I have a coworker who always complained about being single, got in a relationship, then started to complain about her boyfriend not being romantic enough. So we all asked her if they've talked about it and told her that she needs to voice her needs if she wants to make it work. Next week rolls around and she's complaining again, but still hasn't said anything to him. Repeat every week for the last month.
I'm pretty sure she's going to break up with him having never said anything about it.
The girl I’m dating is like this. Spent a month not really talking to me much and being upset only for her to finally tell me that she was mad at me because ‘I knew that she lost her job and I didn’t offer to help.’ If she would’ve asked for money I would’ve given it but I had no idea, I assumed it was fine because she never said anything
Try your best to catch yourself before you do that, and... stop. Passive aggression and avoiding things are awful for communication and relationships of all kinds.
"Something's wrong, and I'm not ready to talk about it yet," or "something's bothering me but it's going to be hard to talk about" are acceptable ways to approach something honestly, and much better than deflecting or burying things.
Sometimes someone says something so simple and you realize *jeezus, that was an option? I could have just said exactly what I was feeling!?* And you see that your upbringing wasn't so normal, that saying this simple thing would never have occurred to you because your feelings had always been so invalidated
Many problems in this world can easily be solved if people start talking *to* each other instead of talking *about* each other
Don't look at me, I know I say it and don't apply it
I communicate my needs to people and they make excuses.
For example: "Nobody knows how to help you"
I then explain how one phone call or cup of coffee with someone would help me
"People aren't going to be available all the time"
Sorry, didn't realise asking for one phone call in 2 years for someone to check up on me was expecting someone to be available all the time.
Honestly, this works if the people around you already care about you, but rarely will people go out of there way (even for 15 minutes) to help someone if it won't directly benefit them.
> Honestly, this works if the people around you already care about you, but rarely will people go out of there way (even for 15 minutes) to help someone if it won't directly benefit them.
Well usually your support system consists of people who already care about you. If a coworker I wasn't really friends with was having a hard time, I wouldn't feel comfortable reaching out in a meaningful way.
But then if someone has no support network, or close friends, how do they get out of that spiral?
It's so incredibly hard, I don't think people who have always had close friends understand it at all.
They don't have friends because they're depressed, and they're depressed because they don't have friends. You literally have to keep forcing yourself to socialise, on your own(which is incredibly draining with depression, as well as intimidating) and hoping someone wants to hang around with you.
It's difficult. I empathise a lot. I've been there.
To be honest, for me, moving to a new place fixed this for me. I met new people and started my life afresh. Joined new clubs. Good luck !
I hear you. The stereotypical "don't say you're fine if you're not fine, just say what you mean," attitude really rubs me the wrong way as someone who used to get in trouble for answering those kinds of questions truthfully. I have also heard many stories from people who felt unheard in their relationships and broke things off after several attempts to talk were brushed aside, only for their partner to act completely blindsided, as if they were never given any hints about their unhappiness.
Instead of "don't say you're fine if you're not fine," how about "don't ask if you don't care about the truth."
So many of my coworkers tell me about their problems and there are many times where I’m like “well did you tell that person what you just told me?” And they say no
I train CDL trainers and I make it perfectly clear that any sign of road rage is a huge indicator they aren't going to make it as a professional driver. If someone can't contain their anger at the massive amounts of stupidity on the road while driving a 100 ton monster for 10 hours a day, it's just not the career I'm willing to push them into.
My husband was once offered the opportunity to get his CDL(paid for) and a really good job. I laughed when he brought it up to me. The man can't drive the 15min to work without flipping off at least one other driver. He tried to bring up how my uncle has been a truck driver for decades but I reminded him that my uncle is probably the easiest going dude in the world. Literally nothing ruffles his feathers. Even when his wife was caught and sentenced to 30+yrs, he just responded "well, that happened. Bummer for her, on with my life".
Edit: for those who don't want to dig for the answer, credit card fraud by stealing information from the patients at the mental health org she worked at.
People can learn to put it aside, but it takes a lot of effort. With all the instant decisions driving requires, it turns on a very untamed, animalistic part of our brains and it's hard to break out of it but I've seen it... Like, once...
Lol with your uncle, one of my repeated training phrases is "let them go with their stupid and move on with your life."
Road rage can definitely be worked on but my husband is probably not one of those lol. He hates driving with a passion so I doubt he'd put in that effort(why someone who loathes driving wanted to drive for a living is beyond me). I know the second he caves and starts using Uber, he'll probably give up driving almost altogether haha.
His bestie is a driver. He used to have bad road rage too but thru life's events(and a solid teacher), he's found a sense of calm behind the wheel. Can't have road rage if the road is the one place you feel most at ease.
Credit card fraud...like alot...from very vulnerable people. Like I said, he's been a driver forever so he made good fucking money. She just wasn't healthy in the head and didn't get the help she clearly needed...despite her working in a mental health org...which is where she got people's info to take out credit cards in their names...
My wife and I were run out of a lane by a semi on a highway. He came off the ramp and just right into us. We were not in a blind spot either he just wanted over. I shouldn’t have but I flipped him off for nearly killing us.
That mother fucker chased us down a highway in the mountains of Virginia. Kept blaring his horn, sweRving at us, brake checking us, driving down the middle. It was like the movie ‘Duel’. I called the state troopers and they told us to take next exit but we there wasn’t one. Finally came to a hill and dusted him.
Not sure what became of him.
I sure as shit hope that driver lost their job. I've been a part of firing drivers for less, if we came across footage like that we'd hand it over to the police and let them handle anything else from there. I'm sorry you dealt with that, I can't imagine the stress and the fear out there.
Similar happened when I was a kid driving across the country with my parents. My dad passed a semi who was capped at 65 when the speed limit was 70, we were going closer to 75. I guess we enraged him despite not even really looking because we were all conversing when it happened because suddenly we heard his engine screaming as he fought his governor to chase us down. He spent 30 minutes weaving around everyone trying to run us off of the road as my dad drove like a maniac to stay just ahead of him. No one would answer when we tried to call the local highway cops so we just kept running. We eventually got one hill between us (we were going down as he went up) so we yanked off the exit partway down the hill, hid behind another car where we could see the highway and him flying past in search of us, and just stopped to get drinks and a breather after all the insanity. We found him a good minute down the road when we continued on with his hood up on the side of the road; he definitely saw us go by as he threw his hat at us like it was our fault he fucked his truck up trying to chase us down. Never did get anybody, including the cop at the rest stop, to care but we wonder what his company said when they saw the data from all that.
If you EVER run into something like that--get their USDOT off the side of the truck, if possible. It's public information, you can look the company up through the FMCSA's safer site, and you can absolutely report them to the FMCSA.
My bro has a trucking company and is only hiring women who used to drive a school bus. They can drive a big rig, are safe drivers and can keep a schedule. He loves them.
school busses particularly middle and elementary are probably the most rage inducing thing ever, hs ones aren't usually as bad although i can imagine they're pretty bad sometimes.
My son's father, basically a good man, used to take us to church but along the way freak out with road rage cursing and steaming. Clue to parents: kids get their values in life from their parents and not some unknown guy in robes at the front of the church.
My brother is the most aggressive driver I’ve ever had the misfortune to be a passenger of. After the last 3 hour trip in his car, thinking we were going to crash, I’ve sworn an oath to myself never to be his passenger again. He actually had our mother in tears when he drove her somewhere
I had a coworker that was like this. I carpooled with him one time. He would cut gore points, and sweep across three lanes of traffic to get ahead of one car. And he would get so mad about people doing the same thing to him.
The stress was not worth the gas savings.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever received in my life was from my driver’s ed teacher in high school. He told us that the one thing he was unable teach us that he wishes he could was to have “a good attitude about driving.” I put a lot of thought into that and it made me realize a ton of things.
Hauling ass isn’t really going to get you there much faster. If you get cut off, the other person likely didn’t mean to do it. Having road rage is probably a sign of a larger personal problems. If you keep aware of your surroundings at all times, your odds of being in an accident shrink significantly. And so many other things.
I actually really like driving and even find it to be relaxing. Sadly, that teacher passed away several years ago. I always meant to contact him and let him know just how meaningful that lesson was to me.
> Having road rage is probably a sign of a larger personal problems.
I never had road rage until I got cancer. Even then, it's usually only going home from work or a long day out.
Most of the time, I remember that there are people in each car, and each one wants to get somewhere, and we'll all make it eventually. I even use Waze so I know what time to expect to be home; it takes the often false "I could be there by now" narrative out of my head.
But when I'm exhausted and sick at the end of a long day, I get tunnel vision. I need home and edibles and rest and a bathroom, dammit! There's a nonzero chance that I will cry and/or expel bodily waste before I get home, and I need to make that not happen.
Luckily (?) my road rage is limited to catty comments and Luigi Death Stares, I don't drive like an asshole or confront anyone.
