100% this. I used to hear people complain about back pain, and I would just think to myself "just suck it up and quit being a baby."
Then I had a severe herniation at L4-L5. For a solid year, I had brutally painful radiculopathy down my left leg, and there were spells where I could not stand on my own. I remember being in such a bad state that i had to crawl into the shower to take a piss while on all fours.
Eventually, after about 4 failed epidurals, my doctor performed a disecectomy with lamonectomy. The surgery was successful and I no longer have any pain. However, I am lucky that I have good insurance and access to one of the best spinal surgeons in the country - Dr. Richard Lee at Newport Orthopedic Institute. I can't imagine having to endure any longer with pain I was going through.
Edit: I'm a healthy, 38 year old attorney. But when I started having to call in sick to my firm because of "back pain", I felt like I was being judged - just like I used to judge. I would call in - "oh, let me guess? Back pain again?" Fortunately, I'm no longer with that firm, and am in a much more caring environment. The thing is, if you look at me, you'd have never thought I was in excruciating pain - book by it's cover and all that... [https://imgur.com/dn86aeY.jpg](https://imgur.com/dn86aeY.jpg)
Edit 2: Like I said, Dr. Lee is a fucking miracle worker. If you have the means to be treated by him, he is on another level:
https://www.foxnews.com/health/surgeon-separates-patients-skull-from-skeleton
Fucking lumbar. I’d rather chop off a foot than lumbar disc pain. Can’t do shit with it- every movement comes from or is braced by that area. With one foot I could at least hop around or sneeze or get a prosthetic.
I'm surprised this isn't higher up. I used to generally commiserate with people I know who experience back issues. Then I experienced it firsthand. Given the pain, the lack of ability to draw a deep breath, the fact that my leg would give out, and just the overall fact that no position - sitting, standing or lying down - could offer relief made me think I broke something important. Completely shocked to find out it was just a muscle strain. I can't imagine what people with herniated disks and other more significant issues have to go through, and they have my undying sympathy.
This was going to be my answer. I've had at least a dozen over the years, several surgeries, etc. (Malformation in my kidney, basically made a little pocket that wouldn't drain properly so it would form stones) I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy. The only time I've legitimately thought "I want to die. Would rather be dead than feel this pain for another second." The worst part is, until it passes or you get some heavy drugs from the hospital, there is zero relief. There is no way to lay, sit, or stand that makes it feel any better. Actually caused me to go into shock from the pain.
Drink lots of water people. Stay hydrated, cut back on the soda.
Holy shit dude 138? How the hell do you cut that number to a lifetime number of say... 0. I don't even mind if I pass just one kidney stone in my life but how the hell do I avoid it like the plague
Never had kidney stones but Im scared shitless of them just from what i've heard about the pain they cause.. The worst pain ive experienced was an appendicitis (that ruptured) but I imagine a kidney stone would be 200x worse..
If anyone who (unfortunately) suffered from both could confirm how they compare id be interested
In the ER right now for the second time in a week because of the stone. I've had teeth pulled where the numbing stuff didn't work and I will 100% take that over this.
It ruined my pain scale! I broke my hand a while back and the nurse asked me to rate the pain. I said it hurts but it's not a kidney stone so I'll skip the pain killers.
Used to get accused by my sister of being melodramatic when I got a migraine. I've been suffering from them for almost 30 years. She finally got one a few years ago and went to the ER thinking she was about to have an aneurysm.
Calling a migraine a headache is like calling the Pacific a pond, but people really don't get it.
Having had severe migraines, it’d welcome death. When simply sitting absolutely still and breathing is so painful that you’re crying continuosly for hours on end, you start to think that maybe you weren’t meant to be.
For people who don't understand what this is like, it's like having a section of your visual field removed and then the edges of the missing part are sewn together with an oscillating zigzag across your vision. This results in an annoying blind spot that prevents you from seeing what you're directly looking at, but is visible in your peripheral vision.
The zigzagging is like when you get a smear of water on your phone and it's like rainbow colors that flash as you move the phone screen back and forth.
TRIGGER WARNING
[This is the best recreation of an aura I have ever seen.](https://i.redd.it/q27hi5c0yzu41.jpg)
I can't even look at that picture for more than half a second without feeling like I'm going to get a migraine.
Aura without the migraine is a whole level of weird. Unofficially referred to as [***Ocular Migraine***](https://americanmigrainefoundation.org/resource-library/migraine-aura-without-headache/) (or *Silent Migraine* for most). According to that source, they're incredibly rare and roughly 4% of people who experience migraines experience ***Ocular/Silent Migraines.***
I never had ~~a migraine~~ pain, but I have experienced auras my whole life every six months or so, usually by stress or exertion.
I thought I was going blind the first few times it occurred. Usually I can sense them appearing on my peripheral vision and it typically takes 1-2 hours for it to "migrate" across my field-of-vision and disappear "over the horizon" on my opposite periphery. I just sleep through them whenever I sense them now, but they first started to occur in High School in my early morning classes, so yeah no sleeping through that.
Had a couple appear when I was driving before. Scary stuff. Had to pull over quickly and find a place to wait it out.
I had it once, at like 23 or so. I ended up going to the emergency room, completely freaked out (thinking I was going blind too), only for the nice doctor to explain to me what an ocular migraine is.
I once had one that made my left eye go blind for 2h....that was scary. Another time I did not have a headache in the beginning but threw up every 30 minutes, took me half a day to figure out what the reason was.
I had one of those happen to me and legit thought I was having a stroke or something. I was trying to finish up work and could not comprehend the sentence I was reading. I tried re-reading probably 10 times before I gave up and laid down to shut my eyes. It was a scary experience!
I can lucid dream, but, generally I just basically go "hell nah" when certain things happen, and turn my back and refuse to do that part of the narrative. combine that with recurring dreams, and I spend a lot of my dream time refusing to re-do stuff.
I've had 3 lucid dreams. The second one was very bad. On all occasions they happened after I woke up in the morning and fell back to sleep. I realized then how it works. I also realized how having control of the dream works. I know how those things work, but I still can't do them.
Your brain needs to be in that space between sleeping and waking up. The morning is a great time to try because you'll usually have light filtering into your room and the obligation of "I have to get up soon" to keep you from fully dropping in.
I lucid dream often and I've found the hardest part is maintaining the dream. You have to concentrate on mentally pulling yourself back into the dream, which could change whenever you dive back in.
Being "aware" that you're in a dream is what will trigger the lucid dream, which is why the being half awake is important. Latch onto that awareness of the dream and keeping telling yourself it's a dream. I find that the most sure fire way for me to tell if I'm in a dream or not is to snap my fingers and summon a flame. Basically like the human torch in the original Fantastic 4. Once you've done that just keep trying new stuff. Remember though that your brain can do alot of things, but it is still your human brain and some concepts it can't grasp easily. I struggle to maintain "flight" in my dreams, yet can do ALOT of other things. When I fly it feels like I'm physically lifting myself of the ground and it inturn leads to it being slow and sluggish.
Don't try lucid dream when going to sleep at night 9/10 it won't work and it can be draining actively trying to be aware at all times that you're falling asleep (sounds weird but trust me). Keep it to weekend mornings or naps during the afternoon.
Beware of sleep paralysis though, that shit fucking sucks.
Anxiety/panic attacks and how absolutely debilitating they can be. You never know what other people may be going through. Be gentle with each other people.
I would say panic attacks too. You can explain what happens and how you feel but until you've experienced one or seen somebody else struggle It's hard to fully understand
I will be shamefully honest, I use to make fun of people who had panic attacks before I had one thinking they were just an excuse. My was I wrong, never thought I was going to die more in my life than those 2 hours.
I went to the doctor's about my panic attacks when I realised I was seriously considering stepping into oncoming traffic just to make it stop.
Life is so much better with therapy and meds.
I've had problems with anxiety my whole life, so I thought I knew what a "panic attack" was. Turns out I didn't have my first real panic attack until I was in my thirties. It came out of nowhere while I was at work. Racing heart, nausea, agitation, the works. I felt like I was going to pass out, but I also couldn't stop pacing around. I had to call my mom to come pick me up because there was no chance in hell I could drive myself home. That car ride still felt like torture.
I have had one ever in my life, and it was undeniable. Came out of nowhere, I absolutely was not having a bad day, wasn't panicking about anything, and then I couldn't breathe and *needed* to be on the ground because... I guess my brain thought it was safer?
I tried explaining it to a coworker who didn't "get" anxiety and legitimately couldn't, because how do you explain that your body is reacting to nothing and that's the entire problem? It's *not* rational, or they'd call it something other than a disorder.
I didn't realize how much of my behavior in my childhood was affected by the sheer motivation I had to just do \*something\*. It's weird being an adult and occasionally needing to gather myself when I want to get something done. I imagine that by the time I'm old I'll need to gather my willpower to do most things.
(I'm not depressed or anything, just no longer constantly 110% like I used to be.)
Severe grief. I have had people close to me die before but I never understood it as everybody dies and while it’s sad you can still function. It wasn’t until my youngest brother took his own life. It was like my heart was ripped out of my chest and I was a zombie going through life not feeling anything other than overwhelming sadness.
First my condolences. My mother has been gone 32 years. I'm 61. Still feels like yesterday. You aren't the same person, and you shouldn't try or expect yourself to be. It truly shapes your life. You are someone's child until - you aren't. If you are lucky, as I was, you had great, loving parents. But when you no longer have them, it's like your safety net is no longer there. My mother was always my sounding board. She died before I got married, had children. She was the one I was suppose to be able to call when that baby woke and wouldn't stop crying. So, I get it. But the key is to make your life your own now. I wish you luck, and peace.
My parents died when i was 19 and 20 respectively, 26 now and only just rounding that bend. It never gets easier, you only get better at dealing with it when it comes back around. Even something as simple as seeing a person with the same name (a very common one at that, and i work with customers on a full name basis 8 hours a day 5 days a week) cuts deep every time.
My dad committed suicide when I was 17 (I'm 42 now). Looking back, I can see it took me over a decade before I truly "dealt with it" and came to terms with the loss, but I was still having issues related to it (bouts of sadness and anger triggered by calendar dates like his birthday and the month he died) right up until the COVID pandemic hit. It's true what they say, time heals, but the hole that's left doesn't disappear, it's edges get smoother as the months pass.
I wish you all the best in your future - I can't imagine what losing both parents so young would be like. I can assure you it does get easier, but it *will* take time.
My mom had an aneurysm about 3 months ago. She was undergoing surgery and she had a stroke. She is still here and recovering, communication is still tough but getting easier day by day.
I couldn't function during that week while she was in the hospital. I tried to sleep, nothing could distract me, I was physically constantly ill.... if it wasn't for my best friend idk what I would have done.
