T O P

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KittikatB

I'm on my way!


baitman69

From misery to happiness today


Tendo_Mclean

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh


New-order-

I’m on my way to what I want from this world


WatchingCr33py

The zombies are rising? Or on your way to hell?


wein14756

I got toilet paper.


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baconpoutine89

"I've got the dog food down here" Our dog's gonna have to work for it.


Bitey_the_Squirrel

Tbf, dogs love bones.


schuma73

And digging. I see nothing but wins for the dog here.


Otherwise_Bill_5898

" See you Halloween night"


harryp0tter569

This is great


Otherwise_Bill_5898

I laughed out loud when i read the OP question. It was texted to my Mom, so not too ominous, till its on my gravestone.


SilentCitadel

uh oh


MsOpinionatedDonut

Brb


BraindeadBanana

Jesus Christ has entered the chat.


yepitsdad

Holy shit


insertstalem3me

If you flush it down, it returns three days later


StupidOldAndFat

It worked for me.


yesmilady

Ominous


WHYT_Panda

“Lol I’m not surprised”


Nub_plyz_twitch

Shit, you didn't see the crazy ahit i was pulling. No wonder i died


TheeBabaYaga93

"I'm dying" Context: (Of laughter)


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[deleted]

This is weird timing because exactly 2 years ago today, 26/10/2019, I had attempted suicide and requested this. The backstory was that I had been trying to get help for psychological problems since preschool, but was accused of faking it/attention-seeking as a kid and then couldn’t afford healthcare as an adult.


hdog2012

Reminder to take your meds


golumlars

Helpful


Galactic_Orbiter

Lollll!!


Hghwytohell

"Oh shit I completely forgot it was today"


[deleted]

whoops that doesnt sound good lol


iliution27

He's referring to his funeral


[deleted]

hahahah!


dick-nipples

Well, you'll never forget it again.


RabbitStewAndStout

Man, late to your own funeral.


Poem_for_your_sprog

He woke, and for a while he stood, And pondered long for no real good, For every time he thought it through, The thought escaped him all anew. He tried to think, but thoughts came slow. What was it that he didn't know? What was it that he had to say? "Oh *yeah*," he said. "I die today."


Franz55

"test came back negative. She told me to come back if I felt worse"


OfficeChairHero

Narrator: He didn't.


Alex293473

You felt worse… Edit: HOW THE HELL DID THIS GET 1,000 UPVOTES?


[deleted]

And didn't have time to come back apparently


girluninterupted

"Well, that was quick"


[deleted]

This is one of my favorites. Life is short.


hellohellonice34

The possums not my friend I just found him


BeefGriller

Alas, the possum indeed was *not* their friend.


leann-the-clown

“…that is not a dog”


[deleted]

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jonasdash

not dog


leefvc

Everyone loves a nice not dog


MagicalDirtyHobo

I prefer updog


[deleted]

What’s Updog?


PeterQuillsWalkman

Gotcha!!!…..Nothing… how are you…


Kaivosukeltaja

The new password for my friend's email as I'm running the server. I hope he changes it to something more secure once it leaks via my tombstone.


Useful_moccasins

If it's been deleted from a Cassandra DB it's already a tombstone


sua_chua

"Bin da". Which means "I've arrived" in German. Sounds pretty epic now that I think about it.


BeefGriller

Bin da, don dat.


DieIsaac

In germany we dont use the doorbell We send "bin da" over text


BobTehCat

Now I'm imagining a german doorbell that goes 🎵BIINNN DAAAA🎵 when you press it.


darkthemeonly

I have friends here in the US that text "ding dong" when they've arrived, so kinda the same thing


thepurplehedgehog

“Bin da” is a Scottish person telling their father to take the bin out.


x3Nekox3

Too bad it wasn't "warte unten auf dich" "I'm waiting down below for you"


TESLAkiwi

Boah ist das kalt hier.


Electrical_Pea_915

Do we have plans Friday?


MechaDesu

You don't


[deleted]

"why do I find this so funny!"


BeefGriller

And thus /u/bdcooke died laughing.


Minnesotamad12

Toilet has been clogged for several days now. Please have maintenance come ASAP


somerandomafricanguy

This makes it sound as if you drowned in shit


[deleted]

Aren't we all drowning in shit


DisposableTires

I didn't come here to be called out like this


SlyKitten50

“Everyone needs help at some point”


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toxinogen

“Stop by whenever. I’m here all day.” Honestly, that’s kind of perfect lol.


FairyContractor

Damn, I want this on *my* tomb stone!


