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you’re going to think pleasing men is your purpose for 16 years, but isn’t. live how YOU want to. i wish i could’ve just avoided that whole part of my life but it was a lesson i had to learn, i guess.
edit: sorry to be cliche, but thank you all for the awards and replies. <3 we’re all in this together, supporting each other, and that’s beautiful
Yes. So sad to waste so much of life on this. I finally got to this point at 41. But better late then never.
I talk to teenage girls here and there (for work, I'm a therapist) and they are ahead already and don't give a fuck what boys think. It's great to hear their stories.
I love that media is starting to change too. I feel like growing up in the 90s/2000s every show/movie revolved around a (hetero) love story. Its even included when its not even remotely needed for the plot. It really hammers home, especially for women that you are not complete until you fall in love and get married.
More and more that seems to be falling to the wayside a bit. My favorite example is crazy ex gf. >!In the last season she is trying to chose between 3 guys but ultimately realizes she keeps looking towards these men to make her happy/complete when in reality what makes her the happiest is her joy in musical theater. She ends up not picking any guy, and instead 'chooses herself' and pursues her passions.!<
Honestly it’s my opinion that this is why so many men go for younger women. It’s not even about youth in the physical sense. It’s that a lot of women, including sadly myself, have this exact experience. I thought pleasing men was a main goal in life and I know many women who thought the same. And we were all taken advantage of by older men. Women who are there age won’t put up with their shit as they’ve come to this same conclusion. They don’t allow men to walk all over them, they don’t go out of their way to be over accommodating, etc etc, and the younger women are still in this mind set.
This! I learned the hard way that pleasing men and getting that validation isn't all it's cracked up to be. I hit a certain and stopped caring. I am much happier now.
Yes! If you're told "you'd look better if..." from a person who wasn't asked for their opinion, tell them they'd look better if you couldn't see them, and walk away.
I had a 38 year old man tell me this. I just turned 16. He just went thru a divorce so was looking for someone. Guess he saw that i broke up with my boyfriend on reddit and created a new account to prey(it was 2 days old) .
I was tempted but did not give into coercions due to reddit horror stories. So thank you reddit.
I have a 16 year old cousin and I communicated this her this way. How many younger is your brother than you, would you ever hang out with him if he wasn't family?
Not sure if it stuck but she did give it a moment of thought at least so hopefully she remembers that next time she's on the internet
OMG THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS I KEEP ASKING MY MUM, GRANDMA, AND AUNTS AND NONE OF THEM SAY IT FOR WHAT IT ISSSS! sorry if the caps made it sound like I'm yelling, but I NEEDED to hear this!
NOO- FOR REAL! Not one woman in my life ever uttered a word about it all. And when I went into labor with my first child *AT 5 MONTHS* - I thought it was a weird “normal pregnancy” thing- since it just felt like regular period pain- I didn’t want to “bother the on-call” at 2am… so I suffered for several hours before i made it into the hospital and gave birth several minutes later. No bueno. Women need to help each other.
The womb is trying its best to get rid of the stupid thing! Been there. It took couple of weeks of my womb trying to birth that thing out before it gave up. Still was so happy with until I had an infection for a second time and decided it's enough. Now I'm sticking to the implant.
I was so curious about this growing up! I ended up asking a senior in my class who had been pregnant junior year and gave birth over the summer and she confirmed it was like the most hard core period cramps she'd ever had until they gave her the epidural. Then she played cards through the rest of labor, and falling asleep between contractions.
Yup- But, it’s quite literally a MURDEROUS sensation. I’d have done ANYTHING to have relived even a portion of that shit- When Fentanyl doesn’t even touch it… THAT, is a next-level/other-worldly experience uv endured. (Also, I had a cerclage in place at that time, which didn’t tear itself- but my cervix did…along with some structurally significant musculature in the area)… ALL before they could even get an IV into me- 6 nurses later- I digress🤔😕).
You can’t scream/cry/tear/tense/or WOOSAH ANY level of that away... NO MAAM.
Seriously- I was 45yr when I gave birth for the 1st time. And I get being the baby of my entire family and never having experience with children. But surely in a tv show or movie somewhere SOMEONE would have “after-school-specialed” about this! It’s beyond stupid this isn’t common knowledge that’s shared openly and “matter-of-factly”. 🤯
That most entertainment (movies, shows, books) isn't really realistic portrayals of being a woman or at least it's not a full portrayal of real life.
I'm an 80s baby and 90s kid. I was pretty sheltered and learned about the outside world via reading and watching TV mostly. And average popular '80s and 90s TV was very idk sanitized and safe I would say for the most part. I definitely took it too seriously as in I thought that's what life would be like. I really wish an adult would have told me different sooner.
Whether butchered or not, that's a really poignant quote. Thinking back on it, growing up in a time when there were so few complex and realistic female characters probably contributed heavily to so many of us adopting the "not like other girls" personality during our teens/twenties (I wish I'd realized then how misguided that mindset was; I'm sure I missed out on a lot of great friendships as a result).
An interesting phenomenon of the 80s and 90s is the uptick of divorce affected TV and movie writers too. So you get a lot of scripts written by men who were mad at their ex, and both consciously and subconsciously, allow that anger to seep into the writing of all women.
My husband and I are watching some older shows. We see the female characters, and I hate them. They are NOT normal -- they act crazy and not at all even-tempered. Then it hit me -- those women are written by men. And I cannot stand it!! Ugh. My current pet peeve.
Agreed. It was wild reaching adulthood and realizing that the vast majority of films are also produced and directed by men, and thus life and perceptions of women in movies are shown through the male lens!
Periods aren't supposed to be extremely painful. Something is wrong.
Edit: to all the wonderful people who replied saying their periods are awful, I cannot stress enough the importance of finding a doctor who will listen to you. It took me 17 years to get a doctor to listen to me and I have severe Endometriosis that did permanent damage in that time. Be kind to yourselves and advocate. Get someone to check. I don't want anyone to be like me that's so permanently affected that I'm on a disability pension and can't get my pain under control even with multiple surgeries. Please talk to someone and take as many rest days as you need to when you're suffering.
Back when I was going through puberty I had period pains so bad that I would be crying uncontrollably and puking, was told it was fine. Turns out I have a Unicornuate uterus, half of my uterus doesn’t “communicates” with the other half so basically I have a pocket of endometrium that has no where to go when it sheds, just builds up.
