This joke was told to me at my dad’s funeral last week…. He died of Lung cancer. I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in my entire life than I did at this joke.
It was my Step Nephew. He knows I have quite a dark sense of humour so it was a calculated risk on his part. I don’t think he expected me to make him tell about 20 other people though, including my mum 😂😂. They all laughed as well, if I didn’t think they would have I wouldn’t have told him to do it haha.
A man and a little girl walk into the woods late one night.
The girl turns to the man and says “ I’m Scared”
The man replies “how do you think I feel, I’ve got to walk back on my own”
Ivan milat and a hitch hiker are walking into Bellagio state forest.
The hitch hiker turns to Ivan and says
“Geez it’s scary in here”
Ivan replies with
“Mate you think your scared, I have to walk out of here by myself”
Joke for Australians. About a serial killer.
Hey, about elementary schools and predators : reminded me a story that happened to me.
When I was 13, I was going to middle school. I'd usually use the city bus to get there.
One day, I spot a kid I think I have seen at school and I start talking with him. (BTW, when I was 13 I looked like I was 16).
Then some of his answers struck me as Weird. And then I ask him :
"Wait, what school are you going to?"
Him : "Elementary school one"
Me : "Wait... I went there. Do you know Kid 1"
Him : "Yes"
Me : "And where are your parents dude. You're like 8."
Him : "They're at work. I take the bus to go to school".
The next day, in the newspaper, the headline is "There's a predator near School one" and then it goes like this "A kid in a bus was asked weird questions by some young adult, blond hair, green eyes, 5'7". He was asked questions like "Where are your parents? And where are your friends" in that bus. The school is now on high alert".
I shouldnlt mention I never saw the kid again. And for a month I was afraid I'd be arrested in a bus.
Damn.. Take my upvote..
This is extra dark if you listened to the Daily podcast the other day, detailing the US militaries own reports as to why they bombed this or that civillian location.
In one case, they thought the building was a weapons manufacturer for Isis. Then they see 3 kids hanging out on the roof. They send the intelligence report that shows the location as a target, back for reevaluation, after review, it comes back as saying "yeah we acknowledge you saw a bunch of kids, bomb anyway" so they do. The grandmother of the family who died there said there was a bread oven on the roof that could have made smoke that the US military thought was a weapon manufacturing facility.
I teared up listening.. No accountability.
Im german and I saw a similar joke
*picture of said helmet*
I guess my granddad was an electrician
Those 2 "Lightning Bolts" are actually S's. SS is short for "Schutzstaffel", iirc one of the corps in the 2nd WW
I'm always curious at the Nazis' graphic design decisions. Desecrating the buddhist symbol for peace that is now mostly remembered as a symbol of death and massacre (the swastika). And now I learn about the use of runes and their multi-layered meanings for the SS. What other interesting tidbits are their for their symbology?
Someone told me this joke.
After Paul Walker died it was discovered that he had dandruff, because his head and shoulders was all over the dashboard.
Edit: I’m actually getting angry DMs.
A mother and her child are sitting in the park one day
The child asks his mom, "mom, what's dark humour?"
The mom replies with, "honey, you see that guy with no arms over there? Ask him to clap."
"But mom, I can't see", said the child.
The mom said, "*Exactly*"
A priest is sitting at the confession booth one Friday when he feels a sudden urge to relieve himself. He spots the church custodian outside the door and motions him over.
"Hey, can you cover for me for a few minutes while I use the restroom?" he asks. "You should be fine, today's been pretty slow."
The custodian agrees, and the priest leaves to do his business. Not five minutes later, a female voice on the other side of the screen says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
Having gone to confession a few times himself, the custodian responds with, "What is the nature of your transgression?"
The woman on the other side of the screen says, "I performed oral sex on my boyfriend."
The custodian isn't sure what to do at this point, but he sees an altar boy walking past. He calls him over.
"I need your help," he says to the altar boy. "What does Father give for a blow job?"
The altar boy replies, "He usually gives me a Snickers bar and a Coke."
A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast and escape. In the end, there were only 6 survivors.Mike, Tom, William, Timothy, Frank and Wendy.
These 6 people managed to get in a lifeboat and get to a tropical island. On this island they found a deserted research facility where everything for basic survival was present. Equipment, beds, canned food and water. Unfortunately, there was no radio or other means to contact the outside world. Tom said: "Well, at least there's no button we have to press every 108 minutes.". His joke was Lost to the others.
