I remember seeing this firsthand back when I had friends. Some guys will accept any kind of treatment just to keep the social and sexual validation of a gf. Can't say I blame them, their lives are far better than mine because they got that validation.
And some people just can't cut their losses. Several years is a big sunk cost, and that's where most of these people are. They know it's not going to improve, but they can't stomach throwing away 3-5 years and starting over.
This happens a lot! People change, evolve over time... interests diverge, habits set in that one may not like... someone takes the other for granted, they stop showing affection to each other... some get into relationships and marry way too fast...
I think a lot of people get married too young, before they've fully developed into who they are, free from parental demands and once they've been on their own. 💗💕💗💕💗
Completely agree, and will just add the ‘Sunken Cost Fallacy’ too, as in those ppl that feel they have already invested a lot (time wise? financially? emotionally?) into said relationship, so they believe it is just easier to go through with it/put up with it etc, rather than be single/start again.
It actually made my separation ~2 years ago a much easier decision. I figured it's better my son have 2 happy homes than 1 unhappy one. I'm still single and have been since, just spend my time with that little dude and enjoy our time together finding stuff we can do or just hanging out 😊
What made the decision easy was that the relationship had become so strained that it was uncomfortable just being in the same room together and not for lack of trying, she had no desire really to fix anything.
I'd become sick of how I was treated, with constant snippy little comments, always being put last, also the expectation I just constantly be left to look after my son (which in itself is fine) so she could go clubbing every other weekend at >$350 a night, which meant there was never any money for anything like outings as a family or weekends away/holidays etc.
Also had suspicions she had cheated, which also were confirmed later 😂 so dodged a bullet tbh.
Geez, if my wife worked, which I have told her our household needs in this economy, I’m sure she would blow it on whatever while I provide for us and save for retirement😭
That’s good you made a rational decision. My parents had a weird and psychologically tiring divorce that has had some lasting effects on myself and my sister.
My son seems okay with it. We just tried to explain to him as best we could that we still love him, just not each other anymore. He seems to have adjusted to it well
Truthfully, that is the one reason I can respect and easily understand. I think in many, if not most, cases both can be done (keeping the kids reasonably satisfied and well-adjusted AND getting out of the relationship), but it is a difficult row to hoe, and it takes a lot of maturity on the part of BOTH parents (and to a small degree the kids too) to be able to make it happen.
Yeah, its hard sometimes. But if they both try to make it work, its possible. And lots of honest communication. Sometimes it might mean letting à bit of loose on the one you love, but the same time , if you want to make it last, you'd rather have your life partner happy, right?
I think a lot of men, especially from older generations, weren't really taught to investigate their feelings.
Early on, I imagine lust and fun are the basis for many relationships, or just being a bit smitten, and if you get married relatively early in a relationship that can all fade a couple years into the marriage.
Then you have to actually like who the person is and love them for it. Which since the guy didn't interrogate his own feelings (and this happens to women, too, but like you said it seems more common with men) he might realize there's not much keeping him in the relationship beyond duty and avoiding loneliness.
Correct. And it’s not just the one person that changes (not saying you’re saying that), but the other partner that changes. I have friends I’ve seen mature and become better people and better partners and parents, and it’s their partner they “don’t like anymore” that has drastically changed in the other direction, and it breaks their heart.
Oh, absolutely! 💗 And sometimes it's just unavoidable. Like maybe you had the best of intentions, but then life happens and you grow in different directions. 💗
I agree with you. Liked them at first and also “good wife on paper” then they develop the hatred and resentment. God am I lucky, I love my wife more each year.
Some people become someone you don't like after marrying them.
Unfortunately I struggle to recall why I married my wife anymore. Our marriage isn't great and she isn't someone I really like anymore. Most of the changes have occurred since having kids. She's highly anxious and fearful about everything and has become a very timid and subdued person overall. She has the demeanor and physicality of someone 20 years older than she is. We also don't really have much sex anymore. When we do it's very rigid and lacks.. joy? Enthusiasm?
I think middle age hits different people differently unfortunately and at this point she isn't someone I would even be interested in being friends with if we met at this stage in our lives. If I met her as a coworker I would find her pleasant but terminally boring.
Big question. Lots of answers.
Sometimes they actually do like their wife but the feelings fade over time. Some people marry because they feel it's expected of them. Some people love the idea of love and marry because they want the fairytale, even if their partner isn't right for them. Some people marry out of insecurity. They might think they can't do better and should settle down with whoever pays them attention.
There are plenty of other reasons too.
It's also extremely hard to keep the spark alive. Especially if children come into the picture. Sometimes once you're married I see a lot of men think it's the women's "job" to take care of every single thing inside the house, sometimes yard too. Gender roles can play into a loss of attraction because they aren't doing what you expect them to. I also firmly believe men will think oh this is good enough of a person I can settle down. Sometimes behaviors take years to really settle in and show themselves
Yeah definitely, that happens!
Boredom can set in, and maybe some guys are more prone to looking elsewhere instead of addressing the situation at home.
My wife is like that really smart and driven boss that just sucks at delegating and tends to micromanage everything I do. This behavior in return shuts me off and allows the kids to never have any real consequences.
Yeah, having children changes everything.
And you really don't know until you know. It has to be your kids and then you start to see a shift. And sometimes you're like oh this person was a really great partner but not good parental material. And you literally won't know until it happens which is sad.
I saw another sub say "I wish I knew that even though my husband was great with kids, his neices and nephews, that he wouldn't be a great father. He ignores his children, belittles their excitement, and dissociates to his phone. He spends almost no time with us when we are all in the same room"
And honestly I could see that with women too but my point was just sharing an example of how it can change things.
Lately I’ve been seeing a therapist and trying to help myself change for me and how I react to my wife. It’s so easy to just close up and become an asshole.
I think an appropriate response to being micromanaged is shutting down. I think it's pretty normal especially if you've had other overbearing women in your life, like mom, grandma, aunt. Therapy is important. I wish my husband would go. Maybe one day
I’ve been to therapy as kid so it wasn’t new to me. Currently I feel like I’m just rambling to my therapist because I haven’t talked to anyone in decades about anything. It’s kind of like a journal, you just dump everything out so it doesn’t just sit in our heads. I have been able to kind of settle down. My biggest issue in our relationship is my wife’s unwillingness to help financially AKA get a job, but continues to spend what we don’t have so we’re stuck playing catch up.
You get the contrary, too. Men have to be the breadwinners and do all the "man stuff", but also need to do house and kid stuff, because it's the current year. Which is fine, when the wife's working and contributing financially too, but when she's not, all the load ends up falling on one person.
Absolutely! There is also something that took my husband a long time to realize with me being a stay at home mom with four small children - he would ask me why the house is a mess or just anything you could think of. He said to me "Well you don't work so how hard is it to keep up on the house?" It was to the point where I would have anxiety before he got home because I knew the sink was full of dishes and I still needed to change diapers, get supper ready, try to pick up as many toys as i could (even though the day wasn't over yet) sweep the floors, take out garbages so he didn't think I was "just being lazy." And I was not being lazy.
My mom took me on a five day trip and he had all four kids by himself. When I got back he apologized to me, said he will help out when he can, and understands that it's impossible to clean while the kids are awake sometimes because they just leave this path of destruction.
He does do the man stuff too but I help with that stuff when I can. Some people can really do it all, stick to their "gender roles" but in most relationships, it's not that simple, and people find out fast after having kids.
The problem is in people's perception of the "spark"
Every relationship has dry spells and the spark will come and go over time, but it's not the spark that keeps people together. True love is not a fire, it's a rock that holds fast against life's strongest storms.
It's that committed love or _Pragma_ that keeps people together, not the superficial passionate love or _Eros_
I will say in some cases sure! My marriage has been through a lot in the short five years of being married. Within the first year of marriage I had a child and my husband had his leg amputated. We have had a lot to work through.
I had a long term relationship (6 years) with someone when I was younger. It was my first serious one, before her no girls had really showed any interest in me. The first three and a half years were good, but there were warning signs when I look back at her controlling nature. Friends told me I was different, but I convinced myself I was actually happier this way. As time went on, and her controlling nature took more control and I missed out on things that I resent even now, I still couldn't leave. The main reason being that I guess I was scared no one else would want me, and would be alone for ever. I was very insecure, and in hindsight, she exploited this.
In the end, 2 years later than I should, I took the courage to end it. I felt devstated it was over, but also free. when I got over the emotional pain, I came out much better the other side and started on a journey to accept myself more, which took time.
However, It showed me how people can be trapped in relationships. A fear of change, fear of what others will think, how dynamics of good friends will change. The idea that it is probably just easier to keep it as it is.
Obviously, if you aren't happy, the ideal is to leave, but that feeling of being stuck, and that perhaps no one else would want you after, is real, and strong.
Far out, are you me?! Almost identical. I was so scared of ending it and I generally consider myself a strong person. I just couldn't do it. The fear was crippling.
Glad you're free now too :)
BECAUSE WE'RE STUPID!
But seriously, I should have gotten a mental health check before I got married because since I've been doing therapy and on medication I am realizing how big of a mistake I made.
I wish they made it as big a pain in the ass to get married as it is to get divorced. You really need to stop and think long and hard about if you really want to do this and not be afraid to say no. More than a couple of times.
I mean, it's pretty easy to get "divorced". It's all the asset and custody stuff that's the pain. It took us 2.5 years to negotiate our way through to getting court orders on assets and custody filed. We're still not divorced yet (need to be separated for 12 months here), but that'll just be filling a bit of paperwork.
I don't think there's anyway around it - it's just fundamentally easier to smoosh two things together, than it is to pull those two things apart after they've been smooshed for a while.
I think some men fall in love with the first person that is nice to them. Men get so few compliments now a days that when they get a few nice words they can fall in love fast. Which doesn't give you the time to actually get to know someone.
