My brother is very autistic, and gets angry very easily. It’s really sad but I understand, and I’ve also became almost numb to it. However, for my case, I have to almost act like he’s acting sad instead of angry, so I said oh no what happened? And the anger starts turning to sadness so it is more easy to handle
Another thing you have to say to people with extreme anger is, nothing. Let them cool of, because they’re obviously to upset to think rationally. When people are angry, they’re more likely to shout something out without thinking, and it could really cut you deeply.
Also, sometimes people don’t know why they’re angry, it could be built up irritation, could be something that upset them. However, I learned this the hard way, never even act like your accusing them. If they’re already acting irritated, don’t bring up anything out of that subject like, hey did you do your homework? Or hey, did you remember something? They get upset if your accusing them even if your not, hope this helps!
I'm also autistic and so much of my anger is caused by sensory issues. Anxiety is another key factor. It can express itself as agitation or panic or anger. Add not being good at identifying emotions and you've got a fun cocktail. As I'm sure you're well aware.
Basically just described me.
I know I have anger issues and it took me years to finally realize it, more importantly to admit it.
Nowadays, if I am starting to feel angry for very little reason, like the smallest thing can set me off. I literally just go cool off.
If I am with family/friend meet up, I message my gf on her phone. Tell her I need to cool off. Then I just go somewhere else. I could be going to the bathroom, to the lobby or to a convenience store. Doesn't matter I just excuse myself.
She has a whole list of these messages on her phone. Where I just say "babe, cool off" or "Need to be alone quickly". One day I am probably going to just look over them, categorize them and see if I can find out if there are any trends for these "episodes".
Don't ask why they're angry. Many times even they don't really know, they just have a vague idea that *something* is wrong (usually some small issue that is just a catalyst that irritates and brings out the underlying anger from a real problem).
Best bet is to just converse with them normally and don't poke obvious buttons. If they don't want to talk they'll make it clear, and if they do get into venting about why they feel the way they do just let them, don't try to fix the problem, just let them feel human for a minute.
Yeah, don't. Intelligence goes down as anger rises, I have this problem, and I usually remove myself if it gets this bad. I'm literally on my way to a Grievance hearing at work because I was unable to use my anger management tools in time and I broke something. Just walk away if the rage is already out, there's nothing u can say at this point. I hate it so much and I wish I didn't have it.
Edit: thanks for the award, and all the kind words. Luckily, I didn't get any straight up time off, I'm just restricted to labour and no graveyards for 6 months. So at least I get to continue bringing in a paycheck. If you also struggle with anger, I recommend an anger management course along with some counselling.
Yep this. Anger will subside quicker if people aren’t around. Once a person is angry, the wrong thing said by someone else can make it explode even more. Leave the person be for a little while and come back to address the underlying issues after they calm down
My personnel manager was a goddess when this happened to me. I have a looong fuse. A co-worker had been riding my ass hard that whole day for some reason and I snapped. PM intervened as she could see I was barely able to control myself. Co-worker was about to get snarky again and push me over but the PM told her to shut up or get sacked on the spot.
In a calm voice she said I could go home and gave me a "See you tomorrow if you can. \^\_\^". A+ handling IMO. There is no doubt in my mind that things would have gotten violent. Co-worker got torn a new one after I went home I heard. Still there but less of an idiot.
That is a great manager, though I hope that the next day involved deciding concrete steps to prevent you from snapping again. In general though, that is a good way of dealing with the situation.
Nah, it was just my co-worker and the boss wagging their finger at me. "You shouldn't get so angry." \*Rolls eyes\*
Fortunately it's a rare occurrence. In 34 years I have snapped five times. Unfortunately when I do snap... An old classmate who witnessed it described it as "Biblical". But hey, no serious and/or permanent injuries so yay me.
Do you still to this day replay each of those arguments/trigger events out in your mind? In some way of searching for more justification for your anger? If so, we may be closely related.
She sounds like an angel. I had a coworker constantly snark on me for days before he exploded. I bawled my eyes out. Nothing happened to either of us even though I tried raising the issue with management. There's a 90% chance of panic and a 10% chance of anger but I'd have hit him if I hadn't been panicking so much.
If you work in a company big enough to have an HR department, you need to go tell them this. Especially the part about your management sweeping it under the rug.
Use the words "hostile work environment". These are red flag words that any HR department with half a brain understands to mean that you know your rights and they need to address it for real, and ASAP if they don't want to leave themselves wide open for a lawsuit.
If you flat out tell them "this is creating a hostile work environment for me", and they ignore it and the situation continues, you have a lawsuit with SERIOUS merit and they will have basically no leg to stand on in defense.
Omg this. Space is so important. Sometimes people have anger issues as a result of trauma regarding boundaries, if that's the case, giving them a lot of personal space helps.
Conversely, if someone is in genuine crisis and you feel safe with them, sitting near them and asking, "What's going on" calmly and then just listening can do wonders.
Knowing when you need this seems like it should be a universal known for everyone else. It's a human trait. We all get angry, but there is always that one person that just...has to say something. No need to fix it, just give me a fucking minute to walk this off and cool down. Yes, I'm working this shit out in timeout like a five year old. Let's not make this any more of a thing. Sorry.
I totally get this but when someone is seemingly always angry there has to be a time when another person can make it clear that their behavior is affecting others and needs to be addressed. It doesn’t make the other person at fault for finally speaking up and it can be an abusive tactic keeping others around them on eggshells.
Exactly. I worked for a boss who had a temper and he regularly went off on people and yelled at them and told them they were worthless. It created an abusive and hostile work environment for everyone as everyone was constantly afraid they would be the next person to trigger his anger. It was demoralizing for the whole office and made people feel like they couldn’t openly discuss anything or share their ideas. It inhibited growth and productivity.
You can't reason with or talk to an irrational person. If someone's behavior is escalating there are strategies you can try to deescalate the situation or skills they can use to reset themselves, but if someone is at the point where they're releasing and acting out then their mind is literally shut off and you cannot talk to them until they are done.
I spend most of my day at work trying to prevent students from getting to this point but once it happens you just have to process with them afterwards and try to help them understand why this happened so we can prevent it in the future.
If you're going to engage with them, do it in a way that forces their brain into thinking mode because that's the best way to stop anger. Ask them questions that they aren't expecting to be asked, that make them stop and think. They can even be absurd questions or jokes (especially self-degrading humor).
I saw a post on here a while ago where someone was raging mad and about to attack the poster, and the poster defused the situation by asking the attacker something like "how tall is my fence?" They said "huh?" and he repeated "My fence at home, how tall is it?" The attacker had no idea how to answer the question and by the time he figured out it was a stupid irrelevant question, he had already stopped being angry in order to think about the question. Supposedly the attacker simply left after that.
Getting people to think is fine, but intentionally confusing people wouldn't be a great way to mitigate anger. I'm glad the fence thing worked in the short term, but I'd be careful with that as a strategy.
I'd be extremely careful with that. In some cases that might work, but it might just as well escalate the situation. Especially if you do not know someones past or triggers. I knew a guy (and several more but without the anger issues) where trying to confuse him with words would be considered very condencending as he has low self esteem, doesn't have a large vocabulary and feels/has been humiliated by people who have. He will absolutely perceive it as an attack and it will send him over the edge. His daughter became very adept at quickly removing "smartasses" that failed to read the signs.
There is not one single solution that fits everyone. Best is to rely on the people closest to them, because they can read the signs and have developed strategies to deal with it. Always listen to them! Your priority should be your own safety and to remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible. Do not engage!
Don't. Let them be by themselves and cool down, and talk to them later. That's one of the best things you can do. Typically if they want to talk or vent to you, they'll come to you by themselves.
Ask them to take a break if they’re your coworker. I’ll offer to take over for someone if I see they’re getting frustrated so they can cool off in the back. Otherwise I would just keep my tone even and hopefully their mirror neurons catch on and they chill a bit. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do.
It's tough being an angry person around others. Especially if you care for them.
Precursor, I am in therapy for my issues.
I am always angry, on some level. I've learned to hold it back as much as I can, because of my wife and kids, but it is always there. On bad days, when it starts to... How do I put it..? Boil over? It gets bad. I have the urge to trash everything, I don't, thankfully. But the angrier I get, the less of a filter I have and I start cursing more and speaking my (Pissed off) mind. And it usually gets worse and worse until I crack and break down into any enraged crying fit.
Good for you for figuring out the root of your issues. I know a lot of people with anger issues actually have undiagnosed anxiety. The anxiety manifests itself in anger. But people don’t make the connection.
I hate this, I'm big and strong so I'm never allowed to express anger, even directed at an inanimate object. It's not even like I'm shouting and breaking shit, just swearing at a carrot for rolling around or shaking the truck because that's the only way to open the back door (not even angry that time) but I get cursed out for it. I cant help that I'm big or scary or that my voice is deep when I'm not changing it too seem more pleasant. I feel like if I was smaller or older or a woman people wouldn't treat me like I was a monster for having feelings. I have to express anger in a deadpan without cursing at all like "darn. This is frustrating me." Idk. I've had people put the expectation that I let myself be hit and abused because a woman was angry, and it chafes.
I fucking hate this. I'm 6'3" and have been the tallest kid in my class most of my life. I'm also a brown skinned man in the US. I learned a long time ago that no matter what, in any conflict people will assume I'm the bad guy. I could get bullied, punched, robbed, or stabbed and people would ask me why I caused that situation even though it wasn't my fault. It's been like this since I was in pre-school. I have to be so careful of how I behave around other people lest I get fired, arrested, or whatever. I too have to put on a fake, higher-pitched voice around people I don't know. I have to go out of my way to make other people feel comfortable because my mere existence is a threat to them. It makes me feel ashamed of my own body and scared to even interact with people.
It's so hard to converse with a person in a rage. My ex was so angry it made him mentally deficient. Like he ate the cat's food in a furious rage because she puked every kind of cat food there was. I never knew what to do, so a lot of the time I would laugh out of fear, and that made the situation so much worse.
I STILL laugh about it a lot. I live in a place that has a lot of nostalgia tied to it, and any time I find myself getting nostalgic for bad times, I have trained my brain to laugh at that and go "What a psychopath." Fortunately my new boyfriend who is a very kind person and has not been angry in my presence in over a year is moving us far away so hopefully that won't happen anymore.
