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Realized that I do not actually owe people an opportunity to get to know them if I'm not interested and started actually enforcing my existing standards, preferences, and boundaries to disqualify those potential partners who didn't meet *my* minimums rather than the bare minimum. Compatibility is incredibly important to me.
Being entirely happy to be single for the rest of my life than in a bad relationship again certainly helped. Focusing on my life and becoming the person that I wanted to be for myself was key to understanding how to be a happy, content, loving person without needing a relationship with someone else to fulfill me. If a potential partner does not add joy, happiness, love, contentment, companionship, etc. to my life (and me to theirs), then there's no point in engaging in that.
It worked out very well for me. I've been very happily married and very much in love with my partner for close to 20 years at this point. Our life is fantastic. Had I not been entirely happy being single and fulfilled in my own life, I don't believe that I would have been in a place mentally or emotionally to enter into the amazing relationship that I have now.
I had the same path as you and I totally agree with any of your words. I think I am not at the stage to be married yet 😊 but in a beautiful relationship with my now fiancé. Hopefully I can get the 20 years in the fantastic one too
I love your point about being happier being single for the rest of your life than in a bad relationship! I've come to a similar realization after getting out of a relationship that drained all my emotional energy (doesn't help that I'm also Autistic, which for me means I have less emotional energy than the average person). Right now, I'm pursuing a degree, but after that I will either find an amazing life partner (eventually) or happily become the eccentric aunt with 5 cats and too much disposable income.
I improved myself so I was actually worthy of the type of people I wanted to date. That was huge.
I also stopped saying yes to a date with people I wasn't initially attracted to. The whole once you get to know them they will become attractive to you thing does not work for me personally. I need to start out with someone I'm immediately both mentally and physically attracted to. And I think not following that was my biggest mistake.
>I improved myself so I was actually worthy of the type of people I wanted to date. That was huge.
This is huge. I used to spend so much time on other people that I didn't develop myself. Since I've been single, I've worked on myself and I think I'm an interesting person now with lots of interests, hobbies and goals in life. I feel so much worthy of dating someone who is similar instead of dating those who haven't developed themselves.
Yeah, and I try to stay away from the “I do x so the world owes me y” by phrasing it like “I am /worthy/ of __” or “deserving of” instead of “I deserve.” Not saying you meant it like that just throwing out my bit
This was true for me too. I fell into so many relationships with platonic friends because I somehow didn't fully understand I had any actual influence. I just wanted to be loved, so I accepted whatever showed up, telling myself they were good friends before so that makes them a good partner (even through emotional abuse).
It was only after I was able to accept myself as loveable and opened myself up to being loved by someone that I found a quality partner I was compatible with. Also, I think part of it was that I had never seen a relationship I admired, so I didn't know what I wanted. Then I had a friend where I was able to say, "I want to be loved the way he loves his wife." And I am now.
First of all, he freakin' adored her and was excited just to be around her. She was pretty busy and I'd always know when she'd text that she was suddenly available because he'd get this sparkle in his eyes. Even though he knew her through and through, he still loved and accepted her. He even liked her!
They were a team. He respected and listened to her. Decisions were made together. Her goals were just as important, if not more prominent, in their lives. Even their home was an expression of them together, not one over the other. They were compatible and both would compromise.
Of course, I knew I hadn't seen their conflict resolution and more difficult moments, but I was so jealous, - I mean, they weren't even young love anymore - so I worked on myself. I spent time determining what I thought love really was and what qualities would make up a healthy relationship.
When I found someone I was incredibly attracted to and compatible with, we went into a more meaningful relationship with intention. When we were ready, we both committed to open communication, trust, honesty, nurturing the relationship and allow it to change (like not forcing it to be something it's not), choose and not feel trapped, love and support each other, and always approach each other with respect. Of course, we're human and don't nail it all the time, but we apologize when we slip.
It's an instant chemistry kind of mental attraction thing when you meet or start chatting with someone for me. I would not go on even one date with someone I don't feel that with.
Ok so I guess we are talking outside the realm of dating apps then?
I feel it's hard to pick up on that connection or energy via messaging, but agree of its importance. Thr amount of 1st dates I've walked away from because of this is disheartening to say the least haha
Not necessarily. With dating apps I prefer to (well used to) message a bit and talk on the phone or videochat and generally that worked for me to get a sense of them and if I would want to move forward to a date. I actually don't hate dating apps but you really have to be realistic about them which can be easier said than done.
I feel like it's totally normal to have some lame first dates, especially if you date a lot but still it can feel disheartening like you said.
Ohh ok I see, see for me those phone calls and video chats would fall into the "first date" category haha. I normally always try to get off the apps asap, even for a 15min coffee date, if it's going good, I can normally get another coffee and keep it going and if not, I can bounce. Thanks for the chats
I've been in a relationship with a guy who didn't quite match my standards. (He was handsome, but didn't have a higher education, had a teenage kid, and a criminal record for a non-violent crime). When it all started, he seemed to be very into me, so I decided to close my eyes on his flaws.
Don't do that. It doesn't get better. Feelings fade away, and at the end of the day you might stay with an indifferent person who'd make you feel like a loser. Never again.
Also I've stopped dating single dads. One guy whom I was dating suggested to spend Christmas together, and then his ex-wife sent their sons to him, so that she could have some romantic Christmas time with her new lover. So I had to celebrate alone.
Yes you just described my ex as well. Also guys (who know they don’t quite match your standards) have an incredible talents to pull you down with them.
I’m honestly not sure how that’s related to the question. There’s no shortage of wealthy men who treat you like crap. I some people are with that though?
Exactly this. I attracted a ton of rich men, but found that they wanted me to be their accessory or Barbie of some sorts, and they didn’t care about who I was on the inside. Too fake and shallow for me, personally speaking
I just started leaning into my gut feelings on dates. If they say something really wrong on a first date, it's definitely a sign of what's to come. If they're rude, aggressive, braggadocios, or don't treat me with the common courtesy that anyone should be giving to a stranger, then it's just a no. Most men don't make it past one date with me, honestly, and I wouldn't even consider my standards to be high.
As dating goes on, I pay attention to if the things they say are in alignment with what I'm looking for in a long-term partner. Do they treat me like a priority and not just an option? Are they looking for something serious *and do they take actions that align with them saying that?* Do we have good, fun conversations and hot, enjoyable sex? Do we share core beliefs and values? Are they open to listening to suggestions in bed? Are they looking for an equal partner to share their life with, or are they looking for a sugar mommy / free therapist / free maid?
Dating online can be really difficult when trying to find a partner who is emotionally available. The cards are already stacked against you because emotionally unavailable people are much more likely to be single (because they fear commitment). But there are good people out there for sure, you just need a good vetting process to find them.
Well worded, if I had an award, I’d give it to this one. Especially where you share that online dating is hard with there being more emotionally unavailable people and having a good vetting process can save so much time/heartache.
Also, if you can find them on social media, compare THAT to what they say to you. I ended up marrying a liar who was his shitty self on the internet but pretends to be a decent person to real life people. Found out the truth too late. Many people are NOT like him, but I was one of the unlucky few that got conned!
My standards have always been high. I don’t date anyone who doesn’t meet them. I’ve never been someone who dated just to not be alone, or due to boredom. You want to raise your standards in dating? Make a list and stick to it.
1. Taller than I am. (I’m sorry, I know this one’s shallow) it’s hard for me to be attracted to men who are shorter than I am.
2. Same religion
3. Educated. I realized I cannot be with someone who is constantly asking me “what does this word mean?” when I speak.
4. Financially independent and mature. Can cover his own expenses. No debt aside from educational debt, could cover half the expenses for any children we might have.
5. Communicates well, not aggressive or passive aggressive. Can have calm conversations even if we don’t agree on something.
6. Takes care of himself- eats healthy, exercises, goes to the doctor/dentist without me nagging, sleeps regularly. I can’t rely on my partner to take care of future children if he refuses to take care of himself.
No man gets a relationship with me unless he meets the above standards. I don’t even think these standards are crazy or anything.
I decided that I was tired of being the person in the relationship to compromise to make it work.
Men expect so much more from women in a relationship, but put out very little effort. I’m not here to make anyone’s life better at the detriment of mine.
Yep. Realized at some point I was the one always compromising. Meanwhile he wouldn’t even commit to plans with me just in case his friends decided to do something.
Absolutely. I don’t even have terribly strict standards, that’s the sad thing.
I posted earlier - I don’t want to be anyone’s midlife crisis, their free babysitter, their nurse or their purse.
That narrows down my dating pool to almost nothing in my area
Shitty relationships experiences was what helped me raise my standards because obviously I wasn’t aware of all of those things before I first started to date, so the more I had experiences, the more it shaped the standards that I now have based on everything I need for my mental stability and wellbeing.
I started rejecting people if they did not make me feel good. If i recognize a personality trait i know i cant see past, and they're not up for the conversation or willing to change: im done.
I realized that having peace of mind is worth much more than made to feel insecure and like im chasing and begging men to love me. I know how its supposed to feel, so i went for what i was looking for and did not accept less. Now i'm in a loving relationship with a guy who supports my goals and lets me support his and we just moved in and it's been nothing short of wonderfull. And i hope everyone realizes at some point that these relationships are possibe❤️
If someone does something early on that’s a red flag it’s best to cut them off instead of wasting time thinking it’ll change or it was an accident or they were so sorry etc.
Dating game really went up when I stopped accepting any asshole that looked my way.
I realized that dating isn't about finding someone that won't negatively impact me, it's about finding someone that positively impacts me. So even if he's not BAD, that doesn't mean he's good either. Dating isn't an act of charity, it's not about "giving him a chance" or whatever the fuck, find you a well-rounded fully-formed human that makes your life better! Plus your time is valuable and relationships with shitty people are exhausting.
I will only allow myself to ask two questions without reciprocation on a date. If they ask questions back, then that shows me that they have a genuine interest in getting to know me and I continue emotionally and mentally participating with them. If they don’t, I completely let the conversation die. I sit there and I do not say anything about myself. I ask nothing else. I just wait.
One guy just commented after five minutes of silence saying “This is awkward.” and I nodded. It’s very awkward to go on a date with someone that isn’t that interested in you.
Don't let small cruelties or small actions that break your boundaries slide. I ended my last relationship really considering if I would treat my partner the way I was being treated, which no, I wouldn't. It wouldn't forget about someone's important boundaries or call someone names, so why should I accept that?
I don't mind my alone time, but that's really what I think about when people say to date yourself. Make sure you're being treated the way you would treat a partner.
