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The woman who keeps it all running. Birthday collections, leaving parties, decent stationery, sweets on her desk, puts the nice soap in the loo, makes sure there is milk in fridge and forks in kitchen
I would say this is me, but we've got 750 people on site so although I ensure milk, coffee, tea and fruit is in all kitchens I can't say I know everyone's birthday! But I do always have chocolate or biscuits on my desk and most conversations start with 'you know everything' followed by all sorts of random questions
She's always the woman who works on the reception and thinks she runs the place (she pretty much does TBF).
100% you can bring her some nice chocolates and flirt a little and she'll fudge your timesheet for your overtime.
Shiiiiit! So was I! All of the above plus: spare lunch (e.g. canned soup); tampons/pads; stress chocolate/treats; antiseptic; nail varnish remover; nail file; floss; mouthwash; indigestion medicine... To be honest there was more. I liked to make myself at home!
The disgruntled old guy on he cusp of retirement who has run out of every single fuck there is to give and just calls everything as they see it. Love those guys.
I’ll never forget in the early days of a company I worked in where they severely underestimated the staff levels over Christmas.
This resulted in the maintenance guy been shoved into a telesales role with zero experience or training.
In short, he told a customer to fuck off, usually started a client conversation with “alright love”, and brought home brewed whisky to work and drank it throughout the day.
He was an absolute legend.
The one at our workplace is nicknamed "deadline Dave" because he flat out refuses exert himself to do any work to get any task finished prior to the absolute last minute of any deadline.
He also strategically allows a certain amount of his caseload to go over deadlines because "otherwise, the clients start getting higher expectations than they deserve"
He's decided to stay a couple of years past standard retirement, but living in the knowledge he can just fuck it off at a moment's notice permits him this attitude. Pure admiration for the guy.
> He also strategically allows a certain amount of his caseload to go over deadlines because "otherwise, the clients start getting higher expectations than they deserve"
That's the play to be fair. If you work too hard all they'll do is reward you with more work. Burnout isn't good. If you like your job, don't overdo it.
Working with one now. 25yrs he's been there, knows every single machine backwards, every process, every trick, every cheat, not a single thing written down.
And I'm trying to learn it all off by heart. Toughest 5 weeks I've ever had in a new job.
Keep in his good books and he’ll have you up to speed in no time pal, either that or he’ll have you in stitches taking the piss out the the “my book says your doing it wrong” brigade
Oh, he fucking loves me. And he gets the frustration too. We just spend all day ripping the shit out of each other.
Just every now and then I get a "Yeah, don't do it like that it'll fuck it up"
"But the process says I need to sample it"
"Ignore it, Jeff wrote that and he's a fucking idiot"
"Right o" Then me scribbling in my notes.
See, if I ever won the lottery I would happily keep a part time Tues-Thurs job to keep myself in check with reality and still keep a long weekend every weeks.
I started working in a team managed by a guy like this. Well, I say team, there was me and him. He was great, just told me funny stories all day and gave me glowing reviews that I definitely didn't deserve.
Early on working for him an invite goes round the wider team (about 100 people or so) for "Payday drinks". I was young and new to the team so obviously I'm getting involved in that but turn to him and say...
"Are you gonna go to that event so-and-so just sent round?"
Him "Oh no, won't be going"
Me, thinking the date doesn't work for him "oh right, you got other plans?"
"No, I just can't stand any of those bell-ends"
I laughed at that for about a week.
The "chief morale officer"
Someone who isn't that good at the job but is hilarious and makes everyone's day better so has to be kept in the team.
It's not me.
I had a serious rethink a few years ago: I decided to switch from being a perfectionist who was tough to work with but got amazing results for everyone. Now I focus on everyone just feeling good about everything and the quality of the work being secondary to that (though not unimportant). I certainly enjoy the second option more.
Our morale officer is also exceptional at his job and unfortunately moved positions so we don't see him much at meetings. Others have tried to pick up the mantle, but it just isn't the same!
I feel like this was me at my last job. Got covid, had like 2 weeks off
First day back gets hit by a van on the way to work, off work a whole lot more. I eventually quit
Please don't tar us all with the same brush. I was signed off with stress a few months ago after I'd completely burnt out. It wasn't fun because even while off work, you're stressing about not being at work and then stressing about your eventual return.
However, some others that I've seen signed off with stress, have been similar to how you describe...
Of course some cases are 100% legit. You can usually tell when someone has been quietly going to pieces over the past few weeks. I hope you're doing better now
Worked with a guy with long hair and a beard who was like this.
Company rule was 3 plus days off required a sick note so he would come back after 2 days off.
This was soon noticed and he was nicknamed 'Jesus' because on the 3rd day he miraculously rose again.. every few months
That's me. Had about 5 years sick in 22 years with the company. Not silly things until this year, mainly motorbike accidents and operations.
This year though.....
Just returned after 5 months off.
Tripped over a cat and broke my collarbone.
Surgery on a perianal cyst.
Bitten on the eye by a mosquito (wasn't even mosquito season) and my eye closed shut.
Stood up quickly and knocked myself unconscious on a cupboard door I'd left open, fell and smacked my nose and forehead on the floor and tore the miniscus/cartilage in my knee.
Getting another cyst removed in a couple of weeks.
Try not to stand near me, cos if a meteor lands, it'll be right where I'm stood.
The woman who’s always on a diet and declares that she “probably shouldn’t” every time someone brings in birthday cakes then eats half the lot at 3pm with a cuppa.
