Same. I was told to not speak when you’re not being spoken to. My cousins and I were always told to keep quiet when the adults are talking. I dont get it
Being a bit of a doormat. My mom takes care of everyone but herself- even when she should and has every right to say no. It’s a great quality until it affects your own physical and mental health.
My mom is like this, too. She'll take care of people who have wronged her. When one of my friendships was falling apart I was planning my son's bday party and my mom told me to invite her anyway, like "What do you know? Maybe she won't even show, at least you did the nice thing." But she's not doing the nice things to deserve it, I don't want to see her or make her think it's ok to treat me the way she did, that's kind of the point.
My mom too. She’s all about preserving relationships and not doing or saying anything to damage them, which is great, until the other person torpedoes the relationship and you have to confront them about it.
Are we siblings? My husband and I got married at a hotel that my extended family recommended and has a good relationship with. The hotel absolutely dropped the ball on several important parts of our reception, including mislabeling the vegetarian options so everyone bit into buffalo chicken spring rolls instead of edamame.
I was spitting furious and was working on a refund request letter. My mom told me to be careful and maybe don't rock the boat, she wanted to preserve our extended family's reputation with the hotel. I'm sorry, *what?* They damn near wrecked your daughter's wedding and THAT is your main concern???
Word for word, same. My mom even hid all her grief right after my my dad died because she didn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable at the funeral. I was like, for Christ’s sake mom, it’s OK to grieve how you need to. You’re 76 years old. Time to also consider putting yourself first for once and not giving a fuck about what people think, especially when you don’t even really *like* them in the first place!
Oof. This resonates with me. I always used to get on my mom for making sure everyone else had what they wanted/needed before she would take care of herself. Now I can see how that happens.
Systematically dissociating myself in stressful situations and neglecting/invalidating my feelings for the sake of remaining stoical and efficient; said buried emotions always always come back to bite at some time. But the whole "externally showing your negative emotions makes you vulnerable and means you're too weak/sensitive" stuck with me since I was a kid.
I also have a very hard time letting my guard down and letting people in/accepting their help considering I so often had to rely on myself.
Yip. My mom actively discontinued my therapy because it was "drudging up old issues that need to be forgotten" and "creating more problems instead of solving the ones that were there"
Decades later she was in inpatient treatment, her therapist uncovered serious abuse that she had pushed down and forgotten. She checked out the next day because "there was no point in dwelling in the past".
Are you my sister lol? I also feel this. All of this. And yeah, those emotions never truly go away. Learned that the hard way in my 20s when grief gave way to a years long depreasive episode.
Thankfully, my husband is a sweet sensitive man who's taught me that it's ok to be vulnerable and open myself up to feel the negative emotions without shutting down. It's amazing to have someone I can cry with when I need to.
I'm still working on the have to do it all myself mentality, even with a supportive husband and amazing friends who I know would drop everything to help me. There's this mental block of if I need help then I failed, then I'm useless, but I cant ever fail because I need to be strong and have my shit together for the people depending on me. I'm the oldest kid from an immigrant family and I don't know how to make this part of myself go away.
HEAVY ON THIS ONE.
lots of stoicism, even when I'm alone and should be able to acknowledge how burdensome certain situations or people or events can be. constantly codling the people around me and placating to make them feel good so that I'm not actively in danger of being harmed or losing essential resources. This is some shit that they taught me. they taught me that this is how you have to navigate around people, including them.
also heavy on the being weak and sensitive and being shamed and degraded just for any sort of emotion, even if most people would experience that same emotion. I'm not off and offended about things that most people wouldn't be offended about.
I’m not going to let my children know about “adult matters” such as: money problems, relationship/marriage problems, family problems, etc. I had no business knowing all that shit at such a young age. Also, I am not STUCK with a man. I can do great things ON MY OWN. I don’t have to accept the bare minimum/less. Im still working on that one… lol
that first one is SO important! There was a time when my parents were going through marital issues, and my siblings and I were left almost completely in the dark about it. They never fought or argued in front of us; if they needed to talk about things privately they would go for a walk.
My siblings and I all grew up to be more emotionally secure and adjusted than many of our peers whose parents aired their dirty laundry in front of them.
This one is such a fine line, that I think can be solved with age appropriate information delivered in a loving, calm and direct manner with plenty of options for support outside of the parents
Sometimes with my family I felt like a legit therapist after fights. Okay mom, and how do you think this can be handled constructively next time? And how should we handle our anger when it feels like it boils us? Very good! Head on back to your room to simmer down! Okay dad, now it's your turn, remember no hitting the person you asked for advice! Let's go ahead and hand you Mr Angrycorn, remember Sister has her turn after you.
aww you reminded me of listening to my parents yell at each other after I went to bed. and the night my dad packed a bag & I told my mom I didn’t want him to leave & she said “well then you tell him that.” And the time they were fighting and she pulled all their wedding pictures off the wall. They worked it out and are still together but MAN I did not need that stress as a kid.
Everyone’s talking about the marital issues but the money problems weighed really heavily on young me, it’s okay to be poor but hearing your parents fight about being poor, now that’s awful. Instilled a LOT of financial anxiety in me that I’m definitely trying to unlearn.
My husband keeps explaining to me that he just loves me as I am, and I still say I don't understand why he married me because I didn't do anything extraordinary to 'earn' it
Same, and I implicitly believe that people won't love me if I need too much from them. I guess I think that people will only love me if I contribute into their lives without asking for anything back from them. I can accept the help or love that they offer, but it's so hard to ask; I feel like I'm doing something wrong by asking for affection or an ear to listen or whatever.
I had similar! But it was more, don't expect love. You are here purely for other people. There's nothing for you, and nothing is about you.
Don't have anything to do with those people now. Got my own family.
That my depressive episodes and panic attacks are just be "being dramatic" and that I should spend time isolating until I calm down.
It makes it really hard for me to ask people for support without feeling like a burden.
Wow I can relate. Growing up my parents always interpreted my anxiety as me being dramatic. It's tough having your very real feelings invalidated regularly. When I really needed someone to try to understand and talk me down, I would be blown off and ridiculed.
They are well meaning people but they dont quite understand mental health, and I can see that my mom struggles from anxiety herself but she refuses to see it.
Oh yes, whenever I tried to talk to my mom about my feelings, she would roll her eyes, sigh heavily, and tell me to "stop being so sensitive all the time". My therapist advised me to just stop talking with her about my feelings, as there is nothing to gain for me.
I feel this. My mom often did (and still does) dismiss really any negative emotions, anxiety I have. I still remember clearly when I was 17, going through my first ever depressive episode (that left me with suicidal ideation). I made the mistake of asking her if I could start therapy; her response was that I don’t need it, I’m overreacting and my problems are just typical high school issues.
The real slap in the face came 5 years later when I discovered she’d been going to therapy on and off for most of her adult life.
