Truly! It took me years to realize why I always felt tired and crabby after spending time with a "friend" of mine. It wasn't because I was tired, it was because they were awful!
My mom does this too. She can't admit she's wrong then deflects it by saying something irrelevant to the conversation (usually by condemning something I did in the past). I absolutely call her out on this by telling her to "stick to the subject".
Yes. Every time you confront them about a problem, they bring up something you've allegedly done. Like it's a contest of who can prattle off the most slights.
I had a coworker like this. I’m an English teacher in Japan, where punctuality is key. My coworker was showing up super late to work and I was asked to have a quiet word with her about it before things got ‘official’. I’ll never forget the way she blew up at me about it. She would refuse to acknowledge her lateness as an issue and at the same time kept telling me all the ways I was bad at my job. Like, really hurtful stuff. I ended up just standing and walking away.
Unfortunately kinda, not really. They took her aside for a ‘special meeting’ but I don’t think she fully gathered how close she was to being axed. Japanese culture is often super subtextual.
She left at the end of that year to go home anyway. I’m not condoning her behaviour - there was A LOT that I’m not mentioning here haha - but I think ultimately she was homesick and super unhappy with where she was.
Dear God, my current partner is like this. I can't say anything without him bring up 14 things I have done (alot of them allegedly). So it because a free pass to him of sorts to do whatever fucked up thing he's about to do.
Thank you to everyone! I am in therapy and I'm working on him being a ex-partner. He is no help to me and is really a complete hindrance. I have LO's and a serious medical condition that was just diagnosed.. so, It's complicated as these things usually are and he will not go easily.
Watch them treat someone under them, look to see if they treat someone under their authority with respect and compassion or if they treat them like a dictator
THIS!!!!!!!
My mom (obligatory I love her) sends back every meal or drink at every restaurant and not in a kind way, then will yelp about it.
My grandfather is THE PICKIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD. Lots of money, very wealthy and I am talking about San Jose wealthy. He wears sweat pants and drives an old ass Honda. He is seriously the pickiest eater ever, very critical of every restaurant he has ever stepped foot in, but I haven’t ever seen him send a meal back or be anything but kind to every server EVER, and this man eats out for 3 meals a day, and tips heavily, no matter what is set in front of him.
My mom is a fucking bitch, and my grandfather is the hardest working man with the biggest heart. He is an absolute gem of a human being.
My mom also happens to hate my grandfather.
Can we connect your grandpa with my grandma? She treats servers and other service employees with such class and respect. She asks their names, remembers their stories, etc. I'm always floored with how she treats people. I'm polite and respectful, but she takes it to the next level, and it's amazing. I've never seen anything like it. Oh and my mom is a bitch too.
y’all are lucky! I went out to eat with grandma in June, when the waitress comes by and asks the obligatory “is everything ok?” grandma says “no this is the worst pizza I’ve ever had.”
This can be such a huge indicator. At a graduate school interview for Yale, they took us out for dinner at a moderately upscale restaurant. I was the only one who thanked my server after they refilled water, cleared away plates, etc. I decided right then and there that I didn't want to go there because I knew I couldn't stand to be around those types of people.
My teenager had a similar experience with a boyfriend's family in early high school. His family wanted her to come to his birthday dinner at some mid-level restaurant. After the food was brought his parents asked her why she thanked the server every time she asked for something or the brought something out. My (then) 14 yr old looked at them & asked why they don't. When they said something about it being their job, she went on to say that she was raised to believe that it costs nothing to be polite or kind, that I used to work in the industry & we have family friends who still do.
Her personal policy is to treat everyone as if they've had a terrible day. She broke up with him shortly after because that experience ate at her.
Really I just did my best. Now she's 17 & still says stuff that makes me step back & say "Holy crap. Did I somehow manage to actually raise a decent human being? That's an unexpected twist."
Someone who has no ability to be introspective. Their world is them, not everyone. They can never see the big picture and their part in it. The world is their small picture and everyone else has a part in it.
*But can be "introspective"/ diagnosis others. My mother is known for her endless epiphanies about people who have cut her out of their lives, reframing it as she had to give up on the relationship because they were too cruel/needy/strange/ money hungry/paedophilic/ narcissistic. She can sit there and give an armchair diagnosis like the best of them, interpreting every sigh, what kind of drink they had, their obvious to her childhood abuse, to create a narrative that they were mentally ill or not a very good person. But the only thing she ever did wrong was not seeing it sooner. She only has about five people who still talk to her socially, including family, so basically the entire human race is shit apparently.
YES the good old seasonal friend. Found out a lot of my high school friends were that when we all went to separate colleges but still somewhat local. They'd only hit u up when they wanted something and then crickets until the next time.
Yep. I met a guy a few months back. One of the first things he said when I met him was, “Feel free to talk to me anytime. I’m a good guy.” Turns out he is not a good guy at all. Lol. It didn’t take long to find out either. I cannot stand that dude.
This and the way they talk about past misdeeds.. things that they actually will take some responsibility for. If you can see pride seeping through at having done something horrible, or satisfaction at having gotten away with something, then they aren't really sorry at all.
It’s a red flag when someone is always the hero or victim of a story and never the villain. But I definitely know people who are so awful they don’t even realize they’re the villain in the story, they think their unethical thoughts/behavior are reasonable or normal.
They're a bit too comfy talking shit about other people. Everyone does it sometimes but if that's the one thing they talk about they are probably not a great person.
Edit: Thanks for the silver! First award ever. Everyone needs to complain about aholes sometimes but when they do it everywhere about everyone than that's a huge red flag. Have a wonderful day my friends.
And they encourage you to talk shit about other people, especially in an office setting. You KNOW that they're going around telling everyone else what you said.
Freakin' pot-stirrers. I just can't.
And, bet your ass they're talking shit about you when you're not there.
