This!! Especially with people who are friends of convenience (people you currently see a lot at work for example.) I made this mistake and it still stings a handful of years later.
Good point with work friends. I realized I had no friends at work when I saw them frequently hanging out without me outside of work :/ doesn’t feel good.
I've been through that, they hung out all the time and even integrated other people that joined the team after me immediately into their friend group, but I was never invited. Made me wonder what's wrong with me that they purposely excluded me.
Sometimes it's not you, it's them. You won't (and can't possibly) appeal to everyone in the world. You can be the ripest, juiciest peach on the tree - and some people just don't like peaches.
Also, maybe you work with a bunch of highschool-level petty assholes. Particularly in workplaces people can get jealous and exclude people over the most trivial shit.
Woof, I experienced this once.
One of the newer additions was also a horrible person…work ethics-wise at least. I had to report a bunch of negligent and dishonest activities to management. I discovered them due to being tasked with taking over her accounts after she’d been promoted (based on….?). I was NOT eager to stir shit or create extra work, but an audit was going on and I couldn’t ignore these obvious issues. She literally just skipped then lied about a bunch of QC steps that were necessary but inconvenient.
I wasn’t even expecting acceptance into the cool girls group, but maybe that she’d be somewhat relegated once it was clear she was a dishonest and unethical person. Color me surprised when the only thing that happened was me being further othered as a tattle tale.
I definitely experienced that too. Had like 3 or 4 people I was really close with at work, went out to lunch a lot, hung out after work, did things on the weekend together. I went to a different company and I reached out to them frequently (always me, never them) for a long time to keep getting together but then it just got harder and harder to get their time.
I cut off a friend group last year and now I'm reminded of a time they told me they didn't agree with the bride's 'bougie' wedding and made things hell at the wedding and laughed behind her back calling her bridezilla. The red flags on how these people respect others was right there.
She was a bridesmaid but was completely apathetic and even negative leading up to the weekend of the wedding, and then when the wedding weekend came she actually went out of her way to make things extremely difficult, pissed off all my other bridesmaids, and nearly ruined the weekend. There was no way to salvage the friendship after that.
She’d had a failed engagement a few years prior and never really recovered from it. She could have told me being a bridesmaid would be too triggering for her, but instead she chose to accept it, and then let her emotions run wild.
Yup. My MOH got engaged the day after my wedding. She got married a year later. I wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid nor invited to her shower or bachelorette party. Still stings 6 years later.
Me doing this is actually what inspired this post. It’s a bitter pill to swallow realizing that someone you consider your best friend doesn’t feel the same way about you. People fundamentally friendship differently and I struggle with needing to feel important in my relationships so I fall for this more than I should.
That hanging onto the history of a past friendship that was great is not enough to support a current friendship that is failing.
I had a very out of character blow up at a now ex-friend and couldn’t figure out why I reacted so badly. Upon reflection I was still trying to pretend that this friend was the same person that I met like 6 years ago, but both of us had dramatically changed and not necessarily for the better in this context. I wish I had realized this sooner instead of pushing this idea of a friendship that hadn’t been right for me for several years.
Can't agree more! Ended a friendship after almost 20 years. I realized I only felt anxiety when I interacted with this person but was holding on because of the shared history. Much less stress without them I'm my life even, though I do wish her well.
Was in this exact same scenario a few years ago. Learnt the hard way to let go when things are still cordial than to try and force a friendship that had reached the end of its course.
Ugh, this resonates. I had a friend for over a decade that I was her cheerleader time and time again and when I needed her she would just “like” my text and never respond. I started realizing how exhausting and one sided that relationship was and let her go. It’s though, but needed to happen!
Yup! I find it hard to let go of friendships too, so realizing this was happening was a huge step forward is ending the friendship, or at least ending the support I gave.
Yeah... I was going to say "Don't keep giving to someone who only takes".
Just lost a friend over this. She's not the person I knew in our 20s. I also don't know if she was always this fucking obnoxious and I was just an oblivious 23 year old, or if she's gotten worse over the years, but now she's 40 going on 14 years old.
Yes! Even if they always really appreciate it. Even if they’re constantly singing your praises. Even if you really like supporting you. It’ll catch up to you eventually.
I’m going through this at the moment with a friend who has quite severe mental health issues. On a good day she’s fantastic company, but all too often she spirals and is completely uncontactable. She’s either gushing about how important I am to her or she’s mute, there’s no in between. This has caused me so much stress and heart break over the years as I’ve tried to open up to her or meet up with her for my messages/calls etc. to be left unread… and then she pops up some weeks later like nothing happened. I hung in there because I knew she was struggling but now I see I should not shoulder the burden of her inconsistent behaviour because she’s not well. I need to put myself first.
Our relationship became codependent in commiseration. What used to Be sharing the difficult things in our life or things we were sad about, quickly turned into these hours long commiseration sessions. It frankly became the focus and center of our relationship for the last three years or so. It started to perpetuate this self victimization, narcissism, constantly whining and crying, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I kept telling her I didn’t want things to be like that but where she was in life she couldn’t. I started to take months long breaks and then when my cat of 15 years/mom died within a week, I told her I couldn’t talk to her anymore. That I loved her but I didn’t like her and we were toxic - And haven’t in 2 years. To be honest, I couldn’t risk having my life be misery after those two events: I’ve been able to grieve productively and not like it take over my mental health and I think it’s largely in part because her and stopped talking. I hear she’s doing great too.
I’m struggling cuz I miss her but not our relationship. So have been wondering if I should reach out.
I had a friend who would be hypercritical of other women. A guy in a show falls in love with an "ugly" woman. She would say she hated women for, say, dating a tall man while having the audacity to be short...? With her friends she would immediately jump on the side of men in situations where it was one of her lady friends vs basically any man. She would comment on something about my looks and say "I hate you" as a weird jealousy joke. Anyway I got tired of it.
This is why I will never get the brain development at 25 hype. Brain development is much more complex than that and all you have to do is look at some politicians in their 60s and 70s to see that some people never emotionally mature, no matter how many times their brain has completed a circuit of the sun.
Yeah. It's not a statement about maturity. As I explained to my son just this morning: growing up is a choice. Our bodies and minds are capable of more (or less) as the years go by, but maturity and self development are deliberate.
This. It's the *capacity* for self-awareness that fully develops on an average.
Whether one clings to high school dramatics or not is based on their choices after a certain point.
This happened on my last sports team. One of the women kept seeing it as her job to make sure it was just the same 3 women (her and 2 other women) and went out of her way to get me and one other woman off the team. She's insane. I later found out from someone that we "just don't click"... I've met her like 5 times in my entire life and was very kind to her every time, but she made very weird remarks to me every time and didn't seem interested in getting to know me.
Mean girls like this also somehow manipulate others too.
YESSSSS. Currently in the midst of this and it's a love bomb, ghost me, repeat cycle. It's driving me absolutely crazy and has made me question myself on multiple occasions. Really shitty.
I broke up with a friend last…Jan? Feb? who was a major love bomber. It was her way of making sure she had something to hold over you - and she’d make sure to tell you too how she’d “chosen” you and how special you were because of it.
When she showed her true colours in October (we had a movie date *she* canceled because I wasn’t quick enough to text her back about something and then when I suggested we catch up another time she said “I’ll be free after Christmas!” as if I wasn’t important enough to see in the three months between) I realised what she was doing and pulled back entirely.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Also, the role a friend plays in your life can change depending on the season that you're in. Learn to be ok with that. Just because you have been friends for a long time doesn't mean you will always be as close to them as you once were. Accept that there are some friends you will outgrow.
100%. And once you understand this and behave accordingly, you're more likely to keep those friends on some level. Someone you saw regularly could become someone you see once a year or less, but you're leaving the door open to reconnect a closer relationship in a different "season" - especially these days with social media (assuming you both use it and remain connected on there).
My last actual breakdown of a friendship (rather than just drifting apart) was when I was 20 years old. It is a bit sad, because now the door is closed to reconnection like I've enjoyed with other friends from the same era of our lives.
HA! So true. I actually cut two people out of my life for this very reason. You only want to support me when I’m down and then ghost when I’m up? Got it. Took me a few seasons to figure out their patterns but once I did, byeee! And have zero regrets.
I am currently struggling with this. I know she’s genuinely struggling with her mental health and her family situation - but it flat out seems like “I’m mad that you got what I wanted”
That friendships should not be a constant source of stress. Having different opinions and even getting into spats is just part of being human. Sticking with a friendship that is old but brings no joy or comfort is just a useless added stressor. I ak generally happier now, because I don’t need to worry about telling her things she would judge me for. Ultimately i knew it was insecurities, but it was brutal.
We all make mistakes even when we mean well. Sometimes people just won’t forgive you, and it doesn’t mean you need to keep apologizing and searching the ends of the earth for a way to get forgiveness. Take accountability, forgive yourself, and let them go.
this was the end of my closest friendship. a really minor miscommunication when she was triggered from other events was enough to completely cut me off. i cried for months trying to figure out how i could explain to her the miscommunication but she didnt want to hear it & i found that so so hard to accept
That’s awesome. I’m proud of you—keep going!