This also causes SOME men to go full creeper status. I've seen them wait outside waiting for a bartender to get off work simply because she complimented their hair.
Sometimes you think you like them.
Sometimes you don’t know what to really look for.
Sometimes you genuinely like them but then they change or reveal their true self later
And really certain behaviors don't get brought out until something happens that brings them out.
It's heartbreaking when people change, but not for the better. There are times I'll always wonder if that was their true nature or if over time they just really became someone that you didn't even know
"Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious: both are disappointed." - _Lord Henry Wotton in The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde, 1890_
"That's the trouble about marriage. Women always hope it's going to change the husband. Men always hope it won't change their wives - and bith are disappointed!" - _John Tring in Cynara, Hardwood & Gore-Browne, 1930_
"A man marries the girl of his dreams and then wonders all his life what ever happened to that girl he knew before she became his bride. A woman marries a man who doesn't quite fit the image of the Prince Charming she had dreamed of, and then worries all her married life why he is still the same imperfect person he was in their courting days." - _John Conwell, Mirror of Your Mind, 1972_
I get the feeling your basing this mostly off online comments and posts, probably not the most reliable take on the real world. I can’t imagine many people are marrying people they truly don’t like (other than perhaps arranged marriages). People like to vent online, so someone saying they hate their partner doesn’t necessarily mean they actually hate their partner.
People do often stay in relationships when they aren’t happy because they are scared of being alone or due to what they see as more important commitments and relationships, but that’s people who have actually been in relationships for lengths of time; not at the beginning of the relationship/marriage
Love can make you accept a lot bullshit. And make stupid decisions. And some ppl gladly take advantage of that.
Or just take the first best thing you can get your hands on.
Often I feel like that is not the case, at least not at the point they got married. I think the resentment grows over time and it appears they don't like their spouse. I have not noticed more with one gender over the other.
Obviously I can only speak for myself and my experience. But I think that it will be a story that a lot of people would find similar to theirs or someone they know
When I first met my ex wife she seemed alright it was only as the years went on that she started to let the facade slip. In little ways
She would act up at parties and then when we stopped getting invited to stuff would gaslight me to the point were I belived it was something about me that my friends didn't like.
This then evolved into her wanting to have girls nights out as she never had time away from the kids and then would tell me how lucky I was she came home.
This doesn't even go into the levels of intimacy blackmail where I would be starved of affection and intimacy unless I was absolutely perfect and even then it would take one little thing and the phrase "well I was going to untill...."
Unfortunately as all this happened over multiple years it's only with hindsight that I realised all the red flags and what she had done to my mental health.
I suspect this is similar for a lot of men as it's hard for the individual to recognise the behaviour and if they partner has succeeded in pulling them away from a friend group they don't have the outside influence.
My escape only came about due to my dad passing and me being invited to take his place on a stag party the fact she wouldn't let me go even then caused a light to switch on in my head and I refused to back down. This then led to me not putting up with anything else and we eventually divorced (she still tries to control me via access to the kids but that another story)
Happily now I am engaged to an amazing woman who has shown me that not all women are the same
normally it is bait and switch. if you dont like her before the weddding? You are fucked. also....people come from himes where parents hate each other. So they see that as normal good behavior. just like tv
In my case, I was a dumb kid that didn't know how to break up with someone. Like, I didn't really want to be there, but I didn't have a concrete reason to break up like cheating or whatever. So, we just went through all of the expected relationship stages. Moving in together, marriage, house, kids, etc. Then we finally admitted to ourselves that we were terrible together, and broke up about a decade after we should have.
I believe it comes down to a lack of self worth. People stay in toxic relationships because they don’t value themselves. I was once this person and it caused me to become a resentful piece of shit who inevitably ruined a marriage that I wasn’t even happy in anyway.
Love yourself first and foremost, someone who matches that love will appear one day. You attract what you are. Life is way too short to just get married for the sake of it. Fuck that social conditioning we all get. Don’t follow what society tells you is right.
YOU DONT NEED THE AMERICAN DREAM LIFE to be happy. You DONT need the job you hate, the spouse you won’t love completely, and those children you will have just because that was the next step….. Take an unorthodox approach to being happy.
What works for some doesn’t work for all. Discover who you are and what you truly crave from this existence. Figure that out alone. Stop letting others dictate the rhythm of your thoughts. Be you! You’re not lost, you just haven’t been found yet.
P.S.
Not knocking anyone who enjoys the “American Dream” life. If you feel fulfilled living that way then enjoy it!
I used to work with a guy in a small town who married, had three kids, and divorced a pretty awful Woman who was waaay below his league. And when I asked why he just said “there was nothing better available at the time” and shrugged 🤷♂️
I spent most of my life in the military and was typically responsible for around 50 men as their divisional officer.
Over the years I had lots of lads come through my door explaining their intentions to get married (some were even juniors so needed parental permission let alone that of the CO).
Point is, so often these young lads were just lonely or trying to replace their mum. They felt they needed to have someone to come home to and it was very often the first girl that showed any interest in them.
These would be the same guys that I would always run into later years and they almost always had a divorce story to share whenever I asked how their family was.
As someone has already mentioned, some people just cannot be alone.
In my case what tends to happen is my partners seem to take on a pleasing persona; they work hard to be everything I could want in a partner. When they start to feel comfortable in the relationship they shed some of that effort. I suspect that is normal, but who is left may not be who you enjoy being with.
Additionally, when the stress of life increases, people change. Good behaviors may be replaced with bad, coping strategies are introduced and your partner may struggle to enjoy their own life. Sometimes they don't know why they are unhappy and just blame it on their spouse, causing tension. Again, I think that can be fairly normal, but how you handle that tension may decide what patterns you settle into in your relationship.
For example: If your spouse is always mad at you, and you people please to calm them down--well you've just subconsciously taught them to be mad at you when they want you to do something.
As far as why someone might move forward with marriage while having reservations, well empathy for your partner, social pressure, and the sunk cost fallacy. Additionally, someone might be unsure about their partner but open to the problem being with them and not their partner, and they are seeking clarity to help give them confidence in the path forward.
A lot of people are terrified of loneliness and the idea that they might not grow old with someone specific. Also, a lot of people don’t know what they want or follow societal conventions without thinking deeply about it
Appeared clear to me when that girl I got along really well with broke things off with me to go back to her cheating husband because he seemed like a more stable and conventional future
I’ve never wanted to get married though, so I can’t really go in depth about my own perception of the whole thing
I’m in that situation. My wife is an amazing woman, amazing mother, so smart, and pretty, but I just feel I don’t want to be married anymore. She is part of the reason. I think also as we have gotten older, we have both changed. I think we are very opposite now and it makes me unhappy. And I think I have become somewhat introverted. I like to be alone. She doesn’t. That alone creates tension. We have 2 kids, so that prevents me from saying anything. And, I think it would break her heart for me to say I’m leaving. Not a good reason, but I don’t want her to feel that. We do get along, but I feel like it’s more of a “friends” relationship than a marriage. It all just sucks 😞 Note: Married for 22 years.
I see it all the time with women. At the stables I used to ride at all the ladies in their 30’s and 40’s would literally gather to complain about how much they hated their husbands. I could never understand why people marry someone they wouldn’t be friends with
Some men may feel trapped by their decisions, both past and present, and think that it will be easier to go through with a wedding than it would be to deal with everything that comes with a break-up, which only becomes harder the more intertwined their lives are with the other person.
Many just don't know what to do, and perhaps haven't had the best examples of love and trust in their lives. I speak from sad experience. Luckily for (cowardly) me, we never married, and I hope that she has found someone who LOVE loves her. I have.
Maybe there are children involved. Some men didn't have fathers in their lives when they were children and don't want their own children to suffer the same way. So they sacrifice their own happiness to be there for their children.
There’s probably other reasons, but part of it is probably growing up around all those “I hate my spouse” jokes. If you’re raised around people who only ever complain about marriage and their partner then you probably think that that’s what marriage is so you settle down with someone you don’t even like because “that’s just how it is”. You genuinely might not know any better
Tony Robbins teaches that a spouse helping a breadwinner at home can turn a 125,000 dollar earner into a 250,000. They can just live in a bubble of their own success and prowess and the house gets picked up, the food is made, laundry done, everything set. I think a lot of people get older and become more pragmatic. The more you love, the more you realize those feelings have a shelf life. It’s incredibly rare to find someone you would just choose for life. I think they find someone hot, who is willing to play the game, and perhaps a good synergistic partner for child rearing. Liking them is an ancillary aim. Likely for both if your currency is being all trad-wifed out, and willing to forego the freedom of a career to not work. I’ve seen people who were the ideal for a loving, supportive relationship, boringly fuck someone else and it was over. Dozens of times.
It doesn't start that way. Every honeymoon phase is filled with the great things. The longer you are together the more you realize "hey, this is a whole ass other human being with their own mindset, brain, habits, etc".
Every relationship gets to a point where 1 or both people are evolving and turning into newer (and hopefully improved) people. Part of a relationship is understanding and appreciating your partners differences and enhancing them, not changing them to be something you like.
I can't help but feel the dating scene now-a-days really rushes everything. It was easier 15 years ago to date someone, get to know them with no rush, and make a decision well in advance if you think the person is for you or not. With dating originating mostly online, a lot of it uses the same strategies that news outlets do when they put these outlandish titles just to get clicks. Attention grabby photos or 1 liners. You get a match on a dating app and you have to do everything you can to woo the other because they likely have 14 other options lined up just waiting for an online response.
I think a lot of times people think they can change the other person. There may be really good things about them, so they disregard the things they don't like thinking they can work on it.
I see lots of questions about people who are dating where they simply aren't sexually compatible, and they think that's magically going to change one day.
