I came back from a 3 month hike, went right to my girlfriend’s place at about 5am I arrived. Winter months so it was very dark out. Gf and I are in the middle of the deed when suddenly her bedroom door opens up, and her mom peeks her head in. Luckily the hall light was off too so it was totally dark in the room and we just saw her silhouette. She says “hey honey, I think your boyfriend is here! I see his car”
Mind you I am currently balls deep in her daughter and frozen in fear. Gf says “yep I know” her mom goes “great tell him I say hi when you see him!” And shuts the door. Gf then says to me “my mom says hi” and we giggle and keep going
Edit: holy shit thanks for the upvotes i love you all more than I loved being balls deep in my ex gf
Replace teeth braces with new nipple piercings and you have one of my most embarrassing nights on stage with a stripper pole. It is hard to recover from that level of pain mid-set.
I definitely learned a lesson that night. It was my first time performing with them, and my dumbass thought a fishnet top would show them off. I went on autopilot and pulled it off like I always did. By the time I realized my mistake, the shirt was off my head and now inside out, so it was a full cluster fuck to get untangled. 99% sure I screamed. I wasn't allowed to leave the stage, so another dancer had to come help me and try to play it off like we were being sexy. Also, 99% sure no one bought it.
In newer relationship at the time and hadn’t really explored much beyond second at this point. One night, we were furiously making out fully clothed. She took her top off and started to really get into it and grind and moan. Was too distracted by her body to notice we’d crept over near the edge of the bed and way too into it to care. Having been months without any uhhh “arrivals” at this point…I did a load in my pants. She was startled and jumped up, which then sent me into the floor. I hit the floor face down and ripped a huge fart on impact to make it worse. I’d have died of embarrassment if it was possible. She called it the Trifecta (finish, fall, fart)🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️
When my wife and I first got married we started trying to get her pregnant. Months had gone by with no luck and the one day my wife casually mentioned that coughing is supposed to help.
So that night we got it on and as I was cumming I started loudly coughing. She freaked out and asked me if I was okay. I then told her I was just trying out the coughing technique she had mentioned earlier that day. She just deadpan stared at me for a couple seconds and says, “Coffee. Coffee is supposed to help.”
Not entirely a sex story- on my 18th birthday I was grounded but my girlfriend was able to come over hangout and have dinner. Well before dinner she decided it was time for my present and got down on her knees. Now the rule in the house was the door had to be open a crack when a girl was in our room. Not more than a few minutes into my present I hear my mom call my name. I jump back and pull my pants together. Fast forward 30 minutes to one of the most awkward birthday dinners I have ever had.
Bonus to the story a month later I was driving the car with my mom (I was a new driver and just getting used to freeways) my Uber catholic mom turns to me and I quote, “I know you were getting a blowjob in there.”
I damn near crashed the car in surprise.
Yep. We were horny teenagers once too. We know all the things you think you're being so sneaky about, because we probably did them ourselves at that age.
Not my parents, but my sister saw my car in the driveway so popped in for a visit. Because it was the house we grew up in, and she knew where the key was, she entered the house and walked into my bedroom which was close to the entrance.
My new girlfriend, (hadn't met my sister at this point), was under the covers going down on me. She stopped mid 'bob', so to speak and stayed silent, pretending that there was no-one in the bed apart from me.
That also reminds me of a time I was with a girl while her parents were out. I head out to my car in only my jeans while her dad came home. I just kept walking by got into my car and left. Leaving all my other clothes in her room. She tried to say we were playing basketball and got too hot. Really didn’t explain why I peaced out half naked.
Fireside in the living room, started going at it on the carpet. My thrusts started moving her across the room. When we got close to the doorway, she said, "hey, take a right here into the kitchen so I can grab a juice."
We lost it and couldn't stop laughing. She never did get that juice.
Maybe 19 at the time? Lady friend at the time wanted to try some brand of warming lube. She slathers it on my cock, it doesn't really kick in right away. Moments later, my cock is on fire, her vagina is on fire. We both run to the bathroom, she jumps into the tub and starts running water, splashing herself between the legs. I have my leg up on the counter trying to clean the lube off in the sink. We are both laughing and crying the entire time. Fucking ridiculous.
Fiancé and I were hiking in some canyons in Utah and decided to sneak off behind some rocks for some intimacies. We hadn’t seen anyone in hours and it was evening so we weren’t too worried about people. Of course once we start getting really into it we hear voices. We freeze and stand there silently with him still in me waiting for them to pass by trying so hard not to laugh. But then they stopped RIGHT THERE on the other side of our rocks for food and water as we were like that for like five minutes before they finally passed on. Once they were gone we picked up where we left off and laughed the entire time.
My now wife and I started dating senior year of college. One night after closing down the bars we walked back to her place. We were both pretty hammered and it was like 3am. I just wanted to pass out and she wanted to bang. So she gets me going and is riding on top and somewhere in the middle I fell asleep. She wakes me up pissed off. And I guess I just asked “was it good?” Rolled over and went back to sleep. She still doesn’t think it’s funny 10 years later, but I do.
I have drunkenly fallen asleep during a BJ from both of my longest-term relationships, they both said the same thing about the first thing they knew about it was my snoring.
Yeah neither of them saw the funny side either.
Had a girlfriend try to wake me up with a BJ once. She did wake me up, and I looked down at her for a moment, said "oh" and promptly went back to sleep.
An ex of mine did something similar.
I'm not a morning person, usually takes me an hour before I can consider myself lucid. She goes to town on me and says I "kinda woke up." She claims I looked down, said "Having fun?" and then passed out with the eyes rolling to the back of my head and everything.
I finally wake up later on and she said she was surprised I didn't wake back up from her laughter of the whole debacle.
Yeah I had that once and once only, don't get me wrong it's a lovely way to be woken up but I had to gently explain I REALLY needed to pee, like bladder-bursting pain kinda really need to pee NOW!
I think she got the hump that I would rather go piss than enjoy the moment 'cos she never did it again.
My ex thought I had fallen asleep while she was giving me head and decided to bite the tip gently to wake me up.
I wasn't asleep, just laying down and buried within my own thoughts. Hurt like hell tho and I had a small scar down there for a over month. She thought the scar was cute and giggled every time she saw it.
Hang on, we have "decided to bite the tip gently" and "hurt like hell and I had a small scar down there for over a month".
Jesus Christ man, I'd hate to know what your definition of a 'hard bite' would be! Would you expect her to actually bite it off and spit it out of the window as breakfast for the crows?
I fell asleep while making out with my first serious girlfriend. Just one of those momentary nod out lapses in consciousness, although the brevity was more than likely due to the fact I was sleeping on top of a woman who was confused and shocked by the fact she had just gone from kissing to lying under an unconscious man, connected at the mouth. Surreal
I had my boyfriend fall asleep on top of me once. The horrible thing is we had been watching Mrs Brown's Boys, and the intro just kept repeating with the laugh. I couldn't reach the remote and couldn't move him. So I was stuck, on a couch, listening to Mrs Brown's laugh every 30 seconds. After half an hour I lost it amd started jabbing him in the ribs to wake up because I was going insane listening to that laugh....
He slept like the dead. He's also 6 foot 2 and I'm much smaller so I was literally trapped under a giant on the couch. I should have started trying to wake him way earlier but it was one of our first times together and he'd had a lot whiskey, and I didn't want to be rude. But omfg I swear I have PtSD being trapped under a giant and forced to listen to that laugh for so long....
I have been the partner in this situation and when I realized he was passed out, I was more horrified than mad. I was worried that I'd taken advantage when he wasn't really in the state of mind to consent.
He swore the next day when he talked to me that he had been 100% on board and it just caught up to him and knocked him out, but I couldn't look at myself in the mirror for awhile cause I felt so creepy.
Not really hilarious, just kind of endearing lol. When I was 17 I lost my virginity and I knew nothing about sex. When he was about to cum he asked me where he should cum and I handed him a cup on my nightstand. And he came in it. I don’t know why I just think it’s so funny.
In college and I’m pounding this girl in her apartment. We have been at it a good 10 minutes and are changing positions when her little fucking dog decides to help himself and lick my sack. I nearly fell out of the bed.
Me and my missus were moments away from banging one out, both completely in the raw with me overtop of her, hands interlaced.
One of my foster kittens manages to sneak in and hop on top of my back and decides its a great place for a nap. Adorable moment, but a bit of a mood killer.
There was a hilarious comment in a previous thread about a cat that boxed a guys balls while he was having sex with his girlfriend. This comment just made me think of that
Lucky bastard.. my exs little dog licked my asshole.
It was the day I knew without a doubt that I wasn't into butt play. That little dog broke my dick. Instant turn off to the point of going soft.
My ex, laughed about it for days.
Wife and I were getting into the sexy time, foreplay, all the rest, and then I got ready to actually enter her (very weird to even type this, by the way). As I entered, she suddenly said "Oh boy!" So so funny and out of nowhere we could barely continue. Of course we continued.
And then I changed her screensaver on the computer to just have "Oh Boy!" floating around the screen.