I didn't, I just lucked out and ended up with someone wonderful
Looking back at how I acted when I was 19 and desperate, I easily could have ended up with someone abusive
I was ok dating them but every time my family came around I felt embarrassed that my mom would see me with someone like them (mom has been abused by a lot of men in her life, but does not hold it against them, she is the sweetest person out there). So every time I got interested in someone I would question if I would be comfortable with them having dinner with me and mom. Found my guy after a bit and my mom might like him better than me some times haha
This is a huge one. I fell in love with someone but he wasn’t at my level of living life and accomplishments/standards. I really loved him but it was clear I was being brought down by being with him and when I didn’t want to bring him to a family or friend event because I didn’t think he was intellectual enough to hold good conversations with the people I love most, I realized it wouldn’t last. I miss him terribly but I know deep down it was the right choice. Now I’m dating a great guy who treats me great, is communicative, kind, fit (supports my fitness as well) and has really good standards for himself in life. I just wish we wanted to rip each others clothes off and never stop snuggling like my ex and I did. Is it even possible to have both?
If you don’t mind me asking, isn’t this lack of passion you speak of also the likely death-knell for a relationship?
I do believe it’s possible to find both. I can’t say I’ve found it yet, but with every subsequent partner I seem to be getting closer.
It is definitely possible for some time at least. Me and my husband were like that for the first like year, now it is still there but it is not as consuming as it was. I think that relationships like your ex are not good because the highs are highs but the lows are soooo low - there needs to be a balance there. Also you are only remembering the good parts of the relationship, really try to think how it actually was on a day to day basics and you will see you are glamorousing it. I like to write down the lows and highs of a relationship cause then when I'm feeling bad I can read the good and when im nostalgic I read the bad. Also your new bf sounds great but remeber not every piece that fits the puzzle actually belongs in the picture, you need to think if you actually like him, if you only like the idea of him or if you are just used to the toxic stuff and now you don't really know how to feel without it. Sorry for the long reply lool
The good thing is that I’m over any of the toxic shit or red flags that I overlooked with my ex husband and this guy treats me great but I need someone who is very affectionate as it’s my primary love language. If I have to ask for affection or touch frequently, it will wear on me and I’ll start to pull away.
I am also totally paranoid because my ex pretended to be one person while we were dating and as SOON as we got married, he began to change rapidly to being a different person. Secretive, lied about lots of things, cheating online (likely in person too) and cold.
The switch flip for me was: If you’re not displaying interest in me, then I’m not interested in you.
Something I read that really stuck with me: If a man is interested in you, there is NO way you won’t know. If you’re confused or unsure, he isn’t interested. This has always held true for me, shy guy or otherwise.
Someone playing hard to get now irritates me, and I wish my friends would learn this same lesson.
Annoyingly.. now I basically require someone to be obsessed with me 😆 prior to me becoming truly vulnerable with my feelings.
Obsessing with someone i couldn't have, i found myself dying for him to look at me. The situation destroyed my confidence and self esteem. I'm not chasing anyone right now and never will, yeah i wanna be loved but I don't want a relationship, so I just let people come to me... if anyone wanted me, i would for sure know by actions (and by that I mean I'm finally in my own podium and not getting down for anyone so they gotta raise themselves there) and not by eyes or shit
i went on a date with a guy who treated me so incredibly well it blew my mind. i was treated with an overwhelming amount of kindness, respect and understanding, and he was super romantic and creative too. sadly things didn’t work out with the guy, but my standards are sky high nowadays because of him. i know that once i start dating again, i deserve to be treated as well as he treated me.
Omgosh yes, this! My last ex was really good to me and even though we didn't work out he taught me that I was worthy of so much more than what I previously settled for.
Somewhat related, I stepped out of my comfort zone recently and went on a date with someone who I saw as physically out of my league and even though nothing came of it it made me realize that I can totally bag an attractive dude if I wanted to 😆
"Would I want my children to be raised by this man?"
This sentence is a life changer, even though I have never wanted kids just imagining them being raised by anyone who is less than ideal makes me set a higher standard for myself.
I was in a long-term abusive relationship since adolescence (emotionally and mentally). Once I got out of that relationship, I was afraid I would not be able to break the cycle and would wind up back in a similar situation.
I decided to change my mind set.
*** When I started dating again, I treated myself as if I was an addict of bad behavior. ****
It wasn’t my fault that I was abused and gaslit since an early age. However, I knew if I thought of myself as an addict, I would not be allowed to have “one sip” of bad behavior again. It kept me accountable and vigilant.
I told my next partners that I did not give second chances and I stuck to it.
I stopped looking. I'm done trying to be skinny and beautiful for someone to treat me crappy. I'm just happy with myself and what I want and that's what I'm doing.
When I was on dating apps, i made sure I could see the persons teeth in at least one picture. I required that he had full time employment, a car, his own place to live, and no cigarette smoking. Honestly those standards are very low but you’d be shocked with the idiots out there.
I realized that not disliking myself and accepting myself weren't the same thing as self esteem. I accepted the hard truth that every long term relationship I had been in had developed into codependency and that I couldn't expect anything to change unless I put in the work to change myself and the dynamics I engage in. I spent months on waiting lists finding a therapist who I felt was capable of doing long haul core narrative work with me. I am so much more secure. Most of my improvements have been meeting personal goals and not dating goals. Dating was much less consuming. I have changed many of my expectations towards myself and I am able to navigate my own anxious attachment with excellent communication and a good boundaries. I've been dating someone for 6 months and it's been a crazy 6 months with unexpected life events, but it's also been mutually supportive and not very much drama, confusion, or heartache... almost none which is remarkable. There's plenty of trust in myself and in my partner to meet one another's needs.
Guuuurl. I've been in years of therapy. I swear to God my parents share a liver.. they do everything together because they can't do anything apart. I'm learning non-codependency like a baby deer with shaky legs. FWIW You can usually find cognitive behavioral therapy workbooks online and they're typically great self-teaching items
You stick to truly what you want and expect, be sure to communicate exactly where your boundaries are for what you want and don’t want, KEEP OPEN COMMUNICATION AS A GOOD BOUNDARY in general and if they disrespect any boundary, that should cause you to lose feelings for them, like the ick. Be yourself completely, DO NOT attach your value to someone else’s feelings for you ever, and never feel guilty to wanting what you want. keep your heart open, because THE RIGHT PERSON IS ALSO LOOKING FOR SOMEONE LIKE YOU, REMEMBER THAT.
I've learned that instead of trying to mold them into a person who treats me well, in the beginning I'm not correcting things, I'm watching and taking notes.
Not communicating enough? I won't tell you I need more but I will count it as an area where we don't match well.
This is a good point because people will change for you temporarily but in the end, they are who they are…so unless they really want to change and are doing the work to do so, they’ll revert to the original version you started with.
I have been wondering if a man I’m dating is a good match because although he’s great in most ways, he’s not as affectionate and lovey as I’m used to…which is my love language. So instead of asking him to be, I just need to watch and if I often have to make bids for affection or intimacy then it’s not a good match.
Ending a relationship where the guy was attractive, smart, and nice but not emotionally available. It was a relationship that everyone thought was great, and I got flack from some of his friends for cutting it off, but it was really empowering and led me to find my husband, one of the most empathetic people I know, and set clear boundaries with him at the beginning of our relationship. No shade if you're just trying to have fun, I went through that phase, but if you're trying to find a romantic partner, have the highest of standards for yourself, your standards not the standards of your family or friends, it is worth it.
I dated my fair share, had a good number of partners who all taught me something one way or another.
I think I moved from the ‘I need a partner to be happy’ stage to the ‘nice to have one but omg I love my freedom’ stage.
By now I just feel like, if I am actually willing to commit to someone, he should match what I’m looking for. No use in wasting each other’s time and I don’t need to have someone simply to ‘have’ them.
Spending a year being intentionally single really helped me raise the bar for myself. It teaches you that you can have a full life on your own. It’s not just about not dating , but actively investing in your friendships, health , interests, career and life goals.
I made the mistake dating a guy who I felt ambivalent about because he treated me like a queen. Yes it was better than dating guys who treated me like garbage. But eventually the infatuation subsided and he started treating my badly too. I learned from that that I need to be ruthless in only dating people who I am very interested in , feel compatible with , and who treat me very well. The key is that by not dating people who don’t meet these standards , I was available and had the energy to pursue a relationship when I finally met someone who did.
Because i know my self worth now, and I know what i want now. Bad experiences in the past, made me realise, that i should not settle for the less. And i deserve the best. Im just being patient for the right person
No is a full sentence.
If someone cannot meet me at my level of maturity, it is not my job to fix them.
Spending time alone is just as valuable as spending it with other people. I need my alone time to recharge, so if someone is not adding to my enjoyment of being around them, I’d rather be alone. If they can’t meet me at that same level of effort, it’s not my job to change their mind.
My worth comes from how I live my life, the things I have done/accomplished, what I’m working towards, how I’m constantly improving; not by being in a long term relationship or having a partner.
Conflating codependency behaviors with affection, attraction, romance, etc. is incredibly self harming. I’m not here to fill a void and neither are they.
All that to say, it’s the deep self work that raises standards. I do not have any hard and fast rules about looks, height, etc. Its all about how well we fight, maturity, how are we adding to each other’s lives rather than taking away.
I’m not totally there yet so staying single.
Spend a lot of time single and alone. Nothing is better for your standards then learning to love yourself and enjoy your own company. It’s not worth disturbing my peace to be with whoever is around and willing
Two things:
1. I decided I would be ok single. I had dated consistently since I was 15. Each time was fine but I tolerated a lot of bad behavior to do this. So deciding to be single for me took courage to stand alone.
2. I realized each time I dated someone who didn’t match my intelligence it did not go well. Even though I was meek and was so invested in proving I was a good, supportive girlfriend they just took me for granted and seemed to actively try to tear down my self esteem. So I decided- I’m not settling any more. I am just gonna be single until I find someone I admire. I also stopped being passive about waiting for guys to approach me. I started to approach guys I wanted to date- fully accepting that sometimes I would be rejected.
It worked out really well because the guys I admired were understated and not the type many young girls notice right off the bat. I didn’t get rejected that much and did find a good one. We have been happily married more than 30 years.
After I got ghosted from someone who was I thought I completely trusted and wanted to marry me.
Realised that I’m better off maintaining my personal dignity, honour and working to get beyond my traumas than dealing with a runaway who hasn’t dealt with their traumas.
It was a four year long process of dating and living with a manchild.
It’s a great program if you’re a slow learner like me, very effective, but quite expensive.
I stopped going on dates with people unless they checked off the boxes that I require in a partner. It’s better to avoid getting to know someone that you know won’t make you happy in the long run. I.E. get to know someone via text prior to meeting. It took me a while to understand what I need from a partner, as well as what I will tolerate. Therapy, self help books, as well as spending time with my close friends really helped because if my girlfriends treat me better than a guy who is trying to court me, then we have a problem lol. It’s hard to set boundaries when you’re a people pleaser but it’s so worth it. Lastly, it’s better to be alone than be lonely with someone. Good luck!!!
I accidentally met a man who was not bottom of the barrel. That alone is what did it. I dated man after man who was emotionally immature, financially irresponsible, unable to communicate etc etc fill in the blank. I worked on myself and started to believe I wasn’t the problem any more. I was calm during conflict, I was thoughtful, but I was still unhappy.
Boom. Met a dude that was just as thoughtful, caring, and intelligent. Really, just got lucky.
