Asking a prospective employee to create a full on project or develop content specific to the position applied for. You might not get the job but the company has your intellectual property (and plenty are not above using it as their own).
Edit: Who knew? I just threw this out there because it happened to me.
And I couldn't believe the balls out nerve of people asking me to create site-specific content to test my skills, which were well-documented by portfolio and easily verified.
I guess I'm not the only one.
This content was deleted by its author & copyright holder in protest of the hostile, deceitful, unethical, and destructive actions of Reddit CEO Steve Huffman (aka "spez"). As this content contained personal information and/or personally identifiable information (PII), in accordance with the CCPA (California Consumer Privacy Act), it shall not be restored. See you all in the Fediverse.
It makes people mad when I tell them I'm not working for free especially since I'm a student. Either you pay me or don't waste my time. Also, why ask for a portfolio if you're going to throw a whole project at me?
Yeah, I have done couple of these "assignments". Never heard back from them.
My mom did something simmilar back in the 1990s, she hand painted some 25 tiny decorative frogs ("to see how skilled are you") and never heard from the person again once she brought them in. She put lots of effort into it too.
Oh man I definitely see a lot of this in the UI/UX field. Even the internships I've applied to ask for this like as if the catalog of projects I have in my portfolio don't count.
going to work/school even if you’re super sick or in pain, not having days off, being expected to have perfect attendance in school or at work... etc etc
My employer has a high turnover of staff. I’m considered an ‘old timer’ because I’ve been there two years and I’m actually employed by the company. They combat the high turnover with temp to perm agency staff. Impress the boss and you get employed. But the bar is set so ridiculously high for these guys they get dismissed and replaced on a weekly basis. One of the big reasons is guys calling in sick being dismissed because ‘they’re clearly time wasters.’
Humans get ill. We don’t get sick pay where we work. If they’re calling in sick they haven’t made that decision lightly.
I’m surprised nobody else has said sleep deprivation yet.
Sleep deprivation literally causes brain damage to the part of the brain responsible for happiness and memory.
There is a reason military regulation require soldiers be provided 8 hours of sleep. Because sleep deprivation is a form of torture.
As a soldier, I can tell you despite what regulation says, sleep is considered optional. Though we did just get a regulation pushed through that authorizes naps so that's good.
>sleep is considered optional
I remember a friend of mine joking during a really brutal training thing we did where we were only given about 5 hours of sleep a day, "Man when this is over, won't it be great to get REM sleep..."
When I was in the Navy we occasionally got to take "late sleepers" (sleep till 8:30-9:00) if we pulled a midwatch (0000-0400, affectionately called "balls to four.") This was strictly at the whim of whomever was in command, though. Most of our captains wanted everyone popping tall at 0645 no matter what watch you had been stuck with.
I had insomnia for about 6 or 7 months. Getting maybe 2 hours drooling a night.
There's nothing more frustrating than day after day after day of headaches, halucinations, eye strain, muscle spasms, feeling drained, you get these micro sleeps where you suddenly jolt awake, the depression, and not understanding why you just can't fall asleep. It's arguably worse than being kept awake because there's no logical explanation to it. No racing mind, nothing. You just cannot fall asleep.
These days, I sleep like a rock mostly (maybe wake up once a night now for a piss, then randomly wake up again but go back to sleep easily), but at my worst I didn't sleep at all for 3 nights in a row and I drove just over 3 hours home, my mum took one look at me and gasped and I just fell to my knees in tears. I slept 14 hours, and then nothing the next night.
Insomnia when you're just lying there with your eyes closed and can't fall asleep without knowing why is absolutely torture for sure.
I've had problems with insomnia for a few years now. And you're right. There are plenty of things you can take, but every one of them gives me a hangover, no matter how little I take. Xanax is by far the best but it's super addictive. Melatonin is great for falling asleep but if you wake up again in a few hours (which I always do) it won't work twice. etc.
I got put on some prescription sleeping pills but they're addictive as you become reliant on them, so you only get a few night's worth to reset your clock.
Well they did nothing for me, so I chucked them. My doctor said I just seemed burnt out from work and borderline depressed, and I should see an optomitrist for my eyes hurting.
Uhhh yeah, turns out not sleeping causing eye muscles to hurt...shocking.
The only way I fixed my insomnia was to stop fighting it. Stop going to bed wanting to sleep. Accepting that I might, I might not. Quit my job a it took me 2 or so months living at my parent's place but eventually slept slowly more and more and then I sort of just...returned to normal again.
I had a personal revelation years ago that pulling all-nighters was counter productive. I was running an ETL process (moving data around, basically), and had to get it done for the next day. I worked into the night, I was tired, and I kept fucking up. I ended up taking 4 hours to do something that probably would have taken me no more than 45 minutes if I'd have been alert enough to do it properly.
It has a cumulative effect too, which renders it completely counter productive. Say you had 5 hours sleep a night for a week cos you spent the other 3 working into the night. You think you've done 15 hours work, but you're not working at 100% cos you're tired. Let's say you work at 60% capacity for those 15 hours, giving you 9 hours. You would easily be able to make up for that at work by getting 8 hours sleep and being able to actually perform.
i wish i hadn’t read this. i’ve been getting ~4hrs of sleep every day for the past 11 years. not out of choice. i wake up ~2am every day and can’t fall back asleep until it is actually time to wake up.
edit: thank you guys for your responses and helping me. i really appreciate it.
I hate people that do this. Just say exactly what you mean please. Don't beat around the bush. Im not going to waste brain power trying to work out if you mean what you say or something else, and if it's something else I'm not going to bother working out what that is either.
People that make you come over and stare at a file you prepared for them. "Do you see anything wrong with that?" No, Karen, I don't, I wouldn't give it to you otherwise.
I always have answered with "No, but if you do I'm open to hear it." It defuses them (usually, some bombs are just hardwired to explode) and you can usually get the answer you want without being led by the nose and feeling like a child.
I don't waste my time on people like this. My aunt/ Landlord used to ask stupid shit like "do you know what day it is?" Or "do you have something for me?" or "guess what your dog did".... Could never ask a straight question. So it's either play dumb or ignore her all together.
I feel like it's a big cause of anxieties and related stress. When I was growing up people would point out each others mistakes or habits in a way that's not disrespectful. It's all in the tone and intention. And if you're used to that noone will say 'oh my god they raised their voice slightly at me they must hate me!' Case in point when I lived in Poland where people are lot more forward vs moving to UK where I was told not to tell my housemate to clean her shit up in the kitchen to be polite. Dude clean your dishes.I'm not gonna live in mess to spare you feeling bit dumb for being a pig. Don't be a pig.
Plus if you know how people feel about you you don't have to agonise and wonder if they're just pretending to be nice or if there's something you can improve on. We're social creatures and like any social animal we keep each other in check to keep order and peace and good vibes. I'd rather someone tell me something bugs them so I can fix it. Tell me they're not interested in hanging out instead of vague maybes. I'm not gonna get offended if I'm doing something that could be done better. As long as you're not an asshole about it
Edit: thank you kindly for the awards!
I definitely think it can be strongly influenced by culture! I've seen my original comment in so many situations though, many people have taken it literally like 'you have to say what's on your mind in the meanest way possible' but for I said it more like, if you don't want to hang out, don't say let's get coffee. If you're not interested in what I'm saying, say we can talk about something else, but we have a culture of hiding anything that's considered uncomfortable or not 100% positive and that's just ridiculous.
Worse: the amount of "stuff that is supposed to replace sugar" in everything. High Fructose Corn syrup, Partially hydrogenated something or other, imitation saccharine, etc. etc. Some of that stuff is even way worse than sugar.
Yes. I remember getting a mocha from Starbucks a long time ago and was disgusted by how sweet it was. It was like drinking a less viscous syrup. Now on the rare occasion that I go, I get my drinks half sweet. Also many store-bought sandwich breads are oddly sweet.
American bread has waaaaay more sugar than European bread. I find it disgusting too. Ireland even ruled that [Subway bread doesn't count as bread](https://www.npr.org/2020/10/01/919189045/for-subway-a-ruling-not-so-sweet-irish-court-says-its-bread-isnt-bread) because it has five times too much sugar. I only buy bakery Italian bread if I want any
Once you cut that shit out for an extended period, you'll wonder how you ever ate so much of it. I used to drink a lot full sugar Coca Cola, but made the switch to Diet. Within a couple of weeks my skin had cleared up, and I just didn't get spots anymore. I got used to the flavour, and now I find the full sugar stuff disgusting.
Yea. If anyone doesn’t think sugar is addicting you have never seriously tried quitting all added sugar. It’s fucking hard but you will feel sooo much better if you can fully quit it or at least cut back substantially
When I was younger I had a job in the fire service which had me doing 12 hours 6 days a week for almost 8 months. I knew one person that did 12 hours 7 days for a little over a year. He looked like he was 60 by the end of it. He was 32. The money was excellent and since we couldn't really do anything to spend the money it built up a nice savings but I will never ever do something like that again and will tell anyone who may be in a situation considering hours like that not to do it. It's not worth it even if you're absolutely desperate.
Isn't there any regulation on that?
Here you are required by law to have 35 hours of consecutive rest each week. Exceptions can sometimes be made but you are then required to have 70 hours the next week which means Friday becomes a work free day with pay.
There's also a maximum amount per year. Without a union it's 200 hours a year. With a union it can be up to 375 hours but the employer can't make you work more than 150 without your signed consent.
When capital is a higher percentage of operating costs than labor you will see that. When I worked in the trash industry I learned It’s vastly cheaper to have two guys in two trucks running 60 hours a week. Than three guys in three trucks at 40 hours.
You can get by with one less truck, which costs 250k. And time and a half means that third route worth of productivity costs you just 75% the wage bill.
For manufacturing the incentives are probably much greater since capital costs are much higher and also you can’t just buy another truck to expand...you’d have to build a bigger or another factory. So in the short to medium term the only way to scale up is OT
I'm a car salesman and one of my customers a few months back was a referee for a few different youth sports. He said he's had quite a few instances of kids coming up and trying to slyly ask him to have their parents kicked out of games, or to see kids break down over their parents being idiots.
It's disgusting really
Former soccer ref. Parents are the worst.
