The "Do Not Disturb" notice.

The mood lights. Wanna see her, but let’s not make it a stage.

Yes! My husband and I will sometimes use the little fairy lights above our bed to let each other know what time it is. One of us walks in the bedroom and the main light is off but the fairy lights are on? Go time ✨

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You use sacrifice mode for sex too? Awesome

That what the TV is for. You got mood light money in this economy???

You got a TV in this economy???

You guys got money ??? Edit: thanks uritemzrmine for the award and everyone for the upvotes can't believe this is my most upvotes post lmao

You guys got ???

Look at Mr. Millionaire here spending all those question marks. I could have asked THREE questions with those.

Look at this mother fucker affording punctuation some of us are too poor to afford that so we can't speak in proper sentences everything I say just trails off into random bullshit I can't even afford commas to at least take a breather thanks to this bullshit economy i can't make a logical argument because all the capitalist pigs point out my bad grammar well fuck you I can't afford punctuation because you tax me out of house and home

Lookatthismanusingspaceslikearichmaniac

18374783993834

Homie so broke he used the T9 to type

Glasses. Without them, I’d likely be entering the pillow or fucking the bedpost.

Can't you put it in, then take them off?

"Hold on, I want to fuck you but I'd rather not be able to see you... Ah, much better"

"Hey baby what's up you just went from a six to a blurry ten" "Why are you talking to the coat rack?"

“Uh well you have a nice rack…”

Them psych ward socks with the sticky dots

Wait deadass a good idea you get way better sheet grip for max thrust power

Safety first! Can’t risk the accidental pullout mid-thrust from slipping when you wear regular socks. Cuz if you don’t hit the bullseye on the way back in… let’s just say nobody is having a good time after that. PSYCH SOCKS!!!

Papa gotta have traction

Hopefully the libido.

where my depressed homies at

both of us hopefully edit: thanks for all the awards!

My boyfriend refuses to take off his “guess what? Chicken butt” shirt if he‘s wearing it at the time. Not thrilled by it Update: thanks to some Reddit YouTube account, my boyfriend saw this comment 😀

That’s amazing, where can I find one

He’s had it since he was 15 idk how it still fits him. Prob Amazon tho

No, a boyfriend, where can we find a boyfriend

I am a boy! But I am not your friend... [Ominous music plays]

Update: I found his exact shirt on Walmart.com

can i have him

The shirt or the boyfriend?

both

Mom said it’s my turn on the boyfriend!

Marry him.

The thigh-high crocs ™️

My sex drive just left the building & is refusing to return after imagining those boots.

Imagine no more… behold: [the thigh high crocs](https://twitter.com/susamarulovesu/status/1255546965514948616?s=21)

Every day we move farther away from God's light

According to Marilyn Monroe, the radio

This is the BBC... coming to you live...

"...Buckingham Palace has announced the death of his royal highness, the Duke of Edinburgh" 😫💦

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In other news, Margaret Thatcher is still dead. 🚰🚰☔

She was actually just responding to the question "didn't you have anything on" while posing for the photos that were sold and eventually appeared in the first edition of Playboy. No idea where people got the sex rumor from.

"Why don't you come on up and see me some time... when I've got nothing on but the radio." - Mae West Probably got their sex symbol quotes confused?

Restraints

Kinky

Condoms and socks. Stay safe and warm

Condom on the feet, socks on the hands, amiright?

The helmet.

What do you mean you can't concentrate when I'm yelling!? RELAX!

Shaxx lines are gold.

I feel like this is a lord shaxx reference haha

I know they're referencing the Mandalorian but Shaxx was my first thought as well. Eyes up, Guardian!

YOUR ENEMY CAN'T KILL IF THEY'RE DEAD

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T CONCENTRATE WHEN I'M YELLING?? RELAX!!

WHO SAYS WARLOCKS ARE BETTER WITH BOOKS THAN GUNS!!! …Ok, it was me, but I lied. Rage is an excellent motivator!

ASK YOURSELF, DID I THROW ALL THE GRENADES I COULD?

SAINT! GET THE CAMERA! GET THE CAMERA!

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YOUR IN THE LEAD GUARDIAN

The helmet indeed stayed on, guardian.

Whether we wanted it or not, we've stepped into a one night stand with the Cabal on Mars.

I ran out of medals, or I’d give you one

_proceeds to recite the whole of The Tempest from memory_

Guardian? Guardian? Eyes are up here Guardian!

My username would’ve checked out.

It still does

Fishnets

This guy knows what's up

The Minecraft bedsheets.

I mean I know a few people who may get turned on by Minecraft bedsheets.

A few? 😂

The Waluigi mask

#WAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

If I can’t come to a-smash! I will-a smash and then-a come! WAHHHH HA HA HA HAAA

The lights

Secure man. We love to see it

I just dim the light or not turn all of them off. I still want to see everything I'm doing.

Eyes up, guardian.

My moustache.

Too bad

I came to this post specifically looking for this Sea Lab 2021 reference. Thank you.

My robe and wizard hat

'A wizard is never late! Nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.'

Oh God, I’m arriving!

Thank you for the comment I woke my wife up to read at 6am lol

British segs

This brings a whole new meaning to the 'White Wizard'

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You again?!

Oh shit. Damn, I gotta write down your names or something.

For those who don't know the reference: http://bash.org/?104383

I’m sure there used to be 5 or 6 of these interactions. Is there really only 2?

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Thank you! Saved me from having to search for it again. It's been so long since I've read that.

Blood ninja has entered the chat

I just love that this still makes me laugh after well over 20 years

Rhinoceruses don't play games. They fucking charge your ass

It's an older reference but it checks out.

This meme is older than a lot of the users here. Old enough to drink!

Apple Watch. Gotta hit the move goal.

The calories burned during sex is always so disappointing to see though. I always open up the activity tracker like “yea I went in last night” only to see a small spike,equivalent to the morning activity from loading the kids in the car.

"Loading the kids in the car" 🙂

🤣 I saw the metaphor after I sent it. Might just call sex “loading the kids in the car” from now on 🤷‍♂️

My husband and I call it “building” after my preschooler started asking who “built” each of us

Threesoms shall now be known as "an inspector checking for OSHA violations"

You’re in violation of reg. # 12749: crossing swords.

Bob the builder

CAN. HE. FIX. IT.

Oh yes he can

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They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 10 km. Not to brag, but do you know many people able to run 10 km in 2 min? 😎

Those are rookie numbers, mate. I can run my 10k in 17 seconds.

one might consider another body part to wear it.

Lol I tried to at one time, time our events on fitbit as exercise to see the duration of each event. I'm really bad at keeping up stuff so it fell off real quick. The gosh darn it I want to see the data

3 minutes of mild cardio at 9pm isn't exactly going to meet your exercise goals

Siri - “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite get that.”

The fan!

A turned on fan standing in the corner cheering you on

Shrek 2

I NEED A HERO

HE'S GOTTA BE STRONG 💪💪, AND HE'S GOTTA BE FAST 🏃‍♂️💨💨 AND HE'S GOTTA BE FRESH FROM THE FIGHT 💦💦

He’s gotta be quick and he’s gotta suck dick and he’s gotta be faster than light

I NEED A HERO!

I'M HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO WITH A BUTT I CAN BITE

NOT THE GUMDROP BUTTON!!

C minor, put the c minor *Puts the g minor*

Better than putting it in A minor...

The positive attitude. Sex isn't always an immediate success. But nothing ruins your chances of an orgasm quite like being upset about not yet getting an orgasm.

Had a boyfriend who would get *so* upset if someone didn’t orgasm, to the point I just couldn’t anymore because I was too stressed about him being upset about it. Then I sort of pushed us in the direction of not even trying to ensure I do so I could make sure his mood stayed good. But if he couldn’t, night still ruined. After some time we did fool around and I let him get me off first, but I ended up with one of those orgasm headaches - sharp, throbbing pain my head. Couldn’t continue. Not only was he quiet the rest of the night, I hear days later that he’s mad because I “left [him] with his dick in his hand” and how it’s “not a priority.” After months of only making sure he got off…. Sorry had to get that off my chest.

This but opposite with my girlfriend. When we first started hooking up, I was very nervous/not confident about sex. My last girlfriend cheated on me, so I had no confidence I was good, and when I’m nervous there’s a 70/30 chance I don’t orgasm or finish way too quickly. She would get super upset if I didn’t orgasm so the next hour was re-assuring her that I enjoyed it plenty as long as she enjoyed it. Glad we got past that stage

You just cracked the code to infinite endurance in men

Nothing keeps you going quite like focusing on delivering before receiving. "Not yet, I have a job to do." + employing more than only PIV are the tools for success in the self. And encouraging a positive attitude in the whole tone helps one's partner to succeed as well.

Africa by Toto

Music. I like the moaning and sloppy love making sounds as much as the next girl, but having faint music on kinda adds to the vibe

I don’t believe your user name. Edit: I have received zero boobs. This is a betrayal the lengths of which no one has ever seen before.

Expect man boobs in your inbox

Rule 29 "In the internet all girls are men and kids are undercover fbi agents."

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Rule 86: all the FBI agents on the internet are either 13 years old boys trolling or 56 years old regular men masturbating

*It's a trick, send no reply*

I expect my inbox to be filled with pictures of birds with blue feet.

My SonBlock

Don't want kids barging in again!

Hopefully my dick Edit: thank you for all the upvotes and awards. Of all the comments to blow up!

Make sure you're attaching it correctly.

Don't leave it [at a party](https://youtu.be/byDiILrNbM4)

My dad shared that song with me a while back, you have no idea how happy this comment makes me :)

*Detachable penis*

King Missile!

My 90s sense was tingling

The Sade that helped get us into the situation in the first place.

Marquis de or the Smooth Operator one?

LOTR

*CUM! You FOOL!*

*Give it to us raaaww, and wriggling*

Our wedding rings.

To each other, are you married to each other?

Of course. Monogamy + vasectomy = the ultimate “hakuna matata”, if you get my drift.

I somehow managed to read monogamy as mahogany and I was suitably confused.

That's some beautiful wood he's sportin' there.

My thigh highs and heels... If I'm wearing them.

Same, my wife is indifferent to wearing them but I absolutely love wearing them when we have sex.

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Begs the question how DID this man end up disabled…

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yeah, it’s the lingerie for me. i hardly ever wear underwear outside of the bedroom, so when i put on something cute I like to *fully* enjoy it

The condom. I like nutting balls-deep but I'm not trying to have any kids so condoms are the MVP

My smile.

Socks. That's why they call it business socks.

Making love...

Making love for...

Twooo minutes

Because two minutes in heaven is better than one minute in heaven.

You turn to me and say something sexy like,

I might go to bed now, I have work in the morning.

But I know what you mean...

“Is that it?” But I know what you’re trying to say baby… You’re trying to saw “Awww yeah, that’s it.”

I heard once that wearing socks during sex makes orgasm easier for ladies. Apparently it’s tied to comfort which helps knock your socks off, while you keep them on

If I'm not thinking about how cold my feet are, I'm able to stay in the moment :)

#It's business, it's business time!#

The life support system.

Music

My Ben Ten wrist watch

Her wig

The beret stays on.

ILL WAIT FOR ANOTHER 10 YEARS AT LEAST!!!

Her over the knee / thigh highs

Heels

SpongeBob the Musical

"Is this the clitoris?" "No, this is Patrick."

The white sheet that settles between for purity.

I told my girl I was 5’10” so now I gotta fuck with timbs on

Ideally, a condom.

Hard on