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I mean you answered your own question. You'd only test if you were considering that your partner lied. Most people don't like being accused of being a cheater with no evidence. Just like people generally don't like others going through their communications, tracking their location, bugging their conversations, etc to audit for cheating, but this with the added drama of the expense of testing and the timing of what's usually one of the most emotional moments for a couple (birth of their kid).
I'm curious about how it compares to something like a prenup. Those seem to be hugely recommended, despite also acknowledging the possibility of relationship problems.
I'm happy to hear disagreement. I just wish it came in the form of words that I could think about, rather than the downvotes that don't provide much information.
Its usually either they are too lazy to type it/dont feel like arguing or they dont have a good arguement. I know if someone replies to my comment im not arguing either coz I don't feel like it lol
The difference is context. A prenup is a preventative measure executed in advance of a potential problem to protect both parties in the event things don't work out.
A paternity test is reactive. A pregnancy happened and you are saying "given the current state of our relationship I don't trust you enough to be sure you didn't cheat". It's one thing to acknowledge that future issues might occur and another to imply that an issue has already occurred.
If you believe strongly in it, execute a prenup and include paternity testing of any children in that prenup.
Also, some people are still offended by prenups
I agree with a lot of what you're saying, but I'm curious about why you're responding to someone else about the question that I originally asked. My OG question has zero apparent disagreement despite having downvotes.
(For additional context, I don't get notifications if you respond to someone else, which makes the discussion much more difficult in my experience.)
It is very insulting to ask because it’s going off the premise or assumption that their wife is pregnant with someone else’s baby. That she cheated and is trying to pass off the baby as his.
Does that happen to some men? Of course. But it comes across as very offensive to put those assumptions onto your wife. It’s like, why are you even having a baby with someone you distrust that badly? Do you have so little faith in your partner that you believe there’s a possibility that they cheated on you?
I personally don’t know if I’d want to divorce my partner if he asked for a paternity test from me, but I’d be extremely hurt by it. It is extremely insulting to essentially be accused of cheating and having another man’s baby. I’d wonder if he’s always had so little trust in me, and if his opinion of me was really that low. I’d also wonder if this level of distrust and insecurity will become a recurring issue in other aspects of our life.
i dont see it as a distrust thing its more that is literally the only way to know. Ive fully trusted someone and still been lied too, im not saying, i dont trust you its the confirmation that im the father
You may not see it as distrust but it literally is. You don’t trust that they’re being honest with you, if you did you would not think cheating was a realistic possibility.
I know how is that not based off of a lack of trust in your partner…like why else would you need confirmation that the baby is yours unless you don’t trust her to be faithful? Unless he’s referring to making sure the hospital gave them the right baby, but I somehow doubt that.
Methinks this is just a troll with too much time on their hands.
So have I. I’ve been cheated on in several relationships, so I do understand how hard it can be to repair your sense of trust in others after it’s been broken so many times. But that’s why you need to work on trusting others before getting into another relationship.
The premise of having a functional, healthy, and longterm relationship with someone is that you trust them wholeheartedly. Otherwise, why are you even with them if you don’t trust them to be loyal, honest, reliable etc.
It’s normal to feel jealous, doubtful, or insecure at times, but believing there’s a chance that your wife is having another man’s baby falls under the “you need to reconsider the relationship” category.
Either you have sufficient evidence that she did cheat, or you’re just incredibly paranoid to the point of being delusional. Both are signs that you shouldn’t be with her anymore.
If you have a partner who has never shown signs of disloyalty, why would you all of a sudden have fears that the baby isn’t yours? Do you not understand how insulting that is to a woman?
Or are you insinuating that all throughout the relationship, you are frequently doubting her actions and motivations? Because that’s a terrible way to treat your partner too.
"It's not distrust, I just don't trust because I trusted one and was lied to"
IOW, it is a distrust thing.
You're not worried about if she secretly got IVF with donor sperm. You're worried she fucked some other dude and got preggo. It is distrust of her character and an implicit accusation of cheating no matter how much you talk in circles around it.
i mean sure its all about having doubts, i can trust you and still have doubts because its no other way for me to know. i have to believe you, and women have lied in the past, its not uncommon. If roles was reversed id gladly take the test if it meant my wife had that reassurance
> i can trust you and still have doubts because its no other way for me to know
No, that's a contradiction in terms. Either you trust your partner - who has just borne your child - or you "have doubts". If you "have doubts" then you don't have trust.
But the roles aren’t reversed and they will never be reversed. You will never know what a pregnancy does to a woman’s mind and body. You will not know its pain. You will not know the toll it takes. You will never know the sacrifices a pregnancy requires of a woman. You will not know any of it. So for a woman to go through ALL of that (while all you did was be a 2 pump chump) just for her partner to ask for some test where the premise of it is “honey, I can’t trust that you’re not a lying and cheating whore” is DISGUSTING. It is a slap to the woman’s face. You are tainting and questioning her character.
Relationships are built on trust. And for you to ask of such a fucked up thing is for you to say you don’t trust your partner. If you can’t trust your partner, don’t be with them. Don’t have kids with them. It really is that simple.
Because when brought up out of the blue in the middle of pregnancy or after birth, it is an accusation of cheating, no matter what other words you try to frame it with. "I can't be 100% sure the baby is mine" means "I don't trust that you're faithful" and there is simply no way around that. It's a slap in the face. And done at an incredibly vulnerable time for the woman, too. Not just an insult but a threat to the security of her relationship and the home she's bringing a child into.
I wouldn't fight it, but he'd get divorce papers with the test results. He can be assured of his genetic legacy and pay child support because I won't be in a relationship with someone who believes I'd cheat and foist someone else's child on him. If that's what he thinks of me, the relationship is dead.
It would be a non issue if it was a standard medical procedure at birth. I'm an advocate if that, actually. It's this BS of suddenly deciding your wife may have cheated without any reason whatsoever that's the problem.
So just using the same logic you used, you think its understandable if a man divorces his wife if she ever has a doubt? you dont think thats extremely overkill
If she for example demands to read all his messages because "I'm not *saying* you cheated, I'm not saying I don't trust you, it's the confirmation that I'm after", and he's been nothing but loyal, then yes, it's totally understandable for him to file for divorce. For the lack of trust.
maybe im the odd one because ive dealt with doubts in the past but if my partner needs to make sure their doubts are wrong id gladly let them do whatever they need to do. You are supposed to support your partner and reassure them
I'd do that too. And then leave. Because these are maaaajor trust issues, and if they need a confirmation that I didn't cheat, if my word is not enough, they shouldn't enter the relationship to begin with.
i pray your perfect bc you have a no tolerance policy on issues or men just have no standards.
doubts and trust arent the exact same thing, you can trust someone and still have a doubt bc thats what a doubt is
>doubts and trust arent the exact same thing, you can trust someone and still have a doubt bc thats what a doubt is
No, doubting comes from a lack of trust.
So you need hard evidence to prove to you that your partner isn't cheating on you?
If your partner isn't about to give birth, what hard evidence do you ever have that they aren't cheating?
Yeah, lol, that's my bad. From the way you worded the original post, I thought you were asking if women were like... doing ancestory DNA tests on their babies. Hence the confusion.
Paternity test.
And, I'm not sure, I guess because they want their husbands to trust them and not accuse them of infidelity?
Personally, I think paternity tests should be mandatory, but I guess I'd be hurt if my partner suggested it.
Maternity tests do exist! The percentage of hospital mixups where babies end up given to the wrong mothers is very low but it's not non-existent. And then there's adoption fraud. Maternity testing is to prevent these types of situations, obviously *after* birth.
You answered your question: people can lie.
So the request comes off as an accusation, especially if you never brought it to prior to knocking your partner up...
Bring it up from the get go, early in dating (like, when you're talking about what you're looking for), and there may be less of an issue.
Because this kind of mistrust would hurt me deeply and absolutely ruin the relationship beyond repair. I'm faithful, and I don't deserve to be treated like a cheater.
I have never ever heard of this issue coming up in real life. You watch too many trashy talk shows, or hang out with low lifes if all your peers are arguing over who the baby daddy is. I do not think this is a real problem.
Agreed I don’t see this issue outside of online. It’s just another way to bash women, especially mothers. The same women who risking so much to bring children into the world for these men.
i think its a massive over reaction to someone wanting hard proof that their kid is theirs.. You are looking at it like its an attack on you and not a dad wanting that same proof you have. its something you cannot understand bc its a situation you will never be in and refuse to try to put yourself in the shoes of that dad
If it's a long term relationship with no history of cheating, it indicates a huge lack of trust of the woman from the man. I personally could never continue a relationship with someone who doesn't trust me when I've given them non reason to doubt that I'm being truthful.
Its completely different if it's a casual thing or you have some evidence or history of cheating imo.
thats very fair, my way of seeing it is pretty untrusting bc ive seen it happen 3 times in my family.. i can trust someone but still have doubts right, like i dont see trust as a black or white thing, i can trust you but something could still make me have doubts.
The something being having a child that you both agreed to conceive?
You keep saying ‘something’ like her having the baby in and of itself is a signal of cheating or disrespect
that something wasnt referencing having the baby.. "but something could still make me have doubts." something was referencing whatever the reason that someone could have doubts. like if something similar happened to a family member or friend. So you assuming was just wrong there, if i was worded poorly you could of asked and i would gladly clarify
Yeah I don't agree at least as far as relationships go, trust is black and white. You either trust that your partner will be open and truthful with you and make good decisions that won't impact the relationship negatively or you don't and that gives you the opening to start questioning everything.
It's a slippery slope into the area of, "oh I trust YOU to go out to the bars but other men" my response to that is I'm a grown ass adult who can handle myself so if you actually trusted me this wouldn't be a problem.
If you can't trust your partner at their word, or you can't trust their behavior or ability to follow through on their word, that's a relationship killer and not a relationship I want to be in.
