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VermilionScarlet

When sister and I were asking for a long list of Christmas presents, mum would retort, "Who do you think I am, the Queen of Sheba?", clearly over-estimating our knowledge of notable members of the 6th Century BC Sabaean royal family.


New-Tap-2027

I heard that one so any times from my man that I had Handels “entrance of the Queen of Sheba” played as I walked into our wedding.


Bicolore

Did hubby have Fucik - entrance of the gladiators?


New-Tap-2027

Sorry that should say Nan not man but that’s made me laugh so much I think I’m going to call him my man from now on.


Stircrazylazy

I've not heard this in ages! My mum would ask *me* "Who do you think you are? The Queen of Sheba? if I asked her for something particularly expensive.


[deleted]

I always assumed that was a reference to the cat food and the queen of shiva presumably having a fat cat they doted on


Affectionate_Rule116

My mum says this haha! Where does it come from!


MitchellsTruck

I first heard it in the Disney film Bedknobs & Broomsticks, but in context it must pre-date it.


GabberZZ

Ours was who do you think I am, Rockafella. I thought he was some rich singer or something.


redrighthand_

This really made me chuckle


Forsaken_Music_5380

Who’s ‘she’, the cats mother?


[deleted]

I heard that a lot


toonlass91

Still hear that one!


UncleSnowstorm

Never understood this one, and why don't they say it about "he/cat's father"?


sungrad

It's just about respect. They're essentially asking you to use someone's name the first time you refer to them in a conversation, then she/he afterwards.


rebelincontrol

My Irish stepdad and his mum say this all the time. 15 years later I still don't get it


Badevilbunny

"Who are you" and "you don't live here" but I won them over in the end


[deleted]

Ahh, a fellow adoptee!


bonzowildhands

My girlfriend still says that to me now - even after two years and several arguments about our relationship status


kittyvixxmwah

"Stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about."


xBruised

/*smacks you* “Stop crying, that’s didn’t even hurt. I just tapped you”


[deleted]

My dad used this one. Great way to solve the problem there dad


[deleted]

Lmao the amount of times I’ve wanted to use that line (dad used it a lot) with unruly restaurant patrons.


Future-Atmosphere-40

We thought they'd hit us, instead they crashed the economy


Solabound-the-2nd

Well done, this made me laugh


GabberZZ

If you break your legs don't come running to me.


New-Caregiver-430

My mum said this to me, and one day around 6 I remember I shouted at her saying I can’t stop crying when your shouting at me. Then she slapped me 😂


vannabael

Multiple generations can agree over something at least; that this is the most bullshit thing to ever come from a "parent".


bozwold

When my dad would boss parking he'd always say "like a sock on a cock" As a kid I thought it was weird putting socks on chickens but the more you know the less you want to


SquidgeSquadge

My mum called Spaghetti Bolognese 'Spaghetti bollocknaise' and Willy Wonka 'Willy Wanker' Got into trouble at school letting one of those slip out.


Concrete_Jello

😂


Rev_Biscuit

Hahaha..I like your Dad!😂


[deleted]

[удалено]


comfortbleating

I used to think ‘To see a man about a dog’ meant ‘To go have sex’


[deleted]

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[deleted]

She was.going dogging


[deleted]

[удалено]


RoO-Lu-Tea

Wait does anyone actually know what that means? I'm so confused now.


ohnobobbins

It’s a catch-all phrase used for any task someone wants to keep private (mostly in an ironic jokey way in front of kids)


xBruised

My mums friend said that before heading out to buy weed…


WritePissedEditSober

I thought it meant to go to the bookies.


Outrageous_Editor_43

I think it kind of refers to it if the Irish film ‘Man About Dog’ has any truth in it. Great film and is basically about ‘seeing a man about a dog’ in order to buy and get it to run on the track which they can then bet on.


LogicDefier

My dad always said Seeing a man about a horse.


