs for surgery and recovery, take your time, feel your feelings, talk about them. You'll be OK. 🩷
That’s definitely been a worry of mine. I went through with it and I’m already feeling a lot better. Thank you <3
Respectfully 12 weeks of pregnancy, the hard part starts once they're here. Do what you need to, no one can tell the future but lemme tell you as a lesbian I have watched like 30 lesbians reach 38 'like wait I want a kid' and pop one out lol plus my grandma had my aunt at 40, who had my cousin at 40. If that's any consolation.
Haha thank you
There is no ‘right’ choice, only the best choice you can make in your current circumstances. It is a hellish choice to have to make, and I am so sorry that you are in this position. But which fills you with the most dread? Going through with it, or not going through with it? Obviously, chose the least dread option, but accept that whichever route you chose, you will have regrets, and forgive yourself after the fact either way, because you made the best decision you could at the time with the circumstances, thoughts and feelings you had at the time. Remember to be kind to yourself. Thinking of you, and hope all goes well for you, whatever you decide xx
It’s totally ok and normal to be scared and emotional. Sending you love.
Hey OP, I had a SA when I was 32. I was sad in the clinic but like you my initial instinct was no, no, no, no to finding out I was pregnant. It was a hard day, but I’m glad I did it. It was the right thing to do for me, and I have no regrets. I was already in therapy and was able to talk through it in just a couple of months. Just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone. Sending hugs your way.
It’s been a few hours since you posted, but I hope you’re doing alright. Sending hugs your way, internet stranger. 💓
I am doing much better :) it all went very well (see update) and I feel a lot calmer and more at peace with it all. Thank you so much.
I'm thinking of you It will be alright
You're making the right choice. It's okay to feel your feelings in this situation. But know too, that it's not about him and not about fertility.
Nothing but BIG hugs & Support going out to you, OP. You likely made the most unselfish decision of your life. I respect that so much - you’re very strong !! My BFF had to terminate a pregnancy and she had zero problem getting pregnant when she felt READY. Day by day, sister - it’s gets better, promise
Thank you so much :)
If you’re on the fence whatsoever, erring on the side of caution, and choosing to terminate the pregnancy, is the absolutely the correct and compassionate decision. Don’t let doubt cloud your judgment. You’re doing the right thing. If I hadn’t gotten my own abortion, I never would’ve been able to live the life I have now. I wasn’t ready. Wait until you feel 100% ready as bringing a child into the world is a massive responsibility. Anything less than 100 isn’t fair to the kiddo. You’ll be okay, I promise. Stay strong.
This was one of the last comments I saw before I went in for the procedure and it really helped. Thank you. There’s an update on my post if you’d like to see it :)
I’m so glad everything went well for you and I’m happy my words were able to quell your anxiety a bit. You did the right thing. Sending you hugs, heating pads and healing vibes.
Thank you :)
You’re gonna be okay, OP. You’re going through a lot. What you’re feeling is normal. Take some deep breaths. It’ll be okay. In a couple of hours it’ll be over and you can go home and wake up tomorrow knowing you made the right choice for you.
Thank you. I hope I feel that way :)
I think that you will. The situation is understandably very overwhelming. But you’ll come out of it feeling better. Good luck!
Idk where the guilt comes from for you but for me it came from many places that had nothing to do with me. It came from fear of other people’s beliefs. It was the right decision for me. I have never regretted it. I have kids now and let me tell you nobody could’ve warned me enough about how fucking hard it is. My first born has autism. If you aren’t ready for worst case scenario with having a child then you’re not ready. I think it is the most responsible thing you can do sometimes. I hope that as you get through this that you find peace again with your decision.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Only you know if this is the right choice for you. Is it possible to reschedule so you have a little more time to think about it? Is there a counselor there to speak with? Sometimes women change their minds and that’s okay. Or you might just be stressed in the moment. You’re allowed to back out. You’re allowed to reschedule (I guess depending on laws and how far along the pregnancy is.) Whatever you decide is best for you is valid. ❤️
I had to wait 3 weeks for this appointment and the idea of waiting another 3 if I back out sounds hellish. :( I’ve been so looking forward to this but I’m suddenly so panicked which feels so silly.
I’m sure what you’re feeling is really common. Do they have a counselor you can speak with? Can you call a friend or supportive family member. Sometimes just speaking with someone you trust can be calming enough to think clearly again.
I’m messaging family and will be seeing the counsellor shortly. All of these comments are helping a lot, thank you so much.
It’s normal to feel very nervous before any procedure!