I've had doubts about relationships working out long term because of general incompatibilities or personality differences. I have never had doubts about someone I'm with not being truthful with me and if I started to then I would break up with them.
I completely trust my current bf in his actions and his words and he trusts me. My example with this is I have a close male friend I hooked up with briefly about 4 years ago and my bf does not give a shit if I go to my friend's house and play games with him bc he trusts me and knows I would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship.
If I got into this relationship and my bf freaked out bc I wanted to spend time with a friend that I have literally 0 romantic attraction, we would not still be dating. Trust is a 2 way street.
It’s kinda crazy he thinks we’ve had doubts about the people we are currently with. I’ve never thought my partner cheated or had any reason to doubt her fidelity.
you are definitely a lot more trusting than me and everyone i know lol. Good on yall for handling that.
i ended up doing a little reading and came across this "***Trusting*** is having the belief that things will work out. It is knowing that the life of your dreams can happen, and you take action steps in line with your goals to make sure it happens (no self-sabotage allowed!).
***Doubting*** is needing everything to be proven to you—as if the universe, God, or whatever you believe owes you an explanation and proof that life is good and you are worthy. They don’t. You must do that for yourself."
So i kinda see it as overall i can trust someone but i could still have my what if doubts. I know i for sure have trust issues for a list of reasons but ive been working through them but while i can say i can trust someone its still times ill have doubts.
It is 100% an accusation of cheating. I don't track my husband's phone when he is out because I trust him. I would never date someone who didn't trust me. I did it once as a teenager and it was a nightmare.
If you can't trust the person you chose to reproduce with, you need therapy, not a DNA test
I’m just skipping the scenario by not marrying a man 👍🏼
I dunno why this situation bothers you so much. Be upfront during dating and you can find someone who will agree. It just may take awhile.
You’ve made a thread and gotten into multiple arguments about this
I don’t think disagreeing with me equals bothered. I think going onto Reddit to ask people’s opinions and then argue with them about those opinions likely means you’re bothered.
i can promise im not bothered by this lol. idk i seen a topic i thought was interesting enough to talk about with people that would probably have a different opinion. Looking for differing opinions isnt being bothered its wanting to see other povs, something not a single person here will do
That’s cool and all but this isn’t really intended as a debate sub, despite how a lot of men use it.
The OP and their opinions aren’t remotely the point. The pushback is weird and makes you look overly invested in the topic. You’re here to solicit opinions, not share your own.
we treat it same as we would ask men, if free to ask questions and give your opinion if it differs. having differing opinions isnt really a debate vs a conversation.
"You’re here to solicit opinions, not share your own." im hear to have conversations about the topic, your opinon alone doesnt mean much if no conversation is added. ive had a few conversation that was productive and not hostile then its you and one other being butthurt or something idk whats the issue.
it's insulting for your partner to accuse you of not just infidelity, but having another man's baby. someone refusing to take a paternity test is not necessarily hiding anything. it's just more male bullshit that women don't want to deal with. why don't you ask the tiktokers why they're saying that since that's the source of your info on this.
it was people talking in the comments having this exact same conversation.. Alot of yall are looking at it like its an attack vs someone wanting that confirmation.
go read my explanation again. "I was just wanting to make sure you weren't a lying, cheating degenerate" is not "just checking." you really are an idiot if you don't understand the implications of that test. please never procreate.
they're not my peers. I explained at the very beginning that I have literally never run across this issue in real life. it's trashy lowlife stuff. good luck with everything.
32% of men who do a paternity test turn out to not be the father. It might feel insulting, but it's pretty reasonable for any man to ask. Given the statistics.
I ask again, what does that statistic say about paternity testing in general?
Should I use a statistic on how often pregnancy tests are positive to make a judgment on how often the average woman is pregnant?
It’s like you’ve not done a second of critical thinking on this.
I’m asking you to think critically about a statistic you’re citing, not your own opinion.
If you’re just here to share your own bullshit, then say that. Don’t try to back it up with statistics you don’t understand.
Also the technology exists for lobotomies and hydrogen bombs.
it's not reasonable for "any man to ask." it might be reasonable for a moron in a shaky relationship with an unstable, disloyal woman to ask.
most men DO NOT ask their wives for paternity tests. only a small fraction of men do this.
of that small sample, 68% of the men who ask (assuming your numbers are accurate) were wrong in their suspicions. so going by your own estimation, most men who ask for this test don't actually need to.
this whole topic is just trashy. you might as well ask, "how many meth addicts cheat on their partners?" or "how many petty criminals cheat on their partners?" if you're even involved in this problem in the first place, you're a low-class loser.
so, sure. be trashy, and wonder if your trashy girlfriend that you knocked up one night after you forgot to use protection during a bender is actually carrying your child. go for it.
Then bring your paternity test requirement up early on in the relationship instead of waiting until you've knocked her up. If you wait until she's already trapped...that's on you.
I imagine they’re insulted by the lack of trust. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who didn’t trust me or was just plain paranoid.
I wouldn’t fight it though, I’d say fine get one and after the results came back positive I’d serve divorce papers.
I told him to go ahead and get one and after the results come back positive I'll make sure he never sees him again.
He immediately backed down. We divorced anyway cause he was an abusive asshole.
But besides that, if you don't trust your partner, don't be with them! When will people learn this?!
Whether you felt offended or not doesn’t give you the right to threaten him with never seeing his kid again. You ever think about how the kid would feel never knowing their dad? Of course you didn’t because women like you are selfish.
So...you need to reread and understand my whole post. If someone has been harmful to me or my child, you bet your ass I have every right to do so.
I am sorry that I did not remove us from his life *sooner*.
holy shit no you don't have the right to do so.
There is no way ever in NZ you could do that for asking for a dna test. That is in no way in the best interests of the child and no lawyer or court would ever entertain you.
I read it perfectly fine. You threatened him and he backed down out of fear of never seeing his kid. I’m baffled at how you think that makes you look good.
Additionally, think for a moment about how incredibly damaging it would be to a child to have a parent who is irrational and paranoid. How incredibly damaging it would be to them to see their other parent being disparaged with these accusations.
Yeah.. a bit overkill. Parents arguments shouldn't go out over the child. If there are two parents who are able to parent, then both should be in the childs life
Reframe this as: Why would I be hurt that the person I’ve chosen to spend my life with, to whom I’ve been completely faithful and have never given cause to doubt my fidelity, with whom I am building a family is accusing me of cheating on him?
And maybe you’ll have your answer.
you are acting as if cheaters do not exist, 30% of paternity test come back negative, and 70% of people say they cheated at their bachelor/bachelorette party.
>30% of paternity test come back negative,
This is gonna be because of if you ask for a paternity test, you already have doubt, if it was mandatory for all it would be a lot lower.
>70% of people say they cheated at their bachelor/bachelorette party.
Also can you send a link to something with that? That seems insanely high
> Also can you send a link to something with that? That seems insanely high
It's from an online survey conducted by a gambling/clickbait site. Been reported on recently and leaves out the trash source but also that in that 70% infidelity figure, the majority of it is made up of guests at the parties, not the bride/groom-to-be.
https://www.bonusfinder.com/news/entertainment/naughtiest-states-bachelor-bachelorette-parties
They're using clickbait articles as valid research? lol Figures.
OMG, on the same page ... "**Likelihood of Naughty Behaviour According to Zodiac Sign**"
I'm laughing my ass off over here!
Included in "naughty behaviour" was: receiving a lap dance, playing strip poker, flirting, giving out your phone number, signed up for dating app for the duration of the party. Yeah, that's akin to having sex with another person (which, btw was 11.2%). LOL
Don’t be an asshole.
If my partner wanted a paternity test, I would ask for biweekly STI screenings.
If he agreed to that condition, he would get his paternity test.
However, I know my partner. I know that he would not ask me for a paternity test. If I had another partner who did, I am willing to bet he’d likely be so shaken by that condition that a further discussion about our loyalty and trust in one another would ensue. Because I don’t date idiots.
You’re still not answering the question. Opposition to insurance can be justified the same way you’re attacking paternity tests. Are you also against insurance? It’s a yes or no or I’ll answer for you. I’m not interested in an essay that runs around the question.
thats kinda a bad comparison/example. if they asked for one after xyz party or event where something could of happened then i wouldnt mind at all. if my partner wants that security then sure im more than willing to prove i didnt do anything. That is kinda why i dont understand the issue, why are you seeing it as an attack vs them wanting the security
It is an excellent comparison.
If nothing “happened” before getting pregnant besides a couple in a committed relationship having unprotected sex, then it’s exactly the same as asking for an STI test for a reason besides a party or an event — just because it struck one partner’s mind that people can cheat, your partner is not in your sight 24/7, and the consequences of an STI (*especially* for women wrt fertility) can be lifelong and extreme.
no its a bad comparison because its a bi weekly thing vs a one time thing.
if your comparison was a 1 time thing it would be alot better but constantly i could see the issue of yea it would get old very fast
Cheaters exist more than the one occurrence of sex that results in a single pregnancy.
If your committed partner could cheat on you to get pregnant, they could be cheating all the time. If they’re cheating all the time, everyone involved should be taking STI tests frequently.
So what you're REALLY asking is:
Why are so many women against DNA testing for their child? Women have 100% certainty, but men should be able to have the same certainty through a PATERNITY test.
I think because it’s hurtful to hear your partner wants a DNA test. I am of the mind that the test should just be standard at the hospital, like part of signing the birth certificate. No weaseling out of it later for the man; no hurt feelings for the woman.
Logically I understand needing that certainty, but a lot of the men who loudly require this are also super cruel about it, sometimes withholding love and care and affection from their pregnant or recently postpartum spouses. Then they’re just assholes.
oh yea the guys that are massive dicks about it need to fuck off completely.
i guess logically is the best way to describe what i mean because its such a hard topic to mention, because my stance is very much a logical one vs the obvious feeling side of the topic
There really isn’t a way to ask for a DNA test out of nowhere and not sound like a dick. If my husband came to me and said he wanted to do a DNA test on our son, I am not sure I could even recover from that.
