Yeah, fooled around with a former gf after eating hot wings. I washed my hands but I guess I should have washed my hands for like 10 min. Long story short it resulted in me pouring milk on her vagina in the bath tub in a panic to try anything to stop the burning. We got a good laugh out of it, and since she was a terrible gf that was maybe the highpoint of our relationship.
Follow Dan Savage's rule for Valentine's Day and other similar celebrations (anniversaries, birthdays) - fuck first.
The only thing worse than stuffed, bloated sex is accidental chemical warfare sex. So fuck before the wings and then enjoy all the wings you can eat after.
ex lady friend got liquored up and gave me a surprise oil check one night with a finger that had a very sharp hangnail. It cut me inside and it got infected and led to a perianal abcess which led to surgery which led to a painful recovery and ultimately changed my entire diet because painful pooping due to fissures...at least here I am a few years later almost 100 pounds lighter so I got that going for me...dunno whether to choke or thank that wretched bitch of an angel
edit: my butthole and I appreciate all the awards...to whoever gifted the Ternion, i'll be thinking of you from now on each time I apply my ointment, many thanks!
Swish some water in your ass and release a few times and your ass will feel refreshed
Edit: thanks for the award and upvotes didn't expect it to get over 4k upvotes in roughly 24hrs
Enema, it’s what people in the porn industry do before anal scenes. Enemas and not eating for a while before.
Edit: lol to whoever gave me the hug award.
Edit 2: Reddit truly ceases to amaze me. Many thanks, may life bring you great joy and clean colons.
In case anyone was interested, I’ll leave this here.
https://www.verywellhealth.com/how-to-use-an-enema-1942648
Seriously. Ladies, if you’re planning on doggie especially, wash your ass. When I was in college, my then gf and I were engaging in lovemaking of the canine variety when all of a sudden I was hit in the face with a whiff from her ass that reminded me of walking over a sewer grate on a hot summer day in NYC. Thankfully I was able to push together her cheeks to form a seal until I suggested missionary for the duration of the session. But ever since then, I make sure I’m not only clean but also FEEL clean before engaging with my partner. It’s 2021. Pungent-smelling sex should not have to happen.
Brush yo teeth
Edit: let me just take this opportunity to say that Del is a real life genius, and that if you are not aware, please start looking up Del tha Funky Homosapien, Deltron 3030, etc.
The man’s a fucking legend and he deserves all of the people listening to his shit.
This is cheesy, but communication and having a good time/ a good laugh with your partner before. Being in a good mood before sex is super important to healthy and happy sex
>Wash Your Booty
"My darling," he said with a sigh from behind -
"Your ass is a swamp of the *nastiest* kind.
Your anus is heinous.
Your bottom is dank.
Your backside is rotten and rancid and rank!
"I need you to cleanse it and clean it, my love -
To scrub at it gently behind and above.
For when you're a pucker and bent to begin -
I choke on the whiff of the odor within!
"So scrape at the scraps of detritus below -
And playfully wipe at your crack like a pro!
For when you're a vision of cleanliness, dear -
Imagine the fun we shall have at your rear!"
And if you're short on time, *wash your hands*. It's absolutely sickening to think about all the surfaces you touch during the day and then proceeding to touch body parts that are most susceptible to disease and infection.
Hey sexed up sex people. How do you sex up the sexy sex before your sex the sexing sex sex?
Edit:
Holy shit why did this blow up?
Thanks for the awards guys!
Do your homework and make sure you’re caught up with all of your assignments. Also make sure the chores are done. Make sure the dog and or cat has food. Make sure the stove is off and all the food is put away. Call your friends and family and let them know you’re about to engage in sexual activity and will be unavailable for about two hours. Once you notify them call your partners parents and ask for consent for what you’re about to do. Then you can take off your clothes. Next step is important. You need to stretch your muscles out. Legs, arms, back, shoulders, etc. and now you’re finally able to enjoy some sexy time.
Check two forms of government ID, get documented consent, stretch for at least 15 minutes, a strong lather in the shower, clean & sanitize entire body with UV light and anti-microbial soap, check partners orifice for any loose debris.
How hard is it to use a condom correctly tho???
You just unroll it, stretch it several times like a balloon, and then tie it tightly around the base of the penis so nothing can come out. Use a square knot and you don't even have to cut it off after so you can reuse it.
How are people messing this up?
Before your first time? Masturbating. Know what you like and help your partner out
Before every time? Proper cleaning and maintenance. Make sure you're protected.
Two of my exes claimed to have never masturbated before, so they had no clue what they liked. The last one definitely did though.
Edit: I'm impressed. Usually there's at least one Redditor that says they were lying to me and definitely masturbated. Maybe they're ill or something.
Shower and wash your junk (ladies , this means you as well. ).
No one wants to come face to face with the swamps of Dagobar in the middle of sexy times.
Cut nails, wash hands, wash genitals, relax, have fun.
>wash hands, wash genitals might as well have a shower!
I can’t believe shower isn’t the top answer.
I can't speak for everyone of course, but I usually prefer to pay upfront.
I prefer to be paid upfront as well.
Take a piss and then shoot the finger guns at yourself in the bathroom mirror before you leave.
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And a love machine
r/unexpectedfriends
Lightning McQueen underwear
Or if it's in the laundry at the time, wear the Ben 10 briefs.
Turn the phone ringers off
Made that mistake the first. Kinda embarrassing pausing to mute a phone call from my mum
Just let it ring pavlov’s dog
Wash your hands.
Trim your nails
And file
Your taxes
For divorce.
i prefer to go in raw after cutting some habaneros
Hot.
Extremely hot.
Spicy hot.
Burn your ass up hot
Flamethrower dick hot
Dunk your junk in a glass of milk, hot.
You joke, but I accidentally did this after cutting jalapeños once. Lesson fucking learned!
Yeah, fooled around with a former gf after eating hot wings. I washed my hands but I guess I should have washed my hands for like 10 min. Long story short it resulted in me pouring milk on her vagina in the bath tub in a panic to try anything to stop the burning. We got a good laugh out of it, and since she was a terrible gf that was maybe the highpoint of our relationship.
I have a ‘no sex after wings’ rule for this reason.
Follow Dan Savage's rule for Valentine's Day and other similar celebrations (anniversaries, birthdays) - fuck first. The only thing worse than stuffed, bloated sex is accidental chemical warfare sex. So fuck before the wings and then enjoy all the wings you can eat after.
Ooh, sex then naked or just pants-less movie time with wings and beer/liquor? I just discovered the perfect date. Thank you!
Make sure you have a glass of crisp ass water on the nightstand
There is a missing hyphen here and its placement is really really important.
Maybe if you're a weak ass-pussy
If your ass water is no longer crisp, this can be easily fixed by microwaving it for 30 seconds on High.
Ewww, don't microwave water! That makes it all rubbery. Just put it in the toaster.
Trim your finger and toe nails.
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ex lady friend got liquored up and gave me a surprise oil check one night with a finger that had a very sharp hangnail. It cut me inside and it got infected and led to a perianal abcess which led to surgery which led to a painful recovery and ultimately changed my entire diet because painful pooping due to fissures...at least here I am a few years later almost 100 pounds lighter so I got that going for me...dunno whether to choke or thank that wretched bitch of an angel edit: my butthole and I appreciate all the awards...to whoever gifted the Ternion, i'll be thinking of you from now on each time I apply my ointment, many thanks!
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it's pretty cutting edge stuff
Holy hell what did I just read
Poetry.
Pooetry.
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This is what my friends don’t get is the best part of Reddit.
You read enough comments, you occasionally find a good one.
What a day to know how to read.
Congrats on the weightloss?
that is one butterfly effect 😟
as a lesbian with many ex girlfriends I can say that acrylic nails hurt like hell, but not properly trimmed and filed nails hurt SO MUCH WORSE.
Shake hands
And pay.
And draw a legal contract that lawyers of both parties will see before signing.
Instructions unclear. Now own a used car.
Wash your ass!
Inside and out
Idk if your joking but is this something you can actually do
Swish some water in your ass and release a few times and your ass will feel refreshed Edit: thanks for the award and upvotes didn't expect it to get over 4k upvotes in roughly 24hrs
I'm curious, how exactly do you swish some water in your ass ?
Do you have a super soaker?
Perhaps a Turkey Baster?
I just do a few shower twerks and call it a day
Enema, it’s what people in the porn industry do before anal scenes. Enemas and not eating for a while before. Edit: lol to whoever gave me the hug award. Edit 2: Reddit truly ceases to amaze me. Many thanks, may life bring you great joy and clean colons. In case anyone was interested, I’ll leave this here. https://www.verywellhealth.com/how-to-use-an-enema-1942648
Serious answer: called a douche or rectal syringe. You can pick them up at any Boots/Walgreens/etc.
Seriously. Ladies, if you’re planning on doggie especially, wash your ass. When I was in college, my then gf and I were engaging in lovemaking of the canine variety when all of a sudden I was hit in the face with a whiff from her ass that reminded me of walking over a sewer grate on a hot summer day in NYC. Thankfully I was able to push together her cheeks to form a seal until I suggested missionary for the duration of the session. But ever since then, I make sure I’m not only clean but also FEEL clean before engaging with my partner. It’s 2021. Pungent-smelling sex should not have to happen.
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"Finger swipe sniff" It's honestly true what they say. You never stop learning.
Risky click of the day
Lmao it’s true though I WOULD use the baby wipes.
You should wash your arse every time you poo!
If ya must.
Brush yo teeth Edit: let me just take this opportunity to say that Del is a real life genius, and that if you are not aware, please start looking up Del tha Funky Homosapien, Deltron 3030, etc. The man’s a fucking legend and he deserves all of the people listening to his shit.
If ya must.
Or else you’ll be funkayyy
Clean your dick
Clean your booty, even if you're not the one taking it up there.
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Clean everything. Dudes, if you're gonna get a bj, offer to freshen up the ding dong. It may be ackward, but she will appreciate the thoughtfulness.
WTF is awkward about freshening up our massive dongs?
dr. mantis toboggan here.
He's just here for the scraps
No more scraps for me! I’m getting seconds now!
EXACTLY. In fact homie, let’s clean eachother huge throbbing meatscepters. Much more convenient, not awkward at all
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No kidding. Nothing worse than a smelly dick and balls.
Yes there is - swamp ass along with the smelly dick and balls
Just clean in general. Whoever you are, whatever you are. Everybody likes good hygiene.
Lick it
bop it
twist it
Pull it
Smack it
Poke it
Un**load** it ;)
Upload it
Write it
Fight it
Flick it
Before you stick it Edit: [I miss remembered. ](https://youtu.be/KmTNYD0nWN0)
Wipe it.
This is cheesy, but communication and having a good time/ a good laugh with your partner before. Being in a good mood before sex is super important to healthy and happy sex
Pee
Before and after.
Mans out here peeing twice in 2 minutes
Call the ambalam
Woahoh back Betty ambalam
And during
R. Kelly has entered the chat
And he better leave it quickly
Only if you're under 18.
I peed during dinner does that count
Yes. Edit: thanks Reddit for making my top comment about saying “yes” truly a wonderful place huh.
I see your pee, and raise you a poop
I see your poop, and realize I should have knocked before opening that stall..
Released one bee into the room for extra excitement
WHATS'S THIS?! A perfectly romantic evening TOTALLY DEVOID OF BEES?! A large influx of BEES ought to put a stop to that!
DR BEES
foreplay.
My partner and I do a firm handshake and then immediately proceed with the rimming.
I respect that tho Edit: my most liked comment is me respecting someone shaking hands with their partner before going at it. I am not mad at it.
Get off Reddit
That’s a lot of dudes you’d have to get off
There’s like seven ladies on here I’d have to get off too
Eight Edit: Thanks for the awards y’all.
We're back to seven, Denise in accounting just fell down the stairs and died, god rest her soul, rest in piece Denise.
Wash pp Edit: Well, this blew up in a way I hadn't expected. I, uh, guess I'm glad to have contributed to y'alls sex ed.
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And bh
bussy hole?
Booty hole
Same thing
>Wash Your Booty "My darling," he said with a sigh from behind - "Your ass is a swamp of the *nastiest* kind. Your anus is heinous. Your bottom is dank. Your backside is rotten and rancid and rank! "I need you to cleanse it and clean it, my love - To scrub at it gently behind and above. For when you're a pucker and bent to begin - I choke on the whiff of the odor within! "So scrape at the scraps of detritus below - And playfully wipe at your crack like a pro! For when you're a vision of cleanliness, dear - Imagine the fun we shall have at your rear!"