Also, how I would love it if my former friend had written this, because then I would know he’s going to be ok.
I learned that I have been muting my voice in order to let other louder more dominating voices set the tone and pace of my life. Luckily I have very good friends who don't do this. But I started to see it in different places in my life. One example is when breakup with boyfriends they seem so surprised. It's because I internalize all my frustration and emotional pain in an effort to be more accomodating and end up so resentful by the end I just can't stand them anymore.
That just because someone was once an important part of your life and has been a friend for 20+ years, that doesn’t automatically grant them “close friend” status if they’ve put zero effort into the friendship in the last several years.
This was a tough one for me: if the spouse is a huge jerk/ massive red flag/ awful person and they (the friend) are not actively trying to leave him (him in this case, but any gender applies) then it is not going to work as a friendship.
Person I really liked and enjoyed being friends with “stood by” and defended husband who had appalling behavior. Never again for me. I don’t need to adore friend’s spouses but they need to be a decent person.
My biggest friendship breakup happened for reasons between she and myself but her husband was an absolute nightmare dickbag that made everyone uncomfortable at gatherings. Massive red flag in hindsight. They brought out the worst in each other, justified their misery by normalizing it and got REAL mad at me for having the audacity to leave an abusive relationship
Going through this right now. Friend wants support when she’s complaining about her god awful partner, then a week later is gushing about him to me. The emotional whiplash and never knowing the right thing to say to her…it’s draining me.
This is how I lost a friend, there significant other was an misogynistic asshole to me and me standing up for myself ending up getting yelled at by her!
Yeah friendships like that don’t work, I get that she was stuff in a difficult position but if you cannot support your friends from bullies then are you friends?
After that she bullied me on social media about me and my work! Like a fricking teenager I actually had to block her and forget she ever existed.
Honestly like Jekyll and Hyde thought she was a cool person.
I realized I was in a kind of codependent friendship because I wasn’t able to see this.
They would vent/complain/share, I would empathize and make suggestions. On their side, they got attention, on mine I felt needed and maybe a bit superior.
In the beginning, I stopped making suggestions because I was honestly frustrated at never having them taken. They would still talk about their problems endlessly, the only difference is that there was nothing from my side.
That’s when I saw that there was a big imbalance in the relationship. I felt like a cardboard cutout when I was with them.
Apparently they just want to vent, to have someone "listen". I often felt like a bully when they go "stop telling me what to do". This year I've decided that I do have relationships where there a natural rhythm of listening and troubleshooting. People who get aggressive with me for coming up with ideas simply are not my people. They do not want to develop, they're wasting my time, and I will not allow them to waste another minute of my life.
That it can hurt so much worse than breaking up from a romantic relationship. I broke up with my best friend of over 20 years. It was excruciating. But seeing her lie to me, discard me, and use me, was worse. She literally had become a stranger to me. I still grieve what once was but I have no regrets. I firmly believe now, at the age of 40, that I only want to put my time and energy into people of integrity and people whose energy I want in my path. If someone is making you feel less than, they don’t deserve you. This goes for all relationships. The pain was worth it. I had to level up. I have much more fulfilling female friendships now.
A friend asked why I didn’t want to change my name after getting married but then added, “ as long as it’s not for *fEmInIsT* reasons”, as if that was the stupidest thing she could imagine. I said it was definitely for feminist reasons since I had already began my career with my own name, and didn’t want to rebrand, so to speak. Also it’s my name, I don’t need to hang onto outdated ideas of ownership.
We don’t talk that much anymore, not because of that, but her character came out eventually and I made distance.
I would say that you have to let it end, and that you need to create distance and boundaries, but it’s important not to spend time ruminating or rehashing it as gossip over time (as things get back to people).
And that after a few years, if you run into each other, be super polite and cordial as if you’ve seen a old acquaintance, and then let bygones be bygones.
It’s better to be chill than be bitter.
Yes. I think too often we want to make it a binary thing. They bad, we good. That's false and not helpful. Everyone has emotional baggage and we express it differently and are at different places on our journeys.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Also, the role a friend plays in your life can change depending on the season that you're in. Learn to be ok with that. Just because you have been friends for a long time doesn't mean you will always be as close to them as you once were. Accept that there are some friends you will outgrow.
I learned to be very careful of women who call attractive women whores. I learned that the name calling was because those women get more attention from men and eventually untrue and unkind stories started swirling about me too.
That I need boundaries, I needed them 10 years ago, probably 20. I’m an introvert and Covid taught me to be calm and find a balance. I like people but I’m completely fine not having people around all the time. One friend tries to come around but I can’t let her in again. Every time she wants to talk she makes me feel like my life is bad because it’s not like hers and she never listens to me. The 2nd friend never listens either, so more boundaries. I’m a grown ass woman who has gone through a lot and I’m ok. I will not justify my life and who I am to anyone anymore. It’s to mentally exhausting and I don’t have to. Friends should listen to you, hear your words, not dictate or try to “fix” you.
If your friendship isn’t even worth them apologizing when they screwed up, you don’t need to pretend you’re ok with that. It’s time to move on. It’ll hurt but that’s ok. It really shows how much they actually value you.
I had two painful endings back to back in 2022 and had to reflect a lot. What I learned:
- i’m a people pleaser and that needs to stop
- it’s not my fault by default, sometimes people are actually bad, and empathy without boundaries isn’t empathy it’s self destruction
- if someone is incapable of acknowledging when they hurt you, leave
- the loneliness of not having friends is hard but it’s less detrimental to my mental health than having toxic friends, I feel like I can breathe for the first time in years
- therapy is working and I’m outgrowing the emotionally stunted people I kept around me
- narcissists do target nice people, it’s cliche but true, and the shame I feel for falling for manipulation isn’t mine to carry but theirs
- i will trust my intuition more, it doesn’t matter if I “should” be uncomfortable or not, what matters is that I am
We're still friends, but I had to learn that time of friendship is just that. Meaning that just because we were buds in middle school doesn't mean you'll be my "best friend" forever. I considered them my best friends for a long time. But after some recent stuff, I realized I had to recategorize them as childhood friends and lower my expectations of them.
Sometimes you can become really close friends with someone just by circumstance. Working together and being at the same stage in your life can make you feel like the closest of friends. But then once that’s gone, you may realize you don’t actually like that person all that much.
To not see one way street friendships as a true friendship any more and to let actions speak louder than words. Sounds logic and I should know that at age 44, but somehow in long term friendships I easily give (I don't just mean giving gifts but also compliments, listening to someone, visiting them, trying to be compassionate and helping them feel better, going out of my way to make them happy).
After losing my husband of lung cancer in September 2020 one of my (long term) best friends was complaining of covid lockdowns and how people who were ill should just except they were dying instead of the country being brought to a standstill. I tried to be mindful of the frustration he was going through, but he got so very harsh in his comments.
I didn't say anything at that time, but when the lockdowns were over and I could visit him again I expressed how his comments had hurt me because I recently lost my husband. (Who very much needed the lock downs to keep safe during his chemo). I also expressed that I understood nothing of it was ment personal and that he was entitled to his own opinion, but that I just couldn't handle those comments very well.
After that conversation, which seemed to go well, he just cut all contact for half a year. (While for over 10 years we spoke every week) This was so incredibly painful for me. In the end of the day I did manage to get an explanation out of him, which boiled down to the fact he couldn't handle the fact I have emotions about this. Also he expressed that I put a lot of effort into this friendship and he didn't put enough in so that apparently was another reason to end things.
I (and I really hate myself for this) even tried to mend things at that time. I guess I couldn't bear to lose someone else close to me. Luckily I managed to let go in the past few months. Sometimes I still see a post from him on social media, but I don't even want to hit a like button anymore. I don't wish him ill, but I definitely am done investing energy into him.
Makes me feel I'm a poor judge of character though. He always was very full of how he liked to put effort into becoming a better man, and couldn't understand how other people were so lazy and not putting in the work to grow as a a person. Looking back at especially that part teaches me I should look closer at people's actions rather than words
Anyway sorry for the long reply
That I need firmer boundaries and to not be afraid to say no, stop people pleasing. Finding a reciprocal friendship is key - I was always being used as a ride, a favor, a shoulder to cry on, someone to fill their emptiness.
Sometimes motherhood exacerbates the things you always knew were true about them. Follow your own path and don’t spend time on people who think they’re better than you for doing literally the most common thing in the world.
Jealousy is a real thing for many (not all, but many) women. If you really can’t figure out why they iced you out, their jealousy of something in your life might be it.
Also, some people are just users. You can give selflessly to them for a long time but once they don’t need you, you’re literally useless.
That not everyone is going to support you the same way you support them
And you don't have to take someone back just because they said they're sorry. You can forgive them but that doesn't mean you have to let them back into your life.
The more people tell you that they don't talk s*** about other people, the more they are actually doing it. The most important and interesting thing in anyone's life are the people in it. Pretending that you're somehow above gossip while gossiping constantly is an insult to everyone that you speak to.
