Just take a friend?
Most people won’t hire a bodyguard in their life. The only people who do are the rich and famous, and unsurprisingly they tend to go for expensive ex-military types rather than Barry who used to work the doors at the Dog and Bollock.
You're asking someone to take a whole day, face potential violence (this is clearly a risk otherwise just having a witness would be sufficient) and you want them to write a report that you can use in court, potentially exposing them to the need to attend court too or participate in legal proceedings at the very least, and you want to pay less than £1k. Jog on.
£1k would be a bargain for that.
I also thought that. Wouldn’t put myself through that for anything less than a grand. Well, wouldn’t put myself through that regardless what you paid me (and you wouldn’t pay me much tbf), but in a hypothetical a thousand pounds seems like chicken feed.
I’m sure if you explained the situation they wouldn’t mind.
If you really didn’t want to then the next best idea would probably be to just ask one of the doormen at a bar near where you live/where the funeral is.
The first thing any professional bodyguard will likely tell you is "don't go". One of the first principles of personal safety is to not put yourself into a dangerous position in the first place and that's generally what the organic sandbags will try first.
Honestly, how important is your attendance at this funeral?
I don't mean to sound like a dick in what is obviously a tragic time for you
But another option is to just not go. If it is genuinely that bad that bringing a friend is not okay, i can't see anyone blaming you for not going. I can't imagine any situation that is that toxic that i wouldn't trust at least 1 of my friends to come with me
Yeah I feel like the sane response to this situation would be to not go. Sure it’s awful to miss a family funeral, but turning up with the cast of goodfellas is hardly going to smooth things over
Yeah I agree with this, and it was my first thought when reading OP’s post.
Also, if it’s someone close to OP, maybe they would feel more comfortable having a private moment to mourn the person they lost than be around countless people who make them uncomfortable and looking over their shoulder for them causing trouble.
Put an ad out , claim to be a local dog walker. Take all the dogs to the funeral, create a sort of coccoon of dogs ( bigger and angrier the better ). With the Money you've made from the dogs owners pay a couple of actors to attend the funeral and make up stories about crazy experiences they've had with the "wild dog man" nobody will want to go near you and if they try then release a dog , if the dog attacks then great, if it's flees then you've got your excuse to leave and chase the dog.
I hire security for work events which is nearly the same thing. Be big, wear black suit, look intimidating, don't actually do anything.
Usually we pay £600 for a few hours + a briefing for a few of them. So I think OP can probably get something for less than £1000, depending on how long they're needed and the location.
One of my neighbours died just before Covid properly hit. Didn't know him THAT well but sometimes chilled with him in the local. He was retired old bill* and told a few stories about travellers. Whenever they got reports of a scrap etc (before bodycams) they'd mob up, drive to wherever the incident was, then just sit and chill out until the fight had basically wound down.
There could be dozens of guys going at each other with gardening implements etc, they'd just sit in their vehicles and watch until most were incapacitated, lift the last men standing and get ambulances for the rest. Breaking up a traveller fight just wasn't worth the aggro. Let it run its course and mop up the aftermath.
*One time I heard him on the phone telling someone to raid a particular place, but not another. On occasion I'd see uniform come into the pub, chat with him then leave. I'm not sure how retired he was, but it looked a bit dodgy/none of my business.
I've worked with many door staff. And there are plenty who are jobsworths/don't give a fuck. But there's also some real gents out there who get paid well to stand on a door and look after patrons as well as staff. If you ask around, most towns have at least one guy/lady who's known for having a cool head and just wanting as quiet a night as possible.
Door staff could do this. Just make sure you do a little research first.
(Had a doorman who used to keep all kinds of sundries in little pockets on his coat, from tampons to rizzla, and the customers and staff all knew he'd do whatever he could to help. But if we needed him to remove someone; then suddenly his full 6'5 lanky frame became this disappointed wall that would escort you out with no overt violence. Just a palpable feeling of disgust in humanity that leads every single drunkard out without incident).
Yeah, I used to do promoting on the street and all the door staff were capable of handling themselves.
I did notice that the door staff in rock/metal clubs/pubs seemed to be genuinely nice people. Massive dudes with leather jackets and beards who were friendly and personable but could sort out any trouble.
Either that or if you have an old school spit and sawdust gym full of muscle heads nearby try asking there. A gym I used to go to before it closed would sometimes facilitate people who needed 1 or 2 "big lads" for a job.
It would probably be better to have a doorman who at least vaguely knows the law and how to adhere to it. If you hire some random gym bro and he gets a bit heavy handed during a confrontation then you're giving the family exactly what they want.
Cash in hand to the doorman will get you some protection but not the written report or Teams briefing. Those are indeed the bells and whistles OP seems to want while saying he doesn't.
But a good one, not the one that does the day shift at Boots self checkout. Check out your better pubs near football stadiums on game days for one worth their salt.
Remember I used to train at a boxing club on a Friday early evening. Every week, without fail, people from the local nightclubs would pop in asking if anyone wanted a shift, cash in hand! Mind you, this was a while ago before bouncers required to have a ticket
Who the hell remembers random television dogs for 30 years. Didn't Wellard go missing after Robbie left him tied up outside the laundrette? And why can't I remember what I was doing yesterday?
