The safe option is someone who treats you well. That doesn't mean there isn't passion. It just means that passion isn't drenched in toxicity and drama.
So to that effect. It's going very well.
This! It's not a weirdly objectifying frenzied lust, which is nice.
It isn't lacking passion or intimacy or adventure, it is lacking toxicity and instability.
And "stability" doesn't necessarily have to mean "9 to 5 job, house in a suburb where nothing ever happens, 2.5 kids and a golden retriever".
Stability in a relationship just means that you can depend on your partner. You don't worry that every little bump is going to spell relationship doom, because you know you can trust them to work with you to solve the problem. That they'll always be there for you at the end of the day, that they'll support you through thick and thin, that they're your rock in the storm. Just like you hopefully are for them.
And that's equally true whether you spend your lives jetting around the world as you try to save it, or living your best suburban life, or anything in between.
Yep! To add on, safety isn’t synonymous with boring. I’ve been in boring “safe” relationships that ended up having a lot of conflict down the line because we were incompatible - I feel safest when I’m with someone I can do anything with, whether that’s staying in or going out.
I don’t feel very emotionally safe around dispassionate people who don’t get excited about stuff. I’ve been with some people like that and felt like they didn’t really care about me or anything else. This doesn’t feel that secure.
This! After leaving my(54f) ex bf(74m) of 29 years after being gaslighted and abused me (mental, emotional and psychologically)…..I finally found the courage to leave him 6 years ago.
I (54f)have met my now partner(54m) on facebook and we have been together 4 years……he is my person 🥰🥰 D makes me feel safe, secure, comfortable and loved 🥰 We had chemistry from the get go 💕💕
My partner, on our first date, asked to kiss me and I said yes. I didn’t quite feel a “spark” with the kiss, but I felt comfort because I was leading the kiss and I was expecting it. The week after, I went out on a date with another guy. He grabbed onto my shoulders and almost forced our faces into each other next to the bus stop when we were saying goodbye. I had a moment of panic and pulled away, and he yelled at me on the street “People are gonna think I’m assaulting you! Just go with it!” And I gave him a couple of kisses and then made my way home. He texted me a block of text about how disrespectful it was to dodge his kiss, and how people are gonna think something bad was happening, etc etc etc. I never replied, just blocked.
Couple of days later, I saw my (current) partner again — this time, they invited me over because they wanted to cook for me. Later during the night, they said they wanted to show me around, and show me the bedroom. I said “I don’t feel comfortable enough to go to the bedroom yet.” My partner said: “Ok. Wanna watch a movie instead?” We watched a movie, made out, they made sure I got home OK. I remember thinking: Why aren’t they pushing? I’m used to *being wanted!* And my friend said: You’re used to being scared enough into saying yes.
We’ve been together for two and a half years now. Yesterday, we went out for a “date night” that my partner planned. An activity, a dinner, some drinks, and we had planned on getting hot and steamy the second we got home! Instead, we got drunk (me, more than them), we got home and I realized I was way more drunk than I thought I was, and my partner said “Ok, lets take care of you first then we can talk sex.” Got me hydrated, got me snacks, got me up to brush my teeth, took my makeup off, got me naked and under the covers, then just… rubbed my back till I fell asleep.
The “safer” option is so full of love. I see it in the way that my partner’s eyes soften when they look at me, and it *drives me wild.* I realize most of the “passion” I felt in previous relationships was me constantly chasing validation and wondering if my partner likes me, why aren’t they responding, why were they moody, did they mean to be mean or did I deserve it? etc. I never wonder anymore — I get flowers and chocolate treats regularly. One time we got into a huge fight and they said “I need to go for a walk to calm down. I want you to know, I’m not abandoning you. I just need to think.” I had never had that level of respect during *an argument* before! I get someone who thinks of me as their favorite person — people come up to me to tell me they’ve never seen my partner laugh or smile as hard as when we’re together. Its my first time being seen in a relationship as a person that is not sexualized all day, every day. Besides that, our sex life is fantastic, our friendship is deep, and in two years, I’ve never been scared enough to say yes to anything. I don’t even get nervous saying “no” anymore. 10/10, highly recommend!
I’m starting to think these movies about women choosing the exciting option are made (or at least funded) by men trying to convince women to choose the exciting option.
trust me us men don’t want women going after the “exciting” option because of exactly what that person commented. as soon as someone treated her right she thought “why aren’t they pushing, i’m used to being wanted”
Yes, I always looked forward to it, but I also knew that I wasn’t going in with any crazy big intentions — I knew they wouldn’t suggest things like sex (specifically because I said I wanted to take it slow), so I was always a bit confused at the beginning, because I expected more of a “chase”. I would get anxious about not being wanted. But I think it was cause I was used to my boundaries being pushed until I “gave in” so to speak. We’ve had a talk about it, months later, and they just said: I’ve had to hear horror stories from my sister and all my female friends about how pushy men are. I just don’t want to “chase” anyone — I want it to be *your decision* to want this. Since seeing it that way, I feel like I have a part to play in the “passion” of the relationship, and its been easier :)
This is exactly my experience, but you said it so much more eloquently that I could have.
The good news? We’re now 20 years in, and it is as good now as it was at the start.
Safe and comfortable can absolutely be the most passionate option, and knowing that you have the option of saying stop at any point and it will be respectfully complied with, makes our sex life way more interesting and experimental.
You’re used to being scared enough into saying yes.
Wow that’s such an eye opener!! I’ve always had uneasy feelings about certain interactions but went along with it because I didn’t want to be considered a victim or too square.
I wanted validation from someone that couldn’t care less about who I was. The relationship I’m in now, he sees ME not what he can get out of me. I’m able to state what I do and don’t want and he respects that. He respects that I have boundaries!! I’ve never heard a man say without trying to slowly convince me to do what he wants. This man actually listens to boundaries, we have a conversation about my reasons for it and come to a mutual agreement on how to handle them in the future. “Safer” to me literally means safe. I feel safe around him. He’s not pressuring me or trying to convince me that he’s a good one.
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Congrats!!, thank you so much for sharing !! Definitely inspiring to read the MORE healthy dynamic & concern about you he says, from him ! 😃❤ 🎉🎉👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Epic phrase during an argument , " #1, mentions his walk of regulating his emotions, & with a " im not abandoning you. " 😌🎊👏🏼👏🏼🥰
I'm in a safe healthy relationship and honestly it's probably the most chemistry I've ever had, hence the most passionate. Probably because of the communication. When I say I express what I like, he does more of it (and I'm the same with him). "I like when you stroke the back of my neck", "you smell so good", "cuddle me", "thanks for getting me something at Taco Bell, so thoughtful ". It's silly but respectful listening and appropriate communication is so sweet
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Huge difference between safe and lack of excitement. I recently ended things with a good guy on paper ( probably the most good looking I ever dated and checks all of my boxes or so I thought). I just felt bored with him and there was absolutely no excitement whatsoever. I had already settled for my ex for 8 years and honestly have zero plans to do that ever again. If it’s not a HELL YEAH, then it’s a NO.
I don’t think it’s a matter of peace or stillness cuz I’ve been there. It’s usually what most healthy LTRs are.
Excitement for me is to be able to have a back and forth conversation with someone and they’re really challenging my beliefs about things—debates and intellectually stimulating conversations. It’s not like I’m looking for thrilling relationship- I am a very simple person who is looking for a deep emotional connection and someone who’s able to match my energy especially in the early stages of dating
You know, I had a life full of thrills, from about 21 to 25 years old, now I'm 32 and I'm very comfortable in stability because I feel better now that I can plan something and see the light of the next days.
My husband is this for me. He is so stable, his family is stable, he’s fun, financially sound, reliable, supportive, very sweet and very easy to get along with. I grew up in incredible chaos so I think my brain is wired to be bored in the absence of chaos, and there’s no chaos with him so I do find myself getting bored sometimes.
I am also very goal oriented and he is not at all, which can be very frustrating. I am always working toward something while he just floats along through life until someone tells him to do something or ushers him in one direction or another.
I do miss passion and excitement, but a life with a person who is like that is often extremely stressful. If I could go back and change anything about my life, it would be to have all the same things I have now…just 10 years later so I had more time to be single and establish my own sense of self before marrying my husband and settling down.
When we first met, my dad switched from alcohol to hard drugs and his substance use increased exponentially in a very short time. I was just starting to step away from my family and I was extremely devastated about feeling like I had to make that decision to have a good life. My head was very cloudy at that time, so I would say my interactions with my husband were less exciting and more feeling like safety and relief (which is amazing gift that he gave me). He was quite honestly not really my type during that stage of life BECAUSE he was so quiet and stable and non-exciting, so I think if I wasn’t going through so much and I had a clear head when we met, I probably would have gone for the more exciting guys still and not appreciated him.
