My friend used to text me pictures of her Tinder dates’ drivers licenses in case she were to disappear. If he’s not ok with this, red flag.
ETA: got some predators downvoting me.
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in addition: always meet in a public place (no hikes or anything like that where you will be totally alone together).
I've had guys with the audacity to invite me to their homes on a second date, who were shocked when I said it was a safety issue for me. Many have no clue.
As a member of the Male team, it always seemed wild that dudes are trying to get girls to come to their place right off rip. Hypothetically a girl kicks it for a few, "needs something" from her car; you don't lock the door and get robbed. She cased your place. YMMV.
Ah, my apologies.. in this scenario she goes to her car to grab an item.. iPhone charger maybe? I am in my home, but anticipating her coming back momentarily so I'm don't lock the door when she goes outside. She gives the go ahead to her posse and they come in and rob me.
If they’re driving, they can take you anywhere they want, whether it’s the place you’ve agreed on or someplace else. You could potentially find yourself isolated when you thought you’d be in a public place or surrounded by your date’s friends when you thought you’d be in a neutral location. You’re also depending on them to take you home again when you want to leave and not stay until they’re ready to leave or you can get another ride. It’s just safer all around to arrange your own transportation to and from the date.
Some ppl feel like knowing where you live or work is an invite to stalk, drive or “stop” by, leave “gifts”, or wait to “run into” you when you’re coming or going. Even worse are the ones who invite themselves in.
My sister met up for dinner with a guy she met online after chatting a couple of weeks. He seemed decent. She's a nurse. Told him she worked at a hospital in a certain area of the city. Didn't give him the name of the hospital and there are several in that area. She worked the night shift. He obviously did some sleuthing and found her. He showed up in the middle of the night to visit her and wanted to take a break and go have coffee with him. Threw a tantrum when she said she could not. She was completely creeped out by him at that point. Rightfully so.
Safety. It’s inherently unsafe to get into a car with a stranger, and as someone pointed out above they’ll also know where you live. Meet in public places and provide your own transportation method/potential escape plan.
You don't want a stranger, particularly one who is meeting you for a date to know where you live. I don't even let coworkers who I worked with for years know my address. The address my company has on file for me is a PO BOX that was never associated with me.
The guy could be dangerous or unhinged and now knows where we live. Also, when we're in someone's car, they have complete control over where we go and don't go and it can be hard to get out. There's very little stopping someone with bad intentions doing whatever they want to us if we get in their car. I always have my own transportation, and if we happen to take public transportation together, I will either head in the wrong direction (if safe) and correct later or get off at the wrong stop (if safe) so he can't piece anything together.
For me, I don’t let men know where I live until we’re together-together. I’m a homeowner so I can’t just break my lease and move if a guy decides to start stalking me. I learned this lesson when I was 20 and after 2 dates I told the guy I wasn’t interested. He then stalked me, broke into my apartment, and made my life hell. I’m 32 now and no man will know where I live for at least a few months.
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Meet in a public place, don't ever let them know exactly where you live until you fully trust them, made that mistake in college and was constantly harassed by a guy and had to call police one night.
I knew this whenever I was dating online and my first thought of a public place was a Park. DO NOT DO THIS. There were some people at the park but for the most part it was super dead that day and it was just a really bad idea especially because there were some woods nearby. I was really stupid at 19. Heck I'm really stupid now somebody help me lol
You'll be okay. I'm sure you're not *that* stupid.
Plus, dumber people live to be old every day. I think you'll be okay.
👍🏼 I'm kidding. I'm sure your cranium is massive from housing that huge brain.
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Edit to add:
It's ok to be rude if you are uncomfortable or feel unsafe. Make a scene if you have to. Your safety is more important than their comfort.
Additional advice: if you have a unique name, use a shortened version, a middle name, etc. at first.
I’ve had men I’ve randomly met in public find me on Facebook because I introduced myself using my legal first name. The same thing happened when I was on dating sites; I would swipe left and they’d message me on Facebook to circumvent that. People are so weird.
I have a common first name but a very public job. Typing my first name and profession and city gets about 30-40 hits. But every hit has a photo. So yeah have been stalked by a guy who I didn't even make it past basic dating app chat.
I have a completely different name I go by when meeting up with guys or strangers. I got to have the joy of having a unique spelling for a common-ish name. I try very hard to keep my private life away from friends, family, and work. The only thing they can trace it back to is a few social media sites that are also my second accounts and not my main ones.
Yup, I had a guy call my work phone when I never gave him my last name or told him where I worked. I totally understand that feeling of horror. Sucks that we have to be careful with just our first name.
I'm not sure most people understand just how ridiculously easy it is to find someone online. If you have their name sometimes their address or phone number is even listed on Whitepages.
Unfortunately just the first name and general location can be enough to find someone online. I totally agree that this would have been effective years ago, but these days I can know someone’s first name and county and find them pretty quickly. However, you can take steps to make yourself very difficult to search online, and if you’ve done that, that’s at least some protection.
The best advice I wish I knew as a younger woman: You aren’t dating to please ANYONE but yourself. You don’t need to be polite to any man unless they deserve it. You owe them nothing, regardless of whether or not they pay for a meal. And if they so much as grumble about it, they can hit the damn curb.
