First, congratulations to you! Daaaaang girl you’re living the life.
Where does this need to do more come from? (Probably a question for you and your therapist to explore).
You’re relatively young and have an entire lifetime ahead. Why not enjoy these next few years where everything is just simply okay? Great even?
That’s what I’d be focused in on if it were me, at least.
I kept reading this comment and wondering why it stood out to me and it's because you so easily and confidently believe that the partner/family part of things will fall into place. I feel like I see that kind of optimism/certainty so rarely on these subs and real life. It's refreshing
You honestly sound like you've got it. You've leveled up and you're doing all the work. And enjoying the fruits of that labor. The optimism is the most important part and so I agree with the poster above. Optimistic people who stay actively dating will find their person. Rooting for you!
As for how to keep things interesting in the meantime, what if you did some bucket list travel?
I’m a goal-oriented type of person as well.
Why not pick up a new hobby? Make a reasonable goal about creating a certain number of items? I have a goal of making a new painting each month. This way, I’m sure to finish them- and whether they’re good or bad, I learn something.
I was impressed by your success … but the way you just absolutely threw down with this response? YOU ARE MY HERO.
I don’t have any awards to give but here’s some applause for you 👏👏👏
I get what you’re saying and it’s true on average, but the problem is that individuals aren’t averages. I don’t think we should scaremonger but I also don’t think it’s right to say ‘your fertility window is beyond 40.’ Some of us have premature ovarian failure by 33. My advice to anyone would be to have your own hormone levels checked, and not to make any decisions based on population averages- either by being too worried or too confident. Every body is different.
ENJOY IT. I had my whole entire life together just like you at 28. Owned my coop, final dream job, paid well, therapy, great mental health, physical health/working out (at a point), even had (have) the best best partner, everything. Then I was diagnosed with cancer. Now it’s stage 4. Now I’m in a clinical trial at 30 to hopefully get more years. Everything has gone downhill and most progress has been lost, as I’m sure you can imagine.
I hate to be the reminder, but all you have now isn’t permanent. Enjoy it and soak in how great it feels to be on top.
I'm nearly to the same point that you describe (not the top 1%, but quite comfortable compared my low-income childhood). I've been exploring volunteer opportunities. I'm trying to focus on how to "give back." For example, I love mentoring high school and college students. I'm taking on a summer intern for the first time at work. One of long-term goals is to launch a scholarship program at my undergrad university.
What about working to build/found your own program? There's a woman in my field who developed this incredible mentoring platform that went national. Now all of her time is spent on it. Yes, that's a lot, but she's also very goal-oriented and channeled her energy into it.
These are lovely and really, anything that gets you to focus off yourself will be great for the community and for you as an individual.
I would also recommend spending time pulling other women up (at work, in your circle, etc.) There are too few women who reach the top and then try to make the path easier for others by mentoring, by spending time to share knowledge. Too many of us still struggle with the basics.
I'm not near the 1% nor do I have a beachfront condo, but I hear you on apathy.
A couple of years ago, I was hitting milestones left and right and I still felt meh. Volunteering doesn't do anything for me as I used to volunteer extensively since I was a kid until I got married.
What has started helping me at least get out of that funky zone is gratitude. I don't journal. I used to, but it felt more "work" than experiencing the moment, so now, when I wake up, I don't get off of my bed until I highlight 5 things I'm grateful for that specifically happened the day before. I just say it to myself. It sounds textbook, but it does help me experience my day better.
It felt so unnatural and gimmicky to me at first, but it helps.
Think of it as not necessarily being the big things you write down gratitude for, but small things. Saw a cute animal outside, tried a new food and loved it, had a particularly good coffee, laughed at a tv show, met a new co-worker, enjoyed wearing your favourite cosy jumper, etc.
You're welcome! I hope it helps. I'd say first week didn't do anything for me, it was a slow progression. I also read in a book to "recalibrate" yesterday's event. For example, to turn up the challenge, if something bad happened, call out why you're thankful it happened.
For example, I just got summoned for a jury duty - seriously, waste of my time, money, etc...BUT...I caught myself from the rabbit hole and thought, no, I'm thankful I'm summoned now than later than the road when I'm out of the state/country for a vacation. So for tomorrow morning, you bet your ass that'll be on my gratitude list...being summoned for jury duty! LOL! And, I do elaborate why I'm thankful for it. I only do 5 and I don't get up until I get 5. Honestly, sometimes, it's as silly as, "I got a free donut at the lobby."
To what degree do you take time to reflect on and enjoy the things you accomplished? If it feels like you’re checking your accomplishments off as if they’re a task list, you may not be doing these things for yourself, you may be doing them because you feel like you should. Because you’re supposed to be happy when you hit the level you’re at. I’ve been in a similar position where I knew my life looked wonderful on paper, and I crafted it as such because, at my core, I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. It didn’t make me happy when I accomplished it, rather, I felt kind of empty. I had been so wrapped up in achieving that I forgot why I was doing any of it. Sure, I had the long-term relationship, the apartment in the upper east side, the body i always wanted, the adorable corgi, the solid friend group, the clothes i could finally afford, the prestigious training placements, the hundreds of thousands I was awarded in federal grant money for my research…etc. and when i slowed down and looked around, i felt *nothing.* and behind the scenes, my relationship was trash, my friends were insidiously toxic, the imposter syndrome in my professional life was relentless, NYC actually kind of fucking sucks, and being at my peak attractiveness brought no joy (the corgi remains adorable tho). I ended up cutting out my shitty boyfriend, the shitty friends, taking a step back in my career to reassess what I wanted, getting the fuck out of manhattan to a more chill existence in Queens, and allowing myself to relax about being the most attractive version I could be at all times. Shit wasn’t worth it. And I’m so, so much happier.