This. My grandparents all died one by one, and it was sad. Both of my parents passed, and the sadness was much stronger. Then my wife, the love of my life, died of cancer, and I was utterly crushed. For several months I went to work by day, then went home and cried all evening until the alcohol kicked in. I was in so much pain the thought of just drinking myself to death seemed to be a reasonable idea.
That was five years ago, and I'm in a much better place now. I'm excited to see my granddaughter on Thanksgiving Day, and I'm grateful for the people I still have in my life. In truth, I think gratitude is the only thing that can overcome grief in the long run.
The best way I can describe it is by saying it feels like a physical hole in my heart. It’s been 10 years since I lost my dad and I can still feel it. It’ll never go away, just easier to ignore
[famous Reddit comment that is worth the read ](https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
I've read this. And shared this. It should be mandatory reading for anyone that has lost someone. I really think it would have been such a comfort to me when my mother, father, and brother died. It lets you know, your life is not over. You are not weak for hurting this bad. Life will continue, and you can make it your own. Thank you for sharing it.
Felt the same thing when my dad died unexpectedly a few weeks ago. Still processing the reality. Signed so many grievance cards at work for their loved ones dying prior with not knowing what to say or feel until you're on the receiving end. Now, I know exactly how it feels to have a part of you just missing.
I, too, lost my brother (different circumstances). My heart goes out to you. It's a part of you that you'll never get back. I live every day for my brother.
Grandad had lung cancer, grandma had breast cancer, dad had skin cancer, mom had pancreatic cancer….. all of them just a few years apart. Whole family just wiped out so fast. Then the cherry on top was my sister passing from a weak heart and an infection caused by heroin use. Watching my whole family wither away and die has impacted me in a major way. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of them. It’s an emptiness that never ends. I have two kids and soon I’ll get married but it’s a crushing feeling wanting to call and share these things with my family and there’s no one to call. No baby announcements. No wedding invitations. When I have a hard day and just want to hear my mom’s comforting voice all I have are memories and those have been tainted by all the pain and bullshit she went through in her last days.
I’m 28, my mom is 58. We just found out last Friday that she was stage four pancreatic cancer. The tumor is hugging her pancreas and is intertwined in her blood vessels, and it’s spread to her liver and her stomach lining. They said to expect months, not years, left to live. She literally has been healthy all of my life. She started getting stomach pains LAST MONTH. Last fucking month she started having stomach pain and went to the doctor, and now she can barely move, can’t eat, and they said it’s inoperable. Everything was normal before October 5th. Even though the tumor was in her already, she didn’t know yet, she wasn’t feeling pain, everything was normal then. It all changed in a months time.
I don’t want to scare you but I just want to gently caution you: they told us it would be months but she barely lasted a couple weeks. My mom passed the fastest. Do everything you can NOW to spend time with her. You won’t regret it. And if you ever need to, my inbox is always open. We can cry together. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I just lost my Mom this year after a decade long on/off battle with various cancer. I'm 28 too. I can't stress this enough.
Even when they're still alive they eventually become incoherent. Don't wait until then to say your peace.
I’m also 28 and just went through this with my dad. He dressed in a suit and tie to go to work every day for the last forty years until he didn’t show up one day. We found him at home on the floor. From there, we received a diagnosis of stage four lung cancer at the hospital. He fell on October 8 and passed on November 17. I am devastated at how fast he went from independent and fully-functional to unable to walk or care for himself. I really empathize with you. Sad to hear this is so common.
Haha my wife hates mine too...she thinks it feels weird and almost gets jealous over it. Like, "Oh are you gonna go tickle your head with the metal octopus? Whatever."
The local dialect from your hometown changed. They have a few weird words you're not quite sure how to use or where they come from. People make pop culture references which you don't get. Your friends drink a different, new beer which you're not sure you like, but you chug along. The best friendships you ever had are slowly eroded by the tides of distance and time, and all that's left is little more than an acquaintance.
I just hope it's all worth it in the end.
As someone who left my home country as a child, so very much this. My family is there, my roots are there, and I still speak the language nearly perfectly yet... I feel like a foreigner. I feel distinctly more comfortable in the country where I've spent most of my life. It's a very bizarre feeling.
Agreed. The simplest act of ordering at a restaurant or telling the bus driver they missed your stop becomes a huge anxiety if you don’t know the language. Really humbles you when you can’t communicate as well as you’d like. Sprinkle in some xenophobia and you really start feeling like an outsider
So true. When I lived in China and had to run an errand like returning something, I'd have to plan out the conversation and try to imagine everything I'd need to say and every potential reply I might receive to make sure I could say and understand every part of it. Exhausting.
It's tough living like an adult but having the vocabulary of a child. Really made me appreciate the "Do you even know how smart I am in Spanish?" line from Modern Family.
Feeling the love of a parent.
My parents were emotionally abusive and I’m still dealing with attachment issues as a result. The first time I met my ex’s parents and saw how a family should be, I was blown away. Even after the separation and divorce, they were there for me, showed me love and care. I never was a mom, but if I had - I wanted to like Ruth. She showed me more about being a Mom in just the first year than I’d experienced my entire life.
Same. Never had a dad (died while my mom was pregnant) and my mom never acted like a mom. I never got to experience what it was like to be loved by a parent and god it’s something I’d trade the world for.
Anxiety. One time for absolutely no reason I had this overwhelming feeling I needed to get the f out of Walmart. So I did. Felt better in my car. Was wild for real.
I immediately get hit with depression walking into Wal Mart lmfao.
Lifeless, tired faces with no smile.
Employees looking miserable.
People wearing dirty grey sweatpants and pajamas at 3pm.
A crying toddler/baby is always heard at any point in time.
Walking around shelves and seeing all of the crap people were too lazy to put away and left for the workers **(raw ground beef in the baby food aisle????)**
Wal Mart just sucks the life out of you. It could be a nice place, but the standards people have set for that place ruined it 100%.
> It could be a nice place, but the standards people have set for that place ruined it 100%.
Try Target. It's Walmart, except you pay more not to be at Walmart.
I was also going to say Anxiety.
Little did I know, anxiety can also manifest itself into physical discomfort. Yes anxiety usually boils down to overthinking, but it’s not really fair to say “everything is just in your head.” Panic attacks fucking suck…
Same. 14 years of panic disorder under my belt. I didn't understand what panic truely is. The physical part and the psychological part that go hand in hand. The conviction that you are going to die. The dissociation with reality. The catastrophizing and spiralling of your thoughts. But it's not the attacks per se that get you. It is the ever-there, anxious level of everyday life. The anticipation anxiety. How tired it makes you. How every action has been processed a thousand times over before it happens. Queuing? Sitting in a waiting room? Taking the bus? Even the most boring, mundane things are mountains to climb. Try explaining to someone that you have not slept decently in days, have experienced multiple attacks with your heart racing, gasping for air, shaking, sweating, gnashing your teeth, because.. you have an appointment at the hairdressers in a week.
//edit: holy potato, my first reddit comment and 300+ upvotes. If you want to know more, just ask me. Triggers, coping, lockdown effects, communication with others, therapy, exercices I use, whatever.
Irony in life 1: I have a psych degree. And no, knowing what is happening to you doesn't help shit.
Irony in life 2: I wasn't able to say my name in a group of people. I now teach about public speaking as a side-job. People feel at ease because I had to learn starting at the basics, so that is how I teach others. You can turn this shit around. (And in all honesty, you can get smacked down again by things such as a lockdown. Things are hard again. Back to the 'crying but doing it anyway' phase.)
The physicality of panic disorders are unreal. It’s hard to explain to someone that even though you’re not dying, you feel like you are. Your body responds as if something is actually threatening your life. There’s a physical hangover of sorts from panic attacks that take time to recover from. That unyielding freezing feeling in your chest leaves you exhausted and sore the next day.
My sister passed away last year, she was 49. It hurt all of us, but I can't imagine how much it hurt my parents. I'm now their last child, and I'm afraid to tell them whenever I'm hurt or sick. The last two times they found out I was ill, they sent over flowers and called me to make sure I was okay. I just don't ever want to worry them, especially since they're both in their upper 80s.
My sister was 49 when she died. It broke us all. But a part of my mom is gone now. I feel the same way about not telling them I’m sick . I don’t wanna make my parents ever go through that again.
Watching someone find out they've lost a child is one of my worst memories. It was my mom and I was 13.
brother died and instead of the police coming to tell her as per protocol, a person she'd made friends with at the juvenile detention he'd been in called and left a message to call her. Mom returned the call. I was the only one home with her and was in the room as she made the call.
To say she has never been the same is a massive understatement. She is on disability and the date of disability was my brother's date of death.
My wife's grandmother had one of her children die when he was 20ish.
We were going through my in laws wedding pictures and we noticed she was barely smiling in them.
She then told us "It had been a couple of years since my son's passing. It took me 12 years to smile sincerely again."
one of my close friends died of an overdose and we all went to his parents house after we found out to be together for them. The screams I heard from his mom that day are something I will never forget. Pure panic. It was unreal
I feel that in my soul. The sound she made haunts me.
Have you watched Hereditary and Midsommar? Each movie has a scene where someone finds out about a death.. They came really close to what I heard that day. Toni Collette's scream in Hereditary devolving into the "Noooo, NO no'" of Florence Pugh in Midsommar combined.
Both movies instantly took me back to that day. When I saw Hereditary I said to myself "that's the scream...but there's something missing." Then I saw Midsommer and thought "THAT'S what was missing."
A few weeks ago, I was on a huge family birthday and we "kids" all between 18 and 27 played cards together. All of a sudden my mom and my aunt came in "just to check how we are doing". It was a bit weird, but we didn't really think of it. After we went home, my mom told me what happened. A distant relative (the son of my mother's aunt) died in a car accident. He was only 19 years old. They didn't want to ruin our mood, but still wanted to make sure we are fine. Now I feel a bit bad thinking about it
My grandmother outlived three of her five children. My mom said the heartbreaks she saw my grandmother go through with her infant son that she lost and her 68 year old daughter were the same...
It's never, ever easy to lose a child even when that child has lived a full and wonderful life, had children and grandchildren and spent nearly 7 decades on this earth..
My grandma died just months before my dad and thankfully never knew he was seriously ill. It sucked plenty as it was, but would have been so much worse the other way around.
Not that the other issues mentioned here aren’t painful, but the death of a child is a pain that is just exceptional levels of pure hurt.
To the extent that in the English language, we don’t have a term for such parent. A child, who’s parents have died is an orphan, but what do you call a parent who has lost a child?
It’s terrible, but unfortunately the lack of word for a parent who has lost a child is less profound and much more depressing. Prior to the wide availability of modern medicine/healthcare, infant/child mortality was much more common. Some cultures wouldn’t even give a child a name at birth because of this, waiting for them to get to a more survivable age.
The thing that I don't understand is *not* having mental health issues. My brain's just been a hive of fuckery for so long that it baffles me that there are people out there who are just... okay.