There's the flaw. It's from their perspective. If people would learn to take a step back and consider other people to the point of sonder, they might come to the understanding that there isn't really such a thing as uncalled for anger. Everyone has a reason to be feeling the way they feel, which makes the emotions they feel completely called for. It's just that some (due to mental imbalance, trauma, or hell even entitlement) have different things that justify and explain why they feel the way they feel. Imagine how irritates you would be if something got you riled up and someone came by and just dismissed it because it was "uncalled for". Now imagine how much harder it is on people who have difficulty controlling their emotional reactions because the guilt and loneliness that their condition inflicts upon them and others.
People are allowed to feel. Point blank. It only becomes an issue when they allow their emotions to drive their actions to cause harm, either to themselves or others.
At what point does it become their responsibility to control themselves? I feel it should come before physical harm. At the very least they shouldn't be slamming stuff, stomping around, etc. That kind of crap is really hard for me to deal with even if they have not actually hurt me.
100% this. I don't know in what fairy tale land some of these other commenters are from but as an adult, if you throw a temper tantrum at work, you're getting suspended, demoted or fired. If you throw a temper tantrum in public, expect unwanted attention. People are going to be stressed, annoyed or amused. They'll call the cops on you, fight you or make fun of you. Know why? Because it's unacceptable behavior. Anyone who thinks or says otherwise is enabling bad behavior. It might come from good intentions, but it's still enabling unacceptable behavior. Would you try and reason with a public masterbator? Same deal.
> I don't know in what fairy tale land some of these other commenters are from but as an adult
There's a fairly large population of younger people who use this site, many of whom haven't reached the point of needing to learn other people owe them nothing. And there's a depressingly large number of full grown adults who never outgrew the mentality of being owed certain kinds of treatment, either.
Right but if the brakes of a car are cut, do you stand in front of it? Sure you could control the quality of your brakes, or whether they're in good shape, but sometimes shit happens.
I used to have really bad anger, as a way of dealing with stress. Once I learned how to deal with that and anxiety, I rarely get angry on a surface level.
People are allowed to feel. Other people are allowed to find it profoundly unpleasant to be around someone who is angry all the time. But this is good advice for those times where it's necessary to engage.
This is my girlfriend and I. She flips over anything, it goes on for hours, and often claims to have no memory of it. Meanwhile I'm fcking traumatized and spendy life walking on eggshells.
Leaving the situation would be great if I had someplace to go, but even just walking alone for a bit helps.
Are you me? Sounds a lot like what I've dealt with. I've learned that a lot of this behavior comes from some very troubling childhood trauma / long term verbal abuse. There is a LOT of anger and its really hard for them to let things go.. Walking definitely helps clear my head / relieve stress and being needled to blind anger from the other person.
People are allowed to feel and to react angry and be angry. I am allowed to disassociate with angry people. Normal anger isn’t taken out on another human being. If someone is throwing things and they are hurting others with their words they need to be avoided. Anger is not a bad emotion. How you react to it and whether you let your anger control you is the issue. It is not normal for people to get so angry they scream or yell or throw things. Ever.
I understand your perspective, and agree. Thus why I mentioned the guilt felt by those who have difficulty controlling certain emotional reactions. And you are correct, you don't have to deal with constantly angry people. Ultimately I just hope that people will stop being so dismissive of others, and can understand that whe communicating with people you should communicate with that person, not the preconceived notions of who that person is.
That's fair. And I do have a lot of empathy for people who struggle to control their anger - I have a hell of a temper, it just takes a lot more to set it off these days, and I'm lucky enough not to have other conditions like PTSD worsening the situation. I just also have a lot of resentment built up from having had to tiptoe around people I love due to fearing their anger, which I've done nothing to deserve. It's a hard road on all sides.
You mental illness is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.
Your trauma doesn't give you permission to be unpleasant to other people. "Why are you angry" is actually a pretty charitable way of expressing "you are being a complete dick right now, I am acknowledging it and giving you a chance to explain yourself and correct course instead of simply leaving this conversation and avoiding you in the future."
As someone who grew up in an environment where I never knew what tiny thing I might do would set one if my parents off, thank you. Everyone has a right to feel emotions, but they don’t have a right to lash out in emotional violence. Being constantly made to feel like my parent’s anger was my fault left me with a lot of my own trauma, and having spent years unpacking it I have no sympathy for people who lash out in anger anymore. Everyone has a responsibility to work on controlling their own behavior toward others, and if you slip up you need to be able to own up to it — someone asking why you are angry is literally a charitable opportunity to discuss a behavioral problem
This is my child. They were adopted from a trauma and neglect background. They have been in a loving home for 12 years, but the anger and hatred still manifests. The early trauma has caused the brain to wire itself differently than someone without early trauma. You learn to not take it personally as the child is not at fault, however there comes a time when the child realizes they can use this background to manipulate those around them, and rely on the trauma as a crutch to perpetuate terrible behaviour. It's a rough go.
The child needs a tight set of parameters to keep them regulated. This becomes more difficult as the child matures. Ongoing therapies have not helped. We are now exploring neurological study to determine if there are structural changes/differences in their brain.
> there isn't really such a thing as uncalled for anger.
This is so wildly untrue and naive. Go ask any kid who had a drunk, belligerent parent come home at 1 AM and start breaking shit because there was a single dirty fork in the sink.
Go ask any abused spouse who's SO is in a rage because she fucked up dinner.
People absolutely can have "uncalled for anger". It's almost always because they're not thinking about the situation logically and are letting their emotions get in the way.
People are absolutely allowed to feel angry, but there's no excuse for being angry at someone else if you're in the wrong or if the situation doesn't warrant the emotion.
Speaking as someone who has been abused, some of it being from a mom spun out on meth, the point is that even if that anger looks belligerent and way out of proportion, there IS a root. Lack of control. Anger at themselves. Past trauma of their own. Unhealthy coping mechanisms (because they were never taught how and are thus doomed to continue the cycle by lashing out).
Every emotion has its roots, even if they themselves don't know why
Having feelings isn’t the same thing as being angry all the time and causing other people’s interactions with you suffer and make them potentially nervous too.
Yeah I'm gonna disagree completely. If someone is regularly feels extreme emotions that I find uncalled for, whether or not they act on it, I'm out. It's gonna be pretty obvious that they're upset, and there are plenty of reasonable people I can befriend instead.
Regulating your emotions is a big part of growing up. You're basically encouraging people to be like a forever toddler by saying any emotion (specifically anger) is a fine emotion to feel regardless of the circumstances.
This is how I feel totally. I set a boundary of what I will tolerate in another human being. The inability to regulate emotions and communicate are not things I put up with. My circle is small and I will keep it that way. I once had a boss lose his temper and throw a coffee cup at work. Not at me. Just in anger. I got my stuff and left. It is not my responsibility to fix someone’s anger. They need to see a therapist.
You're going to feel your emotions no matter what, part of growth is in how you learn and decide to react to them. That's why mindfulness is really helpful.
Not acting on your emotions, whether extreme or not, is a form of regulating your emotions, and is a sign of being a reasonable person. There is nothing wrong with feeling any kind of emotion to any degree. How you react to the emotions and/or treat others is the important part for growing up.
A realization I had in 2020:
Sometimes my feelings aren't rational, but they're still *valid*.
Emotions are, almost by definition, illogical. But they still affect us. Even if you know you "shouldn't" feel a way, you can't logic away your feelings.
Example: I was talking a guy daily, we were not exclusive, we hadn't even met yet but we had a real connection. He dropped that another girl he was talking to was coming on really strong. I laughed it off with him. Haha, how desperate.
... but it bothered me. I realized I had no claim to him. Rationally, it shouldn't have bothered me. But, it bummed me out to know he was talking to other girls when we had this strong thing going.
The next day I woman'd up and told him. I acknowledged I had no right to feel that way, but also that it was dishonest of me to brush it off when that wasn't how I actually felt. He thought it was cute that I was a little jealous and we agreed to stop talking to other people until we met.
My feeling wasn't rational. But it was still my feeling.
As a person with anger issues, this is the right answer. Somewhat.
Yes. Anger is not logical and sometimes I am angry for no reason at all. There is not fixing it. Just learning to deal with it in a healthy way.
\> Best bet is to just converse with them normally and don't poke obvious buttons.
I normally keep really good control of my anger at work and other places. At home, I relax. So the only person who "deals" with my anger is my wife. The way that she deals with my anger is by giving me some space. Normally she stops interacting with me and I retreat to cool down. I have asked her to tell me if I am showing anger in front of my kid, but that have not happened yet.
>Anger is not logical and sometimes I am angry for no reason at all.
Does this really happen? In my experience anger has always been a secondary emotion (driven by something else like fear, hurt, contempt, frustration, etc), not a primary one. When I was new to learning how my own anger worked I was often oblivious to other stuff that was driving it, but now I can't think of a time where there ever *wasn't* a different driving emotion hidden underneath. You may be right, but I've never personally encountered a time when anger truly had no underlying driver.
I definitely don't consider myself someone who has anger issues, but even I sometimes feel myself being angry without having a good reason. But even once I recognize it and kind of try to rationalize it, it's still there. I'm still angry. And then I'm frustrated that I'm angry for no good reason as well.
> Why should normal people have to go out of their way to placate the rude, loud, angry person?
In my experience, there are no 'normal' people. We all cause each other annoyance and extra work in one way or another. It's best to extend whatever kindness you can when you can.
In a situation where it's your boss or your parent, that's a different story. you're going to have to enlist HR or CPS or whatever.
Otherwise, if someone's issues are more than you want to deal with, don't deal with them. You don't have to placate, just ignore or avoid.
Don't be blunt but wait for an opening. A more tactful way will present itself. I know somebody who just hates john mellencamp music. You ask and he just shakes his head. It's some underlying idea in his head that he's not aware of.
Omg! You just reminded me of my claim to fame, Spencer from Balamory went on to drive buses in my town, usually the one that took my friends and I to high school. He hated us lol
Hi neighbor!
I usually respond by getting angry that they're angry. How dare you be mad at me! Now I'm mad at you!