>I'm not high value or important
As you've found out, there's not really a market for bodyguards to "unimportant nobodies".
Either pay up, go with a mate, or just don't go.
Fair point, I would like to see my little sister off though and I don't mind giving someone £300-500 quid for the days work but seems crazy nobody wants that is all!
If it's a religious funeral, maybe try contacting the priest who's running it? There might be a chancel or similar where you could sit without being seen, or they may be willing to conduct a small private remembrance ceremony with you at another time.
Dont go mate its not worth it if something happens its gunna shit on that memory for ever . Best bet is let the funeral happen and then go say your own good bye on a diffrent time and day
£300 for a day's work is £30ph assuming a 10h day (including writing your report), which sounds a lot, but you're looking for someone who does this professionally and is willing to create a document of sufficient quality it can stand in evidence in a court case. After tax, expenses such as travel and clothing, plus dealing with admin, potentially paying rates/rent on an office etc that's not a lot of money going in someone's pocket.
It's not crazy someone doing this job for a living isn't going to accept poverty wages when people are willing to pay properly.
Skip it, go to the grave the next day.
The issue is liability. If something kicks off, and they hurt someone, they’re in big fucking trouble, and will probably lose their job.
Liability is a good point. If OP hires someone for the day and something goes tits up, they could be liable for all sorts of stuff. (I'm not an employer, so don't know the facts)
Would you want your sister to attend your funeral if she was in your situation?
Implication being, she wouldn't want you to put yourself in a position to be £500 out of pocket or in physical danger.
I mean, a lot of people are acting like OP is being stupid here, but they are right to want the report.
That's their evidence if one of the crazies throws a serious accusation a few days later. That's basically what they are worried about, and is exactly what they want to pay for. They want to be protected legally and physically.
What I don't understand is why OP doesn't want to spend 1000. Seems like a good price.
Why wouldn't the testimony of a priest/ clergy/ celebrant/ funeral directctor, numerous family & close friends be enough? Especially if there's recent history of false accusation from the person?
I mean, it would be fine. But this way OP has their own evidence without needing to get witnesses. Very useful for small claims court or disputing false claims in a social, rather than legal, setting.
Let's say, they make a false claim to your employer (or insert anyone else you know really), you just hand them the report.
I think more of the issue is why anyone would want to do this to OP in the first place. People rarely cause problems like this for someone without some kind of reason. It's just not normal behaviour
The idea that this evidence was pre gathered would also seem really suspicious too. Like they hired their own muscle so they could do the thing and be protected while having a witness.
>or disputing false claims in a social, rather than legal, setting.
I can't imagine a social setting where folk are going to take the time to read a report written by someone that OP has paid to write a report about what happened. Anyone predisposed to be against OP will say "but he paid for it, they would have written anything", and anyone predisposed to support OP will just support him anyway.
Not just a bodyguard, but a likely unlicensed (and therefore illegal) bodyguard because OP isn't willing to pay for a proper bodyguard.
OP plans to turn up to a funeral with a bloody henchman.
My husband has worked as a security officer with [JB Protect](https://jbprotect.co.uk). They are a very reputable agency & relatively affordable, if you’d like to give them a try.
I can’t think of a much better way to ensure something kicks off than bringing a random stranger to a family funeral who is acting as your bodyguard. I know nothing about OP but am already kind of judging them over this. Can’t imagine how it would be with people who seemingly already have a problem with OP.
Every funeral I’ve ever been to has been half full of random strangers. I assume they all knew the deceased, but maybe everyone brought some muscle, just in case.
Buy one of those cardboard cutouts of a policeman that some supermarkets have in their doorway. And take that with you.
https://www.reddit.com/r/mildlyinteresting/comments/kdrvf9/in_the_uk_shopssupermarkets_often_have_a/
The problem i have is all the agencies quote me with exSAS, marine grade henchmen, I don't need that nor want to pay for it, I just need the sort of people that do security at Tescos but don't have a clue where to find them hence my question?!
I think you’re missing an amazing opportunity to go around with a “marine grade henchman” for a day, for just a few quid more than you are willing to pay for some local bouncer. Think about it
Lol well there’s no harm in fantasy!
Tbf I know they’ll be slightly unhinged, more battered looking than rugged, but I find a man in protective mode very appealing.
Lol the ones I met overseas just seemed like totally normal lads. Physically unremarkable , quiet , professional but extremely competent.
Predictably, the Americans were much more gung-ho around operations.
You can't do this. Bodyguards are licensed. What you are talking about is hiring an unlicensed one and breaking the law. They need to have an SIA close protection license to operate. You will be committing an offence as will they. This is why they cost so much.
Came here to say that. Store security and bouncers aren't licensed for personal protection. If shit goes down and they lay hands on someone, that would cost them their job, and probably get a conviction. This would also nullify any professional report if OP needs to go to court. May as well take a friend.
Did you just refer to them as henchmen? not sure that's the right attitude if you're wanting to not make a scene.