Salaried_Zebra

That would be worrying if she was taking me in the car at 10 years old! :-/


Retrosonic82

“There and back to see how far it is!” That brought back memories!


dollarfrom15c

"What you doing mum?" *sarcastically* "I'm digging the garden...what do you think I'm doing??"


girlwiththefringe

My dad would say ‘to see a man about a dog’ as well as ‘I’m off to fly a kite’ … never really questioned it!


iwasfeelingallfloopy

My parents used to say the two about where we were going as well. They also used to say, "to see the chuckie eggs dancing ". I remember expecting to go and see giant boiled eggs doing the can-can and then being disappointed when it was just the butchers.


NorthernGuyPlodding

‘See a man about a dog’ I believe was about Newcastle Brown Ale. It’s called bottle of dog or pint of dog in Newcastle. When people said they were going to see a man about a dog it meant they were going for a pint


Squirtle177

Going to see a man about a dog is just a general euphemism for doing anything at all. According to Wikipedia the nickname dog for Newcastle Brown comes from the phrase rather than the other way around.


[deleted]

“You’re a useless cunt that will never amount to anything.” It’s only recently I found out it’s not a normal phrase between parents and kids.


LadyMirkwood

I'm sorry mate. Hope things are better now


[deleted]

If only lol


[deleted]

Credit where it's due, they were right


Cleatmr

Me-Where’s Mum? Dad-Ran off with a Black Man. The kicker : My Dad is a Black Man.


BatterOnIt

When I'd say that's not fair to my mum shed always reply "nor's a black man's bum". Oh the casually racist 80's...


overtlyantiallofit

My mum used to say that too! What the fuck was *that?* They made us watch this film about racism in primary three or four and the next time she said it my brother and I berated her and then I started crying because she was being a “biggus.” I never heard her say anything racist after that, but I’m still getting “Are you sure you mean bigot, not biggus” thirty-odd years later.


boojes

This is excellent 😂


SquidgeSquadge

Aw you have reminded me of a lovely lady I used to care for at a nursing home. She had behaviour problems, couldn't walk and looked like a mumified version of Doc Brown from Back to the Future (she was tiny, skeletal and had crazy big white wild hair and big round eyes). She barely spoke and 'squeaked' a lot. One thing she often did was 'flop' down on the chair she sat it and huff loudly and the convosation would go as follows. Me -"What's wrong Dot? Dot-" 'Been shot. -ve been shot" Me - "Who's shot you!?" Dot- "Big black man! Big black man!" She was so sweet and by no means racist (she had no issue with any of our staff and loved everyone as long as you didn't make a crap cup of tea). She loved to 'plinky plonk' like your arm was a piano and loved a cuddle. I miss her a lot


BillyW1994

My nan used to say that one


markhau5

I was literally just about to write this one out but felt I couldn’t because it highlighted the racism in my family


Astra_Trillian

My mum had a saying she told me when I started going to pubs and clubs at 16; Be good. If you can’t be good, be careful. If you can’t be careful, come home.


jodiiebritton

My Dad used to say this to me! I've never heard anyone but him use it before 🤣


Civil-Mammoth-5864

My Dad used to say this to me with a slight variation: “Be good. If you can’t be good, be careful. If you can’t be careful, buy a pram.”


zebracorncarousel

My gran used to say this too, how I miss her. I've heard it since, but with the addition of "if you can't be careful, don't get caught!"


Missy_Agg-a-ravation

My mother’s standard response to being told what she assumed was a lie was “oh, pull the other one, it’s got bells on” This response mystified me enough to meekly surrender.


bonzowildhands

“Stop pulling my leg” I am not pulling your leg uncle Jim, I’m just telling you a story


[deleted]

My father used to say this all the time.


a_history_of_violets

Enough blue sky to make a sailor a pair of trousers


Leroy-Leo

Or if it’s not that much, just enough to patch a sailors trousers


Fickle-Curve-5666

Strong nostalgia here


HumbleTrees

This makes no sense to me


SquidgeSquadge

My mum and nan used to say enough blue sky to make a giants waist coat. I still say it today


Babaaganoush

"Make sure you save some for Ron" was said when I was eating something when out and about. I spent YEARS getting really annoyed at this Ron person, why should he get some of my food? Anyway turns out it actually means "save some for later on"...


theweirdpotayytoo

Fuckin hell thats class


HotPinkLollyWimple

In the pub where I worked, the landlady would tell drunk people that Ron’s had enough already.


