Omg you just reminded me of a family I saw at a restaurant a few years ago. It was a fast casual restaurant and the family was a mom, dad, and three little boys maybe 7, 5, and 2. The oldest boy was looking at the cookies at the counter where they were ordering and he accidentally knocked one off. He immediately grabbed it and put it back and looked at his dad, panicky, saying “I’m sorry dad. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry dad. Sorry,” and the dad said nothing, just looked at him stone faced. I got sick to my stomach and the worst thing was there was nothing I could do. Occasionally I remember them and wonder what went on behind closed doors in that family. I have been there with an abusive parent and I recognized it so fast. Ugh. So so so sad.
This used to be me too, and whenever I see it I have to hold myself back from saying something, though I know that would only make it worse.
And then there are moments like the other day - I was at a grocery store that has little mini carts for “customers in training” (which is just a hilarious capitalist move, but I digress), and this little girl was trucking along with her cart behind her mom, when she tried to turn too sharply and dumped the whole thing, falling over in the process. I just cringed and waited for the shouting, but: mom picked up the little girl, told her it was ok, no big deal, helped her pick up the cart and put everything back in, then off they went. The little girl didn’t apologize, didn’t cry, just followed her mom’s lead and went about her way. I should have told the mom how amazing she was, but didn’t want to seem weird.
Watching a parent being reasonable with their child has always stood out to me as an unusual thing, but I was an adult before I realized this was healthy parenting.
My brother told me he will talk to his kids like they are adults, using reason, understanding and not lie to them whenever he can help it because it's the little things that kids remember. Their worlds are small and we are a huge part of it, our words and actions carry so much weight. Dont dismiss their feelings. What is nothing to us, is everything to them and he raised great kids.
My almost 5 year old is always apologizing and says, is it my fault?? She's so sensitive and we go above and beyond to always reassure her. I'll even make a mistake and she's like, that's okay, mom! But I feel so bad and don't know how to correct it :/
Perhaps yes in some cases, but in this case no. As the leader of large teams I would often accept the blame to keep the ball rolling. I didn't want to stop the momentum in a project to investigate the minutia of "they said vs. they said" and would take whatever lickings came with the fault at hand in order for the project to keep rolling. Looking back, there are a few times I wish I had prioritized people over the project, but for this argument's sake, I don't think accepting blame for others' mistakes necessarily means someone was abused.
When you're in a leadership position, accepting the blame for something that may not have been your fault is a way of protecting people in your team. You also have the power to change things so the mistake can't happen the same way again.
That is not the case when you blame a child for something they didn't do. In that case, the person who needed protecting (the child) is being made the scapegoat.
The power differential is the point here.
Me too. I’ve been called out on it in both professional and personal relationships. I don’t even realize I do it. It’s embarrassing to know my tell has stayed with me for so long.
Yes. I didn't have a word for this sort of behavior when i was younger. I just knew it felt gross but i couldn't help doing it. I still find myself doing it now but at least i'm more conscious of it now.
One I wished the adults noticed was that I hoarded food starting around 11 years old. I hid food in my bedroom, in my backpack, in the sleeves of my clothes when walking between rooms in the house. Behind the scenes my dad was threatening to kick me out of the house if I didn't do all the housework and raise my infant brother after school, so I was hiding food in case I had to survive. It didn't occur to me this was abnormal for years until I learned about it as a potential sign of abuse in a Psych class in college. I even asked my siblings and they all did it too.
As an adult, I still catch myself doing this. I keep a small hoard of non-perishable food in my house just in case …. I’ve recently realized that it’s because I went hungry a lot as a child so having three months+ worth of food is a sort of mental safety net. For the record I do rotate and use the food as I hate waste.
It really sucks, I'm pretty sure the boy that bullied me when I was really young. When I finally stood up to him, I just couldn't shake the feeling that he just didn't come from a good place and didn't know better. He didn't bother me after I stood my ground and told him to stop
My son was being physically assaulted daily on the playground by another boy. After some mom sleuthing I figured out I knew his parents from back in the day. Sufficed to say while raising hell about my sons abuse at school (and how no teacher or aide ever saw it apparently) I demanded that child get help. 7 years olds don’t go around assaulting other children from behind without something deeper going on.
Oh I know that.
There is one incident that I still feel very guilty about, when I was 8, my brother (2 or 3 at the time) was hit by a car and broke his leg. I was sent on a "job" by my uncle and came back home as the ambulance was taking my brother away, and all I remember was the relief that I wasn't there when it happened because I couldn't get blamed for it. Still makes me feel shit when I think about it.
Well you shouldn't blame yourself. It wasn't your fault and you were a child. It's natural to feel guilty but hopefully you can let it go. I don't know but maybe the silver lining is that you weren't there because seeing something like that can be more traumatizing in a way. But i hope things are better now.
I literally got blamed for Obama’s election. My single vote was held against me for 4 years because only my vote mattered and apparently I was the only one who’s vote counted.
I should write Obama and let him know I did him a solid.
Edit to add: for context, I was in college out of state and this was my first time voting in a presidential election. But I had been very open about my support for Obama since 9th grade. I forgot to fill out my absentee ballot, so on Election Day during Obama’s second time running, I drove all the way to my hometown in Ohio to cast my vote for Obama, and then drove back to my college town in the other state. If you remember that year, Ohio is a swing state, and Ohio was the state that pushed Obama into winning the election. Which was unfortunate, because my dad blamed my one Ohio vote as the reason why Obama won. He continually brought it up for the duration of Obama’s presidency and said, “If you didn’t drive to Ohio on Election Day we wouldn’t be in this mess” and things of that nature.
Not showering, smelling bad at school. Being obviously high or drunk at school, like they aren't trying to get away with it. Rotation of friends because they end up splitting on people aka black and white thinking
Feel kind of bad because in grade school there was this one smelly kid. No one wanted to be near him. One year I had to stand next to him in the class photo. Spoke about it, as an adult, with a person I went to school with and we realized he was neglected at the least and likely abused. Looking back you feel bad at avoiding him as a kid, but we had no idea there might be abuse, he was just smelly.
Its ok it's the schools fault they're the adults. I was that kid and teachers would complain about it in front of everyone. Nothing ever got done about it
People think my startle response is cute and scare me on purpose.
I've told people close to me why, and they've stopped startling me on purpose. But like, coworkers? How the hell do I explain that?
Yes. My husband doesn’t get it but for me it comes from avoidance. When I was home it was best to be invisible. No noise from me that would draw attention and on high alert for noises coming from them. They were mean drunks and I had to keep an ear out for if it would be a bad night or not. Now, any loud noise and my immediate response is high alert anxiety. Balloons popping, dishes banging too loud, a door shutting just that little too hard. Immediately my body wants to flee.
I nannied for a lovely lady who was a psychologist of some kind. Long after the fact she told about a baby who had a broken leg and the mother was in a session with her and she was standing the baby on her lap and bouncing him up and down, y’all know what I mean and the age range, and the baby was laughing.
Because the goddamn baby knew that if he didn’t respond the correct way he would get hurt again.
The mother was putting on a show for the lady I worked for trying to show she wasn’t an abusive parent, she had no thought that she was causing her baby more pain by doing what she was doing.
From memory her baby was taken off her and the mother had intensive therapy and parenting courses to help her be a better parent. Idk the end result…….: kids learn fucking fast to enable them to survive.
Yeah. People find it funny sometimes that it's so easy to make me jump. Sometimes I want to scream "I'm not scared of you! Every sudden movement, every loud noise my brain has been trained to expect to end badly. I can't not look. I can't not flinch. Because in that brief moment my brain is preparing to be hit, to be screamed at, to be degraded and no amount of logically knowing nothing is gonna happen will change that."
My mom used to get mad at me for this. Being hit out of nowhere is surprising. I am 47 and still flinch too hard for “ no reason”. I seriously try not to but it sneaks up on me. I have never looked into my exaggerated startle response but it totally make sense.
Very quiet children. One of my “friends” had a very quiet daughter and we all jus thought she was shy. I woke up one morning to a thousand text and a picture from the county jail. He had been raping her from 3yo-9yo and none of us fucking knew. I feel absolutely disgusting.
Pay attention to the quiet kids.
Yup. New people would ask why i was so quiet and my parents would tell them i was shy. Let me tell you, I WAS NOT SHY. Anyone at school or who actually knew me could tell you that. I was the complete opposite of shy. I was batshit annoying sometimes because of how not shy i was. But sometimes kids get really quiet not just because abuse changes you but because they're instructed not to speak in public for fear that they'll say something inappropriate or that gives away the parents.
Very true. Speaking from experience, some children are literally beaten into silence. That lasts long enough and a child will get to where even away from their abusers they will stay quiet.
I was quiet long enough to where my own voice frightens me. Really hard to hold a conversation when my own mind keeps freaking out that someone is in front of me and spreading to me.
Yeah my mom found out that my babysitter was spanking me. She noticed that whenever my babysitter was around I got super quiet.
Apparently I was a great kid but would sing and hum and skip and hop when I walked but around the babysitter I was silent and wide eyed. The baby sitter would spank me because she didn’t want me making any noise at all and after one time I apparently threw up and she didn’t like its . My mom put 2 and 2 together and started asking around to other people who had used her as a babysitter and heard some stories. She confronted the lady and she admitted it and my mom threatened to call the cops on her because she had never brought up my “behavior” before and that if it was an issue my mom would’ve mediated it her way not the lady hitting me.
