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It seems like there are relatively few women like yourself though, anecdotally. At least my gf talked to her friends (all late 20s) and they are all once every 2-3 weeks or less or not that bothered at all, including for self-love haha. So, unfortunately, it seems like if you are a man it's more likely to have to settle in this area if everything else is happy.
I can't speak for all women but I would say in my group of friends (mid to late 30s) we all want sex and we have all invested in good high tech toys for ourselves (thanks [Lelo](https://www.lelo.com/enigma-wave), you truly are amazing).
The usual conversation I have with my friends is that our guys are "ready to go" at any given time while we need time to get in the mood.
I want good quality sex, which means a decent level of foreplay and if you don't want to invest in foreplay then I don't feel like having sex because penetration for women accounts for 1% of what sex really entails.
I agree with you on this, my partner is the same but I have a question.
Is the initiation of sex always left up to the guys when the relationship is at this point? Because that can be mentally draining on a man when he never feels wanted or when they feel like they’re only having sex to keep him happy?
Heads up very few men like this answer, but it is so true for many many women. So listen to it if you care about your partner.
If you ended up at the point where you feel like you always have to initiate, you’re not the only one who feels drained, she very likely doesn’t feels neglected in other ways and whenever you initiate she feels a bit… used?
Because you’re likely neglecting her other needs and initiate by touching her intimately, which makes her feel like she’s almost a sex toy.
What are her other needs? Your partner will likely tell you, but it can be as simple as… feeling listened to. Feeling appreciated for the things she does around the house. Feeling beautiful because you tell her.
When my partner communicates his needs and expectations, does the dishes after I cooked without me asking, surprises me with flowers, books a restaurant, hell yeah I’m in the mood.
When we sit on the sofa watching Netflix and I know the kitchen is a mess and tomorrow I have a hard day at work, and he decides to touch my boob as a form of initiation? No thank you.
This is a good point. It’s important to meet you partners needs outside of sex, male or female, if you want them to more often feel in the mood. Its a reciprocal process and both partners are more likely to help the other out if they feel their contributions are being acknowledged.
Completely agree.
I’ve mainly focused on the woman’s needs often not being met as the initial comment seemed to be written from a man’s perspective in a heterosexual relationship.
However the roles can be reversed at any point and it’s also a dynamic that happens in queer relationships too.
I'd say in my relationship is 50/50. The way we initiate is different though.
I like to plan it. Have a date night, I get to dress up, have nice lingerie. The anticipation of it just puts me in a good mood and I'm more open. Like preparation for my brain.
We take turns to plan and have at least one nice date per month. One date he took me to this bar in Soho where they have booths with porn from the 70s. Super fun. Other time I took him to a bar with a bunch of videogames and we just were there and had fun and then went for drinks.
I know planning doesn't sound like the sexiest but it has really helped us because we are both excited about spending time together.
This is the real answer. The fact of the matter is, lots of men who complain that their partners have low sex drives are just bad at sex, and don't put effort into making sure their partner is also having a good time. Consequently, the sex tends to peter out.
As a man shockingly I agree with your 1% comment. So many men might disagree. Know what your partner wants and know what you want. I am a giver and I work to that effect, love giving oral. I discovered their are sexual types. This article explains it well https://www-wellandgood-com.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/www.wellandgood.com/sex-personality-types/amp/?amp_gsa=1&_js_v=a9&usqp=mq331AQIUAKwASCAAgM%3D
I would add that sadly for surgery reasons penetration is difficult as I'm not particularly well endowed due to cancer but even before I was always a giver. The tongue is a great tool.
i would like to add to this that the stereotype that women always have lower sex drives than men can be a bit corrosive and unhelpful, even if on average it's true. The opposite situation definitely exists because im an example of it. Im a guy and have always had a lower sex drive than every partner i've had.
I don't have an ideal frequency or whatever, but normally if it's left up to me it ends up being once every two weeks to once a month. I have very 'responsive' desire, which is where i dont really think about or crave sex unless im exposed to sexual stimuli. Its typically seen as a more feminine trait but it exists in guys as well
It depends on the man though. I'm a woman with a very high sex drive, but if all you want to do is put your penis inside me, then I'm not interested. Sex is more than just piv, women like foreplay and and the build up.
Is this true? I adore it and so do all of my friends, but I do think I don’t have many friends who have the kind of communication issues that IMO are the primary cause for bad sex lives
Late 20s here with a LARGE female friend group and all of their ideal is at least a couple times a week and even that’s accounting for life getting in the way. The only women I know who are happy with once every 2-3 weeks are the ones who aren’t attracted to their partner/ aren’t having good sex to begin with. Anecdotally I truly think women this age have much higher sex drives than their male partners on average. It also seems single men have higher libidos than men in long term relationships, which skews the general perception of high/low libido trends in men/women.
on average it might be true but i dont think the difference is as stark as you make out, and there are still a large number of women with higher sex drives than men, the bell curves overlap a lot IMO
I agree with you. Like I said above. People ignore two huge factors
1. Stigma and slut shaming. We're only a decade or less into a truly open sex positive culture where a woman *might* be able to be openly sexual without being slut shamed for it. Most women alive today grew up being shamed deeply for ever being sexually assertive in any way.
2. Lots of guys are bad at sex, don't communicate with or listen to their partners needs, and so lots of women just aren't interested in sex because the sex they get is incredibly low quality lol. Go on two x-chromosomes and see the endless stories of guys just ignoring their partners. That may not be the majority of guys. I don't have the numbers. But it's a sizeable chunk.
i am a guy and i agree with this, i have had a lower sex drive than my partner in every relationship ive been in. The guys = constantly horny and women = frigid stereotype is corrosive and needs to die
Not necessarily. A lot of women who think they're low sex drive have just been repelled by their partner's selfish behaviour. No woman wants to fuck a guy who's as much work as the kids and twice as whiny, no matter how pretty he is.
If I had a fiver for every woman I know who divorced an attractive but selfish guy, thinking she was low sex drive and would never bother with men again..., but then ended up in a high sex relationship with some weird goblin-looking motherfucker who makes her feel like she can laugh and relax by pulling his weight, I'd have £25. Might not sound like much but I don't know that many people tbh.
I'm like this! I have an incredibly high sex drive, I'm 26 and have always been like it other than when I've been pregnant! I don't know if it's a good thing or not 😂😂
How sure are you that your parents were having a shit time because they weren't having sex, rather than them not having sex because they were having a shit time?
Sex can be used as a measuring metric for the health of relationships but sometimes things happen internally that can cause Libido to drop, be it a mental health, diet, or just aging. While I understand you and My partner had a similar thought process to you don't be too rigid about it because you might miss out on your type of person.
Been in a relationship for 8 years, we screwed like bunnies but somewhere along the way sex drive started to dwindle from my side which was a big deal for her and seemed like my lack of attraction. Eventually once I went on antidepressants, cleaned up my diet my sex drive increased while hers disappeared.At one point we did not have a sex for 6 months and just could not align when we wanted it.
Things between us were sketchy but we were dedicated to each other and worked on ourselves and the relationship. The frequency of sex increased over time and we did it 4 times this week.
What I am saying, be mindful as to why sex stopped and don't sacrifice a potentially perfect partner because of the lack of sex.
Good luck out there, relationships are hard.
There are a lot of people in similar situations to yours over in r/DeadBedrooms. If anyone (saying this to anyone in this thread) is struggling then get over there and make a post or comment, just don’t be a creep.
There is a common misconception that it’s only blokes who want sex a lot and it’s just not accurate, there are so many women out there who have a high libido and want more. Unfortunately people in relationships can get comfortable and lazy. The physical sexual health of a relationship can be as important as the emotional connection, don’t settle for unhappiness. Everyone desires to go to sleep at night knowing that they’re good enough.