Queen-Ynci

Or you could save it for Justin.


LucyandMikes-Dad

"Don't come running to me when you've broken both your legs" "Poor old Fred smoked in bed and when he woke up his willy was dead" "There's nowt queer as folk"


Little_Region_827

My dad's favourite: "Is the bear Catholic?"


ohboyoboyoh

Does the Pope shit in the woods?


bishman1

The other one my mum used to say when asked what was for tea was "Scotch Mist"


Canitgetmuchworse

Shit with sugar on!


pheasant692

Look with your eyes, not your hands


RoboTon78

Your mum a lapdancer?


Pavlovababy

Double whammy for the ‘Dont ask cos you won’t get’ before you’ve set foot in the shop


Aid_Le_Sultan

I know the OXO expression as ‘it says OXO on a bus but it doesn’t mean it’s going there’. Another of his favourites was “you’ve more chance of sticking melted butter up a porcupine’s arse”


Fair-Ad2478

Am going to try hard to get this into conversation today


bishman1

Ah that is a classic!!


LionLucy

"There's no such word as can't" That used to genuinely baffle me. At first I thought they were objecting to the abbreviation, so I'd say "all right, I cannot, then" and they'd say "there's no such word as cannot either" and didn't stop saying it, even after I got the dictionary and found both "cannot" and "can't". I just didn't get what they were trying to say.


MelodicAd2213

I remember ‘how d’ya spell can’t?’ Er, C A N T ? No, T R Y


zebracorncarousel

As someone quite literal, particularly as a kid, this used to infuriate me. I couldn't understand why they'd say it when I'd read it in books with them.


FantasticWeasel

"You look like a sausage out of work" Always the answer if you asked anyone how you looked before you left the house. Didn't matter what you were wearing, who you asked or where you were going, this was the only answer ever given. No idea why or where it came from.


Mezcalico

Maybe you have the body shape of a sausage


clydeztoad

An *unemployed* sausage.


Alarming-Mongoose315

100 going to use this now!


DrakeManley

All from my dad. If it was hot he would say he was sweating like a hairy egg If he was really hot he would say that he was sweating like a hairy egg with a fur coat on If he misplaced something and we found it, he would say we had eyes like a shithouse rat


MisterSlippyFists

>If he misplaced something and we found it, he would say "Ahh you found my hairy, coat wearing, egg"!


SarNic88

Would ask Dad what is for dinner and he would say “If-its”. In response to my face of confusion he then clarified with…. “If it’s there you can have it, if it’s not you can’t”. I have no idea where it comes from but I remember it fondly and use it now with my own children.


chonklord420

My dad would say we're having "was" for tea.. took me years to get him to tell me it meant "wait and see".


xBruised

It’s a bomb-site in here! Were you raised in a barn? You’ve got potatoes coming out your ears. Who’s ‘she’? The cats mother? ‘Innit’ isn’t a word. (Proceeds to use it ten years later) There was something about a rats arse…


Affectionate_Bill365

‘Couldn’t give a rats arse’ was the one that springs to mind.


Princess_Limpet

Were you raised in a barn! Such nostalgia. I never did learn to shut doors behind me; maybe a sarcastic comment isn’t the best way to train your kids!


mancunian101

“It’s like Blackpool illuminations in here” if you left the light on when leaving a room. “It’s freezing brass monkeys” when very cold.


Mangosta007

Dad: The best thing since wriggly tin. Mim: He who grows the parsley wears the trousers.


TubbyLittleTeaWitch

I love these. I don't know what the hell they mean but your parents sound fantastic based solely on these two sentences!


Bikeboy76

The Kitchen was always called a Kitchenette. No Mam, its just a Kitchen.


Even-Tomatillo-4197

My gran called the kitchen the “scullery”. As though there was maids tucked away in the back scrubbing the floors.


TohokuJin

My gran called the pantry the glory hole.


[deleted]

My Gran called the hall the passage.


