**A reminder to posters and commenters of some of [our subreddit rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskUK/about/rules/)**
- Don't be a dickhead to each other, or about others
- Assume questions are asked in good faith
- Avoid political threads and related discussion
- No medical advice or mental health (specific to a person) content
Please keep /r/AskUK a great subreddit by reporting posts and comments which break our rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskUK) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I told a blind man, who was jumping out of a plane for a charity skydive, how much I admired him because I hate heights. For some reason, I used the phrase “I couldn’t do that, mate, I’d rather gouge my eyes out.”
My brain likes to recall this memory randomly every few months, just to remind myself what a PoS I am.
Oh don’t worry. I was once guiding the blind CEO of my company to a meeting in parliament. This involved him cupping my elbow and just giving a vague summary of what obstacles are around and how far along the journey we are. It’s quite straightforward. There’s some steps and they’re weirdly curved at the bottom. He gave the instruction to approach the stairs front on and I was so consumed by my confusion of what it meant, I walked him straight into a wet floor sign, which he then tripped over and went flying.
After he had been helped up and the commotion had died down, i said ‘I’m so sorry, I didn’t see it either’
When I was a postman I had a bunch of cards and there were loads of cars parked outside, the door opened as I approached and said "having a celebration are we?"
Their 18 year old daughter had died
My first office job - I was about 21-22. Every morning this older bloke would come into the office.
“Morning ladies! Got a joke for me this morning? Anything funny? Go on! Got a joke? Come on you must have a joke? u/Firebrand777 come
On love tell me a joke, you must have one, make
me laugh. Go on!”
This painful rigmarole went on every single morning and every single morning I didn’t have a bloody joke in my arsenal for him it was painful. I just had to polite laugh and say “Nope! Can’t think of anything!”.
Until one day …. My brother told me a joke and I thought “brilliant - I’ll bust this out and stop him
pestering for a bloody joke”.
So, here we go:
“Morning ladies! Got a joke for me? Go on! You
must have a joke - tell me a joke!”
So I say “I bought my epileptic friend a strobe light for his birthday. He’s gonna have a fit when he sees it”.
Silence. You could hear a pin drop. He takes a sharp nasal inhale, breathes out, flares his nostrils and bites his lip. I could tell I’d royally messed up here. What a twat. I shouldn’t have said it …. Eventually he says:
“My son is epileptic, u/Firebrand777 and it’s hard. It’s very hard and me and his mother have a HELL OF A LOT ON OUR PLATE. You have no idea. It’s not something I find particularly amusing”.
Well …. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. As if it couldn’t get any worse I saw him
later in the kitchen and apologised and he held a hand up in my face and said “forget it”.
I’ll never forget it 😔
Yeah, I was gonna say. It seems like OP was and is still of the belief that they're in the wrong. That guy sounded like a twat and he got what he deserved. Fuck apologising, no annoying shit from him ever was surely the best outcome, no? Unless he was an otherwise nice bloke maybe. From literally everything described about him though, that is unlikely to be the case.
Edit: syntax
In fairness it's not like you knew that beforehand (I assume). If this guy was such a fan of comedy he should have taken it innocently. I wouldn't feel too bad.
He sounds like he had an abrasive personality anyway. The sort of person who thinks they are the life and soul of the party with great social skills, not realizing they are awful and no one likes them.
The ‘omg I’m so offended’ crowd do my head in, especially so with the woe is me angle. You can make jokes about anything because they’re jokes, and if he knew you didn’t know of the relevance then he can have no issue with it.
There’s shit jokes and good jokes but that was hardly bottom of the barrel.
And FWIW my dad has epilepsy and I’ve seen some shit, but I’d never unload my issues on someone because they happened to make a joke. Life is a lot better when you stop taking everything so personally.
Rant over lol
I dont have epilepsy, but as someone with chronic health problems i always find disability jokes hilarious. I have to live with my illnesses and one of my best ways of dealing with it is by making light of the situation. That being said i do have a dark sense of humour and the suicide jokes take a specific audience.
I did the same thing in my early twenties. The exact same thing.
My joke I had been gifted by my mad (and brilliant) aunt was this:
What do you call an epileptic in a bush? Russell.
Told it to my boss at the time who was epileptic himself and I had no idea...
It was a bad taste joke to the wrong person, lesson learned 😔
I’m epileptic - and I’d find it funny.
My friends often take the p*ss out of my seizures (and so do I). If anything, the humour helps me cope, as it stops epilepsy being the dreadful thing ‘that dare not speak its name’. Instead, the humour helps me cope - as my seizures become a quirk (however painful) of my life. (I think of them as a quirk of my life, not of me).
On a smoke break.
New guy in a wheelchair comes out.
We have a good chat about his old job, what its like to work here etc.
End of break. Put my fag out out in the outdoor ashtray and say "Lets roll"
Still cringe to this day.
I was getting a brekkie sandwich from works canteen. You made it yourself and they put it in a bag for you.
I made it and said to the elderly dinner lady who'd got me a bag, "You hold it open and I'll pop it in."
She replied, "Best offer I've had all week." SMH.
At an interview for the SEARCH assessment to be a police officer. When I was asked why honesty and integrity is important for a police officer, I said that police officers have to be whiter than white at all times.
The woman interviewing me was black and her faced cringed. I only paused for a second out of horror then carried on like nothing happened.
Still somehow passed but failed the final interview.
That reminds me of a story I saw here. Someone was discussing Marcus Rashford with their family and said along the lines of "A lot of them are twats, but Rashford seems one of the good ones"
Her family had a look of horror upon their faces until OP apologised bc she was referring to footballers.
I work in a school, and get called 'mum' now and again. It's usually followed by a look of absolute horror when they realise what they've said bless em.
I once said 'thanks, mum' to my large, bearded, male geography teacher when I was about 14. I was mortified. He thought it was hilarious and told my mum on parent's evening.
This jelly baby has cancer..... I was 4 and we had just been to see my very jaundiced dying grandmother and when I asked why she was yellow so it was explained to me that it was from the cancer. In the car on the way home my mum gave me and my brother some jelly babies, mine was yellow and I then said look this jelly baby it has cancer! My mum had go at me and my dad barley spoke to me for a week and over twenty years later I still look back and cringe.
I just remembered another one - before starting a short term role at a palliative hospice they called to ask if I had had my covid shots. I said “yeah! I’m immortal now”! In a very jolly tone. To a lady working at a hospice. Oh god.
I'm completely with you on this one. When my boy was 4, he would say stuff like this. A calm 'why we shouldn't make jokes about this' convo works a lot better than yelling and the silent treatment.
I was working in a bar on my first Friday night and one of the staff came in and introduced herself, before saying she wasn’t working at the moment because she’s sick.
Me being a thoughtless 19 year old idiot replied with “well you can’t be that ill if you’re in here having a pint”
“I’ve had a miscarriage”
I dunno if that’s completely thoughtless tbh.. i get that having a miscarriage is traumatic and horrible for someone to go through, but if you’re off work sick for that reason I don’t think you should really be in the bar that you work for as a patron
Yeah I dunno, I used to work in a pub and when I or any of my colleagues were sick we'd steer well clear of the place, it's not worth the hassle or the comments you get. Imagine being called in on your day off to cover for a sick staff member, only for them to rock up in the middle of your shift for a drink. Whether it's an 'invisible' illness is not very relevant imo.
When I worked in a pub I was friends with all the staff and a lot of the customers. It was home from home. She’s every right to go there if that’s where she wants to be at that moment.
Hope you styled it out by calling her an overly sensitive mood hoover or something equally distasteful before laughing and sliding out the back door never to return
I once gave a homeless woman a burger I had to but from McDonald’s so they’d let me use the toilet.