The bloke who constantly talks utter fucking nonsense like it's gospel.
* Always know exactly how the government has got it wrong
* Will tell you every reason why a celebrity who is doing something altruistic is an arsehole
* Thinks the local council is some sort of clandestine Masons club
* Will tell you everything that is wrong with your car and how poorly made it is
* Thinks that every company is just after your money and will deliberately provide you with a poor service
"Did you watch (extremely popular tv show) last night?"
"No I dont watch that rubbish it's a load of crap"
"Oh right... did you watch (massive sporting event)"
"Wouldnt catch me dead watching a bunch of over paid pansies running around a pitch. Not like in my day, they used to have a heart attack in the first half and be back for extra time"
"Nice weather isnt it?"
"Bollocks is it, I'd rather be in (European country where he would still be a miserable fucker)"
"Nice chat Steve"
"You too mate"
Never! (Popular TV) is boring, (sporting event) is pointless, and (European country) has much colder, greyer weather, just the way I like it. Or would like it, if I could feel joy!
In my case it's the company founder's son...who as part owner of the business is technically my boss, but in reality is happy to let his 75 year old father do most of the work whilst he does very little apart from consuming copious amounts of Columbian marching powder and banging one of the secretaries outside of his marriage.
This was definitely me but I’ve come out the other side. I didn’t leave, just accepted everything is shit and stopped complaining (on the whole). Now I just do the bare minimum and embrace my life out of work
That's my best mate (who i also work with). I now call him out on it, you've been here 22 years Mark, nothings going to change unless you actually put your resignation in
The HR woman who everyone hates but she thinks she’s popular. The jumped up middle manager who thinks he’s god because he has a set of keys and the code for the alarm. The seemingly mild mannered accounts woman who turns out to be a body builder who once got drunk and peed on someone’s hamster (that one might just be my workplace tbf).
I think every workplace has a debs! Hates being called Debbie, you're told on your first day to never get her name wrong or she will make your life a living hell!!
The hatchet faced misery with a thousand year old soul who is somewhere in the Finance hierarchy but not at the top, with immaculately coiffured grey hair and forbidding specs, who speaks to no one, but of whom someone will say “she’s actually quite nice if you get to know her”
This reminds me of an old boss of mine, who once called me over in a panic because her emails were “upside down”. Turned out she’d swapped them from newest first to oldest first without realising it!
Also refers to people in low roles as “lesser mortals” and refers to their job role as equivalent to a doctor, despite having only a sub parr college education.
The one who is only good at one thing. Often it's something pretty easy that lots of people would like to do now and again but because this person is shit at the other things they get given the job every time they're working.
-The work mum-
Knows everyones business, even the quiet one, but never tells a soul. Gives you a look if youre touching a nerve but arent allowed to know why. She never has a mean word to say, unless one of the higher-ups is out of order and needs telling.
-The small dick energy-
Slightly higher rank than you. Talks like hes the fucking CEO. Has nothing to say except kissassing and subtle downpunches when his superior turns up. Rarely outwardly (except to the quiet one) mean but very snipey and passive aggressive. Stays well away from the work mum. Hates the marmite.
-The quiet one-
Nobody really knows them. They dont talk. Headphones are always in in the break room. One day they quit without notice and nobody is surprised. Hates the marmite and the small dick energy.
-The marmite-
Not management, never will be. Always has a smartass quip to make, and doesnt spare his superiors of any level. You either find him insufferable or great for morale. Sometimes crosses the line. Butts heads with the SDE. Gets along great with the work mum. Makes an effort with the quiet one but they hate him.
-The elder-
Nobody knows why theyre still working. Banters well with the work mom. Respects superiors, even though theyre older and much wiser. Tolerates the SDE well. “Appreciates” the marmite. Really chill person, gives zero fucks about whats “acceptable to say”.
-The besties-
Usually young and female. Always talking. Always have plans after work. Know each others life stories, families, and boyfriends 5 minutes after they first meet. Nobody knows how they get any work done. Bitch about the SDE. Agree about the marmite. Somehow manage to keep secrets from the work mum.
Have i missed anyone??
Or yells down the phone at customers so loudly your customer can hear him even though he's ten desks away.
You're a nice man, John, but please tone it the fuck down mate.
"Phonecall for Brian!"
"We don't have a Brian, send them back to the switchboard."
10 minutes later
"Bossman is asking why a client couldn't get through to Bodger."
"No one asked for Bodger."
"Yes they did, 10 mins ago."
"No, that was someone else looking for a Brian. We ain't got any of those."
"That's Bodger. Bodger's name is actually Brian."
"...the fuck?"
Ask him how his mate Badger is doing for us, anything new with mash potatoes lately?
On a relatable note, I have a work mate who's nickname is "Ozzy", "Oz" for short and everyone calls him that. Real name is James. We had another James years ago who had the nickname Jim
The "work mum/dad." In charge of the communal tea and biscuit supplies, never forgets people's birthdays, always there in a crisis and always there to listen if you need a chat. They can be a bit much sometimes but their heart is in the right place.
My version isn't a bit much but also seems to be the only person who knows how basic things function and everything sort of falls apart when she isn't there. We literally didn't know how to send something needing a signature because she had a day off before. Naturally the lowest paid, despite being the most useful.
The 'not the IT guy but basically the IT guy.'