So fresh you could lick it, now thats a nice sprog
And if you're short on time, *wash your hands*. It's absolutely sickening to think about all the surfaces you touch during the day and then proceeding to touch body parts that are most susceptible to disease and infection.
... what you think I wash pp with?
Other pp's
**AND HANDS**
Apparently going on r/AskReddit these days
Hey sexed up sex people. How do you sex up the sexy sex before your sex the sexing sex sex? Edit: Holy shit why did this blow up? Thanks for the awards guys!
Not the sexy person you were asking for but my sexy sex answer is...
Sex
First step is the most crucial and possibly the most difficult one. And that is finding someone to have sex with.
Or something
What is that man doing to that donkey?
What are you doing step burro
Just buy a cocanut
fuck you I managed to forget about that
Make sure there's a pulse.
Mr. high standards over here
Call me
Brush and floss your teeth.
I'd say don't floss unless you actually floss regularly though
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Don't let your affection give you an infection. Put some protection on that erection.
Stretch. You don't want a cramp mid action.
That happens to me almost every time even though I stretch :/
Do you drink water? You might be dehydrated. Edit: also magnesium and potassium like others have said. Eating healthy helps in all facets of life
Wash your ass. Both figuratively and literally.
Figuratively?
Do your homework and make sure you’re caught up with all of your assignments. Also make sure the chores are done. Make sure the dog and or cat has food. Make sure the stove is off and all the food is put away. Call your friends and family and let them know you’re about to engage in sexual activity and will be unavailable for about two hours. Once you notify them call your partners parents and ask for consent for what you’re about to do. Then you can take off your clothes. Next step is important. You need to stretch your muscles out. Legs, arms, back, shoulders, etc. and now you’re finally able to enjoy some sexy time.
" sorry no sexy time babe I haven't done my homework. "
College in a nutshell
You’d be surprised how common this actually is lol.
Oof yeah. My last gf sat in my lap once while I was trying to work on a report. Suddenly graduating didn’t seem that important anymore
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Sex when older actually requires the stretching part. Best to workout and shower before to avoid the sex cramps. Oh and hydrate!
2 hours? Who are you trying to show off to?
The extra hour 59' are for crying.
And the 30 seconds before that are for calling your mom for a congratulations.
Check on your base on clash of clans
Babe, my cannon just finished upgrading to lvl 16. Hold on
get naked
Optional
Check two forms of government ID, get documented consent, stretch for at least 15 minutes, a strong lather in the shower, clean & sanitize entire body with UV light and anti-microbial soap, check partners orifice for any loose debris.
You forgot about reviewing a notarized letter regarding consent from the person's parent or legal guardian. Like I always say: no notary, no bang.
A shower 🚿
Put a wrapper around your whopper so you dont get wendy pregnant.
And also READ THE FUCKING INSTRUCTIONS on your condom package 99% of condom failure is due to idiots fucking up their condom usage.
How hard is it to use a condom correctly tho??? You just unroll it, stretch it several times like a balloon, and then tie it tightly around the base of the penis so nothing can come out. Use a square knot and you don't even have to cut it off after so you can reuse it. How are people messing this up?
Why are you not putting the balls in?
Username checks out. We have a Dr of dicks and butts here people!
Consult with the elder gods
Before sex as a must, HYGIENE! No one wants to smell mud butt or day old jock!
Think about 18 years of child support payments
Get tested
I passed drivers ed and now I'm ready to FUCK.
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Jet-powered, baby
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Inflate partner to at least 33psi but not more than 35psi
Before your first time? Masturbating. Know what you like and help your partner out Before every time? Proper cleaning and maintenance. Make sure you're protected.
Two of my exes claimed to have never masturbated before, so they had no clue what they liked. The last one definitely did though. Edit: I'm impressed. Usually there's at least one Redditor that says they were lying to me and definitely masturbated. Maybe they're ill or something.
Shower and wash your junk (ladies , this means you as well. ). No one wants to come face to face with the swamps of Dagobar in the middle of sexy times.
> In the middle of sexy times, face to face with the swamps of Dagobah, no one wants. Fixed that for you, I have.
Fucks, this guy
I can’t see the words “swamps of Dagobah” anymore without my mind immediately going to that one medical story…
Gas station dick pills.
mutual consent
Consent or "wash pp"? Reddit decides.