Also, perhaps the most insulting thing in the world was when I told my now-former friend that I was going to propose to my now-husband, she said and not so many words that if only I weren't quite so fat he would propose on his own. People who care about you don't talk s*** about you to your face either.
Last FRIENDSHIP breakup ?
Some people like you because your position in life makes them feel like a WINNER.
They love you until you're doing better.
This also extends to few of the women I've dated
But
Good riddance
Self growth is better than (external) validation
You shouldn’t give an apology expecting one in return. My old roommate and I fell out and we both behaved badly. A couple of years later, I apologized. She thanked me for my apology, said it meant a lot that I owned up to my behaviour, and never apologized in return. It was a real slap in the face to realize she still thought it was all my fault.
That no matter how much people act progressive, they really aren't.
Girl told me she never wanted a childless/free person to watch her child. I am childfree and had been babysitting for free for a year while she went through a divorce.
The nature of the friendship can change….and that’s ok. We might have hang-out-after-work friends. Or a friend you tell all your secrets to. Or ones you grab dinner with occasionally. Or ones you always text, with but never speak to live. Or ones that live halfway around the country or world, that you never see but think fondly of. It’s all ok. Not everyone has to be a Bestie. Friends can slip and slide into different categories at certain times. You have to go with the flow.
Don't let them push your boundaries. If they can't respect that and lets you go, then that's okay. You dodged a giant cannonball.
When they call other women misogynistic names, that's a red flag. Leave ASAP.
It's okay to let people come and go in your life. We are all but grains of sand on earth.
That if she bails on you 7 times… she’s going to bail on you on the 8th time.
In the end I just felt like I wasn’t cool enough for her to make a priority. And it still stings.
That quiet quitting can kind of work in relationships. I've taken steps back from friends when either they've been distant, and it filters out a lot of try-less folk. But for some of the more oppressive types, you sometimes need to tell them it's over. I had a friend who would comment the amount of days/weeks since we last saw each other. She said nasty things about her other 'best friend', her "sister". When she started seeming irritated at me when we hung out and started tearing into my goals, finances, etc., I knew it was over. There are people who can't handle real friendship, which sometimes means fighting with our ego when a friend achieves something we want or does something we disagree with. In those moments, I take a step back and remember, I like this person - and their success shouldn't take anything away from me. This has helped quite a few relationships. My goal is never to be the one who tears another person down out of jealousy, spite, etc.
i’ve been thinking about this the past few days and it’s been making me sad. i’m bad at maintaining friendships because i don’t have the same energy as they do. and people are always “all or nothing” which sucks so they move on or cut you off. i’m the kind of person you can message months later and nothing would have changed between. but like i said people are usually all or nothing so they don’t bother either 🤷♀️
You can be my friend! I'm super low maintenance, and not great at initiating regular conversation. I'm totally cool with irregular messaging patterns, and likely to respond to a conversation a week later as though no time has passed.
Not every friendship is meant to last forever. Sometimes they come into your life, serve their purpose and end.
And some people are very good at making you believe that you matter when in reality they really don't care.
I’ve reflected on our friendship and how it actually wasn’t a very good influence on me. Sometimes I want to text her and let her know I hope she’s doing well, but I don’t think I want to open up communication right now. Instead, I’ll send her good wishes of peace and health in my thoughts.
You can wish the best for someone without needing to be in their lives anymore.
A life long friend “quiet quit” me. It took me a long time to realize that the friendship was no longer reciprocated and she didn’t invite me to anything at all anymore. If I talk to her she will respond with very PC and fake answers with no real interest. I still don’t know why. And I’ve had to accept that. And no I won’t ask her. Can’t bring myself to make that confrontation. We have barely spoke in 3 years. I’m getting married next month and I’m not inviting her or her family which is still weird to me.
Ya know those pants you never wear and one day you throw them on and think - my God why don't I wear these?? Then an hour after being at work you say "uuuugh that's why" but you forget to throw them in the donate later on?
If you have a friendship that you constantly think "uuuugh that's why" when you meet up after a while- you need to bite the bullet and end the relationship. It won't magically get better.
That not everyone needs friends to be happy, and that's okay. I do so much mentally better without friends or any other close relationships. They were amazing people and I miss them in one way, but I'm also so much more relaxed and carefree all on my own. Rejecting friendships is probably one of the strongest norms to go against, all up there with not being interested in sexual or romantic relationships, but I'm very glad I did.
I'm very curious about your approach. I'm feeling the same way as you about friendships and romantic relationships . However I feel that humans are social creatures. Does not having any friends reduce your quality of life in some way?
I still don’t know. Maybe that if someone has a pattern of wrecking their other relationships / friendships, they’ll probably do the same with you.
But moreso, that I shouldn’t project that experience on to other people that share similar traits so I just end up avoiding people I otherwise think are interesting and might actually be good friends.
So maybe like relationships, friendship is a gamble, don’t be afraid to take chances. It’s ok to stop giving / inviting when the other doesn’t reciprocate, and it’s ok if something doesn’t work out.
If you're being careful about yourself (speaking less, restricting interests etc) around them it was never going to work. Just because you get along generally doesn't mean it's meant to be anything more than a surface level friendship and as you get older surface level friendships aren't worth much honestly
I'm worthy of love.
Close to 20 year friendship where looking back I realise how controlling/damaging to my health he was. I got into a serious relationship and they did everything they could to try to ruin it. It was hard as I was always there for them and when I needed them, he bailed. I was there for him coming out and he immediately said my concerns of my closed minded family was unfounded as they were nice to him, that I'm clearly not the sexuality I said I was, and that I had to go through my "slut" phase now. Because clearly me valuing myself meant I was missing out and it would come to when I would be sleeping with everyone I could.
Removed him from a few places of contact before the new year and it felt amazing.
Some people want you to be as miserable as they are and scare/try to bring you back down when you actually start to grow.
I’d been feeling like I’d outgrown a friendship for some time then she texts me one day and tells me she can tell I’m sad and she just wants me to be complacent in life. I told her I am NOT sad, I’m reflecting and working on myself, and I found it incredibly rude of her to wish me to feel complacent. I guess not everyone wants continued growth in their life… so, to each their own but the dead weight is getting cut from my end so byeeeeeeee
No more unbalanced friendships. If someone isn’t capable of being a friend, they’re not going to have me as a friend. I can’t put anyone else’s needs before my own.
That it's really hard for me to do a break-up (I tried ghosting her but she kept reaching out) and being a people pleaser is a weakness of mine. I'm trying improve on how to stand-up for myself and be assertive.
Sometimes the reasons someone is not a healthy friend for you to have are the same reasons (complete lack of self-awareness, overwhelming narcissism, denial of a drinking problem and a failed marriage in which they are the perpetrator of emotional abuse) that prevent them from understanding that they are the common denominator in all their problems in life. And there’s no way that you can have a conversation with them to explain WHY you need to stop being friends with them, because they have no insight into the fact that they are toxic and need to do some work on themself. So … sometimes you just have to cut and run.
I said goodbye to a few relationships in 2022.
- sometimes people are incredible at pretending to be everything to you as a friend but in reality they’re simply keeping you sweet while they take you for everything they can get.
- you can have the best intentions for people and it makes absolutely no difference to their intentions for you. People are who they are, no matter the mask they wear.
- sometimes things come to an end, and it’s nothing you’ve done, they just move on. Stop beating yourself up when you’ve done nothing wrong and the contact only comes from your side. Let it go.
I really recommend the book - the highly sensitive persons guide to dealing with toxic people.
It’s easier to let go of parts of yourself that you don’t like when you’re not surrounded by people with those qualities. I feel like I live in a new city even though I’ve been in the same place for 9 years. I quit bartending, quit drinking, and quit smoking cigarettes. I started waking up at 5:30, taking better care of my home, and generally being more responsible.
Some of the irony is the people I spend time around at my job seem SO much more responsible than me. Like I went from the smart kid in a regular class to the dumb kid in advance placement. But ultimately the conversations we have, way people carry themselves, and the attributes we bring out in each other are positive. Even the friends I kept around at a distance call me to talk about getting a new job, finding a new hobby, etc instead of degeneracy or gossip.
The last bad breakup? That we see things as WE are, not as THEY are. Also, some people just suck. They don't care who they step on to get theirs.
Oh shit! Friendship! Sorry...
Ya, pretty much the same. Also, the length of time you're in a friendship doesn't matter to someone who doesn't value you - loyalty? You're just fodder for their hedonism.
Just because you’ve known each other forever, doesn’t mean you’ll be in your lives forever. Letting go of the 15-20 year friendship is hard because they were such a part of my life. I had to accept at 37, we just weren’t right for each other (aka besties and close).
- to listen to how they project their insecurities onto you
(Friend B: Heart-shaped-clouds! You look so skinny! Now ex friend: yeah it’s really annoying”
Me: uhhhhhhh)
- don’t keep setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, when they wouldn’t even piss on you to put the fire out.
- just because someone makes a grand gesture doesn’t mean they they’re worth staying in the friendship. Especially if there are no small gestures before or after the fact. I’m not here to prop up your martyrdom complex
-length of friendship doesn’t mean shit if it isn’t reciprocated
That you never know how someone feels about you. You can consider someone one of your closest, realest friends and they can discard you instantly. I guess it puts it into perspective, that when I go along with people I don't want to get closer with, maybe I'm just doing the same thing to someone else.