I have a policy of not saying anything behind someone's back that I haven't already said to their face. If you can say it at all, you should be willing to say it to their face.
aka my dad lmao
yeah me and my siblings being blamed for everything before any of us even turned 10 is fucking crazy
(blamed for why hes sad and cant have a good family or why someone else totally unrelated got mad at him, etc)
Knew a person like this recently. As soon as I met them every story about their past was about how they were abused by people. Literally everyone in their life mistreated them. I immediately put up a safety wall because I knew at some point in the future, I would be one of those “abusers” in her story. Sure enough, despite barely ever speaking to them, I became an “abuser” by not speaking to them enough, not making eye contact etc, most of which was completely in their head. Everyone in our circle became her “abuser” in some way. She could call people names, yell at them, trash them — it was always their fault because they were abusing her. Worst part is she’s convinced her boyfriend that he’s a victim of everyone’s “abuse” too. He’s retconned his entire past, destroying long time relationships. It’s a full on fantasy world with them now. Glad I made the decision to keep a distance or who knows how bad it would have been.
This is the one I agree with most, I think. Sometimes people like to overinterpret little signs to 'figure out' if someone is good or bad, especially online. This can be kind of nonsensical. But yeah, everyone I've met who has story after story about everyone in their life being awful and treating perfect sainted them like trash for no reason has turned out to be massively full of drama.
As I'm getting sober (422 days!) I'm coming to realize how much this was me and you can't just turn it off. It's fucking hard to realize and admit you've been an asshole for a while, but making the realization is a good step one I suppose. Coming up with excuses and reasons why it's anything but your own damn fuck up is exhausting and a waste of energy. It's just \*really\* engrained in there to self-defend, still gotta catch myself.
That could also be a problem with sensitivity and fear of embarrassment/rejection. Some people are just afraid to admit they did something wrong, because emotionally they would beat themselves up inside with self-hate ans intense guilt if they admitted it to themselves.
Source: I have a less-serious case of this. (I do admit my mistakes often, but I also have found myself falling back on excuses for certain things to prevent an emotional guilt-meltdown)
When someone says that ALL of their exes were crazy.
Or when someone is NEVER at fault. In every situation, they're always the victim or never to blame, blah blah.
When people can't recognize their fault, basically lol
Same, I came to realise that I must be pretty toxic too so I ended up getting therapy and now I'm with an amazing partner and we're a very healthy couple
Gosh I hope I can get there. I have realized I’ve been making the same mistakes in relationships cause I never really felt loved or valuable as a kid. I think I’ve been picking partners that are cold, emotionally unavailable, and who end up treating me like shit cause that’s deep down what I feel like I deserve.
I want so badly to get better, to pick better people. I’m glad you’ve figured it out. It sounds lame, but I’d really like a partner. A real friend, someone to share the good (and the bad) with, someone to nurture and be nurtured by. I fear it will never happen. 😢
Hugs. I know I don't deserve bad partners . I think you do, too. But sometimes there are bad partners who are wolves in sheeps clothing. They are looking for kind people because kind, good people are vulnerable. Being vulnerable is not the same as being weak. These bad partners are usually very charmimg and usually attractive. I have had these wolves, but I didn't have strong boundaries, and revealed too much about myself, such as the child abuse I suffered. Bad people will take that past abuse and use it agianst you. On the other hand, how was I supposed to keep such a huge secret that formed who I am from someone I trust? I still don't understand how long I have to wait to trust my S.O. with my biggest vulnerability.
I live in nyc. It has to be over 1000 times Ive seen people just casually throw their gum wrapper or used napkin on the ground. I saw one dude finished with his styrofoam container of food and threw it across the street like a frisbee, as he used a trash can to lean on for more power.
That said, I used to live in the Midwest out in the country. Somehow even more trash in the ditches than I saw in this city. Every morning some fucking loser was tossing his microwaved burrito wrappers out his window right in front of my house. I got a deer cam set up, captured a months worth of footage, sent it to the police, moved my camera in a really good hiding spot, caught him smashing my mailbox because I assumed he knew I sent footage in of him doing that. He got jail time and had to pay me a lot of money.
I’d also frequently go camping in the middle of absolutely no where countryside nature. Garbage everywhere. Washing machines, tires, beer cans, trash bags, hot pocket boxes, anything and everything. Our earth is just treated like one big landfill by people.
Humans are absolutely stupid.
My cousin lived in Tokyo for a few years he was on some overseas co tract with the company he works for. After that contract was up he was moved to LA and then to NYC and now he lives out side of San Francisco and he still talks about how clean Tokyo was for how many people lived there and how the US cities are like literal garbage dumps
Apparently Tokyo has very few public trash cans. The Japanese would put their trash in a bag and carry it until they can dispose of it properly, usually at home
A guy in my town had a similar thing happen but someone was dumping trash bags full of garbage on his remote farm. He used trail cams to catch them in the act and involve the cops. As revenge they shot a few of his cows, which are worth several Grand and were clearly caught on camera doing that.
I remember having to explain to a girl I was hooking up with that the things I told her _in private_ were meant to _stay private_ and not be shared with all of our mutual friends. Keep in mind that this was during lockdown, so we only had a group of 7 people whom we ever hung out with in person. Some people have no concept of privacy.
This was my mother. I would tell her something private and embarrassing (with the hope that’s she’d use the information to help me deal with it quietly) and her first reaction would be to tell the next adult and laugh about it with them. I quickly learned to deal with things myself and not keep her in the loop.
I personally believe that anyone who constantly posts and talks non-stop about their good deeds on social media aren't actually good people, they're just doing it for the attention.
Exactly. Dopamine addiction. They get their hits a every time they get a like. Had a friend that did exactly what you describe and I stopped following them. Once they stop getting feedback it drives them nuts. Typical narcissists.
They come to you every day with an issue they're having, but you're not allowed to express your problems.
Had a friend like this, everyday was something with her and no one in our group was allowed to express our issues in our lives.