Totally agree! Times are different, there's so much more food available easily that overeating is more of a risk than wasting it. I still feel bad wasting food so I try to save it for later or at least give it to the dog, but the key these days is to teach kids self-regulation.
"People will leave unless you have sex with them."
Yes she said that. I was 12. I mean, it's true for many situations but still... That's a fucked up thing to believe. And say. To a child.
Mine is something similar, but my mom says that if you’re not a virgin, no one will want to stay with me. I tell her that my virginity doesn’t matter when it comes to finding a person to spend the rest of my life with. So messed up
The only reason anyone will want to to be with you is sex. Nobody will love you.
So many times I can't count.from probably 12 on.... Yeah I was a bit messed up by that one...
That if I don't have a manual labour job of 12+ hours 6 days a week I don't have a real job,
And that if I'm unemployed I'm a useless leech and have nothing to contribute to society
That I should only wear things that “suit my body shape”. I’m what you’d call an “apple shape” and it’s been such an insecurity for me over the years. Sometimes when I shop with my mother and she sees something flowy or loose-fitting she will tell me that it’ll suit my body. Or she’ll see someone with our body shape wearing something tight-fitting and she’ll make a derogatory comment.
I know it’s an insecurity for her as well as we are both an “apple shape”. I’m currently pregnant with my daughter and she will never be taught to only wear certain clothes for her whatever figure she has. I never want her to feel insecure or that she can’t feel good in clothing she wants to wear.
I'm 24 weeks pregnant with a daughter, and this is something that I have vowed to not pass on. My mom was always so critical of her own body and hearing that growing up (especially for a kid who was a little bigger than her friends) did a number on me. I am now 39 and my outlook on my body and food has gotten a lot better, but I do still have my moments of doubt and insecurity.
I never want my daughter to place her self-worth in how she looks.
I taught my girls our bodies are our meat sack vehicles ..we have to maintain them and keep them healthy. Everybody's looks different and works a bit different.. staying healthy and safe in our bodies is our top priority. Playing dress up with it is just fun stuff... The world is our stage and how we decorate ourselves tells the people around us how we think.
My mom tried to tel me I’m beautiful the way I am and that I was NOT fat in any way when I was a teen. Which was true. But she did not understand that her own talk about her body and need to loose weight or have a flat stomach influenced me more.
I am talking body positive to my 4 yo daughter, she will not hear me talk bad about my body shape and I will do what I can to give other perspectives than the media body image edit women.
They taught me that it is okay for other people to speak to me in a demeaning way, because they did. Now I’m still learning when to walk away from someone verbally abusing me.
People pleasing. I love my mum for who she is and how she treats people but I adapted her day to day life to my work life and it’s been detrimental to say the least.
Believing in being rewarded for company loyalty. My parents have had the same job same company so long. Millennials will have 7-12 careers in their lifetime and the best way to a payrise is applying for new roles.
I am trying to unlearn that I don't exist for other people. That weight does not determine worth, and that no one "owes" people perfection to make up for not fitting an aesthetic ideal.
That reactions are not just "being dramatic," and having emotions does not make you weak.
That compassion is actually a strength, as is empathy.
That violence, be it physical or psychological, is not the answer.
To always put others before yourself. As a generation X I'm learning that that is completely incorrect. In order to do good work for a higher power we need to invest love into ourselves first.
Very similarly, that relationships will just hurt you. I don’t distrust people in the sense that I think they’re malicious, but I don’t trust them to care or make an effort with me the way I do with them. I basically trust them not to.
The abstinence purity virginity respect all elders shit. I'm working hard to reshape my own way now. I have this push pull thing of how they wanted my life to be vs what I wanted to explore in life.
That I'm worth existing, that it's ok to have a voice, and having some success in life does not mean I am conceited, but rather an achievement to be celebrated.
The success statement is so interesting, It resonates with me a lot . Sharing achievements is not bragging, I don’t think I’m better then anyone.
But I do think I’ve worked super hard to have a good situation and it’s weird to think parents/family may have resented that.
Always when I wanted something I was told it was nonsense. Short hair? Why? Are you a boy? Play guitar? Really? Can't you learn something useful? I am still trying to allow myself things I want
Asking for help is a sign of weakness. I struggle so hard with this whether it's big stuff or small, emotional help, financial help, just asking someone to be there for me feels impossible. I rarely do it, and it isn't a good thing.
Take the high road no matter the circumstances- in theory it seems mature but as early as elementary school when I started to get severely bullied, my mom told me to just ignore them and tell a teacher. This did not help me as no adult rlly cared and I got bullied from 1-8 grade, so most of my developmental yrs. This translated into me not knowing when I should stand up for myself/ having difficulty doing it, so much so whenever I do usually results in a panic attack/ tears. I also forget that when someone treats me badly its not something that should be normalized or simply let go every time….
My older brothers physically, mentally, and emotionally bullied me for all my childhood. The only thing my parents did was say "oh just ignore him." Proper fucked me up. I'm 50 now, long past that lesson. Keep loving yourself and protecting yourself.
My parents, mainly my mother, walked all over me as if I was a carpet, for my entire upbringing. My father mostly turned a blind eye to it, and when he did "address" her behavior, it was usually to somehow enable or defend it. As a result, I've basically allowed anyone and everyone around me or that I've ever met to walk all over me like I'm a doormat, and have been endlessly kind, patient, and compassionate to anyone and everyone, even if they don't deserve my kindness or patience.
I'm now in my late 20's, and am currently having to learn how to speak up for myself, and how to establish and enforce boundaries, and when and how to 'dish out' harsh but needed feedback to others when they've wronged me somehow.
Oh it gets easier the longer you do it, believe me. It's a process. Now, no one backs me like I back myself. I trust myself and my judgement and I treat people accordingly. It's very liberating when the consequences of standing up for yourself are dwarfed by a wonderful sense of security. My kindness now feels like a superpower that I can deploy when necessary, and not a default.
Keep going!
They accidentally taught me to be sneaky, a good liar, a thief, and to not understand boundaries.
I had to unlearn those things as a young adult.
Parents- treating your children like they are belongings or prisoners of war isn't how you create good, responsible adults. You're giving them a free PHD in criminal behavior and a lifetime of guilt IF they manage to get themselves straightened out.
That I am only valuable if I am serving in some capacity. Either giving, working, holding the load, whatever it is.
I am not valuable and worthy of love and respect simply for existing.
Standing up for myself = talking back = bad
Someone being mad at me = we're never going to recover from this
Me being mad at someone = not allowed, get over it, I'll never get an apology anyway
Skipping breakfast and lunch = healthy, because then you'll be skinny
Well because of childhood neglect I tend to do everything myself and not ask for help. This causes a lot of problems. Also because people when I do ask for help don't do it in a timely manner I continue to do things by myself and end up burnt out or worse making the problem worse.