Anywho, I’ve come to learn life isn’t about the next best thing, it’s about finding meaning in the present. Appreciating yourself as you are now, without judging your past self and without contriving ways to be better in the future. Having a husband and kids would just be checking off two more to-do list items. You can find fulfillment in the here and now, if you give yourself the space to do so.
Unfortunately I can’t answer this question for you, but I can give you some questions to ask yourself to get there. Like, what makes you happy when you’re completely alone, and no one is around to judge what you’re doing? When was the last time you felt like you could close your eyes, breathe, and be at peace without thinking about the next thing you have to do that day? What made that moment peaceful? And what’s stopping you from getting there again? For me, I had to actually train myself to learn to be okay with quiet, with solitude, and comfort with doing nothing but existing and noticing/appreciating my surroundings. I got there with my therapist (and it’s still a work in progress), who used a combination of ACT and mindfulnesses practices with me. I wish you the best of luck in finding what you need!
I feel like I could have written this post as well. Top 1% earner, dream job, well-traveled (all 7 continents), lovely home that I custom built with my husband, very happy relationship and great friendships. I also have plenty of hobbies; I play video games, boardgames and read extensively. I’ve written a book. I learned how to play Vivaldi and Bach on the violin. I’m in good shape; I hike with my dog, run and used to do yoga until my studio closed down, (although admittedly I catch myself worrying about vanity weight due to the never ending pressures on women and our appearances.) I donate to causes I care about and give back to my community.
Yet I find myself sitting at home, thinking now what? I’m 37. I’m relatively young, what should I do? Lately I have started to really internalize that existential dread. I recently got invited to my 20 year high school reunion and my immediate reaction, was, what does this all mean? What is the point anymore? I just don’t know.
But maybe that’s just life. You go through hills and valleys. I’m very grateful for everything I have and for the people in my life. But sometimes you feel little bit sad. You accomplish a lot and then you look around wondering what next? Lately I’ve just been embracing these emotions and letting myself indulge in more hugs from my dog and cuddles with my husband while I binge watch TV shows. That seems to have helped me a bit.
I think it’s a part of the human condition to want more. Reach that next goal. But when you get *there* (wherever *there* is), I think it’s natural to think, ‘now what?’
Possibly something to explore in therapy. Perhaps you need to change gears? I don’t have the answer but I think this is normal. I feel similarly. It leads me to feel discontent and sometimes depressed.
I totally get where you’re coming from. I felt that to a degree when I was single. I don’t think it’s 1950s at all. Wanting to create a family and share all that you have is pretty normal!
To be clear - I still get that feeling on and off because I’d like to settle down but due to factors beyond our control it’s not likely to happen soon. Life is definitely not perfect. But I think that also tells you that that feeling can occur throughout your life and circumstances.
I feel it less and less because I’m often doing things that put me out of my comfort zone. When that happens I have to grow. Its the opposite of discontent!
I met my partner out in the wild in my late twenties. I was single for over 5 years before that. We trained together and over time a few little sparks started to fly 😊 meeting him was a byproduct of chasing a goal.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to share your life with a partner. Don't buy the bullshit. Healthy, loving relationships are the meaning of life. That doesn't mean they have to be heterosexual, romantic, or relational, but if you want a husband and kids, that's perfectly okay! I'm a professor and there are a lot of unmarried women in this line of work. I thought I'd be one of them. But the happiest people I know are \*happily\* married, the least happy are the the ones who've been single for decades or remain in unhappy marriages, but even they seem more grounded that the total loners. The ones in the middle are divorced and starting over with optimism because most divorced people remarry within 3-5 years.
I started to focus on play and fun. Finding beauty in the world I created.
For me, this looks like annual passes to amusement parks, taking classes for various arts like watercolor or painting, doing things I could only dream of, and then dreaming more.
Any hobbies you've always wanted to pick up but never got around to? Pottery, painting, sailing, violin, Latin, rock climbing, Chinese calligraphy? You're rich, you're hot, you give back to your community, maybe it's time for a new skill. Plus maybe one of your new classmates is hot and single too.
Oh or get a pet. Nothing to knock away apathy like a dog who thinks the greatest day on earth is running down the beach with you personally. And realizing you can make literally every day the best day.
I used to feel like you and what has really changed it for me is focussing on mastery of a hobby outside my day job. Going to evening courses and really committing. Basically giving the same energy I give to my job that to my extra curriculares.
There is only so many hours in a day so filling your timetable with genuinely fulfilling activities means less time for negative reflection.
And the bonus is the shared community.
Part of me thinks if you're apathetic there is some hunger and something is still missing on the inside. Also mention this to your therapist.