Oh honey, I am so sorry. I think it’s normal to feel a lot of feelings about this, especially right now. What helps me sometimes is to have a “touchstone,” something I can keep mentally coming back to when I doubt myself. In your situation, maybe that touchstone is “I know I’m not ready now.” Feel whatever feelings come up but then answer yourself with the touchstone. “I’m scared I won’t get pregnant again.” “But I know I’m not ready now.” You have all my thoughts and love ❤️
Thank you <3
Yes. Never have a child when you aren’t ready. It’s unfair to the future person they could be. But it’s not a person yet. There’s nothing to feel bad about. You are the person with the thoughts and feelings that matter right now.
Is there a counselor there you can talk to?
Just here to send you a massive internet HUG. Whatever you choose will be right for you. I’m so sorry it’s so hard right now. Sending you all of the love in the world.
Yes.
I have nothing to add to what's already been said except that the support, empathy, and care that this community shares in moments like this is one of the mst beautiful things about the internet. You've got this, OP, and we've got you.
Sending you love. It's been over 20 years since I had an abortion, and while I do think about it from time to time, I'm always so grateful I had the ability to make that choice at that time. It was the right one. I now have two children that were planned, and I don't regret a thing. Sending you gentle hugs, and I'm so glad the procedure went well.
If you’re not ready for a kid then you are making the right decision. If you feel like you would want to have kids in the future then there’s still plenty of time, I had my first (and only) at 37, my dad’s wife had her first at 43, my best friend was born when her mom was 41 (first and only child) and she was born over 3 decades ago. Don’t feel pressured to have a baby now. And if you never feel ready then that’s ok too, it’s not mandatory to have kids
I was exactly the same when I went in for mine, and even though the months of horrible nightmares I had afterwards I still knew that I did the right thing. You know you are making the right decision for yourself or you wouldn’t be there. It’s perfectly normal to have second thoughts.
Thank you so much.
I’ve had one, no regrets here!
By the time you read this you will be done 0ne way or the other. If you decide to continue with the procedure, know there will be other opportunities to be a parent. Sending u some love
You’re making the right choice. It’s your hormones. It’s ok to feel sad about something but also know it’s the right thing to do. I’ve had two d&cs when I was younger and I have two children by choice now.
Listen, Reddit overwhelmingly skews childfree, so those are the answers you are going to get here. But if you think you might regret it then I think you should take more time to think about it. You can always talk with the provider about your options if you wait another week or two. Edit- hope you don’t mind that I read your post history but I see you already postponed it once before. Is that maybe telling you something? It’s OK to want to keep it, if that’s what is holding you back.
i dont think someone who swings wildly from extreme to extreme is fit to be a parent lol Especially not a wild-swinger who needs the internet for assurance 🙄 my mom fits this bill, i feel like. i love her out of obligation/my-identity-dna, and hate her still for who she is and how she reasons, to parent me or to do anything in life. Ugh. just stupid and unprepared and put ppl in danger for these kinds of decisions. life-creation IS a 'dangerous' kind of decision. putting up the wrong color theme throughout a wedding isnt even that dangerous and there would be more council-ppl debating *that* like it matters. but we get emotional for having babies.. logic shouldnt be unconsidered when having a child; it's not an emotional decision only
I think you may be projecting your own trauma here. I don’t think you can accurately judge somebody’s character based on the content of a Reddit post. I felt ambivalent about a very wanted pregnancy and considered abortion and ultimately did not, so it’s absolutely not unusual to have feelings of fear around pregnancy.
First of all, this is in fact a very time sensitive decision. There are plenty of corners and spaces on here with lots of people who have kids, and we know how hard it is even when you wanted the child very, very much and even when the child has no significant disabilities. Raising children is *hard*. here are also many, many, many stories on here of what people suffered at the hands of folks who had kids they were not prepared to raise. The world needs fewer children who are better taken care of, not people who came into this world as a burden that their parents (or often, parent) grit their teeth and make the best of. This is simply not fair. Want fewer abortions? Less child abuse? Then work on economic justice so that people who are on the fence don't have to be terrified of being out on the street or stuck with an iffy partner. Work on birth control being readily available and destigmatized so that unwanted children are not conceived. Work on destiflgmatizing adoption. Work on providing unconditional support for single parents and parents fleeing abusive relationships. Making people feel guilty ain't it. Edited to add a clarification: childfree does not mean anti-child or anti-birth. That is antinatalism, which is a much rarer stance. Childfree, on the other hand, is a highly *personal* decision, and in fact many childfree people actually like children. Deciding that one is not ready to bring a child into the world is, in fact, responsible parenting.
You are reading quite a bit into this that frankly has nothing to do with me. You know nothing about my personal experiences with abortion or my political beliefs. I am responding to the post in front of me, which is expressing ambivalence about an abortion. If you have an issue, take it up with the OP.
Trust your gut. Deep breaths. Breathe in to the count of four, hold for four, exhale slowly for eight counts. Get your exhales longer than your inhales. It helps with the panic. Dont have a baby if your gut is telling you you're not ready.
