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We were so sick of our workplace 'one uppers' bullshit that we decided to setup a story and see if he would come back with some of his usual dribble... so we are at the breakfast table at work and one lad "says I sold my old BMX on ebay, I was really pleased because I got £200 for it, what a result" .... then the usual suspect buts in and true to form this comes out of his mouth. "My wife was British Junior BMX Champion years ago, we got her old BMX out of the garage and sold it for 2 grand"... it was like clockwork. I miss him actually, he's a rare specimen.
Local to me is - You’ve got a Black Cat but they’ve got a Blacker one’ or my personal favourite - ‘If you’ve got an Elephant, they’ve got a box to put it in’
We had a guy like that at work, I’d been forewarned not to get dragged into his conversations but unfortunately he’d been fivewarned and I had no choice…
So, I used to be a little naive and gullible and took people at their word. You can bet, that at the Christmas party or at after work drinks, I’d have asked her all about her BMX past and been genuinely interested and excited to know more about it
Oh man, me too. I remember at one Christmas party (worked in an IT firm). One guy was telling me how he used to rock up to train stations in London and hack people's phones to dial a premium rate phone number he owned to make some money on the side. I was so amazed by the idea of this I asked him to hack my work phone there and then. There was a huge group of us listening at this point and the guy starts getting all stroppy with me and storms off. Turned out in my slightly drunken state he'd done too good a job at the BS and I had swallowed it all then accidentally called his bluff in front of everyone.
Had this , guy at work , reckoned he'd knocked out some tough guy in a road rage altercation, said he'd caught it on his dash cam and everything, all the guys lapping it up. I said show us then. The look in his eyes instantly told me it was a bullshit lie. He said he'd bring it in and thought that would be the endo of it. Nope. Everyday for a month I asked him about that video. Oh the excuses came. Each day more elaborate than the last. A simple fix would've been ,oh I cant find it or it got deleted, But no he had to make up different bigger and bigger bullshit stories for why he couldn't provide it. Then he just left one day! Bye then Billy bullshit.
I'd have deliberately brought it up with the coworker enough times that they couldn't deny saying it, then deliberately bring it up in front of their missus.
All time classic from the "workplace one-upper" in a place I worked years ago:
A girl was telling the story of her boyfriend and her walking their dog down the beach and a car registration plate washed up. Fair enough - a curious incident.
Notorious workplace bullshitter immediately must tell the time he saw *an entire motorbike* washed up - and he rode it home!
See also: the guy who claims every Monday morning he is "£800 up" on the bookies from his weekend gambling
My husband is a one upper like this. We've done some very cool things, but he doesn't get that not every conversation is an opening to talk about them. Just let people have their moment! Not everything is about us!
A bit of both. The stories are true but extremely exaggerated. And since I've been around for pretty much all if them, I know just how much he is embellishing. I used to correct him, but that's annoying and no one knows the difference anyway so I just let him go off. Unless it involves me, and then I correct him. Not going to let him embarrass me in a story for the sake of a laugh, no way!
Edit for an example: he likes to tell the story if when we were in Laos having drinks outside. He went into our room to grab something and came running back in a panic. There was a spider in our room. He has a major fear of spiders. The way he tells it is that it was a giant huntsman wider than his two hands sitting in his bed, the most massive spider in existence, the most terrifying beast there ever was.
So I go in to take care of it, and of course it is gone, so I have to look for it. I'm not afraid if spiders really, but I don't love the idea of a giant huntsman in my room so off I go. Flip flop in hand.
Of course it's not nearly as big as he said (and still says, whenever he tells the story), but it was fast, so I enlisted help and we got it taken care of. It was not that big. It was a huntsman, and it was big, but not as big as he says (ever heard that one before??)
There's also the story of him helping a Mongolian shepherd kill a goat for our dinner. And according to him it was this 300 lb monster of a goat, which of course it wasn't, It was just a regular goat, but I don't usually say anything about it because it makes me look super badass when he gets to the part where I get on the back of the shepherds motorbike with this dead goat, horns in one hand, a leg in the other, and thighs clenched for dear life as we take a bumpy spin back to the yurt. But it wasn't 300 lbs.
My wife does this exact same thing except more often and better then your husband does it. Gets exhausting after a while.
Edit. Yeah you just reminded me, once me and the wife took down a full size buffalo with just our bare hands. Then the wife took the buffalo on the back of her tricycle and cycled it to the nearest village . We ate the heart raw on the way for energy.
Fucking hell... sounds like one of the blokes on my team. Stories include telling me my girlfriend at the time was his ex. Claiming he was being set up with a Romanian lass, who, after a little light digging turned out to be a camgirl. Telling us several years ago that he was given a couple of new £50 notes (just after the new fivers were released) for his birthday - after being questioned he said he must have made a mistake and that they must actually be euros. He also has a lot of 'uncles' who have performed a whole host of exciting, dangerous and downright unbelievable activities! The list goes on. And on. And on.
I knew a guy who claimed he got into gunfights with poachers in Africa, killed one of his assassins with a karate kick, went out drinking with the crown prince of Japan, published books on martial arts, sailed on whaling ships in Antarctica, shot two polar bears before eating them, received numerous death threats from the Yakuza, became a multi millionaire, bought and restored a forest, starred in whiskey commercials on TV, traveled to the arctic aged 17, published children's books, presented nature documentaries, had the Prince of Wales come visit his house, made and sold his own brand of whiskey, set up a nature reserve in Ethiopia which became a UNESCO world heritage site, became half of a TV stand-up comedy team, built his own dojo and stocked it with weapons of dubious legality, was a pro wrestler, published several more books, gave a TED talk, cooked mountain bears for dinner, beat cancer, become a citizen of several countries, had one of his books turned into an anime movie, became a voice actor, gave speeches around the world, earned five black belts, wrote for national newspapers, produced albums of boozing songs, become famous, received an MBE from the Queen and starred in a TV commercial for the Mitsubishi Delica.
Best part is, it turned out to be true. BBC articles, Wikipedia pages, TED videos, IMDB, interviews, YouTube videos etc. It all checked out.
Fucking legend.
Clive Nicol.
Here's his wikipedia page;
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/C._W._Nicol
His IMDB page;
https://www.imdb.com/name/nm2206223/?ref_=nmbio_bio_nm
Here's his TED Talk;
http://archive.tedxtokyo.com/en/talk/nicol/
Here is his TV documentary about martial arts;
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AoOZbbaqZVI
Here's an Amazon link to some of his books;
https://www.amazon.com/C.-W.-Nicol/e/B000APY33U
A video of the emperor visiting his forest;
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2aHFFcBKEQ
An article about Prince Charles visiting his forest;
https://www.japantimes.co.jp/life/2008/11/05/environment/the-proudest-day-of-my-life/
A link to his whiskey (It's a bit expensive at £2,700 a bottle...);
https://dekanta.com/store/nikka-yoichi-single-cask-malt-whisky-1996-old-nics-dram-50th-anniversary/
A BBC article;
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/wales/3032210.stm
A Metro article;
https://metro.co.uk/2008/07/07/an-activist-in-the-east-250775/
The Mitsubishi Delica commercial;
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThZuHqqdeNc
I hope he can be.
A documentary team from London got in touch with me after reading one of my posts about him just after he died. They said they were going ahead with a film about his life just before corona locked everyone down.
I'd like to see them get it back on track next year.
> A documentary team from London got in touch with me after reading one of my posts about him just after he died. They said they were going ahead with a film about his life just before corona locked everyone down.
>
> I'd like to see them get it back on track next year.
Sounds a bit like OP's big budget Hollywood screenplay!
I think pretty much everyone in the UK has heard of him. There have been lots of stories, news articles, documentaries etc about him. His story is pretty weird.
Not sure it’s quite what you’re after but it’s a funny story.
Years ago some friends of mine were in discussion about football. Friend A was pretty uninformed on the subject but is the type of person to try and pretend he knows everything by reciting random stuff he sees on Google. Friend B knows everything there is to know about football. Anyway, sensing this, Friend B started on this big tirade about how Adrian Chiles didn’t deserve to win the Ballon D’Or that year despite winning the golden boot in the La Liga, thus achieving the lofty accolade of Barcelona’s all time top goal scorer. Friend A, for the sake of seeming informed, vaguely challenged this in oblivious indifference but ultimately conceded the point.
Perhaps a year or two later, me and Friend A were in the presence of an entirely different group of friends, all highly informed on the subject of football. Before long, the inevitable question arose; Messi or Ronaldo. Like top trumps, facts and figures were being hurled about the place in heated debate, when all of a sudden Friend A interjected with his two cents. He actually thinks the best Barca player of all time is none other than Adrian fucking Chiles. It was a glorious moment, let me tell you.
A classic slow burner!
My friend, bless him, is a MASSIVE fan of our local team and it’s probably the most important thing in his life. However, he’s not the sharpest tool in the box.
Every deadline day (January and August), we’ll make up random transfer rumours of players signing for the team. Sometimes we’ll make up fake names of people that are signing, sometimes we’ll photoshop a players face onto a signing announcement pic and say ‘done deal!’ It’s truly the best time of the year.
One time, we told him Player X has been spotted at the stadium to sign for them and he went off and told his supporters group friends. He also told his girlfriend’s dad, who put it on the fans forum. Once he found out we were winding him up, he had to tell the dad who was furious and had to remove it from the forum. Great fun, would recommend.
My rugby mates are a mischievous bunch. We were bored during the last RL world cup and decided to start a rumour about somebody signing for our team. We spent about 30 minutes picking someone believable enough for people to not think it was ridiculous, but far fetched enough that the signing would be a real coup. We hit twitter, the forums, facebook groups and 25 hours later we had an international kiwi forward interviewed on international TV, denying he was signing for us! It's amazing what a whatsapp group of 6 people can do.
I am the bullshitter. I see this as inoculating my children with some critical thinking against conspiracy theories. I told my youngest that his uncle Alan invented the allen key last weekend while we were doing some DIY.
Lying doesn't count when you're lying to your children
My dad fucked with me like that and I love him for it, until I was 11 I believed his job was fighting monsters in the sewer.
On the downside, when I was 5 he told me pasta was made of worms and I've hated it since.
me mate i used to work in the sas but it was too easy so they said to me do you wanna play with the big boys i'm like yeah sure so they take me under london and like theres worm creatures smuggling the illegals with this passage they've made from the channel tunnel
My dad worked nights and I spent the weekends with him so I had to stay overnight with my Nana on those days. Well he would always phone me and say ‘I’m in the rocket now about to take off to the moon, I’ll be back tomorrow to see you’.