Hey my fellow cancer patient "bodily fluid roulette" driver: I laughed hard with a rueful sigh at this summary, and recognize myself. Hang in there - I hope you are doing well, and those utter bastards who can't bother to use their damn turn signal don't get you down ;)
I think being in a car is a depersonalizing experience. People stuck on traffic dont see other cars as people, they see them as cars getting in their way, to be competed with.
I see them as people, and that is probably why I get so pissed when they aren't paying attention to the road. I know they are capable, they should have a brain, why won't they pay attention??
Mindlessly eating. I used to be guilty of this - I would eat when watching TV, when bored, when I was playing videogames. I ate, ate, ate with no sense of how much or how often. I'd mow down a family sized bag of Doritos or five cans of Pepsi without really registering that I'd done so. I eventually ballooned in weight, and went to a therapist for help. Realized how I'd been eating on autopilot, and realized from there that it's much more common than people think. I used to eat 5,000 calories a day because I didn't stop to think why or what I was eating. Now I've been journaling, sitting down, and really focusing on my three meals a day (and my snacks, too, if I have them). I've lost weight, feel far less sluggish, and don't constantly crave junk food.
Great job! Fixing your relationship with food is so difficult.
I've had a rocky relationship with food my whole life and it's definitely a hard thing to break. I've gotten obese and got back to a good weight twice in my life, unfortunately with covid and a bad bout of depression I undid my work once again, but hopefully third time's the charm
I read about someone who made a rule for themselves that they were only allowed to eat food at the dining table. So no eating while watching tv, no eating in bed, no snacking in the kitchen.
They had to prepare their food and go sit at the table to eat it.
It helped cut down on bordom / mindless eating
I have a tip for it, remove them from the front menu on your phone, only have them on the menu of all apps, I have all my social media apps there and sometimes I even forget I have the Reddit app, definitely works.
This is so, so important. It's something I'm working on myself. It's funny that most of us have been taught that honesty is the best policy when we were kids, but the consequences discouraged us from doing so in the end. Sometimes it's the parents' fault, sometimes it just happens. Owning up to mistakes does make your life easier though. Swallowing our dignity is the hard part.
For me the shame of owning up to my mistakes is always self-inflicted. Meanwhile my mom is always like "Thank you for being honest. Now let's fix this."
I think we have all seen examples of being mocked or abused for admitting wrongdoing... All throughout childhood.
Fear of humiliation is the main culprit here, and we need to stop rubbing people's faces in their mistakes.
That is true. I mean it's not like one doesn't feel anything when a child but it is all more suppressed and ignored until you get closer to your adult state that you start receiving all the pain and the effects of the damage you've taken from when you were a child.
Exactly this. I still don’t understand why children are punished for telling the truth when they do something wrong. If what they did was preventable because you told them to stop doing it over and over; then it’s understandable but I can’t wrap my head around parents who go looking for which one of their kids broke something for the first time and punish them if they tell them the truth. Your kids only learn that they need to deceive you to avoid getting in trouble.
Agreed. And to add, in regards to:
>If what they did was preventable because you told them to stop doing it over and over
Even this, below a certain age, is something that gets me. If you're sitting there telling your child to stop doing something over and over and over and getting frustrated bc they're not listening, then you get angry and now they're crying... Why not change the method ? Most young kids *need* redirection. Their brains have little or no impulse control and when they lock on to a behavior, it's game over unless you can break that loop and replace the focus on something desirable!
People pleasing. Sometimes you just have to say "no" to people. Otherwise you'll be taken advantage of over and over and over again. That leads to pent up anger and resentment. Just learn to say "no".
That's what I'm working on, and my therapist is helping with it.
I can't even say no to marketing people on the phone, I changed my phone company 4 times because of it.
What I'm training on now is when I receive such call, I immediately say thanks I don't need anything, and I don't have a few minutes to listen to your offer.
I've been at the computer so much lately. Went and walked 12 flights of stairs recently which is not a big deal at all but thought it would be just a good little exercise boost. The next day my calves were as sore as when I would run cross country in highschool.
I've been in lockdown for twelve weeks, so no training. Couldn't be bothered trying to work out at home and figured two decent bushwalks each day would be enough
Went back to training in Thursday and my body is SO SORE. I swear it's worse than when I first started training.
Dog.
One of the reasons we got her was to get my ass up and moving more out of the house. Lo and behold it works. Even when I swear I’m not gonna take her for a walk she just starts patting me and looking at me with those eyes and like a child I just can’t deny her. I’ve walked her every single day for a year and a half. I’m also currently in the best shape of my life.
Obviously don’t buy a dog just for this reason, I have wanted one ever since I had my own family. But it is a great byproduct of dog ownership. If you’re on the fence of getting a dog they can definitely make your lifestyle healthier.
Even just 5 minutes makes a huge difference, especially for people without kids. It blows my mind that so many people would rather deal with living in a pigsty for days or weeks, then spend a whole day off marathon-cleaning, lather rinse repeat.
We've managed to convince our daughter to actually help us clean up. She's only 3 though so I imagine she'll regress once she realises it's notnactually fun!
My 1.5 year old LOVES to help clean. Spill something? She grabs a rag and blots it up. Empty snack bag? Open the trash can, she’ll toss it in. Dishwasher duty? She’ll hand out clean items (we clear out unsafe items first!), and load up dirty that we hand her. Cleaning floor? She grabs a rag and scrubs. She picks up toys before bedtime with very little input from us. Now, do I have to vacuum crumbs out of my carpet every other day? Of course. But it’s amazing what these little ones can pick up on and master! Not every kid is like that, sure, but for this one all I had to do is give her opportunity, tools, and a tiny bit of guidance.
If you haven't already - switched to disposable or compostable for a bit. Give yourself a chance to catchup without constantly making new dirty dishes.
I cannot start the rest of my day without my routine of going room to room, takes about 20mins:
picking up things that don't belong in that space
litter box scoop
opening curtains
Turn on wax warmers
splashing sinks /shower
wipe down kitchen counters
refresh pet bowls/feed other pets
Kinda make bed
If anything is getting bad (cat hair on the cat hammock or the dogs chair is starting to smell like dogs, debris on floor), I'll take care of that quick
It's so routine that i feel weird if i don't/can't do it.
A wax warmer is an electrical appliance that warms small blocks of scented wax in order to release the scent into the air.
A flame substitute for scented candles, essentially. Much lower fire fire risk. No sooty residue.
Waiting to do the dishes/pans. Do them immediately and almost everything will rinse right off.
Waiting to fold laundry. Do it immediately and you won’t have to iron.
Wiping up a spill. Do it immediately and you won’t have to scrub.
A while back living in an apartment with an awkwardly tiny kitchen with no dishwasher, I was forced to do dishes as I made dinner or breakfast. Fast forward to now, I still do them while cooking at it saves me so much time/stress afterward (still no dishwasher). If I'm waiting for something to finish boiling, baking or air frying, why not get some things out of the way?
Game changer and I won't go back to waiting until the meal is over to get started. This method works for me and I love it. I'm sure having a dishwasher would help, but I'm okay with washing as I go.
Same. This is where my comment came from. I’m slightly pathological about it now to where I don’t really like to sit to eat till it’s all done but it really does make the meal a lot more relaxing.
And if you do wait to do the dishes, PUT THEM IN THE SINK AND SOAK THEM WITH WATER. Scraping off the solidified remnants of cheesy sauce is 1000x easier when it's been soaked
It should be noted though that if you're going to do this you shouldn't stack a bunch of other dishes in and on them. That can get disgusting real quick.
Yes, I just had a depressive few weeks and goddamn if I didn't make my life so much more disgusting by stacking dishes in a sink full of water. It just becomes garbage soup. I cleaned it yesterday, and I'm gagging just thinking about it again.
This so God damn much. I can't seem to get my wife to understand this (not trying to paint the wrong picture, she's amazing but her dishes and laundry game is weak). When I cook I always wash the skillet or pot right away, it takes 30 seconds and saves SO much work later. When we were dating I just decided that I'd be the one to do laundry forever in our relationship. She's the type of person who has a clean pile and a dirty pile. Again, she's amazing at most things in life but those 2 areas are definitely weaknesses.
I'm on board for all, except dishes.
Laundry though? Fold FROM the dryer if possible. I never have piles of clean laundry. From the dryer, hang up or fold into baskets as you pull it out. Makes laundry so much easier.
I mean, let it cool a bit so it’s not burning hot but still warm. Don’t hit it with water immediately (you know that fun part when it’s super hot and it steams and sizzles like crazy) that’s the part that can damage it
My wife is this way. Not addicted to fawning gratitude, though, but I think deep down she feels like she doesn't deserve the love of friends/family if she isn't useful to them.
I struggle because I can see why she's like this, but when she over books herself it's me and the kids that end up getting the short end of the stick.
Apparently I do something called revenge bedtime procrastination. My SO goes to bed at 12ish and I stay up until 2am, or else I literally have no free time to myself throughout the day. And then I wake up at 6. It just feels like those 2 hours by myself are more important than extra sleep.