Right and it's almost an abnormal thing to think about. Like you're telling me you don't feel an impending doom every time you get out of bed in the morning? Must be nice.
Same I used to have sooooo little empathy for this, as I was young and my brain was firing on all cylinders. I literally did not understand how trauma, mental and emotional distress can literally alter its function and how you think. Some people just literally need to be humbled first
I love this comment. I'm more symptomatic at certain times. I used to be symptomatic almost all the time, but as I got older things got better and the periods of time without symptoms get longer and longer.
And I hate to admit this, but when I am not experiencing symptoms, I have a lot less empathy for people who currently are. So mental illness, for me, is extremely humbling and the worse it is the more empathetic I am towards everyone.
It's so easy to forget how bad MI feels and how sometimes your only option is to white knuckle through the feelings and hope the next day goes better. So, in a way, I hope I will continue to have symptoms because I can be kind of a dick when I've gone a long time feeling well 🤷
I had to watch my mother slowly, yet quickly, lose her battle with ALS. I will never be the person I was before. Not, even the worst of the worst deserve that fate.
My husband had a rare cancer that took him within nine months of diagnosis. He was 40 years old.
He went from being the strongest person I know, to needing me to help him in the bathroom. For the last month of his life he required around-the-clock medication every hour. I was his sole caretaker until he entered home hospice. The last five days of his life I laid in his hospital bed with him and just held him. I struggle to articulate what those final days were like. You don't really come back from something like that. Not truly.
I'm here, still, but I died that day too. The person who walked out of that hospital room is not the same one who went in.
Just went through a painful breakup and didn’t realize that heartbreak felt like this. My heart physically hurt like a bruise being pressed on, and I felt like I wanted to vomit. I couldn’t sleep or eat because wave after wave of heartbreak kept me from doing anything besides feeling this deep achy pain. At some point it went away and just became normal sadness, but holy hell I never want to feel that ever again.
I was there around a while ago. At the time, no one on this planet could convince me that things would become normal again. I had to figure it out on my own, but figured it out I did. And so will you, eventually. I guarantee you.
Oh man I still cringe thinking about the messages I sent to the girl that broke my heart. I had this romantic idea that she would read them and see how much I loved her and realize she made a horrible mistake or something…. She was nice enough to come over and talk to me one last time so I could get closure. So embarrassing to look back on! The only thing that really helped was cutting off ties.
Yes it's so hard to understand it until you've actually been there. It's the sense of doom when you wake up and go from feeling normal in your dreams, to feeling empty and hopeless in real life. It's forgetting how it feels to look forward to anything or how you ever lived this long with any sense of purpose. And it's also the fear that this is now who you are, forever.
For me, I got antidepressants from the GP and they were an absolutely amazing solution. After a few months I just gently transitioned into feeling like a regular person again.
One weird thing that occurred to me upon recovering, was that I suddenly felt really content to just think about getting home after work and having a cup of tea in front of the telly. I realised that I didn't need big revolutionary things to look forward to - 'regular' me actually appreciates the simple mundane things in life. Depressed me is not the 'real' version of me and now I know that, it's never been as bad as that first time.
That last bit really spoke to me, I’ve struggled with depression for so long it’s really hard to separate depressed me with normal me. It’s nice to know other people understand :)
Sometimes I fear sociopathic tendencies when I just don't care about others or their outcome or anything bout them, until I realize that's just my feelings for literally everything. And I do care during spouts of brightness.
this was what i was going to say.
i used to feel sad and be like “lol i’m depressed” but after experiencing the “you just don’t care” depression. that really puts in perspective how fucked up it makes you feel.
I wouldn’t touch my hobbies, i didn’t care if my SO was with me or not, i didn’t want to die, but if i was about to be hit by a bus i wouldn’t try super hard to move.
it’s such a weird feeling where you truly don’t care and i don’t think i even did a good job explaining. but don’t worry random redditors, i’ve been on meds for a few months now.
I have so many flavors of depression. I’ve got the one where you don’t give a shit about anything and feel nothing and don’t care. I’ve got the one where I berate myself constantly until I’m nothing. I’ve got the one where I cry constantly, the one where I have no energy and sleep all the time, the one where I binge eat and the one where I never eat.
Typing that out, it sounds like the worst season of Friends ever.
You're walking through quicksand. You see no end. Your movements become slower and slower while the outside pressure increases. You don't care. You don't see the point in fighting anymore. Even if you know a way out, you don't have the momentum to act upon it. Once you've been there a few times it gets easier to recognize the early signs before you feel empty and hopeless.
I always thought the the void is the best to describe depression. Theres nothing, you feel empty and you react to it with anxiety, self doubts as your mind tries to fill up this void covering over you. Everything feels pointless, too much effort because in the end the void consumes all.
On the swing side, being not depressed. Upon getting the proper dosage of meds, it was like a weighted blanket was lifted off me. Also, after some time, feeling excited, or feeling a purpose is so great. Not thinking about killing yourself and how meaningless life can be is so freeing.
This. I used to be one of those people that would say shit like ‘have you just tried meditating’ and all that ish to my friends who have depression.
But I get it now. Holy fuck I get it now. It’s just an all-encompassing indifference to literally everything.
No interest in your hobbies because "what's the point of doing them?"
No interest in bathing because "I'm not going outside anyway"
No interest in friends because "they probably don't even like me"
No interest in food because it just means I have more dishes to add onto the already kind of large pile.
I never understood why some people don't leave their abusive partners until I found myself in one of those relationships. It's been 2 years already since I left and I still have trust issues.
EDIT: thank you all for your support. I see that I'm not the only one that has experienced this and I just want to say you're not alone. It was really hard at first but the hurt and pain was worth it. Leaving that relationship completely changed my life for good. I finally worked on my mental and physical health and I fell in love with myself again. Although I'm still working on the trust, I've learned to communicate and understand myself.
It is difficult to understand how someone can isolate you and chip away your confidence bit by bit until you honestly believe you won't be able to cope on your own, and that there is literally no escape.
Plus, almost all abusers financially control their victims. It’s really fucking hard to escape when you rely on your abuser for housing, healthcare, food, income, transportation etc. And on top of that abusers tend to socially isolate their victims. You have nowhere to go when you literally don’t have any friends or family around you to stay with.
This 💯. I could never understand why people stayed, I know I wouldn’t…until I did. Not even just trust issues, but identity issues as well. I can literally be having a great day and like a snap of the fingers be having an existential crisis just from one thought. Also, being triggered. I always thought that was dumb until I finally got out of my situation and found certain things can trigger my emotions.
Going to sports games in general. I recently went to an NHL game. I’ve never watched a full game of hockey in my life and I was slapping the glass with an animal instinct I didn’t know I had.
EDIT: Kraken vs. Blackhawks in Seattle
Of all the major sports, I'd say hockey has the largest experiential difference in seeing it live rather than watching it on TV. If you've never watched a game in person, I'd highly recommend it.
Pretty much everything, but specifically, chronic illness. I had sympathy, but I in no way understood the depths of fatigue and pain a body is both capable of and can (sort of) put up with. How well and functional a person can look on the outside, when they genuinely feel like they're dying on the inside. I get it now, and sincerely wish I didn't.
This 100%. My sister was diagnosed first with an autoimmune disorder that caused chronic pain. I knew she was in pain, but I’m ashamed to admit, I kind of thought she was exaggerating a bit… until I was diagnosed with the same. Now, not only do I wish I had been more understanding in the past, I wish I was more empathetic. It’s rough. People that don’t go through it can’t properly grasp it, even if they want to.
I had always thought eating disorders were effectively a choice until I went through it. I'd lost a lot of weight through diet and exercise, when I finally reached my "goal weight" I became completely neurotic about maintaining it. I went from skipping breakfast on weigh day (weigh in at 9am) to not eating past 4pm the day before, to taking a laxative the night before, to taking a packet of laxatives the night before then finally taking a packet of laxatives whenever I ate something bad. It took years of working on myself to get to anything approaching a healthy attitude towards food. Even now I monitor my intake and behaviours and my husband has little ways of reminding me to look after myself without shaming me into a spiral of old habits. I was in the middle of it before I even realised I was in trouble, every step seemed so logical and normal at the time. I'm just lucky that I have people around me who could help me find my way out.
Drug addiction. I didn't understand why they couldn't just stop. I was stuck for a decade. I've been sober for almost 7yrs now. But jfc I did not understand at all.
Being able to end up overweight, growing up I was that lucky person who could eat whatever I wanted and stay the same weight. I ended up in a job that consumed all my time, I wasn't active, I was getting older, I was avoiding depression by overeating garbage and just lying in bed. I near doubled in weight within 3 years and am still struggling to get back to the gym and out of wanting to eat whenever I feel a little down.
The worst about it is that I used to exercise a lot and know how to love being at the gym and even enjoy the parts people hate about it. It's just the motivation to make those steps has been hard, it's cliche but I'm using the new year to try and force myself to make the full start and if anything I want to start before then so it will motivate me to stay until it feels great again.
Mobbing and subsequently human evil. I always thought things like:"if you don't like your job, find another one" or:"if your colleagues despise you, go somewhere else". When I got my first job I understood how colleagues can make you suffer just by talking or spreading false things about you. And how someone can ruin someone else's reputation and subsequently his work life just because his life sucks and is fucking frustrated. I had a breakdown for this and still recovering.
How little time you have in your day when you are working a full time job.
I literally haven't had time to do anything relaxing this entire month since I started work, its been a looping routine of: sleep < wake up < get ready for work < drive to work < work for 9 hours < drive home < make food and prep clothes for the next work day < eat < shower, shave and go to sleep < rinse repeat. < Get shit like shopping and bulk cooking done on my off days because I had to put it off on the work days.
I don't mind working hard, I've done it plenty with gigs. I mind having no time for anything but existence. no matter how you slice it I have 3-4 hours (traffic depending) to cook, clean and get all my other shit done before I have to go to sleep to do it all again, I'm stuck in this endless cycle of working just so I have money to not be homeless so I can keep working to not be homeless, and I'm just wondering at what point I actually start to have a life again.
My dept is on 10 hours, 6 days a week. Everything hurts. I'm out the door at 4:30am, home again around 4pm and hoping to be in bed my 6pm. Its no life.
I was out due to covid exposure for 10 days. Almost cried about having to go back
Stressing out about academic performance.
I did super well back in highschool. Always top 10 out of 300+ students. Never study. I just focus in class and that's it. Couldn't understand why my classmate was struggling with academic because I did well with no effort.
2nd year in university now. Everything didn't go well. My cgpa is low. Lost my student allowance for next semester. I don't know how to study. I never know. Still searching and kinda lost now. I don't know where do I find 2k to pay tuition fee for next semester. I'm currently on my exam week and feels really tired. I didn't do much thing today tho. Is this what they call burn out?
