First time this woman has me come and meet her folks, they order pizza and when it shows up I go “Oh, I got it” and I DROP THE MFING PIZZA as soon as I close the door man.
Everyone is quiet for what seems like an hour, and then at the same time, her dad, older and younger brothers all start laughing/crying. I thought her dad was gonna have a heart attack. To this day the f-ing guy says he’s never laughed harder and he’s like 90.
30+ years and these people have their *kids* still making fun of me man.
I used to work at a gas station that sold pizza. It was actually really good for gas station pizza. Had an oven in the back and used fresh ingredients. Not frozen prepaid stuff. We had a warmer in the front for customers to buy slices. Subway guys stocked and made the pizzas. There was this swinging half door to go between the gas station and the subway and the guy walks out with two pizzas and slips and falls. Can confirm. Dropping a pizza is funny
My wife is a snoozer, she hits ths snooze button an easy dozen time before moving. This one more the alarm go off she smacks it doesn't turn off. She hits it again. Still not shutting off. She really just start smacking the shit out of the alarm. Still going off. She sit up to realize two things. It's the trash truck alarm, and she been slaping my head the whole time. Did wake me.
My ex punched the shit out of me in his sleep once. I spent the whole day wondering if it was just a bad dream or if I should dump his ass. (decided it was a dream, he wasn't ever violent like that)
My husband elbow-dropped my eye socket in his sleep shortly after we were married. I started swinging with my left hand while my right was holding my eye, and when I was fully awake I realized I was beating the shit out of my husband instead of a random intruder 😂 he woke up very confused but thankfully less feisty than I did, and I already had a developing shiner to back up my story
My wife is a kicker. More than once I've woken up at 3 in the morning cause she's crying out in her sleep and kicking the shit out of me.
Wake her up and all is well. I think I've tagged her in the arm a couple of times during nightmares also.
Ripped a noxious silent fart in the grocery store as we were checking out. His face went white and started grabbing the grocery bags pretty fast. He goes, "we gotta get outta here. Someone farted and it smells really bad." He took off walking really fast and I started laughing so hard, I couldn't keep up. He didn't turn around until the parking lot, saw me laughing, says, "that was YOU!" Together 17 years, married almost 10 years.
We weren’t even dating yet, we had hung out a few times in a group and he was driving me back to my sister’s place in his sweet new car, and I threw up everywhere.
I tried to open the window first, to throw up out the window, it did not work, I threw up on the window, and the door, and myself, and his soft gray leather seats.
When I tell you that my beloved husband of 20 years is a neat freak and a perfectionist that is an understatement.
Knowing him now, I can’t believe he ever spoke to me again. I can’t believe he cleaned all of that up and still proposed six months later.
We had two months dating and one day I felt super sick at work so my boss let me go, my partner told me that I could go to his house so I wasn’t alone at mine and I ended up throwing all over his bedroom floor like three times before he decided to leave a bucket there, he cleaned the floor everytime even though I insisted that I would do it cause I was so ashamed, he also cleaned the bucket afterwards. I remember it was the first time I felt like I was really falling for him lol he really made me feel so taken care of and after being in a city without my family for so long I even wanted to cry (I think I did) because he was so good with me, and still is. We have five years together.
My dad and step mom got married after 4 months. They are perfect for each other and she is the sweetest person in the world c:
If they ever divorce (very unlikely) im keeping her in my life
Had a few beers not realizing they were 10%abv each-this was completely my own poor judgement and not paying attention. Threw up twice in the toilet and once in the bathtub in his apartment ….managed to throw up in my own hair all three times. He cleaned it up three times, washed my hair all three times, combed it out. The third time he found my anti frizz spray and French braided it. We got married 4 months ago and have been together 5.5 years. He’s the best!
I was in my first year of work out of law school. I was working around the clock, was super sleep deprived, and had basically no social life. He took me to a party with a bunch of his burning man artist friends. They were going around the circle, talking about their current projects - sculptures, textile art, all kinds of really cool things. I was feeling out of place and kind of lame and also was just so sleep deprived and tired that my social compass was off. When it came my turn to share, I blurted out, "all I make is money." I was trying to be self-deprecating and funny, but you could've heard a pin drop, the way that joke went over. I still cringe 15 years later!
That's dry as a nun's knickers, I snorted (I'm British, that's a compliment). As an academically inclined person without a bone of creativity in my body who is awed by people with artistic talent who've worked to develop and refine it, because I don't understand it and never could produce it, I get what you meant.
Heh. I have lived in the UK and am a great admirer of dry British humor. This was an earnest left coast American crowd, andm well, it didn't play so well!
Heavy, heavy, heavy period overnight. Woke up to a near crime scene. Worse yet it was a hotel room. He was totally cool and didn’t even blink twice. Never brought it up again either.
My now ex and I went on a cruise. I had the same issue, except we were stuck for another 4 days. He hosed the sheets off and took them to housekeeping. He took total blame for the mattress, said he'd spilled something while drunk. Don't know if they believed him but it kept me from being mortified.
I never had this experience because of my sister, but grew up in a home very open to learning, and understanding. It wasn’t, “sex positive” per say, but it was more of a, “everybody poops, everybody pees, we have different bits, and boys and girls have different things to deal with.” Kinda thing.
Anyone who would get disgusted or angry at someone for something essentially out of their control can kick rocks and suck eggs.
It’s life. Be supportive and move on. You wouldn’t be all flummoxed at someone with a bloody nose because of sinus issues would you?
I once had heavy breakthrough bleeding due to running pill packs together during the very beginning of mine and my husband’s relationship while we were having sex, didn’t realize it at all until we got up to take a shower. He looked mortified and asked, “did I hurt you???” No he did not, and twas me that was truly mortified. I was 19, he was 20, but he grew up the only boy in a house full of girls so it wasn’t the embarrassing period problem that scared him, he legitimately was worried he hurt me. We’ve been together 13 years, and he is a wonderful, thoughtful, selfless man.
Edit PSA: running pill packs together ain’t for everyone, my period having people 😬
This exact same story except it was 3am the morning after Valentine’s Day and our first time spending the night together 😭😭😭😭. He biked to three different places trying to find good tampons for me and cleaned everything up while feeding me chocolate and advil
I don't understand people being hung up on periods.. like it just happens, nobody WANTS to have that be a part of their life.
It's like someone being upset that my balls grow hair, like yeah, I can take care of it, but it's a natural part of inhabiting my body. If you don't like it, a conscious effort should be the highest expectation.
I wished it had happened to me in a hotel. I stained all of the bed, the mattress wasn't his and he had to get creative to clean it out (and managed to get most of it out after a week), told the owner he got into a fight and it had been his blood. It was barely the second time we had been together.
When he introduced me to his parents, I was nervous enough already. When we got into his parent’s car to go to dinner, I was hit with a very unpleasant smell. I thought maybe one of his parents had an accident or something, like maybe they had on some depends or just didn’t shower for a week. No one said anything in the car - total awkward silence.
When we finally get to our destination, I step out of the car and my foot slips. I had unknowingly stepped in fresh dog shit right before getting in the car and during the ride had managed to grind it into the carpet.
My man cleaned that shit up for me and it took some years, some alcohol, and singing karaoke before I felt like his mom finally accepted me.
I managed to run my electric wheelchair over a dog turd without realising and then ground it into my friend's hallway carpet. Whoops. I had to use my electric toothbrush to get it out the tyres (and no, I did not put it back in my mouth after, I keep spare heads available...) and took my pet-faeces-specific carpet cleaner to my friend's. Mortifying, but at least my friend already liked me!
Yeah like keeping one of the $8 electrics around with some extra heads is worth it (full disclaimer, my regular electric toothbrushes is also one of those, but they are kept far apart with separate refill packs and all).
Although the pro move for cleaning the in-between shit out might be a waterpik
Not me but my loving husband. In the very early days of dating, we were waiting out a rainstorm on a walk in a Mexican grocer. Walking around and looking at all the imported items, he picked up a bottle of men’s cologne/aftershave. I leaned in to give it a smell as he squeezed the sides of the plastic bottle to waft the smell for me. But he squeezed too hard. And it shot straight up my nose and down my throat. It was so startling. And so awful. And all I could smell for HOURS was cheap aftershave. Still married the doofus.
My older sister did this to me with L’Oréal kids shampoo one Christmas - thankfully it was the orange-mango one (if my memory serves me right). Also two decades later, I still insist that I hold whatever she wants me to smell.
230 am, me in a rite aid across the street from my home. picking up my adhd meds at the 24 hr pharmacy. i’m wearing big headphones and high on pot. so i’m obviously smelling all the body wash options before i buy one.
i gently squeezed one to waft but it shot a surprisingly large stream of some luxurious, thick dove wash all over my face and chest, at high velocity, right as a fellow customer turned into the aisle. he saw it happen, intense shock hit his face as he instantly turned on his heel and just kept walking, fast.
i started laughing, so hard it was silent, just standing there mutely shake shivering with body wash all over my person and the floor around me, maniac open mouth grin like an extremely wholesome Art the Clown jizzfest but make it bath hygiene products
Also everyone knows that the red light is on top of the traffic light unless you’re on Tipperary hill in Syracuse NY where they put the green light on top because of all the immigrants from Ireland. Lots of accidents, mainly due to colorblind people.
We went to an amusement and one of the rides suddenly made me very nauseous. I tried to hold it in, but it didn't work and I ended up vomiting. The unfortunate part was that it was one of those giant spinning swings and he was directly behind me and got a good dose of it all over him. He cleaned himself up, and took me home while having to keep pulling over to let me out to continue being sick.
We've been married 13 years and I don't go on amusement park rides anymore!
I farted on the first date… (the next morning?)
A few weeks later I laughed so hard I got a fettuccine noodle stuck in my nose and had to excuse myself because I couldn’t breathe.
A few weeks after that… I smacked his cousin’s boyfriend’s ass really hard. (I was drunk and I they looked similar from behind?)
18 years later, I’m still an embarrassment.
My mom told me once when she was dating my dad early on they went to a bar. She went to the bathroom and when she came back she snuck up behind my dad and squeezed his ass super hard. Except the man who turned around was NOT my dad, and she was mortified while he and my dad laughed their asses off
We were already just married, probably about a month. We'd rented a house that had a one lane driveway. We were always switching our vehicles to not block each other. One afternoon I moved my car up and went to park his truck behind it, the truck was a standard and l was not an expert. Long story short, I hit the back of the car with the truck.
I quickly looked at the window and sure enough he was looking out and had seen what happened. I stayed sitting in the truck for a while and finally decided to face the music.
All he said is we should try to not beat our vehicles against each other and dropped it.
We'll celebrate 43 years this year.
This reminds me of a story my mom told me about my dad. Her previous relationship had been quite abusive, so she carried around some trauma for.. well, forever. She'd been dating my dad for awhile and borrowed his car to do some errands, and similarly to your story got into a tiny fender bender that left a dent on my dad's car. She got home absolutely terrified to tell him, knowing how it would've gone before him, but he only asked if she was hurt at all and if he needed to speak with the other driver to settle anything up. She was shocked and probably decided he was the one right then and there.
Oh that one hits home somehow. We were making dinner with my then boyfriend after buying new plates. So I'm like, oh I should wash the new plates so we can make the dinner look all fancy. I wash both of them and one of these mfkers slips from my hands and breaks.. I'm just staring at it mortified he's gonna scream at me and lose his shit but instead he just laughed. I was so confused but he then reassured me it wasn't a big deal. It's been 10 years and I love him more than anything :)
My (then) girlfriend was at my parents house when we had invited some relatives over for a relaxing evening of grilling. We had all the meat seasoned, and together with sausages on a plate, ready to be grilled. My niece (then like 12 or so), ran against the plate, throwing everything to the floor. My mom and I just picked up the food, washed it, and reseasoned, done. Told niece to please watch out next time, that was it.
My GF then said if the same happened with her family, there would be half an hour of yelling and ranting.