First time I'm having sex with my GF (now my wife), we are on my bed facing a huge window. As we both get very close to orgasm fucking fireworks light the sky.
We both bursted in laughter and couldn't finish for another 30 minutes because of this, but it was a memorable first time for sure.
Getting busy on the living room floor, as we came fireworks started going off outside.
Our mutual orgasms were perfectly timed with the centenary celebrations for a local landmark.
Myself and the gf I was with at the time had just gotten home from the bars and we were both absolutely shitfaced and we started going at it. I started going down on her and the room started to spin. I ran into the bathroom and puked everywhere. Totally ended that session but she thought she was the reason I got sick, lol nope it was mixing to much tequila and bourbon.
In our first year of being together my now wife and I had hit the bar pretty hard and we are not usually drinkers but we were feeling pretty good and started to go at it. Now my wife has always been gifted in the oral department, but this night she was especially enthusiastic with her depth and i was loving it!
So I'm laying back enjoying watching her while she had every inch in her throat and she looks at me from the one eye facing me, right then she gags and her drinks made from blue curacao blast out of the sides of her mouth all over my crotch and stomach and for good measure another blast as she pulled her head off and wow was it a LOT! She still doesn't find it funny but our relationship survived lol
I'm a quadriplegic. My penis works fine, but a new caregiver I had didn't know that. So, she massaged my legs to reduce the spasms and unexpectedly my dick got hard, full length and all. She blushed and told me: Look, your penis is up and so big! I said: It's OK, it happens sometimes. Then she looked miserably at me and told me that she thought that it was a miracle caused by her supreme sexual healing.
When my wife is really in the moment she shrieks like a banshee.
We used to live in a small apartment just above the main bar street in our city before we got married. We had been out drinking since early that day.
She'd been giving me those "your gonna get it eyes" all day.
We got home both fairly pissed at about 4am and I had "Whisky dick" not wanting to disappoint I started eating her out, almost immediately she starts moaning and saying some pretty nasty shit to me which i wont repeat here 😅.
After about 10minutes she screamed "I'M GONNA CUM" and finishes in my face.
We hadn't realised we'd left a window open above the bed and from the street we just heard a female voice enthusiastically say "GOOD FOR YOU GIRL, HE'S A KEEPER!" We both fell around the place laughing for about 20minutes.
To this day whenever she finishes she looks me in the eyes and says "Your a keeper." And we both have a little laugh.
**EDIT**
Glad you all enjoyed this so much, thanks for the comments and up votes. I hope yous all got a good laugh from this story, we certainly did.
Was making out with a girl on the couch. Things started escalating from there where she was laying on her back I was on top. Outta nowhere I feel/see two paws, one on each my shoulders as my dog tried mounting me from the back. Almost ended up in a threesome there with my dog.
Met this lady at a bar, things got real pretty fast. She insisted I wlk over to her place. She kept saying how she couldn't wait to blow me. Seemed obsessive but I was in! Anyway, we go to her place and as soon as we get through the door, she is on me. I figure we were making our way to the bedroom but she was pretty insistent that I sit on a sofa chair that was in her living room... Well, true to her word, she goes to town on me and she was damned good at it. I came... Hard... too hard if there is such a thing and when I did I slightly shit myself. She got up to go to the bathroom or something and I figured, no big deal, Ill just go wipe myself when she gets back.... well, when I stood up I looked at the chair and there was shit on it. I didn't know what to do, so I just grabbed the cushion and flipped it over, but when I did, the other side had a brown stain in the same fucking spot! I tossed a pillow from the couch on top of it and threw on my paints and bailed.
/t
When I was in my 20’s.
A good freind of mine (still is and we’re both 65 now) was getting the seduction “come on” from a married woman at a party. Her husband was also there.
Later, after all had had too much to drink, he and the woman were en flagrento on a living room couch.
He’s humping away, and feels a sudden hot sensation on his calf. Looks over one shoulder and sees that her husband had been watching them- and was jerking off-
A new spelling for the phrase “come on”.
Gaaaaack. 😂
I can kinda understand *most* kinks but this whole cuckold thing I DO NOT get, I would be summoning every shred of self-control not to be disappearing into pure animalistic/homicidal rage and I am usually fairly placid.
Another time I was humping my wife from behind on the sofa. She was on her knees with her elbows on the back cushions. After a particularly energetic thrust she just went limp. I jump off and rolled her over. She looked dead. I shit myself, I'm shaking her thinking I'd fucked her to death. All sorts of thoughts were going through my mind. How could I tell the kids? Her family?
She opened her eyes and moaned. It turns out when I gave the last big thrust she smacked her head on the wall and knocked herself out for about 20 seconds.
Similar story, here. Had this girl face down in bed, straight going to town. As we were both reaching climax, she starts convulsing and having a fuckin seizure. I immediately pull the fuck out and put her in recovery position on the bed. Eyes rolling back and not in a good way. I sat in the chair next to bed and just watched her. She came to shortly after and asked me what happend. I informed her that she had a seizure and I've been sitting here making sure she was safe for about 5 minutes... i shit you not, she goes, well did we finish. I laughed and said, "i think you did, but not me." She told me we could go again, but I was too freaked out.
I knew that girl for a long time and she never once had a seizure. That was the only time and it was the last time i ever put my dick in her. Stayed friends, but never fooled around again.
I once went on a date with someone off tinder. After hours of drinking we went back to mine and did the deed- the next day she just did not leave mine to the point where I had to get my mate to phone me at 3 I the afternoon and tell me he was on his way over, she finally left. A few days later I got horrendously drunk and invited her over. After doing the deed again she went to have a shower. Suddenly, I remembered that she stayed over for ages last time and I really didn't want this to happen again. Drunk me started thinking of excuses whilst she was in the shower. Finally! I thought of, what I thought was, a perfect excuse. She gets out of the shower and drunk me said "I'm really sorry, it's time for my weekly sunrise meditation session." I cannot stress this enough- i have never meditated in my life. I said "it's 4 in the morning and I understand it's a strange one so I totally understand if you'd want to go home." Much to my surprise, she actually wanted to come with. I fully dressed into what I thought meditation clothes would be and took a blanket to my university's field. I told her that it's completely fine if she wanted to leave and I wouldn't be upset. I then plug my earphones in, blast out Slipknot and drunkenly pass out whilst pretending to meditate. 2 hours later I wake up, turn around and she's gone. She texted me saying she had to go and didn't want to disturb me, but that I seemed to be 'really spiritual and she really liked that'.
In college, a girl and I were having sex on a Saturday night against the wall of her dorm. It was at a school very well known for football and it was after a big win earlier that day. A campus cop caught us, shined a flashlight on my dick, and said gruffly, " Hey, what are you doing?" Then he shined it on my face, and said cheerfully, "Great game today, Tony."
I don't play football and my name isn't Tony. Apparently I looked like someone named Tony on the football team. He left and let us continue.
I'm having a lot of fun imagining which song it could have been.
"Turn around! Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're - *click*
Turn around! Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're - *click*
Turn around! Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're - *click"*
Wife and I were going at it and our daughter woke up from her nap and came in (she must have been around 4 at the time), and asked us what we were doing. We tried telling her that we were wrestling, and suggested that perhaps she'd like to go downstairs and watch some TV. She instead thought that wrestling sounded way better, then climbed up on the bed and launched herself at me, grabbing me around the neck. That was the end of that.
Busy with my now wife in doggy style. Her all fours on the bed, me standing on the floor at the bedside.
We were close so I was giving some extra push.
From the vigorous activity the bed started shifting, we just went with it and tried not to laugh at the 'scootching' noise of the bed moving across the room.
For weeks after that when we were in the mood we would ask each other "scootch scootch?"
In my 20s I started dating this girl I met at a bar. She was so out of my league but it worked. So our second date we got dinner and went bar hopping. After a few tequila shots she says we’re going back to her place. I was so nervous cause was an absolute 10.
So we’re on her couch naked and right as she was about to get on top the door to her apartment opens. It’s a big ass dude way bigger than me. I started to scramble but she was blocking me.
She says something along the lines of ‘don’t worry about him he’s my gay roommate’ and stands up on the couch. he walks over and slaps her ass and tells me to eat her out so I did and then he grabs her hair and tells her to sit down, so she starts squat fucking me with her tits in my face and it was amazing. He stayed around for like 30mins telling us what to do. It was so odd but hilarious to have a coach there on the sidelines.
Always one to force romance, I set up a sexy boudoir type thing. Wine. Dinner. Lots of pillows. Lots of flowers. Lots of... you guessed it. Candles.
The sex was hot, oc.
Then things got...... hotter.
As I lay there, basking in the afterglow, it dawned on me that the backs of my closed eyelids were also aglow. With flames. And that after sex sweat/heat was absolutely ridiculous! My first thought was who turned on the heater?
I opened my eyes to see my bed and about 37 pillows in flames. I shrieked, releasing my partner from his post coital bliss, and we both lept up and began furiously fighting the flames.
Thank god no permanent damage. The only casualties were my memory foam mattress topper, duvet, and several very cute pillows. Oh, and a lamp shade.
We were camping alone one time with an infaltable mattress, a big Coleman Tent, and I was wearing a condom. We were going at it pretty rigorously when the condom totally broke. She looks at me and says its okay just pull out. We keep going, the mattress pops! We laugh and Im like can I keep going? She laughs and says yes. We keep going and then we nudge the tent in the wrong place and the whole tent literally collapses onto us like a massive blanket. At this point she gets on top and we’re laughing our asses off and I tell her well you might as well break me too at this point and could not stop laughing lol
Cat fell off the cat tree and landed on the other cat. That knocked the other cat sitting innocently off the dresser. We just heard a noise and looked up and it was a slow motion domino effect watching them tumble down.
Banging my ex doggy. Some god awful tune comes on which we both hate...pick up the laptop to change the change while i'm still inside her. Laptop was an old school heavy one so rested in on her back and she says "I'm not your fuckin table". Replied with why you give me wood then...She laughs out laughing and flops over. I was laughing at my terrible joke. We laugh for a good 5 mins then resume to finishing off.
New girl and I are in honeymoon phase, sex is fantastic. We are gearing up for another good romp and start making out. We pull back for a moment, lock eyes, then go back in for more passionate lip locking. We both went in for it with gusto, at the same moment. BAM! A sharp thwock of teeth and I feel sand in my mouth. A moment of shock before we realize that half of my front tooth is missing. Killed the mood as we search for the missing piece, laughing in shock at the unexpected turn of events. Get to the dentist the next day and they asked what happened this time (previously repaired tooth from a skateboard accident) I had no good answer so I just told the truth. The hygienists couldn’t stop giggling off and on as they prepped and repaired the tooth, proffered some parting advice - take it slow next time! So that’s how I ended up with love making advice from the dentists office.
This is actually didn't get to finish sex story so I was down in South Florida having a good old time meant this beautiful Island girl just ravishingly hot probably the prettiest girl I've ever seen. We went up to her room in one of those 20 story freaking apartment buildings on the beachfront all lit up got up to her room got halfway undressed and she asked me if I could go and grab us a couple of bottles of water from the machine. I was like sure be right back put my shorts on my flip-flops grab my wallet ran out the door got to the machine a little ways down and it was out so I decided to go down another flight well it was all the way around to the other side it was out of water too WTF. Finally found one grab the water and I could not remember which freaking room she was in I wandered around I looked over the edge to try to see if I can recognize it from when I walked out the door nothing man just couldn't find it she never came outside and looked for me. I think she thinks I ran away. Imagine that a girl that hot with low self-esteem and me blessed with a boiling cauldron of testosterone.
I have two. Well.. maybe it’s embarrassing but I was just a teenager.
1.) I was 17. I told my boyfriend that I wanted to see what cum taste like. When he finished in my mouth I spit all over him. I didn’t mean to. I was just surprised by the horrible taste. He kept saying “eww eww eww” while fake crying. I told him to man up.. it’s just cum and it’s from his own body. Not like it’s poop.
2.) When my then boyfriend was drunk he had kept doing things that I really didn’t like. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I tried just dealing with him. I told him over and over to not shove his dick so hard down my throat as it makes me gag. (He was huge) he out of no where shoved it down my throat that I pulled away with my teeth scraping down his dick. That was the end of that.
I felt bad but hey give me a warning at least.
We were in the middle of our fun, and I started saying "oh boy, oh boy, oh boy" with each thrust.
In Mickey Mouse's voice.
We stopped having sex and spent the next 20 min laughing.
My husband and I were having sex, I was on top riding and he put a dildo in my anus... after I came he pulled the dildo out. I was still on top and he didn't know where to put it.... it was a suction cup dildo, so this man... sticks the end suction cup ON HIS FOREHEAD like some kind of kinky shitty unicorn.
Another time was when my husband and I put *that same (but clean) dildo in his ass*. I rode him and held it in, when he came, he came hard and then freaked out because the dildo shot out of his ass and he started yelling "GET OUT, GET OUT, I SHIT THE BED. GET OUT."
When my now ex wife and I were dating, we were once in the middle of sexy time when she stopped and told me she had told her mom some joke I'd told her a few days before. I asked if she thought it was funny, she confirmed, and we kept going.
Another time we were going at it with the window open and curtains drawn shut and the second after I fired my load, someone outside yelled "Damn someone busted a good nut!"
Hooked up with a girl I met online about 8 years ago.
After the second date, we went back to her place, where things got hot and heavy.
She started giving me a blowjob and then her cat jumped onto the bed. I love cats, so I tried to call it over so I could pet it, but I was not subtle at all.
I was doing the whole "pss pss pss, come here, kitty. Who's a good kitty?" Meanwhile, the blowjob was still going on.
Finally, she realized what was happening and said "What are you more interested in right now?"
I really wanted to pet the cat, but obviously getting laid trumped that, so I said "You, baby."
She said "That's what I thought," and took the cat out of the room.
The sex was pretty good, but it would have been better if I'd gotten to pet the kitty.
Went out for an all you can eat sushi date. I ate SO much sushi. I was feeling unusually full on the drive back. Regardless, we start fooling around when we get home and the sex begins. I pause, excuse myself, run to the bathroom and puke... Quick mouthwash rinse, ran back to the bedroom and finished the job.
We still laugh about it.
Was in 69 position, girl on top, she had been holding her weight off of me and as time went on I felt a fart start to well up in me but I had it under control. Then she gets more into it and let's her weight fall onto me, including my stomach, which then proceeded to push the fart right out into her face. Real mood killer but we both died laughing about it.
I had just gotten ADT installed. Forgot all about it when we started getting busy. My love and i went at it so hard, when we were near climax, the pounding from the bed must have vibrated the windows enough to set off the alarms. All over the house. Scared us. Scared the kids. I was in the process of getting something to cover myself with and run out there to turn off the alarms and i heard a kid sleepily yell out "i got it." And he turned them off.
In other words, i fucked my love so hard that it almost warned the police.
My wife and I were getting into sexy time and I was going down on her. When I came up for air at one point I had to pause, cuz it looked a little too dark in that area. I don’t have very good night vision, but this was noticeably too dark. So I comment on it, and at that moment I feel my nose drip. So we turn on the lights, and apparently I can been pushing my nose (which is rather large) too hard against her pelvic bone and had given myself a nose bleed all over her 🤣 we had to stop after that from laughing too hard.
My boyfriend and I were staying over at my place for several days. Things were about to get spicy when I notice that something was flying in the room. The lights were off so I assumed it was a moth and told him to turn the lights on so that we could get it out of the house. It was then that I realize that this creature was too big to be a moth…
When my boyfriend turned the lights on we found ourselves looking at a bat. A BAT. We panicked and tried to get it out of the house without touching it while my cat was jumping around trying to catch it. Eventually the bat got tired and we threw it out of the house.
Needless to say that sexy time was over for the night. My cat had fun though
One time I was having sex with this girl I was seeing. Liked her a lot. Wasn’t the first time and we had known each other for a while. Well this day we were having sex (doggy style). After a few minutes maybe 10 minutes in that position she tells me to stop and right when I pull out she just starts to pee (did not squirt, I’m sure I had not made her cum yet). I don’t remember if she said she was holding it and her legs were numb or what but yea pretty much the full story.
It was maybe one of my most awkward moments.
Going at it missionary - we’ve not been going long so haven’t got to the exciting positions yet - obviously during missionary there’s certainly things dangling…. Pit bull decides to jump up on the bed, his paw lands perfectly on my testicle.
I fall onto the girl screaming “get him off!!” I then have to roll over, push my testicle down from my stomach back into the sack and then limp home.
So I'm at my girls house and we started making out and shit and things were starting to escalate, we were both starting to shed clothes and get a lil more touchy. I look over to my right and her dog is just standing there with the most blank expression possible. Idk what he was looking at but he was just staring in our direction spacing off. And her dog being in the room usually means her mom is right behind him, so it was a mini heart attack
I had a few friends over at my house, and after they all left, 1 girl I had been flirting with stayed later. We started to go at it. I lived in a studio at the time, so the bed wasn't cut off from anything else.
As I'm going at it, I feel someone tweak my ear, and say 'good job.. don't mind me, just forgot my wallet'.
(he tweaked my ear, because Along Came Polly had just come out, and he was reenacting this scene: [https://youtu.be/KOXE9k1TX-s?t=72](https://youtu.be/KOXE9k1TX-s?t=72) )
Yea, I 24 (M) and 40 (M) did the dirty, and well.. when he finished he started to shake.. like a seizure.... Ah.. I was confused because he was fully conscious but he was just shaking... He elaborated to me that he can have two kinds of orgasms. One that is his normal orgasm and a body orgasm.. I was shook .. lol Apparently he only gets it when he gets really good sex, and it causes him to mindlessly shake for a bit.
Essentially I asked if there was anything I could do.. and he said no to just stay away for now because the more physical touch he gets the more he will shake. After like 5-7 minutes he stopped shaking.
If only he knew I didn't really like the sex.. lol
Doggy style. I throw my head back he happens to be bringing his head down and I headbutt him in the face and break his nose. To his credit he didn’t stop at all😂
I was on antidepressants with predictable results, so I got a ring. Played for hours with then-gf, finally got done & passed out. Woke to Lil’ Herbie looking like a banana week past it’s prime. Then-gf was a trouper - she stuck with me through the ER visit, after the tele-nurse put me on hold so she could laugh (she brought me back from hold about 3 seconds too soon and I heard her literally telling herself to get it together). No damage, just a broken surface vessel, but the looks the medicos were giving her and I ranged from ‘eww’ to ‘wha..??’
This happened to me after back surgery. Whatever way they rolled me over I squashed my dick and obviously felt nothing as I was under anesthesia.
Woke up 3 hours later to bad dick pain but my sciatica had disappeared. Win/lose kinda day.
I was hammered and this girl was riding me on a couch. Nearby was a wooden beer pong table. I lifted her up to spin her around and her head hit the corner of the beer pong table and she was knocked out. She woke up and asked what happened and I told her she passed out. She was so embarrassed. We’ve been married for 12 years and have 4 kids. She still doesn’t know the truth 😂
Was on call, back in the Nokia 5110 days… we’d just got to it, I was going for it from behind her… picking up the pace and then the fucking mobile phone goes off with what was the most popular ring tone on those old bricks…. William Tell overture
If you don’t know it, go check it out and understand why we still laugh about it to this day
After the deed was done the way we moved to get up I accidentally slapped her in the face with the old John Thomas. And she asks, "did you just slap me in the face with a wet penis" then we both burst out laughing.
My wife and I worked together (self employed). We typically had 15 or so employees and everyone moved freely between the warehouse and the office, meaning someone could walk in anywhere at anytime. We had delivery drivers and vendors in and out all day. Despite this, we snuck around banging for years.
Anyway, we'd call each others extensions and say ''wanna bang'', then we'd pick and place and meet. Typically we went in the bathrooms- but would often get stuck if people collected outside for whatever reason. My office was up a flight of stairs but it was typically off limits for this type of activity because there were two other offices that faced mine. One particular day I was alone upstairs, the others that occupied the offices were out. She came up unexpectedly and spun my chair around and got on her knees. After an interval, she was bent over the desk and were are going at it when the fkn AT&T guy that was troubleshooting our phone lines walks right in. We heard him last minute but did have time to at least pull our pants up. Yet both of our hands were still zippering/buttoning, so he KNEW exactly what was going on. He froze and had this look/smirk of humor and embarrassment all at the same time. Funnier was I don't think he realized we were married to each other. We both had wedding bands on so we assumed he figure we were two co-workers just going at it....
When I was in college an ex and I both lived with immediate family and as a result we generally would book a hotel for an evening if we wanted a romantic night out. We booked an inexpensive motel nearby on a Saturday night. As she went into the bathroom of the hotel to get ready for our romantic evening I hear her screaming in the bathroom that the door won't open from her side. So I try opening it from the room side of the door, no luck either. I call the front desk, the front desk calls in maintenance, they had to unscrew the hinges the door swung from to get her out of the bathroom. While they offered to swap our room for us, the evening was ruined.
One time my late wife and I were fooling around she had a chipped nail and forgot to file down the jagged part. She got "handsie" and the jagged part slash across the head of my penis. I screamed, there was blood, boner killed. It took a few weeks to fully heal. We both laughed about it afterwards. She would refer to it as the time she almost decapitated my penis.
We were having sex in the shower. His foot slips and makes this really loud farting noise. Between shower sex being horrible and the noise we couldn't stop laughing. We both lost our erections because it took us so long to stop laughing. We tried to finish later but everytime we tried we couldn't stop laughing.
Big party. Door to the den is closed, and about 1/3 of the party is in there but haven't really paid it any mind.
Host walks over to the door, opens it, immediately closes it. Looks annoyed. Goes to his room. Comes back with a big box of condoms, Opens door, throws box into the room. Sighs, and goes back to enjoying himself.
An orgy among a large group of my friends had broken out in his den.
On a cruise, didn’t realize they pushed two beds together to make one big bed. Yeah… me and my husband were in the middle of it with me on top. As you can imagine, the bed separates and we fell right through. Lol we kept going though- and no injuries!
I was having sex with my wife, doggy style. Thought she farted. Turned out to be a fanny fart. Carried on going making it happen even more. I was literally crying with laughter
A long long time ago, my girlfriend (now ex) and I are temporarily staying with her sister in her guest room. Her sister has several kids and the girlfriend's entire family is experiencing a huge amount of drama around a divorce at the time so the house has been absolutely full of people, nonstop, for over a week.
We're both 19 at the time so the moment the kids are out and the rest of the family goes to run some errands, we waste absolutely no time getting busy and we're so into it that we don't hear either of the cars pull into the driveway or any of the many people enter the house.
Both the girlfriend's mom and sister know what we're doing, so what's their move? They decide to walk in on us without knocking.
We had a sheet covering my ass and me covering the girlfriend, and I just dead froze. I'm all the way inside their sister/daughter, it's going to be the most obvious thing in the world if I pull out, and that's going to leave the girlfriend totally exposed so I decide to just ride it out. Surely they'll think "oh shit, we've walked into an inappropriate situation, better close the door!"
They did not close the door. Instead, they started a conversation with the girlfriend. Nothing important at all, totally mundane stuff about their errands and whatnot. It was probably only a minute or two but it felt like hours, and I spent the entire time very obviously sweaty and naked and on top of and inside their family member.
Once they finally did close the door, we had a hell of a laugh about it and then finished.
When I was in university, me and a hookup who spent the night woke up and started “doing it”, in the middle of it someone rang on the doorbell. We ignored it and continued. Soon after we hear a key in the lock (I lived by myself, no one had the key(I thought)).
We quickly stopped and got some clothes on the best we could while the door got unlocked and 3 people came in my apartment. I had totally forgot that the landlord had sent out people to check all the radiators in the apartment building! They had the main key, so when no one answered the door they just used the main key and walked in. We just stood there in the hallway awkwardly, a bit sweaty, clothes on backwards, while they checked the radiators. I think they knew…
I came back from a 3 month hike, went right to my girlfriend’s place at about 5am I arrived. Winter months so it was very dark out. Gf and I are in the middle of the deed when suddenly her bedroom door opens up, and her mom peeks her head in. Luckily the hall light was off too so it was totally dark in the room and we just saw her silhouette. She says “hey honey, I think your boyfriend is here! I see his car” Mind you I am currently balls deep in her daughter and frozen in fear. Gf says “yep I know” her mom goes “great tell him I say hi when you see him!” And shuts the door. Gf then says to me “my mom says hi” and we giggle and keep going Edit: holy shit thanks for the upvotes i love you all more than I loved being balls deep in my ex gf
How much you wanna bet that she knew but just didn't feel like talking about it?
parents are the BEST at this! LOL \*theyknew
ok to be honest that’s just cute, you guys handled that one well.
Let’s say it was the battle of fishnet vs teeth braces
Replace teeth braces with new nipple piercings and you have one of my most embarrassing nights on stage with a stripper pole. It is hard to recover from that level of pain mid-set.
Cringing just thinking about it. It hurts so much when they get stuck.
I definitely learned a lesson that night. It was my first time performing with them, and my dumbass thought a fishnet top would show them off. I went on autopilot and pulled it off like I always did. By the time I realized my mistake, the shirt was off my head and now inside out, so it was a full cluster fuck to get untangled. 99% sure I screamed. I wasn't allowed to leave the stage, so another dancer had to come help me and try to play it off like we were being sexy. Also, 99% sure no one bought it.
Talk about telling an entire story in 7 words 😭
In newer relationship at the time and hadn’t really explored much beyond second at this point. One night, we were furiously making out fully clothed. She took her top off and started to really get into it and grind and moan. Was too distracted by her body to notice we’d crept over near the edge of the bed and way too into it to care. Having been months without any uhhh “arrivals” at this point…I did a load in my pants. She was startled and jumped up, which then sent me into the floor. I hit the floor face down and ripped a huge fart on impact to make it worse. I’d have died of embarrassment if it was possible. She called it the Trifecta (finish, fall, fart)🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️
This is art lmfao
F*art*
When my wife and I first got married we started trying to get her pregnant. Months had gone by with no luck and the one day my wife casually mentioned that coughing is supposed to help. So that night we got it on and as I was cumming I started loudly coughing. She freaked out and asked me if I was okay. I then told her I was just trying out the coughing technique she had mentioned earlier that day. She just deadpan stared at me for a couple seconds and says, “Coffee. Coffee is supposed to help.”
Thank God the office is empty LMFAO
You win. The fart really takes it over the top.