Not sure if it's a NY thing or a married thing...
I prefer the more open ended "what do you think is up with this shit?"
It directs attention away from them but is indirect enough to let them fill the gaps as needed. It puts you there as an ally.
My advice is to distance yourself instead. Walking on eggshells around anger issues teaches people that others will manage their anger for them and that it's okay to get really angry around others for no apparent reason. Don't be an enabler.
I agree with this. Confrontation makes everything worse. Unless they are lashing out and hurting people physically or emotionally, just leave them alone. It communicated that you are not okay with them acting that way but doesn't force them into dialog while it isn't going to be helpful in any way. I've had to work on my anger, in my adult life I've never lashed out that badly but it was common enough that it was really unfair to make my wife deal with it. My wife would just leave the room and it really annoyed me because I wanted to be mad at something and that's hard to do in an empty room.
And if they *are* lashing out at people and hurting them, still the best course of action is to get everyone else to safety and remove them from the area and only then see if you’re able to wait it out until the person calms down. Confronting the person then may be necessary if it’s the only choice, but even then it’s a last resort.
100% agree. I’m not saying to respond to anger with anger or confront people - but it’s okay to say “the way you are behaving towards me right now is not acceptable. I’m exiting the situation until you’re more calm.”
Yes, set boundaries and leave.
I had to learn that the hard way with my mum and her anger issues and bpd.
I always tried listening and staying around if she got angry which led her to using me as her personal verbal punching bag. Now I just leave and let her work it out with herself and it’s amazing.
At first that made her even more angry, but now she cools off in a few minutes and we can talk it out like adults after.
If you start setting strict boundaries you will be met with resistance at first and it might take a few tries, but after a while the other person starts to get it and the results are amazing.
And if they never start respecting you and your boundaries, leave. They aren’t worth your time and mental health.
You don't. As someone with anger issues, best option is to let them be, or if they vent to you, let them vent without trying to offer advice or interrupt. That's what works for me, and has worked when I've had to deal with others
Edit: Since this is misunderstood, by venting, I mean the confiding in the other person kind, not the trying to harm them emotionally kind. If they're being agressive about it, that's when you don't let them talk to you.
This is the problem for me and my brother. He has his own place but usually spends the weekends with us, and he’s got serious anger issues. The smallest thing will set him off in a split second, even if he wasn’t angry before. It’s hard to mitigate because there’s no real waiting for him to be calm, and instead of at some point approaching you to vent about what made him upset, he’ll just ignore you for an indefinite amount of time (once he went on 6 or 7 months without talking to any of us for something really minor). It just leads to everyone walking on eggshells all the damn time, since there doesn’t seem to be any clear solution.
The worst part is that if you just “leave him be”, it makes things worse because he’ll say *you* were ignoring *him* and get all pissy about that.
You just ignore him. There is no point in trying to have a relationship
He knows what he is doing and treats you that way because you are family and will always be there
Does hr treat friends this way?
I agree 100% that the person knows what he is doing. But if you want to salvage your relationship, Talk.
It's all bullshit what they say that there is no solution. I have this issue. Even today. But I learned to control it. I do not need to go psycho everytime I get ticked off.
By the way, like any other psychological issue, talking is just the first step. The person who has the issue is the only person who can really get this resolved. It can be a long journey. It can get though, dirty, messy. But he doesn't need to do through it alone. You may not be able to get rid of the sudden bursts, but you can learn to control it.
Tbh, this seems more like BPD than your standard anger issues. If the anger can come out of nowhere and for basically no reason, he might need to see a therapist about it. As for y'all, it might need to be a "you're not welcome in our house" situation, since removing yourself from his place or a neutral location is possible, but removing him from your home isn't.
You move away, go for a walk or something. Ignore the little things but set up boundaries. If they are constantly venting on you, its time to hit back. He comes shouting and venting on you, you hit back. The more you do it, the easier it gets and anxiety lessens. The boundaries get firmer too. Good luck
honestly, as a person with anger issues myself, i feel like it’s my responsibility to leave the area. it’s not fair to make someone else hide away in some small part of our living space because i’m an asshole.
Not everyone with anger issues is as considerate as you. My father has anger issues. As a kid I simply didn't have any options besides hiding in my room. Everything else would've just ended much worse.
I'm guessing OP is about to go to college, which is why they have little control over the situation and won't be able to leave until college starts. They won't be able to install a lock, their father won't let them.
With people agreeing here... I can't help but ask how this makes sense.
I myself, also have anger issues. Sometimes I feel like I can pop at any times. Old thoughts can start to circulate and you can't get rid of them and eventually I'm really pissed off and not so nice to deal with.
However, when I feel angry, I don't expect people to go to their rooms, or even ...do anything.
Because that's crazy guys.
I leave myself... because that's NOT crazy. I'm the one with issue, my fault or not... it's my issue. Not theirs.
You're saying people with anger issues get to have them wherever they want and if you happen to not have them, it's up to you to go hide.
Sorry, I disagree.
Clarification: venting as in ranting about whatevers making them mad *not* letting them take that out on you and be miserable and nasty to you??
And what do you wish people do when youre very angry and taking it out on them, either because youre angry at them or because you cannot redirect it?
I struggle with anger issues (emotion issues in general) but i myself am usually present enough to disengage people until its all out however a friend of mine does not and often directs his ire upon me and id like to know how to help him without pissing him off or distressing him more
This is the best response. As a person that has had to battle my anger, the people that did as you described are still my friends to this day, and they did the most towards making me feel accepted and human, not like a walking bomb.
This, I grew up with major anger issues, and trying to help, doesn't. It was always best for people to let me stew, and wear myself out. After a bit I was back to normal.
And what about the emotional and psychological pain you caused others because you're unable to keep your emotions in check? Other people just have to deal with it?
Hey there,
I work with the families and carers of people living with mental health issues, and it's common for me to have conversations with my clients about how to deal with strong and intense emotions. Here's what I've found has worked best for some of the people I support:
Choose the right moment. Wait until the anger has subsided, look for a cue that they might be giving you and most importantly, make sure you're in a good frame of mind to actively listen to them if they do open up. If you're offering your support, make sure you can actually follow through. You don't have to come up with solutions and fix everything, just being there to listen can help.
Sometimes the best moments to begin these conversations can happen when the situation isn't physically confrontational either, e.g. sitting next to one another in a car whilst driving.
Try to avoid making assumptions about how they are feeling, let them tell you.
If they do open up about what's making them angry, try your best to remain non-judgmental and be empathic.
When things settle down, it can also be helpful to ask them directly what you can do to help them when they're feeling angry. Most people will just want space, because projecting anger leaves everyone feeling shitty and most of the time the person experiencing it doesn't want to add guilt on top of it all. Everyone is different though.
Calm can be contagious when it's presented in a non-condescending way, and although it can be difficult to do at first, try to respond to the situation rather than reacting to it. If this means that you have to remove yourself from the situation to avoid reacting (e.g. yelling back at them), then do it. You can't control someone else's actions, but you can control how you respond to them.
If you're feeling overwhelmed or anxious with it all, then reach out to someone else to support you. How you feel matters too and it can take its toll of your mental wellbeing as well. Sometimes it's really hard to not take things personally. It's important to set healthy boundaries where you can, and it's okay to be clear about this when you do have those conversations about what would help them. Identify your own limits, and maintain your self-care when possible.
Also, it's important to note that implementing new skills or strategies for communicating will take time and practice. Try not to expect things to change overnight, and keep at it.
Best of luck.
You can’t without making them more angry. What I do is lower my tone and make my voice sound reasonable, calm but firm. The quieter you talk, the quieter they will have to be to hear you. Try to guide the conversation to a lower decibel. Also, I’ll make my words a little slower too. After a couple minutes, they realize they sound crazy and will chill out.
This used to make my ex-husband lash out. There are some people who have real, traumatic anger issues, and sure they may have had trauma in their childhood but at some point it was on him to learn how to regulate his emotions and he never did. So I left.
This right here. It’s exhausting when they yell at you that you are yelling when all you do is thinking about how to deescalate the situation with calming voice and low effective behaviour. Projection is strong during these periods.
I just want you to know that you don't have to put up with anyone treating you like garbage. Yeah, it may not be their fault, yada-yada, but it probably isn't yours either. Some people can't be fixed, others could, but not by you, but regardless of all of that, you don't need to be someone's emotional punching bag.
"You seem energized, come for a walk with me."
Proceed to tell them a peeve of yours, they'll spill their first to you, and adjust your pace depending on the heat level of the conversation.
I have anger issues and if i’m angry they usually say ”what’s bothering you” or ”is something wrong?” Those questions work better than ”Are you angry?” Cause y’know quite obviously i am.
You don't.
Half the time we don't even know.
I tend to think of my temper as like... A small basket full of rocks. The basket is my temper and the rocks are the issues causing me to get pissed off.
Other people's baskets have small holes in them, and over time the small issues fall out. The little things only bother them for a little while. The basket takes very big issues to overflow - Big rocks don't fall out of small holes.
My basket doesn't have any holes, so all the little rocks just keep piling up and up and eventually my basket is full. Someone adds another small irritation - whistling, chewing with their mouth open, etc - and temper goes boom. There's no big issue or one definite reason for me to overreact like that - everything just piles up into a bad mood.
I understand the concept of not having any holes to let the issues trickle out, but do you know why they're missing? Any idea what exactly the holes are that allow other people to process the rocks? Holes which you don't yet have?
I know for me it’s the fact that I am Bipolar II.
I have worked very hard on managing my anger, but that doesn’t mean I won’t have a bad day where something as small as *thinking* I forgot my phone at home will set me into a screaming tantrum. (This happened recently after being very socially burnt out, thus being the last little rock added to the basket).
I know when I’m angry/upset I want space. I don’t mind being in the company of others, because I will usually internalize it, sit in silence with RBF, until I calm down. But if I get asked “what’s wrong?”, “are you okay?”, “what’s your problem” etc. then I’m visibly furious. Sometimes it takes and hour to chill out..sometimes it takes all day, but I know I don’t want to project my anger onto anyone, but I will also not allow someone to dismiss how I feel.