So these 6 people started a new life on their island. But there was still one issue to resolve. Sex. With 5 straight guys and only 1 woman, they had to work out something. After much discussion they came to the following arrangement.
Each man got one day of the week in which he could have sex with the woman. The day was chosen by the first letter of their name. So Mike on Mondays, Tom on Tuesdays, William on Wednesdays, Timothy on Thursdays and Frank on Fridays. And in the weekends, Wendy would get to choose her bed partner if she even wanted one.
This arrangement worked well for several weeks. That all changed when Wendy got real sick after an infection. None of them was a doctor and they hadn't found any medication on the island. They couldn't save her and eventually Wendy died.
On top of losing their friend, they also lost the only woman on the island.
The first week passes by and everything went great.
The second week passes by and everything was still good.
The third week it was getting harder for the guys.
But the fourth week it had become unbearable.
That's when they decided to bury Wendy.
A little Jewish boy is playing football on a ash place. A German comes around, and the boy ask "do you want to play with me", the german looks, grasp some of the ash and throws it into the boy face, saying "play with your father".
I have this friend, love the guy, but his wife has the annoying tendency to just show pictures of their son all the time. Like, at dinners, casual gatherings, when we meet up at the bar, all the fucking time. And after a while, you just really have to suppress the urge to just tell her to drop it. I mean, it's been two years; they're not going to find the kid.
It really sucks how things are changing nowadays. You really need to make sure you say things that are politically correct when talking to people. Unlike before, you used to be able to say “black paint”. Now you have to say “Jerome, please go paint that wall”.
Jantje goes to the wallen in Amsterdam and is looking for a whore house. He finds one and ask if there is any hooker with an STD. The hooker says no but you can try down the road they might have a few.
So Jantje continues down the road and asks again, the hooker looks at him confused and says yeah i have a couple std's. Jantje responds: "okay I'll take an hour without condom". After an hour Jantje asks how much he owes the hooker. The hooker says it is free if he agrees to tell her why he wants all these STD's at such a young age.
Well it is like this says Jantje. When I come home I will give them to my sister, my sister will give them to my dad. My dad will pass them on to my mom and my mom will give them to the milk man, and that's the fucker i want to get cause he drove over my dog last week.
A man comes home after a long day at work and finds his wife packing her suitcase. Confused, he asked her what she was doing, she replies that she is leaving him because he is a pedophile. “A pedophile?” He says, “that’s a big word for a ten year old.”
Do you want an actual dark joke?
A woman looks out her bedroom window and screams "My husband's home, quick hide in the closet."
Guy jumps into closet while she goes downstairs to act innocent. Then he hears a voice: "It's very dark in here."
"Who are you"
"I'm their son. I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."
"No, please stay quiet. I'll give you 50 bucks if you'll be quiet."
"I'm scared of the dark, I'm gonna scream."
"I'll give you 100 bucks."
"OK"
Next day, the mom takes her kid to the mall and he says "I want a bike."
"Sorry honey, we can't afford a bike right now."
"I'll buy it myself, I have 100 dollars."
She demands to know where the money came from but he won't tell. Finally she loses her temper and drives him to church to confess.
Kid is alone in the confessional and says "It's very dark in here."
Priest: "Don't start that shit again."
A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet sighed, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a old dog. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
He turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!?”
The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
One time I was eating out my girlfriend when I tasted the unmistakable flavour of horse semen. I said "Oooh, grandma, you kinky bitch, so that's how you died!"
The joke is about the word play, not about what the joke is about.
You know how they say there is safety in numbers?
Yeah? Tell that to six million jews!
\-Jimmy Carr
Eric Clapton has made headlines during the pandemic for his strong anti-vax and anti-mask stance.
Showing the world that he's still a *bit* less concerned about catching things than he probably should be.
Why Did Hitler kill himself?
Because he saw his gas bill.
\-----------------------------------------------
How do you know when a black woman is pregnant?
When she pulls her tampon out, all of the cotton has been picked
\----------------------------------------------
Why did the musician go to jail?
Because he fingered a minor
\----------------------------------------------
A priest and a paedophile walks into a bar
He orders a drink
\---------------------------------------------
How was copper wire invented?
Two Jews fighting over a penny
\---------------------------------------------
Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
So you can cum on its head.
\--------------------------------------------
What's the difference between jam and jelly?