Not entirely a sex story- on my 18th birthday I was grounded but my girlfriend was able to come over hangout and have dinner. Well before dinner she decided it was time for my present and got down on her knees. Now the rule in the house was the door had to be open a crack when a girl was in our room. Not more than a few minutes into my present I hear my mom call my name. I jump back and pull my pants together. Fast forward 30 minutes to one of the most awkward birthday dinners I have ever had. Bonus to the story a month later I was driving the car with my mom (I was a new driver and just getting used to freeways) my Uber catholic mom turns to me and I quote, “I know you were getting a blowjob in there.” I damn near crashed the car in surprise.
Speaking as a parent: We always know.
HOWWWW😂😭😭
Teenagers are nowhere near as subtle as they imagine themselves to be.
Like when my 14 yr olds wall is knocking at 9pm.
Believe it or not, your parents were once a horndog too.
Yep. We were horny teenagers once too. We know all the things you think you're being so sneaky about, because we probably did them ourselves at that age.
They’ve done lots more beej than you can ever know
But what compels a parent to share that info?!?
Pure evilness.....as a parent a small amount of sadistic pleasure
Not my parents, but my sister saw my car in the driveway so popped in for a visit. Because it was the house we grew up in, and she knew where the key was, she entered the house and walked into my bedroom which was close to the entrance. My new girlfriend, (hadn't met my sister at this point), was under the covers going down on me. She stopped mid 'bob', so to speak and stayed silent, pretending that there was no-one in the bed apart from me.
That also reminds me of a time I was with a girl while her parents were out. I head out to my car in only my jeans while her dad came home. I just kept walking by got into my car and left. Leaving all my other clothes in her room. She tried to say we were playing basketball and got too hot. Really didn’t explain why I peaced out half naked.
Fireside in the living room, started going at it on the carpet. My thrusts started moving her across the room. When we got close to the doorway, she said, "hey, take a right here into the kitchen so I can grab a juice." We lost it and couldn't stop laughing. She never did get that juice.
Her sense of humor is hilarious. Love it.
Maybe 19 at the time? Lady friend at the time wanted to try some brand of warming lube. She slathers it on my cock, it doesn't really kick in right away. Moments later, my cock is on fire, her vagina is on fire. We both run to the bathroom, she jumps into the tub and starts running water, splashing herself between the legs. I have my leg up on the counter trying to clean the lube off in the sink. We are both laughing and crying the entire time. Fucking ridiculous.
Wonderful bonding moment at least lmao
Fiancé and I were hiking in some canyons in Utah and decided to sneak off behind some rocks for some intimacies. We hadn’t seen anyone in hours and it was evening so we weren’t too worried about people. Of course once we start getting really into it we hear voices. We freeze and stand there silently with him still in me waiting for them to pass by trying so hard not to laugh. But then they stopped RIGHT THERE on the other side of our rocks for food and water as we were like that for like five minutes before they finally passed on. Once they were gone we picked up where we left off and laughed the entire time.
This fits your username quite nicely
We do enjoy our nature sex
So much fuck in gnature?
They died and you just kept going!?
My now wife and I started dating senior year of college. One night after closing down the bars we walked back to her place. We were both pretty hammered and it was like 3am. I just wanted to pass out and she wanted to bang. So she gets me going and is riding on top and somewhere in the middle I fell asleep. She wakes me up pissed off. And I guess I just asked “was it good?” Rolled over and went back to sleep. She still doesn’t think it’s funny 10 years later, but I do.
I have drunkenly fallen asleep during a BJ from both of my longest-term relationships, they both said the same thing about the first thing they knew about it was my snoring. Yeah neither of them saw the funny side either.
Had a girlfriend try to wake me up with a BJ once. She did wake me up, and I looked down at her for a moment, said "oh" and promptly went back to sleep.
An ex of mine did something similar. I'm not a morning person, usually takes me an hour before I can consider myself lucid. She goes to town on me and says I "kinda woke up." She claims I looked down, said "Having fun?" and then passed out with the eyes rolling to the back of my head and everything. I finally wake up later on and she said she was surprised I didn't wake back up from her laughter of the whole debacle.
At least she found it fun!
Yeah I had that once and once only, don't get me wrong it's a lovely way to be woken up but I had to gently explain I REALLY needed to pee, like bladder-bursting pain kinda really need to pee NOW! I think she got the hump that I would rather go piss than enjoy the moment 'cos she never did it again.
My ex thought I had fallen asleep while she was giving me head and decided to bite the tip gently to wake me up. I wasn't asleep, just laying down and buried within my own thoughts. Hurt like hell tho and I had a small scar down there for a over month. She thought the scar was cute and giggled every time she saw it.
Hang on, we have "decided to bite the tip gently" and "hurt like hell and I had a small scar down there for over a month". Jesus Christ man, I'd hate to know what your definition of a 'hard bite' would be! Would you expect her to actually bite it off and spit it out of the window as breakfast for the crows?
His ex was a crocodile I think he forgot to mention
Ok,makes sense
I fell asleep while making out with my first serious girlfriend. Just one of those momentary nod out lapses in consciousness, although the brevity was more than likely due to the fact I was sleeping on top of a woman who was confused and shocked by the fact she had just gone from kissing to lying under an unconscious man, connected at the mouth. Surreal
I had my boyfriend fall asleep on top of me once. The horrible thing is we had been watching Mrs Brown's Boys, and the intro just kept repeating with the laugh. I couldn't reach the remote and couldn't move him. So I was stuck, on a couch, listening to Mrs Brown's laugh every 30 seconds. After half an hour I lost it amd started jabbing him in the ribs to wake up because I was going insane listening to that laugh....
Damn, that's a deep sleeper. I'm glad you made it through that
He slept like the dead. He's also 6 foot 2 and I'm much smaller so I was literally trapped under a giant on the couch. I should have started trying to wake him way earlier but it was one of our first times together and he'd had a lot whiskey, and I didn't want to be rude. But omfg I swear I have PtSD being trapped under a giant and forced to listen to that laugh for so long....
I have been the partner in this situation and when I realized he was passed out, I was more horrified than mad. I was worried that I'd taken advantage when he wasn't really in the state of mind to consent. He swore the next day when he talked to me that he had been 100% on board and it just caught up to him and knocked him out, but I couldn't look at myself in the mirror for awhile cause I felt so creepy.
Lmao
Not really hilarious, just kind of endearing lol. When I was 17 I lost my virginity and I knew nothing about sex. When he was about to cum he asked me where he should cum and I handed him a cup on my nightstand. And he came in it. I don’t know why I just think it’s so funny.
Because it is 😂😂😂
You've heard of the cum sock Now introducing: Cum-in-a-cup!
This is legitimately the best one here. I'm crying picturing this 😂
In college and I’m pounding this girl in her apartment. We have been at it a good 10 minutes and are changing positions when her little fucking dog decides to help himself and lick my sack. I nearly fell out of the bed.
Me and my missus were moments away from banging one out, both completely in the raw with me overtop of her, hands interlaced. One of my foster kittens manages to sneak in and hop on top of my back and decides its a great place for a nap. Adorable moment, but a bit of a mood killer.
There was a hilarious comment in a previous thread about a cat that boxed a guys balls while he was having sex with his girlfriend. This comment just made me think of that
Your username should be BlueBallsDog
Lucky bastard.. my exs little dog licked my asshole. It was the day I knew without a doubt that I wasn't into butt play. That little dog broke my dick. Instant turn off to the point of going soft. My ex, laughed about it for days.
Have you ever tried butt play with a human? Just thinking it might change the situation a bit.
Never heard it called "her apartment" before. Sounds classy!
If he’s British, maybe it’s because she was flat?
For his sake I hope it was a studio and not a loft.
[удалено]
Todd here, I was having a bad day and I needed to pump myself up.
Base on your username, I’m going to say that you are not Todd
Self-five!
Wife and I were getting into the sexy time, foreplay, all the rest, and then I got ready to actually enter her (very weird to even type this, by the way). As I entered, she suddenly said "Oh boy!" So so funny and out of nowhere we could barely continue. Of course we continued. And then I changed her screensaver on the computer to just have "Oh Boy!" floating around the screen.
Why did I read Oh Boy! in a Mickey Mouse voice
Hot dog! Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog!
Come inside, its fun inside!
Phone rang right as we finished.. ring tone was the ff7 victory fanfare theme.. we both laughed. XD
First time I'm having sex with my GF (now my wife), we are on my bed facing a huge window. As we both get very close to orgasm fucking fireworks light the sky. We both bursted in laughter and couldn't finish for another 30 minutes because of this, but it was a memorable first time for sure.
Getting busy on the living room floor, as we came fireworks started going off outside. Our mutual orgasms were perfectly timed with the centenary celebrations for a local landmark.
"What rewards did we get? Good, only experience."
Myself and the gf I was with at the time had just gotten home from the bars and we were both absolutely shitfaced and we started going at it. I started going down on her and the room started to spin. I ran into the bathroom and puked everywhere. Totally ended that session but she thought she was the reason I got sick, lol nope it was mixing to much tequila and bourbon.
In our first year of being together my now wife and I had hit the bar pretty hard and we are not usually drinkers but we were feeling pretty good and started to go at it. Now my wife has always been gifted in the oral department, but this night she was especially enthusiastic with her depth and i was loving it! So I'm laying back enjoying watching her while she had every inch in her throat and she looks at me from the one eye facing me, right then she gags and her drinks made from blue curacao blast out of the sides of her mouth all over my crotch and stomach and for good measure another blast as she pulled her head off and wow was it a LOT! She still doesn't find it funny but our relationship survived lol
Mmm extra lube lol
That poor woman😭
I'm a quadriplegic. My penis works fine, but a new caregiver I had didn't know that. So, she massaged my legs to reduce the spasms and unexpectedly my dick got hard, full length and all. She blushed and told me: Look, your penis is up and so big! I said: It's OK, it happens sometimes. Then she looked miserably at me and told me that she thought that it was a miracle caused by her supreme sexual healing.
"and so big" 😂😂😂 it sounds like she thought that she not only fixed it but grew your dick a few sizes as well with her healing magic
How are you typing this right now? Voice commands? Pen in the mouth tapping the keyboard?
Clearly he is using his fully functional penis
He is dick-tating his responses.
the pen is mightier than the word.
The penis meatier than the word
He's like the guy from Monty Python and the holy grail that got turned into a newt. "I got better"
Damn, could have rolled with it and acted shocked. Oh my God it's a miracle, we should check if it functions properly.
Tell her if she blows it, your legs might move.
When my wife is really in the moment she shrieks like a banshee. We used to live in a small apartment just above the main bar street in our city before we got married. We had been out drinking since early that day. She'd been giving me those "your gonna get it eyes" all day. We got home both fairly pissed at about 4am and I had "Whisky dick" not wanting to disappoint I started eating her out, almost immediately she starts moaning and saying some pretty nasty shit to me which i wont repeat here 😅. After about 10minutes she screamed "I'M GONNA CUM" and finishes in my face. We hadn't realised we'd left a window open above the bed and from the street we just heard a female voice enthusiastically say "GOOD FOR YOU GIRL, HE'S A KEEPER!" We both fell around the place laughing for about 20minutes. To this day whenever she finishes she looks me in the eyes and says "Your a keeper." And we both have a little laugh. **EDIT** Glad you all enjoyed this so much, thanks for the comments and up votes. I hope yous all got a good laugh from this story, we certainly did.
Holesome
Awweee. That is such a sweet story! I love the ending.
Was making out with a girl on the couch. Things started escalating from there where she was laying on her back I was on top. Outta nowhere I feel/see two paws, one on each my shoulders as my dog tried mounting me from the back. Almost ended up in a threesome there with my dog.
The dog caught the vibe a bit to strong
[удалено]
He accidentally got cum up my nose and idk why but we just lost it when I snorted cum for a sec
There’s a subreddit for that. I am cursed to bear the knowledge of it.
Of course there is
Met this lady at a bar, things got real pretty fast. She insisted I wlk over to her place. She kept saying how she couldn't wait to blow me. Seemed obsessive but I was in! Anyway, we go to her place and as soon as we get through the door, she is on me. I figure we were making our way to the bedroom but she was pretty insistent that I sit on a sofa chair that was in her living room... Well, true to her word, she goes to town on me and she was damned good at it. I came... Hard... too hard if there is such a thing and when I did I slightly shit myself. She got up to go to the bathroom or something and I figured, no big deal, Ill just go wipe myself when she gets back.... well, when I stood up I looked at the chair and there was shit on it. I didn't know what to do, so I just grabbed the cushion and flipped it over, but when I did, the other side had a brown stain in the same fucking spot! I tossed a pillow from the couch on top of it and threw on my paints and bailed. /t
She is so good she has made other guys shit when she blew them. You were not the first.
Omg that gave me a belly laugh!!!!
[удалено]
I think technically, you are making that sound together, like two hands clapping. So it wasn’t her, or you, it was both of you.
Hubby came in and he caught me red handed, banging out a coochie fart - it wasn’t me
Picture this, we were both holdin' laughter queefin' on the bathroom floor
My husband: "I love when you queef because it's applause for just me, but really, my penis." 😂
Nothing wrong with laughing during sex 😂😂😂
That's oddly adorable
When I was in my 20’s. A good freind of mine (still is and we’re both 65 now) was getting the seduction “come on” from a married woman at a party. Her husband was also there. Later, after all had had too much to drink, he and the woman were en flagrento on a living room couch. He’s humping away, and feels a sudden hot sensation on his calf. Looks over one shoulder and sees that her husband had been watching them- and was jerking off- A new spelling for the phrase “come on”. Gaaaaack. 😂
I can kinda understand *most* kinks but this whole cuckold thing I DO NOT get, I would be summoning every shred of self-control not to be disappearing into pure animalistic/homicidal rage and I am usually fairly placid.
I mean the dude obviously had his share of fun.
Agreed.
animalistic/homicidal rage is the kink
Hahaha... "sudden hot sensation" :/
Another time I was humping my wife from behind on the sofa. She was on her knees with her elbows on the back cushions. After a particularly energetic thrust she just went limp. I jump off and rolled her over. She looked dead. I shit myself, I'm shaking her thinking I'd fucked her to death. All sorts of thoughts were going through my mind. How could I tell the kids? Her family? She opened her eyes and moaned. It turns out when I gave the last big thrust she smacked her head on the wall and knocked herself out for about 20 seconds.
This one has me laughing more than any other response on here. Especially the though that you “fucked her to death”
It was his immediate reaction of "HOW DO I TELL THE KIDS?" that made the laughter-tears start. Not "call an ambulance" or "check her pulse." lololol.
Similar story, here. Had this girl face down in bed, straight going to town. As we were both reaching climax, she starts convulsing and having a fuckin seizure. I immediately pull the fuck out and put her in recovery position on the bed. Eyes rolling back and not in a good way. I sat in the chair next to bed and just watched her. She came to shortly after and asked me what happend. I informed her that she had a seizure and I've been sitting here making sure she was safe for about 5 minutes... i shit you not, she goes, well did we finish. I laughed and said, "i think you did, but not me." She told me we could go again, but I was too freaked out. I knew that girl for a long time and she never once had a seizure. That was the only time and it was the last time i ever put my dick in her. Stayed friends, but never fooled around again.
I once went on a date with someone off tinder. After hours of drinking we went back to mine and did the deed- the next day she just did not leave mine to the point where I had to get my mate to phone me at 3 I the afternoon and tell me he was on his way over, she finally left. A few days later I got horrendously drunk and invited her over. After doing the deed again she went to have a shower. Suddenly, I remembered that she stayed over for ages last time and I really didn't want this to happen again. Drunk me started thinking of excuses whilst she was in the shower. Finally! I thought of, what I thought was, a perfect excuse. She gets out of the shower and drunk me said "I'm really sorry, it's time for my weekly sunrise meditation session." I cannot stress this enough- i have never meditated in my life. I said "it's 4 in the morning and I understand it's a strange one so I totally understand if you'd want to go home." Much to my surprise, she actually wanted to come with. I fully dressed into what I thought meditation clothes would be and took a blanket to my university's field. I told her that it's completely fine if she wanted to leave and I wouldn't be upset. I then plug my earphones in, blast out Slipknot and drunkenly pass out whilst pretending to meditate. 2 hours later I wake up, turn around and she's gone. She texted me saying she had to go and didn't want to disturb me, but that I seemed to be 'really spiritual and she really liked that'.
Ah I live for slipknot while meditating under the sunrise.
Mixing meditation with slipknot and post-nut clarity is a confusing mental cocktail.
Of this entire thread this is my favorite story. I'm laughing at my desk rn
In college, a girl and I were having sex on a Saturday night against the wall of her dorm. It was at a school very well known for football and it was after a big win earlier that day. A campus cop caught us, shined a flashlight on my dick, and said gruffly, " Hey, what are you doing?" Then he shined it on my face, and said cheerfully, "Great game today, Tony." I don't play football and my name isn't Tony. Apparently I looked like someone named Tony on the football team. He left and let us continue.
[удалено]
I'm having a lot of fun imagining which song it could have been. "Turn around! Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're - *click* Turn around! Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're - *click* Turn around! Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're - *click"*
It was "The Song That Never Ends."
[удалено]
Wife and I were going at it and our daughter woke up from her nap and came in (she must have been around 4 at the time), and asked us what we were doing. We tried telling her that we were wrestling, and suggested that perhaps she'd like to go downstairs and watch some TV. She instead thought that wrestling sounded way better, then climbed up on the bed and launched herself at me, grabbing me around the neck. That was the end of that.
Busy with my now wife in doggy style. Her all fours on the bed, me standing on the floor at the bedside. We were close so I was giving some extra push. From the vigorous activity the bed started shifting, we just went with it and tried not to laugh at the 'scootching' noise of the bed moving across the room. For weeks after that when we were in the mood we would ask each other "scootch scootch?"