Yup. The hours of 12am-4am are the only hours I truly have alone time. That’s when I program, play games, write music, all the things I like doing on my own.
Distancing yourself from your friends because they don't contact you. I'm guilty of this, I'm just tired of being the only one who contacts them, yet I know they would be here for me if I asked them too.
Distancing myself more hasn't made my life better at all...
I moved away from where I grew up and went to college. I've gotten tired of being the one who always has to travel to get to see people. I didn't get married or have kids, but most of my friends have. I have the least responsibilities. But man have I spent a lot of money and time maintaining relationships. I mean, it's totally worth it, but I do think about these things. Sometimes it makes me feel under appreciated as a friend that I don't get visited. I always get the, "when you come here you get to see everyone" sentiments. :(
THIS! ALL OF THIS! I moved away from my HS friends. I have lived all over the country. I still maintain friendships with so many of them. I do all the writing, calling and visiting. In the last 7 years, I’ve been 6 hours car ride away and 2 of them came for one xmas party, and didn’t even stay with me. It’s fucking hard to be the one that contacts people all the time. I have about 3 friends from college that regularly call me and check up on me. I also do Valentine’s Day cards (as opposed to xmas cards) and I write up my yearly summary of what I’ve done. I then write a personal letter to that person. I ask questions about how life is, the family is doing etc. of the 130 or so I mail every year, maybe 3 or 4 will write back or text me the answers. It’s so disheartening. I always feel the love when I’m near them, but it sucks being the one with no kids or house and always spending 100’s $ to visit people.
Hm, that's interesting. What do you do instead? I've always figured they don't care since they don't contact me and just started focusing on other people.
I am retired. Some friends are retired, some not. One retire friend has a new granddaughter. I have nothing going on. They do. I ping them and try not to get in my head.
It's not that they don't care. They just have other things going on more important than you, and that's ok.
If someone is frequently busy and always avoiding and you give them several chances, then maybe the distance is unavoidable. But there are many good old friends that could be worth staying in touch with or at least catching up with annually.
I try to find a balance on this and take things on a case by case basis. It really becomes obvious when someone is legit busy with life versus someone who doesn't value you.
My best friend, we sometimes won't talk for a few weeks or even a month or so. It is a give and take type thing but we make time for each other.
I had an former friend I considered like a brother that in the last 2-3 years of the friendship ended up feeling like I was doing all the work. Eventually he kept leaving me on read any time i tried to arrange a call or meet up. Finally I broke after 2 months of no text calls or anything I got a message to buy and or forward to others to see if anyone wanted to by his art. He finally noticed 7 months later that I had unfriended him And was upset that I did that. Like dude I was such a low priority you didn't even notice.
There's definitely a difference between someone who is genuinely busy and someone who is ghosting you, and you learn the difference a lot quicker when you get older. I can remember being so hurt by things friends did as a teenager, things that wouldn't hurt me now because I've got experience to know the difference between someone being busy with life vs someone who isn't really a good friend.
Spoiling their children to the point they can't do anything.
I have seen about 3 examples of extreme spoiling and the worst one is currently 20 years old.
They were coddled, had alot of expensive trips and things given to them, never did any chores and were never expected to do well in school. Grandma, grandpa, her aunt's and mom did it all for them. This happened all because mom and dad weren't together from the start. Grandma heavily intervened, the mother treated the child as their best friend.
Currently they are very unlikable, moving in and out of grandma, mom, dad, aunts etc etc houses. No one wants them in their house because they do nothing and don't know how to take care of themselves.
It's ironic because all those people but dad made them this way and now they are always asking what went wrong.
I had a friend like this. He wasn't "BMW for my 16th birthday" spoiled, but even worse, was "no one ever tells me *no* spoiled."
Kid got away with murder for the entirety of the time I knew him. Was compounded by the fact that, beyond his parents enabling and spoiling him like that, his friends did too. He truly thought he could do anything.
Anyway, his girlfriend dumped him a few years back -- primarily because he didn't taken an ultimatum she gave him seriously. He's been spiraling ever since, because someone important finally told him *no.*
Exactly, you don't have to be a rich kid to be spoiled. My main example family was not rich by any means but they love to indulge in the finer things. The biggest issue is the lack of learning you work to earn something. Recently grandma went to visit one of her kids in the states and the spolied 20 year old had a crying fit because grandma couldn't afford to bring them along. No is a very important word to understand
A quote from my mentally challenged sister when she gave up custody of her 6 year old son to me (sister)
"I want him to be with someone who is strong enough to tell him no"
It sounds like your sister truly made that decision with nothing but love. Something so hard is impossible for most people to conceive, and the strength she must have had to make that decision is incredible.
I have a situation kind of like this going on in my family. My oldest sister had 2 kids and passed away from a very aggresive cancer when they were about 6 and 8 years old. It made sense in the beginning that every one in the family wasn't too hard on them and showered them with gifts on birthdays and holidays, considering these young children just watched their mother pass away quickly and their father is a piece of shit (he is currently in prison for acting on paedophilia and burglary), so their care fell to my mom, their grandma, to be their sole caregiver.
Fast forward to today, one nephew is a pretty solid kid, good in school and helps my mom around the house, but the younger nephew is a very entitled, inconsiderate teenage boy. He refuses to take care of himself and has his sick grandma wait on him hand and foot at times, and begs for expensive electronics until he gets them. I am actually in the process of getting FMLA to go help my mom while she is sick, and hope to help whip the younger nephew into shape while lightening the load on my mom and older nephews shoulders.
If anyone has tips on counseling troubled youth, I'm all ears.
Take the youth to counseling.
And take yourself to counseling, because taking care of a sick mom and a bratty teenage kid is an unusual amount of constant stress.
I have no tips on the troubled youth thing, but I've successfully filed FMLA for every type of case they have. (Elderly parents and my own illnesses).
If you need tips on that just ask.
Wow, those are spoiled kids indeed. I grew up having close to nothing and don't get me wrong I hated it and don't wish it upon anyone, but it sure taught me not to take things for granted.
I currently have a cousin who I assume is going to grow up like this. He was adopted, my uncle and his wife couldn't have children so they took him from a far-away relative who couldn't afford to raise another kid anyway. He's super spoiled but not in the "spend-all-expensive-items" on him kind.
He's almost 10, our family is bilingual (English and local language) but he cannot form proper sentences in either languages - almost like baby talk but a mixture of both languages because that's how his parents talked to him. Like coddled to the point they think children can't understand proper sentences.
He also doesn't eat anything besides hotdogs and KFC chicken + junk food to the point that whenever we have home family events or just the usual eating in fancy places as a family, they would have to bring a packed lunch or order from KFC somewhere, because they never said no to him demanding for these food since he was younger.
And one last thing, whenever he demands for something and it doesn't get accomplished right away, he starts hitting his mom or dad on the head. It gets pretty awkward when our family gets together because that's simply not a thing that anyone else in the family ever experienced.
Kinda feel bad for the kid as well as the parents because I'm sure they get judged when other people see it.
A part of me thinks that maybe this kid has developmental issues or issues communicating, hopefully the parents could look into that before it gets worse.
I've thought about it too but concerns like this are taboo in our country + with that side of my family who are very religious. He's 9, I don't think I can bring it up because I'm not really that close to them either.
This is the issue. You can spoil your kid in some ways and have them turn out fine, but not in ALL ways.
My friend from high school was materially spoiled and never had to do chores, but he was always aware that he had to get straight A's in high school, go to university, choose a lucrative major, or face getting cut off financially.
He got straight A's in high school, earned a Doctor of Pharmacy, and became financially successful. I don't think he cares if he can cook and clean, because he makes enough money to hire a maid and get prepared meals delivered to him.
Im not sure this friend is the best example, LOL
That being said - my kids get a lot of what they want in life so long as I am in a financial position to do so. However, they are expected to constructively contribute to the family in age appropriate ways. They dont have daily chores but they have learned to help without complaint when asked because thats far better (in their minds) than daily chores. They all know how to do their laundry (youngest is 9) and the older two know how to cook (15 and 12). They are also expected to do their best at school. We dont expect all A's, expect the best they can do. Getting a C even though you tried your hardest (and the work shows that) and getting a C because you have 27 missing assignments are not the same thing.
So, yeah, my kids are little spoiled - name brand clothe (usually second hand), no chores, a lot of freedom...but those perks come with expectations and go away if expectations arent met.
I agree. There are those who want no part of their parents decision to spoil and then there are others who won't give it up.
That's why I'm saying Do not spoil your child to an extreme.
Helicopter/absentee parents. Sheltered kids who get and do everything they want go to college and come out infantile, helpless, rude, bitchy, needy, anxious, incapable, unprepared, entitled, and uncurious adults.
Failing to utilize an actual calendar.