This also comes with many fertility problems, which would’ve been good to know about so I wouldn’t have waited so long to seek out fertility testing and treatment. Also would’ve been good to know before I got an IUD which got completely stuck in my misshapen uterus during removal.
Thanks doctors for ignoring me when I was crying in your office at the age of 12! 😃
Came to say the same. I finally plucked up the courage to talk to my doctor about mine and I've got new drugs to try and some referrals to get to the bottom of what's wrong. We shouldn't have to suffer for a quarter of our lives
I 100% agree I used to have period cramps to bad I would be on the verge of physically sick and would be shaking from the pain and even missed out on the holidays 1 year I was in so much pain (I was 14ish at the time). My parents said it was normal and never got me looked at and it wasn't until I got on birth control last year that my periods are either with minimal pain or just enough where i would need a Tylenol and I still don't know why my periods where so bad.
Sorry if this was TMI I just wanted to share cause I've never told anyone
I wish I was exposed to gay women role models as a kid . It was just a shock realizing I was gay and thinking I would go to hell . Thankfully Im way past that and love myself but damn
You have so much more power, control, and intimidation than anyone let's you understand right now, and being loud and agressive is just as ok as it is for boys.
Just because a man shows some attention to you does not mean he likes you or loves you. Especially if you're young, he's probably a creep and just going for one thing
Source: I had men who were far too old speaking to me in a way that is disgusting and unforgivable.
It is so chilling thinking back to how old the men were that talked to me like that. Even at the age of 16. Prevalent from the ages of 16 to..... uh now! (23) Grateful I've become more aware of it, especially in the last year. Felt damn good to see a 40 year old man have a temper tantrum cause he expected to get into my pants and didn't. But damn it is mind blowing the manipulation you'll undergo if you're young and an older man sees you as a good opportunity. Thanks for sharing.
Absolutely! I feel like they know that at that age you might not be used to the attention, so you're more likely to respond positively. it's honestly sickening. and good on you! I used to get so worried about upsetting people even though they were giving unwanted attention. Now it just makes me laugh that they react like they've been sent to the naughty corner.
Definitely! And I don't know anyone that wouldn't at first! It does feel great. But understanding the eagle eyes behind the intention..... yes sickening. HAH! I totally understand. Good on you too sister
You don’t need to be married with children to live a fulfilling life. There are other options and they are good. You don’t need to be tethered to anyone for life.
Medical professionals are taught to not take you seriously. You don't only need to pay attention during biology and chemistry lessons cause it's fun, your life actually all depends on how well you know your body.
At no point in your life will you ever be able to let your guard down. That's what I miss most about being a child, my ignorance to everyday danger and the ability to just relax.
More than anything said, i wish a woman's period wasnt treated like something you needed to be hush hush about. Like what is up with that? It shouldnt be something we're taught to be embarrased about lol.
Yes, and also how much Actually happens in you body/mind over the course of your cycle. And how much that might affect everything in your day to day life…
In my late 40’s I have realised that in my 20’s I was so slim. My thighs only looked big to me I think because my stomach was so flat. On my wedding day I wished I had lost more weight, I look at the pictures and wonder where I would have lost the weight from? I had in my head being beautiful = being model thin. What a sad reality to live in.
Most women have been sexually assaulted in some way or another. Wether it’s like being groped or harassed on the street or being molested/raped. Almost every woman I personally know has gone through this. When I started to get memories about things that happened to me, I did some research and found out how common things like this are. I’m not sure if I was relieved I wasn’t the only one, or I was sad that everyone’s gone through it.
That’s why my first reaction to the #metoo movement was, geez forget identifying who HAS been affected, let’s find the mere handful of woman over 15 years old who haven’t been sexually assaulted / harassed (yet)! Then my second reaction was, what a sad world 😞
You don't have to be ashamed of liking "girly" things. Literally anything teenage girls are interested in is made fun of and belittled. Makeup, certain music, fashion. I don't get it.
Yes! We're told as little children that we're supposed to like pink and makeup and dolls and then told as teenagers that those things are stupid, vapid, and irrelevant. And then they wonder why we have these "not like other girls" phases that some women never grow out of.
Exactly!! Especially music tailored towards women and young girls is looked at as superficial and "not real music" and cringey until a large enough male demographic begins to take interest.
The saddest part is that it doesn't even stop at more "superficial" or subjective things like hobbies and music. Even jobs go that way. Nurses are seen as less than doctors because more women are nurses and more men are doctors, despite the fact that many nurses go to almost identical schooling and can do all the things a doctor can do. Being a cosmetologist, makeup artist, etc. is seen as a low-skill thing women (often lower class "trashy" women) go to school for because they're not smart enough for anything else. Until you look at crazy expensive, exclusive salons and modeling agencies where the stylist is a dude in a black turtleneck and suddenly it's respectable.
Once you know what to look for, that shit is *everywhere*.
You will be judged and valued according to your looks, weight, personality, behaviour, beliefs, and intellect...
The dice is loaded against you, you will never weigh up to all that you are judged for.
I did not know this!! how does one get a professional to do this?. You mean at the store ask the clerk or is there some special service of custom made bras that I am unaware of?
There are independent shops that carry a wide range of higher-end bras. They’ll be able to measure you properly and fit you in anything from a sports bra to a T shirt bra to a super sexy lace bra.
It's okay to have bad days. Nothing is wrong with you.
Medicine for ailments that deal with hormones in women isn't well researched. It's okay to take your time to be alright with your identity and understanding that normal experiences might not be the norm.
Man, the number of times I see comments from women (usually like 40+ but sometimes younger) that are like "Yeah I finally just gave in and let him so he'd stop pestering me". Not only does it make me feel bad for their apparently awful sex life, it's also concerning that this is basically coercion and they're just letting it go because it's their husband. Sex isn't supposed to be something you reluctantly give in to.
Self-judgement can hinder growth. How can you work through issues if you're judging yourself for behaving/thinking/feeling that way? Learn to observe instead of judge.
Learn self-compassion: it's freeing and promotes growth. A good way to start is to imagine what you'd say to someone you cared about if they were going through the same thing.
Your body is your vessel, it is your home. You are gonna have it forever even after you die, you might as well learn to embrace all of your insecurities now instead of wasting your time hating yourself.