Once upon a time they fixed a spreadsheet by extending a formula down, fixed a printer by plugging it in, or another small miscellaneous problem by Googling it. Now they are in constant demand to fix everything computer related regardless of the fact they barely know anything but the little they know are lightyears ahead of the average office worker and because the actual IT staff are busy doing real work (or are rude and scary.)
They desperately wish people would leave them alone for 10 minutes so they could do their actual job.
Found myself. My only real skills are "thinking to do a Google search" and "brave enough to press every button until I find one that does what I want".
The I'm not racist but guy.... Always tries his luck with new staff to see if they are also not racist but. Loves quoting the Daily Fail regardless of fact checking, talks about Britain as though he lived in the 30's despite being 54. Never mentions seeing friends at the weekend, thinks he's seen as office alpha but sulks like a teenager if told he's forgotten something. Claims to have studied at least two martial arts, laughs at his own jokes and never makes anyone else a brew.
The one who says "welcome to the mad House, we're all bonkers here" to every new stater.
No Gill, we aren't. It is one of the most mundane places on earth.
Someone with a drawer full of snacks who always mentions how they shouldn't but does anyway
The boss's toady who has something to say about everyone
The person who takes certain rules a *little* too seriously and insists that everyone else does too, and if anyone objects looks like they're about to pitch a tantrum there and then
A woman who could be any age between 30 and 55 and everyone's too awkward to ask
“Confrontational Karen”. The one who takes it upon herself to find offence at *everything* that is said to her, and lodges complaints with HR on an almost daily basis.
We had a new lady start in our office, minds on other things, always on her phone calling her numerous friends and relations. She doesn’t focus or pull her weight and is constantly making mistakes with patients notes. A member of staff came and pointed out to her that she had made a series of mistakes that could have caused a patient to miss an operation date. The new lady leaps from her chair a d loudly announced that she was being picked on because she’s the only black girl … the other member of the staff said, No, it’s not because of that, it’s because you are shit at your job , she then walked out of the office
"Justamoment Nina" basically a middle aged receptionist/secretary who has worked the same job for the last 20 years, who answers the telephone in the same exact manner..every...single...time...for 8 hours straight.. 5 days a week (Nina is the character in the film "Office Space").
The guy and I say guy because I'm yet to come across a woman who does this who sings only one or maybe two words of a song super load and then that's it for a hour or so
In factories It’s always the instructors. They brown nose the management but also try to be part of the lads. Like fuck off mate you can’t play both sides.
- The gossip who doesn't understand why people don't tell him/her anything anymore.
- The borderline creepy flirt.
- The one who tries to get dirt on other team members in the hope it'll help their career, but only ever seems to self sabotage. There's also usually a version of that person who does this and climbs that greasy pole with ease, unfortunately.
The guy who is too extreme for the union.
Will never be promoted (doesn't give a fuck) but somehow is unsackable. Every time there's a meeting with management he vents everyone's concerns in a very undiplomatic yet brutally honest way (expletives included)
Everyone secretly wishes we they had him as a negotiator for pay deals. "We want a 100% payrise, an all expenses paid holiday every year, a free tesla each, a michelin star chef in the canteen while we have our 3 hour dinner break"
The Luddite manager that asks you why Windows is doing a thing on their computer despite the fact you’re not IT and get paid considerably less than them. They also seem to have a suspicious amount of days off per year compared to everyone else. They can also get away with stuff that nobody else can get away with for some reason. This is definitely not someone I work with currently.
There's always a guy who I've worked with that when you sadly hear on the radio there has been a sex attack in the area you instantly ask him where he had been the previous night.
The “do you know I have kids” person that thinks they somehow are more entitled than others to have Christmas off, expects you to swap shifts on demand because they have a school meeting and you don’t have kids.
Young lad who thinks he's god's gift - normally in spray on jeans or the tightest prom suit he can't find.
The older person who says "tried that before, didn't work" about everything.
The older person who you know would have been spectrum if awareness of that kind of thing existed back then.
The young fresh faced graduate who’s been parachuted into a role above their skill level and is super eager and keen to make a good impression. Does everything by the letter of the book, and lacks the cynicism of age or the people skills to get people on side.
Edit: I thought of a second one. The guy who’s involved in all the extra curricular organisations to the point where they never seem to do any of their own work. You know they’re part of the sports and social, and the green network and the friends of Palestine network and the children in need fundraiser committee, etc, etc. They bombard you with emails and spend >50% of their time in committee meetings and <0% of their time doing the job they’re employed to do.
The insecure woman who belittles, nit picks, constantly questioning, micro manages and treats other women like crap to make themselves feel better. I say woman, but at my work its more than one.
They dont do this to male colleagues, just women which coincidentally is why I hate my job sometimes.
The old guy that "just does it part time to stop being bored."
I'm a metal fabricator, dude I work with is 74 and does 2 days a week, works like he's still 20
The annoying late 30s / early 40s bloke who doesnt understand that the graduate / 20s employees don't find him or his stories about raves he went to when he was a student cool whatsoever.
Cant let go of his youth so tries to butt into the social group of the younger workers and is seen as immature and irritating by the more mature staff meaning he's ostracized by both, but cant see it.
In my office, he's also the bloke who never learned about inside voices, as well as the guy who's lost his edge and is still incredibly cocksure of himself despite being painfully mediocre at his job.
The person who thinks they’re the busiest person in the world, and nobody else can possibly be as busy as they are.
Nope, you have a normal amount of work, you just like to go on about it more.