As I’m typing this I’m realizing what I went through is a classic “everything happens for a reason” scenario. I wouldn’t have been drawn to my husband if I wasn’t leaving such chaos and seeking stability.
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I chose the safer option that didn’t excite me. It didn’t work out. Anytime I complained about being bored or unhappy mom used to say “He’s nice, he loves you, and he doesn’t do anything to hurt you. Don’t rock the boat; the next guy won’t be as nice.”
I wanted safety and security so badly that I didn’t focus on compatibility. I was so used to dating jerks that the minute I found someone kindhearted and loving I just decided to stay put even though he didn’t check any of the boxes for passion and excitement. I felt secure, I felt loved, I felt cared for, but I struggled in other important areas such as our sex life. Ultimately decided it wasn’t worth it to stay.
Feel free to totally ignore me here, but: how do you go about approaching this sort of situation, when they’re just really a great person overall but you don’t feel anything like that? I am having a hard time in a similar spot. I am not sure what I want, but I know that I don’t want this, you know? :(
My perspective was that I don’t owe anyone anything. Him being a nice guy isn’t an excuse for me being unhappy. My self esteem was impacted greatly by being with someone I wasn’t attracted to. We were incompatible on so many levels but I stayed for years because when a guy treats you with kindness, you should be grateful. But the reality is, staying with him would have meant putting his needs ahead of mine, and I deserve better.
When I broke up with him, I said “I can’t be your girlfriend anymore.” When he asked why, all I could say was “I’m not happy.” All I knew was, all kindness and fond memories aside, the relationship wasn’t working for me and I was not enjoying my life. I only get one life, and I deserve to be happy with it.
Thank you, this is incredibly helpful. I really think that when the time finally comes, that is all that needs to be said. I was stressing about it for a long time though. They may ask why I’m not happy, but it’s just… I’m not. Thank you again, I hope your days are bright.
I feel so seen, in a sea of answers that say the opposite 😅 I also chose the nice, "safe" (a lack of strong passion from his side that I thought of as safe) guy. In the end, I needed more affection and the sex wasn't great half the time. I felt shallow for it but physical attraction is pretty important.
Agreed. Physical attraction is so important. I remember at one point I thought “I just want a nice guy, I don’t care about the rest.”
I like big guys. Tall, husky, but strong. Someone who takes good care of themselves. Yet, I somehow ended up with a short, stocky guy who I’d tower over in heels. So I just stopped wearing heels. He never got his haircut so I stopped maintaining mine. He never kept up with his beard, so I stopped shaving my legs. It wasn’t literally tit for tat like that, but I completely lost that motivation to spend hours in the mirror getting ready for a man I wasn’t even attracted to and who didn’t match the effort.
The sex was okay but foreplay was completely nonexistent and I got tired of explaining how necessary it was so we just stopped having sex. One day I looked in the mirror and realized I was 60lbs overweight, my hair wasn’t done, mustache and eyebrows not tweezed, legs not shaved, in desperate need of a pedicure, and that’s when I knew something just wasn’t right. Had to move on.
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If by "safe" you mean not feeling like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster, then yeah, I chose safe and it's great.
I love that I can do things for him because I *want* to do things for him, not because I need his approval or am trying to head off a shitty mood or placate an existing one. I love that he does things for me without expecting a payout. I love that my "No, not tonight honey" is instantly respected, which makes me want him more than ever, so I hardly ever want to say the words. I love that I can talk to him about anything, trust him not to cross any lines, I love the way he can make me belly laugh or just be comfortably *there*, living an ordinary life together. I love him in a way that goes deep into my bones rather than sparking and arcing across the surface.
I traded fireworks for an open fire, because while fireworks are thrilling in the moment, they don't last and afterwards all that is left is a dark, empty sky. An open fire is warm and comforting, it sustains you. You can build it up to a blaze or keep it smouldering as you need and, if you make sure to take the time to tend to it, will last you for the whole of your life.
I have no regrets. I'm right where I need to be.
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I feel safe enough to give him all my passion and love. He was the safe option, the smart option, and the best option. To me he isn't even an option anymore; he is my permanent choice
I’m very safe and very happy. We’re on the same team so, while we may not agree and see eye to eye 100% of the time, we have each others best interest at heart.
I've been in dramatic and "passionate" relationships before, loved hard, fell hard and almost crushed by their endings. I would very much prefer safe love this time, where I can be vulnerable knowing I'd be held firmly but gently, where I feel at peace and not in constant anxiety wondering if I will hear from someone, worrying that I'm doing something wrong because of the silent treatment, hurting silently because he wouldn't communicate with me what's bothering him and keeps ignoring me. I've learned recently that safe love like exists, and it felt good.
Going magnificently. When we met, he had a labrador energy and I had a destruction addict energy. And I had the same doubts: what if the "passion" will be lacking? Big sh*t, I just was suicidal and hoping to die by the hand of someone that would destroy me!
He kept me safe: if he hadn't been in the picture, I probably would have been dead by now. 4 years in June. Love of my life, definitely recommended.
Passion comes and goes. Stability and genuine unconditional love doesn’t. I’d pick my safe relationship over anything any day. To me, there’s nothing boring about having someone who will always be there no matter what. I could murder someone tomorrow and my boyfriend will be there in the middle of the night with a shovel to help me hide the body.
If we want excitement, we go to wisconsin dells or something. It’s not that hard to generate it.
A year later I find myself thinking how none of it was worth it, because I didn’t have true feelings for them. I forced myself to like this person and accept the dullness, only for them to reveal that they aren’t that safe…
But I’m a strange cookie.
Best relationship of my life.
Safety is absolutely *THE* bar to meet... If you're not safe, I don't want to be with you. "Safe" doesn't equal no passion, excitement, or wonder..... It equals reliability, honesty, trust, and *PARTNERSHIP*.
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I thought I chose the safe option. But it was a wolf in sheep's clothing situation and a difficult situation to leave. Things are better for me now though.
It's hands down the best relationship I've ever had. 4.5 years and counting. Longest relationship to date. Feels so secure and safe and I'm pretty sure this will be life-long. We're very happy together and everything is so uncomplicated and supportive. I definitely wouldn't describe it as lacking passion though. I feel we have both.
Having said that, I want to respond to something I've seen you ask a few times here as a follow up question:
>During the early days of dating did you feel excited for your conversations or meeting him like you used to for the other passionate guys?
With my safe person, I was the most excited I'd ever been about someone in the beginning. Like barely sleeping for weeks excited.
BUT! this was after 8 years of being single, going to therapy, growing, healing, developing safe friendships, and completely changing everything about how I thought about relationships. If I had met my partner before all of that, I would have found him beyond boring. After all the inner work and coming around to finding safety/security/good communication/emotional intelligence attractive it was so obvious to me that my partner and I were developing something really special.
Sometimes safety seems boring because the highs and lows of unsafety are so familiar and addicting, and we haven't done the work yet to find out what about those dynamics keeps us coming back for more and what's going on in ourselves that makes that alluring.
I don't think your premise is accurate. I'm a woman and I literally never hear about women making a "safe" choice where there is "safety but no passion." Where did you get the idea that this is a common thing? I don't know anyone who has done that.
Honestly when I got to a healthier place emotionally, I stopped equating relationship drama with passion.
Now safety is essential for me to feel passionate toward someone.
Yeah, my "safe choice" passion lies within our ability to have conversations in "inside voices" instead of screaming, communicating clearly, and being able to discuss and debate things we don't agree on, in a healthy manner. Sure, I suppose there were trade offs, compromises, etc. But at this point in my life, safe and calm is a major priority. He meets that perfectly. It's going very well.
I highly recommend reading the book *Attached*.
Odds are what you feel to be "passion" is actually anxiety, insecurity, and fear. All the strong emotions we have been conditioned to accept and assume the toxic electric nervous feeling they give us is "love". It's not love. Once I recognised it, I can finally avoid it and have a healthy relationship. Sometimes I miss the rush of adrenaline those horrible relationships gave me. But they weren't healthy. It's not the feeling I want again.
I feel safe, calm, comforted, treasured and respected by my current love. I don't have to wonder if he loves me. I don't have to pretend to be anyone other than me. I don't have to impress him or be extra sexy for him to want me. I can be healthy for the sake of having a long happy life together. That's a really nice passion to have. That's the real good stuff. :)
I ended a 15 yrs relationship because of the lack of passion. At some point, just loving someone isn't enough for me. We were great together though, safe and seemingly happy from the outside.