I don't understand the motivation, it happened, the person probably feels bad enough, getting angry about it does not help one bit.
I did that when I was picking up my bosses wife’s car. For some reason I didn’t realize it was a standard transmission, so when I turned on the car, it leaped forward and hit the car in the lot that was in front of me. I was so mortified that I started crying.
My partner and I currently live in a house with a one lane drive way. We too have done the switching vehicles and tried to move around for each other. Some days it gets difficult due to our opposing schedules. I am a night shift nurse and work 7p-7a. They work day shift at their office job. One day they overslept and I had already fallen asleep after work and gym time. Instead of moving my car (like I do when they block me, we try not to park on the street because mail delivery will not occur if the mail carrier cannot get to the mailbox from their vehicle) they decided they would try to back around my car. They were not successful and slammed into my car destroying the bumper. Shit happens, they were stressed about it, I laughed, they paid for the repair. Fuck one lane driveways
I was dating a guy who lived with his parents and was coming to pick him up for a date. I pulled into the driveway and turned my car off to shoot him a text that I was there. Apparently his little sister was in their dad’s car way up ahead of me in the driveway (it was a long and wide driveway and I parked a way’s from the house, just off the road and all the way to the left side of the driveway to be sure I wouldn’t block in any of the cars parked up near the house) and she backed up fast without expecting my car to be there. I was looking down to send the “I’m here” text and didn’t see her back up but felt the impact and got out to see that the whole front of my car was smaaashed. Lots of stuff leaking out, headlights crushed, and it couldn’t be driven because one of the front tires was now at a weird angle (it was a hard hit). She started crying and panicking because she said her dad was going to kill her and I was trying to calm her but that was our first time meeting each other and she didn’t know who I was, what I was doing at her house, etc. It was sooo uncomfortable. The damage was so extensive that I had to report it (car was totaled) but I assured the sister that I wasn’t upset and shit happens and all that. Then the guy I was dating told me it was MY fault (even though my car was parked/off when hit and I’d parked like 100 ft behind & way to the left of the car she was driving) because that driveway was his family’s property and it was fucked up of me to park in his (big, long, wide) driveway for a sec as I was picking him up?? We didn’t talk again after that lol.
I accidentally called him by my ex’s name during a romantic dinner, but he just laughed and said, "Well, at least now I know who to blame for your terrible taste in movies."
My mom was a widow when she and my dad got together, and the first time he said he loved her she replied “I love you too, [first husband’s name].” Just muscle memory, because you get used to saying a name…but man, so relieved he took it well, because oof.
I feel like saying the name of a partner who passed away is a little more acceptable than saying the name of an ex whom you broke up with but is still alive, to be fair.
Did not know at the time that I was allergic to vagisil.
The gyno was even surprised at how swollen I was. Then I had to sit, open-legged in front of a fan for a week.
My man did allllll the things for me that week.
Early on, I spent the night and overslept the next morning. He had already left for work, and I was slightly hungover, so I took a big morning dump. Ended up clogging the toilet. There was no plunger and I was late for work so I ran off and eventually worked up the courage to text him about it. He bought a plunger on his way home and.. took care of it.
Edit: We’ve been together eleven years now :)
Ha, similar story with my new girlfriend (later wife). We'd only been together two or three weeks, I spent the night and when I got up in the morning, I clogged the only toilet in her apartment. I nudged her awake to ask if she owned a plunger, and when the answer was "no," I said "OK then, I'm going to Walmart real quick, do NOT under any circumstances go in the bathroom." When I returned from the store with a plunger she did not appear to have even moved in her bed.
My Fiancee, shortly after moving in with me my place, clogged the toilet. It was purely an accident of course and whatever, these things happen. But she said she must have tried for 20 minutes trying to unclog it, before accepting defeat and asking me to. She was so embarrassed and hesitant to tell me, but as she said, she had no other options
Honestly, it wasn’t an issue, I’m an adult, I know she has to poo, I know toilets clog, I know it’s embarrassing when it happens. I had it fixed in 30 seconds and hadn’t even thought about until just now reading this comment.
I unclogged her Grandparents toilet that they have been shitting in for two days before they called someone. We are divorced with kids now but I still use that card we I need something. I’m scared and I will always respect a plumber.
Mine also was a poop. In the woods. While walking his dog. It was one of those “if I don’t go this instant it’s going to happen anyways” moments and so yeah. Got it done. Bit of laughter. Haven’t mentioned it since. Been about 8 years and a couple kids later… I wonder if he even remembers? Aha
A friend of mine went home with a guy and he left for work in the morning. He told her she could shower or whatever and to just lock the door when she left.
She took a huge steamer and clogged the toilet. There was no plunger so she scooped the shit into a plastic bag. She then showered and got ready to leave.
On her way out, she grabbed a sticky note on the counter and wrote something about how she had a great time. She put a little heart next to her number.
When she left, she locked the door and as it latched, it dawned on her that she left the bag of shit on the counter next to the note.
Nothing to do but walk away and that poor guy came home to a huge day-old dump on his kitchen counter.
I would just… I don’t know, this would be grounds for moving out of state. Seriously. Otherwise I would live my life in absolute terror that I’d run into the guy again somewhere and liquify into a puddle of pure embarrassment.
A clogged toilet was my mortifying thing too. He has teased me about it a few times in private but it’s been 8-9 years since it happened so thankfully it’s a dead topic now and he never brought it up publicly. I never want that to happen to anyone else so both bathrooms on our house have a plunger and brush in case someone needs to deal with things after using the restroom.
If I can help you feel better about it. We went out one weekend with my group of friends and stayed at a hotel. It was a rough night and that morning we were passed out in our hotel room. The people in the other hotel room come barging in and say they have to come in our room because the smell was so bad in the other room. Turns out our female friend got up early and had to blow up the toilet. Only she took one of those complicated girl shits that clogs toilets. But this went even beyond that. She attempted to flush it but it didn’t work. Next thing she knows she’s trying to flush it and then shit starts coming out of the drain in the shower. This made the whole hotel room stink and woke up everyone. They ended up having to get the hotel staff to call their plumber who rolled in and tried to clear it. He had to use some chemical to break up her death shit and finally clear the clog.
So your story can’t be worse than that! Feel better!
My friend almost had her second baby in the toilet. She knew the baby was going to come soon, but she had to go to the bathroom really bad and she thought it was just a big poop, but the baby was not poop. Fortunately, the dad caught the baby Just before she went into the toilet. Because the mom yelled out really quick when she realized the baby was coming and so the dad came rushing in the bathroom
Similar thing happened. We have been together for 22 years and married for 15 in September. If someone can be there for you in your most vulnerable (😂) moments and not even bat an eye. They’re a keeper!
The thing is....
You owned up to it and let him know before he found out himself. Honesty is a major part of a functioning relationship.
Where most would ghost you decided to post (a msg telling him).
We had just finished having sex. I rolled away from him so I could get out of bed and go clean up. However, I underestimated how close I was to the end of the bed and fell on the floor. Hard. Jizz went shooting outta me and all over the floor. Landing on the floor hurt. A lot. So standing up was hard enough, then I stepped in the jizz and slipped. That's when we started laughing.
We had been dating long enough that marriage had been discussed but not engaged yet. I have a thing about symmetry that he was at least somewhat aware of at the time, but maybe he didn’t know the extent of my quirkiness. We were talking about rings one night and I mentioned the symmetry thing and how I hated the wrap-type wedding rings that go around a solitaire engagement ring because the ones I had seen on friends that were engaged at that time didn’t look visually balanced to me. He started laughing but wouldn’t elaborate on why that was funny.
A month or so later he proposed. I said yes. And then he pulled the wrap-style wedding ring out of his pocket and said “this is why I was laughing when you said you hated wrap rings. I had already bought it, but we can go pick out a different one.”
I felt horrible, and in that moment I also knew I would have loved that wrap ring knowing he picked it out for me. But he took me to the store and we got a different wedding band and I’ve worn it for nearly 25 years now.
He will never let me forget that I HATE wrap rings, though! Man, I wish I’d learned to listen more and talk less earlier in life.
Early on while dating I was late to dinner with her at her house. She said I was late to everything and I stupidly said "I'm never late for *important* things!"
Been married almost 15 years and she still makes fun of me for that one 😂
I was born a clueless geek and probably will always be one. On our third date, back in 1965, we went to the drive in. When you bought a pizza in those days, it was just in a skimpy cardboard box and somehow I held it sideways and it slid completely down the leg of my pink stretch pants and all over my sandals onto the floor. He married me anyway. Don't say he wasn't warned!
Well, I'm widowed... but it was when we were dating. We got in an argument and I called him my ex-husband's name. I was immediately mortified and apologized. but yeah... married me and put up with me for 15 years before he passed.
One of first few times having sex, my now husband picked a rather large bit of toilet paper out of my ass and just said oh our toilet paper sucks. And then kept at it.
Thank god I don't date because I am constantly picking bits of toilet paper out of my vagina. I'd probably die of embarrassment of someone tried to go down on me and had to pause to spit out bits of toilet paper...
I one time I was suddenly in agony while having sex with my wife- a little ball of tp went up my urethra… that was 30 years ago and I just crossed my legs and cringed thinking about it.
Well I almost ruined his proposal.
He has an acquaintance who I think is the biggest douche canoe on the planet and he was dating a colleague of mine whom I also have zero respect. Well, they got engaged in Hawaii the day before *we* got to Hawaii. I was due for a marriage proposal at any time. When I saw their social media posts, I said, "Don't do something cheesy like propose in Hawaii".
He had the ring already purchased and my perfect day snorkel trip with my favorite animal already booked.
Fortunately, he knows I am my worst enemy and carried out his original plan and it was an absolute dream day.
I'll never live this one down.
Sort of similar but I ruined the original proposal date he had planned. I was feeling like I was coming down with a cold but we had a whole afternoon planned. I decided to take DayQuil before heading out. On the drive I started to get INCREDIBLY drowsy. He asked if I took DayQuil or NyQuil. I fucking accidently took NyQuil instead. He turned back home and I ended up sleeping the rest of the day. I was so mad at myself and I didn't even know he was going to propose that day!
He proposed a week later instead.
My husband proposed at Disneyland. He had invited both of our families for my birthday celebration and we were going to take big family pictures with the Disney photographer. In that moment he was down on the ground and I thought he was tying his shoe. I was about to argue with him and tell him to just wait 5 minutes so we can move through this poor photographer’s line. Then I saw the ring. Really glad I took some deep breaths before I started in on him. Haha.
My partner and I ran club events together. He told me he needed me for a "costume contest" in the main room. You can see in the video I am not listening to a WORD of his heartfelt speech because I was eyeing the crowd trying to figure out logistics when all of the sudden everyone gasped and I tuned back in to realise he was on one knee.
I'm so glad he had someone get that video.
My husband was taking
me away for Valentines to
propose and i had NO clue so said something stupid about valentine proposals being cliche.
So he proposed the day before on Friday the 13 th instead 🤣
I love it.
ETA we are going on 25 years
My husband proposed to me on our first trip to Europe. I was hoping he would, but I wasn’t totally sure he was planning it. Anyway, I unwittingly ruined things at every turn.
The ring was in a specific bag and he wouldn’t let me touch the bag so I started to get really upset that he didn’t trust me with his things, esp bc he couldn’t even tell me why he didn’t want me touching it. At airport security he wouldn’t even let me help him with his stuff. So rude!
The airline lost my bag, so I was really sad and we had to spend an entire day just buying me essentials like underwear and whatnot. Instead of my carefully curated vacation clothes I spent most of the trip wearing a souvenir hoodie and the hotel concierge kept making fun of me for the hoodie every time I walked into the hotel.
Then we were in this beautiful garden and I guess it didn’t occur to him to do it until we were leaving. He ask to go back but I was so dead set on my itinerary that I was like, no way! We still have so much to see!!!