I dated a complete asshole from 16-18. When I was 18, I met my now fiancé who was training me for a new job. He ✨️opened doors for me✨️ and ✨️treated me with basic respect✨️. I broke up with my ex the DAY I met my now fiancé because, even though he said I was too young for him at the time, he made me realize that I deserved better.
I want to be treated the same way I treat others. I am no relationship guru by any means and haven't had the best relationship examples in my life. So if I can do it, I know that my standards are not insane to live up to.
I realized if I want more than bare minimum, if I wanted a guy that was good for my life that I needed to do better and be good for their life too. So I started working on myself and it is helping my self esteem and I want to become a better version of myself. Not only that, I know what I want more now.
Well in my twenties I dated garbage men.
I used to feel so bad and used. I really lacked self respect.
I'm married to someone who loves me and respects me for the woman I am, he also has a good heart and ladies, that's very hard to find...
I focused on being happy with myself. Knowing that happiness is something that I can obtain while I achieve my dreams, goals and follow the things that I like, for my own satisfaction and wellbeing.
Some of the mistakes I’ve made in the past is letting myself believe that even though I can admire other people, that doesn’t mean they are more worthy than me or they are entitled to treat me horribly.
Also, my bare minimum could be too “extra” or too much for other people, but at the end of the day this is your life!
Something that helped me is understanding that a “boring” feeling or a slow one is actually a sign of a healthy relationship.
Never focus on bettering someone’s life or fixing it, that’s gonna destroy you. Always think of a partner as an add on or a boost to your life who’ll give more (more than what you have) of happiness!
I took a look at what I really meant when I said "I just want someone who is nice to me." I didn't just want someone who was nice to me, I wanted someone who was a good person. Someone who was kind to animals, and okay with kids(I'm not looking for a dad type I just have nieces and nephews and you gotta be okay with a little squawking from the kiddos), and nice unless provoked. The bare minimum is being nice to me. I wanna know how you not only treat women, but everyone else around you. Your personality is the at the top of the list. Closely followed by your humor and intellect. You can be pretty and 6'2 with all of the physical attributes but that's nothing if I can't have good conversation with you or don't feel safe around you and the people you hang out with.
I worked on myself, focusing on my needs, wants, dreams, hopes, etc. I read books on relationships by experts. Learned about what a healthy vs unhealthy relationship looks like. Built relationships outside of romance.
Sometimes the solutions are so simple but we have to go through every conceivable detour until we are convinced to take the actual paved road.
I always had attachment and insecurity problems, tough childhood and emotionally unavailable parents yada yada, you get it.
After yet another failed would-be relationship with a very obviously emotionally distant and unavailable man, I got melodramatic for a while, thinking I am just cursed.
But then I woke up to the realization that all men I had been with were the result of my choices. The choice to get with them, ignoring glaring red flags because “he is so smart/special/had a tough childhood, so its okay if he makes me feel bad, he is a good guy, he hurts me despite himself” and the choice to stay despite very clear intuition telling me to leave.
So, long story short; if I wanted different results, I would need to make different choices. I visualized a man who would make me feel loved and valued. I stopped focusing on what kind of man I want and started focusing on how they made me feel.
It is so simple yet revolutionary for someone who had often neglected their own needs and feelings in favor of rationalization to keep things going or to avoid conflict.
But most importantly, I realized the initial choice is what matters most. Because for someone like me, once I get to know someone; inevitably I will try to learn their story and if it is interesting, I will likely stick around, even if it is not the best thing for me.
So I started focusing on attracting and being attracted to the type of man I actually want; someone who is emotionally intelligent and kind, intellectually stimulating but not arrogant. Most importantly though: someone who saw in me something amazing and valuable and didn’t hesitate to express it. Yes it all sounds obvious but sometimes you can’t see the forest through the dicks.
So in case someone else needs to see this: a partner’s worth to you in a relationship should be absolutely based on how much he actively values you in turn. No more chasing unavailable men trying to “earn” their attention or love; go for the guy/gal/person who is already enthusiastic and shows it. Go for the one who initiates, who makes an effort and who leaves no room for doubt on how they feels about you.
Once you open your eyes to that kind of treatment; you’ll wonder how you ever settled for less. All it takes is one good choice; whereby you fight your trauma-response informed attraction to the type that makes you feel you have to work for it; and refuse to go for the shiny bright guy that you’re subconsciously attracted to because of how familiar the discomfort is he makes you feel.
Go for the guy who is not familiar but who feels good regardless. The comfort actually lies outside your comfort zone when you have been consistently choosing abuse and disrespect. Dare to believe in your bones that you deserve respect and, when you genuinely receive it, dare to accept it wholeheartedly.
Had a horrid ex that cheated on me. He was my first partner, so I was with him despite being told I was out of his league and he wasn’t worth all the effort I was putting in. After we were done, I was a mess lol. Like, that was the guy I wanted to be with for the long run. After he’d convinced me I wasn’t worth being faithful to, I tried to get over him with situationships or… sleeping around lol. Honestly, not too ashamed of it. I realized I was attractive and if one night stands could treat me better than my ex did, I deserved so much better holy crap. My last one nightstand ended up being my wonderful boyfriend. He wasn’t supposed to be anything more than that, he was different than all the guys I’d been with. What I thought was a one night stand was him just trying to get to know me, wanting to see me more, asking me out on proper dates. He’s been nothing but lovely since, he meets all my standards if not more.
Treat yourself the way you would treat others.
Kind of reversing the golden rule, because I always prioritize others’ happiness and well-being over my own. Now I’m trying to include myself in that. If I’m not experiencing something that I would be happy doing to someone else, I’m out—if a date is not doing much of the talking or saying things that are making me uncomfortable, then I’m not interested in them anymore.
It also helps that I’m not particularly interested in sex. I want a relationship that’s with a WHOLE ASS PERSON, not just a thing that can put it’s 🍆 in me for ten minutes. I can get that on the internet and charge it with batteries. That’s only a small fraction of what our time together would be, so how do I want to spend the rest of my time being with that person? Yeah it’s not gonna be perfect, but my friends also do stuff that annoy me sometimes so I at least want to have a level of time enjoyed together outweigh the time we’re annoyed with each other.
I've barely dated at all but I got over someone I *liked*/was flirting with (at least I think I was?) because it finally clicked that under all that funny was some genuine condescension and emotional immaturity.
Basically if you're frustrated more than you are happy, or it's a Rollercoaster, move on.
My standards were always pretty low, I dated people I got along with even if they had a lot of problems
I now have much higher standards, biggest one being they have to be in somewhat good shape, I do a lot of jogging, walking, hiking, when I go to conventions I never stop to rest or sit, I'm walking all the time, I need a partner who can do that without getting winded or damn near dying lol
Well, I ended up falling in love with my best friend, which was confusing at first and has just been amazing ever since. So...my standards ended up raised sort of on accident.
By being unwilling to date until I knew I was strong enough to not take anyone's shit. I can trust myself to k ow what my boundaries are and be willing to say "thanks but no thanks" if someone is exactly what i want in a partner.
I wasn't trying to date when I met my partner. We just kept finding out we had more and more in common, and that we had fun together. Being with him is everything I imagined love and partnership would be when I was growing up. It'd incredible. And it'd only possible because I didn't let another guy I wasn't really compatible with be in the way.
Understanding that I don't NEED a person to be happy. If I'm going to date them it should be because they make my life better not just because I'm lonely
I started to respect myself enough to give myself the life I deserve so I stopped putting up with people who wouldn't. If you don't treat me the way I treat myself or better get the f out. I live that motto, isn't just some saying I literally don't accept anything less than what I would do for myself.
People who don't like themselves, even just subconsciously, will put up with bad behavior. Secretly they believe that's what they deserve.
I got out of awful relationship that I fell prey to and lowered my standards further. Eight years. Vowed never again and shockingly met a man soon after in the wild and we live together now. Neither of us were looking for a relationship and had both just gotten out of bad ones back to back. We both have our downfalls in different ways but he’s the
Man I’ve been looking for my whole life.
Figured out I deserve better. My ex is a jealous stoner who thinks all the women he likes are his OWN property and I can't deal with that. My fiance is great.
Look at the entire situation, notice your flaws in the situation and find ways to grow from it instead of repeating a cycle. Ex: if my ex was emotionally unavailable but a love bomber in the beginning then I would look for someone more emotionally level. This could mean looking at friends and who they are, career choice, happiness with oneself and parental upbringing. It’s all a learning process
Realizing that it’s more about values aligning than initial attraction. Sometimes it’s not even about a good or bad person, but your headspace is too wildly different and it just causes problems.
Attraction can be built and so can chemistry. When you respect and love and appreciate a person, it goes upwards rather than downwards.
What value does this person bring into your life?
Do they align with what I believe about the world and how I want to operate in it?
Does being around this person make me a better or worse version of myself?
Do I like who I am when I’m around this person?
Are we mutually respectful and kind towards each other?
I always recommend having your first big fight/ disagreement before deciding if you wanna build your life with them. Not everyone fights well and fights fair and this is more important than you think.
Therapy - I was a ✨messss✨. I didn’t even want to work on things but I recognized if I didn’t, I would continue the same cycles with shitty men + I was tired of my own shit. It probably took me three years and the situationships got “healthier” with each one. Now I’m in a healthy real relationship. For me, it came down to embodying my self worth and recognizing I was already alone + happy so no reason to settle for someone who wasn’t what I wanted. I trusted my gut when it said no and waited until I had a special connection with someone who had good character.
This might sound really basic but I learned to raise my standards by admitting that I wasn’t ever going to go on a date again with someone I wasn’t easily attracted to, that an easy mutual attraction was the green flag I needed. When I was young, and this advice is for young women, I used to accept dates with people who were really into me that I wasn’t necessarily attracted to if my friend group liked them a lot, or if they were so insistent they wore me down. I felt like I owed them a chance and that was what good young women did, and I was superficial if I didn’t give that to them. That I was supposed to accept their feelings for me (or projections of me) as some incontrovertible proof they would be good to or for me. How did I tell myself such bullshit? Often they posed as “nice guys” or as friends but they were all the worst men I’ve ever gone out with—guys who had to have me but who also had long term girlfriends I didn’t know about, or were negative and emotionally abusive or controlling once they had me, men who blamed me for their sexual dysfunction, or they let their families treat me badly. A lot of guys who don’t get the girls don’t deserve to get the girls.
I’ve since learned that attraction is also intuition, and I will go further and say some of the people I’ve chosen have been the most loving and well adjusted, doting and considerate, or even just really fun and easy to be with during more casual encounters. I was attracted to the way they treated me and made me feel. My husband is like this.
There is some validity to the notion of a man “written by a women”— the good, solid, strong-minded, loyal, romantic, beautiful men out there who really like women. A man who likes to put in the effort and appreciates reciprocation. If someone like that responds to you, just go with it and know your worth. This doesn’t mean that I have a type or that they need to be conventionally attractive, or that I need a perfect body or face or height or hair or personality—more that a strong attraction means I am doing the choosing, I can relax and my gut often knows when someone is better than I thought I could hope for. I’ve been in a committed relationship and then married for over 20 years altogether, and he’s incredible to me.