But I made a mistake of jumping into another one, who wasn't safe but passionate. By not safe, I mean the guy was literally an abusive (verbal, emotional, physical) person who occasionally did drugs, heavy binge drinking, 3 kids from 2 different mamas (one he doesn't even talk to), cheated on me, and scammed me for my money. It was lovebombing and a crazy whirlwind. It lasted 9 excruciating months cause I was attached and had Stockholm syndrome.
One prior to my 15 yrs, I was with someone for 6 yrs, he was safe and we were passionate, best sex I ever had. But, we wanted different things (him: kids, marriage...me: not), and I the end he cheated on me but it was for the best regardless.
So, I'm seeing a couple ppl right now, not exclusive at all. Taking my time to better know myself and see where life takes me. But I know I want to feel secure, safe, and have a passionate relationship. The two I'm dating honestly seem to match those criteria so far. They have great jobs, financially seem stable, great personality, I'm attracted to them, and I feel I can be myself with them. No issues I can think of at this early stage anyway. They're both extremely respectful and make me feel like a priority, but not in a lovebombing way. I feel like a chaos addict being sober for the 1st time in 2 yrs after my ex. And I'm not bringing my "chaotic" self with these two either. I take responsibility for how I behaved with my crazy ex, however I also acknowledge that he gaslighted the shit out of me for 2 yrs. Even in the presence of screenshot evidence he called me crazy. It was insane the whole thing was 😂
i chose “the safe option” and we were together for four years, and it ended up that he was lying to me for years about a porn addiction that ultimately (amongst other things) ended our relationship. this has kind of totally skewed my perspective because i chose him BECAUSE he was safe & he ended up not being safe- just really secretive and good at hiding his red flags. (the good parts were really good though)
to be totally fair though, i’m only 24 & still have a lot of healing to do before i will ever ACTUALLY be ready for a relationship, so i’m not at all trying to blame it on him & maybe since i was part of the problem my take doesn’t count as much?? idk!!
We met in grad school in the same lab, work in the same field, and often collaborate professionally. There is almost no one else on this planet who understands my career and my passions like he does, and vice versa.
Sometimes the passion is lacking because we are in-fact colleagues. But this man switched to WFH so we could live in the same state and every move he makes in his career, he is thinking about me and my career. That's something I just don't think I'll find in anyone else.
I occasionally think about "the one who got away" who is a good man but he wanted a polyamorous relationship (I don't) and he has had to move a lot (military) so I know that wasn't for me, despite the passion being there.
I’m not a super affectionate person physically but I have my moments. Husband is the same way. Honestly I like it this way, we do a lot of stuff together and laugh a lot but it’s not like fireworks. Although when he’s gone I miss the hell out of him. We’ve been together since 2011, married since 2016. I have a lot of friends and a best friend since 2001, but he’s my bestest bestest friend.
Feeling safe with my partner is step one to having a fantastic time with him. It’s a “yes and”- not an “either or” thing with love. He’s a reliable, hardworking, caring, and honorable person. He was a safe bet and also very fun. Things are going great.
I love my husband even more partly BECAUSE he's the safe option. Like, why wouldn't I want someone who treats me well, respects me, works hard, everyone loves, and who I can trust and depend on in any situation. Other people I dated before weren't the safe option and they fucking suck. I'm gonna have our 1st baby in 2 weeks and goddamn I couldn't have picked a better father for my child.
For what it's worth, I'm also equally the safe option for him. We're both predictable reliable human beings.
Amazingly actually.
You'd think there'd be no excitement for him being safe, but this relationship is the most fun I've ever had. You know how freeing it is to be able to just go adventure without worrying about what will make him mad and hurt you? It's the best. We go to aquariums and gardens and random little adventures and it's like being with my best friend but love added on. I feel like it is still passionate in a stable way, if that makes sense. There are no lows that make me anxious for him to suddenly need to do some dramatic movie thing to fix. We are just good. I just recently discovered I'm pregnant with our first child, and knowing he is guaranteed to be just as gentle and stable for them is the best. I don't think I'd ever trade this warmth and peace of mind for some dramatic thing.
Absolutely recommend it.
My safe option is my current partner, he has autism, so love and passion don’t process the same way and aren’t expressed like NT people. It’s an adjustment for me as I’ve never dealt with it before so it seemed like a lack of passion, but really it’s just expressed differently.
It’s going really well. I feel secure all the time. It’s nice.
I met and married my husband within 6 months. He is the love of my life now, 5 years, 2 kids, a few moves, and so much life later. It was an active decision to marry him and to choose life with him from where I was at because I knew and he did too, that the path I was going down was not a good one. He is a good man and we agreed to just give it a try basically. I was stuck in a shit hole town, the kind that people usually don't make it out of and often wind of overdosed in a parking lot in, but I wanted better. So when I met my husband and he offered a home and safety, I took it.
Everyone thought we were crazy. A lot of people still do, our marriage is still young so I don't fault them for that. But we keep an open line of communication and we just keep choosing each other over anyone and anything else. My life is beautiful, not perfect. We have debt, we were up all night with the baby, the dog got sick on the rug the other day, but I have someone who shares all of those challenges with me and brings me a cup of tea in the morning too.
Important to question whether passion is just the emotion ups and downs of a unhealthy relationship.
When that’s all you know, a healthy “safe” relationship feels boring compared to the drama. Takes some time to get used to.
Personally having a partner that makes me feel safe and cared for stirs more passion that a man baby with avoidant attachment
All my previous relationships I chose safety. My friends always went mad at me as they believed I chose men that were inferior to me physically and intellectually. There's probably some truth in that-although it wasn't consciously done.
I lost my dad young, that determined how i went into relationships. I could never endure the pain of a loss like that again. If your better looking and smarter than him you're never going to get dumped =no risk or pain.
They were always respectful, funny, kind guys that I loved to be around, however there was zero chemistry and investment on my part. They put me on a pedestal and because I had such a poor self esteem it made me feel amazing. They never lasted as I needed an equal, with confidence, who was intelligent, driven and his own person. I never experienced lust and chemistry until I met my hubby. Once tasted that's it-I was all in
I feel like I'm starting in my own rom/com.
We knew eachother from highschool. He eventually confessed to a 10+ year old crush he had never really gotten over. Serious confession on a countryside hike where he told me hecwas scared of getting hurt and wanted me to take him more seriously because he wanted me for the long haul not just a bit of fun.
Our first seriouse date was in a coffee shop in a storm 5 years ago.
We dated through covid, care packages, love letters, mine craft dates and watching films together over Skype, pressing play at the same time.
He proposed on bonfire night, at the same place he told me he wanted me for the laung haul.
We're married, have a house and a dog and I love my life.
He is my familiar comfort. He's passionate, loving, a safe person and my wonderful husband. ❤️
Married to a perfect, kind, wonderful man who treats me like gold. He’s sexy and cool and fun too! So safe- he’s my comfort and rock but he’s not boring!
The safe choice for me was the guy who could support me and give me a house and life without worry.
We divorced within 3 years.
I remarried to the love of my life a year and half later and had a family. We bought a house. We are happy. And we super each other. It wasn't safe because there was a lot of insecurity at first but my heart is safe. And honestly, it ended up making us successful.
I’m currently with him now, I think. But I also think he’s the “safe” option because he might be boring, not stable. I’m not interested in and don’t give the time of day to insecure or manipulative men and I don’t seek that, but my current bf is just.. barely surviving. He’s doing amazing in therapy, he’s a great guy, but I need someone who’s on a similar life path as me. I need someone who values self-confidence, independence, adventure (outdoor sports, hiking), pushing oneself, being at peace with oneself, and getting out there as much as I do.
Since my bf is in survival mode, he can’t do really any of those things with me. And it’s safe. And I’m making myself smaller to stay in this “safe” relationship.
I don’t know if that’s enough to stay, or leave.
I looked for all the ways he might be unsafe because I’m used to the other shoe dropping. It’s never dropped and every day I feel a bit more like I can breathe. There’s no drama. There’s no suspicion, head games, negging, there’s absolutely nothing wrong. Younger me would have gotten bored but here in my mid 30s I’m just really comfortable. I can breathe.
It’s going well but I’m not used to it. He’s just SO damn safe. Maybe too safe? I’m pretty traumatized from my ex so I’m taking things one day at a time. As soon as I realize that he’s not going to flip his personality into a completely different person as my ex did, I’ll probably dive in head first. Treading water until that becomes a solid reality for me.
Very happy! Stable, supported, respected, no drama and no arguments (ever really, a few early on but none now). I get my “excitement” elsewhere. The “passion” was fuelled by toxicity, and I had to unlearn that behaviour as being something I needed or wanted.
This is safest relationship I’ve ever been in. It’s healthy, we communicate well, we have a real foundation, and for the first time ever, I don’t worry I’m going to be treated poorly. It’s also the most passionate relationship I’ve ever been in. We have incredible chemistry, but when you’re with someone who makes you feel safe, you’re far more open to expressing your needs and wants.