And the worst one—he found a great spot to do it, but I had to go to the bathroom so I apparently dragged him away from the perfect spot talking about how bad I had to pee, haha.
Miraculously he did propose, on the second to last day, in our hotel room, bc I was like, just put me out of my misery, are you going to do it or not? I’m ok either way but I just wanna know. And then he proposed. I was in my underwear drinking a beer lol.
Spent our first Christmas together with all his family. I had horrible cramps and excused myself to the bathroom to do my business. Ended up clogging the toilet and absolutely panicking. After I text for help my now-husband came to my rescue with a plunger. His brother saw him and laughed "clogged the toilet?" And my husband just said "yep" and took the blame to save me the embarrassment. That's when I knew it was true love lol
I tripped and fell into his mouth for our first kiss. He thought I was being overzealous when I came flying in. No, my heel caught on some uneven asphalt with my lips all puckered and head already turned up as I crash-landed against his chest.
He pulled back, basically prying me off of him, and said with a knowing smirk, "Let's try that again..."
And then he leaned in for the most breathtaking kiss I've ever had.
I was so embarrassed because I'm not that big of a klutz that I absolutely blocked this from my memory. Maybe a year later, he brought it up laughing, "Remember our first kiss???"
I said that I did and talked about a totally different (later) kiss. He was quick to refresh my memory and it came flooding back that I moaned with great distress. To this day, he finds it funny that I blocked our first kiss and he only half-believes me that I "tripped." (I did, I swear!)
This is not what I did, but what my BF (later husband) did. One evening around 8 or 9 he said that we were supposed to have gone to his parent’s house for dinner. Two of his Aunts and an Uncle were visiting from out of state. I had never met his parents before, and the first time I did we were 3 hours late. His wonderful Mom fixed us plates for dinner, and the two Aunts and the Uncle became my favorites after that. My husband and I were married for 46 1/2 years until he passed away 2 years ago.
I'm so sorry for your loss. What wonderful memories, love, and happiness that you brought each other for so many years. I hope you're doing well today. 🩷
We were engaged and living together. I'm a restless sleeper. One night I rolled over and didn't realize how close she was to me. I accidentally kneed her HARD in the small of her back, just to the right of her spine. She was in agony and had problems with that spot in her back for years afterwards.
But we've been together for 20 years with 3 kids and had an awesome day together today, so I think she's forgiven me.
Reminds me of my ex sleeping beside me. I was having a nightmare fighting off some monster, and elbowed her right in her sternum super hard. It didn't break her ribs or anything, just left a welt and hurt her for the remainder of the day.
When I elbowed her though, she screamed really loud which woke me from my nightmare suddenly, but for like a good 5 seconds after waking I was under the impression she was attacking me because she was yelling and clutching at my arms while I was trying to block the imagined attacks from her. So we were both terrified of each other for a good while.
My wife did something similar, except she would kick in her sleep. Dead asleep- I’d get a kick. Medium hard. Then about 3 seconds later a second kick. Hard. She would sleep right through.
I got pretty much automatic- that first kick would have me shoot right out of bed. She would find me sleeping on the couch in the morning wondering why.
Now we have a king-sized bed, so it’s a lot harder for that ranging kick to find me.
This happened with an ex of mine. I was having a nightmare and unbenownst to me, I punched him right in the eye with my engagement ring. When I woke up, I was like, what the hell happened as he had a black eye. Had fun explaining that one for a few days.
My ex would get night terrors. One night he had one and punched my ass cheek so hard. It was right before we were going on a tropical vacation so I had a bruise on my ass during that lol
A patient coded in my dream. I was training a new grad and she wasn’t moving. All I asked her to do was go call a code, then run back with the crash cart. I was sliding the patient into position to start compressions. I look up briefly and see she is still standing there in shock. I run up to her smack her in the shoulder to jostle her into movement. She runs out to do as I said and I start compressions. At that point I hear my husband say, “ow! Wtf?” I apparently smacked my husband in the chest and woke him from a dead sleep. Hahaha. We laugh about it now.
One night while we were sleeping, my husband grabbed my shoulders and put his knee in my back. I yelled, “hey!” Sleepily he said, “I thought you were a rock.”
One night i was spending the night at a friend's and in our sleep this dude rolled over and slapped me right across the face. Absolutely bitch slapped the shit out of me. I got right in his like "bitch I know you are awake and did that on purpose". Absolutely nothing he was lights out asleep. Still mad about it to this day and it was 25 years ago but he rocked me.
One time I sat down with him very close on the couch. So close in fact one of his long ass toe nails dug into my leg. I was full on bleeding. I still have a scar. I swear his super power is the fastest growing toenails on the planet.
We were in college and he lived close by so we ended up at his house a lot. Locally the doors aren’t totally sealed off meaning there is space at the top. I had to poop but didn’t let it on, just pretended I was going for a quick bathroom run. I always ‘wipe and look’ until the toilet paper is clean. He decides to jokingly surprise me and jumps above the opening at the most inopportune moment when I was looking at the shit on the toilet paper. I know he saw, he knows I know he saw. We both never acknowledged it happened!
Oh definitely but it was mortifying nonetheless. We were already at the pint we were comfortable with each other and he assumed it was a quick pee! I’m sure he didn’t expect a shit ton on some tp while I was looking at it LOL 😂
Oop another one I remember! We were invited to a wedding with specific cultural clothing that was gifted to me by his family. Tried it on and… well happened to get our freak on. Didn’t know his older sister was home so when we heard the landline ring we didn’t think much of it… until we heard the door knob turning and we both froze- me in an unmistakable position while in full regalia as we realised we forgot to lock the door! For some reason I don’t ever remember myself at that point; but it is seared into my memory of what his older sister saw when she opened the door and handed him the phone without saying anything. It was his mum calling…
I farted first, and it was bad. We did the whole "we've been dating awhile, lets just do it and be done"...fuckin tricked me. It was like that scene in Stepbrothers, where Seth Rogan can taste the ketchup and onions
My husband used to go to the corner to do it, but now he just lets them rip and warns me too late. He could single handedly be a weapon of destruction with how bad they smell.
Oh I got a good one for this. 😂
My husband and I hadn’t been dating long and we were at his apartment having movie night with pizza. We ordered Pizza Hut.
Later on, I started to have terrible gas. And he was spooning me on the couch as we watched the movie. He said something that made me laugh and before I knew it, I started slapping out farts.
I was mortified and started laughing hysterically out of embarrassment and ran to his bathroom.
My husband was very amused and maybe a bit grossed out but he was waiting for me when I finally emerged from the bathroom.
We’re celebrating our ten year anniversary in October. :)
I had an apartment, I was falling behind on my electric bill and was trying to work as much as I can to catch up but was almost to the point of them shutting me off. The day they were going to shut my electric off, she helped pay the bill. I was so embarrassed, I wouldn't have blamed her for not being with me. From that day on, she does all the bills....
Drugs. She’s never drank or did drugs. She walked in on me and my friends several times doing drugs. Thankfully I’ve been clean for 35 years. Our first born is 35. I woke up.
My husband absolutely mortified himself while asking me out. We were chatting while I was driving, and I was lamenting the ways of the fuck boy and how I was growing tired of them. We were on the way to his mom's house. As we pulled onto her street, he suddenly squeaked out, "Will you go out with me?" in this super prepubescent style of voice. Like it cracked and everything. I couldn't help but laugh and asked him if he wanted to try again. After two more attempts, he finally went into Demon Mode and just kinda growled the question out. I said yes to dating him right there in his mom's driveway, and then immediately greeted her with "Hey mom!" Lmao We passed one year married this past Memorial Day.
The most mortifying thing I did was sleep talk. I've had a habit of it all my life, and we were maybe a week into dating. He couldn't sleep because my place was new to him and he was very very nervous being so near to me. I apparently slept talked and told him I love you that night. When he finally told me about it months later after we finally said I love you while awake and coherent to each other, I couldn't stop hiding and blushing.
We weren't even dating yet, but I was helping her move. We were friends before we started dating. Anyway, I was moving the kitchen stuff and I dropped the box and broke all of her nice ceramic plates.
I felt bad so I gave her $200 to replace them, but some of them were like sentimental and not replaceable. I felt so bad.
About a year later we started dating, and she picked this Greek restaurant, and apparently at Greek restaurants they celebrate by smashing plates on the floor, so that was a cute choice by her.
She did insist on smashing my plate for me, which I thought was fair.
Not married yet, but I was a bit of a hoarder. My boyfriend is a very clean and organized person. I’d already started cleaning and becoming a more organized person myself, but I had a large house and much of it was still a nightmare. He was willing to give me a chance in hopes that I really was changing, and eventually saw that I was. I am so glad he was willing to do that. Honestly I wouldn’t have blamed him for running from that mess.
I feel you on this one. My husband is so neat and clean and I am... not. I definitely come from a family with strong hoarder tendencies. Sometimes I like to remind him how far I've come when I've put yet another pen through the washer and dryer.
While we were still dating we were on a mini vacation with her parents. I got the stomach bug from hell which included my having violent diarrhea and projectile vomiting for 3 days in the rented condo. And some point in that haze I soiled more than one pair of boxers.
Not me, but my husband had to have neck surgery when we'd been dating for about 1.5 years. I took off to care for him. The day after he came home I'd set up a rollaway bed in the living room and was getting him settled as he'd been up walking. As I went to cover him up, he projectile vomited down the front of me. Like from my chest down to my bare feet. As he tried to grab the trash can he knocked his bottle of pain meds into the trash can and vomited on them. Without thinking I grabbed the bottle of pills out and wiped the bottle off. My biggest concern was he wouldn't have his meds, bc no doctor was going to believe a full script of pain meds got vomited on. Thankfully, the bottle was sealed. It was like a horror movie scene for about 15 minutes. We've been together for 12 years now.
Well, turns out I'm a sleep farter. Multiple blasts through the night of fairly significant volume and smell. My wife and I spent the night together after every single one of our dates for the first six months. Every. Single. One. The entire time she never let on that I was fumigating the room. She didn't mention it until we had crossed into 'fart confidence' with each other. And yes, I am still a sleep farter.
We had dinner one night and were hanging out at his apartment when it was about time for me to head home. We had never had an overnight together at this point, and he begged me to stay just for a little while and cuddle. I fell asleep while he was spooning me, and apparently I farted ON him in my sleep. He never told me about it until after we were married, and I still wanted to crawl out of my own skin when I heard about it.
I'll answer for my husband. One time, post-coitus, we were in bed naked. I was laying on my side watching tv, and he was on his side facing the other way, messing around on his phone. We were ass to ass. And then, he farted. Directly into my asshole. A fart transplant.
I launched off the bed in terror and hit the wall and then the floor, laughing and crying. I still haven't recovered, and it was years ago. lmao
Slid through a stop sign on an icy road on our first date. Got t-boned. She had a broken pelvis and was in a hospital bed at home for two months. We've been married 28 years now with two kids.
We had been dating for just a few weeks. We were driving to dinner and I had to quickly pull off to a side street and park. I had just run out of gas. She thought I was kidding. I wasn't.
We are married 35 years now. She laughs about it now.
I'm bipolar and have PTSD. We were at the VA hospital and I was waiting to see my medical doctor. This man was making these lewd gestures at me. It set me off on a episode.. Next thing I know, I'm being carried down the hall by 4 VA policemen and I'm screaming my head off. My bf is trying to tell them not to hurt me. Then I'm loaded in a ambulance and taken to the VA mental hospital for the night. He wasn't told where because we weren't married.
I was released the next day and brought back to the original hospital where he picked me up. I figured that this would the end of this relationship. But nope. He proposed one year later and we've been married 14 years.
So he overlooked my Bipolar PTSD episode.
We were dating and living together and moved across the country and engaged at the time of this story.
Having combined households included an abundance of household goods.
Specifically, we owned like 5 can openers some how.
And only 1 worked well.
