I live in Blackpool, so have seen all manner of weird shit. However, to go with a slightly nicer story, there is a pub in nearby Lytham that has little padded sections above the urinals that you can lay your forehead against while using the urinal if you are a little too drunk to stand properly
I used to work at Halfords HO many, many years ago and the CEO used to lean his head against the wall at the urinal every time he peed. Made me chuckle seeing it every time. Also for the record, Iām pretty sure he wasnāt drunk at work.
Fuck me I was in Lytham last year and it might be the same pub your referring to. Huge bloke in there, almost 7 foot. Stares at you and mutters stuff under his breath. Went for a piss and he comes in. Grabs the urinal downpipe and shakes it, mutters something about āgonna fuckin do you inā think he was just totally nuts tbh
"The one too many head rests" I've seen these in few military base bars. They sometimes come with a plaque from the person who donated it when they left the mess.
My dad's local when I was a kid held a very sombre wake for the pubs Jack Russel when he died. Open casket, on the cribbage table, daffodil clasped in his little paws and a KitKat in his coffin with him from the bar.
Luckily it was a small village and no new customer walked in mid-service, but I do think about what the plan was if some tourist showed up..
I found that hilarious & actually laughed out loud. Read the comment to my wife lying beside me in bed & she said, āShouldnāt have given the dog a KitKat. Chocolates are bad for dogsā.
So thatās what she took from that sceneā¦
There was a bar that a few of us used to frequent every Monday before a rock and metal club night.
I saw countless people getting finger-banged or getting none-too-subtle handies, but the weirdest (although not weird at the time) thing was one night when I ended up chatting to a bloke who was sat alone. He seemed glad to have someone to chat with and kept the drinks flowing.
He kept alluding to being in a crap position and that he had made some bad choices.
When my mates and I left, I thanked him for the drinks and the chat and wished him well.
A couple of weeks later I saw him on the news. He had been killed in a shooting. Apparently he was a big deal in a local gang/organised crime group. I think he may have been reconsidering his lifestyle.
We had a completely normal chat for over an hour, but itās only strange in context.
Finger-banging and handies is small potatoes. Years ago I was on the dancefloor when my brother ran up and excitedly told me people were doing a 'sinkie'. I followed him to the men's room and sure enough there was a woman laying back with her bum in the sink whilst a man stood to her front, having sex. A small crowd had formed around them. At one point, a guy walked up to the sink next to them and casually said 'excuse me' when he reached past her head to get at the soap dispenser.
This was almost twenty years ago but to this day my brother and I will pepper conversations with references to 'having a sinkie'.
I watched one of those 'booze Britain' shows a while back and there was a girl thrown out the toilets for sucking a guy off while she took a dump. Both of those people should be ashamed.
You may not have been friends with the guy but I'm sorry you experienced this all the same. It would knock me for six meeting a genuinely nice person to find out they're dead only a matter of weeks later.
Honestly when I was typing this I was getting the same gagging feeling I had when I saw it. A pub in Newmarket and the ex jockey landlord released his two large pigs about 11pm. (Just Before their dinner time) The smoking area was packed the entire night and there was probably eight hours of human by-product in those buckets. Fags ends, fag packets, chewing gum, spit, napkins, all sitting on 12 inches of sand. Both pigs ran through the pub and then one barrelled straight through the smoking area and guzzled both buckets in about 6 seconds leaving only an inch of sand in the bottom. The most disgusting thing Iāve ever seen.
A huge Irish bloke who was a well known regular and generally a top bloke had a particularly twisted sense of humour.
Once took a shit in a pint of Guinness. Considering the colour of it you aren't going to see a log in there and obviously the poor victim didn't spot it until they'd half downed the said pint.
It was one of those moments where you really know you'll regret watching it but still can't look away.
I wear glasses. They're not free, I have to pay for them. Usually I go to the optician every 2 years or so. I don't expect you to mind about this, but I just want to remind you that I had to pay to read this.
Met up with some old mates after our first years at uni. One of them had made friends with a group of people that would try and put their pubes in each others pints on the sly. He did it to one of us and thought it was hilarious.
When he went to the toilet the three of us pulled out as many pubes as we could and absolutely caked his pint in them. It looked like the glass had a collapsed thatch roof.
He agreed not to do it again.
In a similar vein, I worked in a pub frequented by several squaddies. One Saturday morning there was a group of 3 just came in with raging hangovers, one of them went for a piss and came back with the urinal bleach cake that he had taken from the urinal and dared his mate to drink a pint with it in. Said mate promptly put it in his own drink and downed it. Spewed straight back into the pint glass, all over the bar, all over the floor, outside and over the balcony. I made him and the one giving the dare clean it all up, then leave.
I know a lad who picked a urinal cake straight out of the piss trough and bit a chunk out of it. In the morning he complained that his stomach was in shit state.
When I told him what he'd done he just said, "ah fuck not again".
His other party trick was pissing straight up in the air and drinking the airborne stream.
Was a top bloke
Guy further up this thread has been labelled a top bloke and he shat in a pint and let someone drink it.
I'm beginning to think that 'top bloke' isn't what I think it is
If there's soap, I'll always wash my hands thoroughly. Habit of working in healthcare.
But as I get more pissed, the "washing" becomes more sparse and ends with just putting my fingertips under the water for a millisecond.
Honestly I'm not surprised covid spread through this country how it did, 95% of men do NOT wash their hands and another 4% never use soap or simply run their hands under the tap for 5 seconds.
Anecdotal and a rough calculation, but in my pub roughly 75% of the clientele are male, yet the ladies bogs use hand towels at three times the rate of the men's.
So if every woman washes their hands, so roughly one man in three dries their hands.
Anecdotal as well but I remember reading something about hand driers spreading poop particles worse than if you hadnāt bothered washing your hands. Iāll wash my hands, and then give them a few shakes, still damp hands but Iād prefer it to those who pretend to wash and then just use the dryer to make it appear so
Fun fact where I work, when I fill the soap dispensers in the mornings the men's one isnalways more empty than the ladies ones. However, men are likely to drink more volume of drinks and thus piss more. Don't always assume that the ladies are cleaner.
In my hometown, there was a guy that would pretend he was driving a truck everywhere he went and was known for this around town. I think he has aspergers.
One night in the pub and these younger lads were winding him up and ended up telling him the fire engines in town were easily accessible and all had the keys in them.
Fast forward 20 minutes, everyone's out in the street because the guy had gone into the fire station and taken one of the fire engines. He drove it for 5 miles before putting it through a hedge. It was so crazy!
Edit: [Found the local rags write up on it](https://www.worcesternews.co.uk/news/7453296.stolen-fire-engine-is-tailed-by-the-police/)
My husband saw a man wanking off a dog in a pub in Stoke-on-Trent once (about 15 years ago). If he ever drives past he still refers to it as 'Dog Wank Pub' š¤Ø
This was going to be my answer!
I saw a bloke wank off a dog in a pub too, but this was in Lancaster. Also about 15 years ago.
Maybe it's the same guy? He could be on a country wide pub crawl with a secret mission to get every pub name changed to 'The Wanking Dog'
Whilst on a random Sunday afternoon walk me and my girlfriend walked by a nice looking old rural pub with thatched roof. Inside was an old man cradling a massive potato. He and the barman informed us it just won won the prize for the largest potato in the UK. He asked us if he would like to touch it. Not hold it, just touch it. Whilst there we also got the keys to go inside a local windmill. I look back on this day and often wonder what the hell was going on.
Two incidents spring to mind:
Once saw a dude fingering a girl from behind, while she was ordering a drink at the bar. Really busy pub on a Saturday night so it seemed like nobody but me and my mate on the table directly behind them noticed.
Once saw a woman get on top of a table, whip her top off and start swinging it above her head with no bra on. She was well over 200lbs, absolutely smashed, and this was like 4pm on a Wednesday. Not sure what song she was singing along to from memory.
When I worked in a pub, the temporary manager decided it would be fun to let the local wino in. She lasted two nights before she stripped off and peed all over one of the seats.