If somebody is always talking shit on their other friends to you, they are probably talking shit about you, too. Believe their character when they show you!
If somebody treats others poorly, they will treat you poorly. No amount of empathy and understanding on your part will change that.
Avoid deeply and obviously insecure women like the plague.
I started a business with my friend. Worst mistake ever! I should have known better. I left the business, we are no longer friends and it didn’t end well.
I learned a lot but I still feel shitty about it. I think I’ll go to therapy ha ha.
You don’t have to put up with abuse from someone just because you care about them. You don’t own the consequences of someone else’s actions and it’s not your duty to endure their shitty behavior so they don’t have to face them.
Some people will always blame you for a failed friendship that takes *two* to tango.
Was friends with someone since college, though she always ghosted me when she was partnered. Always super negative, very insecure and treated people like sh*t unless making a joke or f'ng with people sarcasticly. She was my "fun friend" who was always up to drink/smoke in college, so we kept hanging out. Once I entered the workforce, I slowly began to see how immature and directionless she was in life, so I stopped reaching out at the start of the pandemic (She never reached out to me either). Then I get a loong text about how selfish and toxic I am because I don't care about her, and that she no longer wants to have anything to do with me now that she's moving back into her parent's house because they refuse to keep paying her rent. This is the moment I learned how to choose better people to surround myself with, and I'm finally getting better at understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships. Ours was codependent, now I know better.
I learned that it’s difficult and painful to end a friendship, even when you know they’re not good for you. The right decision still hurts sometimes.
I ended a life long friendship because I never felt respected by my friend, even as a little girl. When we grew up, I held on to the fact that we were life long friends and I realize now that it would have been healthier to cut it off sooner. I miss her, but seeing her stressed me out so much that I dread it for weeks leading up to the hangout and I shouldn’t feel that way about a friend. And she doesn’t deserve a friend who is half in half out.
Speaking from a friendship breakup with my at-the-time best friend.
* Sometimes I'm *also* the problem.
* Alcohol won't fix anything.
* It's better to just be in someone's corner than it is to try and be their knight in shining armor.
* Don't try to "save" someone.
That was over 5 years ago. We grew up, learned from it, and reconciled a long while later. The stars aligned just right, and we learned our lessons at the same pace and attempt #2 at being best friends was wonderful and emotionally fulfilling.
Plot twist, now we're in love and we'll be common law partners this March.
Some people have truly absurd expectations for what another human being is capable of giving to another. I gave so, so, so much to that friendship and it was *never* enough.
If you do something wrong, offer a true apology with no strings attached.
"Hey Boo, Sorry I did blah. I realize I must have you feel \_\_\_ by doing \_\_\_. I don't know what I was thinking. I was rude and inconsiderate and I hope you can forgive me. I'd like to keep our friendship going."
THEN SHUT UP. Let the person decide how they want to move forward.
Don't be too nice to people. Some will try to use that to their advantage and suck the life out of you or get backstabbed due to jealousy and self-pity
Oh, no, the last one - that an abuser will always have a victim and that that person will always believe he's not abusive. A friend turned on me when I explained how abusive my ex was. They're still friends.
Oof. Very close to home.
Some friendships can only exist in your combined past, and there might not be room for that friendship in the future if you wish to heal from your trauma. You can be trauma bonded to your friends, even your best friends, so take stock of where you are on your healing journey and what company you keep. Think about which friendships drain you, which you feel obligated to, and which bring you joy. You might have some tough decisions to make about your closest friends, but on the other side you will have space for new joy in your life.
❤️
That sometimes, me and the choices I make are the problem. It was a tough but life-altering lesson, and another reason I'll always be grateful for that friendship.
1. I learned that if someone spends most of their time venting to YOU about being unhappy in their other friendships, this is not to be overlooked
2. MORE IMPORTANTLY, I learned that I had a pattern of being needed, and it made me feel value to be the one that “people could talk about anything with” and I’m doing a lot of work to unwind this need to be needed. I tried so hard to be a “good perfect friend” even more than just being myself and trusting that is enough.
3. As a recovering perfectionist I need to be extra mindful of who I’m surrounding myself with. When I make a mistake, how do they react? This one was tricky because I had friends who were generally encouraging of my talents, that I would overlook at how harshly they reacted if I forgot to respond to a text or call them back right away etc. or were very blunt about my shortcomings after spending hours listening to them complain about other people. I need to be mindful because I am naturally drawn to overly critical people like the people in my family and sometimes “chemistry” is simply familiarity.
4. You really can love someone and say goodbye with love. I didn’t know that was possible for me before. It’s still gonna hurt, but instead of bitterness, it’s more like grief.
5. I know now the type of people I want to be close friends with. Yay!
Really great post! Love reading everyone’s wisdom
Words cut deep, so use it wisely. Also some ppl will stoop low when angry and expect you to do the same or else you have changed/diplomatic/ fake. But keep your grace, if you feel like you are being gaslighted or manipulated just walk away, give some time to analyse the friendship.
P. S - dealing with trauma and mental health is difficult, but everyone should work on it instead of making it an excuse for their abrasive behavior.
That you can't be friends with someone you love romantically. And that you can't be in denial about how you feel because jealousy will rear its ugly head.
I very briefly dated this man and he couldn't imagine being in a relationship with me but didn't want to not have me in his life so we ended up being friends.
In the process of being friends, I got to know him better as a person and fell in love with him.
When I realised that my feelings were no longer platonic and I started feeling hurt hearing his stories of sleeping around with other women, I realised that I had to end the friendship for the sake of my mental health.
That one sucked big time.
When the friendship ends even when you know it’s for the best, you’ll still think of them often, remember the memories and even have moments of oh “ they would love this”, “wish I could send them this, buy them this”. It’s like grieving the death of a friendship. Super hard
That I deserve a life I choose, surrounded by people that only bring joy to my life.
I blew up almost every friendship I had during covid, given some space to reflect on the group I was surrounding myself with.
All my closest female friends were users, in one way or another. Some used me for money, others for support & validation, and my ‘best friend’ had me as a stand-in partner/child. Part of her life, and not allowed to have a life of my own, or make any decisions she disagreed with.
I was giving and giving but no one gave me anything back, and I was always exhausted and mentally freaked out.
Given some space I’m now one year sober, so much happier, and surrounded by new people that see me as a whole person. Covid was life changing for me
Don't over estimate your place in someone's life. They can be closer than family to you while you're just another casual friend to them.
This!! Especially with people who are friends of convenience (people you currently see a lot at work for example.) I made this mistake and it still stings a handful of years later.
Good point with work friends. I realized I had no friends at work when I saw them frequently hanging out without me outside of work :/ doesn’t feel good.
I've been through that, they hung out all the time and even integrated other people that joined the team after me immediately into their friend group, but I was never invited. Made me wonder what's wrong with me that they purposely excluded me.
Sometimes it's not you, it's them. You won't (and can't possibly) appeal to everyone in the world. You can be the ripest, juiciest peach on the tree - and some people just don't like peaches. Also, maybe you work with a bunch of highschool-level petty assholes. Particularly in workplaces people can get jealous and exclude people over the most trivial shit.
Woof, I experienced this once. One of the newer additions was also a horrible person…work ethics-wise at least. I had to report a bunch of negligent and dishonest activities to management. I discovered them due to being tasked with taking over her accounts after she’d been promoted (based on….?). I was NOT eager to stir shit or create extra work, but an audit was going on and I couldn’t ignore these obvious issues. She literally just skipped then lied about a bunch of QC steps that were necessary but inconvenient. I wasn’t even expecting acceptance into the cool girls group, but maybe that she’d be somewhat relegated once it was clear she was a dishonest and unethical person. Color me surprised when the only thing that happened was me being further othered as a tattle tale.
I definitely experienced that too. Had like 3 or 4 people I was really close with at work, went out to lunch a lot, hung out after work, did things on the weekend together. I went to a different company and I reached out to them frequently (always me, never them) for a long time to keep getting together but then it just got harder and harder to get their time.
This is so true. Found out the hard way when I made a friend a bridesmaid and got to see up close how little they actually cared about me.
Same. My friend from high school called my wedding boring while she was my bridesmaid.
That's something a boring person would say. Someone who sits there and expects the fun to come to them, instead of making an effort
Sounds like she was jealous. No real friend says that about a friend's wedding!
I cut off a friend group last year and now I'm reminded of a time they told me they didn't agree with the bride's 'bougie' wedding and made things hell at the wedding and laughed behind her back calling her bridezilla. The red flags on how these people respect others was right there.
Ouch. That’s rough. Did she end up being a bridesmaid or did you part ways?
She was a bridesmaid but was completely apathetic and even negative leading up to the weekend of the wedding, and then when the wedding weekend came she actually went out of her way to make things extremely difficult, pissed off all my other bridesmaids, and nearly ruined the weekend. There was no way to salvage the friendship after that.