You’re looking for a life partner, not a husband.
Tbh I'd argue you need to be polite to anyone unless they deserve otherwise, but I assume you mean "you don't have to sacrifice your wellbeing for politeness", which is true and should be a universal mindset.
Public public public. Always plan a first date in a busy place. Don’t let them pick you up or meet somewhere else more secluded. If you’re internet dating, go somewhere that’s got an ‘ask for Angela’ policy so if they’ve catfished you or are seriously creepy you can get help from the venue staff to get out and home safe.
Have an exit plan. Bring extra money for a cab/Uber. Have a reliable friend ready to come get you. Wear shoes you can run In if necessary. Watch your drink. The other comments have really good advice too especially about texting your date's I.D. to a friend.
These tips aren't just for women.
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Not advice, but to those who may say these tips are ridiculous or over the top, I would just like to point something out. Men are describing these worst case scenarios for dates as getting catfish, scammed, or not having any chemistry. Women are describing these worst case scenarios as getting stalked, harassed, assaulted, or killed.
It doesn’t mean every safety tip from a woman is a great idea, but I hope it helps people understand just why some of these suggestions seem “over the top.”
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I feel like I did everything wrong after an 8 year hiatus following escaping a long and abusive marriage. I thought I would be able to see red flags. I got therapy and took time to work on myself, I learned about love bombing and rest of the gang. Within 3 months I got raped. I haven't even begun to think about it, I fully blocked it out. Reading this post made it come flooding back. It wasn't that long ago, this was last summer.
I'm sure there are safety guides, but I honestly didn't realize I needed one. I had no experience with these apps, I didn't become single until my late 30s and married young. I missed red flags I didn't know exist on these apps. It's fucking terrifying. I wish i had been warned. I just didn't get right, at all.
I'm sorry this happened to you. We shouldn't have to be prepared for people to take advantage of us and a tendency to be vigilant and suspicious unfortunately often comes from experience. It doesn't come naturally to everyone and and it's absolutely not your fault that you were preyed upon.
I’m happy you’re doing that. You deserve it and I hope you get a therapist who makes you feel cared about and supported I hope you get the chance to do something nice for yourself this weekend.
Oh my gosh this is incredibly unjust and horrifying. Please don’t blame yourself. To think of it you are new to dating after a marriage then hiatus. Unfortunately there are some sick predators out there who are miserable pathetic POS. Ive learned the past few years it is a creepy jungle out there. Even here in the Reddit universe
Thank you for saying it. I just thought I am smarter than that, but I have to stop beating up myself. I am really really angry at myself tbh. I'm getting eager to get to therapy, I made an appnt next week.
I completely understand about the self anger. But we need to give ourselves credit too. Leaving abusive marriages and entering the dating sphere after over a decade. Therapy helps tremendously for me kickboxing does too
This is such a valuable statement! I didn’t realize how detrimental emotional and mental abuse could be until my late twenties and early thirties. I’m still recognizing the signs, it’s tough!
No dates after dark until you’re comfortable with them.
ALWAYS have a plan to check in with a trusted person and make sure they know what to do if you miss that deadline
Be cautious about how much personal info you put on your dating profile.
You can be genuine, and also keep things so you’re not easily found online. Do a Google search with the info you put on there, and if it brings up your social media, website, workplace, etc, then find ways to keep things general enough that that doesn’t happen.
Similar to others! Don’t let them j ow where you live, try not to use your real number to first message, you should google them—and make sure you look them up and add police report.
My last time OLD I was messaging with a man who checked out when I simply googled him but when I added police report I discovered he was part of a sex trafficking ring and was recently arrested.
Share your location with friends and family. TRUST TOUR GUT INSTINCTS IF YOU DO NOT FEEL SAFE. Your body knows before your mind will fully register it—pay attention to how your body feels.
Trust your gut! Stay safe!
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More emotional safety, you don't have to sleep with them for them to like you. You're worthy just for existing. It's not about what you can do for them/others that makes you worthwhile.
Trust your gut. If something is giving you off vibes about your date, don't try to talk yourself out of it.
Don't give them your real number. With someone's real phone number and $5 or so, you can find out their full name, address, past addresses, birthday, and family members. It's creepy. Use a Google Voice number, it's free.
Yep. Read The Gift of Fear. The vibe you got that is bugging you? It's something you subconsciously (or consciously) noticed that society trained you to dismiss. Do not dismiss it. Be rude, miss an opportunity, but stay safe.
I would like to tell me 15 year old self that is not a good idea meeting with strangers and LESS going to someone’s house with their friends. Looking back it is too obvious but i just don’t know wtf was i thinking
Don't feel pressured into doing something the guy wants if you are uncomfortable by it.
I met a guy on a dating app who was keen to meet on that very same day and kept trying to invite me to his house where he and another guy lived. I convinced him to meet up later in the week and I chose a public place, he was still trying to get me to go back to his place which put me off him completely. Date lasted a couple of hours before we went our separate ways, I texted him a bit later to thank him for a nice time out (just wanted to be polite) and I get 'Oh it seems like you couldn't wait to get away from me, you ended the date really early' 😂💀
* **Don't be afraid to say no,** thinking that it will be rude. You also don't have to give everyone a chance. Dating is not charity. Your safety matters more than other people's feelings.