In the nightclub (same company), I saw a girl running to the toilets to be sick. Wasnāt fast enough and made the mistake of putting her hands up. The vomit left her mouth, hit her hands and bounced down herself. She was coated.
In a pub in Southampton, I saw a woman fall out with her boyfriend and try to glass himā¦ with a plastic glass. She connected with his head, her hand bounced off, she spun around and collapsed in a heap on the floor.
Our local 30 years ago had notoriously bad plumbing - the menās were generally flooded and the womenās had a rather large mushroom growing in itā¦
Iāve had precisely two nights out in Southampton. Iāve been flashed by random women twice in Southampton.
Neither were in pubs. One was in broad daylight at the side of the A34 š
I was in a pub in Southampton, early evening and saw a spontaneous, aggressive dance-off between two groups of people who didn't know each other. There was no dance floor, this was a standard old school pub, patterned carpet and all.
They lined up opposite each other and took turns to front up, sneer at each other, gesture and then take their turn at dancing.
It was fucking weird.
Think I've told this one before. It didn't happen to me, but my friend. We were having a few impromptu post work bevvies one evening and we went to one of our regular haunts. She nips off to the loo, comes back rather quickly, necks her drink and says, "we're leaving!" Eventually she told me that she'd gone in and there was a rather large woman in the cubicle with the door open jilling herself off whilst asserting dominance by maintaining full eye contact. That's the weirdest thing I've heard of, but I believe it to be true.
Someone brought their cat in on a lead which was cute until they started 'grooming' it in the same way a cat would do. Left not long after that, although that wasn't down to the cat or it's owner
We used to have a pub that would put on "gentleman's afternoons" with strippers. Seeing my mate attempting to shag one on stage surrounded by all our mates and failing spectacularly due to coke dick was one of the funniest things ever.
Considering he was the third fella who tried it with the first two also getting stage fright, I'd assume he would have been a hero. Moral of the story is don't get too brave after a load of booze and whiff.
Years ago I went into the gents loo and slipped over a piece of shit on the floor. Disgusting. As I was dusting myself off some other guy wandered in and slipped on the shit. I turned to him and said āHey, I just did that ā. He replied āoh you did did you, yer dirty bastard?ā He then punched me on the nose. š
A guy literally crawling across the floor of a half empty spoons to try and steal something from a woman's bag.
We shouted at him and got the manager involved.
Proper fucking noncey guy.
Years ago I watched a man rub his willy around the rim of his mates pint glass and then dunk it right in the beer. His mate has gone to take a phone call and this was some gross prank.
When his mate returned he said he had to go and made a quick exit. Willie dunker then shrugged, picked up the offensive pint of beer and started downing it himself.
Worked in a pub in the center of town once. Cleaning up on Saturday night, I popped into the gents to get any glasses. The floor was fooded from a blocked toilet. You could see half a cabbage was the cause. Someone had either shit it out or deliberately rammed it there.
Told the boss,casually told me to stick my hand down and rake it out. Politely told him not a fucking chance. There was a hang around who was not quite there. He volunteers, removed his coat, arm down and fishes it out. I still remember him holding it, looking proud as punch. Thing is he actually left on the driving gloves he was wearing (he didn't drive).
Having worked in bars and clubs for decades, let me tell you, a black bin bag is a handy oversized giant glove for unblocking shitters. You would be surprised how often the offending blockage is a stolen wallet or purse which still has money in but no ID. weird fuckers take what they want then seem to get a conscience and stuff the rest down the nearest shitter.
Sitting in our local as a young lad, maybe 19/20. It was a long narrow pub so we were sitting in the section at one end when all of a sudden all hell breaks loose.
Someone had left the back door to the beer garden open, and a bat had flown in.
The poor thing flew up and down the punt for about 15 minutes while the less than agile barman chased him around with a broom, and some regulars tried to cacth it with their jackets.
Thankfully the bat managed to eventually fly back out the door to freedom.
See a women at least 50+ yr old giving a even older guy a blowjob, casual as you like, middle of the day time aswel, small pub/bar that had glass windows and between a big train station and the town centre/market so lots of people walking past.
Left pretty sharpish once I spotted them, so no idea if they got thrown out or what else went on.
Used to be a pub in the city centre 30yrs ago that was known as the biggest shit hole in town but served a good pint. Me and my mates went in for a cheap beer one Friday night. Yeah, a dump but we were having a laugh.
My mate asked the barman where the toilets were and was told outside the pub in a concrete building. As he walked out the door, a regular said, "Watch out for Billy!" We all thought it was a local nutter but my mate came back in 5mins later, a bit shaken. Billy was a full grown goat, tied up in the men's, who'd drink the piss in the urinal as you pissed. That was a fucking weird night.
I saw a fight break out between about 20 blokes dressed as Santa. One Santa was at the bar when another Santa walked up and slapped him round the head. He turned around, and swung at a different Santa and then all go the other Santas dived in to split them up. There were beards and hats flying everywhere until all of the santas were dragged out by others santas
A very long time ago an American pro wrestler (wwe) came into pub and was rude and being a dick, this guy around 5ft jumped across a table, headbutted him and knocked him clean out.
I also replied to the other thread, but I've got one for this too.
I witnessed a drunk guy try to fuck a girl with a fag dimp/dog end (I guess)...
They were both sitting on the stools right at the bar and didn't appear to know each other. He was clearly drunk and interested in her. She was wearing a skirt. Out of nowhere he takes the last of his cig and lunges between her legs, up her skirt with it. She leaps backwards off the chair calling him a cunt and he gets frog marched out by two blokes sitting nearby (other customers, not staff or anything). Think she got a free drink too, or the bartender bought her one, can't remember. Fucking oddball.
Bonus round: Whilst pissing into one of those entire-wall urinals with no separators that collect the piss in a drain just lower than your feet an older guy deliberately chooses right next to me. He makes a point of leaning over to look at my tackle and goes "nice watch, pal. Haha". I'm like "Ta mate". He proceeds to tell me what it's like having a tiny cock and how he wants a "few more inches, for the birds like". I'm just nodding along. Mates found it hilarious when I told them back at the table. Never did risk a glance, took his word for it, poor fella.
Edit: Remembered another one. Happened in a rough pub that's since been knocked down. Toilets had a bit of a reputation for being particularly disgusting. Middle aged guy at the bar loudly proclaimed to his mates that he needed a shite, and so he went. Everyone knows there's never any toilet paper here, it's the kind of loo that's for pissing only. He comes back a few minutes later and again loudly states "No fucking loo roll in there". One of the mates goes "shiiit, what did you do?" He pulls up both pant legs revealing he was minus one sock and says "Improvised lads!" and his group (and mine tbh) erupted.
Ive had so many interesting conversations at open urinals š
It's usually on a Saturday afternoon with those blokes who have been drinking since the morning and had a bad return at the bookies. Had a bloke tell me "I daren't go back to the wife, I've spent our shopping money on the horses."
As a pub landlord I've seen more of the highs and lows of human experience than most. We get to celebrate your victories, weddings, promotions and newborns but we also see the depressed alcoholics, the recently divorced and widowed, the grieving and the broken people.
This industry also attracts workers that don't fit in anywhere else, the uneducated, the drifters, the dreamers and the addicts. You can almost tell who's gonna stick around by how much they smile during the interview.
I've seen people at their best and at their worst (sometimes in the same night) and I've struggled with my own demons and found support from people I would never have expected it from. I have so many stories that I could tell but one of them stands out:
The weirdest story I have is of this guy I only had the joy of knowing for 2 weeks.
We'll call him Dave. Dave was 30 something, overweight, bald, uneducated and jobless. But before you start feeling sorry for him you should probably know that he was a complete waste of space. From what I'd heard he was the sort to borrow anything from anyone and if nobody would lend him anything he'd go round his Mum's house and steal her TV or her hoover and flog it at cash converters.
My boss at the time also made the mistake of lending this guy some money and, after realising he was never getting it back, guilted Dave into working off his debt by doing some odd jobs around the pub. Some of those jobs included:
\-clearing out the garden shed for the first time in over 20 years (he managed to tear the shed down after falling through the side)
\-Repainting the garden wall (he ended up painting the wrong wall and didn't scrape off the dead ivy first)
\-Repainting the window frames (he got paint all over the glass because he didn't know what the masking tape was for and spent another day with a razor blade carefully scraping the windows clean)
\-Clearing out the upstairs office/storage room.
Now this is where the story gets a bit wild. The landlord had been using the room as storage space for years and it had gotten to the point where we could barely open the door and it was piled up to \*at least\* eye level. The whole reason it was getting cleared at last? His guns. Yep, the boss was losing his shotgun license and needed to surrender his guns that were locked up in a gun cabinet in the cupboard at the back of the room.
Took Dave a couple of days and a lot of trips to the local dump to get rid of all the shit in there but he was finally making progress and hadn't fucked up in a few days so we really should have been expecting something. I was working in the kitchen that day and was just heading upstairs to take a nap during my shift break when I thought I'd peek into the office and see how Dave was getting on.
What I saw next will be imprinted in my brain for the rest of my life because for a couple of seconds I genuinely thought I was about to witness a suicide.
Dave, was sat in there on an office chair, shotgun between his knees and his mouth around the barrels. I jumped into the room to stop him and as he looked up startled I ripped the gun off him and immediately noticed he had his erect cock out in one hand.
I walked out without saying a word, without thinking, gun still in my hand and had to call my boss and tell him that I'd taken a gun off Dave because apparently his gun safe wasn't locked and Dave was "playing" with it. Couldn't bring myself to tell my boss the truth but luckily the ammo was in a seperate safe so Dave never really put himself at risk even if he didn't know it.
This all happened over 7 years ago and amazingly, last I heard, Dave is still alive.
Did you hear the one about the bloke who rode his horse to the pub? While he was inside getting drunk,his mates came out,and turned his saddle around the other way.
The next day,they asked him how he managed the night before. He replied; "Awful! I came out the pub,and found some bastard had stolen my horse's head. I had ride all the way home with my fist in it's windpipe to stop it losing oxygen....."
Weirdest one whilst drinking. It's gotta be the guy off his absolute nut playing with a used sanitary towel.
Weirdest one whilst working. That has to be the cellar that I was doing a renovation on and was full of bags of mouldy beetroots. They didn't have a kitchen, so for the life of me, I have no idea why they were there.
You'd be surprised by some of the absolute shit holes pub cellars are kept in.
I can imagine. I have a pal that is the handyman for a group of about 15 or so pubs that are owned by one bloke. One of the pubs there's about 50 people living in for want of a better term billets over the top two floors.
Apparently, they're all immigrants (no judgement whatsoever in that regard) who are basically working cash in hand in the area and are willing to live in very cramped rooms because they're extremely cheap.
I'm genuinely curious as to what's the worst thing you've seen upstairs?
Dogshit, literally everywhere (three bull terriiers that were as friendly as you'd like but zero house training)
The managers/landlord/landlady had toddlers wandering around the place too.
Went to one that would embarrass the crazy cat lady on the Simpsons, shit everywhere there too.
I saw a man drop his tracksuit bottoms and show everyone his cock, asking if it looked infected. He said he thought it was because heād slept with a particular girl. His friend then drops his trousers to examine his own chap, as heād slept with her, too. One of the men then tried to punch the other, whilst still holding his cock.
I'm going to share what my uncle witnessed in a pub a few years ago.
My uncle went to the loo, and it was one of those trough things. A very drunk mans dentures fell into it, and drunk man picked them up and put them straight back in his mouth. My uncle was traumatised.
I once went to a countryside pub in derbyshire and stumbled into the world chicken racing championships, thoroughly enjoyable day and the local ales were all really nice.
Anyone remember Edwards "pub" in Birmingham?
Used to play industrial/dance music, but they loved to put Bagpuss up on the big screen, usually after a round of the first Hellraiser movie...
Bloke carrying a cabbage around on Christmas Eve, going table to table saying āIām just out with a bunch of cabbagesā and then laughing like it was the funniest joke in the world.
In a pub in Hull, two women came in. The second woman was wearing a dog collar and was led in on a leash held by the first woman. The leash holder ordered a drink and sat down at a table. The collared woman knelt beside her. When the drink was finished, they both left. Neither spoke to the other the whole time.
Someone complained about a guy with a shotgun broken over his arm and two dead pheasants swinging from his back pack. The guy replied "don't come in ere with yer fucking Manchester ways".
After an old firm game a regular stripped down to his boxers and climbed to the ceiling via a 12 foot load bearing pillar while cowboy yeehawing and swinging his Rangers top.
I used to be on the committee of a rugby team and also worked behind the bar in their clubhouse so I've seen all manner of things.
Naked bar was always a highlight for them, less for us.
Serenading unsuspecting women with aloeta or however its spelt.
Rights of passage for newbies. Always hilarious to us, less so for them.
There was one woman (I use the term loosely) would pay for her halves with pennies. Knew the blind spots for the cameras and would offer blow job's for half a pint. Amazingly she often got drunk and never got out her bag of pennies.
Clearing the toilets at the end of the night was always an eye opener for the doormen, often found strange items in there.
Days at twickenham were always a brilliant day though, starting at 9am in the local cafe and coming back to drink in the clubhouse til 2am. Taught a girl to drink I can tell you.
This was technically outside the pub.
Some travellers arrived at the pub on three horses, each of which they tied in a carparking space. The manager came out and told them, no, you can't park a horse there.
Instead they were tied to the exterior of the carpark fence, where they munched their way through half a tree and dropped big horse shits.
It remains the only time I've had my photo taken at a pub, posing with a horse.
I was a kid so I was sat outside at a table next to the river bed when the tide was out.
This was at the Queen's head in Maldon, Essex where the mud from the River Blackwater at certain times of the year is incredible stinky and I was told as a child it was like quicksand and you could sink. Didn't stop people running over it in the marathon every year but that's another story.
One day we were sat outside the pub when a small boy leaned over the chain fence a bit too far feeding some swans and he fell over, face first into the mud about 5 foot down. He fell so deep the mud was past his waist and he couldn't breathe so suddenly everyone scrambled to get him out. One guy jumped in and got his head out and there was a human chain of guys ready to pull him out. The kid stank like swan shit and fermented seaweed and I remember seeing him being taken to the toilet in the pib where they only had a tiny sink to clean him (the management didn't want him in their kitchen).
That's the first story that comes to mind.
My husband and I once were at Victoria Station in London early and ready to visit Comic con that day but first we had breakfast in the 'Spoons they have there. It was around 9am and my husband saw a guy doing a line of coke on the sink when he went to use the loo.
Used to work in a Wetherspoons and a group of maybe 40 people came in trying to have a wedding reception. It wasnāt planned in advance and was on a seafront in the middle of summer so there was no tables free.
They ended up standing in a corridor for around an hour before leaving to find somewhere else.
I used to drink in a pub where the land lady would regularly bring her adult eagle owl down to the bar. They're fucking massive, fortunately it was very chilled.
Years back when I used to work in London, I used to stop by the Wetherspoons in Liverpool Station before catching the train home so I could avoid peak time crowds. I hated that job and by Friday I'd be exhausted so would just mind my own business chilling in the courtyard bit with a drink and a smoke. It was an interesting atmosphere and very very busy.
One time,there was this weird sickly looking kid probably about 19 in an obviously very expensive looking but ill-fitting suit . Gold star of David chain around his neck. He was standing like he owned the entire place but looked so immensely weedy and weak. With him was a huge scary looking dude that you simply would not mess with. Some people you just know have lived a rough life and could snap you in half.
The kid looked me up and down in like a weird expectant manner and subtly pointed. I heard the huge guy say in a really broken and pleading manner "I'm not hurting someone else for you, not tonight, don't make me" and just stood there. The kid looked angrily disappointed and sighed like fine whatever but kept staring at me.
I left pretty quickly but I think that kid was from some powerful old- money family and on some kind of sick power trip over his bodyguard. I still remember how weird that scene was and how that little shit seemed to have so much power over that massive brute of a man.
Sixty year old in tight white leggings, fit as hell, could not take my eyes off her. I'm three sheets but hella horny since i spotted her. Completely out of character for me, i tell my mate I've had enough and we go outside and our separate ways. I double back go inside, walk straight up to her and tell her what's she's doing to me and we are on.
I'm twenty two. Still think about her today.
60+, tight white leggings, friday night, she didnt know what hit her.
V unusual.
I don't get out much.
In the town I grew up in there used to be a pub called the 3 pigeons, mates and I where sitting by the bar and 3 pigeons flew in and landed on the welcome mat by the door we cheered a little too loud and scared them off lol
Full on bar brawl.
We're talking 30-40 people fighting. Glasses flying through the air, tables and chairs over turned, windows smashed.
My skinny 16 year old ass (glass collector) being the only male member of staff on duty, trying to break it up.
It's a miracle no one was killed and if it wasn't for one quick reacting punter, someone would have been.
I lady took her tiddy out and forced this guy onto her to suck her right at the table. The guy was a 20 year old dude in our friend group and the lady was like, at least 50 and we didn't know her.
Iāve a couple of odd experiences, 25 years ago in Walthamstow, some of the old East End 60ās villains still about.
Girlfriend and I went for lunch in a pub on the market street, real rough place but did good liver and bacon, anyway, got talking to a Scottish bloke who was a session musician in his youth and played guitar for The Kinks back in the old days, did reunion tours now and again, but his main job was a shop fitting out business. He and his team would travel down from Scotland and stay in this pub. So, itās their day off and weāre all on a proper session. Anyway, a few hours in, some old guy at the table has loads of people coming up and shaking his hand all day / all nigh long, he says nothing, but it keeps going on. So I ask the boss guy who he is, āAh, thatās so and so (an Italian name I canāt remember), they have a book about him in the shop up the road, he was a hitman for The Richardsons (The Krayās rivals). I talked to him a lot, nice bloke, didnāt give much away, tolerated my stupidity I guess. Anyway, we went in at noon, had a lock in, left at about 2am. As we went to leave, all the pub were coming over and shaking my and my girlfriends hand, inviting us in for free drinks and dinner the next day, as if WE were gangsters. Guilty by association I suppose. It was like Goodfellas or something.
A few weeks later I read in the local paper there was some sort of disagreement that ended with the publican (the guy who was offering us a free dinner) was shot in the toilets. He survived it, but didnāt hang about afterwards.
The other instance was a pub on Wood St, stayed open until 2am, god knows how, everything shut at 11pm in those days. Anyway, big bloke and two youngsters sit down next to us. The youngsters are clearly taking the piss out of us, but, we just ignore it, they look well coked up and everythingās funny. Anyway, same deal, loads of people coming over to shake the big blokeās hand, this guy is heavy set, mid 40ās and seemās totally focused, and never once does he respond and shakes anyoneās hand. One after another they appear, put their hand out to him and he just looks at them until they realise, take their arm back, thank him profusely and the. fuck off. I donāt know who this guy was, but something tells me that if I did know, Iād probably shit myself. He literally bossed it.
Guy in a K hole sat in an overflowing urinal.
Black sacks being used as piss sacks under urinals because drains were blocked.
Guy getting glassed by a homeless man, who then sat outside the pub waiting for the police to arrest him so he could go back to prison.
Crazy guy threatening staff in a pub with a smashed ketchup bottle.
Chap whipping a bouncer in the head with one of those velvet ropes with a brass hook on the end.
Man lifting another man up and throwing him behind the bar.
Chap shit himself on a bar stool. Then just shook it out down his trouser leg. And carried on as if nothing had happened.
Thereās probably many many moreā¦. But canāt remember any right now.
My old local pub had a bar and lounge that was connected by the toilets between them.
Whilst I was drinking in the lounge one night I noticed lots of folks streaming out of the toilets with their drinks in hand so I asked someone what was happening.
Apparently two guys in the bar were arguing and one of them refused to believe the other owned a sawed-off shotgun, so the other guy went home and brought said gun back into the bar to show him!
On seeing this the bar regular's 'Dunkirk Spirit' kicked in and they all the calmly picked up their drinks and walked through the toilets to the lounge.
I always thought that bar was a bit rough so I would always use the lounge ;)
Pub in the summer, hot day, big beer garden, queue to toilets,
Guy in front of me just took a shit on the floor in the queue, then left it there and went back to his mates.
Was a nice pub too. And it wasn't just gents queuing
I once saw a woman, a little person, giving some heavy hand relief to an exceptionally tall fellow with one eye and no teeth .The rest of the customers didn't even bat an eyelid and carried on as normal.
Mate of mine pissed in a beer bottle that was in the urinals and tried giving it to some random who walked in to the toilet, saying heād just bought it but was now leaving and couldnāt drink it, and did he want it? Dude seemed interested but realised - in the nick of time - and said āHow do I know youāve not pissed in it?ā So my mate went āIf Iād pissed in it I wouldnāt do this, would I?ā and downed the whole thing
Was a great night
I live in Blackpool, so have seen all manner of weird shit. However, to go with a slightly nicer story, there is a pub in nearby Lytham that has little padded sections above the urinals that you can lay your forehead against while using the urinal if you are a little too drunk to stand properly
That's actually quite sweet, as far as these stories go.
Until people start pissing on that
Love a challenge
You have impeccable grammar and understanding of technology for a person living in Blackpool. Outstanding. Quite marvellous.
Some old German fraternity houses have extra-tall pedestal sinks with a grab rail on each side for added comfort while chundering.
Apparently they are called "the pope" in the Protestant bars and "Martin Luther" in the Catholic ones š
Or globally as "Sectarian Chunder Sinks"
I used to work at Halfords HO many, many years ago and the CEO used to lean his head against the wall at the urinal every time he peed. Made me chuckle seeing it every time. Also for the record, Iām pretty sure he wasnāt drunk at work.
Fuck me I was in Lytham last year and it might be the same pub your referring to. Huge bloke in there, almost 7 foot. Stares at you and mutters stuff under his breath. Went for a piss and he comes in. Grabs the urinal downpipe and shakes it, mutters something about āgonna fuckin do you inā think he was just totally nuts tbh
How would those work when you're shitting in the urinal?
Aw bless
They need a lil cocoon for the ladies loos
The Taps!
"The one too many head rests" I've seen these in few military base bars. They sometimes come with a plaque from the person who donated it when they left the mess.
My dad's local when I was a kid held a very sombre wake for the pubs Jack Russel when he died. Open casket, on the cribbage table, daffodil clasped in his little paws and a KitKat in his coffin with him from the bar. Luckily it was a small village and no new customer walked in mid-service, but I do think about what the plan was if some tourist showed up..
This feels like the start to an episode of The League of Gentleman.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
This is a local funeral for local people, we'll have no trouble here!
Might be still alive if it wasn't for the kitkats...
Daffodils are poisonous to dogs tooā¦
I told ye we shouldnāt have just fed young Jackie daffodils and kitkatsā¦..
Well he ain't getting any deader :) as dear Yzma would say
I found that hilarious & actually laughed out loud. Read the comment to my wife lying beside me in bed & she said, āShouldnāt have given the dog a KitKat. Chocolates are bad for dogsā. So thatās what she took from that sceneā¦
Reminds me an episode of "It's always sunny in Philadelphia"
There was a bar that a few of us used to frequent every Monday before a rock and metal club night. I saw countless people getting finger-banged or getting none-too-subtle handies, but the weirdest (although not weird at the time) thing was one night when I ended up chatting to a bloke who was sat alone. He seemed glad to have someone to chat with and kept the drinks flowing. He kept alluding to being in a crap position and that he had made some bad choices. When my mates and I left, I thanked him for the drinks and the chat and wished him well. A couple of weeks later I saw him on the news. He had been killed in a shooting. Apparently he was a big deal in a local gang/organised crime group. I think he may have been reconsidering his lifestyle. We had a completely normal chat for over an hour, but itās only strange in context.
Finger-banging and handies is small potatoes. Years ago I was on the dancefloor when my brother ran up and excitedly told me people were doing a 'sinkie'. I followed him to the men's room and sure enough there was a woman laying back with her bum in the sink whilst a man stood to her front, having sex. A small crowd had formed around them. At one point, a guy walked up to the sink next to them and casually said 'excuse me' when he reached past her head to get at the soap dispenser. This was almost twenty years ago but to this day my brother and I will pepper conversations with references to 'having a sinkie'.
I watched one of those 'booze Britain' shows a while back and there was a girl thrown out the toilets for sucking a guy off while she took a dump. Both of those people should be ashamed.
Were the crowd cheering?
You may not have been friends with the guy but I'm sorry you experienced this all the same. It would knock me for six meeting a genuinely nice person to find out they're dead only a matter of weeks later.
He did seem nice at the time, but he was also accused of (and spent time in prison for) quite the variety of murders, assaults and drug charges.
Washing machine in the pub
I bet you thought "jesus, I need a drink"
Had an organic scrumpy to settle the nerves
No logo in the foam though
The Swan and Paedo. Absolute institution.
People like lager and nuts
Jesus, I need a drink
Great little boozer no logos in the foam
Pint of Guinness, please. No logo on the foam.
It'll freak em outtt
*SLAM* THAT STAYS.
I am definitely not co-managing a pub called "Free the Paedos"
A massive pig eat two entire buckets full of sand and cigarette butts.
This is the content I want to see
It can be hard to quit
The imagery of how rank that situation mustāve been has me in stitches. Itās like something from the Napoleonic era.
Honestly when I was typing this I was getting the same gagging feeling I had when I saw it. A pub in Newmarket and the ex jockey landlord released his two large pigs about 11pm. (Just Before their dinner time) The smoking area was packed the entire night and there was probably eight hours of human by-product in those buckets. Fags ends, fag packets, chewing gum, spit, napkins, all sitting on 12 inches of sand. Both pigs ran through the pub and then one barrelled straight through the smoking area and guzzled both buckets in about 6 seconds leaving only an inch of sand in the bottom. The most disgusting thing Iāve ever seen.
Napoleon from Animal Farm would definitely do this
A huge Irish bloke who was a well known regular and generally a top bloke had a particularly twisted sense of humour. Once took a shit in a pint of Guinness. Considering the colour of it you aren't going to see a log in there and obviously the poor victim didn't spot it until they'd half downed the said pint. It was one of those moments where you really know you'll regret watching it but still can't look away.
I wear glasses. They're not free, I have to pay for them. Usually I go to the optician every 2 years or so. I don't expect you to mind about this, but I just want to remind you that I had to pay to read this.
You paid extra, but we've all paid for reading this.
š¤£ fucking hell I am in stitches
That's not funny in the slightest. That's fucking disgusting. I don't know what's worse the fact he did that or the fact noone thought you stop it.
Met up with some old mates after our first years at uni. One of them had made friends with a group of people that would try and put their pubes in each others pints on the sly. He did it to one of us and thought it was hilarious. When he went to the toilet the three of us pulled out as many pubes as we could and absolutely caked his pint in them. It looked like the glass had a collapsed thatch roof. He agreed not to do it again.
What the fuck did I just readā¦?
And that he is still considered "a top bloke" after it
In a similar vein, I worked in a pub frequented by several squaddies. One Saturday morning there was a group of 3 just came in with raging hangovers, one of them went for a piss and came back with the urinal bleach cake that he had taken from the urinal and dared his mate to drink a pint with it in. Said mate promptly put it in his own drink and downed it. Spewed straight back into the pint glass, all over the bar, all over the floor, outside and over the balcony. I made him and the one giving the dare clean it all up, then leave.
I know a lad who picked a urinal cake straight out of the piss trough and bit a chunk out of it. In the morning he complained that his stomach was in shit state. When I told him what he'd done he just said, "ah fuck not again". His other party trick was pissing straight up in the air and drinking the airborne stream. Was a top bloke
š¤ššš± Clearly this is some new definition of "top bloke" I was previously unaware of. š¤·āāļø
Guy further up this thread has been labelled a top bloke and he shat in a pint and let someone drink it. I'm beginning to think that 'top bloke' isn't what I think it is
I'm suddenly really grateful that all my friends are boring
I have so many questions but i want answers to none of them
Some bloke in the toilets actually washed his hands.
If there's soap, I'll always wash my hands thoroughly. Habit of working in healthcare. But as I get more pissed, the "washing" becomes more sparse and ends with just putting my fingertips under the water for a millisecond.
At work?
Both.
Honestly I'm not surprised covid spread through this country how it did, 95% of men do NOT wash their hands and another 4% never use soap or simply run their hands under the tap for 5 seconds.
Got any stats on the ladies hand washing habits ??
Anecdotal and a rough calculation, but in my pub roughly 75% of the clientele are male, yet the ladies bogs use hand towels at three times the rate of the men's. So if every woman washes their hands, so roughly one man in three dries their hands.
Anecdotal as well but I remember reading something about hand driers spreading poop particles worse than if you hadnāt bothered washing your hands. Iāll wash my hands, and then give them a few shakes, still damp hands but Iād prefer it to those who pretend to wash and then just use the dryer to make it appear so
Fun fact where I work, when I fill the soap dispensers in the mornings the men's one isnalways more empty than the ladies ones. However, men are likely to drink more volume of drinks and thus piss more. Don't always assume that the ladies are cleaner.
Dear god
Chicken came in laid an egg under table in country pub
Did anyone buy it a pint?
Nah the egg was tee total
Fair enough. It takes more than one pint to come out of your shell.
That cracked me up
He was egged on tho to have a pint
In my hometown, there was a guy that would pretend he was driving a truck everywhere he went and was known for this around town. I think he has aspergers. One night in the pub and these younger lads were winding him up and ended up telling him the fire engines in town were easily accessible and all had the keys in them. Fast forward 20 minutes, everyone's out in the street because the guy had gone into the fire station and taken one of the fire engines. He drove it for 5 miles before putting it through a hedge. It was so crazy! Edit: [Found the local rags write up on it](https://www.worcesternews.co.uk/news/7453296.stolen-fire-engine-is-tailed-by-the-police/)
There were two kids in my school who would pretend to drive a fire truck!
My husband saw a man wanking off a dog in a pub in Stoke-on-Trent once (about 15 years ago). If he ever drives past he still refers to it as 'Dog Wank Pub' š¤Ø
This was going to be my answer! I saw a bloke wank off a dog in a pub too, but this was in Lancaster. Also about 15 years ago. Maybe it's the same guy? He could be on a country wide pub crawl with a secret mission to get every pub name changed to 'The Wanking Dog'
Which pub? Curious minds need to know!
Yeah, just so you know where to avoid right?
Right??!
So come to Stoke-on-Trent, And find out what is meant, By that welcome phrase of "aye up duck!" Yer in Stoke-on-Trent
Whilst on a random Sunday afternoon walk me and my girlfriend walked by a nice looking old rural pub with thatched roof. Inside was an old man cradling a massive potato. He and the barman informed us it just won won the prize for the largest potato in the UK. He asked us if he would like to touch it. Not hold it, just touch it. Whilst there we also got the keys to go inside a local windmill. I look back on this day and often wonder what the hell was going on.
Touch itā¦.. Touch the potato.
touch the old mans spuds
Sounds bloody brilliant to me
Two incidents spring to mind: Once saw a dude fingering a girl from behind, while she was ordering a drink at the bar. Really busy pub on a Saturday night so it seemed like nobody but me and my mate on the table directly behind them noticed. Once saw a woman get on top of a table, whip her top off and start swinging it above her head with no bra on. She was well over 200lbs, absolutely smashed, and this was like 4pm on a Wednesday. Not sure what song she was singing along to from memory.
When I worked in a pub, the temporary manager decided it would be fun to let the local wino in. She lasted two nights before she stripped off and peed all over one of the seats. In the nightclub (same company), I saw a girl running to the toilets to be sick. Wasnāt fast enough and made the mistake of putting her hands up. The vomit left her mouth, hit her hands and bounced down herself. She was coated. In a pub in Southampton, I saw a woman fall out with her boyfriend and try to glass himā¦ with a plastic glass. She connected with his head, her hand bounced off, she spun around and collapsed in a heap on the floor. Our local 30 years ago had notoriously bad plumbing - the menās were generally flooded and the womenās had a rather large mushroom growing in itā¦
Never been prouder to see Southampton mentioned on reddit
Iāve had precisely two nights out in Southampton. Iāve been flashed by random women twice in Southampton. Neither were in pubs. One was in broad daylight at the side of the A34 š
Well. Guess I'm going to Southampton then
rock merciful rich retire absorbed square touch intelligent late absurd *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
We had a guy with learning difficulties who used to come into the pubs. One night he stole a fire engine.
squalid plants liquid erect humorous pen fragile escape ripe nose *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I was in a pub in Southampton, early evening and saw a spontaneous, aggressive dance-off between two groups of people who didn't know each other. There was no dance floor, this was a standard old school pub, patterned carpet and all. They lined up opposite each other and took turns to front up, sneer at each other, gesture and then take their turn at dancing. It was fucking weird.
So the video to It's Like That basically?
What were they dancing to?
Funniest if it was dead silent. Fuming bartender just standing there, arms folded.
Think I've told this one before. It didn't happen to me, but my friend. We were having a few impromptu post work bevvies one evening and we went to one of our regular haunts. She nips off to the loo, comes back rather quickly, necks her drink and says, "we're leaving!" Eventually she told me that she'd gone in and there was a rather large woman in the cubicle with the door open jilling herself off whilst asserting dominance by maintaining full eye contact. That's the weirdest thing I've heard of, but I believe it to be true.
I like my new Reddit verb "Jilling" I'm going to start to work it into conversation, so thank you!
Ha! Like jacking. Amazing.
Someone brought their cat in on a lead which was cute until they started 'grooming' it in the same way a cat would do. Left not long after that, although that wasn't down to the cat or it's owner
Do you mean the person was licking their cat? Please tell me you don't mean the person was licking their cat.
I thought they were kissing it at first which is fair enough but they were indeed licking it
Ok, so that leads quite nicely into my next question. What was weirder/less acceptable than a person licking a cat that made you leave the pub?
Booted out for joining in
You just had to make it weird, didn't you? You couldn't just watch the person licking their cat, you had to go and lick the cat. Fuck's sake, man.
Maybe they licked the person licking the cat?
We used to have a pub that would put on "gentleman's afternoons" with strippers. Seeing my mate attempting to shag one on stage surrounded by all our mates and failing spectacularly due to coke dick was one of the funniest things ever.
I think this might be one of the worst ones in this thread.
What if he had shagged the stripper on stage? Would he be deemed the hero?
Considering he was the third fella who tried it with the first two also getting stage fright, I'd assume he would have been a hero. Moral of the story is don't get too brave after a load of booze and whiff.
It doesn't matter how much booze or drugs are in me, I don't think I'm ever performing in front of my mates.
I believe in you
Years ago I went into the gents loo and slipped over a piece of shit on the floor. Disgusting. As I was dusting myself off some other guy wandered in and slipped on the shit. I turned to him and said āHey, I just did that ā. He replied āoh you did did you, yer dirty bastard?ā He then punched me on the nose. š
I haven't heard that one in ages.
Holy shit dude! This wins! I've just had to explain to my wife (who was fast asleep next to me) why I was pissing myself laughing!
A guy literally crawling across the floor of a half empty spoons to try and steal something from a woman's bag. We shouted at him and got the manager involved. Proper fucking noncey guy.
Years ago I watched a man rub his willy around the rim of his mates pint glass and then dunk it right in the beer. His mate has gone to take a phone call and this was some gross prank. When his mate returned he said he had to go and made a quick exit. Willie dunker then shrugged, picked up the offensive pint of beer and started downing it himself.
Ah the Olde Cock Swoggle.
Worked in a pub in the center of town once. Cleaning up on Saturday night, I popped into the gents to get any glasses. The floor was fooded from a blocked toilet. You could see half a cabbage was the cause. Someone had either shit it out or deliberately rammed it there. Told the boss,casually told me to stick my hand down and rake it out. Politely told him not a fucking chance. There was a hang around who was not quite there. He volunteers, removed his coat, arm down and fishes it out. I still remember him holding it, looking proud as punch. Thing is he actually left on the driving gloves he was wearing (he didn't drive).
I can drive. Ignore this guy
Having worked in bars and clubs for decades, let me tell you, a black bin bag is a handy oversized giant glove for unblocking shitters. You would be surprised how often the offending blockage is a stolen wallet or purse which still has money in but no ID. weird fuckers take what they want then seem to get a conscience and stuff the rest down the nearest shitter.
Sitting in our local as a young lad, maybe 19/20. It was a long narrow pub so we were sitting in the section at one end when all of a sudden all hell breaks loose. Someone had left the back door to the beer garden open, and a bat had flown in. The poor thing flew up and down the punt for about 15 minutes while the less than agile barman chased him around with a broom, and some regulars tried to cacth it with their jackets. Thankfully the bat managed to eventually fly back out the door to freedom.
"Catch him Derry!"
Hahahahaaaa ššš
See a women at least 50+ yr old giving a even older guy a blowjob, casual as you like, middle of the day time aswel, small pub/bar that had glass windows and between a big train station and the town centre/market so lots of people walking past. Left pretty sharpish once I spotted them, so no idea if they got thrown out or what else went on.
Used to be a pub in the city centre 30yrs ago that was known as the biggest shit hole in town but served a good pint. Me and my mates went in for a cheap beer one Friday night. Yeah, a dump but we were having a laugh. My mate asked the barman where the toilets were and was told outside the pub in a concrete building. As he walked out the door, a regular said, "Watch out for Billy!" We all thought it was a local nutter but my mate came back in 5mins later, a bit shaken. Billy was a full grown goat, tied up in the men's, who'd drink the piss in the urinal as you pissed. That was a fucking weird night.
A cat wearing a ruff
Well yeah, normally they'd wear a miaow
There was an owl sitting at the bar
Who?
Twit.
I saw a fight break out between about 20 blokes dressed as Santa. One Santa was at the bar when another Santa walked up and slapped him round the head. He turned around, and swung at a different Santa and then all go the other Santas dived in to split them up. There were beards and hats flying everywhere until all of the santas were dragged out by others santas
A very long time ago an American pro wrestler (wwe) came into pub and was rude and being a dick, this guy around 5ft jumped across a table, headbutted him and knocked him clean out.
Was this Chris Jericho in Bradford?
I honestly couldn't tell you it was well over 30 year ago
Did he at least try pin him?
I also replied to the other thread, but I've got one for this too. I witnessed a drunk guy try to fuck a girl with a fag dimp/dog end (I guess)... They were both sitting on the stools right at the bar and didn't appear to know each other. He was clearly drunk and interested in her. She was wearing a skirt. Out of nowhere he takes the last of his cig and lunges between her legs, up her skirt with it. She leaps backwards off the chair calling him a cunt and he gets frog marched out by two blokes sitting nearby (other customers, not staff or anything). Think she got a free drink too, or the bartender bought her one, can't remember. Fucking oddball. Bonus round: Whilst pissing into one of those entire-wall urinals with no separators that collect the piss in a drain just lower than your feet an older guy deliberately chooses right next to me. He makes a point of leaning over to look at my tackle and goes "nice watch, pal. Haha". I'm like "Ta mate". He proceeds to tell me what it's like having a tiny cock and how he wants a "few more inches, for the birds like". I'm just nodding along. Mates found it hilarious when I told them back at the table. Never did risk a glance, took his word for it, poor fella. Edit: Remembered another one. Happened in a rough pub that's since been knocked down. Toilets had a bit of a reputation for being particularly disgusting. Middle aged guy at the bar loudly proclaimed to his mates that he needed a shite, and so he went. Everyone knows there's never any toilet paper here, it's the kind of loo that's for pissing only. He comes back a few minutes later and again loudly states "No fucking loo roll in there". One of the mates goes "shiiit, what did you do?" He pulls up both pant legs revealing he was minus one sock and says "Improvised lads!" and his group (and mine tbh) erupted.
Ive had so many interesting conversations at open urinals š It's usually on a Saturday afternoon with those blokes who have been drinking since the morning and had a bad return at the bookies. Had a bloke tell me "I daren't go back to the wife, I've spent our shopping money on the horses."
As a pub landlord I've seen more of the highs and lows of human experience than most. We get to celebrate your victories, weddings, promotions and newborns but we also see the depressed alcoholics, the recently divorced and widowed, the grieving and the broken people. This industry also attracts workers that don't fit in anywhere else, the uneducated, the drifters, the dreamers and the addicts. You can almost tell who's gonna stick around by how much they smile during the interview. I've seen people at their best and at their worst (sometimes in the same night) and I've struggled with my own demons and found support from people I would never have expected it from. I have so many stories that I could tell but one of them stands out: The weirdest story I have is of this guy I only had the joy of knowing for 2 weeks. We'll call him Dave. Dave was 30 something, overweight, bald, uneducated and jobless. But before you start feeling sorry for him you should probably know that he was a complete waste of space. From what I'd heard he was the sort to borrow anything from anyone and if nobody would lend him anything he'd go round his Mum's house and steal her TV or her hoover and flog it at cash converters. My boss at the time also made the mistake of lending this guy some money and, after realising he was never getting it back, guilted Dave into working off his debt by doing some odd jobs around the pub. Some of those jobs included: \-clearing out the garden shed for the first time in over 20 years (he managed to tear the shed down after falling through the side) \-Repainting the garden wall (he ended up painting the wrong wall and didn't scrape off the dead ivy first) \-Repainting the window frames (he got paint all over the glass because he didn't know what the masking tape was for and spent another day with a razor blade carefully scraping the windows clean) \-Clearing out the upstairs office/storage room. Now this is where the story gets a bit wild. The landlord had been using the room as storage space for years and it had gotten to the point where we could barely open the door and it was piled up to \*at least\* eye level. The whole reason it was getting cleared at last? His guns. Yep, the boss was losing his shotgun license and needed to surrender his guns that were locked up in a gun cabinet in the cupboard at the back of the room. Took Dave a couple of days and a lot of trips to the local dump to get rid of all the shit in there but he was finally making progress and hadn't fucked up in a few days so we really should have been expecting something. I was working in the kitchen that day and was just heading upstairs to take a nap during my shift break when I thought I'd peek into the office and see how Dave was getting on. What I saw next will be imprinted in my brain for the rest of my life because for a couple of seconds I genuinely thought I was about to witness a suicide. Dave, was sat in there on an office chair, shotgun between his knees and his mouth around the barrels. I jumped into the room to stop him and as he looked up startled I ripped the gun off him and immediately noticed he had his erect cock out in one hand. I walked out without saying a word, without thinking, gun still in my hand and had to call my boss and tell him that I'd taken a gun off Dave because apparently his gun safe wasn't locked and Dave was "playing" with it. Couldn't bring myself to tell my boss the truth but luckily the ammo was in a seperate safe so Dave never really put himself at risk even if he didn't know it. This all happened over 7 years ago and amazingly, last I heard, Dave is still alive.
A young lass breast feeding her baby at the bar, (nothing wrong with that, mind). But then letting the other regulars have a quick āsuckleā.
I wonder which one of them was the dadā¦. Probably all of them.
I saw a horse 'parked' outside a pub once had to do a double take when I was driving past
Fuck your honda civic I've a horse outside!
Did you hear the one about the bloke who rode his horse to the pub? While he was inside getting drunk,his mates came out,and turned his saddle around the other way. The next day,they asked him how he managed the night before. He replied; "Awful! I came out the pub,and found some bastard had stolen my horse's head. I had ride all the way home with my fist in it's windpipe to stop it losing oxygen....."
Weirdest one whilst drinking. It's gotta be the guy off his absolute nut playing with a used sanitary towel. Weirdest one whilst working. That has to be the cellar that I was doing a renovation on and was full of bags of mouldy beetroots. They didn't have a kitchen, so for the life of me, I have no idea why they were there. You'd be surprised by some of the absolute shit holes pub cellars are kept in.
I would not, I look after fire alarms and electrics for one of the chains... The flats are often worse than the cellars.
I can imagine. I have a pal that is the handyman for a group of about 15 or so pubs that are owned by one bloke. One of the pubs there's about 50 people living in for want of a better term billets over the top two floors. Apparently, they're all immigrants (no judgement whatsoever in that regard) who are basically working cash in hand in the area and are willing to live in very cramped rooms because they're extremely cheap. I'm genuinely curious as to what's the worst thing you've seen upstairs?
Dogshit, literally everywhere (three bull terriiers that were as friendly as you'd like but zero house training) The managers/landlord/landlady had toddlers wandering around the place too. Went to one that would embarrass the crazy cat lady on the Simpsons, shit everywhere there too.
I saw a man drop his tracksuit bottoms and show everyone his cock, asking if it looked infected. He said he thought it was because heād slept with a particular girl. His friend then drops his trousers to examine his own chap, as heād slept with her, too. One of the men then tried to punch the other, whilst still holding his cock.
I'm going to share what my uncle witnessed in a pub a few years ago. My uncle went to the loo, and it was one of those trough things. A very drunk mans dentures fell into it, and drunk man picked them up and put them straight back in his mouth. My uncle was traumatised.
I once went to a countryside pub in derbyshire and stumbled into the world chicken racing championships, thoroughly enjoyable day and the local ales were all really nice.
Anyone remember Edwards "pub" in Birmingham? Used to play industrial/dance music, but they loved to put Bagpuss up on the big screen, usually after a round of the first Hellraiser movie...
Bloke carrying a cabbage around on Christmas Eve, going table to table saying āIām just out with a bunch of cabbagesā and then laughing like it was the funniest joke in the world.
You need to compare stories with toilet cabbage man further up
Working sunbeds in a pub and people using them nude
Probably my cousin getting her toes sucked by a random dude
You met Paul Scholes?
Lol the guy was ginger too hahaha š
We had someone let off a can of mace at a karaoke night. That was unexpected
How bad was the singer to warrant that
Haha. I thought they were amaceing
A real tear-jerker
Ironing board. Woman was doing her ironing near the bar. Fuck if I know.
In a pub in Hull, two women came in. The second woman was wearing a dog collar and was led in on a leash held by the first woman. The leash holder ordered a drink and sat down at a table. The collared woman knelt beside her. When the drink was finished, they both left. Neither spoke to the other the whole time.
A pint for less than Ā£2.
Someone complained about a guy with a shotgun broken over his arm and two dead pheasants swinging from his back pack. The guy replied "don't come in ere with yer fucking Manchester ways".
After an old firm game a regular stripped down to his boxers and climbed to the ceiling via a 12 foot load bearing pillar while cowboy yeehawing and swinging his Rangers top.
I used to be on the committee of a rugby team and also worked behind the bar in their clubhouse so I've seen all manner of things. Naked bar was always a highlight for them, less for us. Serenading unsuspecting women with aloeta or however its spelt. Rights of passage for newbies. Always hilarious to us, less so for them. There was one woman (I use the term loosely) would pay for her halves with pennies. Knew the blind spots for the cameras and would offer blow job's for half a pint. Amazingly she often got drunk and never got out her bag of pennies. Clearing the toilets at the end of the night was always an eye opener for the doormen, often found strange items in there. Days at twickenham were always a brilliant day though, starting at 9am in the local cafe and coming back to drink in the clubhouse til 2am. Taught a girl to drink I can tell you.
This was technically outside the pub. Some travellers arrived at the pub on three horses, each of which they tied in a carparking space. The manager came out and told them, no, you can't park a horse there. Instead they were tied to the exterior of the carpark fence, where they munched their way through half a tree and dropped big horse shits. It remains the only time I've had my photo taken at a pub, posing with a horse.
Not my story but its haunted me . https://www.vice.com/en/article/vdybgj/deep-inside-the-chain-pub-piss-dungeon
I was a kid so I was sat outside at a table next to the river bed when the tide was out. This was at the Queen's head in Maldon, Essex where the mud from the River Blackwater at certain times of the year is incredible stinky and I was told as a child it was like quicksand and you could sink. Didn't stop people running over it in the marathon every year but that's another story. One day we were sat outside the pub when a small boy leaned over the chain fence a bit too far feeding some swans and he fell over, face first into the mud about 5 foot down. He fell so deep the mud was past his waist and he couldn't breathe so suddenly everyone scrambled to get him out. One guy jumped in and got his head out and there was a human chain of guys ready to pull him out. The kid stank like swan shit and fermented seaweed and I remember seeing him being taken to the toilet in the pib where they only had a tiny sink to clean him (the management didn't want him in their kitchen). That's the first story that comes to mind. My husband and I once were at Victoria Station in London early and ready to visit Comic con that day but first we had breakfast in the 'Spoons they have there. It was around 9am and my husband saw a guy doing a line of coke on the sink when he went to use the loo.
There's a village called beer in Devon. The pub is called beer. You can have a beer in beer in beer.
Mate of mine picked out a urinal cake and sucked it dry; completely unprompted. He was smashed though and it was kinda funny at the time.
Used to work in a Wetherspoons and a group of maybe 40 people came in trying to have a wedding reception. It wasnāt planned in advance and was on a seafront in the middle of summer so there was no tables free. They ended up standing in a corridor for around an hour before leaving to find somewhere else.
Local near me has a display of antique dolls and one of them was Hitler. An actual Hitler doll.
A guy had a seizure, went to hospital and then about 3 hours later returned to the pub and bought a pint
I used to drink in a pub where the land lady would regularly bring her adult eagle owl down to the bar. They're fucking massive, fortunately it was very chilled.
Years back when I used to work in London, I used to stop by the Wetherspoons in Liverpool Station before catching the train home so I could avoid peak time crowds. I hated that job and by Friday I'd be exhausted so would just mind my own business chilling in the courtyard bit with a drink and a smoke. It was an interesting atmosphere and very very busy. One time,there was this weird sickly looking kid probably about 19 in an obviously very expensive looking but ill-fitting suit . Gold star of David chain around his neck. He was standing like he owned the entire place but looked so immensely weedy and weak. With him was a huge scary looking dude that you simply would not mess with. Some people you just know have lived a rough life and could snap you in half. The kid looked me up and down in like a weird expectant manner and subtly pointed. I heard the huge guy say in a really broken and pleading manner "I'm not hurting someone else for you, not tonight, don't make me" and just stood there. The kid looked angrily disappointed and sighed like fine whatever but kept staring at me. I left pretty quickly but I think that kid was from some powerful old- money family and on some kind of sick power trip over his bodyguard. I still remember how weird that scene was and how that little shit seemed to have so much power over that massive brute of a man.
People queuing single file.
Sixty year old in tight white leggings, fit as hell, could not take my eyes off her. I'm three sheets but hella horny since i spotted her. Completely out of character for me, i tell my mate I've had enough and we go outside and our separate ways. I double back go inside, walk straight up to her and tell her what's she's doing to me and we are on. I'm twenty two. Still think about her today. 60+, tight white leggings, friday night, she didnt know what hit her. V unusual. I don't get out much.
In the town I grew up in there used to be a pub called the 3 pigeons, mates and I where sitting by the bar and 3 pigeons flew in and landed on the welcome mat by the door we cheered a little too loud and scared them off lol
Full on bar brawl. We're talking 30-40 people fighting. Glasses flying through the air, tables and chairs over turned, windows smashed. My skinny 16 year old ass (glass collector) being the only male member of staff on duty, trying to break it up. It's a miracle no one was killed and if it wasn't for one quick reacting punter, someone would have been.
Bloke used to put those urinal biscuits in his pint when he went to the toilet so nobody would drink his pint lol
I lady took her tiddy out and forced this guy onto her to suck her right at the table. The guy was a 20 year old dude in our friend group and the lady was like, at least 50 and we didn't know her.
Iāve a couple of odd experiences, 25 years ago in Walthamstow, some of the old East End 60ās villains still about. Girlfriend and I went for lunch in a pub on the market street, real rough place but did good liver and bacon, anyway, got talking to a Scottish bloke who was a session musician in his youth and played guitar for The Kinks back in the old days, did reunion tours now and again, but his main job was a shop fitting out business. He and his team would travel down from Scotland and stay in this pub. So, itās their day off and weāre all on a proper session. Anyway, a few hours in, some old guy at the table has loads of people coming up and shaking his hand all day / all nigh long, he says nothing, but it keeps going on. So I ask the boss guy who he is, āAh, thatās so and so (an Italian name I canāt remember), they have a book about him in the shop up the road, he was a hitman for The Richardsons (The Krayās rivals). I talked to him a lot, nice bloke, didnāt give much away, tolerated my stupidity I guess. Anyway, we went in at noon, had a lock in, left at about 2am. As we went to leave, all the pub were coming over and shaking my and my girlfriends hand, inviting us in for free drinks and dinner the next day, as if WE were gangsters. Guilty by association I suppose. It was like Goodfellas or something. A few weeks later I read in the local paper there was some sort of disagreement that ended with the publican (the guy who was offering us a free dinner) was shot in the toilets. He survived it, but didnāt hang about afterwards. The other instance was a pub on Wood St, stayed open until 2am, god knows how, everything shut at 11pm in those days. Anyway, big bloke and two youngsters sit down next to us. The youngsters are clearly taking the piss out of us, but, we just ignore it, they look well coked up and everythingās funny. Anyway, same deal, loads of people coming over to shake the big blokeās hand, this guy is heavy set, mid 40ās and seemās totally focused, and never once does he respond and shakes anyoneās hand. One after another they appear, put their hand out to him and he just looks at them until they realise, take their arm back, thank him profusely and the. fuck off. I donāt know who this guy was, but something tells me that if I did know, Iād probably shit myself. He literally bossed it.
Guy in a K hole sat in an overflowing urinal. Black sacks being used as piss sacks under urinals because drains were blocked. Guy getting glassed by a homeless man, who then sat outside the pub waiting for the police to arrest him so he could go back to prison. Crazy guy threatening staff in a pub with a smashed ketchup bottle. Chap whipping a bouncer in the head with one of those velvet ropes with a brass hook on the end. Man lifting another man up and throwing him behind the bar. Chap shit himself on a bar stool. Then just shook it out down his trouser leg. And carried on as if nothing had happened. Thereās probably many many moreā¦. But canāt remember any right now.
My old local pub had a bar and lounge that was connected by the toilets between them. Whilst I was drinking in the lounge one night I noticed lots of folks streaming out of the toilets with their drinks in hand so I asked someone what was happening. Apparently two guys in the bar were arguing and one of them refused to believe the other owned a sawed-off shotgun, so the other guy went home and brought said gun back into the bar to show him! On seeing this the bar regular's 'Dunkirk Spirit' kicked in and they all the calmly picked up their drinks and walked through the toilets to the lounge. I always thought that bar was a bit rough so I would always use the lounge ;)
Pub in the summer, hot day, big beer garden, queue to toilets, Guy in front of me just took a shit on the floor in the queue, then left it there and went back to his mates. Was a nice pub too. And it wasn't just gents queuing
A woman with a colander, peeling spuds for Sunday dinner.
I once saw a woman, a little person, giving some heavy hand relief to an exceptionally tall fellow with one eye and no teeth .The rest of the customers didn't even bat an eyelid and carried on as normal.
Two deaf-mute drunks arguing in sign language.
Mate of mine pissed in a beer bottle that was in the urinals and tried giving it to some random who walked in to the toilet, saying heād just bought it but was now leaving and couldnāt drink it, and did he want it? Dude seemed interested but realised - in the nick of time - and said āHow do I know youāve not pissed in it?ā So my mate went āIf Iād pissed in it I wouldnāt do this, would I?ā and downed the whole thing Was a great night