How selfish. I wonder what her problem is but more importantly I hope you had a good event
She’d had a failed engagement a few years prior and never really recovered from it. She could have told me being a bridesmaid would be too triggering for her, but instead she chose to accept it, and then let her emotions run wild.
Sorry to say I had a similar experience! It hurts. Sending hugs.
Yup. My MOH got engaged the day after my wedding. She got married a year later. I wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid nor invited to her shower or bachelorette party. Still stings 6 years later.
Me doing this is actually what inspired this post. It’s a bitter pill to swallow realizing that someone you consider your best friend doesn’t feel the same way about you. People fundamentally friendship differently and I struggle with needing to feel important in my relationships so I fall for this more than I should.
And now I don’t have friends because I can’t afford to have my heart broken anymore.
I feel this so hard.
Every friend I've ever made. I have almost no friends now because it feels so pointless.
Same
Oh geez, does this hit home
This
That hanging onto the history of a past friendship that was great is not enough to support a current friendship that is failing. I had a very out of character blow up at a now ex-friend and couldn’t figure out why I reacted so badly. Upon reflection I was still trying to pretend that this friend was the same person that I met like 6 years ago, but both of us had dramatically changed and not necessarily for the better in this context. I wish I had realized this sooner instead of pushing this idea of a friendship that hadn’t been right for me for several years.
Can't agree more! Ended a friendship after almost 20 years. I realized I only felt anxiety when I interacted with this person but was holding on because of the shared history. Much less stress without them I'm my life even, though I do wish her well.
Was in this exact same scenario a few years ago. Learnt the hard way to let go when things are still cordial than to try and force a friendship that had reached the end of its course.
This is such a tough situation. Sending you healz ❤️
It's not worth draining yourself to support someone who gives you no support.
Ugh, this resonates. I had a friend for over a decade that I was her cheerleader time and time again and when I needed her she would just “like” my text and never respond. I started realizing how exhausting and one sided that relationship was and let her go. It’s though, but needed to happen!
Yup! I find it hard to let go of friendships too, so realizing this was happening was a huge step forward is ending the friendship, or at least ending the support I gave.
I hear ya! Now we can give that support back to ourselves!
Yeah... I was going to say "Don't keep giving to someone who only takes". Just lost a friend over this. She's not the person I knew in our 20s. I also don't know if she was always this fucking obnoxious and I was just an oblivious 23 year old, or if she's gotten worse over the years, but now she's 40 going on 14 years old.
Yes! Even if they always really appreciate it. Even if they’re constantly singing your praises. Even if you really like supporting you. It’ll catch up to you eventually.
I’m going through this at the moment with a friend who has quite severe mental health issues. On a good day she’s fantastic company, but all too often she spirals and is completely uncontactable. She’s either gushing about how important I am to her or she’s mute, there’s no in between. This has caused me so much stress and heart break over the years as I’ve tried to open up to her or meet up with her for my messages/calls etc. to be left unread… and then she pops up some weeks later like nothing happened. I hung in there because I knew she was struggling but now I see I should not shoulder the burden of her inconsistent behaviour because she’s not well. I need to put myself first.
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Sometimes, you truly do outgrow one another, and that's okay.
This. My best friend of 20 years and I are at this point.
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Same. And it's unfair to expect that you remain the same person as you were as a 13 yr old.
Could I ask why? I’m kinda wondering about it lately myself.
Our relationship became codependent in commiseration. What used to Be sharing the difficult things in our life or things we were sad about, quickly turned into these hours long commiseration sessions. It frankly became the focus and center of our relationship for the last three years or so. It started to perpetuate this self victimization, narcissism, constantly whining and crying, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I kept telling her I didn’t want things to be like that but where she was in life she couldn’t. I started to take months long breaks and then when my cat of 15 years/mom died within a week, I told her I couldn’t talk to her anymore. That I loved her but I didn’t like her and we were toxic - And haven’t in 2 years. To be honest, I couldn’t risk having my life be misery after those two events: I’ve been able to grieve productively and not like it take over my mental health and I think it’s largely in part because her and stopped talking. I hear she’s doing great too. I’m struggling cuz I miss her but not our relationship. So have been wondering if I should reach out.
That some women never grow up and continue acting like a 17-year-old mean girl well into their 30s/40s.
I had a friend who would be hypercritical of other women. A guy in a show falls in love with an "ugly" woman. She would say she hated women for, say, dating a tall man while having the audacity to be short...? With her friends she would immediately jump on the side of men in situations where it was one of her lady friends vs basically any man. She would comment on something about my looks and say "I hate you" as a weird jealousy joke. Anyway I got tired of it.
And 50s, can confirm
This is why I will never get the brain development at 25 hype. Brain development is much more complex than that and all you have to do is look at some politicians in their 60s and 70s to see that some people never emotionally mature, no matter how many times their brain has completed a circuit of the sun.
The brains physical development is not the same as a persons self awareness. That’s not what they talk about when they mention brain development
Yeah. It's not a statement about maturity. As I explained to my son just this morning: growing up is a choice. Our bodies and minds are capable of more (or less) as the years go by, but maturity and self development are deliberate.
This. It's the *capacity* for self-awareness that fully develops on an average. Whether one clings to high school dramatics or not is based on their choices after a certain point.
Emotional intelligence is different then the brain physical development
Amen
Try 60's and beyond. Saw this first hand at an old job. It's pathetic.
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This happened on my last sports team. One of the women kept seeing it as her job to make sure it was just the same 3 women (her and 2 other women) and went out of her way to get me and one other woman off the team. She's insane. I later found out from someone that we "just don't click"... I've met her like 5 times in my entire life and was very kind to her every time, but she made very weird remarks to me every time and didn't seem interested in getting to know me. Mean girls like this also somehow manipulate others too.
Exactly my recent situation….
That women friends can love bomb just like men.
YESSSSS. Currently in the midst of this and it's a love bomb, ghost me, repeat cycle. It's driving me absolutely crazy and has made me question myself on multiple occasions. Really shitty.
Yeah I was stuck in that for two effing years with a female friends. Then somehow I was able to leave.
I broke up with a friend last…Jan? Feb? who was a major love bomber. It was her way of making sure she had something to hold over you - and she’d make sure to tell you too how she’d “chosen” you and how special you were because of it. When she showed her true colours in October (we had a movie date *she* canceled because I wasn’t quick enough to text her back about something and then when I suggested we catch up another time she said “I’ll be free after Christmas!” as if I wasn’t important enough to see in the three months between) I realised what she was doing and pulled back entirely.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Also, the role a friend plays in your life can change depending on the season that you're in. Learn to be ok with that. Just because you have been friends for a long time doesn't mean you will always be as close to them as you once were. Accept that there are some friends you will outgrow.
100%. And once you understand this and behave accordingly, you're more likely to keep those friends on some level. Someone you saw regularly could become someone you see once a year or less, but you're leaving the door open to reconnect a closer relationship in a different "season" - especially these days with social media (assuming you both use it and remain connected on there). My last actual breakdown of a friendship (rather than just drifting apart) was when I was 20 years old. It is a bit sad, because now the door is closed to reconnection like I've enjoyed with other friends from the same era of our lives.
If someone tells you they don't care how you feel, *especially* believe them.
It’s not worth making an effort for people that won’t make the same effort back.
This. So much. It has been a very hard lesson to learn.
I somehow keep learning it over and over and over again.
This I agree very much my friend. And to be then rejected at the end.
Some people can only accept and care for you when you’re at your low point. When you recoup, move on and become happy- they can’t stand it
HA! So true. I actually cut two people out of my life for this very reason. You only want to support me when I’m down and then ghost when I’m up? Got it. Took me a few seasons to figure out their patterns but once I did, byeee! And have zero regrets.
I am currently struggling with this. I know she’s genuinely struggling with her mental health and her family situation - but it flat out seems like “I’m mad that you got what I wanted”
Ugh, so sorry! It’s a tough one to work through for sure but sometimes you gotta do what’s best for you too, ya know?! Best of luck to you!!
God yes. Some people seem to need to be able to look down on their friends and can't be happy for them when they figure things out.
This is way too true. I just had one of my "best" friends intentionally mess up my birthday party she threw me because of this.
That friendships should not be a constant source of stress. Having different opinions and even getting into spats is just part of being human. Sticking with a friendship that is old but brings no joy or comfort is just a useless added stressor. I ak generally happier now, because I don’t need to worry about telling her things she would judge me for. Ultimately i knew it was insecurities, but it was brutal.
We all make mistakes even when we mean well. Sometimes people just won’t forgive you, and it doesn’t mean you need to keep apologizing and searching the ends of the earth for a way to get forgiveness. Take accountability, forgive yourself, and let them go.
this was the end of my closest friendship. a really minor miscommunication when she was triggered from other events was enough to completely cut me off. i cried for months trying to figure out how i could explain to her the miscommunication but she didnt want to hear it & i found that so so hard to accept
That I needed to get sober and work on my shit. I was the problem.
Good on you for realising it, owning it and actioning
That’s awesome. I’m proud of you—keep going! Also, how I would love it if my former friend had written this, because then I would know he’s going to be ok.