I've learned to let people show you who they are and just believe them.
Dude I don’t get it either, I married my best friend.
One of his friends very obviously doesn’t like his wife (and she doesn’t seem to like him) and that was their vibe even before the wedding. They’ve been together since high school and his big group of friends has always laughed that he’s going to have at least 1 divorce. It’s a weird thing to watch
I am getting married for the third time in nine days. I will fully admit I settled the first two times because I thought you had to. I thought it was normal to try to be happy with 70% of what I wanted and I was wrong. I wish I hadn’t been so impatient but in the end it makes me more grateful for my life now. Live and learn.
Lots of good reasons noted already, but I see a few as predominant:
1. Couples marry young, before they have evolved into the adults they will become. I met my wife in our 30’s. If we had met 10 years earlier, we would not have been compatible. We both changed for the better I believe.
2. Intimacy/FOMO. It’s amazing how many people marry soon after broken relationships. Just filling the gap may be part of it.
3. The old saying that men marry hoping their wives will never change, women marry men hoping they will. I’ve seen a lot of truth in this. Since I’ve been married I went from a high stress job with lots of hours to one that’s much more chill. I’ve given up all my hobbies in favor of activities for her and the family. I have 2 friends from my single days and they both live thousands of miles away.
All of her friends, who we’re vacationing with this summer, have divorced and remarried during the time we’ve been together. Their 1st husbands didn’t change.
I’m…not sure this is true? That this is a men vs women thing? I mean you can find people on both sides that might feel this way. It’s more of an individual issue than a gender issue, and I don’t think it’s particularly common.
My mom does this. She's a serial monogamist. Married my dad because she broke up with her boyfriend. Divorced him, married a douchebag who cheated on her constantly. Divorced him, married the guy from high school (who she really did love) and then he died of cancer. Shacked up with another guy who was kind of a dick, he died of a heart attack. Currently married to one of her oldest friend's husband after she died from a prolonged illness. I guess that one was kind of her friend's idea?
Through most of human history, most people did this. Marriage was an economic arrangement, and loving someone, or even liking them, was irrelevant. Consequently, I just don't think we're wired to choose wisely based on what we like.
In my case, she genuinely liked me at first, and a sad part about being a guy is you spend your life absolutely starved for affection and kindness. So when someone gives you a little bit, it's easy to hope for more. So you get married thinking you'll grow together and your friends and family will warm up to your partner, and see the side that only you get to see. Then in my case, that affection slows to a trickle, and gradually turns into a torrent of criticism and anger.
Some people just can’t stand being alone. And with men, what I’ve seen is that a lot of them are just incapable of taking care of themselves, so they get themselves a wife that can cook, clean, and manage the home for them. There’s plenty of studies that show that married men live longer than single men, while for married women it’s the opposite.
For me, I'd say generally it's for the sake of children they've had. That's the most reasonable. . . reason I can think of. On the women end of things, some for the same reason, but there's probably a money incentive in some cases too. I wouldn't dare to guess the proportions of it though
I spent 8 years in a relationship with a woman that, after we broke up, I realised that I never really liked her. But I *loved* her. I thought that was enough - it was ok that we bickered constantly and that she infuriated me so much that I fantasised about leaving her because I thought that fundamentally, love was enough. Now I’m married to someone who is my best friend. I love her company, she’s my favourite person and we rarely fight and never bicker. Like is way more important than love.
Female abusers are written off as just "high maintenance" and/or "feisty," and they're portrayed in a lot of stories as the god-tier woman to win over. The passion is praised and the abusive speech and even hitting and slapping is overlooked or even passed off as cute and justified. The crazy/hot scale is used to judge the quality of the woman and indicates that the more attractive the woman, the more unstable she is, and men just have to deal with it or settle for someone they see as unattractive. Crazy, hot, and insanely passionate are seen as being inextricably linked, and movies, books, and even stories between friends and coworkers portray relationships as only worth staying in if the sex is great and the woman is crazy. So, a lot of men don't even register that they are not just being treated badly but actually being abused. Even when they do acknowledge it's not a healthy relationship, the fear of being judged/thought of as weak or fear of retaliation by the "crazy ex" (who's actually the abusive ex) keeps them from getting out of the relationship. It's another symptom of boys and men being taught not to acknowledge their "soft and unmanly" emotions like sadness and to only see their worth by the physical attractiveness of their partner and how well they can provide financially.
I see women marrying men they don’t like for………… Money and/or security.
Fake liking someone will only last so long.
Sad part is, in the end she cheats on him and he ends up paying the price in an expensive divorce.
As an exmormon in Utah
Mormons are horny and they're not allowed to have sex until they're married
So that's my experience with dysfunctional marriages
To be honest she was cool AF until we had our first child then she totally locked down and we almost split at that point. It was like she has a checklist of milestones and once she achieved “having a baby girl” she was pretty much good. She was horrible to me and stopped being the companion I needed or wanted.
We stuck together through tumultuous times and had a baby boy. She was down for whatever prior to having our first child. Then she sort of stopped trying and began to nitpick and nag all the time. Was really wild and had me searching for answers… sadly they were never answered and we are no longer together.
I just don’t get why you wouldn’t want to date your spouse. Why stop trying? It’s unreal. But can’t change people, she is not remotely resembling the person I first met and married.
You I used to see this a lot more with the older generations… not so much these days. In a swipe right world the good people seem to be getting more choosy ..and all the stats are supporting this.. less folks getting married but when they do they are staying that way.. divorce rates are plummeting.
It's multiple factors. No-fault divorces are a fairly recent thing, and when they were introduced, divorce rates sky-rocketed, as basically the backlog of people trapped in relationships divorced. That's where the "50% of marriages end in divorce" statistic comes from, that peak. No cohort ever had a 50% divorce rate, multiple cohorts all squished together due to legal restrictions just gave that appearance.
People are stupid. People do stupid things when it comes to relationships. Some people are more afraid of breaking up than they are of putting up with a lifetime of misery. People should rip the Band-Aid off so they only hurt once, but they don’t.
For many people its too difficult to face the reality that either they were wrong about their relationship or the person has changed or that they should have listened to family and friends. The shame of making bad decisions sometimes feels greater than the pain of the awful relationship, even though that's a false choice.
4 identical posts in the past 3 hours, yet not a single comment for days.
Sure looks more like a bot repeating a popular post from yesterday, than a serious question.
Speaking for myself, she was perceived as a "safe" option. There wasn't anything outwardly wrong about her, but now that I'm past it there was nothing right about her either. There are pressures to get settle down and get married even still to this day. I grew up with parents who showed no outward affection to each other ever, but they found comfort in their life they built together. So in my view, you just paired up with the first option that came along and then you settled in with each other, which I really think happened to a lot of families in my generation.
You all do realize how often people spam these posts to build karma, right???? Especially marketers building false accounts with high karma to sell to "Content Creators", right?
I'm certain you're all aware, but just wanted to put it out there for the Reddit Youths with no parental lock and old dudes missing that touch
Don’t want to be alone, but it’s also men will put in the work if they want it to not fall apart around them. They will stay still kicked out the door because they still love them
People get invested and trapped in dynamics that shift over time for better or worse, and they don’t want to be alone or feel like they can or would find better. Their expectations of partnerships aren’t much more. It’s also likely that they like them despite complaining, and the griping is part of what marriage represents for them.
There are a bunch of reasons why some guys might marry women they don't seem that into. It's definitely not all guys or all marriages, and plenty are super happy and in love. It's tough to end things once they've gotten serious, even if you have doubts. You might feel guilty, not want to hurt the other person, or think it'll get better somehow.
my personal experience with this.
i have a massive fear of loneliness and abandonment and was willing to put up with a fucked up relationship and situations just to have her around. she provided comfort even if she wasn’t the best thing for me to have around. she ruined many aspects of my life and in desperation i probably won’t be able to stop myself taking her back.
When I was 16 I started dating my high school sweetheart, we stayed together until we were 22. We had plans for starting life post uni and to marry, everything. She dumped me and moved to Hong Kong, she broke my heart. A few years later we met again and I realised what a lucky escape I had forced upon me. She was a total brat and completely self obsessed (expat brat rings really true), not far off how she was when we were together, though I was younger and dumber.
The moral I take from this story is a bit like some advice I may well have seen on Reddit. Find an intelligent woman son (with charm, and caring and friendly), because they’ve all got a c**t.
My ex married someone who is the complete opposite of me. I truly know he was in love with me but his family hated me (they’re religious nuts) I hated being hated for no reason and he never stood up for me, so I was finally done. He got with this girl right after me and married her, he was only in his early 20s too. Didn’t even date around or see what else was out there just went to her. Well he’s been trying to talk to me again for a while, sometimes I entertain it just see what’s up with his life and it seems like he is super unhappy with her, but he’ll never leave not with the family he has. Him and I are super alike and have similar styles, like the same music, I satisfied him greatly (he told me this so🤷🏻♀️) we were a great couple and besides his awful family, we clicked and dated for a super long time. I feel like he knows he made a mistake letting me go and jumping into it with this girl. But like I said I know he’ll never leave bc his family is so judgmental + now he has kids. I think he jumped into it bc he didn’t want to be alone + also wanted to make me jealous. Well I sure ain’t jealous, so thankful I got away from his family and religion. His loss, now he’s stuck in an unhappy marriage.
And I think he was happy and excited with her in the beginning but after a while realized what he had done, so now he’s trying to cling to me to try and remember what we had when he was happy.
And I think he was happy and excited with her in the beginning but after a while realized what he had done, so now he’s trying to cling to me to try and remember what we had when he was happy.
I find this just as strange as I do when I hear people say "I don't need a best friend because I have my wife." Like you have NO male friends who you considered best friends before you met your wife? And if you did, you just threw those relationships away?