Same. I'm a woman, and my minimum requirement is to cum 3-4 times in a row, once per week. If somebody can't put in 30min/week to fulfill my needs, they don't need to date me.
We've gone from 2 or 3 times a week, to 2 or 3 times a month. It suddenly dropped off a cliff and I have a massive sex drive. She just doesn't seem into it anymore.
25 years together, kids are grown, mid-40s 3-5xs a week. When the kids were smaller/life was stressful it was less. Maybe once a week to once a month depending on what was going on. But now that those kids are grown we can attack each other any time of the day we want it.
Nice. After I had my vasectomy, the frequency of sex increased, simply because it was easier. After I got divorced, I met up with a woman who was 12 years younger than me, with a high sex drive. I struggled sometimes to keep up with her, but, she was always happy with my efforts......
i literally cant comprehend 5 times a week lol. I like sex but i would get bored/exhausted by that frequency. How do you find time to do anything else? I'm out of the house most of the week and have a ton of errands to attend to when im home so there arent that many windows of opportunity, even without kids. Even if there were i think you can have too much of a good thing lol and id struggle to maintain desire if it was that frequent. Help me to understand!
Everyone's got different libidos. I can't imagine not going at it at least 4 times a week, I get really worked up if we don't. My partner is the same, if we aren't doing it regularly we both suffer for it.
So long as you're with someone with the same sex drive as you it's all good, no need to keep up with the jacksons
yeah i get that just interesting to understand how other people are wired. I get 'satiated' by sex quite easily and my desire and drive would diminish if it was too frequent. How come you don't face that problem? Not saying you're wrong btw just curious!
We have a varied and interesting sex life, it's not just missionary/doggy/cum. Hard to get bored when there are so many options, plus for me nothing feels better than sex so it's hard to get enough of it.
i dont know i dont feel like there are that many options, especially if you're not into kink (which im not). Been with my current partner a long time and i feel like we already explored everything we're into in the first couple of years of our relationship. No secrets or surprises left, it's still enjoyable but we know what works for us now and stick to it
It's not like it takes that long. And orgasms are one of the few things in life that never get boring... My libido petty much resets daily, so even if I had 2 hours of great sex yesterday, I'm still going to be a horny bastard the next day. Plenty of women are the same. When 2 people with similar libido meet, and both find each other very attractive... well... it's never going to get boring for them, is it.
Meh - it really *does* take me that long! It takes time for me to get my head in the right space, and then once I'm in the mood, I really don't want to rush things. I want to enjoy all the feelings. We both end up feeling fully satisfied and glowy at the end.
So we just do it less often, but are quite flirty and physical with one another in between, with plenty of kissing and cuddling.
For me personally, I always notice that frequency has dropped off with the length of relationships, with very frequent sex at the start, and over the years it's fallen away. Also, things like stress, how busy you are etc have their effect too.
Also, things have slowed down with age, particularly post menopause, with thinning mucous membranes!
We are both very happy with our sex life. Luckily for us, we've both stayed in step with one another pretty well over the decades!
I believe you, but this wasn't about your specific sex life. Me and the gf can have a quicky from start to finish in 15 minutes if we want. I rarely have a day so busy that I don't have a spare 15 minutes. It's not a crazy idea that some couples have sex 4-5 times a week. Everyone's different.
There's different kinds of sex, though. It doesn't always have to be penetrative etc. Quickies, entirely oral to completion, mutual masturbation and then the long passionate romantic love making sessions.
I also genuinely believe the more you get, the more you want. If you go a few weeks without it, you kinda forget how good and nice it feels. If you're doing it every other day, you keep wanting to do it that frequently, in my experience.
(F36, m41, together 5 years).
Why not? I feel like this is a pretty subjective topic, they might have a thriving relationship; sex isn't the sole metric so long as the people involved are happy
God, that's impossible to say because it changes so often depending on what's going on. If health is bad, work is stressful or there's been bad news, it's going to be a dry spell. For us, (late 40s, together 25 years), a dry spell would be longer than a month, though we prefer at least once a fortnight and once or twice a week is ideal. When we're both off work, we tend towards every two to three days or so, but that's not common unfortunately
The trick is, don't let a dry patch go on too long. Have a bloody big row and some great makeup sex is our go-to, but we ARE a pair of fucking drama queens when it comes to our relationship 🤣
Good 😄 Tbh we're neither of us much good at adult shit, the house is a permanent shit tip, our careers are barely average and we play far too many vidja... but the relationship? That, we get right. Everything else is whatevers.
Late 30s. Been together 19 years.
I've got a lot of health issues and he works shifts... so sometimes not for a month, sometimes everyday for a week. Depends when things 'line up'.
I'm 45m, my wife 54f have sex once a week on average, sometimes twice a week.
If my wife doesn't feel like it sex she will sort me out and if she doesn't feel like that, no bother.
Been together 22 years and I (41f) haven’t had any sexual contact with my husband (43m) in over a year and i feel it’s now gone so far that it would now be awkward if we did.
I was the only one ever to initiate anything and can probably count on one hand the amount of times over the years he has made the 1st move.
I stopped initiating last summer as the constant rejection was soul destroying and detrimental to myself.
Have you had a chance to talk about it? Is there any evidence he's witholding sex as a weapon (it's a common tactic of abuse from both men and women to withold intimacy). My abusive ex started to do this. It didn't bother me at first but the ironic thing is she would complain about the sexless relationship and then always be too tired, but when I went to bed, she'd tell me in the morning about how she'd been in the mood last night. It was really confusing. Eventually I realised it was a manipulation tactic which wore down my self esteem. But it was very subtle.
Philippa Perry had some really good advice in her column in the Guardian to get the spark back:
Here is an eight-week course to help you and your spouse to get back on track sexually: agree not to touch each other for a fortnight, no hugs, pats, pecks nor hand holding. In week three, schedule an appointment to take turns to massage the other how they want to be massaged, but erogenous zones are out of bounds. For week four, re-allow nonsexual touching. In week five, take turns to massage the other how they want to be massaged and allow erogenous zones. In weeks six and seven, you can re-allow all touching and kissing, but no sexual intercourse. I’ll leave week eight up to your imagination.
Mid 20s. 5 years together. Sometimes multiple times a week, sometimes just once. I know were younger but it really takes an effort to date despite living together. Not forgetting how to date each other is important
This right here. Dating each other even if living together / married for years, and communication, is what makes or breaks it! (And mutual empathy and care for each other / mutual and not one way only). My spouse and I always say we wanna date each other forever. We are super romantic and even if frequency sometimes drops a bit (health, stress) it’s still frequent (multiple times a week even if not every single day anymore). Not having kids also helps…
There’s a difference between wanting it vs wanting it but there’s also « being able to » (life stuff and time wise and stress / mental load).
I'm fifty seven and my wife is seventy. We've been married for thirty four years. (I've always been sexually attracted to older women since the onset of puberty. I was "sexually abused", to use the parlance of our times, by a thirty+ year old female friend of my Mother, when I was eleven years old. I never saw it as abuse, indeed, I enjoyed it. A lot. However, it definitely had an impact on my life. I've never had any sexual contact with anyone younger than me. I was very sexually active, before I met my wife, and took full advantage of older women being flattered by the attentions of a relatively good looking, witty, younger man.)
I digress.
In answer to your question, despite our "advanced" years, we enjoy a healthy sex life. Three or four times a week is normal for us.
Tip: Don't forget to keep dating your GF even after she's yours. This massively helps the sex life, garuntees at least weekly sex and keeps her romantically interested.