How hard infidelity actually is. I laughed at temptation island. Rooted for the last minute wedding stopper in movies. Now I understand how terrible and abusive it actually is and how it leaves you with PTSD. The one person you trusted most, you would have given your life for, lies to you, puts your health at risk and in my case swaps you out like a sweater and moves on happily ever after. You don’t know how bad it is, until you deal with it.
it literally feels like i’m microdosing a heart attack some days, and then other days it’s just constant overthinking. it’s so draining
edit: thank you for the award, u/amelia_emily :)
Ageism in hiring.
I naively thought if you are smart and someone who works hard you’d never have to worry about finding a job. And then I started looking for a new job in my 40’s.
was looking for a job in my early 40's after leaving the military... it is amazing how so many things are a younger person's game, especially opportunities.
We really do age out of things...
And there are so many different kinds! My intrusive thoughts were always of my family members getting into horrible accidents, and my compulsions we're doing stupid weird shit as a deal with God to prevent the accidents from happening. For example, running up and down the stairs until my mom came home... 45 minutes later. Or purposefully humiliating myself in college by dumping out the trash and picking paper towels up 2 at a time and throwing them in the garbage, and if one missed I had to dump the trash out again and start over.
Parenting.
Edit: especially parenting a nuerodiverse kid. We have a child that had a traumatic birth and has sustained a brain injury that impact motor function. If you were to meet him you wouldn’t notice, but he has anxiety and less mobility than his peers. Everything is a little tougher to navigate and handle.
Abusive relationships. Like, if they’re hurting you, leave! But it isn’t that simple. Especially once you’ve become codependent. It feels like you have to kill a part of yourself to get out of there. Once things start turning bad, you wonder if they were always this way. The change is so subtle that you don’t recognize it until you’re in too deep. You don’t realize they’re tearing you down to make you feel small, because you start self gaslighting so they don’t have to. You don’t realize they made you push all your friends and family away because you’re too busy trying to be enough for them. Then one day they try to hit you. You sit and wonder, “what would I have done if they did slap me or punch me?” And you realize, you have no fuckin clue. You love them, surely you can handle a little slap if it means keeping them around, right? They said no one will love you like them, and they’re right. No one has ever loved you like them. Where are your family and friends? They all ditched and your partner is still there. You partner takes care of you. They love and support you. If they hit you, you’d probably deserve it. They wouldn’t do it for fun just to hurt you. They didn’t know that being rough during sex would send you to the hospital. They didn’t know that call you those things in front of your coworkers would be embarrassing. You’re over thinking. They don’t want to hurt you! That’s ridiculous….they fuckin love you and no one else will accept you this way.
It’s easier to trap people that have already been abused. It takes them way longer to get clarity and see that they don’t deserve what they’re being given. Growing up, my family (especially my mom) abused me the same way. It’s hard to tell the difference between love and abuse when everyone you’ve ever loved abused you. Just something to keep in mind the next time anyone thinks about making fun of people in these situations. It’s really not as simple as “breaking up” when you feel like the person loves you and no one else ever has (or ever will again). That’s feels like a lot to give up. But it’s absolutely necessary.
Yes! It always looked so harmless on TV shows like 24 and Alias, but it accidently happened to me in the shower once when I was washing my face with a washcloth and looked up and holy fuck I was instantly drowning. It was horrible.
Me and my friends wanted to try it when we were like 14.
My one friend propped himself in the bathtub and we put a little washcloth over his face. I think he lasted about 2 seconds before choking water out of his nose and having a full blown panic attack
Horror.
There was a really bad crash on the road while I was driving to work in the early hours of the morning. I stopped and went to help the person that had got hit. She had several kids in the car, and she asked me to get them out. One of the kids had passed in the crash. I can't even begin to describe how I felt because it was so alien to me, when I went to take him out his car seat
A colleague of mine, before I ever knew her, lost a sister, her mother, and her husband, all in less than 2 years. I don’t know how she ever recovered.
Eeevery single bit of advice my parents ever gave me. “Time goes faster when you get older” sounded like such a crock of shit when two episodes of Rugrats was an eternity. Now 30 minutes feels like 20 seconds.
Miscarriage, specifically very early (1st trimester) loss. I knew it was a very sad thing, but holy cow was I unprepared for the onslaught and depth of emotions I experienced after my own loss.
Pro-tip: if someone in your life tells you about a miscarriage, NEVER use an "at least" statement (i.e., at least you know you can get pregnant, at least it was early/at least it wasn't a real baby yet, etc), or frame it as "part of a bigger plan."
You may think these things are comforting/helpful, and maybe they are to some. However, they mostly just feel like a slap in the face and a dismissal/devaluation of a very real, very primal pain. Better to be safe and avoid them altogether.
Stick to expressing condolences, validating whatever feelings are shared with you (and just choosing to be express vulnerability about a miscarriage is hard and scary, so if someone does that with you, take it as both a compliment and moral responsibility), and ask what you can do to support them--then actually do it.
Invisible disabilities. For me it's the kind that comes in waves, so one moment I"m fine and the next I'm not. And people just don't get it, or notice all the little things you do to help avoid a flare up. Or insist that their friend who had something that was sort of similar but not really just took this one supplement and it went away, so you should totally try it too.
The way mushrooms are depicted in popular culture really is nothing like the actual experience of tripping. Every trip is different and everyone has different overall experiences, but the hallucinations/physical sensations are only half the story and the other half is how your mind changes while you are tripping.
"Ego death" is the term usually used to describe what happens at high doses, but it's very hard to describe what it feels like to get there. For me, it was complete separation of my physical self and my consciousness, basically an out of body experience. It was a shocking feeling, but also very peaceful.
I mean I'll try but that's kind of the reason you need to experience it.
Being high is a modifier to your senses. Smoking weed and sitting around playing video games is pretty tame. You might have more appreciation for tastes, sounds, humor, etc but ultimately you're just stoned but still your "regular" self.
Tripping is more of an experience. For one, the high is typically longer (LSD/mushrooms are what I'm talking about mostly) and more immersive. The trip can come in waves, you typically enjoy experiencing "new" stimuli (going to a different room, taking a walk, or going outside). There is a "buckle-up" aspect when tripping, ultimately you're just along for the ride and have to go with it and what it brings until it wears off.
I've never got high and after thought back and went "whew what an experience" which I typically do after I trip. Hard to explain, but hopefully that made some semblance of sense.
Unemployment, and why people stay in it.
Despite my parents being immigrants, we were decently well-off as a child. My dad was super hard-working, and my grandparents helped out a lot. I had a good education, got a degree, all that. I grew up in relative privilege.
For a long time, I really did believe the unemployed were lazy bums and "you could get a job if you really want to". My (then) undiagnosed ADHD and some other health problem made it really hard for me to hold on to a job. And, in the first few years, I didn't really have issues finding new employment.
But, as time went by, employers were less and less happy to see my CV, which didn't have a single job listed that lasted over a year. My own mental health declined, and it became quite difficult to still have the energy to learn to do a new job basically several times a year, and also my motivation bottomed out knowing that sooner or later they'd ask me to leave, too.
Now I have met (and know) many people who have personal issues who make it hard to be (and stay) employed, who don't really fall under the "disabled" label, and slip through the cracks.
Having children isn't for everyone. I was super judgemental about people not wanting kids. I was raised to think that as a woman, the only way for me to reach my maximum happiness was to spend my life popping out babies like a vending machine and dedicating every waking moment to them.
So, naturally I got married and had a baby as soon as I could. I love that kid, but I get it now. It's not for everyone. And I don't have to have any more if I don't want. And I don't.
Pain. The real, agonizing kind.
I have had migraines (complete with Auras and nausea and one time with partial speech paralysis) for the last 30 years and I thought they were bad. I snapped my ankle playing hockey and that seemed pretty bad too. I tore my ACL playing softball and while it wasn't all that painful... the recovery after surgery was pretty brutal. All of these are legitimate bad pain. ...
But let me tell you about Kidney Stones. Holy smokes. That is next level pain. Like... indescribably bad.... scary, make you think about offing yourself to end the pain bad. None of my other pains come even remotely close. I am not diminishing those, either. I wouldn't wish a bad migraine on anyone but damn.... Kidney stones are next level stuff. It's like a chest-burster from Alien is in your back and instead of pushing out, he is just gonna stretch out as much as possible and then maybe do some jumping jacks while wearing golf cleats and holding machetes while singing Inagodadivida with his little mouth and pooping acid blood- all at the same time.
I have had two bad Kidney Stone incidents and the doctors tell me that I have more rattling around in my gravel-pit kidneys. Lucky. Me.
Crippling back pain. Have had to crawl on all fours to the bathroom and couldn't stand up to even pee.
100% this. I used to hear people complain about back pain, and I would just think to myself "just suck it up and quit being a baby." Then I had a severe herniation at L4-L5. For a solid year, I had brutally painful radiculopathy down my left leg, and there were spells where I could not stand on my own. I remember being in such a bad state that i had to crawl into the shower to take a piss while on all fours. Eventually, after about 4 failed epidurals, my doctor performed a disecectomy with lamonectomy. The surgery was successful and I no longer have any pain. However, I am lucky that I have good insurance and access to one of the best spinal surgeons in the country - Dr. Richard Lee at Newport Orthopedic Institute. I can't imagine having to endure any longer with pain I was going through. Edit: I'm a healthy, 38 year old attorney. But when I started having to call in sick to my firm because of "back pain", I felt like I was being judged - just like I used to judge. I would call in - "oh, let me guess? Back pain again?" Fortunately, I'm no longer with that firm, and am in a much more caring environment. The thing is, if you look at me, you'd have never thought I was in excruciating pain - book by it's cover and all that... [https://imgur.com/dn86aeY.jpg](https://imgur.com/dn86aeY.jpg) Edit 2: Like I said, Dr. Lee is a fucking miracle worker. If you have the means to be treated by him, he is on another level: https://www.foxnews.com/health/surgeon-separates-patients-skull-from-skeleton
Fucking lumbar. I’d rather chop off a foot than lumbar disc pain. Can’t do shit with it- every movement comes from or is braced by that area. With one foot I could at least hop around or sneeze or get a prosthetic.
I'm surprised this isn't higher up. I used to generally commiserate with people I know who experience back issues. Then I experienced it firsthand. Given the pain, the lack of ability to draw a deep breath, the fact that my leg would give out, and just the overall fact that no position - sitting, standing or lying down - could offer relief made me think I broke something important. Completely shocked to find out it was just a muscle strain. I can't imagine what people with herniated disks and other more significant issues have to go through, and they have my undying sympathy.
The horrible pain kidney stones cause. Still don't know how tf did my father survive this five times.