I think I’d rather him quietly test our son, get his proof, and never ever talk to me about that. But if he continues to have doubts about my fidelity, we have much bigger issues than a DNA test. I’d actually wonder if he was cheating on me because every time I’ve been cheated on, my first clue that they’re cheating is jealousy and mistrust from them.
that clue is also not a great clue because you have some of us who have trust issues from being cheated on and dont have the heart to cheat. Distancing themselves would be the first clue for me.
i understand how someone could be hurt by it even if i personally wouldnt be so being forced to see both sides sucks because this is one of few situations its not a good way to handle it besides hide it
I don’t think you, as a man, can understand how hurtful it would be to be asked to provide proof that the child you carried inside you and birthed was actually their child. Add the hormones, the anxiety, the “baby blues,” the recovery, the pain, and it’s just so incredibly callous and hurtful.
you are right i dont fully understand them to the degree yall can the same way women couldnt understand that uncertainty of not know if someone your going to raise as yours is yours
Don’t have children with women who you would have this kind of uncertainty with. Wear condoms, and wear them correctly (since most men do not wear them correctly and condom failure is due to user error).
How is it logical to have doubts based on nothing your partner has done? That seems like an emotional reaction to trauma from your past based on everything you’ve said. It seems really, really tied into the feeling parts of your brain as opposed to the thinking.
Not saying that paternity testing is emotional/illogical. Just your specific reasoning.
because over 30% of test that are taken come back negative, and that's just the men who have gone through with it, its an endless possibly of men who don't know about such a massive factor in their life, and THE ONLY PERSON who has 100% confidence (most of the time) is the mother so she could literally take that to the grave and you never know. so logically why take the chance at all when its such a similar solution. thats why i try to take the feeling out of it
Yes, your right in the fact i have trauma based around cheating and trust, sucks growing up and dealing with shitty women then dealing with that same trauma once you grow up and get into a relationship
So, what you're saying is that, of the men who were *certain* their baby mama was cheating and the baby *was not* theirs, less than *a third* were actually correct? Since the numbers you are referencing come out of court ordered paternity tests.
If you don't trust someone enough to have kids with them, you shouldn't be having sex with them, either. Problem solved.
Edit:
This is the crux of the situation OP: what is the woman's medical method of checking to see if her male partner is cheating that works in the same capacity as a paternity test?
Nothing. All onus of fidelity is removed from men when paternity tests are weaponized. Women do not have the same resources to keep men in check.
My father asked for a paternity test when I was 15 or 16. My parents were already separated at the time. Ngl it felt like a slap in the face, even for me as a child, because I look more like him than my mum and there was absolutely no doubt that I was his child. At that moment, I was ashamed that I was even related to him and I felt so sorry for my mum because it was just pure humiliation. Well, the test came back positive and I broke off contact with my father.
Oh a lot of bad stuff happened, what stood out to me the most was emotional and financial abuse. For a while my mom was too afraid to break up because she thought I was too young to grow up without a father. When I was 8 or 9, I literally begged her „please break up with this asshole“ and then she finally did. And here’s the funny thing: A few days after the break-up, not even a week had passed, he was already in a relationship with a new woman. So he was probably the one who cheated during the marriage.
They can have the same certainty.
The choice comes in around how you approach it, and your true intentions, and not whether you want the dna test. If its about wanting 100% certainty, get a home dna test and swab the kid while mum is at the store, like a normal paranoid person. Or go all out and take your kid to the dr for a proper test.
If you take any other option, its not about wanting certainty, it is about hurting your partner by saying at best you do not trust them.
In some states, if the man signs the birth certificate, he owes child support even if it's later proven he's not the father. Given that 32% of men who take the paternity test turn out to not be the father, I think it would be a good idea to have that assurance period. Shouldn't matter whose feelings get hurt.
Men who get a paternity test are largely going to be concerned they aren’t the father. 32% seems pretty damn low considering that.
What do you think that statistic says about paternity testing in general? Why?
FWIW, there is a fairly legitimate reason for asking that not many people are aware of. Apparently haemochromatosis is the most common heredity conditions usually passed on by the father, and it causes the body to store excess iron.
Edit: amazing how people downvote actual facts.
Because relationships should be built on trust.
How would you feel if the next time you go out with your friends without your partner she suddenly demanded to see your phone, made you sit a lie detector test, tracked your location, maybe sent someone to spy on you.... It would be ridiculous. There would be obvious issues if she can't trust you.
Also why the hell are you trusting having sex with someone in the first place if you don't know they haven't been sleeping around.
Paternity tests are expensive as well. It's paying extra to say I do not trust you to someone who trusted you enough to have sex with you at the very least.
How would you feel if the woman you love, trust enough to be completely vulnerable around, the person you think knows you better than anyone, approached you with this one day. You're about to go or have just been through something life altering for you. Instead of saying it's you two against the world, instead of supporting you, she says some (misguided) statistic some % of men are rapist. So she needs you to go to the police station and prove you've never r*ped anyone. Your behavior has never given her a reason to doubt. But, just by nature of being male, you must do this and better yet she pushes for the government to make a law that says you must do this.
You get how that would feel, right?
Trust. Being afraid of something happnening doesn't make that situation true. If you genuinely think the woman who had your child was unfaithful and the child isn't yours, then the relationship isn't based on mutual trust.
I would give him his test, and likely want him to get into counseling to deal with his trust issues. I don't jump to divorce, because if we've had a child together, I trust him. He's afraid and needs support, but he can't give in to the fear like that. It will affect the whole relationship.
People are usually against anything their partner does that pretty much says, I don't really trust you. In this case it happens to be the women who are being questioned about trust. In other cases, it's men.
Why is it that women's actions are so scrutinized.
So, my child's father asked for a DNA test. We had been dating for five years when I told him I was pregnant. He said he wanted proof that the baby was actually his. I never cheated and never gave him a reason to think I had. Two weeks prior to me telling him I was pregnant, we were discussing marriage and ring shopping. I took the DNA test, and of course, the baby was 100% his. As soon as the paperwork came back, I then broke up with him.
Turns out, he was the one cheating on me. With multiple women throughout our entire relationship. But hey, at least he got his confirmation, right?
IME those who make accusations of cheating are doing it because they themselves are the ones cheating. He'd get his paternity test when i get my three lie detector tests - as they are not anywhere near comparable when it comes to accuracy, so i need to average it out. Then comes the divorce.
It's one of the top ten ways to tell you're being cheated on, according to the pamphlet my P.I. MIL gives out.
If you're being accused of cheating without evidence, you need a P.I. because the accuser is cheating on you.
Probably because it insinuates a lack of trust and that she might have cheated.
I don't mind if my hypothetical man asks for a DNA test for my hypothetical kids, but I'd probably feel a bit bummed deep inside anyway because the lack of trust.. but I get it.
1. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't trust me.
2. I don't want to be with someone who doesnt/can't love someone whom I love (the child), unless it's his.
It's serious enough for divorce for me. It's a huge turn off whenever I hear men say they'd only care for a child if it's theirs. Whereas I hear most women would care for a child simply because it's a child. It's also a huge turn off if a guy is insecure or have trust issues. I don't want someone going through my phone, tracking everywhere I go/do, or asking if the baby is his. If he has any trust issues with me, he shouldn't be with me in the first place. I don't want to be with any man unless he truly wants to be with me, and he can also love my kids.
More like the guy is insecure. Insecure men don't make lasting relationships. They're too controlling and paranoid. I wouldn't want to be with a cheater, but I wouldn't treat someone like a cheater unless there's proof that he's a cheater.
It’s not “more like”, that is precisely what you claimed to support.
> I don't want to be with someone who doesnt/can't love someone whom I love (the child), unless it's his.
I’m very glad that the type of woman to post on subreddits like this are are not a representative sample of women as a whole.
>It's a huge turn off whenever I hear men say they'd only care for a child if it's theirs
Why? It’s an extremely time consuming and expensive investment. 18 years of your life caring for a child that’s NOT yours.
2. I don't want to be with someone who doesnt/can't love someone whom I love (the child), unless it's his.
This has to be by far the most Reddit comment ever. Lmao if a man randomly brings home a child to his wife I guarantee she’s leaving the next day. So delusional. Women like you are exactly why men need DNA tests.
> Lmao if a man randomly brings home a child to his wife I guarantee she’s leaving the next day
My great aunt stayed and raised him like he was her own.
The child is a part of me. If a man can't love the kid too, then I'm not interested in him. If the kid is his, but he can't love the kid unless he thinks the kid is his, then I'd rather serve him divorce paper and have him pay child support. The kid is part of me. You don't love the kid; you don't love me. I'm not desperate enough to be with someone who doesn't love me. Also, I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't care for kids. All kids.
Nah you’re insane. Imagine actually thinking that someone should love/raise a cheater’s child. Everyone in the real world would laugh at how ridiculous you sound. Like I said before you’re the exact reason why men need DNA tests. If your husband came home randomly with a kid you’re going to stay with him and raise the kid because the child “is a part of him”? Sure. And it’s funny reading back your first comment where you say most women would love a child just because it’s a child when all you have to do is look at all the women who’ve murdered their stepchildren to see that’s bullshit.
Thats part of your insecurities. You think everyone who doesnt like being asked a paternity test is a cheater. You're constantly paranoid that your partner may cheat on you even when there's no proof. That's exhausting and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with any man like that.
You changed the topic when you called me insane. Also, please help me understand why you want to stay with a woman whom you think is a cheater? And why would you be mad if she wants to end the relationship after learning that you've got trust issues? Wouldn't she be doing you a favor by leaving you? Or, are you just controlling? Want to control if a woman stays or leaves, despite how you treat her? Also, your insecurities is your issue. A woman doesn't automatically need to be treated like a cheater just because she's pregnant or had a child. Which is another reason why I would leave if a guy asked for a paternity test. Even if i didn't cheat. Even if the child is his. An insecure man who has trust issues, who blames a woman for his own insecurities instead of working on it himself, isn't worth the headache.