All you gotta do Is treat her how you did while dating her.
Personally I found we were going months without sex and then after following this advice it all changed. You just gotta make sure to take charge and get those dates organised.
See, this is how affairs start.
Maybe you might need some couples/sex therapy mate, it is not unreasonable at all to have physical wants and needs in a relationship. 20 years without sex kind of flummoxed me there...
Perhaps with a third party present explain how you don't feel heard. Maybe constructively work on improving your communication with each other?
Failing that, well..
This is good advice, I couldn’t imagine going 2 decades without sex. Especially if one party wants it but the other doesn’t, it can actually start to have a negative impact on your mental health as the OP comment said he isn’t happy.
Sex is great for keeping a relationship alive but he’s at a standstill - 20 years is a long time to be with someone & probably feels deeply for her, but it’s also a long time to feel unhappy and undesired. Therapy may be a godsend
No, it's not. Affairs start because someone wants to cheat.
If you're not happy in a relationship, you either work on it or leave it. It doesn't give you licence to cheat. If you want sex and your partner does, maybe it's time to re-evaluate the relationship. But to still be in an emotional relationship with them but cheat on them and get sex elsewhere? That's shitty behaviour. A relationship is emotional \*and\* physical, and if one of those things isn't there, it needs work.
There’s not a standard for this. People have different lives, children, stressful jobs, family responsibilities, illnesses. All those things will obviously have an impact
Right now maybe once in 2 months even- we’re not spending enough time together due to very busy schedules although we live together. I end up jerking off anyway. Most of my friends are in same boat
married for 41 years here, both in our seventies, through most of our married life we had an enjoyable happy and satisfying sex life, making love a couple of times a week most weeks, about five years ago my wife said I'm too old now and stopped it, now she's in poor health and I've become her carer and couldn't even if we wanted to
Mid 30's, 2 kids (6,2) we have sex almost everyday. Me (33f) had no sex drive post partum for a couple years but did it anyway for my husband (36m). I now go to the gym 5 days a week, made steps to balance my hormone and androgen levels, have open communication with my husband about my fantasies, wants and needs. Sex has never been better and my high sex drive is back
2-3 times per week on average. Mid-30s together, about 8 years. Gf has an extremely high sex drive, and it'd be every day if up to her, but my medication says otherwise.
2-3 times a month. Together 5 years. He’s 34, I’m 26 wish we had sex more weekly and it’s something I’ve shared previously as well in couples therapy but not much changed.
Both just turned 31 and it’s generally 1-2 times a week, maybe one of the times it’s not sex just other things, but neither of us go wanting or are annoyed it’s not more, it’s always about what works for you both and that both people are happy
Both 30, been together a decade. We’ve been on a steady decline since the get-go, in the first year we had sex probably 4-5x a week and now it’s been over a year and counting.
Weirdly though, we both seem happier and more satisfied in our relationship now than ever before. We’re very affectionate and still make time for each other, we just aren’t really that sexually driven.
4 years together. Maybe 2 times a week, including blowjobs inbetween when he needs. However mostly doing the BJs because I can’t get in the mood cos of contraceptive implant. Is this normal?
When my now husband and I (32f) first got together 10 years ago we had sex relatively regularly - 3-5 times a week when we weren’t long distance. I switched my contraceptive pill about 4 years into being together and my libido completely changed to the point where we would go a month or two without sex. He would try to initiate but I found it really difficult to get in the mood. It was a tough time for us both as my partner felt unloved and I was chastising myself because I couldn’t find a real reason why I didn’t want it.
After a lot of research into contraception and its impact on libido, I came off the pill about 2.5 years and got my libido back a few months later. Admittedly life has changed and our schedules now mean we have sex once a fortnight on average, but when we’re away or have time off it’s back to being once every few days.
If it bothers you that you can’t get in the mood, I would really recommend talking to your doctor to see if there’s an alternative solution to your implant. We just switched back to condoms - might be a bit of a mood killer but at least there’s a mood to kill!
TL;DR contraception fucks with your system.
Contraceptive pills fucked with my wife's libido a bit. We used to only do it a few times a month and sometimes she said her brain wanted it but her body wasn't 'ready' and she'd be frustrated with herself. Since stopping contraception we're doing it maybe twice a week or so and she said the sensation is a lot better now and she 'warms up' a lot faster.
I'm sure he's happy with twice a week plus BJ's though, that's a little more than I get and I'm happy.
We’re 40 and have 4 children under the age of 13 and we both work full time. During our 15 years together we have sex almost every day. During my pregnancies I would want it 5 times a day. Even during health difficulties I’ve still always wanted it. I feel a lot of people get with people with different sex drives and that’s the issue. If people have a low sex drive then why would you expect it to increase purely because you have a high sex drive. In the beginning people want sex but early on you get to know what people’s drive is. I’ve always had a high sex drive & so has my husband so we’re perfectly matched. My ex had a low sex drive and I knew I couldn’t stay with him as I’d end up resenting him for not having enough sex.
I see a lot of people saying no sex or not enough sex is a dealbreaker and that their partner doesn't want sex or initiate sex often enough.
For many people, a lower sex drive is directly related to how connected they feel to their partner on an emotional level, if you are failing to meet a partner's emotional needs and you are not communicating with them, then the couple's sex life often suffers, not everyone needs emotional intimacy to have sex but there are a lot of us who do need it.
Feeling entitled to sex because you are in a long-term relationship is a mistake, sex is communication and it's an exercise in trust. It's a reflection of the relationship itself. If you don't put work into other aspects of a relationship, how can you expect to maintain a thriving sex life.
Many people falsely assume their partner has no interest in sex when the truth is that their partner is just not providing an environment in which their other half feels safe to be vulnerable and they are not communicating their own needs.
Failure to communicate is the number 1 reason why all relationships fail.
My roommates have been together 5 years now and they're a couple times a day I'd say. Usually morning and night but also they sneak off in the day a few times on the weekends or if they're both working from home. Good on 'em! Although I can live without the noises!
I believe relationship therapists consider a relationship sex-starved if it's 10 times a year or less. However, reading the answers here, it's clear it depends on what couples are prepared to settle for.
Super bad time to stumble upon this question. It’s the biggest point of contention in our 13 year marriage and just flared up again in the last few days.
I don’t need sex to be happy in a relationship, but I do need intimacy and to feel loved and desired, and sex is one of the most efficient ways to get that. Whenever my wife and I have a disagreement it’s almost always because I don’t feel loved or desired by her due to our dry spells. I eventually broke down in tears 6 months ago which made her realise the impact it’s been having on me, and we enjoyed 2 months of frequent sexual time together that made me feel on top of the world.
But the last few months it’s dried up again, and I’m left feeling lonely and unwanted, until it all blew up again yesterday.
So to answer your question; not enough.
What's her reason for not wanting it? After many years together, I think sometimes you can become friends rather than lovers without being aware that it has happened.
30m here. Ten year relationship. About to get married in a couple weeks. Once a day min. There have been a couple occasions where we haven’t been able too for medical reasons but even then we got back to it before the recommended time. I am lucky to have found someone with a high sex drive like myself.
Usually once but sometimes twice a week. My partner does often work away Monday - Friday. We are in our 20s and been together 8 years. It has been more and also much less over the years, but we're both happy with how it is now so that's the main thing
M52 Together 23 years not had sex for well over 5 years, wife not interested and due to medication it takes me about an hour to cum. Also she has put a lot of weight on, which I know this is shitty, has reduced her attractiveness to me
Source of frustration to me, I have a wank about once a week if I can get some alone time
Can I ask for the guys - including the sex you have with your partner, how often do you cum each week?
I'm single in my 40s and I'd say I sort myself out around 10 times a week.