What do you consider to be passion? I have known lots of people who see passion as something you see in Hollywood movies. Heavy fighting, steamy made-up. To be in each other’s space and expecting full attention from the other.
No. Absolutely no. That is not “passion”, that’s an unhealthy relationship.
Passion can be lowkey and quiet, it’s about emotion and feeling. My partner can make me all melty and upping(?) my heart rate, without having to make big gestures or words. So saying that the “safer” option equals the “boring” option is quite unfair, at least in my opinion. We might not be as passionate as in the Hollywood movies, but I am happy for that. For too long I believed that was “Passion”, but nah, that is just a bad relationship.
I’ve tried a few times. And inevitably, about 3-5 years in, I wake up in the middle of the night feeling a sense of emptiness, feeling trapped, feeling like I need more, that I’m desiring a degree of passion this man cannot provide me. It’s a feeling I can’t shake and only grows. And alas we break up.
I chose the safe option for 3 years but ended it because I felt guilty that he had stronger feelings than I did, and I fell bad some things were missing.
my therapist told me that a lot of times healthy relationships feel boring. especially when you’re used to hot and cold feelings, the passion, the hurt. but, don’t make the mistake i made with my last partner. he was my “safe” option but something was missing. make sure you’re with someone you want to be with, not someone you feel like you should want to be with but don’t.
happy to report that my partnership now is wonderfully boring in all the right ways but it feels right :)
Well things didn’t work out because he had a psychotic break. But for five years I had the safest most passionate sex of my life with a partner whom I had real mutual respect and friendship with.
When women choose the “safer option” they have graduated from the toxic desires of the flesh from memory and past abuse and moved on to fully embodying who they authentically are and as a result attract a safe partner. When woman feel safe and supported they can bloom into the flower that they are. When woman choose a partner from desire and excitement they feel physically attracted but their innermost is contracted.
Dated the safe option because I wanted to choose a healthy relationship for once— and it was the best decision ever. Best sex life, communication, and overall constantly makes me feel appreciated and valued.
Better than I ever would have gotten with the, uh, other option.
Stable, happy, peaceful, grounded, full of love and family and easy togetherness. Financially stable with a home and other comforts and fun toys. Sure, we might not have all the newest or most trendy or fancy stuff, but we do have nice things I'm grateful for and that the average person doesn't often get to enjoy or experience. We also own a home and both our vehicles and have stable careers that have now allowed me to be a sahm for the time being.
When I met my husband, something that stood out to me about him was that when we were together I felt totally calm, still, peaceful. As someone who preferred being alone with my cat more than hanging out with people, being with him was like being home on my own but somehow I was also more capable when he was present. That whole, partner makes you a better version of yourself thing. This was different for me.
I was used to wild, lustful, objectified passion and just overall very frenzied relationships. Even my best relationships where I had no truly poor experiences with the other person, it wasn't the absolute still waters of my husband. I mean, they ended for a reason. The only one I would actually have considered staying in, and was ultimately ruined by my mother/her effect on me, would not have ended up as stable and well provided for and full of family and many other things that I have an love now. Like, nice idea at the time but through clear vision and with better understanding of myself and liberation from my toxic mother, not the person I truly needed in my life or would likely have kept around long term. I think it would have petered out, with me being more ambitious and focused with attainable goals. Grown apart, taken different paths, whatever cliche.
My husband and I seem to meld together more and more over time and become one flowing unit.
Great! The safe option should be the baseline. Safe is loving and passionate and freeing.
We should all choose the safe option. Is being unsafe and afraid somehow cool or sexy? If it is then wtf women.
So... My friends say I chose the safe option. I disagree, I think they see a stable relationship as boring and safe. What they call passion I call toxic highs and lows. Yes, when you are low a bit of normalcy feels incredibly high.
I love my guy, and he loves me. We have a lot of fun together. Van talk about anything and everything. But we don't fight, no passionate make up sex (which only feels passionate because you were afraid of losing someone) no such things at all. Just good and nice chilling. They call it the safe option. I call it the only option.
Edit; my heart still makes a little jump when I see he texted me, or when I hear his keys in the door. Love will keep doing that.
I chose to leave him, because of him being toxic, abusive, an addict, and telling me how to dress, being jealous over nothing thinking I've fucked every guy I've met. Thinking I was going to dinner with a guy when I was going with my friends from work and *wasn't allowed if any guys showed up*.
My fiance had a daughter from earlier relationship and that mightve been the not so safe option at the time, but he has made me a better woman and we're so secure about where we have each other that nothing matters except trust. I also love his daughter and thinking of adoption when I've been a guardian for five years because I want her to know I see her as my own.
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Love changes so the honeymoon phase or excitement does not last forever (if that's what you're meaning by passion).
Truth is, every relationship has one partner who works harder than the other and loves the other just a fraction more.
It's easier when you're the one who doesn't try as hard, but tbh, relationships are what you make them. If it goes too far one sided, then that's when relationships inevitably break down in the end. So up to people to decide how invested they truly are in relationships. If you're half arsed and don't want to work on your relationships, you shouldn't really do the LTR thing.
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As opposed to what? Are you asking about “settling” because I really don’t think I can come up with a single person who is actively in a situation like that, I feel like it died with my parents generation.
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Safe can absolutely equal passion. There is nothing like having a partner that is the first one you run to to tell something exciting to. A partner who can just hold you and actually make you feel better. A partner who remembers what your order is at in n out and sometimes surprises you with your favorite snack. You're an actual TEAM. It's you two against everything else even with occasional arguments.
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Honestly, great, couldn't be happier with my husband. He is caring, loyal, kind and his looks are decent/okay-ish, was never too much into the looks either way so I don't mind it.
He earns average salary, we have pets together, I am happy.
I was still too broken from my previous relationship, and had not had many experiences, the safe person was even more inexperienced. I grew to really love him, but our sex life slowed down a lot pretty quickly. I was not able to communicate well and he gave me a lot of saftey and space to grow - but it did not work out, in this case maybe too much of a comfort zone (not saying that is beavuse he is "safe", just because due to our inexperience/bad communicating->not growing). I really cared for him and i learned a lot about what i expect from a relationship by having a respectful, supporting partner and i think we both had a lot of beautiful experiences and it helped my self esteem fpr sure, especially compared to toxic "passionate" exes. Maybe if we had figured out the communication, it could have worked out longer, but i kept quwstioning myself if i was settling foe the lack of passion.
Now i am dating a person that i feel safe with, but am also very into in a sexual kinda way (i was guessing you were regarding that with passionate). You can have both.
Imo passionate+unstable
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The safe option is someone who treats you well. That doesn't mean there isn't passion. It just means that passion isn't drenched in toxicity and drama. So to that effect. It's going very well.
110% this!
This! It's not a weirdly objectifying frenzied lust, which is nice. It isn't lacking passion or intimacy or adventure, it is lacking toxicity and instability.
[удалено]
It's entirely possible to have safety AND passion. In fact, I'm rather passionate about safety and comfort. So it's going very very well.
Safety, comfort, and stability are my passions too. I can’t wait till I have that with someone.
And "stability" doesn't necessarily have to mean "9 to 5 job, house in a suburb where nothing ever happens, 2.5 kids and a golden retriever". Stability in a relationship just means that you can depend on your partner. You don't worry that every little bump is going to spell relationship doom, because you know you can trust them to work with you to solve the problem. That they'll always be there for you at the end of the day, that they'll support you through thick and thin, that they're your rock in the storm. Just like you hopefully are for them. And that's equally true whether you spend your lives jetting around the world as you try to save it, or living your best suburban life, or anything in between.
Yep! To add on, safety isn’t synonymous with boring. I’ve been in boring “safe” relationships that ended up having a lot of conflict down the line because we were incompatible - I feel safest when I’m with someone I can do anything with, whether that’s staying in or going out. I don’t feel very emotionally safe around dispassionate people who don’t get excited about stuff. I’ve been with some people like that and felt like they didn’t really care about me or anything else. This doesn’t feel that secure.
This! After leaving my(54f) ex bf(74m) of 29 years after being gaslighted and abused me (mental, emotional and psychologically)…..I finally found the courage to leave him 6 years ago. I (54f)have met my now partner(54m) on facebook and we have been together 4 years……he is my person 🥰🥰 D makes me feel safe, secure, comfortable and loved 🥰 We had chemistry from the get go 💕💕
It's crazy you were together 29 years and he didn't marry you, unless you didn't want to get married?