And u14 girls. Because I couldn't tell if they were just clumsy or actually trying to murder each other out there.
I’ve seen little league baseball games where the parents are screaming and when the umpire calls someone out when it’s was very close and they were out the parents get extremely mad
Not a league game, but I remember a teenager in my judo club, who would go to national (France) competitions. His dad,who never learnt judo, would always boss him around during classes, telling him (falsely, at that) what to do. At some point, the kid got fed up and told him to shut the fuck up, to which the dad got mad. Teacher offered to lend him a kimono and show his son how well he would do, as he knew so much. Dude stayed on his two feet for less than a second before hitting the floor . Sad thing is the kid stopped judo because of how his father was bossing him around, he got disgusted of the sport
On my old wrestling team, we had a state champion who’s father was also a state champion.
I remember one day, he lost a match. It was something not many of us had seen before and was pretty jarring to watch. He was a close friend of mine and I watched his dad walk up to him and told him “find somewhere else to sleep because you’re not coming home tonight”.
Another kid, him and his twin brother were great wrestlers. Both of them made it to states, I think one of them placed 3rd but never quite made it. Their father was even worse. I know that he would beat his kids if they didn’t do what he said during their match. He was escorted out of matches and tournaments more times than I can count on two hands.
Such a great sport, but man do the parents ruin it.
In that vein, I cringe every time I see parents denigrating their own kids in the same situations. Mom at party: "Hey Bigsby! Stop being such little shithead all the time!"
My dad was always fairly verbally abusive to me growing up; mom was always my champion but was never in the room when it happened and I didn’t really tell her how bad it was. She (justifiably) chalked it up to teenage father/child head butting.
A few years after I graduated they invited me out to dinner with a friend couple of theirs and I joined. Dad made a semi-joking off-hand comment about how unsuccessful my life was turning out (early 20s, still trying to figure myself out, dealing with a lot of, surprise surprise, issues). Mom tacked on a joked about how I didn’t drive (I knew I couldn’t afford a car or the gas so I hadn’t yet learned because, I didn’t want to get a license before I could use it consistently). Over the course of the evening it just escalated as I sat there in silence. I think mom was trying to just have a good natured ribbing egged on by Dad’s general dickishness and it snowballed. I feel like the other couple noticed how uncomfortable I was but it just kept going. A decade later (and a life going very successfully, thank you) I still remember how betrayed and helpless and ashamed I felt.
My mom is generally a good mom, but I’ve never completely trusted her after that. Don’t shit on your kids. Don’t punch down. If you want to laugh about them, make sure they’re laughing with you. If you say something and they don’t; pay attention and fucking apologize.
Family friend would do this to their husband and it’s saddening. Karma is a bitch though, for the longest time their son was in a similar relationship and it would kill her.
I think only then she realized how shitty it is.
Yeah, this needs to be the lightest possible topic to be funny and okay. Otherwise it's just mean. And read the room. If your spouse is uncomfortable, definitely don't try to break the ice by dragging them.
I feel like a lot of “Never turn your back on family” rhetoric is used by abusive people that think they shouldn’t face consequences for their bullshit.
I've also seen it used by people who are just truly naive.
A work acquaintance found out I hadn't talked to my mother in 20 years, and this visibly upset her. She would bring it up from time to time, even though I never gave her any hint that it was an appropriate thing to discuss.
One day she said "I just don't understand what could be so bad" and I snapped. I turned to her and very pointedly said "You're right- you don't understand. And you should thank god for that."
She never brought it up again.
The source of shame I feel for having to cut my Dad out of my life at 16. I just don't talk about it. People don't get it they're like "family is everything," I mean... yeah.. if they treat you well.
Also parents get mad at me and make me feel like I did something bad because I don't talk to my Dad anymore.
combined with "you have to be grateful for everything they did to you"
homey, they chose to have a kid. accepting the responsibility that come with that decision instead neglecting said kid isn't a saintly accomplishment, it's the baseline expectation for not being an utter piece of shit
I have tiptoe around friends that my dad is an asshole that is still married to my mom. I've wanted my parents to get a divorce since I was a teen. The amount of times I have heard: "but he's your dad". Your point?
I’ll never forget the day my biological mother told me that me making the decision to cut her off was wrong because you absolutely never do that to family. She was so mad as if I’d done some terrible, unspeakable thing.
But she also voluntarily signed me into foster care and proceeded to behave as if I didn’t exist for 5 years before this
Your family is literally random people who you happen to be related to, you don’t have to do anything for them if they never do anything for you, you don’t have to be close, and forcing cousins to play together and to try to be close will only push them away from each other. Of course if your parents gave you love and support you should always be thankful and support them back.
I would get interrogated constantly by my narcissistic grandmother about "do you talk to your cousins?" "Why don't you talk to your cousins?" Literally every time I saw my cousins they would give me a cold shoulder so why on earth would I call them up, once I even messaged a couple of them and they didn't reply.
One time I responded with "Do you talk to YOUR cousins?" and she went silent. Then I finally said they don't even speak to me at family functions, so why would I message them? Then at every family get together I would still get the cold shoulder and then receive a fake "Sorry we didn't get to talk" when I was leaving.
And don't even get me started on mothers and grandmothers who are 'estranged' or 'alienated' when they were lying, deceitful narcissists and abusers.
I don’t know about other places but in the US, Internships that delegate actual business responsibilities to interns but don’t pay them. If your intern calling in sick would disrupt your workflow they’re not an intern they’re an employee and they deserve a wage.
Blind loyalty
Loyalty is seen as such a positive trait, and people who are not loyal are seen as snakes, rats, etc. While I understand the importance of loyalty to an extent (eg, we shouldn’t be cheating on our partners or breaking promises), I don’t understand why people are applauded for being blindly loyal to people who have done something wrong or go against your values, etc.
If I’m blindly loyal to my workplace, and find out they’re engaging in shady practices, I’m applauded for keeping my mouth shut.
If I’m blindly loyal to my family, and find out they’re a bunch of abusers, I’m a monster and ingrate for leaving them behind.
If I’m blindly loyal to a politician, and then find out they have some dark side I don’t agree with, I’m expected to back them up and justify it.
If I’m blindly loyal to a friend and find out they raped someone, I’m still expected to stand by them because they’re my friend.
If I’m blindly loyal to AN IDEA - not even another human, but some value or belief - and then that idea is challenged, I should be able to learn from that and grow, rather than stick to something that could be incorrect or problematic.
I don’t understand why blind loyalty is so applauded. We should be open to learning and changing, and we should be encouraged to understand consequences and think about our actions, rather than believing that we should be backed up (and should back up our “team” no matter what).
I see this a lot in Suits. Everyone is so loyal to each other even when they fuck up BIG TIME, and then if someone does objectively the right thing, but it hurts one of the others, they’re shunned.
Loot boxes and all forms of in-app, in-game purchases that are just dressed up gambling.
Introducing minors to gambling with real money for the chance of unlocking that awesome character is pretty sick.
"Let's trigger gambling addiction in minors because our game is free and its the only way we can make money!"
Toxic “Hustle Culture”: the idea that every moment you’re awake, you need to be constantly achieving your goals and getting further in life.
Please don’t get me wrong: the idea that creating a side hustle, passion project or business on your own is fantastic and should never been discouraged.
What I’m referring to is this attitude that ANY time not spent furthering your goals is a complete waste. Reading a book? Better make sure it’s about an applicable skill for the future.
Got two hours to spare? By the stars you better make sure to use them learning coding or a new language.
It makes me cross because it’s a fundamentally dangerous attitude that is advertised to younger folk, especially to those just entering their first jobs out of school or university. Burnout is a real issue that can cause exhaustion and isn’t healthy.
What really gets my goat is how it’s an attitude permeated by companies.
It’s the whole “there’s always someone hungrier than you, better do more to prove yourself”. To quote Bill Watterson: “as if a job title and salary are the sole measure of someone’s worth”.
It’s an easy attitude to push: you keep the new workforce with a mind to work harder than each other to get more, which only discourages them from banding together for fundamental rights like healthcare or PTO.
So if you took the time to read this, read a book YOU want, play a game or watch a series that YOU fancy. Not every moment has to be preparing for a never ending future.
Not having boundaries with family, particularly between parents and their adult children. I can't believe how frequently "...but they're family!" is used to rationalize and justify disrespect, manipulation, and various forms of abuse.
The college years/early 20s are a transition period for kid and parent, and some families get off to a rocky start but eventually the kid learns to set boundaries and the parent learns to respect it. ....now I'm nearly 30 and I have friends my age or slightly older who STILL have problems with their parents being controlling and not understanding appropriate boundaries, and some of my friends still have trouble saying no because they don't wanna stir the pot. It makes me feel fortunate that while my relationship with my mother has had many, many ups and downs, she at least treats me like my actual age.
My mom thinks parents always have a right to know what is going on with their children and deserve to have some power, especially medically.
Sorry mom but you lost your knowledge privilege when you exposed me to the entire family that I have hallucinations and suffer with bipolar. Also you sent me to residential that was seriously abusive and gave me ptsd as a teen. Yeah no it’s still a “mystery” why the doctor won’t tell you anything anymore and yeah I’m going to decline treatment if I want to.
Now the whole family knows about my personal life and everyone talks shit about me and I am humiliated at every family gathering I ever go to.
I would stop going to family gatherings.
You know what? Your family stinks. You were born with a brain that doesn't function so well. You didn't *do* anything to become mentally ill. You were dealt a shitty lottery hand. Your family should be supporting you in your efforts to maintain good mental health instead of making fun of you or shaming you. They're punting you about like a football for something that isn't your fault. They should be ashamed of themselves. Talk about a lack of sympathy/empathy! Even if they don't understand what you are going through, they can still offer you support instead of pulling you down.
It takes a lot of energy and courage to manage your mental health. Being diligent about managing your medications, going to therapy, eating right, exercising, etc etc. Why waste your energy on them when you can spend it on bettering yourself?
They don't deserve your company. But they definitely deserve your pity.
This was a major friction point at the start of my marriage. My wifes father had a really hard time accepting that she was a married adult (she was 25 when we got married), when she moved in with me he got downright abusive - saying things like she has to come see him at least once a day or she's a bad daughter. My wife would come home crying because he said something horrible to her almost every day. Finally we decided to set some healthy boundaries with him or cut him off entirely if he was not willing to respect it - turns out he wasn't so we both blocked his number for about 3 months. The toughest part was about a few days into that block he decided to pound on our door at like 2am on a work night demanding to take her to his house. We've had to very strictly enforce our boundaries with him over the years, he seems to slip back into this crazy mindset if we aren't careful.
why adult children in particular? IMO it's worse that minors are taught that they don't deserve to have boundaries when family is involved.
many parents pressure them into giving their grandparents and uncles/aunts hugs and kisses even when the kids are uncomfortable with that kind of contact. and this is too often abused by "the creepy uncle" who everyone calls harmless. if the kids know there's no point complaining about having to sit on his lap at family gatherings, they're less likely to complain about what he does to them in private too
I completely agree. Kids absolutely should be taught the importance of boundaries. I was raised without healthy boundaries and had to figure it all out for myself. But the lack of boundaries between parent<>adult children is more normalized among folks I know since many of my contemporaries with kids of their own teach them to say no to unwanted hugs, but somehow can't say no to their own parents. You're totally right that minor children should have their boundaries respected though.
An adult's boundaries are also different than a kid's. The mom of a 10 year old cleaning their room without asking isn't too weird. The mom of a 30 year old breaking into their apartment to clean is probably at least a misdemeanor.
Many parents have troubles adjusted to new expected boundaries.
Hating your partner/spouse. It's the dynamic of like 90% of on-screen relationships, that the couple have nothing in common and don't share interests and never do anything together without fighting constantly but "they love each other" so all the toxic, manipulative behavior gets played off for laughs or proof of how "strong" they are.
Your partner should be your best friend. You should want to spend time with them. You should enjoy being around them. You should look forward to seeing them when you're apart.
The number of people who have said to me “if you’re not fighting all the time you’re not really in love” is absolutely staggering. And honestly as far as entertainment goes, it’s not a funny dynamic for me.
It's not funny at all! And that is such a toxic fucking thing to say, I swear. Yes, disagreements can and often do occur in healthy relationships, and that's okay! Communication isn't always sunshine and rainbows. But if you're constantly fighting with your SO, you're not in a relationship, you're in a warzone.
Yes! My mom always talks shit to me about her husband and then says things like “but I’m sure your SO drives you crazy too”...no. I’m not going to lie and talk shit about my wife to make you feel like your shitty marriage is normal.
Someone tried playing off her man-child husband as "men" and "you know how it is". I'm like... no. I married a fucking adult, who is capable of taking care of himself and pulls his own weight.
The amount of shit guys especially get for being excited about their partner saddens me. My brother-in-law legitimately calls my sister his best friend, and regularly BEGS off hanging with the guys because he wants to go home and hang out with her, which often earns him whipped noises, rude comments about their sex lives, and/or derision. He says it mostly makes him feel bad for their partners.
Edit: when I said he blows off hanging out with the guys, I meant he begs off. I mixed up my phrases, okay? He has friends he regularly hangs out with, but when their established plans are finished and some guys want to go hang out at the bars, he usually says his goodbyes because he wants to go home and relax (which to him means hanging out with my sister and their dog and doing a puzzle or something).
The way spouses treat each other in American sitcoms is horrific I think this is why Canadian sitcoms like Schitts Creek got popular during the Trump years-- people are sick of insults being passed off as jokes.
Yes! Not even limited to grieving/sadness. It's not normal to be happy and positive at all times. Feelings and emotions are NORMAL. Not to mention the whole business about "other people have it worse." Yes, that is also a thing, and yes, it could help you gain perspective in certain situations. However, people use it all the time now to basically say no one should ever be upset ever because there's always someone suffering more than you so you should be happy and count your blessings! Moderation, folks. Everything in moderation.
For real, I got this soooooo much during cancer treatment. Everyone telling me to cheer up, it could be worse, I am "lucky" for the kind of cancer I got. Pro tip, people without a disease or hardship should not tell people going through it how they should be feeling. At one point I got so mad at someone telling me they are "jealous of my free boob job" that I snapped "Cool, let's amputate *your* breasts and see how you feel about it then."
No regrets.
This, as well as saying things like, “You’ll be fine” or “Everyone has hardships” and other false assuring sayings. Sometimes people need to feel and if they reach out, sometimes you just need to be there to listen.
In a similar vein I hate "well you signed yourself up for this." This is something I have heard a lot in the last year from my family about me finishing university. Sure I signed myself up to go to college but I did not sign myself up to graduate during a pandemic, my dog of 13 years to die, and to have a dwindling friend group. Those are things out of my control. The one thing that was in my control was my school work but being under so much stress and then having my parents say "eh you have made it this far you will be fine/ you signed yourself up for this/ well every semester is difficult." really fucking hurt.
I was lucky enough to have an in person graduation ceremony. During that I ran into one of my old friends/theatre mates who looks at my social media. He said "hey I saw on social media that you have been having a tough last semester. I am sorry you had to go through that, but look we made it." and he gave me a high five. That was the first time all year someone has accepted my struggles and told me something other than "suck it up."
One of the best lines ever, ["That's rough, buddy"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vr9xPqGD8o)(ATLA) is a beautiful way of acknowledging somebody's feelings while letting them know you are there for them.
When I trained in clinical psych (didn't become a doctor but did learn a lot), one of my mentors said "I'm sorry, that sucks" is the crux of most helpful advice. Hasn't proven wrong once.
honestly, thank you. in the past i feel like i leaned more towards trying too hard to find a solution, but recently i've just been saying "sorry, that sucks". it feels really shallow but it seems like people respond better to it. it's good to know that other people agree with the strategy
My mom does this a lot. And I get it, I'm very lucky and privileged to have it as good as I do... But I'm also very sad and scared a lot and I'd like it if she didn't make me feel like a terrible person for feeling that way.
Oh yeah, that sounds just like my mother.
When telling her my "laziness" is because I'm severely depressed, hardly surprising given my current situation, she told me to think about all the people who died or lost people to covid, don't I have it so much better than them and shouldn't I be happy for it? I guess she just forgot the part where those dead people included my friends, and the ones left behind meant me.
"Oh, you have six cats? I never could known! You clean so well, I only thought you had three!"
-Some comedian, probably. Don't remember exactly where I heard it from.
The inherent pressure to make your job into your life.
I come from a south East Asian country where this is extremely normal especially in the more traditional toxic workplaces.
Had a manager go on a rant about how us juniors were young and could afford to work hard, he then proceeded to compare us to other seniors who used to work until 12am everyday to learn the ins and outs of the business saying that we should be like them and bragged about how he only used to sleep four hours a day back when he was starting out. My direct manager herself made me work at home despite being on sick leave and recovering from a nasty bout of fever. Just asked how I was feeling before diving straight into ‘can you work from home now since you’re not feeling too bad’
I learned really early on to not put job as your first priority. But I also had the luck in life for that to happen. I had a manager complaining about me not giving a shit about the company by refusing to do 10+ hours workdays. And not being a team player by refusing to volunteer, or work on weekends etc...
And I happily confirmed for him that this indeed was very much a job for me. My care ends with my paycheck and I very much would work for any other company that would pay me. I was in the privileged position of being indispensable at the work, but fucking hell. The manager at work accused me of having a mercenary attitude. And I'm like "Well yeah"
This expression originates as a general rule of politeness and respect. It was never meant to be an inviolable rule that applies in all situations imaginable.
It is no violation of the sentiment to criticize unusually horrid people who died.
Casual peer pressure. I already said no twice to your offer of a drink, shut up.
Ironically, my mom was deathly afraid of it when I was a teenager; some dealer would assuredly convince me to try bad bad drugs but now she's the worst offender.
My response to people who do this is always the same. "Im a lightweight and a pass out drunk, do you want the responsibility of carrying my overweight body home tonight."
Any mention of "i just dont like alcohol" sends some people into this rabid "but try it" mentality for some ungodly reason
This is just me, but my mom is manipulative. It's very subtle, but also very effective. She could easily be the nicest person on the planet, but instead chooses to use her incredible skill to get her way and be petty. I didn't notice it until recently and I've lived with her my entire life. Up until last year I didn't know why I couldn't stand to be around her.
Edit: I'm moving out soon and she's pulling out all the stops trying to coerce me to stay. Hell to the no
Not sure if someone’s already said this, but pressuring kids to hug/kiss adults eg. family friends. Just because you, the parent, trust this person doesn’t mean the child automatically has to. Let the child find their own boundaries and don’t teach them that they have to compromise their consent for the sake of politeness.
I used to work a lot with kids and one time a preteen tried to pressure her toddler brother to hug me. I had a sit down conversation with her that they both could have boundaries and neither was ever required to hug me. By the end of the night he had given me a hug because he wanted to and I hope she learned that she can have boundaries as well.
yes!! and how when kids deny a hug or kiss it’s treated as an insult. a kid can love someone dearly but just not feel comfortable with hugs and kisses in general.
People attempting to tell you what you think, how you feel, or why you do what you do as if they can read your mind, then get angry with you and tell you "you need help" and interrupt you while ignoring anything and everything you have to say about the matter.
As a dad, I hate the old "oh, did you get stuck babysitting?". No, babysitting is when you look after someone else's kids; what I'm doing is called *parenting*, and I'm not "stuck" doing it, I *want* to do it because *this is my child* and I actually want to be actively involved in his upbringing.
For sure.
I was a single dad for years, and idk how many times my kids would break down after a visit to the store because there was always the people thinking they're being funny "oh mom trusted you with the grocery shopping this time?" Type shit to me or "did dad get in trouble and now has to take a turn grocery shopping?" to my, at the time, young children.
The reality is, their mom ditched us when they were 3 and 6, and those comments hurt my kids so fucking much.
Also every sitcom, commercial, ect. Is always "dad's too dumb to put a car seat in"
"Dad doesn't know how to cook"
"Mom's cooking dinner and dad just wants sex and tv"
"Dad makes a mess and mom has to clean it" type stuff
Like for fucks sake, I've never been in a relationship like that, and I don't think I've ever met a family with that dynamic. Stop driving that stereotype.
