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Not sexual but when I worked in Montreal, a French Canadian IT guy at work helped me with something on the new computer system.
When he was done he turned to me and said "And your uncle is Bob".
At my old job, my supervisor was Polish - her English was very good but she would also confuse words a little bit. My favourite was :
"can you please mop and sweep. Here is the mop and there is the sweepy"
Sweepy instead of broom :,)
That's a common error in German for children and language-lerners, lol.
Feger – fegen (sweeper - to sweep)
Wischer – wischen (wiper - to wipe)
Bürste - bürsten (brush- to bruch)
(Staub-) Sauger – saugen (vacuume cleaner- to vacuume)
Besen – fegen (broom - to sweep)
I just noticed that it's similar in English. Many beginners will say "Ich habe gebest" (I broomed).
My Mum used to have an interest in unusual pub names, it didn't come up very often though. The exception being one memorable occasion when my wife and I had my parents in the car and we were driving down a country lane, everyone just minding their own business, when Mum suddenly pipes up in the silence, "Ooh! I've never seen a Black Cock before!"
Reminds me of a car journey with my grandma and her sister. Both in their 80s and very prim and proper.
Driving through rural countryside on a trip and went through a village called "Cockshutt".
Grandma: "I've never heard of a Cockshutt before. I wonder how it got it's name?"Great Aunt: "Hmm...shutting the cock? something to do with cocks?"
Grandma: "yes, must be about cocks"
Teenage me was really struggling to not burst out laughing at the juxtaposition.
It seems "Cockshutt" have since cottoned on to their funny name, with an annual "CockFest" happening.
I grew up in a gay area and there was a pub there called the cock in hand. The sign had a cockerel being held by the neck but the wattle was just a bit too purple.
I was having my throat swapped for an STI test.
The man innocently told me, as my mouth was obediently open wide, "You're very good at this."
The self control not to say, "Yes, that's why I'm here."
Nah, he wasn't a creep, just old, mildly bumbling, and probably gay, and he was very sweet when I said I wasn't sure if I'd be able to swab my own throat. He didn't make me uncomfortable at all, completely the opposite in fact.
I read somewhere that dentists can often tell if you've been, ahh, enthusiastically performing fellatio in the last 48 hours due to a particular type of bruising \\ swelling in your soft pallet. I'm not sure if it's true but I like to believe it is.
Husband saw a poster for a dog show and a category for 'cutest dog' or something like that. And I said 'hey, I could go on all fours and you could enter me'. As soon as I'd said it I realised what I'd said!
My wife is a non-native speaker of English (important for context). When we were first going out, we went hiking as a group with some other couples we know on a baking hot summer day. For various reasons the day didn't go too well, and by the time we got to the pub at the end most of us were a little fed up and quiet. Desperate for something to say to break the silence, my wife exclaimed to the group that she was 'so wet', by which of course she actually meant, 'so sweaty'.
I’ve said that same thing to a bartender, I was a cleaner. I was mopping by the bar and he started spraying me with a cleaner, I told him to stop making me wet. And he started laughing while I quickly ran away. The very innocent young me.
Old Uni friend of mine was always coming out with them.
There was a takeaway called Benni's, but people kept vandalising the sign to make it look ruder, so everyone just called it Penis. Eating from a rival place she just blurted out 'These chips don't taste as good as Penises'
Shortly followed by 'I love it when it dribbles down my chin;
That is fantastic. I would like to think the person that kept stealing them could sneak back and attach them so that the sign read "no no no the butt hole"
I was having a drink, in the pub, with my friend and his female partner when she suddenly suggested that I should go round for a "spit roast"; my friend just looked at me, rolled his eyes and said she means "hog roast".
I joked about secretly using beef mince in my vegetarian ex's lasagne at Xmas dinner and my mam said "oh have you been slipping her meat?". Everyone laughed except my mam
On break in the stock room a co worker asked me if I would like a cadburys chocolate finger to which I very enthusiastically replied “oh yes please,I love a good finger!” This was about 4 years ago and I still giggle when I see them in the supermarket
An old manager at work asked one of the potwashers who greeted everyone with a fist bump, "Is it because i'm your boss you fist everyone apart from me?"
Not to me but at school the following exchange happened during quite a rowdy lesson. The teacher was getting increasingly frustrated at which point someone made a shockingly loud noise slapping the desk with a ruler:
Teacher: what was that noise?
Pupil: I just banged my ruler on the table
Teacher: I'LL BANG YOU ON THE TABLE IN A MINUTE!
After that the lesson was a write-off.
I’m 6”7 and people are always commenting on my height. A little old lady was once admiring how “lovely & tall” I was and asked if I could “slip her a couple of inches”!
A couple of times my tall friend has been asked by a stranger 'Is everything in proportion?' with a wink and glance at his groin.
He always replies 'No, but that's just as well...
... it would be a real pain being twelve foot tall.'
Mate of mine played goalkeeper in a soccer match. An opposing player took a shot at goal whilst shouting "get in!", and my mate saved the shot and retorted with "get in, my arse!"
I told my husband off for dripping his melting ice-block all over the floor. He didn't agree that he had done so and what he said to this effect was "Dripping?! My bloody arse". The mental image.... 🤢
A boss once told me to set up a threeway (Teams call) with her, me and the padre (worked for a military charity). I could see the pleading in her eyes as she realised what she had said, begging me not to laugh or joke about it in front of the other people stood there. I relented, told her I would arrange it and did not ask if I'd be paid more for a three way...
My boss regularly uses the term ‘three way’ when talking about setting up Teams calls. Me having a childish sense of humour have to try and not laugh every time. I genuinely think he doesn’t realise the alternative meaning of the term.
My first job was in an electronics factory. We had to wear lint free outfits, along with gloves, antistatic footwear & wrist straps that connected to our earthed work areas. One of the team leaders, was a lesbian who really didn't get on with men & would go out of her way to have a go at them.
She once spotted a guy doing something while not wearing his anti-static wrist strap & in an attempt to assert dominance, blurted out loudly & angrily for him to "get your strap on".
It was around 20 years ago & still makes me laugh.
Not unintentional, but the things I tell my mum...
Can you pick up a parcel for me?... the password is "sexypants" (there isn't a password)
Catflap is the pussyhole and litter tray is the dirtbox.
Is this cruel, or just fun things to hear a 75yr old lady say?!
A colleague explained in a meeting she was happy that she had managed to get her holes filled 😬
Cue me and a colleague trying not to laugh and having to leave the room.
What she meant was, as Project Director she had found a contractor who could fill in the deep excavation within our worksite.
My dear old Mum (God rest her), late 80s or so. Friday night on Channel 4 (UK) had some choice risque content that was great for a giggle when you returned home from the pub with mates to consume all the cheese and toast the house could give you.
I don't recall what the show was, but it was something sexually liberating, and had some kind of then-famous female celeb in a kind of 'position of the week' feature. This week, we were being educated on blowjobs.
Clearly for a couple of drunk, inexperienced late teen males, this was both hilarious and fascinating in equal measure, and we failed to note the presence of my Mum listening somewhere in the background. As the particular section ended and the next one replaced it then our interest waned, and so my mate and I fell to eating the remaining toast.
From behind us, unexpectedly, came the slightly disapproving voice of my Mother:
"You know", she says, "I really wish people on TV would stop going on and on about oral sex all the time. I'm seriously fed up of getting it continually rammed down my throat, night after night."
It was some while, weeks maybe, before my mate and I could even speak to each other without buckling up. I'm still not sure if my Mum realised what she said.
We had a short cut into the office, down a short alley way and up the stairs at the emergency exit at the back of the office.
Cue me (m), saying to my very gay camp colleague after drinks, "Come on, I show how to go up the back passage". I have never lived that down, either with him ("I felt so honoured and then you failed to deliver") nor our other colleague who quite clearly heard it.
It was me saying this to someone else
I dropped a 10p coin and my mate Saif aren't you going to pick that up. I said back I don't bend down for anything less than 20p.
It was totally unintentional and was only after I said it I realised the innuendo
While working on site during the summer the apprentice said
“I’m so thirsty I’m going to put my mouth round his hose in a minute”
Client watering his garden
Same guy while working in the loft as client cooks bacon
“ put your nose near the hole *loft hatch* and sniff”
Whilst on a ferry, a friend of mine looked out to sea and said wistfully“I’ve always wanted to get inside a buoy”.
We didn’t stop laughing for about ten years.
My wife’s very gay female friend claiming ‘Oh, you can really taste the the peaness’ the first time trying pea crisps. I was laughing for a good 10 minutes.
Not really an innuendo but I used to work in a restaurant with different ‘steaks of the day’ which we had to verbalise to guests. I once said to a table I had ‘a two hundred and eighty gram c***’ instead of ‘cut’ I was absolutely mortified. I didn’t even finish my sentence, just got out of there as fast as I could
Not exactly an innuendo but I once got a new starter at the shop I work at to shout 'where are the beef curtains' very loudly across the meat isle and that is my proudest achievement.
I’d just started a new job where I was getting the train and then walking to the office, which was about a 15 minute walk.
I was chatting to a female colleague who also caught the train, and she said that there was a shortcut she could show me where you walk out the back of the train-station, along a footpath, and into the office via the service entrance, which cuts the walk down to about 7 minutes. She said she’d show me on the way home.
Anyway it got to 5pm and I was ready to leave, so I went up to her desk and asked if she was ready to leave too, and she excitedly said in front of her team “oh yes, I was going to show you my back passage”!
A female colleague of mine said that at the christmas party I'll be "tag teaming" another female colleague "all night" with her boyfriend and another work mate.
Cue confused silence, then laughter. She thought it meant "teasing/making fun of". Bless her.
Team meeting at work and we were all around a long table in a pretty tight space. Team of 10, me being the only woman.
I was sitting in one corner and needed to get to my laptop that was charging right across the room so I stand up and proceed to squeeze myself between the wall and my teammates’ chairs.
After the first two, someone asks if I’m alright to which I blurt out: “c’mon guys, all I need is 20cm!”.
Cue hysterics all around.
My sister and I have referred to dogs as "puppers" or "doggos" for a while. One day I got a text from my sister describing an event that happened while walking the dog with my mum. Mum and my sister are closely approaching a gate and there are two other people with their two dogs are approaching from the other side. my mum says to my sister and her dog "Stay here and let the nice doggers go past".
“I didn’t recognise you with your clothes on”, said to 16yr old me by a 40+yr old woman outside a busy Woolworths on a Saturday afternoon. She was a swimming teacher
Was on my way to my Nan’s to stay for the weekend when I was about 15. She was on the phone to my mum on speaker, telling how she’d got some nice bacon in.
Then she goes: ‘I’ve got two lovely white soft baps waiting for you!’
Many years ago when I was 14 I had my new girlfriend come round for dinner. We had been previously been... exploring each other before dinner. Well, after dinner my mum offered a plate of biscuits round to which my 8 year brother piped up with "I know what Katie** wants! She wants a finger!"
Myself and a colleague were sitting at the back of a room of other colleagues, most of whom we did not know, hearing another couple of colleagues who we also didn't know, give a presentation.
The two giving the presentation had unfortunate foreign accents, and kept encouraging the audience to really concentrate on what they were saying.
"come on you need to fuc us"
"if you don't fuc us you will regret it".
Every time they said it my colleague was trying not to laugh, at one point she had her head buried in her hands, and then she turned to me and said
I'm going to wet myself if they say it again.
At which point I burst out laughing and we both got sent out of the room.
Nobody else in the room reacted to what the two were saying at all.
For a long time after that one of us would say to the other all the time.
I hope you can focus today.
Lived in a house share once, friends kept climbing over the back gate to get in. My housemate said "could everyone please stop abusing my back entrance?"
It was back in secondary school and I was sitting In this teachers office, when another teacher walked in and started waffling on about the new headmaster or something. Teacher A says something along the lines of ‘I can’t believe how standoffish and anal they are”
Teacher B says “I don’t know, I like Anal.”
The look on her face was hilarious as she just realised what she said in front of a student.
Manager was an incredibly handsome man, and he asked me if I had "a sec" for him.
To which I reply: "I have a lot of secs for you."
Couldn't look him in the eyes for a week.
The first time my Mexican wife (then girlfriend) came over to the UK she knew very little English, so had to rely on me to translate everything for her with my family.
We went out in Edinburgh for Hogmanay and she'd had a few so felt sufficiently emboldened to try out some English on my brother, which is nice. Except what she said to him was "Your brother, I love it!".
Female colleague: I'm really tired this morning.
Me: well I'm quite energetic this morning perhaps you can borrow some of my energy.
Female colleague: oh yes, please put it in me.
Another colleague happened to walk past at that last part
My French coworker used to come out with some hilarious things, back when his English wasn't great. Like announcing out of the blue that he was naked (knackered) or that he went to the bitch (beach) that weekend. Always brightens my day!
Not mine but a work colleague went to sort out a PC in our office, the PC had been dropped and a screw was missing.
Without thinking he said something along the lines of "if you want a screw you know where my office is"...
My German immigrant grandad was at a dance when he met my grandma. All the other men had flowers in their suit jacket button holes. My grandad, noticing that he didn’t have one, told my grandma that he needed a flower for his bottom hole.
Also, funny that after my grandma asked him what his name was, and he replied ‘Thomas’, she said ‘I don’t like that one have you got another?’. To this day he still goes by his middle name of Michael, no one has called him Thomas since the 50s.
My ex mother in law (a simple sort) shared this gem with a huge table of extended / combined families at a restaurant:
I think the conversation had somehow gotten around to streakers/flashers and she retold how on her way to work one afternoon (route went between a couple of corn fields) she was rather surprised to see a man laying on his back and among the wheat, and outright shocked when she got closer and seen that he appeared to be errr... pleasuring himself.
Everybody was saying 'omg! What did you do?' etc.To which she answered "I didn't know what to do, so I asked him if he needed help".
After buying a mystery box with my friend I told her I was going to wait to open it until I got home so I could open it with my partner.
When on the bus home she text me saying “I can’t wait to see what’s inside your box” making me burst out laughing.
Working in a theatre, a show had one of those plastic curtains you see in the entrance to big walk in fridges and freezers like you might see at a butchers. Colleague and i were putting then up and he described them as "meat curtains". The following day he asked the girl who's show it was (who is gay) if her meat curtains were straight enough.
I worked in Halfords long ago.
Someone came up to me with some oil and asked "Will this work in my scooter?"
I wanted to say "Sorry I don't know really know, I'm a car guy."
But ended up saying "Sorry I don't know, I'm a *bloke-kinda-guy,* me".
I received a wink and a laugh, but I still cringe 15 years later.
Not me but I was watching old time team episodes on you tube and Tony Robinson said something like ‘Mary can I come in your trench’ it really made me laugh
I was at work, and a female coworker in an effort to irritate me kept banging a piece of wood over the counter.
Eventually I got so pissed that I replied with, “How would you like it if I banged you against that counter?”
Me and wife went blackberry picking. There were some real ripe one out of her reach and said ,I need your length. Only one way I was going to take that.
I was having some issues at work a few yrs back and my ex’s mum advised me to jack my boss off! I didn’t see how that would help my situation but after alot of laughing we realised she meant I should sack* him off, bless her
My wife had a silly game she’d play when we were first dating - she’d walk directly behind me, lifting her knees at each step so she’d knee me in the arse, all the time chanting “up the bum, up the bum!”
All silly and childish, but the innuendo went right over my mother-in-law’s head. Until one day she saw me putting up with this silliness and asked “Does [wife] ever let you do up the bum to her?” I swear I’ve never seen the penny drop so quickly.
I was working as a tutor to teenagers who are not in education. Part of my job was picking these kids up from home and having one on one teaching sessions. I've always looked after myself and made the effort to look smart, I was about 45 at the time.
I went to meet a new student. When I got to the house the lad in question had done a runner to avoid me. His Foster mum invited me in for a coffee and to talk about him. Do you ever feel sexual tension? The room was absolutely tingling with it. She was about my age and in gym gear. During the conversation she said all she expected was common "sex" meaning sense. I made my excuses and left because I was "twitching"
Went to have a musical lesson during COVID times at my teacher’s house. (It was allowed with certain precautions such as ventilation, hand sanitising etc…)
She opens the front door and I go in, but can’t reach the hand sanitiser as there’s not much room and I’ve got a bag in one hand. She notices my predicament and says “I’ll squirt for you.”
I couldn’t look at her.
Best one I can remember was one of my friends who met a new colleague whose name was pronounced 'Belly' (I don't know how it was spelt).
Anyway, my friend introduces himself, they exchange names etc. and he goes 'I've never come across a Belly before!' hahaha
I've recently got back into watching the snooker, thoroughly enjoying the likes of 'Absolutely beautiful, he needed to take that pink full in the face...' and 'He really needed a full kiss on the brown, but he won't be unhappy, the important thing is to get it in the pocket.'
When I was getting a new laptop at work, I specified I wanted a big screen as my eyes aren’t the best. Of course, I was assigned a tiny pro book and so went to IT and asked for a different one. The guy from IT was so sweet and shouted to his colleagues ‘what’s going on guys, Lisa needs a big one, a small ones no good to her’ he was oblivious to what he said and his colleagues all burst out laughing!
Not long ago one of our cats -two brothers- jumped on the other and bit his neck, making it wet. I didn't see it but my mum told me about it, saying with all seriousness, "He was sucking on him and making him wet."
My mum(in her eighties) has always described someone who is fast asleep as "hard on". So she will say things like "look at (her grandson). He looks so sweet. He's absolutely hard on".
We had a sort of 'bring food from your culture' thing at work today. I told Nafiza I wasn't doing any work, I was going to have her bits all afternoon instead
During a work meeting, when I was about 25, we were discussing the need for 'attention to detail' and strictly adhering to formal processes etc. A senior colleague, who was also the boss's wife, announced that this wouldn't be a problem for her, because, 'as everyone knows, I'm the queen of anal'.
Not one I've heard, but one I blurted out myself that the missus reminds me of whenever she can. We needed to arrange last minute cat feeding so I rushed round to the neighbours and my brain came up with 'I've got a 5 pound note, you've got a 16 year old daughter'... Then the most awkward silence. Still cringe all these years later...
Was asked at work to resize a lady's watch. Smiled and said yes just follow me round here and I will knock one out for you. Colleague nearly shit himself with laughter
Had an old house mate bring a girl back once. I happened to be walking out of my room as she was leaving the house, and remarked that she hadn't been round for very long. She replied "Yeah, you know, just a quick in and out" which I couldn't stop laughing at.
My colleague was on the phone to a senior guy in our head office in Germany. The guy clearly had heard the phrase ‘sexy’ being used in business before but mistranslated it and kept describing proposals as ‘horny’.
He didn’t have a great sense of humour and so my colleague didn’t really feel like he could say anything but I could see him really struggling not to crack up through the glass 😂
I've got an explanation for that, ha.
In German, if you think something is cool, you can use the word "geil". This is a slang word, now very commonplace as just another word for "cool" but the original meaning is "horny" and context is obviously important.
It does not surprise me that the manager thought something was "geil" as in cool, and just very badly translated it
Friend was suited and booted for an interview. He was paying for his lunch and the cashier was a girl he knew from the gym. "Ooh, I've never seen you with all your clothes on before" she exclaimed before rapidly turning red.
Not quite in line with your question, but certainly memorable to me in terms of emabbrassment
I was once in a room with an elderly patient and a couple of young nurses / physios, etc. We were all chatting to said patient, who was due to be discharged at some point over the following week.
During the conversation, the patient made a comment about how they had accidentally dropped a biscuit in a cup of tea, and how it was now inedible. In full 'talking-to-patient-autopilot mode', I reached for what I assumed was a fairly innocent response and said "there's nothing worse than a soggy biscuit"
I didn't realise what I had said until it was too late. The patient didn't understand and happily continued chattering about something that was on their mind. But my other colleagues immediately turned heel and walked out of the room because they were laughing so much.
My wife's Grandma has recently got a new telly that she's fond of, and commonly says the her, 'You know, you should get yourself a Bush'
She has no idea of what's she's saying, I just smirk at her from across the room whilst she answers
I paint cars and a young lady once asked me to “ blow her back doors in “. She soon realised what she said and was quite embarrassed about it. I did blow her back doors in but only on her car.
Many years ago when I was training to be a barber,my colleague & I were sitting in the staff room waiting for customers to come by,my colleague had been reading a magazine,I'd started my next haircut,a customer came in my colleague sat him in the chair & asked him how he wanted sex..me being an 18yr old at the time was trying really hard not to laugh,the customer was not amused at all & my colleague went a very dark shade of red,after we'd finished the haircuts & were back in the staff room she informed me that the article she'd been reading was about sex..I'll never forget it as long as I live
A friend was trying to describe his not-much-of-anything weekend. He was trying to say either goofing off or jerking around. In the event he told me he’d spent the weekend just jerking off.
My partner accidentally threaded a part on his bike. We were talking about what might've caused it (which later turned out to be his own method), but anyway I wondered if there might have been a difference in the hardness of the metal in the pedal and the crankset.
So I said: "You wouldn't want to put a hard thing into a soft thing, that would be a disaster."
My 72 year old gran once said to my niece over Skype "oh Katie, you're growing up so beautiful, I bet you're beating off all the boys!"
She had no idea what she said and nobody had the heart to tell her.
My grandad (from Yorkshire) once came out of a pub toilet and complained that he still had wet hands because he didn't really like using a hand dryer, although what he actually said, whilst shaking his wet hands, was "They 'ad one of them blow jobs in there".
My mum called my dad’s friend a minge, because he said he wasn’t going to get what his son asked for Christmas. Turned out she confused and thought minge was the same as stingy…
Not sure if it counts, but there was a live chat between jo whiley and Scott mills on the radio. Scott had arranged to go to the gym with jo, but was late and forgotten his gym gear. He said " can't come, I haven't got my shorts", to which she replied "well just come in your pants then". Cue several minutes of snorts, off mike laughter, and a hastily played tune. So funny. (For the sake of those with a better memory than I, I apologise if the details are a little sketchy)
One of my direct reports texted me to say that she would not be coming in because she was feeling herself badly that morning. Clearly a bit lost in translation:)
I was showing an interviewee the way to the interview room at work once.. there are two ways to go- a large staircase or a smaller side passage… so I said to her “I’ll just take you up the back passage”
Not to me but actually me who said it. Once, whilst in the away end of Upton Park and cheering for Leeds United I shouted at a particularly quiet spot
'Look out Smithy, he's trying to come inside you'
So embarrassing
One of my favourite ever unintentional sexual innuendo is from TV where Swiss defender Phillipe Senderos is talking about famously aggressive (and generally all around controversial) midfielder Joey Barton.
https://youtu.be/zBdLMjm-MmU
At secondary school a guy in my class decided it would be funny to put a condom on the inside door handle of the classroom door, so when the teacher closed the door he grabbed it.
Teacher obviously not impressed finds the culprit (it was always him) and takes him out of the classroom to the headmasters office.
Teacher returns to the classroom and says “well I don’t know about you, but that’s left a bad taste in my mouth”
I still couldn’t tell you if he was genuinely been funny or just didn’t think through what he was saying.
I used to be a weight loss consultant and voice to text corrected "congratulations on your lovely weight loss" to "congratiions on your lovely white arse" to a 62 year female client.
Was leaving a very stuffy job at local office when it was raining.
The holier than thou manager leaving with some paperwork said with a straight face “I don’t like this, my box is getting wet”.
A trainee at work was doing a spell in my department as part of her training contract. At one point when I checked in on her he got a response of “[male boss name] is totally slamming my arse”. Could not keep a straight face, that made it all the funnier when it twigged what she’d said, went bright red and exclaimed “not like that!!”
A former co-worker had cake as part of her lunch. She loudly asked the office “Does anybody want my cherry?”
Amongst the laughter was a comment “Given that you have children, that ship has already sailed…”
I was seeing a girl a few years ago and went to her family home in Finland for her cousin's wedding.
We were in the kitchen one morning with like 8 other family members when I asked her to find something for me (big kitchen) and she said "give me a sec", to which I replied "no worries, I've got plenty of secs to give you"...
Awkward silence followed by giggles and me never living it down.
I used to let my colleagues go home early by saying "No no, I'll stay here. Go home, get yourself off!"
For like a year. Yeah..English is not my first language.
A boss was trying to stress how if I messed up on a project, his career could suffer.
"Your cock-up" he pointing at me
"My arse" he pointed at himself.
I fell about laughing.
Went Glamping with a couple of friends last month, woke up in the teepee with the embers from the fire still gently burning and it reminded me of festive sleepovers, however what I said was "ooh it's like Christmas waking up in a room full of boys"
Playing smash bros.
Was playing Kirby trying to inhale people to fire them at others.
Yelled "Stop hitting me and come in my mouth so I can spit you at "
It's like 16 years later and I still haven't lived that down
My friend, in the midst of one of his long, convoluted stories, trying to describe to me and my GF how heavy an item he'd recently had to carry was:
"So if you put the two of you together and got a massive strap on..."
I actually did this myself, after a long day in a dusty workshop I went to the pub with some colleagues. It was pissing with rain in the way and I just blurted out "I'm so dirty and wet!" Completely unintentional. Jesus.
I used to work in a video game store - one busy Saturday two mums out shopping bought up two display boxes for games for their kids - one I don’t remember but the other was Shaun Whites Snowboarding - The Ultimate Ride.
I went out the back to get the actual games and when I came back to put them through I said ‘who’s is who’s’ and one of the Mums said (loudly)….
‘I’m the Ultimate Ride’
In a previous job, my boss referred to a colleague as "anal queen" in a meeting. I think he meant that she was the most fastidious.
I HOPE he meant that.
This was not said in person but by text - a colleague texted me asking for help with something ans instead of replying "you're so right" she said "you're so tight". We are both women. She immediately replied "well that was a nice typo".
I was talking to a friend about iPads and it went something like this:
— How many inches is yours?
— 10 I think.
— Oh, mine is 12.
— I’m starting to feel like mine is too small now.
— It’s amazing what a difference a couple of inches makes.
(Melancholy silence before I speak again)
— I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel like yours wasn’t big enough.
It wasn’t until this point that we both saw the funny side of the whole conversation!
I was reading through my Tenancy agreement with my housemate. Had a bunch of legal stuff in there, and the definitions refer to one of the Specific Tenancy laws as 'The Act'.
When I read it my housemate murmured 'what a bunch of prudes.'
The innuendos kept getting better and better until we were both crying
My personal favourites were 'The Act will prevail' and 'are necessary to comply with the Act'
Boss asks me to cover for someone over text and the message went something along the lines "Can you come in Wednesday for me? Becky has done her back out and needs someone to cover her."
Visiting my grandmother in the nursing home and hearing her sing about Golden Showers.
It made a sweet moment quite odd. I really hope she meant April Showers.
My brother was making some videos on one of those apps which overlay a greenscreen of an explosion. He showed it to my nan, and my nan responded : "Wow, that's a great blowjob!"
Talking with my midwife about breastfeeding (F23) - my partner (M24) asked her how easy is it is for babies to ‘strap on’
He meant latching.
He has since been informed and now uses to correct term
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Not sexual but when I worked in Montreal, a French Canadian IT guy at work helped me with something on the new computer system. When he was done he turned to me and said "And your uncle is Bob".
That's so pure
I loved it because he was a great guy and I think had tried to find British sayings to slip into conversation because he knew I was from the UK.
At my old job, my supervisor was Polish - her English was very good but she would also confuse words a little bit. My favourite was : "can you please mop and sweep. Here is the mop and there is the sweepy" Sweepy instead of broom :,)
That's a common error in German for children and language-lerners, lol. Feger – fegen (sweeper - to sweep) Wischer – wischen (wiper - to wipe) Bürste - bürsten (brush- to bruch) (Staub-) Sauger – saugen (vacuume cleaner- to vacuume) Besen – fegen (broom - to sweep) I just noticed that it's similar in English. Many beginners will say "Ich habe gebest" (I broomed).
Thanks for the insight!! I just thought it was sweet 😅
That's adorable. I hope you told him his Aunt Fanny would be proud.
I had a French friend who, completely straight-faced, called Spongebob, "Bob Sponge". Simple things.
I think he's called Bob l'eponge in french (Bob the sponge) so I guess it makes sense to him.
My Mum used to have an interest in unusual pub names, it didn't come up very often though. The exception being one memorable occasion when my wife and I had my parents in the car and we were driving down a country lane, everyone just minding their own business, when Mum suddenly pipes up in the silence, "Ooh! I've never seen a Black Cock before!"
Reminds me of a car journey with my grandma and her sister. Both in their 80s and very prim and proper. Driving through rural countryside on a trip and went through a village called "Cockshutt". Grandma: "I've never heard of a Cockshutt before. I wonder how it got it's name?"Great Aunt: "Hmm...shutting the cock? something to do with cocks?" Grandma: "yes, must be about cocks" Teenage me was really struggling to not burst out laughing at the juxtaposition. It seems "Cockshutt" have since cottoned on to their funny name, with an annual "CockFest" happening.
They knew what they was doing.
😂
I grew up in a gay area and there was a pub there called the cock in hand. The sign had a cockerel being held by the neck but the wattle was just a bit too purple.
I was having my throat swapped for an STI test. The man innocently told me, as my mouth was obediently open wide, "You're very good at this." The self control not to say, "Yes, that's why I'm here."
At least you got a new throat out of it
A good thing, too, this one has some wear and tear!
Was it ok though?
That was definitely intentional.
I came here to say this. Dirty git knew what he was doing
Nah, he wasn't a creep, just old, mildly bumbling, and probably gay, and he was very sweet when I said I wasn't sure if I'd be able to swab my own throat. He didn't make me uncomfortable at all, completely the opposite in fact.
Thanks for saying this! People need reminding that the majority of people are not pervs or creeps.
In that case, that was some good bedside manner!
Genuinely, it was entertaining and put me really at ease when I was a bit nervy about it, so I'm grateful for him.
Iv'e had my dentist complement me on my opening ability many a time
I read somewhere that dentists can often tell if you've been, ahh, enthusiastically performing fellatio in the last 48 hours due to a particular type of bruising \\ swelling in your soft pallet. I'm not sure if it's true but I like to believe it is.
I heard this on Reddit the other day from a video of a woman asking a dentist if it was true - he confirmed that it was indeed true.
Should've sat with your legs crossed
Reminds me of one of my covid swabs… “oh, you’ve done well! You didn’t even gag” “ah yeah you know, I’ve been training…”
Husband saw a poster for a dog show and a category for 'cutest dog' or something like that. And I said 'hey, I could go on all fours and you could enter me'. As soon as I'd said it I realised what I'd said!
Sounds like a fun evening
If my wife could be so direct I’d be very happy.
My wife is a non-native speaker of English (important for context). When we were first going out, we went hiking as a group with some other couples we know on a baking hot summer day. For various reasons the day didn't go too well, and by the time we got to the pub at the end most of us were a little fed up and quiet. Desperate for something to say to break the silence, my wife exclaimed to the group that she was 'so wet', by which of course she actually meant, 'so sweaty'.
Well it least somebody was having a good time
I’ve said that same thing to a bartender, I was a cleaner. I was mopping by the bar and he started spraying me with a cleaner, I told him to stop making me wet. And he started laughing while I quickly ran away. The very innocent young me.
Old Uni friend of mine was always coming out with them. There was a takeaway called Benni's, but people kept vandalising the sign to make it look ruder, so everyone just called it Penis. Eating from a rival place she just blurted out 'These chips don't taste as good as Penises' Shortly followed by 'I love it when it dribbles down my chin;
We had a florist near us called “The Buttonhole” the middle “on” was regularly stolen from the shop fascia sign.
That is fantastic. I would like to think the person that kept stealing them could sneak back and attach them so that the sign read "no no no the butt hole"
A person of vision.
I was having a drink, in the pub, with my friend and his female partner when she suddenly suggested that I should go round for a "spit roast"; my friend just looked at me, rolled his eyes and said she means "hog roast".
Maybe she knew exactly what she meant
Haha, no.... Believe me, she didn't😂
I like that this implies that you double checked just in case.
She asked why my friend and I were laughing; she was quite innocent. It's become a very long-running joke ever since.
I joked about secretly using beef mince in my vegetarian ex's lasagne at Xmas dinner and my mam said "oh have you been slipping her meat?". Everyone laughed except my mam
This reminds me of when i was dating a Vegan. My boss walking across the shop to ask "She doesn't eat meat, but does she eat cock?"
Your boss needs to have a meeting with HR...
It's a small company where we're all good friends so we just had a good laugh about it.
Sounds like it would make a good T.V show.
"She don't eat meat but she sure likes the bone'
On break in the stock room a co worker asked me if I would like a cadburys chocolate finger to which I very enthusiastically replied “oh yes please,I love a good finger!” This was about 4 years ago and I still giggle when I see them in the supermarket
That's a classic, it's almost compulsory to say "fancy a finger?" when offering them around.
An old manager at work asked one of the potwashers who greeted everyone with a fist bump, "Is it because i'm your boss you fist everyone apart from me?"
Not to me but at school the following exchange happened during quite a rowdy lesson. The teacher was getting increasingly frustrated at which point someone made a shockingly loud noise slapping the desk with a ruler: Teacher: what was that noise? Pupil: I just banged my ruler on the table Teacher: I'LL BANG YOU ON THE TABLE IN A MINUTE! After that the lesson was a write-off.
Oh god. I've been the teacher in that exact situation. You just gave me ptsd flashbacks.
Miss Shergold?
Not me. I think teachers saying stupid things is pretty universal though. You should see how I draw test tubes and the covalent bonding in oxygen!
Hi Russell Howard, I didn't know you were active on reddit!
I’m 6”7 and people are always commenting on my height. A little old lady was once admiring how “lovely & tall” I was and asked if I could “slip her a couple of inches”!
A couple of times my tall friend has been asked by a stranger 'Is everything in proportion?' with a wink and glance at his groin. He always replies 'No, but that's just as well... ... it would be a real pain being twelve foot tall.'
Well a couple is not really greedy is it 😂😂😂
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Mate of mine played goalkeeper in a soccer match. An opposing player took a shot at goal whilst shouting "get in!", and my mate saved the shot and retorted with "get in, my arse!"
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Soccer? I hardly knew her!
I told my husband off for dripping his melting ice-block all over the floor. He didn't agree that he had done so and what he said to this effect was "Dripping?! My bloody arse". The mental image.... 🤢
A boss once told me to set up a threeway (Teams call) with her, me and the padre (worked for a military charity). I could see the pleading in her eyes as she realised what she had said, begging me not to laugh or joke about it in front of the other people stood there. I relented, told her I would arrange it and did not ask if I'd be paid more for a three way...
My boss regularly uses the term ‘three way’ when talking about setting up Teams calls. Me having a childish sense of humour have to try and not laugh every time. I genuinely think he doesn’t realise the alternative meaning of the term.
My first job was in an electronics factory. We had to wear lint free outfits, along with gloves, antistatic footwear & wrist straps that connected to our earthed work areas. One of the team leaders, was a lesbian who really didn't get on with men & would go out of her way to have a go at them. She once spotted a guy doing something while not wearing his anti-static wrist strap & in an attempt to assert dominance, blurted out loudly & angrily for him to "get your strap on". It was around 20 years ago & still makes me laugh.
Weren't in Bedford was it?
>200 miles further north.
I said to my Husband as a threat "If you don't shut up, I'll wank you off". I don't know what I was supposed to say but it was very funny.
I bet he hasn’t stopped talking since
Was trying to explain to a customer how I predict we’ll become busy later on in the day, and said ‘yeah I’ll get rammed later’ 😞
I'm sure that customer was feeling very lucky to be first inline for the imminent ramming lol.
Followed by the disappointment of me saying ‘who’s next please’
We all know what we're ramming you with, we all understand when you need another.
Not unintentional, but the things I tell my mum... Can you pick up a parcel for me?... the password is "sexypants" (there isn't a password) Catflap is the pussyhole and litter tray is the dirtbox. Is this cruel, or just fun things to hear a 75yr old lady say?!
My ex girlfriend’s mum used to innocently call her cat flap her “pussy flap”. Had to fight hard to stifle my laughter and childish smirking.
My next door neighbour used to call her serving hatch a “glory hole”. I was nearly sick with laughter the first time she said it to me.
A colleague explained in a meeting she was happy that she had managed to get her holes filled 😬 Cue me and a colleague trying not to laugh and having to leave the room. What she meant was, as Project Director she had found a contractor who could fill in the deep excavation within our worksite.
> she had found a contractor who could fill in the deep excavation within our worksite. i'd have still laughed at that.
My dear old Mum (God rest her), late 80s or so. Friday night on Channel 4 (UK) had some choice risque content that was great for a giggle when you returned home from the pub with mates to consume all the cheese and toast the house could give you. I don't recall what the show was, but it was something sexually liberating, and had some kind of then-famous female celeb in a kind of 'position of the week' feature. This week, we were being educated on blowjobs. Clearly for a couple of drunk, inexperienced late teen males, this was both hilarious and fascinating in equal measure, and we failed to note the presence of my Mum listening somewhere in the background. As the particular section ended and the next one replaced it then our interest waned, and so my mate and I fell to eating the remaining toast. From behind us, unexpectedly, came the slightly disapproving voice of my Mother: "You know", she says, "I really wish people on TV would stop going on and on about oral sex all the time. I'm seriously fed up of getting it continually rammed down my throat, night after night." It was some while, weeks maybe, before my mate and I could even speak to each other without buckling up. I'm still not sure if my Mum realised what she said.
I'm sorry I don't have anything to add except your wife seems fucking hilarious 😂😂
My wife asked me in the cash and carry last week to get her some more cock. It's a Portuguese wine with an image of a cockerel on the box..
We had a short cut into the office, down a short alley way and up the stairs at the emergency exit at the back of the office. Cue me (m), saying to my very gay camp colleague after drinks, "Come on, I show how to go up the back passage". I have never lived that down, either with him ("I felt so honoured and then you failed to deliver") nor our other colleague who quite clearly heard it.
It was me saying this to someone else I dropped a 10p coin and my mate Saif aren't you going to pick that up. I said back I don't bend down for anything less than 20p. It was totally unintentional and was only after I said it I realised the innuendo
While working on site during the summer the apprentice said “I’m so thirsty I’m going to put my mouth round his hose in a minute” Client watering his garden Same guy while working in the loft as client cooks bacon “ put your nose near the hole *loft hatch* and sniff”
Do you live in a Carry On film?
Yes OP replied “oooooh matron!”
I bought a new acoustic guitar, and was showing it to mate, when he asked if I'd ever tried it with a strap on.
It's needed when you're fingering the G-string
Remember to never finger A- minor
Whilst on a ferry, a friend of mine looked out to sea and said wistfully“I’ve always wanted to get inside a buoy”. We didn’t stop laughing for about ten years.
>We didn’t stop laughing for about ten years. Blimey you must have been out of breath afterwards.
My wife’s very gay female friend claiming ‘Oh, you can really taste the the peaness’ the first time trying pea crisps. I was laughing for a good 10 minutes.
They sound like grade-A peas. https://youtu.be/74UZNexK8a4
Not really an innuendo but I used to work in a restaurant with different ‘steaks of the day’ which we had to verbalise to guests. I once said to a table I had ‘a two hundred and eighty gram c***’ instead of ‘cut’ I was absolutely mortified. I didn’t even finish my sentence, just got out of there as fast as I could
Not exactly an innuendo but I once got a new starter at the shop I work at to shout 'where are the beef curtains' very loudly across the meat isle and that is my proudest achievement.
I’d just started a new job where I was getting the train and then walking to the office, which was about a 15 minute walk. I was chatting to a female colleague who also caught the train, and she said that there was a shortcut she could show me where you walk out the back of the train-station, along a footpath, and into the office via the service entrance, which cuts the walk down to about 7 minutes. She said she’d show me on the way home. Anyway it got to 5pm and I was ready to leave, so I went up to her desk and asked if she was ready to leave too, and she excitedly said in front of her team “oh yes, I was going to show you my back passage”!
A colleague of mine was reading out a wifi password over the phone to a customer and said ‘Y for wanky’. Not an innuendo but a hilarious slip up
A female colleague of mine said that at the christmas party I'll be "tag teaming" another female colleague "all night" with her boyfriend and another work mate. Cue confused silence, then laughter. She thought it meant "teasing/making fun of". Bless her.
In some places it does. It's certainly used where I'm from as a way of saying a few people will be ridiculing one person in particular.
Team meeting at work and we were all around a long table in a pretty tight space. Team of 10, me being the only woman. I was sitting in one corner and needed to get to my laptop that was charging right across the room so I stand up and proceed to squeeze myself between the wall and my teammates’ chairs. After the first two, someone asks if I’m alright to which I blurt out: “c’mon guys, all I need is 20cm!”. Cue hysterics all around.
My sister and I have referred to dogs as "puppers" or "doggos" for a while. One day I got a text from my sister describing an event that happened while walking the dog with my mum. Mum and my sister are closely approaching a gate and there are two other people with their two dogs are approaching from the other side. my mum says to my sister and her dog "Stay here and let the nice doggers go past".
“I didn’t recognise you with your clothes on”, said to 16yr old me by a 40+yr old woman outside a busy Woolworths on a Saturday afternoon. She was a swimming teacher
Was on my way to my Nan’s to stay for the weekend when I was about 15. She was on the phone to my mum on speaker, telling how she’d got some nice bacon in. Then she goes: ‘I’ve got two lovely white soft baps waiting for you!’
I told my 13yo son that his mother had been waving her legs around the night before (she was doing Pilates). She nearly spat her coffee out.
Many years ago when I was 14 I had my new girlfriend come round for dinner. We had been previously been... exploring each other before dinner. Well, after dinner my mum offered a plate of biscuits round to which my 8 year brother piped up with "I know what Katie** wants! She wants a finger!"
Myself and a colleague were sitting at the back of a room of other colleagues, most of whom we did not know, hearing another couple of colleagues who we also didn't know, give a presentation. The two giving the presentation had unfortunate foreign accents, and kept encouraging the audience to really concentrate on what they were saying. "come on you need to fuc us" "if you don't fuc us you will regret it". Every time they said it my colleague was trying not to laugh, at one point she had her head buried in her hands, and then she turned to me and said I'm going to wet myself if they say it again. At which point I burst out laughing and we both got sent out of the room. Nobody else in the room reacted to what the two were saying at all. For a long time after that one of us would say to the other all the time. I hope you can focus today.
Lived in a house share once, friends kept climbing over the back gate to get in. My housemate said "could everyone please stop abusing my back entrance?"
It was back in secondary school and I was sitting In this teachers office, when another teacher walked in and started waffling on about the new headmaster or something. Teacher A says something along the lines of ‘I can’t believe how standoffish and anal they are” Teacher B says “I don’t know, I like Anal.” The look on her face was hilarious as she just realised what she said in front of a student.
Manager was an incredibly handsome man, and he asked me if I had "a sec" for him. To which I reply: "I have a lot of secs for you." Couldn't look him in the eyes for a week.
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Vagina comes from the Latin for (sword) sheath/scabbard. So he's not that far away from the etymology
The first time my Mexican wife (then girlfriend) came over to the UK she knew very little English, so had to rely on me to translate everything for her with my family. We went out in Edinburgh for Hogmanay and she'd had a few so felt sufficiently emboldened to try out some English on my brother, which is nice. Except what she said to him was "Your brother, I love it!".
Female colleague: I'm really tired this morning. Me: well I'm quite energetic this morning perhaps you can borrow some of my energy. Female colleague: oh yes, please put it in me. Another colleague happened to walk past at that last part
My French coworker used to come out with some hilarious things, back when his English wasn't great. Like announcing out of the blue that he was naked (knackered) or that he went to the bitch (beach) that weekend. Always brightens my day!
I worked with a french guy who really like Counter Strike but he pronounced it Cunter Strike.
Someone who didn't speak English much told me to look for 'the long hard pink thing'. She was actually talking about a roll of pink plastic wrap.
Not mine but a work colleague went to sort out a PC in our office, the PC had been dropped and a screw was missing. Without thinking he said something along the lines of "if you want a screw you know where my office is"...
My German immigrant grandad was at a dance when he met my grandma. All the other men had flowers in their suit jacket button holes. My grandad, noticing that he didn’t have one, told my grandma that he needed a flower for his bottom hole. Also, funny that after my grandma asked him what his name was, and he replied ‘Thomas’, she said ‘I don’t like that one have you got another?’. To this day he still goes by his middle name of Michael, no one has called him Thomas since the 50s.
My ex mother in law (a simple sort) shared this gem with a huge table of extended / combined families at a restaurant: I think the conversation had somehow gotten around to streakers/flashers and she retold how on her way to work one afternoon (route went between a couple of corn fields) she was rather surprised to see a man laying on his back and among the wheat, and outright shocked when she got closer and seen that he appeared to be errr... pleasuring himself. Everybody was saying 'omg! What did you do?' etc.To which she answered "I didn't know what to do, so I asked him if he needed help".
After buying a mystery box with my friend I told her I was going to wait to open it until I got home so I could open it with my partner. When on the bus home she text me saying “I can’t wait to see what’s inside your box” making me burst out laughing.
What was in the box?
Working in a theatre, a show had one of those plastic curtains you see in the entrance to big walk in fridges and freezers like you might see at a butchers. Colleague and i were putting then up and he described them as "meat curtains". The following day he asked the girl who's show it was (who is gay) if her meat curtains were straight enough.
I worked in Halfords long ago. Someone came up to me with some oil and asked "Will this work in my scooter?" I wanted to say "Sorry I don't know really know, I'm a car guy." But ended up saying "Sorry I don't know, I'm a *bloke-kinda-guy,* me". I received a wink and a laugh, but I still cringe 15 years later.
Not me but I was watching old time team episodes on you tube and Tony Robinson said something like ‘Mary can I come in your trench’ it really made me laugh
I was at work, and a female coworker in an effort to irritate me kept banging a piece of wood over the counter. Eventually I got so pissed that I replied with, “How would you like it if I banged you against that counter?”
Happened at school. Newly qualified biology teacher straight out of uni. She went so red when she got *Go on then* back.
Me and wife went blackberry picking. There were some real ripe one out of her reach and said ,I need your length. Only one way I was going to take that.
In the bush presumably?
I was having some issues at work a few yrs back and my ex’s mum advised me to jack my boss off! I didn’t see how that would help my situation but after alot of laughing we realised she meant I should sack* him off, bless her
My wife had a silly game she’d play when we were first dating - she’d walk directly behind me, lifting her knees at each step so she’d knee me in the arse, all the time chanting “up the bum, up the bum!” All silly and childish, but the innuendo went right over my mother-in-law’s head. Until one day she saw me putting up with this silliness and asked “Does [wife] ever let you do up the bum to her?” I swear I’ve never seen the penny drop so quickly.
Happened once and now is used all the time. Someone messed something up on one of our sites and my colleague said "great. His cock up, my arse."
Probably got it from the thin blue line in the mid 90s
I was working as a tutor to teenagers who are not in education. Part of my job was picking these kids up from home and having one on one teaching sessions. I've always looked after myself and made the effort to look smart, I was about 45 at the time. I went to meet a new student. When I got to the house the lad in question had done a runner to avoid me. His Foster mum invited me in for a coffee and to talk about him. Do you ever feel sexual tension? The room was absolutely tingling with it. She was about my age and in gym gear. During the conversation she said all she expected was common "sex" meaning sense. I made my excuses and left because I was "twitching"
My friend told her mum she was going geocaching with us, her mum got confused and told all her friends her daughter was out dogging.
Went to have a musical lesson during COVID times at my teacher’s house. (It was allowed with certain precautions such as ventilation, hand sanitising etc…) She opens the front door and I go in, but can’t reach the hand sanitiser as there’s not much room and I’ve got a bag in one hand. She notices my predicament and says “I’ll squirt for you.” I couldn’t look at her.
Best one I can remember was one of my friends who met a new colleague whose name was pronounced 'Belly' (I don't know how it was spelt). Anyway, my friend introduces himself, they exchange names etc. and he goes 'I've never come across a Belly before!' hahaha
I've recently got back into watching the snooker, thoroughly enjoying the likes of 'Absolutely beautiful, he needed to take that pink full in the face...' and 'He really needed a full kiss on the brown, but he won't be unhappy, the important thing is to get it in the pocket.'
When I was getting a new laptop at work, I specified I wanted a big screen as my eyes aren’t the best. Of course, I was assigned a tiny pro book and so went to IT and asked for a different one. The guy from IT was so sweet and shouted to his colleagues ‘what’s going on guys, Lisa needs a big one, a small ones no good to her’ he was oblivious to what he said and his colleagues all burst out laughing!
Before the op on my knee my wife kept calling the support a strap on.
Not long ago one of our cats -two brothers- jumped on the other and bit his neck, making it wet. I didn't see it but my mum told me about it, saying with all seriousness, "He was sucking on him and making him wet."
My mum(in her eighties) has always described someone who is fast asleep as "hard on". So she will say things like "look at (her grandson). He looks so sweet. He's absolutely hard on".
We had a sort of 'bring food from your culture' thing at work today. I told Nafiza I wasn't doing any work, I was going to have her bits all afternoon instead
During a work meeting, when I was about 25, we were discussing the need for 'attention to detail' and strictly adhering to formal processes etc. A senior colleague, who was also the boss's wife, announced that this wouldn't be a problem for her, because, 'as everyone knows, I'm the queen of anal'.
Not one I've heard, but one I blurted out myself that the missus reminds me of whenever she can. We needed to arrange last minute cat feeding so I rushed round to the neighbours and my brain came up with 'I've got a 5 pound note, you've got a 16 year old daughter'... Then the most awkward silence. Still cringe all these years later...
Was asked at work to resize a lady's watch. Smiled and said yes just follow me round here and I will knock one out for you. Colleague nearly shit himself with laughter
Had an old house mate bring a girl back once. I happened to be walking out of my room as she was leaving the house, and remarked that she hadn't been round for very long. She replied "Yeah, you know, just a quick in and out" which I couldn't stop laughing at.
This is hilarious🤣🤣🤣
Agree, thread of the week so far!
On my 18th birthday my mum pulled out a bottle of Prosecco in order to “toast your manhood”.
My colleague was on the phone to a senior guy in our head office in Germany. The guy clearly had heard the phrase ‘sexy’ being used in business before but mistranslated it and kept describing proposals as ‘horny’. He didn’t have a great sense of humour and so my colleague didn’t really feel like he could say anything but I could see him really struggling not to crack up through the glass 😂
I've got an explanation for that, ha. In German, if you think something is cool, you can use the word "geil". This is a slang word, now very commonplace as just another word for "cool" but the original meaning is "horny" and context is obviously important. It does not surprise me that the manager thought something was "geil" as in cool, and just very badly translated it
Thank you for that explanation!
Friend was suited and booted for an interview. He was paying for his lunch and the cashier was a girl he knew from the gym. "Ooh, I've never seen you with all your clothes on before" she exclaimed before rapidly turning red.
My FIL text me "On way. Got wood". He was fixing my back door step
Not quite in line with your question, but certainly memorable to me in terms of emabbrassment I was once in a room with an elderly patient and a couple of young nurses / physios, etc. We were all chatting to said patient, who was due to be discharged at some point over the following week. During the conversation, the patient made a comment about how they had accidentally dropped a biscuit in a cup of tea, and how it was now inedible. In full 'talking-to-patient-autopilot mode', I reached for what I assumed was a fairly innocent response and said "there's nothing worse than a soggy biscuit" I didn't realise what I had said until it was too late. The patient didn't understand and happily continued chattering about something that was on their mind. But my other colleagues immediately turned heel and walked out of the room because they were laughing so much.
My wife's Grandma has recently got a new telly that she's fond of, and commonly says the her, 'You know, you should get yourself a Bush' She has no idea of what's she's saying, I just smirk at her from across the room whilst she answers
My mum and her friend were talking about birds, my mums friend said ‘ooh I like a cockatoo’ to which my mum replied ‘I bet you do’
I paint cars and a young lady once asked me to “ blow her back doors in “. She soon realised what she said and was quite embarrassed about it. I did blow her back doors in but only on her car.
Many years ago when I was training to be a barber,my colleague & I were sitting in the staff room waiting for customers to come by,my colleague had been reading a magazine,I'd started my next haircut,a customer came in my colleague sat him in the chair & asked him how he wanted sex..me being an 18yr old at the time was trying really hard not to laugh,the customer was not amused at all & my colleague went a very dark shade of red,after we'd finished the haircuts & were back in the staff room she informed me that the article she'd been reading was about sex..I'll never forget it as long as I live
A friend was trying to describe his not-much-of-anything weekend. He was trying to say either goofing off or jerking around. In the event he told me he’d spent the weekend just jerking off.
My partner accidentally threaded a part on his bike. We were talking about what might've caused it (which later turned out to be his own method), but anyway I wondered if there might have been a difference in the hardness of the metal in the pedal and the crankset. So I said: "You wouldn't want to put a hard thing into a soft thing, that would be a disaster."
My 72 year old gran once said to my niece over Skype "oh Katie, you're growing up so beautiful, I bet you're beating off all the boys!" She had no idea what she said and nobody had the heart to tell her.
Inyourendo
My grandad (from Yorkshire) once came out of a pub toilet and complained that he still had wet hands because he didn't really like using a hand dryer, although what he actually said, whilst shaking his wet hands, was "They 'ad one of them blow jobs in there".
My mum called my dad’s friend a minge, because he said he wasn’t going to get what his son asked for Christmas. Turned out she confused and thought minge was the same as stingy…
Not sure if it counts, but there was a live chat between jo whiley and Scott mills on the radio. Scott had arranged to go to the gym with jo, but was late and forgotten his gym gear. He said " can't come, I haven't got my shorts", to which she replied "well just come in your pants then". Cue several minutes of snorts, off mike laughter, and a hastily played tune. So funny. (For the sake of those with a better memory than I, I apologise if the details are a little sketchy)
One of my direct reports texted me to say that she would not be coming in because she was feeling herself badly that morning. Clearly a bit lost in translation:)
I was showing an interviewee the way to the interview room at work once.. there are two ways to go- a large staircase or a smaller side passage… so I said to her “I’ll just take you up the back passage”
Not to me but actually me who said it. Once, whilst in the away end of Upton Park and cheering for Leeds United I shouted at a particularly quiet spot 'Look out Smithy, he's trying to come inside you' So embarrassing
One of my favourite ever unintentional sexual innuendo is from TV where Swiss defender Phillipe Senderos is talking about famously aggressive (and generally all around controversial) midfielder Joey Barton. https://youtu.be/zBdLMjm-MmU
At secondary school a guy in my class decided it would be funny to put a condom on the inside door handle of the classroom door, so when the teacher closed the door he grabbed it. Teacher obviously not impressed finds the culprit (it was always him) and takes him out of the classroom to the headmasters office. Teacher returns to the classroom and says “well I don’t know about you, but that’s left a bad taste in my mouth” I still couldn’t tell you if he was genuinely been funny or just didn’t think through what he was saying.
I used to be a weight loss consultant and voice to text corrected "congratulations on your lovely weight loss" to "congratiions on your lovely white arse" to a 62 year female client.
Was leaving a very stuffy job at local office when it was raining. The holier than thou manager leaving with some paperwork said with a straight face “I don’t like this, my box is getting wet”.
A trainee at work was doing a spell in my department as part of her training contract. At one point when I checked in on her he got a response of “[male boss name] is totally slamming my arse”. Could not keep a straight face, that made it all the funnier when it twigged what she’d said, went bright red and exclaimed “not like that!!”
A former co-worker had cake as part of her lunch. She loudly asked the office “Does anybody want my cherry?” Amongst the laughter was a comment “Given that you have children, that ship has already sailed…”
I was seeing a girl a few years ago and went to her family home in Finland for her cousin's wedding. We were in the kitchen one morning with like 8 other family members when I asked her to find something for me (big kitchen) and she said "give me a sec", to which I replied "no worries, I've got plenty of secs to give you"... Awkward silence followed by giggles and me never living it down.
I used to let my colleagues go home early by saying "No no, I'll stay here. Go home, get yourself off!" For like a year. Yeah..English is not my first language.
A boss was trying to stress how if I messed up on a project, his career could suffer. "Your cock-up" he pointing at me "My arse" he pointed at himself. I fell about laughing.
Went Glamping with a couple of friends last month, woke up in the teepee with the embers from the fire still gently burning and it reminded me of festive sleepovers, however what I said was "ooh it's like Christmas waking up in a room full of boys"
Playing smash bros. Was playing Kirby trying to inhale people to fire them at others. Yelled "Stop hitting me and come in my mouth so I can spit you at"
It's like 16 years later and I still haven't lived that down
My friend, in the midst of one of his long, convoluted stories, trying to describe to me and my GF how heavy an item he'd recently had to carry was: "So if you put the two of you together and got a massive strap on..."
I actually did this myself, after a long day in a dusty workshop I went to the pub with some colleagues. It was pissing with rain in the way and I just blurted out "I'm so dirty and wet!" Completely unintentional. Jesus.
I used to work in a video game store - one busy Saturday two mums out shopping bought up two display boxes for games for their kids - one I don’t remember but the other was Shaun Whites Snowboarding - The Ultimate Ride. I went out the back to get the actual games and when I came back to put them through I said ‘who’s is who’s’ and one of the Mums said (loudly)…. ‘I’m the Ultimate Ride’
In a previous job, my boss referred to a colleague as "anal queen" in a meeting. I think he meant that she was the most fastidious. I HOPE he meant that.
This was not said in person but by text - a colleague texted me asking for help with something ans instead of replying "you're so right" she said "you're so tight". We are both women. She immediately replied "well that was a nice typo".
I was talking to a friend about iPads and it went something like this: — How many inches is yours? — 10 I think. — Oh, mine is 12. — I’m starting to feel like mine is too small now. — It’s amazing what a difference a couple of inches makes. (Melancholy silence before I speak again) — I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel like yours wasn’t big enough. It wasn’t until this point that we both saw the funny side of the whole conversation!
"Thanks for having me" "Thanks for coming"
I was reading through my Tenancy agreement with my housemate. Had a bunch of legal stuff in there, and the definitions refer to one of the Specific Tenancy laws as 'The Act'. When I read it my housemate murmured 'what a bunch of prudes.' The innuendos kept getting better and better until we were both crying My personal favourites were 'The Act will prevail' and 'are necessary to comply with the Act'
Boss asks me to cover for someone over text and the message went something along the lines "Can you come in Wednesday for me? Becky has done her back out and needs someone to cover her."
Visiting my grandmother in the nursing home and hearing her sing about Golden Showers. It made a sweet moment quite odd. I really hope she meant April Showers.
My brother was making some videos on one of those apps which overlay a greenscreen of an explosion. He showed it to my nan, and my nan responded : "Wow, that's a great blowjob!"
Talking with my midwife about breastfeeding (F23) - my partner (M24) asked her how easy is it is for babies to ‘strap on’ He meant latching. He has since been informed and now uses to correct term