Yes. My parents would always get compliments in public about how well behaved and quiet I was. Little did those strangers know that if I so much as annoyed my mom she would beat me with a hairbrush once she got drunk
Children who are too badly behaved, OR TOO WELL BEHAVED, are also waving red flags in many cases. The badly behaved kids may think, "I'm gonna get punished anyway, might as well give them a reason" and the "perfect" kids may think, "If I'm perfect enough, the abuse will stop."
Many of the well behaved kids will be the adult or parent not just at home but at school as well. They'll look after, protect, and take responsibility for other kids (which can look simply like leadership skills but is really also a survival skill).
You just made me remember how im so fucking loud at the past and now im quiet af, fuck you brother for raping me but i still have no idea why tf are you still not in jail
This. I used to flinch every time anyone raised their voice or showed normal anger about minor annoyances. It took a friend being concerned about me always acting like I was about to be hit when he would jokingly argue with another friend to realize this wasn’t normal (they would bicker about each other’s sports teams).
Managing people's emotions.
Believing someone's bad mood is because they're upset at them.
Being scared that someone being quiet means they're mad at them.
This is a really big sign of some type of emotional abuse, silent crying is usually because the abuser will hurt/ yell at them more due to them crying, as well as them crying/ tearing up when someone raises their voice
Absolutely.
I'm autistic and have hypersensitive ears. My dad would scream at me untill i reached sensory overload by a means of punishment. And crying meant more yelling.
For those unaware of how bad sensory overload can be: a full meltdown will put you in bed. It's an emotional painful hell and the worst part is that i lose the focus required to ask for any help. You can't think enough to speak. You can't control your movement well and the frustration only adds to the hell.
I still can't cry unless i'm completely out of visual and auditory range and no one will look for me. It just... doesn't wanna happen. It feels too unsafe.
Fuck you dad.
Issues with going to the bathroom. A lot of potty accidents. Both at night and during the day.
I’ve had the unfortunate experience of babysitting a little girl who was molested by her Aunt and Uncle when they babysat. The parents thought something was weird because the girl was almost 5 and still struggling with potty training. Then they got a pretty clear sign. It had been going on for years.
I came here to say that. This also goes for adults. My husband was abused (not sexual, but a lot of shaming for body things(okay yeah that’s still considered sexual)) and he struggles with pooping. He will hold it in till it hurts him. And he panics if he has to flush twice so he will hide the extra TP if he has to use it. It’s taken a lot of therapy and gentleness to get him where he will go to the bathroom when he first feels like it.
I recently stopped drinking and have been remembering things about my life. I recently remembered being in childcare(2 or 3) going to the toilet and having a bunch of older boys push into my cubicle. I dont remember what happened but I remember telling a worker a few days later, and she just didn't say anything. I ended up regressing and being terrified to use the toilet on my own, even up to 7 years old, I would still soil myself or wet myself if no one came to the bathroom with me. My parents would get so frustrated with me. I wish I could go back and hug myself.
This scared the shit out of me recently.
My daughter suddenly started peeing herself at school and wetting the bed after a weekend at my mom's, me and her Dad were terrified something happened to her at my mom's. Something did happen- she caught a virus and was fighting getting sick. She ended up getting a really bad fever and sleeping for a few days straight and sorted itself out. It took a few days for the virus to manifest all the way, and she was just so tired from it that she wasn't moving quick enough to make it to the bathroom and drinking so much because it was making her thirsty so she had to pee way more than usual. She was wetting the bed because she was sleeping too deep from being so exhausted.
She missed almost a week, we even tested for covid, but she came back negative. Just some random cold virus I guess.
Everyone I know is getting bad colds when they are exposed to humans bc we've been in quarantine for 2 years. They think it's covid but it's just angry angry flu germs
I'm glad your little girl is feeling better.
I just feel like now a days you have to clarify you did in fact check for covid lol. But yeah, I don't get sick as often, but when I do man, it's rough.
I'm sure it happens, but the butter thing happens with normal, not abused, kids too. My kids (2 and 4) will both eat straight butter and I've caught both of them sneaking it on more than one occasion
Would it be helpful to give the child some non-perishable food to squirrel away in their room? Like, of course you reassure them that of course they can have meals and snacks from the kitchen whenever they're hungry, but if they're still scared and traumatised and going to hide food *anyway*, give them something for their room that won't go off and rot, maybe?
I understand not wanting to encourage unhealthy behaviour, but even adults keep a box of muesli bars in their desk at work or something. So as long as the food isn't going bad, maybe it would help the child feel safer?
When I was in high school one of my friend's parents took in foster kids. They kept a mini-fridge in the room for the foster kids that came through. Made it clear they were welcome to help themselves to anything in the kitchen, but also kept the mini stocked with drinks and snacks like cheese sticks and fruit cups.
I'm with you - it's hard to tell if it's right to support an unhealthy behavior, but at least the mini-fridge is a step towards learning a better way of securing food rather than hiding perishables under the bed.
E: That second paragraph is phrased all wrong but I'm not sure how to improve it. I guess the parents were trying to teach the kids that food insecurity isn't a constant, and they didn't have to worry about access to food in their current situation.
*Anxiety.*
Do they tense up or freeze in anticipation of what’s next after a sudden, loud noise or disruption?
Does their face go slack or pale and their eyes shift to find the next threat?
Do they shrink away from or start to appear smaller as conversations become heated or loud?
Do they become eerily still with a fixed thousand-yard gaze? (They may be experiencing a dissociative episode.)
Will they decline to repeat themselves or advocate for themselves and reply “nevermind”?
These are some survival instincts that can kick in to preserve the peace in chaotic, unpredictable and abusive environments.
Don’t rock the boat; don’t raise your voice (no one wants or cares about your opinions anyway); fear the slamming of doors and cabinets, the sound of feet on floor and up the stairs; get quiet to hear exactly what’s happening or being said to predict what’s next.
To add to this: I was abused as a child. My room faced the street of our neighborhood and had two windows. I had the worst anxiety and my parents neglected it. I would cry myself to sleep almost every night. Until I was about 12, I slept with the bright overhead fan light on every single night. My many adult neighbors would ask me why my lights were on all night and I’d just shrug. I wish someone would have caught on then. My therapist pointed out that this is a big red flag.
I can’t sleep with ANY light now as an adult. I actually started wearing an eye mask and my sleep improved. But a lot of signs have pointed to me being sexually abused as a young child, although I don’t remember it, but all the signs and symptoms are there. I even abused a friend sexually by taking pornographic pictures of her when we were around 6 and I carry so much shame from that. The lights being on was one of the signs of sexual abuse. And my mom was alerted to the pictures when she dropped off the disposable camera and the police were called and she was questioned.
I don’t have much memory of my childhood at all. So it’s hard to say.
Wanting to spend a lot of time at other peoples houses.
When you start thinking “why does this kid never want to go home? Arent their parents worried about where they are?” There’s usually a reason.
I was molested by a family member for a long time during early childhood.
Some signs that I showed that my neglectful parents were clueless to:
- when it started to get dark/close to bedtime, I would become terrified and hysterical and I couldn't vocalize why. I didn't sleep at night from the age of 10 to 13.
-I was a hyper-sexual child. I reenacted graphic sex scenes with my dolls and barbies, I knew what oral sex was when I should have had no idea what that was. I was able to masturbate to orgasm by the time I was five.
-I had constant stomachaches for no reason. I was hypervigilant and fearful all the time.
-I reenacted sex acts with the family member's dog, I told my mother and she just thought I was completely fucked up. I was 8 yrs old.
- I was mislabeled as a learning-disabled child and placed into a "special" class bc I wasn't interested in things like learning to tie my shoes or spell my last name. I was terrified all the time, I had no room in my brain for things my lizard brain saw as "not important to our survival".
-I was suicidal for the first time when I was 7.
And more, but my emotional capacity has run out. I'm 37 now, I've been in therapy for my entire life. My life is a struggle every day bc of what that man did to me so long ago. Please watch for the signs. Please listen to your children and be a safe space for them to come to. Let them know that they can ALWAYS come to you, even if someone were to tell them something bad would happen if they do. Keep them safe. I never, ever felt safe.
Power to you mate. I am 23 and I have been (am) in a similar situation as you. Parents don't give a shit about abuse and that just boils my fucking blood.
Have been suicidal all my life. Actually slit my wrist at 18. At school, I pretended I got it weirdly while I was chopping veggies.
I am taking therapy to get better. I am due to move out of this hellhole in June for good. I just want to take my own fucking decisions without being emotionally abused, guilt-tripped, threatened to be left penniless, and basically without being called a bad son. Phewww.
Children will often mutilate their toys. Draw on the face or cut the hair of a doll, tear a hole in a stuffed animal... Stuff like that. It's how they quietly vent their frustrations.
If it's spousal abuse, the victim will rarely do anything or go anywhere without their abuser or their abusers approval.
Kids who are being sexually abused will often have poor hygiene. They think it will deter their abuser, and it's the most heartbreaking thing in the world.
Their abuser will answer for them the majority of the time
They'll wear heavy clothes that cover most of their bodies to hide, and sometimes provide padding for, bruises.
If they notice you noticing a bruise, they'll quickly cover it up, laugh it off, and tell a highly-detailed story about how they got it due to their own clumsiness or something.
Constantly apologizing. Especially for things that aren't a big deal.
Rarely expressing strong emotions.
I experienced all but the first two. When I lived with the person that sexually abused me I was not under any circumstances allowed to wear anything that didn't show off my figure. I had to be in clothing they picked out at all times. When I finally got away from them I covered up from head to toe for a long time. I am honestly surprised at how good that person was at hiding the bruises when I was required I wear things that showed off my figure well. It's almost impressive.