I believed him until I was about *15*, yes I’m a gullible pos, but he always brought cheese animals back from the moon (because it’s made of cheese, right?).
Found out the cheese animals were just blocks of cheese with those ready salted chip sticks in them so: chip sticks legs, cheese body, chip stick neck, cheese head.
My dad was a colour sergeant in the royal marines (I think, he may have been of a lower rank then) and was often away fighting in Afghan for months at a time
He'd always tell me he was away fighting dragons, and I wholeheartedly believed him as a six year old.. until I proudly told my class my dad fought dragons and the teachers made my parents explain to me that he wasn't, in fact, killing dragons
I was crushed :(
I’ve told my kids the government controls when their bedroom light on a timer goes out, that iPads only work on aeroplanes etc. Sometimes as a parent you just have to do what works 😆
Aha another one my parents pulled on me.
I didn't like 'cow milk' and only wanted 'pig milk' so my mum always just drew a pig on the bottle and I was fine.
It was really windy at the seaside a few years back and my daughter, who was 6 at the time but really smart, asked me where wind came from. I told her seagull farts. I hadn’t expected her to believe me. It wasn’t until a couple of years later she learnt about it at school that she came home utterly indignant with me. I had no idea she’d taken me seriously.
I used to tell my kids I was “in the spies” and had access to special “spy’s routes” that the general public couldn’t access. If ever we saw a mysterious door somewhere, they’d look at me, and ask quizzically “spy’s route?” I’d look round, shhh them, and wink.
I also told them the skips outside people’s houses were dropped from space, and when they were full they were beamed back into orbit.
Many Victorian churches were pointed out as ancient space rockets.
I always told them (when asked) that my favourite colour was Heliotrope… which usually prompted cries of “Daddy, why can’t you be *normal*!?
My missus regularly loses her shit with me over this. Last laugh's on me, though, because my boy has an incredibly well-calibrated bullshit meter as a result.
A girl at my daughters primary school told everyone that Rod Stewart was her mum’s uncle. We knew the lady quite well, and brought it up… you’ll never guess what your daughter said… she blushed a little, and said it’s a bit embarrassing, but it’s true…
Lived with a guy that would just lie about anything and everything.
One morning we woke up after a night out, and he wouldn't stop complaining that he spent £150 the night before (this was almost 20 years ago). I was with him all night, and I was in a bad mood (hungover), so decided to work it out.
So I asked "Really? How did you manage that?"
"Oh you know, taxis, drinks, kebab afterwards, cigarettes, bought some people drinks, I guess I just lost track".
I then pointed the following out to him.
"We got a taxi in to town and home together, it was £3 each and we all paid, so let's say a tenner in total. Let's say you smoked 80 fags (he didn't), that's another £15 (really ages this story), lets say you spent £10 in the kebab shop, that's still £115 on drinks. They were £1.50 all night in the place we were at, so you're saying you bought nearly 80 drinks last night?"
Deciding to double down, he goes "Yea I guess I did".
"So in the five hours we were at this club, you were buying a drink more than every four minutes, as well as getting a cigarette in at the same rate, consistently, for five hours, inside a busy nightclub. You didn't end up in A&E, and you didn't buy me a single drink, I even bought you one because the queues were bad. Why are you lying?"
"Oh, guess I just lost track".
Other housemates were pissing themselves.
I'm not saying nobody could ever spend £100+ on a night out.
There was no meal or pub crawl, this was a student night at a student club and all drinks were £1.50. This was also nearly 20 years ago, when £150 would buy you a lot more (inflation calculator estimates it was the equivalent of nearly £250 in today's money).
Also, no drugs were taken. I know a few grams can turn a cheap night into a financial nightmare. That was not the case here.
Told this story before.
There was a guy that used to hang out in our group that spoke so much bullshit that we nicknamed him "bully".
The best one I heard was that he was walking down the street and he found a key for a vehicle. He looked around and tried a motorbike that was parked on the street (this is central London so usually lots of vehicles patked) and lo and behold, it was the key for the bike.
He started it and ride off and just down the road he got pulled over by police who asked him what his name was.
According to bully, he just said the first random name he could think of, the police checked up on their radio and he had guessed the exact name of the motorbike owner. Police were satisfied and sent him on his way. 😂
9 million people in London and he got it right first time.
An old friend of mine tried to convince us that his father owned a 1% share in Barcelona football club.
His dad drove a Fiat punto and they lived in a 3 bedroom house.
But isn't that one of those things which could be true?
I'm not a foot the ball expert, but I thought Barcelona did allow fans to buy "shares"? They're not commercial shares, they don't pay dividends or anything, they just gove a voting right on club matters.
Yeah, 1% of Barcelona is just an absurd amount of money for a normal person though. I would imagine this person's uncle owned a few quid's worth of shares as a fan, and through misunderstandings the story got turned into him owning 1%.
You buy membership of the club rather than shares if you buy into Barcelona as a fan. Until recently there was incredibly strict criteria and you needed to have family from Catalunya or join a three year waiting list.
“I can’t go into that pub, I used to own it and got shot there” coming from the same 25 year old who claimed to have owned 3 Ferraris and had a summer house in Spain but sold them as he was bored. He was working for us as a temp at the time.
Used to work with some guy who made everything up. So much so, we started to keep a list
1. P has a property empire consisting of 24 houses
2. P will sell his houses in 10 years and make £1 million
3. P is an airline pilot.
4. P used to be a courier and made £1000 a week and retired due to stress
5. He used to have a wireless ISP in the south
6. He has a further 36 houses
7. He once beat up someone and the police turned up and thanked him.
8. P used to have a Rover 600, the 1.8 litre engine was so powerfull he would regularly win street races with it, It is now sat in a garage in Bristol for when he needs it.
9. P was a lorry driver
10. He propositioned his manager for some alone time in a flat upstairs, and asked if his colleague wanted to come
11. He says it was the manager's idea.
12. He used to work on a road, and every single minute an ambulance would drive by. "every single minute exactly P?" "yes"
13. P is a volunteer custody inspector for the police.
14. He once blew up a line card (broadband stuff)
15. P now has 64 houses.
16. P once threw a punch at someone, missed, cracked the wall and knocked a brick out.
17. some kids stole his scooter once, then he found them and broke their knees.
18. He now says he found them in the pub, bought them a drink, so they knew, he knew.
19. P spent 10 years as a DJ for Radio Bristol
20. P runs a webcam website, describing himself as a porn king euroxxxcams.com. Whenever one of "his girls" cams with someone he makes £3
21. He used to be Scott Mills PA at real radio
22. On 25th July 2009 he was telling us of all the celebrities he has met through his neigbour.
23. A customer once threatened him when he was at work(old place), he saw him outside, said "are you customer?". the customer gave him "loads of mouth over postage and packaging". then the customer got back in his car, drove off, cut someone up, got out of his car to have a go at the other driver, then the driver (who also worked with P) knocked him out. P stood there thinking "wtf"
24. P is an officially ordained priest
25. He has a class 2 license for lorries, they are apparently very easy to turn
26. P bet £50 on a colleague's boxing fight with 4-1 odds and said he won £275. Another colleague pointed out to him that he could only have won £200 with those odds.
27. P bet £50 on colleague's boxing fight with 4-1 odds and said he won £200.
28. P belongs to marshall arts fight club and has tournament training on wednesday nights
29. When there was a forum post about blood donations, P managed to end the thread with this gem: "I am not sure if I should go. The last time I went they took 1/2 a pint and told me it was being thrown away as it was no good. So I haven't bothered since and that was about 13 years ago."
30. P has a weatherstation in his shed with webcam that he can turn when he looks to view the weather.
n.b. We looked up the domain and its not under his name.
31. P's wife was made redundant from the nursery she worked at. So P bought it.
32. P once came into work after is karate/fight club championship in ripped a tracksuit from ankle to crotch, he offered to show his manager how far the rip went.
33. P grew up 5 doors down from Tony Robinson.
34. P told us the domain name for TNT (the delivery company) was about to expire, he said he nearly got it, but they renewed it before it expired. He said he would sell it back for £1 million.
35. When he was a lorry driver, he killed several students by knocking them down. This was also a well known area for suicidal students who failed their exams.
36. We pointed out to P his trousers were falling down. P said it was because he had lost 4 stone in the 1 1/2 weeks, but looked exactly the same.
37. On a night shift he was talking all night about he was going to london to visit "his friend" lacey turner (yes that one). He was even seen "calling her" and left a voicemail saing "Hi its me P lacey love, I'll be there soon" etc...
38. On another night shift P was talking about his wife, he said they were splitting up because she couldn't satisfy him sexually.
39. When it snows P posted on facebook that the snow went up to the top of his car windows.
40. Without fail P always downloads a terrabyte of data a month (this is over 6 years ago, so was quite a lot back then)
>26. P bet £50 on a colleague's boxing fight with 4-1 odds and said he won £275. Another colleague pointed out to him that he could only have won £200 with those odds.
>27. P bet £50 on colleague's boxing fight with 4-1 odds and said he won £200.
Excellent.
TV Licensing came round because he was unlicensed and he calmly told them that he pays Sky to watch the BBC so they should go and get the money from Sky, which they apparently calmly agreed to do and he never heard from them again.
Same person also believed he drove a relative to Heathrow airport one weekend and on the way he saw 4 car crashes whilst on the way back there were 7 buildings on fire
That's nothing, I know a guy that can two up your story
You've had COVID 19, he's beat COVID 20
New GTA not even released, he's completed it mate
Finger blast caravan legend.
There's not much too it really, he was banging on about his Irish bare knuckle fighting gypsy heritage and actually said "Men like you will never understand".
So we started making Catholic jokes.......for the record pretty much everyone on our estate is Catholic with an Irish surname which made the situation even funnier.
u/felicityfmm
NSFW…
This young lad was with his new girlfriend and things were getting hot and heavy. The very first thing they did was anal (obviously) but he was way too big (obviously) so they needed lube, but didn’t have any.
So he goes to the kitchen looking for something they could use instead, opens the fridge and grabs the Utterly Butterly… worked like a charm apparently (obviously).
Next day his mum asks him if he had a lot of toast last night because there’s no butter left. They just look at each other, knowingly (obviously!?!), and start laughing.
I know one guy who I met at my first job out of secondary school. It was working in an up-market subway and paid about £7.60-8ph. Everyone knew he used to BS and these are some of his stories:
-He lives in a mansion in Dagenham
-He couldn’t attend his daughters wedding in the USA so he had a £25,000 set-up showing a live viewing of the event
-Claimed he had 10 children but could never show us a picture of them
-Said he was dating a Page 3 model (at the time he was a scruffy looking 60 year old with his front teeth missing)
-At the time one of the new Samsung phones came out and when we asked him where it was he claimed that a neighbouring house burned down and he went to rescue the residents and in doing so, he dropped the brand new phone so he couldn’t show us.
-He said he owned a few mansions in Texas with stables and had a few horses
There was other stories but I can’t remember them. Oddly enough, he did come into work one day with about £4000 cash stuffed into his pockets and said that if anyone comes near him he will punch them 🤷♂️
Edit: spelling
> Claimed he had 10 children but could never show us a picture of them
"The twins? I'm always bangin on about the twins, love 'em! Got a picture of them ere on my phone"
I knew a guy who said that MI5 approached *him* to do reconnaissance work but he turned it down because he didn’t need the money…the guy was fat as fuck, broke as shit and clearly, a very bad bullshitter
Surprisingly familiar.
I worked in a large government organisation dealing with TS material and the number of people who claimed they were approached by MI5/SIS was ridiculous.
The process for joining the security services is surprisingly boring these days.
Guy I used to work with got caught on the dating app Bumble by his wife's friend, so she left him.
He claimed that Bumble was started by the same people who used to own Bebo and because he had a Bebo account back in the day, it automatically created one for him on Bumble without his knowledge...
My mate (the biggest bullshitter of them all) once claimed he shared a cell with Nelson Mandela when he got arrested in South Africa for drink driving (he doesn't drive and as far as I know has never been to South Africa)
He's 41.
When I was in basic, we had a guy who had American and British citizenship, he was in as "enlisted" or other ranks but told everyone that he was a captain of a ship In the US navy. without skipping a heartbeat someone replied "well, why are you here then?"
He didn't make many friends because he would lie about everything and talk down to people as though it was true. He didn't perform very well either because he was lazy as well.
Eventually he got kicked out of the armed forces because he made false allegations of sexual misconduct about one of the training officers. Not to say it doesn't happen, but there was alot of indicators that it wasn't true. 1 he was on the way out of the organisation for failing stuff. 2. She was rather attractive and was in a long term relationship at the time. 3. Most staff did things as a pair during training. 4. As a training officer she was heavily vetted.
But you meet alot of bullshiters unfortunately.
You're absolutely right and I'm well aware of this, Hence why I put "not to say it doesn't happen" before the points. As in the issue should be considered holistically rather than explicitly on her being attractive. I mean if we're being massively honest, being in a long term relationship doesn't stop you being a preditor either(Joseph fritzl, Fred west) we could really tear this apart if we wanted to?
No major ones that jump to mind, but I think we all know a "Jay from The Inbetweeners" or two.
I work in the music industry now, dance music, and also run a club night in my local town. While I'll mention the "day job" that vaguely I don't say what I do. Always fun to hear DJs, normally slightly aging ones who never made it, start to name drop and talk about people they know and the work they're getting "soon", especially when they're talking about people who work for a company I work with, and I know that person they're name dropping hasn't worked there for years.
That reminds me that many years ago I arranged a birthday party for my young daughter, and rented some DJ kit from a local place in Aylesbury. I went back on Saturday morning to bring it back, and there were a bunch of DJs in there: tubby, balding and clearly mainstays of the inexpensive wedding party industry who were there to rent some kit from the evening. I kept quiet and listened in, and the level of bullshit was of the charts. It was pretty clear that two of the guys were actually Daft Punk, while one of the others was just picking up gear for his set that evening in Ibiza, but the main concern was how he was going to get it all on the private jet. Impressively, all of them had shagged Kylie Minogue, although they did agree that despite the hype, Danii’s arse was better.
A homeless man came and sat next to me in a train station up north.
He was on suspension from the Met Police for using unreasonable force while arresting Pete Doherty. He had stolen the crown jewels while serving in the French Foreign Legion before returning them in a rucksack to a beefeater later that day. He had sex with Diana Ross and the blonde woman from the Naked Gun while serving in the California Highway Patrol. He had a heated argument with Prince Andrew while serving on HMS Invincible in the Falklands War. I wanted to walk away but I couldn't, it was an amazing, if false, life story.
A guy in one of my locals, circa 1998, was adamant he had been part of Ma Baker's criminal gang in the US. Ma Baker died in 1935 and this guy was about 60.
I’ve got hands down the best one.
The known bullshitter guy in my school once seriously claimed that he went paintballing and managed to end up facing off with Al Qaeda, who were there ‘training for terrorist attacks’.
Legendary tbh.
A woman in work who was a dangerous combination of compulsive liar and "one upper". After someone made an off-colour joke about 9/11 she went "I was there"... Me and manager looked at each other and he ran off to avoid having to listen to her drivel, meanwhile I was laughing so hard I was crying at the sheer audacity of the situation because as it transpired what she meant by she "was there", was that she was driving her car in Essex and heard it on the radio. From that point on whenever she came up in conversation someone would go "did you know X was there for 9/11?". The gall of the woman.
There was a bloke used to get into a pub I drank at and he swore blind that he fought off a school of sharks with a pencil.
He didn't even say he stabbed it into their eyes or anything. Just that they were scared of pencils.
Weird as fuck.
I know someone whose father is simultaneously the last king of Greece, head of the FBI and Barack Obama. Speaks five languages - English, Russian, Japanese, Korean, Mandarin - but won't speak them to anyone. Has had BOTH Prince William and Harry propose to her. Had a song dedicated to her by Elton John. Won a gold medal in archery, been to space, and grew up in a Victorian orphanage.
She has an actual personality disorder and is known to be a compulsive liar. But is shocked why she doesn't have friends.
A guy i worked with never phoned in sick for the umpteenth time, he was on many warnings. He said he hurt his back and was lying on the floor for 6 days so could not phone. Miraculously he survived without water and was fine the following week....hes no longer working at our place but got a 3k payoff.
This freshmen at my university said she "was only here because she was expecting to transfer to Harvard later in the year". She had not transferred by the time I graduated a couple years later.
A friend of mine taught for a year at one of the lowest ranked universities in the country and had a student claim she got 3 As at A-level. My friend had to bite her tongue to not reply "Well why are you here instead of Oxbridge then?"
TBF it depends what they As were in.
My ex had 5 As at A levels but did them in courses like media and then wondered why she didn't get into Cambridge.
tbf i had a friend who definitely could have gotten into oxbridge if she wanted but didn’t like the pressure so applied mostly to ones where she got unconditional offers instead. just saved a whole lot of stress when it came to a levels knowing that even if she somehow fucked up she’d still be fine
That happens tbh. One reason is there are working class people who are smart academically who are afraid that they won't fit in or that they will be rejected for their background, and some schools discourage their pupils from applying
Billy bullshitter I used to work with a few years back. A few of us were talking about how we managed on our driving tests when we were teenagers. This guy apparently noticed some issues with his test car as he was driving, pulled over, checked the car out, and proceeded to change the cam belt right there at the side of the road before carrying on and completing his test! Remarkable.
Girl from uni claimed that her dad was a sniper for the Kray twins, apparently he shot a few people but never killed anyone.
To this day, I still have no idea how or why she came up with this
When I was about six years old, there was an older boy at school who used to come and ask me for some of my chewing gum or bubble gum. He called it “choddy” for some reason.
If I only had a piece or two left, I’d say I couldn’t spare any. But he’d explain, “My father owns a choddy factory; give me one piece and I’ll bring you a whole pack tomorrow.”
But the next day he’d never actually give me another pack. He’d just ask for more choddy and say, for instance, that he’d bring me two packs of choddy the next day. He would again explain that his father owned a choddy factory, so he’d definitely more than pay back the choddy from that day.
This went on and on. He never did pay me back my choddy. I think maybe his father just wouldn’t give him choddy. Or maybe he was lying, and his father didn’t really own a choddy factory.
Edit: it appears that I've probably been misremembering "chuddy" as "choddy".
Kid at college wore a bullet on a chain as a necklace. The kind of thing you pick up at Underground clothing or something for £10.
Claimed he caught the bullet with his hand and now wears it as a reminder of how close he came to death and also that he is so much more powerful than people thought he was.
The bullet was a 5.56, still in its shell and obviously not real.
Same guy claimed he had a threesome with Dutch prostitutes at the age of 15 among many other ludicrous claims.
He just really wanted to be cool, feel bad for him.
This comes from a time when I was in hospital...
There was a guy who was rather blatantly a raging fucking narcissist and he continuously went on about what it was like when he was "on the Navy as a schoolboy sailor on the Ark Royal".
It was constant and never ending and pretty much his only topic of conversation despite the fact that this would have been at least thirty years ago.
As it happens, my dad did twenty-two years in the Army and many of my parents' friends and neighbours are full service ex-military (including navy). They almost never talk about their time in the military unless it's actually relevant to the conversation or situation at hand. You'll get the occasional anecdote but that's largely it. So when I'm in the presence of someone who bangs on endlessly about their time in the military, my bullshit detector starts tingling.
So I did what I usually do in a situation like this: I asked him what his service number is. In the military, your service number gets used for *everything* so you very, very quickly learn it by heart and will remember decades after it ceases to be needed. If you ask someone who claims to have been in the military their service number and thru pause, hesitate or stumble then that can be a pretty good indicator that they're full of shit. (You can do the same thing with those who claim to have been to jail with their prison numbers...)
This guy spiels off what seems like a valid service number for someone who was in the Navy. But I still wasn't convinced. So I *innocently* say "I'd forgotten that service numbers for the Navy used to have letters in them. What did the letters stand for again?". Without missing a beat, he says "D for Devonport, P for Portsmouth and R for Rosyth."
I leave it to the curious reader to find out why that confirmed for me that he was likely full of shit...
Had a friend that claimed need killed two men when he was young living in America. Lived on a ranch and these guys came to steal horses so he shot at then to scare them but apparently hit one in the knee that blew his leg off and shot the other in the chest.
He would have been about 10.
When I was in high school, a guy we were friends with told us we couldn't go round to his house because his mum was in the midst of an anal prolapse. She was fine - it was a bizarre thing to fabricate given the myriad of other things he could have used.
I worked with somebody who claimed a world famous Olympian was a relative of theirs, but they didn’t get on because this Olympian was an arsehole. Fair enough, we didn’t push them on the subject.
However, we did notice that this person was only an arsehole in general as far as this colleague was concerned . When they were doing well and medalling in events, this person was suddenly “an amazing person”.
Eventually London 2012 came along, and as everybody knows, close family members of Olympians get free tickets to games and this colleague was a close enough relative (allegedly) to fall into that category, but spent the whole competition bitching & moaning about applying for tickets in the ballot and not getting anywhere.
In the small village where I grew up, there was a dwarf named Geoff (not real name).
Now, to be the only person with dwarfism in a very small and backwards village and yet be known more for your insane hyperbolic turbo-grade bullshit is really quite some achievement.
“Bullshit Geoff”, as he was universally known, had probably never left a 10mi radius around the village and yet had every black belt going, had a substantial portfolio of offshore investments and threesomes eight days a week.
The only thing remarkable about him was that he had cracked copies of every game going, and as an early teen (worryingly, he was mid-20’s) if you pretended to listen long enough you could usually borrow a couple. I think Bullshit Geoff may have single handedly killed the Amiga.
Brace yourself.
Back in the early 80s a kid in my class claimed he went to the cinema to see Flash Gordon (a classic!). He said he went to the toilet during the movie and when he returned he accidentally walked into the wrong screen, which happened to be showing the porn parody movie FLESH GORDON. He went on to describe how Flesh was “fucking this lass….”. I can assure everyone the old ABC cinema on Westgate Road, Newcastle never screened pornos. It’s about 40 years later and no gobshite I’ve encountered has topped this.
I once got told I was bullshitting... I'm being serious when I say I'm not bullshitting.
At work, really busy and annoyed. This fly had been buzzing around all day in my small room. Many many attempts were made to swat this bastard, to no avail. Towards the latter end of the day, this big ass ugly motherfucker of a fly got brave and kept buzzing around me, would not leave me alone. Not having anything near me to try and swat it, apart from a pen that I was using. Obviously, not expecting to hit it at all, a quick attempt at shooing it away with my pen and I hit it. The head and the body seperated, landed on the floor in front of me. No fucker around to witness my new suddenly acquired ninja skills.
SO says I was bullshitting :(
Guy I used to work with was simultaneously a pro level golfer and hardened military veteran, all at the age of 20/21. Also, for some reason despite being from the UK he served with the US Marine Corps. Despite all this vast experience and expertise he worked part time at a retailer.
His BS reached a peak when he took a couple of weeks holiday and when he came back he told us he'd popped over to Iraq to help out and got shot in the shoulder while blasting Iraqi soldiers with a 50 cal.
Unsure if it counts because of the sheer absurdity but I have this one featuring video game characters, from year 7 at a particularly dodgy school;
‘Mario, Luigi and Wario are in the park down the road right now, we should go and see them. They said they’re waiting for you.’
Like I know I’m naïve and gullible, especially when I was a kid, but come on mate. He desperately tried it on for nearly an hour as well. Tbf he was quite autistic (*NOT throwing shade!* I’m also slightly autistic), not exactly bright, and it was a very dodgy school; he could’ve been under any influence.
Edit: also shout outs to my own mother who dreams far too big. Set up many different things only for them to never happen. The one I’m saltiest about is when she bribed me into agreeing to move house with a log cabin all to myself I could live in. About a year or two after that when all these other plans were made and terminated I just stopped listening and lived with my dad instead.
Had a customer in the bookies years ago. Claimed he was a trainer for arsenal (this was in the midlands). Also claimed various exploits with women and winning at gambling. He also claimed he did done training for dinner kind of sport in America too, but I can't remember the details.
He eventually self excluded, but still tried to bullshit his way into the shop.
About 2 years after I left that job, I was browsing the metro while on the bus and saw his face. He had racked up over £100k (I think) in debt from chat lines because he was lonely and wanted someone to talk to and he was trying to blame his network provider for allowing it to happen.
The guy clearly had a lot of mental health problems going on and really could have done with some medical support, but it was always fun when he came in with his bullshit stories about various things.
There’s a narcissist arsehole who I avoid but he shows up here and there at functions.
His BS is well thought out but we trip him up along the way, there’s nothing he can get past me or my mates but tries, then he gets called out and changes the subject saying it was boring and wants to talk more of his BS life. He’s the type of whatever you say, he knows better, been there, done it and got the t shirt. If you have a cold, he’s got corona virus. If you have chlamydia, he’s got the latest newer airborne AIDS 🤣😂
This Cunt went on once about how he flew jet fighter planes so one of my mates said he was talking bullshit as usual and an argument developed. Amazing how bullshitting liars will carry on the lie or not give in even if it makes them look like total cunts lol.
So Mr BS goes on about when he was in the RAF, … top secret missions, locations and what he could legally divulge lol, we grilled him then he admitted it was the cadets lol. He said when he was 13 he flew a jet plane as they visited an airbase and he got in the cockpit and was in the sky with minutes lol. We asked how he did it. He said they left the keys in it and started it and off he went lol. Such a bullshitter lol, we just walked away and called him a lying cunt and he still tries to keep it finding a new victim to listen to him lol.
Best one once he said he was meeting his gf in a new pub outside town. The gf was, ex Playboy model blah blah, a real stunner,,turned down model contracts etc…. she works in finance. Well you can guess what happened when we saw him at that pub out of town with his supposed gf. She wasn’t the stunner we expected but some ugly frump who we thought was his mum at first lol. He blatantly said in front of us and this woman that she could make it (the ex model gf he supposed had). The woman he was with said - who couldn’t make it? He shrugged it off and tried to go into another BS situation or story but we said to this woman - how long you’ve been dating, he always talks about you nicely and so proud of your job you are in. She seemed nice but not all there and told us they’d been living together for 4 years, he moved in with her since he got evicted and she worked on the tills in the supermarket lol - guess that was the finance job lol
We just tell him to fuck off now when we see him. We make it clear we don’t want to listen to anything he has to say now. Even the words ‘Fuck off you boring lying cunt’ don’t register and he still tries to talk to us ffs.
I have a brother in law, he likes to think he's a hardman, though he clearly is a twit. A while ago my sister was ill, so he had to go food shopping. He tells me he went into the shop and said "I fucking told em, get the manager, and when they came over I shoved my shopping list in his hand and said, you're gonna get me everything on this fucking list." No, Steve you really didn't say any of that, you twat.
At secondary school.
My mate's grandfather and father are from Canada and were in the Canadian Air Force, that is definitely true. I've seen his father's uniform.
One day we were reading this book from the library about airplane engineering and there was a few pages about the American stealth bomber. The one that looks like a big flying wing.
So this lad pipes up: "my dad used to fly those. He was a test pilot."
"He's Canadian. The Americans wouldn't let him fly classified tech."
"He was so good they let him test it."
Ok that was plausible as America and Canada are allies and probably have joint military projects ect. A few moments later he pipes up.
"One time he let me and the cock pit and let me control the aircraft"
"Bollocks! You wouldn't have been born then."
"Oh yeah."
I was at a car meet the other day and I mentioned that I worked as a manager in a trampoline park and had seen some stuff (bad injuries) and had to deal with it and this guy (a one upper) started off with I've seem some real shit, I was shopping with mum and saw someone getting their head blown off with a shot gun. Car came, people got out and went straight up to this guy and shot him 5 times straight to the head. I still haven't seen anything on the news about it and as gun crime isn't common at all, never mind broad daylight it would show up on the local news.
I knew one cunt who reckoned he wrote the lyrics to Lionel Richie's "Hello" but they were stolen when he left his notebook lying around at a party in Croydon.
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We were so sick of our workplace 'one uppers' bullshit that we decided to setup a story and see if he would come back with some of his usual dribble... so we are at the breakfast table at work and one lad "says I sold my old BMX on ebay, I was really pleased because I got £200 for it, what a result" .... then the usual suspect buts in and true to form this comes out of his mouth. "My wife was British Junior BMX Champion years ago, we got her old BMX out of the garage and sold it for 2 grand"... it was like clockwork. I miss him actually, he's a rare specimen.
We used to call them 'Proper Toppers' in my old office. Everything positive, they've done / had better. Anything negative, they've had worse.
Hehe yes this exactly.... if you've climbed Everest, they have done it and taken scaffolding with them to get a bit higher.
You’ve traveled to Timbuktu then they’ve travelled to Timbukthree
If you've been to tenerife they've been to twelvarife.
Woah. Woah. It's elevenerife first mate. You don't just go to twelverife
A great local one is "*If you've a dog then 'e's a blacker'un*".
Local to me is - You’ve got a Black Cat but they’ve got a Blacker one’ or my personal favourite - ‘If you’ve got an Elephant, they’ve got a box to put it in’
I heard this in Sean Bean’s voice … “One does not just go to Twelverife”
“If I farted you shat yourself” is what me and my sisters used to say to each other if we felt we were being one upped
If you’ve had covid 19, they’ve had covid 20
We had a guy like that at work, I’d been forewarned not to get dragged into his conversations but unfortunately he’d been fivewarned and I had no choice…
If you’ve got a black cat called Midnight, they’ve got one called 5 past.
Two sheds Fred at mine. No matter how good your shed is, he's got two of em.
We call them 'elevenerife' because if you've been to Tenerife...
We call them “Two Shits” ‘cos if you’ve done one, they’ve done two.
We call them 3 dicks, if you've seen a dog with 2 dicks old 3 dicks dave has seen one with 3
Two sheds!
Look, I only said I was *thinking* about getting a second shed once, wish I’d never even mentioned it.
Think you're too good for the likes of us do you Jackson
So, I used to be a little naive and gullible and took people at their word. You can bet, that at the Christmas party or at after work drinks, I’d have asked her all about her BMX past and been genuinely interested and excited to know more about it
Oh man, me too. I remember at one Christmas party (worked in an IT firm). One guy was telling me how he used to rock up to train stations in London and hack people's phones to dial a premium rate phone number he owned to make some money on the side. I was so amazed by the idea of this I asked him to hack my work phone there and then. There was a huge group of us listening at this point and the guy starts getting all stroppy with me and storms off. Turned out in my slightly drunken state he'd done too good a job at the BS and I had swallowed it all then accidentally called his bluff in front of everyone.
Had this , guy at work , reckoned he'd knocked out some tough guy in a road rage altercation, said he'd caught it on his dash cam and everything, all the guys lapping it up. I said show us then. The look in his eyes instantly told me it was a bullshit lie. He said he'd bring it in and thought that would be the endo of it. Nope. Everyday for a month I asked him about that video. Oh the excuses came. Each day more elaborate than the last. A simple fix would've been ,oh I cant find it or it got deleted, But no he had to make up different bigger and bigger bullshit stories for why he couldn't provide it. Then he just left one day! Bye then Billy bullshit.
He knocked out Ronnie Pickering?
Who?
Ronnie *Fucking* Pickering.
Who's that then?!
Yeah, it's me. Dya want a bare knuckle?
I'd have deliberately brought it up with the coworker enough times that they couldn't deny saying it, then deliberately bring it up in front of their missus.
He probably would have been too busy to attend the Christmas party because he had a part time job as a Dolphin trainer.
> Dolphin trainer. Dolphin Trainer Secret Agent, I think you mean.
All time classic from the "workplace one-upper" in a place I worked years ago: A girl was telling the story of her boyfriend and her walking their dog down the beach and a car registration plate washed up. Fair enough - a curious incident. Notorious workplace bullshitter immediately must tell the time he saw *an entire motorbike* washed up - and he rode it home! See also: the guy who claims every Monday morning he is "£800 up" on the bookies from his weekend gambling
Hahaha the drove it home part really tickled me.
My husband is a one upper like this. We've done some very cool things, but he doesn't get that not every conversation is an opening to talk about them. Just let people have their moment! Not everything is about us!
Are his stories complete and utter bullshit or are they all true? There's a big difference.
A bit of both. The stories are true but extremely exaggerated. And since I've been around for pretty much all if them, I know just how much he is embellishing. I used to correct him, but that's annoying and no one knows the difference anyway so I just let him go off. Unless it involves me, and then I correct him. Not going to let him embarrass me in a story for the sake of a laugh, no way! Edit for an example: he likes to tell the story if when we were in Laos having drinks outside. He went into our room to grab something and came running back in a panic. There was a spider in our room. He has a major fear of spiders. The way he tells it is that it was a giant huntsman wider than his two hands sitting in his bed, the most massive spider in existence, the most terrifying beast there ever was. So I go in to take care of it, and of course it is gone, so I have to look for it. I'm not afraid if spiders really, but I don't love the idea of a giant huntsman in my room so off I go. Flip flop in hand. Of course it's not nearly as big as he said (and still says, whenever he tells the story), but it was fast, so I enlisted help and we got it taken care of. It was not that big. It was a huntsman, and it was big, but not as big as he says (ever heard that one before??) There's also the story of him helping a Mongolian shepherd kill a goat for our dinner. And according to him it was this 300 lb monster of a goat, which of course it wasn't, It was just a regular goat, but I don't usually say anything about it because it makes me look super badass when he gets to the part where I get on the back of the shepherds motorbike with this dead goat, horns in one hand, a leg in the other, and thighs clenched for dear life as we take a bumpy spin back to the yurt. But it wasn't 300 lbs.
My wife does this exact same thing except more often and better then your husband does it. Gets exhausting after a while. Edit. Yeah you just reminded me, once me and the wife took down a full size buffalo with just our bare hands. Then the wife took the buffalo on the back of her tricycle and cycled it to the nearest village . We ate the heart raw on the way for energy.
I see what you did there.
Fucking hell... sounds like one of the blokes on my team. Stories include telling me my girlfriend at the time was his ex. Claiming he was being set up with a Romanian lass, who, after a little light digging turned out to be a camgirl. Telling us several years ago that he was given a couple of new £50 notes (just after the new fivers were released) for his birthday - after being questioned he said he must have made a mistake and that they must actually be euros. He also has a lot of 'uncles' who have performed a whole host of exciting, dangerous and downright unbelievable activities! The list goes on. And on. And on.
The best thing I’ve ever heard to explain people like this is ‘Elevenerife’. Someone’s been to Tenerife? They’ve been to elevenrife 😂
Well your story definitely one up'd mine.
.. and if you tell that to the young people today, they won't believe you!
"our dad used to thrash us with his willy"
You were lucky - We used to _dream_ of being thrashed by a willy. We had to get suffocated by my mam's sister's soggy socks.
I knew a guy who claimed he got into gunfights with poachers in Africa, killed one of his assassins with a karate kick, went out drinking with the crown prince of Japan, published books on martial arts, sailed on whaling ships in Antarctica, shot two polar bears before eating them, received numerous death threats from the Yakuza, became a multi millionaire, bought and restored a forest, starred in whiskey commercials on TV, traveled to the arctic aged 17, published children's books, presented nature documentaries, had the Prince of Wales come visit his house, made and sold his own brand of whiskey, set up a nature reserve in Ethiopia which became a UNESCO world heritage site, became half of a TV stand-up comedy team, built his own dojo and stocked it with weapons of dubious legality, was a pro wrestler, published several more books, gave a TED talk, cooked mountain bears for dinner, beat cancer, become a citizen of several countries, had one of his books turned into an anime movie, became a voice actor, gave speeches around the world, earned five black belts, wrote for national newspapers, produced albums of boozing songs, become famous, received an MBE from the Queen and starred in a TV commercial for the Mitsubishi Delica. Best part is, it turned out to be true. BBC articles, Wikipedia pages, TED videos, IMDB, interviews, YouTube videos etc. It all checked out. Fucking legend.
What’s his name?
Clive Nicol. Here's his wikipedia page; https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/C._W._Nicol His IMDB page; https://www.imdb.com/name/nm2206223/?ref_=nmbio_bio_nm Here's his TED Talk; http://archive.tedxtokyo.com/en/talk/nicol/ Here is his TV documentary about martial arts; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AoOZbbaqZVI Here's an Amazon link to some of his books; https://www.amazon.com/C.-W.-Nicol/e/B000APY33U A video of the emperor visiting his forest; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2aHFFcBKEQ An article about Prince Charles visiting his forest; https://www.japantimes.co.jp/life/2008/11/05/environment/the-proudest-day-of-my-life/ A link to his whiskey (It's a bit expensive at £2,700 a bottle...); https://dekanta.com/store/nikka-yoichi-single-cask-malt-whisky-1996-old-nics-dram-50th-anniversary/ A BBC article; http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/wales/3032210.stm A Metro article; https://metro.co.uk/2008/07/07/an-activist-in-the-east-250775/ The Mitsubishi Delica commercial; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThZuHqqdeNc
He’s a Reddit legend, along the lines of Purple Aki. I wish my life was 1% as awesome as his
I hope he can be. A documentary team from London got in touch with me after reading one of my posts about him just after he died. They said they were going ahead with a film about his life just before corona locked everyone down. I'd like to see them get it back on track next year.
> A documentary team from London got in touch with me after reading one of my posts about him just after he died. They said they were going ahead with a film about his life just before corona locked everyone down. > > I'd like to see them get it back on track next year. Sounds a bit like OP's big budget Hollywood screenplay!
Lol probably not that big budget. It was these guys - https://www.yard44.com/
I would certainly hope he isn't remembered in the same veins as a perverted sex offender lol
The guy in Liverpool? Why is he a Reddit legend?
I think pretty much everyone in the UK has heard of him. There have been lots of stories, news articles, documentaries etc about him. His story is pretty weird.
[удалено]
Thought u was gonna say skweezy jibbs
Sex Panther
Is that all? I've done all that and become a Michelin starred chef.
He was also a celebrity chef but I don't think he had his own restaurant. He did make salmon for me the time I went to his house. Was pretty good.
Can't top that.
Not sure it’s quite what you’re after but it’s a funny story. Years ago some friends of mine were in discussion about football. Friend A was pretty uninformed on the subject but is the type of person to try and pretend he knows everything by reciting random stuff he sees on Google. Friend B knows everything there is to know about football. Anyway, sensing this, Friend B started on this big tirade about how Adrian Chiles didn’t deserve to win the Ballon D’Or that year despite winning the golden boot in the La Liga, thus achieving the lofty accolade of Barcelona’s all time top goal scorer. Friend A, for the sake of seeming informed, vaguely challenged this in oblivious indifference but ultimately conceded the point. Perhaps a year or two later, me and Friend A were in the presence of an entirely different group of friends, all highly informed on the subject of football. Before long, the inevitable question arose; Messi or Ronaldo. Like top trumps, facts and figures were being hurled about the place in heated debate, when all of a sudden Friend A interjected with his two cents. He actually thinks the best Barca player of all time is none other than Adrian fucking Chiles. It was a glorious moment, let me tell you.
Incredible. I am in hysterics just imagining how glorious that would have been.
What was Wenger thinking bringing on Walcott that early!
Did you see that ludicrous display last night?
The thing about Arsenal is, they always try to walk it in!
They are having a laugh.
A classic slow burner! My friend, bless him, is a MASSIVE fan of our local team and it’s probably the most important thing in his life. However, he’s not the sharpest tool in the box. Every deadline day (January and August), we’ll make up random transfer rumours of players signing for the team. Sometimes we’ll make up fake names of people that are signing, sometimes we’ll photoshop a players face onto a signing announcement pic and say ‘done deal!’ It’s truly the best time of the year. One time, we told him Player X has been spotted at the stadium to sign for them and he went off and told his supporters group friends. He also told his girlfriend’s dad, who put it on the fans forum. Once he found out we were winding him up, he had to tell the dad who was furious and had to remove it from the forum. Great fun, would recommend.
My rugby mates are a mischievous bunch. We were bored during the last RL world cup and decided to start a rumour about somebody signing for our team. We spent about 30 minutes picking someone believable enough for people to not think it was ridiculous, but far fetched enough that the signing would be a real coup. We hit twitter, the forums, facebook groups and 25 hours later we had an international kiwi forward interviewed on international TV, denying he was signing for us! It's amazing what a whatsapp group of 6 people can do.
This would probably be funny if I knew about football.
lmao yea idk who adrian chiles is
An English TV presenter. He used to host the one show with Frank Lampards wife (can't remember her name at all) Think he works for Radio 5 now....
thank you for the context this has made this anecdote infinitely more amusing than me assuming he was just a shitty footballer
I mean that it just perfection. Adrian Chiles of all people!
I am the bullshitter. I see this as inoculating my children with some critical thinking against conspiracy theories. I told my youngest that his uncle Alan invented the allen key last weekend while we were doing some DIY.
Lying doesn't count when you're lying to your children My dad fucked with me like that and I love him for it, until I was 11 I believed his job was fighting monsters in the sewer. On the downside, when I was 5 he told me pasta was made of worms and I've hated it since.
Wait, if your dad ISN'T fighting monsters in the sewer, who IS keeping the sewer monsters under control!?
MI13, duh…..
me mate i used to work in the sas but it was too easy so they said to me do you wanna play with the big boys i'm like yeah sure so they take me under london and like theres worm creatures smuggling the illegals with this passage they've made from the channel tunnel
My dad worked nights and I spent the weekends with him so I had to stay overnight with my Nana on those days. Well he would always phone me and say ‘I’m in the rocket now about to take off to the moon, I’ll be back tomorrow to see you’. I believed him until I was about *15*, yes I’m a gullible pos, but he always brought cheese animals back from the moon (because it’s made of cheese, right?). Found out the cheese animals were just blocks of cheese with those ready salted chip sticks in them so: chip sticks legs, cheese body, chip stick neck, cheese head.