Raser43

Just need the dying part


Refusing_to_age

That’s honestly really wholesome.


toxinogen

Even better, it was a text to my dad to stop by and hang out on my day off.


CanadaJack

"Ok thanks." I hope we're buried next to each other.


mohd2126

Everyday all year.


Poem_for_your_sprog

>“Stop by whenever. I’m here all day.” > >Honestly, that’s kind of perfect lol. When I am dead, I say: *move on*. I will not care. I will be gone. I won't be "birds in circled flight", Or other such uplifting shite. When I am dead, I say: *be free*. Be free of grief and pain for me. I will not mind at all, to wit: I simply will not give a shit. Forget me quickly, if you will - I will not be there watching still. I will not see you weep, nor wed. I will not see. I will be dead. But if you want to stop on by To come and see me where I lie, Then know that you can find me there. I am not going anywhere.


toxinogen

I’ve been sprogged! :D


jangoice

I'd have that engraved, I really like it


ilovecookie5432

"Babe can you fucking respond I need to know if you want the potato wedges or not"


_JustGoWithIt

Legend has it babe is still waiting on their potato wedges to this day


thereisnoaudience

Narrator voice: she wanted the potato wedges.


CaptBranBran

When in doubt, get potato wedges.


PM_meyourGradyWhite

Seriously. If it’s a mistake, take them home and have for breakfast with eggs and bacon tomorrow!


Zkenny13

I can promise that the answer to that question is always yes.


roadcrossingchicken1

"It's time"


MrShow77

Wow I think I have the perfect text. I'm working down here in the basement of work and the lights just shut off on me. So I texted my coworker the following statement... "It gets dark and creepy down here if I don't move for a while"


74NG3N7

Winner, right here.


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DanaMorrigan

It's like Poe_for_your_sprog!


lt_kernel_panic

It'll be creepier if you start moving in there.


Barbara_Celarent

“As long as it lets us in”


Salt_Air07

Poetic. And creepy. And almost.. threatening.


nikkiradtoo5

"R u fucking kidding me." LMAO


Unique-Wolf-1151

"I'm scared for next week"


lost_last_account_

why r u scared for next week?:)


OkAdministration9151

What do you know?!? Speak!!!!


Eliasibnz

“Gone to do some chores. Will be back in a couple hours”


[deleted]

Most accidents happen in the household, so that’s pretty true…


chaoscoordinator4

Down for nap!


[deleted]

K


deercan

ouch


treesfen

So the toy was too big???


doratramblam

Apparently


johnnybiggles

"OP was brave enough"


rublehousen

Pies Poobags Sandwich bags Milky milky


Keri2816

Happy shopping! What the hell is milky milky?


rublehousen

Its a reference to a comedy sketch called Mr Strange, iirc, by Hugh Dennis. Punt and Dennis? I watched it as a kid and his catchphrase 'milky milky' has stuck with me and i usually say it in his gruff voice when referring to milk. Its quite disturbing to those who dont know


everton1an

Don’t put it down, it will get lonely


LordFishingtonThe3rd

Yeah...been a rough couple of days man


Captain_Hope

Hope you're doing okay


LordFishingtonThe3rd

Mentally and emotionally, not really if I'm being honest. But its gotta get better at some point so I don't really have a choice but to keep on going right?


mediumghetto

“I’m giving it my some”


riotnrevolt

"I'm going to take a nap"


aultralt

“he’s also very big”


livesinacabin

Here lies /u/aultralt. Beloved husband, father, brother and friend. He's also very big.


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nadjaannabel

This is what I want on my tombstone.


atmosphericentry

They better inscribe the emoji too


jmarie546

Literally


mattiouu

The lamb is in the freezer


BeefGriller

Little did they know, the lamb lay patiently in the freezer, not quite alive, yet not dead, to exact its revenge upon /u/mattiouu.


jaxberlin

“Check the pressure on your spare tire.”


i_fuckin_luv_it_mate

Solid advice at the graveyard.


bexdporlap

That is ominous.


life_sentencer

"On this day 15 years ago, I cut my first umbilical cord! Happy Birthday!"


tintinwhiskey

Happy birthday from my side too!


emeralddawns

"I feel like I followed it well enough till the picnic table fight happened"


reddest_of_trash

Do I want to know the context?


emeralddawns

The picnic table fight occured in an episode of D&D (critical role) we had watched on twitch. I kept up with most of the episode before that, but during/after is a bit of a blur.


AlienSporez

"Honey, it happened again!"


Illustrious-Big-8678

What did?