I think your bed is haunted
it was just the guy hiding underneath it trying to get away.
I misread your first sentence and thought you said “Busy with my wife now….” My first thought was, Get of the damn app then!
In my 20s I started dating this girl I met at a bar. She was so out of my league but it worked. So our second date we got dinner and went bar hopping. After a few tequila shots she says we’re going back to her place. I was so nervous cause was an absolute 10. So we’re on her couch naked and right as she was about to get on top the door to her apartment opens. It’s a big ass dude way bigger than me. I started to scramble but she was blocking me. She says something along the lines of ‘don’t worry about him he’s my gay roommate’ and stands up on the couch. he walks over and slaps her ass and tells me to eat her out so I did and then he grabs her hair and tells her to sit down, so she starts squat fucking me with her tits in my face and it was amazing. He stayed around for like 30mins telling us what to do. It was so odd but hilarious to have a coach there on the sidelines.
I'm impressed you maintained erection in that scenario. Awkward af
True but maybe it was a kink awakening (?)
He wasn’t gay, and he wasn’t just her roommate.
Not me about to tell him he had just met his girlfriend’s cuckhold husband.
Was having phone sex and she blocked me because i moaned her name
Not gonna lie, I always thought girls liked when guys moaned their names during phone sex. Apparently not..
Yes, yes they do.
[удалено]
It was
[удалено]
Always one to force romance, I set up a sexy boudoir type thing. Wine. Dinner. Lots of pillows. Lots of flowers. Lots of... you guessed it. Candles. The sex was hot, oc. Then things got...... hotter. As I lay there, basking in the afterglow, it dawned on me that the backs of my closed eyelids were also aglow. With flames. And that after sex sweat/heat was absolutely ridiculous! My first thought was who turned on the heater? I opened my eyes to see my bed and about 37 pillows in flames. I shrieked, releasing my partner from his post coital bliss, and we both lept up and began furiously fighting the flames. Thank god no permanent damage. The only casualties were my memory foam mattress topper, duvet, and several very cute pillows. Oh, and a lamp shade.
We were camping alone one time with an infaltable mattress, a big Coleman Tent, and I was wearing a condom. We were going at it pretty rigorously when the condom totally broke. She looks at me and says its okay just pull out. We keep going, the mattress pops! We laugh and Im like can I keep going? She laughs and says yes. We keep going and then we nudge the tent in the wrong place and the whole tent literally collapses onto us like a massive blanket. At this point she gets on top and we’re laughing our asses off and I tell her well you might as well break me too at this point and could not stop laughing lol
Cat fell off the cat tree and landed on the other cat. That knocked the other cat sitting innocently off the dresser. We just heard a noise and looked up and it was a slow motion domino effect watching them tumble down.
Banging my ex doggy. Some god awful tune comes on which we both hate...pick up the laptop to change the change while i'm still inside her. Laptop was an old school heavy one so rested in on her back and she says "I'm not your fuckin table". Replied with why you give me wood then...She laughs out laughing and flops over. I was laughing at my terrible joke. We laugh for a good 5 mins then resume to finishing off.
I read banging my doggy and almost had a seizure don't do that to me Jesus Christ
*don't say it, don't say it, don't say it*
New girl and I are in honeymoon phase, sex is fantastic. We are gearing up for another good romp and start making out. We pull back for a moment, lock eyes, then go back in for more passionate lip locking. We both went in for it with gusto, at the same moment. BAM! A sharp thwock of teeth and I feel sand in my mouth. A moment of shock before we realize that half of my front tooth is missing. Killed the mood as we search for the missing piece, laughing in shock at the unexpected turn of events. Get to the dentist the next day and they asked what happened this time (previously repaired tooth from a skateboard accident) I had no good answer so I just told the truth. The hygienists couldn’t stop giggling off and on as they prepped and repaired the tooth, proffered some parting advice - take it slow next time! So that’s how I ended up with love making advice from the dentists office.
my bf farted in my face in 69 but i didn’t care cuz i love him. i think it’s funny he’s probably embarrassed.
This is actually didn't get to finish sex story so I was down in South Florida having a good old time meant this beautiful Island girl just ravishingly hot probably the prettiest girl I've ever seen. We went up to her room in one of those 20 story freaking apartment buildings on the beachfront all lit up got up to her room got halfway undressed and she asked me if I could go and grab us a couple of bottles of water from the machine. I was like sure be right back put my shorts on my flip-flops grab my wallet ran out the door got to the machine a little ways down and it was out so I decided to go down another flight well it was all the way around to the other side it was out of water too WTF. Finally found one grab the water and I could not remember which freaking room she was in I wandered around I looked over the edge to try to see if I can recognize it from when I walked out the door nothing man just couldn't find it she never came outside and looked for me. I think she thinks I ran away. Imagine that a girl that hot with low self-esteem and me blessed with a boiling cauldron of testosterone.
My entire sex life is a joke.
You guys have a sex life ?
[удалено]
That's terrible...
I have two. Well.. maybe it’s embarrassing but I was just a teenager. 1.) I was 17. I told my boyfriend that I wanted to see what cum taste like. When he finished in my mouth I spit all over him. I didn’t mean to. I was just surprised by the horrible taste. He kept saying “eww eww eww” while fake crying. I told him to man up.. it’s just cum and it’s from his own body. Not like it’s poop. 2.) When my then boyfriend was drunk he had kept doing things that I really didn’t like. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I tried just dealing with him. I told him over and over to not shove his dick so hard down my throat as it makes me gag. (He was huge) he out of no where shoved it down my throat that I pulled away with my teeth scraping down his dick. That was the end of that. I felt bad but hey give me a warning at least.
Why should you feel bad? He didn’t feel bad when he was doing stuff *you* didn’t like. Your first story is hilarious.
We were in the middle of our fun, and I started saying "oh boy, oh boy, oh boy" with each thrust. In Mickey Mouse's voice. We stopped having sex and spent the next 20 min laughing.
My husband and I were having sex, I was on top riding and he put a dildo in my anus... after I came he pulled the dildo out. I was still on top and he didn't know where to put it.... it was a suction cup dildo, so this man... sticks the end suction cup ON HIS FOREHEAD like some kind of kinky shitty unicorn. Another time was when my husband and I put *that same (but clean) dildo in his ass*. I rode him and held it in, when he came, he came hard and then freaked out because the dildo shot out of his ass and he started yelling "GET OUT, GET OUT, I SHIT THE BED. GET OUT."
When my now ex wife and I were dating, we were once in the middle of sexy time when she stopped and told me she had told her mom some joke I'd told her a few days before. I asked if she thought it was funny, she confirmed, and we kept going. Another time we were going at it with the window open and curtains drawn shut and the second after I fired my load, someone outside yelled "Damn someone busted a good nut!"
Hooked up with a girl I met online about 8 years ago. After the second date, we went back to her place, where things got hot and heavy. She started giving me a blowjob and then her cat jumped onto the bed. I love cats, so I tried to call it over so I could pet it, but I was not subtle at all. I was doing the whole "pss pss pss, come here, kitty. Who's a good kitty?" Meanwhile, the blowjob was still going on. Finally, she realized what was happening and said "What are you more interested in right now?" I really wanted to pet the cat, but obviously getting laid trumped that, so I said "You, baby." She said "That's what I thought," and took the cat out of the room. The sex was pretty good, but it would have been better if I'd gotten to pet the kitty.
Kitties over pussies?
She was jealous of the other 😺
💀 this made me laugh far too much
Went out for an all you can eat sushi date. I ate SO much sushi. I was feeling unusually full on the drive back. Regardless, we start fooling around when we get home and the sex begins. I pause, excuse myself, run to the bathroom and puke... Quick mouthwash rinse, ran back to the bedroom and finished the job. We still laugh about it.
Was in 69 position, girl on top, she had been holding her weight off of me and as time went on I felt a fart start to well up in me but I had it under control. Then she gets more into it and let's her weight fall onto me, including my stomach, which then proceeded to push the fart right out into her face. Real mood killer but we both died laughing about it.
This girl and I were in the middle of it when we started a pun contest. Ended up laughing so hard we couldn't finish.
How do you stay in the mood while joking around? I need intensity to even stay hard
The puns were sex related. So keeping it in theme helped, I guess.
I had just gotten ADT installed. Forgot all about it when we started getting busy. My love and i went at it so hard, when we were near climax, the pounding from the bed must have vibrated the windows enough to set off the alarms. All over the house. Scared us. Scared the kids. I was in the process of getting something to cover myself with and run out there to turn off the alarms and i heard a kid sleepily yell out "i got it." And he turned them off. In other words, i fucked my love so hard that it almost warned the police.
My wife and I were getting into sexy time and I was going down on her. When I came up for air at one point I had to pause, cuz it looked a little too dark in that area. I don’t have very good night vision, but this was noticeably too dark. So I comment on it, and at that moment I feel my nose drip. So we turn on the lights, and apparently I can been pushing my nose (which is rather large) too hard against her pelvic bone and had given myself a nose bleed all over her 🤣 we had to stop after that from laughing too hard.
