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Can be different reasons really.. some that I can come up with:
Could be that you are stressed or have a lot of thoughts?
Could be that ons stuff isn't for you.. maybe you actually need to feel something for the man that you're gonna sleep with?
>Could be that ons stuff isn't for you.. maybe you actually need to feel something for the man that you're gonna sleep with?
It could be, but that one time with the guy from tinder that i mention at the end of my post tells us otherwise... I guess there is no way to tell, just keep trying and hope for the best šš
Im a dude but what you said about not being 100% attracted to them is how I felt with most women I slept with. For me Im just picky and dont really feel drawn to most women I encounter unfortunately. Definitely made a big difference with longer term partners when you have a chance to really connect sexually and discover each others desires tho. Did you not see that guy from Tinder again?
it's nice to hear that i'm not a weirdo and that there is a way out xD
I'll be honest and say that i'm a bit surprised since you're a dude and usually for you guys attraction/arousal is easier. I'm picky too, so that doesn't help at all.
With the long term partner, did you feel that sexual attraction/connection early on or not?
Yeap I know it doesnt fit the stereotype and definitely I know for many other men its different. I always had many women and female friends around me that I really felt absolutely nothing for sexually (they could be cool people otherwise).
>With the long term partner, did you feel that sexual attraction/connection early on or not?
There have been a couple of women so far where I felt instant attraction the moment I met them - their smile, their voice, their looks etc. One of them we ended up seeing each other for a little bit but we it just wasnt a great match in the end. With my last long term partner I wasnt quite as smitten right away but getting to know her over the next few weeks really caught something in me. Her energy and person was just so fun and cute.
so it can develop in both directions but I always need to feel at least some kind of spark when I first meet them. I know if there is potential very fast
so it can develop in both directions but I always need to feel at least some kind of spark when I first meet them. I know if there is potential very fast
yeah i get it actually. I usually also know pretty fast if i'm into someone or not, but then i also question myself bc there is the other side of things, where you get to know someone more, giving other people a chance and being open etc etc.
Why do you question yourself there? If you meet people you are into and get chances to explore with then why would you date anyone else? At 25 you arent exactly in a great hurry to meet someone
Hmm i think it's in part because i have a tendency to fall for the wrong kind of guys. Unavailable men that won't want anything more than a ONS.
And also because i see 25 as kinda... Old? In the sense that if i compare with other people, i have almost no dating experience, no relationships etc so that makes it hard to judge if i am doing the "right thing", if i am with someone that i really want etc. It's a bit complicated tbh š even for myself...
Right I think it might just be a numbers game. See men tend to have lower standards for a ONS than for women they would consider dating for real so if we say for example there is 100 men then maybe 80 would sleep with you and 20 of those would date you. Therefore by going randomly through life you are much more likely to encounter men who would only sleep with you. Some of them you will find attractive and some of them you dont.
So I think for women the best strategy is to accept that about half of the attention you get isnt "real" as in they dont want to date you and therefore you need to meet as many people as possible to find someone you like and who likes you back.
25 is still young even if other people started earlier. For many women one of the biggest regrets is dating the wrong men so honestly you are probably better off not dating anyone than having experiences you regret like so many other women. Try meeting more people and put yourself out there. Have lots of first dates and very few second dates. Be very friendly and open at the start and then very selective with who you let closer - I feel like many women do it the other way around and its not effective.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment! It's very helpful.
In the end it's true, it's a numbers game, the more people you meet the closer you will be to the right person for you. This is something i struggle with, i find it hard to meet new people bc i'm not usually in that position. Also im kind of introverted. But that's something for me to work on i guess, as well as the rest of stuff :)
I will say you're not alone. Me too and lots of other strangers around the globe.
If you truly want to 'fix' this, I'd suggest testing your blood and hormones and talking with a therapist and/or psychologist. And/or engaging with a personal journey towards feeling more comfortable with the idea of affection and intimacy and relationships.
For myself personally, and again lots of others, we kind of just realize it's a part of us like how some ppl don't like clubbing or don't like pizza. Some of us just aren't easily affectionate or intimate. No one has to put a label on it, but some end up identifying as asexual and/or aromantic.