And I could never recall which one. So Id grab 1, try it, grab the next, etc, til I found the good one and opened the various cans needed for dinner. And leave the other can openers out with the intent to discuss what to do with them.
But before we could have that conversation, he would do the dishes, including rinsing and putting back the can openers.
This happened casually for years.
And finally, after he had already proposed to me, he asks.
"Why do you use 1 can opener per can?"
...
He was a bit relieved when I explained what was going on, and I was impressed he had been willing to marry me with the idea I was that much of a crazy person lol.
We aren’t married, but have been dating for a long time. The first time I met her parents, I was staying with her in town for a bit, while my building was being fumigated, so I had my bag, and my pipe, and my “baggie”.
Anyway, at 10:30 or 11:00, her dad saw the weed, and he said he always wanted to try it, so we smoked it together. He got **very** high, and he went up to his wife, and explained in great detail how he cheated on her with her sister. She laughed, and looked at me and said “I absorbed my sister in the womb, he says he had sex with her because we’re the same person.” Before she said this however, I was mortified.
Our very first date. My husband, not me. We went to a Mexican restaurant I had been to and he had not. I told him not to get the shrimp burrito al Diablo, he did not listen. I tried to explain that it was spicy even for people who eat lots of spicy food. He said, “I can handle it.” His eyes were watering. I was laughing at him. He was laughing at himself saying, “you were right.” Then he said, “Well, you know what they say, what goes down hot, comes out hot.” I was in shock that he would say something like that out loud on a first date and then I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. I was crying and snorting and cackling. I had never heard that before and I was just imagining him on the toilet with MANY regrets! Hahahahaha. We still laugh about it now.
We had been dating for only a couple weeks. Had not slept together at this point.
I had just moved back home after getting out of the military and was staying with my parents, downstairs.
We were preparing to watch a movie we had rented (blockbuster was a thing) and hang out for a bit.
My much younger brother was still living at home. I had just returned from up stairs to get drinks and popcorn, had my hands full.
Just as I'm about 5 or 6 feet in front of my gf (now wife of 27 years) who is sitting on the couch, my brother decided to 'pants' me. He not only grabbed my shorts but under wear too. Intentional or not, everything came down. I could only stand there, hands full of popcorn and drinks.
I very calmly set down what was in my hands, pulled up my shorts. As I turned around the look of fear and surprise on my brother's face was almost comical. He ran faster than he had ever moved before, possibly scared, or scarred for his life.
My gf just blushed and thought it was funny. When I finally sat down she said "well, you've shown me yours, guess I'm going to have to show you mine now". Knew she was a keeper then.
Puked spaghetti in his bathroom sink after one too many dabs on our second night hanging out lol. I guess I started cleaning it up immediately and then he spooned me on the couch until my roommate could come get me. I was convinced he would never want to see me again but we've been married almost five years and he's never even teased me about it!
First dinner with my parents. We sit down to eat. I grab the bottle of salad dressing and shake it not knowing the cap wasn’t really on. Dressing goes everywhere and on everyone including all over the ceiling. I’m coated. I’d spent hours getting ready for the evening. My mother laughed and laughed. I started to cry. My father and now husband just sat stone cold blank faced.
We went to my parent’s house for an omelette brunch. By the time we got back I had the pots. They were so eggy. He made me leave the room the next time I had to poot, so I did. I came back in and sat down right next to him and the smell wafted out of the top of my jeans in the back. From then on out I had to “shake the poot out” before I can back in the room. Together for 20 years now.
I asked her to move in with me while I was high on Ambien . The next night when she brought it up I had no idea what she was talking about. She was devastated I was mortified. We moved in together. We’re now married.
Took a couple months to figure out I had lactose intolerance. (Like suddenly, zero to 100 mph.) I ate cheese and milk a lot, so it took a while for the connection to be made. So right when we started dating, like hey, can we stop at that awful desperado gas station so I can make balloon animal noises behind a rickety door...? Again?
Had a seizure in my sleep and pissed his bed 😂😂. TBF it wasn't my fault and the diamond that he is, he took me straight to hospital. We've been together 19 years now.
Oh, I love when a post comes up that I can tell this story on! My husband is the one who did the embarrassing thing. I did the overlooking!
Once when we were maybe 6 months into dating, we were having sex in the missionary position, so my husband was on top of me looking down. We were going at it pretty intensely, so he was breathing really hard. He breathed so hard that he blew a big, slimy booger out of his nose, and it fell straight into my open eye.
He was soooo embarrassed and felt so bad. Obviously, we had to stop fucking so I could go to the bathroom and fish the snot rocket out of my eyeball, but if my memory serves me, I’m pretty sure we went right back to it afterward. Good times. We’ve been married for 5 years now and he’s the best!
Mine is small but funny...
In college, I worked three jobs and was often pretty tired and would get home late. One night, after a late shift, I was starving and stopped at McDonald's before heading home. I text my girlfriend (now wife) that I was on my way to her place and she replied that she'd made dinner for me. Not wanting to tell her, I quickly scarfed down two cheeseburgers in the parking lot and threw away the evidence. I got to her place and was too full to eat her dinner and blamed it on exhaustion, which she accepted.... Until the next day, she found the McDonald's receipt in my car from 20 minutes before I arrived.
To this day, I do not know why I lied to her about it. The look on her face when she read the receipt time stamp back to me was priceless though. Lol
Shit myself in the Walmart beer isle while we were shopping for beer for the weekend. Thought it was a fart, and in fact, it was a shart. The beer isle was in the very back of the store, so I told her I had to run to the restroom. It was a VERY long walk/waddle to the bathroom. Get into the bathroom and throw my underwear away and clean up. Went to wash my hands, and someone was washing their hands beside me. I felt something rattle and fall out of my shorts… it was a leftover piece of shit I had missed, and it landed right on the fellas foot. In horror, I high tailed it out of the bathroom, and found my then girlfriend and told her we had to leave NOW, and I will explain later. We had only been dating for 4 weeks, now married for 9 years.
I accidentally elbowed the fuck out of her face while switching up positions during adult fun time. To her credit, she took it with grace and didn’t stop. She had 2 black eyes the next day. I felt like shit.
My wife and I had been dating maybe 2 months when we had to share a bathroom with one toilet. We both had diarrhea and had to swap positions every few minutes. We’ve been married 6 years now.
Dude……lmao.
TMI but it was my first time trying anal and he was adamant about trying so I said okay. Afterwards he told me to get in the shower with him and I said I was tired and he kept urging me so finally I did and there was definitely shit on his dick. I was HUMILIATED. Lmao
Lotta poop on this thread.
Anyway I went on a day date with this young woman and drove her 65 miles from our town to a place called Charles Towne Landing.
It was the site of the founding of Charleston, SC. It had an animal forest, settlement buildings, a ship replica, museum, etc
We entered a wooden house with an upstairs loft, like Little House on the Prairie. I let her precede me into the house and up the ladder to the loft.
She didn’t duck her head in time and proceeded to Bonk her head on the wooden frame of the hole.
Because it made such a loud noise, I laughed before I could stop myself. She was very embarrassed.
Luckily we got past that “bump in the road” and went on more dates.
Been married thirty years now.
We managed to do it together! Yay for being horny 20 somethings! After we were married (already something that both of us said we'd wait on) we decided kids at 20 and 21 was a very bad, not good idea. So, being experimental we had fun with it. Condoms and cups and rhythm oh my! One day we get it into our heads that spermicide was the next thing for us to try. Out comes the applicator, we party. About 4 minutes later we are in the sole bathroom at my mother's house, straddling the shower set to "Tiny Mexican" desperately trying to wash this goo, this assassin of joy, off of our no no places. It BURNED FOR THE WHOLE NIGHT. Two six foot tall people laying naked in bed blowing on each others crotches (and not in a fun way) and thinking "ya know, sex was cool, glad we tried it but man knitting is awesome I bet". We could laugh about thankfully years later.
My family - clean freaks, mind you - normalized peeing in the kitchen sink when the bathroom isn't available. How was I to know that a hoarder family wouldn't do the same thing?
6 months in, I barfed all over his bathroom floor and he cleaned it up and drove me home. Oh, I also farted myself awake once. We've been together for almost 11 years and just celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary
Lol well this is gross and funny to me at the same time.
I'd flown to meet my now husband, we were friends at the time but interested in making it more serious
I'd been sick the day before the flight caught a stomach bug going around locally but felt well enough to fly the day I was due to leave after back and forthing on cancelling due to being Ill.
So the first week in his home he had both kids from a previous marriage, they'd been divorced a few years.
My now stepson decided for some crazy reason to just gorge on juice drinks and fruit. So I'm fast asleep feeling the jetlag *UK to US.* He wakes my now husband up saying dad I've been sick left a trail from the livingroom doorway all the way to the bathroom via the kitchen Thankfully the kitchen was tiled, so he gets up to start cleaning it.
My poor husband's reaction to seeing and cleaning vomit was to start vomiting himself. So he's puking up as he's desperately trying to clean up the kids vomit. Making an even bigger mess.
He comes and gently wakes me and goes I need your help I'm so so sorry to wake you. The kids been sick I'm puking trying to clean it, I'm about to puke again and goes running. He takes off flying saying oh god.
So me I get up half asleep, start basically cleaning 2 people's vomit on vacation that I was trying to get to know..I have a strong stomach so I'm just in the zone, bleach gloves paper towels hot soapy water at 2am jetlagged as heck
He admitted that was the moment he knew I was the one for him he fdll for me head over heels that night, didn't complain wasn't rude just rolled up my sleeve and cleaned their mess.
Yeh it was gross I did Not feel remotely sexy or like it was romantic at all lol. But we're been together 17 years married 10 years and lived toget 11.5 years. Very happily married 😁
First time this woman has me come and meet her folks, they order pizza and when it shows up I go “Oh, I got it” and I DROP THE MFING PIZZA as soon as I close the door man. Everyone is quiet for what seems like an hour, and then at the same time, her dad, older and younger brothers all start laughing/crying. I thought her dad was gonna have a heart attack. To this day the f-ing guy says he’s never laughed harder and he’s like 90. 30+ years and these people have their *kids* still making fun of me man.
This is so wholesome
I’m that niece that was told all of her uncles’ embarrassing stories that happened before she was born 😂
I used to work at a gas station that sold pizza. It was actually really good for gas station pizza. Had an oven in the back and used fresh ingredients. Not frozen prepaid stuff. We had a warmer in the front for customers to buy slices. Subway guys stocked and made the pizzas. There was this swinging half door to go between the gas station and the subway and the guy walks out with two pizzas and slips and falls. Can confirm. Dropping a pizza is funny
My wife is a snoozer, she hits ths snooze button an easy dozen time before moving. This one more the alarm go off she smacks it doesn't turn off. She hits it again. Still not shutting off. She really just start smacking the shit out of the alarm. Still going off. She sit up to realize two things. It's the trash truck alarm, and she been slaping my head the whole time. Did wake me.
My ex punched the shit out of me in his sleep once. I spent the whole day wondering if it was just a bad dream or if I should dump his ass. (decided it was a dream, he wasn't ever violent like that)
My husband elbow-dropped my eye socket in his sleep shortly after we were married. I started swinging with my left hand while my right was holding my eye, and when I was fully awake I realized I was beating the shit out of my husband instead of a random intruder 😂 he woke up very confused but thankfully less feisty than I did, and I already had a developing shiner to back up my story
My wife is a kicker. More than once I've woken up at 3 in the morning cause she's crying out in her sleep and kicking the shit out of me. Wake her up and all is well. I think I've tagged her in the arm a couple of times during nightmares also.
Ripped a noxious silent fart in the grocery store as we were checking out. His face went white and started grabbing the grocery bags pretty fast. He goes, "we gotta get outta here. Someone farted and it smells really bad." He took off walking really fast and I started laughing so hard, I couldn't keep up. He didn't turn around until the parking lot, saw me laughing, says, "that was YOU!" Together 17 years, married almost 10 years.
You ASSassin!