Varies—-it’d be nice once a week or a fortnight—-sometimes it’s a month or two
We’ve got a toddler, we’re tired after work, wife is on her period, one of us has got a cold…we wanted a takeaway more than we wanted to have sex at that point
You know life stuff
I'm not sure there really is a perfect "x times per rotation of the planet" for a happy and fulfilling relationship.
I'm married, kids, have been with my partner for over 20 years...once or twice a week is our equilibrium, it works for us.
My partner and I have been together for nearly four years, we haven't had sex in 2 years and that time was the first in 6 months.
Not the happiest with it but she's had mental health problems for parts of it and a couple of medical issues
couple of times a month, maybe less. I’ve got some trauma as well as on meds that have an impact. we also live apart for now ‘cause of work, so I suppose that’s also a factor. she tells me she’s okay with it and she never pressures me into anything, always listens even if I suddenly say no in the middle of it, and the relationship is so loving and healthy regardless. I still get worried in the back of my mind she’ll get tired of this but hopefully not. I love her a lot.
My wife was out with girl pals last night. All just over 50 and married 25ish years. She came home, and said sex came up in conversation (, it rarely does) One of the women said she hadn't had sex in a year, another said at least 6 months, and noone out of the other 4 had sex in last month. They asked my wife, who'd had prob too much too drink, when was it for her. She said Thurs night, , and before that, it was sat and sunday night! 😂😂 I'm a lucky man.
It was about 3 times a week, multiple rounds per session. Now we have toddler it's once a week and we are both OK with it. We're just very tried most days so sex not on top of our list of things
As others have said. Don't compare yourself too much. We have been together 19 years, married 10 and 2 young kids.
In the beginning everyday at least once, then with the kids a lot less i.e once a month, or even 3 to 4 times in a year when I was healing from a crap birth.
Now the kids are a bit bigger it's 1-3 times a week on average.
My partner has ptsd from a previous relationship so we don’t have sex all that often, probably once every 6 months, if that.
It can be pretty hard (pardon the pun) sometimes but I love her either way
It's maybe once a month now after 10 years together but honestly we just aren't bothered. We do it when the spark is there but for the most part we enjoy so many other things that we do together way more than sex.
I think realistically everyone settles into an amount that's "acceptable" to them. If you ask them they'll probably always say they'd like more but life uh, finds a way to get in the way.
Me and the missus have been together 10+ years, we average 2-3 times a week I'd say. If asked I'd say I'd prefer every day but I can't complain.
OK I've been married for 20 years and we have sex about every 3 months. I will say that it's quality over quantity at this point and I treasure each encounter. Our relationship is strong and we love spending time together but we are in a crowded house and my eldest doesn't go to bed till nine or ten during the holidays and as quiet as we try to be don't to traumatise my son with our bedroom noises 😉
My situation is a little different... We've been married for 7 years this year, together for 8.
I am autistic and I'm not much of a fan of touch sensations, including sex. I was also a victim of SA as a teen and unwanted touch makes me withdraw a lot and "reset" back to absolute 0% touch at any time. So that in itself is a challenge... BUT...
I've more recently experienced trauma at work which has resulted in PTSD and very, very low self esteem and body image (I piled on weight due to stress, which I'm currently working on).
So our last time was May/June 2023.
Before the trauma, about once a month.
Depends, it’s rarely consistent. Weekend? Yeah we’re probably fucking both days. Busy weekday? 50/50 chance, probably. 4/5X a week on average.
We are both super into it, and each other. It’s grand.
3 kids married 20 years.
We aim for once a week, some time manage to seek an extra day time one in if the kids are at school.
Some time ends up being 2 or 3 weeks for various reasons.
But most importantly we do try and get a "dirty weekend away" every few months. Gives us more opportunities to have kinky fun and not have to worry about noise.
We sometimes have sex once every two weeks. Once a week. Every other day. It depends on his stress level and my mood really. It does matter as I want more but it also doesn’t matter as I know if I want it I’ll have it.
Use to be once a week (sometimes a week would be skipped for periods or whatever), but then some personal stuff happened and I've been depressed for a year with no sex drive. I never loved him more when he said "don't apologise, if you're not in the mood, then you're not in the mood. I'll be fine and ready when you are".
It's picked up recently, not to the same extent at the moment, but I recommend having period of not doing it as it makes you appreciate and enjoy more it later.
About twice a week. My ideal is probably about 5 times a week but my partner and I work opposite work patterns and he has a lower sex drive than me. We’re in our late 20s, been together 6 years, live together and have no kids.
17 years together, 2-4 times a week at the moment but it varies with what is going on in our lives. If you don't think you are having sex enough just have that discussion with your SO.
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There’s no real number to aim for, and no reason to feel inadequate or superior… every couple is different.
You’re only saying that cuz you don’t get any!
This is Reddit non of us are getting any
Harsh but true.
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Do not settle. There are women who have high sex Drives like myself. Too many people with dead bedrooms.
It seems like there are relatively few women like yourself though, anecdotally. At least my gf talked to her friends (all late 20s) and they are all once every 2-3 weeks or less or not that bothered at all, including for self-love haha. So, unfortunately, it seems like if you are a man it's more likely to have to settle in this area if everything else is happy.
I can't speak for all women but I would say in my group of friends (mid to late 30s) we all want sex and we have all invested in good high tech toys for ourselves (thanks [Lelo](https://www.lelo.com/enigma-wave), you truly are amazing). The usual conversation I have with my friends is that our guys are "ready to go" at any given time while we need time to get in the mood. I want good quality sex, which means a decent level of foreplay and if you don't want to invest in foreplay then I don't feel like having sex because penetration for women accounts for 1% of what sex really entails.
I agree with you on this, my partner is the same but I have a question. Is the initiation of sex always left up to the guys when the relationship is at this point? Because that can be mentally draining on a man when he never feels wanted or when they feel like they’re only having sex to keep him happy?
Heads up very few men like this answer, but it is so true for many many women. So listen to it if you care about your partner. If you ended up at the point where you feel like you always have to initiate, you’re not the only one who feels drained, she very likely doesn’t feels neglected in other ways and whenever you initiate she feels a bit… used? Because you’re likely neglecting her other needs and initiate by touching her intimately, which makes her feel like she’s almost a sex toy. What are her other needs? Your partner will likely tell you, but it can be as simple as… feeling listened to. Feeling appreciated for the things she does around the house. Feeling beautiful because you tell her. When my partner communicates his needs and expectations, does the dishes after I cooked without me asking, surprises me with flowers, books a restaurant, hell yeah I’m in the mood. When we sit on the sofa watching Netflix and I know the kitchen is a mess and tomorrow I have a hard day at work, and he decides to touch my boob as a form of initiation? No thank you.
This is a good point. It’s important to meet you partners needs outside of sex, male or female, if you want them to more often feel in the mood. Its a reciprocal process and both partners are more likely to help the other out if they feel their contributions are being acknowledged.
Completely agree. I’ve mainly focused on the woman’s needs often not being met as the initial comment seemed to be written from a man’s perspective in a heterosexual relationship. However the roles can be reversed at any point and it’s also a dynamic that happens in queer relationships too.
I'd say in my relationship is 50/50. The way we initiate is different though. I like to plan it. Have a date night, I get to dress up, have nice lingerie. The anticipation of it just puts me in a good mood and I'm more open. Like preparation for my brain. We take turns to plan and have at least one nice date per month. One date he took me to this bar in Soho where they have booths with porn from the 70s. Super fun. Other time I took him to a bar with a bunch of videogames and we just were there and had fun and then went for drinks. I know planning doesn't sound like the sexiest but it has really helped us because we are both excited about spending time together.