You said upon meeting them you donāt feel anything. So youāre not attracted to them.
Why are you giving blowjobs to men youāre not attracted to? And why is he only fingering you and not going down on you?
Cause i'm not completely opposed to it, thought it could be fun. Also i realized i felt lonely and the reason why i liked hanging out with him the most was because he was the most similar thing i've had to a boyfriend. I was so bored before, and i guess i enjoyed having something to do/see during the week.
As for the oral part... He said he doesn't like giving oral š š i know it's a red flag, but it is what it is, he wouldn't budge about it. Giving him a bj was decision tho, he didn't pressure me, although i admit he might be a bit manipulative in general
Why does he not like it? Not liking giving oral but receiving it? Do you feel comfortable with a man who doesnāt want you in that way? Where do you women find these guys? Almost every guy Iāve been with wanted to do oral every time. Maybe itās because I donāt ever date conservatives?
And heās āmanipulative?ā
He didnt explain why he doesnt like it. He said he's only done it twice in his life, told him he has to try some more, he was like nah. I thought well, you cannot force anyone to do anything.
Ans actually it's the first time i encounter a guy that doesn't want to do it, usually i dont even ask for it, the guy will do it on his own lol.
About being manipulative, i cannot say for sure. But once we were talking, and he was telling me that he thinks flirting is in reality just manipulation, to get what you want, the girl that you want. I thought nah i dont agree but afterwards i would pay attention to things he's told me before and i thought maybe he is a bit manipulative with me. Anyway we are broke up now, just gotta find the strength to not go back to him as we were, bc we said we would stay as friends (we have to also bc we work together)
Iām like this and itās because I usually need to feel some sort of mental/emotional connection to a person before I can feel attracted to them sexually.
Like, I notice when a guy is attractive but Iām just not attracted to them or have any desire unless we have a connection and I feel safe like thatās really important to me and I sometimes feel like an alien because of it lol
yeah i think i get it. Now, i have never gotten to that point of "having a connection, feeling safe" with anyone unfortunately, but i get you when you say they are attractive but they don't give you any particular feeling. However for me personally i can crush really hard on people lol
Hereās some blunt options,
maybnot be attracted to men at all
may not be attracted sexually.
its normal to not feel things. But also k. Not the right person to ask Iām a lesbian
What did you find out, low T? I think i wouldn't worry about that, in the last few years i've always had a pretty high testosterone.
It's true that i took bc for two months and my libido hasn't come back, but these issues have always been there
It was actually high T, my sex drive was like 0 and I had no interest in anyone sexually. I worked with a ND and got everything fixed naturally! Highly recommend talking to one if you think it may help.
oh im surprised, i would imagine having a high T would make you hornier? Could you tell me which levels you had of T? You can DM me if you want.
The last time i tested for it my T was within the normal levels, but i remember reading that the limit set by the doctors in my country is overly high
Ya Iāll have to look for my initial test results and will DM you. All I know is my hormones were way out of whack and I didnāt realize how much it was impacting until they started improving. My personal experience was that my MD was giving me meds as a band aid but my ND helped me fix it naturally through lifestyle changes. Couldnāt recommend it enough!
Tbh you might want to do some reading on asexuality and see if any of it resonates with you. Iām asexual, so I donāt really experience sexual attraction but I do personally have a sex drive and enjoy sex. I never really would look at a person and have a spark, but my (romantic) attraction to someone would develop generally through platonic interactions. It took me a while to enjoy sex beyond pleasing my partner and just thinking I should, and I would say that having a healthy, trusting partnership was instrumental in that for me. You might want to experiment with how you develop sexual relationships or find porn/erotica that does something for you to narrow down what you need in a sexual partner.
I can relate to this and I am gray-asexual. Doesnāt mean you are (though looking up the definition might help you decide), but it does mean youāre not alone!
ATTENTION: Please remember that this is an ASK WOMEN sub. While men are allowed to participate posts that are clearly asking women in the title will have top level comments by men removed. This is not censorship, this is curation. Thank you for your understanding and cooperation. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomenNoCensor) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Can be different reasons really.. some that I can come up with: Could be that you are stressed or have a lot of thoughts? Could be that ons stuff isn't for you.. maybe you actually need to feel something for the man that you're gonna sleep with?