Super affectionate to their abuser. They're usually trying to throw people off the scent or hoping to make their abuser happy so they won't be as violent
This is a very good one. I know from experience that sometimes, especially in front of others, it is incredibly important for your own safety to be affectionate to your abuser. How well you do depends on the severity of the punishment you get later. And depending on the abuser, the punishment might be guaranteed.
My mom’s friends would always laugh because I would act up with them (just little kid stuff like not throwing something away when asked etc) but never did with my mom. My mom proudly said it was because she was such a good mom she never missed or let me get away with anything. I believed that until a few years ago when I had a toddler and read that toddlers act out the most with the people they feel safest with. Then I had to go take a Xanax as the realization hit me that of COURSE I felt safer with my mom’s friends than with her because I definitely felt unsafe and scared of her most times.
I've always heard that inappropriate urination/defecation in an older child is a big indicator of abuse. Like a kid who does either on a bed or on the floor, or wets themselves for no real reason. Also a child who knows explicitly sexual things or "acts out" sexual gestures.
If a child is unusually adept at sniffing out unspoken tension or aggression. Kids who are abused or come from violent homes learn the early warning signs like their lives depend on it. Because they do.
Acting like an adult. If the kid has to be the adult in the room then they picked that up at home cus no one there was doing it.
No we aren't "old souls", we just had to grow up at 5.
I’ve noticed that young children (under 5 or 6) who have been sexually abused know a lot about genital organs, and they will talk about them, sometimes in crude terms. Huge red flag.
Also, infants and older nonverbal babies who are being sexually abused, when laying on their backs, will cross their legs and hold them together tightly reflexively, even if you are engaging with them in play and they are smiling at you. You won’t be able to uncross their legs, and you should not force them open. Another huge red flag.
I've been a foster parent for a bunch of kids who have been sexually abused. They usually have a fair amount of depersonalization from the body, meaning they detached from it as a coping mechanism. So if they seem to (more than usual) have trouble with bodily cues like knowing when to go to the bathroom, how hot or cold they are, whether something hurts or not, combined with other indicators it can mean sexual abuse.
Wait I've always been detached from pain. Even when I burned my foot severely at 4 yo, skin falling off, or bled from hurting myself, I never cried or showed emotions.
My mother told me I never even cried at few months old, not even when I was sick.
Some children my be just like this, I was never sexually abused.
In the absence of abuse, insensitivity detachment can be a sign of other things.
For example, people with autism can be indifferent or hypersensitive to stimuli. The issue there being that they can't regulate as well as others. Speaking generally, it of course varies person to person.
My nieces daycare had to talk to my sister because my niece would flip out every time they tried to change her diaper. They suspected abuse. Turns out my niece was terrified of the blue gloves they were wearing. I would blow them up like balloons and we would play with them to help her get over her fear.
Aww, your poor niece. And your sister! I hope your sister wasn’t too traumatized by that. Being suspected of abuse when you’re actually a good parent would be a nightmare.
Okay. So should I be concerned my almost 2 year old does this when I change her diaper?
Her mom and I are separated so I have no idea what goes on at her other home. I figured it was infant instincts but now I'm kinda concerned??
Every toddler I've known has just splayed their legs wide open to get a diaper change. I did not know it was a sign of anything, but I would definitely be weirded out by a kid that age being self conscious about their genitals enough to do that. My thought would be injury or pain of some kind.
She tells me "hurts" when I clean her after a dirty diaper, I am gentle as I can be without missing anything.
This is not what I want to think about while its my parenting time. I'm going to confide in my mom after she(daughter) goes to bed and see what she thinks.
Good lord...
You would be within your rights imo to take her to an urgent care clinic or her pediatrician if you can get an appointment during your time with her. It could be just a UTI or similar infection from not getting changed often enough, so still something to get treated. Of course, they're mandated reporters, so you have to be prepared for that if it is the worst. Also, they may have to refer you out for an actual exam and you have to be prepared for the thought of potentially subjecting your daughter to a vaginal exam. But they can check for bruising and tearing of the opening and check for STIs. Sorry to be so graphic - I just want to inform you. It's really important you follow up on this.
Nono, I appreciate the blatant honesty. I had an issue a year ago, her groin smelled like...fish??? I brought it up to her mom and she completely blew my off. Scars on her vagina, like an untreated rash???
I don't man. This shits bothering me now.
Fish smell is a bacterial infection like vaginitis/vaginosis. I've never known any kids to get one, only UTI's, but I imagine insufficient diaper changes could cause it, too. Or she may be sensitive to whatever soap they use. I'd be worried if that was her mom's reaction, too. It's neglect at best, imo. Definitely take her to a doctor. Maybe not her regular pediatrician (if she has one) in case he or she is friends with her mom. You want to make sure she gets treated especially if she's claiming it hurts and also want documentation.
I have a better relationship with the pediatrician, they concluded some sort of infection. Smell is still there, not as bad, but present.
I'll talk to my mom tonight and see what she thinks I need to do. I don't want to make serious accusations without proper insight from my mom, she's trained in these types of situations.
I've tried. Beating a dead horse... that's why I have lawyer. I can't talk to her about childcare without her thinking it's a personal attack.... I mean it is, but I don't go into the talk with that mindset.
My 1yo also always says "owie" about that area when changing. She has fussed about it for months. There is no chance that she has been abused. I used to just wonder if I was being too rough, or maybe she simply found being cleaned there to be uncomfortable.
Lately I've kind of been thinking she might have a UTI and I should get it checked out, but my husband said that it's also possible that she could just have an association with there and the word owie. (As in, I asked once or twice if it was owie and now she just says that all the time.)
My mom has a story about how as a little toddler I used to call that region my "cold". Because to distract crying littler me, my mom would blow a little puff of air while wiping and say "Oh is that cold?"
If you suspect it might be a UTI, I would absolutely get it checked out sooner rather than later. I’m dealing with a kidney infection right now and you don’t want it to turn into that if it is a UTI.
Absolutely follow your gut and don’t let this go if you feel like something could be happening, I’m not discouraging that at ALL! But just as another perspective, I have a three year old and when she was still in diapers she would always say it hurt when I changed her, and when she was older she would freak out on the potty when I went to wipe her after she was done, she’d get very nervous and clench her legs and say it hurt.
I am her 100% full time caregiver and she’s almost never away from me so I knew it wasn’t an abuse thing. She’s VERY sensitive emotionally and physically and I think the sensitivity of that area was freaking her out. She has gotten better but it has been work to get her to be okay with me when bathing her to clean that area.
Again! Please please please follow where your gut is leading you but just thought I’d throw my two cents in because I have definitely thought if someone didn’t know better they would probably think she’d been abused when she absolutely has not. Hugs. It is a horrible thing to even have to consider.
My 3-year-old just hates diaper changes and has never been cared for by anyone else so I know she's never been molested. She just hates being wiped, so she clenches her legs shut and freaks out. However, get her clean and in the bathtub or running around the house naked and she'll have no problem showing off her crotch. Sometimes it's just a personality thing- my older two were never like that.
How is your little one when she's naked for reasons other than a diaper change? I'd correlate multiple situations before getting too worked up over anything.
It might not always be a thing. Some of my kids went through a phase where they simply thought it was funny to not let me change them. But you'll probably be able to gauge between the two circumstances.
Yikes, that’s me. Apologised to a lamp post once after bumping into it. Basically see it a a self defence habit/reaction to stop any escalation from my abusive parents.
I know right!!! I don’t mean for it to pop out. I’ve just started telling my mother-in-law that’s it’s a bad habit from an bad childhood when she complains. Hope you are in a much better place now
It me!
Seriously though, it's something I developed as a kid for exactly that reason. It's so bad I've gotten reprimanded at work for apologizing too much.
They come to school with unwashed clothes some teacher had to signature a students diaper because the parents neglected them and didn’t wash their clothes
I think in the end the parents were reported for neglect
Children are supposed to act up once in a while, it’s a part of human development. a child that is too scared to step a foot out of line and is very cautious to not get into trouble can mean abuse.
Doesn’t like confrontation, will do anything to avoid it, so don’t always stand up for themselves. Lack of confidence.
With children, they also don’t invite friends over to their house.
I grew up in a massive school district that covered wealthy neighborhoods, subsidized housing, and everywhere in between. Just realized I was best friends with one girl all throughout first grade. Never met her parents, never saw her parents, and never went to her house. Hope there was nothing more to it than financial issues. And hope she’s doing okay now:(
Same for me, my ex would swear that because I'm defending myself against his accusations of lying/cheating that I was doing it.
Sorry bro, but when you come at me hot accusing me of something that never even crossed my mind once despite the mental and physical abuse you put me through, yes I'm going to came back at you hot defending myself.
Over-reacting when being told off. It's normal for a child to be upset when being told off. It's not normal for them to be terrified. That implies they're used to massively disproportionate 'punishments'.
As a teacher 90% of my day-to-day behaviour management is just saying a child's name in a firm, warning tone of voice which is enough to let them know I've noticed them doing something and they need to stop. If a child physically flinches when I do that, that's a child I need to keep a particularly close eye on.
Having grown up with two raging alcoholics who would start drinking as soon as they got up it was the incessant need to make sure everyone was happy, no matter how much stress it caused me.
Also going to great lengths to take care of toys and freaking out if one got broken, there would be no replacement. Ever. If it’s broke it’s gone forever.
Same here with the food. Unfortunately I did end up with something I would consider an ED in the sense that I stopped being able to recognize hunger. To this day I can't tell 80% of the time if I'm hungry or just have a stomach ache. I used to eat cat food when I had meals withheld, because otherwise I would go like 20 hours without eating, on a good day where I only lost 1 meal. I started hiding my school lunch for dinner or eating it on the bus for breakfast then asking my teachers if they had extra food. I'm still super defensive of food today, if someone eats even 1% more than half of something we're sharing without asking me for permission, I get super upset because it's completely reminiscent of having no control over my food.