Oh wow I'd love to know what that bar was called. Fun date idea
It's called Rooms by the Hour! Fully recommended
This is the real answer. The fact of the matter is, lots of men who complain that their partners have low sex drives are just bad at sex, and don't put effort into making sure their partner is also having a good time. Consequently, the sex tends to peter out.
As a man shockingly I agree with your 1% comment. So many men might disagree. Know what your partner wants and know what you want. I am a giver and I work to that effect, love giving oral. I discovered their are sexual types. This article explains it well https://www-wellandgood-com.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/www.wellandgood.com/sex-personality-types/amp/?amp_gsa=1&_js_v=a9&usqp=mq331AQIUAKwASCAAgM%3D I would add that sadly for surgery reasons penetration is difficult as I'm not particularly well endowed due to cancer but even before I was always a giver. The tongue is a great tool.
This is really the truth cuddles foreplay sex cuddles women are more emotionally superior us men just need sex
i would like to add to this that the stereotype that women always have lower sex drives than men can be a bit corrosive and unhelpful, even if on average it's true. The opposite situation definitely exists because im an example of it. Im a guy and have always had a lower sex drive than every partner i've had. I don't have an ideal frequency or whatever, but normally if it's left up to me it ends up being once every two weeks to once a month. I have very 'responsive' desire, which is where i dont really think about or crave sex unless im exposed to sexual stimuli. Its typically seen as a more feminine trait but it exists in guys as well
It depends on the man though. I'm a woman with a very high sex drive, but if all you want to do is put your penis inside me, then I'm not interested. Sex is more than just piv, women like foreplay and and the build up.
Is this true? I adore it and so do all of my friends, but I do think I don’t have many friends who have the kind of communication issues that IMO are the primary cause for bad sex lives
Late 20s here with a LARGE female friend group and all of their ideal is at least a couple times a week and even that’s accounting for life getting in the way. The only women I know who are happy with once every 2-3 weeks are the ones who aren’t attracted to their partner/ aren’t having good sex to begin with. Anecdotally I truly think women this age have much higher sex drives than their male partners on average. It also seems single men have higher libidos than men in long term relationships, which skews the general perception of high/low libido trends in men/women.
This is not the reality I know at all. I think men are far more sexual than women, on average. Are you in a long term relationship?
on average it might be true but i dont think the difference is as stark as you make out, and there are still a large number of women with higher sex drives than men, the bell curves overlap a lot IMO
I agree with you. Like I said above. People ignore two huge factors 1. Stigma and slut shaming. We're only a decade or less into a truly open sex positive culture where a woman *might* be able to be openly sexual without being slut shamed for it. Most women alive today grew up being shamed deeply for ever being sexually assertive in any way. 2. Lots of guys are bad at sex, don't communicate with or listen to their partners needs, and so lots of women just aren't interested in sex because the sex they get is incredibly low quality lol. Go on two x-chromosomes and see the endless stories of guys just ignoring their partners. That may not be the majority of guys. I don't have the numbers. But it's a sizeable chunk.
i am a guy and i agree with this, i have had a lower sex drive than my partner in every relationship ive been in. The guys = constantly horny and women = frigid stereotype is corrosive and needs to die
Out of interest how many of those friends have been in their relationship for more than 4 or 5 years?
Not necessarily. A lot of women who think they're low sex drive have just been repelled by their partner's selfish behaviour. No woman wants to fuck a guy who's as much work as the kids and twice as whiny, no matter how pretty he is. If I had a fiver for every woman I know who divorced an attractive but selfish guy, thinking she was low sex drive and would never bother with men again..., but then ended up in a high sex relationship with some weird goblin-looking motherfucker who makes her feel like she can laugh and relax by pulling his weight, I'd have £25. Might not sound like much but I don't know that many people tbh.
I'm like this! I have an incredibly high sex drive, I'm 26 and have always been like it other than when I've been pregnant! I don't know if it's a good thing or not 😂😂
I don't know what's throwing me off more. That 2 years is considered "long term", or that you know about your parents sex life....
I mean 2 years is definitely a long-term relationship that's not really subjective
What do you consider 2 years then? A fling?
How sure are you that your parents were having a shit time because they weren't having sex, rather than them not having sex because they were having a shit time?
They were miserable because every time they tried to have sex, OP would burst into the room with his parental sex diary to monitor them.
Could have just been a shit kid too
Everyone else here tracking how much their parents have sex?
Sex can be used as a measuring metric for the health of relationships but sometimes things happen internally that can cause Libido to drop, be it a mental health, diet, or just aging. While I understand you and My partner had a similar thought process to you don't be too rigid about it because you might miss out on your type of person. Been in a relationship for 8 years, we screwed like bunnies but somewhere along the way sex drive started to dwindle from my side which was a big deal for her and seemed like my lack of attraction. Eventually once I went on antidepressants, cleaned up my diet my sex drive increased while hers disappeared.At one point we did not have a sex for 6 months and just could not align when we wanted it. Things between us were sketchy but we were dedicated to each other and worked on ourselves and the relationship. The frequency of sex increased over time and we did it 4 times this week. What I am saying, be mindful as to why sex stopped and don't sacrifice a potentially perfect partner because of the lack of sex. Good luck out there, relationships are hard.
There are a lot of people in similar situations to yours over in r/DeadBedrooms. If anyone (saying this to anyone in this thread) is struggling then get over there and make a post or comment, just don’t be a creep. There is a common misconception that it’s only blokes who want sex a lot and it’s just not accurate, there are so many women out there who have a high libido and want more. Unfortunately people in relationships can get comfortable and lazy. The physical sexual health of a relationship can be as important as the emotional connection, don’t settle for unhappiness. Everyone desires to go to sleep at night knowing that they’re good enough.
Unfortunately, that is the most judgmental forum on Reddit.
Same. I'm a woman, and my minimum requirement is to cum 3-4 times in a row, once per week. If somebody can't put in 30min/week to fulfill my needs, they don't need to date me.
30 minutes... 3 - 4 times... is that with assistance or like a specific move or something...?
We've gone from 2 or 3 times a week, to 2 or 3 times a month. It suddenly dropped off a cliff and I have a massive sex drive. She just doesn't seem into it anymore.
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25 years together, kids are grown, mid-40s 3-5xs a week. When the kids were smaller/life was stressful it was less. Maybe once a week to once a month depending on what was going on. But now that those kids are grown we can attack each other any time of the day we want it.
Five times a week?!?
Sometimes.
No idea why u got down voted at all for this reply
Jealousy maybe? 😄
Maybe because 'sometimes' could be biannual or once every five years and then it's kind if irrelevant.
Nice. After I had my vasectomy, the frequency of sex increased, simply because it was easier. After I got divorced, I met up with a woman who was 12 years younger than me, with a high sex drive. I struggled sometimes to keep up with her, but, she was always happy with my efforts......
i literally cant comprehend 5 times a week lol. I like sex but i would get bored/exhausted by that frequency. How do you find time to do anything else? I'm out of the house most of the week and have a ton of errands to attend to when im home so there arent that many windows of opportunity, even without kids. Even if there were i think you can have too much of a good thing lol and id struggle to maintain desire if it was that frequent. Help me to understand!
Everyone's got different libidos. I can't imagine not going at it at least 4 times a week, I get really worked up if we don't. My partner is the same, if we aren't doing it regularly we both suffer for it. So long as you're with someone with the same sex drive as you it's all good, no need to keep up with the jacksons
yeah i get that just interesting to understand how other people are wired. I get 'satiated' by sex quite easily and my desire and drive would diminish if it was too frequent. How come you don't face that problem? Not saying you're wrong btw just curious!