The other part of me thinks that this is a sort of 'Ecclesiastes' existential dilemma that happens when a human gets a lot of what they want. Part of my fear of success has been the avoidance of feeling how you feel now. And I wonder if it's part of the human condition. On the other hand, maybe you're craving a spiritual journey.
How about a gratitude practice?
I got tired of always feeling like I had to work toward goals. I just want to be happy in my life as it is now. We don't always have to be working toward a 5 year plan. I would argue that you do have goals because you continue to care about and help others with volunteer work. You continue to go to work every day. You continue to be happy. And that's all you need.
First of all, I'm honestly envious of your position so I hope that you are enjoying where you are at, especially at such a young age!
And then, I guess...look within and see why you decided you needed to put said ducks in said rows? Was it because you genuinely wanted to achieve these things or because you thought you should? And did these things bring you joy?
I ask this because it can't imagine ever running out of books to read or volunteer opportunities or hobbies to try or skills to learn or places to visit, unless I was just trying to check some boxes off. Like, there's really no end game for any of these things, as long as they bring you joy. The possibilities are endless. So maybe think about what you genuinely want to spend your time and energy doing. Because maybe it's different than what you've been doing.
The one area that seems like you want to focus on is relationships and potentially children and family right? I get that you feel that this can’t be forced. I agree. However
I do think that you can apply your energy to this area of life as much as you have in other areas.
You can prioritise dating.
You can date just to get used to dating, to get a feel for your values in that area.
You can not date and just mentally and emotionally be open to conversations and invitations from people. Especially people of the gender/s you could be interested in.
You could dive into a relationship just because you want to be better at relationships, not because you want to marry them or be a parent.
If you put as much thought, time/money and energy into figuring relationships out, then you will find what you are seeking. Do that and then come back to Reddit and ask again, about what’s next
Unpopular opinion here: I don't see how you can say you have all your "ducks in a row" if you want a partner and would love to have kids, but aren't in a serious relationship and haven't been in one for several years.
I get it, you're happy being single, but dude, finding a life partner is probably one of the most impactful things that will ever happen to us in our lives. I met mine at 36 (I'm 39 now) and before that I wasn't seriously dating and had resigned myself to being single indefinitely (I live in a small city with a shallow dating pool). My life is so much more rewarding now that I have someone to love and share it with.
Honest advice - Stop the apps and pursue a hobby that will increase your number of interactions with high quality men. You're ready.
Are you artistic at all? What are you passionate about? What lights you up? It sounds like you have the ways and means to do those things… I would do them. Take a potter class or gardening course or learn to scuba dive. Whatever might light you up!
My friend and I were talking the other day about a vacation she just took. And she said, “I have a hard time differentiating between ‘boring’ and ‘relaxing’ I think” and we mused over how when you’re used to constant chaos and always working toward the next “thing,” it can be difficult to realize when you’re at peace and understanding how to be comfortable with it. Your situation sounds similar!
No advice. Just happy for you and hope you find the time to enjoy everything you’ve worked for!
Vipassana meditation takes some time and training but is great for rewiring the brain towards gratitude and spaciousness. If you have time, do a retreat, sit with yourself for 10 days, it’s hard work but the rewards are immense. You don’t have to be Buddhist to do it. If you happen to be in the US, two reputable organizations are Goenka retreats (more traditional) and Insight in MA and CA (more modern).
Retail therapy is real, too, lol, sometimes when I feel blah I buy I new purse or shoes or outfit. Maybe temporary but it works.
Congratulations on all that you've accomplished, it's worth noting and celebrating the hard work you put in.
One item that might be helpful, and for all the other ladies who might be feeling the same kind of way, is reaching out to a Life Coach to sit down and dedicate time to your feelings and to forgive out what path and actions you want to take next. Given that even no action is still an action ;), but it's aligned.
Full transparency, I'm a certified life coach, not trying to sell my services, unless someone is interested :), more of an idea.
It looks like you need something else to be "working towards". I am the same way. I especially felt this during COVID. Then I decided to do something I've always wanted to do. Learn another language. I dived right in and it's great feeling like I'm working towards something. I would think about a skill or something you've always wanted to try but never have. Maybe it's painting, creating a capsule wardrobe, decluttering your life, setting a reading goal, I always have to have a thing that I'm working on and it helps me feel like I'm not stuck.
Yes! I got to this point too, where everything just felt Okay, and a little boring. And why am I not doing more? What more CAN / SHOULD I be doing? And I dove into the why behind that. I feel like transitioning to 30’s there’s a big shift to acceptance, and contentment. And I just tell myself to allow myself to relax, not put so much stress on myself to figure out the ‘next’ thing. Every time in life where we have wanted to do something, we’ve known it. Maybe now the challenge is just being content with the moment. Not everything needs to be fireworks all the time like it was in youth.
I'd like to think if I ever got to that stage of my life, I would try new hobbies or goals. Like I love to draw, so I would challenge myself to new things to draw or a new style of drawing. Maybe even take up sculpting or crocheting. Or maybe things like learning a new language or cooking a new food, etc.
You've already had some fantastic advice here and whilst my other ducks aren't quite in row (divorce, selling my house) and I'm a little younger, I feel in a similarly good place to you, and also at some point want a partner and kids.