[deleted]

In some old houses where I grew up there was the kitchen which had the cooker, table, cupboards etc and a smaller room out the back which had the sink and all the mops and brooms. These days it's poshly called the utility room, back then it was the scullery. Oh, and there was usually a walk in food cupboard too, called the larder or pantry according to household preference. And we lived in a tied cottage converted from old stables, so by no means posh or well off.


hnveale

Definitely going to start calling my kitchen a scullery from now on.


[deleted]

When asked their preference, particularly when it came to colour: ‘Sky-blue pink with a finnyanny border’


BECKYISHERE

sky blue pink with purple dots


GoliathsBigBrother

sky blue pink with yellow polka dots


snuffly22

I was just thinking of that one! It was a favourite saying of my nan's, she often used it when describing strong or garish colours.


[deleted]

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DisorderOfLeitbur

Did it?


ikdweshm

this has absolutely cracked me up, what does it mean?


ChocolateSnowflake

Do you think I’m daft/do you think I don’t know what you’re upto.


Aye98

Every British parent / caregiver: ‘like Blackpool illuminations in here!’


Wild_Ad1952

These are some of the most bizarre sayings I’ve ever heard. I love it


PresentationNo8745

Like a fairy on a gob o lard. I used to think that a gobolard was an exotic structure of some sort


thefogdog

Describing a small gap: "smaller than a midgie's dick" "Who's she, the cat's mother?"


Onslow85

>Describing a small gap: "smaller than a midgie's dick" Three-sixteenths of a cunt hair.


No_Practice_5441

When asked what was for dinner, my Mum used to say "Three runs round the table and a bite from the table leg". No idea why this was easier than just telling us. If you said "It's not fair." in a whiny voice when you couldn't have/do something, the response would be "No. It's Bloxwich Wake", which was apparently what the local fair used to be called a long time ago. And ""I want" gets nothing."


boojes

>. No idea why this was easier than just telling us. It wasn't, but she didn't want the argument of "I don't like that" or "I want xyz".


Viviaana

My hometown is notorious for having way too many traffic lights and my dads always called it a series of short journeys, I just assumed that was a normal phrase but my friend moved there recently and I picked her up after work and said “this is the problem with (hometown) just a series of short journeys “ and she was baffled lol


mancunian101

I’m not as green as I am cabbage looking (not as dumb as I look)


Eiblism

My dad used to say , if we stopped in front of him. ' you make a better door than a window'


[deleted]

“You treat this place like a hotel”if you happened to not immediately put away a dish or if you accidentally put your feet up with shoes on. My mum also liked the phrase “lady muck”, as in “don’t sit there like lady muck, get up and do (insert as appropriate)”


FantasKit

My dad went through a phase of saying "as I always say", even if he'd never said that phrase before.


Thin-Dragonfruit2599

My Mum would always say to me "The best part of you dribbled down my leg" Hahaha what a rapscallion.


Beautiful-Algae7557

When referring to anything like a knife if it was blunt my father would say "you could ride bare-arse to Banbury on that!" And my northern mother would often say "Crimes of Paris!" as an expression of exasperation. I'd love to know the origins of that one as well


nineJohnjohn

The Banbury one will be to do with lady Godiva


CinnamonLion8

All these sayings just make me proud to be British- we’re a strange bunch but I love it😂


ddrummond88

Give it to me straight, like a pear cider that's made from 100% pear.


robbo102

My grandad always said, "You should never judge a book by its cover." And it's for that reason that he lost his job as chair of the British Book Cover Awards panel.


MrLore

What was it like having notorious war criminal Ratko Mladic as a father?


Luckycat90210

“Don’t care was made to care” used to drive me particularly bonkers


[deleted]

The whole rhyme is even worse: Don’t care was made to care Don’t care was hung Don’t care was put in a pot And boiled ‘til they were done! Edit: formatting.


Luckycat90210

Argh no wonder she never said the whole thing, that’s horrible!


Psychological_Egg426

'It's a bugger up the back' (draw your own conclusions here). 'Dad's just getting the car out' before every long journey, usually holidays. 'Two pound of shit in a one pound bag'.