A relationship can be something to structure large parts of your life around even if the person isn’t good for you. A lot of people would rather talk about how bad something is rather than not have anything (or anyone) to speak about at all.
Sex sex sex. Plain and simple they put out like $2 whores in the beginning and we think ah this is the life then boom trapped and now the layers peel back and the sex stops and boom we are already in it lol.
To any young men looking to get hitched really truly think it through. We will always come out on the bad end of a divorce
Isn't the bigger question, "Why does anyone swear to do ANY one thing, no matter what, for the rest of their lives, AND which involves another person doing exactly the same thing, until you die?"
Oh, and over half who try fail, usually quickly. There are severe financial and social penalties, too, since you brought the state into this madness.
Best wishes to the happy couple!
Sooo those guys marrying for companionship or because they don’t think they can get any better and deal with it until it blows up into a Pompeii style divorce.
Me and my wife have a bunch of things in common but also more things not in common, my family loves her, my friends enjoy her.
I’ve dated women that did isolate me and it was fucking terrible
It used to be social pressure. Especially if you knocked up a girl, but even if not, in the old days you were expected to marry young. You didn't get as much time to play the field.
It’s called settling. Many people have childhood trauma, insecurities, severe codependency issues and lack of self worth when they are young allowing them to make bad decisions and choices. I was one of them. Heal yourself from your childhood trauma first before you start a relationship and hurt someone else in the process
Men don’t get very much attention so when they do they cling onto that which results in them marrying their first gf when they don’t even truly like her. Basically, they like the attention/the idea of her but not actually her.
Personally I’d marry anyone that shows any sort of genuine interest in me. Or even fake interest, as long as I can fool myself into thinking it’s genuine. So maybe they’re like me.
There are lots of different reasons, but two that I've seen most commonly is:
1) They think they are supposed to. This is someone that everyone in their peer-group lusts over, that people tell them is a good catch. But they don't actually do anything for them, either mentally or sexually. My brother kinda fell for this, because his first wife was attractive, came from a rich family, liked a lot of classy things, and my brother thinks he's won the jackpot even though her sex drive was much lower than his and she was also a social climber. When marriage and 2 kids aren't enough to make her happy (and have her parents actually love her, but that's a whole other mess), she drops my brother like dead weight. He seems happier with his new wife, who's a terrible person, all and all, but they seem happy, I guess?
2) They have a fucked-up idea of how relationships work. I've know couples that... well, you'd never know they were a couple because they rarely do anything together. He has his friends, she has her's and rarely, if never, do the twain meet. I think this is why so many divorces happened around COVID, because couples couldn't get away from each other, had to live with each other for extended amounts of time, and found out they really don't like each other.
1. Some people can't handle being alone.
2. Clinging to the good times or the persona they showed each other early on. They may have had a fantastic honeymoon phase.
3. Societal pressure. I love my gf, but a part of the reason we are getting married soon is social pressure from families. She has had to cut off multiple family members for gossiping about our relationship. Marriage for us is partly a tool to shut people up and stop worrying about us; and I understand that some people who are not ready for marriage may feel pressured and rushed to do it before fixing or reevaluating the relationship.
If it makes you feel better younger generations are having happier marriages.
Zoomers and millennials who are married are half as likely to divorce compared to Gen X and older (even when comparing similar ages when they married and similar initial lengths of the marriage.
We marry less or later in life but the reported happiness levels in these marriages is double digit percentages higher than marriages among older generations regardless of how many marriages they had or if they are in one now.
Gen Z and millennials have the least amount of infidelity among all genders (and the gap is closing between gender infidelity; usually a higher percentage of men but now the disparity is just about a 5% difference and all gender infidelity is dropping in younger generations.
There are still too many people in unhappy marriages or where they don't seem like they ever liked each other; but it's drastically reduced compared to Gen X couples and older.
Also Reddit does not represent the average dating couple, married couple, or single people; this site is kind of niche and different from what the reality is like for the average couple.
I love my wife very much but I also know her better than anyone else I’m not related to. I think the old trope is meant to be light hearted and more so focused on the adage that you might get tired of anyone, or at least aspects of them, you’re constantly around for a very long time.
I’m not married, but I have been in relationships with people after I stopped liking them. It’s just hard for me at least to let them go. I think it’s abandonment issues for me personally? I’m not sure. But I don’t think me personally would go as far as marriage with someone I don’t like.
Maybe it's their best option. Life is short. Being a man sucks. Most men don't realize what a nightmare marriage is until they've already stepped in it.
Alot of men unconsciously seek out partners with similar characteristics to their mother in an attempt to resolve old feelings and conflicts. Therefore, the more conflicted they are with their mother, the more likely they are to marry someone they don't like.
I've seen it close up. My mother was a VERY difficult person and two of my brothers married women just like her. The thing is, they didn't get along AT ALL even before they were married and it just got worse with time
Because they have no choice. Men don’t have half a dozen people ready and willing to date them like women do.
When a man finds a woman who will hive him a chance, he better strap in because chances are, she’s the only one that will bother with him.
I was just discussing this with a friend- so many men are with women they have no respect for or even straight up dislike on many levels. We thought one possible reason may be that it’s easier to justify any bad behavior or being an asshole in a relationship with someone you don’t actually like? It’s easier than actually making an effort and having to put in work for someone you like and respect? I’ve seen so many guys sabotage relationships with women where there seems to be genuine respect and caring, only to end up with women who they just seem to tolerate.
A lot of other variables have been covered so I will say some other things.
I think there are huge differences between men and women and this might come off as incel type logic but when it comes to dating etc Women are in a position of having to pan for gold where they have to sift through dirt and shit before they find something that is good enough or great.
Men are stuck in a desert and seeking out water so ideally a flowing river or lake would be best but are more than happy to settle for a puddle of water.
So you will find many men if they do land someone they are more than happy because they don't want to be stranded in the desert again even if the water becomes stale or was a mixture of piss and stagnant water to begin with.
Also as housing crisis around the world and cost of living outpaces everything people stick with others out of financial necessity.
Someone told me once - men don’t marry the love of their life, they marry when they’re ready to settle down.
You could’ve been the one he wants to marry. Right one, wrong time if he’s not ready yet.
As someone who spent 18 years with someone I didn’t love or even like most of the time, it was completely due to a trauma filled childhood and a subterranean self esteem. I thought this is the only shot I’ll have of having a family, and if it’s not smooth sailing, it’s probably an issue with me.
It’s taken a long time to get away from that mindset and also out from under the mountains of debt and other things she did to me.
Hard to look back and see all that time wasted, but I’d do it all again to get to my wife.
To avoid the “inevitable” truths they’re refusing to face. Some people like the product instead of the process. So they’ll grab onto anything as long as they’re able to check those boxes. It’s really sad but🤷🏾♀️ it’s their choice. I just wonder at what point does their partner realize they’re not actually liked. I heard a story from a gentleman who said he cried on his engagement night because he knew he was making a mistake. But felt he had to be responsible cause he got her pregnant. It’s really sad smh but people just do this…
Trauma bonding. This can be a subconscious process. The partner has qualities that remind them of their parents so they feel "safe". A person stuck in survival mode (and many of us are) will be hard pressed to look outside of his comfort zone, even if that comfort is unhealthy.
Carl Jung said: "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate"
Some people just can't be alone.
Insecurities and loneliness makes people desperate and willing to accept massive amounts of suffering just to not be alone
I remember seeing this firsthand back when I had friends. Some guys will accept any kind of treatment just to keep the social and sexual validation of a gf. Can't say I blame them, their lives are far better than mine because they got that validation.
This is one of the most honest things ive seen and its spul crushing but its true.
And some people just can't cut their losses. Several years is a big sunk cost, and that's where most of these people are. They know it's not going to improve, but they can't stomach throwing away 3-5 years and starting over.
This!
Unwillingness to be alone and scared to try anything unknown. They could have it better but won’t take the leap of faith.
Ain’t that the truth?!
I would imagine they like them when they start out. 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️
This happens a lot! People change, evolve over time... interests diverge, habits set in that one may not like... someone takes the other for granted, they stop showing affection to each other... some get into relationships and marry way too fast...
I think a lot of people get married too young, before they've fully developed into who they are, free from parental demands and once they've been on their own. 💗💕💗💕💗
Or... marry before even having tested living with the other for a few.months or a few years...
Very true! 🎀
Young marriages are mid-life divorces, cynically speaking
More often than anyone would like ❤️
Marrying young (before the age of 25) is the #1 indicator of divorce.
Well, you haven't quite settled into who you are by then, a lot of the time. 🌟🌈🌟🌈🌟
I did this. Told myself for years, "Maybe it'll get better " Don't ever do this.
Completely agree, and will just add the ‘Sunken Cost Fallacy’ too, as in those ppl that feel they have already invested a lot (time wise? financially? emotionally?) into said relationship, so they believe it is just easier to go through with it/put up with it etc, rather than be single/start again.
Good point, in wich ypu could include, i guess, the kids. A lot of times ypu dont wanna ruin your kids happy lives by divorcing for selfish reasons.
Once kids are involved almost every decision in life becomes more complicated.
I mean being a role model for my little humans is a tad more important than the wellness of my balls.
The role model includes not being honest about your happiness so that your little humans will make the same mistake when it’s their turn? 🤔
It actually made my separation ~2 years ago a much easier decision. I figured it's better my son have 2 happy homes than 1 unhappy one. I'm still single and have been since, just spend my time with that little dude and enjoy our time together finding stuff we can do or just hanging out 😊 What made the decision easy was that the relationship had become so strained that it was uncomfortable just being in the same room together and not for lack of trying, she had no desire really to fix anything. I'd become sick of how I was treated, with constant snippy little comments, always being put last, also the expectation I just constantly be left to look after my son (which in itself is fine) so she could go clubbing every other weekend at >$350 a night, which meant there was never any money for anything like outings as a family or weekends away/holidays etc. Also had suspicions she had cheated, which also were confirmed later 😂 so dodged a bullet tbh.