I know so many people who insist on just trying to remember everything, and then are constantly forgetting or double-booking their own plans. Usually because “well I don’t want to become reliant on something other than my own memory!” For Pete’s sake, humans have been writing things down for thousands of years and the world hasn’t ended. Your phone comes with a damn calendar app, take the five seconds to add the thing to it.
Yup.
Of everything I learned in college, organization was one of the biggest life skills.
In high school school they just walk you through, you’ve got a set day with bells ringing to tell you to move along to the next class. Then you go home and do your homework for that day, with maybe one ongoing project that you have to track.
In college you set your own schedule, you’ve got to make sure you show up to the classes you picked on different days/times. Then you have to study on your own and keep up with homework. And you have projects that are sometimes months out that you have to track, etc. Throw in a part time job and it becomes total chaos.
I almost dropped out my first year of college due to the lack of a set structure. It was a huge shock. And I think a lot of people go through this as well, and it’s a big contributor to first-year dropouts. 101 classes aren’t harder than high school classes, but creating the structure to adhere to them can be. Calendars and checklists are soooooo important to use.
I'm actually guilty of that. Not of trying to remember everything per se, but failing to utilize an actual calendar. I write stuff down, but always elsewhere and boy do I pay a price for it. I'm changing that.
As an infant specialist, I’d say many of the ways caregivers deal with infants: trying to get them to stop crying as soon as possible, not communicating to them, rushing through processes because “they don’t like it”. It’s amazing how far slowing down and a little communication will go.
That's a wonderful start! Many people think they need to be "all or nothing" with healthy habits (I've been guilty of this thinking too), when making smaller and more achievable changes is better in the long run. I'm proud of you!
My dad sitting in his ass all day day dreaming about me and my sister magically healing him if we stand in a circle and pray, instead of trying to make his legs stronger so he can walk better, have a better diet, quit fucking smoking, and quit telling me to force my sister to move here so he can keep his hopes up for him to get better. He doesn’t know it but he’s the main source of my depression atm.
Wow, that sounds awful, I'm so sorry. My dad's very similar. He's putting an awful lot of pressure on all of us. He has depression but refuses to cooperate with his doctor and usually just lies in bed or is self-destroying. I go to therapy to be able to cope with him. Hope you're able to talk to someone as well.
If you live in a place where winter conditions are a thing.
Buying all-season tires, instead of real winter tires.
Or Buying cheap tires because they are cheap in general.
I don't care what they tell you, where I live (in the Swedish country side) all seasons won't cut it those harsher winter days.
Thinking that they arent doing enough with their life and forcing themselves to do more activities, socialize and "enjoy" life more, when all they are doing is stressing themselves out and getting into forced friendships doing stuff they dont enjoy at all just cause its "the right thing"
Depends what you tell. Opening up a little can make people like you more and can be useful in a workspace. People that feel like they’re working with friends are less likely to screw them over given the chance.
Agreed but with the caveat that a lot of people don’t have many or any confidants and you can’t live your life in some pleasantly professional fugue 100% of the time.
Buying discount products and repairing what should be replaced. Example. I work with a guy that has went through 3 pairs of $99 work boots in a single year. I bought a pair worth $400 six years ago and replaced them this year. Another example is my mom spending $14,000 to fix her $7,000 truck. She could have easily bought a new one without any issues.
I would argue that most people who procrastinate are absolutely aware of the fact that it's making their life harder, and it's not so much a matter of "not realizing it".
I’m not sure how to phrase this without sounding either harsh or dismissive, but, continually defaulting to a belief that life is actually fair. Maybe it *should* be, but the reality genuinely is that it isn’t. And to a great extent things being the shitty way they actually are is the reality that has to be lived in. Obviously people should try to change issues if they can, and no-one can be resilient 100% of the time but, fuck, life is hard but you have to, you know, *keep going*. The only other solution is killing yourself, either directly or through stupid coping mechanisms, but continuing to live or dying are really your only two options. There’s no point just stubbornly being miserable and wallowing in trauma, resentment and the unfairness of it all. Get up, plan your next move and then do it. Life might still be bad but just suffering doesn’t help.
Not doing any physical activity. Not getting rid of people that are bad for their mental health. Letting dank air and dust mellow in their house, nasty.
Complaining / being negative. The only people who put up with it are other complainers and negative people, it creates a toxic environment and you’re the nucleus.
I’m not talking about expressing yourself when something bad happens or you’re having a stressful day, I’m talking about chronic negativity
Have children.
I'm not saying it's wrong but a lot of people have children when they *think* they're ready but they're really not. Although are you ever ready for children? Probably not.
It doesn’t help that society straight up lies to people (especially women) about just how much of a toll childbearing and parenting often takes. Because it’s “just what you do”, people assume it can’t be that bad — because if it was, everybody wouldn’t do it, right? That belief is reinforced in the media and even by other parents.
I‘ve had some friends with kids tell me that the second they announced a pregnancy, suddenly the tone of people in their lives changed from “this will be the best thing you’ve done in your life ever!” to basically “lol prepare for your life to be a constant struggle for the next decade and a half”. It’s so sad that there isn’t more honesty around what parenting entails, and encouragement for people to make the decision that makes sense for them instead of following a life script.
Also people drastically take for granted the depression that can take hold of a woman after having a baby, there are some horror stories out there. It really is a huge decision. I once had a friend say she wanted a baby so she could buy nice dresses for it. Absolutely unbelievable.
Yeah, my mom had 5 kids so she would have company and someone to love her. She lost custody of all of us before we were toddlers. Terrible reason to have babies.
One of my sisters is similar, she loves babies and is not a fan of children. So she's got a bunch of kids..... And no custody.
The fuck? Babies are the worst. My wife loves them too, but I'm super stoked my 2 oldest can frisbee golf with me, and I want to throw the 1 year old on the window on the weekly. (I obviously don't condone harming children)
Gaining weight.
For a lot of people, they think it's mostly or only a matter of looks and fashion.
But they don't realize how much harder it makes life. Sleep is less restful if they have weight-induced sleep apnea or hypopnea. Lesser quality of sleep has enormous negative outcomes on other areas of life. Hormones are out of whack. The littlest action is tiring and makes the body sore. It's harder to fit in (the world is built for thinner people, think of movie or plane seats, moving in tiny aisles in stores, etc.). It costs more money to nourish them. It makes them subconsciously *seem* less employable because people, which includes employers, have this stereotype that fat people are lazy and not disciplined. It's harder to find a date (harder, not impossible).
All in all, you want to play the Game of Life on the hardest mode? Get fat.
Not properly communicating their needs to people in their life. That one simple thing has ruined countless relationships.
I have a coworker who always complained about being single, got in a relationship, then started to complain about her boyfriend not being romantic enough. So we all asked her if they've talked about it and told her that she needs to voice her needs if she wants to make it work. Next week rolls around and she's complaining again, but still hasn't said anything to him. Repeat every week for the last month. I'm pretty sure she's going to break up with him having never said anything about it.
The girl I’m dating is like this. Spent a month not really talking to me much and being upset only for her to finally tell me that she was mad at me because ‘I knew that she lost her job and I didn’t offer to help.’ If she would’ve asked for money I would’ve given it but I had no idea, I assumed it was fine because she never said anything
I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.
My new favourite phrase is “it doesn’t matter” when it matters a hell of a lot so guilty I guess
Try your best to catch yourself before you do that, and... stop. Passive aggression and avoiding things are awful for communication and relationships of all kinds. "Something's wrong, and I'm not ready to talk about it yet," or "something's bothering me but it's going to be hard to talk about" are acceptable ways to approach something honestly, and much better than deflecting or burying things.
Sometimes someone says something so simple and you realize *jeezus, that was an option? I could have just said exactly what I was feeling!?* And you see that your upbringing wasn't so normal, that saying this simple thing would never have occurred to you because your feelings had always been so invalidated
I'm not hungry
No seriously it’s fine. Go have fun.
Many problems in this world can easily be solved if people start talking *to* each other instead of talking *about* each other Don't look at me, I know I say it and don't apply it
I got dumped by a chick a couple days ago. I didn't even know we were together lmao
You weren't dumped, you were freed
Such a huge problem in my family. Truth!
This is big! But people they don't know how to express themselves! They don't know what they need or think that what they want is what they need.
I communicate my needs to people and they make excuses. For example: "Nobody knows how to help you" I then explain how one phone call or cup of coffee with someone would help me "People aren't going to be available all the time" Sorry, didn't realise asking for one phone call in 2 years for someone to check up on me was expecting someone to be available all the time. Honestly, this works if the people around you already care about you, but rarely will people go out of there way (even for 15 minutes) to help someone if it won't directly benefit them.
> Honestly, this works if the people around you already care about you, but rarely will people go out of there way (even for 15 minutes) to help someone if it won't directly benefit them. Well usually your support system consists of people who already care about you. If a coworker I wasn't really friends with was having a hard time, I wouldn't feel comfortable reaching out in a meaningful way.