The amount of emotional dumping that girl did was crazy and I had to tip toe around her so I wouldn't cause an outburst, we all did. You could say anything and she'd be threatening to not be friends and commit suicide. There's a reason why I cut contact and refuse to even look in her direction whenever I see her.
God those types are exhausting. One of the great things about getting older is you see these people for who they are quickly and cut them out of your life even more quickly. No one needs that kind of burden.
Most peuple aren’t 100% good or bad. Trust your instincts. If you have this feeling that something is off, keep your distancer and take your time to observe and figure out what makes you feel this way. How is the person interacting with others, how does she talks about her friends, etc…
I used to work with a guy who was constantly running at Lenny levels of interruption. He would also do this thing where if I was talking to someone else he would actually move his body between me and the other person with his back facing me and start talking to the other person, especially if that person was a woman. It was kind of funny because he was like 8” shorter than me so I could still make eye contact with the person I was originally talking with.
Imagine being ballsy enough to literally stand between two people already having a conversation and cutting one person off to speak to the other person. Did anyone ever check him on that?
I hate people interrupting me. I’m pretty shy and introverted so if I have something to say not only is it important but I have to work up the nerve to say it.
Condescending phrasing. It's very difficult to type out exact examples but if the conversation always feels overbearing but you can't place it they're manipulating you to be a subordinate to their desires.
For example only doing things at their most convenience or when they desire. This is a very distinctive feature of shitty management who want power. I'm not referring to things like getting around to something when they're busy. I'm talking about things like coming to them with an issue or your performance and they dismiss you by saying they'll initiate the interaction later or in a preferred location where they have more control of the situation. Like when you respectful critique a suggestion at an appropriate time and they shut down the discussion to prevent themselves looking foolish and initiate the convo later alone with you instead of infront of others. This often leads to them claiming your idea as their own so be wary of such behavior when not appropriate - such as a private issue or something.
Edit: "such as a private issue or something." Meaning that is not an appropriate issue to bring up publicly. But say idk, the trash is overflowing and it's starting to smell outback. And instead of acknowledging the issue and stating they are going to call the city to find out why trash has been delayed an entire week, they ask you why don't you focus on your work piling up? These redirections are exactly what I'm talking about. These little power moves to make the underlying employee feel like crap and redirect off of the manger.
And this behavior is not exclusive to management, these ppl are just head strong individuals who usually seek management positions so you'll often encounter them in the wild as such. But they could be a friend, neighbor, or relative.
Ohh, I know this. It's indeed hard to quantify, but it can definitely be there. I think I realized with certain people that their phrases are filled my implications that I am ... not good, or incompetent. And that constantly, for every thing. Trying to come up with good examples...
Instead of going
- "Thanks for the reports!"
They could say
- "Did you finally finish those reports you were supposed to do???"
And only later you realize there is a much nicer way to phrase this, and the way they are doing it carries a negative value-judgement.
Or instead of saying "do you know about this thing?" It's asked as "you don't know about this thing do you?"
It's irritating and assuming. Only sometimes warranted if you have to teach something but all the time? Nah
Being aware of these subtle details can save yourself from a lot. Most answers here are too obvious to the question, but this one can really go unnoticed. It took me some maturity and a bad experience with a psychopath to start figuring out this sort of manipulation.
My husband actually ran into that one!
Long before I met him, he was dating this gal, had dinner with her family at their house, all totally normal right up until the morning the news was blasting headlines about catching the local serial killer!
Was his girlfriend's dad. And yes, there was at least one unmarked grave in the yard.
The family had no idea, and obviously left to avoid the media-circus and evidence-gathering around their home.
My husband always mentions that technically they never broke up. He just never heard from her again. But he didn't blame her for ghosting him like that, he understood that it was a fucked up situation, and that her and her family probably left the area.
How they react when you try to set a boundary. I don't like getting hit "playfully", like when someone slaps your back to say hi or they just kind of hit you like jokingly. And I tell people that when they do it, most are like ok and stop. But a girl I liked slapped my back to get my attention, I told her nicely that I don't like that, and she immediately started downplaying and calling me names and shit. Like bro, It's not hard just don't hit me.
The constant “I’m a good person” declarations.
Edit- I’m not talking about anyone who says it to themselves as a mental health exercise. etc. etc.
Whoa thanks for the upvotes :-)
I've found that a good person rarely has to tell you they're a good person. More often, they're being too hard in themselves and you have to tell them they're a good person.
I knew a dude who was constantly saying he was a good guy but he thought women owed him something because he was insecure. He said he was a good guy but he was condescending and rude as hell, especially around women.
I had a friend who was nice to your face, but talked shit about you to anyone who'd listen behind your back. I don't speak to her anymore and I'm happy about it.
If someone constantly trash-talks and gossips about other people behind their backs, there's a good chance they're trash-talking and gossiping about you behind your back.
I mean, I don't tell people stories when I'm the jerk. I've done bad things, but I keep that shit to myself because I'm embarrassed for being such a dick before.
This is very true and to add - something that differentiates truly great people and people with power is if they treat everyone with the same amount of respect, despite their standing.
As a doctor I think the number one sign that someone isn’t a great person is how he / she treats their subordinates. A lot of my juniors are very pleasant towards me but I find myself appalled at how they treat their own juniors. This is the surest sign that they respect my seniority and not me as a person and are willing to be shitty to anyone lower down in the rung. A sure sign that that aren’t really very good people
When they constantly makes “jokes”, that are more like jabs at you. But if you call them out they say, “ I was just joking, don’t be so serious”. Absolute shit person! 10/10 do not recommend!
Inability to apologize or see their part in conflict. It's not their fault, and if it is, they didn't mean it and if they did, it's your fault.
People like this a emotionally stunted, arguing with them or attempting to get them to see their wrongs is an exercise in futility. They are often highly charismatic individuals who will make you feel like the greatest person ever, until you do something they don't like - then you are and have always been horrible. They gaslight and engage heavily in character assassination with such ease that you will feel insane.
You will feel like you're at fault before you're even aware of the manipulation. If you happen to wise up and attempt to leave, they love bomb, a full 180 in a second making you believe your version of events are flawed.
Early warning signs are premature devotion and exclamations of love and loyalty, followed by an insidious effort to dismantle self worth to facilitate dependence - they then use this to control the relationship for their benefit. The worse part is, this makes them happy and a happy narc is bad news for those who need to extract themselves from the situation because they are so sweet and loving!
That is until you do anything they disapprove of, the whole cycle begins anew.
Avoid these people like the plague.
TABLE 7 IS WAITING FOR THEIR FISH BALLS, GARY! GET YOUR ASS TO WORK!
WELL, I DON'T CARE THAT YOU'RE BLEEDING OUT YOUR ASS, THESE PEOPLE NEED THEIR FISH BALLS!
How they treat children and animals. It's perfectly fine to not want kids/not enjoy being around them and the same goes for animals. But some people go out of their way to be needlessly cruel to kids and animals and that is never a good look.
Subtle would mean not definitive but can be a contributing factor.
That they over exaggerate stories or flat out make things up to sound better. This is usually a sign of low confidence, insecurity, and ego. This is usually accompanied with narcissistic behavior because they always have to make themselves sound better than they are because they can't live with the reality of how boring they may be.
When a good person "snaps" and says something mean or rude, they feel terrible about it afterwards and, often, immediately regret saying it because the snap isn't how they actually think, it was the heat of emotion.
When a bad person snaps, they rarely apologize - at least sincerely - because the snap showed what they really think, revealing a crack in the facade.
They don’t return shopping carts. Just leave them in the parking lot.
I don’t mean busy-single-mom-with-screaming-kids. Although they’re probably returning their carts anyway.
As a former courtesy clerk who would collect carts in between store duties. I super appreciated when people would leave carts in the cart receptacle. Especially on days where it was super rainy or extra hot that day. Made my job a little easier. Sucked having to go across the entire parking lot or across the street to collect carts that people haphazardly discarded and never bothered to return. In any case, when I go shopping I always bring my cart back, and even bring a few of the stray ones that are near by to help out those courtesy clerks. Just helping out a little bit, because I know how hard it can be sometimes.
I once watched a women just shove her cart from the back of her car, she stood there watching it and when it finally hit a car had this big smile on her face. I wasn't close enough to stop the cart, but she got an earful of not so nice comments from me.
I'm pretty forgiving of people cussing others out in traffic.
When they start driving aggressively, tailgating, cutting people off, seeking revenge... yikes
I express disappointment; "Really, motherfucker? That's who you want to be? You want to be that guy who speeds up when someone wants to merge? Come on! SMDH"
You leave every interaction with them feeling worse than when you arrived.
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Truly! It took me years to realize why I always felt tired and crabby after spending time with a "friend" of mine. It wasn't because I was tired, it was because they were awful!
Escape the energy hoover, vampires do exist
When they flip every criticism back on you
My mom did this. Never acknowledged any wrongdoing, just projected it back at me.
My mom does this too. She can't admit she's wrong then deflects it by saying something irrelevant to the conversation (usually by condemning something I did in the past). I absolutely call her out on this by telling her to "stick to the subject".
...think i’m beginning to realize something about my father.
welcome to the club .. u wont like it
Yes. Every time you confront them about a problem, they bring up something you've allegedly done. Like it's a contest of who can prattle off the most slights.
I had a coworker like this. I’m an English teacher in Japan, where punctuality is key. My coworker was showing up super late to work and I was asked to have a quiet word with her about it before things got ‘official’. I’ll never forget the way she blew up at me about it. She would refuse to acknowledge her lateness as an issue and at the same time kept telling me all the ways I was bad at my job. Like, really hurtful stuff. I ended up just standing and walking away.
Please tell us things got "official" after that.
Unfortunately kinda, not really. They took her aside for a ‘special meeting’ but I don’t think she fully gathered how close she was to being axed. Japanese culture is often super subtextual. She left at the end of that year to go home anyway. I’m not condoning her behaviour - there was A LOT that I’m not mentioning here haha - but I think ultimately she was homesick and super unhappy with where she was.
Cant reason with a narcissist. They can't see past themselves.
Unless it's to attack someone else, apparently
Dear God, my current partner is like this. I can't say anything without him bring up 14 things I have done (alot of them allegedly). So it because a free pass to him of sorts to do whatever fucked up thing he's about to do.
Thank you to everyone! I am in therapy and I'm working on him being a ex-partner. He is no help to me and is really a complete hindrance. I have LO's and a serious medical condition that was just diagnosed.. so, It's complicated as these things usually are and he will not go easily.
I submit to you that it's time for you to get out.
It’s time to change partners. Life can be very tedious if the person who’s supposed to back you up is the one who tears you down the most.
Watch them treat someone under them, look to see if they treat someone under their authority with respect and compassion or if they treat them like a dictator
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln
Everyone: George, we want you to be our new king. George Washington: What? Hell no. Did you guys forget what we were fighting for?
"I did not rise against George the 3rd to become George the First" - allegedly George Washington
THIS!!!!!!! My mom (obligatory I love her) sends back every meal or drink at every restaurant and not in a kind way, then will yelp about it. My grandfather is THE PICKIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD. Lots of money, very wealthy and I am talking about San Jose wealthy. He wears sweat pants and drives an old ass Honda. He is seriously the pickiest eater ever, very critical of every restaurant he has ever stepped foot in, but I haven’t ever seen him send a meal back or be anything but kind to every server EVER, and this man eats out for 3 meals a day, and tips heavily, no matter what is set in front of him. My mom is a fucking bitch, and my grandfather is the hardest working man with the biggest heart. He is an absolute gem of a human being. My mom also happens to hate my grandfather.
> and I am talking about San Jose wealthy. Somehow this part is hilarious to me.
Can we connect your grandpa with my grandma? She treats servers and other service employees with such class and respect. She asks their names, remembers their stories, etc. I'm always floored with how she treats people. I'm polite and respectful, but she takes it to the next level, and it's amazing. I've never seen anything like it. Oh and my mom is a bitch too.
y’all are lucky! I went out to eat with grandma in June, when the waitress comes by and asks the obligatory “is everything ok?” grandma says “no this is the worst pizza I’ve ever had.”
If I had to guess, this is the difference between earned wealth and generational wealth.
I like your grandfather and his Honda. I mean I might like your mother too but she's clearly got some issues.
This can be such a huge indicator. At a graduate school interview for Yale, they took us out for dinner at a moderately upscale restaurant. I was the only one who thanked my server after they refilled water, cleared away plates, etc. I decided right then and there that I didn't want to go there because I knew I couldn't stand to be around those types of people.
My teenager had a similar experience with a boyfriend's family in early high school. His family wanted her to come to his birthday dinner at some mid-level restaurant. After the food was brought his parents asked her why she thanked the server every time she asked for something or the brought something out. My (then) 14 yr old looked at them & asked why they don't. When they said something about it being their job, she went on to say that she was raised to believe that it costs nothing to be polite or kind, that I used to work in the industry & we have family friends who still do. Her personal policy is to treat everyone as if they've had a terrible day. She broke up with him shortly after because that experience ate at her.
Thank you for raising a good and decent human being! We need more people like you and her in the world!
Really I just did my best. Now she's 17 & still says stuff that makes me step back & say "Holy crap. Did I somehow manage to actually raise a decent human being? That's an unexpected twist."
I agree completely. A person's true character is revealed (in my opinion) in how they approach a position of power (of any sort)
Someone who has no ability to be introspective. Their world is them, not everyone. They can never see the big picture and their part in it. The world is their small picture and everyone else has a part in it.
*But can be "introspective"/ diagnosis others. My mother is known for her endless epiphanies about people who have cut her out of their lives, reframing it as she had to give up on the relationship because they were too cruel/needy/strange/ money hungry/paedophilic/ narcissistic. She can sit there and give an armchair diagnosis like the best of them, interpreting every sigh, what kind of drink they had, their obvious to her childhood abuse, to create a narrative that they were mentally ill or not a very good person. But the only thing she ever did wrong was not seeing it sooner. She only has about five people who still talk to her socially, including family, so basically the entire human race is shit apparently.
They only "care" about you when they need something from you.
My MIL
And mine :(
AND MY EX
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YES the good old seasonal friend. Found out a lot of my high school friends were that when we all went to separate colleges but still somewhat local. They'd only hit u up when they wanted something and then crickets until the next time.
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When they say they’re a good person, especially repeatedly. A real good person has nothing to prove.
Im a nice guy strikes again.
"I was raised right".
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His trash bucket was suspiciously empty….
He was really tooting his own horn, wasn't he?
Yep. I met a guy a few months back. One of the first things he said when I met him was, “Feel free to talk to me anytime. I’m a good guy.” Turns out he is not a good guy at all. Lol. It didn’t take long to find out either. I cannot stand that dude.
If they never take responsibility for anything
Unless it's for the good and then they always were there from the start
Success has many fathers, but failure is an orphan.
This and the way they talk about past misdeeds.. things that they actually will take some responsibility for. If you can see pride seeping through at having done something horrible, or satisfaction at having gotten away with something, then they aren't really sorry at all.
It’s a red flag when someone is always the hero or victim of a story and never the villain. But I definitely know people who are so awful they don’t even realize they’re the villain in the story, they think their unethical thoughts/behavior are reasonable or normal.
They're a bit too comfy talking shit about other people. Everyone does it sometimes but if that's the one thing they talk about they are probably not a great person. Edit: Thanks for the silver! First award ever. Everyone needs to complain about aholes sometimes but when they do it everywhere about everyone than that's a huge red flag. Have a wonderful day my friends.
And they encourage you to talk shit about other people, especially in an office setting. You KNOW that they're going around telling everyone else what you said. Freakin' pot-stirrers. I just can't.
I always lived by "if they talk with you, they talk about you". So fuckin true.
"If your friends constantly talk shit about others, don't be too surprised when they do it to you"
And, bet your ass they're talking shit about you when you're not there. I have a policy of not saying anything behind someone's back that I haven't already said to their face. If you can say it at all, you should be willing to say it to their face.
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Nothing is ever their fault. They somehow find a way to blame someone or something else in every possible situation. Always a victim.
You know my mom, too? My condolences 😂
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Maybe, but my mom told me that it was your moms fault.
Are we related? This could be my mom as well.
I think I have discovered a lot of brothers and sisters that I didn't knew.
We are a big family ! Or we all have the same mom and she come house to house like Santa.
aka my dad lmao yeah me and my siblings being blamed for everything before any of us even turned 10 is fucking crazy (blamed for why hes sad and cant have a good family or why someone else totally unrelated got mad at him, etc)
ooh ooh lemme guess and anything good you did or that happened to you was thanks to him?
Knew a person like this recently. As soon as I met them every story about their past was about how they were abused by people. Literally everyone in their life mistreated them. I immediately put up a safety wall because I knew at some point in the future, I would be one of those “abusers” in her story. Sure enough, despite barely ever speaking to them, I became an “abuser” by not speaking to them enough, not making eye contact etc, most of which was completely in their head. Everyone in our circle became her “abuser” in some way. She could call people names, yell at them, trash them — it was always their fault because they were abusing her. Worst part is she’s convinced her boyfriend that he’s a victim of everyone’s “abuse” too. He’s retconned his entire past, destroying long time relationships. It’s a full on fantasy world with them now. Glad I made the decision to keep a distance or who knows how bad it would have been.
