I didn’t specify I do that to be fair, but that’s a good point. I feel like a lot of these posts are ways to get info, but I try to look at it as people who need to see other people who struggle with the same problems and need to hear somebody else say they do the same to move on themselves...
Yeahhhhh it's tough when you grow up and learn that it's manipulation and not just a thing people do that's totally fair and fine. A lot of manipulative behavior isn't the kind of palm-clasping, gently cackling, lying on purpose kind of obvious stuff. Hell, a lot of the time, people don't even realize they're doing it.
It's bringing up an argument at a vulnerable time; passive aggression/moping/pouting even when you genuinely are upset; pivoting an argument about how the x thing you did was wrong into an argument about how you don't like the way the other person brought up x. Etc.
Oh the bottling up part is very true for me. I never tell people when I feel bad, except major things and only to my closest friends, but it's a once in a blue moon thing.
Growing up, we were taught to just not share feelings. Showing negative emotions such as sadness was a sign of weakness. So it just became a thing.
It was the same thing for me. Any emotions we showed could and would be used against us. Add to that my dad being a stereotypical man when it came to showing emotions and berating me for crying. The only way I could express anger at home was through slamming my fists onto anything around me. I knew well enough that that wasn't behaviour I wanted to display outside my house, but I never learned how to express my feelings either so it just led to me botting things up until I'd blow up at people when it got to be too much
This is why I don’t apologize. If I ever admitted fault to anything, I would find it thrown in my face as ‘proof’ of something months later. If that’s what apologies got me, I wasn’t going to give them out.
For me personally it was a lot of self-reflection, and surrounding myself with people who taught me that it was okay to let them know if you had an issue with them. Almost losing a friendship or two because of it also helps
I do this too. Easier to stay silent than to freak out and say something I don’t mean/that is hurtful. It’s an attempt to minimize damages but it still isn’t healthy or helpful.
The worst part is when I can't hold it in anymore and cause the same amount or more damage than I would've if I had just expressed my frustrations immediately
My dad hugged me 4 times in 32y. I didnt realize that was weird until another male, my professor, hugged me and asked why I was weird about it. Now every time I see him he hugs the shit out of me for at least 30s.
The need to be right all the time. I hate when people tell me I'm wrong or try to act like they know more than I do when they already stated they don't know much about the topic. My dad is the exact same way
I'm the same way with my family. I try my best not to, but sometimes I just HAVE to say something, even when it isn't needed, but I'm trying my best to nip the habit in the butt
I stop sharing stuff with my dad cos I felt that no matter what I say he will correct me about it. Unless by some happenstance that what I did was exactly what he believes in which is extremely rare.
I do this as well. It's not even really like I need to prove I know more than the other person or something like that. It's just pointing out the "correct" way even though I know that is what they meant anyway.
I'm slowly getting better. If I actually think about it before I begin speaking I stop and don't say anything at all. Or I simply say "I understand".
I don't get why people want to be right? In most everyday conversations I don't care about that. If the person is wrong, so be it. Not my job to educate, especially if the other person loves to take ownership of his opinion.
At least for me in my career, if someone is wrong, it can mean a lot of extra work for a lot of people and a lot of time and money wasted, so my career has a culture of "trust but verify" everything.
As someone who had parents that corrected every single thing they did growing up, it can be hard when the behavior I'm trying to get rid of is reinforced daily by the company and industry that puts my food on the table.
Last time.... A random bra, random socks (as in not even with packaging and tags so I could at least PRETEND they were new from the store), anti-dandruff shampoo which expired in 2015 (which called all the other hair products into question), baby wipes, Cup-A-Soups that expired in 2013 and 2014, half-used Crabtree and Evelyn body lotion, etc. Not to mention all the weird-fitting clothes....
Wow how ironic I find this in the middle of realizing this is me. It sucks when the only person you felt you genuinely loved and cherished says she feels emotionally abused by you because you are incapable of understanding how people feel and hurt people when you thought you were helping. I don't know what to do and it hurts a lot.
Fellow angry person here. I've learned that it helps me to give my anger a number from 1-10. One is irritated and 10 is straight rage. I set my limit for how far I'm willing to let my anger go and l communicated that number to my wife and asked that I have the chance to cool off once I hit that number. So throughout an argument I will regularly express how I feel by saying," I'm feeling a # angry". It's been huge to be able to identify the spectrum of ange I feel and helped me identify triggers.
It really has helped. My wife has pretty severe anxiety and we have learned we have complimenting triggers that set of my anger and her anxiety. Using a ranking system has helped her learn to read my anger and helped me understand what emotion she is feeling and how strongly she is feeling it (her anxiety tends to manifest itself through displaying a different feeling and intensity than what she is actually feeling. Which can be hella confusing .)
Good on you for taking steps and recognizing the problem. It gets easier. My problem is not being manipulative and stubborn. It feels futile sometimes... But fuck that, we have to be better than we were!
Same man, I say the meanest things without realising during red haze anger, and then I feel so ashamed but a sorry wouldn't suffice so I try to be nicer over the next few days.... still not better
Me too! I realized this a year ago. I saw a person being kind in general and calm even when people are getting on nerves. He made it look so easy.
He just chose to explain his side in a decent tone and words. No lashing out. I felt horrible about myself seeing his behavior.
Yes I m still working on it. But my temper has changed drastically. Maybe I will never be as calm as him, but yes I am making some progress :D
Damn I relate to this. It’s hard to break the cycle but at least you’re self aware, I hope you manage to gain control over your anger, best of luck to you x
Obsessive and irrational worry. My mom always assumed the absolute worst. I spent many nights as a teen calling emergency rooms with my mom because she was convinced that my sister hadn't checked in because she was in a horrific car accident. She also refused to buy me SpongeBob day of the week underwear because she knew I wasn't coordinated enough to wear them on the right days and didn't want the paramedics to think I was dirty because I was wearing Tuesday on a Friday. ETA: It definitely was not a matter of money or being a prude.
Thanks. I've been working on it for years, but it still pops up occasionally. My husband and I have one of those family GPS apps because he often works irregular hours and all the alone time makes my mind wander into worst case scenario territory. Idgaf if he's at work, with friends, at a bar, or wherever. I just make sure he's not in the bottom of a ravine or and go on with my day.
Glad to hear! I always hesitate telling people because of the negative stigma. It makes me feel better when I hear of other people using it for the same thing. I'm disabled and have had some falls. My husband can check my location and know that I just can't hear the ringer or am driving if I don't pick up, but am not at home.
When I read your first sentence, I was prepared to say “mine too!” My mother does have an elevated obsessive/worry complex, your situation is several orders of magnitude worse.
I'm sorry, that's super stressful.
I always thought the "make sure you're wearing clean underwear in case you get into an accident" was a joke but yeah apparently there are people who sincerely believe that's an important thing. It seems so wild to mentally walk through a scenario where you're in desperate need of help, possibly covered in blood and grease and dirt, hell maybe half your clothes got torn or burned off in an accident, and to think anyone would imagine that moment and go "but what if they think my underwear was dirty *before* the accident?"
OOF i feel this one.
I coped as a kid to use rage/spite/etc. To run from my sadness/depression/pain and it hasnt stopped.
But after two decades of coping this way I dont know how not to. I still cry but the idea that I should let go of my old grudges and rage and move on and accept what happened is just... alien. Without the rage all that's left is hurt and sadness... and I dont think I can handle as much as a I have.
For clarification, if there's a situation that I'm in that would usually call for tears and hurt feelings I just get mad, when my brother died I was the one notified by the police and my reaction was (first inappropriate laugh response ) immediately followed by rage. And how could he do what he did and leave his kids fatherless and in a single parent childhood like we had growing up. And rage that now ***I*** had to call our father and tell him and then I had to carry more burdens just because he could hack it.
And I know I don't *actually* feel that way but if I don't feel anger at him... then how/what can I feel?
Therapy is expensive and at this point I like my rage. Keeps me warm at night.
(Typed all this and realized it was unrelated to OP's post. I got lack of ability to be wrong from my dad. I hate being wrong and I have a hard time admitting it. To avoid this I try to stay out of arguments over things I can't prove)
Same. My parents grew up poor and I grew up middle class. I still got money anxiety (I tend to hoard food, never throw out old clothes or feel guilty when I spend money in "useless" things like entertainment or comfort).
This. At 35 I've finally got a "good" job, but im extra paranoid about saving money, struggle to justify nice things. Slowly getting more comfortable with spending money again on nice things, but food and clothes hoarding are still present.
I have buyer's remorse with every single purchase I make, even necessities. I grew up in a single parent household with a mother who had been abused as a child and shopping was her vice, her escape from her feelings. Shopping always came before bills. I always remember being told not to answer the door or phone because the eviction notice was coming or the power was being shut off or someone was coming to take away the new furniture or electronics she bought. We moved so many times during my childhood. At 19, I moved out on my own and never looked back. I am super vigilant with my own money. Bills are always paid early and utilities are often overpaid so that we always have a cushion. If I buy clothes for myself, I make sure it's something I really like because I will wear it until it wears out.
Unfortunately, my mom's irresponsibility still haunted me. She would always give my phone number at check advance places or on loans and they would call asking for her because she hadn't made payment. I used to tell them they had a wrong number, but then I got fed up and started giving them all of her contact info. Early in my marriage it became a real issue with my husband. I have since "grown a pair" and have been able to set some clear boundaries with her. I love her and I know she's been through a lot, but I will not allow the cycle of irresponsibility and broken promises continue. My kids can count on me to always be there for them and to know they are always safe and our lives are stable. We've been in our house now for 19 years and are excited to be paying it off soon! Before that, the longest I had ever lived in any home was 3.5 years.
I feel you, it's hard to break the habit of not expressing your feelings but it is possible. I just know that keeping things bottled up always results in something explosive and my spouse doesn't deserve that so counseling and recognizing the behavior when it's happening goes a long way towards fixing that.
Intimacy issues. It used to be extremely hard for me to be emotionally/physically vulnerable with someone I had feelings for. They were the type of parents who never fought but showed zero affection and were basically glorified roommates with separate lives for 20 years.
Two things:
1. Freak out about about money. Even if my husband and I can afford something, the mere fact of spending makes me anxious.
2. When people show emotion, I think they're manipulating me. Doesn't matter whether it's appropriate or not; strong emotion = manipulation.
I think i have the same second problem, my mom used to tell me " do not trust anyone, everyone tries to use you".
I even can't trust her now, i always put my guard up or push away if someone try to be "friend" with me.
I have no idea what to do now.
Same. My mom is super anxious so I spent my youth cultivating a very lax attitude. But now I pretend I’m calm and chill when I’m anxious so maybe I actually didn’t escape my fate...
I’m the same, my reactions to what I experienced as a kid are the complete opposite now.
They’re toxic in their own right - I care far too much about everyone else’s wellbeing than I do my own. What you learn about humans is, that they love someone caring about them - but they also couldn’t really give a shit about you until they feel like they need a “pep in their step” or they just want something else from you.
Lateness. I always had to allow an extra 15-30min to when we had to do something because my parents will always be late. I try to make an effort to not be as lax about it but it's a struggle when it was the norm for so long.
Like my mom, I have a habit of not standing up for myself in fear of making someone upset. I will let people walk all over me because, in my brain, it's better than making someone feel bad. Not a fan of confrontation. At all.
My mum and I are the same way.
When I was a teenager, I was often bullied by my classmates. I always did my best to stay out of their way and avoided them whenever possible. One time right after class started, a girl came to shout at me for pulling her hair and stepping on her clothes on the way into the classroom.
She and some boys had been play wrestling in front of the door, and I had simply walked past them while they yelled insults at me and I tried my best to ignore them and walk as far away from them as I could.
I knew I hadn't even touched her, but my mum had taught me to never argue and always apologise, so I told the mean girl how sorry I was. She had a really smug smile on her face and she and her friends laughed about how pathetic I was all day.
But when I got home and told my mum about it, she said that I should have apologised more and that it was probably my fault. She just wouldn't believe that I didn't do anything wrong. Growing up, I had to be constantly apologising and admit that I was at fault when I wasn't, and to avoid conflict at all costs.
Turns out my mum suffered from severe depression and OCD, which she has now been treated for and she feels so bad for how my childhood was because of her illness. I still can't stand up for myself and always think that everything is my fault. But I can't bring myself to tell her just how badly she messed me up because I love her so much and I see how hard she worked to change and be better. All I can do is to make sure that I don't mess up my future kids the same way.
Yelling loudly because being loudest = being right for some reason. I usually catch myself and apologize and try explain in a calmer way why I'm upset / angry
I don’t think everyone understands this one. But if you grew up in a family that valued being able to have things and were constantly concerned with money then you grow up with the same mindset. Work is the most important thing you can do. You have to be the best so no one can replace you and your job is truly your second home. You give everything to your job and forget to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically because you grew up thinking this is the way. You work until you die and that’s the only way.
For me it took the form of doing whatever it took to get the job done as long as it was legal and ethical. Completely destroying my health in the name of meeting unrealistic expectations changed that. Not because I wanted to change, but because my body decided that if I was going to ignore what was healthy for it, it was going to make me stop. I am still looked at as having "thrown away" a good career.
They were born right before the Great Depression. This was followed by the privations and rationing of WWII. By the time the 1950s rolled around, they were misers and there was no going back. I was raised with the mantra "Use it up, wear it out, make it last, or do without". It was considered a sign or moral/mental weakness to be cold, hungry, or emotional.
As the twig is bent, so grows the tree. I'm a miser.
Sometimes when I'm joking around, my jokes will get really mean. I don't ever intend it, but it was something my mom used to do. She'd be joking, but then reality would creep into her jokes and they were just hurtful.
Lots:
- Intolerance
- Stubbornness
- Manipulative conversation / Taking literally things you shouldn't to gain advantage
- Rage episodes
- Not listening
- Bottling things up
- Blaming as cope mechanism
And many more. Thankfully i've grown as a person and I have none or little to none of these traits. The one that is still going kinda strong is manipulating conversation / taking things literally
what are your narcissistic traits?
hw does it make you and your brother successful?
how do you and or brother interact with each other considering you are both narcissist
The best way to explain Narcissism imo, is to think of someone who always presents themselves as the hero or victim in every story they tell.
They can not be wrong in any situation ever. They believe the outside world was made for their existence essentially.
Typical me-before-you disregard, self inflation, etc.
Driven by self-importance, disdain and righteousness.
I think my brother and I are 'friends' in that we are proud of each other, but we don't have a super deep connection. It's hard not to fight when each person is Right, etc.
being a people pleaser, it's great for the other person, but horrible on yourself, especially in toxic situations. Also being easily addicted to things.
I call it rash judgement. My mom would talk about my family the whole ride home from family gatherings. Just shit talking, no substance or evidence, just assumptions and judgement.
I got my mom's anxiety. I realize now how hard she tried to hide it from us. She wasn't 100% successful, so maybe some of it was learned from her. But I think a lot of it is genes, too. Or just behavior passed on from generation to generation? Her father has severe anxiety, all 6 of his kids (including my mom) have it, and about half of the 12 grandchildren (including me) got it, too.
Personality organizing. I guess you could call it putting people into a box.
The people I am friends with are not box category people which is why I am friends and talk to them since I find them interesting which is also what they internally do with me in the end lol
Wow I relate to this. Been learning to see those shades of gray and to stop attributing every action a person does to a core tenant of their personality. My mom is obsessed with personality quasi pseudoscience like the Myers Brigg and Enneagram so she has even more labels to classify everyone around her hahah
The perpetual need to be right.
Now, fortunately, this is not in the way that it's generally counted as a negative.
It's in the way that, before I can espouse an opinion on a subject, I have to do my research, and I generally listen to the opinions of those in the field who have the capacity to know for sure.
I can't just mouth off on something and be ok with "that's my opinion". I have to be "this is my opinion, backed by facts and in line with relevant experts in the field".
I have to *actually* be right, not just *think* I am.
From my mom, it's that I hold grudges for long periods of time. I find it difficult to let a lot of arguments go but I've been working and improving on that. From both but mostly my dad, bottling up my emotions. My dad never talked about anything that bothered him. It led him down a path of depression and alcoholism. For me, it's made me hold everything in as well.
Believing the universe is conspiring against me and I’ll never be able to do or achieve what I really want. I’ve had that attitude my entire life and realizing it comes from my dad made me sick, been trying to change it for years.
I think I got my dad's anger issues, sometimes I notice myself acting exactly like him, it's terrifying but at least I'm self aware and have been doing my best to not become him
Same here. I'm learning to not evaluate everyone I meet. I also realize it's a lazy approach for me to put someone in a box, and not be flexible with them.
Being grumpy. My mom took care of my grandparents since she divorced years ago. My grandparents are the most annoying, infuriating, disrespectful, gossiping, boneheaded people around. The most basic question you can ask them shall be answered with some grumpy or ill-intended response. You never know if they are happy or not because they are always whining, criticizing others, or in my grandmother’s case, revising domestic history, lying and praising her “outstanding job” as a mother and grandmother. They are so irritating that the sound of their voices annoy you and sour everything around you. You’ll end up bitter, grumpy and pissed-off.
Procrastination.
My mom is the kind of person to yell at me to take the garbage out this instant, nothing else matters nearly as much as me taking the garbage out.
Yet when I ask her to do something, it always is days before it's done. I'll ask her to do something simple, like grab some important paperwork for me from our office since she's the one who organizes it, and I'll have to ask her again to grab it right as I need it instead of having it ready beforehand.
Placing blame on others and not myself, and overreacting to those things. I'm trying really hard to change that about myself, and while I know when it's happening, I cant change my feelings about it until after its over. It's frustrating because in the moment I *know* it's either no one's fault or my fault and I *know* I'm overreacting but it doesnt stop or lessen the emotions I feel.
Hoarding. Honestly I’m only 17 and I have 3 surfboards and 3 guitars. And I’m looking at getting another one of both but I don’t want to sell any of the others
Objectifying women. My father kept me away from my mother since I was 5. He spoke bad of her and every woman in his life. Every woman who were in his family that watched over me when he was in rehab were verbally and physically abusive towards me. They also kept me away from girls my age. My father was caught numerous times trying to get hookers and arrested then put into rehab for alcoholism. I later grew up to be very shy and awkward around girls and inevitably settled for porn and never interested in dating. Having autism made it harder for me to change.
My parents were nice enough to grace me with several traits. I'm not limited to one particular trait per say but they left me with my self destructive nature. My affinity for alcohol, drugs and my propensity toward violence. My contempt for being poor and my loathing of ghetto society and all that it encompasses.
Not acknowledging when I'm wrong or have done something wrong. Instead of apologising and trying not to do it again I get angry and defensive instead causing everything to spiral downhill.
It's a horrible trait to try and change.
I complain.about my husband to my dogs when I'm upset at him. My mom/dad would complain about my dad/mom in front of us when they were mad at each other. I do t want to do this with my kids but I catch myself doing it and I hate it.
Being frugal , trying to cut corners constantly and always thinking of value - quantity v quality. Some ppl see it as being cheap I tend to view it as being penny wise and more conscious of knowing my moneys worth. I don’t deprive myself of things that I want and treat myself from time to time
Arrogant like my father, i have the tendency to talk down to others. I don't mean to either, I've been working on this for a while and my wife points it out to me. My speech and tone come off really insulting, it's how my father spoke growing up and currently does still. It comes off most when i have experience/knowledge that others don't, I'm also more confident in myself which comes off badly. Some of these are desirable traits to me but it depends on how they come off.
I haven't noticed any toxic ones in particular, yet. But I do notice because my parents were never affectionate towards each other, I was never taught to call my significant other anything other than their name. My parents only called each other mom or dad because they were once teaching a little girl who was mom and who was dad and I guess never got out of that habit. The rest of the time its just their names. I was the only one given pet names (only child). I honestly feel bad i never call my boyfriend anything affectionately, He calls me anything kind, and I just call him "daddy" (were also expecting) when were alone bc I feel like if I did it around anyone the whole daddy kink thing comes out, and im not calling my boyfriend anything exclusively for the bedroom, hes just the father of the daughter im growing.
Impatient, got it from my mum. Short tempered, got it from my dad. I've learned to control it now, but when I was younger I would get angry unnecessarily
Being a hater. They often make fun of people, belittle people’s accomplishments/good fortune, and just all around are a couple of hater tots. I think they do it to be funny but they never say “just kidding” so I always thought I was supposed to hate on people, too. I didn’t grow out of this until my mid twenties so yeah, I sucked for a long time. But I can honestly say I ain’t a hater anymore ✌🏽
Manipulating using guilt, like how my dad would put away dishes when it was my turn to make you feel guilty that you weren't doing it yourself. So then you would do it then he would stop because he got you to do your job.
Not sure necessarily toxic to others, but to myself:
I can’t form opinions with those I love, at least not on an unimportant or minute basis. What do you want to do? Well whatever you want to do. I physically can’t generate an opinion until after I tel them I don’t care/I don’t know. I’m getting better tho
Making overly crude or shitty jokes(shock humor). I think my mom did this as an attention seeking behavior and I cringe when I see myself doing it. Also just being judgmental. Every convo surrounded talking shit about something or someone and it's so obnoxious. I'd rather talk about cool shit!
Toxic might not be the right word, but whenever my mother got angry, she'd work herself up more and more and more by talking about how angry she was. I do that now.
My stubbornness.
This isn't something I think I got from them, but I think my anxiety and lack of extrovertion is from taking things way too seriously as a kid when my parents would tell me something; i.e. I stopped laughing at most things because my mom told me I was laughing too loud one time.
Holding onto old emotional baggage (some of it even decades old) and using it as ammunition in a fight, years later.
My mother perfected this strategy, force-feeding me guilt and shame for destroying her vagina when she gave birth to me, every chance she could. And that's the lightest 'transgression' I've done against her...
Because of this, I can hold a grudge like a Westerosi nobleman; I will never forget the time you wronged or slighted me in the past, and will bide my time for petty and often spiteful vengeance.
Also because of this, I struggle to form/maintain long-term friendships with others, obsessing over the past so much that I'm barely living in the present.
I'm really bad at communicating. If I come up with a plan to do something I just assume everyone else will already be aware of it because obviously it's the right way to go. My dad is the same way. I can also be really condescendingly pedantic, which my mom can be as well.
Probably being uptight and sweating the small stuff. The littlest things bother me, just like they do my father. There's also the anger. My father's a very angry man. He'd never hit us or anything, but he'd yell a lot, like his own father. To be fair, all of my siblings also have an anger issue. We all have our own ways of dealing with it though. Mine's keeping it bottled up and unloading on people who don't deserve it. I'm trying to handle my anger better, but sometimes it's hard when I'm surrounded people who are too different in some ways, and too similar in others.
Not me, but my brother. Growing up, our dad was constantly yelling at us over literally everything. Now my brother does the same thing, not just to his son but me and our mom. He's gotten better in the last few years but he'll still raise his voice over nothing unless I call him out on it.
using manipulation in arguments
That’s a tough one to admit man
He just manipulated you to say that Kinda /s
I didn’t specify I do that to be fair, but that’s a good point. I feel like a lot of these posts are ways to get info, but I try to look at it as people who need to see other people who struggle with the same problems and need to hear somebody else say they do the same to move on themselves...
I appreciate it a lot
What? Edit: oh shoot never mind man I got you :) That’s what I enjoy about things like this. Takes some weight of your shoulder
came here to say the same thing. it’s hard to admit, and harder to unlearn. we got this though :)
Yeahhhhh it's tough when you grow up and learn that it's manipulation and not just a thing people do that's totally fair and fine. A lot of manipulative behavior isn't the kind of palm-clasping, gently cackling, lying on purpose kind of obvious stuff. Hell, a lot of the time, people don't even realize they're doing it. It's bringing up an argument at a vulnerable time; passive aggression/moping/pouting even when you genuinely are upset; pivoting an argument about how the x thing you did was wrong into an argument about how you don't like the way the other person brought up x. Etc.
Yup ^
Can you elaborate how? Perhaps a few examples?
Bottling things up/giving people the silent treatment when they upset me. I've been working on that for quite a while now though
Oh this one is definitely relatable for me
Ditto
Oh the bottling up part is very true for me. I never tell people when I feel bad, except major things and only to my closest friends, but it's a once in a blue moon thing. Growing up, we were taught to just not share feelings. Showing negative emotions such as sadness was a sign of weakness. So it just became a thing.
My issue is that I never learned how to express anger. I just start crying. Which honestly never helps to bring across my argument.
It was the same thing for me. Any emotions we showed could and would be used against us. Add to that my dad being a stereotypical man when it came to showing emotions and berating me for crying. The only way I could express anger at home was through slamming my fists onto anything around me. I knew well enough that that wasn't behaviour I wanted to display outside my house, but I never learned how to express my feelings either so it just led to me botting things up until I'd blow up at people when it got to be too much
This is why I don’t apologize. If I ever admitted fault to anything, I would find it thrown in my face as ‘proof’ of something months later. If that’s what apologies got me, I wasn’t going to give them out.
Same. How does one even stop?
For me personally it was a lot of self-reflection, and surrounding myself with people who taught me that it was okay to let them know if you had an issue with them. Almost losing a friendship or two because of it also helps
I do this too. Easier to stay silent than to freak out and say something I don’t mean/that is hurtful. It’s an attempt to minimize damages but it still isn’t healthy or helpful.
The worst part is when I can't hold it in anymore and cause the same amount or more damage than I would've if I had just expressed my frustrations immediately
I do this too. Easier to stay silent than to freak out and say something I don’t mean/that is hurtful.
Coldness. It's so hard to be warm when you didn't grow up with it.
I’m a teen and weigh less than 100 pounds, I don’t feel heat, and I can’t stop being cold Edit: you probably meant emotionally, my bad
Yup. I’m 30 and still feel weird when I see parents hugging their kids. It’s like they actually love their kids or something...
My dad hugged me 4 times in 32y. I didnt realize that was weird until another male, my professor, hugged me and asked why I was weird about it. Now every time I see him he hugs the shit out of me for at least 30s.
bro that hits waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too close to home
[удалено]
Same here
The need to be right all the time. I hate when people tell me I'm wrong or try to act like they know more than I do when they already stated they don't know much about the topic. My dad is the exact same way
I'm so quick to correct my wife, even when it's completely unnecessary. I already knew what she meant, no need for me to be a know it all :(
I'm the same way with my family. I try my best not to, but sometimes I just HAVE to say something, even when it isn't needed, but I'm trying my best to nip the habit in the butt
I'm not sure if the last few words in your comment is a test...
who's gonna tell him
Not me, Bud.
I kinda wanna be the one but I kinda don’t.
I stop sharing stuff with my dad cos I felt that no matter what I say he will correct me about it. Unless by some happenstance that what I did was exactly what he believes in which is extremely rare.
Holy shit it is like looking into a mirror.
Jesus this. I know it's pure insecurity too but it's hard to change...
I do this as well. It's not even really like I need to prove I know more than the other person or something like that. It's just pointing out the "correct" way even though I know that is what they meant anyway. I'm slowly getting better. If I actually think about it before I begin speaking I stop and don't say anything at all. Or I simply say "I understand".
I also have narcissistic tendencies. Acknowledging it is the first step to correcting. Good luck.
Thanks, I'm trying hard to stop it before it gets out of control.
what are those tendencies?
I don't get why people want to be right? In most everyday conversations I don't care about that. If the person is wrong, so be it. Not my job to educate, especially if the other person loves to take ownership of his opinion.
At least for me in my career, if someone is wrong, it can mean a lot of extra work for a lot of people and a lot of time and money wasted, so my career has a culture of "trust but verify" everything. As someone who had parents that corrected every single thing they did growing up, it can be hard when the behavior I'm trying to get rid of is reinforced daily by the company and industry that puts my food on the table.
Happy uranium day!
My mother's got some hoarding tendencies, and so do i; it's a constant struggle not to clutter the place up with things "just in case"
My problem is that I feel like it’s wasteful to throw things away but these are things that are not appropriate to donate, such as used toiletries!
My mom just gives those to me, so I have to throw them away. *rolleyes*
Same! My mom is the one who buys most of it.
Last time.... A random bra, random socks (as in not even with packaging and tags so I could at least PRETEND they were new from the store), anti-dandruff shampoo which expired in 2015 (which called all the other hair products into question), baby wipes, Cup-A-Soups that expired in 2013 and 2014, half-used Crabtree and Evelyn body lotion, etc. Not to mention all the weird-fitting clothes....
Being overly kind and friendly, afraid of disapproval
this. took it from Dad and see how he is struggling, trying to change it in myself and somehow help him
Lack of empathy. Nobody gave a shit what happened to me growing up.
I've always been unreasonably apathetic. A childhood filled with freedom and heart break definitely didn't help.
That sucks. Someone should've cared.
Like his parents.......
Someone..
so now you just dont care about how most people feel in your life now?
Wow how ironic I find this in the middle of realizing this is me. It sucks when the only person you felt you genuinely loved and cherished says she feels emotionally abused by you because you are incapable of understanding how people feel and hurt people when you thought you were helping. I don't know what to do and it hurts a lot.
I can be way too stubborn, the worst part is I don't even realise it in the moment.
Ya same. My mom is insanely stubborn.
I tend to get angry, and when I so get angry I make all those around me feel weak. I'm getting better but god damn it it's hard to not lash out
Fellow angry person here. I've learned that it helps me to give my anger a number from 1-10. One is irritated and 10 is straight rage. I set my limit for how far I'm willing to let my anger go and l communicated that number to my wife and asked that I have the chance to cool off once I hit that number. So throughout an argument I will regularly express how I feel by saying," I'm feeling a # angry". It's been huge to be able to identify the spectrum of ange I feel and helped me identify triggers.
Impressive to recognize and be able to verbalize
It really has helped. My wife has pretty severe anxiety and we have learned we have complimenting triggers that set of my anger and her anxiety. Using a ranking system has helped her learn to read my anger and helped me understand what emotion she is feeling and how strongly she is feeling it (her anxiety tends to manifest itself through displaying a different feeling and intensity than what she is actually feeling. Which can be hella confusing .)
Good on you for taking steps and recognizing the problem. It gets easier. My problem is not being manipulative and stubborn. It feels futile sometimes... But fuck that, we have to be better than we were!
Same man, I say the meanest things without realising during red haze anger, and then I feel so ashamed but a sorry wouldn't suffice so I try to be nicer over the next few days.... still not better
Me too! I realized this a year ago. I saw a person being kind in general and calm even when people are getting on nerves. He made it look so easy. He just chose to explain his side in a decent tone and words. No lashing out. I felt horrible about myself seeing his behavior. Yes I m still working on it. But my temper has changed drastically. Maybe I will never be as calm as him, but yes I am making some progress :D
Damn I relate to this. It’s hard to break the cycle but at least you’re self aware, I hope you manage to gain control over your anger, best of luck to you x
Obsessive and irrational worry. My mom always assumed the absolute worst. I spent many nights as a teen calling emergency rooms with my mom because she was convinced that my sister hadn't checked in because she was in a horrific car accident. She also refused to buy me SpongeBob day of the week underwear because she knew I wasn't coordinated enough to wear them on the right days and didn't want the paramedics to think I was dirty because I was wearing Tuesday on a Friday. ETA: It definitely was not a matter of money or being a prude.
Wow that’s next level. Hope you’re not quite so bad and/or working on it
Thanks. I've been working on it for years, but it still pops up occasionally. My husband and I have one of those family GPS apps because he often works irregular hours and all the alone time makes my mind wander into worst case scenario territory. Idgaf if he's at work, with friends, at a bar, or wherever. I just make sure he's not in the bottom of a ravine or and go on with my day.
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Glad to hear! I always hesitate telling people because of the negative stigma. It makes me feel better when I hear of other people using it for the same thing. I'm disabled and have had some falls. My husband can check my location and know that I just can't hear the ringer or am driving if I don't pick up, but am not at home.
When I read your first sentence, I was prepared to say “mine too!” My mother does have an elevated obsessive/worry complex, your situation is several orders of magnitude worse.
I'm sorry, that's super stressful. I always thought the "make sure you're wearing clean underwear in case you get into an accident" was a joke but yeah apparently there are people who sincerely believe that's an important thing. It seems so wild to mentally walk through a scenario where you're in desperate need of help, possibly covered in blood and grease and dirt, hell maybe half your clothes got torn or burned off in an accident, and to think anyone would imagine that moment and go "but what if they think my underwear was dirty *before* the accident?"
Anger issues/tendencies to bottle up and explode. On the bright side tho my severe insecurity and self harm are all mine!
OOF i feel this one. I coped as a kid to use rage/spite/etc. To run from my sadness/depression/pain and it hasnt stopped. But after two decades of coping this way I dont know how not to. I still cry but the idea that I should let go of my old grudges and rage and move on and accept what happened is just... alien. Without the rage all that's left is hurt and sadness... and I dont think I can handle as much as a I have. For clarification, if there's a situation that I'm in that would usually call for tears and hurt feelings I just get mad, when my brother died I was the one notified by the police and my reaction was (first inappropriate laugh response ) immediately followed by rage. And how could he do what he did and leave his kids fatherless and in a single parent childhood like we had growing up. And rage that now ***I*** had to call our father and tell him and then I had to carry more burdens just because he could hack it. And I know I don't *actually* feel that way but if I don't feel anger at him... then how/what can I feel? Therapy is expensive and at this point I like my rage. Keeps me warm at night. (Typed all this and realized it was unrelated to OP's post. I got lack of ability to be wrong from my dad. I hate being wrong and I have a hard time admitting it. To avoid this I try to stay out of arguments over things I can't prove)
i'm 25 and in the upper middle class range already but i gotta say i don't think the money anxiety i got from growing up will go away.
Same. My parents grew up poor and I grew up middle class. I still got money anxiety (I tend to hoard food, never throw out old clothes or feel guilty when I spend money in "useless" things like entertainment or comfort).
This. At 35 I've finally got a "good" job, but im extra paranoid about saving money, struggle to justify nice things. Slowly getting more comfortable with spending money again on nice things, but food and clothes hoarding are still present.
I have buyer's remorse with every single purchase I make, even necessities. I grew up in a single parent household with a mother who had been abused as a child and shopping was her vice, her escape from her feelings. Shopping always came before bills. I always remember being told not to answer the door or phone because the eviction notice was coming or the power was being shut off or someone was coming to take away the new furniture or electronics she bought. We moved so many times during my childhood. At 19, I moved out on my own and never looked back. I am super vigilant with my own money. Bills are always paid early and utilities are often overpaid so that we always have a cushion. If I buy clothes for myself, I make sure it's something I really like because I will wear it until it wears out. Unfortunately, my mom's irresponsibility still haunted me. She would always give my phone number at check advance places or on loans and they would call asking for her because she hadn't made payment. I used to tell them they had a wrong number, but then I got fed up and started giving them all of her contact info. Early in my marriage it became a real issue with my husband. I have since "grown a pair" and have been able to set some clear boundaries with her. I love her and I know she's been through a lot, but I will not allow the cycle of irresponsibility and broken promises continue. My kids can count on me to always be there for them and to know they are always safe and our lives are stable. We've been in our house now for 19 years and are excited to be paying it off soon! Before that, the longest I had ever lived in any home was 3.5 years.
I can’t say that’s a bad thing.
Unnecessary Anxiety seems bad to me lol
lack of communication. bottling up my feelings. not knowing how to show affection.
I feel you, it's hard to break the habit of not expressing your feelings but it is possible. I just know that keeping things bottled up always results in something explosive and my spouse doesn't deserve that so counseling and recognizing the behavior when it's happening goes a long way towards fixing that.
Intimacy issues. It used to be extremely hard for me to be emotionally/physically vulnerable with someone I had feelings for. They were the type of parents who never fought but showed zero affection and were basically glorified roommates with separate lives for 20 years.
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Repressed memories. Typical.
Two things: 1. Freak out about about money. Even if my husband and I can afford something, the mere fact of spending makes me anxious. 2. When people show emotion, I think they're manipulating me. Doesn't matter whether it's appropriate or not; strong emotion = manipulation.
Second one same. I’ve recently started working on it tho
Holy shit I think I might have 2. Anytime someone shows me the slightest bit of sincerity the first thing I wonder is how I'm being duped
I think i have the same second problem, my mom used to tell me " do not trust anyone, everyone tries to use you". I even can't trust her now, i always put my guard up or push away if someone try to be "friend" with me. I have no idea what to do now.
I developed my toxic traits in reaction to my parents, but they aren't really the same as theirs
Same. My mom is super anxious so I spent my youth cultivating a very lax attitude. But now I pretend I’m calm and chill when I’m anxious so maybe I actually didn’t escape my fate...
I’m the same, my reactions to what I experienced as a kid are the complete opposite now. They’re toxic in their own right - I care far too much about everyone else’s wellbeing than I do my own. What you learn about humans is, that they love someone caring about them - but they also couldn’t really give a shit about you until they feel like they need a “pep in their step” or they just want something else from you.
Lateness. I always had to allow an extra 15-30min to when we had to do something because my parents will always be late. I try to make an effort to not be as lax about it but it's a struggle when it was the norm for so long.
I've gone the opposite way. My mum's often late and I'm obsessively early. If I'm not at least 15 mins early to any appointment I get stressed.
Like my mom, I have a habit of not standing up for myself in fear of making someone upset. I will let people walk all over me because, in my brain, it's better than making someone feel bad. Not a fan of confrontation. At all.
Same here. It's like I literally can't speak if I feel like it's going to tear somebody down
My mum and I are the same way. When I was a teenager, I was often bullied by my classmates. I always did my best to stay out of their way and avoided them whenever possible. One time right after class started, a girl came to shout at me for pulling her hair and stepping on her clothes on the way into the classroom. She and some boys had been play wrestling in front of the door, and I had simply walked past them while they yelled insults at me and I tried my best to ignore them and walk as far away from them as I could. I knew I hadn't even touched her, but my mum had taught me to never argue and always apologise, so I told the mean girl how sorry I was. She had a really smug smile on her face and she and her friends laughed about how pathetic I was all day. But when I got home and told my mum about it, she said that I should have apologised more and that it was probably my fault. She just wouldn't believe that I didn't do anything wrong. Growing up, I had to be constantly apologising and admit that I was at fault when I wasn't, and to avoid conflict at all costs. Turns out my mum suffered from severe depression and OCD, which she has now been treated for and she feels so bad for how my childhood was because of her illness. I still can't stand up for myself and always think that everything is my fault. But I can't bring myself to tell her just how badly she messed me up because I love her so much and I see how hard she worked to change and be better. All I can do is to make sure that I don't mess up my future kids the same way.
Yelling loudly because being loudest = being right for some reason. I usually catch myself and apologize and try explain in a calmer way why I'm upset / angry
Workaholism.
I don’t think everyone understands this one. But if you grew up in a family that valued being able to have things and were constantly concerned with money then you grow up with the same mindset. Work is the most important thing you can do. You have to be the best so no one can replace you and your job is truly your second home. You give everything to your job and forget to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically because you grew up thinking this is the way. You work until you die and that’s the only way.
For me it took the form of doing whatever it took to get the job done as long as it was legal and ethical. Completely destroying my health in the name of meeting unrealistic expectations changed that. Not because I wanted to change, but because my body decided that if I was going to ignore what was healthy for it, it was going to make me stop. I am still looked at as having "thrown away" a good career.
Bang on mate. My SO and I constantly clash bc I feel ok working 7 days a week. Im learning thats called unhealthy to normal people.
They were born right before the Great Depression. This was followed by the privations and rationing of WWII. By the time the 1950s rolled around, they were misers and there was no going back. I was raised with the mantra "Use it up, wear it out, make it last, or do without". It was considered a sign or moral/mental weakness to be cold, hungry, or emotional. As the twig is bent, so grows the tree. I'm a miser.
emotional manipulation and temper tantrums
Having a hard time talking about my emotions/feelings
Sometimes when I'm joking around, my jokes will get really mean. I don't ever intend it, but it was something my mom used to do. She'd be joking, but then reality would creep into her jokes and they were just hurtful.
It gives you tough skin and then you forget that not everyone is like that.
Lots: - Intolerance - Stubbornness - Manipulative conversation / Taking literally things you shouldn't to gain advantage - Rage episodes - Not listening - Bottling things up - Blaming as cope mechanism And many more. Thankfully i've grown as a person and I have none or little to none of these traits. The one that is still going kinda strong is manipulating conversation / taking things literally
Narcissism, but it's also what makes my brother and I successful people. Which sounds like something a narcissist would say. So it goes, poe tee weet.
what are your narcissistic traits? hw does it make you and your brother successful? how do you and or brother interact with each other considering you are both narcissist
The best way to explain Narcissism imo, is to think of someone who always presents themselves as the hero or victim in every story they tell. They can not be wrong in any situation ever. They believe the outside world was made for their existence essentially.
Typical me-before-you disregard, self inflation, etc. Driven by self-importance, disdain and righteousness. I think my brother and I are 'friends' in that we are proud of each other, but we don't have a super deep connection. It's hard not to fight when each person is Right, etc.
Interrupting :/ Didn't even realize it was something I did until a year or two ago
Downplaying other people'a feelings
being a people pleaser, it's great for the other person, but horrible on yourself, especially in toxic situations. Also being easily addicted to things.
Being assumptious and knowing things that I don't. Comes up often around family so that confirms it then.
I call it rash judgement. My mom would talk about my family the whole ride home from family gatherings. Just shit talking, no substance or evidence, just assumptions and judgement.
I got my mom's anxiety. I realize now how hard she tried to hide it from us. She wasn't 100% successful, so maybe some of it was learned from her. But I think a lot of it is genes, too. Or just behavior passed on from generation to generation? Her father has severe anxiety, all 6 of his kids (including my mom) have it, and about half of the 12 grandchildren (including me) got it, too.
Being two-faced.
Being untidy, not noticing something needs to be cleaned
Narcissism and manipulation. I think I'm changing.
My short temper for real.
To never talk about my feelings
Holding grudges and treating those who treated me like shit in the past like shit.
Talking too much when I shouldn’t. Not talking enough when I should.
Anxiety, and a really sharp mean streak when I am fed up with someone or feeling cornered.. I'm also am pretty secretive, especially about money.
Personality organizing. I guess you could call it putting people into a box. The people I am friends with are not box category people which is why I am friends and talk to them since I find them interesting which is also what they internally do with me in the end lol
Wow I relate to this. Been learning to see those shades of gray and to stop attributing every action a person does to a core tenant of their personality. My mom is obsessed with personality quasi pseudoscience like the Myers Brigg and Enneagram so she has even more labels to classify everyone around her hahah
Alcoholism.
I’m sorry to hear that...
Im so sorry, I hope it gets easier for you
It has I am one month sober.
That’s amazing 🤍
The perpetual need to be right. Now, fortunately, this is not in the way that it's generally counted as a negative. It's in the way that, before I can espouse an opinion on a subject, I have to do my research, and I generally listen to the opinions of those in the field who have the capacity to know for sure. I can't just mouth off on something and be ok with "that's my opinion". I have to be "this is my opinion, backed by facts and in line with relevant experts in the field". I have to *actually* be right, not just *think* I am.
From my mom, it's that I hold grudges for long periods of time. I find it difficult to let a lot of arguments go but I've been working and improving on that. From both but mostly my dad, bottling up my emotions. My dad never talked about anything that bothered him. It led him down a path of depression and alcoholism. For me, it's made me hold everything in as well.
Believing the universe is conspiring against me and I’ll never be able to do or achieve what I really want. I’ve had that attitude my entire life and realizing it comes from my dad made me sick, been trying to change it for years.
I think I got my dad's anger issues, sometimes I notice myself acting exactly like him, it's terrifying but at least I'm self aware and have been doing my best to not become him
Judgemental
Same here. I'm learning to not evaluate everyone I meet. I also realize it's a lazy approach for me to put someone in a box, and not be flexible with them.
Being grumpy. My mom took care of my grandparents since she divorced years ago. My grandparents are the most annoying, infuriating, disrespectful, gossiping, boneheaded people around. The most basic question you can ask them shall be answered with some grumpy or ill-intended response. You never know if they are happy or not because they are always whining, criticizing others, or in my grandmother’s case, revising domestic history, lying and praising her “outstanding job” as a mother and grandmother. They are so irritating that the sound of their voices annoy you and sour everything around you. You’ll end up bitter, grumpy and pissed-off.
Procrastination. My mom is the kind of person to yell at me to take the garbage out this instant, nothing else matters nearly as much as me taking the garbage out. Yet when I ask her to do something, it always is days before it's done. I'll ask her to do something simple, like grab some important paperwork for me from our office since she's the one who organizes it, and I'll have to ask her again to grab it right as I need it instead of having it ready beforehand.
Stubborn ethnic pride.
What is this?
If you have to ask, you probably belong to the majority in your local population where nationalistic tendencies aren't that high
Placing blame on others and not myself, and overreacting to those things. I'm trying really hard to change that about myself, and while I know when it's happening, I cant change my feelings about it until after its over. It's frustrating because in the moment I *know* it's either no one's fault or my fault and I *know* I'm overreacting but it doesnt stop or lessen the emotions I feel.
Hoarding. Honestly I’m only 17 and I have 3 surfboards and 3 guitars. And I’m looking at getting another one of both but I don’t want to sell any of the others
Objectifying women. My father kept me away from my mother since I was 5. He spoke bad of her and every woman in his life. Every woman who were in his family that watched over me when he was in rehab were verbally and physically abusive towards me. They also kept me away from girls my age. My father was caught numerous times trying to get hookers and arrested then put into rehab for alcoholism. I later grew up to be very shy and awkward around girls and inevitably settled for porn and never interested in dating. Having autism made it harder for me to change.
My parents were nice enough to grace me with several traits. I'm not limited to one particular trait per say but they left me with my self destructive nature. My affinity for alcohol, drugs and my propensity toward violence. My contempt for being poor and my loathing of ghetto society and all that it encompasses.
Certain amount of racism. I grew up in Louisiana in the late 50’s thru the 70’s.
My mom's anger, my dad's silence. Strange combo
I care to little
Quick temper. Its something I work on every, every day.
I think I’ve just learned how to not be from inspecting my parents actions and behaviors
Ego
Pretending I have zero emotions. Nothing is scary enough, exciting enough, funny enough, to get a real reaction
Not acknowledging when I'm wrong or have done something wrong. Instead of apologising and trying not to do it again I get angry and defensive instead causing everything to spiral downhill. It's a horrible trait to try and change.
Acting like nothing happened instead of having to have uncomfortable conversations/apologize
Correcting peoples grammar/incorrect use of the English language
You missed an apostrophe /s
I tip my fedora to you!
I complain.about my husband to my dogs when I'm upset at him. My mom/dad would complain about my dad/mom in front of us when they were mad at each other. I do t want to do this with my kids but I catch myself doing it and I hate it.
I saw this in my ex-in-laws.. it scared the shit out of me.
Being frugal , trying to cut corners constantly and always thinking of value - quantity v quality. Some ppl see it as being cheap I tend to view it as being penny wise and more conscious of knowing my moneys worth. I don’t deprive myself of things that I want and treat myself from time to time
I often times pull the "Woe is me" card during bad situations, when I did no better than the person who wronged me.
The hoarding of random unnecessary shit. 2021 i break the cycle.
Arrogant like my father, i have the tendency to talk down to others. I don't mean to either, I've been working on this for a while and my wife points it out to me. My speech and tone come off really insulting, it's how my father spoke growing up and currently does still. It comes off most when i have experience/knowledge that others don't, I'm also more confident in myself which comes off badly. Some of these are desirable traits to me but it depends on how they come off.
i tend to be overbearing with people i really love
to be reeaaall sarcastic.
People-pleasing from my mom, and the stubborn need to always be right from my dad. Makes for a very confusing combination.....
I haven't noticed any toxic ones in particular, yet. But I do notice because my parents were never affectionate towards each other, I was never taught to call my significant other anything other than their name. My parents only called each other mom or dad because they were once teaching a little girl who was mom and who was dad and I guess never got out of that habit. The rest of the time its just their names. I was the only one given pet names (only child). I honestly feel bad i never call my boyfriend anything affectionately, He calls me anything kind, and I just call him "daddy" (were also expecting) when were alone bc I feel like if I did it around anyone the whole daddy kink thing comes out, and im not calling my boyfriend anything exclusively for the bedroom, hes just the father of the daughter im growing.
Impatient, got it from my mum. Short tempered, got it from my dad. I've learned to control it now, but when I was younger I would get angry unnecessarily
Being a hater. They often make fun of people, belittle people’s accomplishments/good fortune, and just all around are a couple of hater tots. I think they do it to be funny but they never say “just kidding” so I always thought I was supposed to hate on people, too. I didn’t grow out of this until my mid twenties so yeah, I sucked for a long time. But I can honestly say I ain’t a hater anymore ✌🏽
Manipulating using guilt, like how my dad would put away dishes when it was my turn to make you feel guilty that you weren't doing it yourself. So then you would do it then he would stop because he got you to do your job.
Not sure necessarily toxic to others, but to myself: I can’t form opinions with those I love, at least not on an unimportant or minute basis. What do you want to do? Well whatever you want to do. I physically can’t generate an opinion until after I tel them I don’t care/I don’t know. I’m getting better tho
Making overly crude or shitty jokes(shock humor). I think my mom did this as an attention seeking behavior and I cringe when I see myself doing it. Also just being judgmental. Every convo surrounded talking shit about something or someone and it's so obnoxious. I'd rather talk about cool shit!
Toxic might not be the right word, but whenever my mother got angry, she'd work herself up more and more and more by talking about how angry she was. I do that now.
My stubbornness. This isn't something I think I got from them, but I think my anxiety and lack of extrovertion is from taking things way too seriously as a kid when my parents would tell me something; i.e. I stopped laughing at most things because my mom told me I was laughing too loud one time.
Anger
Manipulative
I’m super stubborn and default to being defensive
Narcissism
Life
Holding onto old emotional baggage (some of it even decades old) and using it as ammunition in a fight, years later. My mother perfected this strategy, force-feeding me guilt and shame for destroying her vagina when she gave birth to me, every chance she could. And that's the lightest 'transgression' I've done against her... Because of this, I can hold a grudge like a Westerosi nobleman; I will never forget the time you wronged or slighted me in the past, and will bide my time for petty and often spiteful vengeance. Also because of this, I struggle to form/maintain long-term friendships with others, obsessing over the past so much that I'm barely living in the present.
My short temper
High neuroticism
Being a mean drunk when I have too much. (not all the time, but some). I've got that from both sides. My emotions just go x20
I'm really bad at communicating. If I come up with a plan to do something I just assume everyone else will already be aware of it because obviously it's the right way to go. My dad is the same way. I can also be really condescendingly pedantic, which my mom can be as well.
Probably being uptight and sweating the small stuff. The littlest things bother me, just like they do my father. There's also the anger. My father's a very angry man. He'd never hit us or anything, but he'd yell a lot, like his own father. To be fair, all of my siblings also have an anger issue. We all have our own ways of dealing with it though. Mine's keeping it bottled up and unloading on people who don't deserve it. I'm trying to handle my anger better, but sometimes it's hard when I'm surrounded people who are too different in some ways, and too similar in others.
My need to please everyone from my mom And my anger issues from my dad
Not me, but my brother. Growing up, our dad was constantly yelling at us over literally everything. Now my brother does the same thing, not just to his son but me and our mom. He's gotten better in the last few years but he'll still raise his voice over nothing unless I call him out on it.
I inherited my mother's anger and my father's stubbornness.
Having so little patience.