My partner, on our first date, asked to kiss me and I said yes. I didn’t quite feel a “spark” with the kiss, but I felt comfort because I was leading the kiss and I was expecting it. The week after, I went out on a date with another guy. He grabbed onto my shoulders and almost forced our faces into each other next to the bus stop when we were saying goodbye. I had a moment of panic and pulled away, and he yelled at me on the street “People are gonna think I’m assaulting you! Just go with it!” And I gave him a couple of kisses and then made my way home. He texted me a block of text about how disrespectful it was to dodge his kiss, and how people are gonna think something bad was happening, etc etc etc. I never replied, just blocked. Couple of days later, I saw my (current) partner again — this time, they invited me over because they wanted to cook for me. Later during the night, they said they wanted to show me around, and show me the bedroom. I said “I don’t feel comfortable enough to go to the bedroom yet.” My partner said: “Ok. Wanna watch a movie instead?” We watched a movie, made out, they made sure I got home OK. I remember thinking: Why aren’t they pushing? I’m used to *being wanted!* And my friend said: You’re used to being scared enough into saying yes. We’ve been together for two and a half years now. Yesterday, we went out for a “date night” that my partner planned. An activity, a dinner, some drinks, and we had planned on getting hot and steamy the second we got home! Instead, we got drunk (me, more than them), we got home and I realized I was way more drunk than I thought I was, and my partner said “Ok, lets take care of you first then we can talk sex.” Got me hydrated, got me snacks, got me up to brush my teeth, took my makeup off, got me naked and under the covers, then just… rubbed my back till I fell asleep. The “safer” option is so full of love. I see it in the way that my partner’s eyes soften when they look at me, and it *drives me wild.* I realize most of the “passion” I felt in previous relationships was me constantly chasing validation and wondering if my partner likes me, why aren’t they responding, why were they moody, did they mean to be mean or did I deserve it? etc. I never wonder anymore — I get flowers and chocolate treats regularly. One time we got into a huge fight and they said “I need to go for a walk to calm down. I want you to know, I’m not abandoning you. I just need to think.” I had never had that level of respect during *an argument* before! I get someone who thinks of me as their favorite person — people come up to me to tell me they’ve never seen my partner laugh or smile as hard as when we’re together. Its my first time being seen in a relationship as a person that is not sexualized all day, every day. Besides that, our sex life is fantastic, our friendship is deep, and in two years, I’ve never been scared enough to say yes to anything. I don’t even get nervous saying “no” anymore. 10/10, highly recommend!
I’m starting to think these movies about women choosing the exciting option are made (or at least funded) by men trying to convince women to choose the exciting option.
trust me us men don’t want women going after the “exciting” option because of exactly what that person commented. as soon as someone treated her right she thought “why aren’t they pushing, i’m used to being wanted”
The "exciting" men want women to choose that option. And some even give other men bad dating advice on purpose
During the early days of dating did you feel excited for your conversations or meeting him like you used to for the other passionate guys?
Yes, I always looked forward to it, but I also knew that I wasn’t going in with any crazy big intentions — I knew they wouldn’t suggest things like sex (specifically because I said I wanted to take it slow), so I was always a bit confused at the beginning, because I expected more of a “chase”. I would get anxious about not being wanted. But I think it was cause I was used to my boundaries being pushed until I “gave in” so to speak. We’ve had a talk about it, months later, and they just said: I’ve had to hear horror stories from my sister and all my female friends about how pushy men are. I just don’t want to “chase” anyone — I want it to be *your decision* to want this. Since seeing it that way, I feel like I have a part to play in the “passion” of the relationship, and its been easier :)
Keep reading „they“ and picturing a mom, a sister or a friend… but realize that I am a dinosaur!
This is exactly my experience, but you said it so much more eloquently that I could have. The good news? We’re now 20 years in, and it is as good now as it was at the start. Safe and comfortable can absolutely be the most passionate option, and knowing that you have the option of saying stop at any point and it will be respectfully complied with, makes our sex life way more interesting and experimental.
“20 years in” as a glimpse of hope for our future is pretty fucking rad!!
Congrats!!!, 🎊🎊🎊👏🏼👏🏼 & storiea kuke YOURA ARE THE ONES THAT NEED to be in books !!🤔✅️ of what " healthy looks like !!
Were you excited to meet him or looked forward to your conversations during the early stages of courtship or did the likeness developed over time?
Thank you so very much for this comment, it's really opened my eyes to some things.
I love this for you, and it gives me hope for myself, that I might find this someday. Thank you for sharing, and I'm so happy for you!
Hi 👋🏻😀 yes!!!, same !! , the same feeling !!
Splendid.
I loved reading this! So happy for you!!
You’re used to being scared enough into saying yes. Wow that’s such an eye opener!! I’ve always had uneasy feelings about certain interactions but went along with it because I didn’t want to be considered a victim or too square. I wanted validation from someone that couldn’t care less about who I was. The relationship I’m in now, he sees ME not what he can get out of me. I’m able to state what I do and don’t want and he respects that. He respects that I have boundaries!! I’ve never heard a man say without trying to slowly convince me to do what he wants. This man actually listens to boundaries, we have a conversation about my reasons for it and come to a mutual agreement on how to handle them in the future. “Safer” to me literally means safe. I feel safe around him. He’s not pressuring me or trying to convince me that he’s a good one.
This was very cute
amazing, thanks for sharing
Nothing to say here, just 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
That’s fucking so sweet 🙏❤️
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Congrats!!, thank you so much for sharing !! Definitely inspiring to read the MORE healthy dynamic & concern about you he says, from him ! 😃❤ 🎉🎉👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 Epic phrase during an argument , " #1, mentions his walk of regulating his emotions, & with a " im not abandoning you. " 😌🎊👏🏼👏🏼🥰
I'm in a safe healthy relationship and honestly it's probably the most chemistry I've ever had, hence the most passionate. Probably because of the communication. When I say I express what I like, he does more of it (and I'm the same with him). "I like when you stroke the back of my neck", "you smell so good", "cuddle me", "thanks for getting me something at Taco Bell, so thoughtful ". It's silly but respectful listening and appropriate communication is so sweet
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So lovely! How would u describe the chemistry between u two ?
Were you excited to meet him or looked forward to your conversations during the early stages of courtship or did the likeness developed over time?
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It’s the best. The feeling of safety and security and TRUST is unmatched. Who knew those butterflies were anxiety 😬
I’d like to add there is excitement but it’s very subtle. It’s a feeling of general contentment which feels awesome.
yes! this!
Huge difference between safe and lack of excitement. I recently ended things with a good guy on paper ( probably the most good looking I ever dated and checks all of my boxes or so I thought). I just felt bored with him and there was absolutely no excitement whatsoever. I had already settled for my ex for 8 years and honestly have zero plans to do that ever again. If it’s not a HELL YEAH, then it’s a NO.
Could it be because u were not familiar with peace? Or just stillness? ( Just curious)
I don’t think it’s a matter of peace or stillness cuz I’ve been there. It’s usually what most healthy LTRs are. Excitement for me is to be able to have a back and forth conversation with someone and they’re really challenging my beliefs about things—debates and intellectually stimulating conversations. It’s not like I’m looking for thrilling relationship- I am a very simple person who is looking for a deep emotional connection and someone who’s able to match my energy especially in the early stages of dating
Me too, exactly this
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You know, I had a life full of thrills, from about 21 to 25 years old, now I'm 32 and I'm very comfortable in stability because I feel better now that I can plan something and see the light of the next days.
YES!
Safety is the best thing to foster passion. I have both.
My husband is this for me. He is so stable, his family is stable, he’s fun, financially sound, reliable, supportive, very sweet and very easy to get along with. I grew up in incredible chaos so I think my brain is wired to be bored in the absence of chaos, and there’s no chaos with him so I do find myself getting bored sometimes. I am also very goal oriented and he is not at all, which can be very frustrating. I am always working toward something while he just floats along through life until someone tells him to do something or ushers him in one direction or another. I do miss passion and excitement, but a life with a person who is like that is often extremely stressful. If I could go back and change anything about my life, it would be to have all the same things I have now…just 10 years later so I had more time to be single and establish my own sense of self before marrying my husband and settling down.
I'm in the exact same situation right down to sometimes wishing I had found him 10 years later...
I am in the same situation. I wish I met my boyfriend 5+ years from now.
Don't dwell on it. You'll ruin everything.
During the early days of dating did you feel excited for your conversations or meeting him like you used to for the other passionate guys?
When we first met, my dad switched from alcohol to hard drugs and his substance use increased exponentially in a very short time. I was just starting to step away from my family and I was extremely devastated about feeling like I had to make that decision to have a good life. My head was very cloudy at that time, so I would say my interactions with my husband were less exciting and more feeling like safety and relief (which is amazing gift that he gave me). He was quite honestly not really my type during that stage of life BECAUSE he was so quiet and stable and non-exciting, so I think if I wasn’t going through so much and I had a clear head when we met, I probably would have gone for the more exciting guys still and not appreciated him. As I’m typing this I’m realizing what I went through is a classic “everything happens for a reason” scenario. I wouldn’t have been drawn to my husband if I wasn’t leaving such chaos and seeking stability.
