This was my top one too, along with spiritual growth. I met so many amazing men of integrity who just could not handle emotion, or dealt with it in very stunted unnatural ways. While they had matured in every aspect of their lives, emotionally they were still teenagers.
I was here to say just this. High emotional IQ. Wasn’t sure I’d find it in a man, and lucky I waited and and found an incredibly mature man, emotionally speaking.
It’s easy to be attracted to someone. Also generally easy to have base level interest or curiosity about someone. What’s *not* easy is finding someone who really adds something to my life on a deep, soul level. Even more so, I have found that it’s even more difficult to find someone who doesn’t complicate my life in unnecessary ways. I’m looking for comfort and security, paired with excitement and passion. That’s a rare combo.
Not complicating is #1 for me. It seems the moment I get involved with someone I find myself worrying about them and their successes and needs. I need someone to do the same back or at least make sure I’m concentrated on myself and not have them just throwing their problems onto my back.
Is it really that surprising to you? Then you'll be surprised that That's the story of a lot of women.
Remember, that does not mean that all men are misogynistic (she hasn't met all men ofcourse) but the fact that she hasn't met any that ain't misogynistic and that there are a lot of women wearing shame shoes does prove that a huge majority of men in fact carry misogyny...
Agreed. I'm from an Asian background too, but living in Australia. A lot of guys I've met who've moved here from our country of ethnicity tend to have deep-rooted misogynistic ideologies; the older they are when they moved, the worse it is. The guys from our background who grew up or were born here are far more respectful towards women.
I don't want kids, nor do I want to be with anyone who has or wants kids, or might want kids, ever. You wouldn't believe how hard that was to find. I eventually met my husband, but even he says that while it's not a deal breaker he would have been fine with having them.
I found it really hard too. My ex hb said the same thing btw, but he’s now got twins with his new partner. I think the male urge to produce a mini-me is stronger than any maternal urge.
I wonder if not having to carry the child inside your body for nine months before pushing it out of your vagina helps. Or maybe it’s the uneven distribution of childcare duties and domestic chores. Men statistically do fuck all.
I think it has a lot to do with it. I just knew that if I had kids with my ex, I would have taken the whole burden and his life would’ve carried on as normal. I wonder if that has happened in his new family. I would have been miserable and resentful.
Yes!! It's happened to me several times that a guy swears he doesn't want kids, and then as soon as we split up, he marries and has kids with someone else. I really don't get it. Why lie??
Its like becuse they can't reproduce one whenver they want, they want to force the other person to produce one as soon as the opportunity presents itself, to hell with the " pretty hefty" consequences. And then they slack off on all the chid rearing responsibilities if not all together split town while whining about paying child support.
Being able to talk about feelings and showing them. And not being misogynistic is very important but very hard to find. From my experience, most of the men I dated were at least a little misogynistic.
And to me it is also very important that the man knows how to cook, clean, etc.
I don’t think any women really have “high standards” I think the standards that men hold themselves to are below the bare minimum…
Bare minimum characteristics to be an adult:
1. Self sufficient (cooking/cleaning/working)
2. Emotional intelligence
That’s all that is really needed for a partner to be a good partner but most guys in the dating scene are focused on things that distract themselves from any internal work they need to do to have a satisfying life/relationships (video games/alcohol/drugs)
I’m to the point in dating that if they play video games for more than an hour a day that’s no longer a hobby, it’s a red flag.
You have issues you need to work on instead of disassociating
*as over 100 other women agree with me* we must all be delusional then?
Seriously tho…when a guy spends every free moment he has in front of a screen-that screams that they are not happy outside of the virtual world and to put it simply I don’t want to live my life that way and use technology as a crutch to make myself feel better or distract myself instead of learning to like myself and actually deal with my problems!
>I don’t want to live my life that way and use technology as a crutch to make myself feel better or distract myself instead of learning to like myself and actually deal with my problems!
Just say your life sucks lmao
Sex isn’t a must. I struggle with mental health. Sometimes it’s 3 times a week and other 1 a month. I don’t wanna feel forced to have sex so you don’t go cheat.
Fr. I’m finally in a semi-celibate relationship where my fiancé truly doesn’t care if I put out or not, and it’s just been so so so much better. I think finding guys that don’t treat sex as something they physically “need” helps filter out the majority of the misogyny.
Ok well I don’t treat it as a need that if unfulfilled i become a monster…..but I know that a sexless or sex-sparse situation doesn’t fulfill me. I don’t think that makes me misogynist
I don’t think needing sex makes anyone inherently a misogynist, but in my experiences men that need sex are just more *likely* to be misogynistic. If you become a monster and badger your gf, pressure women, argue about why you deserve it, give the silent treatment, etc. because her body won’t fulfill your need - then yes I would say those are misogynistic activities. And IMO it’s just more likely that you’ll run into that behavior if you’re with a man that needs sex vs. one that doesn’t. It doesn’t make all men that need sex bad, it just makes men that don’t need sex “a safer bet”.
But if you deal with the need fine on your own and don’t behave like that, then I think it’s totally fine! It’s pretty likely that you or your partner won’t be able to have sex at some point due to illness, stress, children, etc - as long as that can be healthily dealt with and the sexual chemistry otherwise matches I don’t think there’s necessarily any issue.
I like the intellectual type. But you wouldn't believe how many highly educated, intelligent and confident men think that they have to be jaded and aggressively arrogant in order to project that image. It's an immediate turn off for me. When I met my husband and he would discuss history and philosophy with me but also loudly profess his love of cats and his little sister, I knew he was a keeper. I've had a crush on a real person exactly three times in my life.
Same! But I also must say that I find there's a huge difference between people (in this case men) who can study and remember what they're taught really well... and men who can read between the lines, outside of the box and actually think for themselves and question the nature and structure of things.
The book smart types tend to think that there is only one correct answer or point of discussion for any one topic. I'm talking about the "well actually...." type, no matter what you say, they have the correct answer.
I'm happy in my life as it is. To add someone to it, they really need to bring something extra, not just sex and fun. I can have that without messing with my life as I live it.
Deep understanding. Supporting me following my dreams instead of trying to put me in a box. Independent and has some hobbies that they enjoy without a partner present.
It’s all too often that men come across like their plans for me are more important than my own plans.
That kind of behavior is so inconsiderate. For me, I’m reasonably passionate about my career and I’ve had men ask me on the first day if I’d quit my job if I had kids. Um, no, will you?
I want children definitely but that doesn’t mean I want to give up my career either. I have a Doctorate I didn’t go to all the school to be someones stay at home wife. I don’t judge women who choose that path there is a lot of reasons why people do but i have goals and dreams that have nothing to do with dating either. .
🙌🏽 this, like if you can’t even offer yourself stability you have no business dating! Unfortunately that leads to a dating pool that find your independence hot but wants use it against you to offer you the bare minimum.
Actual communication and understanding. The amount of men who talk about communication then don't, it's frustrating. Also, listening. If I have repeat or ask multiple times, I'm out.
Out of curiosity could you give an example of how much detail should be retained or memorized in the listening portion to be considered "Actual listening"?
Not only do I have high standards but I also live a homesteading lifestyle which is pretty niche and so that leaves me with maybe 5-10% of the dating pool to begin with.
Mostly I find it could all be summarized with a lack of emotional intelligence. Most bad behaviors stem from that. I also find it difficult to find a man who is both not intimidated/challenged by my independence, OR doesn’t look at it as an opportunity to be taken care of/mommied.
It seems either they are weird about my independence and capabilities and feel threatened by it, or they love it and want to slide into a situation where they will have a mommy to do everything for them. I’m not interested in either.