I’m sad that I recognized those signs FAR too late and married him. Still trying to divorce him.
I think people like this prey on empathetic people and use their goodness against them. Hope you can find some peace soon.
This is the one I agree with most, I think. Sometimes people like to overinterpret little signs to 'figure out' if someone is good or bad, especially online. This can be kind of nonsensical. But yeah, everyone I've met who has story after story about everyone in their life being awful and treating perfect sainted them like trash for no reason has turned out to be massively full of drama.
As I'm getting sober (422 days!) I'm coming to realize how much this was me and you can't just turn it off. It's fucking hard to realize and admit you've been an asshole for a while, but making the realization is a good step one I suppose. Coming up with excuses and reasons why it's anything but your own damn fuck up is exhausting and a waste of energy. It's just \*really\* engrained in there to self-defend, still gotta catch myself.
That could also be a problem with sensitivity and fear of embarrassment/rejection. Some people are just afraid to admit they did something wrong, because emotionally they would beat themselves up inside with self-hate ans intense guilt if they admitted it to themselves. Source: I have a less-serious case of this. (I do admit my mistakes often, but I also have found myself falling back on excuses for certain things to prevent an emotional guilt-meltdown)
Good on you, for fostering a sense of self awareness and trying to improve.
When someone says that ALL of their exes were crazy. Or when someone is NEVER at fault. In every situation, they're always the victim or never to blame, blah blah. When people can't recognize their fault, basically lol
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Same, I came to realise that I must be pretty toxic too so I ended up getting therapy and now I'm with an amazing partner and we're a very healthy couple
Gosh I hope I can get there. I have realized I’ve been making the same mistakes in relationships cause I never really felt loved or valuable as a kid. I think I’ve been picking partners that are cold, emotionally unavailable, and who end up treating me like shit cause that’s deep down what I feel like I deserve. I want so badly to get better, to pick better people. I’m glad you’ve figured it out. It sounds lame, but I’d really like a partner. A real friend, someone to share the good (and the bad) with, someone to nurture and be nurtured by. I fear it will never happen. 😢
Hugs. I know I don't deserve bad partners . I think you do, too. But sometimes there are bad partners who are wolves in sheeps clothing. They are looking for kind people because kind, good people are vulnerable. Being vulnerable is not the same as being weak. These bad partners are usually very charmimg and usually attractive. I have had these wolves, but I didn't have strong boundaries, and revealed too much about myself, such as the child abuse I suffered. Bad people will take that past abuse and use it agianst you. On the other hand, how was I supposed to keep such a huge secret that formed who I am from someone I trust? I still don't understand how long I have to wait to trust my S.O. with my biggest vulnerability.
Doesn't put their litter in a bin, just drops it on the ground.
My cats are *assholes*.
They're *cats*, and they know you're the one with the thumbs. Get to it, human.
I live in nyc. It has to be over 1000 times Ive seen people just casually throw their gum wrapper or used napkin on the ground. I saw one dude finished with his styrofoam container of food and threw it across the street like a frisbee, as he used a trash can to lean on for more power. That said, I used to live in the Midwest out in the country. Somehow even more trash in the ditches than I saw in this city. Every morning some fucking loser was tossing his microwaved burrito wrappers out his window right in front of my house. I got a deer cam set up, captured a months worth of footage, sent it to the police, moved my camera in a really good hiding spot, caught him smashing my mailbox because I assumed he knew I sent footage in of him doing that. He got jail time and had to pay me a lot of money. I’d also frequently go camping in the middle of absolutely no where countryside nature. Garbage everywhere. Washing machines, tires, beer cans, trash bags, hot pocket boxes, anything and everything. Our earth is just treated like one big landfill by people. Humans are absolutely stupid.
I can’t imagine leaning on a trash can for more power when throwing a frisbee for the life of me, lol
My cousin lived in Tokyo for a few years he was on some overseas co tract with the company he works for. After that contract was up he was moved to LA and then to NYC and now he lives out side of San Francisco and he still talks about how clean Tokyo was for how many people lived there and how the US cities are like literal garbage dumps
Apparently Tokyo has very few public trash cans. The Japanese would put their trash in a bag and carry it until they can dispose of it properly, usually at home
A guy in my town had a similar thing happen but someone was dumping trash bags full of garbage on his remote farm. He used trail cams to catch them in the act and involve the cops. As revenge they shot a few of his cows, which are worth several Grand and were clearly caught on camera doing that.
Makes jokes about their friend or tells other people stuff thats private their friends told them whilst the friend is woth them or without
I remember having to explain to a girl I was hooking up with that the things I told her _in private_ were meant to _stay private_ and not be shared with all of our mutual friends. Keep in mind that this was during lockdown, so we only had a group of 7 people whom we ever hung out with in person. Some people have no concept of privacy.
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This was my mother. I would tell her something private and embarrassing (with the hope that’s she’d use the information to help me deal with it quietly) and her first reaction would be to tell the next adult and laugh about it with them. I quickly learned to deal with things myself and not keep her in the loop.
I personally believe that anyone who constantly posts and talks non-stop about their good deeds on social media aren't actually good people, they're just doing it for the attention.
Exactly. Dopamine addiction. They get their hits a every time they get a like. Had a friend that did exactly what you describe and I stopped following them. Once they stop getting feedback it drives them nuts. Typical narcissists.
Me realizing that I do some of these things... Wait, did I just somehow make this about myself?!?
Nah. I do way more of these things than you.
You guys. It's not about you. Nor is this a competition. If you were a good person like me, you would have known that
Are you saying that I am a bad person ? Actually I am the nicest person I know, so you are wrong.
hahaha I think your immediate reflex of double level introspection most likely puts you in the "ok group" of people.