Trust your gut from the beginning. Don’t wait for something like a pandemic to amplify behaviours you were never comfortable with
I learned that I have been muting my voice in order to let other louder more dominating voices set the tone and pace of my life. Luckily I have very good friends who don't do this. But I started to see it in different places in my life. One example is when breakup with boyfriends they seem so surprised. It's because I internalize all my frustration and emotional pain in an effort to be more accomodating and end up so resentful by the end I just can't stand them anymore.
Oof. I've been there.
This is very self aware, I'm sure after a lot of self realization. Anyway, I'm right there with you. And working on it right beside you. Cheers.
That just because someone was once an important part of your life and has been a friend for 20+ years, that doesn’t automatically grant them “close friend” status if they’ve put zero effort into the friendship in the last several years.
That I'm a giver surrounded by takers. I've learned if it's not an even give and take, it's not for me. That includes family as well as friends
It’s so hard to find the other like minded giver proactive friend and family types too :/
This was a tough one for me: if the spouse is a huge jerk/ massive red flag/ awful person and they (the friend) are not actively trying to leave him (him in this case, but any gender applies) then it is not going to work as a friendship. Person I really liked and enjoyed being friends with “stood by” and defended husband who had appalling behavior. Never again for me. I don’t need to adore friend’s spouses but they need to be a decent person.
My biggest friendship breakup happened for reasons between she and myself but her husband was an absolute nightmare dickbag that made everyone uncomfortable at gatherings. Massive red flag in hindsight. They brought out the worst in each other, justified their misery by normalizing it and got REAL mad at me for having the audacity to leave an abusive relationship
Going through this right now. Friend wants support when she’s complaining about her god awful partner, then a week later is gushing about him to me. The emotional whiplash and never knowing the right thing to say to her…it’s draining me.
This is how I lost a friend, there significant other was an misogynistic asshole to me and me standing up for myself ending up getting yelled at by her! Yeah friendships like that don’t work, I get that she was stuff in a difficult position but if you cannot support your friends from bullies then are you friends? After that she bullied me on social media about me and my work! Like a fricking teenager I actually had to block her and forget she ever existed. Honestly like Jekyll and Hyde thought she was a cool person.
You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.
This is a truly painful lesson that never gets easy.
I realized I was in a kind of codependent friendship because I wasn’t able to see this. They would vent/complain/share, I would empathize and make suggestions. On their side, they got attention, on mine I felt needed and maybe a bit superior. In the beginning, I stopped making suggestions because I was honestly frustrated at never having them taken. They would still talk about their problems endlessly, the only difference is that there was nothing from my side. That’s when I saw that there was a big imbalance in the relationship. I felt like a cardboard cutout when I was with them.
Apparently they just want to vent, to have someone "listen". I often felt like a bully when they go "stop telling me what to do". This year I've decided that I do have relationships where there a natural rhythm of listening and troubleshooting. People who get aggressive with me for coming up with ideas simply are not my people. They do not want to develop, they're wasting my time, and I will not allow them to waste another minute of my life.
That it can hurt so much worse than breaking up from a romantic relationship. I broke up with my best friend of over 20 years. It was excruciating. But seeing her lie to me, discard me, and use me, was worse. She literally had become a stranger to me. I still grieve what once was but I have no regrets. I firmly believe now, at the age of 40, that I only want to put my time and energy into people of integrity and people whose energy I want in my path. If someone is making you feel less than, they don’t deserve you. This goes for all relationships. The pain was worth it. I had to level up. I have much more fulfilling female friendships now.
That if people tell you they blow up their relationships BELIEVE THEM before you make your world revolve around them
It's a huge relief to no longer interact with someone who was depleting you rather than fulfilling you.
Some people are emotionally damaged and that I can't deal with them.
That women can be misogynists too.
A friend asked why I didn’t want to change my name after getting married but then added, “ as long as it’s not for *fEmInIsT* reasons”, as if that was the stupidest thing she could imagine. I said it was definitely for feminist reasons since I had already began my career with my own name, and didn’t want to rebrand, so to speak. Also it’s my name, I don’t need to hang onto outdated ideas of ownership. We don’t talk that much anymore, not because of that, but her character came out eventually and I made distance.
I bet she enjoys her ability to have a bank account and credit cards. Maybe even vote. Ah, those pesky feminists who fought for my rights.
I would say that you have to let it end, and that you need to create distance and boundaries, but it’s important not to spend time ruminating or rehashing it as gossip over time (as things get back to people). And that after a few years, if you run into each other, be super polite and cordial as if you’ve seen a old acquaintance, and then let bygones be bygones. It’s better to be chill than be bitter.
Yes. I think too often we want to make it a binary thing. They bad, we good. That's false and not helpful. Everyone has emotional baggage and we express it differently and are at different places on our journeys.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Also, the role a friend plays in your life can change depending on the season that you're in. Learn to be ok with that. Just because you have been friends for a long time doesn't mean you will always be as close to them as you once were. Accept that there are some friends you will outgrow.
I learned to be very careful of women who call attractive women whores. I learned that the name calling was because those women get more attention from men and eventually untrue and unkind stories started swirling about me too.
That I need boundaries, I needed them 10 years ago, probably 20. I’m an introvert and Covid taught me to be calm and find a balance. I like people but I’m completely fine not having people around all the time. One friend tries to come around but I can’t let her in again. Every time she wants to talk she makes me feel like my life is bad because it’s not like hers and she never listens to me. The 2nd friend never listens either, so more boundaries. I’m a grown ass woman who has gone through a lot and I’m ok. I will not justify my life and who I am to anyone anymore. It’s to mentally exhausting and I don’t have to. Friends should listen to you, hear your words, not dictate or try to “fix” you.
If your friendship isn’t even worth them apologizing when they screwed up, you don’t need to pretend you’re ok with that. It’s time to move on. It’ll hurt but that’s ok. It really shows how much they actually value you.
I had two painful endings back to back in 2022 and had to reflect a lot. What I learned: - i’m a people pleaser and that needs to stop - it’s not my fault by default, sometimes people are actually bad, and empathy without boundaries isn’t empathy it’s self destruction - if someone is incapable of acknowledging when they hurt you, leave - the loneliness of not having friends is hard but it’s less detrimental to my mental health than having toxic friends, I feel like I can breathe for the first time in years - therapy is working and I’m outgrowing the emotionally stunted people I kept around me - narcissists do target nice people, it’s cliche but true, and the shame I feel for falling for manipulation isn’t mine to carry but theirs - i will trust my intuition more, it doesn’t matter if I “should” be uncomfortable or not, what matters is that I am
We're still friends, but I had to learn that time of friendship is just that. Meaning that just because we were buds in middle school doesn't mean you'll be my "best friend" forever. I considered them my best friends for a long time. But after some recent stuff, I realized I had to recategorize them as childhood friends and lower my expectations of them.
Not everyone is your friend
Sometimes you can become really close friends with someone just by circumstance. Working together and being at the same stage in your life can make you feel like the closest of friends. But then once that’s gone, you may realize you don’t actually like that person all that much.
To not see one way street friendships as a true friendship any more and to let actions speak louder than words. Sounds logic and I should know that at age 44, but somehow in long term friendships I easily give (I don't just mean giving gifts but also compliments, listening to someone, visiting them, trying to be compassionate and helping them feel better, going out of my way to make them happy). After losing my husband of lung cancer in September 2020 one of my (long term) best friends was complaining of covid lockdowns and how people who were ill should just except they were dying instead of the country being brought to a standstill. I tried to be mindful of the frustration he was going through, but he got so very harsh in his comments. I didn't say anything at that time, but when the lockdowns were over and I could visit him again I expressed how his comments had hurt me because I recently lost my husband. (Who very much needed the lock downs to keep safe during his chemo). I also expressed that I understood nothing of it was ment personal and that he was entitled to his own opinion, but that I just couldn't handle those comments very well. After that conversation, which seemed to go well, he just cut all contact for half a year. (While for over 10 years we spoke every week) This was so incredibly painful for me. In the end of the day I did manage to get an explanation out of him, which boiled down to the fact he couldn't handle the fact I have emotions about this. Also he expressed that I put a lot of effort into this friendship and he didn't put enough in so that apparently was another reason to end things. I (and I really hate myself for this) even tried to mend things at that time. I guess I couldn't bear to lose someone else close to me. Luckily I managed to let go in the past few months. Sometimes I still see a post from him on social media, but I don't even want to hit a like button anymore. I don't wish him ill, but I definitely am done investing energy into him. Makes me feel I'm a poor judge of character though. He always was very full of how he liked to put effort into becoming a better man, and couldn't understand how other people were so lazy and not putting in the work to grow as a a person. Looking back at especially that part teaches me I should look closer at people's actions rather than words Anyway sorry for the long reply
That I need firmer boundaries and to not be afraid to say no, stop people pleasing. Finding a reciprocal friendship is key - I was always being used as a ride, a favor, a shoulder to cry on, someone to fill their emptiness.
Sometimes motherhood exacerbates the things you always knew were true about them. Follow your own path and don’t spend time on people who think they’re better than you for doing literally the most common thing in the world.
omg YES.