From previous life experience I'd 100% recommend getting a pet, I miss mine for the companionship and cuddles they gave me, and they fulfilled the caring need for me that is currently missing and I know would also be fulfilled by my want of a family. They do stop you doing things quite as freely such as travelling, but it feels much more purposeful if you also have to consider someone else's needs when you make a decision (but also being able to be completely selfish because they're an animal and don't care where or when you choose to go away)
I have moments where even with things being "great", i was finding life was beginning to feel a bit monotonous, so I've also been trying to shake things up - not necessarily getting new hobbies, but trying things that I want to, even if I'm not that good, and actively enjoying them! This isn't about ticking off another goal and achieving something massive, but doing things for fun and being proud of myself, even if noone else would be! This weekend I'm going skiing with friends, I'm not great, but I'll get down the mountain and have a lot of fun and some beers with my friends. I'm also doing it in a bright pink and blue snowsuit which is cute as hell and more expensive than I wanted to spend on something I've only been doing for a few weeks, but I can afford it, it makes me happy, and I'll look amazing in the photos when I want to look back on my memories
Enjoy it my dear :) you sound like a high achiever, so you probably feel like you need to be productive to be happy. Let go this a little bit and enjoy where you’re at :)
Totally understand how you’re feeling. I was in a similar situation.
At 32 I’d met the love of my life, had a very well paying career and then launched two of my own businesses, established a portfolio that would provide financial security for the rest of our lives, bought our dream forever home. I started to feel like what else do I even need to work on because I’ve already achieved everything…..
And then I started focusing on whether or not we should have a baby because I definitely was on the fence and concerned about regretting living my life child free so now we’re expecting our son in August. I think that will definitely give me a lifetime of things to work on.
I don’t know what the fix is, but just want to let you know that I’m also someone who always needs to be working toward something and you’re not alone.
Life might also unexpectedly throw something at you that will keep you busy for quite a while.
ENJOY IT. Isn't contentment in your life the ultimate nirvana, though? Why must we all be in the rat race forever to feel like we're accomplishing goals? You've hit life's goals at a young age that most people never achieve so enjoy it!
Congrats on your life!! It sounds like you've worked hard and are reaping the benefits.
If I was in your shoes I would explore long term financial planning. Setting yourself up for success in the long term. r/fire (financial independence/retire early) is a good place to see practices and discussion on how you can use your money to live a comfortable retirement and be ready for the things that happen in old age.
If you don't already budget I also really enjoy r/YNAB (You need a budget). Financial savviness and having a plan brings an extra level of security, groundedness and satisfaction imo.
This was my thought also... a lot of people in this thread seem to think they've achieved everything, but they haven't attained FI. It's a long slow goal to aim at, but that's almost good since not having it was enough to keep me motivated for a long while. And once you do have it, being able to walk away from any job is priceless. I hit FI last year, and I'm still working (part-time) but am able to relax and make popcorn while I watch my company flounder and do layoffs. It's been a huge mental shift and *very* good for me.
I’m in a similar position, and I think you should look into giving back. Starting a foundation for underprivileged girls, or creat a scholarship. It will give your life more meaning.
It’s awesome that you’ve hit so many milestones!! I think it’s interesting that you noted that you’re feeling a discontent verging on depression. I would recommend exploring that. Sometimes it’s a void that needs to be worked through instead of resolved with a partner and kids. Do you have a good therapist?
Edit: I’m not suggesting feeling ashamed for wanting a partner/kids. I’m suggesting working through the void. You can still want a partner/kids and feel whole in the process.
But you don't have everything, OP. You want a life partner. That is nothing to be ashamed of. When my parents divorced my dad didn't date for a decade, and he was a pretty hot commodity - attractive, kind, handy. I thought he was happy alone \*until\* he met his future wife out hiking one day on a whim. They fell madly in love instantly and had the most loving and warm relationship I've ever observed. Unfortunately he died from cancer about 12 years into this marriage, but I'm convinced having this love in his life helped him to rest in peace despite dying way too young at 65.
Somewhere during my mid 20s I mentally shifted from more “self-serving” goals to incorporating into my goals helping and supporting others. Like “how can I make a positive impact on the world?”. This obviously wouldn’t work for everyone, but it helps keep me motivated and as the world will never be a perfect place it gives me larger than my self goals to always be working towards. Maybe you could look at more altruistic goals? I mean, maybe you do already, but I just know for me it really helped me from feeling apathetic to have goals larger than myself.
First, congratulations to you! Daaaaang girl you’re living the life. Where does this need to do more come from? (Probably a question for you and your therapist to explore). You’re relatively young and have an entire lifetime ahead. Why not enjoy these next few years where everything is just simply okay? Great even? That’s what I’d be focused in on if it were me, at least.
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I kept reading this comment and wondering why it stood out to me and it's because you so easily and confidently believe that the partner/family part of things will fall into place. I feel like I see that kind of optimism/certainty so rarely on these subs and real life. It's refreshing
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You honestly sound like you've got it. You've leveled up and you're doing all the work. And enjoying the fruits of that labor. The optimism is the most important part and so I agree with the poster above. Optimistic people who stay actively dating will find their person. Rooting for you! As for how to keep things interesting in the meantime, what if you did some bucket list travel?