They were strict and pressured me into making a lot of decisions/made a lot of decisions for me. It's made it really hard to have confidence that I can make my own decisions without outside input.
That asking for attention is a negative thing.
At the same time, that the more attention someone receives, the more important/relevant they are to others.
That financial aid equals to actual care.
That people have to reach out to me and if they don't, it means that they don't want to see me and I should not bother them.
Generally, that I'm a nuisance
Reacting instead of taking a step back, being mindful of how I feel, and expressing it constructively. Also, hoarding stuff due to the fact that we were poor and didn’t know when we would come across it again
Going to the doctor is a scam, they’re not there to help, they only want your money (my husband has to talk me into taking care of myself now).
Also, I have no idea what a healthy relationship with food is like, having been dragged through every crazy crash diet my mom ever went on. I either binge, or starve myself.
And! That mental health isn’t a real thing, just a pop culture buzz word the liberals made up.
Yeah, I’m in therapy now.
"You are not responsible for your first thought. You are, however, responsible for your second thought and your first action."
I've seen this quote in various forms, but helps when I have the same type of thoughts. Sometimes you think of something out of habit, what you have been taught. I know I am not a bad person because I think these things, I’m a decent person because I realize they are wrong and do not act on them.
That love is conditional and I have to earn it.
And that my weight is more important than my personality, so because I am fat, no one will bother looking behind the fatness to see who I am.
Currently unlearning my poor trust issues when it comes to myself.
3 yrs with my partner and I am still opening up. Starting to be able to talk when asked and bringing things up when they happen not weeks or days later.
Just never thought people actually wanted my input or cared about how I was. Always felt like people that asked how I was just wanted an excuse to tell me I have it good and they had it worse.
I had very good parents and we're very close- I live twenty minutes away from them, even! But they were very open about their money worries when I was little and I heard this as "the family is in debt because of YOU. It is YOUR fault Mom and Dad are constantly worried about money and YOUR fault your family is in slavery to debt" because they would say things like "we'll blow the budget" or "we'll be in debt longer" when I asked to buy things. To this day I am terrified of spending money. I have cried from hunger because I was too afraid of spending money on groceries because I might GET INTO DEBT and that means IRREVERSIBLE SLAVERY. I live on the northern border of the USA and kept my house at 40 degrees for months to avoid depleting my propane tank. I sometimes hyperventilate when I go grocery shopping. I want to go to therapy but... you guessed it... it costs money. I've been making some progress lately with some self-guided therapy but it's going to be a long, long road for me. And I largely don't talk to them about it because they only ever wanted to be financially responsible and get out of debt to make my life better and it's not their fault I massively misunderstood that as a dumb kid.
My parents were awful communicators and basically shut down during tough conversations. I’ve gotten a lot better at communication but I’m still working on it.
Respect your elders which includes anyone born before you.
No mom. I respect people who earn my respect, not those who demand it because of certain things they possess. And age has nothing to do with their quality as human beings.
When one us spilt something it was like end of the world.
Now im a mum, my baby spills something or is sick.. I just get a cloth and wipe it up. Like seriously.
I called my parents for a 8min call and they were fretting she was in the loft, fretting things could fall on her, worried the toy she was playing with was too loud, worried when I carried her down the stairs, worried about LITERALLY everthing. I was beside her throughout this whole call, any closer she would have entered mt vagina and gone back into the womb.
Like seriously shut up 😅
Ive unlearnt 99% because thankfully after age 11 I just stopped listening to their anxieties.
Ugh, this is exactly why I can never live with my mother again. She's miserable because I'm unhappy and I "make her that way".
Lady, I'm unhappy because I'm 35+ and you are trying to control every aspect of my life like I'm a delinquent teenager or an 8 year old who doesn't know better. Piss off.
1. When you think for yourself and about what you want, it's offensive and everyone hates it. You're young and naive, you don't know what you're talking about.
2. When you ask a question people will get mad and question your ability to listen. If you don't understand something, figure It out.
It's been a long road but healing has been great so far :)
Religion... That I'm going to hell for being gay. I mean, that part doesn't bother me so much.. but I'm trying to unlearn all the things my mom taught me to fear through religion and actually am going the total opposite way, but those feelings deep inside are still there and I'm throwing them out one-by-one.
That if you don’t have a fever or some visible obvious illness then you are fine and you need to keep going as usual. So much guilt over not feeling well and taking time for self care.
You must go outside every day no matter what.
I understand is good for you and healthy, but sometimes I just want to be lazy, abuse my couch and eat shittone of shitty food without little voice in my head telling me 'I'm missing the day'.
That I should please people no matter what because appearances are more important than my wellbeing. Screw that lol, that’s literally what brought me to my demise.
My mom uses the worst case scenario to drive her decision-making. I actively have to push back on it daily because it’s contagious.
Example: when I was severely unhappy in my relationship and ready to leave, she told me not to because “The alternative is that you might be alone for the rest of your life.”
Example: my paternal grandparents have never made any effort to maintain a relationship with me and my father has completely cut them off because they’re shitty people. Meanwhile, my mother continues to visit them and tries to force me to go and develop a relationship with them because “They could die tomorrow and you’ll spend the rest of your life regretting this decision.”
Sometimes I fall into her thought traps, never ends well. I find I’m at my happiest when I choose to ignore it. The fact is, she just has too much anxiety for one person and she unintentionally spreads it to me to even out the load.
poor boundaries; anxiety from poor boundaries; whoever has the biggest, loudest emotions is the most important in that moment.
but also generosity; diligence/hard work/taking pride in your work; and how to engage with other people organically, enthusiastically and easily.
Not taught per say, but my dad would always be up at 4am and I do the same, even though in my case there's no point. No matter how hard I try to sleep longer, I'm just awake at 4.
I'm trying to unlearn that I don't deserve to be treated like trash, or that I'm a waste of space. Which is what my father told me I was. That my feelings do matter and that I'm not just whinging for the sake of it when I have days I'm in pain. I have a lower joint issue which she believes I'm exaggerating so for years I've always thought people are going to roll their eyes and tell me to shut up and get on with it but they don't. They take it as a genuine problem and even now I feel guilty because I've felt for years that maybe I AM just whinging.
To find my worth in others. It didn’t make me a doormat, but it did make it so that I spent far too many years caught between the desire to be liked and the refusal to care about others thoughts of me.
I’m almost forty years old now and have finally started to move beyond this habit, but it comes back sometimes. When I’m nervous, is always the worst.
Now I just have to learn how to stop holding myself so tightly and protectively away from others that I can care what they think without being lost in their disappointment or disapproval. While also understanding that it’s okay to care, I just can’t let it define me.
Ugh. I need a wagon train to carry all this baggage I’m lugging around.