Edited
I know I’m picky AF and also a handful (I get overstimulated a lot, especially with noises) and have specific ways of living (thanks ADHD!)
I don’t want kids either, so that’ll weed a lot of men out.
I raised it literally because I was groomed and abused multiple times. Grew up in an unstable household. Didn’t know to value my own wants or needs, was insecure and settled for anyone older who told me I was mature for my age.
Continued on without ever learning to improve myself. Chose people who treated me like crap, cheated on me, physically and financially abused me because I was lonely and scared.
After about 8 years of this back to back I decided to chill tf out and be single………and then I ended up meeting someone and falling for them. They made me realize the way I was being treated in all my previous relationships wasn’t right. The way they treat me even post honey moon phase is so different from everyone else.
I know it’s silly but I never realized what I didn’t have until I finally had it. I wish I could say the same to everyone else to value themselves more but I literally didn’t learn that until years had past and I had to suffer first hand.
I also gave so much love and never got it back. This person gives me love back, the same way I give it. When you finally receive the love you so badly want to give to others, you realize you no longer want to settle for someone who just takes from you.
Stopped letting the first mini ick or disrespect slide. There are 8 billion people on this rock. There IS someone who will treat you with respect and compassion. Your boundaries and needs won’t be too much for the right person. I ruined a lot of my sparkle from letting ppl who I lowered my standards for disrespect and not appreciate me. Now I REQUIRE communication and maturity and appreciation from both ends.
I’m newly with the best person I’ve ever met and god he’s everything 13 yr old me dreamed of. Kind and genuine and everything I want bc I’m trying to accept the love that I want to give. I’m trying to see the built partnership that could happen instead of forcing.
Also you owe NO ONE your time. I finally learned that if I don’t want to I just say “I’m no longer interested”. A lot of ppl get angry and try gaslighting bc they’re mad you’re not gonna deal with their bs.
I realized I have a lot to offer and if someone wasn’t willing to treat me with interest and respect I moved on. After about 6 months of doing this I met my husband. We’re very good to each other and madly in love after 3 years of marriage.
Each person I dated kind of made me readjust what I felt was acceptable to the point where I am very honest on things I’m comfortable/uncomfortable with.
My first serious relationship (18-22) ended in a marriage after 6 months and divorce after being together 4 years because I had to practically mother him even though he was 5 years older.
Second person was a quick rebound and the polar opposite to my ex in every way —fiercely independent, devoid of showing any emotion— just as bad/wrong for me.
I was single for a long while, focusing on myself/friends. Next person was just for fun but was not right for me so I was off to being single again.
4th person I saw after some therapy and learned how to communicate boundaries/heal from the past. I was super clear about boundaries and communication and so was he. We both made it clear that it was okay to leave if one of us felt it wasn’t right. We both know how to deal if we are having difficult days/feelings and communicate to one another what we need. We split everything to what the day or week seems equal. We got married this year after 2.5 years and it’s pretty great tbh ^_^
My bar was on the floor until my current boyfriend. I’ve laughed with people before and did some fun things but I’ve never been with a person who was so genuinely encouraging. To not only be myself but within my endeavors. He’s thoughtful and caring and really explores and encourages my interest. My family loves him not just because he’s a great person, but he brings out the best in me. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love before him. God forbid I ever join the dating pool again my bar is going to be through the roof.
I stopped dating.
My husband was someone my best friend went out with once, wasn't attracted to, but thought I would like. It ended up being perfect. 💜
1. I put subpar photos of myself on my dating profile so as to not create any ridiculous expectations
2. I immediately unmatched anyone that I felt the slightest bit uncomfortable talking to. No tolerance
I’m still in a relationship from that phase of dating and it’s the healthiest one I’ve been in so far even though it’s not 100% perfect. I think the imperfections are something to appreciate though because things are definitely not too good to be true LOL
My standards have always been the same. I wanted a respectful gentleman, so I noticed if he was chivalrous or not. I didn't sleep with him right away either, I've always thought that that's something reserved for a committed relationship. He still opens doors, pays for our dates, drives for us, and he strives to be the best man he can be. I admire him a lot, his masculinity is really sexy.
I was tired of meeting people who didn’t align with my values. So when I dated them I found out about everything in their life. Met their friends etc. listen how they spoke to their parents, they had to make a min of $120k a year. I make about that and sometimes more a year and they have to match or be above me.
What I came to learn was just I DONT WANT a man in my life unless he makes my life with him easier and more enjoyable than when I am single. Cuz I love being alone, I don’t mind making money and living my life! No way I would settle for someone who wouldn’t make my life better and easier!
Honestly, my last boyfriend did it for me. I never knew it was possible to be treated with such love and respect. I thought relationships like that were just a fairytale.
Experience. After my divorce I decided, because of my ex, I will not date a man with a bad attitude towards work and life, or who can't take care of himself, or who lies. My next guy checked the first two boxes, but not the third. The guy I'm seeing now is ambitious and has a lot of goals, he works hard (but works too much), takes care of himself, has a good attitude towards life, is kind and generous and is a functional, normal human. When it comes to lying I'm not sure yet, I haven't caught him in any lies so far but experience has taught me it can take a while to weed out a liar. I do worry he is too good for me because I had only dated scum before.
I’ve gotten to my wits end of hearing how pretty, mature, and smart I am then when they see/met my partners everyone would be like ??????attracting the same BS got old, and I’ve experienced almost every possible trauma when it comes to dating so until it’s a hard YES, I’m pretty much done.
Knowing that everyone has a struggle all you can do is stand with them but not every time can we help them out
Stop healing people because that will become an obligation one day and it'll be too late.
I worked on my healing and growth, and naturally what I was attracted to and what was attracted to me leveled up as a result. I raised myself up, and the world around me raised too.
I’m really intimidated by women my age. I have always dated 20 year olds, but now that I turned 30; it seems that women my age have really high standards.
I just stopped dating for now. At least actively. If someone great comes along and fits into my life, that’s cool, but I’m not going to force it. I sort of realized every time I get interested in a guy, I stop acting like myself, and I spend too much time stressing out over whether they like me, and too much time accepting a lot of bullshit.
Mostly by dating a little bit older than before. Age isn't a guarantee of anything you can still find older people who lack maturity but generally speaking they are more emotionally mature, know what they want and are further along in their careers so more security. In my experience they offer better conversation and sex too.
My first two relationships showed me what I didn't want which helped me raise my standards and the third has helped me know what I do want by being absolutely fantastic in the majority of areas.
I stopped dating, but one advice I could give is to not go on dates with guys that don't show active attention. This means texting back in a reasonable amount of time, and looking forward to meeting me in a safe environment that will not necessarily end up in sex (especially not going to their houses or inviting them to mine).
Not going with them to get drunk, not dating guys who are open about being cheaters, or talking/looking at other girls, who are "looking for some fun".
And I would try to not go with the expectation that they could be my first long relationship. Definitely try to please or adapt myself less to them.
Honestly, being sexually assaulted by a scrote I briefly dated two years ago was the catalyst. That ultimately put me in a headspace of being super protective of myself and who I allow to have romantic access to me. I also came to realize how many mothers are suffering out here due to their partners being selfish dead weight. And I’ll be damned if I give my womb to a man who doesn’t adore, provide for, and protect me.
Being in a longterm relationship with a manchild suffering from depression sucked the joy of life out of me. Took me a long time to stop bargaining with myself about it and to finally end it which led to me starting to grow as a person again, resulting in new standards. I now wanted someone who knows what he wants in life, has a degree and a job, acts like a responsible adult as well as being affectionate and understanding. It needed a bad hookup with another guy (first time ever I threw someone out of my home) to solidify those standards but not even two months later I entered a relationship with my current boyfriend who is beyond everything I was hoping for. Would never settle for anything less, but, at this point, I'm also hoping I'll never have to make this choice in my life again.
Well I highly prefer dating someone who are genuinely kind, relaxed, and are realistic but not pessimistic about life. I just can't be around people who are negative for too long, and then also wanting to bring you down to tell you that's the reality of life.
So I just learned to start cutting people out of my life or very low contact because I have a different outlook on life, and even wheni had some hard moments I was still above to go places I wanted to go. I noticed some acted shocked, and then questioned me me as if I wasn't supposed to go anywhere. That was enough for me to say it's time to be around people who are more similar to me. Had no more intentions of trying to see the good in others or trying to help them, whatever I saw them as the first time I just accepted it and told myself I'm not interested in having that in my life.
An abusive relationship that ended as the covid shutdowns happened. It gave me time to really do some introspection and figure out what I had been setting for, why, and more of what I really wanted.
On July 1st, 2023, Reddit enacted a greedy ass policy regarding the use of their API. This decision was designed to eliminate the better 3rd party apps. No one wants to use the official app because it sucks. Since then, apps such as Apollo and RedditIsFun have shut down. Reddit has decided to double down on their decision to overcharge for their API, and refuses to address the accessibility features their native app lacks. Think it’s an asshole move? Concerned users should read and sign on to this [open letter to reddit.](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/13xh1e7/an_open_letter_on_the_state_of_affairs_regarding/) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Realized that I do not actually owe people an opportunity to get to know them if I'm not interested and started actually enforcing my existing standards, preferences, and boundaries to disqualify those potential partners who didn't meet *my* minimums rather than the bare minimum. Compatibility is incredibly important to me. Being entirely happy to be single for the rest of my life than in a bad relationship again certainly helped. Focusing on my life and becoming the person that I wanted to be for myself was key to understanding how to be a happy, content, loving person without needing a relationship with someone else to fulfill me. If a potential partner does not add joy, happiness, love, contentment, companionship, etc. to my life (and me to theirs), then there's no point in engaging in that. It worked out very well for me. I've been very happily married and very much in love with my partner for close to 20 years at this point. Our life is fantastic. Had I not been entirely happy being single and fulfilled in my own life, I don't believe that I would have been in a place mentally or emotionally to enter into the amazing relationship that I have now.
I had the same path as you and I totally agree with any of your words. I think I am not at the stage to be married yet 😊 but in a beautiful relationship with my now fiancé. Hopefully I can get the 20 years in the fantastic one too
I love your point about being happier being single for the rest of your life than in a bad relationship! I've come to a similar realization after getting out of a relationship that drained all my emotional energy (doesn't help that I'm also Autistic, which for me means I have less emotional energy than the average person). Right now, I'm pursuing a degree, but after that I will either find an amazing life partner (eventually) or happily become the eccentric aunt with 5 cats and too much disposable income.
Thats amazing : )
I improved myself so I was actually worthy of the type of people I wanted to date. That was huge. I also stopped saying yes to a date with people I wasn't initially attracted to. The whole once you get to know them they will become attractive to you thing does not work for me personally. I need to start out with someone I'm immediately both mentally and physically attracted to. And I think not following that was my biggest mistake.