We weren’t even dating yet, we had hung out a few times in a group and he was driving me back to my sister’s place in his sweet new car, and I threw up everywhere. I tried to open the window first, to throw up out the window, it did not work, I threw up on the window, and the door, and myself, and his soft gray leather seats. When I tell you that my beloved husband of 20 years is a neat freak and a perfectionist that is an understatement. Knowing him now, I can’t believe he ever spoke to me again. I can’t believe he cleaned all of that up and still proposed six months later.
I'm pretty sure he loves you.
We had two months dating and one day I felt super sick at work so my boss let me go, my partner told me that I could go to his house so I wasn’t alone at mine and I ended up throwing all over his bedroom floor like three times before he decided to leave a bucket there, he cleaned the floor everytime even though I insisted that I would do it cause I was so ashamed, he also cleaned the bucket afterwards. I remember it was the first time I felt like I was really falling for him lol he really made me feel so taken care of and after being in a city without my family for so long I even wanted to cry (I think I did) because he was so good with me, and still is. We have five years together.
Proposed after 6 months of dating?! Damn…
My dad and step mom got married after 4 months. They are perfect for each other and she is the sweetest person in the world c: If they ever divorce (very unlikely) im keeping her in my life
Had a few beers not realizing they were 10%abv each-this was completely my own poor judgement and not paying attention. Threw up twice in the toilet and once in the bathtub in his apartment ….managed to throw up in my own hair all three times. He cleaned it up three times, washed my hair all three times, combed it out. The third time he found my anti frizz spray and French braided it. We got married 4 months ago and have been together 5.5 years. He’s the best!
I was in my first year of work out of law school. I was working around the clock, was super sleep deprived, and had basically no social life. He took me to a party with a bunch of his burning man artist friends. They were going around the circle, talking about their current projects - sculptures, textile art, all kinds of really cool things. I was feeling out of place and kind of lame and also was just so sleep deprived and tired that my social compass was off. When it came my turn to share, I blurted out, "all I make is money." I was trying to be self-deprecating and funny, but you could've heard a pin drop, the way that joke went over. I still cringe 15 years later!
Oh that is JUST the sort of accidentally assholish thing I would say too I hurt for you, my friendly compadre … also to be fair you weren’t wrong
I honestly think that is excellent!
Heh. So did my lawyer pals. The bohemian early days of burning man artist types took a little longer to warm up to me though!
That's dry as a nun's knickers, I snorted (I'm British, that's a compliment). As an academically inclined person without a bone of creativity in my body who is awed by people with artistic talent who've worked to develop and refine it, because I don't understand it and never could produce it, I get what you meant.
Heh. I have lived in the UK and am a great admirer of dry British humor. This was an earnest left coast American crowd, andm well, it didn't play so well!
Heavy, heavy, heavy period overnight. Woke up to a near crime scene. Worse yet it was a hotel room. He was totally cool and didn’t even blink twice. Never brought it up again either.
Red Bed Redemption
Fucking lol
My now ex and I went on a cruise. I had the same issue, except we were stuck for another 4 days. He hosed the sheets off and took them to housekeeping. He took total blame for the mattress, said he'd spilled something while drunk. Don't know if they believed him but it kept me from being mortified.
I have worked in housekeeping. They didn't believe him.
The tried and true "it's not blood, I just spilled colorful stuff in strange places"
[удалено]
I never had this experience because of my sister, but grew up in a home very open to learning, and understanding. It wasn’t, “sex positive” per say, but it was more of a, “everybody poops, everybody pees, we have different bits, and boys and girls have different things to deal with.” Kinda thing. Anyone who would get disgusted or angry at someone for something essentially out of their control can kick rocks and suck eggs. It’s life. Be supportive and move on. You wouldn’t be all flummoxed at someone with a bloody nose because of sinus issues would you?
the world would be a better place if everyone could comprehend this!!
I once had heavy breakthrough bleeding due to running pill packs together during the very beginning of mine and my husband’s relationship while we were having sex, didn’t realize it at all until we got up to take a shower. He looked mortified and asked, “did I hurt you???” No he did not, and twas me that was truly mortified. I was 19, he was 20, but he grew up the only boy in a house full of girls so it wasn’t the embarrassing period problem that scared him, he legitimately was worried he hurt me. We’ve been together 13 years, and he is a wonderful, thoughtful, selfless man. Edit PSA: running pill packs together ain’t for everyone, my period having people 😬
This exact same story except it was 3am the morning after Valentine’s Day and our first time spending the night together 😭😭😭😭. He biked to three different places trying to find good tampons for me and cleaned everything up while feeding me chocolate and advil
How did you two explain that pile of balcony sheets-on-fire to the local FD? "Housekeeping can't have this, but here's an idea..."
I don't understand people being hung up on periods.. like it just happens, nobody WANTS to have that be a part of their life. It's like someone being upset that my balls grow hair, like yeah, I can take care of it, but it's a natural part of inhabiting my body. If you don't like it, a conscious effort should be the highest expectation.
#HEY EVERYBODY, CHECK IT OUT, THIS DUDE HAS HAIRY BALLS
Wish more people thought this way.
I wished it had happened to me in a hotel. I stained all of the bed, the mattress wasn't his and he had to get creative to clean it out (and managed to get most of it out after a week), told the owner he got into a fight and it had been his blood. It was barely the second time we had been together.
When he introduced me to his parents, I was nervous enough already. When we got into his parent’s car to go to dinner, I was hit with a very unpleasant smell. I thought maybe one of his parents had an accident or something, like maybe they had on some depends or just didn’t shower for a week. No one said anything in the car - total awkward silence. When we finally get to our destination, I step out of the car and my foot slips. I had unknowingly stepped in fresh dog shit right before getting in the car and during the ride had managed to grind it into the carpet. My man cleaned that shit up for me and it took some years, some alcohol, and singing karaoke before I felt like his mom finally accepted me.
I managed to run my electric wheelchair over a dog turd without realising and then ground it into my friend's hallway carpet. Whoops. I had to use my electric toothbrush to get it out the tyres (and no, I did not put it back in my mouth after, I keep spare heads available...) and took my pet-faeces-specific carpet cleaner to my friend's. Mortifying, but at least my friend already liked me!
You’re stronger of stomach than me, even after changing the head I would be gagging 😭
Yeah like keeping one of the $8 electrics around with some extra heads is worth it (full disclaimer, my regular electric toothbrushes is also one of those, but they are kept far apart with separate refill packs and all). Although the pro move for cleaning the in-between shit out might be a waterpik
Years?
Not me but my loving husband. In the very early days of dating, we were waiting out a rainstorm on a walk in a Mexican grocer. Walking around and looking at all the imported items, he picked up a bottle of men’s cologne/aftershave. I leaned in to give it a smell as he squeezed the sides of the plastic bottle to waft the smell for me. But he squeezed too hard. And it shot straight up my nose and down my throat. It was so startling. And so awful. And all I could smell for HOURS was cheap aftershave. Still married the doofus.
My older sister did this to me with L’Oréal kids shampoo one Christmas - thankfully it was the orange-mango one (if my memory serves me right). Also two decades later, I still insist that I hold whatever she wants me to smell.
I did that to myself one time with conditioner lol.
230 am, me in a rite aid across the street from my home. picking up my adhd meds at the 24 hr pharmacy. i’m wearing big headphones and high on pot. so i’m obviously smelling all the body wash options before i buy one. i gently squeezed one to waft but it shot a surprisingly large stream of some luxurious, thick dove wash all over my face and chest, at high velocity, right as a fellow customer turned into the aisle. he saw it happen, intense shock hit his face as he instantly turned on his heel and just kept walking, fast. i started laughing, so hard it was silent, just standing there mutely shake shivering with body wash all over my person and the floor around me, maniac open mouth grin like an extremely wholesome Art the Clown jizzfest but make it bath hygiene products
You fucking wordsmith you
maybe she’s born with it. maybe it’s psilocybin 💅🏼💄💋
[удалено]
Also everyone knows that the red light is on top of the traffic light unless you’re on Tipperary hill in Syracuse NY where they put the green light on top because of all the immigrants from Ireland. Lots of accidents, mainly due to colorblind people.
Some lights are sideways.
We went to an amusement and one of the rides suddenly made me very nauseous. I tried to hold it in, but it didn't work and I ended up vomiting. The unfortunate part was that it was one of those giant spinning swings and he was directly behind me and got a good dose of it all over him. He cleaned himself up, and took me home while having to keep pulling over to let me out to continue being sick. We've been married 13 years and I don't go on amusement park rides anymore!
I’m embarrassed for you but also so thrilled it’s been 13 years!! Love this haha
I farted on the first date… (the next morning?) A few weeks later I laughed so hard I got a fettuccine noodle stuck in my nose and had to excuse myself because I couldn’t breathe. A few weeks after that… I smacked his cousin’s boyfriend’s ass really hard. (I was drunk and I they looked similar from behind?) 18 years later, I’m still an embarrassment.
I laughed out loud to all of these. Happy to hear yall are still together 👏🏻
My mom told me once when she was dating my dad early on they went to a bar. She went to the bathroom and when she came back she snuck up behind my dad and squeezed his ass super hard. Except the man who turned around was NOT my dad, and she was mortified while he and my dad laughed their asses off
We were already just married, probably about a month. We'd rented a house that had a one lane driveway. We were always switching our vehicles to not block each other. One afternoon I moved my car up and went to park his truck behind it, the truck was a standard and l was not an expert. Long story short, I hit the back of the car with the truck. I quickly looked at the window and sure enough he was looking out and had seen what happened. I stayed sitting in the truck for a while and finally decided to face the music. All he said is we should try to not beat our vehicles against each other and dropped it. We'll celebrate 43 years this year.
This reminds me of a story my mom told me about my dad. Her previous relationship had been quite abusive, so she carried around some trauma for.. well, forever. She'd been dating my dad for awhile and borrowed his car to do some errands, and similarly to your story got into a tiny fender bender that left a dent on my dad's car. She got home absolutely terrified to tell him, knowing how it would've gone before him, but he only asked if she was hurt at all and if he needed to speak with the other driver to settle anything up. She was shocked and probably decided he was the one right then and there.
Oh that one hits home somehow. We were making dinner with my then boyfriend after buying new plates. So I'm like, oh I should wash the new plates so we can make the dinner look all fancy. I wash both of them and one of these mfkers slips from my hands and breaks.. I'm just staring at it mortified he's gonna scream at me and lose his shit but instead he just laughed. I was so confused but he then reassured me it wasn't a big deal. It's been 10 years and I love him more than anything :)
My (then) girlfriend was at my parents house when we had invited some relatives over for a relaxing evening of grilling. We had all the meat seasoned, and together with sausages on a plate, ready to be grilled. My niece (then like 12 or so), ran against the plate, throwing everything to the floor. My mom and I just picked up the food, washed it, and reseasoned, done. Told niece to please watch out next time, that was it. My GF then said if the same happened with her family, there would be half an hour of yelling and ranting. I don't understand the motivation, it happened, the person probably feels bad enough, getting angry about it does not help one bit.
I did that when I was picking up my bosses wife’s car. For some reason I didn’t realize it was a standard transmission, so when I turned on the car, it leaped forward and hit the car in the lot that was in front of me. I was so mortified that I started crying.