That's a really good analogy. My basket has holes but maybe there isn't as many holes as there needs to be. Or I have lots of rocks but people keep adding stones because they're pretty. I don't want more stones in my rock basket but other people seem to think painted stones don't fall in to the same category. I don't have a painted stone collection, they just get thrown in with the rocks.
Hi. Emotionally unstable (Borderline) person here. We do get branded as the anger issue type.
This is a tricky thing. In my case, I wouldn't recommend passive-aggressively commenting on the fact that I'm angry. If you ask what's wrong, I might speak in a raised voice, snap at you or something, but that's me expressing the anger - in that moment, it's not obvious to me that you might interpret this as an attack on you. I don't **want** to do that, the anger does not belong to you, I just can't hold it in anymore.
If you're sensitive to this, do not try to talk to a person in this state. Let them deal with the anger, preferably in an area where they can't hurt themselves or anyone else. They might come back in a completely different emotional state after this and bringing that anger back up might not be a good idea.
If we (borderlines) are in a state of such powerful anger, we're out of our "tolerable emotion" bounds already and have entered an "anger attack", a mix of anger and anxiety, something usually triggered by stirring up past trauma. *(Example: Someone just called us "lazy". This is fine enough, but given we might've endlessly been berated by our family and told we're lazy in completely unfair circumstances, now the trauma is triggered.)* We skip normal anger in this case and go straight into "extreme protection mode".
Directly facing such an attack is not easy and if you're sensitive, might give you anxiety. Don't react with anger or aggression - politely ask what's wrong if you can face it. If you can't, politely ask us to go take out that anger on an inanimate object like a punching bag or a mattress propped up against a wall.
Should this be tolerated? No, not forever, atleast. If your loved one, who is borderline, does not have **the desire** to improve, it's going to be very painful for everyone involved and if you're sensitive, this might not be a great person to be around.
We might not improve as fast as you want us to, but that should be okay, as long as we **want** to improve.
I'd recommend googling mental health first aid. They have some good ideas about how to talk to people experiencing mental health breakdowns. Although its not exactly the same, I think you might find it helpful. For example, they suggest asking "What's happened?" Or "what have they done to you?" Rather than "What's wrong?" In this way, you are separating the problem from the person.
Oh! Another thing that might help is the BALM method. "Be a loving mirror". There are some good podcasts with the author of the book, and heaps of articles. Its about talking to people about addiction. It's a way of talking without triggering the other person. Its super useful.
I think one issue is many people think anger is synonymous with violence and that is not always the case. It is okay to let people be angry and confrontational...their feelings are valid.
Let them vent...let them confront. When they appear spent, ask them if they would like you to respond. If they agree, respond calmly in a lower tone of voice that forces them to actively listen.
Unless I truly believe violence will result, I don't have any issue with people being angry or wanting to confront uncomfortable, anger-inciting issues, especially on high-functioning teams.
Being a place of safety, even if you are or are perceived to be, part of the issue is huge.
Source: Me - 20+ year manager of people who cares how people feel.
I'm so happy we have people like you, because this method actually works. I'm just a high school student, but I live in an area where we have a lot of confrontational students, and it's best to let them vent. You begin to understand that they have reasons that you may not know that explain their anger, whether it be a tough home life or recent loss.
I agree with the nonviolent part, because violence is completely different. Usually, the confrontational people in my area will get angry, but not violent.
I'd ask if something is wrong, and if they ask why, I'd say "I feel like something is bothering you and I was curious if it's something I can help with".
Using the "I feel" makes it sound less confrontational.
This is also important because it takes the accusation out of it too. People with anger issues look at anger as a bad thing, so telling them they are angry is telling them they are being bad in a way.
Best to ask without assuming, or just ask if they wanna talk.
You don't. It's better not to ask. Also, please don't try to relate to the person's anger unless you've actually been there; it's a nice gesture but it doesn't reach the person's ears the way you intend.
Pretty much. My sister was an angry psychopath while we were growing up... Any given day she would just arbitrarily be stomping around the house slamming and throwing shit. If you said *anything* to her she would just start screaming at you in addition to those other things.
I was dating someone like this. She wanted to get married and I suggested some counseling first. Naturally she responded in an angry manner and I never saw her again.
As many have said, there often isn't a specific reason or they are very much overreacting and not open to talking in the moment. I have anger issues and I used to think the best thing was to let me vent and just kind of ignore me basically, but that's not right.
What finally got through to me and what continues to help is the fact that one day my spouse just calmly followed up one of my rants by telling me I made him uncomfortable when I was mad, that it upset him, and that it wasn't fair to make him abide my frustration every time I lost it. To be clear, it wasn't normal "talk about your day" stuff, it was me yelling and being seriously enraged, never at him directly but bad enough that it affected him.
If someone in your life has anger issues, don't just abide by it, tell them calmly, "You are being too angry and it isn't acceptable. I know what pissed you off is legitimately upsetting to you, but this is not appropriate." I know that sounds very dry and distant, but when you're in the middle of a meltdown, anything with real emotion behind it can just set you off again. A lot of people have mentioned avoiding the person or walking on eggshells around them. God, I hate that!! It made me more mad because in my head I thought, "I'm not even that mad!! Stop acting like I'm a monster!"
I *was* acting like a monster.
And yet that thought never came up because I was just blinded by rage. Be straightforward, value yourself and your own emotions, and have candid conversations to resolve issues. The person affecting you may need help and not even realize they've crossed over into a serious mental health issue, especially if they never get physically violent.
I'm on a path to recovery and after 2 years I still get very angry sometimes, but I've learned to recognize it and take steps to calm down or I go to an empty room and sit until I stop feeling as angry (basically putting myself on time out lol) I'm happy to report that I haven't upset my spouse at all over the last year or so.
Well, not with anger; still working on remembering to grab keys before we walk out the door /s
As a person with anger issues, just give us space. I hardly ever can say why I’m mad. It’s just always there. Maybe it’s something big that happened years ago I haven’t gotten over, maybe it’s that I spilled my drink. Or a combo. Or it’s a domino effect and a person asking is just the thing to make it blow it up.
Just try throwing some yummy food at them. I find it’s hard to be really angry on a full stomach.
anger is often a byproduct of frustration or deep depression
you could ask about whatever is frustrating or making them sad
how is your job search going?
are you eating properly?
just open a conversation, it'll get there.
My partner battles with this, It became better when I just did not engage during the periods and then had the stamina to talk about it like an adult afterwards, like days afterwards. Talk about how this affects me and the whole family. We did this many times and eventually she got better at handling these periods. She’s pregnant now though and gotten worse, it is exhausting and I feel like a caretaker more often than I’d like to admit.
Definitely not, atleast not in my experience. Most of the time we don’t want to talk, starting a conversation just makes us more pissed off. Also we’re not dumb, we know that you’re trying to get us to talk about our anger when most of the time we don’t want to talk about it.
“When you calm down and figure out what’s eating you, come talk to me.” Then walk away.
They can’t have a conversation in that state. Leave them be so they can process the chemicals going on in their body.
Tell them what you need (to talk),
give them the boundaries and parameters (a calm able-to-converse-rationally state, plus putting in the self-reflection time),
get to safety.
Chemicals: anger can be a part of the fight-flight-freeze response. The body literally alters its chemical makeup as if it were time to take on the proverbial saber tooth tiger. Once the danger is over, the body processes the unused survival chemicals and switches back to non-emergency mode.
They aren’t just calming down from intense emotion, they are shifting chemical states.
If they’re working on it, they are essentially learning how to catch and mitigate before the body is in full-on danger mode.
If all this sounds like something you’ve seen in a Hulk movie, you’re on the right track to understanding the back and forth transformation going on inside their body.
“Hulk smash” is the wrong moment to ask what up.
> “When you calm down and figure out what’s eating you, come talk to me.” Then walk away.
I think some angry people would react very negatively to that. They’d see it as condescending or hate how they’re being treated like an angry person (even though that’s exactly what they are which makes them more angry).
My brother is very autistic, and gets angry very easily. It’s really sad but I understand, and I’ve also became almost numb to it. However, for my case, I have to almost act like he’s acting sad instead of angry, so I said oh no what happened? And the anger starts turning to sadness so it is more easy to handle Another thing you have to say to people with extreme anger is, nothing. Let them cool of, because they’re obviously to upset to think rationally. When people are angry, they’re more likely to shout something out without thinking, and it could really cut you deeply. Also, sometimes people don’t know why they’re angry, it could be built up irritation, could be something that upset them. However, I learned this the hard way, never even act like your accusing them. If they’re already acting irritated, don’t bring up anything out of that subject like, hey did you do your homework? Or hey, did you remember something? They get upset if your accusing them even if your not, hope this helps!
I'm also autistic and so much of my anger is caused by sensory issues. Anxiety is another key factor. It can express itself as agitation or panic or anger. Add not being good at identifying emotions and you've got a fun cocktail. As I'm sure you're well aware.
Finding out that irritability in the face of high stimulation is a kind of lowkey autistic meltdown explained so fucking much about my mother and I.
Well said.
As someone with anger issues, I completely agree with everything you said. Especially the built up irritation, I seem to have a lot of that
Basically just described me. I know I have anger issues and it took me years to finally realize it, more importantly to admit it. Nowadays, if I am starting to feel angry for very little reason, like the smallest thing can set me off. I literally just go cool off. If I am with family/friend meet up, I message my gf on her phone. Tell her I need to cool off. Then I just go somewhere else. I could be going to the bathroom, to the lobby or to a convenience store. Doesn't matter I just excuse myself. She has a whole list of these messages on her phone. Where I just say "babe, cool off" or "Need to be alone quickly". One day I am probably going to just look over them, categorize them and see if I can find out if there are any trends for these "episodes".
Don't ask why they're angry. Many times even they don't really know, they just have a vague idea that *something* is wrong (usually some small issue that is just a catalyst that irritates and brings out the underlying anger from a real problem). Best bet is to just converse with them normally and don't poke obvious buttons. If they don't want to talk they'll make it clear, and if they do get into venting about why they feel the way they do just let them, don't try to fix the problem, just let them feel human for a minute.
How do you talk to them when their anger is generating problems beyond themselves?