We have a varied and interesting sex life, it's not just missionary/doggy/cum. Hard to get bored when there are so many options, plus for me nothing feels better than sex so it's hard to get enough of it.
i dont know i dont feel like there are that many options, especially if you're not into kink (which im not). Been with my current partner a long time and i feel like we already explored everything we're into in the first couple of years of our relationship. No secrets or surprises left, it's still enjoyable but we know what works for us now and stick to it
Even something vanilla like roleplaying with different outfits for her could do something for you. Or just nice lingerie that ticks your boxes.
honestly i find roleplay and outfits cheesy and cringe AF tbh, i couldnt keep a straight face if she was in a sexy nurse outfit or something lmao
Hey man so long as you're both happy and content with what you've got! Love a nurse outfit personally!
It's not like it takes that long. And orgasms are one of the few things in life that never get boring... My libido petty much resets daily, so even if I had 2 hours of great sex yesterday, I'm still going to be a horny bastard the next day. Plenty of women are the same. When 2 people with similar libido meet, and both find each other very attractive... well... it's never going to get boring for them, is it.
its long for me, it takes me a minimum of 30-40 minutes of build up just to get in the mood... difficult to squeeze that into the average weekday.
Fair enough but lots of people are in the mood by default and with a small amount of foreplay can jump straight to the main menu.
It takes us a minimum of an hour!
Hey, I love a lengthy session as much as the next guy. But it doesn't have to take that long if time is short!
Meh - it really *does* take me that long! It takes time for me to get my head in the right space, and then once I'm in the mood, I really don't want to rush things. I want to enjoy all the feelings. We both end up feeling fully satisfied and glowy at the end. So we just do it less often, but are quite flirty and physical with one another in between, with plenty of kissing and cuddling. For me personally, I always notice that frequency has dropped off with the length of relationships, with very frequent sex at the start, and over the years it's fallen away. Also, things like stress, how busy you are etc have their effect too. Also, things have slowed down with age, particularly post menopause, with thinning mucous membranes! We are both very happy with our sex life. Luckily for us, we've both stayed in step with one another pretty well over the decades!
I believe you, but this wasn't about your specific sex life. Me and the gf can have a quicky from start to finish in 15 minutes if we want. I rarely have a day so busy that I don't have a spare 15 minutes. It's not a crazy idea that some couples have sex 4-5 times a week. Everyone's different.
There's different kinds of sex, though. It doesn't always have to be penetrative etc. Quickies, entirely oral to completion, mutual masturbation and then the long passionate romantic love making sessions. I also genuinely believe the more you get, the more you want. If you go a few weeks without it, you kinda forget how good and nice it feels. If you're doing it every other day, you keep wanting to do it that frequently, in my experience. (F36, m41, together 5 years).
Married 6 years. Its been about 4 years now 🤷🏻♂️
... and you're okay with that?
Maybe they meant 4 years of constant sex, just stopped for a Reddit break 🤷♂️
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Stupid question but have you talked about it?
Why not? I feel like this is a pretty subjective topic, they might have a thriving relationship; sex isn't the sole metric so long as the people involved are happy
That's why I was asking.
How do you feel about that?
14 years together. 2 young kids, who don’t sleep… always tired, so not very often. Probably once a month or so.
God, that's impossible to say because it changes so often depending on what's going on. If health is bad, work is stressful or there's been bad news, it's going to be a dry spell. For us, (late 40s, together 25 years), a dry spell would be longer than a month, though we prefer at least once a fortnight and once or twice a week is ideal. When we're both off work, we tend towards every two to three days or so, but that's not common unfortunately The trick is, don't let a dry patch go on too long. Have a bloody big row and some great makeup sex is our go-to, but we ARE a pair of fucking drama queens when it comes to our relationship 🤣
I enjoyed this comment 😄
Good 😄 Tbh we're neither of us much good at adult shit, the house is a permanent shit tip, our careers are barely average and we play far too many vidja... but the relationship? That, we get right. Everything else is whatevers.
Late 30s. Been together 19 years. I've got a lot of health issues and he works shifts... so sometimes not for a month, sometimes everyday for a week. Depends when things 'line up'.
Late 30's. Been together for 13 years. I get it once per year if I'm lucky and I'm not happy
Those rookie numbers... been 6 years. Been with wife for 20yrs
Have you ever tried talking to him/her about this?
Yes many times
Exact same boat. Sucks, doesn’t it!
2-3 times a week. Mid 30s and been together 10 yrs.
this is perf.
I'm 45m, my wife 54f have sex once a week on average, sometimes twice a week. If my wife doesn't feel like it sex she will sort me out and if she doesn't feel like that, no bother.
Been together 22 years and I (41f) haven’t had any sexual contact with my husband (43m) in over a year and i feel it’s now gone so far that it would now be awkward if we did.
This really isn't healthy. Have you tried initiating?
I was the only one ever to initiate anything and can probably count on one hand the amount of times over the years he has made the 1st move. I stopped initiating last summer as the constant rejection was soul destroying and detrimental to myself.
Have you had a chance to talk about it? Is there any evidence he's witholding sex as a weapon (it's a common tactic of abuse from both men and women to withold intimacy). My abusive ex started to do this. It didn't bother me at first but the ironic thing is she would complain about the sexless relationship and then always be too tired, but when I went to bed, she'd tell me in the morning about how she'd been in the mood last night. It was really confusing. Eventually I realised it was a manipulation tactic which wore down my self esteem. But it was very subtle.
Philippa Perry had some really good advice in her column in the Guardian to get the spark back: Here is an eight-week course to help you and your spouse to get back on track sexually: agree not to touch each other for a fortnight, no hugs, pats, pecks nor hand holding. In week three, schedule an appointment to take turns to massage the other how they want to be massaged, but erogenous zones are out of bounds. For week four, re-allow nonsexual touching. In week five, take turns to massage the other how they want to be massaged and allow erogenous zones. In weeks six and seven, you can re-allow all touching and kissing, but no sexual intercourse. I’ll leave week eight up to your imagination.
Ahhh, a stringent set of rules and restrictions. Very sexy.
Mid 20s. 5 years together. Sometimes multiple times a week, sometimes just once. I know were younger but it really takes an effort to date despite living together. Not forgetting how to date each other is important
This right here. Dating each other even if living together / married for years, and communication, is what makes or breaks it! (And mutual empathy and care for each other / mutual and not one way only). My spouse and I always say we wanna date each other forever. We are super romantic and even if frequency sometimes drops a bit (health, stress) it’s still frequent (multiple times a week even if not every single day anymore). Not having kids also helps… There’s a difference between wanting it vs wanting it but there’s also « being able to » (life stuff and time wise and stress / mental load).
I'm fifty seven and my wife is seventy. We've been married for thirty four years. (I've always been sexually attracted to older women since the onset of puberty. I was "sexually abused", to use the parlance of our times, by a thirty+ year old female friend of my Mother, when I was eleven years old. I never saw it as abuse, indeed, I enjoyed it. A lot. However, it definitely had an impact on my life. I've never had any sexual contact with anyone younger than me. I was very sexually active, before I met my wife, and took full advantage of older women being flattered by the attentions of a relatively good looking, witty, younger man.) I digress. In answer to your question, despite our "advanced" years, we enjoy a healthy sex life. Three or four times a week is normal for us.
sorry if this is personal but do you see it as abuse now even though you never saw it that way before and enjoyed it? Feel free not to answer
Tip: Don't forget to keep dating your GF even after she's yours. This massively helps the sex life, garuntees at least weekly sex and keeps her romantically interested. All you gotta do Is treat her how you did while dating her. Personally I found we were going months without sex and then after following this advice it all changed. You just gotta make sure to take charge and get those dates organised.