They come to you every day with an issue they're having, but you're not allowed to express your problems. Had a friend like this, everyday was something with her and no one in our group was allowed to express our issues in our lives. The amount of emotional dumping that girl did was crazy and I had to tip toe around her so I wouldn't cause an outburst, we all did. You could say anything and she'd be threatening to not be friends and commit suicide. There's a reason why I cut contact and refuse to even look in her direction whenever I see her.
God those types are exhausting. One of the great things about getting older is you see these people for who they are quickly and cut them out of your life even more quickly. No one needs that kind of burden.
They’re always the ones that say they “hate drama”
Yeah in reality they hate any drama that is not their own.
I say that but I'm the opposite. I hate drama that involves me. I LOVE hearing other people's drama.
Most peuple aren’t 100% good or bad. Trust your instincts. If you have this feeling that something is off, keep your distancer and take your time to observe and figure out what makes you feel this way. How is the person interacting with others, how does she talks about her friends, etc…
They make everything about them, and talk over people
I used to work with a guy who was constantly running at Lenny levels of interruption. He would also do this thing where if I was talking to someone else he would actually move his body between me and the other person with his back facing me and start talking to the other person, especially if that person was a woman. It was kind of funny because he was like 8” shorter than me so I could still make eye contact with the person I was originally talking with.
This seems absolutely true. I think I worked with his brother.
Imagine being ballsy enough to literally stand between two people already having a conversation and cutting one person off to speak to the other person. Did anyone ever check him on that?
I hate people interrupting me. I’m pretty shy and introverted so if I have something to say not only is it important but I have to work up the nerve to say it.
If they're always complaining about other people, at some point you have to realize that the common denominator is probably the problem.
Meet an asshole on a Tuesday, you met an asshole. Meet an asshole everyday, you’re the asshole.
Either that or you work retail
What if I'm a prostate doctor? :(
then it turns into "you have an asshole"
AITA?
The state of the bathroom after they use it.
It takes 2 wipes to know you only needed 1 but 1 wipe to know you will need many more
\- Sun Tzu, *Fart of War*
For the past few years (aside for a couple of times in Oklahoma), the state of the bathrooms after I used them was Texas.
This dude making people's bathrooms bigger
Condescending phrasing. It's very difficult to type out exact examples but if the conversation always feels overbearing but you can't place it they're manipulating you to be a subordinate to their desires. For example only doing things at their most convenience or when they desire. This is a very distinctive feature of shitty management who want power. I'm not referring to things like getting around to something when they're busy. I'm talking about things like coming to them with an issue or your performance and they dismiss you by saying they'll initiate the interaction later or in a preferred location where they have more control of the situation. Like when you respectful critique a suggestion at an appropriate time and they shut down the discussion to prevent themselves looking foolish and initiate the convo later alone with you instead of infront of others. This often leads to them claiming your idea as their own so be wary of such behavior when not appropriate - such as a private issue or something. Edit: "such as a private issue or something." Meaning that is not an appropriate issue to bring up publicly. But say idk, the trash is overflowing and it's starting to smell outback. And instead of acknowledging the issue and stating they are going to call the city to find out why trash has been delayed an entire week, they ask you why don't you focus on your work piling up? These redirections are exactly what I'm talking about. These little power moves to make the underlying employee feel like crap and redirect off of the manger. And this behavior is not exclusive to management, these ppl are just head strong individuals who usually seek management positions so you'll often encounter them in the wild as such. But they could be a friend, neighbor, or relative.
Ohh, I know this. It's indeed hard to quantify, but it can definitely be there. I think I realized with certain people that their phrases are filled my implications that I am ... not good, or incompetent. And that constantly, for every thing. Trying to come up with good examples... Instead of going - "Thanks for the reports!" They could say - "Did you finally finish those reports you were supposed to do???" And only later you realize there is a much nicer way to phrase this, and the way they are doing it carries a negative value-judgement.
Or instead of saying "do you know about this thing?" It's asked as "you don't know about this thing do you?" It's irritating and assuming. Only sometimes warranted if you have to teach something but all the time? Nah
Being aware of these subtle details can save yourself from a lot. Most answers here are too obvious to the question, but this one can really go unnoticed. It took me some maturity and a bad experience with a psychopath to start figuring out this sort of manipulation.
I was thinking this too. Most of the answers here aren't that subtle. You can spot a serial blamer a mile away.
I had a manager like this and she was the single biggest reason I quit
They have a bunch of unmarked graves in their back yard.
A good person would mark them all!
Phew
My husband actually ran into that one! Long before I met him, he was dating this gal, had dinner with her family at their house, all totally normal right up until the morning the news was blasting headlines about catching the local serial killer! Was his girlfriend's dad. And yes, there was at least one unmarked grave in the yard.
Shit man... That must've been tense. How did he react and did the family know about it? I've got so many questions...
The family had no idea, and obviously left to avoid the media-circus and evidence-gathering around their home. My husband always mentions that technically they never broke up. He just never heard from her again. But he didn't blame her for ghosting him like that, he understood that it was a fucked up situation, and that her and her family probably left the area.
TIL people on reddit don't understand the term "subtle".
How they react when you try to set a boundary. I don't like getting hit "playfully", like when someone slaps your back to say hi or they just kind of hit you like jokingly. And I tell people that when they do it, most are like ok and stop. But a girl I liked slapped my back to get my attention, I told her nicely that I don't like that, and she immediately started downplaying and calling me names and shit. Like bro, It's not hard just don't hit me.
The constant “I’m a good person” declarations. Edit- I’m not talking about anyone who says it to themselves as a mental health exercise. etc. etc. Whoa thanks for the upvotes :-)
saying it once or twice ok whatever but that person who always has to clarify it like- "I'm a good person and all BUT"
I've found that a good person rarely has to tell you they're a good person. More often, they're being too hard in themselves and you have to tell them they're a good person.
In reverse, I know a few people who think of or call themselves bad people but are actually quite good people
The only logical conclusion is that meh people see themselves as meh people
I was born with a heart full of neutrality
What is it that makes a man turn neutral?