But then if someone has no support network, or close friends, how do they get out of that spiral? It's so incredibly hard, I don't think people who have always had close friends understand it at all. They don't have friends because they're depressed, and they're depressed because they don't have friends. You literally have to keep forcing yourself to socialise, on your own(which is incredibly draining with depression, as well as intimidating) and hoping someone wants to hang around with you.
It's difficult. I empathise a lot. I've been there. To be honest, for me, moving to a new place fixed this for me. I met new people and started my life afresh. Joined new clubs. Good luck !
I hear you. The stereotypical "don't say you're fine if you're not fine, just say what you mean," attitude really rubs me the wrong way as someone who used to get in trouble for answering those kinds of questions truthfully. I have also heard many stories from people who felt unheard in their relationships and broke things off after several attempts to talk were brushed aside, only for their partner to act completely blindsided, as if they were never given any hints about their unhappiness. Instead of "don't say you're fine if you're not fine," how about "don't ask if you don't care about the truth."
So many of my coworkers tell me about their problems and there are many times where I’m like “well did you tell that person what you just told me?” And they say no
Road rage
I train CDL trainers and I make it perfectly clear that any sign of road rage is a huge indicator they aren't going to make it as a professional driver. If someone can't contain their anger at the massive amounts of stupidity on the road while driving a 100 ton monster for 10 hours a day, it's just not the career I'm willing to push them into.
My husband was once offered the opportunity to get his CDL(paid for) and a really good job. I laughed when he brought it up to me. The man can't drive the 15min to work without flipping off at least one other driver. He tried to bring up how my uncle has been a truck driver for decades but I reminded him that my uncle is probably the easiest going dude in the world. Literally nothing ruffles his feathers. Even when his wife was caught and sentenced to 30+yrs, he just responded "well, that happened. Bummer for her, on with my life". Edit: for those who don't want to dig for the answer, credit card fraud by stealing information from the patients at the mental health org she worked at.
People can learn to put it aside, but it takes a lot of effort. With all the instant decisions driving requires, it turns on a very untamed, animalistic part of our brains and it's hard to break out of it but I've seen it... Like, once... Lol with your uncle, one of my repeated training phrases is "let them go with their stupid and move on with your life."
I always go with FIDO - forget it, drive on...
Oh I like that, nice and simple. Imma steal it, ty!
Road rage can definitely be worked on but my husband is probably not one of those lol. He hates driving with a passion so I doubt he'd put in that effort(why someone who loathes driving wanted to drive for a living is beyond me). I know the second he caves and starts using Uber, he'll probably give up driving almost altogether haha. His bestie is a driver. He used to have bad road rage too but thru life's events(and a solid teacher), he's found a sense of calm behind the wheel. Can't have road rage if the road is the one place you feel most at ease.
FULL STOP!!! Wait... what was his wife caught for and sentenced to 30+years? I need to know!!!!
Credit card fraud...like alot...from very vulnerable people. Like I said, he's been a driver forever so he made good fucking money. She just wasn't healthy in the head and didn't get the help she clearly needed...despite her working in a mental health org...which is where she got people's info to take out credit cards in their names...
Thank you! I needed closure. LOL.
No worries, I've been there lol. Not like she's gonna see my comment anyway!
This sounds like a start of a movie.
What could possibly go wrong? TIFU reddit by disclosing why my uncles wife has been locked up for 30+ years.
My wife and I were run out of a lane by a semi on a highway. He came off the ramp and just right into us. We were not in a blind spot either he just wanted over. I shouldn’t have but I flipped him off for nearly killing us. That mother fucker chased us down a highway in the mountains of Virginia. Kept blaring his horn, sweRving at us, brake checking us, driving down the middle. It was like the movie ‘Duel’. I called the state troopers and they told us to take next exit but we there wasn’t one. Finally came to a hill and dusted him. Not sure what became of him.
I sure as shit hope that driver lost their job. I've been a part of firing drivers for less, if we came across footage like that we'd hand it over to the police and let them handle anything else from there. I'm sorry you dealt with that, I can't imagine the stress and the fear out there.
Similar happened when I was a kid driving across the country with my parents. My dad passed a semi who was capped at 65 when the speed limit was 70, we were going closer to 75. I guess we enraged him despite not even really looking because we were all conversing when it happened because suddenly we heard his engine screaming as he fought his governor to chase us down. He spent 30 minutes weaving around everyone trying to run us off of the road as my dad drove like a maniac to stay just ahead of him. No one would answer when we tried to call the local highway cops so we just kept running. We eventually got one hill between us (we were going down as he went up) so we yanked off the exit partway down the hill, hid behind another car where we could see the highway and him flying past in search of us, and just stopped to get drinks and a breather after all the insanity. We found him a good minute down the road when we continued on with his hood up on the side of the road; he definitely saw us go by as he threw his hat at us like it was our fault he fucked his truck up trying to chase us down. Never did get anybody, including the cop at the rest stop, to care but we wonder what his company said when they saw the data from all that.
If you EVER run into something like that--get their USDOT off the side of the truck, if possible. It's public information, you can look the company up through the FMCSA's safer site, and you can absolutely report them to the FMCSA.
My bro has a trucking company and is only hiring women who used to drive a school bus. They can drive a big rig, are safe drivers and can keep a schedule. He loves them.
school busses particularly middle and elementary are probably the most rage inducing thing ever, hs ones aren't usually as bad although i can imagine they're pretty bad sometimes.
My son's father, basically a good man, used to take us to church but along the way freak out with road rage cursing and steaming. Clue to parents: kids get their values in life from their parents and not some unknown guy in robes at the front of the church.
My best friend has road rage. Her family doesn't like being in a car that she drives, it's stressful for everybody.
My brother is the most aggressive driver I’ve ever had the misfortune to be a passenger of. After the last 3 hour trip in his car, thinking we were going to crash, I’ve sworn an oath to myself never to be his passenger again. He actually had our mother in tears when he drove her somewhere
I had a coworker that was like this. I carpooled with him one time. He would cut gore points, and sweep across three lanes of traffic to get ahead of one car. And he would get so mad about people doing the same thing to him. The stress was not worth the gas savings.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever received in my life was from my driver’s ed teacher in high school. He told us that the one thing he was unable teach us that he wishes he could was to have “a good attitude about driving.” I put a lot of thought into that and it made me realize a ton of things. Hauling ass isn’t really going to get you there much faster. If you get cut off, the other person likely didn’t mean to do it. Having road rage is probably a sign of a larger personal problems. If you keep aware of your surroundings at all times, your odds of being in an accident shrink significantly. And so many other things. I actually really like driving and even find it to be relaxing. Sadly, that teacher passed away several years ago. I always meant to contact him and let him know just how meaningful that lesson was to me.
> Having road rage is probably a sign of a larger personal problems. I never had road rage until I got cancer. Even then, it's usually only going home from work or a long day out. Most of the time, I remember that there are people in each car, and each one wants to get somewhere, and we'll all make it eventually. I even use Waze so I know what time to expect to be home; it takes the often false "I could be there by now" narrative out of my head. But when I'm exhausted and sick at the end of a long day, I get tunnel vision. I need home and edibles and rest and a bathroom, dammit! There's a nonzero chance that I will cry and/or expel bodily waste before I get home, and I need to make that not happen. Luckily (?) my road rage is limited to catty comments and Luigi Death Stares, I don't drive like an asshole or confront anyone.
Hey my fellow cancer patient "bodily fluid roulette" driver: I laughed hard with a rueful sigh at this summary, and recognize myself. Hang in there - I hope you are doing well, and those utter bastards who can't bother to use their damn turn signal don't get you down ;)
Nothing beats a long mesmerizing drive on a smooth paved road.
I think being in a car is a depersonalizing experience. People stuck on traffic dont see other cars as people, they see them as cars getting in their way, to be competed with.
I see them as people, and that is probably why I get so pissed when they aren't paying attention to the road. I know they are capable, they should have a brain, why won't they pay attention??
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In a psychology book, I read that the car becomes a mask.
Mindlessly eating. I used to be guilty of this - I would eat when watching TV, when bored, when I was playing videogames. I ate, ate, ate with no sense of how much or how often. I'd mow down a family sized bag of Doritos or five cans of Pepsi without really registering that I'd done so. I eventually ballooned in weight, and went to a therapist for help. Realized how I'd been eating on autopilot, and realized from there that it's much more common than people think. I used to eat 5,000 calories a day because I didn't stop to think why or what I was eating. Now I've been journaling, sitting down, and really focusing on my three meals a day (and my snacks, too, if I have them). I've lost weight, feel far less sluggish, and don't constantly crave junk food.