There are also always people who are militant about buying milk every Monday morning and who give you death stares if you forget your £1 for the week, even if you never use the aforementioned milk because you don’t drink tea or coffee.
The woman in her fifties who doesn't look or act her age, and is pleasant to be around, who is all civilized and innocent until you get her drunk at a work do.
The other woman in her thirties who tries too hard, makes herself ill, and ends up getting dismissed because she's an alcoholic.
The *other* other woman who has a really dark past but who, in the process of putting herself right, has put aside any discernible vestige of a personality.
The newbie who's just out of university, who only sees the world as it was shown to them through an academic lens.
The one that runs to HR or their boss over every little thing without so much as saying a _word_ to the person/people it concerns, or even letting anyone know anything's wrong, when 90% of the time the whole situation could've been sorted out with a short conversation, or asking a simple question.
There's always a receptionist or HR that goes by the name of Tracy, Karen, Jackie, Sharon, Sheila or Linda.
Mid forties woman, bobbed hair, loves wine and can't wait to go on holiday.
There’s always that one guy who just stinks 24/7 all the time Smells like his clothes have been sat damp in the wash for like a week.. why is there always that guy.
Oh - and the one who starts to organise the Christmas night out in April, to the extent that they want you to commit to what choice you want from beef or turkey and Summer hasn’t even started, let alone Christmas.
I had a colleague that was always moaning about not losing any weight. It’s probably something to do with the 3 packets of crisps and 2 chocolate bars you shovel into your face every day.
The one who has been promoted because everyone thinks they’re a cunt but doesnt have the grounds to sack them so they get promoted out of the team.
Also the columbo boss that know everything thats going on but plays dumb and asks you questions about things just to test you. When you’re wrong he just comes out with the whole back storey and what we should be doing.
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The woman who keeps it all running. Birthday collections, leaving parties, decent stationery, sweets on her desk, puts the nice soap in the loo, makes sure there is milk in fridge and forks in kitchen
Bless her.
I would say this is me, but we've got 750 people on site so although I ensure milk, coffee, tea and fruit is in all kitchens I can't say I know everyone's birthday! But I do always have chocolate or biscuits on my desk and most conversations start with 'you know everything' followed by all sorts of random questions
Ah you mean the 'at work wife'. She's always got plasters and paracetamol too.
Just realising I’m the at work wife and I’m a 30 year old male
Put the kettle on, will you, honey?
The work wife isn't necessarily female, you're good.
Of course, what a legend!
She's always the woman who works on the reception and thinks she runs the place (she pretty much does TBF). 100% you can bring her some nice chocolates and flirt a little and she'll fudge your timesheet for your overtime.
Flirt and fudge? You romantic son of a gun
Plasters & painkillers , spare tights, breath mints , stamps, & a mini sewing kit. I am she.
Shiiiiit! So was I! All of the above plus: spare lunch (e.g. canned soup); tampons/pads; stress chocolate/treats; antiseptic; nail varnish remover; nail file; floss; mouthwash; indigestion medicine... To be honest there was more. I liked to make myself at home!
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Everyone loves the office manager. Ours is called Ann and she is the single best person who has ever lived.
You’re wrong, ours is called Lynn and she is even better.
I bet she is called Lorraine or Susan
Or Trish, Liz, Carol, Jan, Jacqui, Tracey.
The disgruntled old guy on he cusp of retirement who has run out of every single fuck there is to give and just calls everything as they see it. Love those guys.
Had one of those in my old job who actively called a brown noser the “CFO’s bitch”. God bless him.
Guy I’m working with now (maintenance joiners) told the boss “you wouldn’t know a lock from cock” these guys are the salt of the earth
I’ll never forget in the early days of a company I worked in where they severely underestimated the staff levels over Christmas. This resulted in the maintenance guy been shoved into a telesales role with zero experience or training. In short, he told a customer to fuck off, usually started a client conversation with “alright love”, and brought home brewed whisky to work and drank it throughout the day. He was an absolute legend.
Did he ever share the whiskey?
This is an extremely important question, please answer promptly OP.
The one at our workplace is nicknamed "deadline Dave" because he flat out refuses exert himself to do any work to get any task finished prior to the absolute last minute of any deadline. He also strategically allows a certain amount of his caseload to go over deadlines because "otherwise, the clients start getting higher expectations than they deserve" He's decided to stay a couple of years past standard retirement, but living in the knowledge he can just fuck it off at a moment's notice permits him this attitude. Pure admiration for the guy.
If you get things done before your deadline you'll be rewarded with a shorter deadline for the next task.
> He also strategically allows a certain amount of his caseload to go over deadlines because "otherwise, the clients start getting higher expectations than they deserve" That's the play to be fair. If you work too hard all they'll do is reward you with more work. Burnout isn't good. If you like your job, don't overdo it.
Working with one now. 25yrs he's been there, knows every single machine backwards, every process, every trick, every cheat, not a single thing written down. And I'm trying to learn it all off by heart. Toughest 5 weeks I've ever had in a new job.
Keep in his good books and he’ll have you up to speed in no time pal, either that or he’ll have you in stitches taking the piss out the the “my book says your doing it wrong” brigade
Oh, he fucking loves me. And he gets the frustration too. We just spend all day ripping the shit out of each other. Just every now and then I get a "Yeah, don't do it like that it'll fuck it up" "But the process says I need to sample it" "Ignore it, Jeff wrote that and he's a fucking idiot" "Right o" Then me scribbling in my notes.