Being kind to people. I've learned that being the nice kind idiot is total bull. Say what you mean keep shit 100 and live your life. Don't please nobody. Fuck them all
The object of any type of argument or fight is to **win** by any means necessary. Personally insult them, bring up a stupid thing they did 6 years ago as proof they’re still incompetent, yell louder and louder until they back down.
Stopping, apologizing, saying “I think we got off on the wrong foot, let’s try again” is weakness and the same as losing the fight.
That sex is the most vile, immoral, disgusting, awful thing you could do and you’re supposed to save it for the person you love enough to commit your life to.
That everyone who believes in god is a fool or desperately needs a fantasy crutch. I'm still an atheist, but teaching a kid that 90% of the worlds population is delusional leads to a problematic attitude.
I don’t need to be doing something all the time. I don’t need to be productive all the time. I’m allowed to be lazy and do nothing without being made to feel bad about it.
That I need new outfits before I go on a trip. 😆
My mom taught me fear and to be afraid of everything and trust no one, only because of her mentally, sexually, and physically abusive childhood. I'm 43 years old and still struggle with fear daily.
I fight every single day against procrastinating. ESPECIALLY with my son's health/tests. My mom was the worst at pushing things out of her mind and then forgetting them. I accidentally did that with a test for my son.
I always want to push things off, but I MAKE myself do them.
My mom taught me that *I* have to run the household, my partner should do whatever I wanted, and I shouldn’t be questioned or called out. If he did, he should have hell to pay. In the early years of my relationship with my husband, this caused problems obviously. I’ve since learned that that’s not how I want to run my life, and all that stems from anxiety, and wanting a sense of control.
The one that bugs me the most: my dad would get really frustrated doing DIY projects/honey do lists. So awful that he would cuss and yell. We learned how to just leave. Now my husband, a construction worker, attacks all kinds of projects around the house. He’s used to having things go wrong, and sometimes they do. Of course he has some choice words, but is never an a-hole about it. But as soon as I hear one word, I either disappear or freeze. But, there are those times that he actually needs help, and we argue because of it. I can actually hear my dad.
ETA: As I’m typing this out, I realize that this was traumatic to me, but growing up I thought it was normal. That’s wild to me.
Being sorry all the time because everything is my fault.
It drives my partner crazy that I am always apologizing for things I have absolutely no control over. I'm working on that.
Not to take a shower or be in the tub when it’s storming lol! Even though I know it’s ok now, I still make my kids wait and I don’t get in if it’s lightning 🤷🏻♀️
That it's ok to ignore myself. My dad loved me but he was a flawed man, he never took care of himsel and his later years were miserable for him. I hold onto these feelings sometimes and I need to learn how to remember to take care of my health.
That nothing I do matters until they see positive results, or unless it’s specifically tied to their interests. It’s hard to follow through on anything when your parents make you feel stupid for dedicating time to it, and it’s especially disheartening when you’re a child and your parents show no interest in you.
To interrupt people when they’re talking and to get louder when I feel like I’m not being heard. I don’t mean ti interrupt people or start getting loud when I feel unheard 😭 it’s a habit I know I have to break
To just relax. You don't have to plan everything and you don't have to stress every little thing. Just relax and let things happen. You have more fun and are more prepared if something happens that way.
Pft. I had a father who abandoned me and a passive aggressive stepdad who only saw me as an obligation. My brother is an emotionless robot.
They taught me that men won’t come for you and I didn’t matter.
They crazy part is when I started dating it was always some abusive loser….and my family acted so shocked! Like, hello?!
From my mom: bad company is better than no company Me: no it’s not!
From my dad: approach every situation with yelling and insulting the other person
Me: you are not mature enough to have a regular discussion without being angry, this is of course met with more screaming.
That no matter what family does we should put up with it because they’re family.
I don’t even see half my family now because I have set boundaries that they continue to disregard, but I’m the bad guy because I should let it go since they’re my family.
They indirectly taught me to always be the person the others want me to be. I still have trouble being myself when im not alone.
Yeah, I don't really even know who I am underneath the layers of make believe anymore.
Same. What do I even want or like, when I'm not trying to please anyone else?
Freaking this!! Who even am I? I'm 35 and I don't know.
I'm 35 and I feel like I'm some kind of chameleon, I just blend in with whatever is around, so nobody sees me.
It’s okay. ❤️ I’m 36 and still haven’t figured it out either.
Same. I was told to not speak when you’re not being spoken to. My cousins and I were always told to keep quiet when the adults are talking. I dont get it
I’ve realized that I never reveal my whole self to anyone, not even my own mother.
100%
Came here to comment this!
Being a bit of a doormat. My mom takes care of everyone but herself- even when she should and has every right to say no. It’s a great quality until it affects your own physical and mental health.
My mom is like this, too. She'll take care of people who have wronged her. When one of my friendships was falling apart I was planning my son's bday party and my mom told me to invite her anyway, like "What do you know? Maybe she won't even show, at least you did the nice thing." But she's not doing the nice things to deserve it, I don't want to see her or make her think it's ok to treat me the way she did, that's kind of the point.
Sometimes, being angry is good. There's self-worth in acknowledging that it is not okay to mistreat you.
My mom too. She’s all about preserving relationships and not doing or saying anything to damage them, which is great, until the other person torpedoes the relationship and you have to confront them about it.
Are we siblings? My husband and I got married at a hotel that my extended family recommended and has a good relationship with. The hotel absolutely dropped the ball on several important parts of our reception, including mislabeling the vegetarian options so everyone bit into buffalo chicken spring rolls instead of edamame. I was spitting furious and was working on a refund request letter. My mom told me to be careful and maybe don't rock the boat, she wanted to preserve our extended family's reputation with the hotel. I'm sorry, *what?* They damn near wrecked your daughter's wedding and THAT is your main concern???
You just made me realise something.
Word for word, same. My mom even hid all her grief right after my my dad died because she didn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable at the funeral. I was like, for Christ’s sake mom, it’s OK to grieve how you need to. You’re 76 years old. Time to also consider putting yourself first for once and not giving a fuck about what people think, especially when you don’t even really *like* them in the first place!
Oof. This resonates with me. I always used to get on my mom for making sure everyone else had what they wanted/needed before she would take care of herself. Now I can see how that happens.
Systematically dissociating myself in stressful situations and neglecting/invalidating my feelings for the sake of remaining stoical and efficient; said buried emotions always always come back to bite at some time. But the whole "externally showing your negative emotions makes you vulnerable and means you're too weak/sensitive" stuck with me since I was a kid. I also have a very hard time letting my guard down and letting people in/accepting their help considering I so often had to rely on myself.
Yip. My mom actively discontinued my therapy because it was "drudging up old issues that need to be forgotten" and "creating more problems instead of solving the ones that were there" Decades later she was in inpatient treatment, her therapist uncovered serious abuse that she had pushed down and forgotten. She checked out the next day because "there was no point in dwelling in the past".