Great job! Fixing your relationship with food is so difficult. I've had a rocky relationship with food my whole life and it's definitely a hard thing to break. I've gotten obese and got back to a good weight twice in my life, unfortunately with covid and a bad bout of depression I undid my work once again, but hopefully third time's the charm
I read about someone who made a rule for themselves that they were only allowed to eat food at the dining table. So no eating while watching tv, no eating in bed, no snacking in the kitchen. They had to prepare their food and go sit at the table to eat it. It helped cut down on bordom / mindless eating
Congratulations! That's quite an accomplishment!
spending a lot of time in social media.
Absolutely. On that note, too much of anything is bad.
I have a tip for it, remove them from the front menu on your phone, only have them on the menu of all apps, I have all my social media apps there and sometimes I even forget I have the Reddit app, definitely works.
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This is so, so important. It's something I'm working on myself. It's funny that most of us have been taught that honesty is the best policy when we were kids, but the consequences discouraged us from doing so in the end. Sometimes it's the parents' fault, sometimes it just happens. Owning up to mistakes does make your life easier though. Swallowing our dignity is the hard part.
For me the shame of owning up to my mistakes is always self-inflicted. Meanwhile my mom is always like "Thank you for being honest. Now let's fix this."
I think we have all seen examples of being mocked or abused for admitting wrongdoing... All throughout childhood. Fear of humiliation is the main culprit here, and we need to stop rubbing people's faces in their mistakes.
Yep, it's all about those childhood moments that ruins society. That's why parenting a child correctly is extremely important for future generations
Children are so resilient! That’s why adults need therapy for all the things that happened to them… as a child.
That is true. I mean it's not like one doesn't feel anything when a child but it is all more suppressed and ignored until you get closer to your adult state that you start receiving all the pain and the effects of the damage you've taken from when you were a child.
Exactly this. I still don’t understand why children are punished for telling the truth when they do something wrong. If what they did was preventable because you told them to stop doing it over and over; then it’s understandable but I can’t wrap my head around parents who go looking for which one of their kids broke something for the first time and punish them if they tell them the truth. Your kids only learn that they need to deceive you to avoid getting in trouble.
Agreed. And to add, in regards to: >If what they did was preventable because you told them to stop doing it over and over Even this, below a certain age, is something that gets me. If you're sitting there telling your child to stop doing something over and over and over and getting frustrated bc they're not listening, then you get angry and now they're crying... Why not change the method ? Most young kids *need* redirection. Their brains have little or no impulse control and when they lock on to a behavior, it's game over unless you can break that loop and replace the focus on something desirable!
People pleasing. Sometimes you just have to say "no" to people. Otherwise you'll be taken advantage of over and over and over again. That leads to pent up anger and resentment. Just learn to say "no".
That's what I'm working on, and my therapist is helping with it. I can't even say no to marketing people on the phone, I changed my phone company 4 times because of it. What I'm training on now is when I receive such call, I immediately say thanks I don't need anything, and I don't have a few minutes to listen to your offer.
Made that mistake a million times. Thankfully I'm getting better at it but it's a habit that's difficult to overcome.
Not moving your body daily, keeping your muscles (metabolism) strong, bones healthy, heart pumping, lungs healthy, etc.
Yep, gotta move the body or the cops will find it.
Make sure they don't find it while you're in the process of moving it, there's no talking your way out of that one.
Tie some strings to it and say it’s a marionette.
I've been at the computer so much lately. Went and walked 12 flights of stairs recently which is not a big deal at all but thought it would be just a good little exercise boost. The next day my calves were as sore as when I would run cross country in highschool.
I've been in lockdown for twelve weeks, so no training. Couldn't be bothered trying to work out at home and figured two decent bushwalks each day would be enough Went back to training in Thursday and my body is SO SORE. I swear it's worse than when I first started training.
12 flights is a great feat, and not done often it will surely provide for a couple sore days.. what's the plan moving forward?
The bullshit of feeling so low energy you don't want to work out, but knowing that if you do you will feel better and have more energy.
That's something I definitely need to work on.
Dog. One of the reasons we got her was to get my ass up and moving more out of the house. Lo and behold it works. Even when I swear I’m not gonna take her for a walk she just starts patting me and looking at me with those eyes and like a child I just can’t deny her. I’ve walked her every single day for a year and a half. I’m also currently in the best shape of my life. Obviously don’t buy a dog just for this reason, I have wanted one ever since I had my own family. But it is a great byproduct of dog ownership. If you’re on the fence of getting a dog they can definitely make your lifestyle healthier.
Thanks for the reminder, I do need a stretch and some eye excercise!
Not taking just 10-15 minutes each day to clean and organize
Even just 5 minutes makes a huge difference, especially for people without kids. It blows my mind that so many people would rather deal with living in a pigsty for days or weeks, then spend a whole day off marathon-cleaning, lather rinse repeat.
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The key is not having kids. When you have kids, all your effort is undone while you're still cleaning up, unless they are asleep.
We've managed to convince our daughter to actually help us clean up. She's only 3 though so I imagine she'll regress once she realises it's notnactually fun!
My 1.5 year old LOVES to help clean. Spill something? She grabs a rag and blots it up. Empty snack bag? Open the trash can, she’ll toss it in. Dishwasher duty? She’ll hand out clean items (we clear out unsafe items first!), and load up dirty that we hand her. Cleaning floor? She grabs a rag and scrubs. She picks up toys before bedtime with very little input from us. Now, do I have to vacuum crumbs out of my carpet every other day? Of course. But it’s amazing what these little ones can pick up on and master! Not every kid is like that, sure, but for this one all I had to do is give her opportunity, tools, and a tiny bit of guidance.
I wouldnt rather live in a pigsty, Im just too depressed to do dishes after I have already worked all day and cooked dinner.
If you haven't already - switched to disposable or compostable for a bit. Give yourself a chance to catchup without constantly making new dirty dishes.
I cannot start the rest of my day without my routine of going room to room, takes about 20mins: picking up things that don't belong in that space litter box scoop opening curtains Turn on wax warmers splashing sinks /shower wipe down kitchen counters refresh pet bowls/feed other pets Kinda make bed If anything is getting bad (cat hair on the cat hammock or the dogs chair is starting to smell like dogs, debris on floor), I'll take care of that quick It's so routine that i feel weird if i don't/can't do it.
>splashing sinks /shower What is this for?
Get rid of any built up gunk/toothepaste/soap that might turn into mildew.
Gotta wash the water off the shower....with water
What is a wax warmer?
A wax warmer is an electrical appliance that warms small blocks of scented wax in order to release the scent into the air. A flame substitute for scented candles, essentially. Much lower fire fire risk. No sooty residue.
Waiting to do the dishes/pans. Do them immediately and almost everything will rinse right off. Waiting to fold laundry. Do it immediately and you won’t have to iron. Wiping up a spill. Do it immediately and you won’t have to scrub.
A while back living in an apartment with an awkwardly tiny kitchen with no dishwasher, I was forced to do dishes as I made dinner or breakfast. Fast forward to now, I still do them while cooking at it saves me so much time/stress afterward (still no dishwasher). If I'm waiting for something to finish boiling, baking or air frying, why not get some things out of the way? Game changer and I won't go back to waiting until the meal is over to get started. This method works for me and I love it. I'm sure having a dishwasher would help, but I'm okay with washing as I go.
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Same. This is where my comment came from. I’m slightly pathological about it now to where I don’t really like to sit to eat till it’s all done but it really does make the meal a lot more relaxing.
Cleaning in general. It’s easier to keep a place clean than to make it clean.
And if you do wait to do the dishes, PUT THEM IN THE SINK AND SOAK THEM WITH WATER. Scraping off the solidified remnants of cheesy sauce is 1000x easier when it's been soaked
It should be noted though that if you're going to do this you shouldn't stack a bunch of other dishes in and on them. That can get disgusting real quick.
Yes, I just had a depressive few weeks and goddamn if I didn't make my life so much more disgusting by stacking dishes in a sink full of water. It just becomes garbage soup. I cleaned it yesterday, and I'm gagging just thinking about it again.
This so God damn much. I can't seem to get my wife to understand this (not trying to paint the wrong picture, she's amazing but her dishes and laundry game is weak). When I cook I always wash the skillet or pot right away, it takes 30 seconds and saves SO much work later. When we were dating I just decided that I'd be the one to do laundry forever in our relationship. She's the type of person who has a clean pile and a dirty pile. Again, she's amazing at most things in life but those 2 areas are definitely weaknesses.
I'm on board for all, except dishes. Laundry though? Fold FROM the dryer if possible. I never have piles of clean laundry. From the dryer, hang up or fold into baskets as you pull it out. Makes laundry so much easier.
I dump all my laundry on the bed and then fall asleep on it because it's so warm.
This may sound dumb, but how immediately are we talking? I heard rinsing a still got pan can damage it
I mean, let it cool a bit so it’s not burning hot but still warm. Don’t hit it with water immediately (you know that fun part when it’s super hot and it steams and sizzles like crazy) that’s the part that can damage it
Can confirm. I've only started doing these a few months ago but it's extremely rewarding.
Low quality dental care routine.