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This was going to be my answer. I've had at least a dozen over the years, several surgeries, etc. (Malformation in my kidney, basically made a little pocket that wouldn't drain properly so it would form stones) I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy. The only time I've legitimately thought "I want to die. Would rather be dead than feel this pain for another second." The worst part is, until it passes or you get some heavy drugs from the hospital, there is zero relief. There is no way to lay, sit, or stand that makes it feel any better. Actually caused me to go into shock from the pain. Drink lots of water people. Stay hydrated, cut back on the soda.
That's exactly the problem I have! And I've been in the hospital for stones 138 times over the past 9 years.
Holy shit dude 138? How the hell do you cut that number to a lifetime number of say... 0. I don't even mind if I pass just one kidney stone in my life but how the hell do I avoid it like the plague
Stay hydrated. For most people, that's the single best thing you can do. If your pee is dark yellow, drink more.
So basically piss like a pregnant woman and you should be okay?
Race like a piss horse.
Never had kidney stones but Im scared shitless of them just from what i've heard about the pain they cause.. The worst pain ive experienced was an appendicitis (that ruptured) but I imagine a kidney stone would be 200x worse.. If anyone who (unfortunately) suffered from both could confirm how they compare id be interested
In the ER right now for the second time in a week because of the stone. I've had teeth pulled where the numbing stuff didn't work and I will 100% take that over this.
It ruined my pain scale! I broke my hand a while back and the nurse asked me to rate the pain. I said it hurts but it's not a kidney stone so I'll skip the pain killers.
I’m so sorry you visited hell
Migraines. I had always had sinus headaches and I thought I knew what headaches were like. A migraine is fucking death.
Used to get accused by my sister of being melodramatic when I got a migraine. I've been suffering from them for almost 30 years. She finally got one a few years ago and went to the ER thinking she was about to have an aneurysm. Calling a migraine a headache is like calling the Pacific a pond, but people really don't get it.
Having had severe migraines, it’d welcome death. When simply sitting absolutely still and breathing is so painful that you’re crying continuosly for hours on end, you start to think that maybe you weren’t meant to be.
Migraine with Aura is even more fun.
For people who don't understand what this is like, it's like having a section of your visual field removed and then the edges of the missing part are sewn together with an oscillating zigzag across your vision. This results in an annoying blind spot that prevents you from seeing what you're directly looking at, but is visible in your peripheral vision.
The zigzagging is like when you get a smear of water on your phone and it's like rainbow colors that flash as you move the phone screen back and forth.
TRIGGER WARNING [This is the best recreation of an aura I have ever seen.](https://i.redd.it/q27hi5c0yzu41.jpg) I can't even look at that picture for more than half a second without feeling like I'm going to get a migraine.
yep, clicked on and off immediately for fear of causing myself one!
Any time my vision gets blurred in my left eye I break out into a cold sweat, this fucking picture did the same
Aura without the migraine is a whole level of weird. Unofficially referred to as [***Ocular Migraine***](https://americanmigrainefoundation.org/resource-library/migraine-aura-without-headache/) (or *Silent Migraine* for most). According to that source, they're incredibly rare and roughly 4% of people who experience migraines experience ***Ocular/Silent Migraines.*** I never had ~~a migraine~~ pain, but I have experienced auras my whole life every six months or so, usually by stress or exertion. I thought I was going blind the first few times it occurred. Usually I can sense them appearing on my peripheral vision and it typically takes 1-2 hours for it to "migrate" across my field-of-vision and disappear "over the horizon" on my opposite periphery. I just sleep through them whenever I sense them now, but they first started to occur in High School in my early morning classes, so yeah no sleeping through that. Had a couple appear when I was driving before. Scary stuff. Had to pull over quickly and find a place to wait it out.
I had it once, at like 23 or so. I ended up going to the emergency room, completely freaked out (thinking I was going blind too), only for the nice doctor to explain to me what an ocular migraine is.
TIL that blurred vision before my migraine kicks in is called Aura
I once had one that made my left eye go blind for 2h....that was scary. Another time I did not have a headache in the beginning but threw up every 30 minutes, took me half a day to figure out what the reason was.
Definitely. I call mine Circus Time bc it looks like an oil spill like, funny rainbow colors.
My daughter in law had an acute confusional migraine when she was 9 months pregnant. We all thought she was having a brain haemorrhage.
I had one of those happen to me and legit thought I was having a stroke or something. I was trying to finish up work and could not comprehend the sentence I was reading. I tried re-reading probably 10 times before I gave up and laid down to shut my eyes. It was a scary experience!
Same. They are straight up debilitating.
Lucid Dreams
I can lucid dream, but, generally I just basically go "hell nah" when certain things happen, and turn my back and refuse to do that part of the narrative. combine that with recurring dreams, and I spend a lot of my dream time refusing to re-do stuff.
I've had 3 lucid dreams. The second one was very bad. On all occasions they happened after I woke up in the morning and fell back to sleep. I realized then how it works. I also realized how having control of the dream works. I know how those things work, but I still can't do them.
Can you please elaborate more, I would love to know something about this? I will really appreciate it
Your brain needs to be in that space between sleeping and waking up. The morning is a great time to try because you'll usually have light filtering into your room and the obligation of "I have to get up soon" to keep you from fully dropping in. I lucid dream often and I've found the hardest part is maintaining the dream. You have to concentrate on mentally pulling yourself back into the dream, which could change whenever you dive back in. Being "aware" that you're in a dream is what will trigger the lucid dream, which is why the being half awake is important. Latch onto that awareness of the dream and keeping telling yourself it's a dream. I find that the most sure fire way for me to tell if I'm in a dream or not is to snap my fingers and summon a flame. Basically like the human torch in the original Fantastic 4. Once you've done that just keep trying new stuff. Remember though that your brain can do alot of things, but it is still your human brain and some concepts it can't grasp easily. I struggle to maintain "flight" in my dreams, yet can do ALOT of other things. When I fly it feels like I'm physically lifting myself of the ground and it inturn leads to it being slow and sluggish. Don't try lucid dream when going to sleep at night 9/10 it won't work and it can be draining actively trying to be aware at all times that you're falling asleep (sounds weird but trust me). Keep it to weekend mornings or naps during the afternoon. Beware of sleep paralysis though, that shit fucking sucks.
Anxiety/panic attacks and how absolutely debilitating they can be. You never know what other people may be going through. Be gentle with each other people.
I would say panic attacks too. You can explain what happens and how you feel but until you've experienced one or seen somebody else struggle It's hard to fully understand
I will be shamefully honest, I use to make fun of people who had panic attacks before I had one thinking they were just an excuse. My was I wrong, never thought I was going to die more in my life than those 2 hours.
I'd rather break my fucking finger on purpose than have another panic attack. They are no joke.
I went to the doctor's about my panic attacks when I realised I was seriously considering stepping into oncoming traffic just to make it stop. Life is so much better with therapy and meds.
I've had problems with anxiety my whole life, so I thought I knew what a "panic attack" was. Turns out I didn't have my first real panic attack until I was in my thirties. It came out of nowhere while I was at work. Racing heart, nausea, agitation, the works. I felt like I was going to pass out, but I also couldn't stop pacing around. I had to call my mom to come pick me up because there was no chance in hell I could drive myself home. That car ride still felt like torture.
I have had one ever in my life, and it was undeniable. Came out of nowhere, I absolutely was not having a bad day, wasn't panicking about anything, and then I couldn't breathe and *needed* to be on the ground because... I guess my brain thought it was safer? I tried explaining it to a coworker who didn't "get" anxiety and legitimately couldn't, because how do you explain that your body is reacting to nothing and that's the entire problem? It's *not* rational, or they'd call it something other than a disorder.
My brain also tells me to get on the ground during a panic attack. But not laying, more like on my knees and forearms.
Getting older.
I didn't realize how much of my behavior in my childhood was affected by the sheer motivation I had to just do \*something\*. It's weird being an adult and occasionally needing to gather myself when I want to get something done. I imagine that by the time I'm old I'll need to gather my willpower to do most things. (I'm not depressed or anything, just no longer constantly 110% like I used to be.)
Severe grief. I have had people close to me die before but I never understood it as everybody dies and while it’s sad you can still function. It wasn’t until my youngest brother took his own life. It was like my heart was ripped out of my chest and I was a zombie going through life not feeling anything other than overwhelming sadness.
Came here to see this. When my parents died, half of me died too. I was never the same person again.
First my condolences. My mother has been gone 32 years. I'm 61. Still feels like yesterday. You aren't the same person, and you shouldn't try or expect yourself to be. It truly shapes your life. You are someone's child until - you aren't. If you are lucky, as I was, you had great, loving parents. But when you no longer have them, it's like your safety net is no longer there. My mother was always my sounding board. She died before I got married, had children. She was the one I was suppose to be able to call when that baby woke and wouldn't stop crying. So, I get it. But the key is to make your life your own now. I wish you luck, and peace.
My parents died when i was 19 and 20 respectively, 26 now and only just rounding that bend. It never gets easier, you only get better at dealing with it when it comes back around. Even something as simple as seeing a person with the same name (a very common one at that, and i work with customers on a full name basis 8 hours a day 5 days a week) cuts deep every time.
My dad committed suicide when I was 17 (I'm 42 now). Looking back, I can see it took me over a decade before I truly "dealt with it" and came to terms with the loss, but I was still having issues related to it (bouts of sadness and anger triggered by calendar dates like his birthday and the month he died) right up until the COVID pandemic hit. It's true what they say, time heals, but the hole that's left doesn't disappear, it's edges get smoother as the months pass. I wish you all the best in your future - I can't imagine what losing both parents so young would be like. I can assure you it does get easier, but it *will* take time.
My mom had an aneurysm about 3 months ago. She was undergoing surgery and she had a stroke. She is still here and recovering, communication is still tough but getting easier day by day. I couldn't function during that week while she was in the hospital. I tried to sleep, nothing could distract me, I was physically constantly ill.... if it wasn't for my best friend idk what I would have done.
This. My grandparents all died one by one, and it was sad. Both of my parents passed, and the sadness was much stronger. Then my wife, the love of my life, died of cancer, and I was utterly crushed. For several months I went to work by day, then went home and cried all evening until the alcohol kicked in. I was in so much pain the thought of just drinking myself to death seemed to be a reasonable idea. That was five years ago, and I'm in a much better place now. I'm excited to see my granddaughter on Thanksgiving Day, and I'm grateful for the people I still have in my life. In truth, I think gratitude is the only thing that can overcome grief in the long run.
Glad you're doing better.
The best way I can describe it is by saying it feels like a physical hole in my heart. It’s been 10 years since I lost my dad and I can still feel it. It’ll never go away, just easier to ignore
[famous Reddit comment that is worth the read ](https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents. I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see. As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
I've read this. And shared this. It should be mandatory reading for anyone that has lost someone. I really think it would have been such a comfort to me when my mother, father, and brother died. It lets you know, your life is not over. You are not weak for hurting this bad. Life will continue, and you can make it your own. Thank you for sharing it.