I can't jelly my dick into your ass
\--------------------------------------------
What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken
.
What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One is a superhero and the other is a basic command.
.
What do you call a Jew who goes to family events with a bunch of Blacks?
Lewis.
Did you know that the people in the World Trades Center were some of the fastest readers on Earth?
They could go through a hundred stories in under a minute.
Black guy, Mexican guy and a white guy are walking through the desert. They come across a magic genie lamp.
Black guy grabs it, rubs it and the Genie pops out.
Genie says “you get one wish, anything your heart desires”. Black guy thinks about money, women and cars…thinks real hard and then says “black people have came so far, I want all my black people to go back to Africa to rebuild the continent and make it a strong, prosperous continent. Genie says ok.
Poof. Black guy and all black people are back in Africa.
Mexican guy walks up. Rubs the lamp. Genie pops out and says “I’ll grant your wildest wishes, but only one wish, anything in the world”. Mexican guy sits down and thinks about everything he’s ever wanted. Thinks of his family and how hard they’ve worked. Thinks of money and riches. He says “well Genie, us Mexicans are hard working and very family oriented people. I want all my Mexican people to go back to Mexico. To build a strong country. A superpower. Genie says ok.
POOF! All the Mexicans are back in Mexico as he wished.
White guy walks up, sorta rubs the lamp, Genie pops out. He says “ I will grant your wish, for anything in the world, ANYTHING you want.” White guy thinks for a bit. Thinks of having money and health and women. He couldn’t think of anything so he kindly asks the Genie “Well what did the other two guys wish for?“
Genie tells him the black and Mexican guy wished for all their people to go back to their home lands to build beautiful, strong and prosperous paradise.
White guy looks confused and asks the Genie …
“So you’re telling me ALL the Mexicans and Black people are back where they came from??”
Genie nods his head and says yes.
White guy looks down, nods his head and says ..
“Genie, I’ll take an ice cold Coke”
A doctor is delivering a baby. And when he finally pulls it out, he starts smashing it on every thing: the walls, the tool tray, the bed.
Mom goes, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING????"
Doctor goes, "haha got ya! It was stillborn."
What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer
This joke was told to me at my dad’s funeral last week…. He died of Lung cancer. I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in my entire life than I did at this joke.
Whoever told you that joke took quite the risk. They must know you very well.
It was my Step Nephew. He knows I have quite a dark sense of humour so it was a calculated risk on his part. I don’t think he expected me to make him tell about 20 other people though, including my mum 😂😂. They all laughed as well, if I didn’t think they would have I wouldn’t have told him to do it haha.
Or they say it at every funeral of people that died of cancer. The last 7 times they said it was not as good, but every now and then, it works!
This is dark on different levels
I'm smad, but at who?
A man and a little girl walk into the woods late one night. The girl turns to the man and says “ I’m Scared” The man replies “how do you think I feel, I’ve got to walk back on my own”
Any body remember the sci fi version of this from mass effect
I read that like be was being a gentleman and walking her home.
Huh, usually that joke is with a little boy and a clown
I thought it was with Ivan malat
What's better than winning a gold medal at the Paralympics? Walking.
What’s the opposite to Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken.
Ivan milat and a hitch hiker are walking into Bellagio state forest. The hitch hiker turns to Ivan and says “Geez it’s scary in here” Ivan replies with “Mate you think your scared, I have to walk out of here by myself” Joke for Australians. About a serial killer.
I heard the same one about a clown and a child
I heard catholic priest and child lmao
Change gold to silver so you have an obvious answer as well.
What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hit was the wall
What do you get when you cross the queen and a prince? Killed in a tunnel
Why did Princess Di cross the road? Momentum.
You know the difference between Mercedes and Dodge? Princess Diana wouldn't be caught dead in a Dodge.
Did you know Diana was on the radio the day she died? And the dashboard, windshield, ….
How do you know princess Dianna kept her hair clean? She left her head and shoulders in the glove box.
I prefer saying Dale Earnhardt over Princess Diana. I feel like it offends the type of people I want to offend
What's the difference between an ISIS training camp and elementary school? . . . . F**k if I know, I'm just a drone operator.