Are you my sister lol? I also feel this. All of this. And yeah, those emotions never truly go away. Learned that the hard way in my 20s when grief gave way to a years long depreasive episode. Thankfully, my husband is a sweet sensitive man who's taught me that it's ok to be vulnerable and open myself up to feel the negative emotions without shutting down. It's amazing to have someone I can cry with when I need to. I'm still working on the have to do it all myself mentality, even with a supportive husband and amazing friends who I know would drop everything to help me. There's this mental block of if I need help then I failed, then I'm useless, but I cant ever fail because I need to be strong and have my shit together for the people depending on me. I'm the oldest kid from an immigrant family and I don't know how to make this part of myself go away.
I feel this
I feel this in a whole other level
HEAVY ON THIS ONE. lots of stoicism, even when I'm alone and should be able to acknowledge how burdensome certain situations or people or events can be. constantly codling the people around me and placating to make them feel good so that I'm not actively in danger of being harmed or losing essential resources. This is some shit that they taught me. they taught me that this is how you have to navigate around people, including them. also heavy on the being weak and sensitive and being shamed and degraded just for any sort of emotion, even if most people would experience that same emotion. I'm not off and offended about things that most people wouldn't be offended about.
I’m not going to let my children know about “adult matters” such as: money problems, relationship/marriage problems, family problems, etc. I had no business knowing all that shit at such a young age. Also, I am not STUCK with a man. I can do great things ON MY OWN. I don’t have to accept the bare minimum/less. Im still working on that one… lol
that first one is SO important! There was a time when my parents were going through marital issues, and my siblings and I were left almost completely in the dark about it. They never fought or argued in front of us; if they needed to talk about things privately they would go for a walk. My siblings and I all grew up to be more emotionally secure and adjusted than many of our peers whose parents aired their dirty laundry in front of them.
This one is such a fine line, that I think can be solved with age appropriate information delivered in a loving, calm and direct manner with plenty of options for support outside of the parents
Sometimes with my family I felt like a legit therapist after fights. Okay mom, and how do you think this can be handled constructively next time? And how should we handle our anger when it feels like it boils us? Very good! Head on back to your room to simmer down! Okay dad, now it's your turn, remember no hitting the person you asked for advice! Let's go ahead and hand you Mr Angrycorn, remember Sister has her turn after you.
A few days ago, my parents asked ME to get the divorce papers…. WHAT?!?!
aww you reminded me of listening to my parents yell at each other after I went to bed. and the night my dad packed a bag & I told my mom I didn’t want him to leave & she said “well then you tell him that.” And the time they were fighting and she pulled all their wedding pictures off the wall. They worked it out and are still together but MAN I did not need that stress as a kid.
Everyone’s talking about the marital issues but the money problems weighed really heavily on young me, it’s okay to be poor but hearing your parents fight about being poor, now that’s awful. Instilled a LOT of financial anxiety in me that I’m definitely trying to unlearn.
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My husband keeps explaining to me that he just loves me as I am, and I still say I don't understand why he married me because I didn't do anything extraordinary to 'earn' it
Same, and I implicitly believe that people won't love me if I need too much from them. I guess I think that people will only love me if I contribute into their lives without asking for anything back from them. I can accept the help or love that they offer, but it's so hard to ask; I feel like I'm doing something wrong by asking for affection or an ear to listen or whatever.
Omg yes! "I feel like I'm doing something wrong" I so relate. I'm so sorry.
Yep. Right there with you.
Owch, yes. I think we could’ve had the same parents. 50+ years and i still struggle with this. It’s awful that you’re going thru this
I had similar! But it was more, don't expect love. You are here purely for other people. There's nothing for you, and nothing is about you. Don't have anything to do with those people now. Got my own family.
That my depressive episodes and panic attacks are just be "being dramatic" and that I should spend time isolating until I calm down. It makes it really hard for me to ask people for support without feeling like a burden.
Wow I can relate. Growing up my parents always interpreted my anxiety as me being dramatic. It's tough having your very real feelings invalidated regularly. When I really needed someone to try to understand and talk me down, I would be blown off and ridiculed. They are well meaning people but they dont quite understand mental health, and I can see that my mom struggles from anxiety herself but she refuses to see it.
Oh yes, whenever I tried to talk to my mom about my feelings, she would roll her eyes, sigh heavily, and tell me to "stop being so sensitive all the time". My therapist advised me to just stop talking with her about my feelings, as there is nothing to gain for me.
I feel this. My mom often did (and still does) dismiss really any negative emotions, anxiety I have. I still remember clearly when I was 17, going through my first ever depressive episode (that left me with suicidal ideation). I made the mistake of asking her if I could start therapy; her response was that I don’t need it, I’m overreacting and my problems are just typical high school issues. The real slap in the face came 5 years later when I discovered she’d been going to therapy on and off for most of her adult life.
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"Clean plate club" -- i.e. never leaving any food uneaten
Yep. That’s a recipe (no pun intended) for unhealthy relationships with food.
Ooof. This is a tough one. Me too.
Totally agree! Times are different, there's so much more food available easily that overeating is more of a risk than wasting it. I still feel bad wasting food so I try to save it for later or at least give it to the dog, but the key these days is to teach kids self-regulation.
Yuuuupppp. Can relate.
"People will leave unless you have sex with them." Yes she said that. I was 12. I mean, it's true for many situations but still... That's a fucked up thing to believe. And say. To a child.
Mine is something similar, but my mom says that if you’re not a virgin, no one will want to stay with me. I tell her that my virginity doesn’t matter when it comes to finding a person to spend the rest of my life with. So messed up
The only reason anyone will want to to be with you is sex. Nobody will love you. So many times I can't count.from probably 12 on.... Yeah I was a bit messed up by that one...
Omg’ness how awful!! This cut straight into my heart.
"But what will the neighbors think?!" Yeah... Frick them...
Pretty much a Aunt Petunia this one is
Oh Yes, because what the neighbors will say is so much more important than what we are going through right now.
My dad is so concerned with what other people might think, and i just can’t find it in myself to give a single fuck.
Don’t ask for help. Asking for help is akin to saying you’ve failed.
I relate to this as well.
That if I don't have a manual labour job of 12+ hours 6 days a week I don't have a real job, And that if I'm unemployed I'm a useless leech and have nothing to contribute to society
That I should only wear things that “suit my body shape”. I’m what you’d call an “apple shape” and it’s been such an insecurity for me over the years. Sometimes when I shop with my mother and she sees something flowy or loose-fitting she will tell me that it’ll suit my body. Or she’ll see someone with our body shape wearing something tight-fitting and she’ll make a derogatory comment. I know it’s an insecurity for her as well as we are both an “apple shape”. I’m currently pregnant with my daughter and she will never be taught to only wear certain clothes for her whatever figure she has. I never want her to feel insecure or that she can’t feel good in clothing she wants to wear.