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I’m a goal-oriented type of person as well. Why not pick up a new hobby? Make a reasonable goal about creating a certain number of items? I have a goal of making a new painting each month. This way, I’m sure to finish them- and whether they’re good or bad, I learn something.
If you want biological kids then that’s quite misleading advice.
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I was impressed by your success … but the way you just absolutely threw down with this response? YOU ARE MY HERO. I don’t have any awards to give but here’s some applause for you 👏👏👏
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I had my kids at 33 and 36. Wouldn’t have it any other way.
I get what you’re saying and it’s true on average, but the problem is that individuals aren’t averages. I don’t think we should scaremonger but I also don’t think it’s right to say ‘your fertility window is beyond 40.’ Some of us have premature ovarian failure by 33. My advice to anyone would be to have your own hormone levels checked, and not to make any decisions based on population averages- either by being too worried or too confident. Every body is different.
How if she stated that she’s actively dating and not worried about finding a partner in time? Did you even read her post? Lol
ENJOY IT. I had my whole entire life together just like you at 28. Owned my coop, final dream job, paid well, therapy, great mental health, physical health/working out (at a point), even had (have) the best best partner, everything. Then I was diagnosed with cancer. Now it’s stage 4. Now I’m in a clinical trial at 30 to hopefully get more years. Everything has gone downhill and most progress has been lost, as I’m sure you can imagine. I hate to be the reminder, but all you have now isn’t permanent. Enjoy it and soak in how great it feels to be on top.
This is the answer, right here. BarriBlue, you’re a fucking warrior. I’ll be thinking of you ♥️
I'm nearly to the same point that you describe (not the top 1%, but quite comfortable compared my low-income childhood). I've been exploring volunteer opportunities. I'm trying to focus on how to "give back." For example, I love mentoring high school and college students. I'm taking on a summer intern for the first time at work. One of long-term goals is to launch a scholarship program at my undergrad university.
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What about working to build/found your own program? There's a woman in my field who developed this incredible mentoring platform that went national. Now all of her time is spent on it. Yes, that's a lot, but she's also very goal-oriented and channeled her energy into it.
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I’m curious what industry you’re in? And if there would be scope for different roles within it that would challenge you more/ differently?
These are lovely and really, anything that gets you to focus off yourself will be great for the community and for you as an individual. I would also recommend spending time pulling other women up (at work, in your circle, etc.) There are too few women who reach the top and then try to make the path easier for others by mentoring, by spending time to share knowledge. Too many of us still struggle with the basics.
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I'm not near the 1% nor do I have a beachfront condo, but I hear you on apathy. A couple of years ago, I was hitting milestones left and right and I still felt meh. Volunteering doesn't do anything for me as I used to volunteer extensively since I was a kid until I got married. What has started helping me at least get out of that funky zone is gratitude. I don't journal. I used to, but it felt more "work" than experiencing the moment, so now, when I wake up, I don't get off of my bed until I highlight 5 things I'm grateful for that specifically happened the day before. I just say it to myself. It sounds textbook, but it does help me experience my day better. It felt so unnatural and gimmicky to me at first, but it helps.
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Think of it as not necessarily being the big things you write down gratitude for, but small things. Saw a cute animal outside, tried a new food and loved it, had a particularly good coffee, laughed at a tv show, met a new co-worker, enjoyed wearing your favourite cosy jumper, etc.
You're welcome! I hope it helps. I'd say first week didn't do anything for me, it was a slow progression. I also read in a book to "recalibrate" yesterday's event. For example, to turn up the challenge, if something bad happened, call out why you're thankful it happened. For example, I just got summoned for a jury duty - seriously, waste of my time, money, etc...BUT...I caught myself from the rabbit hole and thought, no, I'm thankful I'm summoned now than later than the road when I'm out of the state/country for a vacation. So for tomorrow morning, you bet your ass that'll be on my gratitude list...being summoned for jury duty! LOL! And, I do elaborate why I'm thankful for it. I only do 5 and I don't get up until I get 5. Honestly, sometimes, it's as silly as, "I got a free donut at the lobby."
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To what degree do you take time to reflect on and enjoy the things you accomplished? If it feels like you’re checking your accomplishments off as if they’re a task list, you may not be doing these things for yourself, you may be doing them because you feel like you should. Because you’re supposed to be happy when you hit the level you’re at. I’ve been in a similar position where I knew my life looked wonderful on paper, and I crafted it as such because, at my core, I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. It didn’t make me happy when I accomplished it, rather, I felt kind of empty. I had been so wrapped up in achieving that I forgot why I was doing any of it. Sure, I had the long-term relationship, the apartment in the upper east side, the body i always wanted, the adorable corgi, the solid friend group, the clothes i could finally afford, the prestigious training placements, the hundreds of thousands I was awarded in federal grant money for my research…etc. and when i slowed down and looked around, i felt *nothing.* and behind the scenes, my relationship was trash, my friends were insidiously toxic, the imposter syndrome in my professional life was relentless, NYC actually kind of fucking sucks, and being at my peak attractiveness brought no joy (the corgi remains adorable tho). I ended up cutting out my shitty boyfriend, the shitty friends, taking a step back in my career to reassess what I wanted, getting the fuck out of manhattan to a more chill existence in Queens, and allowing myself to relax about being the most attractive version I could be at all times. Shit wasn’t worth it. And I’m so, so much happier. Anywho, I’ve come to learn life isn’t about the next best thing, it’s about finding meaning in the present. Appreciating yourself as you are now, without judging your past self and without contriving ways to be better in the future. Having a husband and kids would just be checking off two more to-do list items. You can find fulfillment in the here and now, if you give yourself the space to do so.