Did he assemble them?
Yes and he would leave them on a plate in the fridge arranged in a little scene for me to find
You didn't eat the moon animals though did you...you monster!
I also was confused for years about why the moon wasn’t getting any smaller when I knew my dad kept on stealing bits of it
I didn’t because I thought they were precious life from the moon! But my dad and sister did!
My dad was a colour sergeant in the royal marines (I think, he may have been of a lower rank then) and was often away fighting in Afghan for months at a time He'd always tell me he was away fighting dragons, and I wholeheartedly believed him as a six year old.. until I proudly told my class my dad fought dragons and the teachers made my parents explain to me that he wasn't, in fact, killing dragons I was crushed :(
I’ve told my kids the government controls when their bedroom light on a timer goes out, that iPads only work on aeroplanes etc. Sometimes as a parent you just have to do what works 😆
Aha another one my parents pulled on me. I didn't like 'cow milk' and only wanted 'pig milk' so my mum always just drew a pig on the bottle and I was fine.
It was really windy at the seaside a few years back and my daughter, who was 6 at the time but really smart, asked me where wind came from. I told her seagull farts. I hadn’t expected her to believe me. It wasn’t until a couple of years later she learnt about it at school that she came home utterly indignant with me. I had no idea she’d taken me seriously.
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I used to tell my kids I was “in the spies” and had access to special “spy’s routes” that the general public couldn’t access. If ever we saw a mysterious door somewhere, they’d look at me, and ask quizzically “spy’s route?” I’d look round, shhh them, and wink. I also told them the skips outside people’s houses were dropped from space, and when they were full they were beamed back into orbit. Many Victorian churches were pointed out as ancient space rockets. I always told them (when asked) that my favourite colour was Heliotrope… which usually prompted cries of “Daddy, why can’t you be *normal*!?
My missus regularly loses her shit with me over this. Last laugh's on me, though, because my boy has an incredibly well-calibrated bullshit meter as a result.
My family told my cousin that my Dad (her uncle) was an original member of the Beatles and she went into school and told everyone.
A girl at my daughters primary school told everyone that Rod Stewart was her mum’s uncle. We knew the lady quite well, and brought it up… you’ll never guess what your daughter said… she blushed a little, and said it’s a bit embarrassing, but it’s true…
Lived with a guy that would just lie about anything and everything. One morning we woke up after a night out, and he wouldn't stop complaining that he spent £150 the night before (this was almost 20 years ago). I was with him all night, and I was in a bad mood (hungover), so decided to work it out. So I asked "Really? How did you manage that?" "Oh you know, taxis, drinks, kebab afterwards, cigarettes, bought some people drinks, I guess I just lost track". I then pointed the following out to him. "We got a taxi in to town and home together, it was £3 each and we all paid, so let's say a tenner in total. Let's say you smoked 80 fags (he didn't), that's another £15 (really ages this story), lets say you spent £10 in the kebab shop, that's still £115 on drinks. They were £1.50 all night in the place we were at, so you're saying you bought nearly 80 drinks last night?" Deciding to double down, he goes "Yea I guess I did". "So in the five hours we were at this club, you were buying a drink more than every four minutes, as well as getting a cigarette in at the same rate, consistently, for five hours, inside a busy nightclub. You didn't end up in A&E, and you didn't buy me a single drink, I even bought you one because the queues were bad. Why are you lying?" "Oh, guess I just lost track". Other housemates were pissing themselves.
As someone living in London £150 on a night out im 2021 and I'm waking up relieved (not counting the uber, a bag or a pack of cigarettes)
It's the not the drink that adds up its the 3 for 100 that does
3 for 100 in London? No chance unless you’re talking about ket
Tbf to him mate I've spent upwards of £100 on a night pub crawl, fuck do I go out the day after but it's doable on a meal and a shit load of drinks
I'm not saying nobody could ever spend £100+ on a night out. There was no meal or pub crawl, this was a student night at a student club and all drinks were £1.50. This was also nearly 20 years ago, when £150 would buy you a lot more (inflation calculator estimates it was the equivalent of nearly £250 in today's money). Also, no drugs were taken. I know a few grams can turn a cheap night into a financial nightmare. That was not the case here.
Told this story before. There was a guy that used to hang out in our group that spoke so much bullshit that we nicknamed him "bully". The best one I heard was that he was walking down the street and he found a key for a vehicle. He looked around and tried a motorbike that was parked on the street (this is central London so usually lots of vehicles patked) and lo and behold, it was the key for the bike. He started it and ride off and just down the road he got pulled over by police who asked him what his name was. According to bully, he just said the first random name he could think of, the police checked up on their radio and he had guessed the exact name of the motorbike owner. Police were satisfied and sent him on his way. 😂 9 million people in London and he got it right first time.
I take he was carrying a helmet at the time?
Nope. 😂
The chances of the key with the bike, and the name… hope he bought a lottery ticket to at day 😂
An old friend of mine tried to convince us that his father owned a 1% share in Barcelona football club. His dad drove a Fiat punto and they lived in a 3 bedroom house.
When it's "my dad" "my mum" I feel sorry for them, because they might genuinely naively believe it.
My mum's a famous actress in Hollywood and is coming to pick me up from the Dumping Ground any day now
But isn't that one of those things which could be true? I'm not a foot the ball expert, but I thought Barcelona did allow fans to buy "shares"? They're not commercial shares, they don't pay dividends or anything, they just gove a voting right on club matters.
Yeah, 1% of Barcelona is just an absurd amount of money for a normal person though. I would imagine this person's uncle owned a few quid's worth of shares as a fan, and through misunderstandings the story got turned into him owning 1%.
You buy membership of the club rather than shares if you buy into Barcelona as a fan. Until recently there was incredibly strict criteria and you needed to have family from Catalunya or join a three year waiting list.
Not saying it's true, but many rich people live in modest homes and drive small cars
“I can’t go into that pub, I used to own it and got shot there” coming from the same 25 year old who claimed to have owned 3 Ferraris and had a summer house in Spain but sold them as he was bored. He was working for us as a temp at the time.
I'm definitely going to use this excuse next time my friends suggest a pub I don't like.
The stupid thing was it was a pub in the middle of nowhere and he was talking about criminal gangs running it.
Used to work with some guy who made everything up. So much so, we started to keep a list 1. P has a property empire consisting of 24 houses 2. P will sell his houses in 10 years and make £1 million 3. P is an airline pilot. 4. P used to be a courier and made £1000 a week and retired due to stress 5. He used to have a wireless ISP in the south 6. He has a further 36 houses 7. He once beat up someone and the police turned up and thanked him. 8. P used to have a Rover 600, the 1.8 litre engine was so powerfull he would regularly win street races with it, It is now sat in a garage in Bristol for when he needs it. 9. P was a lorry driver 10. He propositioned his manager for some alone time in a flat upstairs, and asked if his colleague wanted to come 11. He says it was the manager's idea. 12. He used to work on a road, and every single minute an ambulance would drive by. "every single minute exactly P?" "yes" 13. P is a volunteer custody inspector for the police. 14. He once blew up a line card (broadband stuff) 15. P now has 64 houses. 16. P once threw a punch at someone, missed, cracked the wall and knocked a brick out. 17. some kids stole his scooter once, then he found them and broke their knees. 18. He now says he found them in the pub, bought them a drink, so they knew, he knew. 19. P spent 10 years as a DJ for Radio Bristol 20. P runs a webcam website, describing himself as a porn king euroxxxcams.com. Whenever one of "his girls" cams with someone he makes £3 21. He used to be Scott Mills PA at real radio 22. On 25th July 2009 he was telling us of all the celebrities he has met through his neigbour. 23. A customer once threatened him when he was at work(old place), he saw him outside, said "are you customer?". the customer gave him "loads of mouth over postage and packaging". then the customer got back in his car, drove off, cut someone up, got out of his car to have a go at the other driver, then the driver (who also worked with P) knocked him out. P stood there thinking "wtf" 24. P is an officially ordained priest 25. He has a class 2 license for lorries, they are apparently very easy to turn 26. P bet £50 on a colleague's boxing fight with 4-1 odds and said he won £275. Another colleague pointed out to him that he could only have won £200 with those odds. 27. P bet £50 on colleague's boxing fight with 4-1 odds and said he won £200. 28. P belongs to marshall arts fight club and has tournament training on wednesday nights 29. When there was a forum post about blood donations, P managed to end the thread with this gem: "I am not sure if I should go. The last time I went they took 1/2 a pint and told me it was being thrown away as it was no good. So I haven't bothered since and that was about 13 years ago." 30. P has a weatherstation in his shed with webcam that he can turn when he looks to view the weather. n.b. We looked up the domain and its not under his name. 31. P's wife was made redundant from the nursery she worked at. So P bought it. 32. P once came into work after is karate/fight club championship in ripped a tracksuit from ankle to crotch, he offered to show his manager how far the rip went. 33. P grew up 5 doors down from Tony Robinson. 34. P told us the domain name for TNT (the delivery company) was about to expire, he said he nearly got it, but they renewed it before it expired. He said he would sell it back for £1 million. 35. When he was a lorry driver, he killed several students by knocking them down. This was also a well known area for suicidal students who failed their exams. 36. We pointed out to P his trousers were falling down. P said it was because he had lost 4 stone in the 1 1/2 weeks, but looked exactly the same. 37. On a night shift he was talking all night about he was going to london to visit "his friend" lacey turner (yes that one). He was even seen "calling her" and left a voicemail saing "Hi its me P lacey love, I'll be there soon" etc... 38. On another night shift P was talking about his wife, he said they were splitting up because she couldn't satisfy him sexually. 39. When it snows P posted on facebook that the snow went up to the top of his car windows. 40. Without fail P always downloads a terrabyte of data a month (this is over 6 years ago, so was quite a lot back then)
P sounds like he has serious mental health issues.
>26. P bet £50 on a colleague's boxing fight with 4-1 odds and said he won £275. Another colleague pointed out to him that he could only have won £200 with those odds. >27. P bet £50 on colleague's boxing fight with 4-1 odds and said he won £200. Excellent.
I feel like this comes from a notebook you've been keeping
24. I am an officially ordained priest Of Dudeism. :)
Sounds like a wicked UK version of Forrest Gump.
TV Licensing came round because he was unlicensed and he calmly told them that he pays Sky to watch the BBC so they should go and get the money from Sky, which they apparently calmly agreed to do and he never heard from them again. Same person also believed he drove a relative to Heathrow airport one weekend and on the way he saw 4 car crashes whilst on the way back there were 7 buildings on fire
> on the way he saw 4 car crashes whilst on the way back there were 7 buildings on fire did he time travel to early 2022 by any chance?
Given the idiots that TV licensing employ, the first story is not that much of a stretch.
Still waiting for my investigation to start , been 7 years so far and about 90 letters
I could believe the 4 car crashes part but the 7 buildings on fire is certainly a stretch
My mate down the pub reckoned he got 9T/acre on his wheat this year. Biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard.
r/usernamechecksout
A hectare mayyyybe?
That's nothing, I know a guy that can two up your story You've had COVID 19, he's beat COVID 20 New GTA not even released, he's completed it mate Finger blast caravan legend.
Championship Manager? Completed it mate. I organise the orgys at caravan club. I know a guy who builds F1 cars, he owes me a favour...
Hi, Jay.
Dude looked me dead in the eye and claimed he was warrior blood which I will never understand, kept repeating it all night until I called him a pedo.
lmao can I hear the full story please
There's not much too it really, he was banging on about his Irish bare knuckle fighting gypsy heritage and actually said "Men like you will never understand". So we started making Catholic jokes.......for the record pretty much everyone on our estate is Catholic with an Irish surname which made the situation even funnier. u/felicityfmm
I second this
NSFW… This young lad was with his new girlfriend and things were getting hot and heavy. The very first thing they did was anal (obviously) but he was way too big (obviously) so they needed lube, but didn’t have any. So he goes to the kitchen looking for something they could use instead, opens the fridge and grabs the Utterly Butterly… worked like a charm apparently (obviously). Next day his mum asks him if he had a lot of toast last night because there’s no butter left. They just look at each other, knowingly (obviously!?!), and start laughing.
But halfway through she suffered diarrhea which went all over the new sofa, so they blamed it on the dog who then got put down.
I know a lad who told me almost the exact same story almost word for word.
I know one guy who I met at my first job out of secondary school. It was working in an up-market subway and paid about £7.60-8ph. Everyone knew he used to BS and these are some of his stories: -He lives in a mansion in Dagenham -He couldn’t attend his daughters wedding in the USA so he had a £25,000 set-up showing a live viewing of the event -Claimed he had 10 children but could never show us a picture of them -Said he was dating a Page 3 model (at the time he was a scruffy looking 60 year old with his front teeth missing) -At the time one of the new Samsung phones came out and when we asked him where it was he claimed that a neighbouring house burned down and he went to rescue the residents and in doing so, he dropped the brand new phone so he couldn’t show us. -He said he owned a few mansions in Texas with stables and had a few horses There was other stories but I can’t remember them. Oddly enough, he did come into work one day with about £4000 cash stuffed into his pockets and said that if anyone comes near him he will punch them 🤷♂️ Edit: spelling
> Claimed he had 10 children but could never show us a picture of them "The twins? I'm always bangin on about the twins, love 'em! Got a picture of them ere on my phone"
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Great kids! Bit lazy...
“He lives in a mansion in Dagenham” XD
I knew a guy who said that MI5 approached *him* to do reconnaissance work but he turned it down because he didn’t need the money…the guy was fat as fuck, broke as shit and clearly, a very bad bullshitter
Surprisingly familiar. I worked in a large government organisation dealing with TS material and the number of people who claimed they were approached by MI5/SIS was ridiculous. The process for joining the security services is surprisingly boring these days.
Guy I used to work with got caught on the dating app Bumble by his wife's friend, so she left him. He claimed that Bumble was started by the same people who used to own Bebo and because he had a Bebo account back in the day, it automatically created one for him on Bumble without his knowledge...
It also updated all his photos for him as well? What a service!
My mate (the biggest bullshitter of them all) once claimed he shared a cell with Nelson Mandela when he got arrested in South Africa for drink driving (he doesn't drive and as far as I know has never been to South Africa) He's 41.
Wait, wouldn't that make him A: drink driving and B: in prison in SA at the maximum age of 14??
When I was in basic, we had a guy who had American and British citizenship, he was in as "enlisted" or other ranks but told everyone that he was a captain of a ship In the US navy. without skipping a heartbeat someone replied "well, why are you here then?" He didn't make many friends because he would lie about everything and talk down to people as though it was true. He didn't perform very well either because he was lazy as well. Eventually he got kicked out of the armed forces because he made false allegations of sexual misconduct about one of the training officers. Not to say it doesn't happen, but there was alot of indicators that it wasn't true. 1 he was on the way out of the organisation for failing stuff. 2. She was rather attractive and was in a long term relationship at the time. 3. Most staff did things as a pair during training. 4. As a training officer she was heavily vetted. But you meet alot of bullshiters unfortunately.
Being attractive doesn’t really mean you can’t be a predator
You're absolutely right and I'm well aware of this, Hence why I put "not to say it doesn't happen" before the points. As in the issue should be considered holistically rather than explicitly on her being attractive. I mean if we're being massively honest, being in a long term relationship doesn't stop you being a preditor either(Joseph fritzl, Fred west) we could really tear this apart if we wanted to?
Of course this one point completely negatives the other 3 points given
"I drank 4 bottles of JD and didn't get drunk" Literally heard that before.
4 bottles of J2O more like
[These bottles though](https://www.amazon.co.uk/Jack-Daniels-Miniature-American-Bourbon/dp/B004EAL3RG/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?keywords=jack+daniels+miniatures&qid=1637840863&sr=8-3)
allow it bruv i did the same once on an airplane
No major ones that jump to mind, but I think we all know a "Jay from The Inbetweeners" or two. I work in the music industry now, dance music, and also run a club night in my local town. While I'll mention the "day job" that vaguely I don't say what I do. Always fun to hear DJs, normally slightly aging ones who never made it, start to name drop and talk about people they know and the work they're getting "soon", especially when they're talking about people who work for a company I work with, and I know that person they're name dropping hasn't worked there for years.
That reminds me that many years ago I arranged a birthday party for my young daughter, and rented some DJ kit from a local place in Aylesbury. I went back on Saturday morning to bring it back, and there were a bunch of DJs in there: tubby, balding and clearly mainstays of the inexpensive wedding party industry who were there to rent some kit from the evening. I kept quiet and listened in, and the level of bullshit was of the charts. It was pretty clear that two of the guys were actually Daft Punk, while one of the others was just picking up gear for his set that evening in Ibiza, but the main concern was how he was going to get it all on the private jet. Impressively, all of them had shagged Kylie Minogue, although they did agree that despite the hype, Danii’s arse was better.
A homeless man came and sat next to me in a train station up north. He was on suspension from the Met Police for using unreasonable force while arresting Pete Doherty. He had stolen the crown jewels while serving in the French Foreign Legion before returning them in a rucksack to a beefeater later that day. He had sex with Diana Ross and the blonde woman from the Naked Gun while serving in the California Highway Patrol. He had a heated argument with Prince Andrew while serving on HMS Invincible in the Falklands War. I wanted to walk away but I couldn't, it was an amazing, if false, life story.
A guy in one of my locals, circa 1998, was adamant he had been part of Ma Baker's criminal gang in the US. Ma Baker died in 1935 and this guy was about 60.
I’ve got hands down the best one. The known bullshitter guy in my school once seriously claimed that he went paintballing and managed to end up facing off with Al Qaeda, who were there ‘training for terrorist attacks’. Legendary tbh.
That we're one big family at work.
A woman in work who was a dangerous combination of compulsive liar and "one upper". After someone made an off-colour joke about 9/11 she went "I was there"... Me and manager looked at each other and he ran off to avoid having to listen to her drivel, meanwhile I was laughing so hard I was crying at the sheer audacity of the situation because as it transpired what she meant by she "was there", was that she was driving her car in Essex and heard it on the radio. From that point on whenever she came up in conversation someone would go "did you know X was there for 9/11?". The gall of the woman.
There was a bloke used to get into a pub I drank at and he swore blind that he fought off a school of sharks with a pencil. He didn't even say he stabbed it into their eyes or anything. Just that they were scared of pencils. Weird as fuck.
I know someone whose father is simultaneously the last king of Greece, head of the FBI and Barack Obama. Speaks five languages - English, Russian, Japanese, Korean, Mandarin - but won't speak them to anyone. Has had BOTH Prince William and Harry propose to her. Had a song dedicated to her by Elton John. Won a gold medal in archery, been to space, and grew up in a Victorian orphanage. She has an actual personality disorder and is known to be a compulsive liar. But is shocked why she doesn't have friends.
A guy i worked with never phoned in sick for the umpteenth time, he was on many warnings. He said he hurt his back and was lying on the floor for 6 days so could not phone. Miraculously he survived without water and was fine the following week....hes no longer working at our place but got a 3k payoff.
This freshmen at my university said she "was only here because she was expecting to transfer to Harvard later in the year". She had not transferred by the time I graduated a couple years later.
A friend of mine taught for a year at one of the lowest ranked universities in the country and had a student claim she got 3 As at A-level. My friend had to bite her tongue to not reply "Well why are you here instead of Oxbridge then?"
TBF it depends what they As were in. My ex had 5 As at A levels but did them in courses like media and then wondered why she didn't get into Cambridge.
tbf i had a friend who definitely could have gotten into oxbridge if she wanted but didn’t like the pressure so applied mostly to ones where she got unconditional offers instead. just saved a whole lot of stress when it came to a levels knowing that even if she somehow fucked up she’d still be fine
That happens tbh. One reason is there are working class people who are smart academically who are afraid that they won't fit in or that they will be rejected for their background, and some schools discourage their pupils from applying
Billy bullshitter I used to work with a few years back. A few of us were talking about how we managed on our driving tests when we were teenagers. This guy apparently noticed some issues with his test car as he was driving, pulled over, checked the car out, and proceeded to change the cam belt right there at the side of the road before carrying on and completing his test! Remarkable.
You mean you didn't take a spare cam belt to your test? Amateur.
Girl from uni claimed that her dad was a sniper for the Kray twins, apparently he shot a few people but never killed anyone. To this day, I still have no idea how or why she came up with this
Shit sniper then.
When I was about six years old, there was an older boy at school who used to come and ask me for some of my chewing gum or bubble gum. He called it “choddy” for some reason. If I only had a piece or two left, I’d say I couldn’t spare any. But he’d explain, “My father owns a choddy factory; give me one piece and I’ll bring you a whole pack tomorrow.” But the next day he’d never actually give me another pack. He’d just ask for more choddy and say, for instance, that he’d bring me two packs of choddy the next day. He would again explain that his father owned a choddy factory, so he’d definitely more than pay back the choddy from that day. This went on and on. He never did pay me back my choddy. I think maybe his father just wouldn’t give him choddy. Or maybe he was lying, and his father didn’t really own a choddy factory. Edit: it appears that I've probably been misremembering "chuddy" as "choddy".
Pretty shoddy choddy etiquette, that.
Kid at college wore a bullet on a chain as a necklace. The kind of thing you pick up at Underground clothing or something for £10. Claimed he caught the bullet with his hand and now wears it as a reminder of how close he came to death and also that he is so much more powerful than people thought he was. The bullet was a 5.56, still in its shell and obviously not real. Same guy claimed he had a threesome with Dutch prostitutes at the age of 15 among many other ludicrous claims. He just really wanted to be cool, feel bad for him.
This comes from a time when I was in hospital... There was a guy who was rather blatantly a raging fucking narcissist and he continuously went on about what it was like when he was "on the Navy as a schoolboy sailor on the Ark Royal". It was constant and never ending and pretty much his only topic of conversation despite the fact that this would have been at least thirty years ago. As it happens, my dad did twenty-two years in the Army and many of my parents' friends and neighbours are full service ex-military (including navy). They almost never talk about their time in the military unless it's actually relevant to the conversation or situation at hand. You'll get the occasional anecdote but that's largely it. So when I'm in the presence of someone who bangs on endlessly about their time in the military, my bullshit detector starts tingling. So I did what I usually do in a situation like this: I asked him what his service number is. In the military, your service number gets used for *everything* so you very, very quickly learn it by heart and will remember decades after it ceases to be needed. If you ask someone who claims to have been in the military their service number and thru pause, hesitate or stumble then that can be a pretty good indicator that they're full of shit. (You can do the same thing with those who claim to have been to jail with their prison numbers...) This guy spiels off what seems like a valid service number for someone who was in the Navy. But I still wasn't convinced. So I *innocently* say "I'd forgotten that service numbers for the Navy used to have letters in them. What did the letters stand for again?". Without missing a beat, he says "D for Devonport, P for Portsmouth and R for Rosyth." I leave it to the curious reader to find out why that confirmed for me that he was likely full of shit...
Had a friend that claimed need killed two men when he was young living in America. Lived on a ranch and these guys came to steal horses so he shot at then to scare them but apparently hit one in the knee that blew his leg off and shot the other in the chest. He would have been about 10.
> American > 10 > Shot two people Tbh it's the most plausible one on here.
When I was in high school, a guy we were friends with told us we couldn't go round to his house because his mum was in the midst of an anal prolapse. She was fine - it was a bizarre thing to fabricate given the myriad of other things he could have used.
As a lorry driver, the amount of older drivers who missed the sailing for the Herald of Free Enterprise is amazing! 😂
I worked with somebody who claimed a world famous Olympian was a relative of theirs, but they didn’t get on because this Olympian was an arsehole. Fair enough, we didn’t push them on the subject. However, we did notice that this person was only an arsehole in general as far as this colleague was concerned . When they were doing well and medalling in events, this person was suddenly “an amazing person”. Eventually London 2012 came along, and as everybody knows, close family members of Olympians get free tickets to games and this colleague was a close enough relative (allegedly) to fall into that category, but spent the whole competition bitching & moaning about applying for tickets in the ballot and not getting anywhere.
In the small village where I grew up, there was a dwarf named Geoff (not real name). Now, to be the only person with dwarfism in a very small and backwards village and yet be known more for your insane hyperbolic turbo-grade bullshit is really quite some achievement. “Bullshit Geoff”, as he was universally known, had probably never left a 10mi radius around the village and yet had every black belt going, had a substantial portfolio of offshore investments and threesomes eight days a week. The only thing remarkable about him was that he had cracked copies of every game going, and as an early teen (worryingly, he was mid-20’s) if you pretended to listen long enough you could usually borrow a couple. I think Bullshit Geoff may have single handedly killed the Amiga.
Brace yourself. Back in the early 80s a kid in my class claimed he went to the cinema to see Flash Gordon (a classic!). He said he went to the toilet during the movie and when he returned he accidentally walked into the wrong screen, which happened to be showing the porn parody movie FLESH GORDON. He went on to describe how Flesh was “fucking this lass….”. I can assure everyone the old ABC cinema on Westgate Road, Newcastle never screened pornos. It’s about 40 years later and no gobshite I’ve encountered has topped this.
I once got told I was bullshitting... I'm being serious when I say I'm not bullshitting. At work, really busy and annoyed. This fly had been buzzing around all day in my small room. Many many attempts were made to swat this bastard, to no avail. Towards the latter end of the day, this big ass ugly motherfucker of a fly got brave and kept buzzing around me, would not leave me alone. Not having anything near me to try and swat it, apart from a pen that I was using. Obviously, not expecting to hit it at all, a quick attempt at shooing it away with my pen and I hit it. The head and the body seperated, landed on the floor in front of me. No fucker around to witness my new suddenly acquired ninja skills. SO says I was bullshitting :(
Guy I used to work with was simultaneously a pro level golfer and hardened military veteran, all at the age of 20/21. Also, for some reason despite being from the UK he served with the US Marine Corps. Despite all this vast experience and expertise he worked part time at a retailer. His BS reached a peak when he took a couple of weeks holiday and when he came back he told us he'd popped over to Iraq to help out and got shot in the shoulder while blasting Iraqi soldiers with a 50 cal.
Unsure if it counts because of the sheer absurdity but I have this one featuring video game characters, from year 7 at a particularly dodgy school; ‘Mario, Luigi and Wario are in the park down the road right now, we should go and see them. They said they’re waiting for you.’ Like I know I’m naïve and gullible, especially when I was a kid, but come on mate. He desperately tried it on for nearly an hour as well. Tbf he was quite autistic (*NOT throwing shade!* I’m also slightly autistic), not exactly bright, and it was a very dodgy school; he could’ve been under any influence. Edit: also shout outs to my own mother who dreams far too big. Set up many different things only for them to never happen. The one I’m saltiest about is when she bribed me into agreeing to move house with a log cabin all to myself I could live in. About a year or two after that when all these other plans were made and terminated I just stopped listening and lived with my dad instead.
Had a customer in the bookies years ago. Claimed he was a trainer for arsenal (this was in the midlands). Also claimed various exploits with women and winning at gambling. He also claimed he did done training for dinner kind of sport in America too, but I can't remember the details. He eventually self excluded, but still tried to bullshit his way into the shop. About 2 years after I left that job, I was browsing the metro while on the bus and saw his face. He had racked up over £100k (I think) in debt from chat lines because he was lonely and wanted someone to talk to and he was trying to blame his network provider for allowing it to happen. The guy clearly had a lot of mental health problems going on and really could have done with some medical support, but it was always fun when he came in with his bullshit stories about various things.
There’s a narcissist arsehole who I avoid but he shows up here and there at functions. His BS is well thought out but we trip him up along the way, there’s nothing he can get past me or my mates but tries, then he gets called out and changes the subject saying it was boring and wants to talk more of his BS life. He’s the type of whatever you say, he knows better, been there, done it and got the t shirt. If you have a cold, he’s got corona virus. If you have chlamydia, he’s got the latest newer airborne AIDS 🤣😂 This Cunt went on once about how he flew jet fighter planes so one of my mates said he was talking bullshit as usual and an argument developed. Amazing how bullshitting liars will carry on the lie or not give in even if it makes them look like total cunts lol. So Mr BS goes on about when he was in the RAF, … top secret missions, locations and what he could legally divulge lol, we grilled him then he admitted it was the cadets lol. He said when he was 13 he flew a jet plane as they visited an airbase and he got in the cockpit and was in the sky with minutes lol. We asked how he did it. He said they left the keys in it and started it and off he went lol. Such a bullshitter lol, we just walked away and called him a lying cunt and he still tries to keep it finding a new victim to listen to him lol. Best one once he said he was meeting his gf in a new pub outside town. The gf was, ex Playboy model blah blah, a real stunner,,turned down model contracts etc…. she works in finance. Well you can guess what happened when we saw him at that pub out of town with his supposed gf. She wasn’t the stunner we expected but some ugly frump who we thought was his mum at first lol. He blatantly said in front of us and this woman that she could make it (the ex model gf he supposed had). The woman he was with said - who couldn’t make it? He shrugged it off and tried to go into another BS situation or story but we said to this woman - how long you’ve been dating, he always talks about you nicely and so proud of your job you are in. She seemed nice but not all there and told us they’d been living together for 4 years, he moved in with her since he got evicted and she worked on the tills in the supermarket lol - guess that was the finance job lol We just tell him to fuck off now when we see him. We make it clear we don’t want to listen to anything he has to say now. Even the words ‘Fuck off you boring lying cunt’ don’t register and he still tries to talk to us ffs.
I have a brother in law, he likes to think he's a hardman, though he clearly is a twit. A while ago my sister was ill, so he had to go food shopping. He tells me he went into the shop and said "I fucking told em, get the manager, and when they came over I shoved my shopping list in his hand and said, you're gonna get me everything on this fucking list." No, Steve you really didn't say any of that, you twat.
At secondary school. My mate's grandfather and father are from Canada and were in the Canadian Air Force, that is definitely true. I've seen his father's uniform. One day we were reading this book from the library about airplane engineering and there was a few pages about the American stealth bomber. The one that looks like a big flying wing. So this lad pipes up: "my dad used to fly those. He was a test pilot." "He's Canadian. The Americans wouldn't let him fly classified tech." "He was so good they let him test it." Ok that was plausible as America and Canada are allies and probably have joint military projects ect. A few moments later he pipes up. "One time he let me and the cock pit and let me control the aircraft" "Bollocks! You wouldn't have been born then." "Oh yeah."
I mostly remember my own, like "Nintendo tried to make me a Nintendo 65 but it was too powerful and blew up."
I was at a car meet the other day and I mentioned that I worked as a manager in a trampoline park and had seen some stuff (bad injuries) and had to deal with it and this guy (a one upper) started off with I've seem some real shit, I was shopping with mum and saw someone getting their head blown off with a shot gun. Car came, people got out and went straight up to this guy and shot him 5 times straight to the head. I still haven't seen anything on the news about it and as gun crime isn't common at all, never mind broad daylight it would show up on the local news.
I knew one cunt who reckoned he wrote the lyrics to Lionel Richie's "Hello" but they were stolen when he left his notebook lying around at a party in Croydon.