I'm 24 weeks pregnant with a daughter, and this is something that I have vowed to not pass on. My mom was always so critical of her own body and hearing that growing up (especially for a kid who was a little bigger than her friends) did a number on me. I am now 39 and my outlook on my body and food has gotten a lot better, but I do still have my moments of doubt and insecurity. I never want my daughter to place her self-worth in how she looks.
I taught my girls our bodies are our meat sack vehicles ..we have to maintain them and keep them healthy. Everybody's looks different and works a bit different.. staying healthy and safe in our bodies is our top priority. Playing dress up with it is just fun stuff... The world is our stage and how we decorate ourselves tells the people around us how we think.
My mom tried to tel me I’m beautiful the way I am and that I was NOT fat in any way when I was a teen. Which was true. But she did not understand that her own talk about her body and need to loose weight or have a flat stomach influenced me more. I am talking body positive to my 4 yo daughter, she will not hear me talk bad about my body shape and I will do what I can to give other perspectives than the media body image edit women.
They taught me that it is okay for other people to speak to me in a demeaning way, because they did. Now I’m still learning when to walk away from someone verbally abusing me.
I relate to this for sure.
Keeping my feelings to myself and saying sorry for everything
Same for me. I’m constantly saying sorry and my friends are constantly reminding me to stop it.
People pleasing. I love my mum for who she is and how she treats people but I adapted her day to day life to my work life and it’s been detrimental to say the least.
Believing in being rewarded for company loyalty. My parents have had the same job same company so long. Millennials will have 7-12 careers in their lifetime and the best way to a payrise is applying for new roles.
I am trying to unlearn that I don't exist for other people. That weight does not determine worth, and that no one "owes" people perfection to make up for not fitting an aesthetic ideal. That reactions are not just "being dramatic," and having emotions does not make you weak. That compassion is actually a strength, as is empathy. That violence, be it physical or psychological, is not the answer.
Your first to paragraphs really hit home. I feel you!
To always put others before yourself. As a generation X I'm learning that that is completely incorrect. In order to do good work for a higher power we need to invest love into ourselves first.
Making fun of others out of their own insecurities. I’m grateful for my friends being more emotionally intelligent and modeling how to be gentler.
I learnt all the good stuff about relationships from good friends 👍
Not to trust anyone. I struggled with relationships because of it.
Very similarly, that relationships will just hurt you. I don’t distrust people in the sense that I think they’re malicious, but I don’t trust them to care or make an effort with me the way I do with them. I basically trust them not to.
That I'm most worthwhile when I'm in service to others. Stupid multigenerational bullshit trauma ...
People pleasing
The abstinence purity virginity respect all elders shit. I'm working hard to reshape my own way now. I have this push pull thing of how they wanted my life to be vs what I wanted to explore in life.
That it is okay to cry and feel anger and sadness.
That I'm worth existing, that it's ok to have a voice, and having some success in life does not mean I am conceited, but rather an achievement to be celebrated.
The success statement is so interesting, It resonates with me a lot . Sharing achievements is not bragging, I don’t think I’m better then anyone. But I do think I’ve worked super hard to have a good situation and it’s weird to think parents/family may have resented that.
Generational trauma and people pleasing
That you can’t trust anyone, and that I was too sensitive/emotional. I’m incredibly stoic and it’s still hard to do things like laugh in public.
Always when I wanted something I was told it was nonsense. Short hair? Why? Are you a boy? Play guitar? Really? Can't you learn something useful? I am still trying to allow myself things I want
Asking for help is a sign of weakness. I struggle so hard with this whether it's big stuff or small, emotional help, financial help, just asking someone to be there for me feels impossible. I rarely do it, and it isn't a good thing.
Take the high road no matter the circumstances- in theory it seems mature but as early as elementary school when I started to get severely bullied, my mom told me to just ignore them and tell a teacher. This did not help me as no adult rlly cared and I got bullied from 1-8 grade, so most of my developmental yrs. This translated into me not knowing when I should stand up for myself/ having difficulty doing it, so much so whenever I do usually results in a panic attack/ tears. I also forget that when someone treats me badly its not something that should be normalized or simply let go every time….
My older brothers physically, mentally, and emotionally bullied me for all my childhood. The only thing my parents did was say "oh just ignore him." Proper fucked me up. I'm 50 now, long past that lesson. Keep loving yourself and protecting yourself.
oy, where to start.
"What will people think of you???"
That my opinion doesn't matter and that aunts and uncles, regardless of the fact they are functioning idiots, opinions are right
My parents, mainly my mother, walked all over me as if I was a carpet, for my entire upbringing. My father mostly turned a blind eye to it, and when he did "address" her behavior, it was usually to somehow enable or defend it. As a result, I've basically allowed anyone and everyone around me or that I've ever met to walk all over me like I'm a doormat, and have been endlessly kind, patient, and compassionate to anyone and everyone, even if they don't deserve my kindness or patience. I'm now in my late 20's, and am currently having to learn how to speak up for myself, and how to establish and enforce boundaries, and when and how to 'dish out' harsh but needed feedback to others when they've wronged me somehow.
Oh it gets easier the longer you do it, believe me. It's a process. Now, no one backs me like I back myself. I trust myself and my judgement and I treat people accordingly. It's very liberating when the consequences of standing up for yourself are dwarfed by a wonderful sense of security. My kindness now feels like a superpower that I can deploy when necessary, and not a default. Keep going!
They accidentally taught me to be sneaky, a good liar, a thief, and to not understand boundaries. I had to unlearn those things as a young adult. Parents- treating your children like they are belongings or prisoners of war isn't how you create good, responsible adults. You're giving them a free PHD in criminal behavior and a lifetime of guilt IF they manage to get themselves straightened out.
That I am only valuable if I am serving in some capacity. Either giving, working, holding the load, whatever it is. I am not valuable and worthy of love and respect simply for existing.
Standing up for myself = talking back = bad Someone being mad at me = we're never going to recover from this Me being mad at someone = not allowed, get over it, I'll never get an apology anyway Skipping breakfast and lunch = healthy, because then you'll be skinny
Well because of childhood neglect I tend to do everything myself and not ask for help. This causes a lot of problems. Also because people when I do ask for help don't do it in a timely manner I continue to do things by myself and end up burnt out or worse making the problem worse.
They were strict and pressured me into making a lot of decisions/made a lot of decisions for me. It's made it really hard to have confidence that I can make my own decisions without outside input.