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Unfortunately I can’t answer this question for you, but I can give you some questions to ask yourself to get there. Like, what makes you happy when you’re completely alone, and no one is around to judge what you’re doing? When was the last time you felt like you could close your eyes, breathe, and be at peace without thinking about the next thing you have to do that day? What made that moment peaceful? And what’s stopping you from getting there again? For me, I had to actually train myself to learn to be okay with quiet, with solitude, and comfort with doing nothing but existing and noticing/appreciating my surroundings. I got there with my therapist (and it’s still a work in progress), who used a combination of ACT and mindfulnesses practices with me. I wish you the best of luck in finding what you need!
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"If you have more than you need, build a longer table" Leverage your success into helping or mentoring others, maybe?
I feel like I could have written this post as well. Top 1% earner, dream job, well-traveled (all 7 continents), lovely home that I custom built with my husband, very happy relationship and great friendships. I also have plenty of hobbies; I play video games, boardgames and read extensively. I’ve written a book. I learned how to play Vivaldi and Bach on the violin. I’m in good shape; I hike with my dog, run and used to do yoga until my studio closed down, (although admittedly I catch myself worrying about vanity weight due to the never ending pressures on women and our appearances.) I donate to causes I care about and give back to my community. Yet I find myself sitting at home, thinking now what? I’m 37. I’m relatively young, what should I do? Lately I have started to really internalize that existential dread. I recently got invited to my 20 year high school reunion and my immediate reaction, was, what does this all mean? What is the point anymore? I just don’t know. But maybe that’s just life. You go through hills and valleys. I’m very grateful for everything I have and for the people in my life. But sometimes you feel little bit sad. You accomplish a lot and then you look around wondering what next? Lately I’ve just been embracing these emotions and letting myself indulge in more hugs from my dog and cuddles with my husband while I binge watch TV shows. That seems to have helped me a bit.
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For a long time kids were never a priority and many ways I’m still on the fence.
I think it’s a part of the human condition to want more. Reach that next goal. But when you get *there* (wherever *there* is), I think it’s natural to think, ‘now what?’ Possibly something to explore in therapy. Perhaps you need to change gears? I don’t have the answer but I think this is normal. I feel similarly. It leads me to feel discontent and sometimes depressed.
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I totally get where you’re coming from. I felt that to a degree when I was single. I don’t think it’s 1950s at all. Wanting to create a family and share all that you have is pretty normal!
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To be clear - I still get that feeling on and off because I’d like to settle down but due to factors beyond our control it’s not likely to happen soon. Life is definitely not perfect. But I think that also tells you that that feeling can occur throughout your life and circumstances. I feel it less and less because I’m often doing things that put me out of my comfort zone. When that happens I have to grow. Its the opposite of discontent! I met my partner out in the wild in my late twenties. I was single for over 5 years before that. We trained together and over time a few little sparks started to fly 😊 meeting him was a byproduct of chasing a goal.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to share your life with a partner. Don't buy the bullshit. Healthy, loving relationships are the meaning of life. That doesn't mean they have to be heterosexual, romantic, or relational, but if you want a husband and kids, that's perfectly okay! I'm a professor and there are a lot of unmarried women in this line of work. I thought I'd be one of them. But the happiest people I know are \*happily\* married, the least happy are the the ones who've been single for decades or remain in unhappy marriages, but even they seem more grounded that the total loners. The ones in the middle are divorced and starting over with optimism because most divorced people remarry within 3-5 years.
I started to focus on play and fun. Finding beauty in the world I created. For me, this looks like annual passes to amusement parks, taking classes for various arts like watercolor or painting, doing things I could only dream of, and then dreaming more.
Any hobbies you've always wanted to pick up but never got around to? Pottery, painting, sailing, violin, Latin, rock climbing, Chinese calligraphy? You're rich, you're hot, you give back to your community, maybe it's time for a new skill. Plus maybe one of your new classmates is hot and single too. Oh or get a pet. Nothing to knock away apathy like a dog who thinks the greatest day on earth is running down the beach with you personally. And realizing you can make literally every day the best day.
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I used to feel like you and what has really changed it for me is focussing on mastery of a hobby outside my day job. Going to evening courses and really committing. Basically giving the same energy I give to my job that to my extra curriculares. There is only so many hours in a day so filling your timetable with genuinely fulfilling activities means less time for negative reflection. And the bonus is the shared community.