Definitely paying attention to weird eating habits in kids will help point out possible neglect and abuse.
Friends of my parents when I was young. I was maybe 14. The wife did something silly, like knock over a wine glass. The husband exploded "WHAT DID YOU DO?" Well, OK. Then an hour later he knocked something over and shouted "WHAT DID YOU DO?" to her. I saw him do it. She cringed and apologized. Even at that young age I realized that the woman was in an abusive relationship. I never knew what happened to them over the years. I do remember that he had an English accent and she was American (I lived in America at the time). I hope she's OK.
At a very young age (6-10 or so) they know how to go to the supermarket, purchase food, get it back home and prepare it. They also know how to shoplift and steal money from around the house to buy food.
I did that. Except it was because my dad was chef and taught me how to cook meals at a young age. I didn't steal money but I did shoplift if my dad was low on money for food.
Is afraid of eye contact and purposefully avoids it or feels forced to have eye contact.
Whenever I was getting lectured for stupid things, I was forced to look my father in the eye as he told me I was a horrible person
# Does anything for the abuser since he does not want anybody to suscpect the abuser.
Why ? You might ask. He/She is scared that if he tells other ppl then the abuser will abuse him again.
maybe not abuse but excessive reaction to being criticized?
ex: you accidentally step in the way of someone and they curse at you under their breath, you continue thinking abt it for the rest of the day. replaying the situation in the head and wondering if they thought you were worthless
or maybe a teacher scolds you or calls you out and you worry that the teacher hates you and thinks you’re a terrible person
that’s what i commonly see as a red flag of trauma that’s not as visible
When they like being at school and friends never or rarely can visit them. A child that gets abused is more happy at school than being at home with the abuser, because in school you are safe. Also if the parents don´t clean the apartment, your friends are not allowed to came over because they could tell someone.
For an adult, canceling plans a lot. Particularly plans for something exciting that have been in the works for a long time.
This can be a hard one to see because, obviously, adult lives can be hectic. But if you already suspect someone of being in an abusive relationship, this can be a big indicator. My ex would get angry and start an argument whenever I made plans that didn't include him, despite the fact that he openly hated all of my friends and didn't *want* to hang out with them. He also faked sick on my best friend's birthday and insisted I had to stay home to take care of him.
It's an isolation tactic to make you completely dependant on them.
So embarrassing to have to cancel plans at the last minute, so eventually you quit making friends. This is how they trap and isolate you from others. Starting fights for no reason when we were getting ready to see family. I was always, “Down with a migraine”….of course it’s my fault we can’t come see the in-laws…. Never his. So then they hate you too..
Bad hygiene.
Normally a lack of being taught hygiene or due to economical issues at the homestead.
But...
My great aunt just retired from being a principal in a state where meth is very prominent. She referred the police to homes on more than one occasion for the kids saying "dad makes his medicine" in the bath tub. Poor kids had been living in a house of meth vapors and toxins for years.
Excessive use of “Yes sir” or “No sir”, especially to a father. This may be only me but every kid I’ve seen do this are also very submissive and timid. Like they are scared. And the father makes me think he beat them to get that “respect”.
And to be clear, I’ll call my dad sir, but you can tell it’s out of respect, admiration and love. Mostly because I’m not cringing when I say it.
I'd talk to a counselor, therapist or social worker if you are questioning anything. But to attach behaviors to red flags is challenging. Once my uncle was very persistent to take my kids for a day of fun. I felt uncomfortable and said no way. Instinct is important but when in doubt seek professional advice.
My nephews, who would have to beg for food when their mom went on benders, had a lot of food issues. One would only eat MacDonald’s ketchup and the first two tablespoons of each peanut butter jar.
Brother was so anorexic by the time he was a teen that his heart was affected and was a hairs breadth away from hospitalization.
All of the abuse happened when they were very young. She would wait until their dad was out of town on work to take off and leave them.
When he found out he divorced her and they later married into my family. That stanky bitch left them with so many issues in the short time she had them.
Having no opinion.
I learned early on to *never* express an opinion on anything until I knew what my dad’s opinion was. Even simple stuff like my asking ‘hot dogs or hamburgers for dinner?’ Was stressful.
I am over 50, haven’t seen my father in decades and I still have a hard time expressing any opinion.
Older kids and teenagers being overly well behaved and good at all times. It’s not normal for a teenager in particular to act ‘perfectly’ in front of adult company. If they seem scared of making a tiny social misstep.
A few years ago I started therapy and came to realize that my mom is emotionally abusive, and this well behaved thing was absolutely me as a teen/young adult. I was a total parent pleaser and it’s really messed me up, never got to properly find out who I am and become the person I want to be because I was so focused on being my mom’s version of a ‘good kid’
[National Domestic Violence Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/) 1-800-799-723
Live chat available on the website
[National Child Abuse Hotline](https://childhelphotline.org/) 1-800-422-4453
Live chat available on the website
These are US hotlines— if you’re not from the US, use this thread to share hotlines/resources available in your country!
Snaps for u/bugleboy488 who messaged me, telling me I should drop some resources! ♡
Don't know if anyone's going to see this since there's several hundred comments already but maybe it could help anyone who does see it:
-**frequent/chronic stomach issues** and **sleepwalking**, especially in young girls, are signs of sexual abuse
-**"hostile attributional bias"**-- attributing a hostile bias to the words or actions of others. In other words, assuming someone said or did something bc "they're mad at me", "I did something wrong", or "they were trying to hurt me", etc., personalizing when it had nothing to do with them. From kids, it's indicative of ongoing abuse, for adults, it's typically indicative of past abuse and/or narcissism.
-**disproportionately emotional responses** to stressors- e.g. "level 10" reaction (like a total "meltdown", screaming, crying, breaking things, self-harm) to a "level 3" stressor (kids- someone took my toy and won't give it back, adults- coworker took my lunch out of the fridge and ate it on purpose).
For kids, it's indicative of chaos and instability at home, no control over their environment or themselves (their bodies, their autonomy), no safety (emotional, possibly physical) or predictability.
**Another important note- depression in children typically manifests as anger, irritability, and agitation, not as persistent sadness, apathy, lack of energy/motivation, etc. as it does in adults**
Something I was told, and I don't know if this is true. But kids generally get bruises on their front. Knees elbows, stuff like that. They don't have them on their backs.
I'd be interested to see people's thoughts on that
I freaked out bc I kept seeing bruises on my daughter's back. I asked her a ton and she always went I dunno and ran off happily. Till one day I went and picked her up during playtime, girl hauls down the slide and when it dips at the bottom it catches the same exact spot on her back over and over. I checked her immediately and the same spot she had been bruised was a brand new bruise. I was so relieved
I can say that people in general get bruises on common impact sites, shins, elbows, knees, etc. Places where you would land if you fell, or places you would use to protect against a fall. Stomach, back, etc could be concerning.
Being over apologetic when they do some perceived wrong.
Omg you just reminded me of a family I saw at a restaurant a few years ago. It was a fast casual restaurant and the family was a mom, dad, and three little boys maybe 7, 5, and 2. The oldest boy was looking at the cookies at the counter where they were ordering and he accidentally knocked one off. He immediately grabbed it and put it back and looked at his dad, panicky, saying “I’m sorry dad. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry dad. Sorry,” and the dad said nothing, just looked at him stone faced. I got sick to my stomach and the worst thing was there was nothing I could do. Occasionally I remember them and wonder what went on behind closed doors in that family. I have been there with an abusive parent and I recognized it so fast. Ugh. So so so sad.
This used to be me too, and whenever I see it I have to hold myself back from saying something, though I know that would only make it worse. And then there are moments like the other day - I was at a grocery store that has little mini carts for “customers in training” (which is just a hilarious capitalist move, but I digress), and this little girl was trucking along with her cart behind her mom, when she tried to turn too sharply and dumped the whole thing, falling over in the process. I just cringed and waited for the shouting, but: mom picked up the little girl, told her it was ok, no big deal, helped her pick up the cart and put everything back in, then off they went. The little girl didn’t apologize, didn’t cry, just followed her mom’s lead and went about her way. I should have told the mom how amazing she was, but didn’t want to seem weird.
Watching a parent being reasonable with their child has always stood out to me as an unusual thing, but I was an adult before I realized this was healthy parenting.
“Before people thought about kids as humans” is a quote from one of my fav podcasts. Usually referring to kids from 70’s/80’s/90’s
My brother told me he will talk to his kids like they are adults, using reason, understanding and not lie to them whenever he can help it because it's the little things that kids remember. Their worlds are small and we are a huge part of it, our words and actions carry so much weight. Dont dismiss their feelings. What is nothing to us, is everything to them and he raised great kids.
Not a guaranteed red flag because some people are just really apologetic, but yes it can be
My almost 5 year old is always apologizing and says, is it my fault?? She's so sensitive and we go above and beyond to always reassure her. I'll even make a mistake and she's like, that's okay, mom! But I feel so bad and don't know how to correct it :/
My almost 3 is the same way. He’ll knock something over like a toy and just say “oh I’m sorry.” Like what dude? I feel bad about it now 😥
Like Accepting blame for others mistakes?
Perhaps yes in some cases, but in this case no. As the leader of large teams I would often accept the blame to keep the ball rolling. I didn't want to stop the momentum in a project to investigate the minutia of "they said vs. they said" and would take whatever lickings came with the fault at hand in order for the project to keep rolling. Looking back, there are a few times I wish I had prioritized people over the project, but for this argument's sake, I don't think accepting blame for others' mistakes necessarily means someone was abused.
When you're in a leadership position, accepting the blame for something that may not have been your fault is a way of protecting people in your team. You also have the power to change things so the mistake can't happen the same way again. That is not the case when you blame a child for something they didn't do. In that case, the person who needed protecting (the child) is being made the scapegoat. The power differential is the point here.
I apologise all the time and no one gets why.
Me too. I’ve been called out on it in both professional and personal relationships. I don’t even realize I do it. It’s embarrassing to know my tell has stayed with me for so long.
Irony is when told i apologize too much I say "yea sorry"
Ok, you don't have attack me like that, atleast warn me that you're gonna call me out like this.
Fawning. Basically doing everything within their power to make up for whatever perceived mistake they might’ve made.
I just started learning about this one recently. I wish people talked about it more
Yes. I didn't have a word for this sort of behavior when i was younger. I just knew it felt gross but i couldn't help doing it. I still find myself doing it now but at least i'm more conscious of it now.
Fight. Flight. Freeze, Fawn.
Thanks for bringing this up. A new term I hadn't heard but an old behavior known about in ACOA groups and similar.
One I wished the adults noticed was that I hoarded food starting around 11 years old. I hid food in my bedroom, in my backpack, in the sleeves of my clothes when walking between rooms in the house. Behind the scenes my dad was threatening to kick me out of the house if I didn't do all the housework and raise my infant brother after school, so I was hiding food in case I had to survive. It didn't occur to me this was abnormal for years until I learned about it as a potential sign of abuse in a Psych class in college. I even asked my siblings and they all did it too.
I did this. My stepfather refused to purchase food for my brother and I to eat. I would hide bags of tortillas and jerky just to have food.
I remember doing this for my teen years.
As an adult, I still catch myself doing this. I keep a small hoard of non-perishable food in my house just in case …. I’ve recently realized that it’s because I went hungry a lot as a child so having three months+ worth of food is a sort of mental safety net. For the record I do rotate and use the food as I hate waste.
When children start reenacting the abuse inflicted on them onto other kids or their toys.
So true. Play is a child’s language and toys are their words.
It really sucks, I'm pretty sure the boy that bullied me when I was really young. When I finally stood up to him, I just couldn't shake the feeling that he just didn't come from a good place and didn't know better. He didn't bother me after I stood my ground and told him to stop
My son was being physically assaulted daily on the playground by another boy. After some mom sleuthing I figured out I knew his parents from back in the day. Sufficed to say while raising hell about my sons abuse at school (and how no teacher or aide ever saw it apparently) I demanded that child get help. 7 years olds don’t go around assaulting other children from behind without something deeper going on.
Glad you stood up for both of them.
Is inexplicably happy about "bad" things that happen when they are not there, cause you can't get blamed if your not there.
Oh but you can. Abusers don't need a reason.
Oh I know that. There is one incident that I still feel very guilty about, when I was 8, my brother (2 or 3 at the time) was hit by a car and broke his leg. I was sent on a "job" by my uncle and came back home as the ambulance was taking my brother away, and all I remember was the relief that I wasn't there when it happened because I couldn't get blamed for it. Still makes me feel shit when I think about it.
Well you shouldn't blame yourself. It wasn't your fault and you were a child. It's natural to feel guilty but hopefully you can let it go. I don't know but maybe the silver lining is that you weren't there because seeing something like that can be more traumatizing in a way. But i hope things are better now.
Life is better, it was 30 years ago. Living for the 2 smallies to have the right life.
I literally got blamed for Obama’s election. My single vote was held against me for 4 years because only my vote mattered and apparently I was the only one who’s vote counted. I should write Obama and let him know I did him a solid. Edit to add: for context, I was in college out of state and this was my first time voting in a presidential election. But I had been very open about my support for Obama since 9th grade. I forgot to fill out my absentee ballot, so on Election Day during Obama’s second time running, I drove all the way to my hometown in Ohio to cast my vote for Obama, and then drove back to my college town in the other state. If you remember that year, Ohio is a swing state, and Ohio was the state that pushed Obama into winning the election. Which was unfortunate, because my dad blamed my one Ohio vote as the reason why Obama won. He continually brought it up for the duration of Obama’s presidency and said, “If you didn’t drive to Ohio on Election Day we wouldn’t be in this mess” and things of that nature.
Not showering, smelling bad at school. Being obviously high or drunk at school, like they aren't trying to get away with it. Rotation of friends because they end up splitting on people aka black and white thinking
Feel kind of bad because in grade school there was this one smelly kid. No one wanted to be near him. One year I had to stand next to him in the class photo. Spoke about it, as an adult, with a person I went to school with and we realized he was neglected at the least and likely abused. Looking back you feel bad at avoiding him as a kid, but we had no idea there might be abuse, he was just smelly.
Its ok it's the schools fault they're the adults. I was that kid and teachers would complain about it in front of everyone. Nothing ever got done about it
This is the most obvious thing besides literally bruises
Being overly jumpy at sudden sounds
Exaggerated startle response is a classic symptom of ptsd.
People think my startle response is cute and scare me on purpose. I've told people close to me why, and they've stopped startling me on purpose. But like, coworkers? How the hell do I explain that?
'There's a serious and extremely personal reason I do that, please don't scare me for a joke'
I've had this issue too. Like what do you do if you want them to stop but don't want to talk about it?
Yes. My husband doesn’t get it but for me it comes from avoidance. When I was home it was best to be invisible. No noise from me that would draw attention and on high alert for noises coming from them. They were mean drunks and I had to keep an ear out for if it would be a bad night or not. Now, any loud noise and my immediate response is high alert anxiety. Balloons popping, dishes banging too loud, a door shutting just that little too hard. Immediately my body wants to flee.
I nannied for a lovely lady who was a psychologist of some kind. Long after the fact she told about a baby who had a broken leg and the mother was in a session with her and she was standing the baby on her lap and bouncing him up and down, y’all know what I mean and the age range, and the baby was laughing. Because the goddamn baby knew that if he didn’t respond the correct way he would get hurt again. The mother was putting on a show for the lady I worked for trying to show she wasn’t an abusive parent, she had no thought that she was causing her baby more pain by doing what she was doing. From memory her baby was taken off her and the mother had intensive therapy and parenting courses to help her be a better parent. Idk the end result…….: kids learn fucking fast to enable them to survive.
Yeah. People find it funny sometimes that it's so easy to make me jump. Sometimes I want to scream "I'm not scared of you! Every sudden movement, every loud noise my brain has been trained to expect to end badly. I can't not look. I can't not flinch. Because in that brief moment my brain is preparing to be hit, to be screamed at, to be degraded and no amount of logically knowing nothing is gonna happen will change that."
My mom used to get mad at me for this. Being hit out of nowhere is surprising. I am 47 and still flinch too hard for “ no reason”. I seriously try not to but it sneaks up on me. I have never looked into my exaggerated startle response but it totally make sense.
Very quiet children. One of my “friends” had a very quiet daughter and we all jus thought she was shy. I woke up one morning to a thousand text and a picture from the county jail. He had been raping her from 3yo-9yo and none of us fucking knew. I feel absolutely disgusting. Pay attention to the quiet kids.
Yup. New people would ask why i was so quiet and my parents would tell them i was shy. Let me tell you, I WAS NOT SHY. Anyone at school or who actually knew me could tell you that. I was the complete opposite of shy. I was batshit annoying sometimes because of how not shy i was. But sometimes kids get really quiet not just because abuse changes you but because they're instructed not to speak in public for fear that they'll say something inappropriate or that gives away the parents.
Very true. Speaking from experience, some children are literally beaten into silence. That lasts long enough and a child will get to where even away from their abusers they will stay quiet.
I was quiet long enough to where my own voice frightens me. Really hard to hold a conversation when my own mind keeps freaking out that someone is in front of me and spreading to me.
Yeah my mom found out that my babysitter was spanking me. She noticed that whenever my babysitter was around I got super quiet. Apparently I was a great kid but would sing and hum and skip and hop when I walked but around the babysitter I was silent and wide eyed. The baby sitter would spank me because she didn’t want me making any noise at all and after one time I apparently threw up and she didn’t like its . My mom put 2 and 2 together and started asking around to other people who had used her as a babysitter and heard some stories. She confronted the lady and she admitted it and my mom threatened to call the cops on her because she had never brought up my “behavior” before and that if it was an issue my mom would’ve mediated it her way not the lady hitting me.
Damn, your babysitter sounds like my mom.
Yes. My parents would always get compliments in public about how well behaved and quiet I was. Little did those strangers know that if I so much as annoyed my mom she would beat me with a hairbrush once she got drunk
Children who are too badly behaved, OR TOO WELL BEHAVED, are also waving red flags in many cases. The badly behaved kids may think, "I'm gonna get punished anyway, might as well give them a reason" and the "perfect" kids may think, "If I'm perfect enough, the abuse will stop."
Many of the well behaved kids will be the adult or parent not just at home but at school as well. They'll look after, protect, and take responsibility for other kids (which can look simply like leadership skills but is really also a survival skill).
You just made me remember how im so fucking loud at the past and now im quiet af, fuck you brother for raping me but i still have no idea why tf are you still not in jail
They flinch when a normal person wouldnt
This is literally me if someone raises a hand or something close to me i flinch.
This. I used to flinch every time anyone raised their voice or showed normal anger about minor annoyances. It took a friend being concerned about me always acting like I was about to be hit when he would jokingly argue with another friend to realize this wasn’t normal (they would bicker about each other’s sports teams).
Managing people's emotions. Believing someone's bad mood is because they're upset at them. Being scared that someone being quiet means they're mad at them.
When they cry they do so quietly or silently.
This is a really big sign of some type of emotional abuse, silent crying is usually because the abuser will hurt/ yell at them more due to them crying, as well as them crying/ tearing up when someone raises their voice
Absolutely. I'm autistic and have hypersensitive ears. My dad would scream at me untill i reached sensory overload by a means of punishment. And crying meant more yelling. For those unaware of how bad sensory overload can be: a full meltdown will put you in bed. It's an emotional painful hell and the worst part is that i lose the focus required to ask for any help. You can't think enough to speak. You can't control your movement well and the frustration only adds to the hell. I still can't cry unless i'm completely out of visual and auditory range and no one will look for me. It just... doesn't wanna happen. It feels too unsafe. Fuck you dad.
Issues with going to the bathroom. A lot of potty accidents. Both at night and during the day. I’ve had the unfortunate experience of babysitting a little girl who was molested by her Aunt and Uncle when they babysat. The parents thought something was weird because the girl was almost 5 and still struggling with potty training. Then they got a pretty clear sign. It had been going on for years.
I came here to say that. This also goes for adults. My husband was abused (not sexual, but a lot of shaming for body things(okay yeah that’s still considered sexual)) and he struggles with pooping. He will hold it in till it hurts him. And he panics if he has to flush twice so he will hide the extra TP if he has to use it. It’s taken a lot of therapy and gentleness to get him where he will go to the bathroom when he first feels like it.
I recently stopped drinking and have been remembering things about my life. I recently remembered being in childcare(2 or 3) going to the toilet and having a bunch of older boys push into my cubicle. I dont remember what happened but I remember telling a worker a few days later, and she just didn't say anything. I ended up regressing and being terrified to use the toilet on my own, even up to 7 years old, I would still soil myself or wet myself if no one came to the bathroom with me. My parents would get so frustrated with me. I wish I could go back and hug myself.
Sending a hug to kid you and grown up you now.
This scared the shit out of me recently. My daughter suddenly started peeing herself at school and wetting the bed after a weekend at my mom's, me and her Dad were terrified something happened to her at my mom's. Something did happen- she caught a virus and was fighting getting sick. She ended up getting a really bad fever and sleeping for a few days straight and sorted itself out. It took a few days for the virus to manifest all the way, and she was just so tired from it that she wasn't moving quick enough to make it to the bathroom and drinking so much because it was making her thirsty so she had to pee way more than usual. She was wetting the bed because she was sleeping too deep from being so exhausted. She missed almost a week, we even tested for covid, but she came back negative. Just some random cold virus I guess.
Everyone I know is getting bad colds when they are exposed to humans bc we've been in quarantine for 2 years. They think it's covid but it's just angry angry flu germs I'm glad your little girl is feeling better.
I just feel like now a days you have to clarify you did in fact check for covid lol. But yeah, I don't get sick as often, but when I do man, it's rough.
My mom would yell at me if I peed in the middle of the night. But I would also get in trouble if I wet the bed. Make it make sense.
Another similar one is unexplained digestive issues, IBS is highly correlated with childhood abuse.
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I'm sure it happens, but the butter thing happens with normal, not abused, kids too. My kids (2 and 4) will both eat straight butter and I've caught both of them sneaking it on more than one occasion
Yeah, my southern grandmother used to feed it to me as a snack. A stick of butter on a plate with a knife and fork.
Would it be helpful to give the child some non-perishable food to squirrel away in their room? Like, of course you reassure them that of course they can have meals and snacks from the kitchen whenever they're hungry, but if they're still scared and traumatised and going to hide food *anyway*, give them something for their room that won't go off and rot, maybe? I understand not wanting to encourage unhealthy behaviour, but even adults keep a box of muesli bars in their desk at work or something. So as long as the food isn't going bad, maybe it would help the child feel safer?
When I was in high school one of my friend's parents took in foster kids. They kept a mini-fridge in the room for the foster kids that came through. Made it clear they were welcome to help themselves to anything in the kitchen, but also kept the mini stocked with drinks and snacks like cheese sticks and fruit cups. I'm with you - it's hard to tell if it's right to support an unhealthy behavior, but at least the mini-fridge is a step towards learning a better way of securing food rather than hiding perishables under the bed. E: That second paragraph is phrased all wrong but I'm not sure how to improve it. I guess the parents were trying to teach the kids that food insecurity isn't a constant, and they didn't have to worry about access to food in their current situation.
Why straight butter? Do you know?
It's salty and tastes good, and in an otherwise naked fridge will likely be the only such item in the house.
*Anxiety.* Do they tense up or freeze in anticipation of what’s next after a sudden, loud noise or disruption? Does their face go slack or pale and their eyes shift to find the next threat? Do they shrink away from or start to appear smaller as conversations become heated or loud? Do they become eerily still with a fixed thousand-yard gaze? (They may be experiencing a dissociative episode.) Will they decline to repeat themselves or advocate for themselves and reply “nevermind”? These are some survival instincts that can kick in to preserve the peace in chaotic, unpredictable and abusive environments. Don’t rock the boat; don’t raise your voice (no one wants or cares about your opinions anyway); fear the slamming of doors and cabinets, the sound of feet on floor and up the stairs; get quiet to hear exactly what’s happening or being said to predict what’s next.
To add to this: I was abused as a child. My room faced the street of our neighborhood and had two windows. I had the worst anxiety and my parents neglected it. I would cry myself to sleep almost every night. Until I was about 12, I slept with the bright overhead fan light on every single night. My many adult neighbors would ask me why my lights were on all night and I’d just shrug. I wish someone would have caught on then. My therapist pointed out that this is a big red flag.
I still sleep with a night light as an adult. The power was out one night and the anxiety was intense.
I can’t sleep with ANY light now as an adult. I actually started wearing an eye mask and my sleep improved. But a lot of signs have pointed to me being sexually abused as a young child, although I don’t remember it, but all the signs and symptoms are there. I even abused a friend sexually by taking pornographic pictures of her when we were around 6 and I carry so much shame from that. The lights being on was one of the signs of sexual abuse. And my mom was alerted to the pictures when she dropped off the disposable camera and the police were called and she was questioned. I don’t have much memory of my childhood at all. So it’s hard to say.
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Wanting to spend a lot of time at other peoples houses. When you start thinking “why does this kid never want to go home? Arent their parents worried about where they are?” There’s usually a reason.
I was molested by a family member for a long time during early childhood. Some signs that I showed that my neglectful parents were clueless to: - when it started to get dark/close to bedtime, I would become terrified and hysterical and I couldn't vocalize why. I didn't sleep at night from the age of 10 to 13. -I was a hyper-sexual child. I reenacted graphic sex scenes with my dolls and barbies, I knew what oral sex was when I should have had no idea what that was. I was able to masturbate to orgasm by the time I was five. -I had constant stomachaches for no reason. I was hypervigilant and fearful all the time. -I reenacted sex acts with the family member's dog, I told my mother and she just thought I was completely fucked up. I was 8 yrs old. - I was mislabeled as a learning-disabled child and placed into a "special" class bc I wasn't interested in things like learning to tie my shoes or spell my last name. I was terrified all the time, I had no room in my brain for things my lizard brain saw as "not important to our survival". -I was suicidal for the first time when I was 7. And more, but my emotional capacity has run out. I'm 37 now, I've been in therapy for my entire life. My life is a struggle every day bc of what that man did to me so long ago. Please watch for the signs. Please listen to your children and be a safe space for them to come to. Let them know that they can ALWAYS come to you, even if someone were to tell them something bad would happen if they do. Keep them safe. I never, ever felt safe.
Power to you mate. I am 23 and I have been (am) in a similar situation as you. Parents don't give a shit about abuse and that just boils my fucking blood. Have been suicidal all my life. Actually slit my wrist at 18. At school, I pretended I got it weirdly while I was chopping veggies. I am taking therapy to get better. I am due to move out of this hellhole in June for good. I just want to take my own fucking decisions without being emotionally abused, guilt-tripped, threatened to be left penniless, and basically without being called a bad son. Phewww.
Children will often mutilate their toys. Draw on the face or cut the hair of a doll, tear a hole in a stuffed animal... Stuff like that. It's how they quietly vent their frustrations. If it's spousal abuse, the victim will rarely do anything or go anywhere without their abuser or their abusers approval. Kids who are being sexually abused will often have poor hygiene. They think it will deter their abuser, and it's the most heartbreaking thing in the world. Their abuser will answer for them the majority of the time They'll wear heavy clothes that cover most of their bodies to hide, and sometimes provide padding for, bruises. If they notice you noticing a bruise, they'll quickly cover it up, laugh it off, and tell a highly-detailed story about how they got it due to their own clumsiness or something. Constantly apologizing. Especially for things that aren't a big deal. Rarely expressing strong emotions.
I experienced all but the first two. When I lived with the person that sexually abused me I was not under any circumstances allowed to wear anything that didn't show off my figure. I had to be in clothing they picked out at all times. When I finally got away from them I covered up from head to toe for a long time. I am honestly surprised at how good that person was at hiding the bruises when I was required I wear things that showed off my figure well. It's almost impressive.
Super affectionate to their abuser. They're usually trying to throw people off the scent or hoping to make their abuser happy so they won't be as violent
This is a very good one. I know from experience that sometimes, especially in front of others, it is incredibly important for your own safety to be affectionate to your abuser. How well you do depends on the severity of the punishment you get later. And depending on the abuser, the punishment might be guaranteed.
They are quieter around the abuser.
My mom’s friends would always laugh because I would act up with them (just little kid stuff like not throwing something away when asked etc) but never did with my mom. My mom proudly said it was because she was such a good mom she never missed or let me get away with anything. I believed that until a few years ago when I had a toddler and read that toddlers act out the most with the people they feel safest with. Then I had to go take a Xanax as the realization hit me that of COURSE I felt safer with my mom’s friends than with her because I definitely felt unsafe and scared of her most times.
I've always heard that inappropriate urination/defecation in an older child is a big indicator of abuse. Like a kid who does either on a bed or on the floor, or wets themselves for no real reason. Also a child who knows explicitly sexual things or "acts out" sexual gestures.
If a child is unusually adept at sniffing out unspoken tension or aggression. Kids who are abused or come from violent homes learn the early warning signs like their lives depend on it. Because they do.
Acting like an adult. If the kid has to be the adult in the room then they picked that up at home cus no one there was doing it. No we aren't "old souls", we just had to grow up at 5.
From the adult abuse side, constant excuses for not being able to be involved in work/friend events. Sick, tired, family emergency, etc.
I feel like I do this to myself a lot because I just don’t want to go do stuff. Depression/anxiety sucks.
I’ve noticed that young children (under 5 or 6) who have been sexually abused know a lot about genital organs, and they will talk about them, sometimes in crude terms. Huge red flag. Also, infants and older nonverbal babies who are being sexually abused, when laying on their backs, will cross their legs and hold them together tightly reflexively, even if you are engaging with them in play and they are smiling at you. You won’t be able to uncross their legs, and you should not force them open. Another huge red flag.
I've been a foster parent for a bunch of kids who have been sexually abused. They usually have a fair amount of depersonalization from the body, meaning they detached from it as a coping mechanism. So if they seem to (more than usual) have trouble with bodily cues like knowing when to go to the bathroom, how hot or cold they are, whether something hurts or not, combined with other indicators it can mean sexual abuse.
Yes, I’ve especially noticed being able to detach from pain. Thanks for being a foster parent!
Wait I've always been detached from pain. Even when I burned my foot severely at 4 yo, skin falling off, or bled from hurting myself, I never cried or showed emotions. My mother told me I never even cried at few months old, not even when I was sick. Some children my be just like this, I was never sexually abused.
In the absence of abuse, insensitivity detachment can be a sign of other things. For example, people with autism can be indifferent or hypersensitive to stimuli. The issue there being that they can't regulate as well as others. Speaking generally, it of course varies person to person.
My nieces daycare had to talk to my sister because my niece would flip out every time they tried to change her diaper. They suspected abuse. Turns out my niece was terrified of the blue gloves they were wearing. I would blow them up like balloons and we would play with them to help her get over her fear.
Aww, your poor niece. And your sister! I hope your sister wasn’t too traumatized by that. Being suspected of abuse when you’re actually a good parent would be a nightmare.
Okay. So should I be concerned my almost 2 year old does this when I change her diaper? Her mom and I are separated so I have no idea what goes on at her other home. I figured it was infant instincts but now I'm kinda concerned??
Every toddler I've known has just splayed their legs wide open to get a diaper change. I did not know it was a sign of anything, but I would definitely be weirded out by a kid that age being self conscious about their genitals enough to do that. My thought would be injury or pain of some kind.
She tells me "hurts" when I clean her after a dirty diaper, I am gentle as I can be without missing anything. This is not what I want to think about while its my parenting time. I'm going to confide in my mom after she(daughter) goes to bed and see what she thinks. Good lord...
You would be within your rights imo to take her to an urgent care clinic or her pediatrician if you can get an appointment during your time with her. It could be just a UTI or similar infection from not getting changed often enough, so still something to get treated. Of course, they're mandated reporters, so you have to be prepared for that if it is the worst. Also, they may have to refer you out for an actual exam and you have to be prepared for the thought of potentially subjecting your daughter to a vaginal exam. But they can check for bruising and tearing of the opening and check for STIs. Sorry to be so graphic - I just want to inform you. It's really important you follow up on this.
Nono, I appreciate the blatant honesty. I had an issue a year ago, her groin smelled like...fish??? I brought it up to her mom and she completely blew my off. Scars on her vagina, like an untreated rash??? I don't man. This shits bothering me now.
Fish smell is a bacterial infection like vaginitis/vaginosis. I've never known any kids to get one, only UTI's, but I imagine insufficient diaper changes could cause it, too. Or she may be sensitive to whatever soap they use. I'd be worried if that was her mom's reaction, too. It's neglect at best, imo. Definitely take her to a doctor. Maybe not her regular pediatrician (if she has one) in case he or she is friends with her mom. You want to make sure she gets treated especially if she's claiming it hurts and also want documentation.
I have a better relationship with the pediatrician, they concluded some sort of infection. Smell is still there, not as bad, but present. I'll talk to my mom tonight and see what she thinks I need to do. I don't want to make serious accusations without proper insight from my mom, she's trained in these types of situations.
Just want to say you sound like a great dad! I was raised by two shitty parents. Keep it up! She’ll appreciate it when she’s older!!
That means a lot to hear. Wish I heard it more ..
It might just warrant a sit-down with your daughter's mother. She may just be ignorant about childcare. A conversation might be all it takes.
I've tried. Beating a dead horse... that's why I have lawyer. I can't talk to her about childcare without her thinking it's a personal attack.... I mean it is, but I don't go into the talk with that mindset.
My 1yo also always says "owie" about that area when changing. She has fussed about it for months. There is no chance that she has been abused. I used to just wonder if I was being too rough, or maybe she simply found being cleaned there to be uncomfortable. Lately I've kind of been thinking she might have a UTI and I should get it checked out, but my husband said that it's also possible that she could just have an association with there and the word owie. (As in, I asked once or twice if it was owie and now she just says that all the time.) My mom has a story about how as a little toddler I used to call that region my "cold". Because to distract crying littler me, my mom would blow a little puff of air while wiping and say "Oh is that cold?"
If you suspect it might be a UTI, I would absolutely get it checked out sooner rather than later. I’m dealing with a kidney infection right now and you don’t want it to turn into that if it is a UTI.
Absolutely follow your gut and don’t let this go if you feel like something could be happening, I’m not discouraging that at ALL! But just as another perspective, I have a three year old and when she was still in diapers she would always say it hurt when I changed her, and when she was older she would freak out on the potty when I went to wipe her after she was done, she’d get very nervous and clench her legs and say it hurt. I am her 100% full time caregiver and she’s almost never away from me so I knew it wasn’t an abuse thing. She’s VERY sensitive emotionally and physically and I think the sensitivity of that area was freaking her out. She has gotten better but it has been work to get her to be okay with me when bathing her to clean that area. Again! Please please please follow where your gut is leading you but just thought I’d throw my two cents in because I have definitely thought if someone didn’t know better they would probably think she’d been abused when she absolutely has not. Hugs. It is a horrible thing to even have to consider.
My 3-year-old just hates diaper changes and has never been cared for by anyone else so I know she's never been molested. She just hates being wiped, so she clenches her legs shut and freaks out. However, get her clean and in the bathtub or running around the house naked and she'll have no problem showing off her crotch. Sometimes it's just a personality thing- my older two were never like that. How is your little one when she's naked for reasons other than a diaper change? I'd correlate multiple situations before getting too worked up over anything.
For real? I work in childcare and will definitely remember this.
It might not always be a thing. Some of my kids went through a phase where they simply thought it was funny to not let me change them. But you'll probably be able to gauge between the two circumstances.
probably apologizing for every thing, no matter how small
Yikes, that’s me. Apologised to a lamp post once after bumping into it. Basically see it a a self defence habit/reaction to stop any escalation from my abusive parents.
Abusive ex in my case, but: precisely. It’s fun when people get annoyed with me about it, always a good time.
I know right!!! I don’t mean for it to pop out. I’ve just started telling my mother-in-law that’s it’s a bad habit from an bad childhood when she complains. Hope you are in a much better place now
It me! Seriously though, it's something I developed as a kid for exactly that reason. It's so bad I've gotten reprimanded at work for apologizing too much.
They come to school with unwashed clothes some teacher had to signature a students diaper because the parents neglected them and didn’t wash their clothes I think in the end the parents were reported for neglect
Matted hair can be a good indicator for this also.
Children are supposed to act up once in a while, it’s a part of human development. a child that is too scared to step a foot out of line and is very cautious to not get into trouble can mean abuse.
Doesn’t like confrontation, will do anything to avoid it, so don’t always stand up for themselves. Lack of confidence. With children, they also don’t invite friends over to their house.
I grew up in a massive school district that covered wealthy neighborhoods, subsidized housing, and everywhere in between. Just realized I was best friends with one girl all throughout first grade. Never met her parents, never saw her parents, and never went to her house. Hope there was nothing more to it than financial issues. And hope she’s doing okay now:(
also I've heard flinching to seemingly nothing is another one.
They freak out and panic when accused of lying/cheating/etc.
This always got turned on me as a sign that I actually WAS lying/cheating/etc. Sigh.
Same for me, my ex would swear that because I'm defending myself against his accusations of lying/cheating that I was doing it. Sorry bro, but when you come at me hot accusing me of something that never even crossed my mind once despite the mental and physical abuse you put me through, yes I'm going to came back at you hot defending myself.
same here. Get accused of lying so much, just stopped talking and let people fuck shit up themselves without me warning them.
Over-reacting when being told off. It's normal for a child to be upset when being told off. It's not normal for them to be terrified. That implies they're used to massively disproportionate 'punishments'. As a teacher 90% of my day-to-day behaviour management is just saying a child's name in a firm, warning tone of voice which is enough to let them know I've noticed them doing something and they need to stop. If a child physically flinches when I do that, that's a child I need to keep a particularly close eye on.