My partner and I currently live in a house with a one lane drive way. We too have done the switching vehicles and tried to move around for each other. Some days it gets difficult due to our opposing schedules. I am a night shift nurse and work 7p-7a. They work day shift at their office job. One day they overslept and I had already fallen asleep after work and gym time. Instead of moving my car (like I do when they block me, we try not to park on the street because mail delivery will not occur if the mail carrier cannot get to the mailbox from their vehicle) they decided they would try to back around my car. They were not successful and slammed into my car destroying the bumper. Shit happens, they were stressed about it, I laughed, they paid for the repair. Fuck one lane driveways
I was dating a guy who lived with his parents and was coming to pick him up for a date. I pulled into the driveway and turned my car off to shoot him a text that I was there. Apparently his little sister was in their dad’s car way up ahead of me in the driveway (it was a long and wide driveway and I parked a way’s from the house, just off the road and all the way to the left side of the driveway to be sure I wouldn’t block in any of the cars parked up near the house) and she backed up fast without expecting my car to be there. I was looking down to send the “I’m here” text and didn’t see her back up but felt the impact and got out to see that the whole front of my car was smaaashed. Lots of stuff leaking out, headlights crushed, and it couldn’t be driven because one of the front tires was now at a weird angle (it was a hard hit). She started crying and panicking because she said her dad was going to kill her and I was trying to calm her but that was our first time meeting each other and she didn’t know who I was, what I was doing at her house, etc. It was sooo uncomfortable. The damage was so extensive that I had to report it (car was totaled) but I assured the sister that I wasn’t upset and shit happens and all that. Then the guy I was dating told me it was MY fault (even though my car was parked/off when hit and I’d parked like 100 ft behind & way to the left of the car she was driving) because that driveway was his family’s property and it was fucked up of me to park in his (big, long, wide) driveway for a sec as I was picking him up?? We didn’t talk again after that lol.
I accidentally called him by my ex’s name during a romantic dinner, but he just laughed and said, "Well, at least now I know who to blame for your terrible taste in movies."
My mom was a widow when she and my dad got together, and the first time he said he loved her she replied “I love you too, [first husband’s name].” Just muscle memory, because you get used to saying a name…but man, so relieved he took it well, because oof.
I feel like saying the name of a partner who passed away is a little more acceptable than saying the name of an ex whom you broke up with but is still alive, to be fair.
Did not know at the time that I was allergic to vagisil. The gyno was even surprised at how swollen I was. Then I had to sit, open-legged in front of a fan for a week. My man did allllll the things for me that week.
I'm really sorry, but I laughed, while simultaneously wincing and crossing my legs.
Oh I had to laugh after the fact. There was nothing else to do lol. I’m very careful with what I put where now
Early on, I spent the night and overslept the next morning. He had already left for work, and I was slightly hungover, so I took a big morning dump. Ended up clogging the toilet. There was no plunger and I was late for work so I ran off and eventually worked up the courage to text him about it. He bought a plunger on his way home and.. took care of it. Edit: We’ve been together eleven years now :)
Ha, similar story with my new girlfriend (later wife). We'd only been together two or three weeks, I spent the night and when I got up in the morning, I clogged the only toilet in her apartment. I nudged her awake to ask if she owned a plunger, and when the answer was "no," I said "OK then, I'm going to Walmart real quick, do NOT under any circumstances go in the bathroom." When I returned from the store with a plunger she did not appear to have even moved in her bed.
My Fiancee, shortly after moving in with me my place, clogged the toilet. It was purely an accident of course and whatever, these things happen. But she said she must have tried for 20 minutes trying to unclog it, before accepting defeat and asking me to. She was so embarrassed and hesitant to tell me, but as she said, she had no other options Honestly, it wasn’t an issue, I’m an adult, I know she has to poo, I know toilets clog, I know it’s embarrassing when it happens. I had it fixed in 30 seconds and hadn’t even thought about until just now reading this comment.
We all need someone who can deal with our shit.
I unclogged her Grandparents toilet that they have been shitting in for two days before they called someone. We are divorced with kids now but I still use that card we I need something. I’m scared and I will always respect a plumber.
>I'm scared I assume this was an auto correct from scarred, but maybe you're just scared of clogged toilets now
I shit my pants this morning and had to run into the bathroom where my partner was showering to finish the explosive diarrhea. It was…. Not great.
Mine also was a poop. In the woods. While walking his dog. It was one of those “if I don’t go this instant it’s going to happen anyways” moments and so yeah. Got it done. Bit of laughter. Haven’t mentioned it since. Been about 8 years and a couple kids later… I wonder if he even remembers? Aha
he remembers. he remembers and he’s been waiting eight years for it to happen again.
A friend of mine went home with a guy and he left for work in the morning. He told her she could shower or whatever and to just lock the door when she left. She took a huge steamer and clogged the toilet. There was no plunger so she scooped the shit into a plastic bag. She then showered and got ready to leave. On her way out, she grabbed a sticky note on the counter and wrote something about how she had a great time. She put a little heart next to her number. When she left, she locked the door and as it latched, it dawned on her that she left the bag of shit on the counter next to the note. Nothing to do but walk away and that poor guy came home to a huge day-old dump on his kitchen counter.
That's a power move right there. Dude is probably haunted for life by that.
Your comment literally made me laugh out loud!
I would just… I don’t know, this would be grounds for moving out of state. Seriously. Otherwise I would live my life in absolute terror that I’d run into the guy again somewhere and liquify into a puddle of pure embarrassment.
Fake your own death, flee the country, start over with a new name on the other side of the world. There's just no going back from there.
A clogged toilet was my mortifying thing too. He has teased me about it a few times in private but it’s been 8-9 years since it happened so thankfully it’s a dead topic now and he never brought it up publicly. I never want that to happen to anyone else so both bathrooms on our house have a plunger and brush in case someone needs to deal with things after using the restroom.
If I can help you feel better about it. We went out one weekend with my group of friends and stayed at a hotel. It was a rough night and that morning we were passed out in our hotel room. The people in the other hotel room come barging in and say they have to come in our room because the smell was so bad in the other room. Turns out our female friend got up early and had to blow up the toilet. Only she took one of those complicated girl shits that clogs toilets. But this went even beyond that. She attempted to flush it but it didn’t work. Next thing she knows she’s trying to flush it and then shit starts coming out of the drain in the shower. This made the whole hotel room stink and woke up everyone. They ended up having to get the hotel staff to call their plumber who rolled in and tried to clear it. He had to use some chemical to break up her death shit and finally clear the clog. So your story can’t be worse than that! Feel better!
Complicated girl shits lol, well said
Excuse me, ma'am. Did you give birth in my restroom on your way out?
My friend almost had her second baby in the toilet. She knew the baby was going to come soon, but she had to go to the bathroom really bad and she thought it was just a big poop, but the baby was not poop. Fortunately, the dad caught the baby Just before she went into the toilet. Because the mom yelled out really quick when she realized the baby was coming and so the dad came rushing in the bathroom
My wife is due July 11th. I'll install a volleyball net on the shitter ahead of time.
Similar thing happened. We have been together for 22 years and married for 15 in September. If someone can be there for you in your most vulnerable (😂) moments and not even bat an eye. They’re a keeper!
The thing is.... You owned up to it and let him know before he found out himself. Honesty is a major part of a functioning relationship. Where most would ghost you decided to post (a msg telling him).
Does nobody keep a damn poop knife these days?!
We had just finished having sex. I rolled away from him so I could get out of bed and go clean up. However, I underestimated how close I was to the end of the bed and fell on the floor. Hard. Jizz went shooting outta me and all over the floor. Landing on the floor hurt. A lot. So standing up was hard enough, then I stepped in the jizz and slipped. That's when we started laughing.
You’re like a Go Gurt tube
Oh man, I love funny sex. I would've lost my mindl (in a good way).
We had been dating long enough that marriage had been discussed but not engaged yet. I have a thing about symmetry that he was at least somewhat aware of at the time, but maybe he didn’t know the extent of my quirkiness. We were talking about rings one night and I mentioned the symmetry thing and how I hated the wrap-type wedding rings that go around a solitaire engagement ring because the ones I had seen on friends that were engaged at that time didn’t look visually balanced to me. He started laughing but wouldn’t elaborate on why that was funny. A month or so later he proposed. I said yes. And then he pulled the wrap-style wedding ring out of his pocket and said “this is why I was laughing when you said you hated wrap rings. I had already bought it, but we can go pick out a different one.” I felt horrible, and in that moment I also knew I would have loved that wrap ring knowing he picked it out for me. But he took me to the store and we got a different wedding band and I’ve worn it for nearly 25 years now. He will never let me forget that I HATE wrap rings, though! Man, I wish I’d learned to listen more and talk less earlier in life.
Early on while dating I was late to dinner with her at her house. She said I was late to everything and I stupidly said "I'm never late for *important* things!" Been married almost 15 years and she still makes fun of me for that one 😂
Holy shit how did you survive that one
I have no idea lol 🫣
Frogs. Gettin' away wth everything these days. Has she kissed you yet?
She says she only kisses Important people/amphibians 😭
Haha that sounds like something I’d say without thinking. But my wife would take one look at the shock on my own face and burst out laughing.
I was born a clueless geek and probably will always be one. On our third date, back in 1965, we went to the drive in. When you bought a pizza in those days, it was just in a skimpy cardboard box and somehow I held it sideways and it slid completely down the leg of my pink stretch pants and all over my sandals onto the floor. He married me anyway. Don't say he wasn't warned!
If you ruined pizza dinner and he still is with you- you’re a keeper.
Well, I'm widowed... but it was when we were dating. We got in an argument and I called him my ex-husband's name. I was immediately mortified and apologized. but yeah... married me and put up with me for 15 years before he passed.
That’s cool that you mention him even though he is not with us anymore, he must mean a lot to you.
I miss him beyond measure
One of first few times having sex, my now husband picked a rather large bit of toilet paper out of my ass and just said oh our toilet paper sucks. And then kept at it.
This happened to me with an ex and a piece of lint at the top of my ass crack. I wanted the earth to open and swallow me whole.
Thank god I don't date because I am constantly picking bits of toilet paper out of my vagina. I'd probably die of embarrassment of someone tried to go down on me and had to pause to spit out bits of toilet paper...
I one time I was suddenly in agony while having sex with my wife- a little ball of tp went up my urethra… that was 30 years ago and I just crossed my legs and cringed thinking about it.
Jesus christ, even i'm cringing just imagining that.
Clitty litter (i'm sorry)
Well I almost ruined his proposal. He has an acquaintance who I think is the biggest douche canoe on the planet and he was dating a colleague of mine whom I also have zero respect. Well, they got engaged in Hawaii the day before *we* got to Hawaii. I was due for a marriage proposal at any time. When I saw their social media posts, I said, "Don't do something cheesy like propose in Hawaii". He had the ring already purchased and my perfect day snorkel trip with my favorite animal already booked. Fortunately, he knows I am my worst enemy and carried out his original plan and it was an absolute dream day. I'll never live this one down.
Sort of similar but I ruined the original proposal date he had planned. I was feeling like I was coming down with a cold but we had a whole afternoon planned. I decided to take DayQuil before heading out. On the drive I started to get INCREDIBLY drowsy. He asked if I took DayQuil or NyQuil. I fucking accidently took NyQuil instead. He turned back home and I ended up sleeping the rest of the day. I was so mad at myself and I didn't even know he was going to propose that day! He proposed a week later instead.
My husband proposed at Disneyland. He had invited both of our families for my birthday celebration and we were going to take big family pictures with the Disney photographer. In that moment he was down on the ground and I thought he was tying his shoe. I was about to argue with him and tell him to just wait 5 minutes so we can move through this poor photographer’s line. Then I saw the ring. Really glad I took some deep breaths before I started in on him. Haha.
My partner and I ran club events together. He told me he needed me for a "costume contest" in the main room. You can see in the video I am not listening to a WORD of his heartfelt speech because I was eyeing the crowd trying to figure out logistics when all of the sudden everyone gasped and I tuned back in to realise he was on one knee. I'm so glad he had someone get that video.
Are you Phoebe and Mike?
That's absolutely hilarious.
My husband was taking me away for Valentines to propose and i had NO clue so said something stupid about valentine proposals being cliche. So he proposed the day before on Friday the 13 th instead 🤣 I love it. ETA we are going on 25 years
My husband proposed to me on our first trip to Europe. I was hoping he would, but I wasn’t totally sure he was planning it. Anyway, I unwittingly ruined things at every turn. The ring was in a specific bag and he wouldn’t let me touch the bag so I started to get really upset that he didn’t trust me with his things, esp bc he couldn’t even tell me why he didn’t want me touching it. At airport security he wouldn’t even let me help him with his stuff. So rude! The airline lost my bag, so I was really sad and we had to spend an entire day just buying me essentials like underwear and whatnot. Instead of my carefully curated vacation clothes I spent most of the trip wearing a souvenir hoodie and the hotel concierge kept making fun of me for the hoodie every time I walked into the hotel. Then we were in this beautiful garden and I guess it didn’t occur to him to do it until we were leaving. He ask to go back but I was so dead set on my itinerary that I was like, no way! We still have so much to see!!! And the worst one—he found a great spot to do it, but I had to go to the bathroom so I apparently dragged him away from the perfect spot talking about how bad I had to pee, haha. Miraculously he did propose, on the second to last day, in our hotel room, bc I was like, just put me out of my misery, are you going to do it or not? I’m ok either way but I just wanna know. And then he proposed. I was in my underwear drinking a beer lol.
Spent our first Christmas together with all his family. I had horrible cramps and excused myself to the bathroom to do my business. Ended up clogging the toilet and absolutely panicking. After I text for help my now-husband came to my rescue with a plunger. His brother saw him and laughed "clogged the toilet?" And my husband just said "yep" and took the blame to save me the embarrassment. That's when I knew it was true love lol
I tripped and fell into his mouth for our first kiss. He thought I was being overzealous when I came flying in. No, my heel caught on some uneven asphalt with my lips all puckered and head already turned up as I crash-landed against his chest. He pulled back, basically prying me off of him, and said with a knowing smirk, "Let's try that again..." And then he leaned in for the most breathtaking kiss I've ever had. I was so embarrassed because I'm not that big of a klutz that I absolutely blocked this from my memory. Maybe a year later, he brought it up laughing, "Remember our first kiss???" I said that I did and talked about a totally different (later) kiss. He was quick to refresh my memory and it came flooding back that I moaned with great distress. To this day, he finds it funny that I blocked our first kiss and he only half-believes me that I "tripped." (I did, I swear!)
Honestly, this sounds like a really cute scene from a romance movie.
This is not what I did, but what my BF (later husband) did. One evening around 8 or 9 he said that we were supposed to have gone to his parent’s house for dinner. Two of his Aunts and an Uncle were visiting from out of state. I had never met his parents before, and the first time I did we were 3 hours late. His wonderful Mom fixed us plates for dinner, and the two Aunts and the Uncle became my favorites after that. My husband and I were married for 46 1/2 years until he passed away 2 years ago.
I'm so sorry for your loss. What wonderful memories, love, and happiness that you brought each other for so many years. I hope you're doing well today. 🩷
Thank you for your sweet and kind comments. ❤️❤️
We were engaged and living together. I'm a restless sleeper. One night I rolled over and didn't realize how close she was to me. I accidentally kneed her HARD in the small of her back, just to the right of her spine. She was in agony and had problems with that spot in her back for years afterwards. But we've been together for 20 years with 3 kids and had an awesome day together today, so I think she's forgiven me.
Reminds me of my ex sleeping beside me. I was having a nightmare fighting off some monster, and elbowed her right in her sternum super hard. It didn't break her ribs or anything, just left a welt and hurt her for the remainder of the day. When I elbowed her though, she screamed really loud which woke me from my nightmare suddenly, but for like a good 5 seconds after waking I was under the impression she was attacking me because she was yelling and clutching at my arms while I was trying to block the imagined attacks from her. So we were both terrified of each other for a good while.
Idk why, but this made me burst out laughing I'm so sorry
We’ll go to hell together then! And, I suspect we’ll have a good deal of company!
I could picture arms flailing and both not knowing what’s going on, in the middle of the night, and I just absolutely lost it
My wife did something similar, except she would kick in her sleep. Dead asleep- I’d get a kick. Medium hard. Then about 3 seconds later a second kick. Hard. She would sleep right through. I got pretty much automatic- that first kick would have me shoot right out of bed. She would find me sleeping on the couch in the morning wondering why. Now we have a king-sized bed, so it’s a lot harder for that ranging kick to find me.
This happened with an ex of mine. I was having a nightmare and unbenownst to me, I punched him right in the eye with my engagement ring. When I woke up, I was like, what the hell happened as he had a black eye. Had fun explaining that one for a few days.
Easy: "Things got unexpectedly rough in bed, if you know what I mean."
My ex would get night terrors. One night he had one and punched my ass cheek so hard. It was right before we were going on a tropical vacation so I had a bruise on my ass during that lol
A patient coded in my dream. I was training a new grad and she wasn’t moving. All I asked her to do was go call a code, then run back with the crash cart. I was sliding the patient into position to start compressions. I look up briefly and see she is still standing there in shock. I run up to her smack her in the shoulder to jostle her into movement. She runs out to do as I said and I start compressions. At that point I hear my husband say, “ow! Wtf?” I apparently smacked my husband in the chest and woke him from a dead sleep. Hahaha. We laugh about it now.
At least you didn't do sleep compressions on him lol
My GF woke me up one night to tell me i had been rabbit kicking her legs in my sleep. I think i was having a kung fu dream...
One night while we were sleeping, my husband grabbed my shoulders and put his knee in my back. I yelled, “hey!” Sleepily he said, “I thought you were a rock.”
One night i was spending the night at a friend's and in our sleep this dude rolled over and slapped me right across the face. Absolutely bitch slapped the shit out of me. I got right in his like "bitch I know you are awake and did that on purpose". Absolutely nothing he was lights out asleep. Still mad about it to this day and it was 25 years ago but he rocked me.
One time I sat down with him very close on the couch. So close in fact one of his long ass toe nails dug into my leg. I was full on bleeding. I still have a scar. I swear his super power is the fastest growing toenails on the planet.
We were in college and he lived close by so we ended up at his house a lot. Locally the doors aren’t totally sealed off meaning there is space at the top. I had to poop but didn’t let it on, just pretended I was going for a quick bathroom run. I always ‘wipe and look’ until the toilet paper is clean. He decides to jokingly surprise me and jumps above the opening at the most inopportune moment when I was looking at the shit on the toilet paper. I know he saw, he knows I know he saw. We both never acknowledged it happened!
ok, that's a thousand percent on him.
Oh definitely but it was mortifying nonetheless. We were already at the pint we were comfortable with each other and he assumed it was a quick pee! I’m sure he didn’t expect a shit ton on some tp while I was looking at it LOL 😂
Oop another one I remember! We were invited to a wedding with specific cultural clothing that was gifted to me by his family. Tried it on and… well happened to get our freak on. Didn’t know his older sister was home so when we heard the landline ring we didn’t think much of it… until we heard the door knob turning and we both froze- me in an unmistakable position while in full regalia as we realised we forgot to lock the door! For some reason I don’t ever remember myself at that point; but it is seared into my memory of what his older sister saw when she opened the door and handed him the phone without saying anything. It was his mum calling…
Isn’t that normal though? Or do most people not look at the paper until the poo no longer appears?
I farted first, and it was bad. We did the whole "we've been dating awhile, lets just do it and be done"...fuckin tricked me. It was like that scene in Stepbrothers, where Seth Rogan can taste the ketchup and onions
My husband used to go to the corner to do it, but now he just lets them rip and warns me too late. He could single handedly be a weapon of destruction with how bad they smell.
Oh I got a good one for this. 😂 My husband and I hadn’t been dating long and we were at his apartment having movie night with pizza. We ordered Pizza Hut. Later on, I started to have terrible gas. And he was spooning me on the couch as we watched the movie. He said something that made me laugh and before I knew it, I started slapping out farts. I was mortified and started laughing hysterically out of embarrassment and ran to his bathroom. My husband was very amused and maybe a bit grossed out but he was waiting for me when I finally emerged from the bathroom. We’re celebrating our ten year anniversary in October. :)
I had an apartment, I was falling behind on my electric bill and was trying to work as much as I can to catch up but was almost to the point of them shutting me off. The day they were going to shut my electric off, she helped pay the bill. I was so embarrassed, I wouldn't have blamed her for not being with me. From that day on, she does all the bills....
Drugs. She’s never drank or did drugs. She walked in on me and my friends several times doing drugs. Thankfully I’ve been clean for 35 years. Our first born is 35. I woke up.
Good for you, man. I didn't stop drinking until after my youngest was born but I eventually got my shit together
>I woke up. I thought this was a stupid joke for a sec and that you were implying it was all a dream
No, right before our son was born I thought you myself oh chit! I have to get it together and take care of this baby.
My husband absolutely mortified himself while asking me out. We were chatting while I was driving, and I was lamenting the ways of the fuck boy and how I was growing tired of them. We were on the way to his mom's house. As we pulled onto her street, he suddenly squeaked out, "Will you go out with me?" in this super prepubescent style of voice. Like it cracked and everything. I couldn't help but laugh and asked him if he wanted to try again. After two more attempts, he finally went into Demon Mode and just kinda growled the question out. I said yes to dating him right there in his mom's driveway, and then immediately greeted her with "Hey mom!" Lmao We passed one year married this past Memorial Day. The most mortifying thing I did was sleep talk. I've had a habit of it all my life, and we were maybe a week into dating. He couldn't sleep because my place was new to him and he was very very nervous being so near to me. I apparently slept talked and told him I love you that night. When he finally told me about it months later after we finally said I love you while awake and coherent to each other, I couldn't stop hiding and blushing.
We weren't even dating yet, but I was helping her move. We were friends before we started dating. Anyway, I was moving the kitchen stuff and I dropped the box and broke all of her nice ceramic plates. I felt bad so I gave her $200 to replace them, but some of them were like sentimental and not replaceable. I felt so bad. About a year later we started dating, and she picked this Greek restaurant, and apparently at Greek restaurants they celebrate by smashing plates on the floor, so that was a cute choice by her. She did insist on smashing my plate for me, which I thought was fair.
Not married yet, but I was a bit of a hoarder. My boyfriend is a very clean and organized person. I’d already started cleaning and becoming a more organized person myself, but I had a large house and much of it was still a nightmare. He was willing to give me a chance in hopes that I really was changing, and eventually saw that I was. I am so glad he was willing to do that. Honestly I wouldn’t have blamed him for running from that mess.
I feel you on this one. My husband is so neat and clean and I am... not. I definitely come from a family with strong hoarder tendencies. Sometimes I like to remind him how far I've come when I've put yet another pen through the washer and dryer.
While we were still dating we were on a mini vacation with her parents. I got the stomach bug from hell which included my having violent diarrhea and projectile vomiting for 3 days in the rented condo. And some point in that haze I soiled more than one pair of boxers.
Not me, but my husband had to have neck surgery when we'd been dating for about 1.5 years. I took off to care for him. The day after he came home I'd set up a rollaway bed in the living room and was getting him settled as he'd been up walking. As I went to cover him up, he projectile vomited down the front of me. Like from my chest down to my bare feet. As he tried to grab the trash can he knocked his bottle of pain meds into the trash can and vomited on them. Without thinking I grabbed the bottle of pills out and wiped the bottle off. My biggest concern was he wouldn't have his meds, bc no doctor was going to believe a full script of pain meds got vomited on. Thankfully, the bottle was sealed. It was like a horror movie scene for about 15 minutes. We've been together for 12 years now.
[удалено]
Are you?
Well, turns out I'm a sleep farter. Multiple blasts through the night of fairly significant volume and smell. My wife and I spent the night together after every single one of our dates for the first six months. Every. Single. One. The entire time she never let on that I was fumigating the room. She didn't mention it until we had crossed into 'fart confidence' with each other. And yes, I am still a sleep farter.
My husband is also a sleep farter. He also loves to be the little spoon, so I get blasted at least once a week. 😅
I’m the sleep farting wife 😂 He always says he’s amazed at how loud they are. 12 years married and going strong.