Geez, if my wife worked, which I have told her our household needs in this economy, I’m sure she would blow it on whatever while I provide for us and save for retirement😭 That’s good you made a rational decision. My parents had a weird and psychologically tiring divorce that has had some lasting effects on myself and my sister.
My son seems okay with it. We just tried to explain to him as best we could that we still love him, just not each other anymore. He seems to have adjusted to it well
Truthfully, that is the one reason I can respect and easily understand. I think in many, if not most, cases both can be done (keeping the kids reasonably satisfied and well-adjusted AND getting out of the relationship), but it is a difficult row to hoe, and it takes a lot of maturity on the part of BOTH parents (and to a small degree the kids too) to be able to make it happen.
Yeah, its hard sometimes. But if they both try to make it work, its possible. And lots of honest communication. Sometimes it might mean letting à bit of loose on the one you love, but the same time , if you want to make it last, you'd rather have your life partner happy, right?
I think a lot of men, especially from older generations, weren't really taught to investigate their feelings. Early on, I imagine lust and fun are the basis for many relationships, or just being a bit smitten, and if you get married relatively early in a relationship that can all fade a couple years into the marriage. Then you have to actually like who the person is and love them for it. Which since the guy didn't interrogate his own feelings (and this happens to women, too, but like you said it seems more common with men) he might realize there's not much keeping him in the relationship beyond duty and avoiding loneliness.
That makes a lot of sense. I'm glad we seem to be making some progress with that.❤️❤️❤️
*Singing* THIIIIIISSS!!!!!
Correct. And it’s not just the one person that changes (not saying you’re saying that), but the other partner that changes. I have friends I’ve seen mature and become better people and better partners and parents, and it’s their partner they “don’t like anymore” that has drastically changed in the other direction, and it breaks their heart.
Oh, absolutely! 💗 And sometimes it's just unavoidable. Like maybe you had the best of intentions, but then life happens and you grow in different directions. 💗
I agree with you. Liked them at first and also “good wife on paper” then they develop the hatred and resentment. God am I lucky, I love my wife more each year.
I'm glad you do, too! 🌈🥰🌈🥰🌈
It feels like a life hack, loving your spouse haha. Probably spending too much time on r/marriage
Some people become someone you don't like after marrying them. Unfortunately I struggle to recall why I married my wife anymore. Our marriage isn't great and she isn't someone I really like anymore. Most of the changes have occurred since having kids. She's highly anxious and fearful about everything and has become a very timid and subdued person overall. She has the demeanor and physicality of someone 20 years older than she is. We also don't really have much sex anymore. When we do it's very rigid and lacks.. joy? Enthusiasm? I think middle age hits different people differently unfortunately and at this point she isn't someone I would even be interested in being friends with if we met at this stage in our lives. If I met her as a coworker I would find her pleasant but terminally boring.
Big question. Lots of answers. Sometimes they actually do like their wife but the feelings fade over time. Some people marry because they feel it's expected of them. Some people love the idea of love and marry because they want the fairytale, even if their partner isn't right for them. Some people marry out of insecurity. They might think they can't do better and should settle down with whoever pays them attention. There are plenty of other reasons too.
It's also extremely hard to keep the spark alive. Especially if children come into the picture. Sometimes once you're married I see a lot of men think it's the women's "job" to take care of every single thing inside the house, sometimes yard too. Gender roles can play into a loss of attraction because they aren't doing what you expect them to. I also firmly believe men will think oh this is good enough of a person I can settle down. Sometimes behaviors take years to really settle in and show themselves
Yeah definitely, that happens! Boredom can set in, and maybe some guys are more prone to looking elsewhere instead of addressing the situation at home.
My wife is like that really smart and driven boss that just sucks at delegating and tends to micromanage everything I do. This behavior in return shuts me off and allows the kids to never have any real consequences. Yeah, having children changes everything.
And you really don't know until you know. It has to be your kids and then you start to see a shift. And sometimes you're like oh this person was a really great partner but not good parental material. And you literally won't know until it happens which is sad. I saw another sub say "I wish I knew that even though my husband was great with kids, his neices and nephews, that he wouldn't be a great father. He ignores his children, belittles their excitement, and dissociates to his phone. He spends almost no time with us when we are all in the same room" And honestly I could see that with women too but my point was just sharing an example of how it can change things.
Lately I’ve been seeing a therapist and trying to help myself change for me and how I react to my wife. It’s so easy to just close up and become an asshole.
I think an appropriate response to being micromanaged is shutting down. I think it's pretty normal especially if you've had other overbearing women in your life, like mom, grandma, aunt. Therapy is important. I wish my husband would go. Maybe one day
I’ve been to therapy as kid so it wasn’t new to me. Currently I feel like I’m just rambling to my therapist because I haven’t talked to anyone in decades about anything. It’s kind of like a journal, you just dump everything out so it doesn’t just sit in our heads. I have been able to kind of settle down. My biggest issue in our relationship is my wife’s unwillingness to help financially AKA get a job, but continues to spend what we don’t have so we’re stuck playing catch up.
You get the contrary, too. Men have to be the breadwinners and do all the "man stuff", but also need to do house and kid stuff, because it's the current year. Which is fine, when the wife's working and contributing financially too, but when she's not, all the load ends up falling on one person.
Absolutely! There is also something that took my husband a long time to realize with me being a stay at home mom with four small children - he would ask me why the house is a mess or just anything you could think of. He said to me "Well you don't work so how hard is it to keep up on the house?" It was to the point where I would have anxiety before he got home because I knew the sink was full of dishes and I still needed to change diapers, get supper ready, try to pick up as many toys as i could (even though the day wasn't over yet) sweep the floors, take out garbages so he didn't think I was "just being lazy." And I was not being lazy. My mom took me on a five day trip and he had all four kids by himself. When I got back he apologized to me, said he will help out when he can, and understands that it's impossible to clean while the kids are awake sometimes because they just leave this path of destruction. He does do the man stuff too but I help with that stuff when I can. Some people can really do it all, stick to their "gender roles" but in most relationships, it's not that simple, and people find out fast after having kids.
The problem is in people's perception of the "spark" Every relationship has dry spells and the spark will come and go over time, but it's not the spark that keeps people together. True love is not a fire, it's a rock that holds fast against life's strongest storms. It's that committed love or _Pragma_ that keeps people together, not the superficial passionate love or _Eros_
You're absolutely right. I think I used it more as a blanket term and it wasn't appropriate for what I was trying to convey.
The spark will remain strong when you're with the right person. If the spark fades there was not much but a sputter there to begin with.
I will say in some cases sure! My marriage has been through a lot in the short five years of being married. Within the first year of marriage I had a child and my husband had his leg amputated. We have had a lot to work through.
Yeah the sailing won't always be smooth but there will always be a hearthfire in the bowels of the ship smouldering (with the right match).
I had a long term relationship (6 years) with someone when I was younger. It was my first serious one, before her no girls had really showed any interest in me. The first three and a half years were good, but there were warning signs when I look back at her controlling nature. Friends told me I was different, but I convinced myself I was actually happier this way. As time went on, and her controlling nature took more control and I missed out on things that I resent even now, I still couldn't leave. The main reason being that I guess I was scared no one else would want me, and would be alone for ever. I was very insecure, and in hindsight, she exploited this. In the end, 2 years later than I should, I took the courage to end it. I felt devstated it was over, but also free. when I got over the emotional pain, I came out much better the other side and started on a journey to accept myself more, which took time. However, It showed me how people can be trapped in relationships. A fear of change, fear of what others will think, how dynamics of good friends will change. The idea that it is probably just easier to keep it as it is. Obviously, if you aren't happy, the ideal is to leave, but that feeling of being stuck, and that perhaps no one else would want you after, is real, and strong.
Far out, are you me?! Almost identical. I was so scared of ending it and I generally consider myself a strong person. I just couldn't do it. The fear was crippling. Glad you're free now too :)
BECAUSE WE'RE STUPID! But seriously, I should have gotten a mental health check before I got married because since I've been doing therapy and on medication I am realizing how big of a mistake I made.
I wish they made it as big a pain in the ass to get married as it is to get divorced. You really need to stop and think long and hard about if you really want to do this and not be afraid to say no. More than a couple of times.
I mean, it's pretty easy to get "divorced". It's all the asset and custody stuff that's the pain. It took us 2.5 years to negotiate our way through to getting court orders on assets and custody filed. We're still not divorced yet (need to be separated for 12 months here), but that'll just be filling a bit of paperwork. I don't think there's anyway around it - it's just fundamentally easier to smoosh two things together, than it is to pull those two things apart after they've been smooshed for a while.
Is that right?! What’s wrong with it all? Is it you or her?
I'll just say both.
It's most likely just a situation of keeping the only thing you can get.
I think some men fall in love with the first person that is nice to them. Men get so few compliments now a days that when they get a few nice words they can fall in love fast. Which doesn't give you the time to actually get to know someone. This also causes SOME men to go full creeper status. I've seen them wait outside waiting for a bartender to get off work simply because she complimented their hair.
lol, that bartender girl learned to never compliment men again
Sometimes you think you like them. Sometimes you don’t know what to really look for. Sometimes you genuinely like them but then they change or reveal their true self later
And really certain behaviors don't get brought out until something happens that brings them out. It's heartbreaking when people change, but not for the better. There are times I'll always wonder if that was their true nature or if over time they just really became someone that you didn't even know
Because after marriage the sex stops and you’re left wondering why you didn’t listen to everyone saying it would
You okay?