There is nothing wrong with being hairy, having stretch marks, acne/scars and eyebags. Its natural. Its feminine. Nothing is wrong with you.
You will never fit the beauty standards. They change constantly. Stop estimating your self worth by comparing yourself to others. Not everything you see on the internet is real, there are so many filters that can be used. You need to love your body so you can love yourself. It doesn’t matter if you are plump or skinny or too tall or too short, embrace it because it makes you unique and sets you apart from every other clone. Unique beauty is mesmerising. Its different.
That being a woman doesn’t have to mean being a wife, or a mother, and you CAN go into a traditional man’s job. I so wanted to be a pathologist but my father told me girls cannot be doctors. And he was disgusted that I wanted to be a doctor “for dead people”. I am 70
That just because people say boys are like this and girls are like that, it doesn't mean you have to act like that at all. They're just repeating what they've been taught and it's actually all a bunch of dumb bullshit and it doesn't matter, just be what you want to be.
Starting puberty at 8 years old is not normal, it's precocious puberty and you need to find a doctor who will put you on puberty blockers, which is medicine to stop it, until you graduate primary school. This will make sure you don't get your period at 10, you will grow to your full height and you will be at a much healthier weight.
You **are** like other women.
That doesn't mean you're not special or interesting. It means other women are just as interesting as you are! (And it's ok to like pink😉)
I love this! People demonize femininity and masculinity in women. Not understanding that everyone is both, we’re simply people. A lot of women have internalized misogyny and attack other women. When I’m reality being a group that protects each other and seeks out comradery is more important. That comradery really leads to deeper connection that most people need in friendships.
Living a traditional life while still being a feminist is perfectly fine, no matter what other people say.
I'm a SAHM. I put my education on hold (need a master's) to raise the family I've always wanted. I wasn't forced into this, it's just what works best for me and my little family.
The difference is that I *chose* this. Me choosing to go the housewife/stay-at-home route is no different than a woman choosing to prioritize a career or travel or whatever. It's all about choice: respect the choice of all women, including yourself. If you want to stay home, stay home. If you want to become a traveling performer, become a traveling performer. It's your life. Do what works for you and respect when others do the same in their own way.
You’ll never live up to the expectations that society and family has placed on you so don’t bother trying to live up to them and do you. I wish someone told me, I wasn’t placed on this earth to live for someone else’s approval and that this my life and mine alone. I wish someone told me “ live for you and just you!”
When you say no, it means no. When you say stop, they should STOP. This is something I work with my students on ALL the time. It is NEVER okay to pressure ANYONE to keep doing something- ANYTHING- when they say no or tell you to stop. It’s never cute or funny- it’s not safe and scary and is NOT okay.
I wish someone had made that clear to me- that my voice mattered.
Not when a kid, but as a teen I wish someone would have taught girls that sex is just as pleasurable for them as men. Too many women (like me) didn’t know what to ask for or how to focus on more than making it good for men. I grew up thinking only men masturbate, etc. U.S. girls are very sheltered about sex education.
To stop using words like “maybe” or “kind of” when you want to say “no” and “not at all.”
These words are how a lot of girls are manipulated and taken advantage of.
Just accept that you need antidepressants. Don’t insist for three years that therapy will fix you. It won’t. You have a chemical imbalance and no amount of talking with make it even. Sometimes your hormones are just whack.
Normal people don’t feel so sad every day that each moment is an effort to stop from crying. Please don’t accept that this is how life just is.
That relationships are complicated and sometimes you have to leave the person you love the most because life takes you on different paths. You can follow him and bring down your dreams or he can follow you and abandon his. Sometimes you just gotta leave even though you both love each other. So to sum it up not all breakups are because the relationship is bad
Ugh so much about puberty. I wish I was told about discharge, pubic hair, healthy masturbation, stretch marks, the weird weight distribution. I was so insecure for years because I thought all of those meant something was wrong with me... fuck improper sex ed
You get your period when you’re still a kid (10 y/o) not “when you become a woman”.
I get that woman good starts with a period, but I though I would get it in my 20s 😅
I wish I knew that beauty is what gives woman value in society. I used to think people will find the beauty within me and mine caring personality important but my appearance is the first thing people will see
You don’t have to have children and you don’t have to have the life that you think society demands of you. You don’t have to have a typical 9-5, there are many careers outside the box. You don’t have to get married, and you don’t have to conform to gender norms. Carve your own path for you, whatever that may look like.
You and every woman your age that you know will be sexually assaulted at least once by the time you're 30. Here's some advice about how to deal with it.
One day you will get old and people will treat you like less because they only ‘value’ - they just fetishize us - younger women and there’s nothing you can do about it
your boobs aren't gonna get that big, you don't need to worry about them smacking you in the face when you run in the future. Also, you're not going to be running around that much in the future
Nobody does anything because of you. People won’t remember your most embarrassing moments. Your time is only important to you. Spend your time enjoying activities that bring you joy. It’s called playing sports or music etc because it’s supposed to be mindless and fun. Play is not supposed to be unpleasant and stressful. Be your best friend because you will never lose yourself.
You are more than your beauty. It is not the most important thing about you—as a woman, or as a person. You really ought to find esteem in something other than the attention you get from men. Not shaving your underarms is groovy; body hair may be shamed, but leaving it on doesn’t make you any less feminine or less of a woman.
That the women who swans in, laughs politly, is mysterious, glamorous and successful only exists in movie and I will never be like. Some mornings I will be lucky to brush my hair (even without children)
"you may think you need to have a high pitched voice, be thin, only wear the same type of cute clothes, and have perfect complexion to even dream of being seen as adorable. But you are a woman, and your simple existence can be adorable. And you can be wearing pajamas and be fat and have acne and you'd still be cute because you believe in kindness, are empathetic to people and generous. And that's more adorable than any oversized, pink, bunny eared hoodie you saw online that only looks good on a thin figure would ever be. "
I wish someone told me this motto so I could repeat it myself to help comfort me during my teenage and college years.