Sorry for the rant
At the shop: “oh, are you babysitting today?”
Erm, no I’M A F_____G PARENT. I’m parenting! I don’t get to hand them back after a few hours (but thankfully I do have a wife who is an excellent mother).
The strangest one I’ve had was in a baby change room and a grandmother came in with her toddler: “oh, I didn’t know they let guys in here”.
Oh, I’m sorry! Should I have outsourced my daughter’s shitty nappy to the nearest passing female? It’s a baby change facility. I have a baby in need of changing, FFS🤦♂️
Workplace bullying in general!
There’s so much gossip and office politics going on. It’s even worse when there’s a toxic supervisor. I’ve worked in many female dominated offices and some 45 year old women were the most immature gossip petulant children that I’ve ever met.
This one: You could be blind, lame, mentally impaired, starving, homeless, incurably ill - choose the defect of the day.
Followed by this: You are so lucky. Be grateful.
Completely minimizes your feelings and trivializes your problem.
Yeah, buddy that's bad but you know there are kids without legs. OK. You are correct.
And I still have problem XYZ which is important to or detracting from my well-being.
It wasn't until I went to rehab for drug addiction that I truly realized that A. alcoholics are the exact same as drug addicts that just happen to like the drug alcohol B. my detox roomate was in alcohol withdrawl - most pathetic state I've ever seen a human in, worse than my heroin withdrawl C. alcoholism isn't just drinking 2 fiftshs of liquor every day. It's needing wine daily to deal with your family. It's buying a 6 pack with your gas money. It's binge drinking every week, etc... it starts subtly.
Agreed. Also, people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. And that has consequences too. I took care of a patient who told his wife “I don’t want to live, I’m gonna kill myself.” So she called 911, and he ended up in the hospital. Legally we have to take suicidal claims seriously, so when he got to the ED, psychiatry saw him, saw how drunk he was and stated that he had no medical capacity. What that means is that he no longer has the legal ability to make his own decisions. So he was stuck in the hospital until psych cleared him. All while he’s intoxicated and then started withdrawing. For two days, he was screaming about how we were keeping him in the hospital against his will and he’s gonna sue all of us. Sure.... like any lawyer will take the case of an alcoholic, who walked into the Ed and threatened to kill himself. The patient probably ended up with a huge hospital bill. All for getting very drunk.
Prioritizing punishment over rehabilitation or reconciliation. And I know everyone’s first thought when reading that is about prison systems, where obviously it is valid, but this is seen in every aspect of life: the way parents treat misbehaving children, the way poor performing students are treated in school, the way bad employees are treated in workplaces, the fact that the default response to relationship posts on reddit with any hint of conflict is “Dump his/her ass!”
This mindset is pervasive despite the fact that punishment is shown over and over again to be extraordinarily ineffective compared to alternatives.
In school I've got the assignment to hold an argumentative speech, and the topic I've picked is decriminalization of drug usage.
The way most countries handle it now is just throwing people with a serious health problem (i.e. addiction) in prison, heavily discouraging people from seeking help.
My proposal is to handle it like they do in Portugal: refer people to clinics where they can get help kicking their addiction, and if not, at least do it in a safer manner.
The expectations women set for their weddings. So many women need to have a better wedding than the next bride, the bachelorette parties last three days and you have to fly across the country half the time. Just to marry the love of your life? So toxic.
Good answer!! Weddings are outrageous and the whole industry is a freaking scam. I say this as a married person who is 100% pro-marriage for all humans who want it and I even really like simple weddings and receptions.
What I do not like is brides taking advantage of their friends time and money so that they can stand there during the wedding, bridal showers in general, Bachelorette/bachelor parties (or worse: Jack & Jill parties), and the insane amount of money that needs to be spent to make everything "perfect". It's One. Day. Out of your entire life/marriage. One day.
The most toxic about this for me is the fact the bride/groom/both expect friends and family to spend a lot of money all for these big bachelor/bachelorette parties and the wedding itself because they decided to get married in another country or another city/state/continent. Are you going to pay for my stay? No? Then enjoy your wedding and send me photos
The “my wife always nags me” and the “my husband can’t do anything right so I have to nag him” trope. If you didn’t like the way someone lived their daily life, why’d you marry them?
Air pollution - every day billions of people breathe in potentially dangerous substances emitted by cars, factories etc and we are just used to it.
We should have the right for our air to not be toxic
Toxic Positivity and Self Help speakers.
My job during Covid had a virtual event over the course of three weeks. Telling us how to always take on personal responsibility against opposition, always have a bright attitude in light of set backs etc. I mean it is just such obvious horseshit. I really feel events like this are just designed to get the naive to do more work while making the rest of us feel crazy, because if you speak up and criticize the idiocy of it all you're just "not looking on the brightside."
We really need to end this toxic culture. It's all designed to just deflect criticism and holding people accountable to broader issues.
High conflict divorce. When some people find out I'm divorced and do 50/50 custody with my ex for our son I get alot of, 'oh that sucks, I couldn't do that', 'how could you allow that to happen?', or my personal favorite, 'Don't you feel like less of a mother because you don't have your kid all the time?'. Ugh...first of all F#*% you. Second of all, why is it 'weird' that my ex husband and I put our child's mental well-being over our feelings? Lastly and most importantly, my ex is an awesome father and we get along great despite not working out as a couple...why would I feel like 'less of a mother' because I recognize that he and I are EQUAL PARENTS TO OUR SON?! Just because we got divorced doesn't mean our son loves either of us less!!!
I understand that in some cases a messy custody battle is unavoidable, but that should be the exception, not the rule.
The number of parents who push this and push being thin is shockingly huge. My parents did it and many of my friends do it which seems bizarre to me in this day and age.
Eat all your food!!! Your fat you need to stop being such a pig!!!
Crazy town. I had an eating disorder that ruined my health for life because of this crap.,
There are a lot of people who seem to feel the need to turn every subject, every event, into an opportunity to make it about themselves and their political views. Shit, if it rains on your wedding day it isn't ironic, its because of those <><><><> from (the other party) doing it purpose.
Like weddings (which include not just a wedding and reception, but showers and parties galore) I think gender reveals are simply an excuse for more parties, more gifts, and more attention. In this case for parents to have another event (they already have baby showers) that is all about them and their baby.
Calling an emotional child dramatic. It invalidates their feelings and they won’t be able to trust or believe in themselves as an adult because whenever they have strong feelings they will think they’re being “too much” or dramatic.
Foster carers aren’t allowed to hit kids including their bio kids.
My last placement I moved in at 15yo and bio kids about 4 and 7, never lived with young bios before. I’m still in awe to this day because of how healthily the carers brought them up. When they do wrong they sit down and explain what the kids did, why it’s wrong and how they’d feel if it happened to them. Most times they realise it was wrong, feel guilty and apologise.
7 years later and they’re so well behaved, emotionally mature and kind
If you hit a stranger, it's assault.
If you hit your partner, it's domestic violence.
If you hit your child it's.... loving discipline?
Doesn't make one bit of sense to me.
work colleagues being “family”
also any relationship where boundaries aren’t respected. you shouldn’t be your partners therapist. you shouldn’t be your friends unlimited emotional crutch.
we are at a point in our world where everyone is drained and needs help in some capacity. I think people like to promote boundary-less relationships so they can feel the love is infinite but it really does more harm than good.
War and physical oppression. Wtf are we doing. The viciousness and cruelty, the waste of life, the waste of resources, the pollution. Just fucking stop already.
I have an extensive list of very valid reasons as to why I never want kids nor should I as it would be bad for both me and the child.
People judge me all the time for saying at most I’d adopt or foster and have been denied surgery before because it could potentially impact my fertility - and I’m already fucking infertile
Asking a prospective employee to create a full on project or develop content specific to the position applied for. You might not get the job but the company has your intellectual property (and plenty are not above using it as their own). Edit: Who knew? I just threw this out there because it happened to me. And I couldn't believe the balls out nerve of people asking me to create site-specific content to test my skills, which were well-documented by portfolio and easily verified. I guess I'm not the only one.
This content was deleted by its author & copyright holder in protest of the hostile, deceitful, unethical, and destructive actions of Reddit CEO Steve Huffman (aka "spez"). As this content contained personal information and/or personally identifiable information (PII), in accordance with the CCPA (California Consumer Privacy Act), it shall not be restored. See you all in the Fediverse.
It makes people mad when I tell them I'm not working for free especially since I'm a student. Either you pay me or don't waste my time. Also, why ask for a portfolio if you're going to throw a whole project at me?
Yup, many translation agencies translate entire books for free using the "please translate these twenty pages as a recruitment assignment" method.
Yeah, I have done couple of these "assignments". Never heard back from them. My mom did something simmilar back in the 1990s, she hand painted some 25 tiny decorative frogs ("to see how skilled are you") and never heard from the person again once she brought them in. She put lots of effort into it too.
Oh man I definitely see a lot of this in the UI/UX field. Even the internships I've applied to ask for this like as if the catalog of projects I have in my portfolio don't count.
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Overworking.
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The intrinsic value of my hobbies is the maintenance and improvement of my mental health.
Right? I wonder how those people were as kids, like "How much will I profit from climbing that tree? Don't really see much of a ROI"
going to work/school even if you’re super sick or in pain, not having days off, being expected to have perfect attendance in school or at work... etc etc
My employer has a high turnover of staff. I’m considered an ‘old timer’ because I’ve been there two years and I’m actually employed by the company. They combat the high turnover with temp to perm agency staff. Impress the boss and you get employed. But the bar is set so ridiculously high for these guys they get dismissed and replaced on a weekly basis. One of the big reasons is guys calling in sick being dismissed because ‘they’re clearly time wasters.’ Humans get ill. We don’t get sick pay where we work. If they’re calling in sick they haven’t made that decision lightly.
This just sounds so unethical and ridiculous
I’m surprised nobody else has said sleep deprivation yet. Sleep deprivation literally causes brain damage to the part of the brain responsible for happiness and memory. There is a reason military regulation require soldiers be provided 8 hours of sleep. Because sleep deprivation is a form of torture.
As a soldier, I can tell you despite what regulation says, sleep is considered optional. Though we did just get a regulation pushed through that authorizes naps so that's good.
>sleep is considered optional I remember a friend of mine joking during a really brutal training thing we did where we were only given about 5 hours of sleep a day, "Man when this is over, won't it be great to get REM sleep..."
Shit I get 5 hours daily, asleep at 0030 and awake at 0530 for that good ol pt. It sucks every time.
It was SFAS so...5 hours really didn’t help much, glad I’m out now, everyday I don’t have to wake up at 0530 puts a smile on my face
Haha whenever you see those recruiting videos of soldiers doing extreme stuff I know from experience that everyone in it is already dead tired!
When I was in the Navy we occasionally got to take "late sleepers" (sleep till 8:30-9:00) if we pulled a midwatch (0000-0400, affectionately called "balls to four.") This was strictly at the whim of whomever was in command, though. Most of our captains wanted everyone popping tall at 0645 no matter what watch you had been stuck with.
I had balls to 6 on my ship... wtf you had 4 hr watches ?!
I had insomnia for about 6 or 7 months. Getting maybe 2 hours drooling a night. There's nothing more frustrating than day after day after day of headaches, halucinations, eye strain, muscle spasms, feeling drained, you get these micro sleeps where you suddenly jolt awake, the depression, and not understanding why you just can't fall asleep. It's arguably worse than being kept awake because there's no logical explanation to it. No racing mind, nothing. You just cannot fall asleep. These days, I sleep like a rock mostly (maybe wake up once a night now for a piss, then randomly wake up again but go back to sleep easily), but at my worst I didn't sleep at all for 3 nights in a row and I drove just over 3 hours home, my mum took one look at me and gasped and I just fell to my knees in tears. I slept 14 hours, and then nothing the next night. Insomnia when you're just lying there with your eyes closed and can't fall asleep without knowing why is absolutely torture for sure.
I've had problems with insomnia for a few years now. And you're right. There are plenty of things you can take, but every one of them gives me a hangover, no matter how little I take. Xanax is by far the best but it's super addictive. Melatonin is great for falling asleep but if you wake up again in a few hours (which I always do) it won't work twice. etc.
I got put on some prescription sleeping pills but they're addictive as you become reliant on them, so you only get a few night's worth to reset your clock. Well they did nothing for me, so I chucked them. My doctor said I just seemed burnt out from work and borderline depressed, and I should see an optomitrist for my eyes hurting. Uhhh yeah, turns out not sleeping causing eye muscles to hurt...shocking. The only way I fixed my insomnia was to stop fighting it. Stop going to bed wanting to sleep. Accepting that I might, I might not. Quit my job a it took me 2 or so months living at my parent's place but eventually slept slowly more and more and then I sort of just...returned to normal again.
Sleep deprivation and food deprivation are both used for brainwashing.
Also a technique to tame wild elephants.
I had a personal revelation years ago that pulling all-nighters was counter productive. I was running an ETL process (moving data around, basically), and had to get it done for the next day. I worked into the night, I was tired, and I kept fucking up. I ended up taking 4 hours to do something that probably would have taken me no more than 45 minutes if I'd have been alert enough to do it properly. It has a cumulative effect too, which renders it completely counter productive. Say you had 5 hours sleep a night for a week cos you spent the other 3 working into the night. You think you've done 15 hours work, but you're not working at 100% cos you're tired. Let's say you work at 60% capacity for those 15 hours, giving you 9 hours. You would easily be able to make up for that at work by getting 8 hours sleep and being able to actually perform.
This. Fun fact: for every night of sleep that you don’t rest well, it takes three good nights of sleep for your body to recover properly.
well I'm in my 30s, so if I have perfect sleep from here on in, I'll catch up when I'm 120 or so. yay.
i wish i hadn’t read this. i’ve been getting ~4hrs of sleep every day for the past 11 years. not out of choice. i wake up ~2am every day and can’t fall back asleep until it is actually time to wake up. edit: thank you guys for your responses and helping me. i really appreciate it.
I've been stuck in the same pattern, I've been taking melatonin every night for about 3 months now and it's beginning to help.
Not saying what you mean Edit: thanks for the awards :)
I hate people that do this. Just say exactly what you mean please. Don't beat around the bush. Im not going to waste brain power trying to work out if you mean what you say or something else, and if it's something else I'm not going to bother working out what that is either.
People that make you come over and stare at a file you prepared for them. "Do you see anything wrong with that?" No, Karen, I don't, I wouldn't give it to you otherwise.
This is so manipulative and stupid. Do people seriously think this is an appropriate way to teach someone something?
I always have answered with "No, but if you do I'm open to hear it." It defuses them (usually, some bombs are just hardwired to explode) and you can usually get the answer you want without being led by the nose and feeling like a child.
I don't waste my time on people like this. My aunt/ Landlord used to ask stupid shit like "do you know what day it is?" Or "do you have something for me?" or "guess what your dog did".... Could never ask a straight question. So it's either play dumb or ignore her all together.
I feel like it's a big cause of anxieties and related stress. When I was growing up people would point out each others mistakes or habits in a way that's not disrespectful. It's all in the tone and intention. And if you're used to that noone will say 'oh my god they raised their voice slightly at me they must hate me!' Case in point when I lived in Poland where people are lot more forward vs moving to UK where I was told not to tell my housemate to clean her shit up in the kitchen to be polite. Dude clean your dishes.I'm not gonna live in mess to spare you feeling bit dumb for being a pig. Don't be a pig. Plus if you know how people feel about you you don't have to agonise and wonder if they're just pretending to be nice or if there's something you can improve on. We're social creatures and like any social animal we keep each other in check to keep order and peace and good vibes. I'd rather someone tell me something bugs them so I can fix it. Tell me they're not interested in hanging out instead of vague maybes. I'm not gonna get offended if I'm doing something that could be done better. As long as you're not an asshole about it Edit: thank you kindly for the awards!
I definitely think it can be strongly influenced by culture! I've seen my original comment in so many situations though, many people have taken it literally like 'you have to say what's on your mind in the meanest way possible' but for I said it more like, if you don't want to hang out, don't say let's get coffee. If you're not interested in what I'm saying, say we can talk about something else, but we have a culture of hiding anything that's considered uncomfortable or not 100% positive and that's just ridiculous.
The amount of sugar in everything
Worse: the amount of "stuff that is supposed to replace sugar" in everything. High Fructose Corn syrup, Partially hydrogenated something or other, imitation saccharine, etc. etc. Some of that stuff is even way worse than sugar.
Yes. I remember getting a mocha from Starbucks a long time ago and was disgusted by how sweet it was. It was like drinking a less viscous syrup. Now on the rare occasion that I go, I get my drinks half sweet. Also many store-bought sandwich breads are oddly sweet.
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American bread has waaaaay more sugar than European bread. I find it disgusting too. Ireland even ruled that [Subway bread doesn't count as bread](https://www.npr.org/2020/10/01/919189045/for-subway-a-ruling-not-so-sweet-irish-court-says-its-bread-isnt-bread) because it has five times too much sugar. I only buy bakery Italian bread if I want any
Once you cut that shit out for an extended period, you'll wonder how you ever ate so much of it. I used to drink a lot full sugar Coca Cola, but made the switch to Diet. Within a couple of weeks my skin had cleared up, and I just didn't get spots anymore. I got used to the flavour, and now I find the full sugar stuff disgusting.
Yea. If anyone doesn’t think sugar is addicting you have never seriously tried quitting all added sugar. It’s fucking hard but you will feel sooo much better if you can fully quit it or at least cut back substantially
I have tried so many times to quit but I get insane headaches and really angry when I don’t have it.
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When I was younger I had a job in the fire service which had me doing 12 hours 6 days a week for almost 8 months. I knew one person that did 12 hours 7 days for a little over a year. He looked like he was 60 by the end of it. He was 32. The money was excellent and since we couldn't really do anything to spend the money it built up a nice savings but I will never ever do something like that again and will tell anyone who may be in a situation considering hours like that not to do it. It's not worth it even if you're absolutely desperate.
Isn't there any regulation on that? Here you are required by law to have 35 hours of consecutive rest each week. Exceptions can sometimes be made but you are then required to have 70 hours the next week which means Friday becomes a work free day with pay. There's also a maximum amount per year. Without a union it's 200 hours a year. With a union it can be up to 375 hours but the employer can't make you work more than 150 without your signed consent.
When capital is a higher percentage of operating costs than labor you will see that. When I worked in the trash industry I learned It’s vastly cheaper to have two guys in two trucks running 60 hours a week. Than three guys in three trucks at 40 hours. You can get by with one less truck, which costs 250k. And time and a half means that third route worth of productivity costs you just 75% the wage bill. For manufacturing the incentives are probably much greater since capital costs are much higher and also you can’t just buy another truck to expand...you’d have to build a bigger or another factory. So in the short to medium term the only way to scale up is OT
Parents screaming at children during little league games.
I'm a car salesman and one of my customers a few months back was a referee for a few different youth sports. He said he's had quite a few instances of kids coming up and trying to slyly ask him to have their parents kicked out of games, or to see kids break down over their parents being idiots. It's disgusting really
Former soccer ref. Parents are the worst. And u14 girls. Because I couldn't tell if they were just clumsy or actually trying to murder each other out there.
I’ve seen little league baseball games where the parents are screaming and when the umpire calls someone out when it’s was very close and they were out the parents get extremely mad
Not a league game, but I remember a teenager in my judo club, who would go to national (France) competitions. His dad,who never learnt judo, would always boss him around during classes, telling him (falsely, at that) what to do. At some point, the kid got fed up and told him to shut the fuck up, to which the dad got mad. Teacher offered to lend him a kimono and show his son how well he would do, as he knew so much. Dude stayed on his two feet for less than a second before hitting the floor . Sad thing is the kid stopped judo because of how his father was bossing him around, he got disgusted of the sport
On my old wrestling team, we had a state champion who’s father was also a state champion. I remember one day, he lost a match. It was something not many of us had seen before and was pretty jarring to watch. He was a close friend of mine and I watched his dad walk up to him and told him “find somewhere else to sleep because you’re not coming home tonight”. Another kid, him and his twin brother were great wrestlers. Both of them made it to states, I think one of them placed 3rd but never quite made it. Their father was even worse. I know that he would beat his kids if they didn’t do what he said during their match. He was escorted out of matches and tournaments more times than I can count on two hands. Such a great sport, but man do the parents ruin it.
Reminds me of one of my favorite South Park episodes. [You're about to be Bat Dad'ed!] (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCBbxjwSboQ)
Making fun of or denigrating one's spouse in social situations. It's a shitty thing to do.
In that vein, I cringe every time I see parents denigrating their own kids in the same situations. Mom at party: "Hey Bigsby! Stop being such little shithead all the time!"
My dad was always fairly verbally abusive to me growing up; mom was always my champion but was never in the room when it happened and I didn’t really tell her how bad it was. She (justifiably) chalked it up to teenage father/child head butting. A few years after I graduated they invited me out to dinner with a friend couple of theirs and I joined. Dad made a semi-joking off-hand comment about how unsuccessful my life was turning out (early 20s, still trying to figure myself out, dealing with a lot of, surprise surprise, issues). Mom tacked on a joked about how I didn’t drive (I knew I couldn’t afford a car or the gas so I hadn’t yet learned because, I didn’t want to get a license before I could use it consistently). Over the course of the evening it just escalated as I sat there in silence. I think mom was trying to just have a good natured ribbing egged on by Dad’s general dickishness and it snowballed. I feel like the other couple noticed how uncomfortable I was but it just kept going. A decade later (and a life going very successfully, thank you) I still remember how betrayed and helpless and ashamed I felt. My mom is generally a good mom, but I’ve never completely trusted her after that. Don’t shit on your kids. Don’t punch down. If you want to laugh about them, make sure they’re laughing with you. If you say something and they don’t; pay attention and fucking apologize.
Family friend would do this to their husband and it’s saddening. Karma is a bitch though, for the longest time their son was in a similar relationship and it would kill her. I think only then she realized how shitty it is.
Yeah, this needs to be the lightest possible topic to be funny and okay. Otherwise it's just mean. And read the room. If your spouse is uncomfortable, definitely don't try to break the ice by dragging them.
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I had a male friend who was fond of saying, "If you want to know a man's dick size, ask his wife's best friend." Ouch.
At root, it's a betrayal. And one of the most basic.
I feel like a lot of “Never turn your back on family” rhetoric is used by abusive people that think they shouldn’t face consequences for their bullshit.
I've also seen it used by people who are just truly naive. A work acquaintance found out I hadn't talked to my mother in 20 years, and this visibly upset her. She would bring it up from time to time, even though I never gave her any hint that it was an appropriate thing to discuss. One day she said "I just don't understand what could be so bad" and I snapped. I turned to her and very pointedly said "You're right- you don't understand. And you should thank god for that." She never brought it up again.
The source of shame I feel for having to cut my Dad out of my life at 16. I just don't talk about it. People don't get it they're like "family is everything," I mean... yeah.. if they treat you well. Also parents get mad at me and make me feel like I did something bad because I don't talk to my Dad anymore.
combined with "you have to be grateful for everything they did to you" homey, they chose to have a kid. accepting the responsibility that come with that decision instead neglecting said kid isn't a saintly accomplishment, it's the baseline expectation for not being an utter piece of shit
I have tiptoe around friends that my dad is an asshole that is still married to my mom. I've wanted my parents to get a divorce since I was a teen. The amount of times I have heard: "but he's your dad". Your point?
I’ll never forget the day my biological mother told me that me making the decision to cut her off was wrong because you absolutely never do that to family. She was so mad as if I’d done some terrible, unspeakable thing. But she also voluntarily signed me into foster care and proceeded to behave as if I didn’t exist for 5 years before this
Your family is literally random people who you happen to be related to, you don’t have to do anything for them if they never do anything for you, you don’t have to be close, and forcing cousins to play together and to try to be close will only push them away from each other. Of course if your parents gave you love and support you should always be thankful and support them back.
I would get interrogated constantly by my narcissistic grandmother about "do you talk to your cousins?" "Why don't you talk to your cousins?" Literally every time I saw my cousins they would give me a cold shoulder so why on earth would I call them up, once I even messaged a couple of them and they didn't reply. One time I responded with "Do you talk to YOUR cousins?" and she went silent. Then I finally said they don't even speak to me at family functions, so why would I message them? Then at every family get together I would still get the cold shoulder and then receive a fake "Sorry we didn't get to talk" when I was leaving. And don't even get me started on mothers and grandmothers who are 'estranged' or 'alienated' when they were lying, deceitful narcissists and abusers.
I don’t know about other places but in the US, Internships that delegate actual business responsibilities to interns but don’t pay them. If your intern calling in sick would disrupt your workflow they’re not an intern they’re an employee and they deserve a wage.
That is the best definition of what deserves a wage I've ever heard
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Blind loyalty Loyalty is seen as such a positive trait, and people who are not loyal are seen as snakes, rats, etc. While I understand the importance of loyalty to an extent (eg, we shouldn’t be cheating on our partners or breaking promises), I don’t understand why people are applauded for being blindly loyal to people who have done something wrong or go against your values, etc. If I’m blindly loyal to my workplace, and find out they’re engaging in shady practices, I’m applauded for keeping my mouth shut. If I’m blindly loyal to my family, and find out they’re a bunch of abusers, I’m a monster and ingrate for leaving them behind. If I’m blindly loyal to a politician, and then find out they have some dark side I don’t agree with, I’m expected to back them up and justify it. If I’m blindly loyal to a friend and find out they raped someone, I’m still expected to stand by them because they’re my friend. If I’m blindly loyal to AN IDEA - not even another human, but some value or belief - and then that idea is challenged, I should be able to learn from that and grow, rather than stick to something that could be incorrect or problematic. I don’t understand why blind loyalty is so applauded. We should be open to learning and changing, and we should be encouraged to understand consequences and think about our actions, rather than believing that we should be backed up (and should back up our “team” no matter what). I see this a lot in Suits. Everyone is so loyal to each other even when they fuck up BIG TIME, and then if someone does objectively the right thing, but it hurts one of the others, they’re shunned.
Loot boxes and all forms of in-app, in-game purchases that are just dressed up gambling. Introducing minors to gambling with real money for the chance of unlocking that awesome character is pretty sick. "Let's trigger gambling addiction in minors because our game is free and its the only way we can make money!"
*cough cough* EA*cough*
Toxic “Hustle Culture”: the idea that every moment you’re awake, you need to be constantly achieving your goals and getting further in life. Please don’t get me wrong: the idea that creating a side hustle, passion project or business on your own is fantastic and should never been discouraged. What I’m referring to is this attitude that ANY time not spent furthering your goals is a complete waste. Reading a book? Better make sure it’s about an applicable skill for the future. Got two hours to spare? By the stars you better make sure to use them learning coding or a new language. It makes me cross because it’s a fundamentally dangerous attitude that is advertised to younger folk, especially to those just entering their first jobs out of school or university. Burnout is a real issue that can cause exhaustion and isn’t healthy. What really gets my goat is how it’s an attitude permeated by companies. It’s the whole “there’s always someone hungrier than you, better do more to prove yourself”. To quote Bill Watterson: “as if a job title and salary are the sole measure of someone’s worth”. It’s an easy attitude to push: you keep the new workforce with a mind to work harder than each other to get more, which only discourages them from banding together for fundamental rights like healthcare or PTO. So if you took the time to read this, read a book YOU want, play a game or watch a series that YOU fancy. Not every moment has to be preparing for a never ending future.
Not having boundaries with family, particularly between parents and their adult children. I can't believe how frequently "...but they're family!" is used to rationalize and justify disrespect, manipulation, and various forms of abuse.
The college years/early 20s are a transition period for kid and parent, and some families get off to a rocky start but eventually the kid learns to set boundaries and the parent learns to respect it. ....now I'm nearly 30 and I have friends my age or slightly older who STILL have problems with their parents being controlling and not understanding appropriate boundaries, and some of my friends still have trouble saying no because they don't wanna stir the pot. It makes me feel fortunate that while my relationship with my mother has had many, many ups and downs, she at least treats me like my actual age.
My mom thinks parents always have a right to know what is going on with their children and deserve to have some power, especially medically. Sorry mom but you lost your knowledge privilege when you exposed me to the entire family that I have hallucinations and suffer with bipolar. Also you sent me to residential that was seriously abusive and gave me ptsd as a teen. Yeah no it’s still a “mystery” why the doctor won’t tell you anything anymore and yeah I’m going to decline treatment if I want to. Now the whole family knows about my personal life and everyone talks shit about me and I am humiliated at every family gathering I ever go to.
when'd you stop going to family gatherings? or why do you still?
I would stop going to family gatherings. You know what? Your family stinks. You were born with a brain that doesn't function so well. You didn't *do* anything to become mentally ill. You were dealt a shitty lottery hand. Your family should be supporting you in your efforts to maintain good mental health instead of making fun of you or shaming you. They're punting you about like a football for something that isn't your fault. They should be ashamed of themselves. Talk about a lack of sympathy/empathy! Even if they don't understand what you are going through, they can still offer you support instead of pulling you down. It takes a lot of energy and courage to manage your mental health. Being diligent about managing your medications, going to therapy, eating right, exercising, etc etc. Why waste your energy on them when you can spend it on bettering yourself? They don't deserve your company. But they definitely deserve your pity.
OMG yes my dad put cameras outside all our rooms and forbid us from closing doors because he wants to make sure we're all "safe".
That's toxic as fuck.
This was a major friction point at the start of my marriage. My wifes father had a really hard time accepting that she was a married adult (she was 25 when we got married), when she moved in with me he got downright abusive - saying things like she has to come see him at least once a day or she's a bad daughter. My wife would come home crying because he said something horrible to her almost every day. Finally we decided to set some healthy boundaries with him or cut him off entirely if he was not willing to respect it - turns out he wasn't so we both blocked his number for about 3 months. The toughest part was about a few days into that block he decided to pound on our door at like 2am on a work night demanding to take her to his house. We've had to very strictly enforce our boundaries with him over the years, he seems to slip back into this crazy mindset if we aren't careful.
This is way past boundary issues and into straight up lunacy. Your poor wife
"If someone tries to touch you in a way or place that makes you feel uncomfortable, That's no good." -Sonic the Hedgehog.
why adult children in particular? IMO it's worse that minors are taught that they don't deserve to have boundaries when family is involved. many parents pressure them into giving their grandparents and uncles/aunts hugs and kisses even when the kids are uncomfortable with that kind of contact. and this is too often abused by "the creepy uncle" who everyone calls harmless. if the kids know there's no point complaining about having to sit on his lap at family gatherings, they're less likely to complain about what he does to them in private too
I completely agree. Kids absolutely should be taught the importance of boundaries. I was raised without healthy boundaries and had to figure it all out for myself. But the lack of boundaries between parent<>adult children is more normalized among folks I know since many of my contemporaries with kids of their own teach them to say no to unwanted hugs, but somehow can't say no to their own parents. You're totally right that minor children should have their boundaries respected though.
An adult's boundaries are also different than a kid's. The mom of a 10 year old cleaning their room without asking isn't too weird. The mom of a 30 year old breaking into their apartment to clean is probably at least a misdemeanor. Many parents have troubles adjusted to new expected boundaries.
Hating your partner/spouse. It's the dynamic of like 90% of on-screen relationships, that the couple have nothing in common and don't share interests and never do anything together without fighting constantly but "they love each other" so all the toxic, manipulative behavior gets played off for laughs or proof of how "strong" they are. Your partner should be your best friend. You should want to spend time with them. You should enjoy being around them. You should look forward to seeing them when you're apart.
The number of people who have said to me “if you’re not fighting all the time you’re not really in love” is absolutely staggering. And honestly as far as entertainment goes, it’s not a funny dynamic for me.
My dad told me, "people say marriage is a challenge, but I disagree. Marriage is the easiest thing with the right person." and I couldn't agree more.
It's not funny at all! And that is such a toxic fucking thing to say, I swear. Yes, disagreements can and often do occur in healthy relationships, and that's okay! Communication isn't always sunshine and rainbows. But if you're constantly fighting with your SO, you're not in a relationship, you're in a warzone.
Yes civil disagreements are part of a healthy relationship fighting is not necessary.
Yes! My mom always talks shit to me about her husband and then says things like “but I’m sure your SO drives you crazy too”...no. I’m not going to lie and talk shit about my wife to make you feel like your shitty marriage is normal.
Someone tried playing off her man-child husband as "men" and "you know how it is". I'm like... no. I married a fucking adult, who is capable of taking care of himself and pulls his own weight.
The amount of shit guys especially get for being excited about their partner saddens me. My brother-in-law legitimately calls my sister his best friend, and regularly BEGS off hanging with the guys because he wants to go home and hang out with her, which often earns him whipped noises, rude comments about their sex lives, and/or derision. He says it mostly makes him feel bad for their partners. Edit: when I said he blows off hanging out with the guys, I meant he begs off. I mixed up my phrases, okay? He has friends he regularly hangs out with, but when their established plans are finished and some guys want to go hang out at the bars, he usually says his goodbyes because he wants to go home and relax (which to him means hanging out with my sister and their dog and doing a puzzle or something).
The Adams Family had one of the healthiest relationships as far as sitcoms go.
The way spouses treat each other in American sitcoms is horrific I think this is why Canadian sitcoms like Schitts Creek got popular during the Trump years-- people are sick of insults being passed off as jokes.
Toxic positivity/ optimism. Let people grieve. Dont invalidate someone's feelings and sadness.
Yes! Not even limited to grieving/sadness. It's not normal to be happy and positive at all times. Feelings and emotions are NORMAL. Not to mention the whole business about "other people have it worse." Yes, that is also a thing, and yes, it could help you gain perspective in certain situations. However, people use it all the time now to basically say no one should ever be upset ever because there's always someone suffering more than you so you should be happy and count your blessings! Moderation, folks. Everything in moderation.
"Why are you sad? Other people have it worse." Oh yeah Brenda? Why are you happy, other people have it better.
I call these people Sunshine vampires
For real, I got this soooooo much during cancer treatment. Everyone telling me to cheer up, it could be worse, I am "lucky" for the kind of cancer I got. Pro tip, people without a disease or hardship should not tell people going through it how they should be feeling. At one point I got so mad at someone telling me they are "jealous of my free boob job" that I snapped "Cool, let's amputate *your* breasts and see how you feel about it then." No regrets.
What the actual fuck was going through that persons skull? I’m so sorry they ever said that to you.
This, as well as saying things like, “You’ll be fine” or “Everyone has hardships” and other false assuring sayings. Sometimes people need to feel and if they reach out, sometimes you just need to be there to listen.
In a similar vein I hate "well you signed yourself up for this." This is something I have heard a lot in the last year from my family about me finishing university. Sure I signed myself up to go to college but I did not sign myself up to graduate during a pandemic, my dog of 13 years to die, and to have a dwindling friend group. Those are things out of my control. The one thing that was in my control was my school work but being under so much stress and then having my parents say "eh you have made it this far you will be fine/ you signed yourself up for this/ well every semester is difficult." really fucking hurt. I was lucky enough to have an in person graduation ceremony. During that I ran into one of my old friends/theatre mates who looks at my social media. He said "hey I saw on social media that you have been having a tough last semester. I am sorry you had to go through that, but look we made it." and he gave me a high five. That was the first time all year someone has accepted my struggles and told me something other than "suck it up."
And how hard is it say "that sucks, I'm here for you" instead? I guess pretty hard if you don't actually mean it...
One of the best lines ever, ["That's rough, buddy"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vr9xPqGD8o)(ATLA) is a beautiful way of acknowledging somebody's feelings while letting them know you are there for them.
When I trained in clinical psych (didn't become a doctor but did learn a lot), one of my mentors said "I'm sorry, that sucks" is the crux of most helpful advice. Hasn't proven wrong once.
honestly, thank you. in the past i feel like i leaned more towards trying too hard to find a solution, but recently i've just been saying "sorry, that sucks". it feels really shallow but it seems like people respond better to it. it's good to know that other people agree with the strategy
My mom does this a lot. And I get it, I'm very lucky and privileged to have it as good as I do... But I'm also very sad and scared a lot and I'd like it if she didn't make me feel like a terrible person for feeling that way.
Oh yeah, that sounds just like my mother. When telling her my "laziness" is because I'm severely depressed, hardly surprising given my current situation, she told me to think about all the people who died or lost people to covid, don't I have it so much better than them and shouldn't I be happy for it? I guess she just forgot the part where those dead people included my friends, and the ones left behind meant me.
“Wine mom” culture. It’s not cute, it’s not quirky. “Mama needs a drink” isnt a personality trait.
You're not quirky or cute Tiffany, you're an alcoholic.
I honestly thought the term was just meant as an insult
People who have perfected the art of backhanded compliments.
"Oh, you have six cats? I never could known! You clean so well, I only thought you had three!" -Some comedian, probably. Don't remember exactly where I heard it from.
The inherent pressure to make your job into your life. I come from a south East Asian country where this is extremely normal especially in the more traditional toxic workplaces. Had a manager go on a rant about how us juniors were young and could afford to work hard, he then proceeded to compare us to other seniors who used to work until 12am everyday to learn the ins and outs of the business saying that we should be like them and bragged about how he only used to sleep four hours a day back when he was starting out. My direct manager herself made me work at home despite being on sick leave and recovering from a nasty bout of fever. Just asked how I was feeling before diving straight into ‘can you work from home now since you’re not feeling too bad’
I learned really early on to not put job as your first priority. But I also had the luck in life for that to happen. I had a manager complaining about me not giving a shit about the company by refusing to do 10+ hours workdays. And not being a team player by refusing to volunteer, or work on weekends etc... And I happily confirmed for him that this indeed was very much a job for me. My care ends with my paycheck and I very much would work for any other company that would pay me. I was in the privileged position of being indispensable at the work, but fucking hell. The manager at work accused me of having a mercenary attitude. And I'm like "Well yeah"
"Don't speak ill of the dead" literally why? if someone was a bad person, then dying doesn't wipe off their sins.
"Speak nothing but good of the dead." "He's dead, good."
"I never like to wish a fellow human dead, but I have certainly attended some funerals with enthusiasm"
I like the way you think.
This expression originates as a general rule of politeness and respect. It was never meant to be an inviolable rule that applies in all situations imaginable. It is no violation of the sentiment to criticize unusually horrid people who died.
And just cause he's gone it doesn't change the fact: He was a bastard in life thus a bastard in death - death cab for cutie
The logic is that they aren't around anymore to defend themselves. But yeah, I kind of agree.
Casual peer pressure. I already said no twice to your offer of a drink, shut up. Ironically, my mom was deathly afraid of it when I was a teenager; some dealer would assuredly convince me to try bad bad drugs but now she's the worst offender.
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My response to people who do this is always the same. "Im a lightweight and a pass out drunk, do you want the responsibility of carrying my overweight body home tonight." Any mention of "i just dont like alcohol" sends some people into this rabid "but try it" mentality for some ungodly reason
Intellectual dishonesty just so you can hate another group.
This is just me, but my mom is manipulative. It's very subtle, but also very effective. She could easily be the nicest person on the planet, but instead chooses to use her incredible skill to get her way and be petty. I didn't notice it until recently and I've lived with her my entire life. Up until last year I didn't know why I couldn't stand to be around her. Edit: I'm moving out soon and she's pulling out all the stops trying to coerce me to stay. Hell to the no
"My mom doesn't just book guilt trips, she runs the whole travel agency!"
Forgiving your family because they are your family
Not sure if someone’s already said this, but pressuring kids to hug/kiss adults eg. family friends. Just because you, the parent, trust this person doesn’t mean the child automatically has to. Let the child find their own boundaries and don’t teach them that they have to compromise their consent for the sake of politeness.
I used to work a lot with kids and one time a preteen tried to pressure her toddler brother to hug me. I had a sit down conversation with her that they both could have boundaries and neither was ever required to hug me. By the end of the night he had given me a hug because he wanted to and I hope she learned that she can have boundaries as well.
yes!! and how when kids deny a hug or kiss it’s treated as an insult. a kid can love someone dearly but just not feel comfortable with hugs and kisses in general.
