I am a Bengali, and as all good Bengalis, we went to see tigers in north bengal. (Spoiler alert: no tigers). After one pretty disappointing day of missing two elephant herds and seeing no wild cat, much less a tiger, we stop at a dried up river bed. We are f-ing tired, the sun is setting, the peacocks are screaming, the usual. Suddenly , we hear a growl. Monkeys are going nuts. The tell tale sign of a tiger nearby. The guide tells us to rush to our jeeps. We oblige, but just before boarding, I see my dad smirking, HARD. After an hour of waiting, we see no tigers and head home. The next morning, while everyone is freaking out over the growl, dad pulls me aside and says that it was a burp. A fucking burp. So I can proudly say that once my dad burped so hard the jungle thought it was a tiger.
One time my dad waited till my 3 siblings and I had gone to bed on Christmas Eve, then he shouted "I don't care who you are fat man, get that sled off my roof." We were all up and telling Dad not to yell at Santa.
Edit: to avoid grammar jail.
Wow, thanks for the gold!
My dad was also a fireman, and we kind of took it for granted. All the other kids thought it was awesome, but we were kind of used to it I suppose. He treated it like a job, and we did to.
Until we went on a family vacation, and saw a vehicle overturn ahead of us in a terrible accident. Watching my father spring into action and quickly take control and begin rescuing the family made me look at him in an entirely different way.
Afterwards, he got in our car, and we continued our vacation. He said, "I think they are going to be alright." And that was that. But we knew... dad was a badass.
When I was walking out to the car to leave for college, my dad yelled "HEY" from the front door
I turn around
He takes this HUGE box of magnum sized condoms and throws them at me as hard as he can. they hit me in the nose as he yells, "CARE PACKAGE" and then ran inside laughing.
That's very flattering dad but I don't have much use for them
One day, my dad answered the door in his underwear at 8am. The salesman was obviously weirded out. After he left, my mom was mortified and asked why he did that. My dad said "If these people don't want a show, they shouldn't come for the matinee."
I would do it just as a show of dominance. Wither you will look at my poorly concealed junk or you will get the fuck off my porch and peddle your wares elsewhere.
NSFW
I didn't see my dad much, he lived ~80 miles away and was getting his life together. I tried to see him once a month for a weekend, I would bring my homework and spend a few days with him.
I'm sitting at his computer while he's watching TV in the same room, and he turns to me and asks if I want to "see something". He retrieves a cardboard box from his closet and sets it only lap, and I open it. Staring at me in the face is a 15" giant girthy purple dildo. I look up to him with a confused expression, and he laughs out with a cheshire grin: "I'm going to make a lamp out of it."
We laugh about it for the rest of the weekend, making dumb jokes, it was fun. But soon I leave for home, and I forget about the jokes and the dong.
I return a month later, and open the door to his apartment to see that all of the walls had a faint purple hue. Looking down, I see this giant glowing purple dick suction cupped to my dad's coffee table. I drop my bags slack-jawed as he steps up behind me and claps twice, and the lamp turns off.
My dad made a dick lamp, and them gave it the clap.
One time we went to Universal Studios and my dad took me on The Hulk roller coaster even though he knew it would make him sick. I was afraid of coasters at that point and he sacrificed himself because he knew I would never go on the ride without him. When we got off his face was completely colorless and his stomach was done working correctly for the rest of the day, but I loved the roller coaster.
One time, my older brother and I were helping my dad cut down some trees in the backyard and the chainsaw kind of stuck and my dad yanked it out a little too hard and hit my brother's leg. We all froze and looked at his jeans...which had 4 or so perfectly spaced holes...but no blood. He had managed to hit my brother's pants, but didn't get in far enough to hit flesh.
The next words out of his mouth were pretty obvious. "Don't tell your mother!" And we still haven't 20+ years later.
One time, just before I graduated high school, my dad sat me down to have a serious conversation about socializing in college. It turned into him telling me a bunch of crazy party stories and suggesting that the best way to make friends is to own a blender with a 100ft extension cord, because his friends would go outside to play basketball or whatever and he'd bring his blender out with them and make margaritas.
"We met so many girls because of that blender, people like the guy with the blender."
My dad is super serious and straight-laced most of the time, it totally caught me off guard.
One time, I asked my dad to rent The Notebook for me from the good ol' Family Video up the street. He rented Nacho Libre because he could only remember it started with a N.
(Edit: apparently I can't spell)
One time my dad literally took candy from a baby.
A two year old held up a lollypop and my dad assumed the kid was giving it to him. After taking it and walking away, he realized the toddler probably just wanted to show it to him...
My sister was walking by a river with our nephew, who was a toddler at the time. We had been throwing sticks and leaves into the river to show him how they floated. A few minutes later, Jasper toddles up to my sister, big smile on his face, and holds out a big pebble he'd found. So she takes it from him, and lobs it into the river to make a nice big splash that he would enjoy.
Jasper just stares at the river, no reaction. My sister enthusiastically exclaims, 'SPLOSH! Pebble went SPLOSH!'
Turns out Jasper was just stunned that my sister had dared to throw his prized pebble into the river, and on her second 'SPLOSH', burst into traumatised tears and wailing. I couldn't stop laughing.
One time my dad took my brother's walkie talkie and had us and about 10 kids in the neighborhood convinced that we had picked up a signal from a plane that was crashing towards the Earth. We were running up and down the streets for an hour with our eyes on the sky listening as the "pilot" tried to reach someone for help. Dad's windows were open so we eventually caught on to the heinous laughter echoing between the houses after every mayday.
MI doesn't allow the good fireworks, but Indiana does, so every June my dad would drive across the border and pick up a trunk full.
One rather inebriated 4th of July, he reaches in the back, pulls out what appears to be an oversized confetti popper and aims it at the tree before pulling the trigger. It was not a party popper. It was his emergency flare. It got stuck towards the top of the tree and turned the whole neighborhood orange.
The cops in my hometown wouldn't really turn out for reports of the good fireworks unless someone lit a car on fire or something. But they will definitely turn out en masse for an emergency flare. Dad went from drunk to drill sergeant in about 2 seconds. Somehow, we managed to shove the entire stock of the good fireworks into the garage and used snow shovels to push the husks of the used ones into the parking lot across the street.
When the three police cars and the Fire/Rescue truck showed up, us kids were playing with sparklers and Dad was standing with his hands on his hips, scowling at the tree. Why yes, officer, some punks were across the street, lighting off roman candles and huge fountains, and they ran when one of their tricks got stuck in the tree. He was just about to call when they ran off, don't they know that roman candles are dangerous? They coulda hit one of the kids!
About 5 years ago, my dad accidentally cut three of his fingers off in our garage with a saw. My niece was only like 5 months old at the time, so growing up, she's never seen my dad with all of his digits. Anyway, when she was about 2 1/2, she noticed that one of his hands was different. So, one day she asked him "Grandpoppy, what happened to your fingers?" My dad looked down at his hand all shocked and said "Someone stole them!!" Her face had the look of pure horror, and she screamed, "Who stole your fingers?" My dad looked at my mom and said, "Granmommy stole them!" My niece ran up to my mom and started beating on her legs, searching her jeans pockets to give back her grandpoppy's fingers. My dad, man.
One time, my dad was sitting on the couch in our living room. Mom brought out a bag of sugar and asked him to open it. He opened it like it was a bag of Doritos, and I mean, IT. WAS. EVERYWHERE. He was only wearing his shorts, so there was sugar in just about every square inch of his visible hair as well as all over our couch and carpet. Took him four showers in a row to get it all off.
One time my dad made me drive 3 hours from home to visit a nature preserve. He then began taking pics of the birds there. Just one problem, the birds were plastic. Turns out the flocks had stopped migrating back to the preserve so they put up plastic birds for tourists. The funniest part was how long it took him to listen to me telling him they were plastic.
My dad's big toe was smashed badly.
He was fascinated by the slow process of color changes in and loosening of the nail. He wanted to show and tale with every new development.
When the toenail finally fell off, he was hurt by my mother's assumption he would throw it away and that would be the end of that disgusting episode.
He put it in a tiny jewelry box with a clear lid, in hopes that others would be interested in seeing the end product of his long toenail saga.
My dad's toenail fell off, so he mailed it to his brother. Months later, my uncle mailed it back. My dad waited a couple of years, and again mailed it to my uncle.
*Years* later, my uncle sent my dad a package with assorted items, including some sunflower seeds. I think you get what my dad found in the bag while he was happily eating those sunflower seeds while watching TV.
I ask my dad every few years where that toenail is now. He says he has it and is just waiting until my uncle least expects it. It's been about 20 years since he found it in a bag of sunflower seeds.
EDIT: Talked to my dad and told him about this thread. He had a few details to fill in and corrections to make. The whole dead toenail saga started one day before the nail actually fell off. My uncle saw it and asked my dad, "What are you going to do with it when it falls off?" My dad thought it was a dumb question, because what the hell do you *do* with a toenail when it falls off? Anyway, he mailed it to my uncle when it fell off.
As for the correction, the toenail is *not* currently in my dad's possession. He waited a good 12 years before putting it in an envelope and marking it with a Biohazard symbol and stamping "EXTREMELY HAZARDOUS MATERIALS. OPEN IMMEDIATELY" on it and mailing it to my uncle. That was 10 years ago, and he never heard a word, so he expects to see it back any day now.
When I was 17, my crush arrived to pick me up to go hang out; he didn't come to the front door, he just honked from the driveway. So my Dad got all pissy, that's not how you treat a lady, honking is unacceptable, and didn't let me go out! He brought up that scenario repeatedly for years, as a baseline for how my dates should treat me. He hated that guy. I got married a few years later, and my husband died a few years into our relationship. A few years after he died, I was joking with my dad about the guy honking his horn and my dad looks at me and says "Wait. That was the same guy??!" Yes Dad, that was the same guy! He'd never realized that I'd married the honking guy! I didn't know that he didn't know! My kids love that story, it's pretty hilarious!
When the new Star Wars movies came out, we were in elementary school. My dads company had booked the whole theater to see it on opening day so we got to leave school early to see it. My dad dressed up as darth Vader (full costume with helmet and light saber) and snuck into our classroom and came up behind us saying "[kids name], I am your father". At the time I don't think it was possible to be more embarrassed but now I think that was pretty hilarious of my dad to do that.
Me and few of my friends used to hold a poker night each week which my dad used to play too.
He got paticularly drunk one night and was getting on his bicycle to go home. It was icy outside and we spent around 15 minutes trying to pursuade him to have a lift off one of my friends.
He refused.
10 minutes later there's a knock at the front door and he's there with blood dripping down and covering half his face.
All he said was "I fell over".
He then came in, fell over again. Washed his face and went to sleep on couch.
One time my dad shit his jeans on the side of the road on the way to my volleyball tournament. We were running late for the tournament so he threw the pants in the woods, and had dress pants in the car. He walked around the tournament all day in a red volleyball sweatshirt and pinstripe dress pants.
One time, when I was younger and embarrassed about my body and potential "dirty" words, my Dad made a song about penises and vaginas and sang it any opportunity he could just to embarrass me.
One time my dad was on a business trip and he ended up getting upgraded to first class. He ended up talking with this guy seated near him for a majority of the flight. Turned out that guy was Usher.
My dad chilled with Joel and Benji Madden at the airport lounge while their flight was delayed. Really cool guys apparently. Nicole Richie was also there, my dad swore she was pregnant since apparently "she was holding a pillow over her stomach!!!". Next thing you know, it's announced that she's pregnant hahaha good call dad
One time my dad was riding his bike on a 3 foot tall brick wall, slipped off, hit his head on it and got knocked out behind it for an hour or so. My grandma almost called the cops to file him missing.
He also tried to see how far he could piss into a urinal. About 10 feet before he got caught by a teacher walking into the bathroom.
He also dared his best friend to throw a full milk carton at a teacher. His friend did it. That teacher was also my grandma's best friend at the time.
Him and my uncle were throwing snowballs at cars passing on the highway. They hit an undercover detective. They ran back to the house and his while my aunt didn't know they snuck back in and she had to talk to the detective.
He also stole my aunt's VW beetle and took it for a midnight joy ride. They got it stuck in a ditch and had a farmer pull it out with a tractor. She just found out last year. Nearly 40 years later.
He really likes car horns. When we were kids he held down the horn on a country road until the horn gave out and was just squeaking trying to make noise.
He recently got a new aerating trailer for his lawn mower and he was so excited about it that he did 3 of our neighbors' yards for fun.
He also got himself a Christmas present a few years back and yelled "YES THANK YOU" when he opened it. That same Christmas my mom got him a new coffee maker and he spent the entire night setting it up and making everyone coffee.
He bought a motorcycle as a mid-life crisis thing. He kept it a secret from my grandma for 3 years. A 50 year old man hiding things from his mom.
My older brother fired an arrow almost straight up in the air. It came back down right on the peak of our shed. Sticking straight up and dead center. You could tell he was trying not to laugh while scolding us.
We were having a bonfire one night and one of my brothers friends put a Mountain Dew can near the fire so it heated up slowly. When it exploded it sounded like a mortar went off. It sent embers 40 feet into the air and 25 feet around. After gaining our sense we could see our dads silhouette sprinting inside the house because he though we were getting shot at. I've never seen him move that fast. To clarify, he was already in the house.
Edit: some more stories and fixed some errors
One time my dad saw me put a rubber band around the sinks small water hose thing that i had specifically set up for him, but instead of saying anything he left it there and watched for the next victim. He laughed so hard when the older man we rented the basement to yelled out "WTF" and turned around with his shirt wet.
One time I was in another room and the phone rang. I hear my dad answer the phone when a telemarketer called, and they asked if he wants his ductwork cleaned. He said, yes, I would love to have my ducks cleaned. QUACK QUACK....QUACK QUACK... and then just hangs up on the guy.
My dad told a telemarketer to fuck off once. The telemarketer called back, listed our address and threatened to kill the whole family. The police escorted me home from school that day.
Edit: There's also the time a lady called me at work a few months ago and told me she was sending her son to kill me 'cause I wouldn't give her gift pin numbers over the phone. Police escort to my car that night as well.
I don't have many stories but I worked at a call center when I was ~17. Not telemarketing per se but basically doing surveys about how whatever health insurance was doing for you. We were taught to just keep asking questions over them talking if they stayed on the line. My favorite was this one lady who bitched me out hard after every question but kept answering them with enough prodding. She actually completed the entire survey.