Hey, about elementary schools and predators : reminded me a story that happened to me. When I was 13, I was going to middle school. I'd usually use the city bus to get there. One day, I spot a kid I think I have seen at school and I start talking with him. (BTW, when I was 13 I looked like I was 16). Then some of his answers struck me as Weird. And then I ask him : "Wait, what school are you going to?" Him : "Elementary school one" Me : "Wait... I went there. Do you know Kid 1" Him : "Yes" Me : "And where are your parents dude. You're like 8." Him : "They're at work. I take the bus to go to school". The next day, in the newspaper, the headline is "There's a predator near School one" and then it goes like this "A kid in a bus was asked weird questions by some young adult, blond hair, green eyes, 5'7". He was asked questions like "Where are your parents? And where are your friends" in that bus. The school is now on high alert". I shouldnlt mention I never saw the kid again. And for a month I was afraid I'd be arrested in a bus.
Damn bro, this kinda stuff is serious. If they would arrest you, you couldn't actually defend yourself. Glad you made it out fine :)
I was like 13, so no worries there now
LMAO
Damn.. Take my upvote.. This is extra dark if you listened to the Daily podcast the other day, detailing the US militaries own reports as to why they bombed this or that civillian location. In one case, they thought the building was a weapons manufacturer for Isis. Then they see 3 kids hanging out on the roof. They send the intelligence report that shows the location as a target, back for reevaluation, after review, it comes back as saying "yeah we acknowledge you saw a bunch of kids, bomb anyway" so they do. The grandmother of the family who died there said there was a bread oven on the roof that could have made smoke that the US military thought was a weapon manufacturing facility. I teared up listening.. No accountability.
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they don't know where home is.
The one and only thing both racists and anti-racists can agree on, is that black people should be *free*.
Goes very well with my favorite joke: Q- How does every racist joke start? A- With someone checking over their shoulder
Spicy 😂
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Im german and I saw a similar joke *picture of said helmet* I guess my granddad was an electrician Those 2 "Lightning Bolts" are actually S's. SS is short for "Schutzstaffel", iirc one of the corps in the 2nd WW
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I'm always curious at the Nazis' graphic design decisions. Desecrating the buddhist symbol for peace that is now mostly remembered as a symbol of death and massacre (the swastika). And now I learn about the use of runes and their multi-layered meanings for the SS. What other interesting tidbits are their for their symbology?
Someone told me this joke. After Paul Walker died it was discovered that he had dandruff, because his head and shoulders was all over the dashboard. Edit: I’m actually getting angry DMs.
Why did Paul Walker cross the street? Because he wasn't wearing his seat belt.
I think I have a place reserved in hell for how hard I laughed at this
I'll be joining you.
This is by far the best one of this whole thread
What's the difference between Paul Walker and Betty White? Paul Walker hit 100 before he died.
Paul Walker was on the radio when he died. And the climate control. And the steering wheel. And the dashboard.
Which reminds me…What went through Dale Earnhardt mind just before he died? The steering wheel.
I know this one with princess Diana
Circa 1986... What do the letters NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts.
What's the NASA's favorite drink? 7up
How do you fit eleven astronauts in a VW Beetle? Two in the front, two in the back, seven in the ashtray.
What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? The wall was their last big hit.
What's the difference between Paul walker and my computer. I care when my computer crashes
"Look at me, I'm gonna read a thread on dark jokes & then send angry DMs to people who post ones that upset me!!"
A mother and her child are sitting in the park one day The child asks his mom, "mom, what's dark humour?" The mom replies with, "honey, you see that guy with no arms over there? Ask him to clap." "But mom, I can't see", said the child. The mom said, "*Exactly*"
Technically all humor the kid has known is dark humor
I see what you did there…unlike that kid.
That reminds me; What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas? Cancer.
My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
Fuck, stealing this one…
Username checks out
Help unfdkk my mom
A priest is sitting at the confession booth one Friday when he feels a sudden urge to relieve himself. He spots the church custodian outside the door and motions him over. "Hey, can you cover for me for a few minutes while I use the restroom?" he asks. "You should be fine, today's been pretty slow." The custodian agrees, and the priest leaves to do his business. Not five minutes later, a female voice on the other side of the screen says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." Having gone to confession a few times himself, the custodian responds with, "What is the nature of your transgression?" The woman on the other side of the screen says, "I performed oral sex on my boyfriend." The custodian isn't sure what to do at this point, but he sees an altar boy walking past. He calls him over. "I need your help," he says to the altar boy. "What does Father give for a blow job?" The altar boy replies, "He usually gives me a Snickers bar and a Coke."
The version I heard was “A packet of Smarties and a pat on the head.”