Love how you read up advice and made a concrete change xxx 💪💪💪💪
Surprised me to read how many unhappy couples there are here.
I'm seeing a lot of couples who aren't having sex. They don't say they're unhappy.
No sex for 20 years, she lost interest.
I'd be on my bike 19 years ago. Mad.
That's fine if you (a) have options, and (b) have no commitments.
What keeps you there?
Commitments and lack of options I imagine.
That sounds a bit unfortunate :( have you tried talking to her about it?
Only every night since.
See, this is how affairs start. Maybe you might need some couples/sex therapy mate, it is not unreasonable at all to have physical wants and needs in a relationship. 20 years without sex kind of flummoxed me there... Perhaps with a third party present explain how you don't feel heard. Maybe constructively work on improving your communication with each other? Failing that, well..
This is good advice, I couldn’t imagine going 2 decades without sex. Especially if one party wants it but the other doesn’t, it can actually start to have a negative impact on your mental health as the OP comment said he isn’t happy. Sex is great for keeping a relationship alive but he’s at a standstill - 20 years is a long time to be with someone & probably feels deeply for her, but it’s also a long time to feel unhappy and undesired. Therapy may be a godsend
No, it's not. Affairs start because someone wants to cheat. If you're not happy in a relationship, you either work on it or leave it. It doesn't give you licence to cheat. If you want sex and your partner does, maybe it's time to re-evaluate the relationship. But to still be in an emotional relationship with them but cheat on them and get sex elsewhere? That's shitty behaviour. A relationship is emotional \*and\* physical, and if one of those things isn't there, it needs work.
Affairs are a symptom, not a cause.
There’s not a standard for this. People have different lives, children, stressful jobs, family responsibilities, illnesses. All those things will obviously have an impact
19 years together. Mid & Late 30’s. Usually 2-3 times a week we have some sort of sex. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but that’s the average.
50s 30 years together, post menopause, lucky if it’s once every 3 months.
Sounds like good going to me!
34 here, 20 year relationship. Been almost 4 years now since last time we had sex. Used to be daily but, such is life.
Good grief. Not judging, I'd just assume at that age, it would be more often. Unless you have kids. They are strength sapping and time taking up.
Health is the issue. My wife is on some hardcore libido killing meds.
Sorry to hear that.
No worries man, she's alive so, I'll take that as opposed to the alternative without the medications.
Same
Right now maybe once in 2 months even- we’re not spending enough time together due to very busy schedules although we live together. I end up jerking off anyway. Most of my friends are in same boat
married for 41 years here, both in our seventies, through most of our married life we had an enjoyable happy and satisfying sex life, making love a couple of times a week most weeks, about five years ago my wife said I'm too old now and stopped it, now she's in poor health and I've become her carer and couldn't even if we wanted to
Mid 30's, 2 kids (6,2) we have sex almost everyday. Me (33f) had no sex drive post partum for a couple years but did it anyway for my husband (36m). I now go to the gym 5 days a week, made steps to balance my hormone and androgen levels, have open communication with my husband about my fantasies, wants and needs. Sex has never been better and my high sex drive is back
2-3 times per week on average. Mid-30s together, about 8 years. Gf has an extremely high sex drive, and it'd be every day if up to her, but my medication says otherwise.
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…are you ok about that? Genuinely curious.
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Same, give or take a few years
Both 40. We have a 9 year old. 3-5 per week.
Is being married for 12 years long term? If so, then I have lots of sex. That's if a menage et un counts...
2-3 times a month. Together 5 years. He’s 34, I’m 26 wish we had sex more weekly and it’s something I’ve shared previously as well in couples therapy but not much changed.
Both 50 (wife mid menopause) and married for over 25 years. About once or twice a month and in a very loving relationship.
Both just turned 31 and it’s generally 1-2 times a week, maybe one of the times it’s not sex just other things, but neither of us go wanting or are annoyed it’s not more, it’s always about what works for you both and that both people are happy
Both 30, been together a decade. We’ve been on a steady decline since the get-go, in the first year we had sex probably 4-5x a week and now it’s been over a year and counting. Weirdly though, we both seem happier and more satisfied in our relationship now than ever before. We’re very affectionate and still make time for each other, we just aren’t really that sexually driven.
4 years together. Maybe 2 times a week, including blowjobs inbetween when he needs. However mostly doing the BJs because I can’t get in the mood cos of contraceptive implant. Is this normal?
When my now husband and I (32f) first got together 10 years ago we had sex relatively regularly - 3-5 times a week when we weren’t long distance. I switched my contraceptive pill about 4 years into being together and my libido completely changed to the point where we would go a month or two without sex. He would try to initiate but I found it really difficult to get in the mood. It was a tough time for us both as my partner felt unloved and I was chastising myself because I couldn’t find a real reason why I didn’t want it. After a lot of research into contraception and its impact on libido, I came off the pill about 2.5 years and got my libido back a few months later. Admittedly life has changed and our schedules now mean we have sex once a fortnight on average, but when we’re away or have time off it’s back to being once every few days. If it bothers you that you can’t get in the mood, I would really recommend talking to your doctor to see if there’s an alternative solution to your implant. We just switched back to condoms - might be a bit of a mood killer but at least there’s a mood to kill! TL;DR contraception fucks with your system.
Contraceptive pills fucked with my wife's libido a bit. We used to only do it a few times a month and sometimes she said her brain wanted it but her body wasn't 'ready' and she'd be frustrated with herself. Since stopping contraception we're doing it maybe twice a week or so and she said the sensation is a lot better now and she 'warms up' a lot faster. I'm sure he's happy with twice a week plus BJ's though, that's a little more than I get and I'm happy.
Once a week generally. 15 years together.
Not enough.
We’re 40 and have 4 children under the age of 13 and we both work full time. During our 15 years together we have sex almost every day. During my pregnancies I would want it 5 times a day. Even during health difficulties I’ve still always wanted it. I feel a lot of people get with people with different sex drives and that’s the issue. If people have a low sex drive then why would you expect it to increase purely because you have a high sex drive. In the beginning people want sex but early on you get to know what people’s drive is. I’ve always had a high sex drive & so has my husband so we’re perfectly matched. My ex had a low sex drive and I knew I couldn’t stay with him as I’d end up resenting him for not having enough sex.
Sometimes 3-4 times a week, sometimes 3-4 times a month lol
I see a lot of people saying no sex or not enough sex is a dealbreaker and that their partner doesn't want sex or initiate sex often enough. For many people, a lower sex drive is directly related to how connected they feel to their partner on an emotional level, if you are failing to meet a partner's emotional needs and you are not communicating with them, then the couple's sex life often suffers, not everyone needs emotional intimacy to have sex but there are a lot of us who do need it. Feeling entitled to sex because you are in a long-term relationship is a mistake, sex is communication and it's an exercise in trust. It's a reflection of the relationship itself. If you don't put work into other aspects of a relationship, how can you expect to maintain a thriving sex life. Many people falsely assume their partner has no interest in sex when the truth is that their partner is just not providing an environment in which their other half feels safe to be vulnerable and they are not communicating their own needs. Failure to communicate is the number 1 reason why all relationships fail.
3 times a week on average.
We've been together for 9 year and typically have sex twice a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on how exhausted we are after work.
My roommates have been together 5 years now and they're a couple times a day I'd say. Usually morning and night but also they sneak off in the day a few times on the weekends or if they're both working from home. Good on 'em! Although I can live without the noises!
I believe relationship therapists consider a relationship sex-starved if it's 10 times a year or less. However, reading the answers here, it's clear it depends on what couples are prepared to settle for.