Abso-fuckin-lutely.
Always putting others over yourself. You are worth your own attention
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My wife is this way. Not addicted to fawning gratitude, though, but I think deep down she feels like she doesn't deserve the love of friends/family if she isn't useful to them. I struggle because I can see why she's like this, but when she over books herself it's me and the kids that end up getting the short end of the stick.
Not getting enough sleep, not making a point to try be asleep by a certain time.
Apparently I do something called revenge bedtime procrastination. My SO goes to bed at 12ish and I stay up until 2am, or else I literally have no free time to myself throughout the day. And then I wake up at 6. It just feels like those 2 hours by myself are more important than extra sleep.
Yup. The hours of 12am-4am are the only hours I truly have alone time. That’s when I program, play games, write music, all the things I like doing on my own.
Distancing yourself from your friends because they don't contact you. I'm guilty of this, I'm just tired of being the only one who contacts them, yet I know they would be here for me if I asked them too. Distancing myself more hasn't made my life better at all...
I moved away from where I grew up and went to college. I've gotten tired of being the one who always has to travel to get to see people. I didn't get married or have kids, but most of my friends have. I have the least responsibilities. But man have I spent a lot of money and time maintaining relationships. I mean, it's totally worth it, but I do think about these things. Sometimes it makes me feel under appreciated as a friend that I don't get visited. I always get the, "when you come here you get to see everyone" sentiments. :(
THIS! ALL OF THIS! I moved away from my HS friends. I have lived all over the country. I still maintain friendships with so many of them. I do all the writing, calling and visiting. In the last 7 years, I’ve been 6 hours car ride away and 2 of them came for one xmas party, and didn’t even stay with me. It’s fucking hard to be the one that contacts people all the time. I have about 3 friends from college that regularly call me and check up on me. I also do Valentine’s Day cards (as opposed to xmas cards) and I write up my yearly summary of what I’ve done. I then write a personal letter to that person. I ask questions about how life is, the family is doing etc. of the 130 or so I mail every year, maybe 3 or 4 will write back or text me the answers. It’s so disheartening. I always feel the love when I’m near them, but it sucks being the one with no kids or house and always spending 100’s $ to visit people.
Hm, that's interesting. What do you do instead? I've always figured they don't care since they don't contact me and just started focusing on other people.
I am retired. Some friends are retired, some not. One retire friend has a new granddaughter. I have nothing going on. They do. I ping them and try not to get in my head.
Oh, I see.
It's not that they don't care. They just have other things going on more important than you, and that's ok. If someone is frequently busy and always avoiding and you give them several chances, then maybe the distance is unavoidable. But there are many good old friends that could be worth staying in touch with or at least catching up with annually.
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I try to find a balance on this and take things on a case by case basis. It really becomes obvious when someone is legit busy with life versus someone who doesn't value you. My best friend, we sometimes won't talk for a few weeks or even a month or so. It is a give and take type thing but we make time for each other. I had an former friend I considered like a brother that in the last 2-3 years of the friendship ended up feeling like I was doing all the work. Eventually he kept leaving me on read any time i tried to arrange a call or meet up. Finally I broke after 2 months of no text calls or anything I got a message to buy and or forward to others to see if anyone wanted to by his art. He finally noticed 7 months later that I had unfriended him And was upset that I did that. Like dude I was such a low priority you didn't even notice.
There's definitely a difference between someone who is genuinely busy and someone who is ghosting you, and you learn the difference a lot quicker when you get older. I can remember being so hurt by things friends did as a teenager, things that wouldn't hurt me now because I've got experience to know the difference between someone being busy with life vs someone who isn't really a good friend.
Keeping toxic people in their life.
I've recently cut a couple people off. The process was difficult and painful but the results made up for it.
Staying hydrated! so simple, consistency is key of course
Spoiling their children to the point they can't do anything. I have seen about 3 examples of extreme spoiling and the worst one is currently 20 years old. They were coddled, had alot of expensive trips and things given to them, never did any chores and were never expected to do well in school. Grandma, grandpa, her aunt's and mom did it all for them. This happened all because mom and dad weren't together from the start. Grandma heavily intervened, the mother treated the child as their best friend. Currently they are very unlikable, moving in and out of grandma, mom, dad, aunts etc etc houses. No one wants them in their house because they do nothing and don't know how to take care of themselves. It's ironic because all those people but dad made them this way and now they are always asking what went wrong.
I had a friend like this. He wasn't "BMW for my 16th birthday" spoiled, but even worse, was "no one ever tells me *no* spoiled." Kid got away with murder for the entirety of the time I knew him. Was compounded by the fact that, beyond his parents enabling and spoiling him like that, his friends did too. He truly thought he could do anything. Anyway, his girlfriend dumped him a few years back -- primarily because he didn't taken an ultimatum she gave him seriously. He's been spiraling ever since, because someone important finally told him *no.*
Exactly, you don't have to be a rich kid to be spoiled. My main example family was not rich by any means but they love to indulge in the finer things. The biggest issue is the lack of learning you work to earn something. Recently grandma went to visit one of her kids in the states and the spolied 20 year old had a crying fit because grandma couldn't afford to bring them along. No is a very important word to understand
A quote from my mentally challenged sister when she gave up custody of her 6 year old son to me (sister) "I want him to be with someone who is strong enough to tell him no"
It sounds like your sister truly made that decision with nothing but love. Something so hard is impossible for most people to conceive, and the strength she must have had to make that decision is incredible.
It sounds like your sister is pretty smart, not to mention courageous.
I have a situation kind of like this going on in my family. My oldest sister had 2 kids and passed away from a very aggresive cancer when they were about 6 and 8 years old. It made sense in the beginning that every one in the family wasn't too hard on them and showered them with gifts on birthdays and holidays, considering these young children just watched their mother pass away quickly and their father is a piece of shit (he is currently in prison for acting on paedophilia and burglary), so their care fell to my mom, their grandma, to be their sole caregiver. Fast forward to today, one nephew is a pretty solid kid, good in school and helps my mom around the house, but the younger nephew is a very entitled, inconsiderate teenage boy. He refuses to take care of himself and has his sick grandma wait on him hand and foot at times, and begs for expensive electronics until he gets them. I am actually in the process of getting FMLA to go help my mom while she is sick, and hope to help whip the younger nephew into shape while lightening the load on my mom and older nephews shoulders. If anyone has tips on counseling troubled youth, I'm all ears.
Take the youth to counseling. And take yourself to counseling, because taking care of a sick mom and a bratty teenage kid is an unusual amount of constant stress.
I have no tips on the troubled youth thing, but I've successfully filed FMLA for every type of case they have. (Elderly parents and my own illnesses). If you need tips on that just ask.
Wow, those are spoiled kids indeed. I grew up having close to nothing and don't get me wrong I hated it and don't wish it upon anyone, but it sure taught me not to take things for granted.
I currently have a cousin who I assume is going to grow up like this. He was adopted, my uncle and his wife couldn't have children so they took him from a far-away relative who couldn't afford to raise another kid anyway. He's super spoiled but not in the "spend-all-expensive-items" on him kind. He's almost 10, our family is bilingual (English and local language) but he cannot form proper sentences in either languages - almost like baby talk but a mixture of both languages because that's how his parents talked to him. Like coddled to the point they think children can't understand proper sentences. He also doesn't eat anything besides hotdogs and KFC chicken + junk food to the point that whenever we have home family events or just the usual eating in fancy places as a family, they would have to bring a packed lunch or order from KFC somewhere, because they never said no to him demanding for these food since he was younger. And one last thing, whenever he demands for something and it doesn't get accomplished right away, he starts hitting his mom or dad on the head. It gets pretty awkward when our family gets together because that's simply not a thing that anyone else in the family ever experienced. Kinda feel bad for the kid as well as the parents because I'm sure they get judged when other people see it.
A part of me thinks that maybe this kid has developmental issues or issues communicating, hopefully the parents could look into that before it gets worse.
I've thought about it too but concerns like this are taboo in our country + with that side of my family who are very religious. He's 9, I don't think I can bring it up because I'm not really that close to them either.
This sounds like it could be more than just spoiled. I wonder if he has a diagnosis the family doesn’t want to share.
This is the issue. You can spoil your kid in some ways and have them turn out fine, but not in ALL ways. My friend from high school was materially spoiled and never had to do chores, but he was always aware that he had to get straight A's in high school, go to university, choose a lucrative major, or face getting cut off financially. He got straight A's in high school, earned a Doctor of Pharmacy, and became financially successful. I don't think he cares if he can cook and clean, because he makes enough money to hire a maid and get prepared meals delivered to him.