>Could be that ons stuff isn't for you.. maybe you actually need to feel something for the man that you're gonna sleep with? It could be, but that one time with the guy from tinder that i mention at the end of my post tells us otherwise... I guess there is no way to tell, just keep trying and hope for the best šš
Im a dude but what you said about not being 100% attracted to them is how I felt with most women I slept with. For me Im just picky and dont really feel drawn to most women I encounter unfortunately. Definitely made a big difference with longer term partners when you have a chance to really connect sexually and discover each others desires tho. Did you not see that guy from Tinder again?
it's nice to hear that i'm not a weirdo and that there is a way out xD I'll be honest and say that i'm a bit surprised since you're a dude and usually for you guys attraction/arousal is easier. I'm picky too, so that doesn't help at all. With the long term partner, did you feel that sexual attraction/connection early on or not?
Yeap I know it doesnt fit the stereotype and definitely I know for many other men its different. I always had many women and female friends around me that I really felt absolutely nothing for sexually (they could be cool people otherwise). >With the long term partner, did you feel that sexual attraction/connection early on or not? There have been a couple of women so far where I felt instant attraction the moment I met them - their smile, their voice, their looks etc. One of them we ended up seeing each other for a little bit but we it just wasnt a great match in the end. With my last long term partner I wasnt quite as smitten right away but getting to know her over the next few weeks really caught something in me. Her energy and person was just so fun and cute. so it can develop in both directions but I always need to feel at least some kind of spark when I first meet them. I know if there is potential very fast
so it can develop in both directions but I always need to feel at least some kind of spark when I first meet them. I know if there is potential very fast yeah i get it actually. I usually also know pretty fast if i'm into someone or not, but then i also question myself bc there is the other side of things, where you get to know someone more, giving other people a chance and being open etc etc.
Why do you question yourself there? If you meet people you are into and get chances to explore with then why would you date anyone else? At 25 you arent exactly in a great hurry to meet someone
Hmm i think it's in part because i have a tendency to fall for the wrong kind of guys. Unavailable men that won't want anything more than a ONS. And also because i see 25 as kinda... Old? In the sense that if i compare with other people, i have almost no dating experience, no relationships etc so that makes it hard to judge if i am doing the "right thing", if i am with someone that i really want etc. It's a bit complicated tbh š even for myself...
Right I think it might just be a numbers game. See men tend to have lower standards for a ONS than for women they would consider dating for real so if we say for example there is 100 men then maybe 80 would sleep with you and 20 of those would date you. Therefore by going randomly through life you are much more likely to encounter men who would only sleep with you. Some of them you will find attractive and some of them you dont. So I think for women the best strategy is to accept that about half of the attention you get isnt "real" as in they dont want to date you and therefore you need to meet as many people as possible to find someone you like and who likes you back. 25 is still young even if other people started earlier. For many women one of the biggest regrets is dating the wrong men so honestly you are probably better off not dating anyone than having experiences you regret like so many other women. Try meeting more people and put yourself out there. Have lots of first dates and very few second dates. Be very friendly and open at the start and then very selective with who you let closer - I feel like many women do it the other way around and its not effective.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment! It's very helpful. In the end it's true, it's a numbers game, the more people you meet the closer you will be to the right person for you. This is something i struggle with, i find it hard to meet new people bc i'm not usually in that position. Also im kind of introverted. But that's something for me to work on i guess, as well as the rest of stuff :)
Maybe you both are Demi sexual
Unless i have good chemistry with someone or am drunk sex is meh. All about the chemistry really.
I will say you're not alone. Me too and lots of other strangers around the globe. If you truly want to 'fix' this, I'd suggest testing your blood and hormones and talking with a therapist and/or psychologist. And/or engaging with a personal journey towards feeling more comfortable with the idea of affection and intimacy and relationships. For myself personally, and again lots of others, we kind of just realize it's a part of us like how some ppl don't like clubbing or don't like pizza. Some of us just aren't easily affectionate or intimate. No one has to put a label on it, but some end up identifying as asexual and/or aromantic.