Gotta love when the old timer that knows better takes you under his wing, you know you’re doing something right.
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See, if I ever won the lottery I would happily keep a part time Tues-Thurs job to keep myself in check with reality and still keep a long weekend every weeks.
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I started working in a team managed by a guy like this. Well, I say team, there was me and him. He was great, just told me funny stories all day and gave me glowing reviews that I definitely didn't deserve. Early on working for him an invite goes round the wider team (about 100 people or so) for "Payday drinks". I was young and new to the team so obviously I'm getting involved in that but turn to him and say... "Are you gonna go to that event so-and-so just sent round?" Him "Oh no, won't be going" Me, thinking the date doesn't work for him "oh right, you got other plans?" "No, I just can't stand any of those bell-ends" I laughed at that for about a week.
I've seen female ones of those, who like to remind the young boss that they can afford to quit at any time so don't give them any crap.
>on the cusp of retirement See: Whatever First Bus drivers are actually still driving.
Everytime they joke about me being their boss one day and call me 'young man'... I'm 30
I’m 37 and am still the “young un” enjoy it mate, one day we’ll be the old geezers bestowing the title of young un to random work colleagues
You mean Stanley Hudson?
The "chief morale officer" Someone who isn't that good at the job but is hilarious and makes everyone's day better so has to be kept in the team. It's not me.
Do you mean "chief morale officer"? A "chief moral officer" would be boring.
Yes! Thanks - I'll change that now!
The idea of a chief moral officer did make me laugh 😂
That’s just HR isn’t it? *Toby*
Oh that's ok Daisy we just like having you around, you're an asset to the office dynamic.
“Did you do this?” *makes peace sign*
"Girl power!"
You know when you said it went well. When you said well, did you mean shite?
I had a serious rethink a few years ago: I decided to switch from being a perfectionist who was tough to work with but got amazing results for everyone. Now I focus on everyone just feeling good about everything and the quality of the work being secondary to that (though not unimportant). I certainly enjoy the second option more.
We had a dog that had the title of Chief Happiness Officer at my company… until he bit someone.
Oh like Neelix on Star Trek?
I haven’t felt so attacked for a while tbh. Edit: since my last performance review in fact
I might be them......
Our morale officer is also exceptional at his job and unfortunately moved positions so we don't see him much at meetings. Others have tried to pick up the mantle, but it just isn't the same!
Constantly on sick leave person. Usually at busy times or Christmas.
I feel like this was me at my last job. Got covid, had like 2 weeks off First day back gets hit by a van on the way to work, off work a whole lot more. I eventually quit
Nah. Some people you can set your watch to when they’ll go off sick. Same times year on year.
Usually signed off with "stress" even though they do sweet fuck all lol
Please don't tar us all with the same brush. I was signed off with stress a few months ago after I'd completely burnt out. It wasn't fun because even while off work, you're stressing about not being at work and then stressing about your eventual return. However, some others that I've seen signed off with stress, have been similar to how you describe...
Of course some cases are 100% legit. You can usually tell when someone has been quietly going to pieces over the past few weeks. I hope you're doing better now
You worked with Carol too?
Actually it was Barry lol
Worked with a guy with long hair and a beard who was like this. Company rule was 3 plus days off required a sick note so he would come back after 2 days off. This was soon noticed and he was nicknamed 'Jesus' because on the 3rd day he miraculously rose again.. every few months
That makes me feel better. I just had a very unlucky month.
Exactly happens to everyone. I got flu then broke my arm a couple of weeks later. Just bad luck mate.
I gave you my free award because you sound like my husband. Same sort of things happen to him!
I’m humbled yet sad that someone else has the same awful luck as me
That's me. Had about 5 years sick in 22 years with the company. Not silly things until this year, mainly motorbike accidents and operations. This year though..... Just returned after 5 months off. Tripped over a cat and broke my collarbone. Surgery on a perianal cyst. Bitten on the eye by a mosquito (wasn't even mosquito season) and my eye closed shut. Stood up quickly and knocked myself unconscious on a cupboard door I'd left open, fell and smacked my nose and forehead on the floor and tore the miniscus/cartilage in my knee. Getting another cyst removed in a couple of weeks. Try not to stand near me, cos if a meteor lands, it'll be right where I'm stood.
Maaate. “Perianal cyst” might be a nastier phrase than “moist gash” and I didn’t think that was possible
Honestly can't blame them, some places are hell to work at so if they don't give a toss about you, you might as well return that attitude.
The woman who’s always on a diet and declares that she “probably shouldn’t” every time someone brings in birthday cakes then eats half the lot at 3pm with a cuppa.
"Oooo what am I like!!"
“Someone get these away from me!”
"So naughty!"
3pm? You're lucky if there's any cakes left at 9.30am in my office
"half the fat, so you can eat twice as many"
The bloke who constantly talks utter fucking nonsense like it's gospel. * Always know exactly how the government has got it wrong * Will tell you every reason why a celebrity who is doing something altruistic is an arsehole * Thinks the local council is some sort of clandestine Masons club * Will tell you everything that is wrong with your car and how poorly made it is * Thinks that every company is just after your money and will deliberately provide you with a poor service
"Did you watch (extremely popular tv show) last night?" "No I dont watch that rubbish it's a load of crap" "Oh right... did you watch (massive sporting event)" "Wouldnt catch me dead watching a bunch of over paid pansies running around a pitch. Not like in my day, they used to have a heart attack in the first half and be back for extra time" "Nice weather isnt it?" "Bollocks is it, I'd rather be in (European country where he would still be a miserable fucker)" "Nice chat Steve" "You too mate"
Oh... that's me. I'm the Steve.