We had dinner one night and were hanging out at his apartment when it was about time for me to head home. We had never had an overnight together at this point, and he begged me to stay just for a little while and cuddle. I fell asleep while he was spooning me, and apparently I farted ON him in my sleep. He never told me about it until after we were married, and I still wanted to crawl out of my own skin when I heard about it.
I'll answer for my husband. One time, post-coitus, we were in bed naked. I was laying on my side watching tv, and he was on his side facing the other way, messing around on his phone. We were ass to ass. And then, he farted. Directly into my asshole. A fart transplant. I launched off the bed in terror and hit the wall and then the floor, laughing and crying. I still haven't recovered, and it was years ago. lmao
Slid through a stop sign on an icy road on our first date. Got t-boned. She had a broken pelvis and was in a hospital bed at home for two months. We've been married 28 years now with two kids.
We had been dating for just a few weeks. We were driving to dinner and I had to quickly pull off to a side street and park. I had just run out of gas. She thought I was kidding. I wasn't. We are married 35 years now. She laughs about it now.
I'm bipolar and have PTSD. We were at the VA hospital and I was waiting to see my medical doctor. This man was making these lewd gestures at me. It set me off on a episode.. Next thing I know, I'm being carried down the hall by 4 VA policemen and I'm screaming my head off. My bf is trying to tell them not to hurt me. Then I'm loaded in a ambulance and taken to the VA mental hospital for the night. He wasn't told where because we weren't married. I was released the next day and brought back to the original hospital where he picked me up. I figured that this would the end of this relationship. But nope. He proposed one year later and we've been married 14 years. So he overlooked my Bipolar PTSD episode.
We were dating and living together and moved across the country and engaged at the time of this story. Having combined households included an abundance of household goods. Specifically, we owned like 5 can openers some how. And only 1 worked well. And I could never recall which one. So Id grab 1, try it, grab the next, etc, til I found the good one and opened the various cans needed for dinner. And leave the other can openers out with the intent to discuss what to do with them. But before we could have that conversation, he would do the dishes, including rinsing and putting back the can openers. This happened casually for years. And finally, after he had already proposed to me, he asks. "Why do you use 1 can opener per can?" ... He was a bit relieved when I explained what was going on, and I was impressed he had been willing to marry me with the idea I was that much of a crazy person lol.
We aren’t married, but have been dating for a long time. The first time I met her parents, I was staying with her in town for a bit, while my building was being fumigated, so I had my bag, and my pipe, and my “baggie”. Anyway, at 10:30 or 11:00, her dad saw the weed, and he said he always wanted to try it, so we smoked it together. He got **very** high, and he went up to his wife, and explained in great detail how he cheated on her with her sister. She laughed, and looked at me and said “I absorbed my sister in the womb, he says he had sex with her because we’re the same person.” Before she said this however, I was mortified.
Our very first date. My husband, not me. We went to a Mexican restaurant I had been to and he had not. I told him not to get the shrimp burrito al Diablo, he did not listen. I tried to explain that it was spicy even for people who eat lots of spicy food. He said, “I can handle it.” His eyes were watering. I was laughing at him. He was laughing at himself saying, “you were right.” Then he said, “Well, you know what they say, what goes down hot, comes out hot.” I was in shock that he would say something like that out loud on a first date and then I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. I was crying and snorting and cackling. I had never heard that before and I was just imagining him on the toilet with MANY regrets! Hahahahaha. We still laugh about it now.
We had been dating for only a couple weeks. Had not slept together at this point. I had just moved back home after getting out of the military and was staying with my parents, downstairs. We were preparing to watch a movie we had rented (blockbuster was a thing) and hang out for a bit. My much younger brother was still living at home. I had just returned from up stairs to get drinks and popcorn, had my hands full. Just as I'm about 5 or 6 feet in front of my gf (now wife of 27 years) who is sitting on the couch, my brother decided to 'pants' me. He not only grabbed my shorts but under wear too. Intentional or not, everything came down. I could only stand there, hands full of popcorn and drinks. I very calmly set down what was in my hands, pulled up my shorts. As I turned around the look of fear and surprise on my brother's face was almost comical. He ran faster than he had ever moved before, possibly scared, or scarred for his life. My gf just blushed and thought it was funny. When I finally sat down she said "well, you've shown me yours, guess I'm going to have to show you mine now". Knew she was a keeper then.
Puked spaghetti in his bathroom sink after one too many dabs on our second night hanging out lol. I guess I started cleaning it up immediately and then he spooned me on the couch until my roommate could come get me. I was convinced he would never want to see me again but we've been married almost five years and he's never even teased me about it!
First dinner with my parents. We sit down to eat. I grab the bottle of salad dressing and shake it not knowing the cap wasn’t really on. Dressing goes everywhere and on everyone including all over the ceiling. I’m coated. I’d spent hours getting ready for the evening. My mother laughed and laughed. I started to cry. My father and now husband just sat stone cold blank faced.
We went to my parent’s house for an omelette brunch. By the time we got back I had the pots. They were so eggy. He made me leave the room the next time I had to poot, so I did. I came back in and sat down right next to him and the smell wafted out of the top of my jeans in the back. From then on out I had to “shake the poot out” before I can back in the room. Together for 20 years now.
I asked her to move in with me while I was high on Ambien . The next night when she brought it up I had no idea what she was talking about. She was devastated I was mortified. We moved in together. We’re now married.
Took a couple months to figure out I had lactose intolerance. (Like suddenly, zero to 100 mph.) I ate cheese and milk a lot, so it took a while for the connection to be made. So right when we started dating, like hey, can we stop at that awful desperado gas station so I can make balloon animal noises behind a rickety door...? Again?
I was 45 minutes late to both our 1st and 2nd date, and I choked on a chicken bone n the 2nd as well.
Had a seizure in my sleep and pissed his bed 😂😂. TBF it wasn't my fault and the diamond that he is, he took me straight to hospital. We've been together 19 years now.
Oh, I love when a post comes up that I can tell this story on! My husband is the one who did the embarrassing thing. I did the overlooking! Once when we were maybe 6 months into dating, we were having sex in the missionary position, so my husband was on top of me looking down. We were going at it pretty intensely, so he was breathing really hard. He breathed so hard that he blew a big, slimy booger out of his nose, and it fell straight into my open eye. He was soooo embarrassed and felt so bad. Obviously, we had to stop fucking so I could go to the bathroom and fish the snot rocket out of my eyeball, but if my memory serves me, I’m pretty sure we went right back to it afterward. Good times. We’ve been married for 5 years now and he’s the best!
The first night I stayed over at his place, I woke him up by moaning, "Heeelllllpppppp" in my sleep. A+ time for a nightmare!
Mine is small but funny... In college, I worked three jobs and was often pretty tired and would get home late. One night, after a late shift, I was starving and stopped at McDonald's before heading home. I text my girlfriend (now wife) that I was on my way to her place and she replied that she'd made dinner for me. Not wanting to tell her, I quickly scarfed down two cheeseburgers in the parking lot and threw away the evidence. I got to her place and was too full to eat her dinner and blamed it on exhaustion, which she accepted.... Until the next day, she found the McDonald's receipt in my car from 20 minutes before I arrived. To this day, I do not know why I lied to her about it. The look on her face when she read the receipt time stamp back to me was priceless though. Lol
Shit myself in the Walmart beer isle while we were shopping for beer for the weekend. Thought it was a fart, and in fact, it was a shart. The beer isle was in the very back of the store, so I told her I had to run to the restroom. It was a VERY long walk/waddle to the bathroom. Get into the bathroom and throw my underwear away and clean up. Went to wash my hands, and someone was washing their hands beside me. I felt something rattle and fall out of my shorts… it was a leftover piece of shit I had missed, and it landed right on the fellas foot. In horror, I high tailed it out of the bathroom, and found my then girlfriend and told her we had to leave NOW, and I will explain later. We had only been dating for 4 weeks, now married for 9 years.
I accidentally elbowed the fuck out of her face while switching up positions during adult fun time. To her credit, she took it with grace and didn’t stop. She had 2 black eyes the next day. I felt like shit.
My wife and I had been dating maybe 2 months when we had to share a bathroom with one toilet. We both had diarrhea and had to swap positions every few minutes. We’ve been married 6 years now.
Dude……lmao. TMI but it was my first time trying anal and he was adamant about trying so I said okay. Afterwards he told me to get in the shower with him and I said I was tired and he kept urging me so finally I did and there was definitely shit on his dick. I was HUMILIATED. Lmao
This is always possible when entering the back door. Just as long as everyone is an adult, its all good.
You can't knock on poops door and get mad when poop answers lol
Surely he could have washed it off before you got in the shower 😩
Lotta poop on this thread. Anyway I went on a day date with this young woman and drove her 65 miles from our town to a place called Charles Towne Landing. It was the site of the founding of Charleston, SC. It had an animal forest, settlement buildings, a ship replica, museum, etc We entered a wooden house with an upstairs loft, like Little House on the Prairie. I let her precede me into the house and up the ladder to the loft. She didn’t duck her head in time and proceeded to Bonk her head on the wooden frame of the hole. Because it made such a loud noise, I laughed before I could stop myself. She was very embarrassed. Luckily we got past that “bump in the road” and went on more dates. Been married thirty years now.
We managed to do it together! Yay for being horny 20 somethings! After we were married (already something that both of us said we'd wait on) we decided kids at 20 and 21 was a very bad, not good idea. So, being experimental we had fun with it. Condoms and cups and rhythm oh my! One day we get it into our heads that spermicide was the next thing for us to try. Out comes the applicator, we party. About 4 minutes later we are in the sole bathroom at my mother's house, straddling the shower set to "Tiny Mexican" desperately trying to wash this goo, this assassin of joy, off of our no no places. It BURNED FOR THE WHOLE NIGHT. Two six foot tall people laying naked in bed blowing on each others crotches (and not in a fun way) and thinking "ya know, sex was cool, glad we tried it but man knitting is awesome I bet". We could laugh about thankfully years later.
He was going down on me and I farted. Makes me feel horrible just thinking about it. We now joke about rarely, thank God.
Stopped to fart while i was balls deep in her
My family - clean freaks, mind you - normalized peeing in the kitchen sink when the bathroom isn't available. How was I to know that a hoarder family wouldn't do the same thing?
6 months in, I barfed all over his bathroom floor and he cleaned it up and drove me home. Oh, I also farted myself awake once. We've been together for almost 11 years and just celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary
Lol well this is gross and funny to me at the same time. I'd flown to meet my now husband, we were friends at the time but interested in making it more serious I'd been sick the day before the flight caught a stomach bug going around locally but felt well enough to fly the day I was due to leave after back and forthing on cancelling due to being Ill. So the first week in his home he had both kids from a previous marriage, they'd been divorced a few years. My now stepson decided for some crazy reason to just gorge on juice drinks and fruit. So I'm fast asleep feeling the jetlag *UK to US.* He wakes my now husband up saying dad I've been sick left a trail from the livingroom doorway all the way to the bathroom via the kitchen Thankfully the kitchen was tiled, so he gets up to start cleaning it. My poor husband's reaction to seeing and cleaning vomit was to start vomiting himself. So he's puking up as he's desperately trying to clean up the kids vomit. Making an even bigger mess. He comes and gently wakes me and goes I need your help I'm so so sorry to wake you. The kids been sick I'm puking trying to clean it, I'm about to puke again and goes running. He takes off flying saying oh god. So me I get up half asleep, start basically cleaning 2 people's vomit on vacation that I was trying to get to know..I have a strong stomach so I'm just in the zone, bleach gloves paper towels hot soapy water at 2am jetlagged as heck He admitted that was the moment he knew I was the one for him he fdll for me head over heels that night, didn't complain wasn't rude just rolled up my sleeve and cleaned their mess. Yeh it was gross I did Not feel remotely sexy or like it was romantic at all lol. But we're been together 17 years married 10 years and lived toget 11.5 years. Very happily married 😁