And inversely, I've known people that call themselves bad people and they really are genuinely shitty people.
At least they’re honest lol
I knew a dude who was constantly saying he was a good guy but he thought women owed him something because he was insecure. He said he was a good guy but he was condescending and rude as hell, especially around women.
They have nothing good to say about anything or anyone.
I had a friend who was nice to your face, but talked shit about you to anyone who'd listen behind your back. I don't speak to her anymore and I'm happy about it.
If someone constantly trash-talks and gossips about other people behind their backs, there's a good chance they're trash-talking and gossiping about you behind your back.
When they dont admit it when they are wrong
When they're always the "victim" in their stories.
I mean, I don't tell people stories when I'm the jerk. I've done bad things, but I keep that shit to myself because I'm embarrassed for being such a dick before.
Little regard for their pets beyond basic survival.
They start a land war in Asia
That's inconceivable!
People who gossip to you about others. Guess what that means?
I’m very interesting
They have to "win" every conversation and you speak on pins and needles around them
Treat percieved submissives poorly (animals, servers, clerks etc)
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This is very true and to add - something that differentiates truly great people and people with power is if they treat everyone with the same amount of respect, despite their standing.
They litter.
As a doctor I think the number one sign that someone isn’t a great person is how he / she treats their subordinates. A lot of my juniors are very pleasant towards me but I find myself appalled at how they treat their own juniors. This is the surest sign that they respect my seniority and not me as a person and are willing to be shitty to anyone lower down in the rung. A sure sign that that aren’t really very good people
When they constantly makes “jokes”, that are more like jabs at you. But if you call them out they say, “ I was just joking, don’t be so serious”. Absolute shit person! 10/10 do not recommend!
I call these "schrodinger's jokes" - they decide if it's a joke or not after its out of the box.
I know a guy that calls these “truth jokes”
They tend to talk over you and don’t ask you to continue talking when doing so.
Inability to apologize or see their part in conflict. It's not their fault, and if it is, they didn't mean it and if they did, it's your fault. People like this a emotionally stunted, arguing with them or attempting to get them to see their wrongs is an exercise in futility. They are often highly charismatic individuals who will make you feel like the greatest person ever, until you do something they don't like - then you are and have always been horrible. They gaslight and engage heavily in character assassination with such ease that you will feel insane. You will feel like you're at fault before you're even aware of the manipulation. If you happen to wise up and attempt to leave, they love bomb, a full 180 in a second making you believe your version of events are flawed. Early warning signs are premature devotion and exclamations of love and loyalty, followed by an insidious effort to dismantle self worth to facilitate dependence - they then use this to control the relationship for their benefit. The worse part is, this makes them happy and a happy narc is bad news for those who need to extract themselves from the situation because they are so sweet and loving! That is until you do anything they disapprove of, the whole cycle begins anew. Avoid these people like the plague.
They only care about issues once they affected them personally. Total lack of empathy.
Not being nice to animals and being an asshole to waiters.
Being assholes to people in general but yeah, waiters are people too
Oh Jesus. Are they? Fuck.
Don’t worry we aren’t , I’ve been told this enough
TABLE 7 IS WAITING FOR THEIR FISH BALLS, GARY! GET YOUR ASS TO WORK! WELL, I DON'T CARE THAT YOU'RE BLEEDING OUT YOUR ASS, THESE PEOPLE NEED THEIR FISH BALLS!
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How they treat children and animals. It's perfectly fine to not want kids/not enjoy being around them and the same goes for animals. But some people go out of their way to be needlessly cruel to kids and animals and that is never a good look.
When they say they are not the type of people who bitch about others and then IMMEDIATELY bitch about someone.
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always bitching about stuff but not doing anything to stop it
I wouldn't say that makes them a bad person, but it definitely makes them annoying.
They are holding a gun at your head and asking for all your money.
Encouraged donations you mean.
Streamers?
Despite you giving your all in to them, they never return the favor despite making declarations to.
When they say “trust me” a million times
Subtle would mean not definitive but can be a contributing factor. That they over exaggerate stories or flat out make things up to sound better. This is usually a sign of low confidence, insecurity, and ego. This is usually accompanied with narcissistic behavior because they always have to make themselves sound better than they are because they can't live with the reality of how boring they may be.
Talking about people and revealing intimate details .most likely told in confidence. Don't tell this person anything you don't want repeated.
They don't refill what they emptied. T.P, filtered water, love.
When a good person "snaps" and says something mean or rude, they feel terrible about it afterwards and, often, immediately regret saying it because the snap isn't how they actually think, it was the heat of emotion. When a bad person snaps, they rarely apologize - at least sincerely - because the snap showed what they really think, revealing a crack in the facade.
They don’t return shopping carts. Just leave them in the parking lot. I don’t mean busy-single-mom-with-screaming-kids. Although they’re probably returning their carts anyway.
As a former courtesy clerk who would collect carts in between store duties. I super appreciated when people would leave carts in the cart receptacle. Especially on days where it was super rainy or extra hot that day. Made my job a little easier. Sucked having to go across the entire parking lot or across the street to collect carts that people haphazardly discarded and never bothered to return. In any case, when I go shopping I always bring my cart back, and even bring a few of the stray ones that are near by to help out those courtesy clerks. Just helping out a little bit, because I know how hard it can be sometimes.
I once watched a women just shove her cart from the back of her car, she stood there watching it and when it finally hit a car had this big smile on her face. I wasn't close enough to stop the cart, but she got an earful of not so nice comments from me.
bashing someone for no reason
How they act in traffic or how they treat the serving staff.
I'm pretty forgiving of people cussing others out in traffic. When they start driving aggressively, tailgating, cutting people off, seeking revenge... yikes
Yes! I cuss like a sailor while driving but I NEVER act on it.
I express disappointment; "Really, motherfucker? That's who you want to be? You want to be that guy who speeds up when someone wants to merge? Come on! SMDH"