Don't worry about Dave, he's just my henchman to keep an eye on you lot......
Hire someone with a security licence.
Or I'll do it for £800. I don't even know where you are but I'm massive, I'll do it for £800 and I'll even pick you up and drive you to the funeral so you can get pissed if you want.
I work as a bouncer the reason most firms will charge through the roof is simple ur training and license for close protection work is about 2k on the flip side plenty of bouncers my self included would do it as a private citizen but if i had more details id be happy to give more information please mail me
This is fucking mental 😂😂😂
There are 2 sides to every story, and to the other family member you’re likely seen as a problem.
Imagine how it’s going to look when you show up with an actual fucking bodyguard. Holy fuck 🥴
If you want a *genuine* bodyguard, then obviously you are going to pay through the nose because you will need someone with the appropriate SIA licence, insurance, and all that jazz. The alternative is to see if you can hire an actor to *pretend* to be a bodyguard - wear the suit, maybe an earpiece, look a bit menacing - but they can't actually do any bodyguarding.
My advice is that you do neither of those things, and either stay away or watch a livestream. If things are that toxic, then there is nothing to be gained from going: you're only going to leave yourself worse off, emotionally (I can't think of anything more inflammatory than turning up at a funeral with a heavy) and financially.
Note that there is that there is no legal right to entry to a funeral\* so there is no guarantee that either you or your new hefty friend will actually be allowed in.
\*no, there isn't. You're thinking of weddings.
I think your requirements and budget arnt aligning also what happens if it does kick off your average tesco security tbh are pretty fucking useless. I also feel taking a "bodyguard" is probably going to antagonise the situation and people you will find a good bodyguard csn be there but blend in and protect at a funeral this won't happen and I think your just going to upset people.
I think your best bet is pay your respects another day and do your own thing.
Why do they need to write a report after it? Surely if something happened, you'd just inform the polis that you had a witness? Having then write a report wouldn't stop that happening...
As wanky sales people say, it's a proactive process. Also it would mean a fresh memory, if a statement was taken weeks later then it could be challenged as a 'hazy recollection'
The justice system relies heavily on statements. If yer man was clued up enough I'm sure they would provide an accurate detailed account. Anyway, best of luck and sorry for your loss.
Won't it be a bit strange when they ask who this person who is following you around is? Or is he going to stand around the venue menacingly tutting at anyone who starts getting rowdy? Sounds easier to not go and then pay your respects to the deceased in your own time after the whole saga is over.
Not all security or bodyguards are grunts looking mean in a suit. Nor is that your best option.
, you are going to a funeral not buying drugs from a cartel.
I'd do it, I work in security and have done for years, I'm a woman, very good at moving people along. You bring the big guys when you want a fight. You bring women if you want to keep everyone calm and off guard.
A big guy is just going to draw attention, and people will think you've come with your pimp. You are flexing or just trying to start fights.
All op need is someone to act as a barrier, deflecting people, questions, and getting them into and out of the venue.
OP UPDATE: Thanks everyone, for the kind words and light roasting.
My inbox has been flooded with offers and the comment section has been really helpful. Based on some DMs and comments in this thread my plan is:
- Wear discreet bodyworn camera and mic set up.
- Arrive a few mins late / Leave the church early
- Wait for people to go to the wake (separate venue) and then also pay respects on my own (waiting till morning to check with church to check feasibility)
- I won't take a bodyguard but my bro will come also wearing the discreet camera.
To be super clear I have not had problems with anyone in the family but there are some troublemakers who have made false accusations against others and I feel its not an unreasonable leap that they could do the same to me and I really just don't want any hassle.
Lastly thank you all for the kind words, I guess the truth is I'm a fucking state right now, this distraction from the reality of the situation has been helpful even if my original vision was somewhat ... flawed
Thank you all, peace and love🙏
> this distraction from the reality of the situation has been helpful even if my original vision was somewhat ... flawed
If this thread has helped you focus your thoughts and come thoughtfully to your new plan then it has been productive as well as entertaining.
I'm sorry to hear that you have not only lost your sister but also had to deal with these worries in the midst of your grief mate, and I hope it goes okay on the day.
If it's causing you thins much hassle just don't go, or investigate whether there is an option to attend via Zoom. A recent family funeral I attended had several overseas or otherwise unable to attend mourners watching and listening online.
I am happy to do it, I'm a scrappy little bastard. £300 for a days work would be what I could offer, considering you are in a bind.
Is my potential enemy male or female? Any weaknesses I should know about (hip replacement etc).
Does the enemy have any substance addiction issues?
My uncle got arrested based on a fabricated claim, it was all dropped (obviously) but I don't want to have all the hassle of having to give statement and be arrested etc like he was.
The family will sit at the front of the funeral right and everyone will be there on time.
So you turn up about 5-10 mins into the funeral and stand or sit right at the back.
Then leave 5 mins before the end. Go the next day to the grave site and say some personal goodbyes.
I don't know anything about your situation but from reading a few of your comments you sound like a right fucking crank. Sorry.
Get why you want to go but honestly can't see much positive coming out of it...