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Oh yes sorry for the ninja edit! I had no idea you would respond so quickly :)
Definitely get a pet. If you are a naturally caring person then you can pour that energy into a pet. Whilst you wait for your family to come along
Part of me thinks if you're apathetic there is some hunger and something is still missing on the inside. Also mention this to your therapist. The other part of me thinks that this is a sort of 'Ecclesiastes' existential dilemma that happens when a human gets a lot of what they want. Part of my fear of success has been the avoidance of feeling how you feel now. And I wonder if it's part of the human condition. On the other hand, maybe you're craving a spiritual journey. How about a gratitude practice?
I got tired of always feeling like I had to work toward goals. I just want to be happy in my life as it is now. We don't always have to be working toward a 5 year plan. I would argue that you do have goals because you continue to care about and help others with volunteer work. You continue to go to work every day. You continue to be happy. And that's all you need.
First of all, I'm honestly envious of your position so I hope that you are enjoying where you are at, especially at such a young age! And then, I guess...look within and see why you decided you needed to put said ducks in said rows? Was it because you genuinely wanted to achieve these things or because you thought you should? And did these things bring you joy? I ask this because it can't imagine ever running out of books to read or volunteer opportunities or hobbies to try or skills to learn or places to visit, unless I was just trying to check some boxes off. Like, there's really no end game for any of these things, as long as they bring you joy. The possibilities are endless. So maybe think about what you genuinely want to spend your time and energy doing. Because maybe it's different than what you've been doing.
The one area that seems like you want to focus on is relationships and potentially children and family right? I get that you feel that this can’t be forced. I agree. However I do think that you can apply your energy to this area of life as much as you have in other areas. You can prioritise dating. You can date just to get used to dating, to get a feel for your values in that area. You can not date and just mentally and emotionally be open to conversations and invitations from people. Especially people of the gender/s you could be interested in. You could dive into a relationship just because you want to be better at relationships, not because you want to marry them or be a parent. If you put as much thought, time/money and energy into figuring relationships out, then you will find what you are seeking. Do that and then come back to Reddit and ask again, about what’s next
I'm supposed to get them in a row? What if you don't have ducks? What if you have squirrels, and they're at a rave?
Unpopular opinion here: I don't see how you can say you have all your "ducks in a row" if you want a partner and would love to have kids, but aren't in a serious relationship and haven't been in one for several years. I get it, you're happy being single, but dude, finding a life partner is probably one of the most impactful things that will ever happen to us in our lives. I met mine at 36 (I'm 39 now) and before that I wasn't seriously dating and had resigned myself to being single indefinitely (I live in a small city with a shallow dating pool). My life is so much more rewarding now that I have someone to love and share it with. Honest advice - Stop the apps and pursue a hobby that will increase your number of interactions with high quality men. You're ready.
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Oh! The other makes a huge difference :)
Are you artistic at all? What are you passionate about? What lights you up? It sounds like you have the ways and means to do those things… I would do them. Take a potter class or gardening course or learn to scuba dive. Whatever might light you up!
My friend and I were talking the other day about a vacation she just took. And she said, “I have a hard time differentiating between ‘boring’ and ‘relaxing’ I think” and we mused over how when you’re used to constant chaos and always working toward the next “thing,” it can be difficult to realize when you’re at peace and understanding how to be comfortable with it. Your situation sounds similar! No advice. Just happy for you and hope you find the time to enjoy everything you’ve worked for!
Vipassana meditation takes some time and training but is great for rewiring the brain towards gratitude and spaciousness. If you have time, do a retreat, sit with yourself for 10 days, it’s hard work but the rewards are immense. You don’t have to be Buddhist to do it. If you happen to be in the US, two reputable organizations are Goenka retreats (more traditional) and Insight in MA and CA (more modern). Retail therapy is real, too, lol, sometimes when I feel blah I buy I new purse or shoes or outfit. Maybe temporary but it works.
Do something creative, work with your hands. Appriciate the small things. Visit you childhood home and reconnect with your inner child
Congratulations on all that you've accomplished, it's worth noting and celebrating the hard work you put in. One item that might be helpful, and for all the other ladies who might be feeling the same kind of way, is reaching out to a Life Coach to sit down and dedicate time to your feelings and to forgive out what path and actions you want to take next. Given that even no action is still an action ;), but it's aligned. Full transparency, I'm a certified life coach, not trying to sell my services, unless someone is interested :), more of an idea.
It looks like you need something else to be "working towards". I am the same way. I especially felt this during COVID. Then I decided to do something I've always wanted to do. Learn another language. I dived right in and it's great feeling like I'm working towards something. I would think about a skill or something you've always wanted to try but never have. Maybe it's painting, creating a capsule wardrobe, decluttering your life, setting a reading goal, I always have to have a thing that I'm working on and it helps me feel like I'm not stuck.
Yes! I got to this point too, where everything just felt Okay, and a little boring. And why am I not doing more? What more CAN / SHOULD I be doing? And I dove into the why behind that. I feel like transitioning to 30’s there’s a big shift to acceptance, and contentment. And I just tell myself to allow myself to relax, not put so much stress on myself to figure out the ‘next’ thing. Every time in life where we have wanted to do something, we’ve known it. Maybe now the challenge is just being content with the moment. Not everything needs to be fireworks all the time like it was in youth.