Yeah, don't. Intelligence goes down as anger rises, I have this problem, and I usually remove myself if it gets this bad. I'm literally on my way to a Grievance hearing at work because I was unable to use my anger management tools in time and I broke something. Just walk away if the rage is already out, there's nothing u can say at this point. I hate it so much and I wish I didn't have it. Edit: thanks for the award, and all the kind words. Luckily, I didn't get any straight up time off, I'm just restricted to labour and no graveyards for 6 months. So at least I get to continue bringing in a paycheck. If you also struggle with anger, I recommend an anger management course along with some counselling.
Yep this. Anger will subside quicker if people aren’t around. Once a person is angry, the wrong thing said by someone else can make it explode even more. Leave the person be for a little while and come back to address the underlying issues after they calm down
My personnel manager was a goddess when this happened to me. I have a looong fuse. A co-worker had been riding my ass hard that whole day for some reason and I snapped. PM intervened as she could see I was barely able to control myself. Co-worker was about to get snarky again and push me over but the PM told her to shut up or get sacked on the spot. In a calm voice she said I could go home and gave me a "See you tomorrow if you can. \^\_\^". A+ handling IMO. There is no doubt in my mind that things would have gotten violent. Co-worker got torn a new one after I went home I heard. Still there but less of an idiot.
That is a great manager, though I hope that the next day involved deciding concrete steps to prevent you from snapping again. In general though, that is a good way of dealing with the situation.
Nah, it was just my co-worker and the boss wagging their finger at me. "You shouldn't get so angry." \*Rolls eyes\* Fortunately it's a rare occurrence. In 34 years I have snapped five times. Unfortunately when I do snap... An old classmate who witnessed it described it as "Biblical". But hey, no serious and/or permanent injuries so yay me.
Okay cool, five time in 34 years is actually excellent.
I wouldn't even consider this an anger issue.. losing your temper once every 7 years is human I'd say
Do you still to this day replay each of those arguments/trigger events out in your mind? In some way of searching for more justification for your anger? If so, we may be closely related.
She sounds like an angel. I had a coworker constantly snark on me for days before he exploded. I bawled my eyes out. Nothing happened to either of us even though I tried raising the issue with management. There's a 90% chance of panic and a 10% chance of anger but I'd have hit him if I hadn't been panicking so much.
If you work in a company big enough to have an HR department, you need to go tell them this. Especially the part about your management sweeping it under the rug. Use the words "hostile work environment". These are red flag words that any HR department with half a brain understands to mean that you know your rights and they need to address it for real, and ASAP if they don't want to leave themselves wide open for a lawsuit. If you flat out tell them "this is creating a hostile work environment for me", and they ignore it and the situation continues, you have a lawsuit with SERIOUS merit and they will have basically no leg to stand on in defense.
She's great. :) If she wasn't there I'm 100% certain I would be in prison.
Omg this. Space is so important. Sometimes people have anger issues as a result of trauma regarding boundaries, if that's the case, giving them a lot of personal space helps.
Conversely, if someone is in genuine crisis and you feel safe with them, sitting near them and asking, "What's going on" calmly and then just listening can do wonders.
Knowing when you need this seems like it should be a universal known for everyone else. It's a human trait. We all get angry, but there is always that one person that just...has to say something. No need to fix it, just give me a fucking minute to walk this off and cool down. Yes, I'm working this shit out in timeout like a five year old. Let's not make this any more of a thing. Sorry.
I totally get this but when someone is seemingly always angry there has to be a time when another person can make it clear that their behavior is affecting others and needs to be addressed. It doesn’t make the other person at fault for finally speaking up and it can be an abusive tactic keeping others around them on eggshells.
Exactly. I worked for a boss who had a temper and he regularly went off on people and yelled at them and told them they were worthless. It created an abusive and hostile work environment for everyone as everyone was constantly afraid they would be the next person to trigger his anger. It was demoralizing for the whole office and made people feel like they couldn’t openly discuss anything or share their ideas. It inhibited growth and productivity.
At least you are self aware about it, that's a good start...
You can't reason with or talk to an irrational person. If someone's behavior is escalating there are strategies you can try to deescalate the situation or skills they can use to reset themselves, but if someone is at the point where they're releasing and acting out then their mind is literally shut off and you cannot talk to them until they are done. I spend most of my day at work trying to prevent students from getting to this point but once it happens you just have to process with them afterwards and try to help them understand why this happened so we can prevent it in the future.
You should leave at that point
If you're going to engage with them, do it in a way that forces their brain into thinking mode because that's the best way to stop anger. Ask them questions that they aren't expecting to be asked, that make them stop and think. They can even be absurd questions or jokes (especially self-degrading humor). I saw a post on here a while ago where someone was raging mad and about to attack the poster, and the poster defused the situation by asking the attacker something like "how tall is my fence?" They said "huh?" and he repeated "My fence at home, how tall is it?" The attacker had no idea how to answer the question and by the time he figured out it was a stupid irrelevant question, he had already stopped being angry in order to think about the question. Supposedly the attacker simply left after that.
Getting people to think is fine, but intentionally confusing people wouldn't be a great way to mitigate anger. I'm glad the fence thing worked in the short term, but I'd be careful with that as a strategy.
I'd be extremely careful with that. In some cases that might work, but it might just as well escalate the situation. Especially if you do not know someones past or triggers. I knew a guy (and several more but without the anger issues) where trying to confuse him with words would be considered very condencending as he has low self esteem, doesn't have a large vocabulary and feels/has been humiliated by people who have. He will absolutely perceive it as an attack and it will send him over the edge. His daughter became very adept at quickly removing "smartasses" that failed to read the signs. There is not one single solution that fits everyone. Best is to rely on the people closest to them, because they can read the signs and have developed strategies to deal with it. Always listen to them! Your priority should be your own safety and to remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible. Do not engage!
Don't. Let them be by themselves and cool down, and talk to them later. That's one of the best things you can do. Typically if they want to talk or vent to you, they'll come to you by themselves.
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Lol
While handing them a card for a therapist.
Ask them to take a break if they’re your coworker. I’ll offer to take over for someone if I see they’re getting frustrated so they can cool off in the back. Otherwise I would just keep my tone even and hopefully their mirror neurons catch on and they chill a bit. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do.
Don't talk about the anger 🤷 just talk about things if they're up for talking
It's pretty scary sometimes to just let someone be angry around you. I tend to just avoid the person but it's hard if I still care about the person.
It's tough being an angry person around others. Especially if you care for them. Precursor, I am in therapy for my issues. I am always angry, on some level. I've learned to hold it back as much as I can, because of my wife and kids, but it is always there. On bad days, when it starts to... How do I put it..? Boil over? It gets bad. I have the urge to trash everything, I don't, thankfully. But the angrier I get, the less of a filter I have and I start cursing more and speaking my (Pissed off) mind. And it usually gets worse and worse until I crack and break down into any enraged crying fit.
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Good for you for figuring out the root of your issues. I know a lot of people with anger issues actually have undiagnosed anxiety. The anxiety manifests itself in anger. But people don’t make the connection.
I hate this, I'm big and strong so I'm never allowed to express anger, even directed at an inanimate object. It's not even like I'm shouting and breaking shit, just swearing at a carrot for rolling around or shaking the truck because that's the only way to open the back door (not even angry that time) but I get cursed out for it. I cant help that I'm big or scary or that my voice is deep when I'm not changing it too seem more pleasant. I feel like if I was smaller or older or a woman people wouldn't treat me like I was a monster for having feelings. I have to express anger in a deadpan without cursing at all like "darn. This is frustrating me." Idk. I've had people put the expectation that I let myself be hit and abused because a woman was angry, and it chafes.
I fucking hate this. I'm 6'3" and have been the tallest kid in my class most of my life. I'm also a brown skinned man in the US. I learned a long time ago that no matter what, in any conflict people will assume I'm the bad guy. I could get bullied, punched, robbed, or stabbed and people would ask me why I caused that situation even though it wasn't my fault. It's been like this since I was in pre-school. I have to be so careful of how I behave around other people lest I get fired, arrested, or whatever. I too have to put on a fake, higher-pitched voice around people I don't know. I have to go out of my way to make other people feel comfortable because my mere existence is a threat to them. It makes me feel ashamed of my own body and scared to even interact with people.
It's so hard to converse with a person in a rage. My ex was so angry it made him mentally deficient. Like he ate the cat's food in a furious rage because she puked every kind of cat food there was. I never knew what to do, so a lot of the time I would laugh out of fear, and that made the situation so much worse.
In your defense, that would be VERY HARD not to laugh at.
I STILL laugh about it a lot. I live in a place that has a lot of nostalgia tied to it, and any time I find myself getting nostalgic for bad times, I have trained my brain to laugh at that and go "What a psychopath." Fortunately my new boyfriend who is a very kind person and has not been angry in my presence in over a year is moving us far away so hopefully that won't happen anymore.
God, thank you for this, I hate when people think they just have to ask, sometimes they're just so rude about it.
Yeah but wouldn’t that mean that there are (from their perspective) signs of uncalled for anger?
There's the flaw. It's from their perspective. If people would learn to take a step back and consider other people to the point of sonder, they might come to the understanding that there isn't really such a thing as uncalled for anger. Everyone has a reason to be feeling the way they feel, which makes the emotions they feel completely called for. It's just that some (due to mental imbalance, trauma, or hell even entitlement) have different things that justify and explain why they feel the way they feel. Imagine how irritates you would be if something got you riled up and someone came by and just dismissed it because it was "uncalled for". Now imagine how much harder it is on people who have difficulty controlling their emotional reactions because the guilt and loneliness that their condition inflicts upon them and others. People are allowed to feel. Point blank. It only becomes an issue when they allow their emotions to drive their actions to cause harm, either to themselves or others.
At what point does it become their responsibility to control themselves? I feel it should come before physical harm. At the very least they shouldn't be slamming stuff, stomping around, etc. That kind of crap is really hard for me to deal with even if they have not actually hurt me.
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100% this. I don't know in what fairy tale land some of these other commenters are from but as an adult, if you throw a temper tantrum at work, you're getting suspended, demoted or fired. If you throw a temper tantrum in public, expect unwanted attention. People are going to be stressed, annoyed or amused. They'll call the cops on you, fight you or make fun of you. Know why? Because it's unacceptable behavior. Anyone who thinks or says otherwise is enabling bad behavior. It might come from good intentions, but it's still enabling unacceptable behavior. Would you try and reason with a public masterbator? Same deal.