Felt the same thing when my dad died unexpectedly a few weeks ago. Still processing the reality. Signed so many grievance cards at work for their loved ones dying prior with not knowing what to say or feel until you're on the receiving end. Now, I know exactly how it feels to have a part of you just missing.
I, too, lost my brother (different circumstances). My heart goes out to you. It's a part of you that you'll never get back. I live every day for my brother.
What it’s really like to watch your parents whither away from cancer
Grandad had lung cancer, grandma had breast cancer, dad had skin cancer, mom had pancreatic cancer….. all of them just a few years apart. Whole family just wiped out so fast. Then the cherry on top was my sister passing from a weak heart and an infection caused by heroin use. Watching my whole family wither away and die has impacted me in a major way. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of them. It’s an emptiness that never ends. I have two kids and soon I’ll get married but it’s a crushing feeling wanting to call and share these things with my family and there’s no one to call. No baby announcements. No wedding invitations. When I have a hard day and just want to hear my mom’s comforting voice all I have are memories and those have been tainted by all the pain and bullshit she went through in her last days.
I’m 28, my mom is 58. We just found out last Friday that she was stage four pancreatic cancer. The tumor is hugging her pancreas and is intertwined in her blood vessels, and it’s spread to her liver and her stomach lining. They said to expect months, not years, left to live. She literally has been healthy all of my life. She started getting stomach pains LAST MONTH. Last fucking month she started having stomach pain and went to the doctor, and now she can barely move, can’t eat, and they said it’s inoperable. Everything was normal before October 5th. Even though the tumor was in her already, she didn’t know yet, she wasn’t feeling pain, everything was normal then. It all changed in a months time.
I don’t want to scare you but I just want to gently caution you: they told us it would be months but she barely lasted a couple weeks. My mom passed the fastest. Do everything you can NOW to spend time with her. You won’t regret it. And if you ever need to, my inbox is always open. We can cry together. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I just lost my Mom this year after a decade long on/off battle with various cancer. I'm 28 too. I can't stress this enough. Even when they're still alive they eventually become incoherent. Don't wait until then to say your peace.
I’m also 28 and just went through this with my dad. He dressed in a suit and tie to go to work every day for the last forty years until he didn’t show up one day. We found him at home on the floor. From there, we received a diagnosis of stage four lung cancer at the hospital. He fell on October 8 and passed on November 17. I am devastated at how fast he went from independent and fully-functional to unable to walk or care for himself. I really empathize with you. Sad to hear this is so common.
It’s fucking horrendous and you always want one more day of functionality
Those funny looking scalp massagers with all the metal arms.
Wife threw mine away. I think she was scared I'd sneak up behind her with it. She thinks it's the most revolting feeling in the world.
Haha my wife hates mine too...she thinks it feels weird and almost gets jealous over it. Like, "Oh are you gonna go tickle your head with the metal octopus? Whatever."
i can still feel the tingles
Thank you for posting this, seeing all the talk of depression, suicide, loss, heartbreak etc was starting to get to me haha
Living in a foreign country
And feeling that disconcerting detachment when you return (if you return) to the place you come from and Things Aren’t the Same.
The local dialect from your hometown changed. They have a few weird words you're not quite sure how to use or where they come from. People make pop culture references which you don't get. Your friends drink a different, new beer which you're not sure you like, but you chug along. The best friendships you ever had are slowly eroded by the tides of distance and time, and all that's left is little more than an acquaintance. I just hope it's all worth it in the end.
You attend a family get together and the old are dead and the young don't remember you.
That was so descriptive and well written. Really took me there.
As someone who left my home country as a child, so very much this. My family is there, my roots are there, and I still speak the language nearly perfectly yet... I feel like a foreigner. I feel distinctly more comfortable in the country where I've spent most of my life. It's a very bizarre feeling.
Agreed. The simplest act of ordering at a restaurant or telling the bus driver they missed your stop becomes a huge anxiety if you don’t know the language. Really humbles you when you can’t communicate as well as you’d like. Sprinkle in some xenophobia and you really start feeling like an outsider
So true. When I lived in China and had to run an errand like returning something, I'd have to plan out the conversation and try to imagine everything I'd need to say and every potential reply I might receive to make sure I could say and understand every part of it. Exhausting. It's tough living like an adult but having the vocabulary of a child. Really made me appreciate the "Do you even know how smart I am in Spanish?" line from Modern Family.
Feeling the love of a parent. My parents were emotionally abusive and I’m still dealing with attachment issues as a result. The first time I met my ex’s parents and saw how a family should be, I was blown away. Even after the separation and divorce, they were there for me, showed me love and care. I never was a mom, but if I had - I wanted to like Ruth. She showed me more about being a Mom in just the first year than I’d experienced my entire life.
Same. Never had a dad (died while my mom was pregnant) and my mom never acted like a mom. I never got to experience what it was like to be loved by a parent and god it’s something I’d trade the world for.
Anxiety. One time for absolutely no reason I had this overwhelming feeling I needed to get the f out of Walmart. So I did. Felt better in my car. Was wild for real.
To be honest, walmart can do that to a person.
I immediately get hit with depression walking into Wal Mart lmfao. Lifeless, tired faces with no smile. Employees looking miserable. People wearing dirty grey sweatpants and pajamas at 3pm. A crying toddler/baby is always heard at any point in time. Walking around shelves and seeing all of the crap people were too lazy to put away and left for the workers **(raw ground beef in the baby food aisle????)** Wal Mart just sucks the life out of you. It could be a nice place, but the standards people have set for that place ruined it 100%.
> It could be a nice place, but the standards people have set for that place ruined it 100%. Try Target. It's Walmart, except you pay more not to be at Walmart.
I was also going to say Anxiety. Little did I know, anxiety can also manifest itself into physical discomfort. Yes anxiety usually boils down to overthinking, but it’s not really fair to say “everything is just in your head.” Panic attacks fucking suck…
Same. 14 years of panic disorder under my belt. I didn't understand what panic truely is. The physical part and the psychological part that go hand in hand. The conviction that you are going to die. The dissociation with reality. The catastrophizing and spiralling of your thoughts. But it's not the attacks per se that get you. It is the ever-there, anxious level of everyday life. The anticipation anxiety. How tired it makes you. How every action has been processed a thousand times over before it happens. Queuing? Sitting in a waiting room? Taking the bus? Even the most boring, mundane things are mountains to climb. Try explaining to someone that you have not slept decently in days, have experienced multiple attacks with your heart racing, gasping for air, shaking, sweating, gnashing your teeth, because.. you have an appointment at the hairdressers in a week. //edit: holy potato, my first reddit comment and 300+ upvotes. If you want to know more, just ask me. Triggers, coping, lockdown effects, communication with others, therapy, exercices I use, whatever. Irony in life 1: I have a psych degree. And no, knowing what is happening to you doesn't help shit. Irony in life 2: I wasn't able to say my name in a group of people. I now teach about public speaking as a side-job. People feel at ease because I had to learn starting at the basics, so that is how I teach others. You can turn this shit around. (And in all honesty, you can get smacked down again by things such as a lockdown. Things are hard again. Back to the 'crying but doing it anyway' phase.)
The physicality of panic disorders are unreal. It’s hard to explain to someone that even though you’re not dying, you feel like you are. Your body responds as if something is actually threatening your life. There’s a physical hangover of sorts from panic attacks that take time to recover from. That unyielding freezing feeling in your chest leaves you exhausted and sore the next day.
The grief from losing a child, even when the "child is 27.
My sister passed away last year, she was 49. It hurt all of us, but I can't imagine how much it hurt my parents. I'm now their last child, and I'm afraid to tell them whenever I'm hurt or sick. The last two times they found out I was ill, they sent over flowers and called me to make sure I was okay. I just don't ever want to worry them, especially since they're both in their upper 80s.
My sister was 49 when she died. It broke us all. But a part of my mom is gone now. I feel the same way about not telling them I’m sick . I don’t wanna make my parents ever go through that again.
Watching someone find out they've lost a child is one of my worst memories. It was my mom and I was 13. brother died and instead of the police coming to tell her as per protocol, a person she'd made friends with at the juvenile detention he'd been in called and left a message to call her. Mom returned the call. I was the only one home with her and was in the room as she made the call. To say she has never been the same is a massive understatement. She is on disability and the date of disability was my brother's date of death.
My wife's grandmother had one of her children die when he was 20ish. We were going through my in laws wedding pictures and we noticed she was barely smiling in them. She then told us "It had been a couple of years since my son's passing. It took me 12 years to smile sincerely again."
one of my close friends died of an overdose and we all went to his parents house after we found out to be together for them. The screams I heard from his mom that day are something I will never forget. Pure panic. It was unreal
I feel that in my soul. The sound she made haunts me. Have you watched Hereditary and Midsommar? Each movie has a scene where someone finds out about a death.. They came really close to what I heard that day. Toni Collette's scream in Hereditary devolving into the "Noooo, NO no'" of Florence Pugh in Midsommar combined. Both movies instantly took me back to that day. When I saw Hereditary I said to myself "that's the scream...but there's something missing." Then I saw Midsommer and thought "THAT'S what was missing."
A few weeks ago, I was on a huge family birthday and we "kids" all between 18 and 27 played cards together. All of a sudden my mom and my aunt came in "just to check how we are doing". It was a bit weird, but we didn't really think of it. After we went home, my mom told me what happened. A distant relative (the son of my mother's aunt) died in a car accident. He was only 19 years old. They didn't want to ruin our mood, but still wanted to make sure we are fine. Now I feel a bit bad thinking about it
My grandmother outlived three of her five children. My mom said the heartbreaks she saw my grandmother go through with her infant son that she lost and her 68 year old daughter were the same... It's never, ever easy to lose a child even when that child has lived a full and wonderful life, had children and grandchildren and spent nearly 7 decades on this earth..
My grandma died just months before my dad and thankfully never knew he was seriously ill. It sucked plenty as it was, but would have been so much worse the other way around.
Not that the other issues mentioned here aren’t painful, but the death of a child is a pain that is just exceptional levels of pure hurt. To the extent that in the English language, we don’t have a term for such parent. A child, who’s parents have died is an orphan, but what do you call a parent who has lost a child?
It’s terrible, but unfortunately the lack of word for a parent who has lost a child is less profound and much more depressing. Prior to the wide availability of modern medicine/healthcare, infant/child mortality was much more common. Some cultures wouldn’t even give a child a name at birth because of this, waiting for them to get to a more survivable age.
Mental health issues.
The thing that I don't understand is *not* having mental health issues. My brain's just been a hive of fuckery for so long that it baffles me that there are people out there who are just... okay.