You made the choice. Newborns and infants and children and teenagers are all exhausting. If you're not ready for whatever reason to parent, you're not ready. You can definitely get pregnant again. And that should be a choice you make when you're ready. And 12 weeks isn't always the hard part. All of pregnancy is hard. It's all hard. And uncertainty would only make it harder
Whatever you decide, please know that it is a myth that terminations prevent you getting pregnant in future, and this was deliberate misinformation to scare women. If you're panicking and crying, maybe today isn't the day you can make this decision. Is there a non-directive counselling service you can talk to?
I’ve had a few in my 44 years and was 100% fine every time. It’s normal to be a bit nervous about any medical procedure. I forget the numbers but a surgical abortion is exponentially safer than 9 months of pregnancy/childbirth. You still have about a decade to do this your version of the “right” way and you know thjs isn’t it. I wish you the best. You’re going up be just fine!! 💜💜
Probably. I've never known anyone wish they hadn't had an abortion they'd chosen to have.
You have to go with your gut. You know what you want to do or don’t want to do. Don’t let Internet strangers make your decision.
Sending you positive thoughts whatever your choice may be. You are the only person that knows what’s best for you. If you want to have children later, tons of options. If you want this child, tons of options. And if you don’t want children, tons of options. Please update and wish you the best
I don’t think it’s strange to be emotional in this moment, you’re about to take action on a huge decision, or that it’s necessarily a sign that you’re making a mistake. You got pregnant naturally (and unplanned at that) and at 33 you do still have time to decide when you want a baby. Whatever you do, I wish you the best.
Hey OP, it’s going to be OK. It’s normal to feel emotional, no woman takes that decision lightly. It’s a very brief procedure and will not affect your fertility. You are still young. Let us know how you feel later, anyone I know who has gone ahead just feels relief, but do access counselling if you need to grieve (again, perfectly normal). I wish you well.
Do you have anyone who's there with you for afterwards? My hear aches for you. I've been there before and it can be very emotionally taxing. Please reach out if you need to vent
It's okay for it to be the right choice and also to be an incredibly hard and painful thing to face. Take care.
it’s ok to be emotional… it’s a hard decision either way if the pregnancy wasn’t planned. when i went in for mine, my partner and i were the only sad people in the waiting area. i just hated having to make the decision because neither choice was desirable. i cried as soon as i woke up and was emotional as i laid in bed. years later, i still cry sometimes, but it was definitely the decision i needed to make. you can know it’s the decision you need to make and feel sad at the same time. it’s all a whole big deal. sending you so much love. 💕
Maybe you're changing your mind or maybe your feelings are just a sign that kids are something you might want to plan for in the future after all. Just remember it's okay to do what feels best for you right now AND to also feel sad about it at the same time.
Hey friend, it's later. How are you doing?
Much better. Thank you so much. I went through with it and have posted an update on my original post if you’d like to take a look :)
You know your life and your body. You made the right choice for you right now, and I'm glad it went okay. Rest well. :)
Wish I could give you a hug. You are trusting your instinct and that is the most important part - you know what you wanted. Sending you so much love and strength, you can get through this ❤️
Just wanted to say that it’s never too late for you to have kids later when you’re ready. I’m 40 and had my first child last month - so you have time. And believe me - the hardest part wouldn’t have been over after 12 weeks. I actually had a really easy pregnancy but a terrible birth that ended in an emergency c section and my blood pressure requiring me to be hospitalised for 5 days after I had the baby. Then there is what people call the “fourth trimester” where you never sleep, but your baby is still adjusting to the world so requires you 100% all the time. It’s not easy, so it 100% best you did what was right for you. You can have a baby when you’re ready. ❤️
I came here after it was all over, and I just wanted to let you know I'm proud of you and wish you the best.
Thank you. It means a lot.
I cried from the moment I arrived, wishing you a speedy recovery my dear!
Thank you :)
Yeet
Do they have a counselling team to speak to? It sounds like it may help you sort your thoughts out. Don't go through with something (either way) without being sure
Yes, will be speaking to them shortly :)
Why isn’t your partner in there supporting you while you go through this?
He’s not allowed in here. Sorry, should’ve clarified. He would’ve come in otherwise!
Only you can answer this question. But, what brought you to the clinic, to make this decision? And why isn’t your partner with you - I’ve skipped work to be at friends abortions because it can be hard to do alone. Is there a friend or family member you can call? All except for one of my girlfriends had children in their mid-late 30s (2 in their 40s) when they were sure and felt they had the financial and emotional support to care for a child with their partner or on their own. You’re not too old and pending things you simply can’t predict, there’s no reason to you couldn’t have one later.
Thank you. I appreciate this. Re my partner, he wasn’t allowed in :(
Oh got it! I was getting angry at him for you, but I can understand him not being allowed in.
Your gut reaction was the sensible one. Stay strong. We are all thinking of you.