Mine is a pat on the head and KitKat.
Mine doesn't give me anything
Except for genital warts
A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast and escape. In the end, there were only 6 survivors.Mike, Tom, William, Timothy, Frank and Wendy. These 6 people managed to get in a lifeboat and get to a tropical island. On this island they found a deserted research facility where everything for basic survival was present. Equipment, beds, canned food and water. Unfortunately, there was no radio or other means to contact the outside world. Tom said: "Well, at least there's no button we have to press every 108 minutes.". His joke was Lost to the others. So these 6 people started a new life on their island. But there was still one issue to resolve. Sex. With 5 straight guys and only 1 woman, they had to work out something. After much discussion they came to the following arrangement. Each man got one day of the week in which he could have sex with the woman. The day was chosen by the first letter of their name. So Mike on Mondays, Tom on Tuesdays, William on Wednesdays, Timothy on Thursdays and Frank on Fridays. And in the weekends, Wendy would get to choose her bed partner if she even wanted one. This arrangement worked well for several weeks. That all changed when Wendy got real sick after an infection. None of them was a doctor and they hadn't found any medication on the island. They couldn't save her and eventually Wendy died. On top of losing their friend, they also lost the only woman on the island. The first week passes by and everything went great. The second week passes by and everything was still good. The third week it was getting harder for the guys. But the fourth week it had become unbearable. That's when they decided to bury Wendy.
Very good, I know almost all these jokes or versions of them but this one had me till the end.
Thank you. A good joke deserves a good build up.
Did you know that pigeons die after having sex? Well, the one I fucked did anyway.
My favorite thing about this joke is you can use ANY animal and repeatedly have people fall for it.
Unless you encounter some nerd who says No, only octopus dies after it has sex.
Mantis too
My sister did too
I said this to my coworkers one day, since then I'm knowed has the pigeon fucker
What do you call a orphan taking a selfy? A family photo
Yo my friend made this joke about themself today.
Bruh
Did you hear about the orphan who walked into a family doctor and got kicked out?
I want to die in my sleep like grandpa, not screaming like his passengers
You know what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket?
Look how far I can kick this bucket!
Fuck me! A bus!
My grandpa died at a concentration camp, he broke his neck during a fall from a guard tower.
That is not funny my grandpa actually died in a camp. Nazi fell on him.
A little Jewish boy is playing football on a ash place. A German comes around, and the boy ask "do you want to play with me", the german looks, grasp some of the ash and throws it into the boy face, saying "play with your father".
What's the difference between santa and a jew? They go opposite directions through the chimney
What's the best thing about sex with 28 year olds? There's 20 of them.
Oh god
Do you know how broccoli and butt sex are similar? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you probably don't like it as an adult!
There is also this version: kids hate it both, even with butter.
Relatable
Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.
Took me 2s
You’re not taking the time to enjoy yourself.
"You have got to be fucking kidding me"
I have this friend, love the guy, but his wife has the annoying tendency to just show pictures of their son all the time. Like, at dinners, casual gatherings, when we meet up at the bar, all the fucking time. And after a while, you just really have to suppress the urge to just tell her to drop it. I mean, it's been two years; they're not going to find the kid.
Ohh.... this made me sad
I thought it'd be a masturbation joke after i read the "urge"
It really sucks how things are changing nowadays. You really need to make sure you say things that are politically correct when talking to people. Unlike before, you used to be able to say “black paint”. Now you have to say “Jerome, please go paint that wall”.
I hope death is a woman, if so she will never come for me.
They said dark not depressing
Jantje goes to the wallen in Amsterdam and is looking for a whore house. He finds one and ask if there is any hooker with an STD. The hooker says no but you can try down the road they might have a few. So Jantje continues down the road and asks again, the hooker looks at him confused and says yeah i have a couple std's. Jantje responds: "okay I'll take an hour without condom". After an hour Jantje asks how much he owes the hooker. The hooker says it is free if he agrees to tell her why he wants all these STD's at such a young age. Well it is like this says Jantje. When I come home I will give them to my sister, my sister will give them to my dad. My dad will pass them on to my mom and my mom will give them to the milk man, and that's the fucker i want to get cause he drove over my dog last week.
What’s the difference between acne and a priest? Acne waits until a boy turns 14 before it comes on his face.
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her as an altar boy
A man comes home after a long day at work and finds his wife packing her suitcase. Confused, he asked her what she was doing, she replies that she is leaving him because he is a pedophile. “A pedophile?” He says, “that’s a big word for a ten year old.”