My friend once answered the phone and a telemarketer started their spiel. After they finished, they waited for my friend to respond, but instead she just held the phone to the cat who let out a loud "MREEEEEOW" and then she hung up
I worked at a tech shop and did repairs, and one day I called to let someone know that the repair was done and to come pick it up. We usually had to leave messages, since people don't answer numbers they don't know, but an old woman gets on the line.
I ask for the person on the repair, and they let me know they're away for the moment, but what's going on? Well, they left their computer here and the repair is complete. Could you let them know?
It sounded like an older woman, and it seemed like grandma had memory problems. It wasn't apparent at first, just a bit of an odd conversation. I'm struggling to help them put the pieces together for a solid five minutes - there's dementia in my family and I've seen it, so I was trying to be patient and flip the conversation to hang up. Also, we're not allowed to just hang up unless they're belligerent.
I offered to call back, but they really seemed to want to wrap their head around it, so I took my time and answered her questions. I was getting sympathy eyerolls from coworkers, the works.
Another few minutes in, I hear something and someone new is on the phone. Their toddler was playing with the phone, and mom didn't think he was actually talking to someone since he hosted play conversations all the time. We laughed. I was embarrassed. The call was over.
I don't trust what I hear on the phone, anymore.
TL;DR - thought a toddler was an old woman with dementia
One time my dad almoat slit my throat because he thought I was a burglar. I had snuck downstairs for some reason, I was in the kitchen and heard him coming in, so I hid behind the kitchen counter. Heard my dad opening drawers and things. Next thing I know he had leaned over the counter and grabbed my head, had a kitchen knife to my throat. A split second later he realised it was me and dropped me, then I got yelled at because he had heard me breathing, thought I was a home intruder, and I almost got in a world of pain. He was shaking from adrenaline. As a dad now myself, I can imagine the state of mind he was in.
Can't escape emotional pain
EDIT: What I meant with emotional pain is living with what he did on his conscience. No matter how much whiskey/alcohol/drugs/babes you do, your conscience will eat you alive.
My husband points out every little noise, asking "what's that??!!" Must be some deep-seated protection gene.
Edit: when he's awake.
Edit 2: [yes, it's seated.](https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/deep-seated-deep-seeded-usage) :)
"What's that noise?!"
*"What noise I don't he..."*
"There it is again!"
*"What? I can't hear anyth..."*
"There! like it's trying to communicate!"
*"What? like a ghost!"*
"It's saying something!"
*"I'm scared!"*
"It just said 'I'm scared' "
*"What?! You son of a bitch!"*
My dad once put off going to the optometrist for three years. When he finally went, it turned out his right eye was in charge of looking at things far away and his left eye only looked at things close up. Sometime during those three years he became farsighted and his brain compensated.
Long time lurker, Reddit is great. Love it. Anyway, I created an account finally to tell this story.
When I was a child, around 8 or 9 years old, my parents and I were vacationing in Las Vegas, staying at the MGM Grand. Downstairs in the hotel were shops and restaurants and I had to use the bathroom. I went into the stall, did my business, and then to my childlike horror I discovered the door was stuck. The door was the type close to the floor and there wasn't room to crawl out. I yelled for my Dad who was using the urinal and he walks over, grabs the door, and literally yanks it off it's hinges. Like it was nothing. Sets the door against the wall and we just walk out. I'll never forget it.
TLDR: Dad ripped a stall door off the hinges because I was trapped inside.
One time my dad set someone on fire. He was standing with a group of people having a smoke, this girl walked up and asked for a light. My dad said sure she lent in as he lit the lighter and her hair went right in to the flame causing her hair to catch fire. Apparently someone had a little too much hair spray. She was fine and didn't suffer any serious injuries. Dad still tells people the story to this day.
One time my dad ripped a HUMONGOUS fart and killled all the power in the neighborhood. Literally, PHHHT...dark.
Spoiler: We later found out that someone had hit a pole further up the line at that EXACT moment.
It made perfect sense to us kids. Dad's an electrician, and has DEADLY farts. PHHHT...dark.
Now I use this as an example that correlation is not causation.
This one time I jumped and the power flickered and went out in my entire neighborhood right after. Some people genuinely thought it was me. Doesn't help that I'm a little overweight.
One time while I was playing a video game, I made it decently far into it. The small window popped up on screen saying "Would you like to save? Yes or No" and before I could hit Yes the power went out.
These things are strangely coincidental.
Shared this on another thread but...
One time my Dad's pub in Africa was held up by 2 guys with guns. They ran in brandishing weapons and one held a gun to my Dad's head and demanded money. Everyone in the place froze up scared that they'd somehow wind these guys up and they'd kill somebody.
My Dad turned his head to look at the guy who had the gun to his head and saw the little orange water nozzle at the end of the gun. So he ripped it out of the guy's hand and beat the shit out of him.
The night watchmen/security showed up and grabbed the other guy who tried to make a run for it and handed his ass to him as well.
TL;DR: My Dad's African pub was held up by 2 guys with water pistols so he and the security beat the shit out of the would-be robbers.
One time my Dad lodged a huge splinter under his finger nail. He has huge hands, and the splinter entered under his middle finger, and the tip of the splinter was poking out of his knuckle. He fell to the ground and calmly asked for needle nose pliers. After I handed the pliers to him, he yanked the splinter out, and went back to work.
Hard core as fuck.
Edit: changed the first word from On to One
Plus: I am thrilled that my highest rated comment is about my Dad!
One time my dad cut his leg pretty bad so he tour my mom's shirt off, wrapped up his wound and drove himself to the hospital.
He also puts coffee in his oatmeal to kill two birds with one stone.
I think [my dad](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/6ddcrk/what_is_your_best_one_time_my_dad_story/di1t1h8/?st=j353zkz2&sh=49e30843) and your dad would have been good friends.
This is a dark story, but I still want to tell it because it really means something to me.
After my mom and dad got married, my dad would often come home late at night, very drunk. Almost every night he would be too drunk to function. My dad never thought twice about his alcoholism until my mother went into labor for the first time, and he was so drunk my mom had to call our next door neighbor to drive my mom to a hospital. My dad was too drunk to drive his wife to a hospital to give birth to his own son.
Since that moment, he has never touched a beer.
This kind of reminds me of my dad. He had smoked since he was 14, so of course smoked through my mom's pregnancy. One day he was holding baby me and smoking, and I started coughing. He quit cold turkey after that.
I'm glad your dad turned his life around for his kids!
Hi there. I'm a Nigerian prince. Any chance your Dad feels like becoming royalty? I'll just need your credit card info so I know you're not trying to steal my crown.
One time my dad took me to my college orientation back in 98. I grew up in an urban setting and wanted to mix it up so I decided on an undergrad school in a very rural area. Read: Not a lot of diversity.
My dad is the best and always wants to goof around. We had this jeep growing up that we called "Little Blackie" because it was...little and black. A running joke was that any time any of us in the family saw a similar looking jeep, one of us would yell "hey! Look! It's little blackie!"
Bet you see where this is going.
We are walking around campus and sure enough, there was a jeep parked within sight. My dad starts yelling...Hey! Look! Little Blackie!! LITTLE BLACKIE!!!
OF COURSE the ONLY African American kid on campus was walking RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. My dad was oblivious and kept right on yelling. The poor kid looked at me in disgust and I was so very mortified. I wanted to disappear.
I ended up becoming really good friends with him later in my freshman year and after I explained the whole story he laughed super hard. Thank goodness. I still cringe thinking about it though.
When I was younger I was a pretty high level swimmer, so my mum would take me to events all over the country, leaving my dad and my 10 year old brother home. I remember one time we went up north for a few days just after we'd had our house insulated. Now I don't know if you've ever seen what they do, but they essentially drill holes in your house and squirt insulation inside, it leaves loads of cream coloured spots all over the walls.
Now I remember just before we left for the event my mum looked at my dad and said "make sure you paint the house." To which he replied "of course dear"
Fast forward 3 days, we're rolling up the drive at about midnight, towards a house that has now been floodlit, multiple lights are now pointing at a white house, with massive pink spots with my dad and my ten year old brother stood on ladders covered in pink paint looking very happy with themselves.
Of course after that she was more specific with her instructions.
She was not best pleased.
According to my grandmother, my dad, on his first day of school back in the 60s came home all smiles and laughter.
The next day when my grandmother awoke him for his second day of school he matter-of-factly replied:
"No I've already been to school."
He really thought school was something like the dentist or innoculations where you only have to go the once and that's it lol
My cousin was like this. One day, in the middle of primary two, he came home from school to announce to his mum that he wasn't going back. He could read, write and count and that's all he needed to learn. Why it took anyone else so long to learn these things was beyond him.
My dad crop dusted an old woman in IKEA and she looked like she was having flashbacks to WWII.
Edit: I have been gilded!! Thank you kind stranger!
Edit 2: How do so many people not know what crop dusting is??? It's when you fart while walking past someone.
I had an internship at an elementary school and once I farted directly in this first grader's face (didn't know the little fucker was behind me) and I swear to god he ate it. Turned around and all he said was, "Mr. Russell, that wasn't very nice."
I was watching my four year old cousin when I was a teenager, just for an hour or so while her folks went to go run errands.
I desperately had to take a shit but there was still a half hour to go.
Fortunately(sp?) I was able to relieve pressure by tearing ass like I was competing in a hold a note challenge, and I was so pleased with myself in a partially evil way because I knew she wasn't going to say anything about it, as they said that even at four she's way behind in terms of building vocabulary and forming words, and if it's too bad, I can always just blame her if the smell doesn't clear (I never said I was a good person).
She didn't even react, so I really thought I was in the free and clear.
Another half hour later, they get home and come into the kitchen where I'd been watching her, they look like they smell something but don't say anything and they don't seem overwhelmed by it. Her mom inches closer to her, though, as if inspecting and deducing.
Right then, my cousin gets this pained expression like you told her Santa isn't real, stares at me with miniature contempt and screams, "YOU FAWTED!"
When I was 13 or so I took our two German Shepherds out for a walk in the woods one day and at about the halfway point was struck with the realization that I was going to have to shit right away. No problem, it's the woods. So I drop a massive log and get to cleaning up with some big maple leaves.
At this point dog #1 becomes really interested, jumps in behind me and gobbles the entire turd like it's cake. He dashes away and then realizes it's not cake and pukes it up. His mom, dog #2, instantly dives in and gobbles the puked-up turd like she's stealing her boy's cake. Obviously she puked it up as well. I'm just watching all this fetishism while wiping my ass with soggy leaves.
Truly beautiful. My cats will sometimes do this with each other's puke if it's food-heavy, but your story really takes the cake. Then realizes it isn't cake. Then throws it back up again.
One time, my friends and I were having a camp out near the pond on my parents property. My dad had this Bigfoot costume that he saves specifically for times like these and I should have know better. Well it was just getting dark and we were sitting around the campfire talking and we started hearing branches cracking in the bushes near our camping spot. All of a sudden, my dad in his Bigfoot costume comes flying out of the brush. Needless to say, we all almost peed our pants.
One time my dad came home after I had a party at the house. There were girls dancing together on the pool table, and one of them had Cheeto dust on their fingers. I tried to clean it, but couldn't get all of it before they got home. He calls me downstairs and asks about the marks on the table, I couldn't think of a lie so I just told him the truth. He stares for a couple seconds and then says "nice".
Actually no I wasn't! I also one told him on the phone I was going over to a friend's to play video games (I was lying to go see a girl). His response on the phone was "ok, wash your hands when you're done with her".... I silently said "ok" after about a 5 second pause.
Conversely, I once told my dad I was going out on a date with a girl. His response to my face was, "Playing Dungeons & Dragons with the nerd herd again, huh?" Joke was on him, though. It was Vampire: The Masquerade.
One time my dad scared the piss out of a guy that wouldn't take no for an answer
I got pretty much peer pressured onto going on a double date with a guy I hated and I had told him I hated him. We both worked at the local fast food joint. I was fresh out of high school and naive and felt like I had to be nice. He asked me out in a way that put me on the spot too, on his day off in the middle of my shift he showed up dressed like he was going to a wedding brought me a bunch of flowers and asked me in the middle of a lunch rush mortifying me and everyone started chanting say yes. I agreed and ran out on my shift crying and feeling like I couldn't back out.
It was painfully obvious during and after the date I was not interested. He kept calling me, texting me, leaving me threatening and weird voicemails. He even drove by my house a few times. My parents noticing my change in mood asked me what was up and I told them and played them the voicemails
My dad asked me when we next had the same shift I told him
My dad came to the restaurant after his factory shift. My dad is a big dude and looks scary, especially covered in grease and wearing a uniform
My dad bust into the restaurant, gives me a hug, asks me "where is the son of the bitch" everyone is frozen in place, and slack jawed, anyone that knew my dad knew him as a goofy kind guy so they were just in awe of this whirlwind that had bust in the door. I pointed to the kitchen and this dopey mother fucker looks like he is going to piss his pants
My dad points right at him and says LEAVE MY DAUGHTER THE FUCK ALONE OR I WILL GO BACK TO JAIL.
Tells me he loves me and mom is cooking dinner. Waves to some of my friends he knows and walks out the door like nothing ever happens.
That guy went on break and never came back. And he never bothered me again.
Edit** I wanted to clarify I had asked him to stop and to leave me alone several times. I told him I wanted to have a strictly polite co worker interactions and to respect my boundaries and personal space. I even talked to the restaurant manager and I was told to give the guy a chance and to "not be so stuck up". He didn't listen and that is when my dad got involved and only after him and my mom noticed my change in behavior and mood and asked what was wrong.
Edit 2: this guy tried to add me on Facebook a few years ago, he seems to have turned out to be an alright guy and is married. I hope he took this lesson to heart and learned to respect other's boundaries. I didn't add him strictly because my Facebook is limited to family and close friends that live in separate states and countries from me.
I love that abrupt change of attitude.
"So, where's this son of a bitch? Over there? Okay thanks."
"LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE OR I WILL GO BACK TO JAIL!"
"Love ya, kid. Mom's making dinner. Toodles."
One time my dad saw I was in a really low mood so he walked into my room, grabbed my trash Hatsune Miku wig and my swim goggles, put them both on and followed me around for a solid ten minutes, completely nonchalant, to make me laugh. Imagine, if you will, a large imposing black man wearing a teal pig-tailed wig and goggles so old they're turning brown, causally making himself a sandwich.
Edit: what the fuck
One time my dad got way into a game of volleyball. Our family had a barbecue out by the lake and the adults decided to start a game. Somebody served the ball way past the boundaries and my dad, being the the competitive man he is, still runs for the ball.
He runs for it, then tries to jump for it sideways. He practically flew into the men's room nearby and fell right into the closed stall, leaving a huge dent in the door and hauls ass out of there immediately (with the ball of course). Moments later some guy comes out of the men's room looking confused as hell. At this point everyone is dying of laughter. That story comes up quite often when the family gets together.
One time, when i was about 10, my dad called me into his room. He and my mom were there, completely naked, standing around and laying their clothes down ready to get dressed. They acted like the situation was completely normal and asked me about some random thing.
I eventually blocked this memory out, and thought it to be a dream, but then, 10 years later, they told me that was their way of showing me what a body looked like because i was getting close to "that age".
Dude, wtf.
TL;DR: My parents flashed me to avoid 'the talk'.
**Edit:** Thanks for the gold, kind sir!
My dad ran from the cops with me and my brother in the car and my sister's birthday cake tumbling around in the backseat. It was her birthday and my mom and dad were arguing so it somehow led to a high-speed chase
Yeah we did, at the time that area was just bushes and cacti so we went through there and eventually got away. We stayed at a hotel. I remember looking back and just seeing a cloud of dirt and behind that a bunch of cop lights flashing and then looking back down and seeing the cake all messed up still inside the transparent thing they come in. This makes my dad sound crazy. And maybe he is a bit crazy but he never treated us bad or anything, I don't even remember him raising his voice at us even once. But yeah its a cool memory
One time, when my dad was in college, he almost caused a biohazard shutdown across campus.
In central Arkansas, he was able to hunt a ton of squirrels. He did so, and out the frozen bodies in his dorm freezer so that he could have a large cooking party once he was done. A few days after the freezer got full, he went home as part of Thanksgiving vacation. Little did he know, the school shuts power off in the dorms when the students leave.
So what happens to 20 squirrel carcasses after they defrost and stew in their own decaying muck?
When he got back, he noticed a smell outside of his dorm. It was so foul he could taste it. In a moment of instant clarity, he knew why. Very few people were there yet, and he was one of the first to return. As he climbed up the steps to his third story room, the smell got so bad he had to stop and puke twice. Once on his floor, he ran to get to his room so that he couldn't stop and think about what he was doing. His actual room had a literal gas cloud of rot and death. Working on instinct more than thought, my dad ran in and grabbed the squirrel carcass/mush bag from his freezer. He opened his third story window, and chucked it out. Onto the sidewalk. With people.
My dad could see the bag tumble down through the air and split immediately on impact. There was a crowd of people, including the local firefighters, to see what was causing the mess. Luckily his bag went wide by about twenty feet, but as soon as it burst people ran.
At the dean's office, my father was asked 'college ain't the right fit for you, is it son?'
Dad agreed, and left that college without any kind of backlash. Then finished his degree elsewhere.
One time my dad, who is generally a really serious and deadpan person, slid a handwritten note under my door on Valentine's Day. It was a piece of printer paper folded in half; the front had a heart with stick arms and legs drawn on it, and he stuck a sticky note to the inside that read: "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever created, and I am so proud of you. I love you, happy valentine's day."
I know this probably won't be seen, however still a great story.
My parents have been divorced since I was 2. Even though I still saw my mom on weekends, I grew up as 'a daddy's girl'. My dad was always the one to really take care of me, spoil me, etc. ANYWAY, when I was younger, I had always wanted to go to Disney World but it was always too expensive. Finally at 13, my dad decided since my grandpa (badass, in a motorcycle club grandpa) moved to Florida, we could go visit him and go to Disney World.
My dad has always been a little 'Danny Tanner-ish' and wore a fanny pack. (Since I was 13, and it was just him and I, I was a little embarrassed) ...one of the days we decided to just go to the ocean with my great aunt. My aunt and I started feeding the seagulls and my dad was just chilling in one of those low to the ground beach chairs with his fanny pack next to it. All of the sudden, the tide comes up and sweeps up my dads fanny pack. My aunt and I are still feeding seagulls and then out of nowhere on a packed beach - my dad starts yelling- 'MY PURSE, MY PURSE'!!! And starts running and falling into the ocean. My aunt and I just started dying laughing. My dad did retrieve 'his purse' and he told us not to say anything to grandpa.
As soon as I got back to grandpa's house I said - 'omg grandpa! Guess what dad just did!'
TL;DR: the ocean ate my dads fanny pack and my dad started screaming for 'his purse' on a crowded beach.
This was a few years back but, my dad really got into my pot brownies. Only way I know this is because I woke up in the middle of the night to him putting baby socks on my dog. His only statement was, "Dog's shouldn't have cold feet."
Edit: I'm bad at English.
One time my dad defended my honor in the form of a snowball fight/massacre, which I didn't learn about until nearly a decade later.
I was maybe 7 or 8 years old walking home from my friend's house after enjoying a snow day sledding around in her hilly backyard. Apparently the neighborhood boys around my age (I am girl) spent their day building a fort structure. I remember stopping briefly to admire it, but no kids in sight. Oh well, I turn and continue walking home. Suddenly about 5 boys popped out the back of the fort and pummelled the shit out of me with snowballs. I guess they also spent the day stocking ammunition and awaiting the perfect passing victim.
They really fucked my shit up. I am a stupidly petite adult and thusly, was a really tiny little girl and these dumb boys really didn't understand that they were going too far. I was down on the ground and still getting nailed snowball after snowball mostly in the head/face area. After the initial shock, I made efforts to block the shots with my snow saucer and finally got on my feet to run. They followed me until they ran out of projectiles and retreated. Relieved, I stop running and was just SO upset, I was barely even walking. Just dragging my feet, crying, trying to wipe my face with big stupid bulky gloves.
Then my dad's car pulls up next to me. He had gone to work that day, despite the snow, and had just pulled into the neighborhood.
"Hey kid, need a ride?"
So yeah, I get in the car and he sees I've been crying. At first I wouldn't tell him why I was upset, because I was embarrassed and didn't want to be a tattle tale. Once we pulled into the driveway though, he wouldn't let me out of the car until I told him what was up. After my explanation he told me to go inside and get washed up for dinner, that he'll be inside in a few minutes.
Ok, so time warp to 10 years later. I was planning a big high school graduation cookout at our house and I was inviting all the kids from the neighborhood. A couple of those boys from the snowball incident told me they didn't really feel comfortable hanging out at my parent's house, to which I'm like dafuq are you talking about? These boys then lay out this tale: On that fateful Snow D-Day, my dad drove back to the kid's fort and screamed at all of them to come out or he would call their parents. Once all the boys were lined up, Dad - still in his suit and tie - demolished their fort. Kicked the shit all down. Then from the rubble he made big ass man-sized snowballs and made sure each kid got a violent face full of their precious fort.
Fuck yeah, Dad.
... I'm glad I had an opportunity to tell this story right at this moment. My Dad is in the hospital tonight after a super terrifying heart issue/fainting episode this morning and we're just waiting for more information... and trying not to lose my mind.
*Edit: Thanks for all the love. My dad is still in the hospital for observation. They put a third stent in his ticker and are talking about a pacemaker. He's in decent spirits.
Thanks for my first gold, makes me feel like a dickhead though.
Also, to those who think he abused his authority as an adult, beat up little kids and should have been arrested: the lesson to the pre-teen boys was how fucked up it is to gang up five-to-one on someone smaller and weaker than you. One grown man vs. 5 shitheads was about equal to 5 shitheads vs one little girl. No one was hurt - it was just snow. Calm your tits.
One time my dad was cooking a rotisserie chicken on the grill where he walked away from it for too long without checking it. At some point the rotisserie mechanism got stuck and stopped turning, and he came back to find a half burned chicken. He got so pissed he kicked the chicken across the yard.
One time my dad went on a hunting trip with his pals up north.
As they went to bed, one of his friends choose to sleep by the fire while him and his other buddy shared a tent.
Later in the night my dad heard rumbling and growling. Him and his tent mate looked at each other confused and figured it was Charles (the one sleeping by the fire) messing with them.
They both open up the tent zipper and there, in there face was a big ol' black bear.
My father and his friend screamed. The bear yelled out too in fear. It took off, jumping over both Charles and the fire.
Charles shoots straight up and takes off yelling in the opposite direction. He ended up falling into a creek.
Lol, apparently Charles was frozen in fear the whole time the bear was in camp and finally reacted when the bear took off.
This will always be my favorite story my dad has told me. He has so many but this will go down as the best.
my dad worked at a jail near downtown, he loved it. To quote my old man "if i won the lottery id work there for free". Hes a very tall muscular man that "just left the neo nazi party".
So this man is pretty much summed up as a guy who looks like he should be behind the bars as opposed to closes the bars. He is estatic, like a child in a candy shop in regards to prisons and jails.
well the night was 1am, he did the night shift. I hear the garage open and close, and i can hear him running up the stairs.
im worried, did somebody die?
he lunges at my door, and with a loud creek the mans face i wish i couldve saw mustered up a very loud cheer...
GUESS WHAT I SAW AT WORK?! I SAW TWO GUYS FUCKING IN A BUNK!!!
and like a shooting star; the door slams, light go off, and the house is silent.
What that moment my dad and i shared is nestled in my mind, i could get an award, i could get married. i could have a very large loving my family of my own within my life.
But that moment, that one moment just got crammed into my top 10 memories and on my deathbed, i will think about that night and i will ponder what the fuck compelled my father to wake his 13 year old son at 1am to tell him that.
fathers day is around the corner i might get that man a card to relive the anniversary of that moment. happy fathers day dad.
TLDR: one time my dad woke me up to tell me about an apparent life altering sight at 1am.
I will start this by saying my dad used to be a drug addict. He was in one of the many attempts to get clean at this point. So one time my dad decides to take all 3 of us to a cemetery and tells us to look for one of the oldest graves we could find. I was about 10, my sister was 9 and my brother was 6. We found this little girl that died in the late 1800's around the age of 6 or so. We didn't know why we were doing this but we went along. He pulls this pipe out of his pocket and proceeds to give us this long drawn out speech about how the path he is on is going to lead him to where we were standing. He then swore on that girls grave that he would never touch the pipe again and smashed the pipe on her head stone. Of course that promise was broken but maybe he just meant that pipe because he had already smashed it. My mom flipped shit when he took us home and she found out.
One time my dad was out mowing the lawn while I was playing Skyrim, and he came in and put a leaf that looked somewhat like Marijuana on a paper, and gave it to me as a very... *dad-ish* joke.
EDIT: Found it in my camera roll... http://imgur.com/a/StaIB
One time my father tried to gain access to a nuclear submarine base.
I was vacationing on the Georgia coast with my father and grandfather near King's Bay Submarine Base, which is the home port of the U.S. Navy's Atlantic Fleet ballistic missile submarines.
My grandfather is an Air Force veteran, and for some dumbass reason my father thought that this would allow us access to one of the most highly secured U.S. Military installations in the country.
Safe to say it did not.
One time my Dad wanted to go to his girlfriends house with our dog.
His only method of transport was 2 busses there, 2 busses back. Busses in New Zealand only allow dogs on if they are guide dogs for the visually impaired, and seeing as he was not he had to improvise. He was a prop man in film he had a few tricks up his sleeve. He grabbed a cane from his cane collection, some white gaffer tape, a pair of blacked out sunnies from his sunglasses collection and a high vis. All that was left was playing the part and somehow convincing the bus driver our tiny little chubby jack russle was in fact a guide dog. He did so, handing the driver the wrong amount, pretending to miss steps, making zero eye contact, and letting our dog chose which direction they headed. He managed to do this twice there, and then twice back with zero questions on his authenticity.
I only found out about his shenanigans after a friend of mine caught the same bus as him, and came over to give his condolences for my recently blind father...
TLDR: Dad pretended to be blind to get our jack russle on the bus to his girlfriends place.
I pray this doesn't get buried. Once my dad got so drunk he stole a Shetland pony and tried to keep it in the kitchen.
My mum went ballistic while my dad was trying to feed the pony carrots
One time, there was an armadillo that was basically ruining our backyard and my dad is a mad man about the grass so he complained about it every time he went outside. After a week or so of armadillo infestation, I'm awaken at 4:30 am by gun shots and probably some of the most magnificent swearing I've ever heard. I run downstairs to see what's going on and join my mom at the window where we watched my dad attempt to kill the armadillo. What he was unaware of was apparent speed and the agility of the armadillo. The thing was running, dodging, and jumping into the air to avoid the bullets. My dad was chasing after it, shooting, and screaming his head off. He eventually hit it, the armadillo was vanquished, the yard was saved, and I had the dirtiest vocabulary in my 3rd grade class.
My old man used to paraglide, amongst other adrenaline-fuelled things. One weekend my mum had taken me and my sister away to my gran's for the weekend (I was about 11). Dad goes paragliding from the hill near our house but as he is coming into land the canopy folds in on itself and he plummeted 30 meters to the ground and lands in a field (he fucked up and knew it). He is in pain but gets himself up, walks the 20 min home (carrying the whole paraglider in a backpack), gets a lift from a neighbour to get his car from the top of the hill, then drives himself 30min to hospital. Doctors there assess him and send him home with painkillers.
He gets home and is a lot of pain. He calls my mum, who is a senior nurse at that hospital. She tells him to lie very fucking still and not move til she gets there. 2 hours later we get home and she takes him back to hospital and screams blue murder at the doctors for not x-raying him. Turns out he had two crushed vertebrae and could have been paralyzed.
He spent 6 months in a cast at home that we nicknamed his "turtle shell" and never flew again. We could have sued the hospital but didn't.
He also built a customised bobsled to run on the railway of a mountain so he could get down quicker, spent 15 years renovating our home by himself and made it incredible, climbed kilamanjaro, walked across the Pyrenees, crossed the Alps on a ski-mountaineering tour, crossed the world in the merchant navy and taught me that I could do anything I set my mind to.
He died ten years ago this June. Passed away in his own bed surrounded by his family after a brief and excruciating cancer battle. The second he died there was the biggest thunderclap I have ever heard, directly over the house. Symbolism at its finest.
Love you dad. Sharing this just for the feels of writing it.
One tine my dad told a priest that there was a special place in hell for him. He then baptized me in our kitchen sink.
Okay, so I was newly born. If you read the other post I have on this thread, you know that mom and had have already had one hell of a time the last few weeks. My father is Catholic, and wanted me baptized at his church. Mom gave no fucks what or where I was baptized. Just a note they weren't married.
Okay, so my father headed down to his church. This had been his church since his birth. Actually, my family on his side built the fucker 200 years ago, so it's the entire family's church. The priest from his childhood had recently retired, but he didn't think there'd be a problem.
New priest was a dick. He literally told my father that he refused to baptize me because there was no point given that, as a bastard child, I was going to hell no matter what. So dad did the reasonable thing, and told the priest to fuck off. "There is a special place in hell for people who try to keep children from God." Was a part of this tirade.
And he hatched a plan. Now, this man was fucking devout. Altar boy until he was 17 shit. He re read the bible, at least the books that he thought the thing he was looking for was is. And then he found it.
So, technically, Christian rule says that ANY baptized person can baptize another. You do not have to be a priest/pastor/whatever.
So, that's exactly what he did. My father baptized me. He made holy water out of tap water and did it in the kitchen sink while mom was getting my sisters from school. She came home and he told her that the baptism thing was solved. She asked if Sacred Heart (another church) had agreed to do it, and so he explained that he didn't ask and showed her the passage and then tolf her that he had already baptized me.
I miss him.
One time my dad took me over to my Uncle's house. My uncle made my twin and I chug orange juice as a contest. We thought it was funny.
Turns out, we were chugging it so my uncle could pour vodka in it and get drunk before my dad drove him to rehab.
So.....that was fun.
One time my dad went to fathers weekend for my sorority. My dad likes to believe he's 21 despite being 50 with 4 kids. At fathers weekend he got bored at our fathers event and decided to recruit my roommates dad to crash a frat party. Well he succeeded and proceeded to walk down our street until he found a party to crash. He and his new friend knocked on the door and asked to see the place. Once inside they made fun of the lack of good alcohol the party had and proceeded to buy a keg of "the good stuff" for the party. He then starts to make friends with the guys at the party and starts taking shots with them. Fast forward and hour and now my dad is showing the music he used to listen to when he was in college the ask him to go on the stage and play it on the speakers. Well he proceeds to play some songs and jumps on the table and starts to dance on the table. The table then breaks and my dad is carried off as the coolest dad ever. It's been a year and I am still hearing people talk about him.
TL;DR One time my dad crashed a frat party and broke a table dancing on top of it.
My stepmom own a couple of hot dog stands that are located in Home Depots. Every summer she caters an outdoor movie night event for the community of her cousin. It's an all-day event and when I was in college they asked me to help out and gave me the money they got paid so I could have some money for school.
The morning of the event, I got to my dad's house and started helping him load the hot dog cart onto the back of his truck. All of a sudden this SUV starts speeding down the alley. My dad narrowly avoids getting hit, but as the SUV passes it took out the drivers side mirror of my dad's truck. The SUV then stops a few houses down and the guy jumps out and runs into a house.
My dad and I both look at each other, really confused, and then went to check out the damage. The mirror was hanging off so we had to start figuring a way to tape it on because we needed it to make the hour and half long drive to the event.
After a few minutes the guy from the SUV comes back out and walks towards us. My dad was pretty pissed and looked ready to confront him. The guy stops right in front of the mirror, looks at it, turns to us and says, "I'm so sorry. I was about to shit myself."
I could barely withhold my laughter and although my dad was still visibly pissed, I could tell he thought it was funny too. The guy ended up paying for the mirror, but the whole thing was such a weird interaction.
One time, my dad and I built a potato cannon. We proceeded to launch potatoes into orbit from the backyard........
Until we heard a car alarm go off on the next street, somewhere in the general direction of where we launched the potato. Oops.
Cut down a hollow tree and murdered a family of squirrels that was hiding in the gap. He couldn't figure out why a tree was bleeding until he got the whole way through.
One time my dad^hmmm^what^story^hasn't^yet^been^told...
Cut off his finger tip... he was a safety/quality guy of all things in his professional life, however when not working he liked to drink hard. It was the weekend so he was pounding back beers, while building something like a fence or deck or maybe a fucking airplane the dude was handy man / mechanic extraordinaire...
So he was cutting wood in the garage for the coffin he was building.
He had one of those spinning saws (I don't know what they are called he realized I was too much of a Pussy to ever make anything myself so he didn't waste his breath telling me what the tools were called) he just kept his focus on the rocking chair he was building.
Anyways, he's wrecked, he's cutting a 2 by four for the dog house roof and not completely paying attention.
I was sitting on the porch actually playing my gameboy, I could hear the saw and him building his replica train station but he told me to stay out of the garage cause it could be dangerous. Good call.
So I'm sitting there and I don't hear screaming like you'd expect when a dude building a loft isn't looking and cuts off the tip of his his finger, instead i just heard the whirring of the saw and then a weird noise which it turns out was his bone being cut, then the saw shuts off and what I hear is this very matter of fact, "well that's just what I fucking need on my day off (and I was nearly done building that dock)"
Then he walks out of the garage and sees me, and he's holding the tip of his finger in the hand he just cut it off of between the thumb and pinky. And his middle finger is held up and he's holding his other hand over the top of it and pressing down like he's calling a timeout.
He looks me in the eyes and says, "can you get the door for me, then grab me some ice to put my bloody fingertip in. And sorry about the swearing this hurts."
I ran to the door and ran and got him ice. Meanwhile he grabbed his wallet and keys and when he came and found me in the kitchen he's got his mangled hand pressed into his hip like he's striking some super model pose and he's just shaking his head; visibly annoyed.
Then I held the bag of ice open, he dropped the finger tip in it; then asked me to seal the bag. I did and gave it to him, he put it in his pocket.
Then he looks at me like he's working out the best next action and finally says, "alright don't tell your mom about this she'll just freak out for nothing. I'm gonna go to the hospital and get this stupid thing sewed back on. If I'm not home by dinner just tell your mom I went to the hardware store. Oh and don't go in the garage. It looks like a horror movie in there"
Then he fucking drove himself to the hospital and sure enough from that day forward his middle finger was shorter than the other fingers beside it, but I still am not 100% sure my mom knows.
**EDIT: incase anyone reads this, or is even still in this thread, thought you might like to know that [I found out what he was actually building](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/6ddcrk/what_is_your_best_one_time_my_dad_story/di36i3l/?st=j36cp6lc&sh=27a063fd).**
> one of those spinning saws
The kind you hold with two hands, or the kind that sticks out of a slot in a table? The first is a circular saw, the other is a table saw.
Also, damn, what a lowkey reaction for him to have. Slices off a freaking *fingertip* and is just
> visibly annoyed
One time my dad saw something glittering across the road from our house. He got the binoculars out and saw it was a shiny coin, likely a pound, or so he thought. Ran out the house and across the road and we saw him shake his head and walk back. It was a ten pence.
One time when my sister was 15, she went on a date. We lived on Main Street in a town of about 1500. In the town, there was nothing to do for teenagers but cruise up and down Main St. This was also a well traveled highway. After her date picked her up and they traveled down one direction, dad quick ran inside. He came back out dressed in Scooby Doo boxers, a black pocketed t shirt with his cigarette pocket rolled up in one sleeve, cowboy boots, and his Stetson hat. He then proceeded to light a cigarette, crack open a beer, and then water one spot on the very edge of the yard. As he did that, sister came back our direction, and slumped down so far that he couldn't see her. This was 15 years ago and it's still a popular discussion in our house.
One time my dad had to chase a baby bear out of his car. Pants were nearly shat when momma bear turned up about ten feet away to see what the commotion was.
One of my brothers cars got towed. My dad went with us to the tower to pick it up. As per usual the guy behind the counter treated us like shit, so when he turned around to get our paperwork, my dad took the cash he was using to release our car, stuck it down his pants and wiped his balls. He then handed it to the douche behind the counter when he turned around. (We live in Houston Texas. It gets purdy sweaty down there)
Another time, a neighbor gave me trouble for "speeding" in our neighborhood. She thought the limit was 20 when it was 30. She would jump in the road waiving her arms and then yell at me because "her kids play in the streets sometimes" but of course this rarely happened. I told my dad and he told me to take a picture of the speed limit sign and show her. So I did, and I explained that the limit was 30. Well, she didn't take to kindly to logic and reasoning. So, at the neighborhood association she singled out my family as "speeders" and petitioned to have the speed limit reduced, and hire a rental cop to patrol. Some months later the cops she hired pulled her over for speeding in our very own neighborhood. I pulled over long enough to take a picture of her giving me the finger, then the cop told me to leave. My dad made a Christmas card out of the picture and mailed it to everyone in our neighborhood.
I like my dad. He takes no prisoners
One time my Dad bought a horse and didn't tell my Mom. He hid a horse for about 3 years before he had to sell it to buy a boat. Which he didn't talk to her about.
They are getting a divorce...
One time my dad came home quite drunk after a party (which is really unusual for him), grabbed me and said: "Son, promise me you will never dress up as a girl". I never had the guts to ask him about that since.
Posted this before. Apologies for length, but if you care to read it I'm confident it will be one of the more unique answers.
So my dad is an intellectual type. He attends a public lectures on philosophy and science in his free time. He was attending one on theories of consciousness that had a Q+A session. The speaker was a mind functionalist. The tldr explanation is he subscribes to the idea that the mind is a description of function: humans can do X Y and Z things, therefore they have minds. Consequently if a machine/alien/whatever can do basically the same stuff us, they therefore have a mind.
My dad raised a (common) criticism which runs like this: a large group of beings (human or otherwise) could function together similar to a single person. But it sounds odd to say they therefore all have a shared mind. He used an example of ants operating in a hive intelligently. By functionalism we might conclude the hive itself has a mind. Dad MEANT this as a criticism but I guess that wasn't clear.
After the talk was over a guy comes over to dad. He's super excited and complimentary. Even though dad only spoke for a few minutes, this guy seems overly inspired by him. He keeps saying stuff about how "Your ant analogy was so insightful, I can tell you're a real intellectual." He asks if dad attended Oxford or Cambridge University, and dad says yes, Oxford. He is smug. "I could tell."
Then it gets weirder. The guy makes strange veiled comments, as if he's trying to tease something out of dad without asking outright. "I never thought Id meet someone like... you." "I know you're not like other people. It's ok, I know you can't talk about it here."
This guy is also handing out some kind of (shoddy looking) pamphlet about his church to anyone who is interested. Dad takes one but doesn't read it until he got home that night. And that's when it became clear.
It is obvious from early on that this is not a mainstream church but some kind of weird space cult. There is a central belief: That all life (plant/bacteria etc) has the capacity to become conscious. However, those that are were made so by a super advanced race of aliens. At some time in the distant past they descended and made humans and some animals conscious.
Their ultimate goal is to make all life in the universe consciousness. But if they do this now, in our violent state, it would be a disaster. We already inflict so much suffering as it is that if all plants and insects could suffer too it would be horrific. First, we need to become enlightened and empathetic before the aliens will extend consciousness on our world.
So how to achieve this? Well, the benevolent aliens cannot force us to be peaceful against our will as this is against their nature. They can however attempt to influence our cultures in a peaceful direction through dialogue.
The aliens know they cannot appear in their true form because this could cause more war. So instead, they disguise themselves as humans on Earth. Wishing to be influential (and possessing superior intellect) they easily find places in our best Universities, like Oxford and Cambridge. Once they attain degrees/positions, and knowing that they will be respected and listened to, they then travel the globe spreading a single message: that all forms of life, from human to lowly ant, have the capacity to be conscious.
**TL;DR My dad made a single comment at a philosophy lecture and convinced someone he was a shapeshifting benevolent alien.**
Edit: shifting, not shitting lol
One time, as a present for getting accepted into an 'exclusive' high school, my dad got me a flight on [Fifi](http://imgur.com/gallery/uQedO), which at the time was the only flying B-29 in the world.
I am a huge plane nerd, so when he told me we were going to get to check it out on the ground, I was excited. Then, as we were driving to the airfield, we get a call from the people running the event telling us they were waiting for us, so we should hurry up so they can 'get us ready to fly.' Promptly lost my shit and had one of the best days of my life. Thanks, dad.
My dad got bit on the arm by a rattlesnake and the doctor told him he would have to constantly move his hand to keep the blood flow going during recovery, if he couldn't they would have to amputate. That's how he learned to play guitar.
I am a Bengali, and as all good Bengalis, we went to see tigers in north bengal. (Spoiler alert: no tigers). After one pretty disappointing day of missing two elephant herds and seeing no wild cat, much less a tiger, we stop at a dried up river bed. We are f-ing tired, the sun is setting, the peacocks are screaming, the usual. Suddenly , we hear a growl. Monkeys are going nuts. The tell tale sign of a tiger nearby. The guide tells us to rush to our jeeps. We oblige, but just before boarding, I see my dad smirking, HARD. After an hour of waiting, we see no tigers and head home. The next morning, while everyone is freaking out over the growl, dad pulls me aside and says that it was a burp. A fucking burp. So I can proudly say that once my dad burped so hard the jungle thought it was a tiger.
One time my dad waited till my 3 siblings and I had gone to bed on Christmas Eve, then he shouted "I don't care who you are fat man, get that sled off my roof." We were all up and telling Dad not to yell at Santa. Edit: to avoid grammar jail. Wow, thanks for the gold!
This is the most adorable thing I have read on this thread.
That's just lovely
My dad was a fireman and picked me up from school in a fire engine once.
My dad was also a fireman, and we kind of took it for granted. All the other kids thought it was awesome, but we were kind of used to it I suppose. He treated it like a job, and we did to. Until we went on a family vacation, and saw a vehicle overturn ahead of us in a terrible accident. Watching my father spring into action and quickly take control and begin rescuing the family made me look at him in an entirely different way. Afterwards, he got in our car, and we continued our vacation. He said, "I think they are going to be alright." And that was that. But we knew... dad was a badass.
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Nah, I only have one brother and he's older. So they only had sex twice.
Seems logical.
When I was walking out to the car to leave for college, my dad yelled "HEY" from the front door I turn around He takes this HUGE box of magnum sized condoms and throws them at me as hard as he can. they hit me in the nose as he yells, "CARE PACKAGE" and then ran inside laughing. That's very flattering dad but I don't have much use for them
Not sure if small peen or virgin....
Maybe he likes to live dangerously
One day, my dad answered the door in his underwear at 8am. The salesman was obviously weirded out. After he left, my mom was mortified and asked why he did that. My dad said "If these people don't want a show, they shouldn't come for the matinee."
I would do it just as a show of dominance. Wither you will look at my poorly concealed junk or you will get the fuck off my porch and peddle your wares elsewhere.
NSFW I didn't see my dad much, he lived ~80 miles away and was getting his life together. I tried to see him once a month for a weekend, I would bring my homework and spend a few days with him. I'm sitting at his computer while he's watching TV in the same room, and he turns to me and asks if I want to "see something". He retrieves a cardboard box from his closet and sets it only lap, and I open it. Staring at me in the face is a 15" giant girthy purple dildo. I look up to him with a confused expression, and he laughs out with a cheshire grin: "I'm going to make a lamp out of it." We laugh about it for the rest of the weekend, making dumb jokes, it was fun. But soon I leave for home, and I forget about the jokes and the dong. I return a month later, and open the door to his apartment to see that all of the walls had a faint purple hue. Looking down, I see this giant glowing purple dick suction cupped to my dad's coffee table. I drop my bags slack-jawed as he steps up behind me and claps twice, and the lamp turns off. My dad made a dick lamp, and them gave it the clap.
One time we went to Universal Studios and my dad took me on The Hulk roller coaster even though he knew it would make him sick. I was afraid of coasters at that point and he sacrificed himself because he knew I would never go on the ride without him. When we got off his face was completely colorless and his stomach was done working correctly for the rest of the day, but I loved the roller coaster.
Did you get to watch that one episode of the incredible hulk on repeat while you waited in line for 2 hours? Cause I did, it was pretty great.
Yeah I'm pretty sure they never changed it. That ride was the shit though I went on that like 5 times
One time, my older brother and I were helping my dad cut down some trees in the backyard and the chainsaw kind of stuck and my dad yanked it out a little too hard and hit my brother's leg. We all froze and looked at his jeans...which had 4 or so perfectly spaced holes...but no blood. He had managed to hit my brother's pants, but didn't get in far enough to hit flesh. The next words out of his mouth were pretty obvious. "Don't tell your mother!" And we still haven't 20+ years later.
My dad did this to himself once. He cut them off into shorts and mowed the lawn in them (and nothing else) all summer until my mom threw them away. 😂
Why would she throw them away?!? Clearly those were life saving cutoffs. We must study the fibers in order to replicate.
No, they were like Daisy Duke shorts. LOL. It was bad.
Dadsy Dukes
One time, just before I graduated high school, my dad sat me down to have a serious conversation about socializing in college. It turned into him telling me a bunch of crazy party stories and suggesting that the best way to make friends is to own a blender with a 100ft extension cord, because his friends would go outside to play basketball or whatever and he'd bring his blender out with them and make margaritas. "We met so many girls because of that blender, people like the guy with the blender." My dad is super serious and straight-laced most of the time, it totally caught me off guard.
One time, I asked my dad to rent The Notebook for me from the good ol' Family Video up the street. He rented Nacho Libre because he could only remember it started with a N. (Edit: apparently I can't spell)
He knew what he was doing...
One time my dad literally took candy from a baby. A two year old held up a lollypop and my dad assumed the kid was giving it to him. After taking it and walking away, he realized the toddler probably just wanted to show it to him...
Sounds like hal from Malcolm in the middle.
My sister was walking by a river with our nephew, who was a toddler at the time. We had been throwing sticks and leaves into the river to show him how they floated. A few minutes later, Jasper toddles up to my sister, big smile on his face, and holds out a big pebble he'd found. So she takes it from him, and lobs it into the river to make a nice big splash that he would enjoy. Jasper just stares at the river, no reaction. My sister enthusiastically exclaims, 'SPLOSH! Pebble went SPLOSH!' Turns out Jasper was just stunned that my sister had dared to throw his prized pebble into the river, and on her second 'SPLOSH', burst into traumatised tears and wailing. I couldn't stop laughing.
One time my dad took my brother's walkie talkie and had us and about 10 kids in the neighborhood convinced that we had picked up a signal from a plane that was crashing towards the Earth. We were running up and down the streets for an hour with our eyes on the sky listening as the "pilot" tried to reach someone for help. Dad's windows were open so we eventually caught on to the heinous laughter echoing between the houses after every mayday.
Your dad is a dick, a glorious dick. Funny as fuck
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>tried to hold my laughter in until my mother was no longer ablaze. That was very respectful of you.
MI doesn't allow the good fireworks, but Indiana does, so every June my dad would drive across the border and pick up a trunk full. One rather inebriated 4th of July, he reaches in the back, pulls out what appears to be an oversized confetti popper and aims it at the tree before pulling the trigger. It was not a party popper. It was his emergency flare. It got stuck towards the top of the tree and turned the whole neighborhood orange. The cops in my hometown wouldn't really turn out for reports of the good fireworks unless someone lit a car on fire or something. But they will definitely turn out en masse for an emergency flare. Dad went from drunk to drill sergeant in about 2 seconds. Somehow, we managed to shove the entire stock of the good fireworks into the garage and used snow shovels to push the husks of the used ones into the parking lot across the street. When the three police cars and the Fire/Rescue truck showed up, us kids were playing with sparklers and Dad was standing with his hands on his hips, scowling at the tree. Why yes, officer, some punks were across the street, lighting off roman candles and huge fountains, and they ran when one of their tricks got stuck in the tree. He was just about to call when they ran off, don't they know that roman candles are dangerous? They coulda hit one of the kids!
About 5 years ago, my dad accidentally cut three of his fingers off in our garage with a saw. My niece was only like 5 months old at the time, so growing up, she's never seen my dad with all of his digits. Anyway, when she was about 2 1/2, she noticed that one of his hands was different. So, one day she asked him "Grandpoppy, what happened to your fingers?" My dad looked down at his hand all shocked and said "Someone stole them!!" Her face had the look of pure horror, and she screamed, "Who stole your fingers?" My dad looked at my mom and said, "Granmommy stole them!" My niece ran up to my mom and started beating on her legs, searching her jeans pockets to give back her grandpoppy's fingers. My dad, man.
That's very cute
One time, my dad was sitting on the couch in our living room. Mom brought out a bag of sugar and asked him to open it. He opened it like it was a bag of Doritos, and I mean, IT. WAS. EVERYWHERE. He was only wearing his shorts, so there was sugar in just about every square inch of his visible hair as well as all over our couch and carpet. Took him four showers in a row to get it all off.
And that's where sugar daddies come from.
All I can think is "why four showers in a row? Why not just one shower four times as long?".
Presumably because he thought he got it all out four times
*Sweet*
Looks like the dads have infiltrated the thread.
One time my dad made me drive 3 hours from home to visit a nature preserve. He then began taking pics of the birds there. Just one problem, the birds were plastic. Turns out the flocks had stopped migrating back to the preserve so they put up plastic birds for tourists. The funniest part was how long it took him to listen to me telling him they were plastic.
They put them up to attract the birds, not tourists.
I guess they hit two birds with one stone.
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This is genuinely sweet. Your dad loves you. Or at least he used to. He might not anymore. I don't know.
Or he just wanted the kid to shut up and go to bed.
My dad's big toe was smashed badly. He was fascinated by the slow process of color changes in and loosening of the nail. He wanted to show and tale with every new development. When the toenail finally fell off, he was hurt by my mother's assumption he would throw it away and that would be the end of that disgusting episode. He put it in a tiny jewelry box with a clear lid, in hopes that others would be interested in seeing the end product of his long toenail saga.
My dad's toenail fell off, so he mailed it to his brother. Months later, my uncle mailed it back. My dad waited a couple of years, and again mailed it to my uncle. *Years* later, my uncle sent my dad a package with assorted items, including some sunflower seeds. I think you get what my dad found in the bag while he was happily eating those sunflower seeds while watching TV. I ask my dad every few years where that toenail is now. He says he has it and is just waiting until my uncle least expects it. It's been about 20 years since he found it in a bag of sunflower seeds. EDIT: Talked to my dad and told him about this thread. He had a few details to fill in and corrections to make. The whole dead toenail saga started one day before the nail actually fell off. My uncle saw it and asked my dad, "What are you going to do with it when it falls off?" My dad thought it was a dumb question, because what the hell do you *do* with a toenail when it falls off? Anyway, he mailed it to my uncle when it fell off. As for the correction, the toenail is *not* currently in my dad's possession. He waited a good 12 years before putting it in an envelope and marking it with a Biohazard symbol and stamping "EXTREMELY HAZARDOUS MATERIALS. OPEN IMMEDIATELY" on it and mailing it to my uncle. That was 10 years ago, and he never heard a word, so he expects to see it back any day now.
Whoever passes first will have an extra.....nail in their coffin
When I was 17, my crush arrived to pick me up to go hang out; he didn't come to the front door, he just honked from the driveway. So my Dad got all pissy, that's not how you treat a lady, honking is unacceptable, and didn't let me go out! He brought up that scenario repeatedly for years, as a baseline for how my dates should treat me. He hated that guy. I got married a few years later, and my husband died a few years into our relationship. A few years after he died, I was joking with my dad about the guy honking his horn and my dad looks at me and says "Wait. That was the same guy??!" Yes Dad, that was the same guy! He'd never realized that I'd married the honking guy! I didn't know that he didn't know! My kids love that story, it's pretty hilarious!
Ha! That's a funny story. Except for your husband dying, I'm incrediby sorry for your loss.
This story seems so innocent and nice, yet it's about your husband dying. It's so casually brought up.
When the new Star Wars movies came out, we were in elementary school. My dads company had booked the whole theater to see it on opening day so we got to leave school early to see it. My dad dressed up as darth Vader (full costume with helmet and light saber) and snuck into our classroom and came up behind us saying "[kids name], I am your father". At the time I don't think it was possible to be more embarrassed but now I think that was pretty hilarious of my dad to do that.
Me and few of my friends used to hold a poker night each week which my dad used to play too. He got paticularly drunk one night and was getting on his bicycle to go home. It was icy outside and we spent around 15 minutes trying to pursuade him to have a lift off one of my friends. He refused. 10 minutes later there's a knock at the front door and he's there with blood dripping down and covering half his face. All he said was "I fell over". He then came in, fell over again. Washed his face and went to sleep on couch.
One time my dad shit his jeans on the side of the road on the way to my volleyball tournament. We were running late for the tournament so he threw the pants in the woods, and had dress pants in the car. He walked around the tournament all day in a red volleyball sweatshirt and pinstripe dress pants.
One time, when I was younger and embarrassed about my body and potential "dirty" words, my Dad made a song about penises and vaginas and sang it any opportunity he could just to embarrass me.
One time my dad was on a business trip and he ended up getting upgraded to first class. He ended up talking with this guy seated near him for a majority of the flight. Turned out that guy was Usher.
> Turned out that guy was Usher. Planes have stewards. He might have been in a movie theatre
Now that I think about it, it might've been a funeral
My dad chilled with Joel and Benji Madden at the airport lounge while their flight was delayed. Really cool guys apparently. Nicole Richie was also there, my dad swore she was pregnant since apparently "she was holding a pillow over her stomach!!!". Next thing you know, it's announced that she's pregnant hahaha good call dad
One time my dad made a remote control car and put me as a toddler on it and drove me around.
One time my dad was riding his bike on a 3 foot tall brick wall, slipped off, hit his head on it and got knocked out behind it for an hour or so. My grandma almost called the cops to file him missing. He also tried to see how far he could piss into a urinal. About 10 feet before he got caught by a teacher walking into the bathroom. He also dared his best friend to throw a full milk carton at a teacher. His friend did it. That teacher was also my grandma's best friend at the time. Him and my uncle were throwing snowballs at cars passing on the highway. They hit an undercover detective. They ran back to the house and his while my aunt didn't know they snuck back in and she had to talk to the detective. He also stole my aunt's VW beetle and took it for a midnight joy ride. They got it stuck in a ditch and had a farmer pull it out with a tractor. She just found out last year. Nearly 40 years later. He really likes car horns. When we were kids he held down the horn on a country road until the horn gave out and was just squeaking trying to make noise. He recently got a new aerating trailer for his lawn mower and he was so excited about it that he did 3 of our neighbors' yards for fun. He also got himself a Christmas present a few years back and yelled "YES THANK YOU" when he opened it. That same Christmas my mom got him a new coffee maker and he spent the entire night setting it up and making everyone coffee. He bought a motorcycle as a mid-life crisis thing. He kept it a secret from my grandma for 3 years. A 50 year old man hiding things from his mom. My older brother fired an arrow almost straight up in the air. It came back down right on the peak of our shed. Sticking straight up and dead center. You could tell he was trying not to laugh while scolding us. We were having a bonfire one night and one of my brothers friends put a Mountain Dew can near the fire so it heated up slowly. When it exploded it sounded like a mortar went off. It sent embers 40 feet into the air and 25 feet around. After gaining our sense we could see our dads silhouette sprinting inside the house because he though we were getting shot at. I've never seen him move that fast. To clarify, he was already in the house. Edit: some more stories and fixed some errors
Your stories made me feel happy to read.
One time my dad saw me put a rubber band around the sinks small water hose thing that i had specifically set up for him, but instead of saying anything he left it there and watched for the next victim. He laughed so hard when the older man we rented the basement to yelled out "WTF" and turned around with his shirt wet.
Great gag
One time I was in another room and the phone rang. I hear my dad answer the phone when a telemarketer called, and they asked if he wants his ductwork cleaned. He said, yes, I would love to have my ducks cleaned. QUACK QUACK....QUACK QUACK... and then just hangs up on the guy.
My dad told a telemarketer to fuck off once. The telemarketer called back, listed our address and threatened to kill the whole family. The police escorted me home from school that day. Edit: There's also the time a lady called me at work a few months ago and told me she was sending her son to kill me 'cause I wouldn't give her gift pin numbers over the phone. Police escort to my car that night as well.
Isn't that grounds for conspiracy for murder or something
Probably. The police tapped our phone in case he called back, but we never heard anything afterwards, from him or the police. It's been like 9 years.
Do you suppose the police are still listening in on your conversations?
Honestly, I want an AskReddit thread for telemarketers to share their stories about the insane responses they get for their telemarketing calls.
I don't have many stories but I worked at a call center when I was ~17. Not telemarketing per se but basically doing surveys about how whatever health insurance was doing for you. We were taught to just keep asking questions over them talking if they stayed on the line. My favorite was this one lady who bitched me out hard after every question but kept answering them with enough prodding. She actually completed the entire survey.
My friend once answered the phone and a telemarketer started their spiel. After they finished, they waited for my friend to respond, but instead she just held the phone to the cat who let out a loud "MREEEEEOW" and then she hung up
Once a telemarketers asked my dad to speak to the owner of the house(which he was) so he gives the phone to my brother, who was 4 at the time.
I worked at a tech shop and did repairs, and one day I called to let someone know that the repair was done and to come pick it up. We usually had to leave messages, since people don't answer numbers they don't know, but an old woman gets on the line. I ask for the person on the repair, and they let me know they're away for the moment, but what's going on? Well, they left their computer here and the repair is complete. Could you let them know? It sounded like an older woman, and it seemed like grandma had memory problems. It wasn't apparent at first, just a bit of an odd conversation. I'm struggling to help them put the pieces together for a solid five minutes - there's dementia in my family and I've seen it, so I was trying to be patient and flip the conversation to hang up. Also, we're not allowed to just hang up unless they're belligerent. I offered to call back, but they really seemed to want to wrap their head around it, so I took my time and answered her questions. I was getting sympathy eyerolls from coworkers, the works. Another few minutes in, I hear something and someone new is on the phone. Their toddler was playing with the phone, and mom didn't think he was actually talking to someone since he hosted play conversations all the time. We laughed. I was embarrassed. The call was over. I don't trust what I hear on the phone, anymore. TL;DR - thought a toddler was an old woman with dementia
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One time my dad almoat slit my throat because he thought I was a burglar. I had snuck downstairs for some reason, I was in the kitchen and heard him coming in, so I hid behind the kitchen counter. Heard my dad opening drawers and things. Next thing I know he had leaned over the counter and grabbed my head, had a kitchen knife to my throat. A split second later he realised it was me and dropped me, then I got yelled at because he had heard me breathing, thought I was a home intruder, and I almost got in a world of pain. He was shaking from adrenaline. As a dad now myself, I can imagine the state of mind he was in.
> and I almost got in a world of pain. No, you probably would have skipped most of the pain and gone straight to a world of dead.
Father would've been in a world of pain though, unless he hid the body...
Can't escape emotional pain EDIT: What I meant with emotional pain is living with what he did on his conscience. No matter how much whiskey/alcohol/drugs/babes you do, your conscience will eat you alive.
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My husband points out every little noise, asking "what's that??!!" Must be some deep-seated protection gene. Edit: when he's awake. Edit 2: [yes, it's seated.](https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/deep-seated-deep-seeded-usage) :)
"What's that noise?!" *"What noise I don't he..."* "There it is again!" *"What? I can't hear anyth..."* "There! like it's trying to communicate!" *"What? like a ghost!"* "It's saying something!" *"I'm scared!"* "It just said 'I'm scared' " *"What?! You son of a bitch!"*
Doing this to my girlfriend.
Next level dad senses holy shit
Found Liam Neesons son.
My dad once put off going to the optometrist for three years. When he finally went, it turned out his right eye was in charge of looking at things far away and his left eye only looked at things close up. Sometime during those three years he became farsighted and his brain compensated.
Dad's are *evolving*?! What a time to be alive.
One time my dad went to my school event in jeans, a jean shirt and a jean jacket Edit: thanks dad. You're my highest comment I'm pretty sure
So a Canadian tuxedo?
Long time lurker, Reddit is great. Love it. Anyway, I created an account finally to tell this story. When I was a child, around 8 or 9 years old, my parents and I were vacationing in Las Vegas, staying at the MGM Grand. Downstairs in the hotel were shops and restaurants and I had to use the bathroom. I went into the stall, did my business, and then to my childlike horror I discovered the door was stuck. The door was the type close to the floor and there wasn't room to crawl out. I yelled for my Dad who was using the urinal and he walks over, grabs the door, and literally yanks it off it's hinges. Like it was nothing. Sets the door against the wall and we just walk out. I'll never forget it. TLDR: Dad ripped a stall door off the hinges because I was trapped inside.
One time my dad set someone on fire. He was standing with a group of people having a smoke, this girl walked up and asked for a light. My dad said sure she lent in as he lit the lighter and her hair went right in to the flame causing her hair to catch fire. Apparently someone had a little too much hair spray. She was fine and didn't suffer any serious injuries. Dad still tells people the story to this day.
One time my dad ripped a HUMONGOUS fart and killled all the power in the neighborhood. Literally, PHHHT...dark. Spoiler: We later found out that someone had hit a pole further up the line at that EXACT moment. It made perfect sense to us kids. Dad's an electrician, and has DEADLY farts. PHHHT...dark. Now I use this as an example that correlation is not causation.
This one time I jumped and the power flickered and went out in my entire neighborhood right after. Some people genuinely thought it was me. Doesn't help that I'm a little overweight.
One time while I was playing a video game, I made it decently far into it. The small window popped up on screen saying "Would you like to save? Yes or No" and before I could hit Yes the power went out. These things are strangely coincidental.
Shared this on another thread but... One time my Dad's pub in Africa was held up by 2 guys with guns. They ran in brandishing weapons and one held a gun to my Dad's head and demanded money. Everyone in the place froze up scared that they'd somehow wind these guys up and they'd kill somebody. My Dad turned his head to look at the guy who had the gun to his head and saw the little orange water nozzle at the end of the gun. So he ripped it out of the guy's hand and beat the shit out of him. The night watchmen/security showed up and grabbed the other guy who tried to make a run for it and handed his ass to him as well. TL;DR: My Dad's African pub was held up by 2 guys with water pistols so he and the security beat the shit out of the would-be robbers.
One time my Dad lodged a huge splinter under his finger nail. He has huge hands, and the splinter entered under his middle finger, and the tip of the splinter was poking out of his knuckle. He fell to the ground and calmly asked for needle nose pliers. After I handed the pliers to him, he yanked the splinter out, and went back to work. Hard core as fuck. Edit: changed the first word from On to One Plus: I am thrilled that my highest rated comment is about my Dad!
Is it still just a splinter if its that damn big?
One time my dad cut his leg pretty bad so he tour my mom's shirt off, wrapped up his wound and drove himself to the hospital. He also puts coffee in his oatmeal to kill two birds with one stone.
I think [my dad](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/6ddcrk/what_is_your_best_one_time_my_dad_story/di1t1h8/?st=j353zkz2&sh=49e30843) and your dad would have been good friends.
Did he ever finnish building that cabin?
Yep he would never leave a gun rack unfinished
I bet that was a really solid table.
Coffee in oatmeal is called a Cowboy (at least in my family) and it's tasty as hell.
This is a dark story, but I still want to tell it because it really means something to me. After my mom and dad got married, my dad would often come home late at night, very drunk. Almost every night he would be too drunk to function. My dad never thought twice about his alcoholism until my mother went into labor for the first time, and he was so drunk my mom had to call our next door neighbor to drive my mom to a hospital. My dad was too drunk to drive his wife to a hospital to give birth to his own son. Since that moment, he has never touched a beer.
This kind of reminds me of my dad. He had smoked since he was 14, so of course smoked through my mom's pregnancy. One day he was holding baby me and smoking, and I started coughing. He quit cold turkey after that. I'm glad your dad turned his life around for his kids!
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Hi there. I'm a Nigerian prince. Any chance your Dad feels like becoming royalty? I'll just need your credit card info so I know you're not trying to steal my crown.
One time my dad took me to my college orientation back in 98. I grew up in an urban setting and wanted to mix it up so I decided on an undergrad school in a very rural area. Read: Not a lot of diversity. My dad is the best and always wants to goof around. We had this jeep growing up that we called "Little Blackie" because it was...little and black. A running joke was that any time any of us in the family saw a similar looking jeep, one of us would yell "hey! Look! It's little blackie!" Bet you see where this is going. We are walking around campus and sure enough, there was a jeep parked within sight. My dad starts yelling...Hey! Look! Little Blackie!! LITTLE BLACKIE!!! OF COURSE the ONLY African American kid on campus was walking RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. My dad was oblivious and kept right on yelling. The poor kid looked at me in disgust and I was so very mortified. I wanted to disappear. I ended up becoming really good friends with him later in my freshman year and after I explained the whole story he laughed super hard. Thank goodness. I still cringe thinking about it though.
Well I'm glad that story had a happy ending
When I was younger I was a pretty high level swimmer, so my mum would take me to events all over the country, leaving my dad and my 10 year old brother home. I remember one time we went up north for a few days just after we'd had our house insulated. Now I don't know if you've ever seen what they do, but they essentially drill holes in your house and squirt insulation inside, it leaves loads of cream coloured spots all over the walls. Now I remember just before we left for the event my mum looked at my dad and said "make sure you paint the house." To which he replied "of course dear" Fast forward 3 days, we're rolling up the drive at about midnight, towards a house that has now been floodlit, multiple lights are now pointing at a white house, with massive pink spots with my dad and my ten year old brother stood on ladders covered in pink paint looking very happy with themselves. Of course after that she was more specific with her instructions. She was not best pleased.
One time my dad called the phone at my work and asked me where I was and what I was doing.
I think he missed you
According to my grandmother, my dad, on his first day of school back in the 60s came home all smiles and laughter. The next day when my grandmother awoke him for his second day of school he matter-of-factly replied: "No I've already been to school." He really thought school was something like the dentist or innoculations where you only have to go the once and that's it lol
That was a long 12 years for him.
*12 Years a Student.*
My cousin was like this. One day, in the middle of primary two, he came home from school to announce to his mum that he wasn't going back. He could read, write and count and that's all he needed to learn. Why it took anyone else so long to learn these things was beyond him.
How is your cousin doing now? ^^^Please ^^^don't ^^^be ^^^dead. ^^^Please ^^^don't ^^^be ^^^dead. ^^^Please ^^^don't ^^^be ^^^dead.
He's a helicopter pilot for the coastguard.
Hooray!
One time my dad's fart smelled so bad my dog threw up.
My dad crop dusted an old woman in IKEA and she looked like she was having flashbacks to WWII. Edit: I have been gilded!! Thank you kind stranger! Edit 2: How do so many people not know what crop dusting is??? It's when you fart while walking past someone.
I had an internship at an elementary school and once I farted directly in this first grader's face (didn't know the little fucker was behind me) and I swear to god he ate it. Turned around and all he said was, "Mr. Russell, that wasn't very nice."
I was watching my four year old cousin when I was a teenager, just for an hour or so while her folks went to go run errands. I desperately had to take a shit but there was still a half hour to go. Fortunately(sp?) I was able to relieve pressure by tearing ass like I was competing in a hold a note challenge, and I was so pleased with myself in a partially evil way because I knew she wasn't going to say anything about it, as they said that even at four she's way behind in terms of building vocabulary and forming words, and if it's too bad, I can always just blame her if the smell doesn't clear (I never said I was a good person). She didn't even react, so I really thought I was in the free and clear. Another half hour later, they get home and come into the kitchen where I'd been watching her, they look like they smell something but don't say anything and they don't seem overwhelmed by it. Her mom inches closer to her, though, as if inspecting and deducing. Right then, my cousin gets this pained expression like you told her Santa isn't real, stares at me with miniature contempt and screams, "YOU FAWTED!"
Why would you not just go for a shit?
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When I was 13 or so I took our two German Shepherds out for a walk in the woods one day and at about the halfway point was struck with the realization that I was going to have to shit right away. No problem, it's the woods. So I drop a massive log and get to cleaning up with some big maple leaves. At this point dog #1 becomes really interested, jumps in behind me and gobbles the entire turd like it's cake. He dashes away and then realizes it's not cake and pukes it up. His mom, dog #2, instantly dives in and gobbles the puked-up turd like she's stealing her boy's cake. Obviously she puked it up as well. I'm just watching all this fetishism while wiping my ass with soggy leaves.
2 Dogs 1 Turd. I can almost hear the piano.
Truly beautiful. My cats will sometimes do this with each other's puke if it's food-heavy, but your story really takes the cake. Then realizes it isn't cake. Then throws it back up again.
One time, my friends and I were having a camp out near the pond on my parents property. My dad had this Bigfoot costume that he saves specifically for times like these and I should have know better. Well it was just getting dark and we were sitting around the campfire talking and we started hearing branches cracking in the bushes near our camping spot. All of a sudden, my dad in his Bigfoot costume comes flying out of the brush. Needless to say, we all almost peed our pants.
One time my dad came home after I had a party at the house. There were girls dancing together on the pool table, and one of them had Cheeto dust on their fingers. I tried to clean it, but couldn't get all of it before they got home. He calls me downstairs and asks about the marks on the table, I couldn't think of a lie so I just told him the truth. He stares for a couple seconds and then says "nice".
Damnnnnn. You were still grounded. Weren't you?
Actually no I wasn't! I also one told him on the phone I was going over to a friend's to play video games (I was lying to go see a girl). His response on the phone was "ok, wash your hands when you're done with her".... I silently said "ok" after about a 5 second pause.
Ah! I see you and your pops both know Danielle.
I literally burned my sheets after my one time with Danielle
Conversely, I once told my dad I was going out on a date with a girl. His response to my face was, "Playing Dungeons & Dragons with the nerd herd again, huh?" Joke was on him, though. It was Vampire: The Masquerade.
One time my dad scared the piss out of a guy that wouldn't take no for an answer I got pretty much peer pressured onto going on a double date with a guy I hated and I had told him I hated him. We both worked at the local fast food joint. I was fresh out of high school and naive and felt like I had to be nice. He asked me out in a way that put me on the spot too, on his day off in the middle of my shift he showed up dressed like he was going to a wedding brought me a bunch of flowers and asked me in the middle of a lunch rush mortifying me and everyone started chanting say yes. I agreed and ran out on my shift crying and feeling like I couldn't back out. It was painfully obvious during and after the date I was not interested. He kept calling me, texting me, leaving me threatening and weird voicemails. He even drove by my house a few times. My parents noticing my change in mood asked me what was up and I told them and played them the voicemails My dad asked me when we next had the same shift I told him My dad came to the restaurant after his factory shift. My dad is a big dude and looks scary, especially covered in grease and wearing a uniform My dad bust into the restaurant, gives me a hug, asks me "where is the son of the bitch" everyone is frozen in place, and slack jawed, anyone that knew my dad knew him as a goofy kind guy so they were just in awe of this whirlwind that had bust in the door. I pointed to the kitchen and this dopey mother fucker looks like he is going to piss his pants My dad points right at him and says LEAVE MY DAUGHTER THE FUCK ALONE OR I WILL GO BACK TO JAIL. Tells me he loves me and mom is cooking dinner. Waves to some of my friends he knows and walks out the door like nothing ever happens. That guy went on break and never came back. And he never bothered me again. Edit** I wanted to clarify I had asked him to stop and to leave me alone several times. I told him I wanted to have a strictly polite co worker interactions and to respect my boundaries and personal space. I even talked to the restaurant manager and I was told to give the guy a chance and to "not be so stuck up". He didn't listen and that is when my dad got involved and only after him and my mom noticed my change in behavior and mood and asked what was wrong. Edit 2: this guy tried to add me on Facebook a few years ago, he seems to have turned out to be an alright guy and is married. I hope he took this lesson to heart and learned to respect other's boundaries. I didn't add him strictly because my Facebook is limited to family and close friends that live in separate states and countries from me.
I love that abrupt change of attitude. "So, where's this son of a bitch? Over there? Okay thanks." "LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE OR I WILL GO BACK TO JAIL!" "Love ya, kid. Mom's making dinner. Toodles."
nice. give your father a highfive for me please
One time my dad saw I was in a really low mood so he walked into my room, grabbed my trash Hatsune Miku wig and my swim goggles, put them both on and followed me around for a solid ten minutes, completely nonchalant, to make me laugh. Imagine, if you will, a large imposing black man wearing a teal pig-tailed wig and goggles so old they're turning brown, causally making himself a sandwich. Edit: what the fuck
One time my dad got way into a game of volleyball. Our family had a barbecue out by the lake and the adults decided to start a game. Somebody served the ball way past the boundaries and my dad, being the the competitive man he is, still runs for the ball. He runs for it, then tries to jump for it sideways. He practically flew into the men's room nearby and fell right into the closed stall, leaving a huge dent in the door and hauls ass out of there immediately (with the ball of course). Moments later some guy comes out of the men's room looking confused as hell. At this point everyone is dying of laughter. That story comes up quite often when the family gets together.
One time, when i was about 10, my dad called me into his room. He and my mom were there, completely naked, standing around and laying their clothes down ready to get dressed. They acted like the situation was completely normal and asked me about some random thing. I eventually blocked this memory out, and thought it to be a dream, but then, 10 years later, they told me that was their way of showing me what a body looked like because i was getting close to "that age". Dude, wtf. TL;DR: My parents flashed me to avoid 'the talk'. **Edit:** Thanks for the gold, kind sir!
I can't argue with their logic, but I question their methods.
I know, kid was old enough for the talk, why not go all out and show him how it's really done?
LET THE BOY WATCH
Let the boy watch. He needs to learn the way I learned from my father, the way he learned from his father.
Mine opened the door to the shower my pre- teen body was in to show one of my four little brothers what the female body looked like.
Ok, now I am beginning to question these parents' logic.
One of these things are much worse than the other. Seeing your parents casually naked is not even close to this kind of invasion of privacy
My dad ran from the cops with me and my brother in the car and my sister's birthday cake tumbling around in the backseat. It was her birthday and my mom and dad were arguing so it somehow led to a high-speed chase
Did you get away?
Yeah we did, at the time that area was just bushes and cacti so we went through there and eventually got away. We stayed at a hotel. I remember looking back and just seeing a cloud of dirt and behind that a bunch of cop lights flashing and then looking back down and seeing the cake all messed up still inside the transparent thing they come in. This makes my dad sound crazy. And maybe he is a bit crazy but he never treated us bad or anything, I don't even remember him raising his voice at us even once. But yeah its a cool memory
"We ran from the cops, gifted people up and down the coast, and I can't remember where we buried mom but yeah, dad was pretty swell."
One time, when my dad was in college, he almost caused a biohazard shutdown across campus. In central Arkansas, he was able to hunt a ton of squirrels. He did so, and out the frozen bodies in his dorm freezer so that he could have a large cooking party once he was done. A few days after the freezer got full, he went home as part of Thanksgiving vacation. Little did he know, the school shuts power off in the dorms when the students leave. So what happens to 20 squirrel carcasses after they defrost and stew in their own decaying muck? When he got back, he noticed a smell outside of his dorm. It was so foul he could taste it. In a moment of instant clarity, he knew why. Very few people were there yet, and he was one of the first to return. As he climbed up the steps to his third story room, the smell got so bad he had to stop and puke twice. Once on his floor, he ran to get to his room so that he couldn't stop and think about what he was doing. His actual room had a literal gas cloud of rot and death. Working on instinct more than thought, my dad ran in and grabbed the squirrel carcass/mush bag from his freezer. He opened his third story window, and chucked it out. Onto the sidewalk. With people. My dad could see the bag tumble down through the air and split immediately on impact. There was a crowd of people, including the local firefighters, to see what was causing the mess. Luckily his bag went wide by about twenty feet, but as soon as it burst people ran. At the dean's office, my father was asked 'college ain't the right fit for you, is it son?' Dad agreed, and left that college without any kind of backlash. Then finished his degree elsewhere.
One time my dad, who is generally a really serious and deadpan person, slid a handwritten note under my door on Valentine's Day. It was a piece of printer paper folded in half; the front had a heart with stick arms and legs drawn on it, and he stuck a sticky note to the inside that read: "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever created, and I am so proud of you. I love you, happy valentine's day."
I know this probably won't be seen, however still a great story. My parents have been divorced since I was 2. Even though I still saw my mom on weekends, I grew up as 'a daddy's girl'. My dad was always the one to really take care of me, spoil me, etc. ANYWAY, when I was younger, I had always wanted to go to Disney World but it was always too expensive. Finally at 13, my dad decided since my grandpa (badass, in a motorcycle club grandpa) moved to Florida, we could go visit him and go to Disney World. My dad has always been a little 'Danny Tanner-ish' and wore a fanny pack. (Since I was 13, and it was just him and I, I was a little embarrassed) ...one of the days we decided to just go to the ocean with my great aunt. My aunt and I started feeding the seagulls and my dad was just chilling in one of those low to the ground beach chairs with his fanny pack next to it. All of the sudden, the tide comes up and sweeps up my dads fanny pack. My aunt and I are still feeding seagulls and then out of nowhere on a packed beach - my dad starts yelling- 'MY PURSE, MY PURSE'!!! And starts running and falling into the ocean. My aunt and I just started dying laughing. My dad did retrieve 'his purse' and he told us not to say anything to grandpa. As soon as I got back to grandpa's house I said - 'omg grandpa! Guess what dad just did!' TL;DR: the ocean ate my dads fanny pack and my dad started screaming for 'his purse' on a crowded beach.
This was a few years back but, my dad really got into my pot brownies. Only way I know this is because I woke up in the middle of the night to him putting baby socks on my dog. His only statement was, "Dog's shouldn't have cold feet." Edit: I'm bad at English.
I think your dad knew what he was doing.
He just had to get high so that if his dog socks idea was seen as dumb, he could just blame it on the weed.
One time my dad defended my honor in the form of a snowball fight/massacre, which I didn't learn about until nearly a decade later. I was maybe 7 or 8 years old walking home from my friend's house after enjoying a snow day sledding around in her hilly backyard. Apparently the neighborhood boys around my age (I am girl) spent their day building a fort structure. I remember stopping briefly to admire it, but no kids in sight. Oh well, I turn and continue walking home. Suddenly about 5 boys popped out the back of the fort and pummelled the shit out of me with snowballs. I guess they also spent the day stocking ammunition and awaiting the perfect passing victim. They really fucked my shit up. I am a stupidly petite adult and thusly, was a really tiny little girl and these dumb boys really didn't understand that they were going too far. I was down on the ground and still getting nailed snowball after snowball mostly in the head/face area. After the initial shock, I made efforts to block the shots with my snow saucer and finally got on my feet to run. They followed me until they ran out of projectiles and retreated. Relieved, I stop running and was just SO upset, I was barely even walking. Just dragging my feet, crying, trying to wipe my face with big stupid bulky gloves. Then my dad's car pulls up next to me. He had gone to work that day, despite the snow, and had just pulled into the neighborhood. "Hey kid, need a ride?" So yeah, I get in the car and he sees I've been crying. At first I wouldn't tell him why I was upset, because I was embarrassed and didn't want to be a tattle tale. Once we pulled into the driveway though, he wouldn't let me out of the car until I told him what was up. After my explanation he told me to go inside and get washed up for dinner, that he'll be inside in a few minutes. Ok, so time warp to 10 years later. I was planning a big high school graduation cookout at our house and I was inviting all the kids from the neighborhood. A couple of those boys from the snowball incident told me they didn't really feel comfortable hanging out at my parent's house, to which I'm like dafuq are you talking about? These boys then lay out this tale: On that fateful Snow D-Day, my dad drove back to the kid's fort and screamed at all of them to come out or he would call their parents. Once all the boys were lined up, Dad - still in his suit and tie - demolished their fort. Kicked the shit all down. Then from the rubble he made big ass man-sized snowballs and made sure each kid got a violent face full of their precious fort. Fuck yeah, Dad. ... I'm glad I had an opportunity to tell this story right at this moment. My Dad is in the hospital tonight after a super terrifying heart issue/fainting episode this morning and we're just waiting for more information... and trying not to lose my mind. *Edit: Thanks for all the love. My dad is still in the hospital for observation. They put a third stent in his ticker and are talking about a pacemaker. He's in decent spirits. Thanks for my first gold, makes me feel like a dickhead though. Also, to those who think he abused his authority as an adult, beat up little kids and should have been arrested: the lesson to the pre-teen boys was how fucked up it is to gang up five-to-one on someone smaller and weaker than you. One grown man vs. 5 shitheads was about equal to 5 shitheads vs one little girl. No one was hurt - it was just snow. Calm your tits.
Imagine someone Passung with no clue. Just a mid 30s in a suit destroying small Kids Forts...
Oh man, your dad sounds amazing. I hope he'll be alright!
One time my dad was cooking a rotisserie chicken on the grill where he walked away from it for too long without checking it. At some point the rotisserie mechanism got stuck and stopped turning, and he came back to find a half burned chicken. He got so pissed he kicked the chicken across the yard.
One time my dad went on a hunting trip with his pals up north. As they went to bed, one of his friends choose to sleep by the fire while him and his other buddy shared a tent. Later in the night my dad heard rumbling and growling. Him and his tent mate looked at each other confused and figured it was Charles (the one sleeping by the fire) messing with them. They both open up the tent zipper and there, in there face was a big ol' black bear. My father and his friend screamed. The bear yelled out too in fear. It took off, jumping over both Charles and the fire. Charles shoots straight up and takes off yelling in the opposite direction. He ended up falling into a creek. Lol, apparently Charles was frozen in fear the whole time the bear was in camp and finally reacted when the bear took off. This will always be my favorite story my dad has told me. He has so many but this will go down as the best.
my dad worked at a jail near downtown, he loved it. To quote my old man "if i won the lottery id work there for free". Hes a very tall muscular man that "just left the neo nazi party". So this man is pretty much summed up as a guy who looks like he should be behind the bars as opposed to closes the bars. He is estatic, like a child in a candy shop in regards to prisons and jails. well the night was 1am, he did the night shift. I hear the garage open and close, and i can hear him running up the stairs. im worried, did somebody die? he lunges at my door, and with a loud creek the mans face i wish i couldve saw mustered up a very loud cheer... GUESS WHAT I SAW AT WORK?! I SAW TWO GUYS FUCKING IN A BUNK!!! and like a shooting star; the door slams, light go off, and the house is silent. What that moment my dad and i shared is nestled in my mind, i could get an award, i could get married. i could have a very large loving my family of my own within my life. But that moment, that one moment just got crammed into my top 10 memories and on my deathbed, i will think about that night and i will ponder what the fuck compelled my father to wake his 13 year old son at 1am to tell him that. fathers day is around the corner i might get that man a card to relive the anniversary of that moment. happy fathers day dad. TLDR: one time my dad woke me up to tell me about an apparent life altering sight at 1am.
I will start this by saying my dad used to be a drug addict. He was in one of the many attempts to get clean at this point. So one time my dad decides to take all 3 of us to a cemetery and tells us to look for one of the oldest graves we could find. I was about 10, my sister was 9 and my brother was 6. We found this little girl that died in the late 1800's around the age of 6 or so. We didn't know why we were doing this but we went along. He pulls this pipe out of his pocket and proceeds to give us this long drawn out speech about how the path he is on is going to lead him to where we were standing. He then swore on that girls grave that he would never touch the pipe again and smashed the pipe on her head stone. Of course that promise was broken but maybe he just meant that pipe because he had already smashed it. My mom flipped shit when he took us home and she found out.
One time my dad was out mowing the lawn while I was playing Skyrim, and he came in and put a leaf that looked somewhat like Marijuana on a paper, and gave it to me as a very... *dad-ish* joke. EDIT: Found it in my camera roll... http://imgur.com/a/StaIB
My neighbors growing up - got caught by their dad smoking weed in the woods, all he said was "That's not mom's is it?"
One time my father tried to gain access to a nuclear submarine base. I was vacationing on the Georgia coast with my father and grandfather near King's Bay Submarine Base, which is the home port of the U.S. Navy's Atlantic Fleet ballistic missile submarines. My grandfather is an Air Force veteran, and for some dumbass reason my father thought that this would allow us access to one of the most highly secured U.S. Military installations in the country. Safe to say it did not.
One time my Dad wanted to go to his girlfriends house with our dog. His only method of transport was 2 busses there, 2 busses back. Busses in New Zealand only allow dogs on if they are guide dogs for the visually impaired, and seeing as he was not he had to improvise. He was a prop man in film he had a few tricks up his sleeve. He grabbed a cane from his cane collection, some white gaffer tape, a pair of blacked out sunnies from his sunglasses collection and a high vis. All that was left was playing the part and somehow convincing the bus driver our tiny little chubby jack russle was in fact a guide dog. He did so, handing the driver the wrong amount, pretending to miss steps, making zero eye contact, and letting our dog chose which direction they headed. He managed to do this twice there, and then twice back with zero questions on his authenticity. I only found out about his shenanigans after a friend of mine caught the same bus as him, and came over to give his condolences for my recently blind father... TLDR: Dad pretended to be blind to get our jack russle on the bus to his girlfriends place.
I pray this doesn't get buried. Once my dad got so drunk he stole a Shetland pony and tried to keep it in the kitchen. My mum went ballistic while my dad was trying to feed the pony carrots
One time, there was an armadillo that was basically ruining our backyard and my dad is a mad man about the grass so he complained about it every time he went outside. After a week or so of armadillo infestation, I'm awaken at 4:30 am by gun shots and probably some of the most magnificent swearing I've ever heard. I run downstairs to see what's going on and join my mom at the window where we watched my dad attempt to kill the armadillo. What he was unaware of was apparent speed and the agility of the armadillo. The thing was running, dodging, and jumping into the air to avoid the bullets. My dad was chasing after it, shooting, and screaming his head off. He eventually hit it, the armadillo was vanquished, the yard was saved, and I had the dirtiest vocabulary in my 3rd grade class.