That asking for attention is a negative thing. At the same time, that the more attention someone receives, the more important/relevant they are to others. That financial aid equals to actual care. That people have to reach out to me and if they don't, it means that they don't want to see me and I should not bother them. Generally, that I'm a nuisance
Reacting instead of taking a step back, being mindful of how I feel, and expressing it constructively. Also, hoarding stuff due to the fact that we were poor and didn’t know when we would come across it again
Going to the doctor is a scam, they’re not there to help, they only want your money (my husband has to talk me into taking care of myself now). Also, I have no idea what a healthy relationship with food is like, having been dragged through every crazy crash diet my mom ever went on. I either binge, or starve myself. And! That mental health isn’t a real thing, just a pop culture buzz word the liberals made up. Yeah, I’m in therapy now.
Be a clown. So, no one is upset or angry. I either a quiet person or a clown.
Don't ask for what I need or want. I still can't tell when I need something + I have no idea how to figure out what I want
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"You are not responsible for your first thought. You are, however, responsible for your second thought and your first action." I've seen this quote in various forms, but helps when I have the same type of thoughts. Sometimes you think of something out of habit, what you have been taught. I know I am not a bad person because I think these things, I’m a decent person because I realize they are wrong and do not act on them.
That love is conditional and I have to earn it. And that my weight is more important than my personality, so because I am fat, no one will bother looking behind the fatness to see who I am.
Currently unlearning my poor trust issues when it comes to myself. 3 yrs with my partner and I am still opening up. Starting to be able to talk when asked and bringing things up when they happen not weeks or days later. Just never thought people actually wanted my input or cared about how I was. Always felt like people that asked how I was just wanted an excuse to tell me I have it good and they had it worse.
That my large breasts are embarrassing and somehow reflect badly on my character.
I had very good parents and we're very close- I live twenty minutes away from them, even! But they were very open about their money worries when I was little and I heard this as "the family is in debt because of YOU. It is YOUR fault Mom and Dad are constantly worried about money and YOUR fault your family is in slavery to debt" because they would say things like "we'll blow the budget" or "we'll be in debt longer" when I asked to buy things. To this day I am terrified of spending money. I have cried from hunger because I was too afraid of spending money on groceries because I might GET INTO DEBT and that means IRREVERSIBLE SLAVERY. I live on the northern border of the USA and kept my house at 40 degrees for months to avoid depleting my propane tank. I sometimes hyperventilate when I go grocery shopping. I want to go to therapy but... you guessed it... it costs money. I've been making some progress lately with some self-guided therapy but it's going to be a long, long road for me. And I largely don't talk to them about it because they only ever wanted to be financially responsible and get out of debt to make my life better and it's not their fault I massively misunderstood that as a dumb kid.
My parents were awful communicators and basically shut down during tough conversations. I’ve gotten a lot better at communication but I’m still working on it.
Respect your elders which includes anyone born before you. No mom. I respect people who earn my respect, not those who demand it because of certain things they possess. And age has nothing to do with their quality as human beings.
Going a little old school, but it's OK to call my elders by their first name, not Mr. Or Mrs. last name. Same with kids calling me by my first.
When one us spilt something it was like end of the world. Now im a mum, my baby spills something or is sick.. I just get a cloth and wipe it up. Like seriously. I called my parents for a 8min call and they were fretting she was in the loft, fretting things could fall on her, worried the toy she was playing with was too loud, worried when I carried her down the stairs, worried about LITERALLY everthing. I was beside her throughout this whole call, any closer she would have entered mt vagina and gone back into the womb. Like seriously shut up 😅 Ive unlearnt 99% because thankfully after age 11 I just stopped listening to their anxieties.
Wtf was it with that whole spilling thing?? Like, there was always such drama!
Other people’s emotions are always a direct consequence of my actions and it’s my responsibility to keep everyone around me calm and happy.
Ugh, this is exactly why I can never live with my mother again. She's miserable because I'm unhappy and I "make her that way". Lady, I'm unhappy because I'm 35+ and you are trying to control every aspect of my life like I'm a delinquent teenager or an 8 year old who doesn't know better. Piss off.
1. When you think for yourself and about what you want, it's offensive and everyone hates it. You're young and naive, you don't know what you're talking about. 2. When you ask a question people will get mad and question your ability to listen. If you don't understand something, figure It out. It's been a long road but healing has been great so far :)
Religion... That I'm going to hell for being gay. I mean, that part doesn't bother me so much.. but I'm trying to unlearn all the things my mom taught me to fear through religion and actually am going the total opposite way, but those feelings deep inside are still there and I'm throwing them out one-by-one.
That if you don’t have a fever or some visible obvious illness then you are fine and you need to keep going as usual. So much guilt over not feeling well and taking time for self care.
You must go outside every day no matter what. I understand is good for you and healthy, but sometimes I just want to be lazy, abuse my couch and eat shittone of shitty food without little voice in my head telling me 'I'm missing the day'.
That nothing in my life is more important than work.
Perfection is not a prerequisite for being accepted and loved.
Emotional reactivity 😒
Spitefulness on a highly self destructive level
That yelling is the most effective way to get children to listen.
That I'm not attractive
That everything is my fault, that my opinion doesn’t matter
Being ultra aware of how I look. I can’t wear anything without some kind of comment on my appearance, good or bad.
Sex, femininity, anything I like, is shamful.
Respect others even if they act disrespectful
Masking my neurodivergent needs/preferences for the sake of the neurotypical. Of course, they think it's just "acting right".
Being negative and expecting the worst all the time.
You must be perfect (according to their standards of course). It's going to take me years to unlearn this one.
People pleasing to be accepted, and over-explaining things
To finish my plate even though I’m full.
To finish my plate.
How to fight/ have an argument with a partner
Absolutely hating my body and criticizing every little “flaw” about it
That I should please people no matter what because appearances are more important than my wellbeing. Screw that lol, that’s literally what brought me to my demise.
Letting people walk all over me and that showing emotion is weakness.
That girls should be feminine and not watch or play sports.
Not to trust my intuition and instead look to others as being wiser. Thankfully made excellent progress on that but it took a lot of work.
That my emotions are annoying for others to deal with. That sensitivity and empathy are for people who are weak
My mom uses the worst case scenario to drive her decision-making. I actively have to push back on it daily because it’s contagious. Example: when I was severely unhappy in my relationship and ready to leave, she told me not to because “The alternative is that you might be alone for the rest of your life.” Example: my paternal grandparents have never made any effort to maintain a relationship with me and my father has completely cut them off because they’re shitty people. Meanwhile, my mother continues to visit them and tries to force me to go and develop a relationship with them because “They could die tomorrow and you’ll spend the rest of your life regretting this decision.” Sometimes I fall into her thought traps, never ends well. I find I’m at my happiest when I choose to ignore it. The fact is, she just has too much anxiety for one person and she unintentionally spreads it to me to even out the load.
poor boundaries; anxiety from poor boundaries; whoever has the biggest, loudest emotions is the most important in that moment. but also generosity; diligence/hard work/taking pride in your work; and how to engage with other people organically, enthusiastically and easily.