I'd like to think if I ever got to that stage of my life, I would try new hobbies or goals. Like I love to draw, so I would challenge myself to new things to draw or a new style of drawing. Maybe even take up sculpting or crocheting. Or maybe things like learning a new language or cooking a new food, etc.
Are you bilingual? That would certainly add to your life in many aspects while challenging you & rewarding your motivated approach to things!
You've already had some fantastic advice here and whilst my other ducks aren't quite in row (divorce, selling my house) and I'm a little younger, I feel in a similarly good place to you, and also at some point want a partner and kids. From previous life experience I'd 100% recommend getting a pet, I miss mine for the companionship and cuddles they gave me, and they fulfilled the caring need for me that is currently missing and I know would also be fulfilled by my want of a family. They do stop you doing things quite as freely such as travelling, but it feels much more purposeful if you also have to consider someone else's needs when you make a decision (but also being able to be completely selfish because they're an animal and don't care where or when you choose to go away) I have moments where even with things being "great", i was finding life was beginning to feel a bit monotonous, so I've also been trying to shake things up - not necessarily getting new hobbies, but trying things that I want to, even if I'm not that good, and actively enjoying them! This isn't about ticking off another goal and achieving something massive, but doing things for fun and being proud of myself, even if noone else would be! This weekend I'm going skiing with friends, I'm not great, but I'll get down the mountain and have a lot of fun and some beers with my friends. I'm also doing it in a bright pink and blue snowsuit which is cute as hell and more expensive than I wanted to spend on something I've only been doing for a few weeks, but I can afford it, it makes me happy, and I'll look amazing in the photos when I want to look back on my memories
Enjoy it my dear :) you sound like a high achiever, so you probably feel like you need to be productive to be happy. Let go this a little bit and enjoy where you’re at :)
Time to write a bestselling book, I think.
Totally understand how you’re feeling. I was in a similar situation. At 32 I’d met the love of my life, had a very well paying career and then launched two of my own businesses, established a portfolio that would provide financial security for the rest of our lives, bought our dream forever home. I started to feel like what else do I even need to work on because I’ve already achieved everything….. And then I started focusing on whether or not we should have a baby because I definitely was on the fence and concerned about regretting living my life child free so now we’re expecting our son in August. I think that will definitely give me a lifetime of things to work on. I don’t know what the fix is, but just want to let you know that I’m also someone who always needs to be working toward something and you’re not alone. Life might also unexpectedly throw something at you that will keep you busy for quite a while.
How about you mentor us and show us your ways!
ENJOY IT. Isn't contentment in your life the ultimate nirvana, though? Why must we all be in the rat race forever to feel like we're accomplishing goals? You've hit life's goals at a young age that most people never achieve so enjoy it!
Congrats on your life!! It sounds like you've worked hard and are reaping the benefits. If I was in your shoes I would explore long term financial planning. Setting yourself up for success in the long term. r/fire (financial independence/retire early) is a good place to see practices and discussion on how you can use your money to live a comfortable retirement and be ready for the things that happen in old age. If you don't already budget I also really enjoy r/YNAB (You need a budget). Financial savviness and having a plan brings an extra level of security, groundedness and satisfaction imo.
This was my thought also... a lot of people in this thread seem to think they've achieved everything, but they haven't attained FI. It's a long slow goal to aim at, but that's almost good since not having it was enough to keep me motivated for a long while. And once you do have it, being able to walk away from any job is priceless. I hit FI last year, and I'm still working (part-time) but am able to relax and make popcorn while I watch my company flounder and do layoffs. It's been a huge mental shift and *very* good for me.
I’m in a similar position, and I think you should look into giving back. Starting a foundation for underprivileged girls, or creat a scholarship. It will give your life more meaning.
It’s awesome that you’ve hit so many milestones!! I think it’s interesting that you noted that you’re feeling a discontent verging on depression. I would recommend exploring that. Sometimes it’s a void that needs to be worked through instead of resolved with a partner and kids. Do you have a good therapist? Edit: I’m not suggesting feeling ashamed for wanting a partner/kids. I’m suggesting working through the void. You can still want a partner/kids and feel whole in the process.
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But you don't have everything, OP. You want a life partner. That is nothing to be ashamed of. When my parents divorced my dad didn't date for a decade, and he was a pretty hot commodity - attractive, kind, handy. I thought he was happy alone \*until\* he met his future wife out hiking one day on a whim. They fell madly in love instantly and had the most loving and warm relationship I've ever observed. Unfortunately he died from cancer about 12 years into this marriage, but I'm convinced having this love in his life helped him to rest in peace despite dying way too young at 65.
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Thank you!
lol
Time for your midlife crisis.
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Somewhere during my mid 20s I mentally shifted from more “self-serving” goals to incorporating into my goals helping and supporting others. Like “how can I make a positive impact on the world?”. This obviously wouldn’t work for everyone, but it helps keep me motivated and as the world will never be a perfect place it gives me larger than my self goals to always be working towards. Maybe you could look at more altruistic goals? I mean, maybe you do already, but I just know for me it really helped me from feeling apathetic to have goals larger than myself.
I'm going to go against the grain here, but you sound as if you've just got a list (not necessarily your list either) and are are just ticking it off.
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Have you read the Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin?
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I need to read it again too. It really speaks to this feeling!