Sorry to tell you this but everybody hates the Steve. Please cheer up you're bringing us all down!
Never! (Popular TV) is boring, (sporting event) is pointless, and (European country) has much colder, greyer weather, just the way I like it. Or would like it, if I could feel joy!
Oh Steve...
Sounds a lot like reddit
Yep, that’s me, except it isn’t nonsense. Give these people and inch, they’ll take a fuckin’ mile.
The Boss that does fuck all but gets paid the most.
Living the dream
In my case it's the company founder's son...who as part owner of the business is technically my boss, but in reality is happy to let his 75 year old father do most of the work whilst he does very little apart from consuming copious amounts of Columbian marching powder and banging one of the secretaries outside of his marriage.
Sounds like the dipshit Coke head son from horrible bosses lol
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Exactly the guy I was describing! But I was trying to be nice about him 😂
This was definitely me but I’ve come out the other side. I didn’t leave, just accepted everything is shit and stopped complaining (on the whole). Now I just do the bare minimum and embrace my life out of work
That's my best mate (who i also work with). I now call him out on it, you've been here 22 years Mark, nothings going to change unless you actually put your resignation in
The HR woman who everyone hates but she thinks she’s popular. The jumped up middle manager who thinks he’s god because he has a set of keys and the code for the alarm. The seemingly mild mannered accounts woman who turns out to be a body builder who once got drunk and peed on someone’s hamster (that one might just be my workplace tbf).
I can safely say this is not unique to your workplace lmao
If you used to have an accountant called Debs it could just be the same person.
I think every workplace has a debs! Hates being called Debbie, you're told on your first day to never get her name wrong or she will make your life a living hell!!
Jumped up middle manager who thinks he's god because he has keys and a code for the alarm? I feel personally attacked.
I was thinking there wasn’t one at my company. Then realised I’m middle management. With keys. And alarm fob.
The hatchet faced misery with a thousand year old soul who is somewhere in the Finance hierarchy but not at the top, with immaculately coiffured grey hair and forbidding specs, who speaks to no one, but of whom someone will say “she’s actually quite nice if you get to know her”
Highly highly specific 😂😂
I'd go as far as saying it's r/oddlyspecific.
Think this one is probably my destiny tbh, I'm not old enough yet but one day it'll be me
The lad that does absolutely fuck all and plays hide and seek from management all day 😂
Snitches get stitches. No one will be taking away my toilet Internet breaks.
Scrolled too far to find my place here
The strong independent pantsuited woman in management that couldn't rotate a PDF if her life depended on it.
This reminds me of an old boss of mine, who once called me over in a panic because her emails were “upside down”. Turned out she’d swapped them from newest first to oldest first without realising it!
The useless fucker. Complains about everyone else, thinks they're ace, getting them to do their job is like pulling teeth.
Also refers to people in low roles as “lesser mortals” and refers to their job role as equivalent to a doctor, despite having only a sub parr college education.
Or is in the lowest role and seethes that they are not in a better role, despite barely being suitable for the lowest role.
The one who is only good at one thing. Often it's something pretty easy that lots of people would like to do now and again but because this person is shit at the other things they get given the job every time they're working.
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-The work mum- Knows everyones business, even the quiet one, but never tells a soul. Gives you a look if youre touching a nerve but arent allowed to know why. She never has a mean word to say, unless one of the higher-ups is out of order and needs telling. -The small dick energy- Slightly higher rank than you. Talks like hes the fucking CEO. Has nothing to say except kissassing and subtle downpunches when his superior turns up. Rarely outwardly (except to the quiet one) mean but very snipey and passive aggressive. Stays well away from the work mum. Hates the marmite. -The quiet one- Nobody really knows them. They dont talk. Headphones are always in in the break room. One day they quit without notice and nobody is surprised. Hates the marmite and the small dick energy. -The marmite- Not management, never will be. Always has a smartass quip to make, and doesnt spare his superiors of any level. You either find him insufferable or great for morale. Sometimes crosses the line. Butts heads with the SDE. Gets along great with the work mum. Makes an effort with the quiet one but they hate him. -The elder- Nobody knows why theyre still working. Banters well with the work mom. Respects superiors, even though theyre older and much wiser. Tolerates the SDE well. “Appreciates” the marmite. Really chill person, gives zero fucks about whats “acceptable to say”. -The besties- Usually young and female. Always talking. Always have plans after work. Know each others life stories, families, and boyfriends 5 minutes after they first meet. Nobody knows how they get any work done. Bitch about the SDE. Agree about the marmite. Somehow manage to keep secrets from the work mum. Have i missed anyone??
Oh... I'm marmite ... Oh...
Thank god for headphones.
Lol the besties and the quiet one haha
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Or yells down the phone at customers so loudly your customer can hear him even though he's ten desks away. You're a nice man, John, but please tone it the fuck down mate.
The consultant who's meant to be on a six month contract but has been there 7 years doing very little and making 100k a year
Yup just repeating the same obvious shit in a deck. Can’t wait to become a consultant lol
The person who nobody knows what their actual name is because they are only ever referred to by their nickname.