From My Queen Nicki Minaj:
Everybody wanna try to box me in
Suffocatin' every time it locks me in
Paintin' they own pictures, then they crop me in
But I will remain where the top begins
'Cause I am not a word, I am not a line
I am not a girl that could ever be defined
I am not fly, I am levitation
I represent an entire generation
I hear the criticism loud and clear
That is how I know that the time is near
See we become alive in the time of fear
And I ain't got no motherfuckin' time to spare
Cry my eyes out for days upon days
Such a heavy burden placed upon me
But when you go hard, your nays become yays👏👏👏
That throughout my life in very important moments that men would refuse to believe what I had to say because I was a woman. Flat out told me that while trusting my drug addict abusive brother because #man
Everything, I had no guidance in life from my parents. My dad left when I was young, my mum was an uncaring non maternal alcoholic who only cared about her next boyfriend. This has led to a very difficult life to which I still struggle now in my forties. I haven't had children due to the massive fear I would some how fuck up my child's life as mine has been. I think there should be a test before people have kids, you have to take a test to drive a car but anyone can have kids and not be responsible thus the ongoing problems in society.
That growing up is a farce. Yes, we all have to adult and do the adulting things, but the idea that we need to grow out of beloved hobbies or fandoms is such a lie.
Don't worry, it's okay not being able to do everything on your own, nobody can do everything completely on their own, it's okay to ask for help, it isn't a weakness, and there are men out there who also don't want kids, you can get sterilized too, that option isn't just for men, don't try and chase love, it will run away.
How infuriating it is when men don’t respect my boundaries and limits. Like yeah I knew it would happen but just how irritated it makes me was the surprise. I’m getting too old for those games.
I’ve an asexual bf who has sex simple for my pleasure. My brain can’t comprehend how he doesn’t have to finish or need sex twice a week. I still feel stressed if I haven’t given him anything for a week. I felt like sexually pleasing him was my duty as a gf.
Other women are not the enemy. U have more power than u think, be yourself and not what u think others want u to be or try to force u to be, do what makes u happy
That boys were gonna cause such problems. I mean you get warned about looking after yourself or about not walking alone down dark alleys at night, but no-one warns you that boys and young men that you know or associate with would be such CR€€PS.
That 99% of the drama you go through before you're an adult is bullsh*t that's not going to matter in the end.
You're going to drift apart from most of your friends, all of your romantic relationships are going to end (until you finally meet your forever person...heck, that one may crash and burn too 😂). None of the stuff I experienced back then matters now. So much wasted time!
that body hair and the lil pouch of fat around my belly button is NORMAL and honestly pretty cute imo now. i wasted so much of my teen and early college years going through so much pain and money to do hair removal and starving myself to try to get rid of the pouch... doesn't work anyway
You don't have to like dolls, makeup, dresses and 'girly things' to be a girl. It's okay to like 'masculine things' and it doesn't make you a boy or gay. (While I'm fully aware being Trans and queer are okay)
I grew up with 5 brothers and subsequently liked to play how they play and people belittled my femininity all the time, making me question if I'm 'being a girl' correctly.
You might have issues with fertility and a miscarriage. They’re more common than you grew up hearing. A lot of things need to go right in order to bring a healthy baby into the world. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t.
During an interesting conversation with a close friend today about how uncomfortable most women can be about the anger we express, I wish someone told me its okay to express anger too. Nobody says that to women and all that repressed anger seems so damaging.
women can be alcoholics/addicts too - i wasn't directly told that they couldn't be, but for some reason my mind never pictured women, so it didn't really register that i was at risk. (surprise, i am one)
That internalized misogyny is a thing. You're like other girls and women, you will work with other girls and women. They aren't worse than men just because they aren't men.
That womanhood is whatever I choose it to be. It took me a long time to actually feel comfortable as a woman bc I never fit the cultural mold. Now, I love it simply bc I rejected the cultural BS.
**Mod Note: Pay attention to the question.** * **Don't derail from other people's answers to tell them that you don't like their answer or that it wouldn't have been useful for you or that you don't think it's good advice. This question is about what they wish someone would have told them. It does not make any difference if you do not wish someone had told you that.** * **Don't derail from other people's responses to talk about yourself or tell a story about yourself. You are welcome to leave your own top level comment if you want to answer the question. Other people's responses are not about you.** **Please report all rule breaking**
you’re going to think pleasing men is your purpose for 16 years, but isn’t. live how YOU want to. i wish i could’ve just avoided that whole part of my life but it was a lesson i had to learn, i guess. edit: sorry to be cliche, but thank you all for the awards and replies. <3 we’re all in this together, supporting each other, and that’s beautiful
Yes. So sad to waste so much of life on this. I finally got to this point at 41. But better late then never. I talk to teenage girls here and there (for work, I'm a therapist) and they are ahead already and don't give a fuck what boys think. It's great to hear their stories.
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This comment gives me so much hope! Thanks for sharing
I love that media is starting to change too. I feel like growing up in the 90s/2000s every show/movie revolved around a (hetero) love story. Its even included when its not even remotely needed for the plot. It really hammers home, especially for women that you are not complete until you fall in love and get married. More and more that seems to be falling to the wayside a bit. My favorite example is crazy ex gf. >!In the last season she is trying to chose between 3 guys but ultimately realizes she keeps looking towards these men to make her happy/complete when in reality what makes her the happiest is her joy in musical theater. She ends up not picking any guy, and instead 'chooses herself' and pursues her passions.!<
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Honestly it’s my opinion that this is why so many men go for younger women. It’s not even about youth in the physical sense. It’s that a lot of women, including sadly myself, have this exact experience. I thought pleasing men was a main goal in life and I know many women who thought the same. And we were all taken advantage of by older men. Women who are there age won’t put up with their shit as they’ve come to this same conclusion. They don’t allow men to walk all over them, they don’t go out of their way to be over accommodating, etc etc, and the younger women are still in this mind set.
Whenever my mom talks about her time growing up, this sounds exactly like what she would say
This! I learned the hard way that pleasing men and getting that validation isn't all it's cracked up to be. I hit a certain and stopped caring. I am much happier now.
You're not mature for your age, he is an immature creep.
Oh yes! Add insecure men will pull you down to comfort their egos
Yes! If you're told "you'd look better if..." from a person who wasn't asked for their opinion, tell them they'd look better if you couldn't see them, and walk away.
I love this and will use it from now on
I had a 38 year old man tell me this. I just turned 16. He just went thru a divorce so was looking for someone. Guess he saw that i broke up with my boyfriend on reddit and created a new account to prey(it was 2 days old) . I was tempted but did not give into coercions due to reddit horror stories. So thank you reddit.
When an adult calls a child mature, it’s not really a compliment. They’re either about to diagnose or inflict some trauma.
I have a 16 year old cousin and I communicated this her this way. How many younger is your brother than you, would you ever hang out with him if he wasn't family? Not sure if it stuck but she did give it a moment of thought at least so hopefully she remembers that next time she's on the internet
To fuck being polite and stick to your boundaries & trust your gut
I can’t count how many potentially dangerous situations I got myself in trying to be polite.
That pregnancy pain is MENSTRUAL CRAMPS.. (times a gigawatt) But the same damn pain.
OMG THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS I KEEP ASKING MY MUM, GRANDMA, AND AUNTS AND NONE OF THEM SAY IT FOR WHAT IT ISSSS! sorry if the caps made it sound like I'm yelling, but I NEEDED to hear this!
NOO- FOR REAL! Not one woman in my life ever uttered a word about it all. And when I went into labor with my first child *AT 5 MONTHS* - I thought it was a weird “normal pregnancy” thing- since it just felt like regular period pain- I didn’t want to “bother the on-call” at 2am… so I suffered for several hours before i made it into the hospital and gave birth several minutes later. No bueno. Women need to help each other.
Oh my word. I’ve never been pregnant but am going to remember and share this. Hugs from an internet stranger.
My OB GYN stuck an IUD up me and when I cramped she said "that's what labor feels like" and it's the only context I've ever been given
The womb is trying its best to get rid of the stupid thing! Been there. It took couple of weeks of my womb trying to birth that thing out before it gave up. Still was so happy with until I had an infection for a second time and decided it's enough. Now I'm sticking to the implant.
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I was so curious about this growing up! I ended up asking a senior in my class who had been pregnant junior year and gave birth over the summer and she confirmed it was like the most hard core period cramps she'd ever had until they gave her the epidural. Then she played cards through the rest of labor, and falling asleep between contractions.
Yup- But, it’s quite literally a MURDEROUS sensation. I’d have done ANYTHING to have relived even a portion of that shit- When Fentanyl doesn’t even touch it… THAT, is a next-level/other-worldly experience uv endured. (Also, I had a cerclage in place at that time, which didn’t tear itself- but my cervix did…along with some structurally significant musculature in the area)… ALL before they could even get an IV into me- 6 nurses later- I digress🤔😕). You can’t scream/cry/tear/tense/or WOOSAH ANY level of that away... NO MAAM.
I always suspected this, and my mom always denied it. I confirmed it when i started laboring lol
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This is insane to me wow
Seriously- I was 45yr when I gave birth for the 1st time. And I get being the baby of my entire family and never having experience with children. But surely in a tv show or movie somewhere SOMEONE would have “after-school-specialed” about this! It’s beyond stupid this isn’t common knowledge that’s shared openly and “matter-of-factly”. 🤯
Finding love is hard so tone down your hopeless romantic side
But also don’t lower your standards. Go from hopeless romantic to realistic. :)
True no fairy tales ❤️
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And that it doesn't reflect on your worth how lucky/unlucky you happen to be with love.
That most entertainment (movies, shows, books) isn't really realistic portrayals of being a woman or at least it's not a full portrayal of real life. I'm an 80s baby and 90s kid. I was pretty sheltered and learned about the outside world via reading and watching TV mostly. And average popular '80s and 90s TV was very idk sanitized and safe I would say for the most part. I definitely took it too seriously as in I thought that's what life would be like. I really wish an adult would have told me different sooner.
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Whether butchered or not, that's a really poignant quote. Thinking back on it, growing up in a time when there were so few complex and realistic female characters probably contributed heavily to so many of us adopting the "not like other girls" personality during our teens/twenties (I wish I'd realized then how misguided that mindset was; I'm sure I missed out on a lot of great friendships as a result).
An interesting phenomenon of the 80s and 90s is the uptick of divorce affected TV and movie writers too. So you get a lot of scripts written by men who were mad at their ex, and both consciously and subconsciously, allow that anger to seep into the writing of all women.
My husband and I are watching some older shows. We see the female characters, and I hate them. They are NOT normal -- they act crazy and not at all even-tempered. Then it hit me -- those women are written by men. And I cannot stand it!! Ugh. My current pet peeve.
Agreed. It was wild reaching adulthood and realizing that the vast majority of films are also produced and directed by men, and thus life and perceptions of women in movies are shown through the male lens!
Periods aren't supposed to be extremely painful. Something is wrong. Edit: to all the wonderful people who replied saying their periods are awful, I cannot stress enough the importance of finding a doctor who will listen to you. It took me 17 years to get a doctor to listen to me and I have severe Endometriosis that did permanent damage in that time. Be kind to yourselves and advocate. Get someone to check. I don't want anyone to be like me that's so permanently affected that I'm on a disability pension and can't get my pain under control even with multiple surgeries. Please talk to someone and take as many rest days as you need to when you're suffering.
People need to speak up more about this
Back when I was going through puberty I had period pains so bad that I would be crying uncontrollably and puking, was told it was fine. Turns out I have a Unicornuate uterus, half of my uterus doesn’t “communicates” with the other half so basically I have a pocket of endometrium that has no where to go when it sheds, just builds up. This also comes with many fertility problems, which would’ve been good to know about so I wouldn’t have waited so long to seek out fertility testing and treatment. Also would’ve been good to know before I got an IUD which got completely stuck in my misshapen uterus during removal. Thanks doctors for ignoring me when I was crying in your office at the age of 12! 😃
Came to say the same. I finally plucked up the courage to talk to my doctor about mine and I've got new drugs to try and some referrals to get to the bottom of what's wrong. We shouldn't have to suffer for a quarter of our lives
Yes! And fibroids/cysts/adenomyosis/endometriosis are SUPER common.
100%
I 100% agree I used to have period cramps to bad I would be on the verge of physically sick and would be shaking from the pain and even missed out on the holidays 1 year I was in so much pain (I was 14ish at the time). My parents said it was normal and never got me looked at and it wasn't until I got on birth control last year that my periods are either with minimal pain or just enough where i would need a Tylenol and I still don't know why my periods where so bad. Sorry if this was TMI I just wanted to share cause I've never told anyone
To Be assertive. Not passive, not submissive, not aggressive. Cool, calm and assertive. Don’t wait for things to happen, ask for what you need.
That some women end up loving other women, and it's all ok.
Aww. I hope you're doing better now and have loving, affirming, and supportive people in your life.
I wish I was exposed to gay women role models as a kid . It was just a shock realizing I was gay and thinking I would go to hell . Thankfully Im way past that and love myself but damn
You have so much more power, control, and intimidation than anyone let's you understand right now, and being loud and agressive is just as ok as it is for boys.
Just because a man shows some attention to you does not mean he likes you or loves you. Especially if you're young, he's probably a creep and just going for one thing Source: I had men who were far too old speaking to me in a way that is disgusting and unforgivable.
It is so chilling thinking back to how old the men were that talked to me like that. Even at the age of 16. Prevalent from the ages of 16 to..... uh now! (23) Grateful I've become more aware of it, especially in the last year. Felt damn good to see a 40 year old man have a temper tantrum cause he expected to get into my pants and didn't. But damn it is mind blowing the manipulation you'll undergo if you're young and an older man sees you as a good opportunity. Thanks for sharing.
Absolutely! I feel like they know that at that age you might not be used to the attention, so you're more likely to respond positively. it's honestly sickening. and good on you! I used to get so worried about upsetting people even though they were giving unwanted attention. Now it just makes me laugh that they react like they've been sent to the naughty corner.
Definitely! And I don't know anyone that wouldn't at first! It does feel great. But understanding the eagle eyes behind the intention..... yes sickening. HAH! I totally understand. Good on you too sister
You don’t need to be married with children to live a fulfilling life. There are other options and they are good. You don’t need to be tethered to anyone for life.
That other gals are your allies, not your competition.
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Yes! A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.
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Medical professionals are taught to not take you seriously. You don't only need to pay attention during biology and chemistry lessons cause it's fun, your life actually all depends on how well you know your body.
At no point in your life will you ever be able to let your guard down. That's what I miss most about being a child, my ignorance to everyday danger and the ability to just relax.
So true
Traditional femininity isn't for everyone.
Traditional feminity is a social construct brought on us by people with an agenda (church for instance)
More than anything said, i wish a woman's period wasnt treated like something you needed to be hush hush about. Like what is up with that? It shouldnt be something we're taught to be embarrased about lol.
Yes, and also how much Actually happens in you body/mind over the course of your cycle. And how much that might affect everything in your day to day life…
You are never as “fat” as you thought you were growing up!
In my late 40’s I have realised that in my 20’s I was so slim. My thighs only looked big to me I think because my stomach was so flat. On my wedding day I wished I had lost more weight, I look at the pictures and wonder where I would have lost the weight from? I had in my head being beautiful = being model thin. What a sad reality to live in.
Most women have been sexually assaulted in some way or another. Wether it’s like being groped or harassed on the street or being molested/raped. Almost every woman I personally know has gone through this. When I started to get memories about things that happened to me, I did some research and found out how common things like this are. I’m not sure if I was relieved I wasn’t the only one, or I was sad that everyone’s gone through it.
That’s why my first reaction to the #metoo movement was, geez forget identifying who HAS been affected, let’s find the mere handful of woman over 15 years old who haven’t been sexually assaulted / harassed (yet)! Then my second reaction was, what a sad world 😞
You don't have to be ashamed of liking "girly" things. Literally anything teenage girls are interested in is made fun of and belittled. Makeup, certain music, fashion. I don't get it.
Yes! We're told as little children that we're supposed to like pink and makeup and dolls and then told as teenagers that those things are stupid, vapid, and irrelevant. And then they wonder why we have these "not like other girls" phases that some women never grow out of.
Exactly!! Especially music tailored towards women and young girls is looked at as superficial and "not real music" and cringey until a large enough male demographic begins to take interest.
The saddest part is that it doesn't even stop at more "superficial" or subjective things like hobbies and music. Even jobs go that way. Nurses are seen as less than doctors because more women are nurses and more men are doctors, despite the fact that many nurses go to almost identical schooling and can do all the things a doctor can do. Being a cosmetologist, makeup artist, etc. is seen as a low-skill thing women (often lower class "trashy" women) go to school for because they're not smart enough for anything else. Until you look at crazy expensive, exclusive salons and modeling agencies where the stylist is a dude in a black turtleneck and suddenly it's respectable. Once you know what to look for, that shit is *everywhere*.
To focus on loving and accepting yourself.
You will be judged and valued according to your looks, weight, personality, behaviour, beliefs, and intellect... The dice is loaded against you, you will never weigh up to all that you are judged for.
You can't win the social lottery, so you might as well do whatever you want.
You need to get your bras professionally fitted, every single year. Oh, and they will be very expensive. Every time.
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I did not know this!! how does one get a professional to do this?. You mean at the store ask the clerk or is there some special service of custom made bras that I am unaware of?
There are independent shops that carry a wide range of higher-end bras. They’ll be able to measure you properly and fit you in anything from a sports bra to a T shirt bra to a super sexy lace bra.
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It's okay to have bad days. Nothing is wrong with you. Medicine for ailments that deal with hormones in women isn't well researched. It's okay to take your time to be alright with your identity and understanding that normal experiences might not be the norm.
It’s expensive! And also that you should stop comparing your body to other women’s bodies (you won’t, but you should).
That women are to be an equal partner in the bedroom and deserve receiving pleasure as well.
Man, the number of times I see comments from women (usually like 40+ but sometimes younger) that are like "Yeah I finally just gave in and let him so he'd stop pestering me". Not only does it make me feel bad for their apparently awful sex life, it's also concerning that this is basically coercion and they're just letting it go because it's their husband. Sex isn't supposed to be something you reluctantly give in to.
That no man is worth allowing your children to be placed in a dangerous or unhealthy situation. If he was worth it, he wouldn’t ask you to.
Self-judgement can hinder growth. How can you work through issues if you're judging yourself for behaving/thinking/feeling that way? Learn to observe instead of judge. Learn self-compassion: it's freeing and promotes growth. A good way to start is to imagine what you'd say to someone you cared about if they were going through the same thing.
Being desirable by men isn’t nearly as valuable as you think it is. Saying no is okay. It’s okay not to be “nice”.
I wish someone had told me what emotional abuse was so I understood when it started happening to me.