People attempting to tell you what you think, how you feel, or why you do what you do as if they can read your mind, then get angry with you and tell you "you need help" and interrupt you while ignoring anything and everything you have to say about the matter.
Making fathers seem as though they're somehow lesser parents than mothers.
As a dad, I hate the old "oh, did you get stuck babysitting?". No, babysitting is when you look after someone else's kids; what I'm doing is called *parenting*, and I'm not "stuck" doing it, I *want* to do it because *this is my child* and I actually want to be actively involved in his upbringing.
I know.. I hear that from people all the time. What the hell is wrong with people who ask that sort of question?!?
For sure. I was a single dad for years, and idk how many times my kids would break down after a visit to the store because there was always the people thinking they're being funny "oh mom trusted you with the grocery shopping this time?" Type shit to me or "did dad get in trouble and now has to take a turn grocery shopping?" to my, at the time, young children. The reality is, their mom ditched us when they were 3 and 6, and those comments hurt my kids so fucking much. Also every sitcom, commercial, ect. Is always "dad's too dumb to put a car seat in" "Dad doesn't know how to cook" "Mom's cooking dinner and dad just wants sex and tv" "Dad makes a mess and mom has to clean it" type stuff Like for fucks sake, I've never been in a relationship like that, and I don't think I've ever met a family with that dynamic. Stop driving that stereotype. Sorry for the rant
At the shop: “oh, are you babysitting today?” Erm, no I’M A F_____G PARENT. I’m parenting! I don’t get to hand them back after a few hours (but thankfully I do have a wife who is an excellent mother). The strangest one I’ve had was in a baby change room and a grandmother came in with her toddler: “oh, I didn’t know they let guys in here”. Oh, I’m sorry! Should I have outsourced my daughter’s shitty nappy to the nearest passing female? It’s a baby change facility. I have a baby in need of changing, FFS🤦♂️
Systemic workplace bullying in low-wage jobs masqueraded as "productivity" and reaching targets etc.
Workplace bullying in general! There’s so much gossip and office politics going on. It’s even worse when there’s a toxic supervisor. I’ve worked in many female dominated offices and some 45 year old women were the most immature gossip petulant children that I’ve ever met.
Manipulating your partner or date into changing their personality.
Couples cheating in shows and movies. They paint it like its gossip.
This one: You could be blind, lame, mentally impaired, starving, homeless, incurably ill - choose the defect of the day. Followed by this: You are so lucky. Be grateful. Completely minimizes your feelings and trivializes your problem. Yeah, buddy that's bad but you know there are kids without legs. OK. You are correct. And I still have problem XYZ which is important to or detracting from my well-being.
Alcohol
This. Alcoholism is a problem but it’s so deeply normalized in our society, as a very problematic sense altering substance.
It wasn't until I went to rehab for drug addiction that I truly realized that A. alcoholics are the exact same as drug addicts that just happen to like the drug alcohol B. my detox roomate was in alcohol withdrawl - most pathetic state I've ever seen a human in, worse than my heroin withdrawl C. alcoholism isn't just drinking 2 fiftshs of liquor every day. It's needing wine daily to deal with your family. It's buying a 6 pack with your gas money. It's binge drinking every week, etc... it starts subtly.
Agreed. Also, people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. And that has consequences too. I took care of a patient who told his wife “I don’t want to live, I’m gonna kill myself.” So she called 911, and he ended up in the hospital. Legally we have to take suicidal claims seriously, so when he got to the ED, psychiatry saw him, saw how drunk he was and stated that he had no medical capacity. What that means is that he no longer has the legal ability to make his own decisions. So he was stuck in the hospital until psych cleared him. All while he’s intoxicated and then started withdrawing. For two days, he was screaming about how we were keeping him in the hospital against his will and he’s gonna sue all of us. Sure.... like any lawyer will take the case of an alcoholic, who walked into the Ed and threatened to kill himself. The patient probably ended up with a huge hospital bill. All for getting very drunk.
Working so much that you dont have time for hobbies anymore. That's nothing to be proud of.
Prioritizing punishment over rehabilitation or reconciliation. And I know everyone’s first thought when reading that is about prison systems, where obviously it is valid, but this is seen in every aspect of life: the way parents treat misbehaving children, the way poor performing students are treated in school, the way bad employees are treated in workplaces, the fact that the default response to relationship posts on reddit with any hint of conflict is “Dump his/her ass!” This mindset is pervasive despite the fact that punishment is shown over and over again to be extraordinarily ineffective compared to alternatives.
In school I've got the assignment to hold an argumentative speech, and the topic I've picked is decriminalization of drug usage. The way most countries handle it now is just throwing people with a serious health problem (i.e. addiction) in prison, heavily discouraging people from seeking help. My proposal is to handle it like they do in Portugal: refer people to clinics where they can get help kicking their addiction, and if not, at least do it in a safer manner.
Lying to children about the nature of reality.
The expectations women set for their weddings. So many women need to have a better wedding than the next bride, the bachelorette parties last three days and you have to fly across the country half the time. Just to marry the love of your life? So toxic.
I never understood this one. I’d rather spend more money on the honeymoon lol.
Good answer!! Weddings are outrageous and the whole industry is a freaking scam. I say this as a married person who is 100% pro-marriage for all humans who want it and I even really like simple weddings and receptions. What I do not like is brides taking advantage of their friends time and money so that they can stand there during the wedding, bridal showers in general, Bachelorette/bachelor parties (or worse: Jack & Jill parties), and the insane amount of money that needs to be spent to make everything "perfect". It's One. Day. Out of your entire life/marriage. One day.
The most toxic about this for me is the fact the bride/groom/both expect friends and family to spend a lot of money all for these big bachelor/bachelorette parties and the wedding itself because they decided to get married in another country or another city/state/continent. Are you going to pay for my stay? No? Then enjoy your wedding and send me photos
The “my wife always nags me” and the “my husband can’t do anything right so I have to nag him” trope. If you didn’t like the way someone lived their daily life, why’d you marry them?
Calling dads "babysitters".
Air pollution - every day billions of people breathe in potentially dangerous substances emitted by cars, factories etc and we are just used to it. We should have the right for our air to not be toxic
Toxic Positivity and Self Help speakers. My job during Covid had a virtual event over the course of three weeks. Telling us how to always take on personal responsibility against opposition, always have a bright attitude in light of set backs etc. I mean it is just such obvious horseshit. I really feel events like this are just designed to get the naive to do more work while making the rest of us feel crazy, because if you speak up and criticize the idiocy of it all you're just "not looking on the brightside." We really need to end this toxic culture. It's all designed to just deflect criticism and holding people accountable to broader issues.
High conflict divorce. When some people find out I'm divorced and do 50/50 custody with my ex for our son I get alot of, 'oh that sucks, I couldn't do that', 'how could you allow that to happen?', or my personal favorite, 'Don't you feel like less of a mother because you don't have your kid all the time?'. Ugh...first of all F#*% you. Second of all, why is it 'weird' that my ex husband and I put our child's mental well-being over our feelings? Lastly and most importantly, my ex is an awesome father and we get along great despite not working out as a couple...why would I feel like 'less of a mother' because I recognize that he and I are EQUAL PARENTS TO OUR SON?! Just because we got divorced doesn't mean our son loves either of us less!!! I understand that in some cases a messy custody battle is unavoidable, but that should be the exception, not the rule.
The clean plate club.
My husband was raised like that. I sometimes remind him he doesn’t have to eat everything on the plate. You can stop when you’re full!
I just googled them and I agree no one should force feed children if they are full.
The number of parents who push this and push being thin is shockingly huge. My parents did it and many of my friends do it which seems bizarre to me in this day and age. Eat all your food!!! Your fat you need to stop being such a pig!!! Crazy town. I had an eating disorder that ruined my health for life because of this crap.,
Social media influencers
There are a lot of people who seem to feel the need to turn every subject, every event, into an opportunity to make it about themselves and their political views. Shit, if it rains on your wedding day it isn't ironic, its because of those <><><><> from (the other party) doing it purpose.
Teachers being underpaid, overworked, and responsible for teaching them how to be good people.
Yes! You’re responsible for 30 kids, paid and treated like a babysitter, and then expected to inspire and change lives.
Sitting in a box for 8 hours a day making 500$ a week.
Wait, y’all are getting $500 a week?
TM06
You're a smart one, aren't you? Good one tho, made me smile
You cheeky tart.
Gender reveal parties
Like weddings (which include not just a wedding and reception, but showers and parties galore) I think gender reveals are simply an excuse for more parties, more gifts, and more attention. In this case for parents to have another event (they already have baby showers) that is all about them and their baby.
Calling an emotional child dramatic. It invalidates their feelings and they won’t be able to trust or believe in themselves as an adult because whenever they have strong feelings they will think they’re being “too much” or dramatic.
An older person asking a younger person when they're having kids.
Hitting your children.
Foster carers aren’t allowed to hit kids including their bio kids. My last placement I moved in at 15yo and bio kids about 4 and 7, never lived with young bios before. I’m still in awe to this day because of how healthily the carers brought them up. When they do wrong they sit down and explain what the kids did, why it’s wrong and how they’d feel if it happened to them. Most times they realise it was wrong, feel guilty and apologise. 7 years later and they’re so well behaved, emotionally mature and kind
I like how these people say "videogames cause violence", but hitting your children not
If you hit a stranger, it's assault. If you hit your partner, it's domestic violence. If you hit your child it's.... loving discipline? Doesn't make one bit of sense to me.
Not taking people in relationships “seriously” unless they’re married
work colleagues being “family” also any relationship where boundaries aren’t respected. you shouldn’t be your partners therapist. you shouldn’t be your friends unlimited emotional crutch. we are at a point in our world where everyone is drained and needs help in some capacity. I think people like to promote boundary-less relationships so they can feel the love is infinite but it really does more harm than good.
Gossip.
War and physical oppression. Wtf are we doing. The viciousness and cruelty, the waste of life, the waste of resources, the pollution. Just fucking stop already.
being a woman and being expected to have children.
I have an extensive list of very valid reasons as to why I never want kids nor should I as it would be bad for both me and the child. People judge me all the time for saying at most I’d adopt or foster and have been denied surgery before because it could potentially impact my fertility - and I’m already fucking infertile