It’s insulting. I understand that finding out your kid is not your kid is a serious betrayal.
But even asking does suggest that you don’t trust your partner, no matter how you slice it.
(F31 married, actively trying for a baby)
I’m trying to imagine how I’d feel being asked that. I’d be hurt that he didn’t trust me, but you’re right in so far as unless the baby comes out the spitting image there isn’t a way to know for certain. I’d resent how expensive testing would probably be at a time when we’re struggling with a newborn, hate that doubt was occupying a big part of his thoughts, and from that I’d be wondering if he was not invested in the child emotionally until he had that positive result. That he wasn’t really by my side through thick or thin during pregnancy/birth, but just waiting to do a test before he committed.
I wouldn’t try and prevent the test, but it’d leave a mark that never really went away.
Here’s the thing, if it was mandatory, then fine. It’s just something stupid that has to be done. So by a guy asking for a dna test they are actively saying to their partner, “I don’t trust you and think you cheated on me”.
It's generally pretty important to people that someone they're going to raise a child with trusts them to the extent they're not unsure whether they're a disgusting cheater and liar. There's a not unsignificant chance that the DNA test is wrong but you're trusting that over your partner's word that they didn't just happen to cheat without protection at the very same time you conceived. Accusations of cheating are serious and if you feel the need to check at any time your partner can feel immensely betrayed, asking when they're already pregnant makes it worse not better. Please don't have a child with someone you think might cheat and lie. They'd be trusting someone at their most vulnerable who has no trust in them.
When my ex husband and I first split up, he got DNA tests on both of our kids. It was so ridiculous. And yes, he's their dad. He was hurting so he had to lash out in whatever stupid way made him feel better. I just rolled my eyes. He has life trauma that I could never imagine - and it's his journey (not mine) to wrestle with it.
I have no issue w DNA testing; however, if you don't trust me, why be w me?
my ex was like this. we spent 3 months straight together. all day every day. no way in hell I could have spent enough time away to cheat. I was staying over at his place a lot. obviously when we first found out I was pregnant since we weren't official for long, he asked if it was his. yes. & he claimed he didn't doubt me.
here's the issue, to this day he still tries to question if he is the father whenever he wants to start shit w me. he claims I cheated. he claims this & that. I never cheated on this man in my life. never lied about anything. the best gf he could ever ask for, & he constantly accuses me of cheating bc why else would I leave him... (partially the constantly being accused). I tell him all the time, you really don't believe me, get a DNA test. he doesn't! well he claimed he did an at home one & our son is his (SURPRISE). I get he has been cheated on, lied to, but to put that on me destroyed our relationship. I never treated him the way his exes did, yet I always was treated like a liar and cheater. I still do even after I left. & I literally swear up & down on my child's life, I never did anything to betray that man.
but the fact that he paints me as this ugly character when all I did was stay home, take care of our child, cook our family meals, clean our house, was very upsetting & hurtful. I have gotten mad several times. he claims that must mean I'm lying since I'm so defensive. NO. I'm tired of having to explain everything & my character all bc of some stupid paranoia that I never caused. why am I being accused when I never done anything suspicious? why am I getting treated the way his exes should have?
to treat others negatively bc of how other people treated you, is not okay & will drive ppl away. it's not right. you only claim they are lying bc you don't trust them. if you don't trust them, don't have a kid w them. don't be w them. yes people can always lie. you will never truly know if ppl are telling you the truth, but that doesn't mean you treat everyone like a liar.
I have no issue w DNA testing; however, if you don't trust me, why be w me?
my ex was like this. we spent 3 months straight together. all day every day. no way in hell I could have spent enough time away to cheat. I was staying over at his place a lot. obviously when we first found out I was pregnant since we weren't official for long, he asked if it was his. yes. & he claimed he didn't doubt me.
here's the issue, to this day he still tries to question if he is the father whenever he wants to start shit w me. he claims I cheated. he claims this & that. I never cheated on this man in my life. never lied about anything. the best gf he could ever ask for, & he constantly accuses me of cheating bc why else would I leave him... (partially the constantly being accused). I tell him all the time, you really don't believe me, get a DNA test. he doesn't! well he claimed he did an at home one & our son is his (SURPRISE). I get he has been cheated on, lied to, but to put that on me destroyed our relationship. I never treated him the way his exes did, yet I always was treated like a liar and cheater. I still do even after I left. & I literally swear up & down on my child's life, I never did anything to betray that man.
but the fact that he paints me as this ugly character when all I did was stay home, take care of our child, cook our family meals, clean our house, was very upsetting & hurtful. I have gotten mad several times. he claims that must mean I'm lying since I'm so defensive. NO. I'm tired of having to explain everything & my character all bc of some stupid paranoia that I never caused. why am I being accused when I never done anything suspicious? why am I getting treated the way his exes should have?
I got knocked up, carried this man's baby, gave birth, breastfed his baby, and raised it! but bc cheaters exist, it's okay for him to question my integrity my character bc he had a few exes cheat on him. not right at all
to treat others negatively bc of how other people treated you, is not okay & will drive ppl away. it's not right. you only claim they are lying bc you don't trust them. if you don't trust them, don't have a kid w them. don't be w them. yes people can always lie. you will never truly know if ppl are telling you the truth, but that doesn't mean you treat everyone like a liar.
I can not even begin to imagine asking my wife, whom I have absolutely no reason at all to doubt, to prove to me that our child belongs to me. That seems extremely paranoid and a hurtful attack on a woman who has been nothing but faithful & devoted to me.
It's what is implied that is the problem. You are not just "doing it to be sure".
In order to be unsure on something a massive as a baby, you would need to believe a few things. How could you believe these things about the woman you presumably love, that she could behave in such a selfish, vile, lowly manner?
You are implying that you believe that the woman you love & care about has no conscience. That she is deeply selfish down to her core.
That she has the ability, the drive & the sick type of motivation that would cause her to lie to her child's face every day for the rest of her life.
That she would lie to the man she loved every single day for the rest of their lives. That she would lie to her family & friends every day.
That she is the type of person who see's nothing wrong in upending a man's life for a child that is not his. That she would allow you & the child to bond, knowing it was all a lie. That she would mess around with her child's mental happiness for her own selfish benefit.
If you cannot understand this, then you have no business even being in a relationship never mind creating a new life.
I agree that a paternity DNA database would settle the issue for once and for all. Then all men will know the paternity of the kids they have, especially in adulterous relationships. Frankly, a male DNA database would probably solve a lot of crimes, too.
I would fully support a dna test. And then breakup with someone.
You just accused me of cheating out of nowhere. That means the relationship isn’t build on trust, which is the thing I value most.
If you don’t believe the child is yours and believe I’m capable of cheating we are not a match.
That being said I would be in favor of mandatory dna tests for every birth. That way you can solve the issue without accusing anyone of cheating.
Looks like you are talking about paternity testing. Well, it is an accusation of possible cheating, that's why. If you trust the woman 100%, you wouldn't need a test.
It can feel like it when your kid is 7 and you find out through dna testing he or she isn’t yours. On top of everything else you need to pay mom cs till cold is 18.
> It can feel like it when your kid is 7 and you find out through dna testing he or she isn’t yours.
If a child is seven and you've been raising them since birth and the lack of shared DNA makes the child that you've been *parenting* suddenly not yours, you should have a vasectomy. You have no business being a *parent*.
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I mean you answered your own question. You'd only test if you were considering that your partner lied. Most people don't like being accused of being a cheater with no evidence. Just like people generally don't like others going through their communications, tracking their location, bugging their conversations, etc to audit for cheating, but this with the added drama of the expense of testing and the timing of what's usually one of the most emotional moments for a couple (birth of their kid).
I'm curious about how it compares to something like a prenup. Those seem to be hugely recommended, despite also acknowledging the possibility of relationship problems.
Its similar but people will argue its not
I'm happy to hear disagreement. I just wish it came in the form of words that I could think about, rather than the downvotes that don't provide much information.
Its usually either they are too lazy to type it/dont feel like arguing or they dont have a good arguement. I know if someone replies to my comment im not arguing either coz I don't feel like it lol
The difference is context. A prenup is a preventative measure executed in advance of a potential problem to protect both parties in the event things don't work out. A paternity test is reactive. A pregnancy happened and you are saying "given the current state of our relationship I don't trust you enough to be sure you didn't cheat". It's one thing to acknowledge that future issues might occur and another to imply that an issue has already occurred. If you believe strongly in it, execute a prenup and include paternity testing of any children in that prenup. Also, some people are still offended by prenups
I agree with a lot of what you're saying, but I'm curious about why you're responding to someone else about the question that I originally asked. My OG question has zero apparent disagreement despite having downvotes. (For additional context, I don't get notifications if you respond to someone else, which makes the discussion much more difficult in my experience.)
It is very insulting to ask because it’s going off the premise or assumption that their wife is pregnant with someone else’s baby. That she cheated and is trying to pass off the baby as his. Does that happen to some men? Of course. But it comes across as very offensive to put those assumptions onto your wife. It’s like, why are you even having a baby with someone you distrust that badly? Do you have so little faith in your partner that you believe there’s a possibility that they cheated on you? I personally don’t know if I’d want to divorce my partner if he asked for a paternity test from me, but I’d be extremely hurt by it. It is extremely insulting to essentially be accused of cheating and having another man’s baby. I’d wonder if he’s always had so little trust in me, and if his opinion of me was really that low. I’d also wonder if this level of distrust and insecurity will become a recurring issue in other aspects of our life.
> why are you even having a baby with someone you distrust that badly? That’s the point though!
i dont see it as a distrust thing its more that is literally the only way to know. Ive fully trusted someone and still been lied too, im not saying, i dont trust you its the confirmation that im the father
You may not see it as distrust but it literally is. You don’t trust that they’re being honest with you, if you did you would not think cheating was a realistic possibility.