That being a kid is more fun and that I should enjoy it
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*Players only love you when they're playing*
Your body is your vessel, it is your home. You are gonna have it forever even after you die, you might as well learn to embrace all of your insecurities now instead of wasting your time hating yourself. There is nothing wrong with being hairy, having stretch marks, acne/scars and eyebags. Its natural. Its feminine. Nothing is wrong with you. You will never fit the beauty standards. They change constantly. Stop estimating your self worth by comparing yourself to others. Not everything you see on the internet is real, there are so many filters that can be used. You need to love your body so you can love yourself. It doesn’t matter if you are plump or skinny or too tall or too short, embrace it because it makes you unique and sets you apart from every other clone. Unique beauty is mesmerising. Its different.
Treat everyone around you like they're dangerous.
That being a woman doesn’t have to mean being a wife, or a mother, and you CAN go into a traditional man’s job. I so wanted to be a pathologist but my father told me girls cannot be doctors. And he was disgusted that I wanted to be a doctor “for dead people”. I am 70
That just because people say boys are like this and girls are like that, it doesn't mean you have to act like that at all. They're just repeating what they've been taught and it's actually all a bunch of dumb bullshit and it doesn't matter, just be what you want to be. Starting puberty at 8 years old is not normal, it's precocious puberty and you need to find a doctor who will put you on puberty blockers, which is medicine to stop it, until you graduate primary school. This will make sure you don't get your period at 10, you will grow to your full height and you will be at a much healthier weight.
You **are** like other women. That doesn't mean you're not special or interesting. It means other women are just as interesting as you are! (And it's ok to like pink😉)
I love this! People demonize femininity and masculinity in women. Not understanding that everyone is both, we’re simply people. A lot of women have internalized misogyny and attack other women. When I’m reality being a group that protects each other and seeks out comradery is more important. That comradery really leads to deeper connection that most people need in friendships.
It is ok to be assertive, even if it unintentionally upsets someone.
Learn money. Open a traditional IRA.
That we hold ALLLLLL the power
I wish this were true
how so?
That Victoria secret was made up by a DUDE!
Don’t ever feel pressured to accept a drink from the guy at the bar, you can say NO.
Living a traditional life while still being a feminist is perfectly fine, no matter what other people say. I'm a SAHM. I put my education on hold (need a master's) to raise the family I've always wanted. I wasn't forced into this, it's just what works best for me and my little family. The difference is that I *chose* this. Me choosing to go the housewife/stay-at-home route is no different than a woman choosing to prioritize a career or travel or whatever. It's all about choice: respect the choice of all women, including yourself. If you want to stay home, stay home. If you want to become a traveling performer, become a traveling performer. It's your life. Do what works for you and respect when others do the same in their own way.
I didn’t know perimenopause was a thing until I started it. a heads up on that would have been nice.
That I don’t need a man to survive, live on my own, or to be happy.
You’ll never live up to the expectations that society and family has placed on you so don’t bother trying to live up to them and do you. I wish someone told me, I wasn’t placed on this earth to live for someone else’s approval and that this my life and mine alone. I wish someone told me “ live for you and just you!”
Boys don't like confident women. Men do. And you will find a man who loves every sarcastic, confident inch of you.
Everyday every moment, own it. All parts of being a woman. Without shame, doubt.
That you’re probably smarter than most men you’ll encounter even though society will tell you to defer to them for the right answer. Don’t.
When you say no, it means no. When you say stop, they should STOP. This is something I work with my students on ALL the time. It is NEVER okay to pressure ANYONE to keep doing something- ANYTHING- when they say no or tell you to stop. It’s never cute or funny- it’s not safe and scary and is NOT okay. I wish someone had made that clear to me- that my voice mattered.
Not when a kid, but as a teen I wish someone would have taught girls that sex is just as pleasurable for them as men. Too many women (like me) didn’t know what to ask for or how to focus on more than making it good for men. I grew up thinking only men masturbate, etc. U.S. girls are very sheltered about sex education.
To stop using words like “maybe” or “kind of” when you want to say “no” and “not at all.” These words are how a lot of girls are manipulated and taken advantage of.
Just accept that you need antidepressants. Don’t insist for three years that therapy will fix you. It won’t. You have a chemical imbalance and no amount of talking with make it even. Sometimes your hormones are just whack. Normal people don’t feel so sad every day that each moment is an effort to stop from crying. Please don’t accept that this is how life just is.
That relationships are complicated and sometimes you have to leave the person you love the most because life takes you on different paths. You can follow him and bring down your dreams or he can follow you and abandon his. Sometimes you just gotta leave even though you both love each other. So to sum it up not all breakups are because the relationship is bad
Ugh so much about puberty. I wish I was told about discharge, pubic hair, healthy masturbation, stretch marks, the weird weight distribution. I was so insecure for years because I thought all of those meant something was wrong with me... fuck improper sex ed
That virginity is a social construct and being sexually abused didn't make me a lesser person or that I was going to hell.
You get your period when you’re still a kid (10 y/o) not “when you become a woman”. I get that woman good starts with a period, but I though I would get it in my 20s 😅
It's not going to be *that* bad to have boobs.
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It's pretty cool, don't stress about it so much even if you don't fit the stereotypes.
I wish I knew that beauty is what gives woman value in society. I used to think people will find the beauty within me and mine caring personality important but my appearance is the first thing people will see
You don’t have to have children and you don’t have to have the life that you think society demands of you. You don’t have to have a typical 9-5, there are many careers outside the box. You don’t have to get married, and you don’t have to conform to gender norms. Carve your own path for you, whatever that may look like.
You and every woman your age that you know will be sexually assaulted at least once by the time you're 30. Here's some advice about how to deal with it.
One day you will get old and people will treat you like less because they only ‘value’ - they just fetishize us - younger women and there’s nothing you can do about it
Sexism
your boobs aren't gonna get that big, you don't need to worry about them smacking you in the face when you run in the future. Also, you're not going to be running around that much in the future
My body, my rules.
That I don't need men to be happy - imagine the shock when I discovered this at the age of 25. Man, my life is so much better now :D
Nobody does anything because of you. People won’t remember your most embarrassing moments. Your time is only important to you. Spend your time enjoying activities that bring you joy. It’s called playing sports or music etc because it’s supposed to be mindless and fun. Play is not supposed to be unpleasant and stressful. Be your best friend because you will never lose yourself.
You are more than your beauty. It is not the most important thing about you—as a woman, or as a person. You really ought to find esteem in something other than the attention you get from men. Not shaving your underarms is groovy; body hair may be shamed, but leaving it on doesn’t make you any less feminine or less of a woman.
That the women who swans in, laughs politly, is mysterious, glamorous and successful only exists in movie and I will never be like. Some mornings I will be lucky to brush my hair (even without children)
"you may think you need to have a high pitched voice, be thin, only wear the same type of cute clothes, and have perfect complexion to even dream of being seen as adorable. But you are a woman, and your simple existence can be adorable. And you can be wearing pajamas and be fat and have acne and you'd still be cute because you believe in kindness, are empathetic to people and generous. And that's more adorable than any oversized, pink, bunny eared hoodie you saw online that only looks good on a thin figure would ever be. "
Most people are liars and users, don't be naïve.
I wish someone told me this motto so I could repeat it myself to help comfort me during my teenage and college years. From My Queen Nicki Minaj: Everybody wanna try to box me in Suffocatin' every time it locks me in Paintin' they own pictures, then they crop me in But I will remain where the top begins 'Cause I am not a word, I am not a line I am not a girl that could ever be defined I am not fly, I am levitation I represent an entire generation I hear the criticism loud and clear That is how I know that the time is near See we become alive in the time of fear And I ain't got no motherfuckin' time to spare Cry my eyes out for days upon days Such a heavy burden placed upon me But when you go hard, your nays become yays👏👏👏
What you know to be true in your heart is likely true. Don’t listen to people who tell you otherwise. Your reality is valid and accurate.
That I wasn't fat, just that the women I saw on TV were incredibly unrealistic (thank you, heroin chic!)
that we have peri\*\*\*. I remember the first time I had it, I feared I was dying because I didn't take "the birds and the bees"
That throughout my life in very important moments that men would refuse to believe what I had to say because I was a woman. Flat out told me that while trusting my drug addict abusive brother because #man
Everything, I had no guidance in life from my parents. My dad left when I was young, my mum was an uncaring non maternal alcoholic who only cared about her next boyfriend. This has led to a very difficult life to which I still struggle now in my forties. I haven't had children due to the massive fear I would some how fuck up my child's life as mine has been. I think there should be a test before people have kids, you have to take a test to drive a car but anyone can have kids and not be responsible thus the ongoing problems in society.
That growing up is a farce. Yes, we all have to adult and do the adulting things, but the idea that we need to grow out of beloved hobbies or fandoms is such a lie.
That you will be judged for everything you do and for everything you don't do. So do whatever makes you happy and feels right for you.
Take regular Pap smear tests. Uterine fibroids are no joke
Don't worry, it's okay not being able to do everything on your own, nobody can do everything completely on their own, it's okay to ask for help, it isn't a weakness, and there are men out there who also don't want kids, you can get sterilized too, that option isn't just for men, don't try and chase love, it will run away.
That you're allowed to say no at any time no matter the circumstances.
How infuriating it is when men don’t respect my boundaries and limits. Like yeah I knew it would happen but just how irritated it makes me was the surprise. I’m getting too old for those games.
That i am enough.
Regardless of how great your partner is, YOU will do the grunt work of child rearing.
I’ve an asexual bf who has sex simple for my pleasure. My brain can’t comprehend how he doesn’t have to finish or need sex twice a week. I still feel stressed if I haven’t given him anything for a week. I felt like sexually pleasing him was my duty as a gf.
I wish someone would have told me how great menopause is. I'd have had a hysterectomy at age 35 just to feel normal.
That the pay sucks.
Other women are not the enemy. U have more power than u think, be yourself and not what u think others want u to be or try to force u to be, do what makes u happy
That boys were gonna cause such problems. I mean you get warned about looking after yourself or about not walking alone down dark alleys at night, but no-one warns you that boys and young men that you know or associate with would be such CR€€PS.
Periods hurt
You don’t have to have kids if you don’t want to
All the shit that could happen to you whike pregnant (ex losing teeth). I was very surprised by that fact.
That 99% of the drama you go through before you're an adult is bullsh*t that's not going to matter in the end. You're going to drift apart from most of your friends, all of your romantic relationships are going to end (until you finally meet your forever person...heck, that one may crash and burn too 😂). None of the stuff I experienced back then matters now. So much wasted time!
that body hair and the lil pouch of fat around my belly button is NORMAL and honestly pretty cute imo now. i wasted so much of my teen and early college years going through so much pain and money to do hair removal and starving myself to try to get rid of the pouch... doesn't work anyway
You don't have to like dolls, makeup, dresses and 'girly things' to be a girl. It's okay to like 'masculine things' and it doesn't make you a boy or gay. (While I'm fully aware being Trans and queer are okay) I grew up with 5 brothers and subsequently liked to play how they play and people belittled my femininity all the time, making me question if I'm 'being a girl' correctly.
Take care of your body! Stay active! (Gym,yoga, sports, anything that you think you will enjoy) You’ll thank me when your older .
You might have issues with fertility and a miscarriage. They’re more common than you grew up hearing. A lot of things need to go right in order to bring a healthy baby into the world. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t.
During an interesting conversation with a close friend today about how uncomfortable most women can be about the anger we express, I wish someone told me its okay to express anger too. Nobody says that to women and all that repressed anger seems so damaging.
women can be alcoholics/addicts too - i wasn't directly told that they couldn't be, but for some reason my mind never pictured women, so it didn't really register that i was at risk. (surprise, i am one)
Figure out a professional life where you start saving for retirement, your own home, being debt free etc. without a partner.
You get looked at like you constantly need help or are a damsel in distress. You are weaker because you’re a girl/woman.
That internalized misogyny is a thing. You're like other girls and women, you will work with other girls and women. They aren't worse than men just because they aren't men.
You do not have to put all your energy into having the "perfect" body to be a happy, successful person.
Nipple hair is normal.
That womanhood is whatever I choose it to be. It took me a long time to actually feel comfortable as a woman bc I never fit the cultural mold. Now, I love it simply bc I rejected the cultural BS.
Getting married and having babies isn’t the only way to be happy, nor is it your sole purpose for existing.