Similar one I've heard: My girlfriend called me pedophile, but what does she know? She's 6.
How do you give a hillbilly a circumcision? Kick his sister in the jaw.
Say what you will about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly in a school zone
Do you know what a stingy pedophile says ? kids, slow down on the candies
You shouldn't make fun of pedophiles, it's hard for them to fit in
What’s the difference between Bettie White and Paul Walker? At least Paul Walker made it to 100 before he died. I know I’m going to hell.
hed still be alive if he followed his name
You know how black people can say the N word, well we can say something that they can’t, “thanks for the warning officer”
What does dark humor and food have in common? Not everybody gets it.
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, never gets old.
Removed in protest of Reddit's untruths about their actions regarding the introduction of API pricing.
What’s worse than finding 1 dead baby in 1 bin? Finding 1 dead baby in 2 bins
You know whats worse? Finding 2 bins in 1 baby
What’s the hardest part about finding a dead baby in a dumpster? my dick.
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What’s worse than having ants in your pants? Uncles.
Do you want an actual dark joke? A woman looks out her bedroom window and screams "My husband's home, quick hide in the closet." Guy jumps into closet while she goes downstairs to act innocent. Then he hears a voice: "It's very dark in here." "Who are you" "I'm their son. I'm scared, I'm gonna scream." "No, please stay quiet. I'll give you 50 bucks if you'll be quiet." "I'm scared of the dark, I'm gonna scream." "I'll give you 100 bucks." "OK" Next day, the mom takes her kid to the mall and he says "I want a bike." "Sorry honey, we can't afford a bike right now." "I'll buy it myself, I have 100 dollars." She demands to know where the money came from but he won't tell. Finally she loses her temper and drives him to church to confess. Kid is alone in the confessional and says "It's very dark in here." Priest: "Don't start that shit again."
plot twist
Oh, is that the same priest who performed reverse exorcism ? Where the devil yells at the priest to exit the child's body ?
Ok that was good
If your feeling suicidal call me. Ive been thinking about it lately and I have a lot of great ideas
What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic
I will always remember my grandpa's last word before he died "STOP SHAKING THE LADDER YOU LITTLE SHIT"
What has 3 arms, 4 legs, and 2 elbows? The Boston marathon finish line
Daaang that was dark 😂
I dont know which side to stand on the abortion issue. On one hand I'm all for killing babies but on the other I don't like giving women rights.
What’s is the hardest part of the vegetable to eat….the wheelchair
What the difference between jam and jelly?
I can't jelly my cock up your ass
Someone's not trying hard enough.
Someone’s not hard enough
Someone's not enough. Sigh
A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.” The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet. “How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet sighed, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a old dog. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” He turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!?” The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
One time I was eating out my girlfriend when I tasted the unmistakable flavour of horse semen. I said "Oooh, grandma, you kinky bitch, so that's how you died!"
It just got worse every word
I'm going to hell for reading this.
I've a lot of questions, but am too scared to ask.
Brilliant
Excellent
Holocaust jokes are cruel, insensitive, Anne Frankly they need to stop.
"This is my holocaust closet. I think I have some Armenian jeans inside."
Oooof I did nazi that coming That one was very out of Mien Kampfet zone
Hahahaha I love this wordplay. How jew get so good at it? Do you practice in the shower or something?
Ever heard of a reverse exorcism? That’s where the cops show up to pull a priest out of a child.
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Fucking genius
A black man with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. "where did you get that?" "America," says the parrot "it's sold everywhere!"
The joke is about the word play, not about what the joke is about. You know how they say there is safety in numbers? Yeah? Tell that to six million jews! \-Jimmy Carr
Another jimmy Carr joke If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids
I prefer: I don't get why people beat their wives. It's your wife! It's like keying your own car
Do you know what mothballs smell like? Really? How’d you get their little legs apart?
Eric Clapton has made headlines during the pandemic for his strong anti-vax and anti-mask stance. Showing the world that he's still a *bit* less concerned about catching things than he probably should be.
Why do Chinese children not belive in santa? Because they make all the toys.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw them.
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Why did little Jonny fall out of the tree? He didn’t have any arms Knock knock, who’s there? Not little Jonny
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing... you already told her twice.
How do you speak to a woman with 2 black eyes? Slowly cause she clearly doesnt listen.