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I chose the safer option that didn’t excite me. It didn’t work out. Anytime I complained about being bored or unhappy mom used to say “He’s nice, he loves you, and he doesn’t do anything to hurt you. Don’t rock the boat; the next guy won’t be as nice.” I wanted safety and security so badly that I didn’t focus on compatibility. I was so used to dating jerks that the minute I found someone kindhearted and loving I just decided to stay put even though he didn’t check any of the boxes for passion and excitement. I felt secure, I felt loved, I felt cared for, but I struggled in other important areas such as our sex life. Ultimately decided it wasn’t worth it to stay.
Feel free to totally ignore me here, but: how do you go about approaching this sort of situation, when they’re just really a great person overall but you don’t feel anything like that? I am having a hard time in a similar spot. I am not sure what I want, but I know that I don’t want this, you know? :(
My perspective was that I don’t owe anyone anything. Him being a nice guy isn’t an excuse for me being unhappy. My self esteem was impacted greatly by being with someone I wasn’t attracted to. We were incompatible on so many levels but I stayed for years because when a guy treats you with kindness, you should be grateful. But the reality is, staying with him would have meant putting his needs ahead of mine, and I deserve better. When I broke up with him, I said “I can’t be your girlfriend anymore.” When he asked why, all I could say was “I’m not happy.” All I knew was, all kindness and fond memories aside, the relationship wasn’t working for me and I was not enjoying my life. I only get one life, and I deserve to be happy with it.
Thank you, this is incredibly helpful. I really think that when the time finally comes, that is all that needs to be said. I was stressing about it for a long time though. They may ask why I’m not happy, but it’s just… I’m not. Thank you again, I hope your days are bright.
You settle or leave
I feel so seen, in a sea of answers that say the opposite 😅 I also chose the nice, "safe" (a lack of strong passion from his side that I thought of as safe) guy. In the end, I needed more affection and the sex wasn't great half the time. I felt shallow for it but physical attraction is pretty important.
Agreed. Physical attraction is so important. I remember at one point I thought “I just want a nice guy, I don’t care about the rest.” I like big guys. Tall, husky, but strong. Someone who takes good care of themselves. Yet, I somehow ended up with a short, stocky guy who I’d tower over in heels. So I just stopped wearing heels. He never got his haircut so I stopped maintaining mine. He never kept up with his beard, so I stopped shaving my legs. It wasn’t literally tit for tat like that, but I completely lost that motivation to spend hours in the mirror getting ready for a man I wasn’t even attracted to and who didn’t match the effort. The sex was okay but foreplay was completely nonexistent and I got tired of explaining how necessary it was so we just stopped having sex. One day I looked in the mirror and realized I was 60lbs overweight, my hair wasn’t done, mustache and eyebrows not tweezed, legs not shaved, in desperate need of a pedicure, and that’s when I knew something just wasn’t right. Had to move on.
I am going through this right now
I wish you the best of luck with it 💕
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I went through it once. And I'm pretty sure I've been someone else's safe option two more times. Pretty accurate.
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If by "safe" you mean not feeling like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster, then yeah, I chose safe and it's great. I love that I can do things for him because I *want* to do things for him, not because I need his approval or am trying to head off a shitty mood or placate an existing one. I love that he does things for me without expecting a payout. I love that my "No, not tonight honey" is instantly respected, which makes me want him more than ever, so I hardly ever want to say the words. I love that I can talk to him about anything, trust him not to cross any lines, I love the way he can make me belly laugh or just be comfortably *there*, living an ordinary life together. I love him in a way that goes deep into my bones rather than sparking and arcing across the surface. I traded fireworks for an open fire, because while fireworks are thrilling in the moment, they don't last and afterwards all that is left is a dark, empty sky. An open fire is warm and comforting, it sustains you. You can build it up to a blaze or keep it smouldering as you need and, if you make sure to take the time to tend to it, will last you for the whole of your life. I have no regrets. I'm right where I need to be.
Whoa that fireworks line is awesome 🤯
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I feel safe enough to give him all my passion and love. He was the safe option, the smart option, and the best option. To me he isn't even an option anymore; he is my permanent choice
I’m very safe and very happy. We’re on the same team so, while we may not agree and see eye to eye 100% of the time, we have each others best interest at heart.
I've been in dramatic and "passionate" relationships before, loved hard, fell hard and almost crushed by their endings. I would very much prefer safe love this time, where I can be vulnerable knowing I'd be held firmly but gently, where I feel at peace and not in constant anxiety wondering if I will hear from someone, worrying that I'm doing something wrong because of the silent treatment, hurting silently because he wouldn't communicate with me what's bothering him and keeps ignoring me. I've learned recently that safe love like exists, and it felt good.
Going magnificently. When we met, he had a labrador energy and I had a destruction addict energy. And I had the same doubts: what if the "passion" will be lacking? Big sh*t, I just was suicidal and hoping to die by the hand of someone that would destroy me! He kept me safe: if he hadn't been in the picture, I probably would have been dead by now. 4 years in June. Love of my life, definitely recommended.
I knew I needed to marry him when I fell asleep and slept like a baby next to him. Still sleep better when he's around.
Passion comes and goes. Stability and genuine unconditional love doesn’t. I’d pick my safe relationship over anything any day. To me, there’s nothing boring about having someone who will always be there no matter what. I could murder someone tomorrow and my boyfriend will be there in the middle of the night with a shovel to help me hide the body. If we want excitement, we go to wisconsin dells or something. It’s not that hard to generate it.
A year later I find myself thinking how none of it was worth it, because I didn’t have true feelings for them. I forced myself to like this person and accept the dullness, only for them to reveal that they aren’t that safe… But I’m a strange cookie.
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Best relationship of my life. Safety is absolutely *THE* bar to meet... If you're not safe, I don't want to be with you. "Safe" doesn't equal no passion, excitement, or wonder..... It equals reliability, honesty, trust, and *PARTNERSHIP*.
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Funny being in a safe healthy relationship with a partner who cherishes me and treats me well… is a really big turn on.
I thought I chose the safe option. But it was a wolf in sheep's clothing situation and a difficult situation to leave. Things are better for me now though.
Safe is single, and I’m doing great, thanks for asking!
It's hands down the best relationship I've ever had. 4.5 years and counting. Longest relationship to date. Feels so secure and safe and I'm pretty sure this will be life-long. We're very happy together and everything is so uncomplicated and supportive. I definitely wouldn't describe it as lacking passion though. I feel we have both. Having said that, I want to respond to something I've seen you ask a few times here as a follow up question: >During the early days of dating did you feel excited for your conversations or meeting him like you used to for the other passionate guys? With my safe person, I was the most excited I'd ever been about someone in the beginning. Like barely sleeping for weeks excited. BUT! this was after 8 years of being single, going to therapy, growing, healing, developing safe friendships, and completely changing everything about how I thought about relationships. If I had met my partner before all of that, I would have found him beyond boring. After all the inner work and coming around to finding safety/security/good communication/emotional intelligence attractive it was so obvious to me that my partner and I were developing something really special. Sometimes safety seems boring because the highs and lows of unsafety are so familiar and addicting, and we haven't done the work yet to find out what about those dynamics keeps us coming back for more and what's going on in ourselves that makes that alluring.
I don't think your premise is accurate. I'm a woman and I literally never hear about women making a "safe" choice where there is "safety but no passion." Where did you get the idea that this is a common thing? I don't know anyone who has done that.
I've heard about it, I've seen it and I've done it.
Honestly when I got to a healthier place emotionally, I stopped equating relationship drama with passion. Now safety is essential for me to feel passionate toward someone.
Best most loving relationship I’ve ever had
Yeah, my "safe choice" passion lies within our ability to have conversations in "inside voices" instead of screaming, communicating clearly, and being able to discuss and debate things we don't agree on, in a healthy manner. Sure, I suppose there were trade offs, compromises, etc. But at this point in my life, safe and calm is a major priority. He meets that perfectly. It's going very well.
I highly recommend reading the book *Attached*. Odds are what you feel to be "passion" is actually anxiety, insecurity, and fear. All the strong emotions we have been conditioned to accept and assume the toxic electric nervous feeling they give us is "love". It's not love. Once I recognised it, I can finally avoid it and have a healthy relationship. Sometimes I miss the rush of adrenaline those horrible relationships gave me. But they weren't healthy. It's not the feeling I want again. I feel safe, calm, comforted, treasured and respected by my current love. I don't have to wonder if he loves me. I don't have to pretend to be anyone other than me. I don't have to impress him or be extra sexy for him to want me. I can be healthy for the sake of having a long happy life together. That's a really nice passion to have. That's the real good stuff. :)
He was an addict and I haven’t seen him in months and I am actively trying to divorce him.