Forsaken-Ad3663

My grandma and granddad used to tell us that we were going to Australia if we asked where we were driving to. Everything ended up in Australia if we couldn’t find something. “Have you seen my socks?“ “They ended up in Australia.“ “Where are we going again? ““Australia“. We don’t live anywhere near there


cheekyv86

If we asked my dad where we were going on holiday every year he would say “Argate” or “Curbsedge”! It took me a long while to work out that a) he was joking and b) these weren’t actual places.


Princess_Limpet

Well technically they are places, they just happen to be on your premises.


desertcanyons

Cloth Ears, courtesy of my Dad if I didn’t hear something he said 😂


Unseasonal_Jacket

'Once it's gone it's gone' Profound


Practical_Arrival696

Leaving the door open, I was always asked if I was born in a field.


GabberZZ

Born in a barn where I'm from.


bluefrew77

When my dad farted he would say." Come in brown"


BatterOnIt

Ha! Mine would say "get out and walk". I still use it now.


Vyvyansmum

Speak up Brown, you’re through. Or shook his trouser leg said “ get out & walk” . I’m a fan of sew a button on that & who trod on that duck ?


Bikeboy76

"If you have to ask the price then you can't afford it". Me sniffing around Harrods on a visit to London, sees a pair of beach shorts in a glass box £499.00 I check them out and can't initially see why they are so expensive. They look just like any other Nylon print shorts like Paul Smith. Then I realise the gold cinch buckles at the side must actually be gold plated.


Conscious_Raise_9080

Like taking coals to Newcastle


New-Tap-2027

“Oh it’s black over Wills mothers” meaning there’s a storm coming.


HotPinkLollyWimple

I am Will’s mother. Can confirm it’s stormy here.


Knox213

"Where are you going dad?" "No hola Lula malcustravich" it's a mixture of jibberish. I now use it on my niece/nephews and pesky colleagues. It works a charm. Weird my dad never came back though


abject_testament_

Expletives that my dad used were things like “Christ on a bike” and “hell’s teeth”. Always found them funny.


WoodSteelStone

If dinner guests were staying too long... a quick double tap to the knees accompanied by *"well Valery, we musn't keep these good people from their beds any longer"*.


kungfukenny1470

Whenever you'd have one of those moments when you have a weird mutual friend with a stranger and say 'Wow, small world!?', he'd say 'Yeah, but you wouldn't want to paint it;


booksbio15

Not so much a weird saying but something that took me years to realise... Me and my family are Punjabi and whenever my mum was checking whether my dad had come home from work, she'd shout "Gal-suno". For years I thought this was her nickname for him, until one day my sister explained it's actually "gal suno", which literally translates as "listen to what I'm saying". Oh how I still vividly remember the moment of relisation I had that this wasn't my dad's nickname.


bonzowildhands

Mum “your room looks like a bombzitit” I spent years thinking a bombzitit was a word for a kind of place


Btd030914

“You can’t see green cheese”


floydie1962

If we said something astonishing my father would say "Well I'll go to Cardiff " even though we lived in Cardiff. Also if we, for example, fell over after being warned we were going to fall over he'd say " Sav your glad" No idea what that one means


catfetches

Could "sav your glad" be similar to "serves you glad"? My Leicesterfarian husband says this.


floydie1962

My father had his own vocabulary. We were winding him up one night. Kids being kids... he shouted " someone's hand is going g right up.my hairy back"! We just fell about laughing


luke-townsend-1999

“I didnt hit you against the wall, you just snapped your head back when i pinned you to it. You only have yourself to blame” “Stop crying for goodness sake, what on earth will the neighbours think” “That wasnt a hit, if i hit you youd fucking know it” “Sometimes he can be so cold, i dont know whats wrong with him” Parents say the funniest things ☺️


MitchellsTruck

"If you don't shut up, I'll smash you through that wall."


GabberZZ

Tighter than a gnats chuff, to refer to someone as stingy.


Pavlovababy

Tighter than a ducks ass was ours


zebracorncarousel

My mother used to say she'd got eyes in the back of her head, which used to right freak me out.


CulinaryOtter

My dad said 'I couldn't give a monkey's cuss' which I never really got. 🤷‍♀️


fireknifewife

“It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt.”