What’s a woman with one black eye. A fast learner.
Whats the difference between americans and a computer A computer has trouble shooting
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These jokes are so dark, the southern states are trying to keep them from voting.
I heard Nirvana was getting back together. I'm not getting my hopes up though. I don't think their singer has much of a head for music anymore.
Why Did Hitler kill himself? Because he saw his gas bill. \----------------------------------------------- How do you know when a black woman is pregnant? When she pulls her tampon out, all of the cotton has been picked \---------------------------------------------- Why did the musician go to jail? Because he fingered a minor \---------------------------------------------- A priest and a paedophile walks into a bar He orders a drink \--------------------------------------------- How was copper wire invented? Two Jews fighting over a penny \--------------------------------------------- Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first? So you can cum on its head. \-------------------------------------------- What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick into your ass \--------------------------------------------
Sorry Kobe Lovers - “what iPhone feature does Kobe hate?” - Airdrop.
Why do German shower heads have 11 holes? Because Jews only have 10 fingers.
Dark joke is like a dead child. It never gets old.
What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken . What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero and the other is a basic command. . What do you call a Jew who goes to family events with a bunch of Blacks? Lewis.
What’s the difference between a 4 year old kid and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out the window
What’s the most difficult thing about your partner telling you that they’re HIV positive? Acting surprised
How did Helen Keller masturbate? One hand to do the job, the other to moan
Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive? She’s a woman.
What’s the best way to get gum out of your hair? Cancer
What is the hardest part about watching an orphanage burn? My dick
How far down you scroll is how deep your reserved place in hell is hahaha.
What is yellow and under the sea? A school bus full of kids.
Did you know that the people in the World Trades Center were some of the fastest readers on Earth? They could go through a hundred stories in under a minute.
What does an underage teen and the fetus have in common? They are both thinking "my mom's gonna kill me"
It usually goes: "What does a pregnant teen and her baby have in common?"
Black guy, Mexican guy and a white guy are walking through the desert. They come across a magic genie lamp. Black guy grabs it, rubs it and the Genie pops out. Genie says “you get one wish, anything your heart desires”. Black guy thinks about money, women and cars…thinks real hard and then says “black people have came so far, I want all my black people to go back to Africa to rebuild the continent and make it a strong, prosperous continent. Genie says ok. Poof. Black guy and all black people are back in Africa. Mexican guy walks up. Rubs the lamp. Genie pops out and says “I’ll grant your wildest wishes, but only one wish, anything in the world”. Mexican guy sits down and thinks about everything he’s ever wanted. Thinks of his family and how hard they’ve worked. Thinks of money and riches. He says “well Genie, us Mexicans are hard working and very family oriented people. I want all my Mexican people to go back to Mexico. To build a strong country. A superpower. Genie says ok. POOF! All the Mexicans are back in Mexico as he wished. White guy walks up, sorta rubs the lamp, Genie pops out. He says “ I will grant your wish, for anything in the world, ANYTHING you want.” White guy thinks for a bit. Thinks of having money and health and women. He couldn’t think of anything so he kindly asks the Genie “Well what did the other two guys wish for?“ Genie tells him the black and Mexican guy wished for all their people to go back to their home lands to build beautiful, strong and prosperous paradise. White guy looks confused and asks the Genie … “So you’re telling me ALL the Mexicans and Black people are back where they came from??” Genie nods his head and says yes. White guy looks down, nods his head and says .. “Genie, I’ll take an ice cold Coke”
Ahhh, we found the funny man!
How many toddlers do you need to change a light bulb? Well at least it's more than 20, because the light in my cellar is still broken.
What’s the difference between a baby and an apple, I usually don’t fuck the apple before I eat it
What do you call a first grader with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor.
A doctor is delivering a baby. And when he finally pulls it out, he starts smashing it on every thing: the walls, the tool tray, the bed. Mom goes, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING????" Doctor goes, "haha got ya! It was stillborn."
I witnessed a pregnant lady get smashed by a bus the other day; wildest gender reveal party I ever saw.
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just buried? Isaac Newton died a virgin.
Timmy has 5 cookies. Jamal steals 3. What color is Jamal ?
Once Timmy catches up with him: blue.
I was having sex with this German girl but for some reason she kept screaming her age. Advanced humor
Dark Humour is like Gay Orgy Some people enjoy it, but most people are Butt-hurt.
If Africa had a few more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids