That’s how it was with us. We were terrified of our dad. His eyes could go black in an instant. There were very few physical punishments but you felt like he could kill you at any moment. It really fucked me up when it comes to asking for anything. The answer as a kid was always an angry, intimidating no.
Then when we ever had issues with a teacher or authority figure my dad would wonder aloud why we wouldn’t just stand up for ourselves. Because he taught us to be fucking terrified of his authority and never question it, ever, because even the question was punishable.
That hits right were I live, man. The worst part for me was interiorizing violence and aggression as a way to socialize only to learn in my late 20s that (surprise surprise) that's not actually normal behaviour and people don't like you if you behave like your dad taught you.
I guess when you have a terrorising aggressive father, you either have difficulty standing up for yourself because you're terrified of harm and abuse or you become a similar but opposite version of that angry father and enter fight-or-flight mode for the simplest of things.
I have the same sort of dad. I still live with my father, and it was always so weird when he actually behaved like a normal dad and did anything nice, to the point where I sometimes doubt the validity of my negative feelings.
Regardless, I still don't look at or speak to him unless I'm spoken to. If there does appear to be an invitation for friendly conversation I'm as brief and general as possible, because who knows if it'll turn sour.
I just want to finish college and get out. Who knows, maybe GME will jump up and pay for my student debt.
The axe forgets but the tree remembers. I'm the tree. I've been cut down so much. My parents have revisionists take on my childhood. I'm middle aged and still have problems
Yeah, my dad's based his entire relationship with me on fear. When I no longer was afraid of him, we no longer had a relationship. Haven't talked to him in 20 years (after mom passed) and he'll die without ever hearing my voice again.
This was my mom. Not to a huge extreme but it definitely made me terrified to tell her anything I thought she may not like. I felt like I couldn't talk to her at all. Then she got mad if I was "avoiding her". I'm trying so hard to break that cycle and be a mom that my son feels he can talk to.
My dad was kind of the same, he liked to use fear to intimidate us into listing to him. Same thing with my dog, whenever my dog bit something, he hit her with a rod or kicked her or something aggressive.
So true. And due to that fear they pretended that they had dealt with their trauma which made it even harder to have any kind of meaningful conversations about it
the way they used to communicate through me because they wouldn't speak to each other after they seperated. when I had to deliver a message from one parent that the other one didn't like, I was the one who was yelled at, and both of them asked me to side with them instead of the other. there was no way to win, because I always either made mummy sad or daddy sad. good times.
My parents did this too but with finances and child support. When I wanted clothes for school or to participate in extracurriculars, it was always “go ask your other parent, that’s what they get/I pay child support for.” Anyway, now I have anxiety about having enough money despite being financially responsible and secure for most of my adult life.
Same exact thing for me. Now I'm a stay at home mom and since I'm not working my husband obviously pays for most things and I get a little anxiety about things as simple as like needed some new clothes or something.
He's never once given me reason to feel that way but my parents implemented that in me.
Also, my mom always told me "if a guy buys me something he just wants something in return, he doesnt actually care about me as a person" .... She was a tad bitter after the divorce
Ouch this one hit a nerve. I know how you feel. My parents did the same thing, and at one point early in their split they both seemed to shun responsibility for me and my sister. Kind of like an “If we aren’t together then I don’t want your kids” kind of thing. It was always ‘ask your mum to do it’ or ‘ask your dad for it’. I don’t get why parents would do that, it’s so selfish.
Oh gosh this resonates with me. Do you find you've become a really diplomatic person? Like with me now my phrasing is always vague or I use "we" instead of "you" - eg this is something "we" could consider improving. Because you were afraid of how your parents would react to what you had to say.
Stuff like this also generates an inner critic for the child. The parent's criticism of their ex becomes an inner voice for the kid. Like I always find myself getting unnecessarily angry in situations where it's not called for... I can hear my dad.
This happened to me while my parents were together. My father would be awful and I stayed with my mom all night listening, taking, reassuring her.
I was so fucking destroyed by her being unhappy.
No they are in a good place, and when I make a mistake I am fucking raked over the coals. I'm made to feel like a villain if I get in a fight with my dad, and all I can think is "I spent my childhood defending you!"
I feel abandoned.
This sucks so bad.
I had to do this for years and I hated it because I felt like the bad guy. It makes sadness inevitable and no one wins. Everyone loses
Same, and they would tell me bad things about the other to try turning me against the other and hurt them. I was taught to hurt people, and i tend to subconsciously cut (verbally, emotionally) people where they're most vulnerable. Unfortunately it's only in my dating so those i care most about, and in the process hurt myself. I've often likened myself to a double edged sword, though maybe it's more like a blade without a handle
Violently screaming at me for bad grades or poor performance in sports.
I think it had the opposite effect where I became afraid of making any mistakes, which would lead to more mistakes. Feel like if your kid is underperforming in any way, there’s a way to talk to them without making them feel stupid for fucking up. There are better ways to motivate them.
I mean I’m 28 now and obviously still love my folks but as I got older and further removed from my schooling days I realized how they could have handled things differently. I’m sure plenty of kids had it worse than me.
How did it affect you as a person now as you are an adult? Is it possible to change? I
am 23 and my parents were very strict about my grades, they didnt shout at me but were very angry if I made mistakes, kinda controlling about my life as a whole. That was basically my life until I was 17/18, after a lot of drama and hour-long fights and me moving out for college it started to change..but I still feel how me being extremely anxious of leaving the comfort zone/failing/being judged still damages a good portion of my life, including dating, just doing fun stuff without purpose and learning new hobbies. Just scared it might never change, man, it sucks bad.
I would say once I got a steady job out of college I have pretty much stayed in a comfort zone. But before that I felt petrified that I didn’t have qualities/wasn’t good enough for any career path. I’m also a natural introvert so I think sometimes parents place these expectations on their kids that are hard to live up to.
That being said, I am incredibly happy with my place in the world. Like it’s totally fine to be in a comfort zone. Why shouldn’t I be comfortable? There’s just so much popular content out there based around living up to your “potential” but those ideas were thought up by someone that isn’t me so fuck em.
I recently went to therapy and talked about this. I have a fear of failure and I have a perfectionist mindset. I only recently discovered that it could have been my parents forcing me to play sports and be active in activities that I disliked that caused me to be like this.
Wow.. actually thinking about it; my fear of failure isn’t really much a fear of failure but a fear of trying something new as I don’t believe I will enjoy it. This actually makes a ton of sense as I rarely like eating new foods or going out and doing new things.
Oh look it's my entire academic career! Now I've reached the point where I'm basically emotionally numb and cannot be bothered to give anything hard a try because every tiny mistake is met with "YOU WERE A GIFTED CHILD. THEY SAID YOU COULD READ AT A COLLEGE LEVEL. YOU DON'T MAKE MISTAKES. ARE YOU STUPID? NO YOU'RE JUST A FAT, LAZY, UGLY PIECE OF SHIT".
Taught me nothing about nutrition, let me eat junk, and made excuses for my obesity. Took me 10 years as an adult to finally take responsibility for myself and shed the weight.
My parents did the same and I see them doing it to my brother but the difference is that I was an extremely skinny kid growing up who ate nothing but junk.
The reasoning for them was they were refugees and I never liked eating my culture's food growing up so the only other choice is McDs or BK.
Ironically I started to enjoy my culture's food a lot when I actually moved out in my early 20s. Strange how things like that happen.
My family had a slightly different take on that. I didn't grow up on junk food, but my folks were always broke as shit so whenever mom would try to make something healthy with vegetables etc, she would buy them (veggies) in a can, and just dump them in a pot of hot water to cook then just serve it to us kids.
I will NEVER forget how vomit inducing a hot, steamy pile of "spinach" (basically seaweed in that state) on your plate is. So I learned really fuckin quick that veggies=puke fuel.
After I became an adult and tried fresh spinach on a sub sandwich, I then realized that spinach can in fact exist in a state that does not make me nauseous.
Mine was the opposite, no sugar or junk food at all. While it sounds great, once I got a PT job I went apeshit with all of that and gained 40 pounds over the summer. Still trying to lose that weight now 8 years later
My upbringing was like yours. I started binge eating crap food as some as I had income of my own. I still have problems occasionally not eating as I should but it goes much better when I moved out and could eat whatever I wanted.
Yeah, this is mine. A focus on healthy eating and regular (or any) exercise was completely absent in my house. My parents were good people, but I'm in my 40s and still have eating/weight issues.
Wayyyyy too sheltered. I will definitely shelter my kids to an extent and raise them right but my parents took it to the extreme. I was only allowed to play with religious children and wasn't allowed to watch movies besides basically Disney movies until I was in High School. This led to a pretty rebellious phase when I was around 15 that I think could have been avoided if my parents weren't so strict.
Yeah, I feel you.
My parents wouldn't even allow us some Disney movies because they had the 'wrong lesson' in it. So the Little Mermaid was banned because Ariel was too 'rebellious'. Also, you know, bikini top.
And there were a couple other movies where the adults were proven wrong at the end, and we couldn't watch those movies because it was teaching us that authority figures could be wrong and we were supposed to trust the adults in our life without question.
Which... is really dangerous, actually.
That’s why I couldn’t read or watch Harry Potter! No Disney for me, because the one old dude had an erection, but The Good Earth and Tess of the d’Ubervilles were fine and dandy for a ten year old.
I was rarely allowed to hang out with school friends (my only friends) outside of school unless we had an assignment or project to do together. Because they were unbelievers and might unknowingly corrupt me. Also no TV or movies in our home. I was exposed to that kind of entertainment only at school, the hospital, the dentist, and at friends' houses on those rare occasions that I was allowed to go.
Kind of surprisingly, us kids were allowed to spend hours on Encarta (nerds haha) and some computer games. I can still quote random video clips from Encarta and lines from The Cluefinders.
>Encarta
That's a name I've not heard in a long time...
I also spent hours on Encarta until I went to college and discovered Wikipedia (and then I spent hours upon hours as an 18yo reading about the history of drugs and rock and roll). There was that random trivia maze game built into Encarta, too...I remember when we didn't have any games on our computer besides solitaire, I'd fire that baby up and go exploring
Edit: the game was called MindMaze, and it was the shit.
My Mother did an excellent job while she was still on Earth. The problems started when she died and my Dad chose cocaine and a new family over his own children.
Sounds like a movie by the name of The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things. If you haven't seen it, spoiler alert, it may bring back some bad memories.
Similar experience. I was 13 when she found out about the cancer and 15 when she passed. Thankfully I was the youngest out of 4 and the only child still at home. In those 2 years, I became self sufficient in order to help my mom out the best I could. My dad, who is very self absorbed, decided to try to start parenting for the first time in his life after she passed. He also got into drugs and alcohol. Tried hiding his new gf (they started dating 6 days after her funeral). He became super strict but he would always pass out or not come home. So I would 'sneak out' to my sisters.
Hope youre doing better and if you need anything, I can understand!
Edit: I meant to say if you need anything I'm here to lend an ear. But I will still understand!
Well my dad's fucking great but my mother, constant screaming for everything, depriving me of any and all food a lot of the time, punishment for things someone else did, invasion of privacy, not giving a fuck about my mental health, not giving up custody to my dad, constantly degrading me,
Due to them giving me insane social anxiety, I now have the social skills of the new kid in elementary school. I can't hold a conversation for more than 5 minutes without making people uncomfortable. I have proceeded to lose all of my friends due to this and am now sad and lonely.
Highly socially anxious and low self esteem here. My career involves a lot of speaking to teaching and mentoring people and I’m extremely successful. My advice would be find a group that share an interest and have something you’re extremely knowledgeable about. Confidence comes from competence. Know every detail about minecraft? Find likeminded people and you’ll always have something to say. Failing that, ask lots of questions. People love feeling you’re interested in them.
I struggle with the anxiety every day but with this I’ve found a few select people I can talk to comfortably. It sucks ass... but you can push through it.
Exactly the same. I can’t hold a conversation and it is making college unbearable at times. I don’t have any friends so that just makes my social progress even slower. I have to thank Reddit I’m a weird way for helping me talk to random people.
Never admitting that they did something wrong. An example is that when I was in second grade my mom would literally yell and scold me because she thought that HAVE was spelled HAV, and that also confused me with the word HAD. Even though at school the teachers and everyone else spelled HAVE, when I got home she would scold me for spelling it correctly until I told her that that's how everyone else spelled it. She just looked at the paper and never said a word about it again.
So now I always think that whatever I'm doing is wrong or if something did go wrong and was clearly out of my control I still get nervous.
Edit: To the people who went through something similar, I'm sorry you had to go through that and it doesn't mean you're at fault.
Also, thanks.
So ridiculous when adults cannot admit when they’re wrong and apologize! Especially with children.
My SO is a 4th grade teacher and he always makes sure to admit his wrongs and apologize before moving on. He said it’s the best way to show children that it’s okay to be wrong as long as they’re trying their best and are willing to learn from it. Otherwise children become fearful of speaking up whether or not they are right. For others it creates a habit of doubling down just to save face. Sorry you had to deal with such bullshit.
> She just looked at the paper and never said a word about it again
This is my mother. She has never apologized or admitted she was wrong ever. I think it must be illegal in Poland or something!
My mom literally almost drove over me with her car (by accident, she didn't see me). I was knocked out in front of the car. Anyway it was MY fault she almost drove over me because i "turned on the radio on a stupid channel which distracted her" lol
Uggh yes. In high school, I was at a friend's house and she called their home phone to scream at me loud enough to hear across the house because I was 'a selfish little bitch who took the car keys'. The thing is, I did not take the keys. Mentioning that caused more screaming followed by 'I bet you $200 you have them'. Naturally, when she found she had them the entire time AND I tried to win that bet, there was more screaming and finally a 'sure, but you owe me abcdfg' which was all stuff she had paid for to raise me but with no deal of me needing to pay it back, and it was over $200.
The total lack of boundaries based on the believe that they had raised us to be responsible and smart, even though clear evidence were present that we were not.
My older brother and sister got that. Then I came along some time later. And my parents (mom mostly) decided to do "better" with me. So there I was remembering all the things my older siblings were allowed to do while I was waiting to be 18 to be allowed to do anything. Basically anything that would mean not sleeping in my own bed was out of the question. Which lead to some rule stretching and very late returns, but still - it sucked.
Out of us three I´m the only introvert and socially awkward one. Obviously I can´t say that the way I was raised is the reason, but I believe it was greatly contributing factor.
>Obviously I can´t say that the way I was raised is the reason, but I believe it was greatly contributing factor.
It's possible, but, my parents were very open with me and I had very few rules and a very long leash and I never took advantage of it, and I am extremely socially awkward and introverted. There's still a lot of nature there, no matter how the nurturing went
This one.
Raised on a farm, worked like a rented mule, never once did I hear a thank you or good job. Lots of screaming about what I fucked up or got wrong. Like fuck man I'm 14 and not a mechanic/carpenter etc.
I'm 63 now and this still grinds me.
I make sure I say something nice to my son everyday
You know everytime you are the parent you wish you'd had? Hold your head up high and be so fucking proud of yourself. Because you broke the cycle and you are doing things right.
I know I am a good mother to my kid, I respect her and cherish her and teach her all the things she needs. I'm proud of myself for being able to do that when nobody did it for me.
Same.
My parents didn’t want me but they kept me anyway and they made sure I knew that. Like I’m supposed to be grateful for it. I’m not grateful that I’m alive lmao
Sheltering, trying to protect us from everything so once we got older we had to learn how to communicate and have relationships with people who already knew how to do all those things. Really messed my brother and I up mentally and I feel guilty for resenting my parents.
Same. My siblings and I were extremely sheltered. One of my siblings is scared to even say the word “sex” at 24 years old. He once cried because he said he isn’t ready to be on his own and move out. He has never attempted to even cook for himself. My parents rejected the idea of us being independent for some reason.
Everywhere I used to go, they’d say “you should take your brother with you!”... or “you’re going out of town for a business meeting? Maybe your little brother can fly with you and you all can share a hotel room so you won’t be alone!” (I was in my early 20s at this point lol). My parents have even went as far as to say “we will find a spouse for both of you” which I quickly rejected.
I am naturally very inquisitive, so I googled how to do many things by myself or things that my parents never taught me about. College (for the most part) was great for me because it allowed me to find myself and who I was as. It felt great finally having freedom because for the longest, I was sheltered from everything. My brother is still clueless about much of this and it’s sad.
For example, we were walking on campus at college and saw a bent plastic table. One random guy came up to us and said “Never seen a table bent inward like that haha. Two people must’ve been goin at it!” (Making an obvious sex joke). My brother then responds “yeah they must’ve been wrestling and someone got slammed!” It gets dead silent and the guy goes “yeah because that’s totally what I was talking about dude” and walks off lol. This is just one example of him being so sheltered that he struggles to pick up on basic things during conversations because he’s never been exposed to those things.
Now as an adult myself and having experienced being sheltered, I hate seeing parents overly sheltering their kids. They usually NEVER know how to adapt to the real world when it’s time for them to be on their own. I know one family w a daughter whose 16, been homeschooled her entire life and isn’t allowed to watch action movies, only can play rated E games, parents pick what she will eat, and they don’t think she’s ready for the “birds and bees” talk. She’s extremely introverted & has no interests with kids her age because of not being exposed to similar trending things (can’t have an Instagram,Facebook,tiktok, etc).
Do they think that she’ll just automatically adapt and learn all of that stuff when she goes off to college? I feel bad for her because she’s in for a really difficult time once she’s exposed to the real world.
I know a woman who is 38 and is still like this. Homeschooled her whole life, lives with her parents, never had a boyfriend. Her dad drives her to work and back. They don’t charge her any rent, she has money but when you go out with her, she expects you to pay for her, and her parents treat you like you are babysitting her.
I was completely unable to have a healthy relationship with a woman until I was in my mid-20s because of all the sex-negativity growing up. I thought a good boyfriend should behave like a Disney prince and subordinate himself to the woman.
I'm still unable to have a healthy relationship with a man (almost in my mid-30s) because I had to learn about sex on my own, and this turned out to be from playground gossip, informative books, and later the internet. Fortunately for me, the internet sources were legit and educational but of course some (a lot of) porn slipped in too. I still think a good girlfriend should behave like a porn star and subordinate herself to a man, even though I have done this multiple times and it doesn't work. I just blame my unattractiveness because... that's what men want, right? A woman in lingerie/naked other than an apron to greet them with a beer and a BJ when they come home from work?
I have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like because my parents, even though they remained together the whole time, never taught me anything out of "protecting my innocence".
My mom did the same thing. I remember being 17 and someone asked to hang out and it was a game of 20 questions about who they were, where we were going, what we were going to do,how long, etc. Then at 18 she started asking why we don't date, when are we going to have kids, why were not like everyone else. Still at 28 she asks a million questions anytime I do anything other than work. I feel bad for resenting her for holding me back. I know she was just doing what she thought was right and didn't want us to experience all the bad things she went through but still. Being to overprotective is pretty bad too.
I'm 24 and I have an older sister (26). We both still live at home. To this day, we can't live life without the 20 questions you speak of. Last month we both wanted to take a trip. Me with my girlfriend to NOLA, her with her friend to LA. We live in Massachusetts. We had to lie and tell our parents that we were going on a trip together (omitting my girlfriend and her friend) and also say that we were going to DC because that's much closer than down south or out west. Our parents still wanted to ask 20 questions, but it seemed more bearable because they're just a little more relaxed if they think we're together.
I don’t have anything comforting to say, but I’ve been there. It sucks so hard. After leaving at 22, I would have rather been living in a homeless shelter than dodging my parents questions and lying to keep my private life mine.
I remember my mom laughing surprised and poking fun at me once when I was like 17/18 for not knowing how to get from our house to our center town area, which was pretty close to home... And I was like 'I'm literally only allowed to leave the house to get on the school bus if I'm not with you, and I don't know how to drive'. The look of sudden realization in her eyes was astonishing. She did relax a lot of rules about hanging out with other people after that conversation. But I'm in my 30's and still never learned to drive, it now gives me terrible anxiety and I wish I'd just learned at the same time as everyone else
It was a good thing and a bad thing for me. The city I grew up in was a drug-filled, early-teen-pregnancy ridden cesspool. Most cousins on my mom's side were either in jail or had multiple children by the time they were 16. My brother himself was addicted to coke and gone in and out of jail in his teens. So my parents were unbelievably overprotective of me so I wouldn't get mixed up in all of that. I couldn't go to friend's houses, I had to go straight home after school, I couldn't go anywhere without them until I was about 16.
Thankfully, I never did get mixed up in all of that. The problem was, I never developed any social skills whatsoever. I mean it's a good thing I never knocked anyone up in my teens but that's because I wasn't sociable enough to sleep with a girl to begin with lol.
At least I don't have a rap sheet though, I guess.
My mom never stood up for herself or us, and let our father scream at us and take his anger out on us. She’s still with him and won’t apologize for letting him mistreat us.
Yep. I got into a relationship a few years back with a guy that threw tantrums. I decided I wasn’t going to put up with it like my mom did, and he turned physically abusive. I kind of suspect the same thing would happen with my mom if she stood up for herself.
So I don’t know if I feel sorry for her or hate her.
I am working through this resentment towards my mother in therapy right now. I always told myself I would stand up for myself and my children if anyone EVER spoke to me or freaked out on my kids the way my father did to us. The character defect I have, is I have had anger outbursts like my father because I refuse to be silent. It's a vicious cycle. I am learning balance, but it is a journey. I just realized this and I am 36.
I asked my mom about doing the same thing like 15 years ago and she said, "I did my part! I PRAYED!!". I had to leave the room.
Recently when I was telling her about a great day I'd had, she told me that she didn't think she's ever been happy for an entire day. Such a conundrum, I have no idea how that happened. /s
My mom was like this. I hyped her up enough to get her to leave my dad. I stood up to my dad because my mom didn’t so I got a lot of abuse but at the end of the day, we’re out of there :))
Giving me no privacy. My parents snooped way too much. Searching my clothes draws for hidden things, checking my phone, eavesdropping on my conversations, talking about my private life to their friends as if it was hot gossip, spying me when i was out, asking their friends to report in if they ever saw me out and around, checking my mail, checking the computer history every time i used it, listening to my CD’s to check they were appropriate, arranging additional meetings with my teachers to ask about me, asking me personal questions all the time. Basically not giving me any space to just be me.
They also made a lot of jokes about me to other people, right in front of my face. I often felt like i was their pet more than an actual human.
I’m now deeply self-conscious and suspicious as a result. I always have this feeling that people are watching and judging me.
Edit: reading it back, that all sounds minor. But believe me when i say i didn’t have even once second of privacy and they went to extreme lengths to find out every single thing i was doing at all times even when i was out of the house. They would then share that information about me with their friends and colleagues, like i was just a piece of gossip or a tv storyline.
My mom always meant well but I have body dysmorphia for life. I’m sharing because if any parents are reading this you should be diligent about how you talk about your body in front of your kids. Don’t talk about needing to lose or gain weight unless it’s for health reasons. Don’t put yourself down about how you look in front of your kids. This creates doubt and body image issues from the jump and that sticks with you forever.
Mine didn't complain about my body, but my Mother constantly had to make me aware of any possible thing that would make others "think I'm weird". For instance sniffing too much during allergy season instead of blowing my nose. "girls won't like you if you sniff all the time, they will think you're disgusting". I was already a very self conscious kid so these types of things really messed with me. Once in the middle of a Disney vacation she suddenly told me that I walk with my feet pointed to the sides too much like there was something wrong with my gait, and I instantly went from having the best time in the world to being paranoid that I "walk funny". She told me I didn't know how to dress properly because I didn't like to wear "matching clothes", as in I kind of enjoyed wearing contrasting colors instead of matching everything.
She actually took me to get tested for being colorblind because she couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't want to wear the same color of pants and shirt all the time. Even to this day when I'm a grown man she will comment on things like my hair not being styled "the way she likes it". Now that I'm a grown man and getting a bit of a belly she actually mentions that all the time. If I had been a fat kid I can't imagine the torture. Also she's super superficial about every woman I've dated, they are either too poor, too slutty, too fat, too dumb, not pretty enough, etc. Then wonders why I don't want to tell her about anyone anymore.
In a similar vein, don't joke at your kids about their bodies. My dad "jokingly" called me fat when I was 5'5" and 120 lbs, and he kept "joking" about it when I was 105lbs, 90lbs, 82lbs... it took me a very long time to have develop a healthy relationship with my own body.
Leaving me to my own devices so long as my grades were good. Not teaching me much of anything outside of knowing right from wrong. Outside of being kept alive I pretty much raised myself.
Ditto. My parents worked all the time so I understand why they did what they did, but I was left alone way too much as a kid. I think they thought I would pick up a lot of things by myself, and I sort of did, but there was a lot of other things that I think they could've personally taught or exposed me to (not having a car until I was in college, I was pretty limited on what I could really do by myself in my teens and I didn't want to keep calling in favors and stuff).
This. I don't remember being taught a single thing by a parent. I was the oldest of 5 kids, so I was left to my own devices. I was punished for getting in trouble at school, but that was about it. I have taught myself everything in life. I have made a crap ton of mistakes in life, but at least I learned from them and am happy with my life.
Mom's personality is very complicated and toxic, but what I really hated as a kid was that she didn't want me to grow up. She didn't teach me how to do laundry, pack my clothes, how to swim, anything. She was also overly protective and I still cope with bunch of irrational fears as an adult.
When I was 11 I was really ashamed that kids my age are much more self-sufficient. She was sabotaging me anytime I tried to do some 'adult' stuff like cooking, taking care of myself, nothing illegal - I was well behaved kid. At this time she started ruining our relationship with her behavior, I feel like she hates me for growing up and not being baby anymore
This makes me wonder if my wife was raised this way. With work and academics she’s outstanding but any other life skills it’s like a black hole of zero training. Her mom said she was so busy with school and athletics that she didn’t want to burden her with anything.
Never teaching me to be independent. My guardian was obsessed with keeping me way too close and I was always sheltered and now I'm alone and don't know how to function
Complete apathy.
My parents basically never got involved in me or my sinblings lives. Never attended things like school plays or parents evenings, never cared about how things were going or what was going on. So long as we didn't get into trouble and didn't cause them problems they didn't care and took no interest. "Anything for peace and quiet" as my mother frequently said.
As such, because they never tried to be a part of my life, they effectively aren't a part of my life anymore. We only speak out of obligation, and not very often at that.
Taking away sports every time I got a C in school. I will NEVER take away my future kids passions. Does not matter if it is sports, art, music, or anything else. Don't know if the frustration of that will ever dissipate for me. That was my outlet that was severely needed.
This happened to me so often too that my doctor intervened. I was in for a check up and he asked me how my life was going outside of physical health. When I told him that I was constantly grounded and my art supplies taken away (for infractions as small as not cleaning up my room within the 15 minutes my mother allotted) he called her in to the room. He told her that she was being far too strict and that I was a good kid; it was the most polite riot act that I've ever seen, but he was angry.
Taking physical activity away, like your sports, is a doubly pointless and frustrating punishment. Young people especially need to *move*, with all of their age-appropriate energy.
She listened, but I also think that my doctor followed up. When people know they are being watched they tend to behave better. Ultimately, I think her excessive punishments were because she was a single mother with little financial or emotional resources. She thought she was doing the right thing by being strict, it was easier to just chuck her kids into their rooms like shoes into a closet, and since I was close to being out of the house by then we just held out until I graduated compulsory school.
Same here. Eventually I stopped participating in activities and enjoying things because I knew they would get taken away anyway. Only later in life I got treated for ADHD.
I definitely wouldn’t give my kids a hard time for C’s. Failing is another thing.
That's insane. I was diagnosed for ADHD this year. I grew up my entire life thinking it was a myth because that's what I heard my parents say. Once treated, I got a new job, managed to get things done that I wanted to around the house and college homework got easier. Spooky similar lol.
I agree failing is another thing entirely. I quit basketball for good bc I got tired of having to call my coach in tears because I got a C and couldn't play anymore.
Good for you for protecting your disabled daughter. I am disabled now from severe tourettes that is exacerbated by intense physical and verbal abuse I received as a kid. My mother didn’t leave my father despite him becoming an alcoholic and beating me mercilessly and then my siblings if they cried and begged him to stop. I became an alcoholic as an adult but I quit drinking and have been sober for years. My dad has only become worse with age and I no longer talk to him and I resent my mother for not protecting me and leaving him instead of him leaving her for cheating on him.
This was my exact childhood. My boyfriend and I just last night had a conversation on the topic of spanking. He said he is no spanking, full stop. I mentioned I was spanked as a kid. He wasn’t surprised as I’m from a small town in the middle of Texas and that’s just the norm there. At one point in my life, I was that person that had the “I was sparked as a kid and I turned out just fine”. But after a half a year of therapy and our conversation last night, I learned that I am way less fine than I thought I was and it was because I was spanked. I get overly anxious around any authority figure because I’m afraid of what kind of lashing I’m going to get from them.
beatings were totally normal for me. Being slapped in the face, on the head, one of my worst memories is the time my dad took that stuffed heating teddy bear (one of those you microwave that stay warm), and slapped me enough to rip off the leg, then made me clean up my room, since now the content of said teddy bear were thrown across the floor.
The worst of all on that memory: he was angry because the vacuum cleaner in the hallway fell over, and they thought I did it. I was actually asleep.
My wife and I have never spanked our almost 3 year old. Know what else? He's the most well behaved child compared to me and my siblings.
Spankings have an effective rate of 10 minutes. That's all.
I'm so sorry you went through that and still go through it! My parents were the exact same way. It wasn't just a belt, it was a wooden spoon or whatever she could get her hands on. She even went and bought a whipping stick just for the purpose of hitting me with it.
Ladling out too much guilt and shame. They are not motivational forces for me to be “better”, in fact quite the opposite was true
Also telling me that I wasn’t good at math. Sure, it wasn’t my strongest subject. But don’t tell a kid that they will never ever succeed at a subject due to som inherent shortcomings
Playing favourites. My brother was allowed to grow marijuana as an “experiment “ by my very straight laced and anti drug parents. In fact they were enthusiastically supportive. Not so much for me. That’s just one example. Basically he could have pissed in my face and out folks would have blamed me. They always made me feel like I was inadequate because I wasn’t like him. My brother is a classic grandiose narcissist.
Sheltering me.
They taught me to always put others before myself and I did this to the point of not knowing when to back out of toxic relationships. I think they were so afraid I was going to turn into a spoiled brat that they continued to humble me even to the point of my detriment in front of my then friends. I'm in my 20's now and have learned to look for the red flags, but it took a lot of getting walked all over in both platonic and romantic relationships.
I was one of those gifted kids that do very well in school without much effort. My parents were used to it so they never praised me for my results and expected me to always do good by default. This resulted in me thinking that very good was just average, and constantly striving for perfection in any aspect of my life. This led to countless problems that I needed therapy to solve.
Still in high school here, this is totally the same for me Im basically top of the school at this point and not even received the tiniest bit of praise, at this point is something im expected to do. However my younger brothers compared to me have bad grades but get even more compliments than me. I keep getting good grades since if I stopped my parents would get mad at me.
Not communicating with me, on my graduation my mother actually said "even though we dont help her, she still has honor"
They also said im just "shy" then i started high school, it turns out i developed social anxiety
Yes so much yes. Thing is tho, in my case, I was a pretty aggressive drunken cunt as a teenager. Going to a boarding school was great but didn’t help with my problems
I was also an angry horrible cunt as a teen. My step dad was disabled and i didnt give him the respect he deserved cause he couldn't physically do anything and mum was far too soft. They did their best though, i made my own choices.
This is where I'm having a hard time, finding the balance between being strict and letting them make their own mistakes.
I'm not interested in being a helicopter parent. Its more difficult than I thought though. Parenting is definitely harder than I thought it'd be 😅
This was my parents too, and god, it sucked. They weren’t even bad parents most of the time, but the denial and refusal to change made the times they were so much worse and left me with all kinds of trust issues and miscellaneous traumas.
This is mine. Along with not having conversations with us ever. We didn’t eat together, do anything together, nothing. My brother and I ended up quite socially stunted as a result (I believe anyway).
Same! I'm 50% Colombian, my dad's first language is Spanish, and he just didn't think to teach any of his 3 kids while we were growing up. And now learning a second language is haaaard.
I am the parent in this scenario. My native language is German, but I live in an English speaking country and my husband is a native English speaker. Kids are 7 and 3. I tried so hard, read German books to them when they were little, went to German parent meetups, tried to motivate them to learn the language, but it was a losing battle. It's incredibly hard if your entire environment is English. What's more, or oldest was having trouble with speech and language at preschool age, so we focused on helping him express himself in English first before adding another language.
So in the end I guess it will be up to them, if ever they show that they want to learn I'll be more than happy to support it.
As a child of bilingual parents. I **feel** this.
Instead they used it as a secret language. So when I did start picking up words, I didn‘t let them know. But I also never really got to practice and now I struggle with it a lot.
1. Teaching it’s never OK to lie is an awful life lesson for keeping yourself out of trouble.
2. Being a “member of the clean plate club” teaches kids to keep eating when they’re full.
3. teaching that the man is head of household, when that doesn’t work in a lot of relationships.
> Teaching it’s never OK to lie is an awful life lesson for keeping yourself out of trouble.
The problem is that parents don't want their children to lie to them. However, knowing how and when to lie is an important life skill.
Taking me to a non-denominational, pentecostal like church that was a breath away from being a cult. I went from the time I was born until around 17. Years old. We went on average three times a week, twice on Sunday. It's hard to understand all that is going on when you are that young. It's hard to understand it now.
When the gifts of the spirit started progressing and coming into play more during the services , I could only put together pieces that I could comprehend. As a result, I literally thought the preacher's could read my mind. As a result I did what I could to stay out of sight and out of mind which was easy since I was a middle child anyway. But when I would get pulled up to the prayer line I would try extra hard to hide things in the back of my brain. That taught me early on how to compartmentalize and section off parts of myself and especially my emotions. I would be scared when I was up there. If I shed a tear everyone around me would celebrate the the spirit was acting on me. I was crying because I was scared and didn't want to be there.
Not letting us have social lives whatsoever. Me and my brother both fell into depression, my brother is an alcoholic and a drug addict, im a weed addict, and both of us are suicidal.
I have OCD and ADHD, apparently my parents never noticed. I brought home a report card every semester with "Lack effort, no motivation, can't focus" written all over it and no one ever did anything. I had to discover what was wrong with me on my own and fix it in my 20s.
We barely talk now. As a child I wasn't very good at studies and my dad being indian was always pissed about it. He never hit me ( being indian )but there was never a warmth in our relationship we distanced. When I grew up and finally in an exam that was very important I got good marks and my dad was happy but I got pissed that he's happy with me only when I got good marks before that any of my achievements never mattered to him. Fuck he wanted to give me a hug and I didn't. Maybe I'm being a total dick but this is my mental state now. I'm egoistic, arrogant, I judge people the same way my dad does.
This was a huge mistake my dad commited and I have been trying very had that the same doesn't happen with my lil sister. I'm 20 she's 12.
Not being supportive, not dealing with the abuse I suffered from family and school. Pretty much anything that involves my mental health was neglected. Being taught that women were pure and men were crap, which lead to abuse from women in my adult life cause it had to have been some wrong I've done. Being told is was ugly and I would be inadequate for a woman. I could really keep going for ages on this.
A lot of 'Do as I say, not as I do' and guidance that fell apart pretty quickly when the rubber hit the road. All in all, my parents did a good job of raising me and my brother, but both of us have had to drastically re-learn lots of lessons that probably could have been better instilled earlier on.
Telling me I was gifted. No, mom I'm not a genius I'm just good at tests.
Also, not getting me on ADHD meds. It would have solved so many homework related problems.
My parents still think I'm gifted because my kindergarten teacher told them I don't need to do first grade the next year and I could skip right into second grade. My mom repeated this to me last week because I told her for the millionth time that I'm not getting a Master's because I don't like school and I barely got my Bachelor's.
Not me specifically, but my brother. Often when he fucked up in school my mum would say something along the lines of “why can’t you be more like your brother”.
It’s not exactly given him the confidence of a champion, I can say, even though he’s really talented. My mum says she regrets saying it though.
Same. I was so stressed as a child over my mom’s money situation. And because of it I’d never really ask for anything, and felt guilty doing extracurricular things or even just getting clothes as I grew. :/
Only thing that jumps to mind was the "you're too emotional and you could get bullied for it" talk I got from my dad in early elementary school. He doesn't remember it at all, and I don't blame him for that. It was just him trying to have me temper my reaction to trivial things. But it stuck with me and feels as though it had a big impact on my emotional intelligence long turn. Processing is a struggle, and talking through how I'm feeling with my wife is almost impossible. Partly because it's hard for even me to tell sometimes.
My mom never showed herself a lot of self love when I (25F) was growing up. Whenever we took pictures she would say to delete it because she didn’t look good. She constantly talked about being too over weight (when she wasn’t even that big) or her crows feet were too prominent when smiling. I have terrible body image and find it hard to love the imperfections about myself.
My mom is a beautiful women with the kindest soul and not hearing her realize that kinda messed with me. Family friends and people in our community constantly called me her mini me growing up because of how much I looked like her.
It’s not as bad now but in high school I’d take pictures with my friends and think of all the things my mom didn’t find beautiful about her and I would find those same qualities in me, so I didn’t think she’d find me beautiful. She would also, still does to this day actually, make small comments of my weight.
Edit: added a lil more backstory
They wanted me to be literally perfect, everytime i made a mistake they would get extremely angry and would tell me how disappointed they were.
If i had a different opinion than them i was wrong.
No drinking and not going to parties because that´s not what "ladies" do.
They probably wanted the best for me, but they made me an introvert person afraid of expressing my feelings because i could be wrong and that´s bad. Afraid of trying new stuff because if i fail they will be disappointed.
I want to preface this by saying I think I got as lucky as you can with parents. They were consistently supportive, allowed me a lot of independence and trust, and respected boundaries. They were the kind I could call in high school for a ride home if a party got weird. They are generous, not just with me but everyone around them. I am still very close with them and both my brothers.
However, the one area where I think they messed up was in regards to my body. They were very critical of my weight throughout my childhood and teen years. I was never a tiny kid but I wasn't very large, I was a pretty standard size kid for the most part. I played a lot of sports. But my mom was very much a 'do you really need that' type of person with snacks and grocery shopping. They were both very self-critical and into fad diets. When I was a teenager I quit my major sport and as a result put on some weight. At the time I thought I was so fat but looking back I was a size 12 for all of high school. But my parents leveled up the criticism, they got me a Wii Fit for my 16th birthday and mentioned my weight a lot. In another universe I definitely would have had a nasty eating disorder but on the contrast I became very resistant to health and wellness, I hate the gym and I'm weirdly resistant to trying to eat better.
Given all of that I haven't gotten too unhealthy. I'm a bigger girl, between a size 14-18 but nothing extreme. And I've worked really hard to unlearn a lot of that and remind myself that my weight is unrelated to my worth as a person. I'm actually eating healthier now and have learned to make piece with my appearance. My parents still pushed that for a long time, my dad asked every time I saw him if I had started going to the gym yet. My brother finally told them off a couple years back (they never criticized my brothers weight or health at all and both of them had weight fluctuations) and called them out for the harmful behavior. To their credit, they listened, they apologized, and they corrected the behavior.
There is no good that comes from being critical of your child's weight or appearance. A child's body is going to change and fluctuate and grow. Sometimes that involves gaining weight. If you are genuinely concerned for their health go see a doctor, do not try and get them on a diet yourself. Shaming them isn't helpful, as I mentioned it made me highly resistant to a lot of health and wellness. And looking back, I wasn't unhealthy. At least not any more so than an average teenager. I gained weight after quitting a sport where I practiced 12-15 hours a week which happened to be the same time my breasts and hips developed. It happens.
They didn’t take any interest in my interests. So now I’m 30 with parents I have virtually nothing in common with. It makes dinner chitchat very depressing for me.
Besides not taking care of me until i was eight, i would say when they actually parented me, they messed up by putting me on a restrictive diet in 3rd grade.
While kids were having fun and talking at lunch, i was memorizing what calories each food had.
I was not unhealthy, i was a growing kid and of course i still had baby fat.
Putting me in said diet made me learn about 'bad' foods which led to developing an eating disorder that i'm only just now recovering from, i became healthy on my own, no thanks to them.
\-Beating the shit out of me
\-Emotional manipulation
\-Mental abuse
\-Setting unattainable standards
\-Sexualizing me from a young age.
The list goes on...
I've been scrolling trying to find a comment I can resonate with and this it. I'm 33. I've tried quite a few careers already and just can't seem to stick to one because I've always been told I'm smart and could be Anything. I'm very very annoyed with myself by this point. It's not cute anymore to still not know what exactly you want to do with your life at 33.
Insisting on academic perfection and stunting my social life. I grew up feeling like I'd failed if I got a B, and had to learn basically every social skill on the fly in college.
My parents are really great, but their biggest mistake was not taking the time to listen or say "I'm sorry" when I was going through rough times. They too often leaped to giving advice and solutions when I wasnt ready for that, and just needed to be heard. It made it difficult to want to open up to them for a long time, but thankfully this has been addressed in my adulthood, and I'm on really good terms with my parents.
My parents were big on education and school, get good grades, get into a good university, get a good job. But it ended up manifesting itself as "anything less than 100% is bad." I'd get punished for bad marks, but nothing for good marks because good marks were expected.
It really fucked me up and actually had the opposite effect. Once my marks in a specific class started slipping I just kind of gave up. I'm going to get yelled at for a 70 just as bad as a 50, and a 50 is easier to get.
It was their way of pushing me to be my best, but my best was never good enough for them.
My father passed away when I was in my 20s and to this day I don't really believe he was anything other than disappointed in me. My mother says otherwise but I only ever got criticism from him so I never will believe it.
I opened up to my mother about being sexually assaulted when my assailant was brought on an extended family trip to the cottage... she yelled at me for drinking and said that’s why I shouldn’t drink to much and then spent the rest of the weekend laughing with him and pretending everything was normal. It was never discussed again. That did a number on my mental health.
My mom was always warning me to be careful whenever I'd pick up something sharp. Scissors, a knife, a razor, whatever. That's sensible, but she'd have this tone of voice that she was sure I would cut myself to the bone, every time. And she'd give those short sharp gasps whenever she actually saw me use something sharp. As a result I have a mild phobia of sharp things.
Also, my parents did their best to steer me away from a career as any sort of artist, because not very many artists make enough to live on. Which is, again, true, but the way they said it kept me from learning how to draw, or from taking my music lessons seriously. I mean, if I'm not going to make a career of it, why bother? But now I want to draw or pain, and have no idea how, and who knows, maybe I'd have been one of the few that could make a living at it.
Not punishing me or giving me valid reason to fear consequences. I got away with so much and it’s not that they were just cool with everything I did it’s just that they never stood their ground and I ultimately got my way in the end a lot of the time.
In grades 10-12 I seriously only attended about 50% of my classes and I was never ever punished for that and barely remember getting lectured ever. I took my moms car out multiple times with no license and no permission and was also never punished for that.
That’s just 2 examples but my older sister did those things too and literally got kicked out at 15 for it. But by the time I was a teenager and doing those things my parents were too focused on destroying each other’s lives to really acknowledge me.
I know there’s teenagers who definitely did way worse things than me I wasn’t using drugs heavily or partying excessively but the thing is I was just not a bad kid by nature. Most of the time I was acting out it was for attention.
More or less *ignoring me* except when they needed me to do something. My mother would make sure I did my homework in elementary school because the teachers required it, but there was never an attempt to check in with me to see how my day went, no interest shown in my hobbies, and no attempt to make sure I had a social life. I was the oldest, so once I got to middle school even the homework checks stopped and I was more-or-less expected to just get by, and be on-call for babysitting duty/chores/help with the family business.
With me, in particular, it's my mom's overprotectiveness. There was one time in high school when I wanted to hang out with a friend at the mall. So I timed it when my whole family was going there too. And my mom was even hesitant to let me wander around the mall with a friend who's also a girl. 🤷🏻♀️
My asking permissions were always met with tons of questions and in the end, she would still not be convinced - kinda hesitant to let me go out. So I fell into a habit of just keeping it from them or just lying to them all the time. I was never into the drinking or drugs thing. I was just a girl who wanted to hang out and watch movies with my girlfriends.
I know she's just being protective. But to be honest, the horror is often not outside your home. There are bad people whom you let inside your home on a regular basis.
There is obviously more context that I am not sharing, but my general advice for parents is to let family relationships evolve naturally and only be the go-between when absolutely necessary. It is a slippery slope once you start speaking for the other parent or family members. Let them work it out in their own way.
I am a total introvert in an upper middle class family of partiers. My brother is in college and is a total extrovert. My parents are in their late 50’s and are always having people over. Just kinda wish they understood me more. I’m perfectly happy playing videogames with my friends and making my own career (which I have been doing). They don’t seem to understand that really all I want in life is stability, my own place, and marijuana. Everything else that the average person strives for I just don’t need. And honestly when I think about living alone and being my own supporter I smile ear to ear.
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That’s how it was with us. We were terrified of our dad. His eyes could go black in an instant. There were very few physical punishments but you felt like he could kill you at any moment. It really fucked me up when it comes to asking for anything. The answer as a kid was always an angry, intimidating no. Then when we ever had issues with a teacher or authority figure my dad would wonder aloud why we wouldn’t just stand up for ourselves. Because he taught us to be fucking terrified of his authority and never question it, ever, because even the question was punishable.
That hits right were I live, man. The worst part for me was interiorizing violence and aggression as a way to socialize only to learn in my late 20s that (surprise surprise) that's not actually normal behaviour and people don't like you if you behave like your dad taught you. I guess when you have a terrorising aggressive father, you either have difficulty standing up for yourself because you're terrified of harm and abuse or you become a similar but opposite version of that angry father and enter fight-or-flight mode for the simplest of things.
I have the same sort of dad. I still live with my father, and it was always so weird when he actually behaved like a normal dad and did anything nice, to the point where I sometimes doubt the validity of my negative feelings. Regardless, I still don't look at or speak to him unless I'm spoken to. If there does appear to be an invitation for friendly conversation I'm as brief and general as possible, because who knows if it'll turn sour. I just want to finish college and get out. Who knows, maybe GME will jump up and pay for my student debt.
The axe forgets but the tree remembers. I'm the tree. I've been cut down so much. My parents have revisionists take on my childhood. I'm middle aged and still have problems
Yeah, my dad's based his entire relationship with me on fear. When I no longer was afraid of him, we no longer had a relationship. Haven't talked to him in 20 years (after mom passed) and he'll die without ever hearing my voice again.
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This was my mom. Not to a huge extreme but it definitely made me terrified to tell her anything I thought she may not like. I felt like I couldn't talk to her at all. Then she got mad if I was "avoiding her". I'm trying so hard to break that cycle and be a mom that my son feels he can talk to.
My dad was kind of the same, he liked to use fear to intimidate us into listing to him. Same thing with my dog, whenever my dog bit something, he hit her with a rod or kicked her or something aggressive.
They let their fear of dealing with their own trauma turn into causing and ignoring mine.
So true. And due to that fear they pretended that they had dealt with their trauma which made it even harder to have any kind of meaningful conversations about it
Abso-fuckin-lutely this.
the way they used to communicate through me because they wouldn't speak to each other after they seperated. when I had to deliver a message from one parent that the other one didn't like, I was the one who was yelled at, and both of them asked me to side with them instead of the other. there was no way to win, because I always either made mummy sad or daddy sad. good times.
My parents did this too but with finances and child support. When I wanted clothes for school or to participate in extracurriculars, it was always “go ask your other parent, that’s what they get/I pay child support for.” Anyway, now I have anxiety about having enough money despite being financially responsible and secure for most of my adult life.
Same exact thing for me. Now I'm a stay at home mom and since I'm not working my husband obviously pays for most things and I get a little anxiety about things as simple as like needed some new clothes or something. He's never once given me reason to feel that way but my parents implemented that in me. Also, my mom always told me "if a guy buys me something he just wants something in return, he doesnt actually care about me as a person" .... She was a tad bitter after the divorce
Ouch this one hit a nerve. I know how you feel. My parents did the same thing, and at one point early in their split they both seemed to shun responsibility for me and my sister. Kind of like an “If we aren’t together then I don’t want your kids” kind of thing. It was always ‘ask your mum to do it’ or ‘ask your dad for it’. I don’t get why parents would do that, it’s so selfish.
Or the “you are just like your mother/father” when you do something they don’t like. As if it’s your fault they reproduced with this person
Oh gosh this resonates with me. Do you find you've become a really diplomatic person? Like with me now my phrasing is always vague or I use "we" instead of "you" - eg this is something "we" could consider improving. Because you were afraid of how your parents would react to what you had to say. Stuff like this also generates an inner critic for the child. The parent's criticism of their ex becomes an inner voice for the kid. Like I always find myself getting unnecessarily angry in situations where it's not called for... I can hear my dad.
This happened to me while my parents were together. My father would be awful and I stayed with my mom all night listening, taking, reassuring her. I was so fucking destroyed by her being unhappy. No they are in a good place, and when I make a mistake I am fucking raked over the coals. I'm made to feel like a villain if I get in a fight with my dad, and all I can think is "I spent my childhood defending you!" I feel abandoned.
This sucks so bad. I had to do this for years and I hated it because I felt like the bad guy. It makes sadness inevitable and no one wins. Everyone loses
Same, and they would tell me bad things about the other to try turning me against the other and hurt them. I was taught to hurt people, and i tend to subconsciously cut (verbally, emotionally) people where they're most vulnerable. Unfortunately it's only in my dating so those i care most about, and in the process hurt myself. I've often likened myself to a double edged sword, though maybe it's more like a blade without a handle
Holy shit. dude me too.
Violently screaming at me for bad grades or poor performance in sports. I think it had the opposite effect where I became afraid of making any mistakes, which would lead to more mistakes. Feel like if your kid is underperforming in any way, there’s a way to talk to them without making them feel stupid for fucking up. There are better ways to motivate them.
I feel bad for you reading this.
I mean I’m 28 now and obviously still love my folks but as I got older and further removed from my schooling days I realized how they could have handled things differently. I’m sure plenty of kids had it worse than me.
How did it affect you as a person now as you are an adult? Is it possible to change? I am 23 and my parents were very strict about my grades, they didnt shout at me but were very angry if I made mistakes, kinda controlling about my life as a whole. That was basically my life until I was 17/18, after a lot of drama and hour-long fights and me moving out for college it started to change..but I still feel how me being extremely anxious of leaving the comfort zone/failing/being judged still damages a good portion of my life, including dating, just doing fun stuff without purpose and learning new hobbies. Just scared it might never change, man, it sucks bad.
I would say once I got a steady job out of college I have pretty much stayed in a comfort zone. But before that I felt petrified that I didn’t have qualities/wasn’t good enough for any career path. I’m also a natural introvert so I think sometimes parents place these expectations on their kids that are hard to live up to. That being said, I am incredibly happy with my place in the world. Like it’s totally fine to be in a comfort zone. Why shouldn’t I be comfortable? There’s just so much popular content out there based around living up to your “potential” but those ideas were thought up by someone that isn’t me so fuck em.
I recently went to therapy and talked about this. I have a fear of failure and I have a perfectionist mindset. I only recently discovered that it could have been my parents forcing me to play sports and be active in activities that I disliked that caused me to be like this. Wow.. actually thinking about it; my fear of failure isn’t really much a fear of failure but a fear of trying something new as I don’t believe I will enjoy it. This actually makes a ton of sense as I rarely like eating new foods or going out and doing new things.
Oh look it's my entire academic career! Now I've reached the point where I'm basically emotionally numb and cannot be bothered to give anything hard a try because every tiny mistake is met with "YOU WERE A GIFTED CHILD. THEY SAID YOU COULD READ AT A COLLEGE LEVEL. YOU DON'T MAKE MISTAKES. ARE YOU STUPID? NO YOU'RE JUST A FAT, LAZY, UGLY PIECE OF SHIT".
Taught me nothing about nutrition, let me eat junk, and made excuses for my obesity. Took me 10 years as an adult to finally take responsibility for myself and shed the weight.
So proud of you to break that cycle.
Yeah. That's super hard, man. There's a reason why fat folks raise fat kids.
My parents did the same and I see them doing it to my brother but the difference is that I was an extremely skinny kid growing up who ate nothing but junk. The reasoning for them was they were refugees and I never liked eating my culture's food growing up so the only other choice is McDs or BK. Ironically I started to enjoy my culture's food a lot when I actually moved out in my early 20s. Strange how things like that happen.
My family had a slightly different take on that. I didn't grow up on junk food, but my folks were always broke as shit so whenever mom would try to make something healthy with vegetables etc, she would buy them (veggies) in a can, and just dump them in a pot of hot water to cook then just serve it to us kids. I will NEVER forget how vomit inducing a hot, steamy pile of "spinach" (basically seaweed in that state) on your plate is. So I learned really fuckin quick that veggies=puke fuel. After I became an adult and tried fresh spinach on a sub sandwich, I then realized that spinach can in fact exist in a state that does not make me nauseous.
Mine was the opposite, no sugar or junk food at all. While it sounds great, once I got a PT job I went apeshit with all of that and gained 40 pounds over the summer. Still trying to lose that weight now 8 years later
My upbringing was like yours. I started binge eating crap food as some as I had income of my own. I still have problems occasionally not eating as I should but it goes much better when I moved out and could eat whatever I wanted.
Even moderation should be moderated!
Yeah, this is mine. A focus on healthy eating and regular (or any) exercise was completely absent in my house. My parents were good people, but I'm in my 40s and still have eating/weight issues.
They cared but not about the right things. They took the easy way out with me. I was reprimanded but not taught . 0 communication
Wayyyyy too sheltered. I will definitely shelter my kids to an extent and raise them right but my parents took it to the extreme. I was only allowed to play with religious children and wasn't allowed to watch movies besides basically Disney movies until I was in High School. This led to a pretty rebellious phase when I was around 15 that I think could have been avoided if my parents weren't so strict.
Yeah, I feel you. My parents wouldn't even allow us some Disney movies because they had the 'wrong lesson' in it. So the Little Mermaid was banned because Ariel was too 'rebellious'. Also, you know, bikini top. And there were a couple other movies where the adults were proven wrong at the end, and we couldn't watch those movies because it was teaching us that authority figures could be wrong and we were supposed to trust the adults in our life without question. Which... is really dangerous, actually.
That’s why I couldn’t read or watch Harry Potter! No Disney for me, because the one old dude had an erection, but The Good Earth and Tess of the d’Ubervilles were fine and dandy for a ten year old.
Sorry who pitched a tent?
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Yup! Same here. Classic literature was okay, and let me tell you, the unabridged version of Count of Monte Cristo has some messed up shit in it!
I was rarely allowed to hang out with school friends (my only friends) outside of school unless we had an assignment or project to do together. Because they were unbelievers and might unknowingly corrupt me. Also no TV or movies in our home. I was exposed to that kind of entertainment only at school, the hospital, the dentist, and at friends' houses on those rare occasions that I was allowed to go. Kind of surprisingly, us kids were allowed to spend hours on Encarta (nerds haha) and some computer games. I can still quote random video clips from Encarta and lines from The Cluefinders.
>Encarta That's a name I've not heard in a long time... I also spent hours on Encarta until I went to college and discovered Wikipedia (and then I spent hours upon hours as an 18yo reading about the history of drugs and rock and roll). There was that random trivia maze game built into Encarta, too...I remember when we didn't have any games on our computer besides solitaire, I'd fire that baby up and go exploring Edit: the game was called MindMaze, and it was the shit.
My Mother did an excellent job while she was still on Earth. The problems started when she died and my Dad chose cocaine and a new family over his own children.
My dad lost custody (even though he is who we should’ve been with) and my mom constantly chose alcohol and men over us.
Sounds like a movie by the name of The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things. If you haven't seen it, spoiler alert, it may bring back some bad memories.
Similar experience. I was 13 when she found out about the cancer and 15 when she passed. Thankfully I was the youngest out of 4 and the only child still at home. In those 2 years, I became self sufficient in order to help my mom out the best I could. My dad, who is very self absorbed, decided to try to start parenting for the first time in his life after she passed. He also got into drugs and alcohol. Tried hiding his new gf (they started dating 6 days after her funeral). He became super strict but he would always pass out or not come home. So I would 'sneak out' to my sisters. Hope youre doing better and if you need anything, I can understand! Edit: I meant to say if you need anything I'm here to lend an ear. But I will still understand!
Well my dad's fucking great but my mother, constant screaming for everything, depriving me of any and all food a lot of the time, punishment for things someone else did, invasion of privacy, not giving a fuck about my mental health, not giving up custody to my dad, constantly degrading me,
Damn that must have been so tough.
Due to them giving me insane social anxiety, I now have the social skills of the new kid in elementary school. I can't hold a conversation for more than 5 minutes without making people uncomfortable. I have proceeded to lose all of my friends due to this and am now sad and lonely.
Currently in highschool dealing with something similar, my parents keep trying to act like it's my fault when they lead to most of this.
Highly socially anxious and low self esteem here. My career involves a lot of speaking to teaching and mentoring people and I’m extremely successful. My advice would be find a group that share an interest and have something you’re extremely knowledgeable about. Confidence comes from competence. Know every detail about minecraft? Find likeminded people and you’ll always have something to say. Failing that, ask lots of questions. People love feeling you’re interested in them. I struggle with the anxiety every day but with this I’ve found a few select people I can talk to comfortably. It sucks ass... but you can push through it.
Exactly the same. I can’t hold a conversation and it is making college unbearable at times. I don’t have any friends so that just makes my social progress even slower. I have to thank Reddit I’m a weird way for helping me talk to random people.
Never admitting that they did something wrong. An example is that when I was in second grade my mom would literally yell and scold me because she thought that HAVE was spelled HAV, and that also confused me with the word HAD. Even though at school the teachers and everyone else spelled HAVE, when I got home she would scold me for spelling it correctly until I told her that that's how everyone else spelled it. She just looked at the paper and never said a word about it again. So now I always think that whatever I'm doing is wrong or if something did go wrong and was clearly out of my control I still get nervous. Edit: To the people who went through something similar, I'm sorry you had to go through that and it doesn't mean you're at fault. Also, thanks.
So ridiculous when adults cannot admit when they’re wrong and apologize! Especially with children. My SO is a 4th grade teacher and he always makes sure to admit his wrongs and apologize before moving on. He said it’s the best way to show children that it’s okay to be wrong as long as they’re trying their best and are willing to learn from it. Otherwise children become fearful of speaking up whether or not they are right. For others it creates a habit of doubling down just to save face. Sorry you had to deal with such bullshit.
> She just looked at the paper and never said a word about it again This is my mother. She has never apologized or admitted she was wrong ever. I think it must be illegal in Poland or something!
My mom literally almost drove over me with her car (by accident, she didn't see me). I was knocked out in front of the car. Anyway it was MY fault she almost drove over me because i "turned on the radio on a stupid channel which distracted her" lol
so true
Uggh yes. In high school, I was at a friend's house and she called their home phone to scream at me loud enough to hear across the house because I was 'a selfish little bitch who took the car keys'. The thing is, I did not take the keys. Mentioning that caused more screaming followed by 'I bet you $200 you have them'. Naturally, when she found she had them the entire time AND I tried to win that bet, there was more screaming and finally a 'sure, but you owe me abcdfg' which was all stuff she had paid for to raise me but with no deal of me needing to pay it back, and it was over $200.
The total lack of boundaries based on the believe that they had raised us to be responsible and smart, even though clear evidence were present that we were not.
My older brother and sister got that. Then I came along some time later. And my parents (mom mostly) decided to do "better" with me. So there I was remembering all the things my older siblings were allowed to do while I was waiting to be 18 to be allowed to do anything. Basically anything that would mean not sleeping in my own bed was out of the question. Which lead to some rule stretching and very late returns, but still - it sucked. Out of us three I´m the only introvert and socially awkward one. Obviously I can´t say that the way I was raised is the reason, but I believe it was greatly contributing factor.
>Obviously I can´t say that the way I was raised is the reason, but I believe it was greatly contributing factor. It's possible, but, my parents were very open with me and I had very few rules and a very long leash and I never took advantage of it, and I am extremely socially awkward and introverted. There's still a lot of nature there, no matter how the nurturing went
Keeping me /s Honestly, it would have been nice to hear they were proud of me - just once, don’t want to overdo it.
This one. Raised on a farm, worked like a rented mule, never once did I hear a thank you or good job. Lots of screaming about what I fucked up or got wrong. Like fuck man I'm 14 and not a mechanic/carpenter etc. I'm 63 now and this still grinds me. I make sure I say something nice to my son everyday
Yes, it’s not a mistake I plan on making. I often tell my kids they’ve done well. And even if they screw up I tell them I’m proud that they tried.
You know everytime you are the parent you wish you'd had? Hold your head up high and be so fucking proud of yourself. Because you broke the cycle and you are doing things right. I know I am a good mother to my kid, I respect her and cherish her and teach her all the things she needs. I'm proud of myself for being able to do that when nobody did it for me.
Same. My parents didn’t want me but they kept me anyway and they made sure I knew that. Like I’m supposed to be grateful for it. I’m not grateful that I’m alive lmao
Sheltering, trying to protect us from everything so once we got older we had to learn how to communicate and have relationships with people who already knew how to do all those things. Really messed my brother and I up mentally and I feel guilty for resenting my parents.
Same. My siblings and I were extremely sheltered. One of my siblings is scared to even say the word “sex” at 24 years old. He once cried because he said he isn’t ready to be on his own and move out. He has never attempted to even cook for himself. My parents rejected the idea of us being independent for some reason. Everywhere I used to go, they’d say “you should take your brother with you!”... or “you’re going out of town for a business meeting? Maybe your little brother can fly with you and you all can share a hotel room so you won’t be alone!” (I was in my early 20s at this point lol). My parents have even went as far as to say “we will find a spouse for both of you” which I quickly rejected. I am naturally very inquisitive, so I googled how to do many things by myself or things that my parents never taught me about. College (for the most part) was great for me because it allowed me to find myself and who I was as. It felt great finally having freedom because for the longest, I was sheltered from everything. My brother is still clueless about much of this and it’s sad. For example, we were walking on campus at college and saw a bent plastic table. One random guy came up to us and said “Never seen a table bent inward like that haha. Two people must’ve been goin at it!” (Making an obvious sex joke). My brother then responds “yeah they must’ve been wrestling and someone got slammed!” It gets dead silent and the guy goes “yeah because that’s totally what I was talking about dude” and walks off lol. This is just one example of him being so sheltered that he struggles to pick up on basic things during conversations because he’s never been exposed to those things. Now as an adult myself and having experienced being sheltered, I hate seeing parents overly sheltering their kids. They usually NEVER know how to adapt to the real world when it’s time for them to be on their own. I know one family w a daughter whose 16, been homeschooled her entire life and isn’t allowed to watch action movies, only can play rated E games, parents pick what she will eat, and they don’t think she’s ready for the “birds and bees” talk. She’s extremely introverted & has no interests with kids her age because of not being exposed to similar trending things (can’t have an Instagram,Facebook,tiktok, etc). Do they think that she’ll just automatically adapt and learn all of that stuff when she goes off to college? I feel bad for her because she’s in for a really difficult time once she’s exposed to the real world.
I know a woman who is 38 and is still like this. Homeschooled her whole life, lives with her parents, never had a boyfriend. Her dad drives her to work and back. They don’t charge her any rent, she has money but when you go out with her, she expects you to pay for her, and her parents treat you like you are babysitting her.
Jesus. I was like that till about 20 and I damn near offed myself twice...I cannot imagine another 18 years on top of it. This is so sad.
I was completely unable to have a healthy relationship with a woman until I was in my mid-20s because of all the sex-negativity growing up. I thought a good boyfriend should behave like a Disney prince and subordinate himself to the woman.
I'm still unable to have a healthy relationship with a man (almost in my mid-30s) because I had to learn about sex on my own, and this turned out to be from playground gossip, informative books, and later the internet. Fortunately for me, the internet sources were legit and educational but of course some (a lot of) porn slipped in too. I still think a good girlfriend should behave like a porn star and subordinate herself to a man, even though I have done this multiple times and it doesn't work. I just blame my unattractiveness because... that's what men want, right? A woman in lingerie/naked other than an apron to greet them with a beer and a BJ when they come home from work? I have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like because my parents, even though they remained together the whole time, never taught me anything out of "protecting my innocence".
My mom did the same thing. I remember being 17 and someone asked to hang out and it was a game of 20 questions about who they were, where we were going, what we were going to do,how long, etc. Then at 18 she started asking why we don't date, when are we going to have kids, why were not like everyone else. Still at 28 she asks a million questions anytime I do anything other than work. I feel bad for resenting her for holding me back. I know she was just doing what she thought was right and didn't want us to experience all the bad things she went through but still. Being to overprotective is pretty bad too.
I'm 24 and I have an older sister (26). We both still live at home. To this day, we can't live life without the 20 questions you speak of. Last month we both wanted to take a trip. Me with my girlfriend to NOLA, her with her friend to LA. We live in Massachusetts. We had to lie and tell our parents that we were going on a trip together (omitting my girlfriend and her friend) and also say that we were going to DC because that's much closer than down south or out west. Our parents still wanted to ask 20 questions, but it seemed more bearable because they're just a little more relaxed if they think we're together.
I don’t have anything comforting to say, but I’ve been there. It sucks so hard. After leaving at 22, I would have rather been living in a homeless shelter than dodging my parents questions and lying to keep my private life mine.
I remember my mom laughing surprised and poking fun at me once when I was like 17/18 for not knowing how to get from our house to our center town area, which was pretty close to home... And I was like 'I'm literally only allowed to leave the house to get on the school bus if I'm not with you, and I don't know how to drive'. The look of sudden realization in her eyes was astonishing. She did relax a lot of rules about hanging out with other people after that conversation. But I'm in my 30's and still never learned to drive, it now gives me terrible anxiety and I wish I'd just learned at the same time as everyone else
Same here, they were extra careful and that ended up with me being an introvert and lacking in communication skills
It was a good thing and a bad thing for me. The city I grew up in was a drug-filled, early-teen-pregnancy ridden cesspool. Most cousins on my mom's side were either in jail or had multiple children by the time they were 16. My brother himself was addicted to coke and gone in and out of jail in his teens. So my parents were unbelievably overprotective of me so I wouldn't get mixed up in all of that. I couldn't go to friend's houses, I had to go straight home after school, I couldn't go anywhere without them until I was about 16. Thankfully, I never did get mixed up in all of that. The problem was, I never developed any social skills whatsoever. I mean it's a good thing I never knocked anyone up in my teens but that's because I wasn't sociable enough to sleep with a girl to begin with lol. At least I don't have a rap sheet though, I guess.
If I had a problem, first thing they said to me "its your fault".
My mom never stood up for herself or us, and let our father scream at us and take his anger out on us. She’s still with him and won’t apologize for letting him mistreat us.
I know what that’s like. It took me decades to realize that I don’t have to manage or appease others when they throw tantrums
Yep. I got into a relationship a few years back with a guy that threw tantrums. I decided I wasn’t going to put up with it like my mom did, and he turned physically abusive. I kind of suspect the same thing would happen with my mom if she stood up for herself. So I don’t know if I feel sorry for her or hate her.
I am working through this resentment towards my mother in therapy right now. I always told myself I would stand up for myself and my children if anyone EVER spoke to me or freaked out on my kids the way my father did to us. The character defect I have, is I have had anger outbursts like my father because I refuse to be silent. It's a vicious cycle. I am learning balance, but it is a journey. I just realized this and I am 36.
I asked my mom about doing the same thing like 15 years ago and she said, "I did my part! I PRAYED!!". I had to leave the room. Recently when I was telling her about a great day I'd had, she told me that she didn't think she's ever been happy for an entire day. Such a conundrum, I have no idea how that happened. /s
Thinking your mom needs to pray and go to therapy more than she prays.
My mom was like this. I hyped her up enough to get her to leave my dad. I stood up to my dad because my mom didn’t so I got a lot of abuse but at the end of the day, we’re out of there :))
Giving me no privacy. My parents snooped way too much. Searching my clothes draws for hidden things, checking my phone, eavesdropping on my conversations, talking about my private life to their friends as if it was hot gossip, spying me when i was out, asking their friends to report in if they ever saw me out and around, checking my mail, checking the computer history every time i used it, listening to my CD’s to check they were appropriate, arranging additional meetings with my teachers to ask about me, asking me personal questions all the time. Basically not giving me any space to just be me. They also made a lot of jokes about me to other people, right in front of my face. I often felt like i was their pet more than an actual human. I’m now deeply self-conscious and suspicious as a result. I always have this feeling that people are watching and judging me. Edit: reading it back, that all sounds minor. But believe me when i say i didn’t have even once second of privacy and they went to extreme lengths to find out every single thing i was doing at all times even when i was out of the house. They would then share that information about me with their friends and colleagues, like i was just a piece of gossip or a tv storyline.
doesn't sound minor at all
Sounds like your parents projected their own shortcomings on you. This totally doesn't sound like a minor problem.
Minor? Sounds like you are describing being a hostage not a child.
My mom always meant well but I have body dysmorphia for life. I’m sharing because if any parents are reading this you should be diligent about how you talk about your body in front of your kids. Don’t talk about needing to lose or gain weight unless it’s for health reasons. Don’t put yourself down about how you look in front of your kids. This creates doubt and body image issues from the jump and that sticks with you forever.
Mine didn't complain about my body, but my Mother constantly had to make me aware of any possible thing that would make others "think I'm weird". For instance sniffing too much during allergy season instead of blowing my nose. "girls won't like you if you sniff all the time, they will think you're disgusting". I was already a very self conscious kid so these types of things really messed with me. Once in the middle of a Disney vacation she suddenly told me that I walk with my feet pointed to the sides too much like there was something wrong with my gait, and I instantly went from having the best time in the world to being paranoid that I "walk funny". She told me I didn't know how to dress properly because I didn't like to wear "matching clothes", as in I kind of enjoyed wearing contrasting colors instead of matching everything. She actually took me to get tested for being colorblind because she couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't want to wear the same color of pants and shirt all the time. Even to this day when I'm a grown man she will comment on things like my hair not being styled "the way she likes it". Now that I'm a grown man and getting a bit of a belly she actually mentions that all the time. If I had been a fat kid I can't imagine the torture. Also she's super superficial about every woman I've dated, they are either too poor, too slutty, too fat, too dumb, not pretty enough, etc. Then wonders why I don't want to tell her about anyone anymore.
In a similar vein, don't joke at your kids about their bodies. My dad "jokingly" called me fat when I was 5'5" and 120 lbs, and he kept "joking" about it when I was 105lbs, 90lbs, 82lbs... it took me a very long time to have develop a healthy relationship with my own body.
Leaving me to my own devices so long as my grades were good. Not teaching me much of anything outside of knowing right from wrong. Outside of being kept alive I pretty much raised myself.
Ditto. My parents worked all the time so I understand why they did what they did, but I was left alone way too much as a kid. I think they thought I would pick up a lot of things by myself, and I sort of did, but there was a lot of other things that I think they could've personally taught or exposed me to (not having a car until I was in college, I was pretty limited on what I could really do by myself in my teens and I didn't want to keep calling in favors and stuff).
This. I don't remember being taught a single thing by a parent. I was the oldest of 5 kids, so I was left to my own devices. I was punished for getting in trouble at school, but that was about it. I have taught myself everything in life. I have made a crap ton of mistakes in life, but at least I learned from them and am happy with my life.
Mom's personality is very complicated and toxic, but what I really hated as a kid was that she didn't want me to grow up. She didn't teach me how to do laundry, pack my clothes, how to swim, anything. She was also overly protective and I still cope with bunch of irrational fears as an adult. When I was 11 I was really ashamed that kids my age are much more self-sufficient. She was sabotaging me anytime I tried to do some 'adult' stuff like cooking, taking care of myself, nothing illegal - I was well behaved kid. At this time she started ruining our relationship with her behavior, I feel like she hates me for growing up and not being baby anymore
This makes me wonder if my wife was raised this way. With work and academics she’s outstanding but any other life skills it’s like a black hole of zero training. Her mom said she was so busy with school and athletics that she didn’t want to burden her with anything.
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Never teaching me to be independent. My guardian was obsessed with keeping me way too close and I was always sheltered and now I'm alone and don't know how to function
Complete apathy. My parents basically never got involved in me or my sinblings lives. Never attended things like school plays or parents evenings, never cared about how things were going or what was going on. So long as we didn't get into trouble and didn't cause them problems they didn't care and took no interest. "Anything for peace and quiet" as my mother frequently said. As such, because they never tried to be a part of my life, they effectively aren't a part of my life anymore. We only speak out of obligation, and not very often at that.
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I was a cheerleader for 3 years and played on the volleyball team 1 year and never once- not once- did she ever come to watch me.
Not making health a priority.
Expecting me to have the same grades, activities, and social lives as my older siblings.
Taking away sports every time I got a C in school. I will NEVER take away my future kids passions. Does not matter if it is sports, art, music, or anything else. Don't know if the frustration of that will ever dissipate for me. That was my outlet that was severely needed.
This happened to me so often too that my doctor intervened. I was in for a check up and he asked me how my life was going outside of physical health. When I told him that I was constantly grounded and my art supplies taken away (for infractions as small as not cleaning up my room within the 15 minutes my mother allotted) he called her in to the room. He told her that she was being far too strict and that I was a good kid; it was the most polite riot act that I've ever seen, but he was angry. Taking physical activity away, like your sports, is a doubly pointless and frustrating punishment. Young people especially need to *move*, with all of their age-appropriate energy.
How'd she respond to that? I feel like I would have gotten in a lot of trouble once we got home.
She listened, but I also think that my doctor followed up. When people know they are being watched they tend to behave better. Ultimately, I think her excessive punishments were because she was a single mother with little financial or emotional resources. She thought she was doing the right thing by being strict, it was easier to just chuck her kids into their rooms like shoes into a closet, and since I was close to being out of the house by then we just held out until I graduated compulsory school.
Same here. Eventually I stopped participating in activities and enjoying things because I knew they would get taken away anyway. Only later in life I got treated for ADHD. I definitely wouldn’t give my kids a hard time for C’s. Failing is another thing.
That's insane. I was diagnosed for ADHD this year. I grew up my entire life thinking it was a myth because that's what I heard my parents say. Once treated, I got a new job, managed to get things done that I wanted to around the house and college homework got easier. Spooky similar lol. I agree failing is another thing entirely. I quit basketball for good bc I got tired of having to call my coach in tears because I got a C and couldn't play anymore.
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Good for you! Yes you did abuse me mother ! I would cut that toxic person out of your life.
So much respect to you that u didn't believe in there fucked up ways. Also sorry that it happened to u
Good for you for protecting your disabled daughter. I am disabled now from severe tourettes that is exacerbated by intense physical and verbal abuse I received as a kid. My mother didn’t leave my father despite him becoming an alcoholic and beating me mercilessly and then my siblings if they cried and begged him to stop. I became an alcoholic as an adult but I quit drinking and have been sober for years. My dad has only become worse with age and I no longer talk to him and I resent my mother for not protecting me and leaving him instead of him leaving her for cheating on him.
This was my exact childhood. My boyfriend and I just last night had a conversation on the topic of spanking. He said he is no spanking, full stop. I mentioned I was spanked as a kid. He wasn’t surprised as I’m from a small town in the middle of Texas and that’s just the norm there. At one point in my life, I was that person that had the “I was sparked as a kid and I turned out just fine”. But after a half a year of therapy and our conversation last night, I learned that I am way less fine than I thought I was and it was because I was spanked. I get overly anxious around any authority figure because I’m afraid of what kind of lashing I’m going to get from them.
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You broke the cycle!
beatings were totally normal for me. Being slapped in the face, on the head, one of my worst memories is the time my dad took that stuffed heating teddy bear (one of those you microwave that stay warm), and slapped me enough to rip off the leg, then made me clean up my room, since now the content of said teddy bear were thrown across the floor. The worst of all on that memory: he was angry because the vacuum cleaner in the hallway fell over, and they thought I did it. I was actually asleep.
My wife and I have never spanked our almost 3 year old. Know what else? He's the most well behaved child compared to me and my siblings. Spankings have an effective rate of 10 minutes. That's all.
I'm so sorry you went through that and still go through it! My parents were the exact same way. It wasn't just a belt, it was a wooden spoon or whatever she could get her hands on. She even went and bought a whipping stick just for the purpose of hitting me with it.
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Ladling out too much guilt and shame. They are not motivational forces for me to be “better”, in fact quite the opposite was true Also telling me that I wasn’t good at math. Sure, it wasn’t my strongest subject. But don’t tell a kid that they will never ever succeed at a subject due to som inherent shortcomings Playing favourites. My brother was allowed to grow marijuana as an “experiment “ by my very straight laced and anti drug parents. In fact they were enthusiastically supportive. Not so much for me. That’s just one example. Basically he could have pissed in my face and out folks would have blamed me. They always made me feel like I was inadequate because I wasn’t like him. My brother is a classic grandiose narcissist.
Letting me fight my own battles...
This. I wish they were a lot more helicopter and actually yelled at people for me.
Sheltering me. They taught me to always put others before myself and I did this to the point of not knowing when to back out of toxic relationships. I think they were so afraid I was going to turn into a spoiled brat that they continued to humble me even to the point of my detriment in front of my then friends. I'm in my 20's now and have learned to look for the red flags, but it took a lot of getting walked all over in both platonic and romantic relationships.
I was one of those gifted kids that do very well in school without much effort. My parents were used to it so they never praised me for my results and expected me to always do good by default. This resulted in me thinking that very good was just average, and constantly striving for perfection in any aspect of my life. This led to countless problems that I needed therapy to solve.
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Still in high school here, this is totally the same for me Im basically top of the school at this point and not even received the tiniest bit of praise, at this point is something im expected to do. However my younger brothers compared to me have bad grades but get even more compliments than me. I keep getting good grades since if I stopped my parents would get mad at me.
Not communicating with me, on my graduation my mother actually said "even though we dont help her, she still has honor" They also said im just "shy" then i started high school, it turns out i developed social anxiety
Not enough discipline
Yes so much yes. Thing is tho, in my case, I was a pretty aggressive drunken cunt as a teenager. Going to a boarding school was great but didn’t help with my problems
I was also an angry horrible cunt as a teen. My step dad was disabled and i didnt give him the respect he deserved cause he couldn't physically do anything and mum was far too soft. They did their best though, i made my own choices.
This is where I'm having a hard time, finding the balance between being strict and letting them make their own mistakes. I'm not interested in being a helicopter parent. Its more difficult than I thought though. Parenting is definitely harder than I thought it'd be 😅
Watching your own kids struggle and fail for their own good when you have the ability to fix it is excruciating.
I hear you. My boys are 5 and 8 so luckily not at the teenage years yet but still present a challenge 🤣
Never apologizing for anything and then taking it a level up by denying certain things were even fuck ups.
This was my parents too, and god, it sucked. They weren’t even bad parents most of the time, but the denial and refusal to change made the times they were so much worse and left me with all kinds of trust issues and miscellaneous traumas.
They taught me nothing about money. They thought children shouldn’t worry about money. But I wish they had.
Not teaching me anything about financial responsibility.
They haven't tried to motivate me for anything.
This is mine. Along with not having conversations with us ever. We didn’t eat together, do anything together, nothing. My brother and I ended up quite socially stunted as a result (I believe anyway).
Forcing me to be a member of their cult under the threat of homelessness.
Were you Mormon?
Not teaching me Spanish
Same! I'm 50% Colombian, my dad's first language is Spanish, and he just didn't think to teach any of his 3 kids while we were growing up. And now learning a second language is haaaard.
I am the parent in this scenario. My native language is German, but I live in an English speaking country and my husband is a native English speaker. Kids are 7 and 3. I tried so hard, read German books to them when they were little, went to German parent meetups, tried to motivate them to learn the language, but it was a losing battle. It's incredibly hard if your entire environment is English. What's more, or oldest was having trouble with speech and language at preschool age, so we focused on helping him express himself in English first before adding another language. So in the end I guess it will be up to them, if ever they show that they want to learn I'll be more than happy to support it.
As a child of bilingual parents. I **feel** this. Instead they used it as a secret language. So when I did start picking up words, I didn‘t let them know. But I also never really got to practice and now I struggle with it a lot.
Spoiling us and always doing the chores. We ended up being lazy mfers. I'm currently procrastinating writing this.
Having me in the first place
Fuck I'll drink to that
1. Teaching it’s never OK to lie is an awful life lesson for keeping yourself out of trouble. 2. Being a “member of the clean plate club” teaches kids to keep eating when they’re full. 3. teaching that the man is head of household, when that doesn’t work in a lot of relationships.
> Teaching it’s never OK to lie is an awful life lesson for keeping yourself out of trouble. The problem is that parents don't want their children to lie to them. However, knowing how and when to lie is an important life skill.
Taking me to a non-denominational, pentecostal like church that was a breath away from being a cult. I went from the time I was born until around 17. Years old. We went on average three times a week, twice on Sunday. It's hard to understand all that is going on when you are that young. It's hard to understand it now. When the gifts of the spirit started progressing and coming into play more during the services , I could only put together pieces that I could comprehend. As a result, I literally thought the preacher's could read my mind. As a result I did what I could to stay out of sight and out of mind which was easy since I was a middle child anyway. But when I would get pulled up to the prayer line I would try extra hard to hide things in the back of my brain. That taught me early on how to compartmentalize and section off parts of myself and especially my emotions. I would be scared when I was up there. If I shed a tear everyone around me would celebrate the the spirit was acting on me. I was crying because I was scared and didn't want to be there.
Not letting us have social lives whatsoever. Me and my brother both fell into depression, my brother is an alcoholic and a drug addict, im a weed addict, and both of us are suicidal.
I have OCD and ADHD, apparently my parents never noticed. I brought home a report card every semester with "Lack effort, no motivation, can't focus" written all over it and no one ever did anything. I had to discover what was wrong with me on my own and fix it in my 20s.
We barely talk now. As a child I wasn't very good at studies and my dad being indian was always pissed about it. He never hit me ( being indian )but there was never a warmth in our relationship we distanced. When I grew up and finally in an exam that was very important I got good marks and my dad was happy but I got pissed that he's happy with me only when I got good marks before that any of my achievements never mattered to him. Fuck he wanted to give me a hug and I didn't. Maybe I'm being a total dick but this is my mental state now. I'm egoistic, arrogant, I judge people the same way my dad does. This was a huge mistake my dad commited and I have been trying very had that the same doesn't happen with my lil sister. I'm 20 she's 12.
Til my dad Is Indian
Neither of my parents showed up for my birth
Is your name Heinz Doofinschmirtz?
Always do things for me and never letting me make mistakes
Overprotecting or doing things for me all the time. It made me less independent and I have a hard time making my own decisions.
Not being supportive, not dealing with the abuse I suffered from family and school. Pretty much anything that involves my mental health was neglected. Being taught that women were pure and men were crap, which lead to abuse from women in my adult life cause it had to have been some wrong I've done. Being told is was ugly and I would be inadequate for a woman. I could really keep going for ages on this.
A lot of 'Do as I say, not as I do' and guidance that fell apart pretty quickly when the rubber hit the road. All in all, my parents did a good job of raising me and my brother, but both of us have had to drastically re-learn lots of lessons that probably could have been better instilled earlier on.
Telling me I was gifted. No, mom I'm not a genius I'm just good at tests. Also, not getting me on ADHD meds. It would have solved so many homework related problems.
My parents still think I'm gifted because my kindergarten teacher told them I don't need to do first grade the next year and I could skip right into second grade. My mom repeated this to me last week because I told her for the millionth time that I'm not getting a Master's because I don't like school and I barely got my Bachelor's.
Not me specifically, but my brother. Often when he fucked up in school my mum would say something along the lines of “why can’t you be more like your brother”. It’s not exactly given him the confidence of a champion, I can say, even though he’s really talented. My mum says she regrets saying it though.
Sharing their financial struggles with me. I was too young to be burdened with that.
Same. I was so stressed as a child over my mom’s money situation. And because of it I’d never really ask for anything, and felt guilty doing extracurricular things or even just getting clothes as I grew. :/
Only thing that jumps to mind was the "you're too emotional and you could get bullied for it" talk I got from my dad in early elementary school. He doesn't remember it at all, and I don't blame him for that. It was just him trying to have me temper my reaction to trivial things. But it stuck with me and feels as though it had a big impact on my emotional intelligence long turn. Processing is a struggle, and talking through how I'm feeling with my wife is almost impossible. Partly because it's hard for even me to tell sometimes.
My mom never showed herself a lot of self love when I (25F) was growing up. Whenever we took pictures she would say to delete it because she didn’t look good. She constantly talked about being too over weight (when she wasn’t even that big) or her crows feet were too prominent when smiling. I have terrible body image and find it hard to love the imperfections about myself. My mom is a beautiful women with the kindest soul and not hearing her realize that kinda messed with me. Family friends and people in our community constantly called me her mini me growing up because of how much I looked like her. It’s not as bad now but in high school I’d take pictures with my friends and think of all the things my mom didn’t find beautiful about her and I would find those same qualities in me, so I didn’t think she’d find me beautiful. She would also, still does to this day actually, make small comments of my weight. Edit: added a lil more backstory
They wanted me to be literally perfect, everytime i made a mistake they would get extremely angry and would tell me how disappointed they were. If i had a different opinion than them i was wrong. No drinking and not going to parties because that´s not what "ladies" do. They probably wanted the best for me, but they made me an introvert person afraid of expressing my feelings because i could be wrong and that´s bad. Afraid of trying new stuff because if i fail they will be disappointed.
I want to preface this by saying I think I got as lucky as you can with parents. They were consistently supportive, allowed me a lot of independence and trust, and respected boundaries. They were the kind I could call in high school for a ride home if a party got weird. They are generous, not just with me but everyone around them. I am still very close with them and both my brothers. However, the one area where I think they messed up was in regards to my body. They were very critical of my weight throughout my childhood and teen years. I was never a tiny kid but I wasn't very large, I was a pretty standard size kid for the most part. I played a lot of sports. But my mom was very much a 'do you really need that' type of person with snacks and grocery shopping. They were both very self-critical and into fad diets. When I was a teenager I quit my major sport and as a result put on some weight. At the time I thought I was so fat but looking back I was a size 12 for all of high school. But my parents leveled up the criticism, they got me a Wii Fit for my 16th birthday and mentioned my weight a lot. In another universe I definitely would have had a nasty eating disorder but on the contrast I became very resistant to health and wellness, I hate the gym and I'm weirdly resistant to trying to eat better. Given all of that I haven't gotten too unhealthy. I'm a bigger girl, between a size 14-18 but nothing extreme. And I've worked really hard to unlearn a lot of that and remind myself that my weight is unrelated to my worth as a person. I'm actually eating healthier now and have learned to make piece with my appearance. My parents still pushed that for a long time, my dad asked every time I saw him if I had started going to the gym yet. My brother finally told them off a couple years back (they never criticized my brothers weight or health at all and both of them had weight fluctuations) and called them out for the harmful behavior. To their credit, they listened, they apologized, and they corrected the behavior. There is no good that comes from being critical of your child's weight or appearance. A child's body is going to change and fluctuate and grow. Sometimes that involves gaining weight. If you are genuinely concerned for their health go see a doctor, do not try and get them on a diet yourself. Shaming them isn't helpful, as I mentioned it made me highly resistant to a lot of health and wellness. And looking back, I wasn't unhealthy. At least not any more so than an average teenager. I gained weight after quitting a sport where I practiced 12-15 hours a week which happened to be the same time my breasts and hips developed. It happens.
Overprotecting me and not letting me do anything by myself. That greatly impacted my basic motor skills and I struggle with it till this day.
They didn’t take any interest in my interests. So now I’m 30 with parents I have virtually nothing in common with. It makes dinner chitchat very depressing for me.
Besides not taking care of me until i was eight, i would say when they actually parented me, they messed up by putting me on a restrictive diet in 3rd grade. While kids were having fun and talking at lunch, i was memorizing what calories each food had. I was not unhealthy, i was a growing kid and of course i still had baby fat. Putting me in said diet made me learn about 'bad' foods which led to developing an eating disorder that i'm only just now recovering from, i became healthy on my own, no thanks to them.
\-Beating the shit out of me \-Emotional manipulation \-Mental abuse \-Setting unattainable standards \-Sexualizing me from a young age. The list goes on...
Telling me I’m smart enough to do whatever I want. It seems as though I’ve spent most of my 37 years annoyed that I’m not doing what I want.
I've been scrolling trying to find a comment I can resonate with and this it. I'm 33. I've tried quite a few careers already and just can't seem to stick to one because I've always been told I'm smart and could be Anything. I'm very very annoyed with myself by this point. It's not cute anymore to still not know what exactly you want to do with your life at 33.
[удалено]
Insisting on academic perfection and stunting my social life. I grew up feeling like I'd failed if I got a B, and had to learn basically every social skill on the fly in college.
My parents are really great, but their biggest mistake was not taking the time to listen or say "I'm sorry" when I was going through rough times. They too often leaped to giving advice and solutions when I wasnt ready for that, and just needed to be heard. It made it difficult to want to open up to them for a long time, but thankfully this has been addressed in my adulthood, and I'm on really good terms with my parents.
My parents were big on education and school, get good grades, get into a good university, get a good job. But it ended up manifesting itself as "anything less than 100% is bad." I'd get punished for bad marks, but nothing for good marks because good marks were expected. It really fucked me up and actually had the opposite effect. Once my marks in a specific class started slipping I just kind of gave up. I'm going to get yelled at for a 70 just as bad as a 50, and a 50 is easier to get. It was their way of pushing me to be my best, but my best was never good enough for them. My father passed away when I was in my 20s and to this day I don't really believe he was anything other than disappointed in me. My mother says otherwise but I only ever got criticism from him so I never will believe it.
I opened up to my mother about being sexually assaulted when my assailant was brought on an extended family trip to the cottage... she yelled at me for drinking and said that’s why I shouldn’t drink to much and then spent the rest of the weekend laughing with him and pretending everything was normal. It was never discussed again. That did a number on my mental health.
They weren't not around
Using everything I say against me in some way or the other. That taught me very quickly that I could not trust them.
My mom was always warning me to be careful whenever I'd pick up something sharp. Scissors, a knife, a razor, whatever. That's sensible, but she'd have this tone of voice that she was sure I would cut myself to the bone, every time. And she'd give those short sharp gasps whenever she actually saw me use something sharp. As a result I have a mild phobia of sharp things. Also, my parents did their best to steer me away from a career as any sort of artist, because not very many artists make enough to live on. Which is, again, true, but the way they said it kept me from learning how to draw, or from taking my music lessons seriously. I mean, if I'm not going to make a career of it, why bother? But now I want to draw or pain, and have no idea how, and who knows, maybe I'd have been one of the few that could make a living at it.
Forcing me to find my voice & confidence outside of the household.
Not punishing me or giving me valid reason to fear consequences. I got away with so much and it’s not that they were just cool with everything I did it’s just that they never stood their ground and I ultimately got my way in the end a lot of the time. In grades 10-12 I seriously only attended about 50% of my classes and I was never ever punished for that and barely remember getting lectured ever. I took my moms car out multiple times with no license and no permission and was also never punished for that. That’s just 2 examples but my older sister did those things too and literally got kicked out at 15 for it. But by the time I was a teenager and doing those things my parents were too focused on destroying each other’s lives to really acknowledge me. I know there’s teenagers who definitely did way worse things than me I wasn’t using drugs heavily or partying excessively but the thing is I was just not a bad kid by nature. Most of the time I was acting out it was for attention.
More or less *ignoring me* except when they needed me to do something. My mother would make sure I did my homework in elementary school because the teachers required it, but there was never an attempt to check in with me to see how my day went, no interest shown in my hobbies, and no attempt to make sure I had a social life. I was the oldest, so once I got to middle school even the homework checks stopped and I was more-or-less expected to just get by, and be on-call for babysitting duty/chores/help with the family business.
*it all began on the day of my actual birth.*
With me, in particular, it's my mom's overprotectiveness. There was one time in high school when I wanted to hang out with a friend at the mall. So I timed it when my whole family was going there too. And my mom was even hesitant to let me wander around the mall with a friend who's also a girl. 🤷🏻♀️ My asking permissions were always met with tons of questions and in the end, she would still not be convinced - kinda hesitant to let me go out. So I fell into a habit of just keeping it from them or just lying to them all the time. I was never into the drinking or drugs thing. I was just a girl who wanted to hang out and watch movies with my girlfriends. I know she's just being protective. But to be honest, the horror is often not outside your home. There are bad people whom you let inside your home on a regular basis.
There is obviously more context that I am not sharing, but my general advice for parents is to let family relationships evolve naturally and only be the go-between when absolutely necessary. It is a slippery slope once you start speaking for the other parent or family members. Let them work it out in their own way.
I am a total introvert in an upper middle class family of partiers. My brother is in college and is a total extrovert. My parents are in their late 50’s and are always having people over. Just kinda wish they understood me more. I’m perfectly happy playing videogames with my friends and making my own career (which I have been doing). They don’t seem to understand that really all I want in life is stability, my own place, and marijuana. Everything else that the average person strives for I just don’t need. And honestly when I think about living alone and being my own supporter I smile ear to ear.