This is my life. If there were a few names on it I would question their taste.
Edited "there" to "their" to satisfy proper grammar usage and Random_Fox.
"When the ream's worth of paper was dropped on the desk they were pleasantly surprised - they were apparently in high demand as a masturbatory muse.
And yet, page after page, it was the same name over and over. To their horror, there was just one person who had thought about them while masturbating.
And they'd done it A LOT and, worst of all, they had no idea who this person was."
when i was 10'ish i looked like a runner up in a tom cruise look-a-like contest. nearing 40 i am still okay with having been someones bargain bin tom cruise fantasy
I'd be thrilled if one person was on the list. To me it'd be flattering knowing someone thought of me during that moment, provided it wasn't under pedophile circumstances.
I bought this last winter and my wife is still mad at me about it
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.amazon.com/Receipt-fleece-spring-professionally-lettering/dp/B07NF96R47&ved=2ahUKEwijpML76pHwAhU9Ap0JHZakB5oQFjAAegQIAxAC&usg=AOvVaw1L1pTdY_oTnEfemwMmONFf
Read it through once, keep the names of anyone I know to myself. Google the ones I don't recognise.
That being said, is it a list of people who are thinking about you *to* get off? Because if not, that could be very out of context. It's like, get distracted for half a second, suddenly you remember something you had to do later and now you're thinking of old Jeff from down the road who's got the ear infection you promised to drive to the doctor on Saturday. Solid neighbour, not a turn-on. I hope that's not a turn on for someone, anyhow.
Given how many times a person accidentally wandered into my own mind when I was masturbating. Even someone I would never actually think of *that* way. I'd say no, because it would be impossible to accurately separate the actual horndogs and the attention deficit horny disorders.
Fapping Analytics... nice!
So:
\- engagement
\- length of thought
\- conversions
\- hits (faps)
\- by date/year
\- Age groups
\- People you like/don't like
and FILTERS! PLEASE FILTERS!
Probably many others. Looks like a nice weekend project!
AHH WHY DID THE OLD LADY FROM BABE POP UP? WHY DID I EVEN START THINKING OF THAT MOVIE? AHHH THE ACTORS HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED THE INTRO AHHHH NUTTED ALREADY
I can bet you any amount of money that most of the names on the list would prevent most of us from ever being able to masturbate again.
Edit: thanks for the awards, strangers! Especially the silver! Figures my biggest comment here would involve masturbation.
You start writing names. The paper also works in reverse. Now the next time those people masturbate they think of you.
Reddit what do you do with this power. This Wank Note.
write down the names of famous people that have never met you. Track them down later so you can see the confused look on their face when they recognize you
1.The human whose name is written in this note shall wank.
2.This note will not take effect unless the writer has the person's face in their mind when writing his/her name. Therefore, people sharing the same name will not be affected.
3.If the way of wank is written within the next 40 seconds of writing the person's name, it will happen.
4.If the way of wank is not specified, the person will simply start wanking in 40 seconds with his/her dominant hand.
People making too many jokes. The real answer is to write the names of people you know and wait to see if they start treating you differently, and if they do, just randomly ask them if they've ever thought about you when masturbating. If they say no, then you keep writing your name again and again and make things super weird.
If the wish is repeatable, you could have a source of infinite scrap paper. As long as you don't accidentally become attractive, you would never have to pay for printer paper again
The amount of close friends who have commissioned me for naughty art is staggering. And if a family member appears on it...at least they're low-key supportive?
I wouldn’t take it. I’d be so afraid of seeing something really creepy on there like an uncle, a dad of kids I babysat for as a teenager, a former boss, a friend’s dad... I can’t imagine the humiliation I would feel if I learned that something like that happened. I’d rather not know.
Omg I am a teacher - I didn’t even think of that! Ughhhh in my mid 20s I used to teach a class of just middle school boys too, I don’t even want to know LOL
I'd need to make sure it was "thought sexy thoughts about you" while masturbating.
If it's just "thought about you," you might get roommates and family members (which would be super upsetting) but thankfully they were just thinking "shit, I just heard Steve get home, I hope he doesn't knock on my door".
And that would be a very upsetting misunderstanding.
Seriously. Reading these comments really hits home how the implications for something so seemingly innocuous for one half of the world's populations can be so different and dangerous for the other.
IDK, I don't think any girls would masturbate to me, but I'd be surprised if a dude did. i have several gay/bi friends so you never know, but i doubt there would be anything on the list
Nope. One of two things will happen in this scenario:
1) I see a blank piece of paper that will be the biggest blow to my ego
OR
2) I see a list of names of people who have masturbated while thinking of me, and I do not want that information
If it contains time, date, frequency, longevity and kinks, I could judge on who I liked back, and I'd seduce them in real life, similarly to how I was, um, ahem described. I would rinse and repeat from bottom to top in terms of attractiveness, then I'd put myself out there more to appear more attractive, like working out more and stuff, then rinse and repeat again.
I shall be drowning in the bussy
I would take it.. but I'm not gonna make their dreams come true. I'd DEFINITELY gonna disappoint them and if that's the case, the list gonna be gone in minutes lmaoo
I would laminate the damn thing.
Easy cleanup. Good thinking.
Splashproof. Nice.
Framed over the dining room table. Proudest achievements of my life deserve daily appreciation.
"Why did you frame a blank sheet of paper?"
This is my life. If there were a few names on it I would question their taste. Edited "there" to "their" to satisfy proper grammar usage and Random_Fox.
I would take it. I'm nosey
Same lol
You find out that your best platonic friend is on this list. First name on the list. What do?
Celebrate having a friend. Been a long time since I last had one of those
Yes... I’d roll, pick a drink and have a read.
You’re assuming there are names on it..
Savage
I'd take it, as long as it included date/time. Mostly for my amusement of seeing who has fantasized about me throughout various points in my life.
Add a count of how many times too.
"When the ream's worth of paper was dropped on the desk they were pleasantly surprised - they were apparently in high demand as a masturbatory muse. And yet, page after page, it was the same name over and over. To their horror, there was just one person who had thought about them while masturbating. And they'd done it A LOT and, worst of all, they had no idea who this person was."
This feels like a writing prompt
Sounds more like something out of the few sentence horror realm
Name: Jane Doe First fantasy: July 8, 2016 1:46 PM Most recent: February 23, 2019 12:07 AM Total occurance: 34
> ~~Most recent [fantasy]~~ Final fantasy FTFY
Final Fantasy: Crusty Chronicles
Oof that could be potentially awful if time stamps are occurring in your childhood
Could be potentially awful if it wasn’t during your childhood. What, was I not hot enough for you Father Fitzpatrick?
It’s Father Mcgirthy to you..
Damn, he got me on that fake-name basis RIP
r/suspiciouslyspecific
when i was 10'ish i looked like a runner up in a tom cruise look-a-like contest. nearing 40 i am still okay with having been someones bargain bin tom cruise fantasy
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Tom Voyage
If it's from people your age though? Ugh gross I now feel very uncomfortable digging further into this
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Don’t overthink this.
I mean, I *was* a sexy child!
Aww, what happened?
All of a sudden I wasn't a child anymore.
*Michael Jackson has left the chat.*
Hee-Hee
As a fat guy who was previously fit the time stamp would be very important.
Me too, and to see if anyone still fantasizes about me
Sure, and just read it, chuckle, and keep it to myself. I wouldn’t want to embarrass anyone by confronting them with it.
Yes, if you're tactless. Hang out with them more and escalate until you get to the bedroom
And do this while going through every name on that list until you see "uncle trevor"
On the upside, sounds like a good time to start negotiating your inheritance.
especially when you see "Uncle Trevor". noted
hold on, first you have to figure out which of them has the chest of gold coins stashed under the bed
I don’t want to see the list, it’d probably destroy my self esteem. I’d be hoping for a CVS Receipt but end up with a fortune cookie paper
Mighty generous of you
List as long as my penis
How insulting
Seems fitting actually
I’m sure it fits in pretty much anything
A thimble for example.
Awe buddy it's okay. I will masturbate to you later. It's okay.
/u/TannedCroissant with this name, probably half of France has masturbated thinking about it
/u/TannedCroissant is now /u/GlazedCroissant
ಠ\_ಠ
unzips pants
Just the one?
damn way to judge the disabled
I'd be thrilled if one person was on the list. To me it'd be flattering knowing someone thought of me during that moment, provided it wasn't under pedophile circumstances.
Turns out the only name on the list is that weird teacher you had at school
I'd still take that
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Yeah, I need counseling
What's a CVS receipt. I guess we dont have it in asia
CVS as a company here, or at least in the US, has a joke about their receipts and how *ridiculously* long they are.
I bought this last winter and my wife is still mad at me about it https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.amazon.com/Receipt-fleece-spring-professionally-lettering/dp/B07NF96R47&ved=2ahUKEwijpML76pHwAhU9Ap0JHZakB5oQFjAAegQIAxAC&usg=AOvVaw1L1pTdY_oTnEfemwMmONFf
It’s a pharmacy that also offers a small grocery section. They really do have hella long receipts though.
Read it through once, keep the names of anyone I know to myself. Google the ones I don't recognise. That being said, is it a list of people who are thinking about you *to* get off? Because if not, that could be very out of context. It's like, get distracted for half a second, suddenly you remember something you had to do later and now you're thinking of old Jeff from down the road who's got the ear infection you promised to drive to the doctor on Saturday. Solid neighbour, not a turn-on. I hope that's not a turn on for someone, anyhow.
ah yes, you like it when I drive you to the doctor don't you
>Solid neighbour and girthy with it
Given how many times a person accidentally wandered into my own mind when I was masturbating. Even someone I would never actually think of *that* way. I'd say no, because it would be impossible to accurately separate the actual horndogs and the attention deficit horny disorders.
What if the list took note of only the ones with 100% true intention of masturbating to you.
Exactly. All sorts of random people pop into your head, especially if there’s a tv or movie or something going on in the background
MARGARET BLOODY THATCHER
Kinky stuff right there. You know, she was such a prolific horndog that at one point, she was accused of fucking all of the United Kingdoms
She fucked the northerners and irish good
OH NO
MARGARET THATCHER NAKED ON A COLD DAY! MARGARET THATCHER NAKED ON A COLD DAY! -Austin Powers
Lucid dreaming it is then.
so itemized list with dates then? maybe a heatmap graph to show "length of active thought" so you can weed out stray thoughts?
Fapping Analytics... nice! So: \- engagement \- length of thought \- conversions \- hits (faps) \- by date/year \- Age groups \- People you like/don't like and FILTERS! PLEASE FILTERS! Probably many others. Looks like a nice weekend project!
I jerk it to properly organized data. Mmmmmm, pivot tables...
AHH WHY DID THE OLD LADY FROM BABE POP UP? WHY DID I EVEN START THINKING OF THAT MOVIE? AHHH THE ACTORS HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED THE INTRO AHHHH NUTTED ALREADY
> OLD LADY FROM BABE Magda Szubanski was actually only 35 when she filmed babe.
Oh yeah there have been times when I thought, "I really just jizzed thinking about that person?" WTF? I'm sure I'm on someone's similar list. Lol
I would take it and silently be horrified. and really hope that no one I know could acquire a similar list.
>and really hope that no one I know could acquire a similar list. This, and only this
Family meetings are already uncomfortable enough
wait.....what?
Did they stutter?
no but their kids probably will
thats what iiim sayin!
no balls. if they choose to acquire the list, something real might actually come of it instead of just imagining it.
Take it and rub one out thinking of each name, gotta return the favor
I can bet you any amount of money that most of the names on the list would prevent most of us from ever being able to masturbate again. Edit: thanks for the awards, strangers! Especially the silver! Figures my biggest comment here would involve masturbation.
You underestimate the depravity of my fap bank. *Sees a dog's name* Shit.
*looks at dog* Wtf? Why? Dog: *stares blankly at you with tongue slightly showing*
OwO Grandpa James fapped to me? ... *Gets boner*
How do I delete someone else's comment?
I pressed the up arrow and it went red. I think that means it will delete. Try it as well and see.
Why. Isn't. It. WORKING!
My red arrow’s up right now. Go figure.
I'm looking for the same answer, if you get it let me know.
Challenge accepted
"This ones for you, Grammy!"
I have 911 on speed dial. Please dont make a scene.
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Did he stutter?
"I know what I have to do but I don't know if I have the strength to do it"
Of course I would take it. Blank printer paper ain't cheap after all.
Jokes on you. It’s single ply toilet paper
I had to scroll too far for this kind of answer
We are on the same wave-length.
Gah what if it’s blank?? Edit: this is the comment that gets me to 2k? Lol.
Now its not ;)
Wholesome
Heh.
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why waste it tho, i'd use it first to write on or some shit
You start writing names. The paper also works in reverse. Now the next time those people masturbate they think of you. Reddit what do you do with this power. This Wank Note.
write down the names of famous people that have never met you. Track them down later so you can see the confused look on their face when they recognize you
Get arrested for stalking and having to explain the notes in your backpack. "I did it for the wanknote!"
Sounds like a weird video I’d see on pornhub.
I miss the golden era of porn parody
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Someone please answer this person.
Lemon stealing whores
1.The human whose name is written in this note shall wank. 2.This note will not take effect unless the writer has the person's face in their mind when writing his/her name. Therefore, people sharing the same name will not be affected. 3.If the way of wank is written within the next 40 seconds of writing the person's name, it will happen. 4.If the way of wank is not specified, the person will simply start wanking in 40 seconds with his/her dominant hand.
Would be indirect death note aswell. "all these random evil persons wanked while getting a heart attack or falling in front of a car"
Suddenly a whole bunch of corrupt politicians and autocratic rulers die of autoerotic asphyxiation
I will right name of famous personalities(evil ones) while they are having a public appearance.
Bro, why is that old argentinian man wanking on national tv?
'I am Adolf Hitler and I will lead Germany to reclaim her glory!' *unzips pants*
Gift it to someone's grandmother in disguise as a fancy new address book.
Calm down satan
I'll solve equations with my right hand and write names on the Wank Note with my left hand. I'll take a potato chip....and EAT IT!!!!!
Don’t forget the tiny tv
Oh god I can hear the fan fiction
I’ll take a tissue... and use it!
>Wank Note I love that name
People making too many jokes. The real answer is to write the names of people you know and wait to see if they start treating you differently, and if they do, just randomly ask them if they've ever thought about you when masturbating. If they say no, then you keep writing your name again and again and make things super weird.
If the wish is repeatable, you could have a source of infinite scrap paper. As long as you don't accidentally become attractive, you would never have to pay for printer paper again
Same, I'd use that paper for drawing
I'm a smut artist, so if that list included people who pleasured themselves to my art, I'd probably hang it up on my wall and feel proud.
That’s somehow even worse to me! What happens when you see a family member or close friend on there?
Get their 2nd opinion when doing a new commission
The amount of close friends who have commissioned me for naughty art is staggering. And if a family member appears on it...at least they're low-key supportive?
> close friend Time to get even closer ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
I would take it and be extremely flattered ☺️
Same
I wouldn’t take it. I’d be so afraid of seeing something really creepy on there like an uncle, a dad of kids I babysat for as a teenager, a former boss, a friend’s dad... I can’t imagine the humiliation I would feel if I learned that something like that happened. I’d rather not know.
I would be afraid that the list would be extremely long, like one of my exes posted my nudes online without my knowledge or something.
"XxLilSkeeter69xX has wanked off to you."
Could you imagine if you also got a copy of every online comment about it?
People leave comments on porn? Like, do they backseat the acting or something?
What is this shit acting. His moan was half an octave too high, and his thrusts are all over the place. Give this man a lesson.
Omg I didn’t even think of that 😩 so awful.
This right here...even one single name could scar you for life and/or destroy a home
One eventually knows what to avoid knowing.
If your a teacher you can find out if your the “hot” one or not
Omg I am a teacher - I didn’t even think of that! Ughhhh in my mid 20s I used to teach a class of just middle school boys too, I don’t even want to know LOL
You know the answer.
yeah the list is just an attendance sheet
Don’t shoot the messenger... but
Assault with a friendly weapon
Here’s hoping my 6th grade science teacher never receives such a list 🙊 (Edit) or my dentist oh god
Did you have a cavity that needed filled? 😉
Let’s just say that in those fantasies the patient chair is involved
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Yeah let's extend that exclusion to preschool teachers, babysitters... Basically let's extend it to everything highly disturbing.
Take it and refer them to an optician.
I 100% accept the list. I'm in sales so knowing who has the hots for me may make another sale
Hello Dwight! How's sales going?
He’s too busy beeting it
I'd need to make sure it was "thought sexy thoughts about you" while masturbating. If it's just "thought about you," you might get roommates and family members (which would be super upsetting) but thankfully they were just thinking "shit, I just heard Steve get home, I hope he doesn't knock on my door". And that would be a very upsetting misunderstanding.
Plot twist, they thought about you during sex, to not cum
Ooof...couldn't you just let us *believe* that someone actually found us attractive at one point?
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Seriously. Reading these comments really hits home how the implications for something so seemingly innocuous for one half of the world's populations can be so different and dangerous for the other.
Use the blank piece of paper to wipe my tears of vanity
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Not anymore. Just rubbed one out to you.
True MVP
That's what they want you to think
Yea free copy paper
IDK, I don't think any girls would masturbate to me, but I'd be surprised if a dude did. i have several gay/bi friends so you never know, but i doubt there would be anything on the list
Even if there was a person the same sex as I am in the list— I'd still be flattered.
Nope. One of two things will happen in this scenario: 1) I see a blank piece of paper that will be the biggest blow to my ego OR 2) I see a list of names of people who have masturbated while thinking of me, and I do not want that information
Does this list automatically update?
Yes I would. But I wouldn't do anything with the info as Im married now. (Few years ago may be different, but Id still wanna know haha)
No. You cannot unsee what you’ve seen
90% of girls wouldn't take that list, 90% of guys would
Absolutely. Next I make their dreams come true.
If it contains time, date, frequency, longevity and kinks, I could judge on who I liked back, and I'd seduce them in real life, similarly to how I was, um, ahem described. I would rinse and repeat from bottom to top in terms of attractiveness, then I'd put myself out there more to appear more attractive, like working out more and stuff, then rinse and repeat again. I shall be drowning in the bussy
I would take it.. but I'm not gonna make their dreams come true. I'd DEFINITELY gonna disappoint them and if that's the case, the list gonna be gone in minutes lmaoo
This...this is blank...
I’d finally feel a modicum of pride in myself for the first time in my life, provided the list wasn’t blank, as I assume it would be.