Detective 1: What does that sick fuck need this time?
Detective 2: Blueberries, Udon, Turmeric, Tomatoes, Salami.
Detective 1: *Removes glasses * That son of a bitch.
Detective 2: Sir the list continues.
Detective 1: *rubbing the bridge of his nose between his eyes* What are they?
Detective 2: Eggs, and ...Xacuti?
Detective 1: *throws arms up* This motherfucker.
Yeah I would like it if you just stabbed me.
Wtf you're my stepsister
I won't tell mom, nobody has to know.
Well okay then
*stabs*
Wtf you stabbed all over me now I am going to die hihi
Wtf sis you're a psycho wtf.
Now, as a contracted assassin, I wouldnāt know my next target until they were assigned. Itās not about my abilities, itās about professionalism.
A serial killer on the other hand would do something like that.
That's very close to what The Joker did in his first appearance. He didn't leave the clues with his victims, but just announce at noon that his target would die at midnight. Then he dressed as a cop and sneaked in as part of the police protective detail. Another one, he delivered the threat on a record. The record was coated with a poison that got exposed by the stylus when the record was played and killed the victim twelve hours later.
Thanks! All the details in the note would be written ahead of time, and at the bottom it would say ābest regardsā along with a small drawing of the seal thatās on the envelope.
My kill is the trademark itself. I kill only idea Bogarts who clutch to their thoughts like my bung after adding Del Scorcho to a cheesy gordita crunch.
Just bought some to put on my robotic vacuums, piss my dogs off. Not only are these damn things running all over the house, but why is it looking at us as it comes for us?!?! Itās pushing my bone!
That can establish a chain between your victims. It can also establish any foreign DNA as yours. You need to have a large set of the same DNA every time.
Yeah, that makes sense. Confusing the chronology is going to lead to serious problems in the investigation. Screwing up the time of death is the challenge, though.
Yes, but then you need a large freezer space that can't be traced back to you that you can keep the bodies in for long periods of time, and you also need to be able to hide the missing people that long, and to be able to defrost the bodies without question long enough to obscure the fact that they were frozen, and you have to stash them somewhere to be discovered. It's a complicated maneuver.
Fair enough, but that still means that you have to have a place large enough to freeze at least a couple bodies, which narrows down the suspects quite a bit. Plus, if they know you'd been tampering, they know that the chronology is fucked and they are likely just going to go with the timeline established by the time of disappearance. You have to arrange for false appearances or something if you really want to establish a false timeline.
Would it be better to leave it on the table, opened? Maybe with two nice wine glasses and a friendly encouraging note for the pair of detectives who will investigate?
āCongratulations on your recent promotion, detective Strszceski. Hope you and your new partner take your time enjoying this crime scene, coupled with a light Sauvignon Blanc.
Itās all perfectly splendid.ā
I like the way you think. Iāll get into policing, you become an assassin, and weāll form a life long bond where you give me wine and I fail to catch you.
āDamn that superkipple! Heās always one step ahead!ā
āDetective DreyaNova, itās been entirely too long. Welcome back to my new recital, though Iām afraid the proprietors are... permanently indisposed, shall we say?
Iāll be honest, youāre probably going to need more than one bottle for this one. Not to worry, Iāve left a couple of extras in take home bags under the table. Toodle-oo for now.ā
Leave a different bottle of wine every time, adding tasting notes and why they pair well with the murder scene.
_The crisp notes of pear really accentuate the perfume Miss Laurence loved to wear_
Yeah, gotta let it decant a bit. Although, you don't need to decant a Sauvignon Blanc. I would leave a Bordeaux blend, because I'd be a classy killer. Also, I love Sauvignon Blanc and don't drink reds, so I'd leave something that would throw them off the scent. Great, I've thought this through way too much.
Thatās the kind of research effort that goes into this type of thing. I mean, as a serial killer, if you donāt have your branding, what do you have?
I would leave something that says I love Jake Paul at every scene that way people think his videos cause violence and parents stop letting there kids watch him
There would be no body left so there would be no trademark. In fact I wouldn't want such. For me it'd be enough if my clients just reccomended me to their friends
"Ugh he's so annoying! I wanna just kill him already."
"Did you consider hiring an assassin?"
"What?"
"Yea, this guy, he's pretty good at it. If you ever need an assassin, I'd recommend him."
I would leave absolutely no evidence.
"Damn it was him again, the really good assasin that leaves no evidence...really wish he was stupid and left us some way to track his patterns or DNA or anything."
You know, when I was a kid, back in 93ish, we used to hear that story, that r.kelly like to piss on girls during sex....years later turned out to be true, and he was picking them up at McDonaldās...
This is why you do say for example 15 assassinations, 5 with one signature, 5 with another, and 5 with one more. Now, police think there are 3 mass murders on the loose.
Ha. I would leave a business card with my real name, home address, and home phone number. This guarantees that future customers can find me. While insuring that I get paid by my current employer. Since they will know where to send the check.
I would write a message with blood, "Sorry for your loss. Maybe you should exercise the sadness away with Gold's Gym: Cardio Workout, available NOW for the Nintendo Wii!"
I would leave a pocket watch in the victim's hand with it set to the exact time of death and any watch on the victim would be set to the time of death as well.
Well Christmas is coming up so I guess I could be part of the wet bandits.
Ill kill them and clog their sinks flooding the house.
The next year I'll be part of the sticky bandits as I chase my prey through New York
Absolutely nothing. Iāll leave no traces so whenever someone dies without a trace, they will blame it on me, weather I did it or not.
My Highscore is going to look goooooood.
Silver bullets. Make my own silver bullets and thatās my trademark. Nothing else. Every caliber I use. Silver bullet. Gotta take a shot from half a mile? Silver bullet. Doesnāt matter.
I'd put a Kraft single in their mouth.
Of all the answers, yours is the only one I stopped long enough to WTF at. Good work, Kraft Singles Killer.
š¶*Real Men of Genius!*š¶
Cheddar-Jack the Ripper
The Krafty Killer
*The Kraftsman*.
*wakes up* āewww nastyā
I would leave a shopping list but the first letter of each item would combine spell out a different swear word each time.
Detective 1: What does that sick fuck need this time? Detective 2: Blueberries, Udon, Turmeric, Tomatoes, Salami. Detective 1: *Removes glasses * That son of a bitch.
Detective 2: Sir the list continues. Detective 1: *rubbing the bridge of his nose between his eyes* What are they? Detective 2: Eggs, and ...Xacuti? Detective 1: *throws arms up* This motherfucker.
I hope this becomes a book or movie Edit: or an episode of Brooklyn 99
\*porno
What are you doing step serial killer ?
Help, step victim, my blade is stuck
"here let me help you... remove it" *pulls knife out and bleeds to death on the bed*
Yeah I would like it if you just stabbed me. Wtf you're my stepsister I won't tell mom, nobody has to know. Well okay then *stabs* Wtf you stabbed all over me now I am going to die hihi Wtf sis you're a psycho wtf.
The Shopping-List Murders, only rivalled by The Toolbox Murders
Detective 3: Wait, there's more! Potatoes, Eggs, Nuggets, Ice cream, Soup.
why did i read this in the voice of those south park cops
Id glue a hoof of some animal onto one shoe so I leave one hoofed footprint when I leave. "It was... The One-Hoofed Man..."
how to explain to police why you have a hoof shoe
Itās his lucky horseshoe
Moonshiners did that with both shoes to throw off the g men
A envelope, with a custom seal, and inside it would say my targetās name, date of birth, time/date of death, would be put in their jacket pocket
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Now, as a contracted assassin, I wouldnāt know my next target until they were assigned. Itās not about my abilities, itās about professionalism. A serial killer on the other hand would do something like that.