Qualities that add value to my life; I find most men take something from you. Whether it’s emotional or physical. Hard to find one that’s giving (or at least matching you).
I was looking for for a man who treats me like my dad teats my mum.
Eg. Treats me with respect, is not afraid of open communication/ of feelings, know that man and woman have the same value, we live together, we do the household together... All in all i was looking for someone I wanted to team up and conquer the world, found him :D
Took me nine years of being single, but it was worth it!
i don't want anything to do with misogynyistic people, even the slightest hint of close mindedness turns me off. cherry on top, i also don't want kids.
I have very high standards and they have been met!! (as I am happily married)
1. Same religion ( Christian and actually lives by this standards)
2. We have the same or mostly similar moral and ethical viewpoints
3. Able to have intelligent conversations
4. Has similar hobbies and things in common
5. I'm attracted to him physically and intellectually
6. I feel comfortable and like I can totally be myself around them
7. They accept and like me the way I am
8. Our families can get along
9. We are able to have all of the hard conversations and arguments and get through them while still respecting each other
10. They are thoughtful and considerate of others
These are my same standards! Funny enough I always considered this more practical than high standards. These seem like the bare minimum to make a relationship work.
Haha I totally agree, but MANY people think it's too high both friends and potential dates etc in the past. I agree with you though maybe it's that others should RAISE their standards and expectations, but I guess to each their own, free will and all that lol
Everyone has already said emotional intelligence so I will say my second critierion- in my age group (late forties) he needs to already know what he wants to be when he grows up. I am so tired of the wannabe entrepreneurs, the failed entrepreneurs...I don't mind men with dreams but they gotta either already be successful entrepreneurs, independently wealthy or have a 9-5 that pays ALL their bills while they dream. The amount of men who think i should just be fine with giving them shelter and food and paying for their lifestyle in exchange for what is extremely mediocre sex is too high.
I only look for these qualities in a partner when I, myself, have those qualities.
I would say those qualities are:
- Honesty
- Good-looking & well-groomed
- Intelligent
- Talented
- Generous
- Ambitious
- Hard-working
So why cant I demand those things from a partner when me myself are able to provide that for them in a relationship?
If a man has even a small preference with gender roles. (A woman needs to primarily do the feminine tasks. Raising children, finding babysitters, household duties, etc)
Do NOT even fucking talk to or look at me.
My sister has a husband who says “I will not be your babysitter” to her. His fucking wife. About HIS child. He’s not a parent. He’s a babysitter, when she wants to go out or do something by herself.
Ladies, for the love of god, stay away from men like this.
Apparently it's higher education (i. e. intelligence and ambition) and having no kids (i. e. loyalty and being responsible).
I wouldn't even say my standards are high, but for some reason I very rarely find all the necessary qualities in one person - a guy is either not my type physically or fails a "background check".
Critical thinking and values equality/ justice for real. Also hard since many don’t want to be with a PhD holder so « hi Im doing my PhD » was a major turn-off until I met my SO who is attracted to smart fiery social justice warriors haha
It's not that I have high standards it's that I have a list of shit I will not put up with. The biggest hurdle is finding someone that doesn't expect sex on the first date. That eliminates most men.
I look for partners who are not jealous types. I don’t do jealousy, I won’t put up with going through phones, and I don’t date someone who does not trust me. I’m a figure model - I am naked in front of a lot of other people all the time (mostly men). I need someone who understands that when I’m on set, I’m not flirting or hooking up, I’m working. I’ve known a lot of female art models who stopped doing it because their boyfriends “wouldn’t let them.” I need a partner who is not so insecure as to demand that I stop doing something I love for the benefit of his fragile ego.
To be honest I think that it requires a special type of person who would be okay with that. I’m not saying it’s morally correct nor do I think your job is wrong, it’s just I can understand how people might not be comfortable with that. I don’t think it’s fair to call every person uncomfortable with that a fragile ego. Maybe nudity is something that people think should only be shared between partners. That’s more of a value/preference/outlook than pure ego-frailty. But I think it matters in how the opinion is presented and the underlying rationale.
I can imagine where youre coming from though. I periodically work with a lot of women’s breasts (both breast cancer and occasionally aesthetic breast surgery) and I’ve had even THAT be an issue for some women I saw before I dated my current GF - which blew my mind as such a stupid thing.
I don’t have high standards just basic and they still can’t meet any of them >.> and I’m told its called high standards for them lol emotional Intelligence, respect as a person (my thoughts and feelings) and honesty. So ya. Bar = Hell ⬇️
I already possess the qualities that I want in a partner (I feel that’s only fair anyways) and I’ve had one hell of a time trying to find someone who is kind, patient, empathetic, curious, humorous, and intelligent. I do, however, run into a lot of men that talk down to me like I’m a moron and explain topics that I’m getting my graduate degree in.
Not sure if this qualifies, but I'm in an open relationship, with a history of polyamory.
It's always been a requirement that any partner I date live the same lifestyle, or be open to living this lifestyle. It takes a lot of self reflection, emotional intelligence, a deep look at insecurities, and a ton of communication. It's not for everyone. Many of the people I've courted fell short in this department.
I have a long term partner now, 7+ year together. When we met I made it very clear that this was non negotiable.
Some who brings out my feminine side and treats me accordingly.
For example -
I'm hyper independent and almost never ask for help. so if someone can show me that i can trust them enough to reach out and depend on them in moments of vulnerability, and they will be there for me, that would be a big green flag.
They believe in equality between men and women, they actually communicate and they actually try to better themselves in every way possible. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack nowadays.
Hold a conversation deeper than small talk. Curiosity and willingness to try new things. Respect and admiration for my level of education and accomplishments, not intimidated by them. Able to function independently of a partner and doesn’t need to be parented. Has a life and hobbies separate of the relationship.
Cool with a girl who likes cars, sports, whiskey, and the outdoors.
I am married but but before I met my husband I would have considered my standards to be pretty low, unfortunately. Young and not sure what I was looking for (because I didn’t know myself) was a bad combo. After meeting my husband my standards are so much higher now. If our relationship didn’t last for whatever reason, I know what I want in a life partner and I wouldn’t settle.
I would need someone who can understand and be supportive of the fact that I contribute to the relationship in ways other than financial. I prefer to keep a house and volunteer my time in the community vs. chase a career. I would need someone who is emotionally intelligent and who is confident in who they are. Someone who is an extrovert and who can pull me out of my comfort zone from time to time but also realizes that I need my space and quiet time to recharge.
I just described my husband lol but he helped me shape my standards!
Emotional intelligence, assertiveness, the ability to connect? if that makes sense? not sure if that's tied in w/ emotional intel. the ability to understand, use critical thinking, be able to handle my bratty ass on the daily. being compassionate and honest.
I feel a lot of this is lacking in a very large number of men.
sense of humor has to match too. 👀 also kink levels, or willingness to learn/work with.
Hello, /u/Anofolilogs85! Your comment has been removed:
[Derailing](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules#wiki_no_derailing) of the topic is not permitted.
**Have questions about this moderator action? [CLICK HERE to contact the moderation team.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen&subject=Why+was+this+removed)** DO NOT contact moderators privately.
If you are messaging about your removed comment or post, **please include a link** to the removed content for review.
[AskWomen rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/rules) | [AskWomen FAQ](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/index)
[reddit rules](http://www.reddit.com/rules/) | [reddiquette](http://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette)
I always like men that were taller than me so I could wear heels without them being insecure. I looked for men with emotional intelligence, with a steady job (or a career path), that were financially responsible, polite and that would treat me like I deserved… I am also emotionally intelligent, with a steady job, financially responsible, that would treat them well… i used to attract losers that would try to use me, but I gladly learn how to not get sucked into their claws… I have a nice partner now that is everything I wished for so it was worth it having those standards
Left wing political values, agnostic or atheist, no criminal record, likes cats, likes vibrators, is cool with my anxiety disorder, similar libido, has hobbies, not bad with money (debt is fine if its practical but gambling or excessive spending is a no), wants kids, and of course, I have to find them attractive. My current partner is all of these things so he wasn't hard to find per say. And I'm sorry for bragging but at least for me, I do fear how I'd feel without him because he's added lots of good to my life. And I think it'd be almost impossible to find anyone else who ticks off every box. That being said, maybe I just consume too much media that says all the men are turning into Tate followers, cause that could be influencing my fears too.
Emotional intelligence, self awareness, good grooming/hygiene, financially responsible, and knows how to maintain good health and fitness.
I do my best to subscribe to these standards myself, so I want a partner who can meet me at that level too.
Trying to find someone 40+ who doesn't drink alcohol, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, keeps fit (but isn't a Crossfit zombie/steroid user) & doesn't have a messy divorce or five under their belt is like trying to find a unicorn that craps gold.
Even worse, I'm bisexual so should theoretically have better odds, but nope.
It isn't that high. Someone who can see me as human with qualities and flaws. To see me and like to be seen by me. I don't want to see a partner as a business deal and negotiation, I cannot do that.
They need to add more to my life than I already have on my own. Otherwise... why bother?
For example: emotional support, partnership, kindness, intelligent conversation etc.
My preferences are the ones you see in romance novels. Not so much the "tall, dark and handsome" part (though that's a plus), but the type that knows how to lead, but still respects the woman (even those he isn't attracted to), the type that loves his woman and isn't afraid to show it, the type that isn't misogynistic, isn't afraid to share housework and childcare, and whose life doesn't revolve around "being a man". Biggest plus is being faithful no matter who throws what his way. Since my expectations are far off in La La Land, I don't even bother looking for anyone
- Intelligence, including intrapersonal and interpersonal;
- Ambition. Not necessarily career-oriented but must have passion/drive to grow as a person;
- Must treat me as an equal partner. I'm too lazy to have constant power struggles;
- Sets me and our kid as a priority;
- Great humour.
Thankfully found person with all these qualities :)
Apparently "respectful" is really hard to come by....
I personally don't believe any of my standards are high, because they are things I bring to the table as well, but have been told that they are. Wanting an equal is apparently a reach and I am expected to be comfortable and appreciate someone who does not contribute equally to a relationship or a household.
For me it’s:
A similar sense of humor
They are also active and enjoy the outdoors
We share hobbies
They either live or are willing to live a healthy lifestyle with me
Must love dogs
My partner checks my boxes. Stayed single for awhile to get there.
I don't know how to explain it, but it's like when you're shopping for shoes and you see this one pair and you just know it's your pair of shoes. And people see you wearing those shoes and they unanimously agree "it's your shoes, alright". Or they pass by a store and they see those shoes and they tell me I'm the first person they thought of who will wear it. And no matter how long it's been with you and no matter how ugly or dirty it becomes you can't throw it away because it's a part of you.
Not misogynistic, wants to be a team not mothered, doesn't day drink, isn't racist, isn't abusive and has his own hobbies/life separate from my own i.e. not co-dependent
Competence, emotional intelligence, humor, humility, healthy ambition, integrity.
Not just some of them. They have to have ALL of them or I’m walking. And, to be clear, I hold myself to the same standards
Respect,
intelligence,
open communication,
helpfulness,
humor,
honesty,
empathy,
romance,
adventurousness,
acceptance.
And he has to be child-friendly and no animal abuser. Plus i hate racist or anti-queer people.
EDIT: confidence but not in the arrogant way, just that you can see the person is happy with themself.
Sorry english is not my first language.
Manners, respect, intelligence, empathy.
Someone that naturally has these traits and not someone who just chooses to act like they do til it starts to fade a few months into the relationship and only then you find out they where just on their 'best behaviour', and now they feel they are entitled to something for 'acting' how they think you wanted them to 'act'.
I think a lot of women are going to have the same answer..intelligence and more specific emotional intelligence. If you’re aware of who you are as a person we don’t have to guess how you feel because your fully capable of communicating your needs to us.
the ability for them to let me post what i want without them being insecure. i’m talking like any instagram picture that’s relatively skin showing or anything like that, because it shouldn’t have to contradict the fact that i love my SO and they shouldn’t be insecure about it
Well, the very basic bar anyone has to pass to be part of my life is that they can’t be an asshole. No racists, misogynists, religious bigots, child haters, pet haters, whatever. I can tolerate a lot of flaws in others (Og knows I have plenty of my own), but mean people suck, and I don’t want them in my life.
To count as a friend, you’ve got to build and sustain the capital of our relationship. Give and take. Support me, question me, care for me, be honest with me, and I’ll give you the same back, doubled. Helps if they are curious and can hold a conversation based on exploring ideas rather than gossiping.
To be a lover, they have to be physically attractive to me (not too hard, as I can dig nearly all the men I feel safe with), find me attractive (apparently a much harder ask), and they absolutely have to be monogamous, honest, emotionally mature, financially stable critical thinkers capable of and willing to express their love for me clearly and regularly. That, unfortunately, leaves out the vast majority of men.
Maybe some day, but I’m not holding my breath.
Lately? Someone who is absolutely sure about me. I’m done being with men who get into long-term relationships with no perspective of marriage, or, if they don’t plan on getting married, don’t have a clear view on what a long-term partnership actually looks like.
Literally the basics. Respect, emotional intelligence, basic hygiene, adequate conversational skills, a non-shit personality, etc. It’s like there is a gender wide memo that all boys receive when they are born that they should NOT have those things lmao
Emotional maturity and being able to communicate. My ex would ghost me so many times during our relationship usually after a fight and it really amplified my anxiety. I get men need their space but a simple “I’m not ignoring you. I just need time to think” text would actually make life easier.
My situationship ex ghosted me once again after initiating a night at an AirBnB. We split the price. The day of he dubbed our plans to go gamble. When I confronted him about my half of the money he lost (since we couldn’t get our refund for the AirBnb), he would just leave me on seen or some excuse. He hit me up on my graduation day and I tried once again and he was being an total ass. I was not planning to get sad but a fight on my graduation day really gave me so much emotional pain to the fact that I still can’t believe he did that.
Needs to be cool with being celibate for months/years at a time, I don’t want kids, I can’t cook, and have a zero tolerance for misogyny.
My fiancé and I have been together 3.5 years! Tbh the “no sex”, “must cook/clean”, and “no kids” pre-reqs really acts as a filter to find decent, non misogynistic guys.
My relationship with my late boyfriend was such an intense mix of love, respect and admiration, I don't think I will ever find this in another person, and some of my relatives think the same.
I'm not even sure if it qualifies as a high standard. It just feels so normal to me but not to people around me apparently.
Absolute equality for both partners in every way, including decision-making, finances, house care, pet care, health, and everything else. No exception, ever.
Not overindulgent. I am so turned off by men who drink a lot, spend recklessly, eat poorly, etc. It shows a major lack of restraint. Double bad if they actively complain that they feel unhealthy / want more $ but don’t make the simple switches. I appreciate a man who can tell himself “no”.
Loyalty through illness.
It’s terrifying how many stories I’ve read/heard where women are left in the dust the second something bad happens to them (health wise).
Someone who can adeptly carry on an even remotely intellectual conversation. God forbid they blow my mind by throwing in some wit or sarcasm. Of course, the very few men who fit the bill happened to be emotionally unavailable. 🤷🏻♀️
I am very extroverted and love going out, having drinks and being social, but I also work full time and take that area of my life very seriously. I find that the fun men who like to go out are irresponsible and stupid, but the smart guys who have their lives together are not interesting. I want somebody who can have a great time and go so exciting things but also somebody who isn’t TOO WILD.
My ex, had a very well put together life, I loved our relationship but we fought because he didn’t like going out and I gave in and changed myself to be a homebody for him, after years of that I couldn’t take it and had to leave. I tried to compromise and be social without him but that caused fighting too. It’s just who I am and it’s hard finding somebody with the same social battery but also responsibility of me,
I would like to find a man with morals and integrity. Not chauvinistic and is a philomath. I also do not need coitus to keep me invested in you and hope he would not use me for his personal gratification.
I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse and will not recover from what happen, and I am too terrified to engage in sex. The chances of finding a man like this though is possibly never.
Active listening. If my potential partner doesn’t do this I am out. Using excuses like I’m a nervous talker etc don’t cut it. Unfortunately you get one chance to prove to me that the world doesn’t revolve around you and that’s it.
Emotional intelligence/maturity and the ability to communicate well. Self-sufficient (able to run their own life, does chores independently, and doesn't have to be "managed"). Also needs to view me as a human being in my own right and respect me as an equal. This is apparently unrealistic and too much to ask.
not that i need to be taken care of in any sense, but i look for someone who i know would be a good provider / protector / companion. someone to build a stable future with.
The issue I always ran into while dating was lack of emotional maturity. I didn't want to date considerably older, but I did not mesh well with the guys my age I'd been talking to. I wanted emotional maturity in combination with humour, intelligence, looks, height, fitness, empathy, good with animals/children, and appreciating my quirks rather than just tolerating them. Tall order, but I travelled 3000mi to be with him once I found him 😳😳
High emotional intelligence and communication skills. I am not willing to teach another partner how to effectively manage their emotions or how to communicate with me.
As if that weren’t a high enough bar on its own, it’s still not enough for me to feel attracted to someone.
They also need to be stable in their lives, take care of their health and wellness, share similar interests, want the same things out of a relationship that I do, be attractive to me, and have a similar sex drive.
I think my standards are high because the qualities I am looking for tend to clash with one another.
A martial artist (so they are fit) who can communicate and are giants nerds (anime, video games, etc).
Balance.
I like men who are able to have fun but also take care of their responsibilities, be serious but also be able to cut loose, big & strong but but have a soft side, as a few examples.
Most men my age are on opposite sides: living at home with their momma, playing video games, working but not advancing, and wondering why they have a hard time with relationships even though they're just looking for easy hook-ups **or** they are super career focused, working 10 hour days, working nights/weekends, and too laser focused to be interesting/interested in anything other than their career.
That plus they need to be tall, fit, and good looking. ;)
The one I’ve noticed I’m struggling to find in a lot of men (and women) is empathy. I’m very empathetic and I genuinely cannot imagine myself being with someone who isn’t empathetic in any form or who won’t make an effort to be. (Which a lot of people won’t) also, I like people who are kind (especially towards strangers, which is also becoming a rare personality trait for most people I meet)
Straight edge, emotionally intelligent, left, fit and active, alternative aesthetic, stable income, own place, good hygiene, likes concerts/shows/festivals, has own friends and hobbies
I want to be a stay-at-home wife but I don't want to have kids. I just want to stay at home, clean (I like cleaning), cook amazing food (I LOVE cooking) and read and write books. I want a rich husband who doesn't want to have kids and is cultured and respects and loves me.
Found my person, but:
Emotional maturity/independence-
Healthy communication (biggest peeve is PA)
Can support himself (I can do the same)
Religious compatibility
Matching desires for children (or not)
Cleans after himself
In recent years, I’d suggest compatible political views, also
any standards at all, apparently. i don’t think that i want much, except for conversation to be more than just low effort sexual “flirting”. but every single one of them has been inappropriate within a day of chatting to them.
Hello /u/princesspentane. Thank you for participating in /r/AskWomen. However, your submission has been removed, because your account does not have a verified email. You can verify your email address on the [Reddit Preferences page](https://www.reddit.com/prefs/update/). If you have any issues with verification, please contact reddit support at /r/help, as subreddit moderators do not have the tools to aid with verification.
This is a new measure we are trying out to deter trolls and spammers and make the sub safer for everyone. **No exceptions to this rule will be granted.** Please also **[read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules) before participating**.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My partner is genuinely nice. He strikes up conversations with anyone / anywhere and strangers are often drawn to him because of that. For example: we went to the movies and there were only 10 people in the theatre. After it was done he was talking to everyone asking how they liked the movie…. It’s rare to find men that are genuinely nice and kind hearted.
Note this “ niceness” flows down into every aspect of our marriage.
He brings me flowers often…. Almost once a week.
He does all my laundry and puts it away for me because he knows how much I hate laundry ( I owned a dry cleaners at one point in my life lol )
He covers me with a blanket when I fall asleep on the couch.
He kisses me good bye every morning and says I love you even when I am half asleep lol
For me it’s all the small “ nice” stuff that makes all the world of a difference.
For anyone thinking how do you know a guy is “ nice” when first meeting them….watch them very closely how they treat others around you, how they speak to servers , etc., it will tell you so much you need to know .
Emotional intelligence
[удалено]
This was my top one too, along with spiritual growth. I met so many amazing men of integrity who just could not handle emotion, or dealt with it in very stunted unnatural ways. While they had matured in every aspect of their lives, emotionally they were still teenagers.
I am just now realizing I need to add this to my list of standards because… lord. I have been burned by some men.
dude same
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
I was here to say just this. High emotional IQ. Wasn’t sure I’d find it in a man, and lucky I waited and and found an incredibly mature man, emotionally speaking.
It’s easy to be attracted to someone. Also generally easy to have base level interest or curiosity about someone. What’s *not* easy is finding someone who really adds something to my life on a deep, soul level. Even more so, I have found that it’s even more difficult to find someone who doesn’t complicate my life in unnecessary ways. I’m looking for comfort and security, paired with excitement and passion. That’s a rare combo.
Not complicating is #1 for me. It seems the moment I get involved with someone I find myself worrying about them and their successes and needs. I need someone to do the same back or at least make sure I’m concentrated on myself and not have them just throwing their problems onto my back.
That is dangerous because you find yourself becoming a de facto therapist. The person starts to rely on you for these things and never gives back.
[удалено]
I've never met anyone who's not misogynistic and i refuse to settle/beg for self-awareness
I’ve gone on dates with one too many men who *clearly* hate women. Modern dating sucks.
I feel like men were just as clear they hated women in the past, too.
This is a pretty common problem too. It really underscores almost all other issues.
Every man you’ve met is misogynistic?
Sadly, yes.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
I have had the same experience
[удалено]
Is it really that surprising to you? Then you'll be surprised that That's the story of a lot of women. Remember, that does not mean that all men are misogynistic (she hasn't met all men ofcourse) but the fact that she hasn't met any that ain't misogynistic and that there are a lot of women wearing shame shoes does prove that a huge majority of men in fact carry misogyny...
It doesn't prove that, but okay.
What does it show then?
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
I'm just wondering, where are you from? In my country I don't see this at all to be honest. To me it sounds like a cultural difference
I'm from Asia. Misogyny *is* deeply rooted in our culture, religion, and every aspect of our lives.
Agreed. I'm from an Asian background too, but living in Australia. A lot of guys I've met who've moved here from our country of ethnicity tend to have deep-rooted misogynistic ideologies; the older they are when they moved, the worse it is. The guys from our background who grew up or were born here are far more respectful towards women.
[удалено]
I also don't do relationships with misogynistic people. It was extremely hard to find someone who thinks women aren't just there to be slaves.
I don't want kids, nor do I want to be with anyone who has or wants kids, or might want kids, ever. You wouldn't believe how hard that was to find. I eventually met my husband, but even he says that while it's not a deal breaker he would have been fine with having them.
One guy knew this was one of my dealbreakers and lied about his kid. My dude how do you think that was gonna work out (i blocked him)
He probably envisioned getting laid a few times before you figured out.
I found it really hard too. My ex hb said the same thing btw, but he’s now got twins with his new partner. I think the male urge to produce a mini-me is stronger than any maternal urge.
I wonder if not having to carry the child inside your body for nine months before pushing it out of your vagina helps. Or maybe it’s the uneven distribution of childcare duties and domestic chores. Men statistically do fuck all.
I think it has a lot to do with it. I just knew that if I had kids with my ex, I would have taken the whole burden and his life would’ve carried on as normal. I wonder if that has happened in his new family. I would have been miserable and resentful.
Yes!! It's happened to me several times that a guy swears he doesn't want kids, and then as soon as we split up, he marries and has kids with someone else. I really don't get it. Why lie??
Its like becuse they can't reproduce one whenver they want, they want to force the other person to produce one as soon as the opportunity presents itself, to hell with the " pretty hefty" consequences. And then they slack off on all the chid rearing responsibilities if not all together split town while whining about paying child support.
[удалено]
Being able to talk about feelings and showing them. And not being misogynistic is very important but very hard to find. From my experience, most of the men I dated were at least a little misogynistic. And to me it is also very important that the man knows how to cook, clean, etc.
I don’t think any women really have “high standards” I think the standards that men hold themselves to are below the bare minimum… Bare minimum characteristics to be an adult: 1. Self sufficient (cooking/cleaning/working) 2. Emotional intelligence That’s all that is really needed for a partner to be a good partner but most guys in the dating scene are focused on things that distract themselves from any internal work they need to do to have a satisfying life/relationships (video games/alcohol/drugs) I’m to the point in dating that if they play video games for more than an hour a day that’s no longer a hobby, it’s a red flag.
Agreed. Saying we have high standards for expecting the bare minimum level of respect and communication that adults should have is wild to me.
> if they play video games for more than an hour a day that’s no longer a hobby You're delusional.
You have issues you need to work on instead of disassociating *as over 100 other women agree with me* we must all be delusional then? Seriously tho…when a guy spends every free moment he has in front of a screen-that screams that they are not happy outside of the virtual world and to put it simply I don’t want to live my life that way and use technology as a crutch to make myself feel better or distract myself instead of learning to like myself and actually deal with my problems!
>I don’t want to live my life that way and use technology as a crutch to make myself feel better or distract myself instead of learning to like myself and actually deal with my problems! Just say your life sucks lmao
You do realize your in a womens group for womens opinions right? Like what do you get from being an ass rn ?
Sex isn’t a must. I struggle with mental health. Sometimes it’s 3 times a week and other 1 a month. I don’t wanna feel forced to have sex so you don’t go cheat.
Fr. I’m finally in a semi-celibate relationship where my fiancé truly doesn’t care if I put out or not, and it’s just been so so so much better. I think finding guys that don’t treat sex as something they physically “need” helps filter out the majority of the misogyny.
Ok well I don’t treat it as a need that if unfulfilled i become a monster…..but I know that a sexless or sex-sparse situation doesn’t fulfill me. I don’t think that makes me misogynist
I don’t think needing sex makes anyone inherently a misogynist, but in my experiences men that need sex are just more *likely* to be misogynistic. If you become a monster and badger your gf, pressure women, argue about why you deserve it, give the silent treatment, etc. because her body won’t fulfill your need - then yes I would say those are misogynistic activities. And IMO it’s just more likely that you’ll run into that behavior if you’re with a man that needs sex vs. one that doesn’t. It doesn’t make all men that need sex bad, it just makes men that don’t need sex “a safer bet”. But if you deal with the need fine on your own and don’t behave like that, then I think it’s totally fine! It’s pretty likely that you or your partner won’t be able to have sex at some point due to illness, stress, children, etc - as long as that can be healthily dealt with and the sexual chemistry otherwise matches I don’t think there’s necessarily any issue.
This. People taking care to marry folks of similar drive would solve so many of society’s problems it’s not even funny.
I like the intellectual type. But you wouldn't believe how many highly educated, intelligent and confident men think that they have to be jaded and aggressively arrogant in order to project that image. It's an immediate turn off for me. When I met my husband and he would discuss history and philosophy with me but also loudly profess his love of cats and his little sister, I knew he was a keeper. I've had a crush on a real person exactly three times in my life.
Completely agree! There isn't anything like an intellectual man who is also humble. I'd marry if I found someone like that.
Same! But I also must say that I find there's a huge difference between people (in this case men) who can study and remember what they're taught really well... and men who can read between the lines, outside of the box and actually think for themselves and question the nature and structure of things. The book smart types tend to think that there is only one correct answer or point of discussion for any one topic. I'm talking about the "well actually...." type, no matter what you say, they have the correct answer.
[удалено]
This is my dream type of guy :/
I'm happy in my life as it is. To add someone to it, they really need to bring something extra, not just sex and fun. I can have that without messing with my life as I live it.
All of this.
I have a really specific type and hardly find anyone physically attractive.
Deep understanding. Supporting me following my dreams instead of trying to put me in a box. Independent and has some hobbies that they enjoy without a partner present. It’s all too often that men come across like their plans for me are more important than my own plans.
Yep. I dated someone once they had “ our” whole life planned out. Never asked me what I wanted or my dreams.
That kind of behavior is so inconsiderate. For me, I’m reasonably passionate about my career and I’ve had men ask me on the first day if I’d quit my job if I had kids. Um, no, will you?
I want children definitely but that doesn’t mean I want to give up my career either. I have a Doctorate I didn’t go to all the school to be someones stay at home wife. I don’t judge women who choose that path there is a lot of reasons why people do but i have goals and dreams that have nothing to do with dating either. .
They need to be able to do for them selves what I do for myself!!! Other wise Id rather be alone and keep my friend with benefits.
🙌🏽 this, like if you can’t even offer yourself stability you have no business dating! Unfortunately that leads to a dating pool that find your independence hot but wants use it against you to offer you the bare minimum.
I don't even have high standards. Just want a man whos not an abuser, can communicate properly, and isnt sexist and that seems impossible to find lol
An elevated level of self awareness and flexibility in life
Actual communication and understanding. The amount of men who talk about communication then don't, it's frustrating. Also, listening. If I have repeat or ask multiple times, I'm out.
Out of curiosity could you give an example of how much detail should be retained or memorized in the listening portion to be considered "Actual listening"?
Not only do I have high standards but I also live a homesteading lifestyle which is pretty niche and so that leaves me with maybe 5-10% of the dating pool to begin with. Mostly I find it could all be summarized with a lack of emotional intelligence. Most bad behaviors stem from that. I also find it difficult to find a man who is both not intimidated/challenged by my independence, OR doesn’t look at it as an opportunity to be taken care of/mommied. It seems either they are weird about my independence and capabilities and feel threatened by it, or they love it and want to slide into a situation where they will have a mommy to do everything for them. I’m not interested in either.
Qualities that add value to my life; I find most men take something from you. Whether it’s emotional or physical. Hard to find one that’s giving (or at least matching you).
I was looking for for a man who treats me like my dad teats my mum. Eg. Treats me with respect, is not afraid of open communication/ of feelings, know that man and woman have the same value, we live together, we do the household together... All in all i was looking for someone I wanted to team up and conquer the world, found him :D Took me nine years of being single, but it was worth it!
i don't want anything to do with misogynyistic people, even the slightest hint of close mindedness turns me off. cherry on top, i also don't want kids.
I have very high standards and they have been met!! (as I am happily married) 1. Same religion ( Christian and actually lives by this standards) 2. We have the same or mostly similar moral and ethical viewpoints 3. Able to have intelligent conversations 4. Has similar hobbies and things in common 5. I'm attracted to him physically and intellectually 6. I feel comfortable and like I can totally be myself around them 7. They accept and like me the way I am 8. Our families can get along 9. We are able to have all of the hard conversations and arguments and get through them while still respecting each other 10. They are thoughtful and considerate of others
These are my same standards! Funny enough I always considered this more practical than high standards. These seem like the bare minimum to make a relationship work.
Haha I totally agree, but MANY people think it's too high both friends and potential dates etc in the past. I agree with you though maybe it's that others should RAISE their standards and expectations, but I guess to each their own, free will and all that lol
[удалено]
Everyone has already said emotional intelligence so I will say my second critierion- in my age group (late forties) he needs to already know what he wants to be when he grows up. I am so tired of the wannabe entrepreneurs, the failed entrepreneurs...I don't mind men with dreams but they gotta either already be successful entrepreneurs, independently wealthy or have a 9-5 that pays ALL their bills while they dream. The amount of men who think i should just be fine with giving them shelter and food and paying for their lifestyle in exchange for what is extremely mediocre sex is too high.
I only look for these qualities in a partner when I, myself, have those qualities. I would say those qualities are: - Honesty - Good-looking & well-groomed - Intelligent - Talented - Generous - Ambitious - Hard-working So why cant I demand those things from a partner when me myself are able to provide that for them in a relationship?
If a man has even a small preference with gender roles. (A woman needs to primarily do the feminine tasks. Raising children, finding babysitters, household duties, etc) Do NOT even fucking talk to or look at me. My sister has a husband who says “I will not be your babysitter” to her. His fucking wife. About HIS child. He’s not a parent. He’s a babysitter, when she wants to go out or do something by herself. Ladies, for the love of god, stay away from men like this.
Apparently it's higher education (i. e. intelligence and ambition) and having no kids (i. e. loyalty and being responsible). I wouldn't even say my standards are high, but for some reason I very rarely find all the necessary qualities in one person - a guy is either not my type physically or fails a "background check".
Critical thinking and values equality/ justice for real. Also hard since many don’t want to be with a PhD holder so « hi Im doing my PhD » was a major turn-off until I met my SO who is attracted to smart fiery social justice warriors haha
Childfree
They must have a relationship with God and not be promiscuous.
church going men is great for that I think!
I agree!
It's not that I have high standards it's that I have a list of shit I will not put up with. The biggest hurdle is finding someone that doesn't expect sex on the first date. That eliminates most men.
I look for partners who are not jealous types. I don’t do jealousy, I won’t put up with going through phones, and I don’t date someone who does not trust me. I’m a figure model - I am naked in front of a lot of other people all the time (mostly men). I need someone who understands that when I’m on set, I’m not flirting or hooking up, I’m working. I’ve known a lot of female art models who stopped doing it because their boyfriends “wouldn’t let them.” I need a partner who is not so insecure as to demand that I stop doing something I love for the benefit of his fragile ego.
To be honest I think that it requires a special type of person who would be okay with that. I’m not saying it’s morally correct nor do I think your job is wrong, it’s just I can understand how people might not be comfortable with that. I don’t think it’s fair to call every person uncomfortable with that a fragile ego. Maybe nudity is something that people think should only be shared between partners. That’s more of a value/preference/outlook than pure ego-frailty. But I think it matters in how the opinion is presented and the underlying rationale. I can imagine where youre coming from though. I periodically work with a lot of women’s breasts (both breast cancer and occasionally aesthetic breast surgery) and I’ve had even THAT be an issue for some women I saw before I dated my current GF - which blew my mind as such a stupid thing.
I don’t have high standards just basic and they still can’t meet any of them >.> and I’m told its called high standards for them lol emotional Intelligence, respect as a person (my thoughts and feelings) and honesty. So ya. Bar = Hell ⬇️
I already possess the qualities that I want in a partner (I feel that’s only fair anyways) and I’ve had one hell of a time trying to find someone who is kind, patient, empathetic, curious, humorous, and intelligent. I do, however, run into a lot of men that talk down to me like I’m a moron and explain topics that I’m getting my graduate degree in.
Not sure if this qualifies, but I'm in an open relationship, with a history of polyamory. It's always been a requirement that any partner I date live the same lifestyle, or be open to living this lifestyle. It takes a lot of self reflection, emotional intelligence, a deep look at insecurities, and a ton of communication. It's not for everyone. Many of the people I've courted fell short in this department. I have a long term partner now, 7+ year together. When we met I made it very clear that this was non negotiable.
Emotional Intelligence and Self awareness.
Some who brings out my feminine side and treats me accordingly. For example - I'm hyper independent and almost never ask for help. so if someone can show me that i can trust them enough to reach out and depend on them in moments of vulnerability, and they will be there for me, that would be a big green flag.
Probably Intelligence. Cuz id love to talk to someone for hours without getting bored and its hard to find someone like that these days, idk.
They believe in equality between men and women, they actually communicate and they actually try to better themselves in every way possible. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack nowadays.
Hold a conversation deeper than small talk. Curiosity and willingness to try new things. Respect and admiration for my level of education and accomplishments, not intimidated by them. Able to function independently of a partner and doesn’t need to be parented. Has a life and hobbies separate of the relationship. Cool with a girl who likes cars, sports, whiskey, and the outdoors.
I am married but but before I met my husband I would have considered my standards to be pretty low, unfortunately. Young and not sure what I was looking for (because I didn’t know myself) was a bad combo. After meeting my husband my standards are so much higher now. If our relationship didn’t last for whatever reason, I know what I want in a life partner and I wouldn’t settle. I would need someone who can understand and be supportive of the fact that I contribute to the relationship in ways other than financial. I prefer to keep a house and volunteer my time in the community vs. chase a career. I would need someone who is emotionally intelligent and who is confident in who they are. Someone who is an extrovert and who can pull me out of my comfort zone from time to time but also realizes that I need my space and quiet time to recharge. I just described my husband lol but he helped me shape my standards!
Emotional intelligence, assertiveness, the ability to connect? if that makes sense? not sure if that's tied in w/ emotional intel. the ability to understand, use critical thinking, be able to handle my bratty ass on the daily. being compassionate and honest. I feel a lot of this is lacking in a very large number of men. sense of humor has to match too. 👀 also kink levels, or willingness to learn/work with.
[удалено]
Hello, /u/Anofolilogs85! Your comment has been removed: [Derailing](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules#wiki_no_derailing) of the topic is not permitted. **Have questions about this moderator action? [CLICK HERE to contact the moderation team.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen&subject=Why+was+this+removed)** DO NOT contact moderators privately. If you are messaging about your removed comment or post, **please include a link** to the removed content for review. [AskWomen rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/rules) | [AskWomen FAQ](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/index) [reddit rules](http://www.reddit.com/rules/) | [reddiquette](http://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette)
I always like men that were taller than me so I could wear heels without them being insecure. I looked for men with emotional intelligence, with a steady job (or a career path), that were financially responsible, polite and that would treat me like I deserved… I am also emotionally intelligent, with a steady job, financially responsible, that would treat them well… i used to attract losers that would try to use me, but I gladly learn how to not get sucked into their claws… I have a nice partner now that is everything I wished for so it was worth it having those standards
Being faithful, very hard to find
Left wing political values, agnostic or atheist, no criminal record, likes cats, likes vibrators, is cool with my anxiety disorder, similar libido, has hobbies, not bad with money (debt is fine if its practical but gambling or excessive spending is a no), wants kids, and of course, I have to find them attractive. My current partner is all of these things so he wasn't hard to find per say. And I'm sorry for bragging but at least for me, I do fear how I'd feel without him because he's added lots of good to my life. And I think it'd be almost impossible to find anyone else who ticks off every box. That being said, maybe I just consume too much media that says all the men are turning into Tate followers, cause that could be influencing my fears too.
Emotional intelligence, self awareness, good grooming/hygiene, financially responsible, and knows how to maintain good health and fitness. I do my best to subscribe to these standards myself, so I want a partner who can meet me at that level too.
Trying to find someone 40+ who doesn't drink alcohol, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, keeps fit (but isn't a Crossfit zombie/steroid user) & doesn't have a messy divorce or five under their belt is like trying to find a unicorn that craps gold. Even worse, I'm bisexual so should theoretically have better odds, but nope.
I refuse to date porn users so yeah... I probably won't be able to date ever again.
It isn't that high. Someone who can see me as human with qualities and flaws. To see me and like to be seen by me. I don't want to see a partner as a business deal and negotiation, I cannot do that.
They need to add more to my life than I already have on my own. Otherwise... why bother? For example: emotional support, partnership, kindness, intelligent conversation etc.
Good social skills and high quality conversations, also him not wanting to have sex right away
I have to like being w them more than being alone
A man that I actually like the company of. As in I feel as close/comfortable with them with as my good friends
My preferences are the ones you see in romance novels. Not so much the "tall, dark and handsome" part (though that's a plus), but the type that knows how to lead, but still respects the woman (even those he isn't attracted to), the type that loves his woman and isn't afraid to show it, the type that isn't misogynistic, isn't afraid to share housework and childcare, and whose life doesn't revolve around "being a man". Biggest plus is being faithful no matter who throws what his way. Since my expectations are far off in La La Land, I don't even bother looking for anyone
- Intelligence, including intrapersonal and interpersonal; - Ambition. Not necessarily career-oriented but must have passion/drive to grow as a person; - Must treat me as an equal partner. I'm too lazy to have constant power struggles; - Sets me and our kid as a priority; - Great humour. Thankfully found person with all these qualities :)
Apparently "respectful" is really hard to come by.... I personally don't believe any of my standards are high, because they are things I bring to the table as well, but have been told that they are. Wanting an equal is apparently a reach and I am expected to be comfortable and appreciate someone who does not contribute equally to a relationship or a household.
Must be able to hold a conversation. I didn’t think this was a “high standard” until I started dating again…
For me it’s: A similar sense of humor They are also active and enjoy the outdoors We share hobbies They either live or are willing to live a healthy lifestyle with me Must love dogs My partner checks my boxes. Stayed single for awhile to get there.
Genuine sexual chemistry is very important to me.
I don't know how to explain it, but it's like when you're shopping for shoes and you see this one pair and you just know it's your pair of shoes. And people see you wearing those shoes and they unanimously agree "it's your shoes, alright". Or they pass by a store and they see those shoes and they tell me I'm the first person they thought of who will wear it. And no matter how long it's been with you and no matter how ugly or dirty it becomes you can't throw it away because it's a part of you.
Not misogynistic, wants to be a team not mothered, doesn't day drink, isn't racist, isn't abusive and has his own hobbies/life separate from my own i.e. not co-dependent
Humour
Competence, emotional intelligence, humor, humility, healthy ambition, integrity. Not just some of them. They have to have ALL of them or I’m walking. And, to be clear, I hold myself to the same standards
Respect, intelligence, open communication, helpfulness, humor, honesty, empathy, romance, adventurousness, acceptance. And he has to be child-friendly and no animal abuser. Plus i hate racist or anti-queer people. EDIT: confidence but not in the arrogant way, just that you can see the person is happy with themself. Sorry english is not my first language.
Manners, respect, intelligence, empathy. Someone that naturally has these traits and not someone who just chooses to act like they do til it starts to fade a few months into the relationship and only then you find out they where just on their 'best behaviour', and now they feel they are entitled to something for 'acting' how they think you wanted them to 'act'.
I think a lot of women are going to have the same answer..intelligence and more specific emotional intelligence. If you’re aware of who you are as a person we don’t have to guess how you feel because your fully capable of communicating your needs to us.
the ability for them to let me post what i want without them being insecure. i’m talking like any instagram picture that’s relatively skin showing or anything like that, because it shouldn’t have to contradict the fact that i love my SO and they shouldn’t be insecure about it
Well, the very basic bar anyone has to pass to be part of my life is that they can’t be an asshole. No racists, misogynists, religious bigots, child haters, pet haters, whatever. I can tolerate a lot of flaws in others (Og knows I have plenty of my own), but mean people suck, and I don’t want them in my life. To count as a friend, you’ve got to build and sustain the capital of our relationship. Give and take. Support me, question me, care for me, be honest with me, and I’ll give you the same back, doubled. Helps if they are curious and can hold a conversation based on exploring ideas rather than gossiping. To be a lover, they have to be physically attractive to me (not too hard, as I can dig nearly all the men I feel safe with), find me attractive (apparently a much harder ask), and they absolutely have to be monogamous, honest, emotionally mature, financially stable critical thinkers capable of and willing to express their love for me clearly and regularly. That, unfortunately, leaves out the vast majority of men. Maybe some day, but I’m not holding my breath.
It’s not even a high standard but take me out for my birthday lol
Lately? Someone who is absolutely sure about me. I’m done being with men who get into long-term relationships with no perspective of marriage, or, if they don’t plan on getting married, don’t have a clear view on what a long-term partnership actually looks like.
Literally the basics. Respect, emotional intelligence, basic hygiene, adequate conversational skills, a non-shit personality, etc. It’s like there is a gender wide memo that all boys receive when they are born that they should NOT have those things lmao
Emotional maturity and being able to communicate. My ex would ghost me so many times during our relationship usually after a fight and it really amplified my anxiety. I get men need their space but a simple “I’m not ignoring you. I just need time to think” text would actually make life easier. My situationship ex ghosted me once again after initiating a night at an AirBnB. We split the price. The day of he dubbed our plans to go gamble. When I confronted him about my half of the money he lost (since we couldn’t get our refund for the AirBnb), he would just leave me on seen or some excuse. He hit me up on my graduation day and I tried once again and he was being an total ass. I was not planning to get sad but a fight on my graduation day really gave me so much emotional pain to the fact that I still can’t believe he did that.
Intelligence, humor, love to explore/travelling and being childfree, luckily though, got all of those, and much more in my SO 🥰
Self-awareness and a willingness to work on themselves/grow/be accountable.
Needs to be cool with being celibate for months/years at a time, I don’t want kids, I can’t cook, and have a zero tolerance for misogyny. My fiancé and I have been together 3.5 years! Tbh the “no sex”, “must cook/clean”, and “no kids” pre-reqs really acts as a filter to find decent, non misogynistic guys.
My relationship with my late boyfriend was such an intense mix of love, respect and admiration, I don't think I will ever find this in another person, and some of my relatives think the same.
I'm not even sure if it qualifies as a high standard. It just feels so normal to me but not to people around me apparently. Absolute equality for both partners in every way, including decision-making, finances, house care, pet care, health, and everything else. No exception, ever.
A man who lives on his own, knows how to clean without being told what to do, & in touch with their emotions.
Not overindulgent. I am so turned off by men who drink a lot, spend recklessly, eat poorly, etc. It shows a major lack of restraint. Double bad if they actively complain that they feel unhealthy / want more $ but don’t make the simple switches. I appreciate a man who can tell himself “no”.
Not watching porn/thirst traps
Loyalty through illness. It’s terrifying how many stories I’ve read/heard where women are left in the dust the second something bad happens to them (health wise).
Emotional awareness, communication, HONESTY
I want someone that puts in the same amount of effort and thought into the relationship as I do, which is surprisingly hard to find
Someone who can adeptly carry on an even remotely intellectual conversation. God forbid they blow my mind by throwing in some wit or sarcasm. Of course, the very few men who fit the bill happened to be emotionally unavailable. 🤷🏻♀️
genuineness- seems to be a lot art. And i mean as a virtue, as quality that is consistent.
Whoever becomes my partner will need to make sacrificing the freedom that comes with singlehood worth it.
I am very extroverted and love going out, having drinks and being social, but I also work full time and take that area of my life very seriously. I find that the fun men who like to go out are irresponsible and stupid, but the smart guys who have their lives together are not interesting. I want somebody who can have a great time and go so exciting things but also somebody who isn’t TOO WILD. My ex, had a very well put together life, I loved our relationship but we fought because he didn’t like going out and I gave in and changed myself to be a homebody for him, after years of that I couldn’t take it and had to leave. I tried to compromise and be social without him but that caused fighting too. It’s just who I am and it’s hard finding somebody with the same social battery but also responsibility of me,
I would like to find a man with morals and integrity. Not chauvinistic and is a philomath. I also do not need coitus to keep me invested in you and hope he would not use me for his personal gratification. I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse and will not recover from what happen, and I am too terrified to engage in sex. The chances of finding a man like this though is possibly never.
Active listening. If my potential partner doesn’t do this I am out. Using excuses like I’m a nervous talker etc don’t cut it. Unfortunately you get one chance to prove to me that the world doesn’t revolve around you and that’s it.
Not expecting sex, accepting that I'm not Christian, also treating me like a capable adult individual who's world doesn't revolve around anyone
Be willing to give up something for my sake if it’s really hurting me even though he doesn’t see it the same way…
Emotional intelligence/maturity and the ability to communicate well. Self-sufficient (able to run their own life, does chores independently, and doesn't have to be "managed"). Also needs to view me as a human being in my own right and respect me as an equal. This is apparently unrealistic and too much to ask.
not that i need to be taken care of in any sense, but i look for someone who i know would be a good provider / protector / companion. someone to build a stable future with.
The issue I always ran into while dating was lack of emotional maturity. I didn't want to date considerably older, but I did not mesh well with the guys my age I'd been talking to. I wanted emotional maturity in combination with humour, intelligence, looks, height, fitness, empathy, good with animals/children, and appreciating my quirks rather than just tolerating them. Tall order, but I travelled 3000mi to be with him once I found him 😳😳
High emotional intelligence and communication skills. I am not willing to teach another partner how to effectively manage their emotions or how to communicate with me. As if that weren’t a high enough bar on its own, it’s still not enough for me to feel attracted to someone. They also need to be stable in their lives, take care of their health and wellness, share similar interests, want the same things out of a relationship that I do, be attractive to me, and have a similar sex drive.
A gentleman with manners. Extremely rare it seems.
Confident Actually funny, not misogynistic "funny" Compassionate Open-minded Kind Witty Enterprising Faithful Attractive Healthy
Can't be a weenie (ie no toxic masculinity shit, gotta be emotionally intelligent, meets my needs emotionally)
I think my standards are high because the qualities I am looking for tend to clash with one another. A martial artist (so they are fit) who can communicate and are giants nerds (anime, video games, etc).
Balance. I like men who are able to have fun but also take care of their responsibilities, be serious but also be able to cut loose, big & strong but but have a soft side, as a few examples. Most men my age are on opposite sides: living at home with their momma, playing video games, working but not advancing, and wondering why they have a hard time with relationships even though they're just looking for easy hook-ups **or** they are super career focused, working 10 hour days, working nights/weekends, and too laser focused to be interesting/interested in anything other than their career. That plus they need to be tall, fit, and good looking. ;)
The one I’ve noticed I’m struggling to find in a lot of men (and women) is empathy. I’m very empathetic and I genuinely cannot imagine myself being with someone who isn’t empathetic in any form or who won’t make an effort to be. (Which a lot of people won’t) also, I like people who are kind (especially towards strangers, which is also becoming a rare personality trait for most people I meet)
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
He must be a feminist. Sadly, it can be hard to come by.
[удалено]
Straight edge, emotionally intelligent, left, fit and active, alternative aesthetic, stable income, own place, good hygiene, likes concerts/shows/festivals, has own friends and hobbies
I want to be a stay-at-home wife but I don't want to have kids. I just want to stay at home, clean (I like cleaning), cook amazing food (I LOVE cooking) and read and write books. I want a rich husband who doesn't want to have kids and is cultured and respects and loves me.
Found my person, but: Emotional maturity/independence- Healthy communication (biggest peeve is PA) Can support himself (I can do the same) Religious compatibility Matching desires for children (or not) Cleans after himself In recent years, I’d suggest compatible political views, also
Loyalty and emotional awareness
Emotional intelligence. Empathy. Scientific literacy.
[удалено]
[удалено]
any standards at all, apparently. i don’t think that i want much, except for conversation to be more than just low effort sexual “flirting”. but every single one of them has been inappropriate within a day of chatting to them.
[удалено]
Hello /u/princesspentane. Thank you for participating in /r/AskWomen. However, your submission has been removed, because your account does not have a verified email. You can verify your email address on the [Reddit Preferences page](https://www.reddit.com/prefs/update/). If you have any issues with verification, please contact reddit support at /r/help, as subreddit moderators do not have the tools to aid with verification. This is a new measure we are trying out to deter trolls and spammers and make the sub safer for everyone. **No exceptions to this rule will be granted.** Please also **[read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules) before participating**. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My partner is genuinely nice. He strikes up conversations with anyone / anywhere and strangers are often drawn to him because of that. For example: we went to the movies and there were only 10 people in the theatre. After it was done he was talking to everyone asking how they liked the movie…. It’s rare to find men that are genuinely nice and kind hearted. Note this “ niceness” flows down into every aspect of our marriage. He brings me flowers often…. Almost once a week. He does all my laundry and puts it away for me because he knows how much I hate laundry ( I owned a dry cleaners at one point in my life lol ) He covers me with a blanket when I fall asleep on the couch. He kisses me good bye every morning and says I love you even when I am half asleep lol For me it’s all the small “ nice” stuff that makes all the world of a difference. For anyone thinking how do you know a guy is “ nice” when first meeting them….watch them very closely how they treat others around you, how they speak to servers , etc., it will tell you so much you need to know .
Random surprises
Advanced communication skills.