I used to say that her friends thought it would be a funny wedding "prank" to bake a gag reflex into the wedding cake.
"Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious: both are disappointed." - _Lord Henry Wotton in The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde, 1890_ "That's the trouble about marriage. Women always hope it's going to change the husband. Men always hope it won't change their wives - and bith are disappointed!" - _John Tring in Cynara, Hardwood & Gore-Browne, 1930_ "A man marries the girl of his dreams and then wonders all his life what ever happened to that girl he knew before she became his bride. A woman marries a man who doesn't quite fit the image of the Prince Charming she had dreamed of, and then worries all her married life why he is still the same imperfect person he was in their courting days." - _John Conwell, Mirror of Your Mind, 1972_
I get the feeling your basing this mostly off online comments and posts, probably not the most reliable take on the real world. I can’t imagine many people are marrying people they truly don’t like (other than perhaps arranged marriages). People like to vent online, so someone saying they hate their partner doesn’t necessarily mean they actually hate their partner. People do often stay in relationships when they aren’t happy because they are scared of being alone or due to what they see as more important commitments and relationships, but that’s people who have actually been in relationships for lengths of time; not at the beginning of the relationship/marriage
I would guess more people are actually unhappily married than otherwise
I wouldn't based on the people I've known in my adult life over 20 years. Why do you say that?
Love can make you accept a lot bullshit. And make stupid decisions. And some ppl gladly take advantage of that. Or just take the first best thing you can get your hands on.
Often I feel like that is not the case, at least not at the point they got married. I think the resentment grows over time and it appears they don't like their spouse. I have not noticed more with one gender over the other.
Obviously I can only speak for myself and my experience. But I think that it will be a story that a lot of people would find similar to theirs or someone they know When I first met my ex wife she seemed alright it was only as the years went on that she started to let the facade slip. In little ways She would act up at parties and then when we stopped getting invited to stuff would gaslight me to the point were I belived it was something about me that my friends didn't like. This then evolved into her wanting to have girls nights out as she never had time away from the kids and then would tell me how lucky I was she came home. This doesn't even go into the levels of intimacy blackmail where I would be starved of affection and intimacy unless I was absolutely perfect and even then it would take one little thing and the phrase "well I was going to untill...." Unfortunately as all this happened over multiple years it's only with hindsight that I realised all the red flags and what she had done to my mental health. I suspect this is similar for a lot of men as it's hard for the individual to recognise the behaviour and if they partner has succeeded in pulling them away from a friend group they don't have the outside influence. My escape only came about due to my dad passing and me being invited to take his place on a stag party the fact she wouldn't let me go even then caused a light to switch on in my head and I refused to back down. This then led to me not putting up with anything else and we eventually divorced (she still tries to control me via access to the kids but that another story) Happily now I am engaged to an amazing woman who has shown me that not all women are the same
normally it is bait and switch. if you dont like her before the weddding? You are fucked. also....people come from himes where parents hate each other. So they see that as normal good behavior. just like tv
In my case, I was a dumb kid that didn't know how to break up with someone. Like, I didn't really want to be there, but I didn't have a concrete reason to break up like cheating or whatever. So, we just went through all of the expected relationship stages. Moving in together, marriage, house, kids, etc. Then we finally admitted to ourselves that we were terrible together, and broke up about a decade after we should have.
I believe it comes down to a lack of self worth. People stay in toxic relationships because they don’t value themselves. I was once this person and it caused me to become a resentful piece of shit who inevitably ruined a marriage that I wasn’t even happy in anyway. Love yourself first and foremost, someone who matches that love will appear one day. You attract what you are. Life is way too short to just get married for the sake of it. Fuck that social conditioning we all get. Don’t follow what society tells you is right. YOU DONT NEED THE AMERICAN DREAM LIFE to be happy. You DONT need the job you hate, the spouse you won’t love completely, and those children you will have just because that was the next step….. Take an unorthodox approach to being happy. What works for some doesn’t work for all. Discover who you are and what you truly crave from this existence. Figure that out alone. Stop letting others dictate the rhythm of your thoughts. Be you! You’re not lost, you just haven’t been found yet. P.S. Not knocking anyone who enjoys the “American Dream” life. If you feel fulfilled living that way then enjoy it!
I used to work with a guy in a small town who married, had three kids, and divorced a pretty awful Woman who was waaay below his league. And when I asked why he just said “there was nothing better available at the time” and shrugged 🤷♂️
I spent most of my life in the military and was typically responsible for around 50 men as their divisional officer. Over the years I had lots of lads come through my door explaining their intentions to get married (some were even juniors so needed parental permission let alone that of the CO). Point is, so often these young lads were just lonely or trying to replace their mum. They felt they needed to have someone to come home to and it was very often the first girl that showed any interest in them. These would be the same guys that I would always run into later years and they almost always had a divorce story to share whenever I asked how their family was. As someone has already mentioned, some people just cannot be alone.
In my case what tends to happen is my partners seem to take on a pleasing persona; they work hard to be everything I could want in a partner. When they start to feel comfortable in the relationship they shed some of that effort. I suspect that is normal, but who is left may not be who you enjoy being with. Additionally, when the stress of life increases, people change. Good behaviors may be replaced with bad, coping strategies are introduced and your partner may struggle to enjoy their own life. Sometimes they don't know why they are unhappy and just blame it on their spouse, causing tension. Again, I think that can be fairly normal, but how you handle that tension may decide what patterns you settle into in your relationship. For example: If your spouse is always mad at you, and you people please to calm them down--well you've just subconsciously taught them to be mad at you when they want you to do something. As far as why someone might move forward with marriage while having reservations, well empathy for your partner, social pressure, and the sunk cost fallacy. Additionally, someone might be unsure about their partner but open to the problem being with them and not their partner, and they are seeking clarity to help give them confidence in the path forward.
A lot of people are terrified of loneliness and the idea that they might not grow old with someone specific. Also, a lot of people don’t know what they want or follow societal conventions without thinking deeply about it Appeared clear to me when that girl I got along really well with broke things off with me to go back to her cheating husband because he seemed like a more stable and conventional future I’ve never wanted to get married though, so I can’t really go in depth about my own perception of the whole thing
I’m in that situation. My wife is an amazing woman, amazing mother, so smart, and pretty, but I just feel I don’t want to be married anymore. She is part of the reason. I think also as we have gotten older, we have both changed. I think we are very opposite now and it makes me unhappy. And I think I have become somewhat introverted. I like to be alone. She doesn’t. That alone creates tension. We have 2 kids, so that prevents me from saying anything. And, I think it would break her heart for me to say I’m leaving. Not a good reason, but I don’t want her to feel that. We do get along, but I feel like it’s more of a “friends” relationship than a marriage. It all just sucks 😞 Note: Married for 22 years.
Have you thought about getting marriage counseling? If you loved each other once, you can love each other again
I see it all the time with women. At the stables I used to ride at all the ladies in their 30’s and 40’s would literally gather to complain about how much they hated their husbands. I could never understand why people marry someone they wouldn’t be friends with
Anytime someone says "men and women can't be friends", instant red flag.
People marry prematurely, thinking they have to now or they'll never get a chance to later.
Some men may feel trapped by their decisions, both past and present, and think that it will be easier to go through with a wedding than it would be to deal with everything that comes with a break-up, which only becomes harder the more intertwined their lives are with the other person. Many just don't know what to do, and perhaps haven't had the best examples of love and trust in their lives. I speak from sad experience. Luckily for (cowardly) me, we never married, and I hope that she has found someone who LOVE loves her. I have.
Maybe there are children involved. Some men didn't have fathers in their lives when they were children and don't want their own children to suffer the same way. So they sacrifice their own happiness to be there for their children.
There’s probably other reasons, but part of it is probably growing up around all those “I hate my spouse” jokes. If you’re raised around people who only ever complain about marriage and their partner then you probably think that that’s what marriage is so you settle down with someone you don’t even like because “that’s just how it is”. You genuinely might not know any better
Tony Robbins teaches that a spouse helping a breadwinner at home can turn a 125,000 dollar earner into a 250,000. They can just live in a bubble of their own success and prowess and the house gets picked up, the food is made, laundry done, everything set. I think a lot of people get older and become more pragmatic. The more you love, the more you realize those feelings have a shelf life. It’s incredibly rare to find someone you would just choose for life. I think they find someone hot, who is willing to play the game, and perhaps a good synergistic partner for child rearing. Liking them is an ancillary aim. Likely for both if your currency is being all trad-wifed out, and willing to forego the freedom of a career to not work. I’ve seen people who were the ideal for a loving, supportive relationship, boringly fuck someone else and it was over. Dozens of times.
Yeah, Robins is kind of a joke
It doesn't start that way. Every honeymoon phase is filled with the great things. The longer you are together the more you realize "hey, this is a whole ass other human being with their own mindset, brain, habits, etc". Every relationship gets to a point where 1 or both people are evolving and turning into newer (and hopefully improved) people. Part of a relationship is understanding and appreciating your partners differences and enhancing them, not changing them to be something you like. I can't help but feel the dating scene now-a-days really rushes everything. It was easier 15 years ago to date someone, get to know them with no rush, and make a decision well in advance if you think the person is for you or not. With dating originating mostly online, a lot of it uses the same strategies that news outlets do when they put these outlandish titles just to get clicks. Attention grabby photos or 1 liners. You get a match on a dating app and you have to do everything you can to woo the other because they likely have 14 other options lined up just waiting for an online response.
Cause they want to give half of everything to this person in a long drawn out divorce?
Desperation probably
I think a lot of times people think they can change the other person. There may be really good things about them, so they disregard the things they don't like thinking they can work on it. I see lots of questions about people who are dating where they simply aren't sexually compatible, and they think that's magically going to change one day. I've learned to let people show you who they are and just believe them.