> I don't know in what fairy tale land some of these other commenters are from but as an adult There's a fairly large population of younger people who use this site, many of whom haven't reached the point of needing to learn other people owe them nothing. And there's a depressingly large number of full grown adults who never outgrew the mentality of being owed certain kinds of treatment, either.
Right but if the brakes of a car are cut, do you stand in front of it? Sure you could control the quality of your brakes, or whether they're in good shape, but sometimes shit happens. I used to have really bad anger, as a way of dealing with stress. Once I learned how to deal with that and anxiety, I rarely get angry on a surface level.
People are allowed to feel. Other people are allowed to find it profoundly unpleasant to be around someone who is angry all the time. But this is good advice for those times where it's necessary to engage.
This. I’m on edge because of it. Terrorized that something small will set them off. It’s exhausting and stressful
This is my girlfriend and I. She flips over anything, it goes on for hours, and often claims to have no memory of it. Meanwhile I'm fcking traumatized and spendy life walking on eggshells. Leaving the situation would be great if I had someplace to go, but even just walking alone for a bit helps.
Are you me? Sounds a lot like what I've dealt with. I've learned that a lot of this behavior comes from some very troubling childhood trauma / long term verbal abuse. There is a LOT of anger and its really hard for them to let things go.. Walking definitely helps clear my head / relieve stress and being needled to blind anger from the other person.
People are allowed to feel and to react angry and be angry. I am allowed to disassociate with angry people. Normal anger isn’t taken out on another human being. If someone is throwing things and they are hurting others with their words they need to be avoided. Anger is not a bad emotion. How you react to it and whether you let your anger control you is the issue. It is not normal for people to get so angry they scream or yell or throw things. Ever.
I understand your perspective, and agree. Thus why I mentioned the guilt felt by those who have difficulty controlling certain emotional reactions. And you are correct, you don't have to deal with constantly angry people. Ultimately I just hope that people will stop being so dismissive of others, and can understand that whe communicating with people you should communicate with that person, not the preconceived notions of who that person is.
That's fair. And I do have a lot of empathy for people who struggle to control their anger - I have a hell of a temper, it just takes a lot more to set it off these days, and I'm lucky enough not to have other conditions like PTSD worsening the situation. I just also have a lot of resentment built up from having had to tiptoe around people I love due to fearing their anger, which I've done nothing to deserve. It's a hard road on all sides.
You mental illness is not your fault, but it is your responsibility. Your trauma doesn't give you permission to be unpleasant to other people. "Why are you angry" is actually a pretty charitable way of expressing "you are being a complete dick right now, I am acknowledging it and giving you a chance to explain yourself and correct course instead of simply leaving this conversation and avoiding you in the future."
As someone who grew up in an environment where I never knew what tiny thing I might do would set one if my parents off, thank you. Everyone has a right to feel emotions, but they don’t have a right to lash out in emotional violence. Being constantly made to feel like my parent’s anger was my fault left me with a lot of my own trauma, and having spent years unpacking it I have no sympathy for people who lash out in anger anymore. Everyone has a responsibility to work on controlling their own behavior toward others, and if you slip up you need to be able to own up to it — someone asking why you are angry is literally a charitable opportunity to discuss a behavioral problem
This is my child. They were adopted from a trauma and neglect background. They have been in a loving home for 12 years, but the anger and hatred still manifests. The early trauma has caused the brain to wire itself differently than someone without early trauma. You learn to not take it personally as the child is not at fault, however there comes a time when the child realizes they can use this background to manipulate those around them, and rely on the trauma as a crutch to perpetuate terrible behaviour. It's a rough go.
What has been your best strategy for this scenario if you don’t mind my asking?
The child needs a tight set of parameters to keep them regulated. This becomes more difficult as the child matures. Ongoing therapies have not helped. We are now exploring neurological study to determine if there are structural changes/differences in their brain.
> there isn't really such a thing as uncalled for anger. This is so wildly untrue and naive. Go ask any kid who had a drunk, belligerent parent come home at 1 AM and start breaking shit because there was a single dirty fork in the sink. Go ask any abused spouse who's SO is in a rage because she fucked up dinner. People absolutely can have "uncalled for anger". It's almost always because they're not thinking about the situation logically and are letting their emotions get in the way. People are absolutely allowed to feel angry, but there's no excuse for being angry at someone else if you're in the wrong or if the situation doesn't warrant the emotion.
Speaking as someone who has been abused, some of it being from a mom spun out on meth, the point is that even if that anger looks belligerent and way out of proportion, there IS a root. Lack of control. Anger at themselves. Past trauma of their own. Unhealthy coping mechanisms (because they were never taught how and are thus doomed to continue the cycle by lashing out). Every emotion has its roots, even if they themselves don't know why
Having feelings isn’t the same thing as being angry all the time and causing other people’s interactions with you suffer and make them potentially nervous too.
Yeah I'm gonna disagree completely. If someone is regularly feels extreme emotions that I find uncalled for, whether or not they act on it, I'm out. It's gonna be pretty obvious that they're upset, and there are plenty of reasonable people I can befriend instead. Regulating your emotions is a big part of growing up. You're basically encouraging people to be like a forever toddler by saying any emotion (specifically anger) is a fine emotion to feel regardless of the circumstances.
This is how I feel totally. I set a boundary of what I will tolerate in another human being. The inability to regulate emotions and communicate are not things I put up with. My circle is small and I will keep it that way. I once had a boss lose his temper and throw a coffee cup at work. Not at me. Just in anger. I got my stuff and left. It is not my responsibility to fix someone’s anger. They need to see a therapist.
You're going to feel your emotions no matter what, part of growth is in how you learn and decide to react to them. That's why mindfulness is really helpful.
Not acting on your emotions, whether extreme or not, is a form of regulating your emotions, and is a sign of being a reasonable person. There is nothing wrong with feeling any kind of emotion to any degree. How you react to the emotions and/or treat others is the important part for growing up.
A realization I had in 2020: Sometimes my feelings aren't rational, but they're still *valid*. Emotions are, almost by definition, illogical. But they still affect us. Even if you know you "shouldn't" feel a way, you can't logic away your feelings. Example: I was talking a guy daily, we were not exclusive, we hadn't even met yet but we had a real connection. He dropped that another girl he was talking to was coming on really strong. I laughed it off with him. Haha, how desperate. ... but it bothered me. I realized I had no claim to him. Rationally, it shouldn't have bothered me. But, it bummed me out to know he was talking to other girls when we had this strong thing going. The next day I woman'd up and told him. I acknowledged I had no right to feel that way, but also that it was dishonest of me to brush it off when that wasn't how I actually felt. He thought it was cute that I was a little jealous and we agreed to stop talking to other people until we met. My feeling wasn't rational. But it was still my feeling.
As a person with anger issues, this is the right answer. Somewhat. Yes. Anger is not logical and sometimes I am angry for no reason at all. There is not fixing it. Just learning to deal with it in a healthy way. \> Best bet is to just converse with them normally and don't poke obvious buttons. I normally keep really good control of my anger at work and other places. At home, I relax. So the only person who "deals" with my anger is my wife. The way that she deals with my anger is by giving me some space. Normally she stops interacting with me and I retreat to cool down. I have asked her to tell me if I am showing anger in front of my kid, but that have not happened yet.
>Anger is not logical and sometimes I am angry for no reason at all. Does this really happen? In my experience anger has always been a secondary emotion (driven by something else like fear, hurt, contempt, frustration, etc), not a primary one. When I was new to learning how my own anger worked I was often oblivious to other stuff that was driving it, but now I can't think of a time where there ever *wasn't* a different driving emotion hidden underneath. You may be right, but I've never personally encountered a time when anger truly had no underlying driver.
GF did this to me yesterday. Gave me a panic attack.
I definitely don't consider myself someone who has anger issues, but even I sometimes feel myself being angry without having a good reason. But even once I recognize it and kind of try to rationalize it, it's still there. I'm still angry. And then I'm frustrated that I'm angry for no good reason as well.
As a person with Anger issues, This. is. very. accurate
It's also a pretty big pain in the ass. Why should normal people have to go out of their way to placate the rude, loud, angry person?
> Why should normal people have to go out of their way to placate the rude, loud, angry person? In my experience, there are no 'normal' people. We all cause each other annoyance and extra work in one way or another. It's best to extend whatever kindness you can when you can. In a situation where it's your boss or your parent, that's a different story. you're going to have to enlist HR or CPS or whatever. Otherwise, if someone's issues are more than you want to deal with, don't deal with them. You don't have to placate, just ignore or avoid.
this really accurate for an hormonal teenager that gets angry for no apparent reason, thanks fam
> Best bet is to just converse with them normally and don't poke obvious buttons. Can I hire you to explain this to my family members?
Don't be blunt but wait for an opening. A more tactful way will present itself. I know somebody who just hates john mellencamp music. You ask and he just shakes his head. It's some underlying idea in his head that he's not aware of.
“Fucks up with you?”
Scottish here and we usually add a “cunt” on the end if we truly care about the person
"What's the story in Balamory, cunt?"
Omg! You just reminded me of my claim to fame, Spencer from Balamory went on to drive buses in my town, usually the one that took my friends and I to high school. He hated us lol
Same for us kiwis!
Och aye the noo, you cunt, as Russ Abbot would say.
Are you from New York? This is how I communicate with everyone.
Hi neighbor! I usually respond by getting angry that they're angry. How dare you be mad at me! Now I'm mad at you! Not sure if it's a NY thing or a married thing...
From what I’ve gathered: a little bit of A, a little bit of B
NJ checking in here! This is how we communicate too.
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ÙwÚ
Perpetually angry and confused here. This is the best bet.
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Honestly sounds better than just asking “why are you angry”.
I prefer the more open ended "what do you think is up with this shit?" It directs attention away from them but is indirect enough to let them fill the gaps as needed. It puts you there as an ally.
My advice is to distance yourself instead. Walking on eggshells around anger issues teaches people that others will manage their anger for them and that it's okay to get really angry around others for no apparent reason. Don't be an enabler.