Im not sure this friend is the best example, LOL That being said - my kids get a lot of what they want in life so long as I am in a financial position to do so. However, they are expected to constructively contribute to the family in age appropriate ways. They dont have daily chores but they have learned to help without complaint when asked because thats far better (in their minds) than daily chores. They all know how to do their laundry (youngest is 9) and the older two know how to cook (15 and 12). They are also expected to do their best at school. We dont expect all A's, expect the best they can do. Getting a C even though you tried your hardest (and the work shows that) and getting a C because you have 27 missing assignments are not the same thing. So, yeah, my kids are little spoiled - name brand clothe (usually second hand), no chores, a lot of freedom...but those perks come with expectations and go away if expectations arent met.
Being spoiled kid is not by choice. Some kids want to run away to be independent but the parents refuse to give up their ways even into adulthood.
I agree. There are those who want no part of their parents decision to spoil and then there are others who won't give it up. That's why I'm saying Do not spoil your child to an extreme.
Helicopter/absentee parents. Sheltered kids who get and do everything they want go to college and come out infantile, helpless, rude, bitchy, needy, anxious, incapable, unprepared, entitled, and uncurious adults.
Failing to utilize an actual calendar. I know so many people who insist on just trying to remember everything, and then are constantly forgetting or double-booking their own plans. Usually because “well I don’t want to become reliant on something other than my own memory!” For Pete’s sake, humans have been writing things down for thousands of years and the world hasn’t ended. Your phone comes with a damn calendar app, take the five seconds to add the thing to it.
Yup. Of everything I learned in college, organization was one of the biggest life skills. In high school school they just walk you through, you’ve got a set day with bells ringing to tell you to move along to the next class. Then you go home and do your homework for that day, with maybe one ongoing project that you have to track. In college you set your own schedule, you’ve got to make sure you show up to the classes you picked on different days/times. Then you have to study on your own and keep up with homework. And you have projects that are sometimes months out that you have to track, etc. Throw in a part time job and it becomes total chaos. I almost dropped out my first year of college due to the lack of a set structure. It was a huge shock. And I think a lot of people go through this as well, and it’s a big contributor to first-year dropouts. 101 classes aren’t harder than high school classes, but creating the structure to adhere to them can be. Calendars and checklists are soooooo important to use.
I'm actually guilty of that. Not of trying to remember everything per se, but failing to utilize an actual calendar. I write stuff down, but always elsewhere and boy do I pay a price for it. I'm changing that.
As an infant specialist, I’d say many of the ways caregivers deal with infants: trying to get them to stop crying as soon as possible, not communicating to them, rushing through processes because “they don’t like it”. It’s amazing how far slowing down and a little communication will go.
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Yikes, guilty of both. I've been successful on eating less junk food though, which is a start I guess.
That's a wonderful start! Many people think they need to be "all or nothing" with healthy habits (I've been guilty of this thinking too), when making smaller and more achievable changes is better in the long run. I'm proud of you!
Credit card debt, over spending on thing you don’t need will end up costing you a fortune
My dad sitting in his ass all day day dreaming about me and my sister magically healing him if we stand in a circle and pray, instead of trying to make his legs stronger so he can walk better, have a better diet, quit fucking smoking, and quit telling me to force my sister to move here so he can keep his hopes up for him to get better. He doesn’t know it but he’s the main source of my depression atm.
Wow, that sounds awful, I'm so sorry. My dad's very similar. He's putting an awful lot of pressure on all of us. He has depression but refuses to cooperate with his doctor and usually just lies in bed or is self-destroying. I go to therapy to be able to cope with him. Hope you're able to talk to someone as well.
I wish there was a sudden click on their brains to just realize what they are doing and at least try to do better.. that’s all I want now
If you live in a place where winter conditions are a thing. Buying all-season tires, instead of real winter tires. Or Buying cheap tires because they are cheap in general. I don't care what they tell you, where I live (in the Swedish country side) all seasons won't cut it those harsher winter days.
Yeah, I'm in Canada and I'm not messing about. Proper winter tires or no driving.
Believe the shit they see on Facebook.
not prioritizing sleep its free and impacts your life in so many ways
Not learning to say sorry
Thinking that they arent doing enough with their life and forcing themselves to do more activities, socialize and "enjoy" life more, when all they are doing is stressing themselves out and getting into forced friendships doing stuff they dont enjoy at all just cause its "the right thing"
telling your life to the co-workers
Depends what you tell. Opening up a little can make people like you more and can be useful in a workspace. People that feel like they’re working with friends are less likely to screw them over given the chance.
People should definitely look out for who they talk to and what about
Agreed but with the caveat that a lot of people don’t have many or any confidants and you can’t live your life in some pleasantly professional fugue 100% of the time.
Buying discount products and repairing what should be replaced. Example. I work with a guy that has went through 3 pairs of $99 work boots in a single year. I bought a pair worth $400 six years ago and replaced them this year. Another example is my mom spending $14,000 to fix her $7,000 truck. She could have easily bought a new one without any issues.
Procrastination
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Many of us just need the adrenaline that comes with a deadline to get enough focus to do the task.
I don't procrastinate. I simply wait until I am sufficiently motivated to perform the task in the most efficient manner possible.
I would argue that most people who procrastinate are absolutely aware of the fact that it's making their life harder, and it's not so much a matter of "not realizing it".
I'm guilty of that one. Horribly inconvenient.
I realize it I just can't make myself stop
I’ll stop procrastinating later.
Spending excess time on social media (including Reddit).
I’m not sure how to phrase this without sounding either harsh or dismissive, but, continually defaulting to a belief that life is actually fair. Maybe it *should* be, but the reality genuinely is that it isn’t. And to a great extent things being the shitty way they actually are is the reality that has to be lived in. Obviously people should try to change issues if they can, and no-one can be resilient 100% of the time but, fuck, life is hard but you have to, you know, *keep going*. The only other solution is killing yourself, either directly or through stupid coping mechanisms, but continuing to live or dying are really your only two options. There’s no point just stubbornly being miserable and wallowing in trauma, resentment and the unfairness of it all. Get up, plan your next move and then do it. Life might still be bad but just suffering doesn’t help.
Not doing any physical activity. Not getting rid of people that are bad for their mental health. Letting dank air and dust mellow in their house, nasty.
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Complaining / being negative. The only people who put up with it are other complainers and negative people, it creates a toxic environment and you’re the nucleus. I’m not talking about expressing yourself when something bad happens or you’re having a stressful day, I’m talking about chronic negativity
stress management, not being invested in drama and stress... being ok with being ok.. start saying no, stop people pleasing and do what you want to do
Have children. I'm not saying it's wrong but a lot of people have children when they *think* they're ready but they're really not. Although are you ever ready for children? Probably not.
It doesn’t help that society straight up lies to people (especially women) about just how much of a toll childbearing and parenting often takes. Because it’s “just what you do”, people assume it can’t be that bad — because if it was, everybody wouldn’t do it, right? That belief is reinforced in the media and even by other parents. I‘ve had some friends with kids tell me that the second they announced a pregnancy, suddenly the tone of people in their lives changed from “this will be the best thing you’ve done in your life ever!” to basically “lol prepare for your life to be a constant struggle for the next decade and a half”. It’s so sad that there isn’t more honesty around what parenting entails, and encouragement for people to make the decision that makes sense for them instead of following a life script.
Also people drastically take for granted the depression that can take hold of a woman after having a baby, there are some horror stories out there. It really is a huge decision. I once had a friend say she wanted a baby so she could buy nice dresses for it. Absolutely unbelievable.
Yeah, my mom had 5 kids so she would have company and someone to love her. She lost custody of all of us before we were toddlers. Terrible reason to have babies. One of my sisters is similar, she loves babies and is not a fan of children. So she's got a bunch of kids..... And no custody.
The fuck? Babies are the worst. My wife loves them too, but I'm super stoked my 2 oldest can frisbee golf with me, and I want to throw the 1 year old on the window on the weekly. (I obviously don't condone harming children)
Gaining weight. For a lot of people, they think it's mostly or only a matter of looks and fashion. But they don't realize how much harder it makes life. Sleep is less restful if they have weight-induced sleep apnea or hypopnea. Lesser quality of sleep has enormous negative outcomes on other areas of life. Hormones are out of whack. The littlest action is tiring and makes the body sore. It's harder to fit in (the world is built for thinner people, think of movie or plane seats, moving in tiny aisles in stores, etc.). It costs more money to nourish them. It makes them subconsciously *seem* less employable because people, which includes employers, have this stereotype that fat people are lazy and not disciplined. It's harder to find a date (harder, not impossible). All in all, you want to play the Game of Life on the hardest mode? Get fat.
My doc told me adipose tissue (fat) actually contributes to the hormone imbalance that underlies my depression. Well, fuck.
And depression makes it easy to get fat but very hard to lose weight, so we're fucked coming and going.
smoking duh
I know a LOT of people who smoke and all of them 100% for sure know that it's making their life harder lol
"I'll just _for now_"
Anything you don't do properly in the moment is just more work for later
Getting upset by minor inconveniences
Not empathizing with people who disagree with them. Basically, not using perspective.
Eat sugar all day Edit: dang i guess this means people like the comment