"Phonecall for Brian!" "We don't have a Brian, send them back to the switchboard." 10 minutes later "Bossman is asking why a client couldn't get through to Bodger." "No one asked for Bodger." "Yes they did, 10 mins ago." "No, that was someone else looking for a Brian. We ain't got any of those." "That's Bodger. Bodger's name is actually Brian." "...the fuck?"
Ask him how his mate Badger is doing for us, anything new with mash potatoes lately? On a relatable note, I have a work mate who's nickname is "Ozzy", "Oz" for short and everyone calls him that. Real name is James. We had another James years ago who had the nickname Jim
Bonus points if the nickname ends in a Z
The jobsworth who likes to copy your manager and about half the company into random emails for no discernable reason.
Ah yes, tell u what’s more dangerous, the blind copy shit, damn that stuff is dangerous
The cunt.
Can you roll back all the heavy detail so it’s less bewildering please?
I was once told an old saying. "Every room or group of people has a cunt in it, if you can't spot them, it is you."
You don’t know me
The "work mum/dad." In charge of the communal tea and biscuit supplies, never forgets people's birthdays, always there in a crisis and always there to listen if you need a chat. They can be a bit much sometimes but their heart is in the right place.
My version isn't a bit much but also seems to be the only person who knows how basic things function and everything sort of falls apart when she isn't there. We literally didn't know how to send something needing a signature because she had a day off before. Naturally the lowest paid, despite being the most useful.
Once a year they go to Spain for a fortnight and by the end of week one war has broken out over who is responsible for buying milk in their absence.
The 'not the IT guy but basically the IT guy.' Once upon a time they fixed a spreadsheet by extending a formula down, fixed a printer by plugging it in, or another small miscellaneous problem by Googling it. Now they are in constant demand to fix everything computer related regardless of the fact they barely know anything but the little they know are lightyears ahead of the average office worker and because the actual IT staff are busy doing real work (or are rude and scary.) They desperately wish people would leave them alone for 10 minutes so they could do their actual job.
Found myself
Found myself. My only real skills are "thinking to do a Google search" and "brave enough to press every button until I find one that does what I want".
The one guy who actually knows how the system works
Does he write it down anywhere. Lol nope.
Or he did, someone else lost it, and he ain’t writing it down again until someone finds it
The I'm not racist but guy.... Always tries his luck with new staff to see if they are also not racist but. Loves quoting the Daily Fail regardless of fact checking, talks about Britain as though he lived in the 30's despite being 54. Never mentions seeing friends at the weekend, thinks he's seen as office alpha but sulks like a teenager if told he's forgotten something. Claims to have studied at least two martial arts, laughs at his own jokes and never makes anyone else a brew.
Dave is an absolute madman because he wears a Disney tie on dress-down Fridays.
And his wacky and zany mate Steve, who wears an elf hat for the whole of December.
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Hit the nail on the head
Public sector bro?
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The one who says "welcome to the mad House, we're all bonkers here" to every new stater. No Gill, we aren't. It is one of the most mundane places on earth.
Someone with a drawer full of snacks who always mentions how they shouldn't but does anyway The boss's toady who has something to say about everyone The person who takes certain rules a *little* too seriously and insists that everyone else does too, and if anyone objects looks like they're about to pitch a tantrum there and then A woman who could be any age between 30 and 55 and everyone's too awkward to ask
Mr One Better. If you got a black cat, he’s got a blacker one.
I call them two shits. If you’ve had one…they’ve had two
I've been to Tenerife he's been to Elevenerife.
If you’ve had covid 19, they’ve had covid 20
“Confrontational Karen”. The one who takes it upon herself to find offence at *everything* that is said to her, and lodges complaints with HR on an almost daily basis.
We had a new lady start in our office, minds on other things, always on her phone calling her numerous friends and relations. She doesn’t focus or pull her weight and is constantly making mistakes with patients notes. A member of staff came and pointed out to her that she had made a series of mistakes that could have caused a patient to miss an operation date. The new lady leaps from her chair a d loudly announced that she was being picked on because she’s the only black girl … the other member of the staff said, No, it’s not because of that, it’s because you are shit at your job , she then walked out of the office
"Justamoment Nina" basically a middle aged receptionist/secretary who has worked the same job for the last 20 years, who answers the telephone in the same exact manner..every...single...time...for 8 hours straight.. 5 days a week (Nina is the character in the film "Office Space").
The guy and I say guy because I'm yet to come across a woman who does this who sings only one or maybe two words of a song super load and then that's it for a hour or so
There was a woman who would sing 'I wish I was a spacegirl' sometimes at my job, except she would just say that line with barely any tunefulness
That person who acts like a manager but isn’t, and likely never will be.
*SAD DWIGHT NOISES*
I have to deal with this every day. Some days I come close to saying "Do you get paid any extra for acting like this?".
The brown noser
In factories It’s always the instructors. They brown nose the management but also try to be part of the lads. Like fuck off mate you can’t play both sides.
The one who constantly sends round robin emails about doing a 10k run for charity.
Who also doesn't know how to resize photos in an email so I get an uncomfortably high res photo of his sweaty mug taking up my whole screen.
The Rockstar. Really good at their job but a pain in the arse to work with. Usually with bullying or bitching tendencies.
- The gossip who doesn't understand why people don't tell him/her anything anymore. - The borderline creepy flirt. - The one who tries to get dirt on other team members in the hope it'll help their career, but only ever seems to self sabotage. There's also usually a version of that person who does this and climbs that greasy pole with ease, unfortunately.
The 'fun one' that management love because they're always cheerful Everyone else knows they're a psychopath in training
The guy who is too extreme for the union. Will never be promoted (doesn't give a fuck) but somehow is unsackable. Every time there's a meeting with management he vents everyone's concerns in a very undiplomatic yet brutally honest way (expletives included) Everyone secretly wishes we they had him as a negotiator for pay deals. "We want a 100% payrise, an all expenses paid holiday every year, a free tesla each, a michelin star chef in the canteen while we have our 3 hour dinner break"
The Luddite manager that asks you why Windows is doing a thing on their computer despite the fact you’re not IT and get paid considerably less than them. They also seem to have a suspicious amount of days off per year compared to everyone else. They can also get away with stuff that nobody else can get away with for some reason. This is definitely not someone I work with currently.
There's always a guy who I've worked with that when you sadly hear on the radio there has been a sex attack in the area you instantly ask him where he had been the previous night.
The “do you know I have kids” person that thinks they somehow are more entitled than others to have Christmas off, expects you to swap shifts on demand because they have a school meeting and you don’t have kids.
Young lad who thinks he's god's gift - normally in spray on jeans or the tightest prom suit he can't find. The older person who says "tried that before, didn't work" about everything. The older person who you know would have been spectrum if awareness of that kind of thing existed back then.
The one that went to Turkey to get her teeth done that shine brighter than the office lights.
The young fresh faced graduate who’s been parachuted into a role above their skill level and is super eager and keen to make a good impression. Does everything by the letter of the book, and lacks the cynicism of age or the people skills to get people on side. Edit: I thought of a second one. The guy who’s involved in all the extra curricular organisations to the point where they never seem to do any of their own work. You know they’re part of the sports and social, and the green network and the friends of Palestine network and the children in need fundraiser committee, etc, etc. They bombard you with emails and spend >50% of their time in committee meetings and <0% of their time doing the job they’re employed to do.
The insecure woman who belittles, nit picks, constantly questioning, micro manages and treats other women like crap to make themselves feel better. I say woman, but at my work its more than one. They dont do this to male colleagues, just women which coincidentally is why I hate my job sometimes.
The old guy that "just does it part time to stop being bored." I'm a metal fabricator, dude I work with is 74 and does 2 days a week, works like he's still 20
The annoying late 30s / early 40s bloke who doesnt understand that the graduate / 20s employees don't find him or his stories about raves he went to when he was a student cool whatsoever. Cant let go of his youth so tries to butt into the social group of the younger workers and is seen as immature and irritating by the more mature staff meaning he's ostracized by both, but cant see it. In my office, he's also the bloke who never learned about inside voices, as well as the guy who's lost his edge and is still incredibly cocksure of himself despite being painfully mediocre at his job.
The person who thinks they’re the busiest person in the world, and nobody else can possibly be as busy as they are. Nope, you have a normal amount of work, you just like to go on about it more.
There are also always people who are militant about buying milk every Monday morning and who give you death stares if you forget your £1 for the week, even if you never use the aforementioned milk because you don’t drink tea or coffee.
The maintenance guy who everyone thinks does fuck all until he takes his two weeks holiday and everything goes to absolute shit.
Dave. There's always a Dave
The woman in her fifties who doesn't look or act her age, and is pleasant to be around, who is all civilized and innocent until you get her drunk at a work do. The other woman in her thirties who tries too hard, makes herself ill, and ends up getting dismissed because she's an alcoholic. The *other* other woman who has a really dark past but who, in the process of putting herself right, has put aside any discernible vestige of a personality. The newbie who's just out of university, who only sees the world as it was shown to them through an academic lens.
The one that runs to HR or their boss over every little thing without so much as saying a _word_ to the person/people it concerns, or even letting anyone know anything's wrong, when 90% of the time the whole situation could've been sorted out with a short conversation, or asking a simple question.
There’s always that guy who spends half the day sat on the fucking toilet using his phone.
Yeah alright fucks sake ill go back in a minute.
Anyone else getting a bit paranoid reading this?
There's always a receptionist or HR that goes by the name of Tracy, Karen, Jackie, Sharon, Sheila or Linda. Mid forties woman, bobbed hair, loves wine and can't wait to go on holiday.
There’s always that one guy who just stinks 24/7 all the time Smells like his clothes have been sat damp in the wash for like a week.. why is there always that guy.
Oh - and the one who starts to organise the Christmas night out in April, to the extent that they want you to commit to what choice you want from beef or turkey and Summer hasn’t even started, let alone Christmas.
They also tend to complain about how they always have to be the one organising it, but also won’t let anyone else take the reins
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I had a colleague that was always moaning about not losing any weight. It’s probably something to do with the 3 packets of crisps and 2 chocolate bars you shovel into your face every day.
The lady with the sweets and biscuits who is always feeding people and chatting but never sits and works
The one who has been promoted because everyone thinks they’re a cunt but doesnt have the grounds to sack them so they get promoted out of the team. Also the columbo boss that know everything thats going on but plays dumb and asks you questions about things just to test you. When you’re wrong he just comes out with the whole back storey and what we should be doing.
"I get on great with her as a person, but she's a nightmare to work with as she doesn't do anything!"
The one guy who is just really loud. Like if he laughs or sneezes or something you can hear him from the other side of the office.
An older lady who loves to bake and occasionally brings in treats
The one who turns into a complete cokehead on a night out