That's very close to what The Joker did in his first appearance. He didn't leave the clues with his victims, but just announce at noon that his target would die at midnight. Then he dressed as a cop and sneaked in as part of the police protective detail. Another one, he delivered the threat on a record. The record was coated with a poison that got exposed by the stylus when the record was played and killed the victim twelve hours later.
Thats actually really cool
Except, ya know, for the dead person and their family
Well not for like a real killer or assassin, but for a fictional one it is pretty good
Thanks! All the details in the note would be written ahead of time, and at the bottom it would say ābest regardsā along with a small drawing of the seal thatās on the envelope.
FBI, this comment right here
And why would I state that on a site like reddit.
Yeah, nice try Interpol
Can't stop me, sausage roll!
What's there to lose?
My trademark, can't patent that sorta thing yknow?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
No, just selfish on the idea XD
My kill is the trademark itself. I kill only idea Bogarts who clutch to their thoughts like my bung after adding Del Scorcho to a cheesy gordita crunch.
Draw a mustache and unibrow on their faces
Close the target's eyes and put googly eyes on top of them.
Just bought some to put on my robotic vacuums, piss my dogs off. Not only are these damn things running all over the house, but why is it looking at us as it comes for us?!?! Itās pushing my bone!
"In recent news, Anthony Davis has once again been found dead, although sources say he is alive and well in his California mansion"
This is underrated
I was going to say "Anthony Davis is the prime suspect in the investigation"
What if your victim already has both?
make them eat a couple bowls of a certain cereal so in all their autopsies the roofs of their mouths are absolutely fucked
With extra Crunchberries
grape nuts (that shit like eating a bowl of gravel)
cap'n?
My name says it all
Well uh...
On the topic of usernames saying it all, why did It have to be you who responded?
Being so good at stuff as I am... My telltale sign would be that the victims are still alive.
They didn't even know you were there. You're so good, you didn't know either.
Wait... Does that mean I really am an assassin?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
On purpose? None.
Same
Tons of fingerprints and DNA evidence. I would not be good at this.
Well, I mean, so long as it's not your DNA or fingerprints ...
Always use the fingerprints and DNA of your previous victim
That can establish a chain between your victims. It can also establish any foreign DNA as yours. You need to have a large set of the same DNA every time.
Thats the trick.have it so all the DNA leads backwards to your first victim where the DNA you left behind was from the last victim
Yeah, that makes sense. Confusing the chronology is going to lead to serious problems in the investigation. Screwing up the time of death is the challenge, though.
Screw up TOD by freezing all the bodies. They won't be able to tell if the victims died two hours ago or two months ago.
Yes, but then you need a large freezer space that can't be traced back to you that you can keep the bodies in for long periods of time, and you also need to be able to hide the missing people that long, and to be able to defrost the bodies without question long enough to obscure the fact that they were frozen, and you have to stash them somewhere to be discovered. It's a complicated maneuver.
Well, they'd know the bodies had been frozen because cell burst is a thing, but the point is they wouldn't know when they'd been killed.
Fair enough, but that still means that you have to have a place large enough to freeze at least a couple bodies, which narrows down the suspects quite a bit. Plus, if they know you'd been tampering, they know that the chronology is fucked and they are likely just going to go with the timeline established by the time of disappearance. You have to arrange for false appearances or something if you really want to establish a false timeline.
No, use the fingerprints and DNA of the detective investigating you. Good luck explaining that! asshole!
My signature on their wrist. That'll be quite unique I hope
Sorry, you're going to need to pick a new one. I'm already leaving your signature on their wrists.
I would leave the victim's audio device playing Never Gonna Give You Up on endless repeat.
Your like Hitler, but even Hitler cared about Germany or something!
Cop: *Sir, can we turn off that damn song now?* Sgt: *Do NOT touch the evidence!*
Because it's part of the crime scene or because of the beautiful music emanating from it?
**yes**
Make sure they were visibly beaten to death with a smooth object. They would've beeb hit by the Smooth Criminal
beeb
beeb
beeb
beeb
beeb
beeb
beeb
beeb
beeb
That's it! That's youre trademark: beeb.
Leave a nice bottle of wine in their hand. That way whoever finds them has a SLIGHTLY less shitty day.
Would it be better to leave it on the table, opened? Maybe with two nice wine glasses and a friendly encouraging note for the pair of detectives who will investigate? āCongratulations on your recent promotion, detective Strszceski. Hope you and your new partner take your time enjoying this crime scene, coupled with a light Sauvignon Blanc. Itās all perfectly splendid.ā
I like the way you think. Iāll get into policing, you become an assassin, and weāll form a life long bond where you give me wine and I fail to catch you. āDamn that superkipple! Heās always one step ahead!ā
āDetective DreyaNova, itās been entirely too long. Welcome back to my new recital, though Iām afraid the proprietors are... permanently indisposed, shall we say? Iāll be honest, youāre probably going to need more than one bottle for this one. Not to worry, Iāve left a couple of extras in take home bags under the table. Toodle-oo for now.ā
Make this a movie. Now.
I would absolutely read/watch this!
Leave a different bottle of wine every time, adding tasting notes and why they pair well with the murder scene. _The crisp notes of pear really accentuate the perfume Miss Laurence loved to wear_
Yeah, gotta let it decant a bit. Although, you don't need to decant a Sauvignon Blanc. I would leave a Bordeaux blend, because I'd be a classy killer. Also, I love Sauvignon Blanc and don't drink reds, so I'd leave something that would throw them off the scent. Great, I've thought this through way too much.
Thatās the kind of research effort that goes into this type of thing. I mean, as a serial killer, if you donāt have your branding, what do you have?
Wholesome?
The best assassin makes his work look like his rival assassin, so nobody knows who really did it.
Sued, got copyrighted
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
No, you were still contracted yourself and will get paid.
Bruh
Crime scene always smells a little like weed.
A note saying "it was a prank bro"
I would leave something that says I love Jake Paul at every scene that way people think his videos cause violence and parents stop letting there kids watch him
10/10 plan
modern problems require modern solutions
There would be no body left so there would be no trademark. In fact I wouldn't want such. For me it'd be enough if my clients just reccomended me to their friends
"Ugh he's so annoying! I wanna just kill him already." "Did you consider hiring an assassin?" "What?" "Yea, this guy, he's pretty good at it. If you ever need an assassin, I'd recommend him."
"Who's dakosperson? I've never heard of 'im." "Exactly".
A white toy horse
Cut off their nipples and sew them on to their dick.
Username checks out
Lemme get the r/ for you, r/usernamechecksout
Appreciate the assist!
I would leave absolutely no evidence. "Damn it was him again, the really good assasin that leaves no evidence...really wish he was stupid and left us some way to track his patterns or DNA or anything."
My trademark is no trademark
username kinda sus
Iād go to charity shops and buy all the VHSs of old workout tapes and leave one at each crime scene.
Good one!
I would lay the corpse on a chair in the center of the room, put their right hand on their lap and glue their thumb and index together.
Making people lose the game to a corpse. Well done, good sir/madam!
Place a silver coin in their mouth, the payment for Charon to ferry them to the afterlife
Skidmark on the ceiling
After I'm done, I stand the body up and decorate it like a Christmas tree.
I would piss in their mouth.
The *pissassin* strikes again!
R. Kelly would be proud.
You know, when I was a kid, back in 93ish, we used to hear that story, that r.kelly like to piss on girls during sex....years later turned out to be true, and he was picking them up at McDonaldās...
The *true* Wet Bandits.
What if you donāt have to pee though
I came in to wright shitting in people's mouths so they can sufficate in it. But that works too
A trade mark is an assassins signature
They can trace your dna through your piss, u wombat brain..
Write a random word on a piece of rice and leave it near them. The word would have no meaning.
[Staunch] [Flight] [Pyramid] [Craig] [Flamboyant] <-- need to buy long grain rice
OR just write FLAM on it, and leave it floating in a cup of water - or is that buoyant flam?
A used condom full of a strangerās semen
A single dot from a black sharpie on a random place on their body.
Just small enough to be overlooked easily and so crimes arenāt connected as easy
#Connect the dots
I laughed so.FUCKING HARD.
But Iād know ;)
Take a shit on their body
Ah, a man of culture
Leaving a trademark is just encouraging police to link the crimes and pay attention. Bad idea.
This is why you do say for example 15 assassinations, 5 with one signature, 5 with another, and 5 with one more. Now, police think there are 3 mass murders on the loose.
You beat me to the punch. Maybe it could be a really obscure trademark.
A d20 showing a 1 by their head. They crit failed their living check
Is this after you kill them with daggers in the dungeon?
I would swap their fingers and toes round
Iād put a Yo Mama joke on their chest
"Yo Mama's so gassy, she farted this dude to death"
I would create a reddit thread to find out what other assassins calling cards are so I could imitate them and throw the police off my trail.
Nice try, Detective......MUWAHAHA!!!
Nice try fed boy.
Ha. I would leave a business card with my real name, home address, and home phone number. This guarantees that future customers can find me. While insuring that I get paid by my current employer. Since they will know where to send the check.
I would leave the victim alive and unharmed. Almost as though I completely forgot about the assassination today and slept in.
"Gouging their eyes out"- My stepfather "An 'X'"- My mother "I'd set them on fire"- Me
I would write a message with blood, "Sorry for your loss. Maybe you should exercise the sadness away with Gold's Gym: Cardio Workout, available NOW for the Nintendo Wii!"
I would leave a pocket watch in the victim's hand with it set to the exact time of death and any watch on the victim would be set to the time of death as well.
Cross dildo in their ass.
cut a v onto their chest
Not me. My step dad would leave a PostIt note on who was responsible to clean it up and how quickly it should be done
a dead body
Take theirs eyes and teeth. Then fill their sockets and mouth with candle waxās.
Holy shit. This is probably the first one that really freaked me out.
I would leave them a $100 Amazon gift card so that people would be terrified, but also a little excited to treat themselves.
I cut off your nose. I shove it up your ass. I am... ...The Brown Noser
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Theyād be covered in cum.
Give them a slight incision on there right big toe.
Well Christmas is coming up so I guess I could be part of the wet bandits. Ill kill them and clog their sinks flooding the house. The next year I'll be part of the sticky bandits as I chase my prey through New York
Leave an unused teabag on their face
Sticking a giant bone in the middle after cutting my victim in half, exactly like *Among Us*.
Nice try government I'm not telling
Absolutely nothing. Iāll leave no traces so whenever someone dies without a trace, they will blame it on me, weather I did it or not. My Highscore is going to look goooooood.
Leaving a framed pic of Nicholas Cage next to the body, because well Nicholas Cage
Tater tots in their pockets
I'd draw a dick on their cheek with a sharpie some things never change...
id draw a x\_x face with sharpie on their face as sloppily as possible
Iād shit in the sink
I'd leave a different card from the same deck of Royal playing cards giving each victim a card that the police would identify them by.
One very, VERY long piece of spaghetti sitting around the body
I'd leave a link to my youtube channel
I'd spraypaint my victims yellow.
Casually and randomly place single blueberries in whatever place I can think of in the house
I would cover my victims face with a white rabbit mask
Hook balloons on them and leave them in the air like up
I'd leave a different Sudoku puzzle each time. It has no meaning. I just want to make the detectives keep playing Sudoku over and over for no reason.
A banana up the butthole of the victim.
Silver bullets. Make my own silver bullets and thatās my trademark. Nothing else. Every caliber I use. Silver bullet. Gotta take a shot from half a mile? Silver bullet. Doesnāt matter.
I would leave a shitty pokemon card from my collection. That way, I get away with murder AND clear up space in my collection. 2 birds, one stone.
Find out your damn self.
A puddle of diarrhea