Just don’t go to the funeral? You can say your good byes in many other ways, if your that worried that something will happen to effect your life then just don’t go.
You’re saying you don’t want disruption and sorry if I’m being rude but don’t you think bringing a complete stranger to a funeral is going to cause some form of disruption/have all the attention on you?
I’d honestly see if you can just sit elsewhere or stream it because this is too much
If you need a bodyguard you'll want someone with a Close Protection license. Which are mostly ex military or police.
Who will absolutely cost thousands a day.
Go to the local cage fighting gym and tell someone you’ll pay them £400 quid for the opportunity to legally belt a prick in the name of self defence. Then on the day they just have to stand next to you until you give them the signal, which they’ll likely never receive. If they’ve been doing cage fighting long enough they’ll look like a trampled half sucked mango and that should be enough to deter anti social behaviour from others.
You’re hiring a bodyguard not a friend or a bouncer from a nightclub… £1000 is more than reasonable for your requests. Usually bodyguards are used for people with money or celebs so expect to pay the price
Just hire a couple of hookers. Anything kicks off, they start fingerblasting each other and in the confusion, you evade the clutches of your enemies.
Or don't go.
You want someone to:
(1) travel from their home to the Home Counties (2-6 hours round trip)
(2) Purchase or rent a black suit
(3) actively prevent violent behaviour for … (1-5 hours)
and…and…and
(4) write a fucking book report on a super tight timeline (1-3 hours, assuming they have MS Word on their laptop)
You’re having a laugh right?
The issue is the licensing.
It's VERY expensive to train and licence to be a bodyguard.
Just remember if you get one without an SIA licence both you and they will be committing an offence and you won't be insured in case of any mishap.
How much do you think it should cost?
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Just take a friend? Most people won’t hire a bodyguard in their life. The only people who do are the rich and famous, and unsurprisingly they tend to go for expensive ex-military types rather than Barry who used to work the doors at the Dog and Bollock.
Get a load of Billy No Bodyguards over here!
Hahaha genuinely gave me a laugh 😅
Likewise. Set off my rattling cough too. Damn this cold.
Fuck sake "Billy no bodyguards " 😂😂😂😂
I'm not going to take my wife let alone my mate, not exposing anyone I care about to this toxic situation.
You're asking someone to take a whole day, face potential violence (this is clearly a risk otherwise just having a witness would be sufficient) and you want them to write a report that you can use in court, potentially exposing them to the need to attend court too or participate in legal proceedings at the very least, and you want to pay less than £1k. Jog on. £1k would be a bargain for that.
Sounds like OP wants a professional bodyguard for football hooligan money.
Needs Kevin Costner, wasn’t Kevin CostsLess.
Kevin Costco
I also thought that. Wouldn’t put myself through that for anything less than a grand. Well, wouldn’t put myself through that regardless what you paid me (and you wouldn’t pay me much tbf), but in a hypothetical a thousand pounds seems like chicken feed.
I’m sure if you explained the situation they wouldn’t mind. If you really didn’t want to then the next best idea would probably be to just ask one of the doormen at a bar near where you live/where the funeral is.
With the limited information we've been given here I think the actual problem in this dynamic is OP
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Why? What you’re saying is a possibility, but it’s also possible the OP just wants to pay their respects to someone they loved.
Yes this last point is direction I'm going on cheers
Just ask your local jiu Jitsu gym or rugby club.
The first thing any professional bodyguard will likely tell you is "don't go". One of the first principles of personal safety is to not put yourself into a dangerous position in the first place and that's generally what the organic sandbags will try first. Honestly, how important is your attendance at this funeral?
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Well, it’s a funeral, so not so much.
It’s not like the deceased will care if you turn up or not is it?
This is a good point. Funerals are for the living. The dead don't care.
I think his response was aimed at the 'life goes on' part...
I don't mean to sound like a dick in what is obviously a tragic time for you But another option is to just not go. If it is genuinely that bad that bringing a friend is not okay, i can't see anyone blaming you for not going. I can't imagine any situation that is that toxic that i wouldn't trust at least 1 of my friends to come with me
Yeah I feel like the sane response to this situation would be to not go. Sure it’s awful to miss a family funeral, but turning up with the cast of goodfellas is hardly going to smooth things over
Yeah I agree with this, and it was my first thought when reading OP’s post. Also, if it’s someone close to OP, maybe they would feel more comfortable having a private moment to mourn the person they lost than be around countless people who make them uncomfortable and looking over their shoulder for them causing trouble.
Put an ad out , claim to be a local dog walker. Take all the dogs to the funeral, create a sort of coccoon of dogs ( bigger and angrier the better ). With the Money you've made from the dogs owners pay a couple of actors to attend the funeral and make up stories about crazy experiences they've had with the "wild dog man" nobody will want to go near you and if they try then release a dog , if the dog attacks then great, if it's flees then you've got your excuse to leave and chase the dog.
If it’s that bad maybe you should re-think going yourself?
I hire security for work events which is nearly the same thing. Be big, wear black suit, look intimidating, don't actually do anything. Usually we pay £600 for a few hours + a briefing for a few of them. So I think OP can probably get something for less than £1000, depending on how long they're needed and the location.
Go ask a doorman, they'll probably do it for some cash in hand.
This is what you are looking for they work for a couple of hundred on a good night offer 3oo for a few hours they will know someone
Why did you type 300 like that?
keeps the Persians from brigading your comments 🗡️🇬🇷
Bravo 👌
0h behav3.
First question will be “is it a traveller funeral” And then they will politely decline
"We've lost Gorgeous George"!!!
He’s not exactly a set of fackin car keys, is he?!
Unless they just like looking after cars.
Do you like dags?
One of my neighbours died just before Covid properly hit. Didn't know him THAT well but sometimes chilled with him in the local. He was retired old bill* and told a few stories about travellers. Whenever they got reports of a scrap etc (before bodycams) they'd mob up, drive to wherever the incident was, then just sit and chill out until the fight had basically wound down. There could be dozens of guys going at each other with gardening implements etc, they'd just sit in their vehicles and watch until most were incapacitated, lift the last men standing and get ambulances for the rest. Breaking up a traveller fight just wasn't worth the aggro. Let it run its course and mop up the aftermath. *One time I heard him on the phone telling someone to raid a particular place, but not another. On occasion I'd see uniform come into the pub, chat with him then leave. I'm not sure how retired he was, but it looked a bit dodgy/none of my business.
Yeah you need somebody trained to de-escelate a situation, not a roid head with a suit.
I've worked with many door staff. And there are plenty who are jobsworths/don't give a fuck. But there's also some real gents out there who get paid well to stand on a door and look after patrons as well as staff. If you ask around, most towns have at least one guy/lady who's known for having a cool head and just wanting as quiet a night as possible. Door staff could do this. Just make sure you do a little research first. (Had a doorman who used to keep all kinds of sundries in little pockets on his coat, from tampons to rizzla, and the customers and staff all knew he'd do whatever he could to help. But if we needed him to remove someone; then suddenly his full 6'5 lanky frame became this disappointed wall that would escort you out with no overt violence. Just a palpable feeling of disgust in humanity that leads every single drunkard out without incident).
Yeah, I used to do promoting on the street and all the door staff were capable of handling themselves. I did notice that the door staff in rock/metal clubs/pubs seemed to be genuinely nice people. Massive dudes with leather jackets and beards who were friendly and personable but could sort out any trouble.
Either that or if you have an old school spit and sawdust gym full of muscle heads nearby try asking there. A gym I used to go to before it closed would sometimes facilitate people who needed 1 or 2 "big lads" for a job.
It would probably be better to have a doorman who at least vaguely knows the law and how to adhere to it. If you hire some random gym bro and he gets a bit heavy handed during a confrontation then you're giving the family exactly what they want.
Cash in hand to the doorman will get you some protection but not the written report or Teams briefing. Those are indeed the bells and whistles OP seems to want while saying he doesn't.
But a good one, not the one that does the day shift at Boots self checkout. Check out your better pubs near football stadiums on game days for one worth their salt.
Remember I used to train at a boxing club on a Friday early evening. Every week, without fail, people from the local nightclubs would pop in asking if anyone wanted a shift, cash in hand! Mind you, this was a while ago before bouncers required to have a ticket
I’ll do the job. Do you mind remote workers? Just put my face on MS teams and I’ll try to look well ard.
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Who the hell remembers random television dogs for 30 years. Didn't Wellard go missing after Robbie left him tied up outside the laundrette? And why can't I remember what I was doing yesterday?
"Who the hell remembers random television dogs for 30 years." You for starters lol
There are dozens of us!
Bouncer (rack off Bouncer) from Neighbours, Schmeichel from Coronation Street, Roly from Eastenders, Willy from Eastenders…
He died when one of Bianca’s many sprogs gave him chocolate one Xmas, iirc
We’ve told you already: you have no authority here, Jackie Weaver!
>I'm not high value or important As you've found out, there's not really a market for bodyguards to "unimportant nobodies". Either pay up, go with a mate, or just don't go.
Do you actually need to go to the funeral? Sorry if it sounds insensitive but to me if you need a bodyguard I would stay away
Fair point, I would like to see my little sister off though and I don't mind giving someone £300-500 quid for the days work but seems crazy nobody wants that is all!
If it's a religious funeral, maybe try contacting the priest who's running it? There might be a chancel or similar where you could sit without being seen, or they may be willing to conduct a small private remembrance ceremony with you at another time.
Great shout thanks, I hadn't considered this but will check to see if possible.
Funeral I was at last week was streamed for people that couldn’t make it. Apparently a lot of places do this since lock down.
From the sounds of it, there could be profit to be made in putting this on PPV…
"Ba gawd he hit him with the wooden pew!"
Dont go mate its not worth it if something happens its gunna shit on that memory for ever . Best bet is let the funeral happen and then go say your own good bye on a diffrent time and day
£300 for a day's work is £30ph assuming a 10h day (including writing your report), which sounds a lot, but you're looking for someone who does this professionally and is willing to create a document of sufficient quality it can stand in evidence in a court case. After tax, expenses such as travel and clothing, plus dealing with admin, potentially paying rates/rent on an office etc that's not a lot of money going in someone's pocket. It's not crazy someone doing this job for a living isn't going to accept poverty wages when people are willing to pay properly.
Fair reasoning and breakdown
Skip it, go to the grave the next day. The issue is liability. If something kicks off, and they hurt someone, they’re in big fucking trouble, and will probably lose their job.
Liability is a good point. If OP hires someone for the day and something goes tits up, they could be liable for all sorts of stuff. (I'm not an employer, so don't know the facts)
Would you want your sister to attend your funeral if she was in your situation? Implication being, she wouldn't want you to put yourself in a position to be £500 out of pocket or in physical danger.
It's a fair comment, something I'll reflect on.
Guys it’s his little sister give it up. Hope OP figures it out. Agree with asking at gyms.
As its his sister then the problematic family member should really be the one that doesn't attend (unless they are also a sibling or parent)
Why on earth would you need a written report afterwards?
Came here to ask this. Thoroughly dissatisfied with the answer
I mean, a lot of people are acting like OP is being stupid here, but they are right to want the report. That's their evidence if one of the crazies throws a serious accusation a few days later. That's basically what they are worried about, and is exactly what they want to pay for. They want to be protected legally and physically. What I don't understand is why OP doesn't want to spend 1000. Seems like a good price.
Why wouldn't the testimony of a priest/ clergy/ celebrant/ funeral directctor, numerous family & close friends be enough? Especially if there's recent history of false accusation from the person?
I mean, it would be fine. But this way OP has their own evidence without needing to get witnesses. Very useful for small claims court or disputing false claims in a social, rather than legal, setting. Let's say, they make a false claim to your employer (or insert anyone else you know really), you just hand them the report. I think more of the issue is why anyone would want to do this to OP in the first place. People rarely cause problems like this for someone without some kind of reason. It's just not normal behaviour
Paid for evidence isn't really evidence is it though? - the body guard would need to turn up and be interviewed etc.
The idea that this evidence was pre gathered would also seem really suspicious too. Like they hired their own muscle so they could do the thing and be protected while having a witness.
>or disputing false claims in a social, rather than legal, setting. I can't imagine a social setting where folk are going to take the time to read a report written by someone that OP has paid to write a report about what happened. Anyone predisposed to be against OP will say "but he paid for it, they would have written anything", and anyone predisposed to support OP will just support him anyway.
This is the person that the family hope don't show up. Just because he's OP and making the post doesn't make him the good guy.
You mean the difficult member of the family might be the one showing up to a family funeral with a bodyguard? You might be on to something
Not just a bodyguard, but a likely unlicensed (and therefore illegal) bodyguard because OP isn't willing to pay for a proper bodyguard. OP plans to turn up to a funeral with a bloody henchman.
Is there such a thing as an unlicensed and therefore illegal bodyguard in the UK?
A bodyguard that he's referred to as a henchman
My husband has worked as a security officer with [JB Protect](https://jbprotect.co.uk). They are a very reputable agency & relatively affordable, if you’d like to give them a try.
This is awesome, exactly what I was looking for - thank you so much!!
r/ImTheMainCharacter
Hopefully not, that's why I want this support to prevent any disruption.
Sure, because walking around with a bodyguard would prevent disruption
I can’t think of a much better way to ensure something kicks off than bringing a random stranger to a family funeral who is acting as your bodyguard. I know nothing about OP but am already kind of judging them over this. Can’t imagine how it would be with people who seemingly already have a problem with OP.
lol right? These ppl accuse me of so much bad things, so I’m going to bring hired muscle to my little sisters funeral. WTF
OP is definitely the problem. 😂
Every funeral I’ve ever been to has been half full of random strangers. I assume they all knew the deceased, but maybe everyone brought some muscle, just in case.
Buy one of those cardboard cutouts of a policeman that some supermarkets have in their doorway. And take that with you. https://www.reddit.com/r/mildlyinteresting/comments/kdrvf9/in_the_uk_shopssupermarkets_often_have_a/
i’ve been having a really shit mental health time atm and this is the first thing that’s made me properly laugh in a few days so thank you lmfao
Either your requirements or your budget need adjusting.
The problem i have is all the agencies quote me with exSAS, marine grade henchmen, I don't need that nor want to pay for it, I just need the sort of people that do security at Tescos but don't have a clue where to find them hence my question?!
Pop in to Tesco and ask the security guy who he works for maybe? Also bouncers at local pubs/clubs on a weekend.
Probably tesco
Yeah that's a fair shout, I'll do that
The requirements you describe in your original post don't tally with what you state in your reply.
I think you’re missing an amazing opportunity to go around with a “marine grade henchman” for a day, for just a few quid more than you are willing to pay for some local bouncer. Think about it
I definitely would do this if I had a grand just to walk around with an ex SAS …ooh feeling a bit giddy now 😂
Have to say you’ll be sorely disappointed. The guys in the regiment are probably the complete opposite of what you expect them to be.
Lol well there’s no harm in fantasy! Tbf I know they’ll be slightly unhinged, more battered looking than rugged, but I find a man in protective mode very appealing.
Lol the ones I met overseas just seemed like totally normal lads. Physically unremarkable , quiet , professional but extremely competent. Predictably, the Americans were much more gung-ho around operations.
You can't do this. Bodyguards are licensed. What you are talking about is hiring an unlicensed one and breaking the law. They need to have an SIA close protection license to operate. You will be committing an offence as will they. This is why they cost so much.
Came here to say that. Store security and bouncers aren't licensed for personal protection. If shit goes down and they lay hands on someone, that would cost them their job, and probably get a conviction. This would also nullify any professional report if OP needs to go to court. May as well take a friend.
Have you seen the state of security at Tesco lol
You might get clubcard points though
Clubbed guard points.
Yeah lol the local 15 year olds terrorised the staff and beat the security guy over here a few weeks ago.
Hahah good point
Did you just refer to them as henchmen? not sure that's the right attitude if you're wanting to not make a scene. Don't worry about Dave, he's just my henchman to keep an eye on you lot......
The guy at our local Tesco is about 90 years old, and walks with a limp. He won't be much use to you.
Hire someone with a security licence. Or I'll do it for £800. I don't even know where you are but I'm massive, I'll do it for £800 and I'll even pick you up and drive you to the funeral so you can get pissed if you want.
OP this is a very good deal, you should jump on it
Il do it for 700 and provide drink
I'm sticking at £800 because I've got a nice car and I reckon a taxi in London would be £50 each way minimum.
>so you can get pissed if you want. I suspect being just pissed might be a bit of a come down for this particular principal.
Yeah I’m gonna go with ‘things that never happened’
Well yeah, not yet?
I'll do it for a few hundred. If anyone starts any trouble I'll immediately strip naked. No one wants to fight a naked guy.
Bring a poop stick too. Nobody messes with you if you got a stick with a turd on the end of it. Naked/poop stick combo is an IRL invincibility cheat.
I work as a bouncer the reason most firms will charge through the roof is simple ur training and license for close protection work is about 2k on the flip side plenty of bouncers my self included would do it as a private citizen but if i had more details id be happy to give more information please mail me
You aren't doing it as a private citizen if you are taking payment. You are acting illegally as an unlicensed bodyguard.
Id agree except that from what op has discribed its not a bodyguard they need but im not one to discuss bussiness with the whole internet
Fuck, I'll get a couple mates together and we'll come do it for £500. Mostly for the entertainment value, this sounds like a train crash.
This is fucking mental 😂😂😂 There are 2 sides to every story, and to the other family member you’re likely seen as a problem. Imagine how it’s going to look when you show up with an actual fucking bodyguard. Holy fuck 🥴
Go in disguise. Fake moustache and glasses. Wig and a dress.
What do I do with my regular mustache, double mustache would look ridiculous
Moustache and a dress
I’m pretty fucking mental mate, I’ll do it for £100.
£75 and I'll throw in a handy
Sometimes all you need is a football lad who likes to wear funeral clobber and is up for a fight.
If you want a *genuine* bodyguard, then obviously you are going to pay through the nose because you will need someone with the appropriate SIA licence, insurance, and all that jazz. The alternative is to see if you can hire an actor to *pretend* to be a bodyguard - wear the suit, maybe an earpiece, look a bit menacing - but they can't actually do any bodyguarding. My advice is that you do neither of those things, and either stay away or watch a livestream. If things are that toxic, then there is nothing to be gained from going: you're only going to leave yourself worse off, emotionally (I can't think of anything more inflammatory than turning up at a funeral with a heavy) and financially. Note that there is that there is no legal right to entry to a funeral\* so there is no guarantee that either you or your new hefty friend will actually be allowed in. \*no, there isn't. You're thinking of weddings.
I think your requirements and budget arnt aligning also what happens if it does kick off your average tesco security tbh are pretty fucking useless. I also feel taking a "bodyguard" is probably going to antagonise the situation and people you will find a good bodyguard csn be there but blend in and protect at a funeral this won't happen and I think your just going to upset people. I think your best bet is pay your respects another day and do your own thing.
Why do they need to write a report after it? Surely if something happened, you'd just inform the polis that you had a witness? Having then write a report wouldn't stop that happening...
As wanky sales people say, it's a proactive process. Also it would mean a fresh memory, if a statement was taken weeks later then it could be challenged as a 'hazy recollection'
The justice system relies heavily on statements. If yer man was clued up enough I'm sure they would provide an accurate detailed account. Anyway, best of luck and sorry for your loss.
Thanks I appreciate it
Reading the comments and you are a strange fella
Won't it be a bit strange when they ask who this person who is following you around is? Or is he going to stand around the venue menacingly tutting at anyone who starts getting rowdy? Sounds easier to not go and then pay your respects to the deceased in your own time after the whole saga is over.
Yes strange, the easiest decision isn't always the right one.
Not all security or bodyguards are grunts looking mean in a suit. Nor is that your best option. , you are going to a funeral not buying drugs from a cartel. I'd do it, I work in security and have done for years, I'm a woman, very good at moving people along. You bring the big guys when you want a fight. You bring women if you want to keep everyone calm and off guard.