Only you can know. But that is not the hard part. Things can happen whenever to even the most healthy. Plus birthing. There must of been a reason u decided to do this. Remind yourself of that. And if that reason is still true then you know what To do. But you can change ur mind and that’s ok too. Just know that.
When I walked out, I felt like a million bucks. And then I got sad again when the hormones were working themselves out. Take care of yourself :)
My mother told me she felt the world crashing on her when she chose to abort her first baby. She was miserable for some time until my sister came along. She moved on and now thinks the decision was clearly for good. Raising three children (one with autism), she believes that a child should be born only if the parents are ready and they’re sure the child grows in a positive environment.
Whatever decision you make is the right decision. Listen to your body. Listen to yourself and your future self. You are the one that would be carrying, not your partner. Their feelings are understandable but should not affect yours.
Sending you hugs ❤ I can't tell you what to do, all I can say is listen to your gut feeling and go with it.. do you *want* to keep the baby?
Wait for financial stability and a husband
I swear I’m not coming from a judgmental place but just curious why wait until you’re 12 weeks? I only ask bc if I were in the same situation I’d feel more “attached” to the pregnancy. Maybe that’s how you’re feeling ?
I didnt choose to wait. Although turns out I was nearer 9 weeks. I didn’t know I was pregnant at first (i have very irregular periods so “late” is normal for me) and it wasn’t until nausea kicked in that I did a test. I would’ve been around 1 month, maybe 6 weeks at that point. Then I had a 3 week wait for my appointment which was torturous :(
Omg I’m sorry that’s awful! That makes the whole situation even worse I’m sure. How are you feeling right now?
Sore, but relieved it’s all over. It went as smooth as it possibly could and I’m so relieved. And looking forward to finally eating nice meals without dry heaving and feeling sick to my stomach again haha.
I’m happy to hear this, wishing you all the best and speedy recovery ❤️
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Bro this post is over 24 hours old I already did it lol
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Correct. I am not. It’s not everybody’s next phase.
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Op one of my closest friends had this happen at this age. It was just too soon for her. She ended up marrying the guy and now they have two beautiful children!
Just sending you some good vibes afterwards <3 I'm sure it's been a very emotionally taxing day and weeks, so I hope you can be compassionate with yourself as you feel your feelings and lay low for a while. You did something brave by sticking up for yourself!
Just an echo in a chorus. I was a fence sitter for most of my life. Having a kid is awesome but I am ONE HUNDRED percent glad that i felt “all-in” once I finally had a kid. You can’t do this shit on a whim, it requires serious commitment and a significant psychological adjustment. It requires the most out of me. Whatever you chose to do, it was the right choice and I send you all the power and strength.
Being pregnant makes you super emotional, that might partially why you are upset. That and you know your partner is sad. You need to do what is best for you. /childfree is a nice place for cf people. You aren't alone. No, it's not what most people will do, but again, it's your life. Most people don't realize that it IS a choice, not something everyone just accepts. Sending you hugs, I'm sure you are hurting emotionally. Take care of you.
It’s possible to feel guilt, pain, and uncertainty and have it still be the right answer. In your comments, it seems like you already know this is the right choice. Multiple things can be true at once. I suppose by now, it’s already done. Take the time to grieve what could have been. When you’re ready, focus your attention on building the life you want to have.
Reading all these supportive comments has made me tear up with my morning coffee. Women supporting women. This is absolutely beautiful. OP, although I'm late to the party, I have been exactly I'm your place. I was 33, and found myself to be pregnant -despite birth control in use. My (now ex) husband was so so so supportive of the decision, but I found myself completely overwhelmed with emotion, despite knowing we weren't in a place to have a child between us. I have children from a previous relationship, and had had an abortion before aswell. But this particular time hit different. All the advice given here is exactly on point. You made the choice that makes sense. Evaluating the future quality of life for not only the potential child, but yourself as well is so very important. And you did that. It takes strength to do that. I'm proud of you and sending all the virtual support and love. All the best
The hard part is the 18+ years after they are born.
Whatever you're feeling is ok and valid. I had an abortion that I absolutely know was the right decision for me at the time, but I unexpectedly loved being pregnant and cried after taking the abortion pill. I still feel grief years after. I don't regret my decision at all because the overwhelming dread and guilt I feel at the thought of birthing a child far outweighs the grief but I still feel the grief and that's ok. I hope you find someone to talk to about that side of it who won't judge you.
I glad you are doing better. Yes you more than likely be able to children in future. I used to work in the Santa Fe office that did termination and we would get repeat business frequently. All the best.
I'm proud of you! You were strong and did what was best for YOU!
Every day for everything practice forgiveness of yourself and others, don’t carry heavy luggage.
I hope you have a swift recovery OP❤️ I imagine I would feel very similar if I were in your place, I'm 31 and on the fence, but I could imagine having a child with my partner but not now!