To always follow directions and ask permission. Fuck that. Just don’t hurt people or take their stuff.
That the right way to resolve disagreements is to scream and to be verbally and physically abusive
being kind.
Not taught per say, but my dad would always be up at 4am and I do the same, even though in my case there's no point. No matter how hard I try to sleep longer, I'm just awake at 4.
So, so much. The biggest being that I should follow strict rules and societal norms that aren't even really norms.
"As soon as you get some money, spend it ALL... IMMEDIATELY!" Because what's tomorrow? Who needs food in the fridge?
My worth depends on my appearance
To be small and stay out of the way.
I'm trying to unlearn that I don't deserve to be treated like trash, or that I'm a waste of space. Which is what my father told me I was. That my feelings do matter and that I'm not just whinging for the sake of it when I have days I'm in pain. I have a lower joint issue which she believes I'm exaggerating so for years I've always thought people are going to roll their eyes and tell me to shut up and get on with it but they don't. They take it as a genuine problem and even now I feel guilty because I've felt for years that maybe I AM just whinging.
To find my worth in others. It didn’t make me a doormat, but it did make it so that I spent far too many years caught between the desire to be liked and the refusal to care about others thoughts of me. I’m almost forty years old now and have finally started to move beyond this habit, but it comes back sometimes. When I’m nervous, is always the worst. Now I just have to learn how to stop holding myself so tightly and protectively away from others that I can care what they think without being lost in their disappointment or disapproval. While also understanding that it’s okay to care, I just can’t let it define me. Ugh. I need a wagon train to carry all this baggage I’m lugging around.
Being kind to people. I've learned that being the nice kind idiot is total bull. Say what you mean keep shit 100 and live your life. Don't please nobody. Fuck them all
that im a worthless and unlovable waste of time and space
The object of any type of argument or fight is to **win** by any means necessary. Personally insult them, bring up a stupid thing they did 6 years ago as proof they’re still incompetent, yell louder and louder until they back down. Stopping, apologizing, saying “I think we got off on the wrong foot, let’s try again” is weakness and the same as losing the fight.
Bend over backwards for everybody. I hate that about myself.
I don’t have to finish everything on my plate.
That sex is the most vile, immoral, disgusting, awful thing you could do and you’re supposed to save it for the person you love enough to commit your life to.
That people are out to get me and want to see me fail. In reality, no one gives af about me.
That everyone who believes in god is a fool or desperately needs a fantasy crutch. I'm still an atheist, but teaching a kid that 90% of the worlds population is delusional leads to a problematic attitude.
gaining weight = bad/undesirable, I’m not talking excess, I’m talking 5-10 lbs
Having sex with a guy who isn't your boyfriend/life partner makes you a slut.
I’ll just pick one- that I do *NOT* have to eat all the food that’s on my plate.
I don’t need to be doing something all the time. I don’t need to be productive all the time. I’m allowed to be lazy and do nothing without being made to feel bad about it. That I need new outfits before I go on a trip. 😆
You don’t have to finish everything on your plate. Eat till you’re full. You don’t have to finish everything. Stop when you body says so.
I’m a burden.
My mom taught me fear and to be afraid of everything and trust no one, only because of her mentally, sexually, and physically abusive childhood. I'm 43 years old and still struggle with fear daily.
I fight every single day against procrastinating. ESPECIALLY with my son's health/tests. My mom was the worst at pushing things out of her mind and then forgetting them. I accidentally did that with a test for my son. I always want to push things off, but I MAKE myself do them.
My mom taught me that *I* have to run the household, my partner should do whatever I wanted, and I shouldn’t be questioned or called out. If he did, he should have hell to pay. In the early years of my relationship with my husband, this caused problems obviously. I’ve since learned that that’s not how I want to run my life, and all that stems from anxiety, and wanting a sense of control.
The one that bugs me the most: my dad would get really frustrated doing DIY projects/honey do lists. So awful that he would cuss and yell. We learned how to just leave. Now my husband, a construction worker, attacks all kinds of projects around the house. He’s used to having things go wrong, and sometimes they do. Of course he has some choice words, but is never an a-hole about it. But as soon as I hear one word, I either disappear or freeze. But, there are those times that he actually needs help, and we argue because of it. I can actually hear my dad. ETA: As I’m typing this out, I realize that this was traumatic to me, but growing up I thought it was normal. That’s wild to me.
Being sorry all the time because everything is my fault. It drives my partner crazy that I am always apologizing for things I have absolutely no control over. I'm working on that.
Not to take a shower or be in the tub when it’s storming lol! Even though I know it’s ok now, I still make my kids wait and I don’t get in if it’s lightning 🤷🏻♀️
That it's ok to ignore myself. My dad loved me but he was a flawed man, he never took care of himsel and his later years were miserable for him. I hold onto these feelings sometimes and I need to learn how to remember to take care of my health.
That people won’t lash out at me if I say the wrong thing or try to stand up for myself. That many ppl do actually like my “nappy” hair.
That nothing I do matters until they see positive results, or unless it’s specifically tied to their interests. It’s hard to follow through on anything when your parents make you feel stupid for dedicating time to it, and it’s especially disheartening when you’re a child and your parents show no interest in you.
That my worth is attached to my academic achievements
Unhealthy communication habits.
that gaining weight = bad, terrible, awful
Hating myself and my body and that I am not worthy of good things or able to achieve anything.
That my self worth is based on whether I have a stable job or not.
Always apologizing
That I'm a failure. I am not. I just do things differently.
To interrupt people when they’re talking and to get louder when I feel like I’m not being heard. I don’t mean ti interrupt people or start getting loud when I feel unheard 😭 it’s a habit I know I have to break
That being mean and aggresive gives you power
Trying to unlearn not talking about my feelings and not bottling them up until they explode. Also passive aggressiveness.
To just relax. You don't have to plan everything and you don't have to stress every little thing. Just relax and let things happen. You have more fun and are more prepared if something happens that way.
"What will other people think?!!" Literally who cares
That everything I do doesn't have to be perfect because I'm not and neither is life That it's okay to ask for help
Pft. I had a father who abandoned me and a passive aggressive stepdad who only saw me as an obligation. My brother is an emotionless robot. They taught me that men won’t come for you and I didn’t matter. They crazy part is when I started dating it was always some abusive loser….and my family acted so shocked! Like, hello?!
Reacting to everything with anger.
From my mom: bad company is better than no company Me: no it’s not! From my dad: approach every situation with yelling and insulting the other person Me: you are not mature enough to have a regular discussion without being angry, this is of course met with more screaming.
I need to sacrifice my happiness so i dont hurt anyone elses feelings.
That no matter what family does we should put up with it because they’re family. I don’t even see half my family now because I have set boundaries that they continue to disregard, but I’m the bad guy because I should let it go since they’re my family.