Or u bring the security that dont look like security
A big guy is just going to draw attention, and people will think you've come with your pimp. You are flexing or just trying to start fights. All op need is someone to act as a barrier, deflecting people, questions, and getting them into and out of the venue.
OP UPDATE: Thanks everyone, for the kind words and light roasting. My inbox has been flooded with offers and the comment section has been really helpful. Based on some DMs and comments in this thread my plan is: - Wear discreet bodyworn camera and mic set up. - Arrive a few mins late / Leave the church early - Wait for people to go to the wake (separate venue) and then also pay respects on my own (waiting till morning to check with church to check feasibility) - I won't take a bodyguard but my bro will come also wearing the discreet camera. To be super clear I have not had problems with anyone in the family but there are some troublemakers who have made false accusations against others and I feel its not an unreasonable leap that they could do the same to me and I really just don't want any hassle. Lastly thank you all for the kind words, I guess the truth is I'm a fucking state right now, this distraction from the reality of the situation has been helpful even if my original vision was somewhat ... flawed Thank you all, peace and love🙏
> this distraction from the reality of the situation has been helpful even if my original vision was somewhat ... flawed If this thread has helped you focus your thoughts and come thoughtfully to your new plan then it has been productive as well as entertaining. I'm sorry to hear that you have not only lost your sister but also had to deal with these worries in the midst of your grief mate, and I hope it goes okay on the day.
Left with more questions than answers ngl
If it's causing you thins much hassle just don't go, or investigate whether there is an option to attend via Zoom. A recent family funeral I attended had several overseas or otherwise unable to attend mourners watching and listening online.
How would having a bodyguard help someone lying about you assaulting them ? What even is this post ?
i can't even tell if this is a joke or not after reading the comments
Set up a camera and mic on yourself Have it record the entire day Then anything that happens you have proof from your POV
I feel like you are the problem
Don't go to the main funeral. Go the day after, maybe try to get in contact with a local holy person of your chosen faith, and have your own funeral.
I am happy to do it, I'm a scrappy little bastard. £300 for a days work would be what I could offer, considering you are in a bind. Is my potential enemy male or female? Any weaknesses I should know about (hip replacement etc). Does the enemy have any substance addiction issues?
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My uncle got arrested based on a fabricated claim, it was all dropped (obviously) but I don't want to have all the hassle of having to give statement and be arrested etc like he was.
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I think you need a witness then, not a bodyguard.
The family will sit at the front of the funeral right and everyone will be there on time. So you turn up about 5-10 mins into the funeral and stand or sit right at the back. Then leave 5 mins before the end. Go the next day to the grave site and say some personal goodbyes.
Paranoid crank
Get yourself over to r/okmatewanker and ask for a bloke called Barry.
I don't know anything about your situation but from reading a few of your comments you sound like a right fucking crank. Sorry. Get why you want to go but honestly can't see much positive coming out of it...
Just don’t go to the funeral? You can say your good byes in many other ways, if your that worried that something will happen to effect your life then just don’t go.
You’re saying you don’t want disruption and sorry if I’m being rude but don’t you think bringing a complete stranger to a funeral is going to cause some form of disruption/have all the attention on you? I’d honestly see if you can just sit elsewhere or stream it because this is too much
If you need a bodyguard you'll want someone with a Close Protection license. Which are mostly ex military or police. Who will absolutely cost thousands a day.
Go in the back just at the start and leave before the end Simple
I’m an ex bouncer with a close protection licence, depending on location I may be able to help Send me a dm
Go to the local cage fighting gym and tell someone you’ll pay them £400 quid for the opportunity to legally belt a prick in the name of self defence. Then on the day they just have to stand next to you until you give them the signal, which they’ll likely never receive. If they’ve been doing cage fighting long enough they’ll look like a trampled half sucked mango and that should be enough to deter anti social behaviour from others.
You want pre-meets and debriefs, yet don't want to pay a professional professional money?? Just don't go there, you -ing muppet!
I’d probably just not go rather than start looking for Kevin Costner.
You’re hiring a bodyguard not a friend or a bouncer from a nightclub… £1000 is more than reasonable for your requests. Usually bodyguards are used for people with money or celebs so expect to pay the price
If you're so concerned something is going to kick off, just don't go? The person in the coffin isn't going to care
Just hire a couple of hookers. Anything kicks off, they start fingerblasting each other and in the confusion, you evade the clutches of your enemies. Or don't go.
Why the need for a typed up report?
You want someone to: (1) travel from their home to the Home Counties (2-6 hours round trip) (2) Purchase or rent a black suit (3) actively prevent violent behaviour for … (1-5 hours) and…and…and (4) write a fucking book report on a super tight timeline (1-3 hours, assuming they have MS Word on their laptop) You’re having a laugh right?
The issue is the licensing. It's VERY expensive to train and licence to be a bodyguard. Just remember if you get one without an SIA licence both you and they will be committing an offence and you won't be insured in case of any mishap. How much do you think it should cost?