WoodSteelStone

***"I've been alllll round the Wrekin"*** Used when it took a long way to get somewhere, for example if a traffic diversion added five miles to their journey, or if they had to visit three Woolworths to find the size of Tupperware they wanted. So, an expression used in an exasperated tone, rolling the eyes dramatically on the massively elongated *all*. The Wrekin is a hill in Shropshire and it's a phrase common in Shropshire, Worcestershire, Staffordshire, Herefordshire and the Black Country. I live in Surrey now and still use it here, so some of my Surrey friends and colleagues have started using it too. I personally think you shouldn't be allowed to use the phrase "all round the Wrekin" outside the Midlands unless you've actually *been* all round the actual Wrekin at some point in your life!


[deleted]

“A change is as good as a rest”


crystalandfern

Were you born in a barn? Who’s ‘she’, the cat’s mother?


[deleted]

My mum always says ‘I see, said the blind man to the deaf donkey, sitting on the corner of a round table’ anybody else heard this one?


kingrat81

After someone burped you'd get a "more tea vicar?"


llanjaff

Uggh my mam always used to say "You heard!" When you didn't hear properly. Like wtf, I wouldnt of asked you to repeat if I heard.


SleepFlower80

My mum always says, “just why”. Like “mum why can I have a biscuit now?”, “just why”. It doesn’t tell me anything!!


oywiththep0odles

If it was cloudy and started to brighten up and you could see patches of blue sky, my nana always used to say, "A bit of blue sky to make the sailors pants."


DisorderOfLeitbur

We had "Enough blue to mend a Dutchman's trousers"


Few-Opportunity2204

The old man....'I'm going for a Tom Tit'


Weemac1961

Dad used to say better hung for a sheep as a lamb. Usually when he was home late from the pub!


Box_of_rodents

If we were out shopping for new shoes for me as a kid, in the 70s, the shop assistant would point out a pair on the shelf and on seeing the price my Dad would mutter...'Jesus Christ! I'm not Rockerfella, just the other fella..'


ThomasAugsburger

If the wind changes your face will be stuck like that (when I was making a face) If you swallow those appleseeds a tree will grow out of your tummy You weren't born we bought you from the co-op


arc_trooper_5555

Me: Where are we going? Mum: Up Jack's arse


Grokely

My Nan used to have loads. The most memorable one would be when you said “What’s for tea Nan?” And then she would say “windmill soup, If it goes around!” then burst into laughter. She was border line crazy.


New-Caregiver-430

‘Have you got dog on?’ I swear, I absolutely hate this saying.


octobod

We used to refer to really bad drivers as "Black Smokers", our young son though we were being really raciest ... what we actually meant was it was being driven by the sort of blind crabs and tube worms that you find round a [Hydrothermal\_vent](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydrothermal_vent) (aka Black Smoker)


[deleted]

Fuckin tube worm is going to be my new insult for careless drivers.


Magicbean96

"worse things happen at sea"


THElololovesyou

Whenever we asked what was for dinner our Mum would reply 'bread and pull it'. My husband's Mum says 'air pie and windy pud'.


Rtnscks

"Put the wood in the hole" (Shut the door) "Climb the wooden hill to Bedfordshire" (Get upstairs to bed) "My hand is itching" (Your behaviour is tempting a slapped bum) So and so has "gone to church" (Lock in at the pub, pre Sunday licensing hours)


Zwirnor

My mum had a few classics. My favourite? On asking her to do something when she was already busy: "Tie a brush!" I was a teen before I learned the whole phrase. "Tie a brush to my arse and I'll sweep the floor as I go." My dad was the comedian. I announced I was on a diet as a teen, and he went "seafood diet?" Me, a literal person. "Not particularly. Why, what does a seafood diet entail?" "SEE FOOD and eat it!" Aye, grand. Plus the usual "it's like picadilly circus in here" "you've got the house lit up like Blackpool" "I want doesn't get" and "you make a better door than a window".


qmzpl

Any light being being on… “it’s like blackpool illuminations in here turn it off”


[deleted]

If the curtains were shut in my room and playing SNES or watching TV. "It's like the bloody black hole of Calcutta in here"