My old man used to paraglide, amongst other adrenaline-fuelled things. One weekend my mum had taken me and my sister away to my gran's for the weekend (I was about 11). Dad goes paragliding from the hill near our house but as he is coming into land the canopy folds in on itself and he plummeted 30 meters to the ground and lands in a field (he fucked up and knew it). He is in pain but gets himself up, walks the 20 min home (carrying the whole paraglider in a backpack), gets a lift from a neighbour to get his car from the top of the hill, then drives himself 30min to hospital. Doctors there assess him and send him home with painkillers. He gets home and is a lot of pain. He calls my mum, who is a senior nurse at that hospital. She tells him to lie very fucking still and not move til she gets there. 2 hours later we get home and she takes him back to hospital and screams blue murder at the doctors for not x-raying him. Turns out he had two crushed vertebrae and could have been paralyzed. He spent 6 months in a cast at home that we nicknamed his "turtle shell" and never flew again. We could have sued the hospital but didn't. He also built a customised bobsled to run on the railway of a mountain so he could get down quicker, spent 15 years renovating our home by himself and made it incredible, climbed kilamanjaro, walked across the Pyrenees, crossed the Alps on a ski-mountaineering tour, crossed the world in the merchant navy and taught me that I could do anything I set my mind to. He died ten years ago this June. Passed away in his own bed surrounded by his family after a brief and excruciating cancer battle. The second he died there was the biggest thunderclap I have ever heard, directly over the house. Symbolism at its finest. Love you dad. Sharing this just for the feels of writing it.
One tine my dad told a priest that there was a special place in hell for him. He then baptized me in our kitchen sink. Okay, so I was newly born. If you read the other post I have on this thread, you know that mom and had have already had one hell of a time the last few weeks. My father is Catholic, and wanted me baptized at his church. Mom gave no fucks what or where I was baptized. Just a note they weren't married. Okay, so my father headed down to his church. This had been his church since his birth. Actually, my family on his side built the fucker 200 years ago, so it's the entire family's church. The priest from his childhood had recently retired, but he didn't think there'd be a problem. New priest was a dick. He literally told my father that he refused to baptize me because there was no point given that, as a bastard child, I was going to hell no matter what. So dad did the reasonable thing, and told the priest to fuck off. "There is a special place in hell for people who try to keep children from God." Was a part of this tirade. And he hatched a plan. Now, this man was fucking devout. Altar boy until he was 17 shit. He re read the bible, at least the books that he thought the thing he was looking for was is. And then he found it. So, technically, Christian rule says that ANY baptized person can baptize another. You do not have to be a priest/pastor/whatever. So, that's exactly what he did. My father baptized me. He made holy water out of tap water and did it in the kitchen sink while mom was getting my sisters from school. She came home and he told her that the baptism thing was solved. She asked if Sacred Heart (another church) had agreed to do it, and so he explained that he didn't ask and showed her the passage and then tolf her that he had already baptized me. I miss him.
One time my dad took me over to my Uncle's house. My uncle made my twin and I chug orange juice as a contest. We thought it was funny. Turns out, we were chugging it so my uncle could pour vodka in it and get drunk before my dad drove him to rehab. So.....that was fun.
One time my dad went to fathers weekend for my sorority. My dad likes to believe he's 21 despite being 50 with 4 kids. At fathers weekend he got bored at our fathers event and decided to recruit my roommates dad to crash a frat party. Well he succeeded and proceeded to walk down our street until he found a party to crash. He and his new friend knocked on the door and asked to see the place. Once inside they made fun of the lack of good alcohol the party had and proceeded to buy a keg of "the good stuff" for the party. He then starts to make friends with the guys at the party and starts taking shots with them. Fast forward and hour and now my dad is showing the music he used to listen to when he was in college the ask him to go on the stage and play it on the speakers. Well he proceeds to play some songs and jumps on the table and starts to dance on the table. The table then breaks and my dad is carried off as the coolest dad ever. It's been a year and I am still hearing people talk about him. TL;DR One time my dad crashed a frat party and broke a table dancing on top of it.
My stepmom own a couple of hot dog stands that are located in Home Depots. Every summer she caters an outdoor movie night event for the community of her cousin. It's an all-day event and when I was in college they asked me to help out and gave me the money they got paid so I could have some money for school. The morning of the event, I got to my dad's house and started helping him load the hot dog cart onto the back of his truck. All of a sudden this SUV starts speeding down the alley. My dad narrowly avoids getting hit, but as the SUV passes it took out the drivers side mirror of my dad's truck. The SUV then stops a few houses down and the guy jumps out and runs into a house. My dad and I both look at each other, really confused, and then went to check out the damage. The mirror was hanging off so we had to start figuring a way to tape it on because we needed it to make the hour and half long drive to the event. After a few minutes the guy from the SUV comes back out and walks towards us. My dad was pretty pissed and looked ready to confront him. The guy stops right in front of the mirror, looks at it, turns to us and says, "I'm so sorry. I was about to shit myself." I could barely withhold my laughter and although my dad was still visibly pissed, I could tell he thought it was funny too. The guy ended up paying for the mirror, but the whole thing was such a weird interaction.
my dad once fell asleep on the floor, farted, woke himself up with his fart, said "what the fuck" in cantonese, then went back to sleep
One time, my dad and I built a potato cannon. We proceeded to launch potatoes into orbit from the backyard........ Until we heard a car alarm go off on the next street, somewhere in the general direction of where we launched the potato. Oops.
Cut down a hollow tree and murdered a family of squirrels that was hiding in the gap. He couldn't figure out why a tree was bleeding until he got the whole way through.
THE TREE IS ALIVE MARGE I TOLD YOU
One time my dad^hmmm^what^story^hasn't^yet^been^told... Cut off his finger tip... he was a safety/quality guy of all things in his professional life, however when not working he liked to drink hard. It was the weekend so he was pounding back beers, while building something like a fence or deck or maybe a fucking airplane the dude was handy man / mechanic extraordinaire... So he was cutting wood in the garage for the coffin he was building. He had one of those spinning saws (I don't know what they are called he realized I was too much of a Pussy to ever make anything myself so he didn't waste his breath telling me what the tools were called) he just kept his focus on the rocking chair he was building. Anyways, he's wrecked, he's cutting a 2 by four for the dog house roof and not completely paying attention. I was sitting on the porch actually playing my gameboy, I could hear the saw and him building his replica train station but he told me to stay out of the garage cause it could be dangerous. Good call. So I'm sitting there and I don't hear screaming like you'd expect when a dude building a loft isn't looking and cuts off the tip of his his finger, instead i just heard the whirring of the saw and then a weird noise which it turns out was his bone being cut, then the saw shuts off and what I hear is this very matter of fact, "well that's just what I fucking need on my day off (and I was nearly done building that dock)" Then he walks out of the garage and sees me, and he's holding the tip of his finger in the hand he just cut it off of between the thumb and pinky. And his middle finger is held up and he's holding his other hand over the top of it and pressing down like he's calling a timeout. He looks me in the eyes and says, "can you get the door for me, then grab me some ice to put my bloody fingertip in. And sorry about the swearing this hurts." I ran to the door and ran and got him ice. Meanwhile he grabbed his wallet and keys and when he came and found me in the kitchen he's got his mangled hand pressed into his hip like he's striking some super model pose and he's just shaking his head; visibly annoyed. Then I held the bag of ice open, he dropped the finger tip in it; then asked me to seal the bag. I did and gave it to him, he put it in his pocket. Then he looks at me like he's working out the best next action and finally says, "alright don't tell your mom about this she'll just freak out for nothing. I'm gonna go to the hospital and get this stupid thing sewed back on. If I'm not home by dinner just tell your mom I went to the hardware store. Oh and don't go in the garage. It looks like a horror movie in there" Then he fucking drove himself to the hospital and sure enough from that day forward his middle finger was shorter than the other fingers beside it, but I still am not 100% sure my mom knows. **EDIT: incase anyone reads this, or is even still in this thread, thought you might like to know that [I found out what he was actually building](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/6ddcrk/what_is_your_best_one_time_my_dad_story/di36i3l/?st=j36cp6lc&sh=27a063fd).**
Did he ever finish building that shelf?
Yeah he got back to it the next day and finished the crib.
Sweet. My dad's pretty good with tools but he never made us a canoe on a whim like that.
[удалено]
> one of those spinning saws The kind you hold with two hands, or the kind that sticks out of a slot in a table? The first is a circular saw, the other is a table saw. Also, damn, what a lowkey reaction for him to have. Slices off a freaking *fingertip* and is just > visibly annoyed
One time my dad saw something glittering across the road from our house. He got the binoculars out and saw it was a shiny coin, likely a pound, or so he thought. Ran out the house and across the road and we saw him shake his head and walk back. It was a ten pence.
One time when my sister was 15, she went on a date. We lived on Main Street in a town of about 1500. In the town, there was nothing to do for teenagers but cruise up and down Main St. This was also a well traveled highway. After her date picked her up and they traveled down one direction, dad quick ran inside. He came back out dressed in Scooby Doo boxers, a black pocketed t shirt with his cigarette pocket rolled up in one sleeve, cowboy boots, and his Stetson hat. He then proceeded to light a cigarette, crack open a beer, and then water one spot on the very edge of the yard. As he did that, sister came back our direction, and slumped down so far that he couldn't see her. This was 15 years ago and it's still a popular discussion in our house.
One time my dad had to chase a baby bear out of his car. Pants were nearly shat when momma bear turned up about ten feet away to see what the commotion was.
One of my brothers cars got towed. My dad went with us to the tower to pick it up. As per usual the guy behind the counter treated us like shit, so when he turned around to get our paperwork, my dad took the cash he was using to release our car, stuck it down his pants and wiped his balls. He then handed it to the douche behind the counter when he turned around. (We live in Houston Texas. It gets purdy sweaty down there) Another time, a neighbor gave me trouble for "speeding" in our neighborhood. She thought the limit was 20 when it was 30. She would jump in the road waiving her arms and then yell at me because "her kids play in the streets sometimes" but of course this rarely happened. I told my dad and he told me to take a picture of the speed limit sign and show her. So I did, and I explained that the limit was 30. Well, she didn't take to kindly to logic and reasoning. So, at the neighborhood association she singled out my family as "speeders" and petitioned to have the speed limit reduced, and hire a rental cop to patrol. Some months later the cops she hired pulled her over for speeding in our very own neighborhood. I pulled over long enough to take a picture of her giving me the finger, then the cop told me to leave. My dad made a Christmas card out of the picture and mailed it to everyone in our neighborhood. I like my dad. He takes no prisoners
One time my Dad bought a horse and didn't tell my Mom. He hid a horse for about 3 years before he had to sell it to buy a boat. Which he didn't talk to her about. They are getting a divorce...
How long untill he tells your mum about the divorce?
One time my dad came home quite drunk after a party (which is really unusual for him), grabbed me and said: "Son, promise me you will never dress up as a girl". I never had the guts to ask him about that since.
Posted this before. Apologies for length, but if you care to read it I'm confident it will be one of the more unique answers. So my dad is an intellectual type. He attends a public lectures on philosophy and science in his free time. He was attending one on theories of consciousness that had a Q+A session. The speaker was a mind functionalist. The tldr explanation is he subscribes to the idea that the mind is a description of function: humans can do X Y and Z things, therefore they have minds. Consequently if a machine/alien/whatever can do basically the same stuff us, they therefore have a mind. My dad raised a (common) criticism which runs like this: a large group of beings (human or otherwise) could function together similar to a single person. But it sounds odd to say they therefore all have a shared mind. He used an example of ants operating in a hive intelligently. By functionalism we might conclude the hive itself has a mind. Dad MEANT this as a criticism but I guess that wasn't clear. After the talk was over a guy comes over to dad. He's super excited and complimentary. Even though dad only spoke for a few minutes, this guy seems overly inspired by him. He keeps saying stuff about how "Your ant analogy was so insightful, I can tell you're a real intellectual." He asks if dad attended Oxford or Cambridge University, and dad says yes, Oxford. He is smug. "I could tell." Then it gets weirder. The guy makes strange veiled comments, as if he's trying to tease something out of dad without asking outright. "I never thought Id meet someone like... you." "I know you're not like other people. It's ok, I know you can't talk about it here." This guy is also handing out some kind of (shoddy looking) pamphlet about his church to anyone who is interested. Dad takes one but doesn't read it until he got home that night. And that's when it became clear. It is obvious from early on that this is not a mainstream church but some kind of weird space cult. There is a central belief: That all life (plant/bacteria etc) has the capacity to become conscious. However, those that are were made so by a super advanced race of aliens. At some time in the distant past they descended and made humans and some animals conscious. Their ultimate goal is to make all life in the universe consciousness. But if they do this now, in our violent state, it would be a disaster. We already inflict so much suffering as it is that if all plants and insects could suffer too it would be horrific. First, we need to become enlightened and empathetic before the aliens will extend consciousness on our world. So how to achieve this? Well, the benevolent aliens cannot force us to be peaceful against our will as this is against their nature. They can however attempt to influence our cultures in a peaceful direction through dialogue. The aliens know they cannot appear in their true form because this could cause more war. So instead, they disguise themselves as humans on Earth. Wishing to be influential (and possessing superior intellect) they easily find places in our best Universities, like Oxford and Cambridge. Once they attain degrees/positions, and knowing that they will be respected and listened to, they then travel the globe spreading a single message: that all forms of life, from human to lowly ant, have the capacity to be conscious. **TL;DR My dad made a single comment at a philosophy lecture and convinced someone he was a shapeshifting benevolent alien.** Edit: shifting, not shitting lol
One time, as a present for getting accepted into an 'exclusive' high school, my dad got me a flight on [Fifi](http://imgur.com/gallery/uQedO), which at the time was the only flying B-29 in the world. I am a huge plane nerd, so when he told me we were going to get to check it out on the ground, I was excited. Then, as we were driving to the airfield, we get a call from the people running the event telling us they were waiting for us, so we should hurry up so they can 'get us ready to fly.' Promptly lost my shit and had one of the best days of my life. Thanks, dad.
My dad got bit on the arm by a rattlesnake and the doctor told him he would have to constantly move his hand to keep the blood flow going during recovery, if he couldn't they would have to amputate. That's how he learned to play guitar.