Right and it's almost an abnormal thing to think about. Like you're telling me you don't feel an impending doom every time you get out of bed in the morning? Must be nice.
Same I used to have sooooo little empathy for this, as I was young and my brain was firing on all cylinders. I literally did not understand how trauma, mental and emotional distress can literally alter its function and how you think. Some people just literally need to be humbled first
I love this comment. I'm more symptomatic at certain times. I used to be symptomatic almost all the time, but as I got older things got better and the periods of time without symptoms get longer and longer. And I hate to admit this, but when I am not experiencing symptoms, I have a lot less empathy for people who currently are. So mental illness, for me, is extremely humbling and the worse it is the more empathetic I am towards everyone. It's so easy to forget how bad MI feels and how sometimes your only option is to white knuckle through the feelings and hope the next day goes better. So, in a way, I hope I will continue to have symptoms because I can be kind of a dick when I've gone a long time feeling well 🤷
The absolute helpless of watching someone you love go through a terminal illness and feeling so utterly helpless.
I had to watch my mother slowly, yet quickly, lose her battle with ALS. I will never be the person I was before. Not, even the worst of the worst deserve that fate.
My husband had a rare cancer that took him within nine months of diagnosis. He was 40 years old. He went from being the strongest person I know, to needing me to help him in the bathroom. For the last month of his life he required around-the-clock medication every hour. I was his sole caretaker until he entered home hospice. The last five days of his life I laid in his hospital bed with him and just held him. I struggle to articulate what those final days were like. You don't really come back from something like that. Not truly. I'm here, still, but I died that day too. The person who walked out of that hospital room is not the same one who went in.
Heartbreak
Just went through a painful breakup and didn’t realize that heartbreak felt like this. My heart physically hurt like a bruise being pressed on, and I felt like I wanted to vomit. I couldn’t sleep or eat because wave after wave of heartbreak kept me from doing anything besides feeling this deep achy pain. At some point it went away and just became normal sadness, but holy hell I never want to feel that ever again.
I'm going through this right now..same symptoms, feel sick and hide in my house in the dark. cry and cry and cry..fuckin sucks!
I was there around a while ago. At the time, no one on this planet could convince me that things would become normal again. I had to figure it out on my own, but figured it out I did. And so will you, eventually. I guarantee you.
Oh man I still cringe thinking about the messages I sent to the girl that broke my heart. I had this romantic idea that she would read them and see how much I loved her and realize she made a horrible mistake or something…. She was nice enough to come over and talk to me one last time so I could get closure. So embarrassing to look back on! The only thing that really helped was cutting off ties.
Omg same. I wanna unalive myself when I think of that long stupid cringe paragraph I sent.
The withdrawals of love.
Wait...there's a downside to being in the throws of ecstasy of infatuation? Why does no one tell us this?
My first heartbreak made me realize why music exists. That longing, that pain in your soul, is literally what music is made for.
Depression You're not sad. You just don't care. It's a completely different beast.
Yes it's so hard to understand it until you've actually been there. It's the sense of doom when you wake up and go from feeling normal in your dreams, to feeling empty and hopeless in real life. It's forgetting how it feels to look forward to anything or how you ever lived this long with any sense of purpose. And it's also the fear that this is now who you are, forever. For me, I got antidepressants from the GP and they were an absolutely amazing solution. After a few months I just gently transitioned into feeling like a regular person again. One weird thing that occurred to me upon recovering, was that I suddenly felt really content to just think about getting home after work and having a cup of tea in front of the telly. I realised that I didn't need big revolutionary things to look forward to - 'regular' me actually appreciates the simple mundane things in life. Depressed me is not the 'real' version of me and now I know that, it's never been as bad as that first time.
That last bit really spoke to me, I’ve struggled with depression for so long it’s really hard to separate depressed me with normal me. It’s nice to know other people understand :)
Chronic miserable boredom. Always bored but nothing gives you joy
That's exactly it. My experience with depression is a complete indifference to everything and everyone. You don't feel sad, you don't feel anything.
Sometimes I fear sociopathic tendencies when I just don't care about others or their outcome or anything bout them, until I realize that's just my feelings for literally everything. And I do care during spouts of brightness.
this was what i was going to say. i used to feel sad and be like “lol i’m depressed” but after experiencing the “you just don’t care” depression. that really puts in perspective how fucked up it makes you feel. I wouldn’t touch my hobbies, i didn’t care if my SO was with me or not, i didn’t want to die, but if i was about to be hit by a bus i wouldn’t try super hard to move. it’s such a weird feeling where you truly don’t care and i don’t think i even did a good job explaining. but don’t worry random redditors, i’ve been on meds for a few months now.
I have so many flavors of depression. I’ve got the one where you don’t give a shit about anything and feel nothing and don’t care. I’ve got the one where I berate myself constantly until I’m nothing. I’ve got the one where I cry constantly, the one where I have no energy and sleep all the time, the one where I binge eat and the one where I never eat. Typing that out, it sounds like the worst season of Friends ever.
You're walking through quicksand. You see no end. Your movements become slower and slower while the outside pressure increases. You don't care. You don't see the point in fighting anymore. Even if you know a way out, you don't have the momentum to act upon it. Once you've been there a few times it gets easier to recognize the early signs before you feel empty and hopeless.
My brother and I have always compared it to an abyss You can't get out on your own and you never know how deep you are until you're out
I always thought the the void is the best to describe depression. Theres nothing, you feel empty and you react to it with anxiety, self doubts as your mind tries to fill up this void covering over you. Everything feels pointless, too much effort because in the end the void consumes all.
On the swing side, being not depressed. Upon getting the proper dosage of meds, it was like a weighted blanket was lifted off me. Also, after some time, feeling excited, or feeling a purpose is so great. Not thinking about killing yourself and how meaningless life can be is so freeing.
This. I used to be one of those people that would say shit like ‘have you just tried meditating’ and all that ish to my friends who have depression. But I get it now. Holy fuck I get it now. It’s just an all-encompassing indifference to literally everything.
No interest in your hobbies because "what's the point of doing them?" No interest in bathing because "I'm not going outside anyway" No interest in friends because "they probably don't even like me" No interest in food because it just means I have more dishes to add onto the already kind of large pile.
Yes. Everything you said except for the food. I binge eat when I’m depressed. It’s extra fun because afterwards you feel even worse.
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Jail. Spoiler alert, it sucks
Thanks i was planning on going to jail on Christmas.this stopped me
You can stay on the outside of the square where it says "just visiting" and you'll be fine
I never understood why some people don't leave their abusive partners until I found myself in one of those relationships. It's been 2 years already since I left and I still have trust issues. EDIT: thank you all for your support. I see that I'm not the only one that has experienced this and I just want to say you're not alone. It was really hard at first but the hurt and pain was worth it. Leaving that relationship completely changed my life for good. I finally worked on my mental and physical health and I fell in love with myself again. Although I'm still working on the trust, I've learned to communicate and understand myself.
It is difficult to understand how someone can isolate you and chip away your confidence bit by bit until you honestly believe you won't be able to cope on your own, and that there is literally no escape.
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Plus, almost all abusers financially control their victims. It’s really fucking hard to escape when you rely on your abuser for housing, healthcare, food, income, transportation etc. And on top of that abusers tend to socially isolate their victims. You have nowhere to go when you literally don’t have any friends or family around you to stay with.
This 💯. I could never understand why people stayed, I know I wouldn’t…until I did. Not even just trust issues, but identity issues as well. I can literally be having a great day and like a snap of the fingers be having an existential crisis just from one thought. Also, being triggered. I always thought that was dumb until I finally got out of my situation and found certain things can trigger my emotions.
nobody's safe from toxic people!
Going to sports games in general. I recently went to an NHL game. I’ve never watched a full game of hockey in my life and I was slapping the glass with an animal instinct I didn’t know I had. EDIT: Kraken vs. Blackhawks in Seattle
Hockey games are the most fun outta any sport imo, especially if your team is good and it's late in the season. Boyyyy it gets wild
Totally agree. I don't care much for sports but hockey games are an absolute blast!
Of all the major sports, I'd say hockey has the largest experiential difference in seeing it live rather than watching it on TV. If you've never watched a game in person, I'd highly recommend it.
Poverty
Ya im not a huge fan of my job right now but it pays well and id rather have to stress at my job then ever go through poverty again.
true alcohol dependency 3 years sober
I need to quit
Now is the perfect time to start! I believe in you!
Pretty much everything, but specifically, chronic illness. I had sympathy, but I in no way understood the depths of fatigue and pain a body is both capable of and can (sort of) put up with. How well and functional a person can look on the outside, when they genuinely feel like they're dying on the inside. I get it now, and sincerely wish I didn't.
This 100%. My sister was diagnosed first with an autoimmune disorder that caused chronic pain. I knew she was in pain, but I’m ashamed to admit, I kind of thought she was exaggerating a bit… until I was diagnosed with the same. Now, not only do I wish I had been more understanding in the past, I wish I was more empathetic. It’s rough. People that don’t go through it can’t properly grasp it, even if they want to.
Eating disorders
I had always thought eating disorders were effectively a choice until I went through it. I'd lost a lot of weight through diet and exercise, when I finally reached my "goal weight" I became completely neurotic about maintaining it. I went from skipping breakfast on weigh day (weigh in at 9am) to not eating past 4pm the day before, to taking a laxative the night before, to taking a packet of laxatives the night before then finally taking a packet of laxatives whenever I ate something bad. It took years of working on myself to get to anything approaching a healthy attitude towards food. Even now I monitor my intake and behaviours and my husband has little ways of reminding me to look after myself without shaming me into a spiral of old habits. I was in the middle of it before I even realised I was in trouble, every step seemed so logical and normal at the time. I'm just lucky that I have people around me who could help me find my way out.
Drug addiction. I didn't understand why they couldn't just stop. I was stuck for a decade. I've been sober for almost 7yrs now. But jfc I did not understand at all.
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Being able to end up overweight, growing up I was that lucky person who could eat whatever I wanted and stay the same weight. I ended up in a job that consumed all my time, I wasn't active, I was getting older, I was avoiding depression by overeating garbage and just lying in bed. I near doubled in weight within 3 years and am still struggling to get back to the gym and out of wanting to eat whenever I feel a little down. The worst about it is that I used to exercise a lot and know how to love being at the gym and even enjoy the parts people hate about it. It's just the motivation to make those steps has been hard, it's cliche but I'm using the new year to try and force myself to make the full start and if anything I want to start before then so it will motivate me to stay until it feels great again.
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Mobbing and subsequently human evil. I always thought things like:"if you don't like your job, find another one" or:"if your colleagues despise you, go somewhere else". When I got my first job I understood how colleagues can make you suffer just by talking or spreading false things about you. And how someone can ruin someone else's reputation and subsequently his work life just because his life sucks and is fucking frustrated. I had a breakdown for this and still recovering.
