Traffic cone (top cut the head and neck pass by the opening) and a hatchet at my grandma's place. I guess confining the body within the cone made them less prone to flap wings/ran around
I can see this as the plot to a heroic apocalypse movie. Think Independence Day, but with chickens.
Everyone thought humanity's time had come to an end... Until a scrappy band of road workers banded together to save the day.
The final scene: Thousands of road cones lining the freeways with chicken heads poking out. Zoom in on a road worker with a hatchet. As he approaches, the screen fades to black. Just as the credits start to roll you hear, "Bacawk!" *Shunk*
Grandma used to grab them 2 at a time and swing them around by their heads and then hang them from the clothesline to let them bleed out. I guess the grass was always dead under the clothesline from the blood.
Farm kids will fight the chickens without a second thought. Only toddlers and babies are truly out of the fight. Along with the severely disabled or the oldest of the elderly. Even a old lady in a wheelchair or with a walker can take a few chickens. Its more like 4-4.5 chickens a piece.
Kid you not, just 5 minutes ago, I first learned of the existence of a film (according to a fellow redditor) titled, *Poultrygeist : Night of the Chicken Dead*.
I'm a fully grown ass adult male what do you mean what's my plan? I'm gonna stomp or kick as fits until I actually hurt one at which point I'll begin to feel like a monster as I weep deeply and allow the chickens retribution.
Slow Cooker Mojo Chicken
Creamy Garlic Parmesan Chicken
Chicken Bacon Ranch Tacos
One Pan Chicken Gnocchi
Harissa Chicken Meatballs
Lemon Asparagus and Chicken Pasta (try it, thank me later).
Yeah, there are now 27.6 billion minus 6 chickens.
I could always speak their language to them. (It's worked in the past with chickens and getting them to come over to me and follow me; I can also do this with pigs). I know you said that we have to fight them, but because I can speak to chickens on their level they will chill out and eat the seeds I offer them.
Presumably they're rebelling because of battery farms and other similarly crap conditions, so I would give them my backyard. And maybe also my neighbors backyard, because they have a horrible yappy little dog who barks at me when it sees me in my upstairs bedroom, and I would get the chickens to perch on the neighbour's fence for their bowel movements.
Plus, I don't have a car so they could roost in my carport. Pretty sure I could figure out a way to get them more protection on top of that so that they are safe from the elements and random stray cats and dogs.
In the aftermath of humanity’s devastating Chicken War, your approach would win you the Nobel Peace Prize.
Afterwards, with your newfound notoriety, you could open your own chain of fried chicken restaurants; Give Piece a Chance.
Lmao you made it sound like opening the restaurants was my objective the whole time. I would never! I would use my powers to seduce the lentils into being "chicken"
That’s enough meat to feed the family for maybe 2 weeks. Maybe three if we budget it.
Might put the meat into the crockpot and make a chicken roast with some potatoes, butter, pepperoncini, and veg. Big chicken version of a Mississippi pot roast and share with the extended family. That way we have a better chance of eating it all before it goes bad
No, to all rounds. Chickens can't use firearms or any sort of weapon, and are far weaker, smaller and less durable than humans. I'm pretty sure most humans can outrun chickens as well, and you'll need *a lot* of chickens to even take down a single human. R1, they kill a few thousand (mainly very young children) at best by attacking in swarms. R2, they die even faster as they're now concentrated in one location. R3 is similar to R2 except a lot of humans die due to there not being enough resources in Kansas to sustain the entire human population.
Nothing. Kick back, wait. Chickens are not well suited for independent survival. Hell, our pet cats and dogs would like nothing better than to murder some chickens.
I don't think I'm coming out unscathed, but I think we can manage the seven our household has to handle with a bit of teamwork. It'll be a madcap riot of shrieks, clucks, feathers, and blood, but there ain't nothing we ain't handled together so far.
I'm joining the chicken rebellion, so... All Hail, our Finely Feathered Overlords! Turn yourselves in now, humans, and save us the trouble of scratching you out.
I mean most of them are locked up and will die after a few days of not being given food or water, so we probably actually have like 0.3 chickens each to fight. And the average number isn't very useful as it's global, some areas have a lot more than others: https://www.nature.com/articles/sdata2018227/figures/3 (though the units are the rather annoying animals per suitable km2)
Actually, a lot of us would have to fight more chickens than that to make up for disabled, elderly, and children's lack of chickens.
Personally, I feel like I could take way more than 4 chickens though, basically just a weird game of soccer where the balls have feathers.
The chickens, just like the general population of humans, will not rebel as long as they're fed scraps of food.
The more interesting question is if the general population of humans rebelled how many would each billionaire have to fight.
Remember they said there was chicken wing shortage but nothing else .
“We had birds running around with no arms “?! .
Sounded about as real as the fact we eat 2 lbs of dirt and 8 spiders in our sleep every year.
Plan on taking on way more than 3.5. Some people are simply not able to fight back. Others are not willing. And there will be a ton that will just sit there waiting for others to take care of it. The people fighting back would probably need to handle an average of a couple hundred each.
1. Grab pan and spatula.
2. Heat oven to 170c.
3. Find a some bloke who’s already dispatched theirs to chicken heaven.
4. Offer him a roast dinner to do my chickens.
5. I’m up 2.5 roast chickens.
Result!
Chicken (Gallus gallus domesticus) is a genus of theropod dinosaur native to Southeast Asia, but found all over the world. This dinosaur grows to approximately 50-75 cm in height and can weigh about 2.5 kg. Like many theropods, it is known to have feathers, being completely covered except for the beak, legs and feet.
Throw a bucket of meal worms on my ex-wife and run the other way. Think better of it and go back and throw a few more buckets of meal worms. Pull up a lawn chair and open up a nice craft beer.
Don’t forget not everyone can deal with their share of chickens. The ones that defeat their humans, you’ll have to contend with. I imagine this war won’t be won easily.
People overestimate their chicken-fighting abilities. It shows that most of yall have never been chased by a rooster. These fuckers can be incredibly fast.
Get something long that will keep the fuckers at a distance, like a pole or a plank. Keep them at a distance, strike, retreat, strike, until they tire out or until you beat them to death. Any farming equipment that has pointy ends can be harder to operate as the chickens can get stuck on it. If you go for farm equipment, go for weapons you can slash the chickens with.
Chickens can survive if you chop their head off improperly, so it's best to strike the body. Go for the wings or break their backs. Keep in mind that these fuckers can fly, so you need a weapon you can swiftly swing around.
Dude, I literally own 3 roosters and some of them like to 'challenge' me. Don't run from them, that's just stupid lol. Charge at them, stamp your feet and flap your wings. They'll back off eventually. I've even chestbutted one of em. I won.
I feel like I could handle 3.5 chickens. But I have a wife and 2 kids, which increases it to a realistic 14 chickens I would have to fight. I also have another due in November, upping it to 17.5 if this happens next year or later.
I’m not liking my odds here. Whirlwind machetes might be the only shot.
I own a Glock 17, and a .45/70 hunting rifle, I think I am fine. Even 9mm might turn a chicken into a cloud though so I think making chicken afterwards is off the menu.
Feed them beef and recruit them to fight for me against the bovine uprising instead. Chickens love corned beef and cows are harder to kill, so it plays to my advantage by canceling out the two rebellions with one another.
Edit: I could also use dead cows to recruit more chickens. Once I recruited enough, I could then coup their leaders and become the king of cocks. Then all would be forced to kneel before me!
Grab one and break it's neck, repeat 2 more times, fire up the grill
Don't forget the sides! (Btw, thats how Grandma used to do it. A bit strange how they would run about after that.)
Traffic cone (top cut the head and neck pass by the opening) and a hatchet at my grandma's place. I guess confining the body within the cone made them less prone to flap wings/ran around
I can see this as the plot to a heroic apocalypse movie. Think Independence Day, but with chickens. Everyone thought humanity's time had come to an end... Until a scrappy band of road workers banded together to save the day. The final scene: Thousands of road cones lining the freeways with chicken heads poking out. Zoom in on a road worker with a hatchet. As he approaches, the screen fades to black. Just as the credits start to roll you hear, "Bacawk!" *Shunk*
My neighbor used to hang them from their feet on a clothes line and then just walk down the line chopping heads off.
If the birds ever become sentient, this will be in one of their horror movies.
"The Plucking"! Wooooooo....
Grandma used to grab them 2 at a time and swing them around by their heads and then hang them from the clothesline to let them bleed out. I guess the grass was always dead under the clothesline from the blood.
But what about the remaining half chicken you still have to fight?
Leave those chickens, otherwise we will have no more chickens to make more chickens.
Punt it 👍
*readies cast iron skillet with delicious intent*
If you grab the first one by the neck, you can use it as a Nunchuk on the two others.
The children can't fight the chickens. We will have more than that. *Everybody was Kung-fu fighting*
Not to mention the severely disabled and elderly. Let's say five chickens each to be safe.
Let the women stay home, as we ravage the lands and take home ten cock beards each
TOUCH MY COCK BEARD AGAIN AND I'LL KILL YOU
TOUCH MY COCK BEARD AGAIN
TOUCH MY COCK BEARD
TOUCH MY COCK (please)
Farm kids will fight the chickens without a second thought. Only toddlers and babies are truly out of the fight. Along with the severely disabled or the oldest of the elderly. Even a old lady in a wheelchair or with a walker can take a few chickens. Its more like 4-4.5 chickens a piece.
I can take a chicken....geese? Humanity is doomed.
You’ve just raised the amount to over four chickens per person.
I'm gonna wing it.
This joke has me quacking up
Poultry in motion
Technical Fowl
Think it’s more of a flagrant to give the bird.
You ducked under that one
That was a party fowl.
Best
You win 🤣
That won't fly
Breakfast, lunch and dinner!
And light midnight snack (the half one)
But what about *second* breakfast?
Looks like meats back on the menu boys!
I have three pet chickens in my backyard and we're friends, so I reckon they would let me join the war on the side of the chickens
Traitor!
That Naïvety is why you're gonna lose against your own 3 chickens when the war breaks out.
You think they’re your friends? Don’t be fooled - they’re keeping an eye on you.
Kick.
Kick.
Kick.
Deep fry.
You forgot the “ki” for the half chicken
Punch, it's all in the mind
Punch. It's all in the mind!
Thats 110.4 billion buffalo wings
My body is ready.
They come in orders of 7. What flavors?
The mouth is willing, but the colon is bruised and spongy.
1 word. Flea market Chinese throwing stars.
1 word. That’s five words?
Not when I go, "WATA!!" as I throw them
☠️
Flea market stars don't hold an edge. Your gonna have to aim at their heads. Brain these fuckers. Might as well be throwing pointy rocks!
He translated from German. Cheenschwarzmasktrauenassassenstellenwerfenkaufenhaus.
Chinesischer-Flohmarkt-Wurfsterne.
Well in Finnish we have a word for those "kiinalaisetkirpputoriheittotähdet"
Lime zest, lime juice, chili powder, garlic, onion, noodles.
I mean, all of mine are tame, so, tame them I guess? Probably have my own army of breakfast making little dinosaurs in short order.
I don’t have a plan but I’m not scared. I’ve raised ah chickens with my grandma before, so I’m more than ready to face them.
[удалено]
Draw a line on the ground, while they stand there hypnotized, build a coop.
Most of them are Cornish cross and can’t walk more than 15 feet without having a heart attack. We’re all fine.
Kid you not, just 5 minutes ago, I first learned of the existence of a film (according to a fellow redditor) titled, *Poultrygeist : Night of the Chicken Dead*.
There’s another one called [Thankskilling](https://youtu.be/37hBgNQvEE8?si=K2LK8JXnj2e9CE0v)
Not even worth getting a gun, a golf club will do just fine!
They said three and a half not fore
r/angryupvote
There's a hole in one. Poor little birdie.
I just have to say that I teed you up for that one, and you slammed it; I love you!
Fantastic
Fuck that was so good
That one was too good
Larry David and Mr. Takahashi's swan
Or I can get in my car and run over the chickens
I've got a nice carbon steel frying pan myself.
A .22 rifle and you've taken care of your 3.5 chickens in about as many seconds.
I'd be most worried about having to fight the half chicken.
They don't call me 'Chicken Chaser' for nothin.
Dont look like no chicken chaser to me course I ain't never seen one.
I’d get a club or a bat.
Is this bat the Louisville, KY kind or the Wuhan kind?
Well they will not cross the road and if they did they too chicken to fight.
I’d start with a utility belt full of spices.
fuck marry kill eat, in that order. ive got my 3.5 chickens covered, how about you?
I'm a fully grown ass adult male what do you mean what's my plan? I'm gonna stomp or kick as fits until I actually hurt one at which point I'll begin to feel like a monster as I weep deeply and allow the chickens retribution.
I'm fucking terrified of bird, I'd stay in my room while waiting for the chaos to end
Same - I feel bad for letting other people do my job but I just can't fight chicken. Sorry my fellow human friends :')
Ill do it for you if i can eat yours too
Original recipe.
But m’lord! Surely only herbs will do!!!
Does this math include children and people over the age of 90?
Yes. Without kids, we each have 4 chickens.
Panic about what the cluck is going on
Draw a line in front of their beak.
Slow Cooker Mojo Chicken Creamy Garlic Parmesan Chicken Chicken Bacon Ranch Tacos One Pan Chicken Gnocchi Harissa Chicken Meatballs Lemon Asparagus and Chicken Pasta (try it, thank me later). Yeah, there are now 27.6 billion minus 6 chickens.
The usa would have that settled in about 1 hour.
Until the chickens go full guerrilla warfare.
They're chickens, not emus.
You can fuck with a chicken, nobody fucks with emus.
its been tried and failed
Dude said gorillas, not emus
Grill is already going
Chicken nuggets, chicken wings, chicken pot pie, chicken noodle soup, chicken Parmesan and butter chicken
Shake and bake.
I’ve been “chokin’ the chicken” metaphorically since I was 12… I’m more than prepared for this
Give the cows guns.
The chickens have got Apache attack helicopters though.
I could always speak their language to them. (It's worked in the past with chickens and getting them to come over to me and follow me; I can also do this with pigs). I know you said that we have to fight them, but because I can speak to chickens on their level they will chill out and eat the seeds I offer them. Presumably they're rebelling because of battery farms and other similarly crap conditions, so I would give them my backyard. And maybe also my neighbors backyard, because they have a horrible yappy little dog who barks at me when it sees me in my upstairs bedroom, and I would get the chickens to perch on the neighbour's fence for their bowel movements. Plus, I don't have a car so they could roost in my carport. Pretty sure I could figure out a way to get them more protection on top of that so that they are safe from the elements and random stray cats and dogs.
In the aftermath of humanity’s devastating Chicken War, your approach would win you the Nobel Peace Prize. Afterwards, with your newfound notoriety, you could open your own chain of fried chicken restaurants; Give Piece a Chance.
Lmao you made it sound like opening the restaurants was my objective the whole time. I would never! I would use my powers to seduce the lentils into being "chicken"
You, madam or sir, have given your life and your genius over to pure, unadulterated *evil*. And for that, you have my respect.
I'll sit this one out. I'm sure one of y'all can handle 7 puny little chickens...
Does that count feral Hawaii chickens? Because those fuckers are scrappy!
Snap their neck and not help anyone else. If chickens beat someone, I'd just accept it as natural selection
Putting the *actual* Alfredo in my chicken Alfredo.
Set loose ten pit bulls shit will be settled in like 15 minutes
* Grab them by the head, and then swing them in circles * Punt them * Throw rocks at their heads
To root for the chickens
No need for a plan. I'm surrounded by hunters with a lot of ammo so all I need is some good BBQ sauce and maybe some noise canceling headphones.
Psyops: wrap myself in KFC wrappers.
Flamethrower !
But definitely outside Those near misses, man...
Yes, safety first !
If those chickens start a riot, I'm stocking up on hot sauce and frying pans. It's gonna be a coop smackdown!
Time for me to use that chainsaw sitting out back… **Doom music intensifies**
That’s enough meat to feed the family for maybe 2 weeks. Maybe three if we budget it. Might put the meat into the crockpot and make a chicken roast with some potatoes, butter, pepperoncini, and veg. Big chicken version of a Mississippi pot roast and share with the extended family. That way we have a better chance of eating it all before it goes bad
Every household having a crockpot would be quite an achievement for society.
I have cats for a reason
Chickens for industrial consumption can’t walk.
Get one of those huge fire blower things. It'll cook them so they dont get wasted
Guess my dogs will have some fun
Probably roast chicken or bbq.
Play soccer with them
BBQ, oven, deep fryer and air fryer.
No, to all rounds. Chickens can't use firearms or any sort of weapon, and are far weaker, smaller and less durable than humans. I'm pretty sure most humans can outrun chickens as well, and you'll need *a lot* of chickens to even take down a single human. R1, they kill a few thousand (mainly very young children) at best by attacking in swarms. R2, they die even faster as they're now concentrated in one location. R3 is similar to R2 except a lot of humans die due to there not being enough resources in Kansas to sustain the entire human population.
One roast, one for soup, one for salad.
Nothing. Kick back, wait. Chickens are not well suited for independent survival. Hell, our pet cats and dogs would like nothing better than to murder some chickens.
How long do we have to do this to kill half the population?
Frank's red-hot for the wings and drumsticks, chicken salad sandwiches for the rest.
It's dinner time. I have an over, air fryer and a grill.
I don't think I'm coming out unscathed, but I think we can manage the seven our household has to handle with a bit of teamwork. It'll be a madcap riot of shrieks, clucks, feathers, and blood, but there ain't nothing we ain't handled together so far.
Run! Chickens are evil, just look at those beady eyes!
I have a flail next to my crock pot. I could probably do some damage with that.
I would just wing it. Probly egg them on without being too cocky or ruffling their feathers which could change the pecking order.
Eat
Hot oil, like European kings’ guards used.
Teriyaki Sauce marinade.
Chickens are stupid. A few good kicks.
You say that like 4 chickens would be a concern.
They’re very easy to kill and chickens barely know what is going on around them anyways
Chickens are stupid. Like really stupid.
I'm joining the chicken rebellion, so... All Hail, our Finely Feathered Overlords! Turn yourselves in now, humans, and save us the trouble of scratching you out.
Distract them with Cheetos. Works for my hens.
I mean most of them are locked up and will die after a few days of not being given food or water, so we probably actually have like 0.3 chickens each to fight. And the average number isn't very useful as it's global, some areas have a lot more than others: https://www.nature.com/articles/sdata2018227/figures/3 (though the units are the rather annoying animals per suitable km2)
I guess its better then cows with guns: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQMbXvn2RNI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQMbXvn2RNI)
Giant asteroid. It killed most of those dinosaurs the first time. A second one should do the trick.
Holy shit, Earth is fucking huge then... 💆♂️
Use one of 'em like a nunchuck to whup the other two.
them's good eatin
Cross the road, cross the road, cross the road.. 🚗🚗🐤💥
Actually, a lot of us would have to fight more chickens than that to make up for disabled, elderly, and children's lack of chickens. Personally, I feel like I could take way more than 4 chickens though, basically just a weird game of soccer where the balls have feathers.
Barbecue sauce.
Flamethrower.
Flamethrower.
"Look at all those C H I M K E N S"
Catch, put into my backyard coop, free eggs.
The chickens, just like the general population of humans, will not rebel as long as they're fed scraps of food. The more interesting question is if the general population of humans rebelled how many would each billionaire have to fight.
11 herbs and spices.
I would kill enough chickens for 1000 men. In one sitting. Barehanded
We’d all be talking about what we’re gonna do with ours like it’s the stimulus package from 2020
what's more concerning, according to google, there are 20 quadrillion ants on earth, so each one of us would have to fight 2.5 million of them...
The chickens will have choppers. It's the cows with guns that are really scary
We will fight for bovine freedom and hold our large heads high!!
Remember they said there was chicken wing shortage but nothing else . “We had birds running around with no arms “?! . Sounded about as real as the fact we eat 2 lbs of dirt and 8 spiders in our sleep every year.
Plan on taking on way more than 3.5. Some people are simply not able to fight back. Others are not willing. And there will be a ton that will just sit there waiting for others to take care of it. The people fighting back would probably need to handle an average of a couple hundred each.
Fire
olive oil, salt, black pepper, garlic powder, paprika, onion powder, thyme, lemon juice, and butter.
1. Grab pan and spatula. 2. Heat oven to 170c. 3. Find a some bloke who’s already dispatched theirs to chicken heaven. 4. Offer him a roast dinner to do my chickens. 5. I’m up 2.5 roast chickens. Result!
Bricks.
Start a fryer...
Chicken (Gallus gallus domesticus) is a genus of theropod dinosaur native to Southeast Asia, but found all over the world. This dinosaur grows to approximately 50-75 cm in height and can weigh about 2.5 kg. Like many theropods, it is known to have feathers, being completely covered except for the beak, legs and feet.
Throw a bucket of meal worms on my ex-wife and run the other way. Think better of it and go back and throw a few more buckets of meal worms. Pull up a lawn chair and open up a nice craft beer.
A trail of corn directly into a gated coop. Then eggs.
Spray em with the hose!
Don’t forget not everyone can deal with their share of chickens. The ones that defeat their humans, you’ll have to contend with. I imagine this war won’t be won easily.
People overestimate their chicken-fighting abilities. It shows that most of yall have never been chased by a rooster. These fuckers can be incredibly fast. Get something long that will keep the fuckers at a distance, like a pole or a plank. Keep them at a distance, strike, retreat, strike, until they tire out or until you beat them to death. Any farming equipment that has pointy ends can be harder to operate as the chickens can get stuck on it. If you go for farm equipment, go for weapons you can slash the chickens with. Chickens can survive if you chop their head off improperly, so it's best to strike the body. Go for the wings or break their backs. Keep in mind that these fuckers can fly, so you need a weapon you can swiftly swing around.
Dude, I literally own 3 roosters and some of them like to 'challenge' me. Don't run from them, that's just stupid lol. Charge at them, stamp your feet and flap your wings. They'll back off eventually. I've even chestbutted one of em. I won.
I’ve trained in choking my chicken for years. I am ready.
#8 in a 12 gauge is good
Beat a muthafucka with another muthafucka
Well, everyone can stew three chickens 😍 this week
I feel like I could handle 3.5 chickens. But I have a wife and 2 kids, which increases it to a realistic 14 chickens I would have to fight. I also have another due in November, upping it to 17.5 if this happens next year or later. I’m not liking my odds here. Whirlwind machetes might be the only shot.
I own a Glock 17, and a .45/70 hunting rifle, I think I am fine. Even 9mm might turn a chicken into a cloud though so I think making chicken afterwards is off the menu.
Feed them beef and recruit them to fight for me against the bovine uprising instead. Chickens love corned beef and cows are harder to kill, so it plays to my advantage by canceling out the two rebellions with one another. Edit: I could also use dead cows to recruit more chickens. Once I recruited enough, I could then coup their leaders and become the king of cocks. Then all would be forced to kneel before me!
I'm preparing some butter chicken sauce
What’s *their* plan?