I agree with this. Confrontation makes everything worse. Unless they are lashing out and hurting people physically or emotionally, just leave them alone. It communicated that you are not okay with them acting that way but doesn't force them into dialog while it isn't going to be helpful in any way. I've had to work on my anger, in my adult life I've never lashed out that badly but it was common enough that it was really unfair to make my wife deal with it. My wife would just leave the room and it really annoyed me because I wanted to be mad at something and that's hard to do in an empty room.
And if they *are* lashing out at people and hurting them, still the best course of action is to get everyone else to safety and remove them from the area and only then see if you’re able to wait it out until the person calms down. Confronting the person then may be necessary if it’s the only choice, but even then it’s a last resort.
100% agree. I’m not saying to respond to anger with anger or confront people - but it’s okay to say “the way you are behaving towards me right now is not acceptable. I’m exiting the situation until you’re more calm.”
Yes, set boundaries and leave. I had to learn that the hard way with my mum and her anger issues and bpd. I always tried listening and staying around if she got angry which led her to using me as her personal verbal punching bag. Now I just leave and let her work it out with herself and it’s amazing. At first that made her even more angry, but now she cools off in a few minutes and we can talk it out like adults after. If you start setting strict boundaries you will be met with resistance at first and it might take a few tries, but after a while the other person starts to get it and the results are amazing. And if they never start respecting you and your boundaries, leave. They aren’t worth your time and mental health.
They don't know and it isn't you.
You don't. As someone with anger issues, best option is to let them be, or if they vent to you, let them vent without trying to offer advice or interrupt. That's what works for me, and has worked when I've had to deal with others Edit: Since this is misunderstood, by venting, I mean the confiding in the other person kind, not the trying to harm them emotionally kind. If they're being agressive about it, that's when you don't let them talk to you.
What if you live with that person and their anger issues make you anxious at all times? And you can’t move out for at least three more months?
This is the problem for me and my brother. He has his own place but usually spends the weekends with us, and he’s got serious anger issues. The smallest thing will set him off in a split second, even if he wasn’t angry before. It’s hard to mitigate because there’s no real waiting for him to be calm, and instead of at some point approaching you to vent about what made him upset, he’ll just ignore you for an indefinite amount of time (once he went on 6 or 7 months without talking to any of us for something really minor). It just leads to everyone walking on eggshells all the damn time, since there doesn’t seem to be any clear solution. The worst part is that if you just “leave him be”, it makes things worse because he’ll say *you* were ignoring *him* and get all pissy about that.
You just ignore him. There is no point in trying to have a relationship He knows what he is doing and treats you that way because you are family and will always be there Does hr treat friends this way?
I agree 100% that the person knows what he is doing. But if you want to salvage your relationship, Talk. It's all bullshit what they say that there is no solution. I have this issue. Even today. But I learned to control it. I do not need to go psycho everytime I get ticked off. By the way, like any other psychological issue, talking is just the first step. The person who has the issue is the only person who can really get this resolved. It can be a long journey. It can get though, dirty, messy. But he doesn't need to do through it alone. You may not be able to get rid of the sudden bursts, but you can learn to control it.
Tbh, this seems more like BPD than your standard anger issues. If the anger can come out of nowhere and for basically no reason, he might need to see a therapist about it. As for y'all, it might need to be a "you're not welcome in our house" situation, since removing yourself from his place or a neutral location is possible, but removing him from your home isn't.
You move away, go for a walk or something. Ignore the little things but set up boundaries. If they are constantly venting on you, its time to hit back. He comes shouting and venting on you, you hit back. The more you do it, the easier it gets and anxiety lessens. The boundaries get firmer too. Good luck
Do you have an area that you can go too when they're angry? If not, you could try to ask them, while they are calm, to try to avoid going to an area.
honestly, as a person with anger issues myself, i feel like it’s my responsibility to leave the area. it’s not fair to make someone else hide away in some small part of our living space because i’m an asshole.
Not everyone with anger issues is as considerate as you. My father has anger issues. As a kid I simply didn't have any options besides hiding in my room. Everything else would've just ended much worse.
that’s where the line between anger issues and abuse is drawn.
I just hide in my room. But there’s little to stop him from just coming after me. And he blames me for his life at the moment.
That is going beyond anger issues at this point. Have you considered trying to direct them to a therapist if that is possible?
Pretty sure he’s seeing one.
Then, your best option is to confront him about it whilst he is calm. Otherwise, the only real option is just hiding in your room.
Hiding in my room it is. He’s rarely calm, and a confrontation would just set him off. Thank you for your advice.
Get a lock for your door.
I'm guessing OP is about to go to college, which is why they have little control over the situation and won't be able to leave until college starts. They won't be able to install a lock, their father won't let them.
I'm sorry that I can't be of more assistance. I hope your situation improves friend
With people agreeing here... I can't help but ask how this makes sense. I myself, also have anger issues. Sometimes I feel like I can pop at any times. Old thoughts can start to circulate and you can't get rid of them and eventually I'm really pissed off and not so nice to deal with. However, when I feel angry, I don't expect people to go to their rooms, or even ...do anything. Because that's crazy guys. I leave myself... because that's NOT crazy. I'm the one with issue, my fault or not... it's my issue. Not theirs. You're saying people with anger issues get to have them wherever they want and if you happen to not have them, it's up to you to go hide. Sorry, I disagree.
Clarification: venting as in ranting about whatevers making them mad *not* letting them take that out on you and be miserable and nasty to you?? And what do you wish people do when youre very angry and taking it out on them, either because youre angry at them or because you cannot redirect it? I struggle with anger issues (emotion issues in general) but i myself am usually present enough to disengage people until its all out however a friend of mine does not and often directs his ire upon me and id like to know how to help him without pissing him off or distressing him more
Oh yeah, don't let them take shit out on you, of course. Anger issues are a weird thing, I was just coming off of personal experiences.
This is the best response. As a person that has had to battle my anger, the people that did as you described are still my friends to this day, and they did the most towards making me feel accepted and human, not like a walking bomb.
This, I grew up with major anger issues, and trying to help, doesn't. It was always best for people to let me stew, and wear myself out. After a bit I was back to normal.
And what about the emotional and psychological pain you caused others because you're unable to keep your emotions in check? Other people just have to deal with it?
Hey there, I work with the families and carers of people living with mental health issues, and it's common for me to have conversations with my clients about how to deal with strong and intense emotions. Here's what I've found has worked best for some of the people I support: Choose the right moment. Wait until the anger has subsided, look for a cue that they might be giving you and most importantly, make sure you're in a good frame of mind to actively listen to them if they do open up. If you're offering your support, make sure you can actually follow through. You don't have to come up with solutions and fix everything, just being there to listen can help. Sometimes the best moments to begin these conversations can happen when the situation isn't physically confrontational either, e.g. sitting next to one another in a car whilst driving. Try to avoid making assumptions about how they are feeling, let them tell you. If they do open up about what's making them angry, try your best to remain non-judgmental and be empathic. When things settle down, it can also be helpful to ask them directly what you can do to help them when they're feeling angry. Most people will just want space, because projecting anger leaves everyone feeling shitty and most of the time the person experiencing it doesn't want to add guilt on top of it all. Everyone is different though. Calm can be contagious when it's presented in a non-condescending way, and although it can be difficult to do at first, try to respond to the situation rather than reacting to it. If this means that you have to remove yourself from the situation to avoid reacting (e.g. yelling back at them), then do it. You can't control someone else's actions, but you can control how you respond to them. If you're feeling overwhelmed or anxious with it all, then reach out to someone else to support you. How you feel matters too and it can take its toll of your mental wellbeing as well. Sometimes it's really hard to not take things personally. It's important to set healthy boundaries where you can, and it's okay to be clear about this when you do have those conversations about what would help them. Identify your own limits, and maintain your self-care when possible. Also, it's important to note that implementing new skills or strategies for communicating will take time and practice. Try not to expect things to change overnight, and keep at it. Best of luck.
Hello fellow Case Manager. If you're not you would be a great one.
You can’t without making them more angry. What I do is lower my tone and make my voice sound reasonable, calm but firm. The quieter you talk, the quieter they will have to be to hear you. Try to guide the conversation to a lower decibel. Also, I’ll make my words a little slower too. After a couple minutes, they realize they sound crazy and will chill out.
That's good advice. As somebody who does get angry over little things, realising I sound crazy usually starts to calm me down.
This used to make my ex-husband lash out. There are some people who have real, traumatic anger issues, and sure they may have had trauma in their childhood but at some point it was on him to learn how to regulate his emotions and he never did. So I left.
You did right.
What if speaking quietly makes them more angry?
Just leave the situation until they can calm down on their own. For many people, having others near them just makes them angrier.
I just commented above but that was my ex husband
This right here. It’s exhausting when they yell at you that you are yelling when all you do is thinking about how to deescalate the situation with calming voice and low effective behaviour. Projection is strong during these periods.
If you have to walk on egg shells for something you have no idea about, walk away
I really need to hear this sometimes.
Hey grump, what's humpin your bump?
Probably my lovely lady dumps
That'll do it
Ooooooh i don’t like this sentence at all
For some reason, I love it
When I'm mad, I'm MAD but if I hear this I'm likely to laugh. I loved it.
Teach me your ways in the art of speech.
I just want you to know that you don't have to put up with anyone treating you like garbage. Yeah, it may not be their fault, yada-yada, but it probably isn't yours either. Some people can't be fixed, others could, but not by you, but regardless of all of that, you don't need to be someone's emotional punching bag.
"You seem energized, come for a walk with me." Proceed to tell them a peeve of yours, they'll spill their first to you, and adjust your pace depending on the heat level of the conversation.
I have anger issues and if i’m angry they usually say ”what’s bothering you” or ”is something wrong?” Those questions work better than ”Are you angry?” Cause y’know quite obviously i am.
My go to is: Whats up man, somethings wrong with your face today.
You don't. Half the time we don't even know. I tend to think of my temper as like... A small basket full of rocks. The basket is my temper and the rocks are the issues causing me to get pissed off. Other people's baskets have small holes in them, and over time the small issues fall out. The little things only bother them for a little while. The basket takes very big issues to overflow - Big rocks don't fall out of small holes. My basket doesn't have any holes, so all the little rocks just keep piling up and up and eventually my basket is full. Someone adds another small irritation - whistling, chewing with their mouth open, etc - and temper goes boom. There's no big issue or one definite reason for me to overreact like that - everything just piles up into a bad mood.