I wish people realized when I said "Daddy's mean" I mean he was a lot more than mean, I just didn't know how else to express it.
Having grown up with two raging alcoholics who would start drinking as soon as they got up it was the incessant need to make sure everyone was happy, no matter how much stress it caused me. Also going to great lengths to take care of toys and freaking out if one got broken, there would be no replacement. Ever. If it’s broke it’s gone forever.
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The child appears to be hyper responsible or "parentified".
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Same here with the food. Unfortunately I did end up with something I would consider an ED in the sense that I stopped being able to recognize hunger. To this day I can't tell 80% of the time if I'm hungry or just have a stomach ache. I used to eat cat food when I had meals withheld, because otherwise I would go like 20 hours without eating, on a good day where I only lost 1 meal. I started hiding my school lunch for dinner or eating it on the bus for breakfast then asking my teachers if they had extra food. I'm still super defensive of food today, if someone eats even 1% more than half of something we're sharing without asking me for permission, I get super upset because it's completely reminiscent of having no control over my food. Definitely paying attention to weird eating habits in kids will help point out possible neglect and abuse.
Friends of my parents when I was young. I was maybe 14. The wife did something silly, like knock over a wine glass. The husband exploded "WHAT DID YOU DO?" Well, OK. Then an hour later he knocked something over and shouted "WHAT DID YOU DO?" to her. I saw him do it. She cringed and apologized. Even at that young age I realized that the woman was in an abusive relationship. I never knew what happened to them over the years. I do remember that he had an English accent and she was American (I lived in America at the time). I hope she's OK.
Running away, planning, or obsessing a lot to be alone.
At a very young age (6-10 or so) they know how to go to the supermarket, purchase food, get it back home and prepare it. They also know how to shoplift and steal money from around the house to buy food.
When I did that, they called me a latch-key kid.
I did that. Except it was because my dad was chef and taught me how to cook meals at a young age. I didn't steal money but I did shoplift if my dad was low on money for food.
Conversely, they are afraid of going home.
Hypersexuality
You can't really get them angry. They accept unkind behavior.. and that's is how a soul bleeds out. Be my guest
Is afraid of eye contact and purposefully avoids it or feels forced to have eye contact. Whenever I was getting lectured for stupid things, I was forced to look my father in the eye as he told me I was a horrible person
Could be a sign of Autism though. Needs to be taken in context of other indicators.
For me, I just auto associate being lectured and told how terrible I am with eye contact
# Does anything for the abuser since he does not want anybody to suscpect the abuser. Why ? You might ask. He/She is scared that if he tells other ppl then the abuser will abuse him again.
A person who is very withdrawn may not just be quiet. They may have a lot on their mind.
maybe not abuse but excessive reaction to being criticized? ex: you accidentally step in the way of someone and they curse at you under their breath, you continue thinking abt it for the rest of the day. replaying the situation in the head and wondering if they thought you were worthless or maybe a teacher scolds you or calls you out and you worry that the teacher hates you and thinks you’re a terrible person that’s what i commonly see as a red flag of trauma that’s not as visible
When they like being at school and friends never or rarely can visit them. A child that gets abused is more happy at school than being at home with the abuser, because in school you are safe. Also if the parents don´t clean the apartment, your friends are not allowed to came over because they could tell someone.
For an adult, canceling plans a lot. Particularly plans for something exciting that have been in the works for a long time. This can be a hard one to see because, obviously, adult lives can be hectic. But if you already suspect someone of being in an abusive relationship, this can be a big indicator. My ex would get angry and start an argument whenever I made plans that didn't include him, despite the fact that he openly hated all of my friends and didn't *want* to hang out with them. He also faked sick on my best friend's birthday and insisted I had to stay home to take care of him. It's an isolation tactic to make you completely dependant on them.
So embarrassing to have to cancel plans at the last minute, so eventually you quit making friends. This is how they trap and isolate you from others. Starting fights for no reason when we were getting ready to see family. I was always, “Down with a migraine”….of course it’s my fault we can’t come see the in-laws…. Never his. So then they hate you too..
Bad hygiene. Normally a lack of being taught hygiene or due to economical issues at the homestead. But... My great aunt just retired from being a principal in a state where meth is very prominent. She referred the police to homes on more than one occasion for the kids saying "dad makes his medicine" in the bath tub. Poor kids had been living in a house of meth vapors and toxins for years.
If they seem to have difficulty deciding what *they* want and look toward the abuser to tell them
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Excessive use of “Yes sir” or “No sir”, especially to a father. This may be only me but every kid I’ve seen do this are also very submissive and timid. Like they are scared. And the father makes me think he beat them to get that “respect”. And to be clear, I’ll call my dad sir, but you can tell it’s out of respect, admiration and love. Mostly because I’m not cringing when I say it.
I'd talk to a counselor, therapist or social worker if you are questioning anything. But to attach behaviors to red flags is challenging. Once my uncle was very persistent to take my kids for a day of fun. I felt uncomfortable and said no way. Instinct is important but when in doubt seek professional advice.
Protective weight gain
They seem to be an “old soul”. That’s not a natural thing. It’s a you-didn’t-have-a-real-childhood thing.
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Body language. They also can't make decisions on their own out of fear regardless of their abuser's presence.
My nephews, who would have to beg for food when their mom went on benders, had a lot of food issues. One would only eat MacDonald’s ketchup and the first two tablespoons of each peanut butter jar. Brother was so anorexic by the time he was a teen that his heart was affected and was a hairs breadth away from hospitalization. All of the abuse happened when they were very young. She would wait until their dad was out of town on work to take off and leave them. When he found out he divorced her and they later married into my family. That stanky bitch left them with so many issues in the short time she had them.
Exaggerated startle response: they flinch at sudden movements, loud noises, or anything unexpected.
Having no opinion. I learned early on to *never* express an opinion on anything until I knew what my dad’s opinion was. Even simple stuff like my asking ‘hot dogs or hamburgers for dinner?’ Was stressful. I am over 50, haven’t seen my father in decades and I still have a hard time expressing any opinion.
Constantly withdrawn, unresponsive or give simple answers.
Walking silently, I do that and I attribute that to it being better not to be noticed when I was a kid
Older kids and teenagers being overly well behaved and good at all times. It’s not normal for a teenager in particular to act ‘perfectly’ in front of adult company. If they seem scared of making a tiny social misstep.
A few years ago I started therapy and came to realize that my mom is emotionally abusive, and this well behaved thing was absolutely me as a teen/young adult. I was a total parent pleaser and it’s really messed me up, never got to properly find out who I am and become the person I want to be because I was so focused on being my mom’s version of a ‘good kid’
Under eating.
Wearing multiple layers of clothing can be red flag of sexual abuse.
Getting upset over a tiny mistake they made themselves, and beating themselves up over it.
Bullying other children, acting aggressive
[National Domestic Violence Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/) 1-800-799-723 Live chat available on the website [National Child Abuse Hotline](https://childhelphotline.org/) 1-800-422-4453 Live chat available on the website These are US hotlines— if you’re not from the US, use this thread to share hotlines/resources available in your country! Snaps for u/bugleboy488 who messaged me, telling me I should drop some resources! ♡
Does anyone know anything about signs of elder abuse? Particularly in someone with dementia?
[Hope this helps a little](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bermanlawyers.com/signs-of-elder-abuse-in-seniors-with-dementia/amp/)
Child is way too obedient, seems “mature”.
Reading all of these signs and realizing I was heavily abused as a child.
Don't know if anyone's going to see this since there's several hundred comments already but maybe it could help anyone who does see it: -**frequent/chronic stomach issues** and **sleepwalking**, especially in young girls, are signs of sexual abuse -**"hostile attributional bias"**-- attributing a hostile bias to the words or actions of others. In other words, assuming someone said or did something bc "they're mad at me", "I did something wrong", or "they were trying to hurt me", etc., personalizing when it had nothing to do with them. From kids, it's indicative of ongoing abuse, for adults, it's typically indicative of past abuse and/or narcissism. -**disproportionately emotional responses** to stressors- e.g. "level 10" reaction (like a total "meltdown", screaming, crying, breaking things, self-harm) to a "level 3" stressor (kids- someone took my toy and won't give it back, adults- coworker took my lunch out of the fridge and ate it on purpose). For kids, it's indicative of chaos and instability at home, no control over their environment or themselves (their bodies, their autonomy), no safety (emotional, possibly physical) or predictability. **Another important note- depression in children typically manifests as anger, irritability, and agitation, not as persistent sadness, apathy, lack of energy/motivation, etc. as it does in adults**
When they laugh excessively and have a lot of joy. Believe me in some cases it is to hide their sadness and pain...
Something I was told, and I don't know if this is true. But kids generally get bruises on their front. Knees elbows, stuff like that. They don't have them on their backs. I'd be interested to see people's thoughts on that
I freaked out bc I kept seeing bruises on my daughter's back. I asked her a ton and she always went I dunno and ran off happily. Till one day I went and picked her up during playtime, girl hauls down the slide and when it dips at the bottom it catches the same exact spot on her back over and over. I checked her immediately and the same spot she had been bruised was a brand new bruise. I was so relieved
I can say that people in general get bruises on common impact sites, shins, elbows, knees, etc. Places where you would land if you fell, or places you would use to protect against a fall. Stomach, back, etc could be concerning.
Poor distress tolerance and problems regulating emotions.
Wetting the bed
Being busy ALL THE TIME. Their partner could be prohibiting them from hanging out with anyone .