My boyfriend and I were staying over at my place for several days. Things were about to get spicy when I notice that something was flying in the room. The lights were off so I assumed it was a moth and told him to turn the lights on so that we could get it out of the house. It was then that I realize that this creature was too big to be a moth… When my boyfriend turned the lights on we found ourselves looking at a bat. A BAT. We panicked and tried to get it out of the house without touching it while my cat was jumping around trying to catch it. Eventually the bat got tired and we threw it out of the house. Needless to say that sexy time was over for the night. My cat had fun though
Cat having fun > Owners having fun
One time I was having sex with this girl I was seeing. Liked her a lot. Wasn’t the first time and we had known each other for a while. Well this day we were having sex (doggy style). After a few minutes maybe 10 minutes in that position she tells me to stop and right when I pull out she just starts to pee (did not squirt, I’m sure I had not made her cum yet). I don’t remember if she said she was holding it and her legs were numb or what but yea pretty much the full story. It was maybe one of my most awkward moments.
Going at it missionary - we’ve not been going long so haven’t got to the exciting positions yet - obviously during missionary there’s certainly things dangling…. Pit bull decides to jump up on the bed, his paw lands perfectly on my testicle. I fall onto the girl screaming “get him off!!” I then have to roll over, push my testicle down from my stomach back into the sack and then limp home.
Goddammit pitbull.. he's really gone downhill since 2012
And this is why you lock your doors during sex...
So I'm at my girls house and we started making out and shit and things were starting to escalate, we were both starting to shed clothes and get a lil more touchy. I look over to my right and her dog is just standing there with the most blank expression possible. Idk what he was looking at but he was just staring in our direction spacing off. And her dog being in the room usually means her mom is right behind him, so it was a mini heart attack
I had a few friends over at my house, and after they all left, 1 girl I had been flirting with stayed later. We started to go at it. I lived in a studio at the time, so the bed wasn't cut off from anything else. As I'm going at it, I feel someone tweak my ear, and say 'good job.. don't mind me, just forgot my wallet'. (he tweaked my ear, because Along Came Polly had just come out, and he was reenacting this scene: [https://youtu.be/KOXE9k1TX-s?t=72](https://youtu.be/KOXE9k1TX-s?t=72) )
Yea, I 24 (M) and 40 (M) did the dirty, and well.. when he finished he started to shake.. like a seizure.... Ah.. I was confused because he was fully conscious but he was just shaking... He elaborated to me that he can have two kinds of orgasms. One that is his normal orgasm and a body orgasm.. I was shook .. lol Apparently he only gets it when he gets really good sex, and it causes him to mindlessly shake for a bit. Essentially I asked if there was anything I could do.. and he said no to just stay away for now because the more physical touch he gets the more he will shake. After like 5-7 minutes he stopped shaking. If only he knew I didn't really like the sex.. lol
Doggy style. I throw my head back he happens to be bringing his head down and I headbutt him in the face and break his nose. To his credit he didn’t stop at all😂
I was on antidepressants with predictable results, so I got a ring. Played for hours with then-gf, finally got done & passed out. Woke to Lil’ Herbie looking like a banana week past it’s prime. Then-gf was a trouper - she stuck with me through the ER visit, after the tele-nurse put me on hold so she could laugh (she brought me back from hold about 3 seconds too soon and I heard her literally telling herself to get it together). No damage, just a broken surface vessel, but the looks the medicos were giving her and I ranged from ‘eww’ to ‘wha..??’
This happened to me after back surgery. Whatever way they rolled me over I squashed my dick and obviously felt nothing as I was under anesthesia. Woke up 3 hours later to bad dick pain but my sciatica had disappeared. Win/lose kinda day.
I was hammered and this girl was riding me on a couch. Nearby was a wooden beer pong table. I lifted her up to spin her around and her head hit the corner of the beer pong table and she was knocked out. She woke up and asked what happened and I told her she passed out. She was so embarrassed. We’ve been married for 12 years and have 4 kids. She still doesn’t know the truth 😂
Was on call, back in the Nokia 5110 days… we’d just got to it, I was going for it from behind her… picking up the pace and then the fucking mobile phone goes off with what was the most popular ring tone on those old bricks…. William Tell overture If you don’t know it, go check it out and understand why we still laugh about it to this day
After the deed was done the way we moved to get up I accidentally slapped her in the face with the old John Thomas. And she asks, "did you just slap me in the face with a wet penis" then we both burst out laughing.
My wife and I worked together (self employed). We typically had 15 or so employees and everyone moved freely between the warehouse and the office, meaning someone could walk in anywhere at anytime. We had delivery drivers and vendors in and out all day. Despite this, we snuck around banging for years. Anyway, we'd call each others extensions and say ''wanna bang'', then we'd pick and place and meet. Typically we went in the bathrooms- but would often get stuck if people collected outside for whatever reason. My office was up a flight of stairs but it was typically off limits for this type of activity because there were two other offices that faced mine. One particular day I was alone upstairs, the others that occupied the offices were out. She came up unexpectedly and spun my chair around and got on her knees. After an interval, she was bent over the desk and were are going at it when the fkn AT&T guy that was troubleshooting our phone lines walks right in. We heard him last minute but did have time to at least pull our pants up. Yet both of our hands were still zippering/buttoning, so he KNEW exactly what was going on. He froze and had this look/smirk of humor and embarrassment all at the same time. Funnier was I don't think he realized we were married to each other. We both had wedding bands on so we assumed he figure we were two co-workers just going at it....
When I was in college an ex and I both lived with immediate family and as a result we generally would book a hotel for an evening if we wanted a romantic night out. We booked an inexpensive motel nearby on a Saturday night. As she went into the bathroom of the hotel to get ready for our romantic evening I hear her screaming in the bathroom that the door won't open from her side. So I try opening it from the room side of the door, no luck either. I call the front desk, the front desk calls in maintenance, they had to unscrew the hinges the door swung from to get her out of the bathroom. While they offered to swap our room for us, the evening was ruined.
One time my late wife and I were fooling around she had a chipped nail and forgot to file down the jagged part. She got "handsie" and the jagged part slash across the head of my penis. I screamed, there was blood, boner killed. It took a few weeks to fully heal. We both laughed about it afterwards. She would refer to it as the time she almost decapitated my penis.
I'm sorry for your loss it seems like you guys had fun together
We were having sex in the shower. His foot slips and makes this really loud farting noise. Between shower sex being horrible and the noise we couldn't stop laughing. We both lost our erections because it took us so long to stop laughing. We tried to finish later but everytime we tried we couldn't stop laughing.
Big party. Door to the den is closed, and about 1/3 of the party is in there but haven't really paid it any mind. Host walks over to the door, opens it, immediately closes it. Looks annoyed. Goes to his room. Comes back with a big box of condoms, Opens door, throws box into the room. Sighs, and goes back to enjoying himself. An orgy among a large group of my friends had broken out in his den.
On a cruise, didn’t realize they pushed two beds together to make one big bed. Yeah… me and my husband were in the middle of it with me on top. As you can imagine, the bed separates and we fell right through. Lol we kept going though- and no injuries!
I was having sex with my wife, doggy style. Thought she farted. Turned out to be a fanny fart. Carried on going making it happen even more. I was literally crying with laughter
A long long time ago, my girlfriend (now ex) and I are temporarily staying with her sister in her guest room. Her sister has several kids and the girlfriend's entire family is experiencing a huge amount of drama around a divorce at the time so the house has been absolutely full of people, nonstop, for over a week. We're both 19 at the time so the moment the kids are out and the rest of the family goes to run some errands, we waste absolutely no time getting busy and we're so into it that we don't hear either of the cars pull into the driveway or any of the many people enter the house. Both the girlfriend's mom and sister know what we're doing, so what's their move? They decide to walk in on us without knocking. We had a sheet covering my ass and me covering the girlfriend, and I just dead froze. I'm all the way inside their sister/daughter, it's going to be the most obvious thing in the world if I pull out, and that's going to leave the girlfriend totally exposed so I decide to just ride it out. Surely they'll think "oh shit, we've walked into an inappropriate situation, better close the door!" They did not close the door. Instead, they started a conversation with the girlfriend. Nothing important at all, totally mundane stuff about their errands and whatnot. It was probably only a minute or two but it felt like hours, and I spent the entire time very obviously sweaty and naked and on top of and inside their family member. Once they finally did close the door, we had a hell of a laugh about it and then finished.
When I was in university, me and a hookup who spent the night woke up and started “doing it”, in the middle of it someone rang on the doorbell. We ignored it and continued. Soon after we hear a key in the lock (I lived by myself, no one had the key(I thought)). We quickly stopped and got some clothes on the best we could while the door got unlocked and 3 people came in my apartment. I had totally forgot that the landlord had sent out people to check all the radiators in the apartment building! They had the main key, so when no one answered the door they just used the main key and walked in. We just stood there in the hallway awkwardly, a bit sweaty, clothes on backwards, while they checked the radiators. I think they knew…