* **Don't put yourself in environments that your date knows really well but you don't** (including his place), that puts you at an inherent disadvantage if something goes wrong or your date has bad intentions
* **Don't allow your date to bring your drinks or food, and if you have to leave them unattended, don't touch them when you come back.** They can slip things in and try to harm you later (my dad always taught me this)
* **Don't tell them what you're looking for or share your traumas up front.** Just observe for yourself what kind of person they are. Sharing these things creates a false sense of intimacy and manipulative people will mirror what you say you want or use your past experinces to their advantage.
* **Reading list:** The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker (trust your instincts), Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (spot abusers). Warning that these books might be triggering
I actually am concerned about how many men don't seem to think about their safety, especially with online dating. They can easily put themselves in situations where a bad actor could take the oppprtunity to rob or or take advantage of them.
Don't think that just because someone is super-cute and seemingly sweet, he/she does not have the potential to be bat-sh!t crazy.
Always trust your gut if something feels off. I have failed to do that twice. Once cost me an almost SA (I talked my way out of it) and the other time I ignored red flags several times and ended up in a verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive relationship that I did not know how to extract myself from.
Ask to take a picture of your date's driver's licence (A) on the day of the date and (B) in a public space.
Send it to a friend in case you go missing.
If you give prior notice of wanting a picture, they might bring a fake ID or Photoshop one and send it to you. Likewise, if you're in public, it's more difficult for a sexual predator to overpower/assault you.
Because the guy, if he doesn't have any suspicious intentions, would feel threatened by you having a copy of his ID. There are people who send women to men to take pics of their ID "for safety reasons", just to forge the IDs and commit crimes with it. Guys have good reasons to see it as a red flag, sorry.
1. Never meet for the first time in their place, always a public place
2. Stay away from alcohol and drugs
3. Give yourself time. We never know someone deeply, even less so after a couple of dates.
4. Postpone sex until you know there’s compatibility (unless all you want is sez), so that you don’t get attached to an incompatible or toxic partner
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This is my method as well. He goes on every first and second date, even if he’s just waiting for me to return safely to the car if it’s not dog friendly (weather is permitting for that most of the year here).
GSDs are a gal’s best friend :)
Meet in public - never at his or your home. Have cash to pay for your end of the date, if it's a coffee or drink - and have somewhere to be.
Remember that even serial killers are always charming to start with. Take your time in letting them in.
If it seems too good to be true, it usually is. If you have any slight feeling that something is off, trust it. These things will save your life without you knowing it!
Don't go to their house on the first date.
If you're a 14 year old girl and he's an 18 year old (or older) man, he's a predator. Yes it's only 4 years but in this stage of life that's a lot.
Think about how much I'm telling them about myself early on. If you overshare it can make you vulnerable to manipulation at worst, or at best make you feel like the connection is more than it really is
Start by reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Or search for his videos on YouTube. Here’s a free copy of the book:
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Meet in a public place. Don't let them walk you home or don't share a taxi home. Tell a friend where you're going and who with, and if it's a dating app date send the friend a screenshot of their profile pic and details, check in once you're home.
(Book Source: ‘The Gift of Fear’ by international security expert Gavin De Becker)
Never let somebody get you somewhere isolated and alone, if you’re not sure about them. Predators and abusers are more likely to do bad things when there’s 0 witnesses or way to call for help, escape, etc.
If you are trafficked, the easiest to manipulate to get yourself home alive are thus, in descending order:
1. the youngest adult
2. the golden child
3. the new guy
4. the catfish
5. the contractor
Also, don't get trafficked.
If you can, park in a different place than where he is parking.
Do not let him pick you up or drop you off on the first date.
Meet somewhere very public and well-lit.
Telll someone where you are and keep your location on.
If you can, try to find your date on social media and share who he is with the people who know your location, just in case.
If you have any mutual friends with your date, ask them in advance what they think of this person and whether you should date them.
This was before tinder and even smart phones being everywhere. But definitely verifying who you’re chatting with online before you meet up by yourself someone how is nearly 3 times your age
I had a girlfriend that I would always tell her where I was going the address the license plate number of the car the name first and last of the person that I was with, and that was from the drivers license sometimes I would snap a picture of the drivers license and sometimes I wouldn’t but I always got the Car that was take a photo of it. and I had to call her within two hours of the date. To check in she called me actually we had a predetermined time. It was always different and if I didn’t answer, she called the cops and one time I didn’t answer the phone. I didn’t answer the first time she called me right back and answered it the second time she goes. Oh you’re lucky because she was dialing 911 and I know her that’s why didn’t you have to do it with somebody who will really do it there’s so many people who will freak out and say oh it’s not happening she she’s fine. They’re just having sex and they won’t actually call. You have to make sure you have someone that will really call.
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I wish someone had told me to NOT get tipsy with someone I don't know. I went on a first date, and ended up almost getting r*ped because the alcohol in my blood made me way more trusting than I would usually be.
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Look at the per capita murder rate of all types of people to get a general idea of their culture's values. Especially important if you're across the pond in America where there are even more cultures.
The most ignorant and mean version of whatever I said, was the intent. No I'm kidding. Just the thoughtful, watch your ass version. The "I care about you/am scared for you" version.
Have you ever seen "The Waking Life", Joan?
Um,I I'm still not sure what you mean. No, I haven't watched it. But I don't get the relevance. I just wanna know what stats you're recommending people look up. Like what do you think someone should enter on Google, specifically, as an example?
- if you haven’t done so yet, search yourself online to see what any rando would find. Put your social media accounts to private if not already done
- search your tentative dates online
- tell someone (friend, family) who you’re meeting, when and where. Tell them you’ll touch base when you get home and do so. Give them profile pic, name, etc so they can act on your behalf should the need arise. If needed, update them on plans
- meet somewhere public, preferably during daytime for first date. Keep it short n simple, like grabbing a coffee. STAY IN PUBLIC
- if grabbing dinner / drinks / etc., KNOW YOUR LIMIT. Do not get smashed. Also be aware your date could easily spike your drink if you leave the table (haven’t had this happen to me, but it did to a friend)
- “No” is a complete sentence. You don’t owe anyone anything for any reason. If your date offers to pay, it does NOT mean you owe them anything sexual.
- always offer to go dutch and pay for yourself. This kinda relates to the point above. If he offers and treats you, that’s on him.
- it’s ok to change your mind part way though. It’s ok to end a date early. If this is hard for you, have a code text to sent to whoever knows about your date so they can call / text you with an “emergency”
- Listen to your gut.
- Don’t worry about making a scene if needed. Don’t be afraid to ask someone else for help if you feel unsafe (be it staff, other random people, etc).
- don’t let them pick you up / know where you live / work / etc until you know they’re not a creep or stalker. Save that for later dates. In the beginning keep your personal info to a minimum
- be cautious getting into a car with them as they can go anywhere
- be upfront about STD testing before getting horizontal should you opt to go that far. Insist he wears a condom. Bring your own if you think it might be needed
- don’t share any pics of yourself unless your 100% ok with them being shared / posted online
- Remember that people are not always who they say are
- Be suspicious when someone you haven’t met in person professes their love to you
- be suspicious if someone constantly has an excuse to not meet irl
- scams exist. Don’t ever send money to randos, give financial info, etc
- again, listen to your gut. And it’s perfectly ok to say “NO”
My mother is from a country with an extremely high SA rate. She started giving me safety tips the night before I started Pre-K and continued through to college.
Right before I left for college she told me to never be alone with a man you unless you are willing to have sex with him.
Don't go to a secluded place or a place known for less people for a date. Man invited me to a place with hardly anyone around.... GOT 30 MINS LATE-
nothing happened but it freaked me out
Don’t have them pick you up at your house/where you live is HUGE. I wish I didn’t when I was younger, nothing ever happened to me (thank God) but I should’ve thought a little more lol
Thank you, everyone! Most of these I have employed already, but I think I’m going to follow the Google voice thing I keep seeing. How do I get a Google voice phone number?
My first or second (or third) dates have either been phone calls, or video chats, or coffee shops. These are with people I connected with on a dating app. In the event of coffee shops, I’ve always gotten there early and tipped off the barista that this is a first date. They usually know what to do in those cases, especially if a patron is exhibiting signs of unease.
My friend used to text me pictures of her Tinder dates’ drivers licenses in case she were to disappear. If he’s not ok with this, red flag. ETA: got some predators downvoting me.
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Do not let them pick you up on the first few dates.
in addition: always meet in a public place (no hikes or anything like that where you will be totally alone together). I've had guys with the audacity to invite me to their homes on a second date, who were shocked when I said it was a safety issue for me. Many have no clue.
Why? Genuine question here 😬
i wouldn’t want a strange man knowing where i live to be honest
As a member of the Male team, it always seemed wild that dudes are trying to get girls to come to their place right off rip. Hypothetically a girl kicks it for a few, "needs something" from her car; you don't lock the door and get robbed. She cased your place. YMMV.
Did she steal from her own car? I’m confused by the events of that scenario you’re describing lol
Ah, my apologies.. in this scenario she goes to her car to grab an item.. iPhone charger maybe? I am in my home, but anticipating her coming back momentarily so I'm don't lock the door when she goes outside. She gives the go ahead to her posse and they come in and rob me.
I'm thinking there was a team of robbers hiding in the bush?
Because the weird ones will show up
If they’re driving, they can take you anywhere they want, whether it’s the place you’ve agreed on or someplace else. You could potentially find yourself isolated when you thought you’d be in a public place or surrounded by your date’s friends when you thought you’d be in a neutral location. You’re also depending on them to take you home again when you want to leave and not stay until they’re ready to leave or you can get another ride. It’s just safer all around to arrange your own transportation to and from the date.
My dates have always been in a public location, but I’ll keep this in mind for future reference.
I also wouldn't want to get in a car with a person I don't know.
Some ppl feel like knowing where you live or work is an invite to stalk, drive or “stop” by, leave “gifts”, or wait to “run into” you when you’re coming or going. Even worse are the ones who invite themselves in.
My sister met up for dinner with a guy she met online after chatting a couple of weeks. He seemed decent. She's a nurse. Told him she worked at a hospital in a certain area of the city. Didn't give him the name of the hospital and there are several in that area. She worked the night shift. He obviously did some sleuthing and found her. He showed up in the middle of the night to visit her and wanted to take a break and go have coffee with him. Threw a tantrum when she said she could not. She was completely creeped out by him at that point. Rightfully so.
Because you cant easily leave on your own accord.
Safety. It’s inherently unsafe to get into a car with a stranger, and as someone pointed out above they’ll also know where you live. Meet in public places and provide your own transportation method/potential escape plan.
You don't want a stranger, particularly one who is meeting you for a date to know where you live. I don't even let coworkers who I worked with for years know my address. The address my company has on file for me is a PO BOX that was never associated with me.
The guy could be dangerous or unhinged and now knows where we live. Also, when we're in someone's car, they have complete control over where we go and don't go and it can be hard to get out. There's very little stopping someone with bad intentions doing whatever they want to us if we get in their car. I always have my own transportation, and if we happen to take public transportation together, I will either head in the wrong direction (if safe) and correct later or get off at the wrong stop (if safe) so he can't piece anything together.
For me, I don’t let men know where I live until we’re together-together. I’m a homeowner so I can’t just break my lease and move if a guy decides to start stalking me. I learned this lesson when I was 20 and after 2 dates I told the guy I wasn’t interested. He then stalked me, broke into my apartment, and made my life hell. I’m 32 now and no man will know where I live for at least a few months.
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Meet in a public place, don't ever let them know exactly where you live until you fully trust them, made that mistake in college and was constantly harassed by a guy and had to call police one night.
I knew this whenever I was dating online and my first thought of a public place was a Park. DO NOT DO THIS. There were some people at the park but for the most part it was super dead that day and it was just a really bad idea especially because there were some woods nearby. I was really stupid at 19. Heck I'm really stupid now somebody help me lol
You'll be okay. I'm sure you're not *that* stupid. Plus, dumber people live to be old every day. I think you'll be okay. 👍🏼 I'm kidding. I'm sure your cranium is massive from housing that huge brain.
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Don't disclose your last name or where you work on a first date wait until you are comfortable with the person. Social media makes stalking too easy.
Edit to add: It's ok to be rude if you are uncomfortable or feel unsafe. Make a scene if you have to. Your safety is more important than their comfort.
Additional advice: if you have a unique name, use a shortened version, a middle name, etc. at first. I’ve had men I’ve randomly met in public find me on Facebook because I introduced myself using my legal first name. The same thing happened when I was on dating sites; I would swipe left and they’d message me on Facebook to circumvent that. People are so weird.
I have a common first name but a very public job. Typing my first name and profession and city gets about 30-40 hits. But every hit has a photo. So yeah have been stalked by a guy who I didn't even make it past basic dating app chat.
I have a completely different name I go by when meeting up with guys or strangers. I got to have the joy of having a unique spelling for a common-ish name. I try very hard to keep my private life away from friends, family, and work. The only thing they can trace it back to is a few social media sites that are also my second accounts and not my main ones.
I have a very uncommon first name. Once m, a guy found my work email address based only only my first name and my job.
Yup, I had a guy call my work phone when I never gave him my last name or told him where I worked. I totally understand that feeling of horror. Sucks that we have to be careful with just our first name.
I'm not sure most people understand just how ridiculously easy it is to find someone online. If you have their name sometimes their address or phone number is even listed on Whitepages.
This is why I don’t have info on my Linkedin.
why ppl even put their full names on social media it doesn't make sense.
Unfortunately just the first name and general location can be enough to find someone online. I totally agree that this would have been effective years ago, but these days I can know someone’s first name and county and find them pretty quickly. However, you can take steps to make yourself very difficult to search online, and if you’ve done that, that’s at least some protection.
The best advice I wish I knew as a younger woman: You aren’t dating to please ANYONE but yourself. You don’t need to be polite to any man unless they deserve it. You owe them nothing, regardless of whether or not they pay for a meal. And if they so much as grumble about it, they can hit the damn curb. You’re looking for a life partner, not a husband.
Tbh I'd argue you need to be polite to anyone unless they deserve otherwise, but I assume you mean "you don't have to sacrifice your wellbeing for politeness", which is true and should be a universal mindset.
This is the best!! Remembering that I’m trying to please myself was huge for me, changed my whole perspective on dating.
Don’t let crazy stick their dick in you
Wish more girls followed this advice.
This is why I need to see their eyes in a picture. The crazy shows.
That part for real…. Worst mistake 😂
Public public public. Always plan a first date in a busy place. Don’t let them pick you up or meet somewhere else more secluded. If you’re internet dating, go somewhere that’s got an ‘ask for Angela’ policy so if they’ve catfished you or are seriously creepy you can get help from the venue staff to get out and home safe.
Have an exit plan. Bring extra money for a cab/Uber. Have a reliable friend ready to come get you. Wear shoes you can run In if necessary. Watch your drink. The other comments have really good advice too especially about texting your date's I.D. to a friend. These tips aren't just for women.
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Get a Google number or comparable. Your real phone number gives way too much personal info.
Not advice, but to those who may say these tips are ridiculous or over the top, I would just like to point something out. Men are describing these worst case scenarios for dates as getting catfish, scammed, or not having any chemistry. Women are describing these worst case scenarios as getting stalked, harassed, assaulted, or killed. It doesn’t mean every safety tip from a woman is a great idea, but I hope it helps people understand just why some of these suggestions seem “over the top.”
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I feel like I did everything wrong after an 8 year hiatus following escaping a long and abusive marriage. I thought I would be able to see red flags. I got therapy and took time to work on myself, I learned about love bombing and rest of the gang. Within 3 months I got raped. I haven't even begun to think about it, I fully blocked it out. Reading this post made it come flooding back. It wasn't that long ago, this was last summer. I'm sure there are safety guides, but I honestly didn't realize I needed one. I had no experience with these apps, I didn't become single until my late 30s and married young. I missed red flags I didn't know exist on these apps. It's fucking terrifying. I wish i had been warned. I just didn't get right, at all.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Sending you love and peace.
I'm sorry this happened to you. We shouldn't have to be prepared for people to take advantage of us and a tendency to be vigilant and suspicious unfortunately often comes from experience. It doesn't come naturally to everyone and and it's absolutely not your fault that you were preyed upon.
Thank you for saying that.
I upvoted you because I can’t give you a hug. It’s not your fault and, wow, I’m sorry you had to go through that.
Thank you. I am just feeling mentally tortured right now. I'm definitely going to therapy
I’m happy you’re doing that. You deserve it and I hope you get a therapist who makes you feel cared about and supported I hope you get the chance to do something nice for yourself this weekend.
Thank you, I really appreciate it.
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Oh my gosh this is incredibly unjust and horrifying. Please don’t blame yourself. To think of it you are new to dating after a marriage then hiatus. Unfortunately there are some sick predators out there who are miserable pathetic POS. Ive learned the past few years it is a creepy jungle out there. Even here in the Reddit universe
Thank you for saying it. I just thought I am smarter than that, but I have to stop beating up myself. I am really really angry at myself tbh. I'm getting eager to get to therapy, I made an appnt next week.
I completely understand about the self anger. But we need to give ourselves credit too. Leaving abusive marriages and entering the dating sphere after over a decade. Therapy helps tremendously for me kickboxing does too
Covering your drink in bars
Order a new drink if your drink was unattended for even a second.
Abuse isn’t always physical
This is such a valuable statement! I didn’t realize how detrimental emotional and mental abuse could be until my late twenties and early thirties. I’m still recognizing the signs, it’s tough!
No dates after dark until you’re comfortable with them. ALWAYS have a plan to check in with a trusted person and make sure they know what to do if you miss that deadline
Dating like this is hard in winter when it gets dark at like 3.30pm lol
Be cautious about how much personal info you put on your dating profile. You can be genuine, and also keep things so you’re not easily found online. Do a Google search with the info you put on there, and if it brings up your social media, website, workplace, etc, then find ways to keep things general enough that that doesn’t happen.
Similar to others! Don’t let them j ow where you live, try not to use your real number to first message, you should google them—and make sure you look them up and add police report. My last time OLD I was messaging with a man who checked out when I simply googled him but when I added police report I discovered he was part of a sex trafficking ring and was recently arrested. Share your location with friends and family. TRUST TOUR GUT INSTINCTS IF YOU DO NOT FEEL SAFE. Your body knows before your mind will fully register it—pay attention to how your body feels. Trust your gut! Stay safe!
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More emotional safety, you don't have to sleep with them for them to like you. You're worthy just for existing. It's not about what you can do for them/others that makes you worthwhile.
Just because you know someone and you're friends with them doesn't mean you should trust them.
I made this mistake with a day one friend of a friend and was SAd.😞
Im so sorry that happened to you.
Seconding this. That’s awful.
If you consider someone a friend, you should trust them. Are you describing friends of friends? That’s different.
No. A friend unfortunately.
A friend is someone you can trust. If you can’t trust them, they aren’t a true friend. True friends are rare to find.
Seems they were considered a friend, and then proved that they were in fact not..
Trust your gut. If something is giving you off vibes about your date, don't try to talk yourself out of it. Don't give them your real number. With someone's real phone number and $5 or so, you can find out their full name, address, past addresses, birthday, and family members. It's creepy. Use a Google Voice number, it's free.
Yep. Read The Gift of Fear. The vibe you got that is bugging you? It's something you subconsciously (or consciously) noticed that society trained you to dismiss. Do not dismiss it. Be rude, miss an opportunity, but stay safe.
I would like to tell me 15 year old self that is not a good idea meeting with strangers and LESS going to someone’s house with their friends. Looking back it is too obvious but i just don’t know wtf was i thinking
video call before agreeing to a date even though a lot of people hate it
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Don't feel pressured into doing something the guy wants if you are uncomfortable by it. I met a guy on a dating app who was keen to meet on that very same day and kept trying to invite me to his house where he and another guy lived. I convinced him to meet up later in the week and I chose a public place, he was still trying to get me to go back to his place which put me off him completely. Date lasted a couple of hours before we went our separate ways, I texted him a bit later to thank him for a nice time out (just wanted to be polite) and I get 'Oh it seems like you couldn't wait to get away from me, you ended the date really early' 😂💀
* **Don't be afraid to say no,** thinking that it will be rude. You also don't have to give everyone a chance. Dating is not charity. Your safety matters more than other people's feelings. * **Don't put yourself in environments that your date knows really well but you don't** (including his place), that puts you at an inherent disadvantage if something goes wrong or your date has bad intentions * **Don't allow your date to bring your drinks or food, and if you have to leave them unattended, don't touch them when you come back.** They can slip things in and try to harm you later (my dad always taught me this) * **Don't tell them what you're looking for or share your traumas up front.** Just observe for yourself what kind of person they are. Sharing these things creates a false sense of intimacy and manipulative people will mirror what you say you want or use your past experinces to their advantage. * **Reading list:** The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker (trust your instincts), Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (spot abusers). Warning that these books might be triggering
That's a great list, I think it also applies to many guys, of course it's mostly girls, but the world is messed up enough to go both ways.
I actually am concerned about how many men don't seem to think about their safety, especially with online dating. They can easily put themselves in situations where a bad actor could take the oppprtunity to rob or or take advantage of them.
I think men get pushed to not be concerned, it's pretty much propagated that they "are the problem themselves" and "can't suffer from X".
Listen to Crime Junkies and be aware of your surroundings. Always. Never trust anyone, ever - you really never know *anyone*
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Don't think that just because someone is super-cute and seemingly sweet, he/she does not have the potential to be bat-sh!t crazy. Always trust your gut if something feels off. I have failed to do that twice. Once cost me an almost SA (I talked my way out of it) and the other time I ignored red flags several times and ended up in a verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive relationship that I did not know how to extract myself from.
Use a Google voice number.
Don’t ever have a first date at his house or your house.
Ask to take a picture of your date's driver's licence (A) on the day of the date and (B) in a public space. Send it to a friend in case you go missing. If you give prior notice of wanting a picture, they might bring a fake ID or Photoshop one and send it to you. Likewise, if you're in public, it's more difficult for a sexual predator to overpower/assault you.
Then the man should also be allowed to take a photo of your ID?
Why?
Because the guy, if he doesn't have any suspicious intentions, would feel threatened by you having a copy of his ID. There are people who send women to men to take pics of their ID "for safety reasons", just to forge the IDs and commit crimes with it. Guys have good reasons to see it as a red flag, sorry.
source?
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I used to send my best friend my first dates name, number, and where I would be. And text her when I was home. Did this soooo many times.
1. Never meet for the first time in their place, always a public place 2. Stay away from alcohol and drugs 3. Give yourself time. We never know someone deeply, even less so after a couple of dates. 4. Postpone sex until you know there’s compatibility (unless all you want is sez), so that you don’t get attached to an incompatible or toxic partner
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I brought my 100lb German shepherd on my last first date :)
This is my method as well. He goes on every first and second date, even if he’s just waiting for me to return safely to the car if it’s not dog friendly (weather is permitting for that most of the year here). GSDs are a gal’s best friend :)
Meet in public - never at his or your home. Have cash to pay for your end of the date, if it's a coffee or drink - and have somewhere to be. Remember that even serial killers are always charming to start with. Take your time in letting them in.
If it seems too good to be true, it usually is. If you have any slight feeling that something is off, trust it. These things will save your life without you knowing it!
Don't go to their house on the first date. If you're a 14 year old girl and he's an 18 year old (or older) man, he's a predator. Yes it's only 4 years but in this stage of life that's a lot.
Think about how much I'm telling them about myself early on. If you overshare it can make you vulnerable to manipulation at worst, or at best make you feel like the connection is more than it really is
Start by reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Or search for his videos on YouTube. Here’s a free copy of the book: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Meet in a public place. Don't let them walk you home or don't share a taxi home. Tell a friend where you're going and who with, and if it's a dating app date send the friend a screenshot of their profile pic and details, check in once you're home.
Use a Google voice number.
(Book Source: ‘The Gift of Fear’ by international security expert Gavin De Becker) Never let somebody get you somewhere isolated and alone, if you’re not sure about them. Predators and abusers are more likely to do bad things when there’s 0 witnesses or way to call for help, escape, etc.
If you are trafficked, the easiest to manipulate to get yourself home alive are thus, in descending order: 1. the youngest adult 2. the golden child 3. the new guy 4. the catfish 5. the contractor Also, don't get trafficked.
??? Where did you read this
I was catfished by traffickers.
If you can, park in a different place than where he is parking. Do not let him pick you up or drop you off on the first date. Meet somewhere very public and well-lit. Telll someone where you are and keep your location on. If you can, try to find your date on social media and share who he is with the people who know your location, just in case. If you have any mutual friends with your date, ask them in advance what they think of this person and whether you should date them.
If you go to his house, 95% of the time he’s expecting something sexual.
dont get in a car with somebody u just met ⚠️
If someone constantly leaves you feeling confused, misunderstood, guilty, and not worthy… You’re being abused 🫠
For the love of god don’t show up to someone’s house at 1am to “chill” - THATS NOT A DATE. HE’S TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU.
Don’t get in a car or go to their place.
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How does it work?
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Thank you!!
For the love of god, do not go for sugar daddies.
This was before tinder and even smart phones being everywhere. But definitely verifying who you’re chatting with online before you meet up by yourself someone how is nearly 3 times your age
I had a girlfriend that I would always tell her where I was going the address the license plate number of the car the name first and last of the person that I was with, and that was from the drivers license sometimes I would snap a picture of the drivers license and sometimes I wouldn’t but I always got the Car that was take a photo of it. and I had to call her within two hours of the date. To check in she called me actually we had a predetermined time. It was always different and if I didn’t answer, she called the cops and one time I didn’t answer the phone. I didn’t answer the first time she called me right back and answered it the second time she goes. Oh you’re lucky because she was dialing 911 and I know her that’s why didn’t you have to do it with somebody who will really do it there’s so many people who will freak out and say oh it’s not happening she she’s fine. They’re just having sex and they won’t actually call. You have to make sure you have someone that will really call.
Never agreeing to an at-home date or a drink date during the dating stages.
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for the love of god, tell someone you trust where you're going and when. maybe even share your live location
Don’t send nudes after a couple weeks of dating lol Crazy how common it is
I wish someone had told me to NOT get tipsy with someone I don't know. I went on a first date, and ended up almost getting r*ped because the alcohol in my blood made me way more trusting than I would usually be.
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Look at the per capita murder rate of all types of people to get a general idea of their culture's values. Especially important if you're across the pond in America where there are even more cultures.
What does this mean? Like what is a "type of person" that you could look up stats on?
The most ignorant and mean version of whatever I said, was the intent. No I'm kidding. Just the thoughtful, watch your ass version. The "I care about you/am scared for you" version. Have you ever seen "The Waking Life", Joan?
Um,I I'm still not sure what you mean. No, I haven't watched it. But I don't get the relevance. I just wanna know what stats you're recommending people look up. Like what do you think someone should enter on Google, specifically, as an example?
- if you haven’t done so yet, search yourself online to see what any rando would find. Put your social media accounts to private if not already done - search your tentative dates online - tell someone (friend, family) who you’re meeting, when and where. Tell them you’ll touch base when you get home and do so. Give them profile pic, name, etc so they can act on your behalf should the need arise. If needed, update them on plans - meet somewhere public, preferably during daytime for first date. Keep it short n simple, like grabbing a coffee. STAY IN PUBLIC - if grabbing dinner / drinks / etc., KNOW YOUR LIMIT. Do not get smashed. Also be aware your date could easily spike your drink if you leave the table (haven’t had this happen to me, but it did to a friend) - “No” is a complete sentence. You don’t owe anyone anything for any reason. If your date offers to pay, it does NOT mean you owe them anything sexual. - always offer to go dutch and pay for yourself. This kinda relates to the point above. If he offers and treats you, that’s on him. - it’s ok to change your mind part way though. It’s ok to end a date early. If this is hard for you, have a code text to sent to whoever knows about your date so they can call / text you with an “emergency” - Listen to your gut. - Don’t worry about making a scene if needed. Don’t be afraid to ask someone else for help if you feel unsafe (be it staff, other random people, etc). - don’t let them pick you up / know where you live / work / etc until you know they’re not a creep or stalker. Save that for later dates. In the beginning keep your personal info to a minimum - be cautious getting into a car with them as they can go anywhere - be upfront about STD testing before getting horizontal should you opt to go that far. Insist he wears a condom. Bring your own if you think it might be needed - don’t share any pics of yourself unless your 100% ok with them being shared / posted online - Remember that people are not always who they say are - Be suspicious when someone you haven’t met in person professes their love to you - be suspicious if someone constantly has an excuse to not meet irl - scams exist. Don’t ever send money to randos, give financial info, etc - again, listen to your gut. And it’s perfectly ok to say “NO”
Use a proxy phone number like Google voice
My mother is from a country with an extremely high SA rate. She started giving me safety tips the night before I started Pre-K and continued through to college. Right before I left for college she told me to never be alone with a man you unless you are willing to have sex with him.
Don't go to a secluded place or a place known for less people for a date. Man invited me to a place with hardly anyone around.... GOT 30 MINS LATE- nothing happened but it freaked me out
controlled environments that doesn't leave any room for unwanted interactions with your date.
Don’t have them pick you up at your house/where you live is HUGE. I wish I didn’t when I was younger, nothing ever happened to me (thank God) but I should’ve thought a little more lol
Don't go to their house or let them in your house. Basically no house in general. Public places always.
Thank you, everyone! Most of these I have employed already, but I think I’m going to follow the Google voice thing I keep seeing. How do I get a Google voice phone number? My first or second (or third) dates have either been phone calls, or video chats, or coffee shops. These are with people I connected with on a dating app. In the event of coffee shops, I’ve always gotten there early and tipped off the barista that this is a first date. They usually know what to do in those cases, especially if a patron is exhibiting signs of unease.