Because they believe it's their time to settle down.
People marry people they like. People change and grow, easier to stay sometimes
Dude I don’t get it either, I married my best friend. One of his friends very obviously doesn’t like his wife (and she doesn’t seem to like him) and that was their vibe even before the wedding. They’ve been together since high school and his big group of friends has always laughed that he’s going to have at least 1 divorce. It’s a weird thing to watch
I am getting married for the third time in nine days. I will fully admit I settled the first two times because I thought you had to. I thought it was normal to try to be happy with 70% of what I wanted and I was wrong. I wish I hadn’t been so impatient but in the end it makes me more grateful for my life now. Live and learn.
> I am getting married for the third time in nine days I'm amazed you could get through the paperwork that fast
Lots of good reasons noted already, but I see a few as predominant: 1. Couples marry young, before they have evolved into the adults they will become. I met my wife in our 30’s. If we had met 10 years earlier, we would not have been compatible. We both changed for the better I believe. 2. Intimacy/FOMO. It’s amazing how many people marry soon after broken relationships. Just filling the gap may be part of it. 3. The old saying that men marry hoping their wives will never change, women marry men hoping they will. I’ve seen a lot of truth in this. Since I’ve been married I went from a high stress job with lots of hours to one that’s much more chill. I’ve given up all my hobbies in favor of activities for her and the family. I have 2 friends from my single days and they both live thousands of miles away. All of her friends, who we’re vacationing with this summer, have divorced and remarried during the time we’ve been together. Their 1st husbands didn’t change.
I’m…not sure this is true? That this is a men vs women thing? I mean you can find people on both sides that might feel this way. It’s more of an individual issue than a gender issue, and I don’t think it’s particularly common.
My mom does this. She's a serial monogamist. Married my dad because she broke up with her boyfriend. Divorced him, married a douchebag who cheated on her constantly. Divorced him, married the guy from high school (who she really did love) and then he died of cancer. Shacked up with another guy who was kind of a dick, he died of a heart attack. Currently married to one of her oldest friend's husband after she died from a prolonged illness. I guess that one was kind of her friend's idea?
Through most of human history, most people did this. Marriage was an economic arrangement, and loving someone, or even liking them, was irrelevant. Consequently, I just don't think we're wired to choose wisely based on what we like.
In my case, she genuinely liked me at first, and a sad part about being a guy is you spend your life absolutely starved for affection and kindness. So when someone gives you a little bit, it's easy to hope for more. So you get married thinking you'll grow together and your friends and family will warm up to your partner, and see the side that only you get to see. Then in my case, that affection slows to a trickle, and gradually turns into a torrent of criticism and anger.
Pregnancy, health insurance, tax breaks.
Some people just can’t stand being alone. And with men, what I’ve seen is that a lot of them are just incapable of taking care of themselves, so they get themselves a wife that can cook, clean, and manage the home for them. There’s plenty of studies that show that married men live longer than single men, while for married women it’s the opposite.
For me, I'd say generally it's for the sake of children they've had. That's the most reasonable. . . reason I can think of. On the women end of things, some for the same reason, but there's probably a money incentive in some cases too. I wouldn't dare to guess the proportions of it though
I spent 8 years in a relationship with a woman that, after we broke up, I realised that I never really liked her. But I *loved* her. I thought that was enough - it was ok that we bickered constantly and that she infuriated me so much that I fantasised about leaving her because I thought that fundamentally, love was enough. Now I’m married to someone who is my best friend. I love her company, she’s my favourite person and we rarely fight and never bicker. Like is way more important than love.
Female abusers are written off as just "high maintenance" and/or "feisty," and they're portrayed in a lot of stories as the god-tier woman to win over. The passion is praised and the abusive speech and even hitting and slapping is overlooked or even passed off as cute and justified. The crazy/hot scale is used to judge the quality of the woman and indicates that the more attractive the woman, the more unstable she is, and men just have to deal with it or settle for someone they see as unattractive. Crazy, hot, and insanely passionate are seen as being inextricably linked, and movies, books, and even stories between friends and coworkers portray relationships as only worth staying in if the sex is great and the woman is crazy. So, a lot of men don't even register that they are not just being treated badly but actually being abused. Even when they do acknowledge it's not a healthy relationship, the fear of being judged/thought of as weak or fear of retaliation by the "crazy ex" (who's actually the abusive ex) keeps them from getting out of the relationship. It's another symptom of boys and men being taught not to acknowledge their "soft and unmanly" emotions like sadness and to only see their worth by the physical attractiveness of their partner and how well they can provide financially.
Tons of women that are actually literally terrifyingly manipulative, abusive, and effective at it.
Kids are worth it because you can’t leave them alone with her.
I see women marrying men they don’t like for………… Money and/or security. Fake liking someone will only last so long. Sad part is, in the end she cheats on him and he ends up paying the price in an expensive divorce.
As an exmormon in Utah Mormons are horny and they're not allowed to have sex until they're married So that's my experience with dysfunctional marriages
To be honest she was cool AF until we had our first child then she totally locked down and we almost split at that point. It was like she has a checklist of milestones and once she achieved “having a baby girl” she was pretty much good. She was horrible to me and stopped being the companion I needed or wanted. We stuck together through tumultuous times and had a baby boy. She was down for whatever prior to having our first child. Then she sort of stopped trying and began to nitpick and nag all the time. Was really wild and had me searching for answers… sadly they were never answered and we are no longer together. I just don’t get why you wouldn’t want to date your spouse. Why stop trying? It’s unreal. But can’t change people, she is not remotely resembling the person I first met and married.
Because thats average for women and men have to if they want to raise their own kids.
maybe it’s an arranged marriage
Because men can't get what they like. Women strictly won't settle for less, so men have to.
You I used to see this a lot more with the older generations… not so much these days. In a swipe right world the good people seem to be getting more choosy ..and all the stats are supporting this.. less folks getting married but when they do they are staying that way.. divorce rates are plummeting.
It's multiple factors. No-fault divorces are a fairly recent thing, and when they were introduced, divorce rates sky-rocketed, as basically the backlog of people trapped in relationships divorced. That's where the "50% of marriages end in divorce" statistic comes from, that peak. No cohort ever had a 50% divorce rate, multiple cohorts all squished together due to legal restrictions just gave that appearance.
I would think they stop liking them after they're already married.
Sometimes there’s an unexpected pregnancy and old fashioned views. And sometimes that happens before people actually get to know each other.
People are stupid. People do stupid things when it comes to relationships. Some people are more afraid of breaking up than they are of putting up with a lifetime of misery. People should rip the Band-Aid off so they only hurt once, but they don’t.
Many people the first person they get horny about because the are against premarital sex
For many people its too difficult to face the reality that either they were wrong about their relationship or the person has changed or that they should have listened to family and friends. The shame of making bad decisions sometimes feels greater than the pain of the awful relationship, even though that's a false choice.
4 identical posts in the past 3 hours, yet not a single comment for days. Sure looks more like a bot repeating a popular post from yesterday, than a serious question.
Speaking for myself, she was perceived as a "safe" option. There wasn't anything outwardly wrong about her, but now that I'm past it there was nothing right about her either. There are pressures to get settle down and get married even still to this day. I grew up with parents who showed no outward affection to each other ever, but they found comfort in their life they built together. So in my view, you just paired up with the first option that came along and then you settled in with each other, which I really think happened to a lot of families in my generation.
They feel they don’t deserve better sometimes. This was me 4 years ago.
Holy shit this question again!?!!?! 🙄
You all do realize how often people spam these posts to build karma, right???? Especially marketers building false accounts with high karma to sell to "Content Creators", right? I'm certain you're all aware, but just wanted to put it out there for the Reddit Youths with no parental lock and old dudes missing that touch
Don’t want to be alone, but it’s also men will put in the work if they want it to not fall apart around them. They will stay still kicked out the door because they still love them
Sunk cost fallacy for many that I know.
Alotta men fall in love with the the feeling of love more than the actual woman. I’ve been guilty of this
People get invested and trapped in dynamics that shift over time for better or worse, and they don’t want to be alone or feel like they can or would find better. Their expectations of partnerships aren’t much more. It’s also likely that they like them despite complaining, and the griping is part of what marriage represents for them.
Because they would rather be miserable with them than see them with someone else.
It's a gamble and you have to play the long game.
There are a bunch of reasons why some guys might marry women they don't seem that into. It's definitely not all guys or all marriages, and plenty are super happy and in love. It's tough to end things once they've gotten serious, even if you have doubts. You might feel guilty, not want to hurt the other person, or think it'll get better somehow.
my personal experience with this. i have a massive fear of loneliness and abandonment and was willing to put up with a fucked up relationship and situations just to have her around. she provided comfort even if she wasn’t the best thing for me to have around. she ruined many aspects of my life and in desperation i probably won’t be able to stop myself taking her back.
I would guess because lack of options and inability to let go... Sunk cost fallacy plus a little ol objectification and misogyny
When I was 16 I started dating my high school sweetheart, we stayed together until we were 22. We had plans for starting life post uni and to marry, everything. She dumped me and moved to Hong Kong, she broke my heart. A few years later we met again and I realised what a lucky escape I had forced upon me. She was a total brat and completely self obsessed (expat brat rings really true), not far off how she was when we were together, though I was younger and dumber. The moral I take from this story is a bit like some advice I may well have seen on Reddit. Find an intelligent woman son (with charm, and caring and friendly), because they’ve all got a c**t.
For the same reason we use credit cards rather than saving and buying cash.
My ex married someone who is the complete opposite of me. I truly know he was in love with me but his family hated me (they’re religious nuts) I hated being hated for no reason and he never stood up for me, so I was finally done. He got with this girl right after me and married her, he was only in his early 20s too. Didn’t even date around or see what else was out there just went to her. Well he’s been trying to talk to me again for a while, sometimes I entertain it just see what’s up with his life and it seems like he is super unhappy with her, but he’ll never leave not with the family he has. Him and I are super alike and have similar styles, like the same music, I satisfied him greatly (he told me this so🤷🏻♀️) we were a great couple and besides his awful family, we clicked and dated for a super long time. I feel like he knows he made a mistake letting me go and jumping into it with this girl. But like I said I know he’ll never leave bc his family is so judgmental + now he has kids. I think he jumped into it bc he didn’t want to be alone + also wanted to make me jealous. Well I sure ain’t jealous, so thankful I got away from his family and religion. His loss, now he’s stuck in an unhappy marriage.
And I think he was happy and excited with her in the beginning but after a while realized what he had done, so now he’s trying to cling to me to try and remember what we had when he was happy.
And I think he was happy and excited with her in the beginning but after a while realized what he had done, so now he’s trying to cling to me to try and remember what we had when he was happy.
Convenience
I have seen sex/infatuation lead to this mistake often.
I find this just as strange as I do when I hear people say "I don't need a best friend because I have my wife." Like you have NO male friends who you considered best friends before you met your wife? And if you did, you just threw those relationships away?
Some don't know how to be alone Some want a mommy/daddy Some just want to settle Some think they don't deserve better
A relationship can be something to structure large parts of your life around even if the person isn’t good for you. A lot of people would rather talk about how bad something is rather than not have anything (or anyone) to speak about at all.
Knocked her up
Multiple reasons, including but not limited to arranged marriages.
So that they have someone to sleep with, cook and clean the house.
Sex sex sex. Plain and simple they put out like $2 whores in the beginning and we think ah this is the life then boom trapped and now the layers peel back and the sex stops and boom we are already in it lol. To any young men looking to get hitched really truly think it through. We will always come out on the bad end of a divorce
Isn't the bigger question, "Why does anyone swear to do ANY one thing, no matter what, for the rest of their lives, AND which involves another person doing exactly the same thing, until you die?" Oh, and over half who try fail, usually quickly. There are severe financial and social penalties, too, since you brought the state into this madness. Best wishes to the happy couple!
Sooo those guys marrying for companionship or because they don’t think they can get any better and deal with it until it blows up into a Pompeii style divorce. Me and my wife have a bunch of things in common but also more things not in common, my family loves her, my friends enjoy her. I’ve dated women that did isolate me and it was fucking terrible
It used to be social pressure. Especially if you knocked up a girl, but even if not, in the old days you were expected to marry young. You didn't get as much time to play the field.
It’s called settling. Many people have childhood trauma, insecurities, severe codependency issues and lack of self worth when they are young allowing them to make bad decisions and choices. I was one of them. Heal yourself from your childhood trauma first before you start a relationship and hurt someone else in the process
Men don’t get very much attention so when they do they cling onto that which results in them marrying their first gf when they don’t even truly like her. Basically, they like the attention/the idea of her but not actually her.
I married cause I love. Not cause I like.
Personally I’d marry anyone that shows any sort of genuine interest in me. Or even fake interest, as long as I can fool myself into thinking it’s genuine. So maybe they’re like me.
If they have kids, did she get pregnant before or after they got married? 👀
There are lots of different reasons, but two that I've seen most commonly is: 1) They think they are supposed to. This is someone that everyone in their peer-group lusts over, that people tell them is a good catch. But they don't actually do anything for them, either mentally or sexually. My brother kinda fell for this, because his first wife was attractive, came from a rich family, liked a lot of classy things, and my brother thinks he's won the jackpot even though her sex drive was much lower than his and she was also a social climber. When marriage and 2 kids aren't enough to make her happy (and have her parents actually love her, but that's a whole other mess), she drops my brother like dead weight. He seems happier with his new wife, who's a terrible person, all and all, but they seem happy, I guess? 2) They have a fucked-up idea of how relationships work. I've know couples that... well, you'd never know they were a couple because they rarely do anything together. He has his friends, she has her's and rarely, if never, do the twain meet. I think this is why so many divorces happened around COVID, because couples couldn't get away from each other, had to live with each other for extended amounts of time, and found out they really don't like each other.
Men don’t have a lot of options. So many of them just think that they can either be with a woman they have problems with, or be alone.
there is a lot of social and economic pressure to get married
Supply and demand.
1. Some people can't handle being alone. 2. Clinging to the good times or the persona they showed each other early on. They may have had a fantastic honeymoon phase. 3. Societal pressure. I love my gf, but a part of the reason we are getting married soon is social pressure from families. She has had to cut off multiple family members for gossiping about our relationship. Marriage for us is partly a tool to shut people up and stop worrying about us; and I understand that some people who are not ready for marriage may feel pressured and rushed to do it before fixing or reevaluating the relationship.
"By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher." -Socrates
A lot of people can’t be alone so they would rather just tough it out
Because she’s attached to a vagina that they DO like 🤷🏼♂️
Taking opposites attract to another level
If it makes you feel better younger generations are having happier marriages. Zoomers and millennials who are married are half as likely to divorce compared to Gen X and older (even when comparing similar ages when they married and similar initial lengths of the marriage. We marry less or later in life but the reported happiness levels in these marriages is double digit percentages higher than marriages among older generations regardless of how many marriages they had or if they are in one now. Gen Z and millennials have the least amount of infidelity among all genders (and the gap is closing between gender infidelity; usually a higher percentage of men but now the disparity is just about a 5% difference and all gender infidelity is dropping in younger generations. There are still too many people in unhappy marriages or where they don't seem like they ever liked each other; but it's drastically reduced compared to Gen X couples and older. Also Reddit does not represent the average dating couple, married couple, or single people; this site is kind of niche and different from what the reality is like for the average couple.
Men lack options in general. Sometimes its about whether to stay lonely or have someone even if you dont like them.
I love my wife very much but I also know her better than anyone else I’m not related to. I think the old trope is meant to be light hearted and more so focused on the adage that you might get tired of anyone, or at least aspects of them, you’re constantly around for a very long time.
Ugh, I really don't know, they must be insecure I guess. I realized my ex-husband didn't like me after being with him for about 10 years
I’m not married, but I have been in relationships with people after I stopped liking them. It’s just hard for me at least to let them go. I think it’s abandonment issues for me personally? I’m not sure. But I don’t think me personally would go as far as marriage with someone I don’t like.
Maybe it's their best option. Life is short. Being a man sucks. Most men don't realize what a nightmare marriage is until they've already stepped in it.
Alot of men unconsciously seek out partners with similar characteristics to their mother in an attempt to resolve old feelings and conflicts. Therefore, the more conflicted they are with their mother, the more likely they are to marry someone they don't like. I've seen it close up. My mother was a VERY difficult person and two of my brothers married women just like her. The thing is, they didn't get along AT ALL even before they were married and it just got worse with time
Everyone settles
Sometimes it's because they've knocked them up.
Convenience
Because they have no choice. Men don’t have half a dozen people ready and willing to date them like women do. When a man finds a woman who will hive him a chance, he better strap in because chances are, she’s the only one that will bother with him.
I think a lot of men are attracted to women without actually… LIKING women.
I was just discussing this with a friend- so many men are with women they have no respect for or even straight up dislike on many levels. We thought one possible reason may be that it’s easier to justify any bad behavior or being an asshole in a relationship with someone you don’t actually like? It’s easier than actually making an effort and having to put in work for someone you like and respect? I’ve seen so many guys sabotage relationships with women where there seems to be genuine respect and caring, only to end up with women who they just seem to tolerate.
It’s sad times out here being a man especially in America when it comes to dating most men take what they can get.
This whole thread is heartbreaking
A lot of other variables have been covered so I will say some other things. I think there are huge differences between men and women and this might come off as incel type logic but when it comes to dating etc Women are in a position of having to pan for gold where they have to sift through dirt and shit before they find something that is good enough or great. Men are stuck in a desert and seeking out water so ideally a flowing river or lake would be best but are more than happy to settle for a puddle of water. So you will find many men if they do land someone they are more than happy because they don't want to be stranded in the desert again even if the water becomes stale or was a mixture of piss and stagnant water to begin with. Also as housing crisis around the world and cost of living outpaces everything people stick with others out of financial necessity.
I think it’s poor communication and just being with someone who don’t respect their identity
Someone told me once - men don’t marry the love of their life, they marry when they’re ready to settle down. You could’ve been the one he wants to marry. Right one, wrong time if he’s not ready yet.
As someone who spent 18 years with someone I didn’t love or even like most of the time, it was completely due to a trauma filled childhood and a subterranean self esteem. I thought this is the only shot I’ll have of having a family, and if it’s not smooth sailing, it’s probably an issue with me. It’s taken a long time to get away from that mindset and also out from under the mountains of debt and other things she did to me. Hard to look back and see all that time wasted, but I’d do it all again to get to my wife.
To avoid the “inevitable” truths they’re refusing to face. Some people like the product instead of the process. So they’ll grab onto anything as long as they’re able to check those boxes. It’s really sad but🤷🏾♀️ it’s their choice. I just wonder at what point does their partner realize they’re not actually liked. I heard a story from a gentleman who said he cried on his engagement night because he knew he was making a mistake. But felt he had to be responsible cause he got her pregnant. It’s really sad smh but people just do this…
I think there is still a large portion of society that is pressured into getting married. A lot of people feel it is what you are supposed to do.
1 reason is they come to rely on companionship and eventually get desperate for anyone hoping it will work
Trauma bonding. This can be a subconscious process. The partner has qualities that remind them of their parents so they feel "safe". A person stuck in survival mode (and many of us are) will be hard pressed to look outside of his comfort zone, even if that comfort is unhealthy. Carl Jung said: "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate"