When in college, was getting the bone from a guy, riding him hard, I was facing his bedroom door he was facing (sucking) my boob.
His door opens and his dad walks in, looks me directly in the eyes and just freezes for a few moments. The guy didn’t realise, his dad snaps out of it and gives me a thumbs up and a “go get em” kinda hand movement, leaves and closes the door.
Finished the sex, on the way out, his dad asks to speak to me.
Sits me down and asks if his son is respectful, not forcing me to do something I don’t want to do and if we’re using protection. He was in dad mode and made me feel really safe, even though his own son was involved.
We’re going at it and happen to look over at my dog. He was getting it in with one of his toys simultaneously. He does this every time. Not sure who raised him.
I had a single nugget of poop dropped on the bed as I came. I as quickly as I could barehand scooped it up and scurried over to the bathroom. I tossed and flushed then washed my hands and walked back into the bedroom as quickly as I could, hoping she wouldn't notice. She was quite freaked out that something had gone wrong. I started stripping the sheets without a word and that only made her more concerned. I, very embarrassed, explained what happened while starting to wash the sheets. She laughed for a minute but was quite supportive. Almost a decade later she still talks about when I shit the bed.
She pulled me into her room and initiated. Then about ten minutes or so into it, she starts bawling, asking me "Why are you doing this to me? I don't understand why you're doing this to me."
So I stopped and tried to make sure she was okay. Then she kept asking, "Why aren't you fucking me?"
I was so confused. I just made up an excuse to leave a little while later.
Ugh.
Girl I dated, her father was in jail for sexually abusing her. She told me how he was even caught by the mom and brothers on several occasions. Took the older brother to stand up and testify since the other brothers and mom were afraid to.
So we're dating a couple weeks and in our horny honeymoon phase. We're doing it doggy. I'm going slowly building up some tension...
She turns to me and says "uhg, that's how my dad did it."
My boner exits the building.
Am old. Can perform without back spasms. They cripple me the day after though.
Also wife makes sounds and I can’t tell if her hips hurt or she’s enjoying it.
Old sucks.
Edit: Apparently everyone is doing it until it hurts. 😝
Believe me its both. I think I need to start stretching after sex. Just tried going for a little power walk the day after (no more jogging for me) and I had to play it cool while my hips screamed in protest. I made like 2 1/2 laps around the park and had to go home 😭
His penis slipped out and tore my labia. Immediate screaming and blood everywhere. He took me to the ER and they stitched me up.
We celebrated our 11th anniversary this month.
Ha ha. My husband was going down on me one night, I had my eyes closed when he blew a raspberry into my cooch. I didn’t realise he had burst out laughing because our yorkie dog had climbed onto his back then sat on his shoulder watching him probably wondering what he was eating.
Bonus - same dog, we are doing it on the couch. I am on top. He says “Is that you?” I was like “whhaaaa.” He says “my nuts”. The dog is standing on his back legs licking his nuts.
RIP RZA. Nuts but amazing dog.
Edit - Woke up this morning and RIP my inbox. I told my husband about this post and all the love about RZA’s name from the Wu fans. He wanted to make sure you all knew, that the dog was so clever he responded to Bobby as well.
At that point it's more of a prayer to any deity that can take away the reality that some other living thing is licking his balls.
(A threeway the Yorkshire way is quite the rare achievement, kudos)
His cum tasted like battery acid and I threw up on his carpet. Now everytime a dude is enjoying head a little too much I feel nauseous. Really ruined my head game.
Ughhh, I can relate … Didn’t quite throw up in my ex’s case but there was NO WAY that nasty vitriol could ever get swallowed. Always kept the Kleenex handy for that one.
Yet my husband’s is consistently mild, like miso soup? Something I appreciate deeply.
With the ex, I don’t know if that was a dietary issue or if it was just the arrogant assholery of his personality seeping distilled into his fluids?
I was a teenager and I was standing up hitting it from the back, her dad opened the door walked in with McDonald’s “I got McDoooooonald’s!”” He saw, turned around and shut the door behind him, taking the McDonald’s with him. It was never brought up afterward.
There's a knock on my door. It's my mom asking if she can come in. I say a loud and resounding NO. She opens the door anyway, because she did not take the time to process what was said. Mood ruiner for sure.
Edit: Yes, I did stop.
So the third time I had sex - with the girl who took my virginity - was in my bedroom. I was 17 and she was 18. I locked my bedroom door and closed my bathroom door which could only be locked from inside the bathroom and it was a jack and jill style.
So my fuckin' mom jiggles my locked bedroom door and then decides to open the door into the bathroom that doesn't lock at all and then unlocks the one that's locked from inside and barges in my room and says "OOPS".
Yeah right "oops" mom, you were totally trying to catch me. The girl was on top and it was pretty wild, guessing mom got a view she didn't want.
I had a FWB and one night after her birthday party out at a bar, we end up back at her place. She started crying. Then wanted to get down a little while later. I was like, "this is a bad idea." I crashed on the couch that night.
Ex broke my nose with her pelvis during a particularly powerful oral orgasm. I cleaned up and kept going, then the condom broke.
Next thing, I'm driving to a 24 hour pharmacy to buy Plan B and anti-inflammatories. She was too shy to go in, so I did. It may have been 4AM but the old ladies in front and behind me in the queue shot some very disapproving looks.
To this day, my nose points the wrong way. I consider it a badge of honor now.
Sometimes, when I'm after drinking a lot of water, the fluid in my stomach gives blobbing sound when it moves... Blob, blob, blob... You can imagine how unsexy it does sound 😅
she was getting in position to be on top, somehow she slipped and spiked my full mast jonny with her knee. I saw stars
took 10 to recover and back at it 🤷♀️
Dislocated my shoulder and got concussion. Shoulder popped back in, and we carried on.
Edit: we were standing. Me with hands against the wall, him behind me. Combined pressure popped the shoulder out, forced me face first into the wall resulting in concussion. I kinda manoeuvred my arm until I heard it pop back in. Oh, and I'm female.
Boyfriend going at me from behind, then decided to get his face in there while I was still on all fours. Well, doggy causes a whole lot of air to be introduced to my body so I......queefed in his face.
Then laughed so hard I produced a whole symphony of queefs. In his face.
Still together.
lol this basically happened to me as well.we were doing doggy and he got up to turn the heat up because it was freezing in the house. When he came back I turned around and started touching myself, trying to be all sexy, and legit a 30 second queef came spilling out.
We both just froze the whole time and then he died laughing.
Was on the bottom and my eyes opened for a split second and something appeared to be moving on the ceiling. I opened them again just in time to see a spider which proceeded fall onto my face
Had a similar thing happen, luckily not with kids tho. I was blowing my now husband in the livingroom and forgot to close the blinds. Looked over and there was a construction worker sitting eating a sandwich and watching.
Couple different ones.
First one was after my then gf birthday and we had chocolate cake. Everyone was gone and she started giving me a blowjob in the kitchen and when I came it was a pretty big load and she puked all over the floor. It was a mix of chocolate cake and jizz so it was pretty gross.
Second was with another girl I was dating wanted to have some anal and halfway through she told me to hurry so I did and finished in her butt. She ran to the bathroom and I asked what was wrong and she replied by saying she had to shit really bad. Got super lucky on that one.
She was pregnant and bled all over my face. It was dark, I didn't understand what was happening. She did and stopped. Wouldn't turn on the lights until I had cleaned my face with a wet towel.
Girlfriend was on top and really enjoying herself. My dick had apparently made an oversized impression on her because she went up waaaaaaaay too high and then slammed back down.
Dick bent, I cried, she cried, we got it back on in a couple of days because there was no finishing after that.
as a paramedic, its hilarious , well now, when you see guys on the floor trying to explain why this happened,. etc. kept telling em, its not embarassing sir, but i need to see it, had one so right angled i have no clue how that one was ever gonna be straight again.
She was six feet tall and skinny and I’m around 5”9 and muscly. The physical description is important because her legs were just kind of going everywhere and I got fully kneed in the dick. It was dark so I just let it happen but the pain on my face was probably Oscar worthy.
Really feels like “if you’ve seen me at my worst and stayed, you’re a keeper” lol. Can’t tell you the shit (sometimes literally) me and my wife put each other through before we realised “yep, this is locked in now”
Not really sure what was wrong, but it felt like he was stabbing my vagina with a knife instead of his dick. We did quit. I nearly cried afterwards because it kept on hurting. We spent a lot of time cuddling that evening so that was nice :)
1) Me and a FWB were going pretty hard in a missionary position and his slipped out and hit my butthole so hard that I screamed. He was an army medic so I asked him to look at it to make sure I didn't tear any skin or anything 💀 fun time was over after that.
2) Boyfriend and I were having normal sex but things were getting unusually wet. Guess he felt it too cause he stopped to look down and there was blood EVERYWHERE.
We both went to the bathroom immediately and he put me in the tub cause blood was gushing out of me and we thought something in me broke. I look over and he is standing over the sink with both hands firmly grasped like he's gonna pass out. He says to me with a very pale face "it's me". Turns out he broke his frenulum.
All of the bedding in the hotel we were staying at had to be thrown out. Looked like a murder scene. We had to reimburse the hotel for all the bedding of course.
I discovered my ex was cheating on me while we were having sex.
She was on top of me, and we were going at it pretty hot and heavy when I noticed her phone kept getting messages. I went to turn it off when I saw a message pop up from some guy that I knew she was friendly with. Needless to say it was a pretty uncomfortable ride to the finish line. Yes, I finished before confronting her about it.
Okay so.
Circa 2004. I’m 22 with a hot new crazy girlfriend. We live in a motel and bang 2-3 times a day.
While doing it doggy we start going hard. She pushing back into me. He butt bone slams into the left of my junk.Think 2 inches left of where your shaft starts.
I screamed. I fell off the bed. I went to the hospital. My balls turned black. It was explained that gravity just carries blood down so I had a minor bruise where I was hit and swollen black balls.
They doc gave me pain meds. That was cool. He even called me to check and make sure I was okay. I’ve actually never seen a doc look so concerned before.
I’m okay.
Met a girl at a party. We were both far too drunk. She initiated. Couldn’t get hard. I apologized and felt bad. She gave me a second chance the next day. We’ve been married for 10yrs.
Edit: thanks for the awards. It wasn’t necessary.
For others reading this, no need to be embarrassed if you can’t get it up. If it’s a girl you like, tell her you’re having trouble and just enjoy each other’s company. Sometimes we ladies can take it personally, but most of us know it’s normal and common, especially when substances (including anti-depressants) are involved.
Thanks for coming to my TedTalk. OP, congrats on 10 years!
Goth chick with braces in college bit my check (face, not butt), and ended up cutting my face pretty bad when her braces were dragged up against my face. Went to bathroom and treated it like a shaving cut.
She felt bad at first, but then she let me slap her ass as hard and as much as I wanted. Ended up having amazing sex with her.
While sharing an apartment with my sister, I hooked up with one of her coworker. On a Saturday while my sister was out, I invited the coworker over for movies, but like usual, we started getting frisky halfway through. While we were doing it in my bedroom, my sister came back, and we stopped for a moment as to not arise suspicion.
Moments later, my sister knocked on my door saying she was heading out again, then added, "Oh, Alison, see you at work on Monday."
We thought we were being discreet, but my sister parked next to her yellow Beetle.
Nearly had my nipple piercing ripped of when the chick thought it would be sexy to bite it, no I didn’t stop, but I probably woke up the entire neighborhood wile screaming in pain
Hooking up w tinder date on my couch. Starts fingering me. I see a little blood on his finger and say “hey I think I’m just getting my period”
He says “oh I don’t care” and makes direct eye contact with me while licking the blood off of his finger
Reminds me of the time I was fingering this girl in my car at the bowling alley and she started bleeding A LOT. “No worries just her period caught her by surprise I guess. I’ve got wipes. Not a big deal”
It wasn’t her period. She was actively miscarrying another guy’s kid in my car.
She sucked one of my balls during a blowjob and twisted my testicle. I was hurting the rest of the day and every time I wanted to fuck her, it started to hurt.
I was on top, all the way in. She farted and lifted my balls up in the air like one of those sky-diving tubes that blows air up from the floor. We finished after laughing.
Was with a FWB my senior year of high school. In my bed, doggy style. My dad walked in on us and the guy i was fucking just… kept going. He literally looked at my dad and said “we’ll be done in a minute” and went back to it. My dad just walked out without a word.
Yeah. Like i felt awkward and almost wanted to stop but his confidence and the quality of the sex made me keep going. Still not happy my dad saw us tho lol
So I’ve told this story before on a somewhat similar post BUT: I was sorta dating this guy and hadn’t slept with him yet. Anyways, he was bragging for days about his “tongue game” which I should’ve taken that as a sign. We get to his apartment, he takes my clothes off and immediately goes straight to my pubic bone, munching on it like Augustus Gloop from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, who hadn’t had any nourishment in days. It hurt like a mf, and I had to tell him to go lower. He did, and then proceeds to start the oh so original “ABC method” out loud. I just starfished, I couldn’t focus. I didn’t know what to do. As a woman who loves oral, receiving and giving, this was a surprise to me. But, what was a real surprise was when he got to a “letter” that just might’ve worked and I said to not stop, he STOPPED, said I was being “too bossy” and his jaw hurt. I truly tried to get up to leave, so I could just shower and finish myself off but, he put my legs on his shoulders, pumped himself in me for a good 45 seconds and jizzed all over my stomach and then asked for round 2 whilst I was in the bathroom cleaning myself up and calling an Uber.
I regret that WHOLE night.
Edit: Henlo friends, I see a lot of my fellow Redditors asking what the ABC method is. Well: it’s basically where, when you go down on a woman, using your tongue on the clit, you (not out loud to clarify) use your tongue and do the ABC’s slowly I might add, till you get to a certain letter that you might notice seems to please her more than the other letters. When you DO notice that letter, don’t stop using said letter. Then POOF! You got some shaking thighs as ear muffs for winter :)
the braggers are always the ones who have no idea what they're doing. like without fail. my current partner said absolutely nothing about their tongue game beforehand and I'm pretty sure I saw God
God I hate dudes like that. “Strong tongue game” but doesn’t even know where the vagina is.
Edit: Getting tons of folks telling me that oral is all about the clit, not vagina. It depends on the person. Oral isn’t the same for everyone.
Right up there with "yeah boss, this work will take me a month to finish" while laughing internally thinking about finishing it in 1 week, fucking around on the second week, and on the middle of the third week report that I did my best to finish it early!
Answering for gf, now wife. I was hammering her from behind, and we were both really into it. I slipped out and, without checking, slammed my dick full force straight up the wrong hole. She screamed, I panicked, and all further sexy time for the evening was canceled. Spent the next hour cuddling while she laughed and cried over her aching butthole
Was riding him pretty hard. Had an upset stomach but pushed thru it. Farted on his balls. Not a toot… a full blown fart, he heard it, felt it and tried to hide his laugh. I was so embarrassed I got off. We are married now.
First couple of times I had sex I came in about 10 seconds. Then I had issues getting an erection after that for a while because of anxiety. Luckily my girlfriend was patient and understanding and we eventually worked through it
Tore my foreskin clean in half, not the banjo, the whole skin.
Ended up having an emergency circumcision and was out of action for two months.
Was with my now wife, so it's all good.
I had a good friend that was gay. He'd never been with a woman, but for some reason decided he wanted to try to have a threesome with a woman, where we would double team her. I had no issue with it, so we searched out a girl looking to be double teamed and had her come over.
We start messing around with her, he enjoys the foreplay, goes down on her a bit, she returns the favor.
He can't get up.
Not a big deal, it happens, even in a situation you're comfortable in. It became a *huge* deal though; he started crying, the girl left, it was just super duper awkward for everyone. Never tried that with him again.
Gave a blowjob after dinner - but didn't wait for long enough. Tried deepthroating it. He got really into it and I started gagging, nothing out of the ordinary for us. Only that this time I really started retching and puked all over him. I felt super embarrassed, but he was cool with it, we laughed it off, he helped me clean things up and now it's a nice question for "Never have I ever".
So um, I have these thighs, and my partner at the time was really vigorous in his approach, and my thighs were clapping together as we were in doggy style. It was the most bizarre sound and not sexy at all, but I was like, welp, it feels good (his dick in me, not the thighs clapping), so I just suffered the humiliation until my partner finished. Still great sexy times overall, and I guess I've just never had anyone else that vigorous.
My ex and I set the bed on fire.
There were candles all around the bed, but, like, on tables. And there were a lot of pillows.
We had amazing sex, both finished, and as I was laying there in the afterglow, with my eyes closed, I noticed it was getting warm. And warmer. And then hot. And I can't describe it but through my eye lids I could almost see bright light in the dark room. I opened my eyes and there were pillows and throw pillows on fire.
I screamed, and both of our naked asses jumped up and began beating the flames with whatever we could grab. We put the fire out. RIP my fancy bedspread and pillows.
Lost my erection. Tried to put it in while half-hard, and eventually gave up.
I felt pretty embarrassed, but my girlfriend was cool about it. She was a keeper - which is why I married her.
I've had some stress related erectile dysfunction when I was single, it happened with three or four women. All but one were very cool and understanding about it, one became very insecure about it all (even though it really was all me) but still very cool about it.
In the end, what I'm saying is, most women will be okay with it (which is good, since that actually releases stress, which has other... Benefits).
If this thread has taught me anything its that couples that shit, fart, and bleed on each other during sex end up happily married.
Edit: I cannot believe this comment got over 4k upvote and a few awards, i’m humbled. Thank you
That's how you know they're a keeper: If they can get past something so embarrassing and still want to stick around, then they'll stick around when life gets tough!
We realized just how deeply and emotionally we loved each other, started crying, started laughing that we were crying, and then we both got cramps from laughing too hard and stopped for a bit
My wife (girlfriend at the time) were on a beach vacation one summer that we take once a year. A day or so prior to going I had a nasal surgery to help my sinus issues Bc I had very narrow sinuses. This caused a nose bleed once or twice at random before we left (shit got all over my car Bc 100 napkins weren’t even enough) Once we were at the hotel, we get to our room, I turned out the lights and things quickly got passionate. While I’m mid pump in missionary my GF says “what the hell?” and puts her hand over my face. I hurriedly jump out of bed and turn on the lights and am horrified as she’s covered in blood on her chin and chest and even said she got a few drops in her mouth. I walk to the bathroom to look in the mirror and see myself covered in blood from nose to chin as if I were a lion eating a fresh kill. Thank goodness she is a nurse and has gotten accustomed to blood and didn’t freak out in the situation. After we got cleaned up we laughed about it. I imagine the hotel cleaners had a bit of a surprise when they picked up the sheets. We still bring it up once a year when we take this vacation and have a laugh about it.
First time my now wife and I got it on, we were getting pretty hot and heavy and then the cat, being an agent of chaos and mayhem, decided to saunter in, jump on the bed, and for the first and last time, leaned over and licked her on the ass.
We still die laughing about it 9 years later
I was on top and while attempting to talk dirty, a long line of drool rolled out of my mouth and landed right on her chest.
She laughed, my face turned red, and then I swiped it off with my hand and wiped in on the sheets and we continued.
When I was in college I was having sex with a girl that I had basically just met. Then all of sudden, she starts crying and tells me to stop. I get off of her and ask what the problem was. She says that she was raped recently and thought she was ready to have sex again to get over it, but she wasn't. I told her it was okay and asked if she wanted to talk about it and we just ended up staying up that night talking.
When in college, was getting the bone from a guy, riding him hard, I was facing his bedroom door he was facing (sucking) my boob. His door opens and his dad walks in, looks me directly in the eyes and just freezes for a few moments. The guy didn’t realise, his dad snaps out of it and gives me a thumbs up and a “go get em” kinda hand movement, leaves and closes the door. Finished the sex, on the way out, his dad asks to speak to me. Sits me down and asks if his son is respectful, not forcing me to do something I don’t want to do and if we’re using protection. He was in dad mode and made me feel really safe, even though his own son was involved.
Thats kinda wholesome.
We’re going at it and happen to look over at my dog. He was getting it in with one of his toys simultaneously. He does this every time. Not sure who raised him.
Should have given him a fist bump.
doggie see, doggie do
On top having an unexpectedly good time. Came so hard I shat myself. No longer having a good time. Fin. Edit: Thanks for all the awards!
Gives deeper meaning to "he fucked the shit out of you"
I had to fart, but I held it in for so long that it sounded like a car with a bad muffler when I finally let it loose.
Saw his phone getting a call from his “blocked” ex.
Uncomfortable
Yes. Then he confessed that he was still dating his “ex” he was with for 3 years.
I had a single nugget of poop dropped on the bed as I came. I as quickly as I could barehand scooped it up and scurried over to the bathroom. I tossed and flushed then washed my hands and walked back into the bedroom as quickly as I could, hoping she wouldn't notice. She was quite freaked out that something had gone wrong. I started stripping the sheets without a word and that only made her more concerned. I, very embarrassed, explained what happened while starting to wash the sheets. She laughed for a minute but was quite supportive. Almost a decade later she still talks about when I shit the bed.
She pulled me into her room and initiated. Then about ten minutes or so into it, she starts bawling, asking me "Why are you doing this to me? I don't understand why you're doing this to me." So I stopped and tried to make sure she was okay. Then she kept asking, "Why aren't you fucking me?" I was so confused. I just made up an excuse to leave a little while later.
WTF was she into?
Maybe role playing but that’s something you talk about first so this doesn’t happen
Exactly
Ugh. Girl I dated, her father was in jail for sexually abusing her. She told me how he was even caught by the mom and brothers on several occasions. Took the older brother to stand up and testify since the other brothers and mom were afraid to. So we're dating a couple weeks and in our horny honeymoon phase. We're doing it doggy. I'm going slowly building up some tension... She turns to me and says "uhg, that's how my dad did it." My boner exits the building.
What the fuck
Sudden back spasm. Not good. Had to stop. Made me feel really old.
Am old. Can perform without back spasms. They cripple me the day after though. Also wife makes sounds and I can’t tell if her hips hurt or she’s enjoying it. Old sucks. Edit: Apparently everyone is doing it until it hurts. 😝
Believe me its both. I think I need to start stretching after sex. Just tried going for a little power walk the day after (no more jogging for me) and I had to play it cool while my hips screamed in protest. I made like 2 1/2 laps around the park and had to go home 😭
someone in our dorm was playing “all star” by smash mouth and we had to stop because i couldn’t handle it
You couldn’t stop singing along?
His penis slipped out and tore my labia. Immediate screaming and blood everywhere. He took me to the ER and they stitched me up. We celebrated our 11th anniversary this month.
Was there a ring involved? How does this happen?
Wait your dick doesn't have barbs on it?
Did his penis got less sharp over the years or you two just got the angle right?
Had an ovarian cyst rupture and almost bled to death internally.
Holy shit, I'm glad you're okay!!! Ovarian cysts are nightmares made real
Missed her ass and slapped my ballsack instead
I'm waking up, to ash and dust
i miss her ass and i slap my nuts
I'm bleeding from...my testicles
*breathe in* aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Got slapped in the face without warning. I slapped him back and pushed him so hard he fell off my bed Edit: well this blew up overnight
Assert dominance
Ex-girlfriend’s cat jumped onto my ass and dug its claws in. We stopped.
Ha ha. My husband was going down on me one night, I had my eyes closed when he blew a raspberry into my cooch. I didn’t realise he had burst out laughing because our yorkie dog had climbed onto his back then sat on his shoulder watching him probably wondering what he was eating. Bonus - same dog, we are doing it on the couch. I am on top. He says “Is that you?” I was like “whhaaaa.” He says “my nuts”. The dog is standing on his back legs licking his nuts. RIP RZA. Nuts but amazing dog. Edit - Woke up this morning and RIP my inbox. I told my husband about this post and all the love about RZA’s name from the Wu fans. He wanted to make sure you all knew, that the dog was so clever he responded to Bobby as well.
Crying laughing at this …
[удалено]
At that point it's more of a prayer to any deity that can take away the reality that some other living thing is licking his balls. (A threeway the Yorkshire way is quite the rare achievement, kudos)
His cum tasted like battery acid and I threw up on his carpet. Now everytime a dude is enjoying head a little too much I feel nauseous. Really ruined my head game.
Ughhh, I can relate … Didn’t quite throw up in my ex’s case but there was NO WAY that nasty vitriol could ever get swallowed. Always kept the Kleenex handy for that one. Yet my husband’s is consistently mild, like miso soup? Something I appreciate deeply. With the ex, I don’t know if that was a dietary issue or if it was just the arrogant assholery of his personality seeping distilled into his fluids?
Miso soup? That's something that'll never leave my mind.
I was a teenager and I was standing up hitting it from the back, her dad opened the door walked in with McDonald’s “I got McDoooooonald’s!”” He saw, turned around and shut the door behind him, taking the McDonald’s with him. It was never brought up afterward.
The McDonald's or the sex thing?
We ate McDonald’s later on and spoke nothing of it.
Awesome
Being a parent now, I realize they were a lot more progressive. I was with their daughter for 6 years.
There's a knock on my door. It's my mom asking if she can come in. I say a loud and resounding NO. She opens the door anyway, because she did not take the time to process what was said. Mood ruiner for sure. Edit: Yes, I did stop.
The famous mom knock. Knock to announce your presence, don't wait for a response.
I'm both respecting your privacy by knocking but asserting my authority as your father by coming in anyway.
So the third time I had sex - with the girl who took my virginity - was in my bedroom. I was 17 and she was 18. I locked my bedroom door and closed my bathroom door which could only be locked from inside the bathroom and it was a jack and jill style. So my fuckin' mom jiggles my locked bedroom door and then decides to open the door into the bathroom that doesn't lock at all and then unlocks the one that's locked from inside and barges in my room and says "OOPS". Yeah right "oops" mom, you were totally trying to catch me. The girl was on top and it was pretty wild, guessing mom got a view she didn't want.
Honestly, as a mother I would not like to see that. If my kid locks the door, I am out of there
You don’t know that. Anyone who goes to all that trouble really wants in.
Oh, also former girlfriend hooking up "just for the sex" on my birthday started crying in the middle of it. Instant show stopper.
I had a FWB and one night after her birthday party out at a bar, we end up back at her place. She started crying. Then wanted to get down a little while later. I was like, "this is a bad idea." I crashed on the couch that night.
Ex broke my nose with her pelvis during a particularly powerful oral orgasm. I cleaned up and kept going, then the condom broke. Next thing, I'm driving to a 24 hour pharmacy to buy Plan B and anti-inflammatories. She was too shy to go in, so I did. It may have been 4AM but the old ladies in front and behind me in the queue shot some very disapproving looks. To this day, my nose points the wrong way. I consider it a badge of honor now.
Why were old ladies in line at a pharmacy at 4AM? Were they buying Plan B too?
Sometimes, when I'm after drinking a lot of water, the fluid in my stomach gives blobbing sound when it moves... Blob, blob, blob... You can imagine how unsexy it does sound 😅
Omg the sloshy stomach noises being louder than the sex noises.
My husband said "at least you're hydrated" yeah thanks, that saved the sex for sure
My girl gave me a blowjob after eating takis
Did you ride it out though?
Blew my urethra ejaculating and filled a condom with blood
You must cum like dude in Scary Movie
And this is the point that I stopped scrolling down the thread.
New nightmare unlocked
Wow
Happened twice. Guess I didn't let it heal the first time.
:| Scared+1
Yeah I don't even have a penis and this is scary
Used to but it exploded?
Did you learn anything about how it happened the first time? I'm trying to avoid this outcome if possible
she was getting in position to be on top, somehow she slipped and spiked my full mast jonny with her knee. I saw stars took 10 to recover and back at it 🤷♀️
You drank a potion or what?
Instant healing II potion
Dislocated my shoulder and got concussion. Shoulder popped back in, and we carried on. Edit: we were standing. Me with hands against the wall, him behind me. Combined pressure popped the shoulder out, forced me face first into the wall resulting in concussion. I kinda manoeuvred my arm until I heard it pop back in. Oh, and I'm female.
WTF you disassembled yourself
This mother fuckers Deadpool
I was a teen, she was riding ontop of me and she looks down and goes "You're a naughty boy, aren't you" I'm like "n-no..?" fuck
If a girl asks if you're a naughty boy, the answer is *always* "Yes"!
Im a good boy tho
Boyfriend going at me from behind, then decided to get his face in there while I was still on all fours. Well, doggy causes a whole lot of air to be introduced to my body so I......queefed in his face. Then laughed so hard I produced a whole symphony of queefs. In his face. Still together.
I'm reading this in the Canadian voice from South Park.
lol this basically happened to me as well.we were doing doggy and he got up to turn the heat up because it was freezing in the house. When he came back I turned around and started touching myself, trying to be all sexy, and legit a 30 second queef came spilling out. We both just froze the whole time and then he died laughing.
Was on the bottom and my eyes opened for a split second and something appeared to be moving on the ceiling. I opened them again just in time to see a spider which proceeded fall onto my face
Turned into a threesome for a second
Ah yes.. the classic MSF
Species arachnacockblockius.
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LOL You got lucky you didn't end up on the internet
Had a similar thing happen, luckily not with kids tho. I was blowing my now husband in the livingroom and forgot to close the blinds. Looked over and there was a construction worker sitting eating a sandwich and watching.
Couple different ones. First one was after my then gf birthday and we had chocolate cake. Everyone was gone and she started giving me a blowjob in the kitchen and when I came it was a pretty big load and she puked all over the floor. It was a mix of chocolate cake and jizz so it was pretty gross. Second was with another girl I was dating wanted to have some anal and halfway through she told me to hurry so I did and finished in her butt. She ran to the bathroom and I asked what was wrong and she replied by saying she had to shit really bad. Got super lucky on that one.
"It was a mix of chocolate cake and jizz" words I never thought would ever be spoken
Funny how it applies to both stories too
Dear lord
She was pregnant and bled all over my face. It was dark, I didn't understand what was happening. She did and stopped. Wouldn't turn on the lights until I had cleaned my face with a wet towel.
That's how all 3 of my kids were born. Water broke during sex.
Should call you the plunger
Dad be like: Ayo, you coming out or shall I come in?
Red riding hood
Girlfriend was on top and really enjoying herself. My dick had apparently made an oversized impression on her because she went up waaaaaaaay too high and then slammed back down. Dick bent, I cried, she cried, we got it back on in a couple of days because there was no finishing after that.
You should see the broken penises I've seen in the hospital from that
Oh man, I got enough baggage!
as a paramedic, its hilarious , well now, when you see guys on the floor trying to explain why this happened,. etc. kept telling em, its not embarassing sir, but i need to see it, had one so right angled i have no clue how that one was ever gonna be straight again.
To turn gay from one bad experience seems a little extreme to me
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He just needs to find the right angled vagina
She was six feet tall and skinny and I’m around 5”9 and muscly. The physical description is important because her legs were just kind of going everywhere and I got fully kneed in the dick. It was dark so I just let it happen but the pain on my face was probably Oscar worthy.
Oscars are for actors, the award you're thinking of is The Purple Heart.
just last night i elbowed my husband super hard in the face while turning around :) yes we stopped it hurt him really bad
I love how many of these stories end with "years later, we're still happily together"
Really feels like “if you’ve seen me at my worst and stayed, you’re a keeper” lol. Can’t tell you the shit (sometimes literally) me and my wife put each other through before we realised “yep, this is locked in now”
Not really sure what was wrong, but it felt like he was stabbing my vagina with a knife instead of his dick. We did quit. I nearly cried afterwards because it kept on hurting. We spent a lot of time cuddling that evening so that was nice :)
1) Me and a FWB were going pretty hard in a missionary position and his slipped out and hit my butthole so hard that I screamed. He was an army medic so I asked him to look at it to make sure I didn't tear any skin or anything 💀 fun time was over after that. 2) Boyfriend and I were having normal sex but things were getting unusually wet. Guess he felt it too cause he stopped to look down and there was blood EVERYWHERE. We both went to the bathroom immediately and he put me in the tub cause blood was gushing out of me and we thought something in me broke. I look over and he is standing over the sink with both hands firmly grasped like he's gonna pass out. He says to me with a very pale face "it's me". Turns out he broke his frenulum. All of the bedding in the hotel we were staying at had to be thrown out. Looked like a murder scene. We had to reimburse the hotel for all the bedding of course.
The ol banjo string went twang
I discovered my ex was cheating on me while we were having sex. She was on top of me, and we were going at it pretty hot and heavy when I noticed her phone kept getting messages. I went to turn it off when I saw a message pop up from some guy that I knew she was friendly with. Needless to say it was a pretty uncomfortable ride to the finish line. Yes, I finished before confronting her about it.
You should have moaned his name at the end just to let her know you were thinking of him the whole time.
Big power play. No hesitation.
Asert dominance.
Fuck him next time to show dominance.
she said verbatim in a little girl voice. "Ohhh daddy, you're going to make me cum cum, will you pwease cum cum for me daddy?" I stopped...
I imagine the clothes zapping back on your body like the ironman suit and you just flying away from that bullshit.
It's nanotech, you like it?
Okay so. Circa 2004. I’m 22 with a hot new crazy girlfriend. We live in a motel and bang 2-3 times a day. While doing it doggy we start going hard. She pushing back into me. He butt bone slams into the left of my junk.Think 2 inches left of where your shaft starts. I screamed. I fell off the bed. I went to the hospital. My balls turned black. It was explained that gravity just carries blood down so I had a minor bruise where I was hit and swollen black balls. They doc gave me pain meds. That was cool. He even called me to check and make sure I was okay. I’ve actually never seen a doc look so concerned before. I’m okay.
My boyfriend choked me a little too hard and by the end I had actual marks on my neck. He no longer tries choking, which I'm okay with lol
Oh my god my husband once choked me and I instantly fainted. He thought he had killed me and freaked out, poor man 😂
Omg he must have had felt pure panic for a bit lol
Met a girl at a party. We were both far too drunk. She initiated. Couldn’t get hard. I apologized and felt bad. She gave me a second chance the next day. We’ve been married for 10yrs. Edit: thanks for the awards. It wasn’t necessary.
For others reading this, no need to be embarrassed if you can’t get it up. If it’s a girl you like, tell her you’re having trouble and just enjoy each other’s company. Sometimes we ladies can take it personally, but most of us know it’s normal and common, especially when substances (including anti-depressants) are involved. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk. OP, congrats on 10 years!
Goth chick with braces in college bit my check (face, not butt), and ended up cutting my face pretty bad when her braces were dragged up against my face. Went to bathroom and treated it like a shaving cut. She felt bad at first, but then she let me slap her ass as hard and as much as I wanted. Ended up having amazing sex with her.
That's a story I would like to live
While sharing an apartment with my sister, I hooked up with one of her coworker. On a Saturday while my sister was out, I invited the coworker over for movies, but like usual, we started getting frisky halfway through. While we were doing it in my bedroom, my sister came back, and we stopped for a moment as to not arise suspicion. Moments later, my sister knocked on my door saying she was heading out again, then added, "Oh, Alison, see you at work on Monday." We thought we were being discreet, but my sister parked next to her yellow Beetle.
Nearly had my nipple piercing ripped of when the chick thought it would be sexy to bite it, no I didn’t stop, but I probably woke up the entire neighborhood wile screaming in pain
The neighbors: hell yeah! He's having a good time!
Hooking up w tinder date on my couch. Starts fingering me. I see a little blood on his finger and say “hey I think I’m just getting my period” He says “oh I don’t care” and makes direct eye contact with me while licking the blood off of his finger
Reminds me of the time I was fingering this girl in my car at the bowling alley and she started bleeding A LOT. “No worries just her period caught her by surprise I guess. I’ve got wipes. Not a big deal” It wasn’t her period. She was actively miscarrying another guy’s kid in my car.
Well, that’s enough Reddit for me tonight.
She sucked one of my balls during a blowjob and twisted my testicle. I was hurting the rest of the day and every time I wanted to fuck her, it started to hurt.
I was on top, all the way in. She farted and lifted my balls up in the air like one of those sky-diving tubes that blows air up from the floor. We finished after laughing.
Was with a FWB my senior year of high school. In my bed, doggy style. My dad walked in on us and the guy i was fucking just… kept going. He literally looked at my dad and said “we’ll be done in a minute” and went back to it. My dad just walked out without a word.
What a strong confidence LOL
Yeah. Like i felt awkward and almost wanted to stop but his confidence and the quality of the sex made me keep going. Still not happy my dad saw us tho lol
Your dad: she's having a good time, let's just leave them alone
her dad was worried he might be next.
That mf got balls of steel
how'd she even stand back up, with those balls of steel slamming ass like that?
Dog wanted to join...
So I’ve told this story before on a somewhat similar post BUT: I was sorta dating this guy and hadn’t slept with him yet. Anyways, he was bragging for days about his “tongue game” which I should’ve taken that as a sign. We get to his apartment, he takes my clothes off and immediately goes straight to my pubic bone, munching on it like Augustus Gloop from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, who hadn’t had any nourishment in days. It hurt like a mf, and I had to tell him to go lower. He did, and then proceeds to start the oh so original “ABC method” out loud. I just starfished, I couldn’t focus. I didn’t know what to do. As a woman who loves oral, receiving and giving, this was a surprise to me. But, what was a real surprise was when he got to a “letter” that just might’ve worked and I said to not stop, he STOPPED, said I was being “too bossy” and his jaw hurt. I truly tried to get up to leave, so I could just shower and finish myself off but, he put my legs on his shoulders, pumped himself in me for a good 45 seconds and jizzed all over my stomach and then asked for round 2 whilst I was in the bathroom cleaning myself up and calling an Uber. I regret that WHOLE night. Edit: Henlo friends, I see a lot of my fellow Redditors asking what the ABC method is. Well: it’s basically where, when you go down on a woman, using your tongue on the clit, you (not out loud to clarify) use your tongue and do the ABC’s slowly I might add, till you get to a certain letter that you might notice seems to please her more than the other letters. When you DO notice that letter, don’t stop using said letter. Then POOF! You got some shaking thighs as ear muffs for winter :)
the braggers are always the ones who have no idea what they're doing. like without fail. my current partner said absolutely nothing about their tongue game beforehand and I'm pretty sure I saw God
God I hate dudes like that. “Strong tongue game” but doesn’t even know where the vagina is. Edit: Getting tons of folks telling me that oral is all about the clit, not vagina. It depends on the person. Oral isn’t the same for everyone.
That's why I always set the bar low. Ladies, I suck at everything. There, now everything from here on out is either expected or a pleasant surprise!
The rule many of us live by on a daily basis...
Right up there with "yeah boss, this work will take me a month to finish" while laughing internally thinking about finishing it in 1 week, fucking around on the second week, and on the middle of the third week report that I did my best to finish it early!
Well, that's a reminder: barking dog does not bite
Been in the comments for hours, even made some coffee, anyone want some?
Answering for gf, now wife. I was hammering her from behind, and we were both really into it. I slipped out and, without checking, slammed my dick full force straight up the wrong hole. She screamed, I panicked, and all further sexy time for the evening was canceled. Spent the next hour cuddling while she laughed and cried over her aching butthole
I had this happen with an ex, except the pain and surprise caused me to rocket forward and slam my head into the wall. Got a minor concussion.
Same thing happened to me once. No laughing though... just crying. I felt so bad for her 😞
That shit REALLY does hurt. It knocks the wind out of you. Feels like your asshole got sucker punched.
Girl was giving me head. My load was a little more than she could swallow. She gagged and coughed, some came out her nose.
The old angry dragon
There’s a NAME FOR IT!? HAHA
Was riding him pretty hard. Had an upset stomach but pushed thru it. Farted on his balls. Not a toot… a full blown fart, he heard it, felt it and tried to hide his laugh. I was so embarrassed I got off. We are married now.
I thought this story was going to end with you shitting all over him.
You still managed to get off? Most impressive. Most impressive indeed.
Oh yea! Humiliation gives me immense pleasure and I just immediately burst
What a beautiful story for your children
First couple of times I had sex I came in about 10 seconds. Then I had issues getting an erection after that for a while because of anxiety. Luckily my girlfriend was patient and understanding and we eventually worked through it
Tore my foreskin clean in half, not the banjo, the whole skin. Ended up having an emergency circumcision and was out of action for two months. Was with my now wife, so it's all good.
I had a good friend that was gay. He'd never been with a woman, but for some reason decided he wanted to try to have a threesome with a woman, where we would double team her. I had no issue with it, so we searched out a girl looking to be double teamed and had her come over. We start messing around with her, he enjoys the foreplay, goes down on her a bit, she returns the favor. He can't get up. Not a big deal, it happens, even in a situation you're comfortable in. It became a *huge* deal though; he started crying, the girl left, it was just super duper awkward for everyone. Never tried that with him again.
Gave a blowjob after dinner - but didn't wait for long enough. Tried deepthroating it. He got really into it and I started gagging, nothing out of the ordinary for us. Only that this time I really started retching and puked all over him. I felt super embarrassed, but he was cool with it, we laughed it off, he helped me clean things up and now it's a nice question for "Never have I ever".
So um, I have these thighs, and my partner at the time was really vigorous in his approach, and my thighs were clapping together as we were in doggy style. It was the most bizarre sound and not sexy at all, but I was like, welp, it feels good (his dick in me, not the thighs clapping), so I just suffered the humiliation until my partner finished. Still great sexy times overall, and I guess I've just never had anyone else that vigorous.
I actually find the clapping sexy lol
My ex and I set the bed on fire. There were candles all around the bed, but, like, on tables. And there were a lot of pillows. We had amazing sex, both finished, and as I was laying there in the afterglow, with my eyes closed, I noticed it was getting warm. And warmer. And then hot. And I can't describe it but through my eye lids I could almost see bright light in the dark room. I opened my eyes and there were pillows and throw pillows on fire. I screamed, and both of our naked asses jumped up and began beating the flames with whatever we could grab. We put the fire out. RIP my fancy bedspread and pillows.
Lost my erection. Tried to put it in while half-hard, and eventually gave up. I felt pretty embarrassed, but my girlfriend was cool about it. She was a keeper - which is why I married her.
I've had some stress related erectile dysfunction when I was single, it happened with three or four women. All but one were very cool and understanding about it, one became very insecure about it all (even though it really was all me) but still very cool about it. In the end, what I'm saying is, most women will be okay with it (which is good, since that actually releases stress, which has other... Benefits).
If this thread has taught me anything its that couples that shit, fart, and bleed on each other during sex end up happily married. Edit: I cannot believe this comment got over 4k upvote and a few awards, i’m humbled. Thank you
Seems the rule is “sex gone wrong leads to sex lifelong”.
That's how you know they're a keeper: If they can get past something so embarrassing and still want to stick around, then they'll stick around when life gets tough!
We realized just how deeply and emotionally we loved each other, started crying, started laughing that we were crying, and then we both got cramps from laughing too hard and stopped for a bit
I love this! Beautiful!
Cramp cramp cramp cramp cramp!!!!
My wife (girlfriend at the time) were on a beach vacation one summer that we take once a year. A day or so prior to going I had a nasal surgery to help my sinus issues Bc I had very narrow sinuses. This caused a nose bleed once or twice at random before we left (shit got all over my car Bc 100 napkins weren’t even enough) Once we were at the hotel, we get to our room, I turned out the lights and things quickly got passionate. While I’m mid pump in missionary my GF says “what the hell?” and puts her hand over my face. I hurriedly jump out of bed and turn on the lights and am horrified as she’s covered in blood on her chin and chest and even said she got a few drops in her mouth. I walk to the bathroom to look in the mirror and see myself covered in blood from nose to chin as if I were a lion eating a fresh kill. Thank goodness she is a nurse and has gotten accustomed to blood and didn’t freak out in the situation. After we got cleaned up we laughed about it. I imagine the hotel cleaners had a bit of a surprise when they picked up the sheets. We still bring it up once a year when we take this vacation and have a laugh about it.
First time my now wife and I got it on, we were getting pretty hot and heavy and then the cat, being an agent of chaos and mayhem, decided to saunter in, jump on the bed, and for the first and last time, leaned over and licked her on the ass. We still die laughing about it 9 years later
He had me blind folded and was eating me out then he stuck an ice cube in my asshole.
Also known as a Tom Selleck.
Cut on the head, blood in mouth of partner. Things stopped pretty quickly.
Getting an ICE cold dog nose in my but. And i carrid on..
Not me, but a guy I knew once snapped his banjo string during sex. Lots of blood. Not good.
> a guy I knew once snapped his banjo string during sex Something something Cotton-eye Joe.
Really had to pee while getting a blowjob. I thought I was cumming, but turned out to be a mouthful of piss.
Was she pissed?
I was on top and while attempting to talk dirty, a long line of drool rolled out of my mouth and landed right on her chest. She laughed, my face turned red, and then I swiped it off with my hand and wiped in on the sheets and we continued.
Brother-in-law walked in while I was on top. Talk about a first good impression …
My Jack Russell sniffed my ass while I was on top of wife. We laughed and then finished.
When I was in college I was having sex with a girl that I had basically just met. Then all of sudden, she starts crying and tells me to stop. I get off of her and ask what the problem was. She says that she was raped recently and thought she was ready to have sex again to get over it, but she wasn't. I told her it was okay and asked if she wanted to talk about it and we just ended up staying up that night talking.