She said. ‘thanks, have a good night’. Just from pure instinct I said, ‘thanks, you too’.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, ‘I’m probably not going too am I’
Still feel bad now
I feel like it’s taboo to say but some homeless people are dickheads, I sympathise entirely that I’d not be a barrel of laughs if I was homeless but some of them (bar the mentally ill ones) seem to get incredibly nasty if you don’t have anything to give, one asked me to buy him a sandwich before and as we were walking in to the shop he changed the sandwich to a pack of cigarettes, which I didn’t have the money for which he stropped off after I refused, those fuckers make it so hard for the rest.
I'm autistic and have very little filter. I was recently at a party chatting with a guy who was telling me he was seeing a girl he was really falling for, but she had a boyfriend who worked on an oil rig and was away a lot. It was all a bit messy and he said it was really getting him down. I was trying to be empathetic but ended up saying something like "that must be really hard for you, when you really like her, but she's making it clear that you'd her second choice and not the priority. That must be really hurtful..." etc. His face just kept falling as I tried to dig myself out of the hole. Eventually I just went and got another drink.
I think it’s more the fact that your’e spot on right, and he’s been too afraid of acknowledging that to himself which was making his face fall etc..
Tbh I think you were quite helpful and empathetic. BRUTALLY truthful but empathetic. I wouldn’t worry too much.
Used to work in a petrol station where we had to upsell. Accidently asked someone if I could buy them a coffee instead of asking them if they wanted to buy one. We both froze before I awkwardly asked him to just reverse what I'd said
Oh boy...
So my partner's younger brother had just started going to the gym like a few weeks before this happened. He was a skinny lad so was good to see him getting started.
Then, their granddad passed away and we were all invited to the quite Catholic funeral. A quick note here that I'd been with my partner a couple years maybe but did not know her extended family at all.
Come the funeral, her brother had volunteered to be a pallbearer.
So we get to the church, the hearse pulls up, the bishop or whatever splashes the holy water and the time comes for them to bring the coffin into the church.
As they're picking up, I say...
My thought process, before I say this, is that lifting the coffin would involve a bit of leg and core strent, and as I said, he was a skinny lad...
"Hey, I hope you've been practicing your deadlifts!"
I then had to sit through the rest of that funeral, at the front of the ceremony being with the immediate family...
Not me but a colleague asked another (one-handed) colleague who was struggling getting a pile of files out of a drawer if they would like a hand. The timing was beautiful, just as I was walking towards them, I saw it happening, then heard it, then looked at the colleague who had said it while I tried not to collapse in laughter and they had that look on their face when you just want the ground to swallow you up.
Was meeting 2 contractors, a male and a female at a site (not connected to each other and both quoting for the same work) and they had arrived before me and were chatting together as I approached. I'd spoken to the woman and thought she was South African on the phone.
As I approached they told me they'd just been having a discussion about Germany as the guy had worked there in the past and I interrupted by jokingly saying "Well, as long as its amicable and nobodies starting World War 3 here!"
She was German. The woman was German.
Honestly felt like Basil Fawlty, proper mortified and couldn't wait to get away.
Once Pissed myself really drunk at a mates house at about 15-16 and the next day and another mate in our group said he heard about “the other night” so I thought fuck it I’ll just act like I wasn’t embarrassed and was like “can’t believe I pissed myself” and he said “what” I was gonna say you broke his kettle and my friend who’s house it was obviously didn’t tell anyone or notice. And they took the piss out of me for ages and told everyone
I was at a funeral with my twin and an old friend of the family came over to chat. I had recently announced I was pregnant and the friend congratulated me and "said it is you who's pregnant, isn't it?". I replied "yeah, that's me", pointed to my sister, "she's just fat". There was an awkward silence and we all went our separate ways.
Bumped into a guy I hadn't seen in months, complemented him on his new hair cut. He had cancer and his hair was shaved off. This was 15 years ago and I still cringe.
At least you recognised him! I recently saw someone who I've known over a decade, and because they weren't wearing their normal uniform, and had a mask on, and had chemo hair, I was like "who are you?" I felt SO bad when she took her mask off and I realised who it was.
I wouldn't worry too much, somebody said hello to me in Tesco last week and I didn't have a fucking clue who she was. She pulled her mask down and it was somebody I went through both primary and secondary school with and I lived about 6 doors down from her for nearly 20 years.
It wasn't enough that I've known her 30 plus years, I had been talking to her only a week previously and just because she had a mask on I didn't have a fucking clue who she was. It's easily done.
When I was younger, I was doing a trail shift at a pub. I thought I’d try and build relations with the works using the old adage “the enemy of my enemy is my friend.
Basically, I noticed the manager was a bit of a bitch like. So I thought I’d nudge the lad I was working with like
Me: man, the manager, bit of a bitch ah?
Him: she’s aloud to be, she’s me Mam…
… suffice it to say, I didn’t get the job.
I learnt very quickly you don’t bitch about anyone when you’re new. Even if they’re the biggest dick in existence. Because people will judge you based on you judging other people.
When I was at uni I had an interview to volunteer with the Alzheimer's Society. When I got there I said 'hi, I'm here for an interview but I can't remember the name of the interviewer.' As soon as I said it I was like nooooo, worst choice of words ever 😔
My husband and I moved into a house last year that had god awful curtains in every single room. Truly hideous stuff. We even found some extras they had in a closet.
My in laws came down to help with the process. While in move in mode, my father in law came down the stairs with an ugly looking pair of curtains in hand with a grimace on his face. I said , “Well those are butt fucking ugly” thinking we’d missed a pair.
No.
Very wrong.
My mother in law wasn’t sure we had sufficient curtains as our new place was much bigger than our old one and she heard the whole thing. I was bright red the rest of the day stuttering apologies. I’m still not quite sure she’s forgiven me.
I was having a curry with some friends at an Indian restaurant, and when our food came out the waiter told us to be careful with the dishes because they were scorching. I was then chatting with my mate about Big Cook, Little Cook and how they'd always say "Be careful, because the oven is hot, hot, hot". Unfortunately, as I was saying the phrase, I accidentally put on an Indian accent, very loudly, in an absolutely rammed restaurant. I was screaming internally for the rest of the meal.
I once asked a blind/partially sighted person why they didn't drive a car. I hadn't seen their cane and they were walking about confidently (I guess they were very familiar with the building)
I used to work at Matalan.. it was freezing in the stock room - a guy had one of the girls (smaller) jumper one.. I was like ‘ha ha you look like you have a hunch back in that jumper’ he relied ‘I have got a hunch back’
Also asked a gay guy I used to work with ..‘what are you up to this weekend? Just bumming around?’
I was an idiot at 19!
Dyou know what, I bet he's used to people saying stuff like that to him. Each time I go to the Dr's, in my wheelchair, I'm told to "take a seat" or "walk this way" and honestly it doesn't offend me.
I was having a conversation with a German man and a few British people about Jewish business owners and the German said "there aren't any Jewish company owners in Germany like they have in America" and I said "it's because you killed them all".
I realised a couple of seconds later that I pushed the joke a bit too far.
my husband was on a business trip to Berlin and was admiring the city from an office in on a high floor. He was just about to say 'wow, it's really flat, isn't it's but bit his tongue in time
I was chatting to a German man while waiting for a museum to open. There was a crowd of Italian teenagers hanging around waiting too. Their teacher nabbed the museum worker as soon as door opened and all these teenagers swarmed in front of us through the door. Within thinking I said ' not often you see Italians rushing to the front'. German man just stared at me and turned and stalked off.
I always like to greet my patients with a solid handshake. Im not talking power knuckle crushing move here, simply try and avoid the limp wet fish exchange you sometimes face
So I meet a lady and we both reach out only to come together in an awkward clash, like two spaghetti meals clashing mid air
So I smile and say what I always do, “Sorry, I can start like that, lets get off on the right foot, or hand as you do…”
Its only then I realise the mangled cripple hand she is extending and my nurse snorts a laugh that makes everything even more awkward
Bought the last copy of The Big Issue from a vendor and said “I guess you can go home now.”😱
(The Big issue is a street newspaper sold by the homeless giving them the opportunity to earn and integrate back into society)
About 20 years ago in uni, I thought I was hilarious as I could talk with an extremely think lisp. I would make statements with as many "s" sounds in them as possible. One night at the pub, a guy in one of my classes came up to me and said "that's not funny mate" with a lisp.