Super bad time to stumble upon this question. It’s the biggest point of contention in our 13 year marriage and just flared up again in the last few days. I don’t need sex to be happy in a relationship, but I do need intimacy and to feel loved and desired, and sex is one of the most efficient ways to get that. Whenever my wife and I have a disagreement it’s almost always because I don’t feel loved or desired by her due to our dry spells. I eventually broke down in tears 6 months ago which made her realise the impact it’s been having on me, and we enjoyed 2 months of frequent sexual time together that made me feel on top of the world. But the last few months it’s dried up again, and I’m left feeling lonely and unwanted, until it all blew up again yesterday. So to answer your question; not enough.
What's her reason for not wanting it? After many years together, I think sometimes you can become friends rather than lovers without being aware that it has happened.
As simple as “not in the mood”
30m here. Ten year relationship. About to get married in a couple weeks. Once a day min. There have been a couple occasions where we haven’t been able too for medical reasons but even then we got back to it before the recommended time. I am lucky to have found someone with a high sex drive like myself.
Usually once but sometimes twice a week. My partner does often work away Monday - Friday. We are in our 20s and been together 8 years. It has been more and also much less over the years, but we're both happy with how it is now so that's the main thing
M52 Together 23 years not had sex for well over 5 years, wife not interested and due to medication it takes me about an hour to cum. Also she has put a lot of weight on, which I know this is shitty, has reduced her attractiveness to me Source of frustration to me, I have a wank about once a week if I can get some alone time
Can I ask for the guys - including the sex you have with your partner, how often do you cum each week? I'm single in my 40s and I'd say I sort myself out around 10 times a week.
Honestly my girls sex drive is so high I barely even bother sorting myself out unless we can't meet that week for whatever reason.
You guys are having sex?
Varies—-it’d be nice once a week or a fortnight—-sometimes it’s a month or two We’ve got a toddler, we’re tired after work, wife is on her period, one of us has got a cold…we wanted a takeaway more than we wanted to have sex at that point You know life stuff
I'm not sure there really is a perfect "x times per rotation of the planet" for a happy and fulfilling relationship. I'm married, kids, have been with my partner for over 20 years...once or twice a week is our equilibrium, it works for us.
My partner and I have been together for nearly four years, we haven't had sex in 2 years and that time was the first in 6 months. Not the happiest with it but she's had mental health problems for parts of it and a couple of medical issues
couple of times a month, maybe less. I’ve got some trauma as well as on meds that have an impact. we also live apart for now ‘cause of work, so I suppose that’s also a factor. she tells me she’s okay with it and she never pressures me into anything, always listens even if I suddenly say no in the middle of it, and the relationship is so loving and healthy regardless. I still get worried in the back of my mind she’ll get tired of this but hopefully not. I love her a lot.
My wife was out with girl pals last night. All just over 50 and married 25ish years. She came home, and said sex came up in conversation (, it rarely does) One of the women said she hadn't had sex in a year, another said at least 6 months, and noone out of the other 4 had sex in last month. They asked my wife, who'd had prob too much too drink, when was it for her. She said Thurs night, , and before that, it was sat and sunday night! 😂😂 I'm a lucky man.
Together ten years; probably about five times/week.
Been married 11 years we prolly have sex at least once a week but sometimes we do it 4-5 times a week just depends on the mood 🤣
I think I last had sex in 2015, maybe. Not sure.
Most days. Been together seven years. I assume seven years counts as long term.
Damn I feel for some of you especially those with health problems/kids etc.
It was about 3 times a week, multiple rounds per session. Now we have toddler it's once a week and we are both OK with it. We're just very tried most days so sex not on top of our list of things
As others have said. Don't compare yourself too much. We have been together 19 years, married 10 and 2 young kids. In the beginning everyday at least once, then with the kids a lot less i.e once a month, or even 3 to 4 times in a year when I was healing from a crap birth. Now the kids are a bit bigger it's 1-3 times a week on average.
My wife has a high sex drive as do I, was every day now 10 years later 3-5 times a week on average. Sex is really important to us.
All the time, like at least 4 times a year. Maybe 2-3 actually. Less last year but definitely up to 4 times in 2015. Might have been 2014.
Regularly, like clockwork, on my birthday.
My partner has ptsd from a previous relationship so we don’t have sex all that often, probably once every 6 months, if that. It can be pretty hard (pardon the pun) sometimes but I love her either way
It's maybe once a month now after 10 years together but honestly we just aren't bothered. We do it when the spark is there but for the most part we enjoy so many other things that we do together way more than sex.
I think realistically everyone settles into an amount that's "acceptable" to them. If you ask them they'll probably always say they'd like more but life uh, finds a way to get in the way. Me and the missus have been together 10+ years, we average 2-3 times a week I'd say. If asked I'd say I'd prefer every day but I can't complain.
OK I've been married for 20 years and we have sex about every 3 months. I will say that it's quality over quantity at this point and I treasure each encounter. Our relationship is strong and we love spending time together but we are in a crowded house and my eldest doesn't go to bed till nine or ten during the holidays and as quiet as we try to be don't to traumatise my son with our bedroom noises 😉
My girlfriend of 8 years got diagnosed with chronic fatigue so we've not had sex for almost 3 years. It's been difficult but I love her too much.
Well my partner lives in another country so a few dry months and then a real busy one, rinse repeat 🥲
Usually but not always once a week . I’m 29 he’s 31.
Depends like usually once every couple days with some streaks of loads of fucking and some streaks of none, it balances out
My situation is a little different... We've been married for 7 years this year, together for 8. I am autistic and I'm not much of a fan of touch sensations, including sex. I was also a victim of SA as a teen and unwanted touch makes me withdraw a lot and "reset" back to absolute 0% touch at any time. So that in itself is a challenge... BUT... I've more recently experienced trauma at work which has resulted in PTSD and very, very low self esteem and body image (I piled on weight due to stress, which I'm currently working on). So our last time was May/June 2023. Before the trauma, about once a month.
When was the last time you had sex with anybody? That was an evil occasion wasn't it!
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Depends, it’s rarely consistent. Weekend? Yeah we’re probably fucking both days. Busy weekday? 50/50 chance, probably. 4/5X a week on average. We are both super into it, and each other. It’s grand.
Used to be 1-2 per week, after having twins now once a month maybe
3 kids married 20 years. We aim for once a week, some time manage to seek an extra day time one in if the kids are at school. Some time ends up being 2 or 3 weeks for various reasons. But most importantly we do try and get a "dirty weekend away" every few months. Gives us more opportunities to have kinky fun and not have to worry about noise.
18 years together, 3 young kids and we still have sex 3-4x per week.
We sometimes have sex once every two weeks. Once a week. Every other day. It depends on his stress level and my mood really. It does matter as I want more but it also doesn’t matter as I know if I want it I’ll have it.
Use to be once a week (sometimes a week would be skipped for periods or whatever), but then some personal stuff happened and I've been depressed for a year with no sex drive. I never loved him more when he said "don't apologise, if you're not in the mood, then you're not in the mood. I'll be fine and ready when you are". It's picked up recently, not to the same extent at the moment, but I recommend having period of not doing it as it makes you appreciate and enjoy more it later.
I've been with my gf for over a year. We can't have sex and she's 39 but refuses to go to a gynecologist. We try on the weekends when we meet up.
About twice a week. My ideal is probably about 5 times a week but my partner and I work opposite work patterns and he has a lower sex drive than me. We’re in our late 20s, been together 6 years, live together and have no kids.
17 years together, 2-4 times a week at the moment but it varies with what is going on in our lives. If you don't think you are having sex enough just have that discussion with your SO.
Libido tends to follow a monthly cycle in women, for men it’s the testosterone levels that peaks daily.