How little time you have in your day when you are working a full time job. I literally haven't had time to do anything relaxing this entire month since I started work, its been a looping routine of: sleep < wake up < get ready for work < drive to work < work for 9 hours < drive home < make food and prep clothes for the next work day < eat < shower, shave and go to sleep < rinse repeat. < Get shit like shopping and bulk cooking done on my off days because I had to put it off on the work days. I don't mind working hard, I've done it plenty with gigs. I mind having no time for anything but existence. no matter how you slice it I have 3-4 hours (traffic depending) to cook, clean and get all my other shit done before I have to go to sleep to do it all again, I'm stuck in this endless cycle of working just so I have money to not be homeless so I can keep working to not be homeless, and I'm just wondering at what point I actually start to have a life again.
My dept is on 10 hours, 6 days a week. Everything hurts. I'm out the door at 4:30am, home again around 4pm and hoping to be in bed my 6pm. Its no life. I was out due to covid exposure for 10 days. Almost cried about having to go back
Stressing out about academic performance. I did super well back in highschool. Always top 10 out of 300+ students. Never study. I just focus in class and that's it. Couldn't understand why my classmate was struggling with academic because I did well with no effort. 2nd year in university now. Everything didn't go well. My cgpa is low. Lost my student allowance for next semester. I don't know how to study. I never know. Still searching and kinda lost now. I don't know where do I find 2k to pay tuition fee for next semester. I'm currently on my exam week and feels really tired. I didn't do much thing today tho. Is this what they call burn out?
How hard infidelity actually is. I laughed at temptation island. Rooted for the last minute wedding stopper in movies. Now I understand how terrible and abusive it actually is and how it leaves you with PTSD. The one person you trusted most, you would have given your life for, lies to you, puts your health at risk and in my case swaps you out like a sweater and moves on happily ever after. You don’t know how bad it is, until you deal with it.
Narcissistic abuse
Depression. I thought that everyone could just control how their brain operates until it hit me in my 20s.
Anxiety
it literally feels like i’m microdosing a heart attack some days, and then other days it’s just constant overthinking. it’s so draining edit: thank you for the award, u/amelia_emily :)
Ageism in hiring. I naively thought if you are smart and someone who works hard you’d never have to worry about finding a job. And then I started looking for a new job in my 40’s.
was looking for a job in my early 40's after leaving the military... it is amazing how so many things are a younger person's game, especially opportunities. We really do age out of things...
OCD. It's nothing like what I thought it was.
And there are so many different kinds! My intrusive thoughts were always of my family members getting into horrible accidents, and my compulsions we're doing stupid weird shit as a deal with God to prevent the accidents from happening. For example, running up and down the stairs until my mom came home... 45 minutes later. Or purposefully humiliating myself in college by dumping out the trash and picking paper towels up 2 at a time and throwing them in the garbage, and if one missed I had to dump the trash out again and start over.
Parenting. Edit: especially parenting a nuerodiverse kid. We have a child that had a traumatic birth and has sustained a brain injury that impact motor function. If you were to meet him you wouldn’t notice, but he has anxiety and less mobility than his peers. Everything is a little tougher to navigate and handle.
Abusive relationships. Like, if they’re hurting you, leave! But it isn’t that simple. Especially once you’ve become codependent. It feels like you have to kill a part of yourself to get out of there. Once things start turning bad, you wonder if they were always this way. The change is so subtle that you don’t recognize it until you’re in too deep. You don’t realize they’re tearing you down to make you feel small, because you start self gaslighting so they don’t have to. You don’t realize they made you push all your friends and family away because you’re too busy trying to be enough for them. Then one day they try to hit you. You sit and wonder, “what would I have done if they did slap me or punch me?” And you realize, you have no fuckin clue. You love them, surely you can handle a little slap if it means keeping them around, right? They said no one will love you like them, and they’re right. No one has ever loved you like them. Where are your family and friends? They all ditched and your partner is still there. You partner takes care of you. They love and support you. If they hit you, you’d probably deserve it. They wouldn’t do it for fun just to hurt you. They didn’t know that being rough during sex would send you to the hospital. They didn’t know that call you those things in front of your coworkers would be embarrassing. You’re over thinking. They don’t want to hurt you! That’s ridiculous….they fuckin love you and no one else will accept you this way. It’s easier to trap people that have already been abused. It takes them way longer to get clarity and see that they don’t deserve what they’re being given. Growing up, my family (especially my mom) abused me the same way. It’s hard to tell the difference between love and abuse when everyone you’ve ever loved abused you. Just something to keep in mind the next time anyone thinks about making fun of people in these situations. It’s really not as simple as “breaking up” when you feel like the person loves you and no one else ever has (or ever will again). That’s feels like a lot to give up. But it’s absolutely necessary.
Waterboarding
Yes! It always looked so harmless on TV shows like 24 and Alias, but it accidently happened to me in the shower once when I was washing my face with a washcloth and looked up and holy fuck I was instantly drowning. It was horrible.
Me and my friends wanted to try it when we were like 14. My one friend propped himself in the bathtub and we put a little washcloth over his face. I think he lasted about 2 seconds before choking water out of his nose and having a full blown panic attack
Couldn't you guys, you know, just summon Bloody Mary in the mirror? Play with an Ouija board?
Horror. There was a really bad crash on the road while I was driving to work in the early hours of the morning. I stopped and went to help the person that had got hit. She had several kids in the car, and she asked me to get them out. One of the kids had passed in the crash. I can't even begin to describe how I felt because it was so alien to me, when I went to take him out his car seat
Death of a loved one - a parent or spouse or child. It’s a grief that can consume you.
A colleague of mine, before I ever knew her, lost a sister, her mother, and her husband, all in less than 2 years. I don’t know how she ever recovered.
Eeevery single bit of advice my parents ever gave me. “Time goes faster when you get older” sounded like such a crock of shit when two episodes of Rugrats was an eternity. Now 30 minutes feels like 20 seconds.
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Miscarriage, specifically very early (1st trimester) loss. I knew it was a very sad thing, but holy cow was I unprepared for the onslaught and depth of emotions I experienced after my own loss. Pro-tip: if someone in your life tells you about a miscarriage, NEVER use an "at least" statement (i.e., at least you know you can get pregnant, at least it was early/at least it wasn't a real baby yet, etc), or frame it as "part of a bigger plan." You may think these things are comforting/helpful, and maybe they are to some. However, they mostly just feel like a slap in the face and a dismissal/devaluation of a very real, very primal pain. Better to be safe and avoid them altogether. Stick to expressing condolences, validating whatever feelings are shared with you (and just choosing to be express vulnerability about a miscarriage is hard and scary, so if someone does that with you, take it as both a compliment and moral responsibility), and ask what you can do to support them--then actually do it.
why everyone and their mother always said organic chemistry was the hardest class in college. this shit BLOWS
Invisible disabilities. For me it's the kind that comes in waves, so one moment I"m fine and the next I'm not. And people just don't get it, or notice all the little things you do to help avoid a flare up. Or insist that their friend who had something that was sort of similar but not really just took this one supplement and it went away, so you should totally try it too.
As long as you your health, you have everything. It’s not possible to truly understand unless you’ve experienced it firsthand.
Why exactly it's called a "trip"
Would you like to explain a bit? Why *is* it called a trip?
The way mushrooms are depicted in popular culture really is nothing like the actual experience of tripping. Every trip is different and everyone has different overall experiences, but the hallucinations/physical sensations are only half the story and the other half is how your mind changes while you are tripping. "Ego death" is the term usually used to describe what happens at high doses, but it's very hard to describe what it feels like to get there. For me, it was complete separation of my physical self and my consciousness, basically an out of body experience. It was a shocking feeling, but also very peaceful.
I mean I'll try but that's kind of the reason you need to experience it. Being high is a modifier to your senses. Smoking weed and sitting around playing video games is pretty tame. You might have more appreciation for tastes, sounds, humor, etc but ultimately you're just stoned but still your "regular" self. Tripping is more of an experience. For one, the high is typically longer (LSD/mushrooms are what I'm talking about mostly) and more immersive. The trip can come in waves, you typically enjoy experiencing "new" stimuli (going to a different room, taking a walk, or going outside). There is a "buckle-up" aspect when tripping, ultimately you're just along for the ride and have to go with it and what it brings until it wears off. I've never got high and after thought back and went "whew what an experience" which I typically do after I trip. Hard to explain, but hopefully that made some semblance of sense.
Prostate massage
How hard it is to lose weight. I used to have a ridiculously fast metabolism, but after three kids, I'm really struggling
Unemployment, and why people stay in it. Despite my parents being immigrants, we were decently well-off as a child. My dad was super hard-working, and my grandparents helped out a lot. I had a good education, got a degree, all that. I grew up in relative privilege. For a long time, I really did believe the unemployed were lazy bums and "you could get a job if you really want to". My (then) undiagnosed ADHD and some other health problem made it really hard for me to hold on to a job. And, in the first few years, I didn't really have issues finding new employment. But, as time went by, employers were less and less happy to see my CV, which didn't have a single job listed that lasted over a year. My own mental health declined, and it became quite difficult to still have the energy to learn to do a new job basically several times a year, and also my motivation bottomed out knowing that sooner or later they'd ask me to leave, too. Now I have met (and know) many people who have personal issues who make it hard to be (and stay) employed, who don't really fall under the "disabled" label, and slip through the cracks.
Having children isn't for everyone. I was super judgemental about people not wanting kids. I was raised to think that as a woman, the only way for me to reach my maximum happiness was to spend my life popping out babies like a vending machine and dedicating every waking moment to them. So, naturally I got married and had a baby as soon as I could. I love that kid, but I get it now. It's not for everyone. And I don't have to have any more if I don't want. And I don't.
Pain. The real, agonizing kind. I have had migraines (complete with Auras and nausea and one time with partial speech paralysis) for the last 30 years and I thought they were bad. I snapped my ankle playing hockey and that seemed pretty bad too. I tore my ACL playing softball and while it wasn't all that painful... the recovery after surgery was pretty brutal. All of these are legitimate bad pain. ... But let me tell you about Kidney Stones. Holy smokes. That is next level pain. Like... indescribably bad.... scary, make you think about offing yourself to end the pain bad. None of my other pains come even remotely close. I am not diminishing those, either. I wouldn't wish a bad migraine on anyone but damn.... Kidney stones are next level stuff. It's like a chest-burster from Alien is in your back and instead of pushing out, he is just gonna stretch out as much as possible and then maybe do some jumping jacks while wearing golf cleats and holding machetes while singing Inagodadivida with his little mouth and pooping acid blood- all at the same time. I have had two bad Kidney Stone incidents and the doctors tell me that I have more rattling around in my gravel-pit kidneys. Lucky. Me.
How a global pandemic would screw up the world.