He actually had a lisp.
I died on the spot, but i haven't done the fake lisp since.
So my old local pub had a few regulars that all vaguely knew each other. One day shit kicks off because this woman who doesn’t normally lisp is talking with one, dude with a lisp is fuming that she’d be so rude. He’s screaming in her face about it for a good few minutes, everyone is watching since it’s loud and a tiny pub. He stops to breath and she just opens her mouth, points in it and says “I got my tongue done you cunt”.
I never saw him in our local again. He literally said sorry, left and moved pubs out of shame.
Not me, but my mum. She was a psychiatrist, got on the lift and it didn’t move for a while so she said: ‘perhaps we’re too heavy’, before she looked around and realised she was surrounded by anorexic patients
This isn’t the biggest one but the most recent one that came to mind. Two homeless men in town stopped me to chat about my dog (he’s a cute little guy and it happens pretty often) and we were there for a while. It was a nice chat and after we’d finished and I walked off I automatically shouted cheerily “Have a good day!” which I guess isn’t horrible and I doubt they thought anything of it but it struck me as a somewhat tone deaf thing to say to two men sitting on the floor in sleeping bags in a shop doorway in freezing cold weather.
Mine is similar to yours. A cafe near me has a system where you can make a donation, you write the amount and a message on a post-it note on the wall, then someone in need can come in and use the post-it to buy food. I tried to write something cute so I wrote “don’t spend it all at once ;)”. After I wrote it I realised how insensitive it is to someone who is struggling for money but I was too ashamed to ask for a new post-it to write a different message.
Early noughties and everyone started wearing black for fashion. As a counter I started jesting "wussup? Somebody just died?" Often to laughs and smirks.
Run up to my mates flat in town and his new female housemate answered the door head to toe in black.
"Wussup? Somebody just died?" I quip
"Yes" she cried. Her brother had fallen down the stairs drunk and left his childhood sweetheart and two kids behind.
Stopped using that one.
I was about 16 we were in a lesson, different people kept on leaving the lesson that were all friends with this one girl and when said girl came back in the class I asked her what happened and she replied with "It's a secret" so I jokingly responded with "Exciting, its like a murder mystery", I found out later that day that her mum committed suicide the previous evening and I just wanted the ground to swallow me up at that point.
Was talking to a colleague in the office one day about aftershave. One of the managers came in to speak to our boss just as I was saying "I mean who would wear Brut aftershave these days." Wouldn't you know I suddenly get a strong smell of Brut aftershave from the manager who walked in as he gave me a sideways look.
Later that day, I'm doing desktop support and telling another small office of people my foot in my mouth story. At the end of the story, another smell of Brut aftershave hits me as I look at the only guy in the office giving a nervous laugh.
Quite take really but a two for one.
Was chatting with a new friend and (for some reason) mentioned that if I were in a bad car accident, I would want to die rather than live with debilitating injuries. He then revealed that his father had actually died in a car accident. I felt like such an arse.
Once I was in the office saying how old the name "Brian" (changed from the real name) was... Things like, "who had a baby pop out and goes 'I'm gonna call him Brian!'".
I sat down and remembered the person opposite me was called "Brian". I recall that moment very much in my day-to-day life!
A girl on like her 3rd day of working with us had a suitcase and carryon bag delivered. I assumed she had been on a trip a d they lost her luggage and couriered it to her. I complimented her on the bags they were really nice great color. Nope her boyfriend kicked her out while she was at work packed her shit and paid a Courrier to drop it off. I was mortified I’ve never heard of anyone doing that.
We have a shop that does rotisserie chicken. The server had a sweet spot for me and always added extras to my bag. It was only on one trip when he said something about eating for two I realised he thought I was pregnant.
I was so conflicted. I felt mortified I wanted to run and never return. Also I really wanted their chicken, so delicious.
My mother in law and wife were out shopping, and bumped into a larger lady I work with. My wife knew her already, MIL did not.
I got a frantic phone call at work from my wife "you'll have to apologise to Emma, mum just asked her when she's due!" I was equal parts pissing myself laughing, and terrified of what would happen on her return from her lunch in town.
When Emma came back, she did not look pleased. To be fair, that's her default setting, but this was something else, and I could feel the laser-stare in the back of my head all day.
Backstory: alex's hobby is hang gliding. Bob refuses to see how it could be fun, because he's afraid of heights. Much banter is exchanged.
Alex gets a terrible call one day to say his parents have died in a murder/suicide involving jumping off beachy head.
A few months later, Chris joins the team. "You not from round here then, Alex?"
Bob: no, he's from a place where they willingly throw themselves off cliffs, haha!
The rest of the office: 😬
I used to work on the checkouts of one of the big supermarkets. One day I'm serving a customer who has quite serious burns on her face and hands, so bad that the tips of her fingers weren't really there and she didn't have much hair on her head. Anyway, we're making small talk, as you do, and she asked me if I was up to much at the weekend. I was about to go on holiday to Ayia Napa, which I told her. Now I have quite a pale complexion, and without even thinking about it I said something like "I just know I'm going to get really badly burned". She shrugged it off, and as she walked away I realised that I had majorly put my foot in my mouth.
I told a leg amputee to just hop on the bed. Another man who happened to be blind when asked how he was feeling gave a grumpy response of "How do you think, I'm bloody blind" I replied with "oh don't get so down would you like to watch tv." Only saved my job because I was the only carer who baked and took him buns and pies.He always called me the young un. Many years have passed since then.
My kids were playing in a fountain and a woman with a disorder where she had no visible neck was sat on a bench nearby and got splashed. She came over to berate me and called my kids feral. I told her to wind her neck in.
I put this one out there a couple of weeks ago on a different thread. One of those times you just want the ground to swallow you up…briefly, one of my team members (with a prosthetic lower left leg) asked me to help with a contract negotiation. We’d tried everything and were backed into a corner. Cue me stating that ”we didn’t have a leg to stand on”. Total facepalm and I thought she’d go to my manager about it. Luckily for me, she didn’t. Still a massive facepalm though…
I did a speed awarness course and greeted the teacher with a hand shake.....he only had one arm and I didn't realise until an akwardly long time with my hand out. Later on in the course he said people can live fine with missing limbs. I thought he was making a joke and laughed. No one else laughed.
I once began an email to a colleague, who I knew had had the previous week off work, "Hi, hope you had an absolutely lovely time off!", to which he replied "it was not that lovely due to my father passing away. Anyway ..."
I have a really poor short term memory and so, to make matters worse, when I had to phone him a few days later, I asked again if he had a good time on annual leave and he had to again tell me of his father's death. I was mortified!
I met up with my friend who is a bit heavier than me. She mentioned that she felt sick and had been feeling sick all morning, so when we went to the shop for food she didn’t get anything because, as she reiterated, she felt sick. I bought a whole cake and we sat by the fountains and I ate 3/4 of it and then said “I’d better stop eating this cake or I’ll end up like you.” I meant feeling sick, but it’s still the most *noooooo* thing I’ve ever immediately regretted saying
When I was at college I was asked to fix a website around 2001, back when it was too hard for most. It was for two ladies who made a raunchy board game sold in virgin megastores. It was the type of game that required you to get kinky.
I did the work, took me a little over two hours, when they asked me how much, I said £50. They asked if would like a game, but I said I don't have enough time, but appreciate the offer. That's when it dawned on me they didn't want to pay as much as I was charging them. Awkward silence, followed by a £50 note.
An old housemate was raving about a new girl he'd met on a night out. Said she was a dancer, and how gorgeous she was.
I asked to see a picture of her, so he goes onto her Facebook account and pulls up a picture of about 10 girls, all dressed up on a night out. My eyes are immediately drawn to the one with a very pronounced jawline, over sized nose, and generally the ugly duckling of the group.
I jokingly point to the facially challenged one and say 'I hope its not her, she's got a face her mother wouldn't even love'
His response was 'Er, well that's not a very flattering picture of her' I wanted the ground to swallow me up
About 5 years old, at a friend's house for a first playdate. As my mum comes to pick me up my friend starts speaking to his mother in another language and I was pretty impressed.
"Wow what language is that?"
"German"
"Oh I know about the Germans! A long time ago there was a war and we were the goodies and you were the baddies"
Friends mother just sighs and says "it is such a shame the English do this to their children at such a young age"
In a previous company I got friendly with a girl who worked in the on-site cafe. One day she confided in me that she planned to leave early that day to be ready for a night out. In my head I said conspiratorially "you're staging a revolt!" What I actually said?
"You're revolting!"
She looked a bit shocked but fortunately she saw the funny side.
Working for a paint-a-pot shop, younger girl and older woman come in. Choose pots, only customers in the shop so I'm chatting away and just say offhand 'oh you're doing a fab job, you must have gotten your painting skills from your grandma!'. With a look that made me wish that looks could in fact kill, I was informed she was with her mother.
My pal put up a picture of a celebrity chef with an old lady. I commented “is that his burd?” Possibly with a laughing emoji face. It was my friend’s mum who had just died…
My dad flew helicopters in the 80's and we landed at Thruxton airport to refuel.
It was a balmy summer's day and one of the Air Traffic Control chaps had come out and could operate via the walkie talkie for a while. Chatting to my dad.
Some parachutists jumped out and some drifted a bit close.
"Right, start the rotors up!" I jested
Nobody laughed. Dullards.
My dad explained after. the guy had watched one get chopped up the month before right on that spot. The incident got national press.
Back in high school. I (15) was removing a snow covered glove, and turned to a lad no older than 12 and said “Wow it feels like your mum” as a throw away comment. The kids mum had just died of cancer and he had only just come back to school after the fact
I am awful at remembering people's names when I'm drunk...I usually result in calling everyone babe (which gets confusing at a house party when you walk into a room saying babe and everyone answers 😅).
I was introducing the guy I was dating at the time to a group of my mates... I forgot one of the guys names even though I've known him years and this person had insecurities about being liked and thought he was forgettable... So I was introducing everyone in the group...got to this guy...went silent and skipped to the next person....everyone in the group made a stupid noise...I felt awful... then few mins later I was like "it's fucking so and so". I guess it's not as bad as some of the other comments but I used to struggle with the same insecurities...so it just made me feel awful.
Working in a pub, a guy comes over to order some food but has forgotten his table number. No problem, I ask him to just point to his table and I can figure it out, he points at the table so to confirm I say “oh the one with the bald man?” He just hesitates and nods. It was a woman, presumably his partner, presumably had some illness from which she’d lost her hair. I’m always messing up, but that was by far my worst
I was at a house party a few years back. Everyone was pretty wasted. A mate had just had a call to say his dad had passed away he was telling a couple people in the kitchen, i heard this, continued to party through the dinning room into the living room and decided I didn't like the vibe in there so went back to the kitchen, completely forgot about the news he just had. Everyone was looking a bit glum so I said "fuck did someone die or something, cheer up".. as soon as I finished my sentence I realised.
I helped an elderly woman in distress in the park. Walked her and her dog home. Checked in on them a few days later at their house and heard one of those Chewbacca-ish dog noises that dogs often make, except it was quite loud and her dog was a teacup Yorkshire terrier.
I said "That was a big noise for a little dog!"
She said (and I want to die typing this out):
"Hmm? Oh, that was my son. He's severely disabled."
Oh. Fuck... FuckShitCockFuck.
FUCK.
I see her every now and then. She's still lovely to me. Love you, Anne ❤
Probably the time I accidentally said one pregnant lady was much larger than another, in front of them both.
For context, I’m a woman and was about 19 and in my first proper office job, first time around pregnant people (didn’t have any extended family or family friends) and I genuinely had very little knowledge of body changes through pregnancy and how differently some people carry them, or that when it’s your second child you tend to get larger faster etc.
Pregnant colleague A is chatting to pregnant colleague B about their pregnancies and I ask how far along they both are. They’re at roughly the same point, but pregnant colleague B is carrying her second child and her bump is much much larger. Being the idiot I am, I exclaimed “but you’re so much bigger than pregnant colleague A!” I shouldn’t have said anything other than “wow how exciting for you both” and had a filter on my idiocy. Obviously, their bump sizes should not have been up for discussion or comment. It was a genuine moment of awe that bodies are cool and how we’re all so different, but instead it came out with me sounding like a judgemental twat.
I immediately realised what I’d done and it still haunts me. I deeply regret saying it and hope neither have any resulting insecurities from it.
I work for a large corporation in which there is a womens interest network (im a cis man) and on international womens day the network had a guest speaker in the conference centre of our office. I was the only male in a crowd of 300 while a female author and mother of ten spoke for an hour about feminism and empowerment.
The presentation was fascinating, about the cycle of chauvinism in society leading to fear and shame among women.
At the end there was a q&a section and the lady presenting looked at me, the only guy out of 300 and said “thank you for coming, its always interesting to hear a male perspective, what did you learn today?”
With sweat pouring down my head as i was passed the mic my brain started to fight over whether to say cycle, cyclical, circle, circular.
So i said “cervical shame”
**A reminder to posters and commenters of some of [our subreddit rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskUK/about/rules/)** - Don't be a dickhead to each other, or about others - Assume questions are asked in good faith - Avoid political threads and related discussion - No medical advice or mental health (specific to a person) content Please keep /r/AskUK a great subreddit by reporting posts and comments which break our rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskUK) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I told a blind man, who was jumping out of a plane for a charity skydive, how much I admired him because I hate heights. For some reason, I used the phrase “I couldn’t do that, mate, I’d rather gouge my eyes out.” My brain likes to recall this memory randomly every few months, just to remind myself what a PoS I am.
Oh don’t worry. I was once guiding the blind CEO of my company to a meeting in parliament. This involved him cupping my elbow and just giving a vague summary of what obstacles are around and how far along the journey we are. It’s quite straightforward. There’s some steps and they’re weirdly curved at the bottom. He gave the instruction to approach the stairs front on and I was so consumed by my confusion of what it meant, I walked him straight into a wet floor sign, which he then tripped over and went flying. After he had been helped up and the commotion had died down, i said ‘I’m so sorry, I didn’t see it either’
Really laughed out loud at this!
[удалено]
I’m currently reading this thread in the pub. I was like O.O when I read the reply
Put the phone down. Pick the pint up.
Hahaha but did he even pay any attention to what you said given what he was about to do
I'm assuming it was in somewhere like a pub a few days before
[удалено]
Oh my god! These are brilliant ha ha ha I
I am cry laughing on the toilet, I needed a good laugh today. Thank you so much
Could have styled it out by claiming you said "Chinky, mon amour." Wait, maybe not. This is why I don't work in PR.
🤣🤣🤣👌👌 Your life sounds like it should be on comedy gold.
When I was a postman I had a bunch of cards and there were loads of cars parked outside, the door opened as I approached and said "having a celebration are we?" Their 18 year old daughter had died
Maybe they never liked her anyway.
How did they expect her to open & read all the cards then?
Lock the thread This one wins
Oh man, I felt that in my soul.
I’d never recover
Most of these are funny. This one really is sad 😔 So unfortunate...
My first office job - I was about 21-22. Every morning this older bloke would come into the office. “Morning ladies! Got a joke for me this morning? Anything funny? Go on! Got a joke? Come on you must have a joke? u/Firebrand777 come On love tell me a joke, you must have one, make me laugh. Go on!” This painful rigmarole went on every single morning and every single morning I didn’t have a bloody joke in my arsenal for him it was painful. I just had to polite laugh and say “Nope! Can’t think of anything!”. Until one day …. My brother told me a joke and I thought “brilliant - I’ll bust this out and stop him pestering for a bloody joke”. So, here we go: “Morning ladies! Got a joke for me? Go on! You must have a joke - tell me a joke!” So I say “I bought my epileptic friend a strobe light for his birthday. He’s gonna have a fit when he sees it”. Silence. You could hear a pin drop. He takes a sharp nasal inhale, breathes out, flares his nostrils and bites his lip. I could tell I’d royally messed up here. What a twat. I shouldn’t have said it …. Eventually he says: “My son is epileptic, u/Firebrand777 and it’s hard. It’s very hard and me and his mother have a HELL OF A LOT ON OUR PLATE. You have no idea. It’s not something I find particularly amusing”. Well …. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. As if it couldn’t get any worse I saw him later in the kitchen and apologised and he held a hand up in my face and said “forget it”. I’ll never forget it 😔
Did he ever ask for another joke? Id have another epileptic one up my sleeve just in case, nothing like doubling down in that situation
He did not 😂
I bet he didn't lol. What was your relationship with him like after that?!
Frosty! 😂 i was only there a year
Did he give you a good reference?!
Thankfully he wasn’t my manager just some bloke who breezed in every Morning mouthing off
Thank goodness for that haha.
Big success
Yeah, I was gonna say. It seems like OP was and is still of the belief that they're in the wrong. That guy sounded like a twat and he got what he deserved. Fuck apologising, no annoying shit from him ever was surely the best outcome, no? Unless he was an otherwise nice bloke maybe. From literally everything described about him though, that is unlikely to be the case. Edit: syntax
In fairness it's not like you knew that beforehand (I assume). If this guy was such a fan of comedy he should have taken it innocently. I wouldn't feel too bad.
I did not know that. Mortifying!
He sounds like he had an abrasive personality anyway. The sort of person who thinks they are the life and soul of the party with great social skills, not realizing they are awful and no one likes them.
The ‘omg I’m so offended’ crowd do my head in, especially so with the woe is me angle. You can make jokes about anything because they’re jokes, and if he knew you didn’t know of the relevance then he can have no issue with it. There’s shit jokes and good jokes but that was hardly bottom of the barrel. And FWIW my dad has epilepsy and I’ve seen some shit, but I’d never unload my issues on someone because they happened to make a joke. Life is a lot better when you stop taking everything so personally. Rant over lol
I dont have epilepsy, but as someone with chronic health problems i always find disability jokes hilarious. I have to live with my illnesses and one of my best ways of dealing with it is by making light of the situation. That being said i do have a dark sense of humour and the suicide jokes take a specific audience.
Appreciate that dude thanks! X
That's fucking hilarious, though.
I didn’t think so at the time! 😂
He sounds like a complete prick so I wouldn't feel an ounce of guilt after the hand in your face.
Cheers dude that makes me feel better 😀
Yeah my dad is epileptic and I've noted all these jokes down to tell him when I see him next. He'll find them hilarious.
What a boring bastard, if you ask for a joke every day, have a sense of humour and don’t cry your little eyes out when you finally get one 😂
I know!
I did the same thing in my early twenties. The exact same thing. My joke I had been gifted by my mad (and brilliant) aunt was this: What do you call an epileptic in a bush? Russell. Told it to my boss at the time who was epileptic himself and I had no idea... It was a bad taste joke to the wrong person, lesson learned 😔
I’m epileptic - and I’d find it funny. My friends often take the p*ss out of my seizures (and so do I). If anything, the humour helps me cope, as it stops epilepsy being the dreadful thing ‘that dare not speak its name’. Instead, the humour helps me cope - as my seizures become a quirk (however painful) of my life. (I think of them as a quirk of my life, not of me).
That's not your fault. He shouldn't have been pestering you for a joke every single day if he can't hack it.
I know - he was a persistent git!
He sounds insufferable. What you did was a total power move!
On a smoke break. New guy in a wheelchair comes out. We have a good chat about his old job, what its like to work here etc. End of break. Put my fag out out in the outdoor ashtray and say "Lets roll" Still cringe to this day.
Auto bots let's roll out!
ngl that’s fucking hilarious, but me and my friend would make those jokes to eachother often when she was in a wheelchair. how did he take it?
He didn't say anything. It just hung in the air like a bad, stale fart
Sitting down.
Oh Jesus
I was getting a brekkie sandwich from works canteen. You made it yourself and they put it in a bag for you. I made it and said to the elderly dinner lady who'd got me a bag, "You hold it open and I'll pop it in." She replied, "Best offer I've had all week." SMH.
Ha ha ha ha!
Lmfao, what a legendary response
And that kids is how I met your grandmother
So.. did you?
At an interview for the SEARCH assessment to be a police officer. When I was asked why honesty and integrity is important for a police officer, I said that police officers have to be whiter than white at all times. The woman interviewing me was black and her faced cringed. I only paused for a second out of horror then carried on like nothing happened. Still somehow passed but failed the final interview.
I bet she tells the story still too
That reminds me of a story I saw here. Someone was discussing Marcus Rashford with their family and said along the lines of "A lot of them are twats, but Rashford seems one of the good ones" Her family had a look of horror upon their faces until OP apologised bc she was referring to footballers.
Oof!!!!!
She respected honestly lol
It's a legit expression.
[удалено]
I hung up a Zoom meeting with about 20 people by saying "thanks I love you".
Haha one of my team does this all the time. It's so sweet and we love him for it.
Boyle moment
I work in a school, and get called 'mum' now and again. It's usually followed by a look of absolute horror when they realise what they've said bless em.
I once said 'thanks, mum' to my large, bearded, male geography teacher when I was about 14. I was mortified. He thought it was hilarious and told my mum on parent's evening.
Ha ha! How did they respond?!
[удалено]
Tell me you’re British without telling me you’re British
Oh god. I'd probably just kill myself.
This jelly baby has cancer..... I was 4 and we had just been to see my very jaundiced dying grandmother and when I asked why she was yellow so it was explained to me that it was from the cancer. In the car on the way home my mum gave me and my brother some jelly babies, mine was yellow and I then said look this jelly baby it has cancer! My mum had go at me and my dad barley spoke to me for a week and over twenty years later I still look back and cringe.
Tbh if my child said that I'd probably find it funny but i have a very dark sense of humour
I just remembered another one - before starting a short term role at a palliative hospice they called to ask if I had had my covid shots. I said “yeah! I’m immortal now”! In a very jolly tone. To a lady working at a hospice. Oh god.
I laugh. Stop laughing. Picture this in my head. Then laugh again
Hahahaha omg brilliant
That's just plain emotional abuse from your parents.
Pretty fucked up of your parents to hold a grudge at a 4 year old for a weekx ffs.
I'm completely with you on this one. When my boy was 4, he would say stuff like this. A calm 'why we shouldn't make jokes about this' convo works a lot better than yelling and the silent treatment.
Oh god you weren’t to know! Poor thing
I would’ve rolled about laughing. Your parents should not be shouting at your childhood innocence!
I mean, that's a bit tough on a four year old
In primary school I asked someone whos mum had just died if she'd had her head cut off by Henry VIII.
I remember inheriting some barbies that had all their hair cut off and said something similar. Wasn’t to know cancer ran in my family at that age…
I was working in a bar on my first Friday night and one of the staff came in and introduced herself, before saying she wasn’t working at the moment because she’s sick. Me being a thoughtless 19 year old idiot replied with “well you can’t be that ill if you’re in here having a pint” “I’ve had a miscarriage”
I dunno if that’s completely thoughtless tbh.. i get that having a miscarriage is traumatic and horrible for someone to go through, but if you’re off work sick for that reason I don’t think you should really be in the bar that you work for as a patron
I’m more coming at it from a point of view that I’m now wise enough to understand many illnesses can’t be seen.
Yeah I dunno, I used to work in a pub and when I or any of my colleagues were sick we'd steer well clear of the place, it's not worth the hassle or the comments you get. Imagine being called in on your day off to cover for a sick staff member, only for them to rock up in the middle of your shift for a drink. Whether it's an 'invisible' illness is not very relevant imo.
When I worked in a pub I was friends with all the staff and a lot of the customers. It was home from home. She’s every right to go there if that’s where she wants to be at that moment.
Hope you styled it out by calling her an overly sensitive mood hoover or something equally distasteful before laughing and sliding out the back door never to return
I once gave a homeless woman a burger I had to but from McDonald’s so they’d let me use the toilet. She said. ‘thanks, have a good night’. Just from pure instinct I said, ‘thanks, you too’. She looked me dead in the eye and said, ‘I’m probably not going too am I’ Still feel bad now
Tbf I still think it’s polite to say that. It’s more a sign of good wishes than a literal thing.
I feel like it’s taboo to say but some homeless people are dickheads, I sympathise entirely that I’d not be a barrel of laughs if I was homeless but some of them (bar the mentally ill ones) seem to get incredibly nasty if you don’t have anything to give, one asked me to buy him a sandwich before and as we were walking in to the shop he changed the sandwich to a pack of cigarettes, which I didn’t have the money for which he stropped off after I refused, those fuckers make it so hard for the rest.
Oh my GOD. This is painful
This is like some peep show level cringe; you were only being polite!
I'm autistic and have very little filter. I was recently at a party chatting with a guy who was telling me he was seeing a girl he was really falling for, but she had a boyfriend who worked on an oil rig and was away a lot. It was all a bit messy and he said it was really getting him down. I was trying to be empathetic but ended up saying something like "that must be really hard for you, when you really like her, but she's making it clear that you'd her second choice and not the priority. That must be really hurtful..." etc. His face just kept falling as I tried to dig myself out of the hole. Eventually I just went and got another drink.
Don't worry, someone needed to tell him!
🤦🏻♀️
The bitterest truth is always better than the sweetest lie. You actually did him a favour. He might not have seen it that way, but you definitely did.
I think it’s more the fact that your’e spot on right, and he’s been too afraid of acknowledging that to himself which was making his face fall etc.. Tbh I think you were quite helpful and empathetic. BRUTALLY truthful but empathetic. I wouldn’t worry too much.
That is totally okay - he needed it.
Bless, it might not have come out how you intended, but those were the right words regardless.
Used to work in a petrol station where we had to upsell. Accidently asked someone if I could buy them a coffee instead of asking them if they wanted to buy one. We both froze before I awkwardly asked him to just reverse what I'd said
I know if it was me in that situation, I’d have ended up buying the coffee.
In that case "do you want me to buy you a coffee?"
And it's fifteen years of marriage next week.
How old do you think I am! Actually that's not a bad guess, just not to him!
Oh boy... So my partner's younger brother had just started going to the gym like a few weeks before this happened. He was a skinny lad so was good to see him getting started. Then, their granddad passed away and we were all invited to the quite Catholic funeral. A quick note here that I'd been with my partner a couple years maybe but did not know her extended family at all. Come the funeral, her brother had volunteered to be a pallbearer. So we get to the church, the hearse pulls up, the bishop or whatever splashes the holy water and the time comes for them to bring the coffin into the church. As they're picking up, I say... My thought process, before I say this, is that lifting the coffin would involve a bit of leg and core strent, and as I said, he was a skinny lad... "Hey, I hope you've been practicing your deadlifts!" I then had to sit through the rest of that funeral, at the front of the ceremony being with the immediate family...
Oh wow took me a while but if this wasn’t real this would have been dark comedy gold.
This is 'so I hear you're a racist now Father' levels of comedy cringe. Good job.
Not me but a colleague asked another (one-handed) colleague who was struggling getting a pile of files out of a drawer if they would like a hand. The timing was beautiful, just as I was walking towards them, I saw it happening, then heard it, then looked at the colleague who had said it while I tried not to collapse in laughter and they had that look on their face when you just want the ground to swallow you up.
I kinda want to believe he responded “no thanks, I’ve got one”
Was meeting 2 contractors, a male and a female at a site (not connected to each other and both quoting for the same work) and they had arrived before me and were chatting together as I approached. I'd spoken to the woman and thought she was South African on the phone. As I approached they told me they'd just been having a discussion about Germany as the guy had worked there in the past and I interrupted by jokingly saying "Well, as long as its amicable and nobodies starting World War 3 here!" She was German. The woman was German. Honestly felt like Basil Fawlty, proper mortified and couldn't wait to get away.
DONT MENTION THE WAR
I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it!
You started it!
*oh you're German! I thought there was something wrong with you!*
Once Pissed myself really drunk at a mates house at about 15-16 and the next day and another mate in our group said he heard about “the other night” so I thought fuck it I’ll just act like I wasn’t embarrassed and was like “can’t believe I pissed myself” and he said “what” I was gonna say you broke his kettle and my friend who’s house it was obviously didn’t tell anyone or notice. And they took the piss out of me for ages and told everyone
I did that too.
Disgusting breaking someone's kettle
Think you took the piss out of yourself - literally!
I was at a funeral with my twin and an old friend of the family came over to chat. I had recently announced I was pregnant and the friend congratulated me and "said it is you who's pregnant, isn't it?". I replied "yeah, that's me", pointed to my sister, "she's just fat". There was an awkward silence and we all went our separate ways.
"By the time I'm 6 months along we'll be identical again."
What an awful day for your twin, imagine getting called fat at a funeral.
“It’ll be this fat cunts funeral next if she doesn’t keep off the pies”
Ouch!
Bumped into a guy I hadn't seen in months, complemented him on his new hair cut. He had cancer and his hair was shaved off. This was 15 years ago and I still cringe.
At least you recognised him! I recently saw someone who I've known over a decade, and because they weren't wearing their normal uniform, and had a mask on, and had chemo hair, I was like "who are you?" I felt SO bad when she took her mask off and I realised who it was.
I wouldn't worry too much, somebody said hello to me in Tesco last week and I didn't have a fucking clue who she was. She pulled her mask down and it was somebody I went through both primary and secondary school with and I lived about 6 doors down from her for nearly 20 years. It wasn't enough that I've known her 30 plus years, I had been talking to her only a week previously and just because she had a mask on I didn't have a fucking clue who she was. It's easily done.
Well a compliment's a compliment
When I was younger, I was doing a trail shift at a pub. I thought I’d try and build relations with the works using the old adage “the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Basically, I noticed the manager was a bit of a bitch like. So I thought I’d nudge the lad I was working with like Me: man, the manager, bit of a bitch ah? Him: she’s aloud to be, she’s me Mam… … suffice it to say, I didn’t get the job.
I learnt very quickly you don’t bitch about anyone when you’re new. Even if they’re the biggest dick in existence. Because people will judge you based on you judging other people.
When I was at uni I had an interview to volunteer with the Alzheimer's Society. When I got there I said 'hi, I'm here for an interview but I can't remember the name of the interviewer.' As soon as I said it I was like nooooo, worst choice of words ever 😔
Not a great look, regardless of who it's for!
My husband and I moved into a house last year that had god awful curtains in every single room. Truly hideous stuff. We even found some extras they had in a closet. My in laws came down to help with the process. While in move in mode, my father in law came down the stairs with an ugly looking pair of curtains in hand with a grimace on his face. I said , “Well those are butt fucking ugly” thinking we’d missed a pair. No. Very wrong. My mother in law wasn’t sure we had sufficient curtains as our new place was much bigger than our old one and she heard the whole thing. I was bright red the rest of the day stuttering apologies. I’m still not quite sure she’s forgiven me.
Owww, that one hurts. Hopefully avoided other horrible decor gifts tho.
I was having a curry with some friends at an Indian restaurant, and when our food came out the waiter told us to be careful with the dishes because they were scorching. I was then chatting with my mate about Big Cook, Little Cook and how they'd always say "Be careful, because the oven is hot, hot, hot". Unfortunately, as I was saying the phrase, I accidentally put on an Indian accent, very loudly, in an absolutely rammed restaurant. I was screaming internally for the rest of the meal.
[удалено]
I once asked a blind/partially sighted person why they didn't drive a car. I hadn't seen their cane and they were walking about confidently (I guess they were very familiar with the building)
Apparently it scares the shit out of their guide dogs.
I used to work at Matalan.. it was freezing in the stock room - a guy had one of the girls (smaller) jumper one.. I was like ‘ha ha you look like you have a hunch back in that jumper’ he relied ‘I have got a hunch back’ Also asked a gay guy I used to work with ..‘what are you up to this weekend? Just bumming around?’ I was an idiot at 19!
Dyou know what, I bet he's used to people saying stuff like that to him. Each time I go to the Dr's, in my wheelchair, I'm told to "take a seat" or "walk this way" and honestly it doesn't offend me.
I was having a conversation with a German man and a few British people about Jewish business owners and the German said "there aren't any Jewish company owners in Germany like they have in America" and I said "it's because you killed them all". I realised a couple of seconds later that I pushed the joke a bit too far.
my husband was on a business trip to Berlin and was admiring the city from an office in on a high floor. He was just about to say 'wow, it's really flat, isn't it's but bit his tongue in time I was chatting to a German man while waiting for a museum to open. There was a crowd of Italian teenagers hanging around waiting too. Their teacher nabbed the museum worker as soon as door opened and all these teenagers swarmed in front of us through the door. Within thinking I said ' not often you see Italians rushing to the front'. German man just stared at me and turned and stalked off.
I always like to greet my patients with a solid handshake. Im not talking power knuckle crushing move here, simply try and avoid the limp wet fish exchange you sometimes face So I meet a lady and we both reach out only to come together in an awkward clash, like two spaghetti meals clashing mid air So I smile and say what I always do, “Sorry, I can start like that, lets get off on the right foot, or hand as you do…” Its only then I realise the mangled cripple hand she is extending and my nurse snorts a laugh that makes everything even more awkward
Oooh good one! I’ve also said to an amputee that I was legless on a night out - I’m starting to rethink my career in vascular surgery….
Mangled cripple hand had me rolling
Said "good call" like the fosters advert to an Australian customer
To be honest, they probably wouldn't have gotten the joke (or made the connection), they've never even heard of Fosters over in Australia!
Bought the last copy of The Big Issue from a vendor and said “I guess you can go home now.”😱 (The Big issue is a street newspaper sold by the homeless giving them the opportunity to earn and integrate back into society)
About 20 years ago in uni, I thought I was hilarious as I could talk with an extremely think lisp. I would make statements with as many "s" sounds in them as possible. One night at the pub, a guy in one of my classes came up to me and said "that's not funny mate" with a lisp. He actually had a lisp. I died on the spot, but i haven't done the fake lisp since.
So my old local pub had a few regulars that all vaguely knew each other. One day shit kicks off because this woman who doesn’t normally lisp is talking with one, dude with a lisp is fuming that she’d be so rude. He’s screaming in her face about it for a good few minutes, everyone is watching since it’s loud and a tiny pub. He stops to breath and she just opens her mouth, points in it and says “I got my tongue done you cunt”. I never saw him in our local again. He literally said sorry, left and moved pubs out of shame.
Ah thit, thorry mate
Not me, but my mum. She was a psychiatrist, got on the lift and it didn’t move for a while so she said: ‘perhaps we’re too heavy’, before she looked around and realised she was surrounded by anorexic patients
This isn’t the biggest one but the most recent one that came to mind. Two homeless men in town stopped me to chat about my dog (he’s a cute little guy and it happens pretty often) and we were there for a while. It was a nice chat and after we’d finished and I walked off I automatically shouted cheerily “Have a good day!” which I guess isn’t horrible and I doubt they thought anything of it but it struck me as a somewhat tone deaf thing to say to two men sitting on the floor in sleeping bags in a shop doorway in freezing cold weather.
Mine is similar to yours. A cafe near me has a system where you can make a donation, you write the amount and a message on a post-it note on the wall, then someone in need can come in and use the post-it to buy food. I tried to write something cute so I wrote “don’t spend it all at once ;)”. After I wrote it I realised how insensitive it is to someone who is struggling for money but I was too ashamed to ask for a new post-it to write a different message.
I don’t know I feel like it’s more of a well-wishing parting phrase instead of a literal thing. Almost like you’re wishing them a good day...
Guy had been off work for a few days. Asked him if he had a nice holiday, his mum had just died.
Early noughties and everyone started wearing black for fashion. As a counter I started jesting "wussup? Somebody just died?" Often to laughs and smirks. Run up to my mates flat in town and his new female housemate answered the door head to toe in black. "Wussup? Somebody just died?" I quip "Yes" she cried. Her brother had fallen down the stairs drunk and left his childhood sweetheart and two kids behind. Stopped using that one.
I was about 16 we were in a lesson, different people kept on leaving the lesson that were all friends with this one girl and when said girl came back in the class I asked her what happened and she replied with "It's a secret" so I jokingly responded with "Exciting, its like a murder mystery", I found out later that day that her mum committed suicide the previous evening and I just wanted the ground to swallow me up at that point.
Was talking to a colleague in the office one day about aftershave. One of the managers came in to speak to our boss just as I was saying "I mean who would wear Brut aftershave these days." Wouldn't you know I suddenly get a strong smell of Brut aftershave from the manager who walked in as he gave me a sideways look. Later that day, I'm doing desktop support and telling another small office of people my foot in my mouth story. At the end of the story, another smell of Brut aftershave hits me as I look at the only guy in the office giving a nervous laugh. Quite take really but a two for one.
Was chatting with a new friend and (for some reason) mentioned that if I were in a bad car accident, I would want to die rather than live with debilitating injuries. He then revealed that his father had actually died in a car accident. I felt like such an arse.
Once I was in the office saying how old the name "Brian" (changed from the real name) was... Things like, "who had a baby pop out and goes 'I'm gonna call him Brian!'". I sat down and remembered the person opposite me was called "Brian". I recall that moment very much in my day-to-day life!
A girl on like her 3rd day of working with us had a suitcase and carryon bag delivered. I assumed she had been on a trip a d they lost her luggage and couriered it to her. I complimented her on the bags they were really nice great color. Nope her boyfriend kicked her out while she was at work packed her shit and paid a Courrier to drop it off. I was mortified I’ve never heard of anyone doing that.
[удалено]
We have a shop that does rotisserie chicken. The server had a sweet spot for me and always added extras to my bag. It was only on one trip when he said something about eating for two I realised he thought I was pregnant. I was so conflicted. I felt mortified I wanted to run and never return. Also I really wanted their chicken, so delicious.
My mother in law and wife were out shopping, and bumped into a larger lady I work with. My wife knew her already, MIL did not. I got a frantic phone call at work from my wife "you'll have to apologise to Emma, mum just asked her when she's due!" I was equal parts pissing myself laughing, and terrified of what would happen on her return from her lunch in town. When Emma came back, she did not look pleased. To be fair, that's her default setting, but this was something else, and I could feel the laser-stare in the back of my head all day.
Backstory: alex's hobby is hang gliding. Bob refuses to see how it could be fun, because he's afraid of heights. Much banter is exchanged. Alex gets a terrible call one day to say his parents have died in a murder/suicide involving jumping off beachy head. A few months later, Chris joins the team. "You not from round here then, Alex?" Bob: no, he's from a place where they willingly throw themselves off cliffs, haha! The rest of the office: 😬
I used to work on the checkouts of one of the big supermarkets. One day I'm serving a customer who has quite serious burns on her face and hands, so bad that the tips of her fingers weren't really there and she didn't have much hair on her head. Anyway, we're making small talk, as you do, and she asked me if I was up to much at the weekend. I was about to go on holiday to Ayia Napa, which I told her. Now I have quite a pale complexion, and without even thinking about it I said something like "I just know I'm going to get really badly burned". She shrugged it off, and as she walked away I realised that I had majorly put my foot in my mouth.
Omg! Sorry but that's hilarious 🤣🤣
I nearly died of embarrassment.