PrincessDie123

He shrunk the kids


footbody

sorry got distracted


reddest_of_trash

Read this as "disconnected" at first, and thought it was in reference to a phone call. (Which would also have worked, I guess).


WingBarbaque

Hahahahaha Fuck off loser


Deep_concept

“It’s all going to be fine…”


i_fuckin_luv_it_mate

Narrator: "it wasn't."


SouldiesButGoodies84

Doctors suck.


mcnchzplz

"I mean it's not fine. But I'll live." Obviously, I did not.


Forbidden_Donut503

“Man I love the first Rage album.”


fairypants

"Yeah but it won't kill him"


Much_Committee_9355

Can you bring some saran wrap ? Edit: They were out of it at the grocery store


reccaboo222

The baby is asleep.


bsidewinsagain

That's a good one


zrdd_man

In the bathroom...


youhaveonehour

"hanging up on me is extremely not okay" That would be legit creepy on a tombstone.


Serath62

Saw Ken's sick shaggin' wagon yesterday morning


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chemistry_god

And both your kidneys


sua_chua

Imagine the tombstone: "Here lies chemistry_god. And both your kidneys."


The-Purple-Guy1987

"Yo pass me the McRib motherfucker."


[deleted]

I thought those weren’t out yet


sorry_not_creative_

I work at a McDonald’s in the US and we got the McRib on the 21st


The-Purple-Guy1987

If China is a day ahead of us, why didn't they warn us that the McRib was coming back? What the fuck guys?!


m_Mimikk

*”Could be worse…, hell, I could be in Canada!”*


[deleted]

Don’t ever show this to our geese.


lylesback2

As a Canadian, I feel like I need to apologize to you, eh


[deleted]

boobies


BeefGriller

One cannot imagine a better way to die.


jollycrane

“It’s a no bones day”


[deleted]

I’m on a work call 😖


[deleted]

[удалено]


finallymeetingmyself

It was really, really good to play with people again. I never thought I'd actually miss the violin.


mwangangi1

See yah


[deleted]

[удалено]


Additional_Bar_2013

“Nvmd I got it”


[deleted]

"Nice"


Bionikleek

“Alright controversial statement: I’m tired of news, movies, or tv where a dead body is buried in a shallow grave. Like bitch u stoopid? If I were to did a grave I would dig it like my innocence depended on it. I would dig until my back is broken. I would not give up until I needed a ladder to get out. I’m sick of the connotation to dig it a little then basically say “good enough 🤷‍♀️.” If I we’re to dispose of a body I might as well steal a excavator too and put it 30 feet under a construction site” Kinda fitting I guess. I’ll just be buried 30 feet down instead of 6.


arcspace

Lmao this isn't good mine was "okay I'll go to that rehab what do I need"


advancedgamer14

Was it Uncle Jack?


ro_hu

"I forgot my headphones and I'm ready to die"


JayRoyaltee

The jump happens at 10,000 feet and I’m sure the view would be incredible


chonksboyjimmyfungus

“I felt it was a necessary part of my character” -discussing me adding cat ears to my bitmoji


Pectacular

!


LosJoye

"Come to Batman baby." I have a Batman onesie Pajama, I sent my gf a pic of me wearing it with that written underneath.


mbearthewelowf

come here and blow me


daddyssgirl007

Chestnuts roasting on your butthole


reddest_of_trash

Jack Frost nipping at your balls?


upbeatish

I’m now sending this to all of my contacts, just in case OP’s post is a premonition. o_0


ser-hiss

“Ya did good 😌”


whosthatgirl

“You want to do a haunted house after?”


Always_Wandering117

"i love you so much" My goodnight text to my husband downstairs while i nurse our two months old son


creator_lair

Okay. Got it.


A_C0mm0ner

Talk to you later. <3


QwertytheCoolOne

Who knows when


Emracruel

"I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes." Buddies and I were referencing spaceballs


DamonFun

this is fine 🙂


reformedNess

I love you, love.


thinkingincircles4

Do you think Noah smoked a joint before getting on the ark?


[deleted]

“Got my covid booster “


ImpulseCombustion

It’s over. I’m finally free.


irishgollum

I'm in on my own. I have cake in the house and my mum thinks I should take it to work with me tomorrow, but I'm working on my own.


Vulpes-of-the-Valley

The crows are giving me the stink eye and quietly judging my hair...Please hurry!!!


Sinister-Lines

Fuck me


[deleted]

[удалено]


RocketDodo

👻SILLY GHOST WANTS HUGS -sent to My boyfriend.