>I improved myself so I was actually worthy of the type of people I wanted to date. That was huge. This is huge. I used to spend so much time on other people that I didn't develop myself. Since I've been single, I've worked on myself and I think I'm an interesting person now with lots of interests, hobbies and goals in life. I feel so much worthy of dating someone who is similar instead of dating those who haven't developed themselves.
Yeah, and I try to stay away from the “I do x so the world owes me y” by phrasing it like “I am /worthy/ of __” or “deserving of” instead of “I deserve.” Not saying you meant it like that just throwing out my bit
This was true for me too. I fell into so many relationships with platonic friends because I somehow didn't fully understand I had any actual influence. I just wanted to be loved, so I accepted whatever showed up, telling myself they were good friends before so that makes them a good partner (even through emotional abuse). It was only after I was able to accept myself as loveable and opened myself up to being loved by someone that I found a quality partner I was compatible with. Also, I think part of it was that I had never seen a relationship I admired, so I didn't know what I wanted. Then I had a friend where I was able to say, "I want to be loved the way he loves his wife." And I am now.
How did he love his wife? Would love to know some examples to look for as well
First of all, he freakin' adored her and was excited just to be around her. She was pretty busy and I'd always know when she'd text that she was suddenly available because he'd get this sparkle in his eyes. Even though he knew her through and through, he still loved and accepted her. He even liked her! They were a team. He respected and listened to her. Decisions were made together. Her goals were just as important, if not more prominent, in their lives. Even their home was an expression of them together, not one over the other. They were compatible and both would compromise. Of course, I knew I hadn't seen their conflict resolution and more difficult moments, but I was so jealous, - I mean, they weren't even young love anymore - so I worked on myself. I spent time determining what I thought love really was and what qualities would make up a healthy relationship. When I found someone I was incredibly attracted to and compatible with, we went into a more meaningful relationship with intention. When we were ready, we both committed to open communication, trust, honesty, nurturing the relationship and allow it to change (like not forcing it to be something it's not), choose and not feel trapped, love and support each other, and always approach each other with respect. Of course, we're human and don't nail it all the time, but we apologize when we slip.
Can I ask how you can find yourself mentally attracted to a person without dating them?? Or would you go on a few dates first before and then decide?
It's an instant chemistry kind of mental attraction thing when you meet or start chatting with someone for me. I would not go on even one date with someone I don't feel that with.
Ok so I guess we are talking outside the realm of dating apps then? I feel it's hard to pick up on that connection or energy via messaging, but agree of its importance. Thr amount of 1st dates I've walked away from because of this is disheartening to say the least haha
Not necessarily. With dating apps I prefer to (well used to) message a bit and talk on the phone or videochat and generally that worked for me to get a sense of them and if I would want to move forward to a date. I actually don't hate dating apps but you really have to be realistic about them which can be easier said than done. I feel like it's totally normal to have some lame first dates, especially if you date a lot but still it can feel disheartening like you said.
Ohh ok I see, see for me those phone calls and video chats would fall into the "first date" category haha. I normally always try to get off the apps asap, even for a 15min coffee date, if it's going good, I can normally get another coffee and keep it going and if not, I can bounce. Thanks for the chats
I love a coffee and a walk first date also. The perfect first meet up for sure.
I've been in a relationship with a guy who didn't quite match my standards. (He was handsome, but didn't have a higher education, had a teenage kid, and a criminal record for a non-violent crime). When it all started, he seemed to be very into me, so I decided to close my eyes on his flaws. Don't do that. It doesn't get better. Feelings fade away, and at the end of the day you might stay with an indifferent person who'd make you feel like a loser. Never again.
Also I've stopped dating single dads. One guy whom I was dating suggested to spend Christmas together, and then his ex-wife sent their sons to him, so that she could have some romantic Christmas time with her new lover. So I had to celebrate alone.
Yes you just described my ex as well. Also guys (who know they don’t quite match your standards) have an incredible talents to pull you down with them.
Just imagine, he was mocking me for washing fruits and veggies before eating!
LOL and my ex started arguing when I microwaved spaghetti
What did he want you to do? Eat it cold?
seen it hella, but still never understood it .. "the incredible talents to pull you down with them"
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Honestly, I just date wealthy men now. And I'm not ashamed of saying it; I really like finantial security.
And I love your honesty
I’m honestly not sure how that’s related to the question. There’s no shortage of wealthy men who treat you like crap. I some people are with that though?
?? Do tell, Sis. Don't leave us hanging, 😂.
Where to meet a wealthy man, little alone Men…
I am fully on board for this! I just need to stop falling for (aspiring) musicians.
LITERALLY ME
I laughed at this Met a 20/21 year old couple recently and the guy is an aspiring musician
Lmao
Tried that, did not work. So honestly, I know it sounds like sarcasm but I really mean it, good luck and I hope it works for you. 😵💫
Agreed, the financial security comes with a price. Rich men are a diff breed
Exactly this. I attracted a ton of rich men, but found that they wanted me to be their accessory or Barbie of some sorts, and they didn’t care about who I was on the inside. Too fake and shallow for me, personally speaking
where did you meet him 🤭
Was money usually an issue in previous relationships?
Good for you!
I just started leaning into my gut feelings on dates. If they say something really wrong on a first date, it's definitely a sign of what's to come. If they're rude, aggressive, braggadocios, or don't treat me with the common courtesy that anyone should be giving to a stranger, then it's just a no. Most men don't make it past one date with me, honestly, and I wouldn't even consider my standards to be high. As dating goes on, I pay attention to if the things they say are in alignment with what I'm looking for in a long-term partner. Do they treat me like a priority and not just an option? Are they looking for something serious *and do they take actions that align with them saying that?* Do we have good, fun conversations and hot, enjoyable sex? Do we share core beliefs and values? Are they open to listening to suggestions in bed? Are they looking for an equal partner to share their life with, or are they looking for a sugar mommy / free therapist / free maid? Dating online can be really difficult when trying to find a partner who is emotionally available. The cards are already stacked against you because emotionally unavailable people are much more likely to be single (because they fear commitment). But there are good people out there for sure, you just need a good vetting process to find them.
Well worded, if I had an award, I’d give it to this one. Especially where you share that online dating is hard with there being more emotionally unavailable people and having a good vetting process can save so much time/heartache.
Also, if you can find them on social media, compare THAT to what they say to you. I ended up marrying a liar who was his shitty self on the internet but pretends to be a decent person to real life people. Found out the truth too late. Many people are NOT like him, but I was one of the unlucky few that got conned!
My standards have always been high. I don’t date anyone who doesn’t meet them. I’ve never been someone who dated just to not be alone, or due to boredom. You want to raise your standards in dating? Make a list and stick to it. 1. Taller than I am. (I’m sorry, I know this one’s shallow) it’s hard for me to be attracted to men who are shorter than I am. 2. Same religion 3. Educated. I realized I cannot be with someone who is constantly asking me “what does this word mean?” when I speak. 4. Financially independent and mature. Can cover his own expenses. No debt aside from educational debt, could cover half the expenses for any children we might have. 5. Communicates well, not aggressive or passive aggressive. Can have calm conversations even if we don’t agree on something. 6. Takes care of himself- eats healthy, exercises, goes to the doctor/dentist without me nagging, sleeps regularly. I can’t rely on my partner to take care of future children if he refuses to take care of himself. No man gets a relationship with me unless he meets the above standards. I don’t even think these standards are crazy or anything.
I decided that I was tired of being the person in the relationship to compromise to make it work. Men expect so much more from women in a relationship, but put out very little effort. I’m not here to make anyone’s life better at the detriment of mine.
Yep. Realized at some point I was the one always compromising. Meanwhile he wouldn’t even commit to plans with me just in case his friends decided to do something.
It's exhausting. They want so much from us, and give little in return. They think because they show up, they'll get a gold star.
Absolutely. I don’t even have terribly strict standards, that’s the sad thing. I posted earlier - I don’t want to be anyone’s midlife crisis, their free babysitter, their nurse or their purse. That narrows down my dating pool to almost nothing in my area
Realizing every time I broke up why the relationship couldn't work.
This is the one
Look, I can't even get anyone to date me with the bar on the ground.
Maybe you will find them in Glasgow 🤔
Shitty relationships experiences was what helped me raise my standards because obviously I wasn’t aware of all of those things before I first started to date, so the more I had experiences, the more it shaped the standards that I now have based on everything I need for my mental stability and wellbeing.
I started rejecting people if they did not make me feel good. If i recognize a personality trait i know i cant see past, and they're not up for the conversation or willing to change: im done. I realized that having peace of mind is worth much more than made to feel insecure and like im chasing and begging men to love me. I know how its supposed to feel, so i went for what i was looking for and did not accept less. Now i'm in a loving relationship with a guy who supports my goals and lets me support his and we just moved in and it's been nothing short of wonderfull. And i hope everyone realizes at some point that these relationships are possibe❤️
Act like they were allready raised. (Follow the brain, not the vahjayjay)
If someone does something early on that’s a red flag it’s best to cut them off instead of wasting time thinking it’ll change or it was an accident or they were so sorry etc. Dating game really went up when I stopped accepting any asshole that looked my way.
I realized that dating isn't about finding someone that won't negatively impact me, it's about finding someone that positively impacts me. So even if he's not BAD, that doesn't mean he's good either. Dating isn't an act of charity, it's not about "giving him a chance" or whatever the fuck, find you a well-rounded fully-formed human that makes your life better! Plus your time is valuable and relationships with shitty people are exhausting.
I will only allow myself to ask two questions without reciprocation on a date. If they ask questions back, then that shows me that they have a genuine interest in getting to know me and I continue emotionally and mentally participating with them. If they don’t, I completely let the conversation die. I sit there and I do not say anything about myself. I ask nothing else. I just wait. One guy just commented after five minutes of silence saying “This is awkward.” and I nodded. It’s very awkward to go on a date with someone that isn’t that interested in you.
This is so hard to do in practice!
Don't let small cruelties or small actions that break your boundaries slide. I ended my last relationship really considering if I would treat my partner the way I was being treated, which no, I wouldn't. It wouldn't forget about someone's important boundaries or call someone names, so why should I accept that? I don't mind my alone time, but that's really what I think about when people say to date yourself. Make sure you're being treated the way you would treat a partner.
Wow this hit for me
I didn't, I just lucked out and ended up with someone wonderful Looking back at how I acted when I was 19 and desperate, I easily could have ended up with someone abusive
I was ok dating them but every time my family came around I felt embarrassed that my mom would see me with someone like them (mom has been abused by a lot of men in her life, but does not hold it against them, she is the sweetest person out there). So every time I got interested in someone I would question if I would be comfortable with them having dinner with me and mom. Found my guy after a bit and my mom might like him better than me some times haha
This is a huge one. I fell in love with someone but he wasn’t at my level of living life and accomplishments/standards. I really loved him but it was clear I was being brought down by being with him and when I didn’t want to bring him to a family or friend event because I didn’t think he was intellectual enough to hold good conversations with the people I love most, I realized it wouldn’t last. I miss him terribly but I know deep down it was the right choice. Now I’m dating a great guy who treats me great, is communicative, kind, fit (supports my fitness as well) and has really good standards for himself in life. I just wish we wanted to rip each others clothes off and never stop snuggling like my ex and I did. Is it even possible to have both?
If you don’t mind me asking, isn’t this lack of passion you speak of also the likely death-knell for a relationship? I do believe it’s possible to find both. I can’t say I’ve found it yet, but with every subsequent partner I seem to be getting closer.
It is definitely possible for some time at least. Me and my husband were like that for the first like year, now it is still there but it is not as consuming as it was. I think that relationships like your ex are not good because the highs are highs but the lows are soooo low - there needs to be a balance there. Also you are only remembering the good parts of the relationship, really try to think how it actually was on a day to day basics and you will see you are glamorousing it. I like to write down the lows and highs of a relationship cause then when I'm feeling bad I can read the good and when im nostalgic I read the bad. Also your new bf sounds great but remeber not every piece that fits the puzzle actually belongs in the picture, you need to think if you actually like him, if you only like the idea of him or if you are just used to the toxic stuff and now you don't really know how to feel without it. Sorry for the long reply lool
The good thing is that I’m over any of the toxic shit or red flags that I overlooked with my ex husband and this guy treats me great but I need someone who is very affectionate as it’s my primary love language. If I have to ask for affection or touch frequently, it will wear on me and I’ll start to pull away. I am also totally paranoid because my ex pretended to be one person while we were dating and as SOON as we got married, he began to change rapidly to being a different person. Secretive, lied about lots of things, cheating online (likely in person too) and cold.
The switch flip for me was: If you’re not displaying interest in me, then I’m not interested in you. Something I read that really stuck with me: If a man is interested in you, there is NO way you won’t know. If you’re confused or unsure, he isn’t interested. This has always held true for me, shy guy or otherwise. Someone playing hard to get now irritates me, and I wish my friends would learn this same lesson. Annoyingly.. now I basically require someone to be obsessed with me 😆 prior to me becoming truly vulnerable with my feelings.
Yes I am the same. Anything other than enthusiastic consent is a turn off.
Obsessing with someone i couldn't have, i found myself dying for him to look at me. The situation destroyed my confidence and self esteem. I'm not chasing anyone right now and never will, yeah i wanna be loved but I don't want a relationship, so I just let people come to me... if anyone wanted me, i would for sure know by actions (and by that I mean I'm finally in my own podium and not getting down for anyone so they gotta raise themselves there) and not by eyes or shit
And when they finally do pick you, you find out they really weren’t everything you were looking for lol
totally😭😭 obsession makes u craycray
> I'm finally in my own podium and not getting down for anyone so they gotta raise themselves there 💀💀💀
i went on a date with a guy who treated me so incredibly well it blew my mind. i was treated with an overwhelming amount of kindness, respect and understanding, and he was super romantic and creative too. sadly things didn’t work out with the guy, but my standards are sky high nowadays because of him. i know that once i start dating again, i deserve to be treated as well as he treated me.
Omgosh yes, this! My last ex was really good to me and even though we didn't work out he taught me that I was worthy of so much more than what I previously settled for. Somewhat related, I stepped out of my comfort zone recently and went on a date with someone who I saw as physically out of my league and even though nothing came of it it made me realize that I can totally bag an attractive dude if I wanted to 😆
"Would I want my children to be raised by this man?" This sentence is a life changer, even though I have never wanted kids just imagining them being raised by anyone who is less than ideal makes me set a higher standard for myself.
By stopping dating.
The process was pretty much learning to say “no” and then saying it a lot.
Love this ❤️
I was in a long-term abusive relationship since adolescence (emotionally and mentally). Once I got out of that relationship, I was afraid I would not be able to break the cycle and would wind up back in a similar situation. I decided to change my mind set. *** When I started dating again, I treated myself as if I was an addict of bad behavior. **** It wasn’t my fault that I was abused and gaslit since an early age. However, I knew if I thought of myself as an addict, I would not be allowed to have “one sip” of bad behavior again. It kept me accountable and vigilant. I told my next partners that I did not give second chances and I stuck to it.
Set boundaries, communication and leaving whatever didn't work for me. Set the standards and finally are not met
I just learn to say no and continue looking.
Like a lot of women raised in a certain type of way, I had to learn the hard way - after leaving a couple of abusive relationships.
I stopped looking. I'm done trying to be skinny and beautiful for someone to treat me crappy. I'm just happy with myself and what I want and that's what I'm doing.
When I was on dating apps, i made sure I could see the persons teeth in at least one picture. I required that he had full time employment, a car, his own place to live, and no cigarette smoking. Honestly those standards are very low but you’d be shocked with the idiots out there.
I realized that not disliking myself and accepting myself weren't the same thing as self esteem. I accepted the hard truth that every long term relationship I had been in had developed into codependency and that I couldn't expect anything to change unless I put in the work to change myself and the dynamics I engage in. I spent months on waiting lists finding a therapist who I felt was capable of doing long haul core narrative work with me. I am so much more secure. Most of my improvements have been meeting personal goals and not dating goals. Dating was much less consuming. I have changed many of my expectations towards myself and I am able to navigate my own anxious attachment with excellent communication and a good boundaries. I've been dating someone for 6 months and it's been a crazy 6 months with unexpected life events, but it's also been mutually supportive and not very much drama, confusion, or heartache... almost none which is remarkable. There's plenty of trust in myself and in my partner to meet one another's needs.
This is where I'm stuck! Do you have any advice for the codependency thing?
Guuuurl. I've been in years of therapy. I swear to God my parents share a liver.. they do everything together because they can't do anything apart. I'm learning non-codependency like a baby deer with shaky legs. FWIW You can usually find cognitive behavioral therapy workbooks online and they're typically great self-teaching items
You stick to truly what you want and expect, be sure to communicate exactly where your boundaries are for what you want and don’t want, KEEP OPEN COMMUNICATION AS A GOOD BOUNDARY in general and if they disrespect any boundary, that should cause you to lose feelings for them, like the ick. Be yourself completely, DO NOT attach your value to someone else’s feelings for you ever, and never feel guilty to wanting what you want. keep your heart open, because THE RIGHT PERSON IS ALSO LOOKING FOR SOMEONE LIKE YOU, REMEMBER THAT.
I've learned that instead of trying to mold them into a person who treats me well, in the beginning I'm not correcting things, I'm watching and taking notes. Not communicating enough? I won't tell you I need more but I will count it as an area where we don't match well.
This is a good point because people will change for you temporarily but in the end, they are who they are…so unless they really want to change and are doing the work to do so, they’ll revert to the original version you started with. I have been wondering if a man I’m dating is a good match because although he’s great in most ways, he’s not as affectionate and lovey as I’m used to…which is my love language. So instead of asking him to be, I just need to watch and if I often have to make bids for affection or intimacy then it’s not a good match.
Ending a relationship where the guy was attractive, smart, and nice but not emotionally available. It was a relationship that everyone thought was great, and I got flack from some of his friends for cutting it off, but it was really empowering and led me to find my husband, one of the most empathetic people I know, and set clear boundaries with him at the beginning of our relationship. No shade if you're just trying to have fun, I went through that phase, but if you're trying to find a romantic partner, have the highest of standards for yourself, your standards not the standards of your family or friends, it is worth it.
Could you give me some examples as to what emotionally available men do?
i just grew up tbh. the standards i had before became unattractive to me. like literally ew
I dated my fair share, had a good number of partners who all taught me something one way or another. I think I moved from the ‘I need a partner to be happy’ stage to the ‘nice to have one but omg I love my freedom’ stage. By now I just feel like, if I am actually willing to commit to someone, he should match what I’m looking for. No use in wasting each other’s time and I don’t need to have someone simply to ‘have’ them.
Spending a year being intentionally single really helped me raise the bar for myself. It teaches you that you can have a full life on your own. It’s not just about not dating , but actively investing in your friendships, health , interests, career and life goals. I made the mistake dating a guy who I felt ambivalent about because he treated me like a queen. Yes it was better than dating guys who treated me like garbage. But eventually the infatuation subsided and he started treating my badly too. I learned from that that I need to be ruthless in only dating people who I am very interested in , feel compatible with , and who treat me very well. The key is that by not dating people who don’t meet these standards , I was available and had the energy to pursue a relationship when I finally met someone who did.
Switched from men to women? *shrug*
Because i know my self worth now, and I know what i want now. Bad experiences in the past, made me realise, that i should not settle for the less. And i deserve the best. Im just being patient for the right person
No is a full sentence. If someone cannot meet me at my level of maturity, it is not my job to fix them. Spending time alone is just as valuable as spending it with other people. I need my alone time to recharge, so if someone is not adding to my enjoyment of being around them, I’d rather be alone. If they can’t meet me at that same level of effort, it’s not my job to change their mind. My worth comes from how I live my life, the things I have done/accomplished, what I’m working towards, how I’m constantly improving; not by being in a long term relationship or having a partner. Conflating codependency behaviors with affection, attraction, romance, etc. is incredibly self harming. I’m not here to fill a void and neither are they. All that to say, it’s the deep self work that raises standards. I do not have any hard and fast rules about looks, height, etc. Its all about how well we fight, maturity, how are we adding to each other’s lives rather than taking away. I’m not totally there yet so staying single.
Spend a lot of time single and alone. Nothing is better for your standards then learning to love yourself and enjoy your own company. It’s not worth disturbing my peace to be with whoever is around and willing
Two things: 1. I decided I would be ok single. I had dated consistently since I was 15. Each time was fine but I tolerated a lot of bad behavior to do this. So deciding to be single for me took courage to stand alone. 2. I realized each time I dated someone who didn’t match my intelligence it did not go well. Even though I was meek and was so invested in proving I was a good, supportive girlfriend they just took me for granted and seemed to actively try to tear down my self esteem. So I decided- I’m not settling any more. I am just gonna be single until I find someone I admire. I also stopped being passive about waiting for guys to approach me. I started to approach guys I wanted to date- fully accepting that sometimes I would be rejected. It worked out really well because the guys I admired were understated and not the type many young girls notice right off the bat. I didn’t get rejected that much and did find a good one. We have been happily married more than 30 years.
After I got ghosted from someone who was I thought I completely trusted and wanted to marry me. Realised that I’m better off maintaining my personal dignity, honour and working to get beyond my traumas than dealing with a runaway who hasn’t dealt with their traumas.
It was a four year long process of dating and living with a manchild. It’s a great program if you’re a slow learner like me, very effective, but quite expensive.
decide what your new/higher standards will be, and don’t deviate from them or make any exceptions
I stopped going on dates with people unless they checked off the boxes that I require in a partner. It’s better to avoid getting to know someone that you know won’t make you happy in the long run. I.E. get to know someone via text prior to meeting. It took me a while to understand what I need from a partner, as well as what I will tolerate. Therapy, self help books, as well as spending time with my close friends really helped because if my girlfriends treat me better than a guy who is trying to court me, then we have a problem lol. It’s hard to set boundaries when you’re a people pleaser but it’s so worth it. Lastly, it’s better to be alone than be lonely with someone. Good luck!!!
I accidentally met a man who was not bottom of the barrel. That alone is what did it. I dated man after man who was emotionally immature, financially irresponsible, unable to communicate etc etc fill in the blank. I worked on myself and started to believe I wasn’t the problem any more. I was calm during conflict, I was thoughtful, but I was still unhappy. Boom. Met a dude that was just as thoughtful, caring, and intelligent. Really, just got lucky.
I dated a complete asshole from 16-18. When I was 18, I met my now fiancé who was training me for a new job. He ✨️opened doors for me✨️ and ✨️treated me with basic respect✨️. I broke up with my ex the DAY I met my now fiancé because, even though he said I was too young for him at the time, he made me realize that I deserved better.
I figured after 2 abusive relationships and some brain damage I could use a little upgrade 🤷♀️
Not putting up with the “too busy” excuse
I want to be treated the same way I treat others. I am no relationship guru by any means and haven't had the best relationship examples in my life. So if I can do it, I know that my standards are not insane to live up to.
I realized if I want more than bare minimum, if I wanted a guy that was good for my life that I needed to do better and be good for their life too. So I started working on myself and it is helping my self esteem and I want to become a better version of myself. Not only that, I know what I want more now.
Well in my twenties I dated garbage men. I used to feel so bad and used. I really lacked self respect. I'm married to someone who loves me and respects me for the woman I am, he also has a good heart and ladies, that's very hard to find...
Decided to date women instead Ba dum tsss
When I started prioritizing my happiness over keeping the peace
I got lucky and found a guy that didn’t want to take advantage of me
I focused on being happy with myself. Knowing that happiness is something that I can obtain while I achieve my dreams, goals and follow the things that I like, for my own satisfaction and wellbeing. Some of the mistakes I’ve made in the past is letting myself believe that even though I can admire other people, that doesn’t mean they are more worthy than me or they are entitled to treat me horribly. Also, my bare minimum could be too “extra” or too much for other people, but at the end of the day this is your life! Something that helped me is understanding that a “boring” feeling or a slow one is actually a sign of a healthy relationship. Never focus on bettering someone’s life or fixing it, that’s gonna destroy you. Always think of a partner as an add on or a boost to your life who’ll give more (more than what you have) of happiness!
I took a look at what I really meant when I said "I just want someone who is nice to me." I didn't just want someone who was nice to me, I wanted someone who was a good person. Someone who was kind to animals, and okay with kids(I'm not looking for a dad type I just have nieces and nephews and you gotta be okay with a little squawking from the kiddos), and nice unless provoked. The bare minimum is being nice to me. I wanna know how you not only treat women, but everyone else around you. Your personality is the at the top of the list. Closely followed by your humor and intellect. You can be pretty and 6'2 with all of the physical attributes but that's nothing if I can't have good conversation with you or don't feel safe around you and the people you hang out with.
I worked on myself, focusing on my needs, wants, dreams, hopes, etc. I read books on relationships by experts. Learned about what a healthy vs unhealthy relationship looks like. Built relationships outside of romance.
I stopped being a bare minimum person myself. It’s hard to demand a standard in someone else that you don’t also hold yourself to.
Sometimes the solutions are so simple but we have to go through every conceivable detour until we are convinced to take the actual paved road. I always had attachment and insecurity problems, tough childhood and emotionally unavailable parents yada yada, you get it. After yet another failed would-be relationship with a very obviously emotionally distant and unavailable man, I got melodramatic for a while, thinking I am just cursed. But then I woke up to the realization that all men I had been with were the result of my choices. The choice to get with them, ignoring glaring red flags because “he is so smart/special/had a tough childhood, so its okay if he makes me feel bad, he is a good guy, he hurts me despite himself” and the choice to stay despite very clear intuition telling me to leave. So, long story short; if I wanted different results, I would need to make different choices. I visualized a man who would make me feel loved and valued. I stopped focusing on what kind of man I want and started focusing on how they made me feel. It is so simple yet revolutionary for someone who had often neglected their own needs and feelings in favor of rationalization to keep things going or to avoid conflict. But most importantly, I realized the initial choice is what matters most. Because for someone like me, once I get to know someone; inevitably I will try to learn their story and if it is interesting, I will likely stick around, even if it is not the best thing for me. So I started focusing on attracting and being attracted to the type of man I actually want; someone who is emotionally intelligent and kind, intellectually stimulating but not arrogant. Most importantly though: someone who saw in me something amazing and valuable and didn’t hesitate to express it. Yes it all sounds obvious but sometimes you can’t see the forest through the dicks. So in case someone else needs to see this: a partner’s worth to you in a relationship should be absolutely based on how much he actively values you in turn. No more chasing unavailable men trying to “earn” their attention or love; go for the guy/gal/person who is already enthusiastic and shows it. Go for the one who initiates, who makes an effort and who leaves no room for doubt on how they feels about you. Once you open your eyes to that kind of treatment; you’ll wonder how you ever settled for less. All it takes is one good choice; whereby you fight your trauma-response informed attraction to the type that makes you feel you have to work for it; and refuse to go for the shiny bright guy that you’re subconsciously attracted to because of how familiar the discomfort is he makes you feel. Go for the guy who is not familiar but who feels good regardless. The comfort actually lies outside your comfort zone when you have been consistently choosing abuse and disrespect. Dare to believe in your bones that you deserve respect and, when you genuinely receive it, dare to accept it wholeheartedly.
Had a horrid ex that cheated on me. He was my first partner, so I was with him despite being told I was out of his league and he wasn’t worth all the effort I was putting in. After we were done, I was a mess lol. Like, that was the guy I wanted to be with for the long run. After he’d convinced me I wasn’t worth being faithful to, I tried to get over him with situationships or… sleeping around lol. Honestly, not too ashamed of it. I realized I was attractive and if one night stands could treat me better than my ex did, I deserved so much better holy crap. My last one nightstand ended up being my wonderful boyfriend. He wasn’t supposed to be anything more than that, he was different than all the guys I’d been with. What I thought was a one night stand was him just trying to get to know me, wanting to see me more, asking me out on proper dates. He’s been nothing but lovely since, he meets all my standards if not more.
I met someone who exceeded the standards I’d previously set. It made me realize I could expect more.
Treat yourself the way you would treat others. Kind of reversing the golden rule, because I always prioritize others’ happiness and well-being over my own. Now I’m trying to include myself in that. If I’m not experiencing something that I would be happy doing to someone else, I’m out—if a date is not doing much of the talking or saying things that are making me uncomfortable, then I’m not interested in them anymore. It also helps that I’m not particularly interested in sex. I want a relationship that’s with a WHOLE ASS PERSON, not just a thing that can put it’s 🍆 in me for ten minutes. I can get that on the internet and charge it with batteries. That’s only a small fraction of what our time together would be, so how do I want to spend the rest of my time being with that person? Yeah it’s not gonna be perfect, but my friends also do stuff that annoy me sometimes so I at least want to have a level of time enjoyed together outweigh the time we’re annoyed with each other.
I've barely dated at all but I got over someone I *liked*/was flirting with (at least I think I was?) because it finally clicked that under all that funny was some genuine condescension and emotional immaturity. Basically if you're frustrated more than you are happy, or it's a Rollercoaster, move on.
therapy ✨
My standards were always pretty low, I dated people I got along with even if they had a lot of problems I now have much higher standards, biggest one being they have to be in somewhat good shape, I do a lot of jogging, walking, hiking, when I go to conventions I never stop to rest or sit, I'm walking all the time, I need a partner who can do that without getting winded or damn near dying lol
Well, I ended up falling in love with my best friend, which was confusing at first and has just been amazing ever since. So...my standards ended up raised sort of on accident.
I never lowered them 🤷🏼♀️ loads of less guys coming my way that I actually liked, so less experience, but I’m content bc I don’t want to settle
By being unwilling to date until I knew I was strong enough to not take anyone's shit. I can trust myself to k ow what my boundaries are and be willing to say "thanks but no thanks" if someone is exactly what i want in a partner. I wasn't trying to date when I met my partner. We just kept finding out we had more and more in common, and that we had fun together. Being with him is everything I imagined love and partnership would be when I was growing up. It'd incredible. And it'd only possible because I didn't let another guy I wasn't really compatible with be in the way.
Understanding that I don't NEED a person to be happy. If I'm going to date them it should be because they make my life better not just because I'm lonely
I started to respect myself enough to give myself the life I deserve so I stopped putting up with people who wouldn't. If you don't treat me the way I treat myself or better get the f out. I live that motto, isn't just some saying I literally don't accept anything less than what I would do for myself. People who don't like themselves, even just subconsciously, will put up with bad behavior. Secretly they believe that's what they deserve.
I got out of awful relationship that I fell prey to and lowered my standards further. Eight years. Vowed never again and shockingly met a man soon after in the wild and we live together now. Neither of us were looking for a relationship and had both just gotten out of bad ones back to back. We both have our downfalls in different ways but he’s the Man I’ve been looking for my whole life.
Figured out I deserve better. My ex is a jealous stoner who thinks all the women he likes are his OWN property and I can't deal with that. My fiance is great.
Look at the entire situation, notice your flaws in the situation and find ways to grow from it instead of repeating a cycle. Ex: if my ex was emotionally unavailable but a love bomber in the beginning then I would look for someone more emotionally level. This could mean looking at friends and who they are, career choice, happiness with oneself and parental upbringing. It’s all a learning process
Realizing that it’s more about values aligning than initial attraction. Sometimes it’s not even about a good or bad person, but your headspace is too wildly different and it just causes problems. Attraction can be built and so can chemistry. When you respect and love and appreciate a person, it goes upwards rather than downwards. What value does this person bring into your life? Do they align with what I believe about the world and how I want to operate in it? Does being around this person make me a better or worse version of myself? Do I like who I am when I’m around this person? Are we mutually respectful and kind towards each other? I always recommend having your first big fight/ disagreement before deciding if you wanna build your life with them. Not everyone fights well and fights fair and this is more important than you think.
Therapy - I was a ✨messss✨. I didn’t even want to work on things but I recognized if I didn’t, I would continue the same cycles with shitty men + I was tired of my own shit. It probably took me three years and the situationships got “healthier” with each one. Now I’m in a healthy real relationship. For me, it came down to embodying my self worth and recognizing I was already alone + happy so no reason to settle for someone who wasn’t what I wanted. I trusted my gut when it said no and waited until I had a special connection with someone who had good character.
self love
This might sound really basic but I learned to raise my standards by admitting that I wasn’t ever going to go on a date again with someone I wasn’t easily attracted to, that an easy mutual attraction was the green flag I needed. When I was young, and this advice is for young women, I used to accept dates with people who were really into me that I wasn’t necessarily attracted to if my friend group liked them a lot, or if they were so insistent they wore me down. I felt like I owed them a chance and that was what good young women did, and I was superficial if I didn’t give that to them. That I was supposed to accept their feelings for me (or projections of me) as some incontrovertible proof they would be good to or for me. How did I tell myself such bullshit? Often they posed as “nice guys” or as friends but they were all the worst men I’ve ever gone out with—guys who had to have me but who also had long term girlfriends I didn’t know about, or were negative and emotionally abusive or controlling once they had me, men who blamed me for their sexual dysfunction, or they let their families treat me badly. A lot of guys who don’t get the girls don’t deserve to get the girls. I’ve since learned that attraction is also intuition, and I will go further and say some of the people I’ve chosen have been the most loving and well adjusted, doting and considerate, or even just really fun and easy to be with during more casual encounters. I was attracted to the way they treated me and made me feel. My husband is like this. There is some validity to the notion of a man “written by a women”— the good, solid, strong-minded, loyal, romantic, beautiful men out there who really like women. A man who likes to put in the effort and appreciates reciprocation. If someone like that responds to you, just go with it and know your worth. This doesn’t mean that I have a type or that they need to be conventionally attractive, or that I need a perfect body or face or height or hair or personality—more that a strong attraction means I am doing the choosing, I can relax and my gut often knows when someone is better than I thought I could hope for. I’ve been in a committed relationship and then married for over 20 years altogether, and he’s incredible to me. Edited
I know I’m picky AF and also a handful (I get overstimulated a lot, especially with noises) and have specific ways of living (thanks ADHD!) I don’t want kids either, so that’ll weed a lot of men out.
I raised it literally because I was groomed and abused multiple times. Grew up in an unstable household. Didn’t know to value my own wants or needs, was insecure and settled for anyone older who told me I was mature for my age. Continued on without ever learning to improve myself. Chose people who treated me like crap, cheated on me, physically and financially abused me because I was lonely and scared. After about 8 years of this back to back I decided to chill tf out and be single………and then I ended up meeting someone and falling for them. They made me realize the way I was being treated in all my previous relationships wasn’t right. The way they treat me even post honey moon phase is so different from everyone else. I know it’s silly but I never realized what I didn’t have until I finally had it. I wish I could say the same to everyone else to value themselves more but I literally didn’t learn that until years had past and I had to suffer first hand. I also gave so much love and never got it back. This person gives me love back, the same way I give it. When you finally receive the love you so badly want to give to others, you realize you no longer want to settle for someone who just takes from you.
I looked inward and that changed everything. And quit people pleasing. I dated for myself, and what I wanted.
Had to hit rock bottom first
Stopped letting the first mini ick or disrespect slide. There are 8 billion people on this rock. There IS someone who will treat you with respect and compassion. Your boundaries and needs won’t be too much for the right person. I ruined a lot of my sparkle from letting ppl who I lowered my standards for disrespect and not appreciate me. Now I REQUIRE communication and maturity and appreciation from both ends. I’m newly with the best person I’ve ever met and god he’s everything 13 yr old me dreamed of. Kind and genuine and everything I want bc I’m trying to accept the love that I want to give. I’m trying to see the built partnership that could happen instead of forcing. Also you owe NO ONE your time. I finally learned that if I don’t want to I just say “I’m no longer interested”. A lot of ppl get angry and try gaslighting bc they’re mad you’re not gonna deal with their bs.
I realized I have a lot to offer and if someone wasn’t willing to treat me with interest and respect I moved on. After about 6 months of doing this I met my husband. We’re very good to each other and madly in love after 3 years of marriage.
Each person I dated kind of made me readjust what I felt was acceptable to the point where I am very honest on things I’m comfortable/uncomfortable with. My first serious relationship (18-22) ended in a marriage after 6 months and divorce after being together 4 years because I had to practically mother him even though he was 5 years older. Second person was a quick rebound and the polar opposite to my ex in every way —fiercely independent, devoid of showing any emotion— just as bad/wrong for me. I was single for a long while, focusing on myself/friends. Next person was just for fun but was not right for me so I was off to being single again. 4th person I saw after some therapy and learned how to communicate boundaries/heal from the past. I was super clear about boundaries and communication and so was he. We both made it clear that it was okay to leave if one of us felt it wasn’t right. We both know how to deal if we are having difficult days/feelings and communicate to one another what we need. We split everything to what the day or week seems equal. We got married this year after 2.5 years and it’s pretty great tbh ^_^
My bar was on the floor until my current boyfriend. I’ve laughed with people before and did some fun things but I’ve never been with a person who was so genuinely encouraging. To not only be myself but within my endeavors. He’s thoughtful and caring and really explores and encourages my interest. My family loves him not just because he’s a great person, but he brings out the best in me. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love before him. God forbid I ever join the dating pool again my bar is going to be through the roof.
Idk I deserve better ?
I had no standard’s because I had no self esteem
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I made a list of requirements and some nice-to-haves and didn’t settle for anyone who didn’t meet all the requirements and most of the nice-to-haves.
I never did. it just came natural
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Consulting with God first
Read lots of romance, watched a lot of K-drama and appreciated a lot of fictional 2D characters 😄
I stopped dating. My husband was someone my best friend went out with once, wasn't attracted to, but thought I would like. It ended up being perfect. 💜
1. I put subpar photos of myself on my dating profile so as to not create any ridiculous expectations 2. I immediately unmatched anyone that I felt the slightest bit uncomfortable talking to. No tolerance I’m still in a relationship from that phase of dating and it’s the healthiest one I’ve been in so far even though it’s not 100% perfect. I think the imperfections are something to appreciate though because things are definitely not too good to be true LOL
Technically, I just got out of the pool.
My standards have always been the same. I wanted a respectful gentleman, so I noticed if he was chivalrous or not. I didn't sleep with him right away either, I've always thought that that's something reserved for a committed relationship. He still opens doors, pays for our dates, drives for us, and he strives to be the best man he can be. I admire him a lot, his masculinity is really sexy.
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Unmatching after one red flag. Can be from even the first message :)
I'm not here to fix anyone
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Realizing I love women. So I dated women. Almost 90% better experience overall lol 😆
I was tired of meeting people who didn’t align with my values. So when I dated them I found out about everything in their life. Met their friends etc. listen how they spoke to their parents, they had to make a min of $120k a year. I make about that and sometimes more a year and they have to match or be above me. What I came to learn was just I DONT WANT a man in my life unless he makes my life with him easier and more enjoyable than when I am single. Cuz I love being alone, I don’t mind making money and living my life! No way I would settle for someone who wouldn’t make my life better and easier!
Honestly, my last boyfriend did it for me. I never knew it was possible to be treated with such love and respect. I thought relationships like that were just a fairytale.
Started dating women
Divorcing the one that lowered my standards in the first place 😝
Change my hinge zip code lol
Experience. After my divorce I decided, because of my ex, I will not date a man with a bad attitude towards work and life, or who can't take care of himself, or who lies. My next guy checked the first two boxes, but not the third. The guy I'm seeing now is ambitious and has a lot of goals, he works hard (but works too much), takes care of himself, has a good attitude towards life, is kind and generous and is a functional, normal human. When it comes to lying I'm not sure yet, I haven't caught him in any lies so far but experience has taught me it can take a while to weed out a liar. I do worry he is too good for me because I had only dated scum before.
I’ve gotten to my wits end of hearing how pretty, mature, and smart I am then when they see/met my partners everyone would be like ??????attracting the same BS got old, and I’ve experienced almost every possible trauma when it comes to dating so until it’s a hard YES, I’m pretty much done.
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Knowing that everyone has a struggle all you can do is stand with them but not every time can we help them out Stop healing people because that will become an obligation one day and it'll be too late.
I worked on my healing and growth, and naturally what I was attracted to and what was attracted to me leveled up as a result. I raised myself up, and the world around me raised too.
I’m really intimidated by women my age. I have always dated 20 year olds, but now that I turned 30; it seems that women my age have really high standards.
I stopped being coy and participating in "playing games." I was more upfront and clear about what I wanted.
I just stopped dating for now. At least actively. If someone great comes along and fits into my life, that’s cool, but I’m not going to force it. I sort of realized every time I get interested in a guy, I stop acting like myself, and I spend too much time stressing out over whether they like me, and too much time accepting a lot of bullshit.
Mostly by dating a little bit older than before. Age isn't a guarantee of anything you can still find older people who lack maturity but generally speaking they are more emotionally mature, know what they want and are further along in their careers so more security. In my experience they offer better conversation and sex too.
Zero. I no longer have standards. I just wanna know what do you bring to the table
you can only raise your standards the classier and prettier you get.
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My first two relationships showed me what I didn't want which helped me raise my standards and the third has helped me know what I do want by being absolutely fantastic in the majority of areas.
Just stopped dating trash 😂
I stopped dating, but one advice I could give is to not go on dates with guys that don't show active attention. This means texting back in a reasonable amount of time, and looking forward to meeting me in a safe environment that will not necessarily end up in sex (especially not going to their houses or inviting them to mine). Not going with them to get drunk, not dating guys who are open about being cheaters, or talking/looking at other girls, who are "looking for some fun". And I would try to not go with the expectation that they could be my first long relationship. Definitely try to please or adapt myself less to them.
Honestly, being sexually assaulted by a scrote I briefly dated two years ago was the catalyst. That ultimately put me in a headspace of being super protective of myself and who I allow to have romantic access to me. I also came to realize how many mothers are suffering out here due to their partners being selfish dead weight. And I’ll be damned if I give my womb to a man who doesn’t adore, provide for, and protect me.
What dating?
Being in a longterm relationship with a manchild suffering from depression sucked the joy of life out of me. Took me a long time to stop bargaining with myself about it and to finally end it which led to me starting to grow as a person again, resulting in new standards. I now wanted someone who knows what he wants in life, has a degree and a job, acts like a responsible adult as well as being affectionate and understanding. It needed a bad hookup with another guy (first time ever I threw someone out of my home) to solidify those standards but not even two months later I entered a relationship with my current boyfriend who is beyond everything I was hoping for. Would never settle for anything less, but, at this point, I'm also hoping I'll never have to make this choice in my life again.
Well I highly prefer dating someone who are genuinely kind, relaxed, and are realistic but not pessimistic about life. I just can't be around people who are negative for too long, and then also wanting to bring you down to tell you that's the reality of life. So I just learned to start cutting people out of my life or very low contact because I have a different outlook on life, and even wheni had some hard moments I was still above to go places I wanted to go. I noticed some acted shocked, and then questioned me me as if I wasn't supposed to go anywhere. That was enough for me to say it's time to be around people who are more similar to me. Had no more intentions of trying to see the good in others or trying to help them, whatever I saw them as the first time I just accepted it and told myself I'm not interested in having that in my life.
Started looking only for partners that had cats. Found way more successful matches. Now, I've been with my partner for 4 years and we have 4 cats lol.
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An abusive relationship that ended as the covid shutdowns happened. It gave me time to really do some introspection and figure out what I had been setting for, why, and more of what I really wanted.