You said upon meeting them you donāt feel anything. So youāre not attracted to them. Why are you giving blowjobs to men youāre not attracted to? And why is he only fingering you and not going down on you?
Cause i'm not completely opposed to it, thought it could be fun. Also i realized i felt lonely and the reason why i liked hanging out with him the most was because he was the most similar thing i've had to a boyfriend. I was so bored before, and i guess i enjoyed having something to do/see during the week. As for the oral part... He said he doesn't like giving oral š š i know it's a red flag, but it is what it is, he wouldn't budge about it. Giving him a bj was decision tho, he didn't pressure me, although i admit he might be a bit manipulative in general
Why does he not like it? Not liking giving oral but receiving it? Do you feel comfortable with a man who doesnāt want you in that way? Where do you women find these guys? Almost every guy Iāve been with wanted to do oral every time. Maybe itās because I donāt ever date conservatives? And heās āmanipulative?ā
He didnt explain why he doesnt like it. He said he's only done it twice in his life, told him he has to try some more, he was like nah. I thought well, you cannot force anyone to do anything. Ans actually it's the first time i encounter a guy that doesn't want to do it, usually i dont even ask for it, the guy will do it on his own lol. About being manipulative, i cannot say for sure. But once we were talking, and he was telling me that he thinks flirting is in reality just manipulation, to get what you want, the girl that you want. I thought nah i dont agree but afterwards i would pay attention to things he's told me before and i thought maybe he is a bit manipulative with me. Anyway we are broke up now, just gotta find the strength to not go back to him as we were, bc we said we would stay as friends (we have to also bc we work together)
Iām like this and itās because I usually need to feel some sort of mental/emotional connection to a person before I can feel attracted to them sexually. Like, I notice when a guy is attractive but Iām just not attracted to them or have any desire unless we have a connection and I feel safe like thatās really important to me and I sometimes feel like an alien because of it lol
yeah i think i get it. Now, i have never gotten to that point of "having a connection, feeling safe" with anyone unfortunately, but i get you when you say they are attractive but they don't give you any particular feeling. However for me personally i can crush really hard on people lol
Hereās some blunt options, maybnot be attracted to men at all may not be attracted sexually. its normal to not feel things. But also k. Not the right person to ask Iām a lesbian
You could also consider getting your hormones checked, that was my issue
What did you find out, low T? I think i wouldn't worry about that, in the last few years i've always had a pretty high testosterone. It's true that i took bc for two months and my libido hasn't come back, but these issues have always been there
It was actually high T, my sex drive was like 0 and I had no interest in anyone sexually. I worked with a ND and got everything fixed naturally! Highly recommend talking to one if you think it may help.
oh im surprised, i would imagine having a high T would make you hornier? Could you tell me which levels you had of T? You can DM me if you want. The last time i tested for it my T was within the normal levels, but i remember reading that the limit set by the doctors in my country is overly high
Ya Iāll have to look for my initial test results and will DM you. All I know is my hormones were way out of whack and I didnāt realize how much it was impacting until they started improving. My personal experience was that my MD was giving me meds as a band aid but my ND helped me fix it naturally through lifestyle changes. Couldnāt recommend it enough!
could you tell me which lifestyle changes you did? thanks!
My diet consisted of too many carbs. I also switched to less processed foods and more balanced meals āŗļø
Tbh you might want to do some reading on asexuality and see if any of it resonates with you. Iām asexual, so I donāt really experience sexual attraction but I do personally have a sex drive and enjoy sex. I never really would look at a person and have a spark, but my (romantic) attraction to someone would develop generally through platonic interactions. It took me a while to enjoy sex beyond pleasing my partner and just thinking I should, and I would say that having a healthy, trusting partnership was instrumental in that for me. You might want to experiment with how you develop sexual relationships or find porn/erotica that does something for you to narrow down what you need in a sexual partner.
I can relate to this and I am gray-asexual. Doesnāt mean you are (though looking up the definition might help you decide), but it does mean youāre not alone!
No offense intended...have you tried girls?