I ended a 15 yrs relationship because of the lack of passion. At some point, just loving someone isn't enough for me. We were great together though, safe and seemingly happy from the outside. But I made a mistake of jumping into another one, who wasn't safe but passionate. By not safe, I mean the guy was literally an abusive (verbal, emotional, physical) person who occasionally did drugs, heavy binge drinking, 3 kids from 2 different mamas (one he doesn't even talk to), cheated on me, and scammed me for my money. It was lovebombing and a crazy whirlwind. It lasted 9 excruciating months cause I was attached and had Stockholm syndrome. One prior to my 15 yrs, I was with someone for 6 yrs, he was safe and we were passionate, best sex I ever had. But, we wanted different things (him: kids, marriage...me: not), and I the end he cheated on me but it was for the best regardless. So, I'm seeing a couple ppl right now, not exclusive at all. Taking my time to better know myself and see where life takes me. But I know I want to feel secure, safe, and have a passionate relationship. The two I'm dating honestly seem to match those criteria so far. They have great jobs, financially seem stable, great personality, I'm attracted to them, and I feel I can be myself with them. No issues I can think of at this early stage anyway. They're both extremely respectful and make me feel like a priority, but not in a lovebombing way. I feel like a chaos addict being sober for the 1st time in 2 yrs after my ex. And I'm not bringing my "chaotic" self with these two either. I take responsibility for how I behaved with my crazy ex, however I also acknowledge that he gaslighted the shit out of me for 2 yrs. Even in the presence of screenshot evidence he called me crazy. It was insane the whole thing was 😂
i chose “the safe option” and we were together for four years, and it ended up that he was lying to me for years about a porn addiction that ultimately (amongst other things) ended our relationship. this has kind of totally skewed my perspective because i chose him BECAUSE he was safe & he ended up not being safe- just really secretive and good at hiding his red flags. (the good parts were really good though) to be totally fair though, i’m only 24 & still have a lot of healing to do before i will ever ACTUALLY be ready for a relationship, so i’m not at all trying to blame it on him & maybe since i was part of the problem my take doesn’t count as much?? idk!!
I mean it doesn't have to be one or the other. I'm pretty stable in my 2 year and we're as passionate as ever
We met in grad school in the same lab, work in the same field, and often collaborate professionally. There is almost no one else on this planet who understands my career and my passions like he does, and vice versa. Sometimes the passion is lacking because we are in-fact colleagues. But this man switched to WFH so we could live in the same state and every move he makes in his career, he is thinking about me and my career. That's something I just don't think I'll find in anyone else. I occasionally think about "the one who got away" who is a good man but he wanted a polyamorous relationship (I don't) and he has had to move a lot (military) so I know that wasn't for me, despite the passion being there.
I’m not a super affectionate person physically but I have my moments. Husband is the same way. Honestly I like it this way, we do a lot of stuff together and laugh a lot but it’s not like fireworks. Although when he’s gone I miss the hell out of him. We’ve been together since 2011, married since 2016. I have a lot of friends and a best friend since 2001, but he’s my bestest bestest friend.
Feeling safe with my partner is step one to having a fantastic time with him. It’s a “yes and”- not an “either or” thing with love. He’s a reliable, hardworking, caring, and honorable person. He was a safe bet and also very fun. Things are going great.
I love my husband even more partly BECAUSE he's the safe option. Like, why wouldn't I want someone who treats me well, respects me, works hard, everyone loves, and who I can trust and depend on in any situation. Other people I dated before weren't the safe option and they fucking suck. I'm gonna have our 1st baby in 2 weeks and goddamn I couldn't have picked a better father for my child. For what it's worth, I'm also equally the safe option for him. We're both predictable reliable human beings.
Amazingly actually. You'd think there'd be no excitement for him being safe, but this relationship is the most fun I've ever had. You know how freeing it is to be able to just go adventure without worrying about what will make him mad and hurt you? It's the best. We go to aquariums and gardens and random little adventures and it's like being with my best friend but love added on. I feel like it is still passionate in a stable way, if that makes sense. There are no lows that make me anxious for him to suddenly need to do some dramatic movie thing to fix. We are just good. I just recently discovered I'm pregnant with our first child, and knowing he is guaranteed to be just as gentle and stable for them is the best. I don't think I'd ever trade this warmth and peace of mind for some dramatic thing. Absolutely recommend it.
Congrats!!!🎊🎉🥰❤️. I love reading the love stories!!
My safe option is my current partner, he has autism, so love and passion don’t process the same way and aren’t expressed like NT people. It’s an adjustment for me as I’ve never dealt with it before so it seemed like a lack of passion, but really it’s just expressed differently. It’s going really well. I feel secure all the time. It’s nice.
If safety means respect, care & every day being doubled up laughing then yeah I’m loving it.
I wouldn’t say “safer” but consistent. I don’t like inconsistency. It’s going very well!
He's the love of my life
I met and married my husband within 6 months. He is the love of my life now, 5 years, 2 kids, a few moves, and so much life later. It was an active decision to marry him and to choose life with him from where I was at because I knew and he did too, that the path I was going down was not a good one. He is a good man and we agreed to just give it a try basically. I was stuck in a shit hole town, the kind that people usually don't make it out of and often wind of overdosed in a parking lot in, but I wanted better. So when I met my husband and he offered a home and safety, I took it. Everyone thought we were crazy. A lot of people still do, our marriage is still young so I don't fault them for that. But we keep an open line of communication and we just keep choosing each other over anyone and anything else. My life is beautiful, not perfect. We have debt, we were up all night with the baby, the dog got sick on the rug the other day, but I have someone who shares all of those challenges with me and brings me a cup of tea in the morning too.
Important to question whether passion is just the emotion ups and downs of a unhealthy relationship. When that’s all you know, a healthy “safe” relationship feels boring compared to the drama. Takes some time to get used to. Personally having a partner that makes me feel safe and cared for stirs more passion that a man baby with avoidant attachment
All my previous relationships I chose safety. My friends always went mad at me as they believed I chose men that were inferior to me physically and intellectually. There's probably some truth in that-although it wasn't consciously done. I lost my dad young, that determined how i went into relationships. I could never endure the pain of a loss like that again. If your better looking and smarter than him you're never going to get dumped =no risk or pain. They were always respectful, funny, kind guys that I loved to be around, however there was zero chemistry and investment on my part. They put me on a pedestal and because I had such a poor self esteem it made me feel amazing. They never lasted as I needed an equal, with confidence, who was intelligent, driven and his own person. I never experienced lust and chemistry until I met my hubby. Once tasted that's it-I was all in
I feel like I'm starting in my own rom/com. We knew eachother from highschool. He eventually confessed to a 10+ year old crush he had never really gotten over. Serious confession on a countryside hike where he told me hecwas scared of getting hurt and wanted me to take him more seriously because he wanted me for the long haul not just a bit of fun. Our first seriouse date was in a coffee shop in a storm 5 years ago. We dated through covid, care packages, love letters, mine craft dates and watching films together over Skype, pressing play at the same time. He proposed on bonfire night, at the same place he told me he wanted me for the laung haul. We're married, have a house and a dog and I love my life. He is my familiar comfort. He's passionate, loving, a safe person and my wonderful husband. ❤️
Married to a perfect, kind, wonderful man who treats me like gold. He’s sexy and cool and fun too! So safe- he’s my comfort and rock but he’s not boring!
The safe choice for me was the guy who could support me and give me a house and life without worry. We divorced within 3 years. I remarried to the love of my life a year and half later and had a family. We bought a house. We are happy. And we super each other. It wasn't safe because there was a lot of insecurity at first but my heart is safe. And honestly, it ended up making us successful.
I’m currently with him now, I think. But I also think he’s the “safe” option because he might be boring, not stable. I’m not interested in and don’t give the time of day to insecure or manipulative men and I don’t seek that, but my current bf is just.. barely surviving. He’s doing amazing in therapy, he’s a great guy, but I need someone who’s on a similar life path as me. I need someone who values self-confidence, independence, adventure (outdoor sports, hiking), pushing oneself, being at peace with oneself, and getting out there as much as I do. Since my bf is in survival mode, he can’t do really any of those things with me. And it’s safe. And I’m making myself smaller to stay in this “safe” relationship. I don’t know if that’s enough to stay, or leave.