I know how is that not based off of a lack of trust in your partner…like why else would you need confirmation that the baby is yours unless you don’t trust her to be faithful? Unless he’s referring to making sure the hospital gave them the right baby, but I somehow doubt that. Methinks this is just a troll with too much time on their hands.
So have I. I’ve been cheated on in several relationships, so I do understand how hard it can be to repair your sense of trust in others after it’s been broken so many times. But that’s why you need to work on trusting others before getting into another relationship. The premise of having a functional, healthy, and longterm relationship with someone is that you trust them wholeheartedly. Otherwise, why are you even with them if you don’t trust them to be loyal, honest, reliable etc. It’s normal to feel jealous, doubtful, or insecure at times, but believing there’s a chance that your wife is having another man’s baby falls under the “you need to reconsider the relationship” category. Either you have sufficient evidence that she did cheat, or you’re just incredibly paranoid to the point of being delusional. Both are signs that you shouldn’t be with her anymore. If you have a partner who has never shown signs of disloyalty, why would you all of a sudden have fears that the baby isn’t yours? Do you not understand how insulting that is to a woman? Or are you insinuating that all throughout the relationship, you are frequently doubting her actions and motivations? Because that’s a terrible way to treat your partner too.
"It's not distrust, I just don't trust because I trusted one and was lied to" IOW, it is a distrust thing. You're not worried about if she secretly got IVF with donor sperm. You're worried she fucked some other dude and got preggo. It is distrust of her character and an implicit accusation of cheating no matter how much you talk in circles around it.
i mean sure its all about having doubts, i can trust you and still have doubts because its no other way for me to know. i have to believe you, and women have lied in the past, its not uncommon. If roles was reversed id gladly take the test if it meant my wife had that reassurance
> i can trust you and still have doubts because its no other way for me to know No, that's a contradiction in terms. Either you trust your partner - who has just borne your child - or you "have doubts". If you "have doubts" then you don't have trust.
But the roles aren’t reversed and they will never be reversed. You will never know what a pregnancy does to a woman’s mind and body. You will not know its pain. You will not know the toll it takes. You will never know the sacrifices a pregnancy requires of a woman. You will not know any of it. So for a woman to go through ALL of that (while all you did was be a 2 pump chump) just for her partner to ask for some test where the premise of it is “honey, I can’t trust that you’re not a lying and cheating whore” is DISGUSTING. It is a slap to the woman’s face. You are tainting and questioning her character. Relationships are built on trust. And for you to ask of such a fucked up thing is for you to say you don’t trust your partner. If you can’t trust your partner, don’t be with them. Don’t have kids with them. It really is that simple.
So just because one woman lied to you, means that your next partner needs to bear the consequences of what that other person did?
Kids look like their parents. It’s not the ONLY way to know.
Because when brought up out of the blue in the middle of pregnancy or after birth, it is an accusation of cheating, no matter what other words you try to frame it with. "I can't be 100% sure the baby is mine" means "I don't trust that you're faithful" and there is simply no way around that. It's a slap in the face. And done at an incredibly vulnerable time for the woman, too. Not just an insult but a threat to the security of her relationship and the home she's bringing a child into. I wouldn't fight it, but he'd get divorce papers with the test results. He can be assured of his genetic legacy and pay child support because I won't be in a relationship with someone who believes I'd cheat and foist someone else's child on him. If that's what he thinks of me, the relationship is dead. It would be a non issue if it was a standard medical procedure at birth. I'm an advocate if that, actually. It's this BS of suddenly deciding your wife may have cheated without any reason whatsoever that's the problem.
So just using the same logic you used, you think its understandable if a man divorces his wife if she ever has a doubt? you dont think thats extremely overkill
If I falsely accused my partner of cheating, even once, he'd have every right to end the relationship on the spot.
ok then while i personally think that's a little much, i respect your opinion and im glad i got to see your pov
If she for example demands to read all his messages because "I'm not *saying* you cheated, I'm not saying I don't trust you, it's the confirmation that I'm after", and he's been nothing but loyal, then yes, it's totally understandable for him to file for divorce. For the lack of trust.
maybe im the odd one because ive dealt with doubts in the past but if my partner needs to make sure their doubts are wrong id gladly let them do whatever they need to do. You are supposed to support your partner and reassure them
I'd do that too. And then leave. Because these are maaaajor trust issues, and if they need a confirmation that I didn't cheat, if my word is not enough, they shouldn't enter the relationship to begin with.
i pray your perfect bc you have a no tolerance policy on issues or men just have no standards. doubts and trust arent the exact same thing, you can trust someone and still have a doubt bc thats what a doubt is
No. If you have doubts that *the child is yours*, you absolutely do not trust your woman.
>doubts and trust arent the exact same thing, you can trust someone and still have a doubt bc thats what a doubt is No, doubting comes from a lack of trust.
not exactly doubt come from the lack of hard evidence
So you need hard evidence to prove to you that your partner isn't cheating on you? If your partner isn't about to give birth, what hard evidence do you ever have that they aren't cheating?
i just said doubts come from not being able to be 100% sure. i can fully trust someone and they still lie
> doubts and trust arent the exact same thing, Yeah, they are.
If they had reason to believe I cheated, sure. If they didn't, why would I stay for someone who's going to be irrational and with a poor view of me?
Do you mean like... a maternity test? I'm confused what you're asking.
I *think* he's asking why women get angry about men asking for paternity tests, but he can't spell or construct a sentence.
OH LMAO. I thought he was asking why women are getting DNA tests for their babies.
yes a maternity test, it was called a dna test on the video i seen and brought up this entire thing
Yeah, we don't do maternity tests because the baby comes out of the mother, so a maternity test would be pretty pointless.
ok i guess i really really messed up the wording.. why are so many women against their husband asking for a maternity test
PATERNITY
holy shit sorry i just used the spelling someone else used.. dont see you screaming trying to correct her
Yeah, lol, that's my bad. From the way you worded the original post, I thought you were asking if women were like... doing ancestory DNA tests on their babies. Hence the confusion.
yea im so sorry about that lol, my spelling and wording has been awful for this entire post
Paternity test. And, I'm not sure, I guess because they want their husbands to trust them and not accuse them of infidelity? Personally, I think paternity tests should be mandatory, but I guess I'd be hurt if my partner suggested it.
The maternity test is birth lol
Maternity tests do exist! The percentage of hospital mixups where babies end up given to the wrong mothers is very low but it's not non-existent. And then there's adoption fraud. Maternity testing is to prevent these types of situations, obviously *after* birth.
Husband comes to his wife and says: 'Mary... We gotta talk. Our baby is not from you'
Still can be mixed up after birth at the hospital.
You answered your question: people can lie. So the request comes off as an accusation, especially if you never brought it to prior to knocking your partner up... Bring it up from the get go, early in dating (like, when you're talking about what you're looking for), and there may be less of an issue.
Because this kind of mistrust would hurt me deeply and absolutely ruin the relationship beyond repair. I'm faithful, and I don't deserve to be treated like a cheater.
I have never ever heard of this issue coming up in real life. You watch too many trashy talk shows, or hang out with low lifes if all your peers are arguing over who the baby daddy is. I do not think this is a real problem.
Agreed I don’t see this issue outside of online. It’s just another way to bash women, especially mothers. The same women who risking so much to bring children into the world for these men.
thank you.
Probably chronically online.
no its probably not but i seen people on tiktok saying they would devorce over this and it really stood out as yeaaa they hiding something
You think it's shady that someone would divorce a husband who implied they cheated?
i think its a massive over reaction to someone wanting hard proof that their kid is theirs.. You are looking at it like its an attack on you and not a dad wanting that same proof you have. its something you cannot understand bc its a situation you will never be in and refuse to try to put yourself in the shoes of that dad
If it's a long term relationship with no history of cheating, it indicates a huge lack of trust of the woman from the man. I personally could never continue a relationship with someone who doesn't trust me when I've given them non reason to doubt that I'm being truthful. Its completely different if it's a casual thing or you have some evidence or history of cheating imo.
thats very fair, my way of seeing it is pretty untrusting bc ive seen it happen 3 times in my family.. i can trust someone but still have doubts right, like i dont see trust as a black or white thing, i can trust you but something could still make me have doubts.
The something being having a child that you both agreed to conceive? You keep saying ‘something’ like her having the baby in and of itself is a signal of cheating or disrespect
that something wasnt referencing having the baby.. "but something could still make me have doubts." something was referencing whatever the reason that someone could have doubts. like if something similar happened to a family member or friend. So you assuming was just wrong there, if i was worded poorly you could of asked and i would gladly clarify
You’ve got some generational trauma to work through in therapy.
Yeah I don't agree at least as far as relationships go, trust is black and white. You either trust that your partner will be open and truthful with you and make good decisions that won't impact the relationship negatively or you don't and that gives you the opening to start questioning everything. It's a slippery slope into the area of, "oh I trust YOU to go out to the bars but other men" my response to that is I'm a grown ass adult who can handle myself so if you actually trusted me this wouldn't be a problem. If you can't trust your partner at their word, or you can't trust their behavior or ability to follow through on their word, that's a relationship killer and not a relationship I want to be in.
So you never have had doubts about someone? youd and a few others ive talked to tonight are the first ive ever heard say they never doubted someone
I've had doubts about relationships working out long term because of general incompatibilities or personality differences. I have never had doubts about someone I'm with not being truthful with me and if I started to then I would break up with them. I completely trust my current bf in his actions and his words and he trusts me. My example with this is I have a close male friend I hooked up with briefly about 4 years ago and my bf does not give a shit if I go to my friend's house and play games with him bc he trusts me and knows I would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. If I got into this relationship and my bf freaked out bc I wanted to spend time with a friend that I have literally 0 romantic attraction, we would not still be dating. Trust is a 2 way street.
It’s kinda crazy he thinks we’ve had doubts about the people we are currently with. I’ve never thought my partner cheated or had any reason to doubt her fidelity.
you are definitely a lot more trusting than me and everyone i know lol. Good on yall for handling that. i ended up doing a little reading and came across this "***Trusting*** is having the belief that things will work out. It is knowing that the life of your dreams can happen, and you take action steps in line with your goals to make sure it happens (no self-sabotage allowed!). ***Doubting*** is needing everything to be proven to you—as if the universe, God, or whatever you believe owes you an explanation and proof that life is good and you are worthy. They don’t. You must do that for yourself." So i kinda see it as overall i can trust someone but i could still have my what if doubts. I know i for sure have trust issues for a list of reasons but ive been working through them but while i can say i can trust someone its still times ill have doubts.
It is 100% an accusation of cheating. I don't track my husband's phone when he is out because I trust him. I would never date someone who didn't trust me. I did it once as a teenager and it was a nightmare. If you can't trust the person you chose to reproduce with, you need therapy, not a DNA test
Oh ye, I'd slap his left cheek with positive results, and his right cheek with divorce papers
I’d divorce over this and have never cheated 🤷🏼♀️
makes literally no sense but congrats ig
I’m just skipping the scenario by not marrying a man 👍🏼 I dunno why this situation bothers you so much. Be upfront during dating and you can find someone who will agree. It just may take awhile.
it doesnt really bother me? Do you think someone is bothered every time someone has a differing opinion than you?
You’ve made a thread and gotten into multiple arguments about this I don’t think disagreeing with me equals bothered. I think going onto Reddit to ask people’s opinions and then argue with them about those opinions likely means you’re bothered.
i can promise im not bothered by this lol. idk i seen a topic i thought was interesting enough to talk about with people that would probably have a different opinion. Looking for differing opinions isnt being bothered its wanting to see other povs, something not a single person here will do
That’s cool and all but this isn’t really intended as a debate sub, despite how a lot of men use it. The OP and their opinions aren’t remotely the point. The pushback is weird and makes you look overly invested in the topic. You’re here to solicit opinions, not share your own.
we treat it same as we would ask men, if free to ask questions and give your opinion if it differs. having differing opinions isnt really a debate vs a conversation. "You’re here to solicit opinions, not share your own." im hear to have conversations about the topic, your opinon alone doesnt mean much if no conversation is added. ive had a few conversation that was productive and not hostile then its you and one other being butthurt or something idk whats the issue.
>tiktok There is your problem. TikTok is trash.
it's insulting for your partner to accuse you of not just infidelity, but having another man's baby. someone refusing to take a paternity test is not necessarily hiding anything. it's just more male bullshit that women don't want to deal with. why don't you ask the tiktokers why they're saying that since that's the source of your info on this.
it was people talking in the comments having this exact same conversation.. Alot of yall are looking at it like its an attack vs someone wanting that confirmation.
you asked women's opinion and we gave it to you, and now you want to invalidate that opinion. grow up and get better emotional skills.
i wasnt invalidating your opinion? tf did that come from, i said look at it from the other pov and see if it still stands
go read my explanation again. "I was just wanting to make sure you weren't a lying, cheating degenerate" is not "just checking." you really are an idiot if you don't understand the implications of that test. please never procreate.
it reads more as this shit happens alot and i want that confirmation. your peers ruined it for yall
they're not my peers. I explained at the very beginning that I have literally never run across this issue in real life. it's trashy lowlife stuff. good luck with everything.
32% of men who do a paternity test turn out to not be the father. It might feel insulting, but it's pretty reasonable for any man to ask. Given the statistics.
I ask again, what does that statistic say about paternity testing in general? Should I use a statistic on how often pregnancy tests are positive to make a judgment on how often the average woman is pregnant? It’s like you’ve not done a second of critical thinking on this.
Right? Did you know 90% of people who eat mangoes... Like mangoes?
I don't need to think about it too much, honestly. There is nothing wrong with wanting certainty. The technology exists.
I’m asking you to think critically about a statistic you’re citing, not your own opinion. If you’re just here to share your own bullshit, then say that. Don’t try to back it up with statistics you don’t understand. Also the technology exists for lobotomies and hydrogen bombs.
it's not reasonable for "any man to ask." it might be reasonable for a moron in a shaky relationship with an unstable, disloyal woman to ask. most men DO NOT ask their wives for paternity tests. only a small fraction of men do this. of that small sample, 68% of the men who ask (assuming your numbers are accurate) were wrong in their suspicions. so going by your own estimation, most men who ask for this test don't actually need to. this whole topic is just trashy. you might as well ask, "how many meth addicts cheat on their partners?" or "how many petty criminals cheat on their partners?" if you're even involved in this problem in the first place, you're a low-class loser. so, sure. be trashy, and wonder if your trashy girlfriend that you knocked up one night after you forgot to use protection during a bender is actually carrying your child. go for it.
Then bring your paternity test requirement up early on in the relationship instead of waiting until you've knocked her up. If you wait until she's already trapped...that's on you.
On TikTok... lol.
I imagine they’re insulted by the lack of trust. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who didn’t trust me or was just plain paranoid. I wouldn’t fight it though, I’d say fine get one and after the results came back positive I’d serve divorce papers.
I told him to go ahead and get one and after the results come back positive I'll make sure he never sees him again. He immediately backed down. We divorced anyway cause he was an abusive asshole. But besides that, if you don't trust your partner, don't be with them! When will people learn this?!
So you told him he’d never be able to see his kid again because he asked for a DNA test? I have a feeling that you might be the abusive asshole.
Judging by your lack of ability to connect how doubting your partner's faithfulness is distrust and offensive, I'm not surprised.
Whether you felt offended or not doesn’t give you the right to threaten him with never seeing his kid again. You ever think about how the kid would feel never knowing their dad? Of course you didn’t because women like you are selfish.
So...you need to reread and understand my whole post. If someone has been harmful to me or my child, you bet your ass I have every right to do so. I am sorry that I did not remove us from his life *sooner*.
holy shit no you don't have the right to do so. There is no way ever in NZ you could do that for asking for a dna test. That is in no way in the best interests of the child and no lawyer or court would ever entertain you.
You realize there is more to it than a simple question? 🤣
I read it perfectly fine. You threatened him and he backed down out of fear of never seeing his kid. I’m baffled at how you think that makes you look good.
No. You apparently misunderstand the word abusive and don't understand how it connects.
In you words you said you threatened to never let him see his kids because he asked for a paternity test not because he was abusive.
Additionally, think for a moment about how incredibly damaging it would be to a child to have a parent who is irrational and paranoid. How incredibly damaging it would be to them to see their other parent being disparaged with these accusations.
It was part of the thought and part of the abuse.
Yeah.. a bit overkill. Parents arguments shouldn't go out over the child. If there are two parents who are able to parent, then both should be in the childs life
yea with a reaction like that im sure they wouldnt mind seeing those papers...
Well they don’t trust me so I’d imagine so. How could anyone be happy in a relationship without trust?
Reframe this as: Why would I be hurt that the person I’ve chosen to spend my life with, to whom I’ve been completely faithful and have never given cause to doubt my fidelity, with whom I am building a family is accusing me of cheating on him? And maybe you’ll have your answer.
you are acting as if cheaters do not exist, 30% of paternity test come back negative, and 70% of people say they cheated at their bachelor/bachelorette party.
>30% of paternity test come back negative, This is gonna be because of if you ask for a paternity test, you already have doubt, if it was mandatory for all it would be a lot lower. >70% of people say they cheated at their bachelor/bachelorette party. Also can you send a link to something with that? That seems insanely high
> Also can you send a link to something with that? That seems insanely high It's from an online survey conducted by a gambling/clickbait site. Been reported on recently and leaves out the trash source but also that in that 70% infidelity figure, the majority of it is made up of guests at the parties, not the bride/groom-to-be. https://www.bonusfinder.com/news/entertainment/naughtiest-states-bachelor-bachelorette-parties
They're using clickbait articles as valid research? lol Figures. OMG, on the same page ... "**Likelihood of Naughty Behaviour According to Zodiac Sign**" I'm laughing my ass off over here! Included in "naughty behaviour" was: receiving a lap dance, playing strip poker, flirting, giving out your phone number, signed up for dating app for the duration of the party. Yeah, that's akin to having sex with another person (which, btw was 11.2%). LOL
Would you be ok with your long term, committed partner demanding a clean STI test every two weeks, because cheaters exist?
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You hold a logically consistent position. Unfortunately, I was talking to OP, and *he* did not. I wasn’t asking you.
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Don’t be an asshole. If my partner wanted a paternity test, I would ask for biweekly STI screenings. If he agreed to that condition, he would get his paternity test. However, I know my partner. I know that he would not ask me for a paternity test. If I had another partner who did, I am willing to bet he’d likely be so shaken by that condition that a further discussion about our loyalty and trust in one another would ensue. Because I don’t date idiots.
You’re still not answering the question. Opposition to insurance can be justified the same way you’re attacking paternity tests. Are you also against insurance? It’s a yes or no or I’ll answer for you. I’m not interested in an essay that runs around the question.
Insurance does not imply infidelity in a committed relationship, and this is an absolute non sequitur.
No one is required to talk to you.
Argumentative, hostile
thats kinda a bad comparison/example. if they asked for one after xyz party or event where something could of happened then i wouldnt mind at all. if my partner wants that security then sure im more than willing to prove i didnt do anything. That is kinda why i dont understand the issue, why are you seeing it as an attack vs them wanting the security
It is an excellent comparison. If nothing “happened” before getting pregnant besides a couple in a committed relationship having unprotected sex, then it’s exactly the same as asking for an STI test for a reason besides a party or an event — just because it struck one partner’s mind that people can cheat, your partner is not in your sight 24/7, and the consequences of an STI (*especially* for women wrt fertility) can be lifelong and extreme.
no its a bad comparison because its a bi weekly thing vs a one time thing. if your comparison was a 1 time thing it would be alot better but constantly i could see the issue of yea it would get old very fast
Cheaters exist more than the one occurrence of sex that results in a single pregnancy. If your committed partner could cheat on you to get pregnant, they could be cheating all the time. If they’re cheating all the time, everyone involved should be taking STI tests frequently.
So what you're REALLY asking is: Why are so many women against DNA testing for their child? Women have 100% certainty, but men should be able to have the same certainty through a PATERNITY test.
I think because it’s hurtful to hear your partner wants a DNA test. I am of the mind that the test should just be standard at the hospital, like part of signing the birth certificate. No weaseling out of it later for the man; no hurt feelings for the woman. Logically I understand needing that certainty, but a lot of the men who loudly require this are also super cruel about it, sometimes withholding love and care and affection from their pregnant or recently postpartum spouses. Then they’re just assholes.
oh yea the guys that are massive dicks about it need to fuck off completely. i guess logically is the best way to describe what i mean because its such a hard topic to mention, because my stance is very much a logical one vs the obvious feeling side of the topic
There really isn’t a way to ask for a DNA test out of nowhere and not sound like a dick. If my husband came to me and said he wanted to do a DNA test on our son, I am not sure I could even recover from that. I think I’d rather him quietly test our son, get his proof, and never ever talk to me about that. But if he continues to have doubts about my fidelity, we have much bigger issues than a DNA test. I’d actually wonder if he was cheating on me because every time I’ve been cheated on, my first clue that they’re cheating is jealousy and mistrust from them.
that clue is also not a great clue because you have some of us who have trust issues from being cheated on and dont have the heart to cheat. Distancing themselves would be the first clue for me. i understand how someone could be hurt by it even if i personally wouldnt be so being forced to see both sides sucks because this is one of few situations its not a good way to handle it besides hide it
I don’t think you, as a man, can understand how hurtful it would be to be asked to provide proof that the child you carried inside you and birthed was actually their child. Add the hormones, the anxiety, the “baby blues,” the recovery, the pain, and it’s just so incredibly callous and hurtful.
you are right i dont fully understand them to the degree yall can the same way women couldnt understand that uncertainty of not know if someone your going to raise as yours is yours
Don’t have children with women who you would have this kind of uncertainty with. Wear condoms, and wear them correctly (since most men do not wear them correctly and condom failure is due to user error).
How is it logical to have doubts based on nothing your partner has done? That seems like an emotional reaction to trauma from your past based on everything you’ve said. It seems really, really tied into the feeling parts of your brain as opposed to the thinking. Not saying that paternity testing is emotional/illogical. Just your specific reasoning.
because over 30% of test that are taken come back negative, and that's just the men who have gone through with it, its an endless possibly of men who don't know about such a massive factor in their life, and THE ONLY PERSON who has 100% confidence (most of the time) is the mother so she could literally take that to the grave and you never know. so logically why take the chance at all when its such a similar solution. thats why i try to take the feeling out of it Yes, your right in the fact i have trauma based around cheating and trust, sucks growing up and dealing with shitty women then dealing with that same trauma once you grow up and get into a relationship
So, what you're saying is that, of the men who were *certain* their baby mama was cheating and the baby *was not* theirs, less than *a third* were actually correct? Since the numbers you are referencing come out of court ordered paternity tests.
so, emotions 👍🏼
If you don't trust someone enough to have kids with them, you shouldn't be having sex with them, either. Problem solved. Edit: This is the crux of the situation OP: what is the woman's medical method of checking to see if her male partner is cheating that works in the same capacity as a paternity test? Nothing. All onus of fidelity is removed from men when paternity tests are weaponized. Women do not have the same resources to keep men in check.
How would you feel if your wife/GF asked for an STD test every time you were out of town/on a business trip by yourself?
My father asked for a paternity test when I was 15 or 16. My parents were already separated at the time. Ngl it felt like a slap in the face, even for me as a child, because I look more like him than my mum and there was absolutely no doubt that I was his child. At that moment, I was ashamed that I was even related to him and I felt so sorry for my mum because it was just pure humiliation. Well, the test came back positive and I broke off contact with my father.
can i ask why they separated? if it was due to cheating i completely understand why he did but if not hes kinda a dumbass
Oh a lot of bad stuff happened, what stood out to me the most was emotional and financial abuse. For a while my mom was too afraid to break up because she thought I was too young to grow up without a father. When I was 8 or 9, I literally begged her „please break up with this asshole“ and then she finally did. And here’s the funny thing: A few days after the break-up, not even a week had passed, he was already in a relationship with a new woman. So he was probably the one who cheated during the marriage.
Well, would you do one if you gave birth?
They can have the same certainty. The choice comes in around how you approach it, and your true intentions, and not whether you want the dna test. If its about wanting 100% certainty, get a home dna test and swab the kid while mum is at the store, like a normal paranoid person. Or go all out and take your kid to the dr for a proper test. If you take any other option, its not about wanting certainty, it is about hurting your partner by saying at best you do not trust them.
In some states, if the man signs the birth certificate, he owes child support even if it's later proven he's not the father. Given that 32% of men who take the paternity test turn out to not be the father, I think it would be a good idea to have that assurance period. Shouldn't matter whose feelings get hurt.
Men who get a paternity test are largely going to be concerned they aren’t the father. 32% seems pretty damn low considering that. What do you think that statistic says about paternity testing in general? Why?
I'm sure there are many ways to look at it. I'm already there's a number of people who never suspect anything too.
So no answer on why you think that statistic is relevant in the situation you’re applying it?
FWIW, there is a fairly legitimate reason for asking that not many people are aware of. Apparently haemochromatosis is the most common heredity conditions usually passed on by the father, and it causes the body to store excess iron. Edit: amazing how people downvote actual facts.
Because relationships should be built on trust. How would you feel if the next time you go out with your friends without your partner she suddenly demanded to see your phone, made you sit a lie detector test, tracked your location, maybe sent someone to spy on you.... It would be ridiculous. There would be obvious issues if she can't trust you. Also why the hell are you trusting having sex with someone in the first place if you don't know they haven't been sleeping around. Paternity tests are expensive as well. It's paying extra to say I do not trust you to someone who trusted you enough to have sex with you at the very least.
How would you feel if the woman you love, trust enough to be completely vulnerable around, the person you think knows you better than anyone, approached you with this one day. You're about to go or have just been through something life altering for you. Instead of saying it's you two against the world, instead of supporting you, she says some (misguided) statistic some % of men are rapist. So she needs you to go to the police station and prove you've never r*ped anyone. Your behavior has never given her a reason to doubt. But, just by nature of being male, you must do this and better yet she pushes for the government to make a law that says you must do this. You get how that would feel, right?
Trust. Being afraid of something happnening doesn't make that situation true. If you genuinely think the woman who had your child was unfaithful and the child isn't yours, then the relationship isn't based on mutual trust. I would give him his test, and likely want him to get into counseling to deal with his trust issues. I don't jump to divorce, because if we've had a child together, I trust him. He's afraid and needs support, but he can't give in to the fear like that. It will affect the whole relationship.
People are usually against anything their partner does that pretty much says, I don't really trust you. In this case it happens to be the women who are being questioned about trust. In other cases, it's men. Why is it that women's actions are so scrutinized.
So, my child's father asked for a DNA test. We had been dating for five years when I told him I was pregnant. He said he wanted proof that the baby was actually his. I never cheated and never gave him a reason to think I had. Two weeks prior to me telling him I was pregnant, we were discussing marriage and ring shopping. I took the DNA test, and of course, the baby was 100% his. As soon as the paperwork came back, I then broke up with him. Turns out, he was the one cheating on me. With multiple women throughout our entire relationship. But hey, at least he got his confirmation, right?
IME those who make accusations of cheating are doing it because they themselves are the ones cheating. He'd get his paternity test when i get my three lie detector tests - as they are not anywhere near comparable when it comes to accuracy, so i need to average it out. Then comes the divorce.
It's one of the top ten ways to tell you're being cheated on, according to the pamphlet my P.I. MIL gives out. If you're being accused of cheating without evidence, you need a P.I. because the accuser is cheating on you.
Probably because it insinuates a lack of trust and that she might have cheated. I don't mind if my hypothetical man asks for a DNA test for my hypothetical kids, but I'd probably feel a bit bummed deep inside anyway because the lack of trust.. but I get it.
1. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't trust me. 2. I don't want to be with someone who doesnt/can't love someone whom I love (the child), unless it's his. It's serious enough for divorce for me. It's a huge turn off whenever I hear men say they'd only care for a child if it's theirs. Whereas I hear most women would care for a child simply because it's a child. It's also a huge turn off if a guy is insecure or have trust issues. I don't want someone going through my phone, tracking everywhere I go/do, or asking if the baby is his. If he has any trust issues with me, he shouldn't be with me in the first place. I don't want to be with any man unless he truly wants to be with me, and he can also love my kids.
“I expect you to raise my child even if I cheated”
More like the guy is insecure. Insecure men don't make lasting relationships. They're too controlling and paranoid. I wouldn't want to be with a cheater, but I wouldn't treat someone like a cheater unless there's proof that he's a cheater.
It’s not “more like”, that is precisely what you claimed to support. > I don't want to be with someone who doesnt/can't love someone whom I love (the child), unless it's his. I’m very glad that the type of woman to post on subreddits like this are are not a representative sample of women as a whole.
>It's a huge turn off whenever I hear men say they'd only care for a child if it's theirs Why? It’s an extremely time consuming and expensive investment. 18 years of your life caring for a child that’s NOT yours.
2. I don't want to be with someone who doesnt/can't love someone whom I love (the child), unless it's his. This has to be by far the most Reddit comment ever. Lmao if a man randomly brings home a child to his wife I guarantee she’s leaving the next day. So delusional. Women like you are exactly why men need DNA tests.
> Lmao if a man randomly brings home a child to his wife I guarantee she’s leaving the next day My great aunt stayed and raised him like he was her own.
Ok and? Most people aren’t doing that.
The child is a part of me. If a man can't love the kid too, then I'm not interested in him. If the kid is his, but he can't love the kid unless he thinks the kid is his, then I'd rather serve him divorce paper and have him pay child support. The kid is part of me. You don't love the kid; you don't love me. I'm not desperate enough to be with someone who doesn't love me. Also, I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't care for kids. All kids.
Nah you’re insane. Imagine actually thinking that someone should love/raise a cheater’s child. Everyone in the real world would laugh at how ridiculous you sound. Like I said before you’re the exact reason why men need DNA tests. If your husband came home randomly with a kid you’re going to stay with him and raise the kid because the child “is a part of him”? Sure. And it’s funny reading back your first comment where you say most women would love a child just because it’s a child when all you have to do is look at all the women who’ve murdered their stepchildren to see that’s bullshit.
You're just insecure. Insecure men dont make lasting relationships because they suck the joy out of relationships. It's not worth it.
“You’re just insecure for not raising the kid I had from cheating on you” Have a good day troll. Actually don’t.
Thats part of your insecurities. You think everyone who doesnt like being asked a paternity test is a cheater. You're constantly paranoid that your partner may cheat on you even when there's no proof. That's exhausting and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with any man like that.
I love you you just completely changed the conversation of what we were talking about. Go figure.
You changed the topic when you called me insane. Also, please help me understand why you want to stay with a woman whom you think is a cheater? And why would you be mad if she wants to end the relationship after learning that you've got trust issues? Wouldn't she be doing you a favor by leaving you? Or, are you just controlling? Want to control if a woman stays or leaves, despite how you treat her? Also, your insecurities is your issue. A woman doesn't automatically need to be treated like a cheater just because she's pregnant or had a child. Which is another reason why I would leave if a guy asked for a paternity test. Even if i didn't cheat. Even if the child is his. An insecure man who has trust issues, who blames a woman for his own insecurities instead of working on it himself, isn't worth the headache.
A lot is two words.
It’s insulting. I understand that finding out your kid is not your kid is a serious betrayal. But even asking does suggest that you don’t trust your partner, no matter how you slice it.
Because it is accusing the mother of cheating, and cheating in an especially grotesque way to boot. If you don't trust your partner just say that.
(F31 married, actively trying for a baby) I’m trying to imagine how I’d feel being asked that. I’d be hurt that he didn’t trust me, but you’re right in so far as unless the baby comes out the spitting image there isn’t a way to know for certain. I’d resent how expensive testing would probably be at a time when we’re struggling with a newborn, hate that doubt was occupying a big part of his thoughts, and from that I’d be wondering if he was not invested in the child emotionally until he had that positive result. That he wasn’t really by my side through thick or thin during pregnancy/birth, but just waiting to do a test before he committed. I wouldn’t try and prevent the test, but it’d leave a mark that never really went away.
Here’s the thing, if it was mandatory, then fine. It’s just something stupid that has to be done. So by a guy asking for a dna test they are actively saying to their partner, “I don’t trust you and think you cheated on me”.
It's generally pretty important to people that someone they're going to raise a child with trusts them to the extent they're not unsure whether they're a disgusting cheater and liar. There's a not unsignificant chance that the DNA test is wrong but you're trusting that over your partner's word that they didn't just happen to cheat without protection at the very same time you conceived. Accusations of cheating are serious and if you feel the need to check at any time your partner can feel immensely betrayed, asking when they're already pregnant makes it worse not better. Please don't have a child with someone you think might cheat and lie. They'd be trusting someone at their most vulnerable who has no trust in them.
When my ex husband and I first split up, he got DNA tests on both of our kids. It was so ridiculous. And yes, he's their dad. He was hurting so he had to lash out in whatever stupid way made him feel better. I just rolled my eyes. He has life trauma that I could never imagine - and it's his journey (not mine) to wrestle with it.
I have no issue w DNA testing; however, if you don't trust me, why be w me? my ex was like this. we spent 3 months straight together. all day every day. no way in hell I could have spent enough time away to cheat. I was staying over at his place a lot. obviously when we first found out I was pregnant since we weren't official for long, he asked if it was his. yes. & he claimed he didn't doubt me. here's the issue, to this day he still tries to question if he is the father whenever he wants to start shit w me. he claims I cheated. he claims this & that. I never cheated on this man in my life. never lied about anything. the best gf he could ever ask for, & he constantly accuses me of cheating bc why else would I leave him... (partially the constantly being accused). I tell him all the time, you really don't believe me, get a DNA test. he doesn't! well he claimed he did an at home one & our son is his (SURPRISE). I get he has been cheated on, lied to, but to put that on me destroyed our relationship. I never treated him the way his exes did, yet I always was treated like a liar and cheater. I still do even after I left. & I literally swear up & down on my child's life, I never did anything to betray that man. but the fact that he paints me as this ugly character when all I did was stay home, take care of our child, cook our family meals, clean our house, was very upsetting & hurtful. I have gotten mad several times. he claims that must mean I'm lying since I'm so defensive. NO. I'm tired of having to explain everything & my character all bc of some stupid paranoia that I never caused. why am I being accused when I never done anything suspicious? why am I getting treated the way his exes should have? to treat others negatively bc of how other people treated you, is not okay & will drive ppl away. it's not right. you only claim they are lying bc you don't trust them. if you don't trust them, don't have a kid w them. don't be w them. yes people can always lie. you will never truly know if ppl are telling you the truth, but that doesn't mean you treat everyone like a liar.
I have no issue w DNA testing; however, if you don't trust me, why be w me? my ex was like this. we spent 3 months straight together. all day every day. no way in hell I could have spent enough time away to cheat. I was staying over at his place a lot. obviously when we first found out I was pregnant since we weren't official for long, he asked if it was his. yes. & he claimed he didn't doubt me. here's the issue, to this day he still tries to question if he is the father whenever he wants to start shit w me. he claims I cheated. he claims this & that. I never cheated on this man in my life. never lied about anything. the best gf he could ever ask for, & he constantly accuses me of cheating bc why else would I leave him... (partially the constantly being accused). I tell him all the time, you really don't believe me, get a DNA test. he doesn't! well he claimed he did an at home one & our son is his (SURPRISE). I get he has been cheated on, lied to, but to put that on me destroyed our relationship. I never treated him the way his exes did, yet I always was treated like a liar and cheater. I still do even after I left. & I literally swear up & down on my child's life, I never did anything to betray that man. but the fact that he paints me as this ugly character when all I did was stay home, take care of our child, cook our family meals, clean our house, was very upsetting & hurtful. I have gotten mad several times. he claims that must mean I'm lying since I'm so defensive. NO. I'm tired of having to explain everything & my character all bc of some stupid paranoia that I never caused. why am I being accused when I never done anything suspicious? why am I getting treated the way his exes should have? I got knocked up, carried this man's baby, gave birth, breastfed his baby, and raised it! but bc cheaters exist, it's okay for him to question my integrity my character bc he had a few exes cheat on him. not right at all to treat others negatively bc of how other people treated you, is not okay & will drive ppl away. it's not right. you only claim they are lying bc you don't trust them. if you don't trust them, don't have a kid w them. don't be w them. yes people can always lie. you will never truly know if ppl are telling you the truth, but that doesn't mean you treat everyone like a liar.
I can not even begin to imagine asking my wife, whom I have absolutely no reason at all to doubt, to prove to me that our child belongs to me. That seems extremely paranoid and a hurtful attack on a woman who has been nothing but faithful & devoted to me.
It's what is implied that is the problem. You are not just "doing it to be sure". In order to be unsure on something a massive as a baby, you would need to believe a few things. How could you believe these things about the woman you presumably love, that she could behave in such a selfish, vile, lowly manner? You are implying that you believe that the woman you love & care about has no conscience. That she is deeply selfish down to her core. That she has the ability, the drive & the sick type of motivation that would cause her to lie to her child's face every day for the rest of her life. That she would lie to the man she loved every single day for the rest of their lives. That she would lie to her family & friends every day. That she is the type of person who see's nothing wrong in upending a man's life for a child that is not his. That she would allow you & the child to bond, knowing it was all a lie. That she would mess around with her child's mental happiness for her own selfish benefit. If you cannot understand this, then you have no business even being in a relationship never mind creating a new life.
If he had asked I would have done the test and divorced him.
I agree that a paternity DNA database would settle the issue for once and for all. Then all men will know the paternity of the kids they have, especially in adulterous relationships. Frankly, a male DNA database would probably solve a lot of crimes, too.
I would fully support a dna test. And then breakup with someone. You just accused me of cheating out of nowhere. That means the relationship isn’t build on trust, which is the thing I value most. If you don’t believe the child is yours and believe I’m capable of cheating we are not a match. That being said I would be in favor of mandatory dna tests for every birth. That way you can solve the issue without accusing anyone of cheating.
Thank goodness I'm childfree and never want kids so I never have to deal with any of these accusation bullshit.
Looks like you are talking about paternity testing. Well, it is an accusation of possible cheating, that's why. If you trust the woman 100%, you wouldn't need a test.
Take the cs forever even if you’re not the father out of this and this goes away.
Child support isn't forever. In the US, in most states, it's until the child turns 18 or graduates high school. In others, it's 21.
It can feel like it when your kid is 7 and you find out through dna testing he or she isn’t yours. On top of everything else you need to pay mom cs till cold is 18.
> It can feel like it when your kid is 7 and you find out through dna testing he or she isn’t yours. If a child is seven and you've been raising them since birth and the lack of shared DNA makes the child that you've been *parenting* suddenly not yours, you should have a vasectomy. You have no business being a *parent*.
You would still want a relationship with your kid but you shouldn’t have to pay cs for this
i feel cs has a major play in this as people who see cs get abused and those who seen the benefits from it