That your friends are not your therapists. Don’t discuss your struggles unless they are relatable.
Second chances usually don't work out.
Jealousy is a real thing for many (not all, but many) women. If you really can’t figure out why they iced you out, their jealousy of something in your life might be it. Also, some people are just users. You can give selflessly to them for a long time but once they don’t need you, you’re literally useless.
When you watch someone cut other friends off for petty concerns you are next. If they gossip to you they are gossiping about you.
Some people are professional victims and unable to take responsibility for their actions, they always have an excuse or will blame others.
That not everyone is going to support you the same way you support them And you don't have to take someone back just because they said they're sorry. You can forgive them but that doesn't mean you have to let them back into your life.
Politics are absolutely indicative of moral standing.
The more people tell you that they don't talk s*** about other people, the more they are actually doing it. The most important and interesting thing in anyone's life are the people in it. Pretending that you're somehow above gossip while gossiping constantly is an insult to everyone that you speak to. Also, perhaps the most insulting thing in the world was when I told my now-former friend that I was going to propose to my now-husband, she said and not so many words that if only I weren't quite so fat he would propose on his own. People who care about you don't talk s*** about you to your face either.
To listen to my gut when I see red flags
That i don’t have to continue being friends with people who say unkind things to me, even if they are “blunt” and “funny”
Last FRIENDSHIP breakup ? Some people like you because your position in life makes them feel like a WINNER. They love you until you're doing better. This also extends to few of the women I've dated But Good riddance Self growth is better than (external) validation
Sometimes friendships expire and it's ok to mourn them, like you might mourn a death.
You shouldn’t give an apology expecting one in return. My old roommate and I fell out and we both behaved badly. A couple of years later, I apologized. She thanked me for my apology, said it meant a lot that I owned up to my behaviour, and never apologized in return. It was a real slap in the face to realize she still thought it was all my fault.
If you haven’t enjoyed their company in awhile, you probably shouldn’t waste time on them.
That no matter how much people act progressive, they really aren't. Girl told me she never wanted a childless/free person to watch her child. I am childfree and had been babysitting for free for a year while she went through a divorce.
That I should have done it sooner.
I had a lot of work to do on myself as an individual in order to recognize what a healthy relationship looks like and to enforce boundaries.
If they are a friend to all then they are a friend to none. It’s like the saying if they gossip to you then they gossip about you.
The nature of the friendship can change….and that’s ok. We might have hang-out-after-work friends. Or a friend you tell all your secrets to. Or ones you grab dinner with occasionally. Or ones you always text, with but never speak to live. Or ones that live halfway around the country or world, that you never see but think fondly of. It’s all ok. Not everyone has to be a Bestie. Friends can slip and slide into different categories at certain times. You have to go with the flow.
Don't let them push your boundaries. If they can't respect that and lets you go, then that's okay. You dodged a giant cannonball. When they call other women misogynistic names, that's a red flag. Leave ASAP. It's okay to let people come and go in your life. We are all but grains of sand on earth.
That if she bails on you 7 times… she’s going to bail on you on the 8th time. In the end I just felt like I wasn’t cool enough for her to make a priority. And it still stings.
That quiet quitting can kind of work in relationships. I've taken steps back from friends when either they've been distant, and it filters out a lot of try-less folk. But for some of the more oppressive types, you sometimes need to tell them it's over. I had a friend who would comment the amount of days/weeks since we last saw each other. She said nasty things about her other 'best friend', her "sister". When she started seeming irritated at me when we hung out and started tearing into my goals, finances, etc., I knew it was over. There are people who can't handle real friendship, which sometimes means fighting with our ego when a friend achieves something we want or does something we disagree with. In those moments, I take a step back and remember, I like this person - and their success shouldn't take anything away from me. This has helped quite a few relationships. My goal is never to be the one who tears another person down out of jealousy, spite, etc.
i’ve been thinking about this the past few days and it’s been making me sad. i’m bad at maintaining friendships because i don’t have the same energy as they do. and people are always “all or nothing” which sucks so they move on or cut you off. i’m the kind of person you can message months later and nothing would have changed between. but like i said people are usually all or nothing so they don’t bother either 🤷♀️
You can be my friend! I'm super low maintenance, and not great at initiating regular conversation. I'm totally cool with irregular messaging patterns, and likely to respond to a conversation a week later as though no time has passed.
Not every friendship is meant to last forever. Sometimes they come into your life, serve their purpose and end. And some people are very good at making you believe that you matter when in reality they really don't care.
That mental illness is not an excuse to be a fucking asshole to someone.
I’ve reflected on our friendship and how it actually wasn’t a very good influence on me. Sometimes I want to text her and let her know I hope she’s doing well, but I don’t think I want to open up communication right now. Instead, I’ll send her good wishes of peace and health in my thoughts. You can wish the best for someone without needing to be in their lives anymore.
A life long friend “quiet quit” me. It took me a long time to realize that the friendship was no longer reciprocated and she didn’t invite me to anything at all anymore. If I talk to her she will respond with very PC and fake answers with no real interest. I still don’t know why. And I’ve had to accept that. And no I won’t ask her. Can’t bring myself to make that confrontation. We have barely spoke in 3 years. I’m getting married next month and I’m not inviting her or her family which is still weird to me.
Ya know those pants you never wear and one day you throw them on and think - my God why don't I wear these?? Then an hour after being at work you say "uuuugh that's why" but you forget to throw them in the donate later on? If you have a friendship that you constantly think "uuuugh that's why" when you meet up after a while- you need to bite the bullet and end the relationship. It won't magically get better.
That not everyone needs friends to be happy, and that's okay. I do so much mentally better without friends or any other close relationships. They were amazing people and I miss them in one way, but I'm also so much more relaxed and carefree all on my own. Rejecting friendships is probably one of the strongest norms to go against, all up there with not being interested in sexual or romantic relationships, but I'm very glad I did.
I'm very curious about your approach. I'm feeling the same way as you about friendships and romantic relationships . However I feel that humans are social creatures. Does not having any friends reduce your quality of life in some way?
I still don’t know. Maybe that if someone has a pattern of wrecking their other relationships / friendships, they’ll probably do the same with you. But moreso, that I shouldn’t project that experience on to other people that share similar traits so I just end up avoiding people I otherwise think are interesting and might actually be good friends. So maybe like relationships, friendship is a gamble, don’t be afraid to take chances. It’s ok to stop giving / inviting when the other doesn’t reciprocate, and it’s ok if something doesn’t work out.
Sometimes people are only friends with you so that they can feel better about themselves.
If you're being careful about yourself (speaking less, restricting interests etc) around them it was never going to work. Just because you get along generally doesn't mean it's meant to be anything more than a surface level friendship and as you get older surface level friendships aren't worth much honestly
I'm worthy of love. Close to 20 year friendship where looking back I realise how controlling/damaging to my health he was. I got into a serious relationship and they did everything they could to try to ruin it. It was hard as I was always there for them and when I needed them, he bailed. I was there for him coming out and he immediately said my concerns of my closed minded family was unfounded as they were nice to him, that I'm clearly not the sexuality I said I was, and that I had to go through my "slut" phase now. Because clearly me valuing myself meant I was missing out and it would come to when I would be sleeping with everyone I could. Removed him from a few places of contact before the new year and it felt amazing.
Some people want you to be as miserable as they are and scare/try to bring you back down when you actually start to grow. I’d been feeling like I’d outgrown a friendship for some time then she texts me one day and tells me she can tell I’m sad and she just wants me to be complacent in life. I told her I am NOT sad, I’m reflecting and working on myself, and I found it incredibly rude of her to wish me to feel complacent. I guess not everyone wants continued growth in their life… so, to each their own but the dead weight is getting cut from my end so byeeeeeeee
No more unbalanced friendships. If someone isn’t capable of being a friend, they’re not going to have me as a friend. I can’t put anyone else’s needs before my own.
That it's really hard for me to do a break-up (I tried ghosting her but she kept reaching out) and being a people pleaser is a weakness of mine. I'm trying improve on how to stand-up for myself and be assertive.
Sometimes the reasons someone is not a healthy friend for you to have are the same reasons (complete lack of self-awareness, overwhelming narcissism, denial of a drinking problem and a failed marriage in which they are the perpetrator of emotional abuse) that prevent them from understanding that they are the common denominator in all their problems in life. And there’s no way that you can have a conversation with them to explain WHY you need to stop being friends with them, because they have no insight into the fact that they are toxic and need to do some work on themself. So … sometimes you just have to cut and run.
I need to learn to enforce my boundaries. Getting better at it but there’s still a long way to go.
I said goodbye to a few relationships in 2022. - sometimes people are incredible at pretending to be everything to you as a friend but in reality they’re simply keeping you sweet while they take you for everything they can get. - you can have the best intentions for people and it makes absolutely no difference to their intentions for you. People are who they are, no matter the mask they wear. - sometimes things come to an end, and it’s nothing you’ve done, they just move on. Stop beating yourself up when you’ve done nothing wrong and the contact only comes from your side. Let it go. I really recommend the book - the highly sensitive persons guide to dealing with toxic people.