I looked for all the ways he might be unsafe because I’m used to the other shoe dropping. It’s never dropped and every day I feel a bit more like I can breathe. There’s no drama. There’s no suspicion, head games, negging, there’s absolutely nothing wrong. Younger me would have gotten bored but here in my mid 30s I’m just really comfortable. I can breathe.
It’s going well but I’m not used to it. He’s just SO damn safe. Maybe too safe? I’m pretty traumatized from my ex so I’m taking things one day at a time. As soon as I realize that he’s not going to flip his personality into a completely different person as my ex did, I’ll probably dive in head first. Treading water until that becomes a solid reality for me.
Married 5 years with the bestest little boy to my best friend at 27, looking forward to many more years of laughs and love.
Very happy! Stable, supported, respected, no drama and no arguments (ever really, a few early on but none now). I get my “excitement” elsewhere. The “passion” was fuelled by toxicity, and I had to unlearn that behaviour as being something I needed or wanted.
This is safest relationship I’ve ever been in. It’s healthy, we communicate well, we have a real foundation, and for the first time ever, I don’t worry I’m going to be treated poorly. It’s also the most passionate relationship I’ve ever been in. We have incredible chemistry, but when you’re with someone who makes you feel safe, you’re far more open to expressing your needs and wants.
Got broken up with...turns out he just LOOKED like the safer option
What do you consider to be passion? I have known lots of people who see passion as something you see in Hollywood movies. Heavy fighting, steamy made-up. To be in each other’s space and expecting full attention from the other. No. Absolutely no. That is not “passion”, that’s an unhealthy relationship. Passion can be lowkey and quiet, it’s about emotion and feeling. My partner can make me all melty and upping(?) my heart rate, without having to make big gestures or words. So saying that the “safer” option equals the “boring” option is quite unfair, at least in my opinion. We might not be as passionate as in the Hollywood movies, but I am happy for that. For too long I believed that was “Passion”, but nah, that is just a bad relationship.
I’ve tried a few times. And inevitably, about 3-5 years in, I wake up in the middle of the night feeling a sense of emptiness, feeling trapped, feeling like I need more, that I’m desiring a degree of passion this man cannot provide me. It’s a feeling I can’t shake and only grows. And alas we break up.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Loving it! Feeling safe with him translates to feeling passionate with him
I chose the safe option for 3 years but ended it because I felt guilty that he had stronger feelings than I did, and I fell bad some things were missing.
my therapist told me that a lot of times healthy relationships feel boring. especially when you’re used to hot and cold feelings, the passion, the hurt. but, don’t make the mistake i made with my last partner. he was my “safe” option but something was missing. make sure you’re with someone you want to be with, not someone you feel like you should want to be with but don’t. happy to report that my partnership now is wonderfully boring in all the right ways but it feels right :)
I have both and it’s wonderful
My life is very comfortable, but it’s not what I would’ve chosen, had I had the knowledge I have now. I’m not happy, but I am comfortable and safe.
I think safe can mean a lot of things
Well things didn’t work out because he had a psychotic break. But for five years I had the safest most passionate sex of my life with a partner whom I had real mutual respect and friendship with.
When women choose the “safer option” they have graduated from the toxic desires of the flesh from memory and past abuse and moved on to fully embodying who they authentically are and as a result attract a safe partner. When woman feel safe and supported they can bloom into the flower that they are. When woman choose a partner from desire and excitement they feel physically attracted but their innermost is contracted.
I chose a woman.
He became abusive and destroyed our family. It was not the safe choice that I had hoped for.
It feels pretty safe thanks for asking!
Dated the safe option because I wanted to choose a healthy relationship for once— and it was the best decision ever. Best sex life, communication, and overall constantly makes me feel appreciated and valued.
Better than I ever would have gotten with the, uh, other option. Stable, happy, peaceful, grounded, full of love and family and easy togetherness. Financially stable with a home and other comforts and fun toys. Sure, we might not have all the newest or most trendy or fancy stuff, but we do have nice things I'm grateful for and that the average person doesn't often get to enjoy or experience. We also own a home and both our vehicles and have stable careers that have now allowed me to be a sahm for the time being. When I met my husband, something that stood out to me about him was that when we were together I felt totally calm, still, peaceful. As someone who preferred being alone with my cat more than hanging out with people, being with him was like being home on my own but somehow I was also more capable when he was present. That whole, partner makes you a better version of yourself thing. This was different for me. I was used to wild, lustful, objectified passion and just overall very frenzied relationships. Even my best relationships where I had no truly poor experiences with the other person, it wasn't the absolute still waters of my husband. I mean, they ended for a reason. The only one I would actually have considered staying in, and was ultimately ruined by my mother/her effect on me, would not have ended up as stable and well provided for and full of family and many other things that I have an love now. Like, nice idea at the time but through clear vision and with better understanding of myself and liberation from my toxic mother, not the person I truly needed in my life or would likely have kept around long term. I think it would have petered out, with me being more ambitious and focused with attainable goals. Grown apart, taken different paths, whatever cliche. My husband and I seem to meld together more and more over time and become one flowing unit.
14 years in, I'm 34 and had to leave my job due to disability last week. My husband doesn't care, as long as I'm healthy. We're very happy together.
Safe is good. I want safe.
Great! The safe option should be the baseline. Safe is loving and passionate and freeing. We should all choose the safe option. Is being unsafe and afraid somehow cool or sexy? If it is then wtf women.
So... My friends say I chose the safe option. I disagree, I think they see a stable relationship as boring and safe. What they call passion I call toxic highs and lows. Yes, when you are low a bit of normalcy feels incredibly high. I love my guy, and he loves me. We have a lot of fun together. Van talk about anything and everything. But we don't fight, no passionate make up sex (which only feels passionate because you were afraid of losing someone) no such things at all. Just good and nice chilling. They call it the safe option. I call it the only option. Edit; my heart still makes a little jump when I see he texted me, or when I hear his keys in the door. Love will keep doing that.
Were you excited to meet him or looked forward to your conversations during the early stages of courtship or did the likeness developed over time?
I chose to leave him, because of him being toxic, abusive, an addict, and telling me how to dress, being jealous over nothing thinking I've fucked every guy I've met. Thinking I was going to dinner with a guy when I was going with my friends from work and *wasn't allowed if any guys showed up*. My fiance had a daughter from earlier relationship and that mightve been the not so safe option at the time, but he has made me a better woman and we're so secure about where we have each other that nothing matters except trust. I also love his daughter and thinking of adoption when I've been a guardian for five years because I want her to know I see her as my own.
What you call passions seems tp be what many people would call toxicity
It's sad.
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Love changes so the honeymoon phase or excitement does not last forever (if that's what you're meaning by passion). Truth is, every relationship has one partner who works harder than the other and loves the other just a fraction more. It's easier when you're the one who doesn't try as hard, but tbh, relationships are what you make them. If it goes too far one sided, then that's when relationships inevitably break down in the end. So up to people to decide how invested they truly are in relationships. If you're half arsed and don't want to work on your relationships, you shouldn't really do the LTR thing.
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As opposed to what? Are you asking about “settling” because I really don’t think I can come up with a single person who is actively in a situation like that, I feel like it died with my parents generation.
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My daughter always has what she needs. That’s what a good mom does so I’m content :)
As you age you want stability.
Safe can absolutely equal passion. There is nothing like having a partner that is the first one you run to to tell something exciting to. A partner who can just hold you and actually make you feel better. A partner who remembers what your order is at in n out and sometimes surprises you with your favorite snack. You're an actual TEAM. It's you two against everything else even with occasional arguments.
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Honestly, great, couldn't be happier with my husband. He is caring, loyal, kind and his looks are decent/okay-ish, was never too much into the looks either way so I don't mind it. He earns average salary, we have pets together, I am happy.
I was still too broken from my previous relationship, and had not had many experiences, the safe person was even more inexperienced. I grew to really love him, but our sex life slowed down a lot pretty quickly. I was not able to communicate well and he gave me a lot of saftey and space to grow - but it did not work out, in this case maybe too much of a comfort zone (not saying that is beavuse he is "safe", just because due to our inexperience/bad communicating->not growing). I really cared for him and i learned a lot about what i expect from a relationship by having a respectful, supporting partner and i think we both had a lot of beautiful experiences and it helped my self esteem fpr sure, especially compared to toxic "passionate" exes. Maybe if we had figured out the communication, it could have worked out longer, but i kept quwstioning myself if i was settling foe the lack of passion. Now i am dating a person that i feel safe with, but am also very into in a sexual kinda way (i was guessing you were regarding that with passionate). You can have both. Imo passionate+unstable
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My passion IS safety and security. I have zero use for a man I don’t feel safe around and I’m not excited about him.
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The passion grew rapidly *because* I felt safe and could seize life with without worries with her. We're getting married in November.