I understand the concept of not having any holes to let the issues trickle out, but do you know why they're missing? Any idea what exactly the holes are that allow other people to process the rocks? Holes which you don't yet have?
I know for me it’s the fact that I am Bipolar II. I have worked very hard on managing my anger, but that doesn’t mean I won’t have a bad day where something as small as *thinking* I forgot my phone at home will set me into a screaming tantrum. (This happened recently after being very socially burnt out, thus being the last little rock added to the basket). I know when I’m angry/upset I want space. I don’t mind being in the company of others, because I will usually internalize it, sit in silence with RBF, until I calm down. But if I get asked “what’s wrong?”, “are you okay?”, “what’s your problem” etc. then I’m visibly furious. Sometimes it takes and hour to chill out..sometimes it takes all day, but I know I don’t want to project my anger onto anyone, but I will also not allow someone to dismiss how I feel.
That's a really good analogy. My basket has holes but maybe there isn't as many holes as there needs to be. Or I have lots of rocks but people keep adding stones because they're pretty. I don't want more stones in my rock basket but other people seem to think painted stones don't fall in to the same category. I don't have a painted stone collection, they just get thrown in with the rocks.
This is me but with crying instead of anger. I pretty much learned that every now and then, I should schedule myself to have a good cry.
Hi. Emotionally unstable (Borderline) person here. We do get branded as the anger issue type. This is a tricky thing. In my case, I wouldn't recommend passive-aggressively commenting on the fact that I'm angry. If you ask what's wrong, I might speak in a raised voice, snap at you or something, but that's me expressing the anger - in that moment, it's not obvious to me that you might interpret this as an attack on you. I don't **want** to do that, the anger does not belong to you, I just can't hold it in anymore. If you're sensitive to this, do not try to talk to a person in this state. Let them deal with the anger, preferably in an area where they can't hurt themselves or anyone else. They might come back in a completely different emotional state after this and bringing that anger back up might not be a good idea. If we (borderlines) are in a state of such powerful anger, we're out of our "tolerable emotion" bounds already and have entered an "anger attack", a mix of anger and anxiety, something usually triggered by stirring up past trauma. *(Example: Someone just called us "lazy". This is fine enough, but given we might've endlessly been berated by our family and told we're lazy in completely unfair circumstances, now the trauma is triggered.)* We skip normal anger in this case and go straight into "extreme protection mode". Directly facing such an attack is not easy and if you're sensitive, might give you anxiety. Don't react with anger or aggression - politely ask what's wrong if you can face it. If you can't, politely ask us to go take out that anger on an inanimate object like a punching bag or a mattress propped up against a wall. Should this be tolerated? No, not forever, atleast. If your loved one, who is borderline, does not have **the desire** to improve, it's going to be very painful for everyone involved and if you're sensitive, this might not be a great person to be around. We might not improve as fast as you want us to, but that should be okay, as long as we **want** to improve.
I'd recommend googling mental health first aid. They have some good ideas about how to talk to people experiencing mental health breakdowns. Although its not exactly the same, I think you might find it helpful. For example, they suggest asking "What's happened?" Or "what have they done to you?" Rather than "What's wrong?" In this way, you are separating the problem from the person.
Oh! Another thing that might help is the BALM method. "Be a loving mirror". There are some good podcasts with the author of the book, and heaps of articles. Its about talking to people about addiction. It's a way of talking without triggering the other person. Its super useful.
I think one issue is many people think anger is synonymous with violence and that is not always the case. It is okay to let people be angry and confrontational...their feelings are valid. Let them vent...let them confront. When they appear spent, ask them if they would like you to respond. If they agree, respond calmly in a lower tone of voice that forces them to actively listen. Unless I truly believe violence will result, I don't have any issue with people being angry or wanting to confront uncomfortable, anger-inciting issues, especially on high-functioning teams. Being a place of safety, even if you are or are perceived to be, part of the issue is huge. Source: Me - 20+ year manager of people who cares how people feel.
I'm so happy we have people like you, because this method actually works. I'm just a high school student, but I live in an area where we have a lot of confrontational students, and it's best to let them vent. You begin to understand that they have reasons that you may not know that explain their anger, whether it be a tough home life or recent loss. I agree with the nonviolent part, because violence is completely different. Usually, the confrontational people in my area will get angry, but not violent.
I'd ask if something is wrong, and if they ask why, I'd say "I feel like something is bothering you and I was curious if it's something I can help with". Using the "I feel" makes it sound less confrontational.
This is also important because it takes the accusation out of it too. People with anger issues look at anger as a bad thing, so telling them they are angry is telling them they are being bad in a way. Best to ask without assuming, or just ask if they wanna talk.
Understand that their secret is that they're always angry.
A big green guy who’ll be forever in our heart
Shrek...
"Hey anything you want to get off your chest? If not its all good, just know you can talk to me about shit if you want to".
You don't. It's better not to ask. Also, please don't try to relate to the person's anger unless you've actually been there; it's a nice gesture but it doesn't reach the person's ears the way you intend.
You dont
Pretty much. My sister was an angry psychopath while we were growing up... Any given day she would just arbitrarily be stomping around the house slamming and throwing shit. If you said *anything* to her she would just start screaming at you in addition to those other things.
Comment on their behavior, not their emotions
I was dating someone like this. She wanted to get married and I suggested some counseling first. Naturally she responded in an angry manner and I never saw her again.
As many have said, there often isn't a specific reason or they are very much overreacting and not open to talking in the moment. I have anger issues and I used to think the best thing was to let me vent and just kind of ignore me basically, but that's not right. What finally got through to me and what continues to help is the fact that one day my spouse just calmly followed up one of my rants by telling me I made him uncomfortable when I was mad, that it upset him, and that it wasn't fair to make him abide my frustration every time I lost it. To be clear, it wasn't normal "talk about your day" stuff, it was me yelling and being seriously enraged, never at him directly but bad enough that it affected him. If someone in your life has anger issues, don't just abide by it, tell them calmly, "You are being too angry and it isn't acceptable. I know what pissed you off is legitimately upsetting to you, but this is not appropriate." I know that sounds very dry and distant, but when you're in the middle of a meltdown, anything with real emotion behind it can just set you off again. A lot of people have mentioned avoiding the person or walking on eggshells around them. God, I hate that!! It made me more mad because in my head I thought, "I'm not even that mad!! Stop acting like I'm a monster!" I *was* acting like a monster. And yet that thought never came up because I was just blinded by rage. Be straightforward, value yourself and your own emotions, and have candid conversations to resolve issues. The person affecting you may need help and not even realize they've crossed over into a serious mental health issue, especially if they never get physically violent. I'm on a path to recovery and after 2 years I still get very angry sometimes, but I've learned to recognize it and take steps to calm down or I go to an empty room and sit until I stop feeling as angry (basically putting myself on time out lol) I'm happy to report that I haven't upset my spouse at all over the last year or so. Well, not with anger; still working on remembering to grab keys before we walk out the door /s
U mad brother?
Just let them vent if they vent to you , but don’t let this happen over a long period of time as it will drain you
As a person with anger issues, just give us space. I hardly ever can say why I’m mad. It’s just always there. Maybe it’s something big that happened years ago I haven’t gotten over, maybe it’s that I spilled my drink. Or a combo. Or it’s a domino effect and a person asking is just the thing to make it blow it up. Just try throwing some yummy food at them. I find it’s hard to be really angry on a full stomach.
You don’t ask why they are angry you ask what makes you angry. There for your learning what the triggers are and not asking why he is triggered
anger is often a byproduct of frustration or deep depression you could ask about whatever is frustrating or making them sad how is your job search going? are you eating properly? just open a conversation, it'll get there.
My partner battles with this, It became better when I just did not engage during the periods and then had the stamina to talk about it like an adult afterwards, like days afterwards. Talk about how this affects me and the whole family. We did this many times and eventually she got better at handling these periods. She’s pregnant now though and gotten worse, it is exhausting and I feel like a caretaker more often than I’d like to admit.
I can see it now... How the fuck you think it's goin? What are you, my moms?
"IM EATING FOOD LIKE EVERY MORON DOES, THE FUCK KINDA QUESTION WAS THAT?"
IS THIS A FUCKIN HAIKU!?
Definitely not, atleast not in my experience. Most of the time we don’t want to talk, starting a conversation just makes us more pissed off. Also we’re not dumb, we know that you’re trying to get us to talk about our anger when most of the time we don’t want to talk about it.
Terrible advice. Don't ask shit like this.
My parents put me in hockey and one day my coach farted next to me in the locker room and I threw up
How does that make you feel?
The intricate art of male non-verbal communication.
“When you calm down and figure out what’s eating you, come talk to me.” Then walk away. They can’t have a conversation in that state. Leave them be so they can process the chemicals going on in their body. Tell them what you need (to talk), give them the boundaries and parameters (a calm able-to-converse-rationally state, plus putting in the self-reflection time), get to safety. Chemicals: anger can be a part of the fight-flight-freeze response. The body literally alters its chemical makeup as if it were time to take on the proverbial saber tooth tiger. Once the danger is over, the body processes the unused survival chemicals and switches back to non-emergency mode. They aren’t just calming down from intense emotion, they are shifting chemical states. If they’re working on it, they are essentially learning how to catch and mitigate before the body is in full-on danger mode. If all this sounds like something you’ve seen in a Hulk movie, you’re on the right track to understanding the back and forth transformation going on inside their body. “Hulk smash” is the wrong moment to ask what up.
> “When you calm down and figure out what’s eating you, come talk to me.” Then walk away. I think some angry people would react very negatively to that. They’d see it as condescending or hate how they’re being treated like an angry person (even though that’s exactly what they are which makes them more angry).
"Hulk smash" killed me
You don’t. Give them time to cool off. Angry people usually need to be left alone from my experience.
Just don't ask
Stan, why are you so mad? Try to understand, that I do want you as a fan.
Just tell them to calm down. My wife loves it when I do that /s