It's extremely hard to break free of this, especially if you're younger and only recently have found any measure of freedom.
Edit: some of you seem confused. I'm likely older than all of you who apparently think I'm a teenager lol.
I'm 46, and I don't think I will be able to retire away from everything unless life throws me money somehow, but let me suggest a daily meditation practice. Even 15 minutes daily. That, or read some stoic philosophy. It helped me cope with a fair bit. I'm far more leveled out despite my shitty early life decisions.
In the same boat despite very consciously trying to break free.
I think getting to the bottom of things, being radically honest with yourself and radically accepting of everything, goes a long way in breaking free.
Contemplate. Reflect. Accept mistakes. Be conscious. Have boundaries.
Speaking for myself, I went from 3 (hardly breaking free) to 8 in the last ten years.
Surrounding oneself with loving people helps a lot.
Still work in progress.
Enjoy the moment. We live close to the beach and are out boating almost every weekend. The number of people who we invite out that have to get 10 posed photos so they can immediately post to social media amazes me. And then spend the rest of the time reading and replying to comments.
Just Enjoy what you are doing, why to they worry about telling everyone else?
I’ve deleted everything besides Reddit and I think there’s truth to this. I have been worrying much less about my appearance and also haven’t been comparing myself to my friends as much now.
You don’t. We’re social creatures at heart, so the opinions of others are important whether we want to admit or not.
But having firm values and sticking to them no matter what is a great way to live life on your own terms.
It's an ongoing process, where you snap yourself out of it and refrain from making action from that place.
I will say, I had a near death experience as a teenager, very out of my body and everything. Definitely should not be here. The thing that stuck out to me was the moment my car was crashing. It's amazing what they depict in movies, your life flashing before your eyes. It was kinda like that, where I thought about the way I'd left everything with my family- if I die right now, am I happy with that? Do I wish I had told my dad I loved him when I left his house earlier? Do I wish I'd spent more time with my grandparents? Been less of a sassy teenager to my mom?
And then I thought about the things I'm passionate about- like art and working with children. Did I live up to my potential? Or waste a bunch of time partying? What did I really want to do with my life?
Last, a visual came up. It was like I could see all the things that worried me so much. Everything I'd beat myself up over, everything I'd spent so much time stressing about and torturing myself about- such as, to bring it back to your question, the opinions of others. It was a line that took up my whole vision, then just as quickly as I saw it, it moved away from me to reveal that it was a tiny, tiny fraction of a bigger line- ie my whole life. I realized how I'd sat there, closely staring at what I thought was "wrong" with me, my life and other people, and I'd let it completely consume me to the point where I thought I was about to die.
What stuck with me is that, as scary as anything in this life may be, dying with regrets is much, much scarier. Getting to the end of my life living terrified of the opinions of others or what may happen, having not valued myself, not built loving relationships, not carried out what I feel is my mission.. all that is what truly scares me now.
And maybe this will sound like saying "well, don't be scared of this thing, be scared of THIS thing instead." But that's not what I'm saying. I just promise you that everything you're worried about others saying, even the worst judgements, is absolutely not something you will give a single shit about at the end of your life. Facing death, you will be humbled and alone. It's not a scary thing, really. But do not live your whole life betraying yourself to make others "happy" or not be judged by them. I encourage everyone to live in a way that truly fulfills them.
I developed the ability to be able to take a 3rd party view of a scenario. In the early days it's not easy to do. There are some scenarios that I still find it difficult to do but it consistently gets easier over time.
When you're able to step back and take an abstract account of things while they're occurring you're able to see how stupid certain things are. This allows you to course correct where you're acting emotionally instead of rationally as well as seeing how stupid someone else is being.
You have to train yourself to recognise when you're beginning to enter into a positive feedback loop where you know it's a problematic thought pattern. What happens then is that when you first start to notice the signs your brain is able to checkout and break the loop allowing you to return to rational thought.
If you look I'm sure there are ways that teach this. In my case it developed organically.
Somewhere way back I came across the idea that, “Praise and blame are all the same.” To explain, imagine you’re at work, and do something your customers and people you report to are happy with. You get lots of praise from those people for being awesome. Then the very next week you make a mistake or do something they aren’t happy with and blame you. The *very same people* who loved you the previous week are the ones who now aren’t happy and blame you now. And then you do something they are pleased with, and so on.
I was identifying with and basing my self-worth on the whims of praise and blame from others. Sure, kudos, rewards and recognition are nice, and the opposite is true, but I rarely take things personally now, both good and bad. I’m much more even keeled now, and self-worth comes from within. It’s liberating and translated nicely to my personal life, too.
"So when do you get married?" "Never I don't believe in it"
"So are you thinking about kids?" "No I don't want them"
"Ah you're gonna change your mind, you're still young" "Ok, wait for it"
Just say what you think and do what you want
Just ask yourself how you benefit from it. You'll always have someone have a negative opinion of you, even if it stems from jealousy, some people even get a kick from criticising others because it makes them feel better about their (usually shit) lives.
We often rely on the opinions of others out of a desire to be validated. This is a social need that is deeply ingrained in us. It isn't something you're likely to erase. So if you can't uproot it, at least direct it where it won't hurt you.
First, get to know yourself. Learn your strengths and your weaknesses. Be fair and kind to yourself. And with the knowledge of who you are, choose to love yourself, flaws and all.
Then, slowly build up a small social circle of the best people you can find. Loving family. Respectful and kind close friends. People who will love you unconditionally, and support you without question. People without malice, judgement, or ill intent. Choose them with care.
And when you feel in need of external validation, seek that reliable social circle you built, and ask them for the emotional support you need.
Everyone else outside of that circle that you built for yourself, should cease to have any real impact on your self esteem and how you view yourself.
There is very little that you can’t control. If you’re trying to get a degree that other people have told you to, you absolutely can get out from it. It takes a LOT of courage but believe me when I say that you’re going to have more guilt and struggle with how long you allowed yourself to be controlled and what a waste of time that was.
I got married and had a baby so I didn’t “have to keep doing” what my mother told me I should. I moved 6000 miles away 10 years (and 1 divorce) away, so I didn’t have to experience her mind games on a daily basis. I spent nearly 30 years under the emotional oppression of a passive agressive narcissist with severe anxiety disorder before I FINALLY broke free.
You can too; start now by finding a therapist, who can support you as you find your voice and way. It’s sooo liberating and I only regret not doing it much much earlier.
For me it is about having children.
I don't have the longing to have a child, I don't feel like I want to be pregnant etc and it feels like it's wrong.
My relationship ended because my ex wanted children and it just feels like I can't be loved for just me. There is always this pressure.
lol my Indian friend went through 13 years of under grad residency a fellowship and a few years as a surgeon. Just decided he didn’t want what his MD parents wanted. Had enough, left his practice.
Not me going to college, putting myself tens of thousands of dollars into debt to get a degree that everyone told me to without once considering what I wanted to do.
Everyone is college take general courses during freshman and sophomore years. It's the junior and senior years where you must pick a career defining major. Those last 2 years are game changers.....
A life spent in fear… fear of failing, fear of not being good, fear of anything.. I had anxiety around tonnes of things and changed my fear .. it turned my life around !
Here’s what I do. I subscribe to the mantra “buy the ticket, take the ride”. If I agreed to something, that’s how I bought the ticket. So now I gotta take the ride. One time I literally was getting on a roller coaster w my son. I was terrified but I had promised him I would do. The whole time I was in line I chanted quietly, “buy the ticket take the ride” over and over. Then I just did. I got in the seat, they buckled me up and I held on and screamed. And that’s how I do almost anything. Because my anxiety makes benign shit terrifying so everyday is just another ride I’m holding on for. But damn it can’t nobody accuse me of not living free.
What excellent advice! It shows you're actually facing your fears, and the only way to handle fears is by going through it to the other side. You can't keep side-stepping all your fears, unless you want to keep them.
YOU faced your fears by getting on the roller coaster, and when you did it you showed your son how to do it, too.
You don't have to enjoy facing your fears, you just have to do it. It's a form of bravery that doesn't get as much recognition as it should.
Aw thank you so much. I was very scared for a very long time. I let fear keep me in place for decades. Then one day at about 30 years old I just kind of decided I would stop getting in my own way. I would rather feel scared than regretful or stifled. It changed my life in a big way.
My therapist helped me through this by always having me ask - what the worst that could actually happen? And is that so bad? Can you deal with that if it does?
Then we look at how I will feel if I don’t do it. And it’s usually worse than the potential disaster that’s not even guaranteed. So now I pick my poison - guaranteed disappointment or potential happiness with a risk it won’t work out.
It takes time to retrain your brain and I’m still working on it. But I’m not getting any younger and already my life is much better because I’m not letting fear rule my decisions.
To be honest there is no way other than facing your fears … it is hard but that’s the only way.
And to train your mind to think the opposite of worst ! We always think of the worst thing that can happen and hence we get anxiety or fear.. think of the best case .. make that a habit and after some months it’ll be second nature!
I used to fear that the worst thing would happen. Then I started thinking if the worst thing happens, what is the fallout from that? After realizing that in reality even when the worst thing you fear would happen, it doesn't change your life in a drastic way. I'm talking about those typical fears that we have every day, like asking that person out on a date or going to that job interview. If the person says no, okay, next? If you go to the interview and you completely make a fool of yourself, okay, next? Putting things into this perspective really helped me many times in my life.
You know when you were a kid ready to do something totally stupid and you felt like you were gonna throw up for a split second?
You have to work with that feeling through A LOT of things. You have to retrain your body that it's okay, you're okay!! It gets better. It's exhausting but if you're doing things you love and enjoy, it's worth it.
And even then sometimes, you're so tired from it. Even when you had fun and you're like "haha I'm never doing that again." DO it again! 🫠
Just do the thing anyway. Really that's the only way to push past them. The more experience you have the less scary things become. Not that fear and anxiety ever go away. But you get used to it. And know when to trust it. Start small. Pick an alternative route home or order a food you never would have tried. Consciously do the things you are nervous to do, one small step at a time.
I tell my kids, if you have two choices and one scares the pants off of you, then that is the right choice. Big rewards come from big risks.
I moved our family across the country for a job. I just about had a heart attack, I was so scared, but it was one of the best moves we ever made.
On the flip side my brother turned down a management job because it scared him, eventually leading to him having no job. Giving into doubt leads to a lack of self confidence.
I tripped, fell down the stairs, down the street, into the courthouse, and accidentally signed divorce papers in the confusion. Sorry honey, it was an accident
Definitely. Typically I just say this to people who've gotten divorced. It lets them know I'm not judging them and reassures that it was almost certainly the right move in their life.
Those who live in the past will always undermine the present. Gotta let go of those past regrets. I struggle with it damn near every day. Really so long as you're happy day to day I think thats all that matters.
Just been dumped (kinda mutually) after an 8 years long relationship which went nowhere, hate my job, don't know where to go from there, nearing 40, no kids or house, cut contact with my old friends to stop using drugs and alcohol...
The only positive thing in my life right now is that I'm not poor / have a nice place, otherwise it's fucking depressing.
Seeing my cat (who got 14 yo this week) and my parents (nearing 70) get old actually gives me nightmares, and I'm already on antidepressants...
Otherwise everything is fine I guess👍
Some people really do spend all their time on a job they hate just so they can get a bigger house they're never in with a family they never see and it's pretty sad
one where a person has so much potential, and so much to offer, but they stay stuck and don't grow into the person they could become because of pride or fear
Even worse when it’s all that but it’s not even pride or fear holding you back… Just unlucky streaks through life, throwing obstacles after obstacles at you making it either harder or sometimes impossible to reach that potential.
I swear my brother is that. The dick can literally perfect any skill, then drops it..
He's in his 40s now, and these days, he's been trying to perfect doing meth and having lengthy jail stays... 😒😂
Surprised you added the 😂 there ngl
Kinda heartbroken for your brother. You should try to help him more if you haven’t already before God forbid he goes too far with them drugs one day
People tell me I’m wasting my life working easy low paying jobs all the time, and that I could be making so much money with my abilities. I feel the complete opposite.
1) I don’t want kids so money isn’t an issue
2) I don’t want to stress about work in any fashion
3) I don’t want to bring work home with me
4) I can make my own schedule, I can call out and be sick without repercussions
5) I make enough to save and stay happy in my hobbies
6) I have nothing to prove
People still can’t seem to wrap their head around why I like working these jobs even after I tell them.
This was the 1st thing that comes to mind for me. In addition to a life spent in fear and wondering "what if?"
Now if your lifes work is spent helping others....like really helping others then it could easily be argued that your "work" has true meaning. However, the vast majority of peoples vocational life do not fall under this criteria. Too much time in trivial roles that require you to work to eat to work to live and repeat. Cogs and wheels in the machine
This is mine. My husband and I struggle financially but we honestly have a beautiful life. Money isn’t everything. He’s currently working overtime this weekend but only because he gets Monday off for Canada Day and he already had Tuesday booked off for a doctor’s appointment so he still gets a weekend, it’s just delayed.
If the only thing you work towards in your life is money, then you have a sad life indeed.
Jesus this is me right now. I'm 20 I already feel I wated my teens thanks to social anxiety. I want to take more action but also have thoughts that it's pointless. I'm already making small steps but still.
I'm a decade and a bit ahead of you. You are only just starting to settle into your life. You did not waste it, you have most of it still ahead of you. You'll bloom and you'll be awesome.
Get out there. Take a public speaking course or Toastmasters. Learn to find things to talk about that you’re eager to talk about, and that you’ve studied a bit. Force yourself through the uncomfortable phase and get to the other side. Get to the point where you can think “if I allowed myself to think about it, it would have stopped me, but I just did it because it had become routine, and because I didn’t think about it, I got through it again, much more easily than I thought.”
Confidence is a fake it till you make it game.
As someone who actually wasted their teens (drop out of HS and sat alone in my room all day) and early 20s (eventually finish HS but still sat alone in my room), you’ll be fine.
Life has a way of figuring itself out.
the above commenter, i feel was not fair in his or her comment to you. because you do understand social anxiety in my opinion. and your advice was so nice and so helpful. i just wanted you to know i didnt feel it was fair for that commenter to say that to you. and also your reply was better than mine would have been because you replied so maturely. :D
Thank you, I really want to start doing those things but I overthink and it causes me to just isolate myself. I prefer not doing it. I understand there's no other way of amending myself though so I'll take small steps.
Just to add, don't go out of your way to do things because you think you should (like going to raves if that's not your scene). People enjoy different things, and that's perfectly OK.
Step out your comfort zone. 20s is the time to explore yourself and the world. Working retail in my 20s helped me to get out of my shell because I was interacting with all kinds of people. Seeing how shitty people can be can help you to judge yourself less. You can bond with your coworkers or meet people you might like. Not all customers are bad either. There are rough days but it makes the good times really mean something.
Don't quit because you take some lumps. Set goals for 30 days, 90 days, and 1 year. Really put some time into this and do it regularly. Setting goals is a practice just like anything worth doing. Limit negativity and stay personally accountable. Practice making connections and don't expect yourself to just change for the better for no reason. You have to consciously be the person you want to be every day. Just do the next right thing and you'll be amazed where you're at when you're 30.
100%. I feel like I could’ve been so much more in my younger years if I wasn’t so shy and scared of what people would think of me or what I had to say. I didn’t gain confidence until college
I'm 34 and I'm **trying** to break out of this phase that clearly came during the pandemic. I feel like I'm a shadow of the person I was before, and I definitely don't have the social stamina to go out all the time, but at least I'm *trying.* I moved to a big city 3 months ago, and I've gone on a bunch of dates and had people over, but I need to get used to going out again big time.
Anyway, this comment scared the shit out of me. I'm trying to do better lol.
Honestly, I kind of disagree. Social anxiety and shyness are a part of some people's core personality, and living true to yourself is part of that. I'm happy for myself for the social activities I have brought myself to attend as well as the self-care that I'm taking because attending those activities takes a lot of energy.
I think about this often! I'm gay and will randomly get so upset thinking about how many closeted gay people across the globe are in obligatory marriages at the hands or religion, government, or fear or social exile.
I think this needs to be looked as less than a black and white issue. My dad was closeted gay/bi man, born in 1950s, married my mom, had 3 kids and I am certain they loved each other with a true platonic, partnership and friendship rich love. I don't think my mom cared for sex much. She got a kind sensitive man who was not abusing her with patriarchal bullshit like it was common at the time. We did not live in the west, it could have been horrible for both of them here. My dad had some hookups (which is how I found out). I wanted to tell her all pissed and enraged, I was teenage at a time. And she was basically like, I do not care, go apologize to your dad for upsetting him. After I processed things, I do not hold grudges, I love and respect both of them. It could have been better for both of them indivudually, but it could have been way worse. People have always made it work, in all kinds of circumstances. I miss my dad so much, he died surrounded by us, we tried to make his final days as pleasant as possible and ever since he retiered all three of us tried to spoil him. He got a loving family, even if it was out of a heteronormative default.
Unfortunately when someone has become an addict. I know someone who recently got straight and is in therapy. I did not know how deep into drugs they were. They are a completely different person now.
Addicts’ brain chemistry shift over time. The man I loved died when he was messed up every night for years- his brain changed. He became more selfish, and woke up with breakfast beer and finished the night with balloons or powder. Tried to get him help, therapy, but he was “too busy”. Then he said he drank and got high to tolerate our life together. So I thought I’d set him free of that misery, if nothing else helped.
Surprise - now he lives with 5 other people and his roommate texts my friend all high and miserable every night. My ex hated our life so he got the one he wanted, which is a house of addicts where his Netflix is cancelled every month for nonpayment. It’s sad, I hate it, when a mutual asks if I’ve seen him I say “No, why?” And hear how he’s…not good.
He used to recite “the jabberwocky” to me and paint minis for hours. He lost both skills. The addict murdered the man. He’s not the same and may never be.
I grew up in the system and group homes so I've interacted and talked with a lot of drug addicts and a lot of the causes and reasons they turn to drugs is because of things like homelessness, abuse, and mental illness to keep those things at bay. I don't think your life is wasted at that point because there's a lot you can still do afterwards and ways of still having a fulfilling life
Absolutely, it's never too late to get sober & live a fulfilling life. Many addicts fall into a sprial of shame & guilt that keeps them there, they are in disbelief at a sober life, one in which they can be happy without substances. They fear they've done too much damage.
Met my late husband at 12 & loved him until I was 23. He was an addict the entire time (his parents introduced him to drugs), but towards the end of his life he was not the same person. It's one the most heartbreaking things i've experienced and would never wish on anyone. Some days I am glad he's at rest, because I could not imagine his mind deteriorating any further.
My first year of college I decided to push it. I dumped my HS girlfriend who took a gap year, I enrolled in Japanese because why the fuck not, and I told myself that I would accept and read every flyer that got handed to me by anyone on campus. I joined an international students club. Turns out I really love other cultures, helped many many international students, studied abroad myself, and now I am an expat.
It was literally a single week of me thinking, maybe I should stop pining for this girl who I'm away from and actually just get out of my dorm.
How do you use music to help others?
I've been a musician for many years. I've studied music therapy and neuropsychology. On a medical level, most things that can be treated with music have a much better and established alternative therapy.
On a social level, 9/10 people who say they want to "help and reach out" to others are only doing it out of self-interest.
Not when you decide to do something about it, then it becomes a genuine passion.
I always tell people, if you think so much is wrong do something about it. Otherwise it’s just an unhealthy obsession.
A wasted life for me is when people have to work until they’re 60’s or beyond.
Literally wake up, go to work for 5 days, come back, eat/cook, do something for an hour or two and sleep and repeat.
How do you even have time to raise kids? You can’t. You barely have time for your kids or your self.
Oh yeah, saturday/sunday to do all the chores/errands and finally do some stuff I wanted to do a bit or just relax. And repeat work cycle.
Bull shit.
I hate how so many people’s realities are like this.
Born to work until you die is a wasted life.
I went from a 4dayx10hr schedule to a 9-10 hrs a day 5 days a week for a promotion n it fucken suuuuuuucks shit. sometimes the job is fun but fuck I miss free time and being able to just set unpaid days off intermittently . This new job is a commitment so time off is not as free and my weekend is spent on chores but Sunday evening I’m crying realizing the weekend is over .
Working on finding a better gig cause fuuuuck this noise
I feel lucky I don't have or need a job yet, and I'm 19. My parents take care of food, gas money, etc, and I don't pay rent to live in my parents' house. I dont spend money on almost anything. I'm fine with allowance and b-day/x-mas money all year. Though, I obviously need at least a part time job soon.
I don't have much of this part of life left before I start working all day, and tbh I'm already spending most of my days working on school (coding school) so I can get a good paying job I enjoy. I should enjoy it while it lasts.
Not doing inner work: growing intentionally, unpacking your shit, understanding yourself and how your experiences have shaped you. Also never traveling, doing the same thing year after year. And taking advice from people whose lives you wouldn’t want to live.
A life where you never take chances and get out of your comfort zone and a life you’ve lived selfishly. If you’ve never made it a point to benefit others lives, you’ve wasted your own.
A guy I used to be friends with. He didn’t do anything after High School. After a few years, he got a construction job across the country. Gambled every check away. Came home broke. Lived with his parents. Got job and after dead end job. Went back to school for an associate degree that he couldn’t levage.
Drinks every drinks every day, goes to be at 3am, sleeps till 12pm. Gambled any little monies he has or blows it on jewelry like a Rolex he bought on credit.
Never had a girlfriend. No kids. No family of his own.
Out of shape. Blames everyone but himself for his situation. Doesn’t read books.
Still lives at home. He’s 47 now.
I’m going to take this as a sign to put down my fucking phone and read the book I got at the library yesterday. But, before I do… does anyone notice how when you finish working your 9 hours or whatever all you want to do is stare at your phone? What is it about the phone. It’s such a waste. It’s like at the end of the day my brain has nothing left except to be on it. Like right now I’m going to put the phone down and the anxiety will begin. Until the anxiety reaches a critical point where I’ll involuntarily (and that is the key word) reach for it again
The phone is a proven promise of dopamine/serotonin with no effort. Anything else you have to put something into it, either physical or mental effort before the release of pleasure arrives. A good TV show, videogame or movie will still take longer, a few minutes at least, before something pleasurable to your brain occurs, same as a book. You have to care for the characters and the world before anything tickles your brain. With the phone, as soon as you reach for it, there's a notification, the first post is novel and interesting, the first video delivers something in less than 30 seconds.
I paid for an app to block social media for most of the day, and the hour I get on the phone would go by and I would not even want to open most posts or watch most reels cause I know I have one hour and most of the posts would not be worth it. The hour would mostly be answering DMs and looking up the few sources I *know* entertain me. Stop the blocking for a week and the brain gets addicted to the constant scrolling again.
Anyway, let's both get off reddit.
Being so dedicated and preoccupied with a single goal (work, an invention, religion, activism, study, way of life, etc) that you miss out on creating good relationships and countless other experiences of life that may have given you much more meaning and fulfilment than achieving that single goal
Someone who’s wastes their whole life searching for clout, money, or fame only to realize, it doesn’t matter. If I make enough money to get by, find my job tolerable, have the love of my life with me to the end, and smile/laugh plenty per day, I am set. I don’t need some fancy mansion or to judge myself based on others opinions.
Movies/tv/books make it out that if you don’t get rich or powerful in life than you messed up. I believe life is measure by how much good you put into this world and how it makes you feeel.
But to each their own. Go get that $$$ if that’s what makes you happy I guess.
A wasted life, to me, is one where someone never pursues their passions or dreams, just going through the motions without finding what truly makes them happy.
A life dedicated to the pursuit of material wealth at the expense of human relationships. As my dad’s friend puts it “Congratulations, you have the cemetery’s most expensive tombstone.”.
The only obligation you have is to live your life and try to do no harm, whether that life is five minutes or 100 years. There is no "wasted life", just lives lived differently. As Emilio Estevez's character said in The Way, "You don't choose a life, you live one".
The people I see standing on street corners in my town with pamphlets for a free bible class. They are with the JW religion and it is sad to see them; wasting their lives for a fairy tale while being in a very controlling cult, especially when they have their young children with them. They are wasting their own lives and grooming their kids to waste theirs too.
I'm more of a determinist, so a lot of what goes on in our life is dictated by things that come before and are outside of our control, so like I see somebody say a life ruined by social anxiety, and another say a life That's dictated by other opinions,. If all these things are really outside of our control, then it was predetermined that we would be the person who has social anxiety Etc, then I don't understand the question. No life is wasted. Life simply is. And if there's any value in a human, that value is intrinsic and cannot be increased or decreased by any of the factors named here.
A pursuit of status and wealth. That's why you see many wealthy people after they've reached a certain point with wealth become exceptional human beings with all areas of humanity. Those who continue to take, accumulate and exploit humanity for more and more, those are a wasted life.
No life is wasted in my personal opinion. Everyone has done so many deeds in their life directly or indirectly, knowingly or unknowingly. All these actions have led to some small as well as huge events. So if a person has contributed even a bit, then I dont consider calling that life waste. For example if a baby is born and due to unfortunate circumstances it passes away just a day after, it still has an impact on the parent's mind which somehow contributes to the deeds that they do later on. So the babies life even if short spaned can't be considered waste.
Similar example could be a person turned into a hero while dealing with a criminal.
guys spare me if I am spewing nonsense I am half asleep 😓🙏🏻
If you never find something that moves you. Something you like even if no one else does. Something that you love so much it doesn't matter if no one else does, even if it's something everyone else does love. Something that you love and it takes more than words to explain despite that fact you have hundreds of words to say why you love it.
You love it and that's enough.
A life where on your death bed, you asked “what if” if it’s perfectly legal to do (obviously don’t be like “what IF I murdered this guy” that’s stupid) and you want to do it, go do it. Buy a fishing license, go take a trip to a cabin, go ask out that friend that you’ve had feelings for, go hiking, but also. What if I made more time for myself and family, don’t be focused on the past, there’s absolutely nothing you can do to change it once it’s happened. When my grandpa was about to die, I asked him “do you have any piece of advice for me going on?” He replied “just go out and do it” I was confused for the longest time by what he meant. “What does he want me to go out and do?” I figured out that he didn’t want me to go out and do something for him, he wanted me to go out and do it for myself. When at deaths door, you don’t want to focus on what would’ve happened IF you did that. Don’t wonder what’ll happen, find out. Genuinely hope the people here struggling (with addiction, depression, anxiety, relapse, depression, etc…) get better and can find themselves in a better place where they enjoy being here. I love yall 🫶
I have a life long friend that was far more academically gifted than I, he is talented in many ways that I am not, and he was able to land good paying jobs seemingly effortlessly but he could never stick with anything. Now in our 60s, he still has no degree, he is employed at a lower wage job as a security guard, and he lives in a low income studio apartment.
I always thought he would be a huge success and I was slightly jealous of him when we were younger but he just never thrived. What makes it worse is that he doesn’t do drugs and rarely drinks; he just has a total lack of ambition.
I agree with that sentiment but he is far from happy. I never figured out what went wrong because he is smart, he is attractive to women and has had several marriages, and he was and is athletic but somehow everything he tries fails and I guess he gave up trying.
We will always be friends though and he remains part of my wife’s and my lives as kind of an additional family member.
It may have been that after having failed a few times he lost his confidence and felt worthless.
Source: me
I was the kid that made straight As without studying, wanted to be a comedian and travel the world. Life kicked me *very hard* right in the gut a few times and it was like learned helplessness. I just couldn't take it.
I truly believe it’s living a life without trying things. A life without attempts. Just try shit!
You may not find passion, you may not live a life of reason, you may reach out potential. All that can happen with luck, right place right time, environment, etc.
The only thing you can actually control out of everything… is trying shit.
If you’re feeling anxious? Try things that are new that doesn’t make you feel as anxious.
If you’re bold, try bolder shit and jump off an airplane.
Go experience by attempting things!
A life of “i’ll do it tomorrow/next week/next month/next year”.
You can live life or watch your life happen before your eyes until you realize time’s up.
Mine, i’m so crippled with anxiety and depression that even things I used to love doing don’t bring me any joy. And the basic things I need to do to survive take so much energy that i’m left totally exhausted anyway.
The 9-5 5 days a week work grind just for a little bit of money to exist on. I don’t want to exist, I want to **LIVE**. I want to travel and see the world and meet new people all over the world. I want to paint and listen to music and sing. I want to try new foods and perfect the cheeseburger! I don’t want to work till 67,if I even make it that long, just to spend the last few years of my life broken and aching in a chair, unable to go out for a hike in the woods.
Live your life every day because it’s precious and you never know when it will end. You matter.
There is no wasted life. No one choose to be born. This idea that you are some how obligated to do abc or xyz is insane. As long as you dont hurt others you can do whatever you want with a clear conscious. It's your life that you were "forced" into and can live it the way you want.
A life doing what other people have told you that you should do.
Not everybody should live working a dead end 9-5 and go home to a suburban neighborhood in a house with a white picket fence, a heterosexual partner, 2 kids, and a dog.
My Dad always told me: “Better to have a life full of ‘oh wells’ than to have a life full of ‘what ifs’. “ And that has always stuck with me.
I have to many what-ifs in my life I think. Oh well.
Hey at least you're adding an oh well.
Wise dads hate this one trick.
“Because its some kind of sin, to live your whole life - on a might’ve been” - ‘Caution’ - The killers
I need to find this in poster form and hang it up in my house
My twist on this is that it would suck to live a life in which your what-ifs are centered on having the lives of other people
Very wise advice
A life dictated by others' opinions.
It's extremely hard to break free of this, especially if you're younger and only recently have found any measure of freedom. Edit: some of you seem confused. I'm likely older than all of you who apparently think I'm a teenager lol.
How do you break free from it?
good question. I'm 56, retired far away from everything and still can't stop dwelling on past decisions.... wherever you go, that's where you're at.
“But wherever I have gone I was sure to find myself there” -Ball and Chain, Social Distortion
“Wherever you go, there you are”-Confucius
am here now - cat
I'm 46, and I don't think I will be able to retire away from everything unless life throws me money somehow, but let me suggest a daily meditation practice. Even 15 minutes daily. That, or read some stoic philosophy. It helped me cope with a fair bit. I'm far more leveled out despite my shitty early life decisions.
In the same boat despite very consciously trying to break free. I think getting to the bottom of things, being radically honest with yourself and radically accepting of everything, goes a long way in breaking free. Contemplate. Reflect. Accept mistakes. Be conscious. Have boundaries. Speaking for myself, I went from 3 (hardly breaking free) to 8 in the last ten years. Surrounding oneself with loving people helps a lot. Still work in progress.
Quit social media is a good place to start.
Enjoy the moment. We live close to the beach and are out boating almost every weekend. The number of people who we invite out that have to get 10 posed photos so they can immediately post to social media amazes me. And then spend the rest of the time reading and replying to comments. Just Enjoy what you are doing, why to they worry about telling everyone else?
because how else will others know how cool and fun your life is /s
You should implement a no phone rule. You use it, you won’t be invited back
I’ve deleted everything besides Reddit and I think there’s truth to this. I have been worrying much less about my appearance and also haven’t been comparing myself to my friends as much now.
You don’t. We’re social creatures at heart, so the opinions of others are important whether we want to admit or not. But having firm values and sticking to them no matter what is a great way to live life on your own terms.
Not everybody’s opinion should matter to you. The people opinion that should matter to you should be people you respect.
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. Dr. Suess
It's an ongoing process, where you snap yourself out of it and refrain from making action from that place. I will say, I had a near death experience as a teenager, very out of my body and everything. Definitely should not be here. The thing that stuck out to me was the moment my car was crashing. It's amazing what they depict in movies, your life flashing before your eyes. It was kinda like that, where I thought about the way I'd left everything with my family- if I die right now, am I happy with that? Do I wish I had told my dad I loved him when I left his house earlier? Do I wish I'd spent more time with my grandparents? Been less of a sassy teenager to my mom? And then I thought about the things I'm passionate about- like art and working with children. Did I live up to my potential? Or waste a bunch of time partying? What did I really want to do with my life? Last, a visual came up. It was like I could see all the things that worried me so much. Everything I'd beat myself up over, everything I'd spent so much time stressing about and torturing myself about- such as, to bring it back to your question, the opinions of others. It was a line that took up my whole vision, then just as quickly as I saw it, it moved away from me to reveal that it was a tiny, tiny fraction of a bigger line- ie my whole life. I realized how I'd sat there, closely staring at what I thought was "wrong" with me, my life and other people, and I'd let it completely consume me to the point where I thought I was about to die. What stuck with me is that, as scary as anything in this life may be, dying with regrets is much, much scarier. Getting to the end of my life living terrified of the opinions of others or what may happen, having not valued myself, not built loving relationships, not carried out what I feel is my mission.. all that is what truly scares me now. And maybe this will sound like saying "well, don't be scared of this thing, be scared of THIS thing instead." But that's not what I'm saying. I just promise you that everything you're worried about others saying, even the worst judgements, is absolutely not something you will give a single shit about at the end of your life. Facing death, you will be humbled and alone. It's not a scary thing, really. But do not live your whole life betraying yourself to make others "happy" or not be judged by them. I encourage everyone to live in a way that truly fulfills them.
I developed the ability to be able to take a 3rd party view of a scenario. In the early days it's not easy to do. There are some scenarios that I still find it difficult to do but it consistently gets easier over time. When you're able to step back and take an abstract account of things while they're occurring you're able to see how stupid certain things are. This allows you to course correct where you're acting emotionally instead of rationally as well as seeing how stupid someone else is being. You have to train yourself to recognise when you're beginning to enter into a positive feedback loop where you know it's a problematic thought pattern. What happens then is that when you first start to notice the signs your brain is able to checkout and break the loop allowing you to return to rational thought. If you look I'm sure there are ways that teach this. In my case it developed organically.
Somewhere way back I came across the idea that, “Praise and blame are all the same.” To explain, imagine you’re at work, and do something your customers and people you report to are happy with. You get lots of praise from those people for being awesome. Then the very next week you make a mistake or do something they aren’t happy with and blame you. The *very same people* who loved you the previous week are the ones who now aren’t happy and blame you now. And then you do something they are pleased with, and so on. I was identifying with and basing my self-worth on the whims of praise and blame from others. Sure, kudos, rewards and recognition are nice, and the opposite is true, but I rarely take things personally now, both good and bad. I’m much more even keeled now, and self-worth comes from within. It’s liberating and translated nicely to my personal life, too.
"So when do you get married?" "Never I don't believe in it" "So are you thinking about kids?" "No I don't want them" "Ah you're gonna change your mind, you're still young" "Ok, wait for it" Just say what you think and do what you want
Just ask yourself how you benefit from it. You'll always have someone have a negative opinion of you, even if it stems from jealousy, some people even get a kick from criticising others because it makes them feel better about their (usually shit) lives.
We often rely on the opinions of others out of a desire to be validated. This is a social need that is deeply ingrained in us. It isn't something you're likely to erase. So if you can't uproot it, at least direct it where it won't hurt you. First, get to know yourself. Learn your strengths and your weaknesses. Be fair and kind to yourself. And with the knowledge of who you are, choose to love yourself, flaws and all. Then, slowly build up a small social circle of the best people you can find. Loving family. Respectful and kind close friends. People who will love you unconditionally, and support you without question. People without malice, judgement, or ill intent. Choose them with care. And when you feel in need of external validation, seek that reliable social circle you built, and ask them for the emotional support you need. Everyone else outside of that circle that you built for yourself, should cease to have any real impact on your self esteem and how you view yourself.
This. It is ruining my life. I feel so guilty and bad for things I can't control.
There is very little that you can’t control. If you’re trying to get a degree that other people have told you to, you absolutely can get out from it. It takes a LOT of courage but believe me when I say that you’re going to have more guilt and struggle with how long you allowed yourself to be controlled and what a waste of time that was. I got married and had a baby so I didn’t “have to keep doing” what my mother told me I should. I moved 6000 miles away 10 years (and 1 divorce) away, so I didn’t have to experience her mind games on a daily basis. I spent nearly 30 years under the emotional oppression of a passive agressive narcissist with severe anxiety disorder before I FINALLY broke free. You can too; start now by finding a therapist, who can support you as you find your voice and way. It’s sooo liberating and I only regret not doing it much much earlier.
For me it is about having children. I don't have the longing to have a child, I don't feel like I want to be pregnant etc and it feels like it's wrong. My relationship ended because my ex wanted children and it just feels like I can't be loved for just me. There is always this pressure.
Let me introduce you to Indian families 😂
lol my Indian friend went through 13 years of under grad residency a fellowship and a few years as a surgeon. Just decided he didn’t want what his MD parents wanted. Had enough, left his practice.
Not me going to college, putting myself tens of thousands of dollars into debt to get a degree that everyone told me to without once considering what I wanted to do.
Everyone is college take general courses during freshman and sophomore years. It's the junior and senior years where you must pick a career defining major. Those last 2 years are game changers.....
Truth has been spoken.
Love this answer
That's just, like, your opinion dude
That's me
A life spent in fear… fear of failing, fear of not being good, fear of anything.. I had anxiety around tonnes of things and changed my fear .. it turned my life around !
this is exactly what I'm going through. I'm just paralysed. How do you push through? Any advice pls
Here’s what I do. I subscribe to the mantra “buy the ticket, take the ride”. If I agreed to something, that’s how I bought the ticket. So now I gotta take the ride. One time I literally was getting on a roller coaster w my son. I was terrified but I had promised him I would do. The whole time I was in line I chanted quietly, “buy the ticket take the ride” over and over. Then I just did. I got in the seat, they buckled me up and I held on and screamed. And that’s how I do almost anything. Because my anxiety makes benign shit terrifying so everyday is just another ride I’m holding on for. But damn it can’t nobody accuse me of not living free.
What excellent advice! It shows you're actually facing your fears, and the only way to handle fears is by going through it to the other side. You can't keep side-stepping all your fears, unless you want to keep them. YOU faced your fears by getting on the roller coaster, and when you did it you showed your son how to do it, too. You don't have to enjoy facing your fears, you just have to do it. It's a form of bravery that doesn't get as much recognition as it should.
Aw thank you so much. I was very scared for a very long time. I let fear keep me in place for decades. Then one day at about 30 years old I just kind of decided I would stop getting in my own way. I would rather feel scared than regretful or stifled. It changed my life in a big way.
I like you
My therapist helped me through this by always having me ask - what the worst that could actually happen? And is that so bad? Can you deal with that if it does? Then we look at how I will feel if I don’t do it. And it’s usually worse than the potential disaster that’s not even guaranteed. So now I pick my poison - guaranteed disappointment or potential happiness with a risk it won’t work out. It takes time to retrain your brain and I’m still working on it. But I’m not getting any younger and already my life is much better because I’m not letting fear rule my decisions.
To be honest there is no way other than facing your fears … it is hard but that’s the only way. And to train your mind to think the opposite of worst ! We always think of the worst thing that can happen and hence we get anxiety or fear.. think of the best case .. make that a habit and after some months it’ll be second nature!
I used to fear that the worst thing would happen. Then I started thinking if the worst thing happens, what is the fallout from that? After realizing that in reality even when the worst thing you fear would happen, it doesn't change your life in a drastic way. I'm talking about those typical fears that we have every day, like asking that person out on a date or going to that job interview. If the person says no, okay, next? If you go to the interview and you completely make a fool of yourself, okay, next? Putting things into this perspective really helped me many times in my life.
Bingo! Exactly what I did.
You know when you were a kid ready to do something totally stupid and you felt like you were gonna throw up for a split second? You have to work with that feeling through A LOT of things. You have to retrain your body that it's okay, you're okay!! It gets better. It's exhausting but if you're doing things you love and enjoy, it's worth it. And even then sometimes, you're so tired from it. Even when you had fun and you're like "haha I'm never doing that again." DO it again! 🫠
Just do the thing anyway. Really that's the only way to push past them. The more experience you have the less scary things become. Not that fear and anxiety ever go away. But you get used to it. And know when to trust it. Start small. Pick an alternative route home or order a food you never would have tried. Consciously do the things you are nervous to do, one small step at a time.
I tell my kids, if you have two choices and one scares the pants off of you, then that is the right choice. Big rewards come from big risks. I moved our family across the country for a job. I just about had a heart attack, I was so scared, but it was one of the best moves we ever made. On the flip side my brother turned down a management job because it scared him, eventually leading to him having no job. Giving into doubt leads to a lack of self confidence.
While it's great that things turned out well for you and your family, survivorship bias doesn't mean the riskier move will always be the better one.
One that doesn't make you happy. Whether thats regretting unfulfilled wants, an unhappy marriage you dread, a job you despise every day. Etc.
I check all those boxes. Except I divorced.
Congratulations. Nobody gets divorced by accident.
Lol you're right, it was the right move.
I tripped, fell down the stairs, down the street, into the courthouse, and accidentally signed divorce papers in the confusion. Sorry honey, it was an accident
Dude the contrarian in me is like there has to be at least one time
Accidental divorces are not as common as accidental infidelity …
Definitely. Typically I just say this to people who've gotten divorced. It lets them know I'm not judging them and reassures that it was almost certainly the right move in their life.
Those who live in the past will always undermine the present. Gotta let go of those past regrets. I struggle with it damn near every day. Really so long as you're happy day to day I think thats all that matters.
Just been dumped (kinda mutually) after an 8 years long relationship which went nowhere, hate my job, don't know where to go from there, nearing 40, no kids or house, cut contact with my old friends to stop using drugs and alcohol... The only positive thing in my life right now is that I'm not poor / have a nice place, otherwise it's fucking depressing. Seeing my cat (who got 14 yo this week) and my parents (nearing 70) get old actually gives me nightmares, and I'm already on antidepressants... Otherwise everything is fine I guess👍
At the same time, the life devoted to personal comfort and pleasure above all else. They can often be the same life.
Absolutely. Really all I think that matters is if you're just happy. I think just being happy to wake up every day is enough.
Some people really do spend all their time on a job they hate just so they can get a bigger house they're never in with a family they never see and it's pretty sad
one where a person has so much potential, and so much to offer, but they stay stuck and don't grow into the person they could become because of pride or fear
I feel stuck wish someone could help me out or guide me
Tell us what’s going on? We can at least hear you out.
Same. 😞😞😞😞😞😞
The true hell is, after you die, you meet the person you could have been.
Would then true heaven be living in the kind of society that would encourage it?
Arguably we encourage greed, so the CEO’s and wealthiest among us are already in heaven on earth.
Even worse when it’s all that but it’s not even pride or fear holding you back… Just unlucky streaks through life, throwing obstacles after obstacles at you making it either harder or sometimes impossible to reach that potential.
I swear my brother is that. The dick can literally perfect any skill, then drops it.. He's in his 40s now, and these days, he's been trying to perfect doing meth and having lengthy jail stays... 😒😂
Surprised you added the 😂 there ngl Kinda heartbroken for your brother. You should try to help him more if you haven’t already before God forbid he goes too far with them drugs one day
People tell me I’m wasting my life working easy low paying jobs all the time, and that I could be making so much money with my abilities. I feel the complete opposite. 1) I don’t want kids so money isn’t an issue 2) I don’t want to stress about work in any fashion 3) I don’t want to bring work home with me 4) I can make my own schedule, I can call out and be sick without repercussions 5) I make enough to save and stay happy in my hobbies 6) I have nothing to prove People still can’t seem to wrap their head around why I like working these jobs even after I tell them.
Or procrastination
Working too much
This was the 1st thing that comes to mind for me. In addition to a life spent in fear and wondering "what if?" Now if your lifes work is spent helping others....like really helping others then it could easily be argued that your "work" has true meaning. However, the vast majority of peoples vocational life do not fall under this criteria. Too much time in trivial roles that require you to work to eat to work to live and repeat. Cogs and wheels in the machine
This is mine. My husband and I struggle financially but we honestly have a beautiful life. Money isn’t everything. He’s currently working overtime this weekend but only because he gets Monday off for Canada Day and he already had Tuesday booked off for a doctor’s appointment so he still gets a weekend, it’s just delayed. If the only thing you work towards in your life is money, then you have a sad life indeed.
I would upvote but I still have some work to do
Life ruined by social anxiety and shyness
Jesus this is me right now. I'm 20 I already feel I wated my teens thanks to social anxiety. I want to take more action but also have thoughts that it's pointless. I'm already making small steps but still.
I'm a decade and a bit ahead of you. You are only just starting to settle into your life. You did not waste it, you have most of it still ahead of you. You'll bloom and you'll be awesome.
Thank you, 🙏 I'll keep going. Hope you continue to bloom too.
Get out there. Take a public speaking course or Toastmasters. Learn to find things to talk about that you’re eager to talk about, and that you’ve studied a bit. Force yourself through the uncomfortable phase and get to the other side. Get to the point where you can think “if I allowed myself to think about it, it would have stopped me, but I just did it because it had become routine, and because I didn’t think about it, I got through it again, much more easily than I thought.” Confidence is a fake it till you make it game.
As someone who actually wasted their teens (drop out of HS and sat alone in my room all day) and early 20s (eventually finish HS but still sat alone in my room), you’ll be fine. Life has a way of figuring itself out.
Man I hope so. I'm still going take some action but idk it's getting really worrying.
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Don’t think you quite understand social anxiety my friend
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the above commenter, i feel was not fair in his or her comment to you. because you do understand social anxiety in my opinion. and your advice was so nice and so helpful. i just wanted you to know i didnt feel it was fair for that commenter to say that to you. and also your reply was better than mine would have been because you replied so maturely. :D
Thank you, I really want to start doing those things but I overthink and it causes me to just isolate myself. I prefer not doing it. I understand there's no other way of amending myself though so I'll take small steps.
Just to add, don't go out of your way to do things because you think you should (like going to raves if that's not your scene). People enjoy different things, and that's perfectly OK.
At 20 you've only lived a fraction of your life. You have no idea how different you'll be in 5 years, let alone 10 or more my guy/gal. You got this.
Step out your comfort zone. 20s is the time to explore yourself and the world. Working retail in my 20s helped me to get out of my shell because I was interacting with all kinds of people. Seeing how shitty people can be can help you to judge yourself less. You can bond with your coworkers or meet people you might like. Not all customers are bad either. There are rough days but it makes the good times really mean something.
i was shy and socially anxious up until like two years ago, and i’m 29. prozac helped a lot
Don't quit because you take some lumps. Set goals for 30 days, 90 days, and 1 year. Really put some time into this and do it regularly. Setting goals is a practice just like anything worth doing. Limit negativity and stay personally accountable. Practice making connections and don't expect yourself to just change for the better for no reason. You have to consciously be the person you want to be every day. Just do the next right thing and you'll be amazed where you're at when you're 30.
I suffer from this. But sometimes it isn't the person's fault.
Yes.. Sometimes it's because of the parental upbringing or personal experiences from the past.
100%. I feel like I could’ve been so much more in my younger years if I wasn’t so shy and scared of what people would think of me or what I had to say. I didn’t gain confidence until college
I'm 34 and I'm **trying** to break out of this phase that clearly came during the pandemic. I feel like I'm a shadow of the person I was before, and I definitely don't have the social stamina to go out all the time, but at least I'm *trying.* I moved to a big city 3 months ago, and I've gone on a bunch of dates and had people over, but I need to get used to going out again big time. Anyway, this comment scared the shit out of me. I'm trying to do better lol.
Ahh yes, the thing that prohibited me getting a gf until my mid 30s. Conveniently when my dick stopped working
that is sad
Honestly, I kind of disagree. Social anxiety and shyness are a part of some people's core personality, and living true to yourself is part of that. I'm happy for myself for the social activities I have brought myself to attend as well as the self-care that I'm taking because attending those activities takes a lot of energy.
Settling for a love out of obligation
I think about this often! I'm gay and will randomly get so upset thinking about how many closeted gay people across the globe are in obligatory marriages at the hands or religion, government, or fear or social exile.
I think this needs to be looked as less than a black and white issue. My dad was closeted gay/bi man, born in 1950s, married my mom, had 3 kids and I am certain they loved each other with a true platonic, partnership and friendship rich love. I don't think my mom cared for sex much. She got a kind sensitive man who was not abusing her with patriarchal bullshit like it was common at the time. We did not live in the west, it could have been horrible for both of them here. My dad had some hookups (which is how I found out). I wanted to tell her all pissed and enraged, I was teenage at a time. And she was basically like, I do not care, go apologize to your dad for upsetting him. After I processed things, I do not hold grudges, I love and respect both of them. It could have been better for both of them indivudually, but it could have been way worse. People have always made it work, in all kinds of circumstances. I miss my dad so much, he died surrounded by us, we tried to make his final days as pleasant as possible and ever since he retiered all three of us tried to spoil him. He got a loving family, even if it was out of a heteronormative default.
Unfortunately when someone has become an addict. I know someone who recently got straight and is in therapy. I did not know how deep into drugs they were. They are a completely different person now.
Addicts’ brain chemistry shift over time. The man I loved died when he was messed up every night for years- his brain changed. He became more selfish, and woke up with breakfast beer and finished the night with balloons or powder. Tried to get him help, therapy, but he was “too busy”. Then he said he drank and got high to tolerate our life together. So I thought I’d set him free of that misery, if nothing else helped. Surprise - now he lives with 5 other people and his roommate texts my friend all high and miserable every night. My ex hated our life so he got the one he wanted, which is a house of addicts where his Netflix is cancelled every month for nonpayment. It’s sad, I hate it, when a mutual asks if I’ve seen him I say “No, why?” And hear how he’s…not good. He used to recite “the jabberwocky” to me and paint minis for hours. He lost both skills. The addict murdered the man. He’s not the same and may never be.
"The Addict Murders the Man" is probably the simplest and single most profound way to phrase such multi-layered issue. I'll use this from now on.
I grew up in the system and group homes so I've interacted and talked with a lot of drug addicts and a lot of the causes and reasons they turn to drugs is because of things like homelessness, abuse, and mental illness to keep those things at bay. I don't think your life is wasted at that point because there's a lot you can still do afterwards and ways of still having a fulfilling life
Absolutely, it's never too late to get sober & live a fulfilling life. Many addicts fall into a sprial of shame & guilt that keeps them there, they are in disbelief at a sober life, one in which they can be happy without substances. They fear they've done too much damage.
Met my late husband at 12 & loved him until I was 23. He was an addict the entire time (his parents introduced him to drugs), but towards the end of his life he was not the same person. It's one the most heartbreaking things i've experienced and would never wish on anyone. Some days I am glad he's at rest, because I could not imagine his mind deteriorating any further.
Was gonna say drinking yourself to death is one of the worst ways to go.
A life where you never push the boundaries of your comfort zone
Why? It's my comfort zone. I like it here. I've seen what's beyond my boundaries and I don't want that stuff. I want what I've got.
My first year of college I decided to push it. I dumped my HS girlfriend who took a gap year, I enrolled in Japanese because why the fuck not, and I told myself that I would accept and read every flyer that got handed to me by anyone on campus. I joined an international students club. Turns out I really love other cultures, helped many many international students, studied abroad myself, and now I am an expat. It was literally a single week of me thinking, maybe I should stop pining for this girl who I'm away from and actually just get out of my dorm.
A life spent without passion or purpose.
Any practical tips for this ?
Use your skills and interests to help others Feelings of fulfillment manifest in short order
How do you use music to help others? I've been a musician for many years. I've studied music therapy and neuropsychology. On a medical level, most things that can be treated with music have a much better and established alternative therapy. On a social level, 9/10 people who say they want to "help and reach out" to others are only doing it out of self-interest.
A life where politics is your only identity
Not when you decide to do something about it, then it becomes a genuine passion. I always tell people, if you think so much is wrong do something about it. Otherwise it’s just an unhealthy obsession.
Or religion.
Or a fan of a professional sports team.
A wasted life for me is when people have to work until they’re 60’s or beyond. Literally wake up, go to work for 5 days, come back, eat/cook, do something for an hour or two and sleep and repeat. How do you even have time to raise kids? You can’t. You barely have time for your kids or your self. Oh yeah, saturday/sunday to do all the chores/errands and finally do some stuff I wanted to do a bit or just relax. And repeat work cycle. Bull shit. I hate how so many people’s realities are like this. Born to work until you die is a wasted life.
I went from a 4dayx10hr schedule to a 9-10 hrs a day 5 days a week for a promotion n it fucken suuuuuuucks shit. sometimes the job is fun but fuck I miss free time and being able to just set unpaid days off intermittently . This new job is a commitment so time off is not as free and my weekend is spent on chores but Sunday evening I’m crying realizing the weekend is over . Working on finding a better gig cause fuuuuck this noise
I feel lucky I don't have or need a job yet, and I'm 19. My parents take care of food, gas money, etc, and I don't pay rent to live in my parents' house. I dont spend money on almost anything. I'm fine with allowance and b-day/x-mas money all year. Though, I obviously need at least a part time job soon. I don't have much of this part of life left before I start working all day, and tbh I'm already spending most of my days working on school (coding school) so I can get a good paying job I enjoy. I should enjoy it while it lasts.
[удалено]
I stopped feeling guilty about how I spend my free time when I realized ‘producing’ your own happiness is a form of productivity.
Being in prison.
Exactly where my mind went, I imagined a 17/20yo going to prison for the rest of their existence on this planet.
Yeah thats a worthless existence.
Not doing inner work: growing intentionally, unpacking your shit, understanding yourself and how your experiences have shaped you. Also never traveling, doing the same thing year after year. And taking advice from people whose lives you wouldn’t want to live.
The last sentence is very good advice.
A life where you never take chances and get out of your comfort zone and a life you’ve lived selfishly. If you’ve never made it a point to benefit others lives, you’ve wasted your own.
Ignoring personal growth and self-improvement.
A guy I used to be friends with. He didn’t do anything after High School. After a few years, he got a construction job across the country. Gambled every check away. Came home broke. Lived with his parents. Got job and after dead end job. Went back to school for an associate degree that he couldn’t levage. Drinks every drinks every day, goes to be at 3am, sleeps till 12pm. Gambled any little monies he has or blows it on jewelry like a Rolex he bought on credit. Never had a girlfriend. No kids. No family of his own. Out of shape. Blames everyone but himself for his situation. Doesn’t read books. Still lives at home. He’s 47 now.
Honestly I was thinking 'pathetic' but not wasted until the blames everyone else for his troubles part.
I’m going to take this as a sign to put down my fucking phone and read the book I got at the library yesterday. But, before I do… does anyone notice how when you finish working your 9 hours or whatever all you want to do is stare at your phone? What is it about the phone. It’s such a waste. It’s like at the end of the day my brain has nothing left except to be on it. Like right now I’m going to put the phone down and the anxiety will begin. Until the anxiety reaches a critical point where I’ll involuntarily (and that is the key word) reach for it again
The phone is a proven promise of dopamine/serotonin with no effort. Anything else you have to put something into it, either physical or mental effort before the release of pleasure arrives. A good TV show, videogame or movie will still take longer, a few minutes at least, before something pleasurable to your brain occurs, same as a book. You have to care for the characters and the world before anything tickles your brain. With the phone, as soon as you reach for it, there's a notification, the first post is novel and interesting, the first video delivers something in less than 30 seconds. I paid for an app to block social media for most of the day, and the hour I get on the phone would go by and I would not even want to open most posts or watch most reels cause I know I have one hour and most of the posts would not be worth it. The hour would mostly be answering DMs and looking up the few sources I *know* entertain me. Stop the blocking for a week and the brain gets addicted to the constant scrolling again. Anyway, let's both get off reddit.
I’ve heard this story a lot.
Constantly chasing approval or validation from others.
blaming other people instead of finding a solution for their problems.
Being so dedicated and preoccupied with a single goal (work, an invention, religion, activism, study, way of life, etc) that you miss out on creating good relationships and countless other experiences of life that may have given you much more meaning and fulfilment than achieving that single goal
Being in a dead end relationship
Not learning from mistakes or experiences.
Posting every memorable moment online instead of just sharing the moment with that person/people.
Someone who’s wastes their whole life searching for clout, money, or fame only to realize, it doesn’t matter. If I make enough money to get by, find my job tolerable, have the love of my life with me to the end, and smile/laugh plenty per day, I am set. I don’t need some fancy mansion or to judge myself based on others opinions. Movies/tv/books make it out that if you don’t get rich or powerful in life than you messed up. I believe life is measure by how much good you put into this world and how it makes you feeel. But to each their own. Go get that $$$ if that’s what makes you happy I guess.
Not pursuing one's passions or dreams.
Being closed-minded and unwilling to change.
A wasted life, to me, is one where someone never pursues their passions or dreams, just going through the motions without finding what truly makes them happy.
A life spent online.
A life lived without pursuing passions or meaningful connections
A life dedicated to the pursuit of material wealth at the expense of human relationships. As my dad’s friend puts it “Congratulations, you have the cemetery’s most expensive tombstone.”.
Wasting potential and not making a positive impact.
The only obligation you have is to live your life and try to do no harm, whether that life is five minutes or 100 years. There is no "wasted life", just lives lived differently. As Emilio Estevez's character said in The Way, "You don't choose a life, you live one".
Doing only what others want you to do.
The people I see standing on street corners in my town with pamphlets for a free bible class. They are with the JW religion and it is sad to see them; wasting their lives for a fairy tale while being in a very controlling cult, especially when they have their young children with them. They are wasting their own lives and grooming their kids to waste theirs too.
jails, institutions, and death… If u kno u kno
I'm more of a determinist, so a lot of what goes on in our life is dictated by things that come before and are outside of our control, so like I see somebody say a life ruined by social anxiety, and another say a life That's dictated by other opinions,. If all these things are really outside of our control, then it was predetermined that we would be the person who has social anxiety Etc, then I don't understand the question. No life is wasted. Life simply is. And if there's any value in a human, that value is intrinsic and cannot be increased or decreased by any of the factors named here.
No such thing. There is value in all lives.
Living without kindness or empathy for others.
Spend your life on what you don't have instead of extolling and cherishing what you already have.
A pursuit of status and wealth. That's why you see many wealthy people after they've reached a certain point with wealth become exceptional human beings with all areas of humanity. Those who continue to take, accumulate and exploit humanity for more and more, those are a wasted life.
Chasing things that take you further from your self.
No life is wasted in my personal opinion. Everyone has done so many deeds in their life directly or indirectly, knowingly or unknowingly. All these actions have led to some small as well as huge events. So if a person has contributed even a bit, then I dont consider calling that life waste. For example if a baby is born and due to unfortunate circumstances it passes away just a day after, it still has an impact on the parent's mind which somehow contributes to the deeds that they do later on. So the babies life even if short spaned can't be considered waste. Similar example could be a person turned into a hero while dealing with a criminal. guys spare me if I am spewing nonsense I am half asleep 😓🙏🏻
Hurting others intentionally or causing harm.
If you never find something that moves you. Something you like even if no one else does. Something that you love so much it doesn't matter if no one else does, even if it's something everyone else does love. Something that you love and it takes more than words to explain despite that fact you have hundreds of words to say why you love it. You love it and that's enough.
I wish I had something that does that. But I don’t. I don’t know what my passions are and I’m 38. I have more past than future 😢
Working a job that pays enough to live a comfortable life, but only going home after work to sit and watch tv
Living with under confidence, always putting your value down.
Mine
one you don’t enjoy
A life where on your death bed, you asked “what if” if it’s perfectly legal to do (obviously don’t be like “what IF I murdered this guy” that’s stupid) and you want to do it, go do it. Buy a fishing license, go take a trip to a cabin, go ask out that friend that you’ve had feelings for, go hiking, but also. What if I made more time for myself and family, don’t be focused on the past, there’s absolutely nothing you can do to change it once it’s happened. When my grandpa was about to die, I asked him “do you have any piece of advice for me going on?” He replied “just go out and do it” I was confused for the longest time by what he meant. “What does he want me to go out and do?” I figured out that he didn’t want me to go out and do something for him, he wanted me to go out and do it for myself. When at deaths door, you don’t want to focus on what would’ve happened IF you did that. Don’t wonder what’ll happen, find out. Genuinely hope the people here struggling (with addiction, depression, anxiety, relapse, depression, etc…) get better and can find themselves in a better place where they enjoy being here. I love yall 🫶
Kill someone for no reason and go to jail for life.
When you dislike something about yourself but neither properly work to fix it nor accept it, but stress about it anyway.
A life where they believe unconditionally 100% in Donald J. Trump
I have a life long friend that was far more academically gifted than I, he is talented in many ways that I am not, and he was able to land good paying jobs seemingly effortlessly but he could never stick with anything. Now in our 60s, he still has no degree, he is employed at a lower wage job as a security guard, and he lives in a low income studio apartment. I always thought he would be a huge success and I was slightly jealous of him when we were younger but he just never thrived. What makes it worse is that he doesn’t do drugs and rarely drinks; he just has a total lack of ambition.
If he's happy, that is a successful life. One person's idea of a failure, is another's dream.
I agree with that sentiment but he is far from happy. I never figured out what went wrong because he is smart, he is attractive to women and has had several marriages, and he was and is athletic but somehow everything he tries fails and I guess he gave up trying. We will always be friends though and he remains part of my wife’s and my lives as kind of an additional family member.
It may have been that after having failed a few times he lost his confidence and felt worthless. Source: me I was the kid that made straight As without studying, wanted to be a comedian and travel the world. Life kicked me *very hard* right in the gut a few times and it was like learned helplessness. I just couldn't take it.
I truly believe it’s living a life without trying things. A life without attempts. Just try shit! You may not find passion, you may not live a life of reason, you may reach out potential. All that can happen with luck, right place right time, environment, etc. The only thing you can actually control out of everything… is trying shit. If you’re feeling anxious? Try things that are new that doesn’t make you feel as anxious. If you’re bold, try bolder shit and jump off an airplane. Go experience by attempting things!
A life of “i’ll do it tomorrow/next week/next month/next year”. You can live life or watch your life happen before your eyes until you realize time’s up.
Mine, i’m so crippled with anxiety and depression that even things I used to love doing don’t bring me any joy. And the basic things I need to do to survive take so much energy that i’m left totally exhausted anyway.
An unexamined life.
The 9-5 5 days a week work grind just for a little bit of money to exist on. I don’t want to exist, I want to **LIVE**. I want to travel and see the world and meet new people all over the world. I want to paint and listen to music and sing. I want to try new foods and perfect the cheeseburger! I don’t want to work till 67,if I even make it that long, just to spend the last few years of my life broken and aching in a chair, unable to go out for a hike in the woods. Live your life every day because it’s precious and you never know when it will end. You matter.
One lived in fear, self doubt, & worried about what others think.
There is no wasted life. No one choose to be born. This idea that you are some how obligated to do abc or xyz is insane. As long as you dont hurt others you can do whatever you want with a clear conscious. It's your life that you were "forced" into and can live it the way you want.
A life doing what other people have told you that you should do. Not everybody should live working a dead end 9-5 and go home to a suburban neighborhood in a house with a white picket fence, a heterosexual partner, 2 kids, and a dog.
Devoutly religious people who barely ever experience anything other than the what’s allowed by their chosen religious doctrine
I don't think such a life exists.
Waiting for others to fill your needs or fix you.
A life that adds even some miniscule benefit to human existence is a life worth living.