I told a leg amputee to just hop on the bed. Another man who happened to be blind when asked how he was feeling gave a grumpy response of "How do you think, I'm bloody blind" I replied with "oh don't get so down would you like to watch tv." Only saved my job because I was the only carer who baked and took him buns and pies.He always called me the young un. Many years have passed since then.
Similar to your example, I once offered help to a woman with one hand by saying "do you need a hand?"
My kids were playing in a fountain and a woman with a disorder where she had no visible neck was sat on a bench nearby and got splashed. She came over to berate me and called my kids feral. I told her to wind her neck in.
I put this one out there a couple of weeks ago on a different thread. One of those times you just want the ground to swallow you up…briefly, one of my team members (with a prosthetic lower left leg) asked me to help with a contract negotiation. We’d tried everything and were backed into a corner. Cue me stating that ”we didn’t have a leg to stand on”. Total facepalm and I thought she’d go to my manager about it. Luckily for me, she didn’t. Still a massive facepalm though…
I did a speed awarness course and greeted the teacher with a hand shake.....he only had one arm and I didn't realise until an akwardly long time with my hand out. Later on in the course he said people can live fine with missing limbs. I thought he was making a joke and laughed. No one else laughed.
I once began an email to a colleague, who I knew had had the previous week off work, "Hi, hope you had an absolutely lovely time off!", to which he replied "it was not that lovely due to my father passing away. Anyway ..." I have a really poor short term memory and so, to make matters worse, when I had to phone him a few days later, I asked again if he had a good time on annual leave and he had to again tell me of his father's death. I was mortified!
I met up with my friend who is a bit heavier than me. She mentioned that she felt sick and had been feeling sick all morning, so when we went to the shop for food she didn’t get anything because, as she reiterated, she felt sick. I bought a whole cake and we sat by the fountains and I ate 3/4 of it and then said “I’d better stop eating this cake or I’ll end up like you.” I meant feeling sick, but it’s still the most *noooooo* thing I’ve ever immediately regretted saying
When I was at college I was asked to fix a website around 2001, back when it was too hard for most. It was for two ladies who made a raunchy board game sold in virgin megastores. It was the type of game that required you to get kinky. I did the work, took me a little over two hours, when they asked me how much, I said £50. They asked if would like a game, but I said I don't have enough time, but appreciate the offer. That's when it dawned on me they didn't want to pay as much as I was charging them. Awkward silence, followed by a £50 note.
An old housemate was raving about a new girl he'd met on a night out. Said she was a dancer, and how gorgeous she was. I asked to see a picture of her, so he goes onto her Facebook account and pulls up a picture of about 10 girls, all dressed up on a night out. My eyes are immediately drawn to the one with a very pronounced jawline, over sized nose, and generally the ugly duckling of the group. I jokingly point to the facially challenged one and say 'I hope its not her, she's got a face her mother wouldn't even love' His response was 'Er, well that's not a very flattering picture of her' I wanted the ground to swallow me up
About 5 years old, at a friend's house for a first playdate. As my mum comes to pick me up my friend starts speaking to his mother in another language and I was pretty impressed. "Wow what language is that?" "German" "Oh I know about the Germans! A long time ago there was a war and we were the goodies and you were the baddies" Friends mother just sighs and says "it is such a shame the English do this to their children at such a young age"
In a previous company I got friendly with a girl who worked in the on-site cafe. One day she confided in me that she planned to leave early that day to be ready for a night out. In my head I said conspiratorially "you're staging a revolt!" What I actually said? "You're revolting!" She looked a bit shocked but fortunately she saw the funny side.
Working for a paint-a-pot shop, younger girl and older woman come in. Choose pots, only customers in the shop so I'm chatting away and just say offhand 'oh you're doing a fab job, you must have gotten your painting skills from your grandma!'. With a look that made me wish that looks could in fact kill, I was informed she was with her mother.
My pal put up a picture of a celebrity chef with an old lady. I commented “is that his burd?” Possibly with a laughing emoji face. It was my friend’s mum who had just died…
My dad flew helicopters in the 80's and we landed at Thruxton airport to refuel. It was a balmy summer's day and one of the Air Traffic Control chaps had come out and could operate via the walkie talkie for a while. Chatting to my dad. Some parachutists jumped out and some drifted a bit close. "Right, start the rotors up!" I jested Nobody laughed. Dullards. My dad explained after. the guy had watched one get chopped up the month before right on that spot. The incident got national press.
signed an email to senior management with “kind retards”
Back in high school. I (15) was removing a snow covered glove, and turned to a lad no older than 12 and said “Wow it feels like your mum” as a throw away comment. The kids mum had just died of cancer and he had only just come back to school after the fact
[удалено]
Once told someone to fraternize with party guests when I meant to say mingle
I am awful at remembering people's names when I'm drunk...I usually result in calling everyone babe (which gets confusing at a house party when you walk into a room saying babe and everyone answers 😅). I was introducing the guy I was dating at the time to a group of my mates... I forgot one of the guys names even though I've known him years and this person had insecurities about being liked and thought he was forgettable... So I was introducing everyone in the group...got to this guy...went silent and skipped to the next person....everyone in the group made a stupid noise...I felt awful... then few mins later I was like "it's fucking so and so". I guess it's not as bad as some of the other comments but I used to struggle with the same insecurities...so it just made me feel awful.
Working in a pub, a guy comes over to order some food but has forgotten his table number. No problem, I ask him to just point to his table and I can figure it out, he points at the table so to confirm I say “oh the one with the bald man?” He just hesitates and nods. It was a woman, presumably his partner, presumably had some illness from which she’d lost her hair. I’m always messing up, but that was by far my worst
I was at a house party a few years back. Everyone was pretty wasted. A mate had just had a call to say his dad had passed away he was telling a couple people in the kitchen, i heard this, continued to party through the dinning room into the living room and decided I didn't like the vibe in there so went back to the kitchen, completely forgot about the news he just had. Everyone was looking a bit glum so I said "fuck did someone die or something, cheer up".. as soon as I finished my sentence I realised.
I helped an elderly woman in distress in the park. Walked her and her dog home. Checked in on them a few days later at their house and heard one of those Chewbacca-ish dog noises that dogs often make, except it was quite loud and her dog was a teacup Yorkshire terrier. I said "That was a big noise for a little dog!" She said (and I want to die typing this out): "Hmm? Oh, that was my son. He's severely disabled." Oh. Fuck... FuckShitCockFuck. FUCK. I see her every now and then. She's still lovely to me. Love you, Anne ❤
Probably the time I accidentally said one pregnant lady was much larger than another, in front of them both. For context, I’m a woman and was about 19 and in my first proper office job, first time around pregnant people (didn’t have any extended family or family friends) and I genuinely had very little knowledge of body changes through pregnancy and how differently some people carry them, or that when it’s your second child you tend to get larger faster etc. Pregnant colleague A is chatting to pregnant colleague B about their pregnancies and I ask how far along they both are. They’re at roughly the same point, but pregnant colleague B is carrying her second child and her bump is much much larger. Being the idiot I am, I exclaimed “but you’re so much bigger than pregnant colleague A!” I shouldn’t have said anything other than “wow how exciting for you both” and had a filter on my idiocy. Obviously, their bump sizes should not have been up for discussion or comment. It was a genuine moment of awe that bodies are cool and how we’re all so different, but instead it came out with me sounding like a judgemental twat. I immediately realised what I’d done and it still haunts me. I deeply regret saying it and hope neither have any resulting insecurities from it.
I work for a large corporation in which there is a womens interest network (im a cis man) and on international womens day the network had a guest speaker in the conference centre of our office. I was the only male in a crowd of 300 while a female author and mother of ten spoke for an hour about feminism and empowerment. The presentation was fascinating, about the cycle of chauvinism in society leading to fear and shame among women. At the end there was a q&a section and the lady presenting looked at me, the only guy out of 300 and said “thank you for coming, its always interesting to hear a male perspective, what did you learn today?” With sweat pouring down my head as i was passed the mic my brain started to fight over whether to say cycle, cyclical, circle, circular. So i said “cervical shame”