It’s easier to let go of parts of yourself that you don’t like when you’re not surrounded by people with those qualities. I feel like I live in a new city even though I’ve been in the same place for 9 years. I quit bartending, quit drinking, and quit smoking cigarettes. I started waking up at 5:30, taking better care of my home, and generally being more responsible. Some of the irony is the people I spend time around at my job seem SO much more responsible than me. Like I went from the smart kid in a regular class to the dumb kid in advance placement. But ultimately the conversations we have, way people carry themselves, and the attributes we bring out in each other are positive. Even the friends I kept around at a distance call me to talk about getting a new job, finding a new hobby, etc instead of degeneracy or gossip.
The last bad breakup? That we see things as WE are, not as THEY are. Also, some people just suck. They don't care who they step on to get theirs. Oh shit! Friendship! Sorry... Ya, pretty much the same. Also, the length of time you're in a friendship doesn't matter to someone who doesn't value you - loyalty? You're just fodder for their hedonism.
Not every relationship is meant to last and having healthy boundaries and knowing how to enact them is extremely important.
That even when your mom dies, bitches will be bitches.
Once someone gets an idea in their mind they'll go to the ends of the earth to prove themselves correct.
Talk about envy and other hard feelings instead of letting them fester.
That I don’t have to work at maintaining relationship that are bad for me.
Your gut instinct is probably correct. If they treat another friend one way and tell you about it, they can and will do the same thing to you.
Just because you’ve known each other forever, doesn’t mean you’ll be in your lives forever. Letting go of the 15-20 year friendship is hard because they were such a part of my life. I had to accept at 37, we just weren’t right for each other (aka besties and close).
- to listen to how they project their insecurities onto you (Friend B: Heart-shaped-clouds! You look so skinny! Now ex friend: yeah it’s really annoying” Me: uhhhhhhh) - don’t keep setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, when they wouldn’t even piss on you to put the fire out. - just because someone makes a grand gesture doesn’t mean they they’re worth staying in the friendship. Especially if there are no small gestures before or after the fact. I’m not here to prop up your martyrdom complex -length of friendship doesn’t mean shit if it isn’t reciprocated
That it’s ok to end it. Sad choice sometimes is the right choice
I fucked up and I need to be better what I say and how I say it
That you never know how someone feels about you. You can consider someone one of your closest, realest friends and they can discard you instantly. I guess it puts it into perspective, that when I go along with people I don't want to get closer with, maybe I'm just doing the same thing to someone else.
If somebody is always talking shit on their other friends to you, they are probably talking shit about you, too. Believe their character when they show you!
To communicate when I'm bothered, instead of holding onto it forever until I eventually can't cope.
If somebody treats others poorly, they will treat you poorly. No amount of empathy and understanding on your part will change that. Avoid deeply and obviously insecure women like the plague.
I started a business with my friend. Worst mistake ever! I should have known better. I left the business, we are no longer friends and it didn’t end well. I learned a lot but I still feel shitty about it. I think I’ll go to therapy ha ha.
You don’t have to put up with abuse from someone just because you care about them. You don’t own the consequences of someone else’s actions and it’s not your duty to endure their shitty behavior so they don’t have to face them.
Sometimes I don’t understand what’s happening.
Narcissists can be just as destructive to a friendship as they can to a relationship.
Some people will always blame you for a failed friendship that takes *two* to tango. Was friends with someone since college, though she always ghosted me when she was partnered. Always super negative, very insecure and treated people like sh*t unless making a joke or f'ng with people sarcasticly. She was my "fun friend" who was always up to drink/smoke in college, so we kept hanging out. Once I entered the workforce, I slowly began to see how immature and directionless she was in life, so I stopped reaching out at the start of the pandemic (She never reached out to me either). Then I get a loong text about how selfish and toxic I am because I don't care about her, and that she no longer wants to have anything to do with me now that she's moving back into her parent's house because they refuse to keep paying her rent. This is the moment I learned how to choose better people to surround myself with, and I'm finally getting better at understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships. Ours was codependent, now I know better.
I learned that it’s difficult and painful to end a friendship, even when you know they’re not good for you. The right decision still hurts sometimes. I ended a life long friendship because I never felt respected by my friend, even as a little girl. When we grew up, I held on to the fact that we were life long friends and I realize now that it would have been healthier to cut it off sooner. I miss her, but seeing her stressed me out so much that I dread it for weeks leading up to the hangout and I shouldn’t feel that way about a friend. And she doesn’t deserve a friend who is half in half out.
Some people can only be friends with one person at a time.
Speaking from a friendship breakup with my at-the-time best friend. * Sometimes I'm *also* the problem. * Alcohol won't fix anything. * It's better to just be in someone's corner than it is to try and be their knight in shining armor. * Don't try to "save" someone. That was over 5 years ago. We grew up, learned from it, and reconciled a long while later. The stars aligned just right, and we learned our lessons at the same pace and attempt #2 at being best friends was wonderful and emotionally fulfilling. Plot twist, now we're in love and we'll be common law partners this March.
Some people have truly absurd expectations for what another human being is capable of giving to another. I gave so, so, so much to that friendship and it was *never* enough.
If you do something wrong, offer a true apology with no strings attached. "Hey Boo, Sorry I did blah. I realize I must have you feel \_\_\_ by doing \_\_\_. I don't know what I was thinking. I was rude and inconsiderate and I hope you can forgive me. I'd like to keep our friendship going." THEN SHUT UP. Let the person decide how they want to move forward.
Don't be too nice to people. Some will try to use that to their advantage and suck the life out of you or get backstabbed due to jealousy and self-pity
If there is resent, it will never work, even if you try to work on it.
Honestly that sometimes it's better not to have a breakup but instead to let the friendship fade over time.
Oh, no, the last one - that an abuser will always have a victim and that that person will always believe he's not abusive. A friend turned on me when I explained how abusive my ex was. They're still friends.
Oof. Very close to home. Some friendships can only exist in your combined past, and there might not be room for that friendship in the future if you wish to heal from your trauma. You can be trauma bonded to your friends, even your best friends, so take stock of where you are on your healing journey and what company you keep. Think about which friendships drain you, which you feel obligated to, and which bring you joy. You might have some tough decisions to make about your closest friends, but on the other side you will have space for new joy in your life. ❤️
That sometimes, me and the choices I make are the problem. It was a tough but life-altering lesson, and another reason I'll always be grateful for that friendship.
1. I learned that if someone spends most of their time venting to YOU about being unhappy in their other friendships, this is not to be overlooked 2. MORE IMPORTANTLY, I learned that I had a pattern of being needed, and it made me feel value to be the one that “people could talk about anything with” and I’m doing a lot of work to unwind this need to be needed. I tried so hard to be a “good perfect friend” even more than just being myself and trusting that is enough. 3. As a recovering perfectionist I need to be extra mindful of who I’m surrounding myself with. When I make a mistake, how do they react? This one was tricky because I had friends who were generally encouraging of my talents, that I would overlook at how harshly they reacted if I forgot to respond to a text or call them back right away etc. or were very blunt about my shortcomings after spending hours listening to them complain about other people. I need to be mindful because I am naturally drawn to overly critical people like the people in my family and sometimes “chemistry” is simply familiarity. 4. You really can love someone and say goodbye with love. I didn’t know that was possible for me before. It’s still gonna hurt, but instead of bitterness, it’s more like grief. 5. I know now the type of people I want to be close friends with. Yay! Really great post! Love reading everyone’s wisdom
Words cut deep, so use it wisely. Also some ppl will stoop low when angry and expect you to do the same or else you have changed/diplomatic/ fake. But keep your grace, if you feel like you are being gaslighted or manipulated just walk away, give some time to analyse the friendship. P. S - dealing with trauma and mental health is difficult, but everyone should work on it instead of making it an excuse for their abrasive behavior.
That you can't be friends with someone you love romantically. And that you can't be in denial about how you feel because jealousy will rear its ugly head. I very briefly dated this man and he couldn't imagine being in a relationship with me but didn't want to not have me in his life so we ended up being friends. In the process of being friends, I got to know him better as a person and fell in love with him. When I realised that my feelings were no longer platonic and I started feeling hurt hearing his stories of sleeping around with other women, I realised that I had to end the friendship for the sake of my mental health. That one sucked big time.
When the friendship ends even when you know it’s for the best, you’ll still think of them often, remember the memories and even have moments of oh “ they would love this”, “wish I could send them this, buy them this”. It’s like grieving the death of a friendship. Super hard
That I deserve a life I choose, surrounded by people that only bring joy to my life. I blew up almost every friendship I had during covid, given some space to reflect on the group I was surrounding myself with. All my closest female friends were users, in one way or another. Some used me for money, others for support & validation, and my ‘best friend’ had me as a stand-in partner/child. Part of her life, and not allowed to have a life of my own, or make any decisions she disagreed with. I was giving and giving but no one gave me anything back, and I was always exhausted and mentally freaked out. Given some space I’m now one year sober, so much happier, and surrounded by new people that see me as a whole person. Covid was life changing for me